Our Intrepid Hero

Food Attacks #1: rôti de porc au lait

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 20 May 2011 14:00:00 +0000

For Christmas our hero received a copy of Anthony Bourdain's Les Halles Cookbook. Last Sunday, he cracked the pages and attempted to make his first meal from it.

All of the recipes in the book have French names, which makes it a little difficult for one, such as our hero, who does not speak French to know what they are at a glance. Not all of them have pictures of the finished product either. You may be amusing and edgy Anthony, but you're also a snooty food snob.

For his first foyer into snooty French cuisine, our hero choose the appropriately snotty sounding "rôti de porc au lait". Oooo. Sounds fancy.

Really, it's just "roast pork with milk". Oh, Anthony. You're whole book is about how people shouldn't be afraid to make French food at home. Then you have to go intimidate everyone with the snooty French names no one understands. (How many more times can I say "snooty", and yes, that one time I did mean "snotty".)

Nevertheless, our hero donned a cat apron and attempted to look French:

Fortunately the recipe was simple. Brown the pork roast in some oil and butter, which will fill the kitchen with that wonderful bacony cooking-pork smell. Caramelize some onions, carrots, and leaks. Add stuff and a bunch of milk. Then simmer it all together for an hour, rotating the pork occasionally. Make sure your shirt matches your Dutch oven (see pics above).

When it's done, you take the pork out and it looks like this:

Then you strain the stuff out of the pot, grab the immersion blender you got for your wedding (which should also match your shirt and Dutch oven), and froth the sauce until it looks like this:

You'll notice our roast was in two pieces. This was because the 3lb roast the recipe calls for wouldn't fit in our Dutch oven. But rather then just each take a half and start gnawing on it, our hero made the radical decision to carve it:

Then cover it with sauce and eat it with something to soak up the sauce (like boiled new potatoes with meyer lemon zest and juice from the tree in your neighbor's backyard). The sauce is amazing.

Hail!

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 05:04:00 +0000

This isn't a "Moving Adventure", but it seems I'm now using this blog for personal stuff...

Hail! It hailed tonight and it stuck around, making the backyard look like it snowed. San Mateo had tornado warnings today.

Moving Adventures #5: The Epic Week

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

We're mostly moved in at this point, but you'll have to wait a little long for pictures. In the meantime, I thought I'd go over how the move went.

The week leading up to the move was hectic to say the least. Diana was in tech for her show (Romeo and Juliet at Impact) leaving me in charge of all the last-minute packing. Unfortunately I started to come down with a cold that had wrestled with Diana the week before. I took Tuesday off to rest up and do some packing. Wednesday I felt a little better and had some meetings, so I went into the office. I survived the morning meeting, and then my manager encouraged me to reschedule the afternoon meeting and go home. Not being one to ever say no to leaving early, I did just that, even though I wasn't feeling all that bad.

Then somehow on the way home I walked through a hot zone. By the evening I had a fever of 101.5. Let's just say I did very little packing that day that couldn't be accomplished by sitting under blankets on the couch shivering with a wet towel on my forehead.

The next day was spent recovering.

Now suddenly it's Friday. I haven't done any packing since Tuesday night, and I haven't done any work since Wednesday. Or really since Tuesday since I spent Wednesday morning in a meeting. So I put in a full 8 hour day of working and frantically pack as much as I can Friday night.

But then Saturday comes. Glorious Saturday. Diana and I get up early, go sign our new lease and pick up the keys. We arrive back at home with just enough time to tidy up a bit before our outgoing landlords start showing our place to prospective new tenants. Then the plan was to pack like our pants were on fire.

Now here we must pause for some backstory. About a year ago, one of the arms broke off my glasses. I superglued it back on. In early February, the glue stopped holding. No worries, it still sort of stayed on. Then in mid-February, it fell off and I lost it. Now My insurance won't kick-in for new glasses until June. In an emergency they can move that up to March. So I just have to get them to last a couple more weeks and I can get new ones. Ok, I can still wear them with only one arm, sort of.

Now fast forward to Saturday morning. As hordes of strangers began filing through the mess of our home, I took my glasses off to adjust them a little, and they completely disintegrated. I mean lenses falling out, bridges evaporating; they have now turned into a tangle of metal and plastic.

2 WEEKS BEFORE I COULD GET NEW ONES.

As I am completely unable to function without them, I taped them back together enough that I could drive to lenscrafters without killing anyone. Two hours and several hundred dollars later I finally get home with a new pair.

So, I lose half of Saturday. Fortunately Diana was home to pick up the slack.

Sunday morning, Sadie was invited to a birthday party. As she is unable to drive, or walk herself great distances unattended, we had to take her. It was a lovely party, and a brilliant excuse to procrastinate. There went Sunday morning.

I don't remember Sunday afternoon or evening. It must have been a blur of boxes and bubble wrap. Somehow we managed to get it all done, even if I was frantically throwing things in bags and boxes as the movers loaded up the truck around me.

That's what I meant by an epic week.

Moving Adventures #4: Pre-Move Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:25:00 +0000

The last week has been an epic worthy of a full-on Our Intrepid Hero episode, but the chronicler is still somewhat AWOL. If he reappears maybe, it will get a treatment. Otherwise, just know that somehow we managed to move. After things are more settled, I'll take some pictures of us all moved in, but in the meantime, here are some pictures of the place empty when I first took a look at it:

Dig the bathroom tile!

A nice sink with a built-in cabinet.

The bedroom's not actually tilted at this angle.

Walk-in Closet

The uber-kitchen, and Sadie looking out the back door.

What's that streak of purple? It's Sadie flying by.

The living room with front door (right).

And the all-important wall-heater.

Moving Adventures #3: Zippgo

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 01:00:00 +0000

(not actually our house or our stuff)

Well, it was an eventful weekend. I worked from home on Friday so I could be there when our Zippgo Boxes arrived. Yes, we decided to fork over money to rent plastic moving boxes. They're so cool. After ripping my thumb to shreds on the packing tape dispenser boxing up our books, the lack of having to deal with tape alone makes it worth the money. They hold a lot of stuff. You don't have to worry about them collapsing or bottoming out. If you fill one with say cookbooks and then two days later find another cookbook you missed (as long as you haven't zip-tied it shut) you can just throw it in the cookbook box... because they open... without tape. They stack nicely. They don't slide off each other. Seriously, worth every penny.

Progress has been slow and steady. Saturday Diana took over the brunt of the packing duties while I drove down to Hayward to get brake hose for my car and then figured out how to install it. (It would be much easier to work on the brakes if the car was jacked 6 feet into the air. It's hard to get leverage when you're on your back contorting your arm around the suspension. On the upside, I managed not to shower myself in highly toxic brake fluid when I disconnected the hose. Those superpowers come in handy sometimes.)

Sunday, after fighting the Errand-Monster most of the day, I managed to start packing up kitchen breakables and linens.

Now's when things get interesting. Not only am I back to a limited 2-hours a day I can spend packing, but I am officially coming down with D's cold. Oddly, this is probably the first time in the nearly 4 years we've been together that she's gotten me sick. Of course, she's only been sick one other time in that span, and that was right before we moved the last time.

Moving Adventures #2: Books

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 20:00:00 +0000

I finished packing up one bookcase and most of a second, and it only took me all of 2 hours!... ah-hem, 14 seconds! With my, um, superhuman packing abilities:

I learned a few things last night. I learned that I own a lot of books I haven't read yet and would like to. I learned that Our Heroine owns a great many books that I would also like to read. I'm not sure when I'm going to do all this reading. I also learned, after watching 2 episodes of the new Hawaii Five-0 on-demand while packing (in 14 seconds) that people in Hawaii seem strangely willing to do just about anything a random anonymous person will hire them to do. They'll deliver strange packages to mysterious locations. They'll hack into satellite communications networks that control tsunami warning systems. I had no idea.

Moving Adventures #1: Oh Right

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 20:00:00 +0000

Um... Hello. Your Intrepid Hero here. Normally I don't write these myself. My "chronicler" does. He's very good at making my adventures sound very grandiose and important. Unfortunately he's sort of fallen down on the job of late. You'll notice he only documented one of my adventures all of last year. That's not a very thorough chronicler.

Don't worry, I haven't fired him. He may still pop in from time-to-time to post episodes or even to punch up the stuff I'm writing a little. I may even imitate his style every now and then, but he's better at it than I am.

In any case, I'm moving! (Or rather "we're" moving. Your Hero is officially married now.) I thought I might use this space to write about our moving adventure a little. I'll fill you in on the details and backstory eventually, probably through a series of cleverly nested "flashbacks". In the meantime, I started packing last night.

We're moving in less than 2 weeks, and D (our heroine) is stage managing a show that opens just a few days before we move. The date was my brilliant idea, and it means that I will be responsible for basically all of the packing.

Normally I hate packing, but I wasn't looking at this round of packing with nearly as much paralyzing dread as I usually do. Perhaps it's because I moved twice in a span of just 4 months a few years ago, or maybe it's because I still remember a time about 10 years ago when I packed up all of my belongings in all of about a day (only to unpack them the next day when the move fell through). In any case, as I eyed our tiny one bedroom apartment... ah-hem "super-lair", I kept thinking "this won't take too long".

Isn't that always the way? You look around at your stuff and think "This isn't too bad. How long can this take?" You start with visions of getting the whole living room packed up in no time. Taping boxes is fun. You think "Maybe I should slow down. I have almost 2 full weeks." Then 2 hours later you collapse in your easy chair exhausted and realize all you've managed to do is pack up your DVDs and 2 shelves in your bookcase.

Oh right, moving's a pain in the ass.

Episode 43: The New Addition

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:16:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was struggling to open a particularly well sealed jar of pickles, only to realize he'd fallen into the trap of the Pickle-Jar-Mind-Stealer. This left him unable to chronicle his adventures for the last 5 months.

When he awoke from his internet coma, our hero stumbled across a strange piece of intelligence. You see, his manager at the day job he keeps to maintain his secret identity, informed our hero that a friend of a friend of hers had a 9 month old Dachshund puppy looking for a home.

Now, our hero's partner in justice, whom shall henceforth be known as our heroine, has been greatly in need of a canine companion for sometime. You see, her powers are greatly enhanced when in the company of a dog. Alas, the landlord or our heroes fortress of solitude does not allow for pets... and yet... Our hero had sensed a certain crack in her resolve.

Summoning on all of his powers of persuasiveness, our hero sent his landlord a quick email wondering if they might be able to get a dog.

Alas! He did not know his own strength for soon she was not only consenting but offering to lend him a baby gate for partitioning off parts of the fortress of solitude from the puppy's presence.

So, the following Saturday our heroes hopped into their Honda-Mobile and drove the perilous journey to Sebastopol to meet said puppy. They arrived intended to see if it was a good fit and then think about the matter. But when they met Sadie-Super-Puppy, she soon started licking their faces with joy and before they knew what was happening, they were driving down a country road with a dog in the backseat.

This rapid turn of events threw our heroes for a loop even more than the attack of the 50-Meter-Meter-Maid. It's taken all of their resolve over the last few weeks to adjust to this new development, and will continue to test their fortitude in the months ahead.

But fear not! Our heroes are strong and now they are even stronger with the new addition to their league of heroes.

Will Sadie settle in and stop being so crazy?
Will she ever stop peeing form excitement whenever our heroine arrives home?
and most importantly
Isn't she cute?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 42: Not Faire

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 02:00:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero his brains were slowly oozing out of his ears as he gazed into the death screen of death. Fortunately there was that power outage and everything worked out for the best.

Last Saturday our hero and his trusty companion were called upon to use their super-human powers of patronage to spend a day at the Northern California Renaissance Faire. They enjoyed the wonderful weather, some fine entertainment, and good food that had unfortunately been attacked by Over-Priced Man. All told, however a successful afternoon. They even stopped at Sonic so that our trusty companion could recharge her superpowers (Sonic being her version of Superman’s yellow sun) and picked up an apricot pie at Casa de Fruita.

That’s when things took a turn. They’re voyage home took them along a lonely dangerous stretch of Highway 101 where almost exactly one year before our hero had fallen victim to Blown-Tire Man. While our hero ultimately triumphed, it was not before his planned weekend at Faire had been derailed.

After the trouncing Blown-Tire Man had suffered that day, our hero assumed he would not rear his inconvenient head again. And yet… he did. Suddenly our hero found himself on the side of the road loosening lug nuts yet again. After swapping out the torn treads for a donut, our heroes then had to tussle with Can-Only-Drive-50-MPH-On-880 Man. As some of you know, that’s not easy to survive.

But survive our heroes did only to get home and suffer their worst setback yet: the apricot pie was horrible.

Will our heroes ever go to Ren Faire again?
Where the tires, brand new as of a year ago, just plain defective?
Or most importantly…
Is it that they pave 101 with upturned nails?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 41: The Thwartingo

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 01:36:00 +0000

When last we’d left our intrepid hero, he had saved Mr. Hamster from the evils of his solitary ballfinement.

But now he was on to bigger and better challenges. After a near fatal encounter with Tired-Of-All-The-Music-On-His-iPod Man, our hero resolved to purchase some new music. Unfortunately he got waylaid by Always-Forgetting-To-Actually-Do-It Girl. Finally though, upon encountering a slow lazy day at his regular job, he finally made a short list of albums to purchase and went to MP3-Website-Named-After-A-Rainforest to make his purchases and vanquish his foes.

After deftly navigating to the first album on his list, he was dismayed to see that the only button that seemed to allow him to purchase the album said “Purchase with 1Click”. Now our hero does not believe in making purchases this way. He wants to be able to see the total and choose the right address and payment method for the purchase. He also wants the opportunity to change his mind.

But with no other options, he clicked it. Only to be taken to a page that required him to download their special music downloading software. “Ok,” he thought. “I can do that.” The download was quick as lighting and the installation as painless as a nice nap. He went back to the album and clicked the buy button…

Only to be taken back to the page telling him to download the downloading software. He reloaded the page. Didn’t work. He closed his web browser and relaunched it. Nope. He tried a different browser. Nada. Finally he noticed a tiny tiny text link that could only be seen by his superhuman eyes that said to click here to enable the software if it was already installed. He clicked it…

It took him back to the album page. Could it be? Would it work? He clicked once more on the buy button and…

Was taken back to the page telling him to download the downloading software. ARFGGG… Alas and alack our hero is still being assaulted by Tired-Of-All-The-Music-On-His-iPod Man. Thwarted by Idiotic- MP3-Website-Named-After-A-Rainforest

But this is not the end! He will be back!!!

Will our hero ever succeed in purchasing new music?
Which popular MP3 site will he use?
And most importantly…
BUT I’VE DOWNLOADED IT ALREADY!!!

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 40: Adventures in Babysitting

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sun, 24 May 2009 06:50:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was hanging by his toes over a fat of sulphuric acid. Thank goodness he had those chicken bones.

With his trusty partner in crime-fighting away on a special mission in Seattle, our hero took on a challenge that would test the very limits of his super-powers: babysitting Miss-S-Honorary-Niece Girl. After a long day of meditation and warm-up exercises, our hero made the short trek across town to Miss-S’s secret hide-out.

He arrived just as Miss-S’s father and grandfather were donning their super-suits for an adventure into the City to watch Miss-S’s mother rescue San Francisco theater-goers from an attack of the Borings by entertaining them in Shakespeare the Musical. They turned over the keys to Miss-S, and departed… leaving our hero alone… with a 2 year old!

Soon our hero was helping Miss-S rescue the bookshelf from Everything-On-The-Bookshelf-Is-Static-And-Not-Moving Man by pulling random items down, examining them, and putting them back. Then, as she refueled her super-cells with some Moo-Juice, our hero fought off the Vacuum-of-Silence Villain by reading aloud from Miss-S’s favorite picture books. After defeating said villain in the living room, the two went to Miss-S’s bedroom to do battle the same fiend! It took several more books read aloud to finally vanquish there foe. Exhausted by the effort, our hero laid Miss-S down in her crib, tucked her in, and said good-night.

With Miss-S sound asleep in the living room, our hero made sure the television didn’t break from underuse while refueling his own super-cells on some lovely soup.

How long will Miss-S sleep?
Will our hero survive the entire weekend with his sweetie gone?
And most importantly...
How many games will the Cubs loose in a row?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 39: Hide-Out Hunters

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 23:02:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he had infiltrated a small Marxist commune in Japan in order to steal their secret recipe for egg salad. The world can rest much easier now.

Back in November, our hero relocated super-lairs, giving up his San Francisco hide-out in order to combine forces with Super Girlfriend-Girl in her Berkley Fortress of (Not Quite) Solitude. However, this location posed some problems.

First off, the Fortress of (Not Quite) Solitude was located in a large building occupied by many other secret hide-outs. Hide-outs inhabited by mostly younger superheroes still in super hero school at the local super hero University. Everyone knows that studying to be a super hero is a loud business, what with practicing all your catch phrases and witty retorts and all.

Secondly, Mr. Freeze occupied the parking garage immediately below them, sucking away all of their heat. And finally, Mr. Dark had conquered half of their lair infesting it with… well… dark.

Technically our heroes were locked into a lease until the end of May, but they began looking for alternate super-lairs anyway.

Thursday: On a whim they look at a new hide-out near Rockridge and Elmwood in Oakland. Super Girlfriend-Girl loved it. Our hero felt like the place had been hit with a shrinking laser and worried about battling High Rent Man. And yet, the next day he had a vision of enjoying the wonderful neighborhood, the incredible light, and the new appliances. Friday, our heroes submitted an application. They might not even get it, they thought.

An hour later, Landlord-Man told them they could have it if they wanted it. Eep. Our heroes considered and debated and on Saturday our hero went to see another place just blocks from their current hide-out. It was good, but he needed Super Girlfriend-Girl to see it too. So the next day they went back with applications in hand just in case. As they were looking at the place, Land Lady-Lady told them they could have it if they wanted it.

Apparently our heroes are much in demand as tenants.

What to do? As they’re talking to Land Lady-Lady, Landlord Man calls to find out if they want the place in Rockridge (because if they don’t another pair of superheroes is prepared to swoop in). The pressure was on! Fortunately our heroes thrive on pressure.

Which hide-out did they choose? The expensive one in Rockridge with the new appliances and good light. The one in their price range that’s just down the block, but the smallest of the three they’d seen. Or the one in Lafayette with the fireplace and vaulted ceilings with the view of the interstate (also seen on Saturday)?

“We chose…” (flash three pictures of each place)… “Number 2. The one just down the block.”

We returned six months later to see… Um, that’ll have to wait.

In the meantime, our heroes now must use their super-human abilities to find new tenants for their current apartment so as not to be saddled with double rent for the next three months.

Can they find subletters?
Will they be able to downsize enough to fit in the new apartment?
And most importantly
Where will they put all their stuff?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 38: Snow Train

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 18:03:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was whittling a life sized replica of the White House for the Superhero Inaugural Ball.

Today our hero was charged with traveling from his sister’s superlair in Oak Park, IL to his parent’s superlair in Lawton, MI. Unfortunately upon waking, he discovered that the Midwest had been attacked by the Abominable-Lake-Effect-Snow-Monster. Oh no! With all of the roads covered with a slick and slippery coating of snow and visibility reduced to a nary a few cubits by the offending falling flakes how would he survive the drive!

A-Ha! By outwitting the monster by taking the train! With a 12:15 scheduled departure on Amtrak, our hero had but only to catch the 11:28 Metra train from Oak Park to downtown, walk across the street from one train station to the other and be on his way safely to K-Zoo.

Except of course the Foul-Weather-Fiend had effected even the rail lines. Our hero arrived at the platform in Oak Park to find his train delayed by 17 minutes! This might not seem like long in regular human terms, but to a superhero with a tight connection 17 minutes can be the difference between saving the day and the world ending at the hands of a supervillain’s doomsday device.

Bravely, our her o caught his delayed train and arrived in Chicago with a scant 10 minutes to cross the street, print is ticket, and find his train. But after leaping across the snow and slush filled streets with his suitcase in tow, our hero discovered the entrance to the other train was not in fact right across the street as he had been lead to believe. Sure, there were stairs down to some other Metra Trains, but the REAL trainstation was but a few blocks away.

With lightning quick speed our hero… or, er um, as fast as he could without falling on his ass in the snow, our hero forged his way to the main station, hauled his suitcase down the stairs, found a kiosk, and printed his ticket with just 1 minute to spare. Fearing that he may yet not make his train, he looked at the departures board to find … his train was delayed.

At this point our hero fell victim to the evils of Amtrak-Is-Run-By-A-Bunch-of-F-ing-Morons Man. While the departures board maniacally continued to flash “Delayed” offering no new information, our hero found out from the Incredibly-Unpleasant-and-Unfriendly-Customer-Service Lady that the delay was “an hour or more”. Realizing he probably had to wait until the train coming from K-Zoo arrived late at 1:40 to leave, our hero got lunch.

After satisfying his Italian Beef jones while listening to a wonderfully dramatic Cello-Busker fill the great hall with music, our hero descended into the hellish chaos that is the Amtrak-Forth-Circle-of-Hell-and-Waiting-Lounge. In order to even get into the lounge, our hero (and all other passengers) first had to move through a tiny narrow hallway jammed with people queued up for train leaving for Texas. Once that obstacle had been forded, our hero entered the waiting lounge, the entire left-hand side of which was crammed with people who somehow knew that the K-Zoo train would be boarding from Gate F. Meanwhile the departure board continue to simply flash “Delayed” with not gate information whatsoever.

With the gate are unofficially clogged with people, the moment finally arrived: the departure board switched to “Boarding F-10”. Well good. Tell us something we didn’t already know. Then came the evil taunting announcement “Now pre-boarding seniors”. The legions of passengers attempted to part to let seniors through but with little success. Once a few old people had managed to squeeze through without falling, breaking a hip, or generally dying, the crowd closed in behind them. Only to hear the second evil taunting announcement “Now pre-boarding families with small children”. Frightened children crowd surfed to the front of the line while mother’s wept hoping to one day be reunited with their sons and daughters.

Then, finally, general boarding started. Using his finely tuned skills of crowd maneuvering, our hero managed to slip through the gauntlet of seniors & babies who hadn’t survived pre-boarding and made it onto the platform and finally onto the train itself. A scant 2 hours late, our hero’s train of tears finally pulled away from the station.

Still, it was probably faster than driving.

Episode 37: Adventures in Breakfast and Persimmons

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 20:28:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was bounding around on the tops of buildings trying to find the mystical lollipop that Dr. Devastator had hidden in a vain attempt to take over the world. Oh, that Dr. Devastator, when will he learn?

Today, our hero arrived at work battling Haven’t-Eaten-Breakfast Man. Realizing the futility of attempting to be in any way productive on an empty stomach, he ventured back down to street level through his building’s Jefferies Tubes and went in search of a solid meal to start his day that had, in fact, long ago already started.

Curses! The corporate villainy of the new Large-Fancy-Hotel-Residency down the block had taken over the lease of our hero’s favorite corner deli forcing it to shutter its doors. Why? Why must you control the entire block? So you can open a branch of another failed financial institution like you’re doing in the other retail space you control?

But our hero was not defeated in his quest. No! His favorite corner deli had another location a few blocks away. Braving the low hanging sun in his eyes, our hero ventured forth in search of it. Upon finding it, he discovered that this location also featured a breakfast buffet! Grabbing a healthy assortment of eggs, bacon, and tater tots, our hero returned to his building and ascended the Jefferies Tubes to his cube shaped daytime super-lair.

Unbeknownst to our hero, the breakfast buffet at the deli had fallen into the hands of that dastardly villain Over-Cooked-And-Filled-With-Grease Ogre. In retrospect, our hero probably should have seen that one coming.

With his half finished breakfast slowly turning to stone on his desk, our hero bemoaned his lack of fruit, only to have the Magic Email Fairy deliver to his inbox a message from his co-worker saying that fresh from her boyfriend’s parent’s garden tangerines and persimmons were available in the production room.

Using his catlike speed, our hero snatched up a tangerine and devoured it. Still hungry, he went back for this “per-si-mmon”. Now, our hero had certainly encountered the concept of persimmons before. I mean, after all, who could forget how he used a persimmon to save the world in his great How Our Hero Used a Persimmon to Save the World Adventure? And yet, somehow, our hero had never actually eaten one in its original fresh-from-the-tree form. Somewhere along the way, our hero had developed a predisposition to think that persimmon’s tasted bad. Perhaps it was a residual effect of that crazy time when Dr. Devastator was controlling his brain through chocolate pudding, or maybe he had simply been misinformed, but our hero had never been eager to eat one.

His co-worker, Great-Fruit-Provider Woman, told him to use the peeler to remove the skin and then eat it. Our hero peeled his persimmon and looked skeptically at the pale orange fruit within. Then he bit into it.

Immediately our hero was visited by the Taste-Sensation Fairy, who filled his taste buds with an oddly familiar yet difficult to describe taste sensation that reminded our hero of cinnamon and apple and some other fall flavor, like eating a crisp autumn day where the leaves have all turned yellow and burnt orange, or like eating an apple pie in fruit form. Our hero gobble it up and looks forward to eating many more in the future.

Will our hero’s next persimmon taste as good?
Why did he wait so long to try one in the first place?
What poor unsuspecting store will Large-Fancy-Hotel-Residency take over next?
And most importantly…
Do you like persimmons?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 36: PBR!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:30:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he had posted his entire novel online for anyone to read at www.thedeadworks.com

Two Friday’s ago, our hero and the trusty Super Girlfriend Girl hoped onboard the BART mobile and headed down to the Oracle Arena to infiltrate the audience of the PBR Built Ford Tough Series event. For the uninitiated PBR stands for Professional Bull Riding!

Our heroes had purchased cheap tickets in the upper deck, but when they arrived they found their way to the upper deck blocked! Oh no! How would they get up to their seats? As they were about to open fire on the employees blocking their way, they discovered that the promoters hadn’t sold enough tickets for the event, so everyone in the upper deck’s seats had been upgraded. Woot.

Now firmly ensconced in their seats on the main floor, our heroes tried not to be overcome be the near smothering of patriotic fervor unleashed upon them by the opening sequence:

Then they took in the sheer awesome animal power that is professional bull riding!

When will our hero go see the PBR again?
Can anyone console him after the Cubs tragic loss in the playoffs?
Can the Red Sox beat the Rays?
And most importantly…
How low will the Dow go?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 35: The Fall of Egypt

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000

(Photo from Flickr Commons)

When last we left our intrepid hero he was eating mooseburgers in Alaska, waving at Russia from across the Bering Straight.

Then one day, our hero had to accept the fact that his ancient Egyptian laptop computer, run on the power of scarab beetles and beholden to the sun god Rah for connection to wifi could no longer help him in his never ending fight against crime and villainy.

After doing some research and emailing Brian-Tech-Guru Man up in Portland, he decided a more modern computer was in order. Perhaps one built using today’s modern new fangled technology. Deciding upon Dell as his computer supplier of choice, our hero began the seemingly endless process of tinkering with configurations on different models hoping to find one that met his desired specs and price range.

Finally he landed on configuration that he liked, but alas it was more money than the Super Hero Council had allotted him to spend. Not do be deterred, he used his superior web skills to look for coupon codes, only to find a special 2 day sale from Dell on the very model and configuration he desired! Faster than a speeding bullet, he ordered his laptop lickety split.

Then our hero sat back and began his daily, obsessive checks of this order status. After several day had passed without his order showing up online in his account, he called Dell’s Customer Service Wizards, only to get trapped in transfer loop that left him bouncing around different departments until he finally landed in sales.

It seems our hero’s order had been eaten by the Great-Mysterious-Computer monster and never actually processed! Fortunately, our hero retrieved from his archives his confirmation email and the good people at Dell sales were able to reconfigure his laptop at the same price. Phew! Otherwise our hero would have had to go unleash the full strength of his powers upon Dell and bring about their untimely demise.

Can you believe the Cubs made it to the playoffs?
When will Kenley finally get booted from Project Runway?
When will our hero get his new computer?
And most importantly…
Will Rah punish him for turning to a new wifi god?

Episode 34: Monterey

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:08:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was chewing gum in Singapore trying not to get arrested.

Last Sunday morning, after a harrowingly busy weekend attacking the lack of laughter in the Bay Area with his superhuman improv skills, helping his best super friend relocate secret hideouts, and saying farewell to Miss-Johnny-Friday-Girl before she moved to Chicago, our hero and Super Girlfriend Girl hopped in the trusty honda-mobile and headed south for Monterey.

Seems the local Hyatt was suffering form too many vacant rooms. Our heroes were more than happy to help out at the greatly reduced rate.

Upon arrival, they headed off to the world famous aquarium to commune with Aqua Man. Aqua Man had wisely skipped town to avoid the crush of tourists, but in between the teaming hordes, our heros enjoyed communing with the jelly fish, penguins, and the GREAT WHITE SHARK. The aquarium had just acquired it 4 days earlier. It was small, about 4 feet long, but still our heroes were thrilled to help welcome it to captivity. The throngs of people ignoring the signs and announcements saying not to take flash photography because it scares the shark away form the glass were thrilled too, and stupid.

Our heroes helped keep the walk along the ocean well tread, and ate lots of wonderful food that you can read all about here.

They also helped keep the rich people form getting lonely by driving the 17 Mile Drive.

Will the Cubs ever win another game?
Will the manager get lost on his way to their next city?
How will rest of the season go?
and most importantly...
How are you?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 33: Giants

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 05:30:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was writing in more detail about his trip to Japan in sporadic posts called “Japanaventures” on ExperimentFarm.com.

Last week our hero was contacted at work by the maker of Fabulous Computer Software. Our hero the primary administrator for Fabulous Computer Software at his place of employment, and they manufacturers wanted his help to fill a luxury suite at Monday night’s Giants Rockies game at AT&T Park.

Leaping into action, our hero recruited Super-Girlfriend Girl to accompany him, and last night they border the special luxury suite elevators and rode up to the Oracle Suite Level. (Oracle is not the maker of Fabulous Computer Software, though our hero is sure they make some fabulous computer software. No, Oracle sponsors the entire suite level at AT&T Park. So it’s not just “the suite level” it’s the “Oracle Suite Level”.)

They were in suite 25, which happens to be right behind home plate. If only they could have had better seats. Our heroes helped defeat the suite’s infestation with Excess-Of-Food-And-Alcohol by using their special imbibing and consuming powers to wolf down several plates of chicken nachos, mini-burgers, hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, Anchor Steam, Newcastle Brown Ale, Fat Tire Ale, and Strawberry Pomegranate Margaritas.

Unfortunately, the San Francisco Nine were no match for the boys from the rocky mountains. In fact, the Rockies weren’t that good either, and after 5 innings of sloppy play, our heroes couldn’t fight off the Creeping-Sleep Monster anymore and went home ahead of the rush.

This makes 2 luxury suites our hero has visited (the other being in San Jose), while Super Girlfriend Girl has now seen a game from a luxury suite in every major Bay Area venue save the Stick. Not bad.

How many games will the Giants lose this year?
Will the Rockies repeat as NL Champions?
How will instant replay work in MLB?
and most importantly...
Did you watch Hilary's speech?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 32: Adventures in Japan

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 00:34:00 +0000

View Larger Map

When last we left our intrepid hero he was lunching with Bigfoot in a Georgia forest when they were suddenly attacked. Our hero escaped, and in spite of claims to the contrary, so did Bigfoot.

Our hero, and his faithful companion Super-Girlfriend Girl were summoned on a secret mission to Japan in order to attend Super-Girlfriend Girl’s twin sister, Twin-Sister Girl’s wedding. They hopped into their trusty time machine, known as a Boeing 777, and flew into the future arriving on Monday while it was still Sunday back in the States.

Immediately they were hit by the 90-Degrees-And-Humid Monster, who unfortunately dominates Japan in August. Little was to be done, except to wear as little clothing as possible and seek out air conditioning wherever possible.

Our heroes spent several days attacking the urban jungle of the Yokohama and the greater Tokyo area, vanquishing Godzilla, Mothra, Mecha-Godzilla, and several other foes along the way. They also enjoyed cake on the 70th floor of Yokohama’s landmark tower in the middle of a thunderstorm, shopping in Ginza, and exploring Tokyo’s subway system.

One morning, they took their lives into their own hands, dodging and evading forklifts and scooters, to check out the Tsukiji fish market. They found themselves the only tourists in a sea of fish merchants stretching out as far as the eye could see. (Unsure if they were in an area where tourists were technically allowed, they did not take pictures. Also, any momentary pause risked getting plowed down by a machine or merchant carrying fish.) Afterwards they had enjoyed the freshest and best sushi known to man, even sampling some whale, which tasted just like sushi, only chewier.

Later that day they went to the Fisherman’s Wharf of Tokyo: Asakusa Temple, where everyone around them was a tourist, even the Japanese.

Then our heroes boarded a bullet train for the trek south to Matsuyama, the site of the impending nuptials. There, they were forced to endure a string of events wherein they were questioned, probed, fed good food, smiled at, and talked about in a foreign language by Twin-Sister Girl’s Japanese soon-to-be in-laws. After much smiling and nodding, this too was survived.

The wedding itself was highly enjoyable, especially the buffet, featuring Kobe beef and freshly rolled Sushi. Hmm…

Our heroes then returned to Tokyo for one last day of relieving Japan of it’s fine consumables, our hero going so far as to purchase a painting while Super-Girlfriend Girl purchased a very nice bag.

Finally, they re-boarded their time machine, leaving Tokyo at 6pm on Tuesday, arriving in San Francisco 6 hours earlier.

When will our hero post pictures of his Japanese adventure?
Could NBC’s coverage of the Olympics possibly be any worse?
How many people on the west coast don’t realize their coverage is tape delayed?
And most importantly…
Who will win the gold medal in the steeple chase?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 31: On Assignment

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:45:00 +0000

Our Hero is about to go on assignment for 8 days in Japan. He expects to write more when he gets back.

In the meantime, here are some photos of his recent trip to Huzzy Lake:

Episode 30: Huzzy Lake

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0000

Photo Credit

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had stumbled across the ultimate power in the universe! It was suggested he use it. Then he was reminded not to be too proud of the technological terror he’d created.

Upon arriving at his annual superhero family meeting at his parent’s secret hideout on Huzzy Lake in Lawton, Mi, our hero settled into the grueling daily grind:

Mornings our hero would sleep in while his niece and 4 nephews, ranging in age from 10 to 4 years old, ate breakfast and participated in physical and mental agility exercises otherwise known as “play”. His nephew Jackzilla would get up at the crack of down, wake his father, and go attempt to rid the lake of bass on the new Bass-Boatbile. They had generally returned by the time our hero rolled out of bed and ate breakfast.

Then the kids would be mobilized. Everyone would change into their special water resistant uniforms and march down the long stairs to the beach where the children would participate in aquatic play drills while our hero and his sister’s sat and read technical manuals and other important security briefs.

Occasionally the adults would be called upon to join the children in the water, generally to lead an assault on the swim platform, beating it into submission by repeatedly jumping off of it into the water.

Then, back up to house for lunch. The children would then watch instructional videos cleverly disguised as popular movies or cartoons while the adults continued reading their novels… or, um, technical manuals.

Then back down to the beach and into the Bass-Boatbile. Only this time, two superheros would sit on Big Mabel, an inflatable raft like object secured to the boat by a long cord and then towed around the lake at high speed. “Tubing” as lay people call it, allows the young heroes to become acclimated to the high speed travel associated with being a superhero and provides the adults the opportunity to squeal like little children. Then our hero’s sisters turned the raft around to ride chariot style, a dangerous endeavor that involves holding on for dear life while Dad-Maniac-Driver tries to throw them from the raft.

After tubing drills, more time would be spent in the assault on the lake’s fish population. However as all caught fish were released, not net gain was made. Then dinner. Then more playing. Then generally much screaming and rending of garments would ensue as the children, now overcome by the Over-Tired-Monster, began to become cranky and irritable. Fortunately the adult heroes had an answer to the problem, sending them all downstairs to bed.

With them out of the way, the adult heroes could drink chocolate milk while eating cheese doodles and laugh themselves silly playing games.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
Who caught the biggest fish?
How long will our hero stay so relaxed after the trip?
And most importantly…
Did anyone leave anything behind?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 29: This Morning.

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was realizing that it’s far easier to write these post the more frequently he does them. When lots of time passes he feels compelled to write about everything, which is just not practical. He theorizes that he smaller window of time being chronicled, the easier and more entertaining the post.

This morning, our hero was roused from a sound sleep by the evil Alarm Monster. He defeated him with a single swat to the Monster’s snooze bar. The Monster inexplicably re-awoke 10 minutes later. Our hero silenced the Monster again, but this time permanently.

After lying in bed for 5 minutes to recover from the intense struggle that dispatched the Alarm Monster, our hero got up and prepared for the day. But this was no ordinary day for which he was preparing. Later that day, in fact so much later that day it would actually be tomorrow, our hero was to board a special jet plane and fly to cosmopolitan Detroit. Upon arriving early the next morning, our hero would then drive to a secret location in Southwestern Michigan for a meeting of his immediate superhero clan.

Unfortunately, our hero had been hit by Not-Entirely-Finished-Packing Man. He hurriedly threw anything he thought he needed into his suitcase as a counter attack, but the damage was done. He was fated to leaving the house without at least 1 or 2 things he’d meant to bring.

By the time he’d finished packing, battled with Dishes-That-Need-Washing Man and Removing-Every-Scrap-Of-Exposed-Food-Material-From-All-Surfaces-Lest-The-Fruit-Fly-Infestation-Continue Woman, he was racing out the door close to a half an hour late.

And so it was: He arrived at work 30 minutes late. And so it shall be recorded for all eternity in the electronic sheets of his time. And so he will stay at work until 5:30 to make up the lost time for time cannot be lost. And happy are those that read this for their children and their children’s children shall enjoy bountiful harvests all of their days.

What did our hero forget?
Will he get sufficient sleep on the red-eye?
And most importantly…
Will he have to wait long at airport security?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 28: The One Finger

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:46:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was battling orcs on the side of Mount Doom when Isildur, son of Elendil, cut the One Ring from Sauron’s hand. You didn’t know he was there then, did you?

Many thousands of years later, during the age of man, long after the last of the elves had sailed off into the west, our hero discovered a strange protuberance at the base of the knuckle on his left hand. While his trusty physician Doctor-Man insisted it was probably just a ganglion cyst, our hero knew better.

For you see, our hero was once a ring bearer, having briefly tried on one of the seven dwarf rings when Thrain II had come by to pick up TV tray our hero had borrowed. Thrain wanted it back to add to his treasure horde, and because he’d gotten really into Middle Earth Idol and wanted to be able to eat dinner more easily while watching. Anyway, when Thrain came over, our hero was doing the dishes and Thrain was shocked to see our hero washing the dishes without gloves on.

“You don’t have dish-pan hands” said Thrain.

“Of course not, I use Palmolive. It softens hands while you do dishes.”

“No, really? Palmolive?”

“You’re soaking in it.”

Thrain looked down and his hand was indeed submerged in a floating bowl of Palmolive that had appeared out of nowhere. Thrain was impressed with how smooth his hands felt, but after he left with his TV tray, our hero noticed something glinting on the floor. Slippery from the soap, Thrain’s ring of power had slipped off. Our hero immediately sent word to Thrain who rushed back for it, but in the meantime our hero tried it on, out of curiosity.

Well, let’s just say that even after Thrain had picked up the ring, our hero could still feel its grasp on his finger. That is, until Frodo destroyed the One Ring. Then his finger was fine.

Until he discovered the “ganglion cyst” as Doctor-Man called it! Fearing the return of Sauron, our hero quickly scheduled an appointment with Hand-Surgeon-Man to have the cyst removed. The procedure went off without a hitch last Friday and our hero is recovering nicely. He has the stitches out next Tuesday.

Then he will take the cyst and plunge it deep into the fires of Mt. Doom, just to be sure.

When will Galadriel return our hero’s calls?
When will Frodo get the hint and stop calling our hero?
And most importantly…
Who will be the next Middle Earth Idol?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 27: Birthday!

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 23:57:00 +0000

Tara and I

When last we left our intrepid hero he was so scarred from the last Hulk movie that he vowed not to see the new one, no matter how many good reviews it got.

Last weekend our hero was overwhelmed with special super secret BIRTHDAY MISSIONS. That’s right, our hero turned a year older on Sunday, but don’t look for his name on the ballot this November 4th. In spite of his super hero abilities, he’s still too young to run for President.

The BIRTHDAY MISSONS began Saturday afternoon when he joined forces with Miss-Tara-Super-Friend Woman, who’s birthday was Saturday, to have the first annual Alan and Tara Mini-Golf Open at McInnis Park in Marin. With prizes available for Best Trash Talking, Best Dressed, and Best Overall Style as well as lowest and highest score, close to 20 people turned out to compete.

Karen, Laurie, me as "Best Dressed Male", and Diana

Miss-Tara finished with the lowest score at 51. Our hero used his fabulous powers to score one hole-in-one on the treacherous course as well as bringing home the prize for Best Dressed Male, thanks largely to a pair of checked pants purchased the week before at a vintage shop in the Mission. Miss-Rachael-Johnny-Friday Girl won Best Dressed Female thanks to her old-school dress, heels, and parasol. She also took home highest overall score with a 76. How can you be expected to put well in high heels?

Rachael as "Best Dressed Female"

Then all entrants went out for pizza. Er, except the Pizza place had been attacked by the Closed-When-They-Said-They’d-Be-Open Monster. So everyone went next door to the World’s Most Expensive But Oh So Good Deli, where cake was eaten and presents opened.

Our hero then leant his super-human card playing abilities to the Impact Theatre Full Houses Poker Tournament and Fundraiser. Unfortunately our hero was no match for Everyone-Else-Who-Actually-Knew-How-To-Play-Poker and was eliminated after 2 hours of playing. You might think that good, but he was still one of the first 5 eliminated. Fortunately that left him more free time to drink, eat free pizza, and tons and tons of sweets.

Then Sunday, our hero’s actual birthday, he spent a relaxing day with Miss-Diana-Super Girlfriend. They went to the Berkeley Marina and flew Barnaby the Wonder Kite (A present from Larry-Man the day before). Then they explored a new seafood restaurant near our hero’s super lair. He had Opah, the fish, not the talk-show host.

Oh, and our hero got fabulous presents from Miss D! Including Elvis shot glasses, a new bag, a Cubs shirt, and Cubs tickets (for when they play the Giants)! Woohoo!

Can the Cubs continue their winning ways?
Will the Mets fire Willie Randolph... oh wait, they did.
and most importantly...
Where are my keys?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

View the whole Birthday photo album:

Birthday Birthday

Episode 26: The Journey South

noreply@blogger.com (Alan Goy) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 05:20:00 +0000

When last we left our intrepid hero he was picking mutton out of his teeth with the bones of his vanquished foes. Burp.

Last weekend, our hero flew down to LA for various ultra-secret super hero missions. One of which involved his attendance at Book Expo America. His hero-plane was due to leave shortly after work, requiring him to bring his luggage with him. When he arrived at his place of business he realized his BEA Badge was still on the fridge at home. Curses!

He went home on his lunch break to get it. Phew.

Then left his toothbrush at work. Foiled!

Upon his arrival in LA he called his super-hero contact Bix-Di-Guild Mistress and had a very confusing conversation with her. Then he arrived at her house to be greeted by her very confused room-mate Billy The Kid. Our hero was then very confused since the Bix-Di-Guild Mistress had said his bed would be made and a toothbrush waiting for him. But no toothbrush or made bed awaited him.

He used his special super-hero texting device to contact her. He used his special super-hero communicator to leave her a voice message.

And then the shoe drops! She thought our hero was arriving the following night! And the confusion lifts. Huzzah!

The next day our hero awoke at 5am to go to BEA and stalk Neil Gaiman; he finally cornered him at an autographing booth where he got a signed copy of The Graveyard Book due in stores in October.

Then he had a fabulous time drinking with his former boss Clair-Same-As-Always Woman and eventually showed up at birthday party where he stayed until far too late and returned back to Di’s super-lair after having been awake for nearly 24 hours.

The next day he enjoyed a wonderful BBQ and party at Bas-The-Dutchman’s new pad enjoying the company of many a monger and “entertainer contracted by the Southern Renaissance Faire.” He also got to see Christy-Finally-Moving-Out Woman, his friend who fights crime in San Jose and yet our hero never sees.

He spent his last day manning the fort at his former employer’s booth at BEA., defending it from free-loaders, selling off its contents, and finally packing it up for its return voyage to Oakland. The highlight being when the future mother of our hero’s children, Bernadette Peters came by the booth.