Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 42: Not Faire

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 02:00:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero his brains were slowly oozing out of his ears as he gazed into the death screen of death. Fortunately there was that power outage and everything worked out for the best.

Last Saturday our hero and his trusty companion were called upon to use their super-human powers of patronage to spend a day at the Northern California Renaissance Faire. They enjoyed the wonderful weather, some fine entertainment, and good food that had unfortunately been attacked by Over-Priced Man. All told, however a successful afternoon. They even stopped at Sonic so that our trusty companion could recharge her superpowers (Sonic being her version of Superman’s yellow sun) and picked up an apricot pie at Casa de Fruita.

That’s when things took a turn. They’re voyage home took them along a lonely dangerous stretch of Highway 101 where almost exactly one year before our hero had fallen victim to Blown-Tire Man. While our hero ultimately triumphed, it was not before his planned weekend at Faire had been derailed.

After the trouncing Blown-Tire Man had suffered that day, our hero assumed he would not rear his inconvenient head again. And yet… he did. Suddenly our hero found himself on the side of the road loosening lug nuts yet again. After swapping out the torn treads for a donut, our heroes then had to tussle with Can-Only-Drive-50-MPH-On-880 Man. As some of you know, that’s not easy to survive.

But survive our heroes did only to get home and suffer their worst setback yet: the apricot pie was horrible.

Will our heroes ever go to Ren Faire again?
Where the tires, brand new as of a year ago, just plain defective?
Or most importantly…
Is it that they pave 101 with upturned nails?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 41: The Thwartingo

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 01:36:00 +0000

When last we’d left our intrepid hero, he had saved Mr. Hamster from the evils of his solitary ballfinement.

But now he was on to bigger and better challenges. After a near fatal encounter with Tired-Of-All-The-Music-On-His-iPod Man, our hero resolved to purchase some new music. Unfortunately he got waylaid by Always-Forgetting-To-Actually-Do-It Girl. Finally though, upon encountering a slow lazy day at his regular job, he finally made a short list of albums to purchase and went to MP3-Website-Named-After-A-Rainforest to make his purchases and vanquish his foes.

After deftly navigating to the first album on his list, he was dismayed to see that the only button that seemed to allow him to purchase the album said “Purchase with 1Click”. Now our hero does not believe in making purchases this way. He wants to be able to see the total and choose the right address and payment method for the purchase. He also wants the opportunity to change his mind.

But with no other options, he clicked it. Only to be taken to a page that required him to download their special music downloading software. “Ok,” he thought. “I can do that.” The download was quick as lighting and the installation as painless as a nice nap. He went back to the album and clicked the buy button…

Only to be taken back to the page telling him to download the downloading software. He reloaded the page. Didn’t work. He closed his web browser and relaunched it. Nope. He tried a different browser. Nada. Finally he noticed a tiny tiny text link that could only be seen by his superhuman eyes that said to click here to enable the software if it was already installed. He clicked it…

It took him back to the album page. Could it be? Would it work? He clicked once more on the buy button and…

Was taken back to the page telling him to download the downloading software. ARFGGG… Alas and alack our hero is still being assaulted by Tired-Of-All-The-Music-On-His-iPod Man. Thwarted by Idiotic- MP3-Website-Named-After-A-Rainforest

But this is not the end! He will be back!!!

Will our hero ever succeed in purchasing new music?
Which popular MP3 site will he use?
And most importantly…
BUT I’VE DOWNLOADED IT ALREADY!!!

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 40: Adventures in Babysitting

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sun, 24 May 2009 06:50:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was hanging by his toes over a fat of sulphuric acid. Thank goodness he had those chicken bones.

With his trusty partner in crime-fighting away on a special mission in Seattle, our hero took on a challenge that would test the very limits of his super-powers: babysitting Miss-S-Honorary-Niece Girl. After a long day of meditation and warm-up exercises, our hero made the short trek across town to Miss-S’s secret hide-out.

He arrived just as Miss-S’s father and grandfather were donning their super-suits for an adventure into the City to watch Miss-S’s mother rescue San Francisco theater-goers from an attack of the Borings by entertaining them in Shakespeare the Musical. They turned over the keys to Miss-S, and departed… leaving our hero alone… with a 2 year old!

Soon our hero was helping Miss-S rescue the bookshelf from Everything-On-The-Bookshelf-Is-Static-And-Not-Moving Man by pulling random items down, examining them, and putting them back. Then, as she refueled her super-cells with some Moo-Juice, our hero fought off the Vacuum-of-Silence Villain by reading aloud from Miss-S’s favorite picture books. After defeating said villain in the living room, the two went to Miss-S’s bedroom to do battle the same fiend! It took several more books read aloud to finally vanquish there foe. Exhausted by the effort, our hero laid Miss-S down in her crib, tucked her in, and said good-night.

With Miss-S sound asleep in the living room, our hero made sure the television didn’t break from underuse while refueling his own super-cells on some lovely soup.

How long will Miss-S sleep?
Will our hero survive the entire weekend with his sweetie gone?
And most importantly...
How many games will the Cubs loose in a row?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 39: Hide-Out Hunters

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 23:02:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he had infiltrated a small Marxist commune in Japan in order to steal their secret recipe for egg salad. The world can rest much easier now.

Back in November, our hero relocated super-lairs, giving up his San Francisco hide-out in order to combine forces with Super Girlfriend-Girl in her Berkley Fortress of (Not Quite) Solitude. However, this location posed some problems.

First off, the Fortress of (Not Quite) Solitude was located in a large building occupied by many other secret hide-outs. Hide-outs inhabited by mostly younger superheroes still in super hero school at the local super hero University. Everyone knows that studying to be a super hero is a loud business, what with practicing all your catch phrases and witty retorts and all.

Secondly, Mr. Freeze occupied the parking garage immediately below them, sucking away all of their heat. And finally, Mr. Dark had conquered half of their lair infesting it with… well… dark.

Technically our heroes were locked into a lease until the end of May, but they began looking for alternate super-lairs anyway.

Thursday: On a whim they look at a new hide-out near Rockridge and Elmwood in Oakland. Super Girlfriend-Girl loved it. Our hero felt like the place had been hit with a shrinking laser and worried about battling High Rent Man. And yet, the next day he had a vision of enjoying the wonderful neighborhood, the incredible light, and the new appliances. Friday, our heroes submitted an application. They might not even get it, they thought.

An hour later, Landlord-Man told them they could have it if they wanted it. Eep. Our heroes considered and debated and on Saturday our hero went to see another place just blocks from their current hide-out. It was good, but he needed Super Girlfriend-Girl to see it too. So the next day they went back with applications in hand just in case. As they were looking at the place, Land Lady-Lady told them they could have it if they wanted it.

Apparently our heroes are much in demand as tenants.

What to do? As they’re talking to Land Lady-Lady, Landlord Man calls to find out if they want the place in Rockridge (because if they don’t another pair of superheroes is prepared to swoop in). The pressure was on! Fortunately our heroes thrive on pressure.

Which hide-out did they choose? The expensive one in Rockridge with the new appliances and good light. The one in their price range that’s just down the block, but the smallest of the three they’d seen. Or the one in Lafayette with the fireplace and vaulted ceilings with the view of the interstate (also seen on Saturday)?

“We chose…” (flash three pictures of each place)… “Number 2. The one just down the block.”

We returned six months later to see… Um, that’ll have to wait.

In the meantime, our heroes now must use their super-human abilities to find new tenants for their current apartment so as not to be saddled with double rent for the next three months.

Can they find subletters?
Will they be able to downsize enough to fit in the new apartment?
And most importantly
Where will they put all their stuff?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 38: Snow Train

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 18:03:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was whittling a life sized replica of the White House for the Superhero Inaugural Ball.

Today our hero was charged with traveling from his sister’s superlair in Oak Park, IL to his parent’s superlair in Lawton, MI. Unfortunately upon waking, he discovered that the Midwest had been attacked by the Abominable-Lake-Effect-Snow-Monster. Oh no! With all of the roads covered with a slick and slippery coating of snow and visibility reduced to a nary a few cubits by the offending falling flakes how would he survive the drive!

A-Ha! By outwitting the monster by taking the train! With a 12:15 scheduled departure on Amtrak, our hero had but only to catch the 11:28 Metra train from Oak Park to downtown, walk across the street from one train station to the other and be on his way safely to K-Zoo.

Except of course the Foul-Weather-Fiend had effected even the rail lines. Our hero arrived at the platform in Oak Park to find his train delayed by 17 minutes! This might not seem like long in regular human terms, but to a superhero with a tight connection 17 minutes can be the difference between saving the day and the world ending at the hands of a supervillain’s doomsday device.

Bravely, our her o caught his delayed train and arrived in Chicago with a scant 10 minutes to cross the street, print is ticket, and find his train. But after leaping across the snow and slush filled streets with his suitcase in tow, our hero discovered the entrance to the other train was not in fact right across the street as he had been lead to believe. Sure, there were stairs down to some other Metra Trains, but the REAL trainstation was but a few blocks away.

With lightning quick speed our hero… or, er um, as fast as he could without falling on his ass in the snow, our hero forged his way to the main station, hauled his suitcase down the stairs, found a kiosk, and printed his ticket with just 1 minute to spare. Fearing that he may yet not make his train, he looked at the departures board to find … his train was delayed.

At this point our hero fell victim to the evils of Amtrak-Is-Run-By-A-Bunch-of-F-ing-Morons Man. While the departures board maniacally continued to flash “Delayed” offering no new information, our hero found out from the Incredibly-Unpleasant-and-Unfriendly-Customer-Service Lady that the delay was “an hour or more”. Realizing he probably had to wait until the train coming from K-Zoo arrived late at 1:40 to leave, our hero got lunch.

After satisfying his Italian Beef jones while listening to a wonderfully dramatic Cello-Busker fill the great hall with music, our hero descended into the hellish chaos that is the Amtrak-Forth-Circle-of-Hell-and-Waiting-Lounge. In order to even get into the lounge, our hero (and all other passengers) first had to move through a tiny narrow hallway jammed with people queued up for train leaving for Texas. Once that obstacle had been forded, our hero entered the waiting lounge, the entire left-hand side of which was crammed with people who somehow knew that the K-Zoo train would be boarding from Gate F. Meanwhile the departure board continue to simply flash “Delayed” with not gate information whatsoever.

With the gate are unofficially clogged with people, the moment finally arrived: the departure board switched to “Boarding F-10”. Well good. Tell us something we didn’t already know. Then came the evil taunting announcement “Now pre-boarding seniors”. The legions of passengers attempted to part to let seniors through but with little success. Once a few old people had managed to squeeze through without falling, breaking a hip, or generally dying, the crowd closed in behind them. Only to hear the second evil taunting announcement “Now pre-boarding families with small children”. Frightened children crowd surfed to the front of the line while mother’s wept hoping to one day be reunited with their sons and daughters.

Then, finally, general boarding started. Using his finely tuned skills of crowd maneuvering, our hero managed to slip through the gauntlet of seniors & babies who hadn’t survived pre-boarding and made it onto the platform and finally onto the train itself. A scant 2 hours late, our hero’s train of tears finally pulled away from the station.

Still, it was probably faster than driving.

Episode 37: Adventures in Breakfast and Persimmons

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 20:28:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was bounding around on the tops of buildings trying to find the mystical lollipop that Dr. Devastator had hidden in a vain attempt to take over the world. Oh, that Dr. Devastator, when will he learn?

Today, our hero arrived at work battling Haven’t-Eaten-Breakfast Man. Realizing the futility of attempting to be in any way productive on an empty stomach, he ventured back down to street level through his building’s Jefferies Tubes and went in search of a solid meal to start his day that had, in fact, long ago already started.

Curses! The corporate villainy of the new Large-Fancy-Hotel-Residency down the block had taken over the lease of our hero’s favorite corner deli forcing it to shutter its doors. Why? Why must you control the entire block? So you can open a branch of another failed financial institution like you’re doing in the other retail space you control?

But our hero was not defeated in his quest. No! His favorite corner deli had another location a few blocks away. Braving the low hanging sun in his eyes, our hero ventured forth in search of it. Upon finding it, he discovered that this location also featured a breakfast buffet! Grabbing a healthy assortment of eggs, bacon, and tater tots, our hero returned to his building and ascended the Jefferies Tubes to his cube shaped daytime super-lair.

Unbeknownst to our hero, the breakfast buffet at the deli had fallen into the hands of that dastardly villain Over-Cooked-And-Filled-With-Grease Ogre. In retrospect, our hero probably should have seen that one coming.

With his half finished breakfast slowly turning to stone on his desk, our hero bemoaned his lack of fruit, only to have the Magic Email Fairy deliver to his inbox a message from his co-worker saying that fresh from her boyfriend’s parent’s garden tangerines and persimmons were available in the production room.

Using his catlike speed, our hero snatched up a tangerine and devoured it. Still hungry, he went back for this “per-si-mmon”. Now, our hero had certainly encountered the concept of persimmons before. I mean, after all, who could forget how he used a persimmon to save the world in his great How Our Hero Used a Persimmon to Save the World Adventure? And yet, somehow, our hero had never actually eaten one in its original fresh-from-the-tree form. Somewhere along the way, our hero had developed a predisposition to think that persimmon’s tasted bad. Perhaps it was a residual effect of that crazy time when Dr. Devastator was controlling his brain through chocolate pudding, or maybe he had simply been misinformed, but our hero had never been eager to eat one.

His co-worker, Great-Fruit-Provider Woman, told him to use the peeler to remove the skin and then eat it. Our hero peeled his persimmon and looked skeptically at the pale orange fruit within. Then he bit into it.

Immediately our hero was visited by the Taste-Sensation Fairy, who filled his taste buds with an oddly familiar yet difficult to describe taste sensation that reminded our hero of cinnamon and apple and some other fall flavor, like eating a crisp autumn day where the leaves have all turned yellow and burnt orange, or like eating an apple pie in fruit form. Our hero gobble it up and looks forward to eating many more in the future.

Will our hero’s next persimmon taste as good?
Why did he wait so long to try one in the first place?
What poor unsuspecting store will Large-Fancy-Hotel-Residency take over next?
And most importantly…
Do you like persimmons?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 36: PBR!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:30:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he had posted his entire novel online for anyone to read at www.thedeadworks.com

Two Friday’s ago, our hero and the trusty Super Girlfriend Girl hoped onboard the BART mobile and headed down to the Oracle Arena to infiltrate the audience of the PBR Built Ford Tough Series event. For the uninitiated PBR stands for Professional Bull Riding!

Our heroes had purchased cheap tickets in the upper deck, but when they arrived they found their way to the upper deck blocked! Oh no! How would they get up to their seats? As they were about to open fire on the employees blocking their way, they discovered that the promoters hadn’t sold enough tickets for the event, so everyone in the upper deck’s seats had been upgraded. Woot.

Now firmly ensconced in their seats on the main floor, our heroes tried not to be overcome be the near smothering of patriotic fervor unleashed upon them by the opening sequence:

Then they took in the sheer awesome animal power that is professional bull riding!

When will our hero go see the PBR again?
Can anyone console him after the Cubs tragic loss in the playoffs?
Can the Red Sox beat the Rays?
And most importantly…
How low will the Dow go?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 35: The Fall of Egypt

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000

(Photo from Flickr Commons)

When last we left our intrepid hero he was eating mooseburgers in Alaska, waving at Russia from across the Bering Straight.

Then one day, our hero had to accept the fact that his ancient Egyptian laptop computer, run on the power of scarab beetles and beholden to the sun god Rah for connection to wifi could no longer help him in his never ending fight against crime and villainy.

After doing some research and emailing Brian-Tech-Guru Man up in Portland, he decided a more modern computer was in order. Perhaps one built using today’s modern new fangled technology. Deciding upon Dell as his computer supplier of choice, our hero began the seemingly endless process of tinkering with configurations on different models hoping to find one that met his desired specs and price range.

Finally he landed on configuration that he liked, but alas it was more money than the Super Hero Council had allotted him to spend. Not do be deterred, he used his superior web skills to look for coupon codes, only to find a special 2 day sale from Dell on the very model and configuration he desired! Faster than a speeding bullet, he ordered his laptop lickety split.

Then our hero sat back and began his daily, obsessive checks of this order status. After several day had passed without his order showing up online in his account, he called Dell’s Customer Service Wizards, only to get trapped in transfer loop that left him bouncing around different departments until he finally landed in sales.

It seems our hero’s order had been eaten by the Great-Mysterious-Computer monster and never actually processed! Fortunately, our hero retrieved from his archives his confirmation email and the good people at Dell sales were able to reconfigure his laptop at the same price. Phew! Otherwise our hero would have had to go unleash the full strength of his powers upon Dell and bring about their untimely demise.

Can you believe the Cubs made it to the playoffs?
When will Kenley finally get booted from Project Runway?
When will our hero get his new computer?
And most importantly…
Will Rah punish him for turning to a new wifi god?

Episode 34: Monterey

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:08:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was chewing gum in Singapore trying not to get arrested.

Last Sunday morning, after a harrowingly busy weekend attacking the lack of laughter in the Bay Area with his superhuman improv skills, helping his best super friend relocate secret hideouts, and saying farewell to Miss-Johnny-Friday-Girl before she moved to Chicago, our hero and Super Girlfriend Girl hopped in the trusty honda-mobile and headed south for Monterey.

Seems the local Hyatt was suffering form too many vacant rooms. Our heroes were more than happy to help out at the greatly reduced rate.

Upon arrival, they headed off to the world famous aquarium to commune with Aqua Man. Aqua Man had wisely skipped town to avoid the crush of tourists, but in between the teaming hordes, our heros enjoyed communing with the jelly fish, penguins, and the GREAT WHITE SHARK. The aquarium had just acquired it 4 days earlier. It was small, about 4 feet long, but still our heroes were thrilled to help welcome it to captivity. The throngs of people ignoring the signs and announcements saying not to take flash photography because it scares the shark away form the glass were thrilled too, and stupid.

Our heroes helped keep the walk along the ocean well tread, and ate lots of wonderful food that you can read all about here.

They also helped keep the rich people form getting lonely by driving the 17 Mile Drive.

Will the Cubs ever win another game?
Will the manager get lost on his way to their next city?
How will rest of the season go?
and most importantly...
How are you?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 33: Giants

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:30:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was writing in more detail about his trip to Japan in sporadic posts called “Japanaventures” on ExperimentFarm.com.

Last week our hero was contacted at work by the maker of Fabulous Computer Software. Our hero the primary administrator for Fabulous Computer Software at his place of employment, and they manufacturers wanted his help to fill a luxury suite at Monday night’s Giants Rockies game at AT&T Park.

Leaping into action, our hero recruited Super-Girlfriend Girl to accompany him, and last night they border the special luxury suite elevators and rode up to the Oracle Suite Level. (Oracle is not the maker of Fabulous Computer Software, though our hero is sure they make some fabulous computer software. No, Oracle sponsors the entire suite level at AT&T Park. So it’s not just “the suite level” it’s the “Oracle Suite Level”.)

They were in suite 25, which happens to be right behind home plate. If only they could have had better seats. Our heroes helped defeat the suite’s infestation with Excess-Of-Food-And-Alcohol by using their special imbibing and consuming powers to wolf down several plates of chicken nachos, mini-burgers, hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, Anchor Steam, Newcastle Brown Ale, Fat Tire Ale, and Strawberry Pomegranate Margaritas.

Unfortunately, the San Francisco Nine were no match for the boys from the rocky mountains. In fact, the Rockies weren’t that good either, and after 5 innings of sloppy play, our heroes couldn’t fight off the Creeping-Sleep Monster anymore and went home ahead of the rush.

This makes 2 luxury suites our hero has visited (the other being in San Jose), while Super Girlfriend Girl has now seen a game from a luxury suite in every major Bay Area venue save the Stick. Not bad.

How many games will the Giants lose this year?
Will the Rockies repeat as NL Champions?
How will instant replay work in MLB?
and most importantly...
Did you watch Hilary's speech?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 32: Adventures in Japan

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:34:00 +0000

View Larger Map

When last we left our intrepid hero he was lunching with Bigfoot in a Georgia forest when they were suddenly attacked. Our hero escaped, and in spite of claims to the contrary, so did Bigfoot.

Our hero, and his faithful companion Super-Girlfriend Girl were summoned on a secret mission to Japan in order to attend Super-Girlfriend Girl’s twin sister, Twin-Sister Girl’s wedding. They hopped into their trusty time machine, known as a Boeing 777, and flew into the future arriving on Monday while it was still Sunday back in the States.

Immediately they were hit by the 90-Degrees-And-Humid Monster, who unfortunately dominates Japan in August. Little was to be done, except to wear as little clothing as possible and seek out air conditioning wherever possible.

Our heroes spent several days attacking the urban jungle of the Yokohama and the greater Tokyo area, vanquishing Godzilla, Mothra, Mecha-Godzilla, and several other foes along the way. They also enjoyed cake on the 70th floor of Yokohama’s landmark tower in the middle of a thunderstorm, shopping in Ginza, and exploring Tokyo’s subway system.

One morning, they took their lives into their own hands, dodging and evading forklifts and scooters, to check out the Tsukiji fish market. They found themselves the only tourists in a sea of fish merchants stretching out as far as the eye could see. (Unsure if they were in an area where tourists were technically allowed, they did not take pictures. Also, any momentary pause risked getting plowed down by a machine or merchant carrying fish.) Afterwards they had enjoyed the freshest and best sushi known to man, even sampling some whale, which tasted just like sushi, only chewier.

Later that day they went to the Fisherman’s Wharf of Tokyo: Asakusa Temple, where everyone around them was a tourist, even the Japanese.

Then our heroes boarded a bullet train for the trek south to Matsuyama, the site of the impending nuptials. There, they were forced to endure a string of events wherein they were questioned, probed, fed good food, smiled at, and talked about in a foreign language by Twin-Sister Girl’s Japanese soon-to-be in-laws. After much smiling and nodding, this too was survived.

The wedding itself was highly enjoyable, especially the buffet, featuring Kobe beef and freshly rolled Sushi. Hmm…

Our heroes then returned to Tokyo for one last day of relieving Japan of it’s fine consumables, our hero going so far as to purchase a painting while Super-Girlfriend Girl purchased a very nice bag.

Finally, they re-boarded their time machine, leaving Tokyo at 6pm on Tuesday, arriving in San Francisco 6 hours earlier.

When will our hero post pictures of his Japanese adventure?
Could NBC’s coverage of the Olympics possibly be any worse?
How many people on the west coast don’t realize their coverage is tape delayed?
And most importantly…
Who will win the gold medal in the steeple chase?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 31: On Assignment

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:45:00 +0000

Our Hero is about to go on assignment for 8 days in Japan. He expects to write more when he gets back.

In the meantime, here are some photos of his recent trip to Huzzy Lake:

Episode 30: Huzzy Lake

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0000

Photo Credit

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had stumbled across the ultimate power in the universe! It was suggested he use it. Then he was reminded not to be too proud of the technological terror he’d created.

Upon arriving at his annual superhero family meeting at his parent’s secret hideout on Huzzy Lake in Lawton, Mi, our hero settled into the grueling daily grind:

Mornings our hero would sleep in while his niece and 4 nephews, ranging in age from 10 to 4 years old, ate breakfast and participated in physical and mental agility exercises otherwise known as “play”. His nephew Jackzilla would get up at the crack of down, wake his father, and go attempt to rid the lake of bass on the new Bass-Boatbile. They had generally returned by the time our hero rolled out of bed and ate breakfast.

Then the kids would be mobilized. Everyone would change into their special water resistant uniforms and march down the long stairs to the beach where the children would participate in aquatic play drills while our hero and his sister’s sat and read technical manuals and other important security briefs.

Occasionally the adults would be called upon to join the children in the water, generally to lead an assault on the swim platform, beating it into submission by repeatedly jumping off of it into the water.

Then, back up to house for lunch. The children would then watch instructional videos cleverly disguised as popular movies or cartoons while the adults continued reading their novels… or, um, technical manuals.

Then back down to the beach and into the Bass-Boatbile. Only this time, two superheros would sit on Big Mabel, an inflatable raft like object secured to the boat by a long cord and then towed around the lake at high speed. “Tubing” as lay people call it, allows the young heroes to become acclimated to the high speed travel associated with being a superhero and provides the adults the opportunity to squeal like little children. Then our hero’s sisters turned the raft around to ride chariot style, a dangerous endeavor that involves holding on for dear life while Dad-Maniac-Driver tries to throw them from the raft.

After tubing drills, more time would be spent in the assault on the lake’s fish population. However as all caught fish were released, not net gain was made. Then dinner. Then more playing. Then generally much screaming and rending of garments would ensue as the children, now overcome by the Over-Tired-Monster, began to become cranky and irritable. Fortunately the adult heroes had an answer to the problem, sending them all downstairs to bed.

With them out of the way, the adult heroes could drink chocolate milk while eating cheese doodles and laugh themselves silly playing games.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
Who caught the biggest fish?
How long will our hero stay so relaxed after the trip?
And most importantly…
Did anyone leave anything behind?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 29: This Morning.

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was realizing that it’s far easier to write these post the more frequently he does them. When lots of time passes he feels compelled to write about everything, which is just not practical. He theorizes that he smaller window of time being chronicled, the easier and more entertaining the post.

This morning, our hero was roused from a sound sleep by the evil Alarm Monster. He defeated him with a single swat to the Monster’s snooze bar. The Monster inexplicably re-awoke 10 minutes later. Our hero silenced the Monster again, but this time permanently.

After lying in bed for 5 minutes to recover from the intense struggle that dispatched the Alarm Monster, our hero got up and prepared for the day. But this was no ordinary day for which he was preparing. Later that day, in fact so much later that day it would actually be tomorrow, our hero was to board a special jet plane and fly to cosmopolitan Detroit. Upon arriving early the next morning, our hero would then drive to a secret location in Southwestern Michigan for a meeting of his immediate superhero clan.

Unfortunately, our hero had been hit by Not-Entirely-Finished-Packing Man. He hurriedly threw anything he thought he needed into his suitcase as a counter attack, but the damage was done. He was fated to leaving the house without at least 1 or 2 things he’d meant to bring.

By the time he’d finished packing, battled with Dishes-That-Need-Washing Man and Removing-Every-Scrap-Of-Exposed-Food-Material-From-All-Surfaces-Lest-The-Fruit-Fly-Infestation-Continue Woman, he was racing out the door close to a half an hour late.

And so it was: He arrived at work 30 minutes late. And so it shall be recorded for all eternity in the electronic sheets of his time. And so he will stay at work until 5:30 to make up the lost time for time cannot be lost. And happy are those that read this for their children and their children’s children shall enjoy bountiful harvests all of their days.

What did our hero forget?
Will he get sufficient sleep on the red-eye?
And most importantly…
Will he have to wait long at airport security?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 28: The One Finger

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:46:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was battling orcs on the side of Mount Doom when Isildur, son of Elendil, cut the One Ring from Sauron’s hand. You didn’t know he was there then, did you?

Many thousands of years later, during the age of man, long after the last of the elves had sailed off into the west, our hero discovered a strange protuberance at the base of the knuckle on his left hand. While his trusty physician Doctor-Man insisted it was probably just a ganglion cyst, our hero knew better.

For you see, our hero was once a ring bearer, having briefly tried on one of the seven dwarf rings when Thrain II had come by to pick up TV tray our hero had borrowed. Thrain wanted it back to add to his treasure horde, and because he’d gotten really into Middle Earth Idol and wanted to be able to eat dinner more easily while watching. Anyway, when Thrain came over, our hero was doing the dishes and Thrain was shocked to see our hero washing the dishes without gloves on.

“You don’t have dish-pan hands” said Thrain.

“Of course not, I use Palmolive. It softens hands while you do dishes.”

“No, really? Palmolive?”

“You’re soaking in it.”

Thrain looked down and his hand was indeed submerged in a floating bowl of Palmolive that had appeared out of nowhere. Thrain was impressed with how smooth his hands felt, but after he left with his TV tray, our hero noticed something glinting on the floor. Slippery from the soap, Thrain’s ring of power had slipped off. Our hero immediately sent word to Thrain who rushed back for it, but in the meantime our hero tried it on, out of curiosity.

Well, let’s just say that even after Thrain had picked up the ring, our hero could still feel its grasp on his finger. That is, until Frodo destroyed the One Ring. Then his finger was fine.

Until he discovered the “ganglion cyst” as Doctor-Man called it! Fearing the return of Sauron, our hero quickly scheduled an appointment with Hand-Surgeon-Man to have the cyst removed. The procedure went off without a hitch last Friday and our hero is recovering nicely. He has the stitches out next Tuesday.

Then he will take the cyst and plunge it deep into the fires of Mt. Doom, just to be sure.

When will Galadriel return our hero’s calls?
When will Frodo get the hint and stop calling our hero?
And most importantly…
Who will be the next Middle Earth Idol?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 27: Birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 23:57:00 +0000

Tara and I

When last we left our intrepid hero he was so scarred from the last Hulk movie that he vowed not to see the new one, no matter how many good reviews it got.

Last weekend our hero was overwhelmed with special super secret BIRTHDAY MISSIONS. That’s right, our hero turned a year older on Sunday, but don’t look for his name on the ballot this November 4th. In spite of his super hero abilities, he’s still too young to run for President.

The BIRTHDAY MISSONS began Saturday afternoon when he joined forces with Miss-Tara-Super-Friend Woman, who’s birthday was Saturday, to have the first annual Alan and Tara Mini-Golf Open at McInnis Park in Marin. With prizes available for Best Trash Talking, Best Dressed, and Best Overall Style as well as lowest and highest score, close to 20 people turned out to compete.

Karen, Laurie, me as "Best Dressed Male", and Diana

Miss-Tara finished with the lowest score at 51. Our hero used his fabulous powers to score one hole-in-one on the treacherous course as well as bringing home the prize for Best Dressed Male, thanks largely to a pair of checked pants purchased the week before at a vintage shop in the Mission. Miss-Rachael-Johnny-Friday Girl won Best Dressed Female thanks to her old-school dress, heels, and parasol. She also took home highest overall score with a 76. How can you be expected to put well in high heels?

Rachael as "Best Dressed Female"

Then all entrants went out for pizza. Er, except the Pizza place had been attacked by the Closed-When-They-Said-They’d-Be-Open Monster. So everyone went next door to the World’s Most Expensive But Oh So Good Deli, where cake was eaten and presents opened.

Our hero then leant his super-human card playing abilities to the Impact Theatre Full Houses Poker Tournament and Fundraiser. Unfortunately our hero was no match for Everyone-Else-Who-Actually-Knew-How-To-Play-Poker and was eliminated after 2 hours of playing. You might think that good, but he was still one of the first 5 eliminated. Fortunately that left him more free time to drink, eat free pizza, and tons and tons of sweets.

Then Sunday, our hero’s actual birthday, he spent a relaxing day with Miss-Diana-Super Girlfriend. They went to the Berkeley Marina and flew Barnaby the Wonder Kite (A present from Larry-Man the day before). Then they explored a new seafood restaurant near our hero’s super lair. He had Opah, the fish, not the talk-show host.

Oh, and our hero got fabulous presents from Miss D! Including Elvis shot glasses, a new bag, a Cubs shirt, and Cubs tickets (for when they play the Giants)! Woohoo!

Can the Cubs continue their winning ways?
Will the Mets fire Willie Randolph... oh wait, they did.
and most importantly...
Where are my keys?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

View the whole Birthday photo album:

Birthday Birthday

Episode 26: The Journey South

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 05:20:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was picking mutton out of his teeth with the bones of his vanquished foes. Burp.

Last weekend, our hero flew down to LA for various ultra-secret super hero missions. One of which involved his attendance at Book Expo America. His hero-plane was due to leave shortly after work, requiring him to bring his luggage with him. When he arrived at his place of business he realized his BEA Badge was still on the fridge at home. Curses!

He went home on his lunch break to get it. Phew.

Then left his toothbrush at work. Foiled!

Upon his arrival in LA he called his super-hero contact Bix-Di-Guild Mistress and had a very confusing conversation with her. Then he arrived at her house to be greeted by her very confused room-mate Billy The Kid. Our hero was then very confused since the Bix-Di-Guild Mistress had said his bed would be made and a toothbrush waiting for him. But no toothbrush or made bed awaited him.

He used his special super-hero texting device to contact her. He used his special super-hero communicator to leave her a voice message.

And then the shoe drops! She thought our hero was arriving the following night! And the confusion lifts. Huzzah!

The next day our hero awoke at 5am to go to BEA and stalk Neil Gaiman; he finally cornered him at an autographing booth where he got a signed copy of The Graveyard Book due in stores in October.

Then he had a fabulous time drinking with his former boss Clair-Same-As-Always Woman and eventually showed up at birthday party where he stayed until far too late and returned back to Di’s super-lair after having been awake for nearly 24 hours.

The next day he enjoyed a wonderful BBQ and party at Bas-The-Dutchman’s new pad enjoying the company of many a monger and “entertainer contracted by the Southern Renaissance Faire.” He also got to see Christy-Finally-Moving-Out Woman, his friend who fights crime in San Jose and yet our hero never sees.

He spent his last day manning the fort at his former employer’s booth at BEA., defending it from free-loaders, selling off its contents, and finally packing it up for its return voyage to Oakland. The highlight being when the future mother of our hero’s children, Bernadette Peters came by the booth.

Episode #25: Laryngitis

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 14 May 2008 23:18:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he had slipped through a hole in the fabric of the universe. Fortunately a friend of his was able to darn it and get thing back on track again.

Our hero has been performing in Un-Scripted’s Theater: The Musical, making use of his superhuman knowledge of playwrights and his less-than-human singing abilities. Last weekend he headed into a grueling string of three performances on back-to-back days.

A short time into the performance on Thursday, our hero realized his character would have to explode in yelling rage at some point in the show. He immediately began pounding Slippery Elm as a preemptory strike against Ripped-To-Shreds-Voice Monster. The moment came and our hero was only visited by the Slightly-Ripped-Voice Monsterling.

He moved through the next two shows without much difficulty, and then spent an enjoyable Sunday with supergirlfriend. Monday, however, our hero’s throat was attacked by Laryngitis Man! Oh no! His stronghold on our hero’s throat has strengthened with each passing day leaving him unable to speak and feeling like he has barbed wire in his larynx.

But that’s not all! Now he’s been hit by Unbelievable-Sinus-Pressure Girl, often the precursor of Sinus-Infection Woman whom he hopes not to have to come to blows with. Unfortunately one of his biggest weapons against Unbelievable-Sinus-Pressure Girl, Sudafed, only strengthens Laryngitis Man.

While our hero having completely lost his voice is somewhat frustrating, it’s lead to many humorous situations, including this blog post on Experiment Farm, which our hero admits he find highly amusing for reasons he can’t quite explain.

How will he defeat these two valiant foes?
Will he be able sing in time for the show Thursday night?
And most importantly…
Will his teeth survive all this honey he’s drinking in warm water?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 24: DATELINE Last Weekend & Upcoming Performanc Schedule

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 02 May 2008 22:34:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he’d sunk his entire life savings into surplus dandelion green futures. He expects to be rich by August.

DATELINE: Friday night
Our hero and Super Girl went on a reconnaissance mission to Berkeley Rep’s 30 Below Night performance of Figaro. They explored the taste sensation that is a French Martini, and somehow managed to survive the first act of the show in spite of the ongoing battle with What-The-Hell-Is-The-Point-Of-This Man. They defeated him by escaping at intermission.

Then they trundled off to Miss-Rachael-Jonny-Friday Girl’s House Cooling Party, where they attacked her surplus of beer. Our hero’s only previous visit to Miss-R’s secret hideout was for her House Warming Party. He enjoyed the symmetry.

DATELINE: Saturday
Our Hero, Super Girl, Miss-Susan-Improva Mama and her sidekick Wonder Baby wandered into Golden Gate Park to a secret meeting of the Miss-Laurie-Our-New-Improv-Friend Woman’s birthday party.

They enjoyed the sunny abnormally warm temperatures and Miss-Laurie’s co-workers fine homebrew. Wonder Baby attacked a bag of Clementine oranges which she kept calling “apples”. She would bite one, through the rind, until she got to the orange itself. She’d make a face. Suck on the juice. Eat a bit of the orange, and then attack the next one. “One of these has got to be an apple. Nope, not this one. Nope, not this one. Nope, not this one.”

As Super Girl said “Apples and Oranges, Wonder Baby, Apples and Oranges.”

Turned out a friend of Miss-Laurie’s grew up in Downers Grove around the corner from our hero. Small World.

Then our hero and Super Girl took their leave of the festivities to race down to AT&TSBCPACBELL Park to meet up with Miss-Sinatra-IS-PREGNANT Girl, her husband and staff.

Alas, our heroes were waylaid by Longest-Wait-For-A-Muni-Train-Ever Man and arrived at the stadium well after the first pitch only to be confronted by Slowest-Will-Call-Line-Ever Man, or specifically the Person-Who-Can’t-Decide-Which-Tickets-To-Buy Monster.

But soon enough our heroes were safely ensconced in the last row of the center field bleachers, or as it was called that night, THE MIDDLE OF A @#! WINDTUNNEL. While this was not the all-you-can-eat section, our hero did manage to consume mass quantities of high quality fish and chips (and that statement is not sarcastic) and a frybread (an elephant ear to you Midwesterners).

Will the Cubs keep up their hot start?
Will our hero start going to the gym regularly now that has a membership?
And more importantly…
Who will be John McCain’s running mate?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

**********

Catch our hero in Un-Scripted's Theater: The Musical. Below is the play schedule:

Episode 23: Ballpark Gluttony

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 20:18:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was trying to decipher the Greek alphabet underwater with a chicken half stuck up his nose. Boy, wasn’t that a good time?

Our hero and his trusty girlfriend were recently called upon to test the Oakland A’s new ultra-secret All You Can Eat section at the Coliseum. After work the duo retired to Super-D-Girlfriend Woman’s lair in Berkeley for a quick change into their thermal protective suits and hopped onboard a BART train for the ride to the park.

They arrived about a half hour after the first pitch, due to D’s earlier altercation with Stuck-At-Work Man. As they rushed through the stadium looking for their seats they became perplexed when no entrance to their section presented itself. Not to be defeated, they consulted a nice member of the Coliseum staff who immediately gave them the secret directions to the All You Can Eat Section, which were literally:

Go through those doors there past the elevators and down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs go around to your right (being careful not to leave the stadium through the tempting exists) where you will encounter a short older woman who will very slowly check your tickets again and then give you a special super-powered arm band then go around to your left and up another set of stairs until you get to the upper deck and the entrance to your section.

Doing as they were told our heros finally arrived in the concessions area of the top most deck of the Coliseum. Quickly looking to their left and right for the shortest food line, they found themselves face-to-face with Longest-Lines-You-Could-Possibly-Imagine-Even-A-Half-Hour-Into-Game Man.

Disheartened, but not defeated, they picked a line confident that their patience would eventually defeat the line monster. However, given the length of thewait, they resolved to get as much food as the limits allowed so as to avoid getting in line again.

Here’s what they got:
3 Nachos
2 Hot Chocolates
2 Ice Cream Sandwiches
1 Popcorn
1 Hot Dog

They originally ordered 4 nachos, but due to an apparent shortage of chips, left without waiting for the 4th.

Summoning their super-human eating abilities, they consumed most of the food leaving behind one nachos and the popcorn relatively untouched.

Oh, and a baseball game was played. The A’s beat the Royals to provide a find backdrop for the gluttony.

Can food shortages in Haiti be blamed on the A’s All You Can Eat section?
Will the Democrats ever actually pick a nominee?
And most importantly…
Will the Cubs good start continue?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 22: Burlesque

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 06:07:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was about to be killed my Dr. Devil’s laser-ray. Thank goodness he had his trusty Thomas Guide to Los Angeles with him.

Many moons ago an old friend of our hero’s started up a Union of Near Topless (Save for Pasties) Dancers for the Purpose of Public Performance and Dancing, otherwise known as a UNT(SP)DPPPD, or Burlesque Troupe, for short.

Now Rachael-Johnny-Friday Girl, the friend in question, had frequently come to our hero’s aid as an audience member for his many performances. Seeing his friend in similar need of her own, our hero strove to attend her performances.

Only to be thwarted time and again by the evil Out-of-Town-Every-Time-They-Had-a-Gig Monster or Have-a-Show-of-My-Own-That-Night Man and once by My-God-I’ve-Been-Busy-All-Week-I-Just-Need-a-Night-Off Boy.

Then word reached our hero through secret communication channels, otherwise known as Tribe.net, that the Union of Near Topless (Save for Pasties) Dancers for the Purpose of Public Performance and Dancing would be part of a special evening of music and burlesque on a night when our hero was not otherwise previously engaged doing battle with other villains!

On the appointed night, our hero trekked down to the secret location of the event at the Space Gallery on Polk Street in a building where years ago our hero used to practice improv with the Fibbs. Our hero arrived just as the first band began their set, and he settled into long enjoyable evening hanging out with his friend, when she wasn’t performing, and her boyfriend and friend of our hero’s Named-For-A-Religion Boy.

The evening was really a birthday celebration for someone our hero did not know, but he did know many of the attendees and most of the attendees knew each other. The crowd was an interesting mix of the hip and tragically not hip. Attendee highlights included Tahitian-Renaissance-Faire Chick, Angry-Sulking-Lesbian Boy, The Young-Elfin-Lesbians-In-Love Posse, Woman-Trying-Not-To-Kill-The-Girl-Who-Had-Been-Having-An-Affair-With-Her-Husband Woman and Girl-Who’d-Had-An-Affair-With-Her-Husband Girl. Fortunately the Husband in question was absent.

All-in-all a good time was had by all and our hero finally got to see his friend perform in all her glory.

Who's birthday was it?
When will our hero finally get to sleep tonight?
And most importantly...
When will he have time to fold his laundry?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next episode of...
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 21: Not about the movie 21

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:27:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was sipping a cup of warm decaffeinated green tea.

Today our hero woke up, had cinnamon puffins for breakfast along with some orange juice with Spirulina mixed into it. He left home at about 7:45. He arrived at work and punched in at 8:53, his delay being caused by slow trains on the SF Muni system. (In fact someone had driven their car 2 miles into the muni tunnel.)

His day at work was largely uneventful, save for the arrival of his new 22” HD monitor. He spent some time rearranging his desk.

Soon, he will go home.

Why such an exciting day? Because it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!!!

Look for more actual exciting adventures of our hero soon!

Episode 20: The Internet

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:55:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was bemoaning the fact that he was out of town the weekend his friends filmed the teaser trailer for 3 Days Later: Jesus Christ Zombie Lord.

Recently, our hero has grown frustrated with his super-lair’s lack of internet access. When our hero first moved into his new secret hideout, he generously obtained his internet access from the Upstairs-Neighbors-Who-Didin’t-Password-Protect-Their-WiFi League. However, that all changed a year and a half ago when the League split up and moved out of the apartment.

Our hero muddled through by going to local internet cafes and occasionally standing at the bus stop on the street corner to use His-Friend’s-Downstairs-Neighbor-Who-Doesn’t-Password-Protect-His-WiFi Man’s wifi. Increasingly, however, our hero longed for the ability to get online without having to walk many blocks, purchase food, or face the elements and strange looks from passing bus drivers.

Various villains, however, impede our hero’s ability to obtain the Internet. Firstly, our hero must deal with the Bundled-Service Monster. As our hero has no need of a land-line phone or cable service (as his cable is provided by his landlord), cable modems or DSL are needlessly expensive. Secondly, even if our hero decided to go for the cable modem option, he would have to face His-Apartment-Isn’t-Technically-A-“Legal”-Unit-As-Defined-By-The-City-Of-San-Francisco-And-He-Would-Severly-Confuse-The-Cable-Company-In-Trying-To-Set-Up-Service Man.

Our hero opened up a line of communication with his landlord in order to solve the problem of obtaining internet access, and he suggested sharing the connection of the people who live upstairs.

Overcoming Unexpected-Shyness Man, our hero called them up and… Bingo! They gave our hero their security key for their wifi and he agreed to pay a share of the cost. Not only that, but after waking up the scarab beetles and firing up his ancient papyrus laptop, he was actually able to connect!

Our hero spent a blissful Saturday afternoon riding the Internet waves and rushed home from work on Monday with his head full of sugar plum dreams of the evening’s surfing. But then, our hero was attacked by Where-Did-Their-Network-Go Man. Eventually, he was able to perform a ritual to sun god Rah that pleased him enough to reveal the network to his laptop, but not to provide a strong enough signal to connect.

Will our hero be able to connect tonight?
Will he have to figure out how to otherwise get the Internet installed?
And most importantly…
How long before AT&T or Verizon can get a national broadband system set up in the old TV spectrum?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of…
Our Intrepid Hero.

Episode 19: When Allergies Attack

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 22:11:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had retooled his website www.experimentfarm.com and started blogging there daily. Wasn’t that exciting?

Our hero’s ongoing battle with the Seasonal-Allergy Monster escalated last week when the dastardly villain hit our hero squarely in the nose with his Transfigurometer transforming it into a Gushing Snot Faucet.

Quickly, our hero went to the local superhero supply store to procure an antidote, but the 24-hour Cetirizine Hydrochloride tablet only served to transform his nose into a Running Snot Faucet while at the same time afflicting him with an attack of the Drowsiness Fiend.

Battered, but not defeated, our hero visited another superhero supply store and procured some Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride tablets. Knowing, however, that these tablets pack the punch of the You-Must-Sleep-Now! Villain, our hero decided to accompany them with the counter-acting power of Pseudoephedrine tablets, which, as we all know, you can use to make meth.

Boom! That did it. For brief 4 hour stints our hero’s nose returned to normal, and with the uppers and the downers duking it out to a stalemate, our hero’s brain functions were relatively normal.

“Relatively” being the key word, for unbeknownst to our hero, Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride also comes with the hidden villain Side-Effect-Of-Depression Man, which hit our hero in full force Sunday night as he attempted to tackle Filling-His-Taxes Boy. The near tragic combination left our hero with incomplete tax forms and an antihistamine hang over Monday morning.

The worst seems to have past however. Not only has the Seasonal-Allergy Monster taken a hit form Lower-Pollen-Count Man, but our hero has discovered the wonder from the far east that is the Neti Pot! (don’t knock it ‘till you’ve tried it)

What exactly is a Neti Pot?
Who knows the common terms for the above drugs?
And most importantly…
Who’s your pick in March Madness?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero!

Episode 18: The Letters

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 23:40:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was fighting a losing allergic battle against Oak Pollen Season. That’s right: Oak Pollen. Who knew?

Friday morning, our hero was struggling against Leaving-For-Work-Late Man largely due to interference from I-Don’t-Know-What-I’m-Doing-This-Evening Boy. As he stumbled out towards the front gate of his building, he glanced down at the remnants of the previous days mail, as yet undelivered to his doorstep, only to freeze in his tracks.

Slowly he picked up the two envelopes, one from the University of Michigan and the other from Iowa. He knew immediately the contents of the letters, not only because of his x-ray eyes, but because of the diminutive size of the letters themselves.

Just to confirm, he opened them. Blast! Rejected by both super-hero creative writing programs, leaving his fate in the hands of Texas, and can we really trust a state that elected W governor?

Suddenly our hero’s evening plans coalesced and were to involve large quantities of alcohol. To that end, he want to see Jukebox Stories again and then went to Becket’s in Berkeley with the Fabulous-Miss-D Super Girlfriend, her friend Miss-J-Me-Former-Boss-Of-D Woman and Miss-J-Me’s new girlfriend Miss-H-Brewmistress Girl. Our hero enjoyed discussing beer with Miss-H as well as shooting Tequila with his laser gun.

What did you think he was going to do with Tequila?
When will our hero hear from Texas?
And most importantly…
Oak pollen? Oak pollen?! I mean, come on.

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero!