McCurdy House

Quarantine, Day 11

2020-03-23T15:18:00.003-07:00

Friends, I'd like to introduce you to something I've talked about for a long time. Many of you already know about it. It's a little thing I like to call "McCurdy School of Gettin' It Done Right" 

When I win the lottery someday, (note to self: must start playing the lottery!) I will open McCurdy School of Gettin' it Done Right. 

Our hours will be roughly 9 am - 3 ish. We will not work Fridays. 

Our focus will be music, duh. But we'll also get the other stuff in. 

Our campus will look like Hogwarts. 

It will be a private school with a  ton of scholarships so everyone who wants to can attend.  

We will hire all of the best teachers, office staff, janitors, and cafeteria staff and pay them an exorbitant wage. 

Everyone will have plan time out the ears. 

Classes will be super small. And there will be a coffee shop onsite with free coffee for staff. 

We will not put up with any crap from students at McCurdy School. It will be glorious.

Well, I never pictured McCurdy School would start in my house during a pandemic, but here we are. We began today with a few worksheets, some free writing, and some reading. There was no free coffee and no plan time and yes, we took a lot of crap. Turns out all schooling comes with a smidge of crap.And I say that with love because, like many of my teacher friends,  I missed my kids today.  But my co-teacher is hot and I didn't have to put pants on so.....#livingthedream

Chessie L. McCurdy, 1999-2018

2018-10-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

Alternate title: The Queen of Hell returns to Her throne which had sat empty for 19 long years.

We had to put our cat to sleep this past weekend.

Chessie was 19 at least. It’s hard to judge your cats exact age when she comes from a box outside Walmart.

When I was 19, I was volunteering with the high school youth at my church. One Sunday night, on the way to youth group, my roommates and I stopped by Walmart. Outside stood a little girl, probably 8 or 9 years old, and a big cardboard box full of kittens. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, in her authentic southern drawl, “My mama said we’d have to euthanize ‘em if no one takes ‘em….” So, despite being a dog person to the core and having a mild cat allergy, I peeked in the box. I chose a tiny calico who was quieter than all the rest. The little girl enthusiastically told me “This one’s named Smashmouth!” to which I replied, “Not for long!”

And that was that. I was the proud-ish owner of a cat.

I named her Chessie, after the mascot of the Chesapeake and Ohio train company. My grandfather worked for various railroads and when I was little, there was an embroidered “Chessie Cat” hanging in my bedroom. I remember that when I took her home, she seemed so tiny in such a big place. Not really knowing what to do with a tiny cat, I made her a bed in my overturned laundry hamper.

Little did I know that the “quietest cat in the box” wasn’t the sweet, docile animal I hoped for. She was quiet because she was plotting.

Chessie wasn’t exactly “sweet”. My best friend gave her a middle name: Lucifer. It fit.

The veterinarian called her a “30 second cat” – as in, you better get in, get what you need, and get out in 30 seconds, or there would be blood. As a kitten, she loved to climb my leg like a tree: digging her tiny kitten claws into my skin. Once, out of spite, she peed all over a futon, completely ruining it (sidenote: remember futons? Oh, college.) That’s how I ended up watching TV on a pile of pillows atop a futon frame for nearly 2 years. When we moved into our first house, Chessie got fleas and we just couldn’t get rid of them, so I took her to get shaved. The groomer did warn me that the price was dependent on how many people it took to get the job done, but the $300 bill was still a shock. Turns out, Chessie had required at least 3 people to hold her down as well as one young lady to hold a pencil in her mouth, to stop her from biting. She bit through the pencil.

Once my friends starting having kids and bringing them to our house, we developed a handy saying: “If it’s brown (Chessie), put it down. Black and white? (Stevie, our other cat) You ‘aight.”

Chessie’s claim to fame was her toes: she had 32 of them, at least. When I took her to be declawed (I know, I know. Listen, I was like 19 years old. What did I know?), afterwards the vet said to me, “Did you know she has 8 toes on each paw?”, to which I asked “Does that cost extra?”. She actually had a couple more on her back paws that he must have missed, because when she got mad, she could locate those back claws in a second and she did NOT hesitate to use them against you.

Chessie and I did a lot of growing up together. She was the first pet that was solely mine, and let me tell you: mistakes were made. Like how I fed her kitten chow for the first 3 years of her life, thinking she was still a kitten just like a 3 year old human is still kinda a baby. She got a HUGE gut that swayed when she walked. Or the time I tried to rid my tiny, Fort Sanders studio apartment of roaches by setting off one of those roach bombs. I didn’t realize that you were supposed to remove small animals BEFORE turning it on. It’s amazing we both survived my 20s.

Stevie, my other cat, came along when Chessie was about 5. Stevie is her exact opposite: he’s sweet, he loves to be touched, and he loves all people. Chessie was not amused. When Stevie was a tiny kitten, she loved to rear back onto her hind legs and smack him across the face with her giant paws. It’s a miracle Stevie survived her!

Chessie lived to be 19 years old. Honestly, we have been expecting her to die for at least 4 years now. Every time I ordered something from Amazon, Russell and I would joke about saving the box to bury her in, because surely it was any day now. When she’d cough up a hairball, one of us would yell “Go get the shovel! It’s time!”. But she just held on. I think she did it out of spite. She was too grumpy and stubborn to slink off quietly.

Last week, she started having trouble walking. She stopped eating as much and starting sitting very quietly in the sun, barely breathing. It was time. We took her on Saturday morning. It was over quickly with very little pain. We were both surprised how sad it was – after all, we knew it was coming and she wasn’t exactly, um, lovable. But it’s always hard to say goodbye, especially to a friend who has been with you from college til your late 30s.

So, goodbye Chessie. I will not miss you, crying in the hallway at 3 am, over a wool mitten. I will not miss coming home to find your latest hairball every. Single. Day. I will not miss scrambling to stop you from scratching an innocent victim or throwing pillows at you in the middle of the night to stop you from fighting with Steve. But I will miss telling your stories, which have become our family’s lore. And I will miss the soft fur on top of your head, and calling you “Chessie Ann”, when you were being sweet, which wasn’t often. I hope you are either in cat heaven, where you can eat all the soft food you want without having to share, or in cat hell, ruling over your minions. My bet is the latter.

I have the bubble guts: a misinterpretation of "The Sound of Music"

2017-02-26T17:55:00.001-08:00

Well kids, it’s that time of year again: “Sound of Music” test time! Every year, my sixth grade chorus studies the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, “The Sound of Music”. At the end of the unit, they take a test. Most of them do great! Some of them….not so much. For your enjoyment, here are some of the best (re: worst) answers. Test questions are in blue, kids answers are in italicized red, bad spelling and all…. My comments are in (black)

*Disclaimer: these answers do, thankfully, represent only a small portion of the kids I teach. Most students aced this bad boy, no problem. So don't go thinking that I'm the crappiest teacher ever or that I just pop in the video and then give them a hard test so I can make fun of them. No, no, we did actually study this, complete with 2 days of review games before the test! Which makes these answers all the more perplexing. :)

I like to start off with horrible spellings of nazi: Natisees, Noxies, the Nastis, Naze, Notsece’s, Nootecez, Notiosones

Next, fill in the blanks with 1 letter each to form each Vontrapp child’s name!

1. __ I E S __ (Liesl): AIESL, LIESS

2. F R I E ___ R I C H (Friedrich): Frieerich, Friefrich

3. L O U I __ __ (Louisa):louiau, Louios

4. B __ I G I ___ T A (Brigitta): Buigietta,

5. ___ A R T A (Marta): Barta,

6. G ___ E T ___ (Gretl): Gieti, Geetie,

(And yes, in the style of Maria VonTrapp, yours truly left off Kurt (“GOD BLESS KURT!”). Guess how many kids caught it? 0. )

Complete the titles of the 10 songs in “The Sound of Music” – some letters and blanks are provided.

1. E________________________ (1 word) (Edelweiss)

Ewdestine (something like that)

Elaphants

Esperanza

Enchilada,

(and my favorite) Ello, it’s me

"Ello, it's me, screaming in frustration at how bad your answers are"

2. The ___________________ _______ __________________(The Sound of Music)

The lunchbags of terror

The goat on the sun

The great train ride

The last epic aunschluss

The hills have eyes (Maybe that’s the real reason Maria didn’t want to be a nun…?)

3. I have _______________________________(I have confidence)

I have a boo boo

I have stuff to do

I have to go

I have good news

I have the bubble guts (Sounds like a personal problem)

4. The ________________________ goatherd (The Lonely Goatherd)

The goats goatherd

The peoples goatherd ("I've always like that guy...he's a real people's goatherd, ya know?")

The chorus goatherd (That’s my street name, fyi)

5. 16 ___________________ on _______ (16 going on 17)

16 going on 16 (Somewhere along the line, public school math failed this kid)

6. How do you _______________ a __________________ like ______________________? (How do you solve a problem like Maria?)

How do you get a dress like that?

How do you know a man likes dogs?

How do you know a dog likes you?

How do you know a girl likes you?

How do you catch a girl like Maurice?

How do you make a shoe like Lebrons?

(All of these are accurate google search terms for middle schoolers)

7. __________________ every ________________________ (Climb every mountain)

Nazis everywhere

Mountain every, you climb (thank you, Yoda)

"Ford every stream, you must"

Short answer time!
Question 1: Who wrote “The Sound of Music”? (2 last names – bonus points if you know their first names too!)

Jackson and Bausinhimar II (Not to be confused with Bausinhimar the first. That guy was trash)

Robert and Olaf

Heinrich and Schliemann (You have to admit, this kid did a decent job on faux German names)

Rhodrick and Kendall

Bill Nye (He’s not just a science guy!)

Alberstein and Wolfgard

Harmanstin and Hammarnstin ( I mean, what are the chances these 2 guys found each other and became writing partners??)

Question 2: What was the Anschluss?

A young lady

their maid

the woman the Captain was going to marry first

when Heltler became in controle of Astria (Ah, Hetler…)

Question 3: Why does Herr Zeller want to speak with the Captain when he returns from his honeymoon?

Because he needs to go on a trip with Hitler (“a trip”…. “World War 2”…tomato, tom-ah-to)

He likes the oldest kid (Love triangle!)

He wants to find good singers who can make money for him (Also how the Backstreet Boys were formed I believe)

Because he wants a nanny (Herr Zeller’s been a bad, bad Nazi)

Who, me?

Question 4: At the end of the film, who is chasing the Vontrapps?

Rolf and the gourds (coincidentally, that’s the name of my Rodgers and Hammerstein cover band)

This is our album cover. If you knew how much time this took me to make, you'd really judge my life choices.

Question 5: If the Captain and the Baronness get married, what will happen to the children?

They’ll never sing again

The children will have a queer as a mother (Pretty sure this kid meant Queen…which is still wrong)

"Don't even pretend I'm not the most fabulous person in this movie"

Question 6: In which country does the story take place?

Suitsorlind

Astoryor

Question 7: Maria isn’t a very good nun – why not?

She is too straight forward with the Captain.

Um, because she’s married and has 7 kids? (“Duh, Mrs. McCurdy. C’mon.”)

Question 8: Name 3 of Maria’s favorite things:

maple stroodles (I just love this spelling J)

bee stings and dog bites (Context in song lyrics is important guys)

da fiddles (This kid meant daffodils but spelling is hard, y’all)

unicorns? (Can I tell you how many kids put this?? What the hell guys, unicorns aren’t real!)

girls and boys in blue satan sacks (Again, spelling will get ya!)

roses, champain, men (Sounds like an episode of The Bachelor)

Toaster struddles (This is how I shall now pronounce Toaster Streudels from hence forth)

Pink, pampered poodles (Yes, because of ALL the poodles in this movie…)

daphidillos (see below)

And here we have the wild and rare daffidillo

And my favorite answer: whisks on kittens

Well of course they're one of Maria's favorite things, THEY'RE ADORABLE

Question 9: During "So Long, Farewell", why does Liesl want to stay at the ball? (To drink her first champagne)

To go out with the mailman

Good ‘ole wine! (Love this answer J )

So she won’t go to jail (Not sure of her crime. Maybe something to do with dating the mailman?)

So she can meat her prince, Rogurt (So much wrong with this answer. Also, so much hilarious)

So many jokes about packages and handling, I couldn't pick one.

Question 10: At the ball, Maria and the Captain demonstrate the landler. What is the landler?

A really seductive dance (Can’t tell you how creeped out I am that this kid found the landler “seductive”)

Question 11: The children put on a puppet show for the Baroness – what is it about?

Love and goats (Story of my life, amiright??)

Question 12: Kurt tells Maria that their last fraulein told him he was “incorrigible” – what does “incorrigible” mean?

It means he snores

Not corrigible (Well played, sir)

He’s good at incorriging people (I'm not very "incorriged" by your answers...)

Question 13: If you were playing a part in the musical, who would you be AND WHY?

-I’d want to be Liesl so I could smack Rolf in the face when he rejects me

-The chief because he seems cool and I like how he goes from girl to another (So, the Captain is a player? I mean, this kids not wrong…)

-The guy in the army because he works out and stuff

-Rolf, because I am the deceiver. (Um….does Rolf wear blue Satan slacks?)

-None, I don’t like anyone in the story and I most definitely don’t like Hitler sooooo……

-I’d want to be Max the Butler because that guy’s suspicious

-I would be Max (the butler) because he gets to hang out at the house alone when the Captain is gone (Same kid. Same)

"I'm so alone, Maria. So very alone"

Question 14: What happens between Rolf and Liesl in the gazebo?

She almost shoots him

they have a fist fight (What movie were these kids watching??)

Question 15: Complete the lyrics!

Do, a ______________ a ________________ deer

scene of a dead deer, a beautiful, a beautiful deer

Re, a ______________ of golden _________________

Buick of golden rings, fish of golden scales,

Mi, a name I call my ______________mom, owl

Fa, a long long way to _________________ smell

So, a _________________ pulling ___________________guy pulling a rope, an ox pulling a trailer, wagon pulling pilgrims,

La, a ____________________ to follow _____________________La, a la, to follow a llama (Best answer J )

Ti, a drink with _______________________ and _____________________ a drink with the Captain and Max,

And these answers all came from 1 student who clearly had no clue, but did a darn nice job making it up:

Do, a maiden, a dandy deer

Re, a touch of golden clouds

Mi, a name I call my mother

Fa, a long long way to heaven

So, a hand pulling love

La, a rainbow to follow luck

Ti, a drink with clouds and destiny!

(TI, A DRINK WITH CLOUDS AND DESTINY. I DIE. )

Question 15: This movie came out in 1965 and is still the most popular movie musical of all time. Why do you think it still appeals to audiences?

It still appeals to old people because old people like old movies (Ain’t it the truth though)

Maybe because people really love the movies and it’s a good movie and old people like to watch movies over and over again (This kid has been forced to sit through many viewings of “On Golden Pond”)

"I don't care what they say, Donald, this movie is fun for all ages!"

Because of the ROMANCE (Just remember: an 11 year old chose this as their answer J )

It has adventure, singing, romance, dancing – I mean, what else does it need?? (WHAT ELSE, INDEED?!?)

Because its fun to whack and the rob mantiz (For Pete’s sake. I think this kid meant “Because it’s fun to watch and the romance” because you know, that makes sense.)

So, according to my 6th graders....

“The Sound of Music”, written by Bill Nye the Science Guy, tells the story of Maria, a unicorn-loving nun living in Astoryor, who is sent away from her Abbey to become the governess for a Chief and his 7 children: Liess, Friefrich, Louios, Buigietta, Barta, and Geetie (plus one more whose name is super forgettable apparently). They badly need a governess, especially the oldest one who is dating their mailman, Rogurt. She teaches them songs like “Enchilada", "The lunchbags of terror", and "How do you know a man likes dogs?". They also learn about her favorite things: maple stroodles, the Bachelor, and dog bites. Maria soon falls in love with the Chief who has wooed her with a seductive dance. He breaks it off with his Baroness girlfriend (good thing, since she was super gay). Confused, Maria returns to her Mother Superior, who teaches her the ways of the Jedi. She returns to the mansion and marries the Captain, but whilst on their honeymoon, the Anschluss (when Heltler took controle of Astoryor) happens and they rush home to find Herr Zeller, who is desperate to put together the next great boy band. The Chief refuses and the family tries to escape to Suitsorlind while being chased by the mailman and some squash. In the end, they make their way to Suitsorlind: land of Ti- a drink with clouds and destiny!

Sounds right to me! :)

These are a few of my favorite things....no, this isn't the Sound of Music post. Sorry Dustin!

2015-08-16T16:08:00.002-07:00

Hello world! I hope you all had a great summer! We sure did - a lot better than last summer!
Newborns are cute and all, but toddlers are a whole lot more portable.

We were able to visit my Grama Heinemann and Uncle Mark and Aunt Marian (my mom's brother and sister in law) as well as my Michigan family: my Grama Berry, Uncle Doug and Aunt Cindy, Uncle Dale and Aunt Peggy, and their kids, my cousins Katie (and her husband Cal) and Tom. We even stopped over in Atlanta to see my cousin Beth and her new baby, Emma! It was a busy, wonderful summer.

Reading with Aunt Mare

Uncle Mark, Aunt Mare, and "dog-father" Augie

The new grandmothers! (My Aunt Peggy and baby Emma on the right)

So, Facebook tells me that a whole lot of you are having babies! Now that I'm a parenting expert (ha ha!), I thought I'd throw out my own list of "must haves" for a newborn, keeping in mind that there is NO list that will work perfectly for your baby. It's basically pointless to read them. Wow, I'm really selling this, aren't I??

Without further ado....my new-baby "must have" list:

Some kind of swaddler. Because the Pavlik harness made everything difficult for Claire's first 6 weeks of life, we own every swaddler under the sun in hopes that one of them would work. None of them did. But you better believe that as soon as we could take that damn harness off, that baby got swaddled! Russell's favorite is the Miracle Blanket and mine is the Halo SleepSac, but a good ole muslin wrap works fine too! And don't be shy – swaddle that baby TIGHT because otherwise she will Houdini her way out after you've spent 45 minutes nursing, tiptoed to her crib, laid her down super slowly, eased out of the room, laid down in your own bed and opened “Candy Crush”. That's when she'll break free.

AngelCare Monitor. Okay, don't judge me. The baby industry preys on the scared, which is easy since all new parents are, at least a little, terrified. When I was a baby, I think “baby proofing” meant those brittle plastic plug protectors and the number for poison control on your . Now, there's an entire industry for keeping your precious baby safe. It's overwhelming. So, I allowed myself one “crazy, terrified, first time mom” item for Claire and this is it: the AngelCare Monitor. Basically, it's a sensor that sits under her crib mattress and registers every time she breathes. If she stops, it sounds an alarm. I know it's crazy, but it gives me enough peace of mind to sleep at night. I'll be keeping it under her mattress until she leaves for college.

White noise machine. When I first heard about babies and white noise, I was skeptical. I mean, I get that the womb is loud, but when she was brand new, I could wake her up by exhaling, so how can this kid sleep through waves crashing at 150 decibels? Let me tell you – you're gonna want to set that machine on the loudest setting imaginable. I recommend something along the lines of “Air Raid over Tel Aviv”. I can almost see her get tired when I turn the machine on. Also, our old house floors are incredibly squeaky, but with the sound machine, I wait for a big “crash” of the “waves” and then dart out of her room. It takes 5 or 6 big waves to get me out and the door shut, and I feel like a ninja, or one of those ghosts from Super Mario Brothers that only moves when you're not looking at it.

(Avert your eyes, dad and former students) Breast pads. I was really lucky to be given some handmade cloth breast pads and I used them almost every single day in the months after Claire's birth. Trust me, you don't want to be stuck in public with no protection when your boobs decide to show off their new skills and soak through your shirt. When Claire was a few weeks old, I stupidly went to lunch and a show with my mom, not realizing that being away from your newborn for 6 hours is no bueno for your boobs. If it wasn't for those breast pads, the whole audience would have had to evacuate the theatre because of flooding.

5. This little miracle:


So many things wrong with this picture: her hair's been washed and curled. She's not still wearing maternity clothing. That baby isn't crying, yet she's sitting there like a dumbass. GO WATCH TV. THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

Our Fisher Price Rock 'n Play was handed down to us by my friend Aundrea who got it from her friend Melissa. I've now handed it down to Aundrea's sister, Kat. Did you follow all that? The point is: this bad boy is awesome. Claire napped in this thing WAY better than anywhere else plus it folds up and isn't huge. My only complaint is that the version we all used doesn't rock itself, but I see that the new one does. High five, Fisher Price!

And of course, must haves for the new mother:

Febreeze, to spray on yourself before you leave the house because you can smell the poop, you just can't seem to find it...
Giant sunglasses to hide the bags under your eyes
A spare change of clothes. No, not for the baby, for you when you inevitably get puked or pooped on.
Gum, because let's be honest, you can't remember if you brushed your teeth.

Wish I was kidding about any of these.

Well, hang in there new moms (and dads)! The good and bad news is this: in a couple of months, the problems you are going through now will have disappeared and been replaced by totally new problems! Yay parenting!

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 16 months! The most upsetting part of this is shopping for clothing. I'm really not ready for her to be a "toddler", but Target is trying to force feed me baby booty shorts and t-shirts with glitter My Little Ponies on them. I'm all "WHERE ARE THE 2T ONESIES??"

How Claire is eating:Well, she'll eat most anything but her favorites are cheese cubes, cottage cheese, anything bread, carrots, and peas. Her least favorites are meatballs, mushrooms, and tomatoes.

How Claire is sleeping: Like a dream! She goes down around 6:30 and sleeps through the night until 6:30ish the next morning. She's super scheduled, so if she misses a nap, it throws off the nighttime routine a bit, but overall she's a great sleeper.

How much weight I've lost: Sooooo....what had happened was 2 days after Claire's birthday, she came down with a killer stomach bug, which she shared with both of us. I got really dehydrated, passed out, fell out of a chair, and ended up with an inner ear thing / concussion / "good shaking", depending on which medical professional you talk to. Whatever it was, it made me dizzy for, oh, 5 MONTHS. After physical therapy, an MRI, and some medication, it's nearly gone, but it did knock me out of any real exercise for the entire summer. So, I actually gained 5 pounds BACK. AWESOME. Now that I'm back to school, it's slowly coming off again, but if you see me eating a cookie, smack it out of my fat little hand, mmmkay?

Milestones this week: Claire FINALLY took her first steps this past week! First at Lisa's house on Thursday, then at my mom and dad's house on Saturday, and finally in front of me the same day and Russell on Sunday. It doesn't count until your mom sees it, but I'm glad she's finally walking as the pediatrician was throwing around words like "physical therapy". She's also talking up a storm, favorite words being daddy, car, dog, sassy, and "whoa...." Notice what is missing from that list, the little rat! Ignores me entirely, unless she wants something. Then it's all "MAAAAAMAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Sassy indeed.

A year in the life

2015-04-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it! We kept a baby alive for ONE ENTIRE YEAR.

I'm surprised too.

So, in planning Claire's 1st birthday party, I turned to Pinterest and searched for "birthday 1 year old". And do you know, articles popped up like "The Ultimate List of Gifts for Your 1 Year Old!!!!!!!!
and "What every one year old little girl is dying to get for her first birthday!!!!"

First of all, my 1 year old doesn't even understand the concept of "getting" unless it's "get that puff in my mouth". So, I guess add puffs to the top of her "ULTIMATE BEST EVER BIRTHDAY LIST".

Also add cat hair because she LOVES that stuff. Actually, that shouldn't go on the list because we are stocked up. So, scratch the cat hair, but leave in things like empty boxes and my phone. Also strangers dirty car keys (whattup, dude in the grocery store! Thanks SO MUCH for handing my infant your filthy keys. You know what babies like. You should write Pinterest articles!)

Sidenote: do you know how many presents were on that "ULTIMATE EXTREME TO THE MAXXXX BEST BIRTHDAY GIFTS FOR A 1 YEAR OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!" list? 26. Twenty flipping six. Um, for Christmas, we got Claire 1 toy and a stuffed reindeer. The toy was a xylophone in a stand that you drop balls through to hit the keys. She chews on the wooden balls, ignores the rest of it. For Easter, we got her a headband with bunny ears on it from the Target Dollar Spot. Her birthday party is in a few days and I have no idea what I'll get her. Good thing she doesn't care and has no idea what's happening! :)

Baby stats:

How old is Claire?: 1. As in, 1 YEAR OLD. 52 weeks. I have no words for this except how?? and when? And where did that teensy baby go???

How Claire is eating: Oh, the eating. Claire LOVES to eat. Big shock. We're a bit behind on the whole "solid foods" thing, but who cares? It's not like she's going to go to kindergarten eating pureed bananas. Also, until this last tooth popped in, solids have made me nervous. Everyone who has had kids is like "give her a slab of beef jerky!" and I'm all "SHE HAS 2 TEETH!"

Prunes were a bad choice

How Claire is sleeping: Pretty well. Daylight savings time meant we got to bump her bedtime from 5:30 pm to more like 6:30 pm, which actually makes a huge difference. Now we can make it home from work and actually DO something as a family instead of just get ready for bed. She still sleeps through the night, although there have been a lot of 5:30 wake up calls lately.

Up and ready for action

How much weight I've lost: Guys. GUYS. I have good news and bad news. The good news is I am back to my pre-baby weight!! The bad news is, everything seems to have shifted around and most of my old clothes still don't fit. WHAT THE HECK. This is so confusing to me because I feel like if my waist got bigger, yet I still weigh the same amount, something had to have shrunk, right? But I can't figure out what that is. Maybe my earlobes? My pinky fingers? Ooh, or maybe pregnancy made me taller? Is that a thing? Either way, I'm still "dieting" (I put that in quotation marks because my version of "dieting" is not eating the entire pizza - just half. BOOM, DIETED.)

This is actually me now. Jk, it's Beyonce.

How Russell's doing: I always feel obliged to update you with some kind of major Russell news, but....there's just not much going on. He ordered new grill plates! That's something, right? Ummm.....OOH, he switched to a new brand of razor blade! He'd been using the same razor since high school! So, that happened. Otherwise, pretty much the same.

Still a daddy's girl!

"I like big butts and I cannot lie"

Milestones this month: Claire can stand with help and take some tentative steps, again with help. She is still babbling and "singing" all the time and can say "mama" and "dada", indescriminately. She can give kisses, although she's stingy with 'em. Her favorite toys are her books, especially "Brown Bear, Brown Bear". She loves to "play" the piano with either of us. She loves being sung to, particularly "Dancing Bear", "Itsy Bitsy Spider", and "Baby Got Back." Jk, just checking to see if you were still reading.

Parenthood

2014-12-20T15:25:00.003-08:00

Again, my apologies for being so awful about updating. I may as well start each blog entry with that same apology, because I just don't see it getting any better :)

So, Claire is 8 months old and I was thinking the other day about the difference 8 months has made. In the first couple months, we were so clueless. Completely dependent on baby books, friends who have babies, and google. One time, I literally googled "What to do with a newborn all day".

Now, I'm not saying we're pros or anything, but it really is amazing that after just a few months, you kinda figure out what to do with this tiny human. Even though I just said to Russell, "Um, are we supposed to brush her teeth??", overall, I feel like we're doing pretty well. ( Sidenote: are we supposed to brush those 2 tiny teeth? )

It also doesn't hurt that Claire is a pretty easy baby. She eats anything you give her and loves the bottle (more than the boob, little tear). She goes to sleep around 5:45 each night and sleeps all the way until 6:30 the next morning. She'll sit (or rather, roll around the living room) and occupy herself for quite awhile. She's really happy most of the time.

I was also thinking about all the ways having a baby changes your marriage. Like today, Russell and I are standing in the living room in front of Claire, who is in her exersaucer. Some craptastic baby song is playing in the background and we are BOTH dancing for her. Like.....DANCING. And Russell says, "So, this is a thing we do now." Yup. This is a thing we do now. Lemme tell you - when you're holding hands under the bar with the cute guy who works in the next classroom, you don't picture someday dancing to "Where to Hide My Shushy-Byes" in your living room. :)

Baby stats:

How old is Claire?: 35 weeks

How Claire is eating: She eats all the things. She might make a face at the first couple bites, but by the time the cup is empty, she's yelling for more. So far we've had rice cereal, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, carrots, applesauce, and bananas.

How Claire is sleeping: Like a BOSS. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

How much weight I've lost: Well......here's the thing. First I went back to work. Then, Halloween happened. Then, Thanksgiving happened. Now, Christmas is happening. So I'm still stuck at 43/48 pounds lost. I started plotting my weight on a piece of graph paper in our bathroom. I drew a line from what I weigh now to my goal. The little dots that represent my weight are currently not going in the same direction as that line. I blame math.

This was mid-sneeze :)

How Russell's doing: Russell is doing great! First of all, if you haven't seen him, he's a very skinny fella now. For Christmas, he's asking Santa for pants that fit. We both ran (well, he ran. I "ran") a 5K on Thanksgiving and he achieved a personal best.

Milestones this month: Claire sits up without any assistance, even in the bathtub (although we don't leave her there, of course). She babbles and screams ALL the time, although no words yet. Her favorite toys are her little blue piano, a squeaky elephant she chews on, and a rattle my Aunt Susan gave her. She was baptized at our church, Powell Presbyterian, and she didn't scream at all when she got sprinkled. Success!!

Workin' 9 to 5

2014-11-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

...or more like 8 to 4. Or if we're being honest, 8:06 to 4. Punctuality, before 9 am, is not my thing.

So, first of all, I realize that it's been nearly 2 months since I updated. So sorry. It's Russell's fault - he made me go back to work. Well, him plus the threat of having to live under the bridge if I refused to go back.

I'm actually incredibly lucky to have had 6 months of maternity leave. I took all of my sick days and then a few months of unpaid leave, but it was worth it to be home with this all day:

There was a lot of this:

And a lot of this:

Plenty of this:


This face is the one that will get her a pony someday

which was usually followed by this:

We hung out with our favorite people:

And our favorite guy:

Some days were really hard, but most were full of this:

I'm glad to be back to work: I don't think I'm cut out for being a stay-at-home mom forever. But I sure do miss that baby all day!

Baby stats:

How old is Claire?: 29 weeks. Next Monday, 30 weeks. How does that happen so fast???

How Claire is eating: Well, we introduced solid foods starting with rice cereal, then sweet potatoes, then peas. She was a big fan of rice cereal and sweet potatoes. Peas, not as much, but she won't turn them down!

How Claire is sleeping: Claire is sleeping so well, I'm afraid to type these words because I don't want to jinx it. She goes to sleep most nights with very little crying around 6:30 pm and sleeps straight through til 6:30 AM. It's amazing.

How much weight I've lost: 43 pounds, out of the 48 I gained during pregnancy. I am soooooo stuck with 5 pounds to go. Going back to work isn't helping, nor is daylight savings time. It sucks to work all day, come home, play with the baby for a couple hours, put her to bed, and then head out, in the dark, to the gym. Blah. Maybe if I whine about it more, the pounds will melt off?? Sigh.

How Russell's doing: PRAISE JESUS, BAND SEASON IS OVER. This is a blessing for all of us. Besides having the sinus infection from hell, Russell's doing fine!

Milestones this week: How about milestones this month, since I never update :) Claire can sit up on her own now, although she'll fall over eventually, so we can't wander far. She loves to hold her own bottle and blow raspberries. I think she recognizes the words "daddy", "mama", and "Bijou", who is the love of her life. She doesn't care much for the swing anymore and barely fits in her "shaky seat". She can sit in her high chair for solid foods. Basically, we're applying for colleges next week.

Grevious offenses in children's programming

2014-09-07T19:23:00.001-07:00

Before I had a baby, I swore up and down that my future children would not watch a ton of TV. I was downright judgemental about it. Couldn't believe there's actually an entire channel dedicated to BABIES. I mean, really, who puts their infant in front of the TV? Is staying at home really that hard that you have to rely on an animated rabbit to get through the day?

Um, YES. YES IT IS THAT HARD AND HE HAS A NAME. Harry. Harry the bunny. Don't talk trash on him, he's the reason I get to shower every day.

I love you, Harry the Bunny.

Suffice it to say, Claire watches a little TV every day. I know. Go ahead and scratch my name off the “Mother of the Year” ballot. I'll live. But don't think I'm not suffering here – yes, I'm getting a shower, but I'm also being subjected to TV that is geared to someone who poops their pants. Here are a few “highlights” of the BabyFirst channel -

First up we have Larry, the toucan. He teachers vocabulary. Get it? VocabuLARRY? Yeah. That part's not that bad. It's Larry's personality that's enough to push you over the edge. This entire show consists of unseen children introducing Larry to a new word and then Larry bouncing all over the screen, screaming the word like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving.

Off-screen children: “Look, Larry! A Shirt! Look at the shirt!”

Larry: “SHHHHIIIRRRRRTT!!! SSHHHHIRRRRRRRTT!!!!” X 10000

Children: “Look, Larry: many shirts!”

Larry: “MANNNNNNYY SHHHIIRRRRTTSSSS!!!! MANNNNNYYY SSHHHIIIRRRTTSS!!!” X 10000

Fortunately, this show's only about 3 minutes long. Unfortunately, they run it over and over again, all day long.

Next we have a show called “Tillie and Knock-Knock”. It's basically a lesson in how to get kidnapped. Tillie, who is a duck, hears someone knocking at her door. Without seeing who it is, she makes an educated guess (“Who could be at the door?” Person at door: “Moooooo” Tillie: “It sounds like a cow”). Then here's where it turns bad. Instead of, say, looking through a peephole, Tillie just goes ahead and flings the door open. Someday, some duck pedophile is gonna catch wind of this idiot and go a-knockin', masquerading as a horse or something, and the show's going to be renamed “Tillie and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder”.

And lastly, the “Notekins”. Overall, a good show. It's this group of 8 little people who teach basic music concepts: high, low, fast, slow, you get it. Each episode, they visit someone new: Mr. Banjo, Mrs. Cello, etc. I'm on board with all of that. It's their outfit that bothers me. See if you can figure out why:

Okay, if you're not an anal-retentive musician, this wouldn't bug you. It's their hats. See that “note” on the hat? Yeah, that's not a note. It's like a half note and an eighth note mushed together. Now, I realize that Claire isn't going to remember most of this, but the music teacher in me wants to chat with their music consultant. :)

All drunk toucans, stupid ducks, and incorrect music notation aside, I owe the BabyFirst channel a debt of gratitude. Thank you, BabyFirst, for lulling my child into a zombie-like state for half an hour so that I may shower, get dressed, and maybe even put on a little make up before she starts screaming again.

This week in Babytown

How old is Claire?: 21 weeks tomorrow! I can't believe she's 5 months old. On one hand, it feels like she's been with us forever. On the other hand, it's flying by!

Ugh, that fat roll above her knee is my FAVE

How Claire is eating: Like a champ, as usual. She's starting to take interest in what Russell and I are eating, so even though we're a month away from starting solids, I have a feeling she's going to be a big fan.

How Claire is sleeping: Well this is a whole different blog. Here's the short version: around 4 months, babies do this cool thing called “sleep regression”. It has to do with their sleep patterns changing and REM sleep vs. Non-REM sleep and blah blah blah. What matters is she stopped sleeping through the night at around 15 weeks. Back to “up every 2 hours”. With Russell back at work, this made me near homicidal. So, around 19 weeks, in an act of desperation, we decided to do the unthinkable: we let her “cry it out”. You may have heard it called “Ferberizing”. It gets a really bad rap. Basically, we go through her bedtime routine and then lay her down, drowsy but not asleep, and let her cry until she falls asleep on her own. We go in and check on her periodically. The first night, I tried it on my own because Russell “Go the F to sleep” McCurdy has a heart of coal and doesn't mind hearing an infant cry. Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I was feeling uneasy about the whole thing and wanted to try it on my own terms. So, I waited until he was at a Friday night football game, and I gave it a whirl. She cried for 3 minutes. I checked on her: patted her stomach, sang her a song. She calmed down and I left. She cried for 5 more minutes. Checked on her again. Cried for 8 more minutes and.....ASLEEP. WHOA. I deemed this a miracle from Jesus. To my surprise, she has put herself to sleep with very little crying (like, 20 minutes TOPS, interspersed with check-ins) every night since then. AND as an added bonus, she's starting sleeping through the night again. It's pretty much a miracle.

How much weight I've lost: A whopping 41 pounds, baby! I'm 7 pounds from my pre-baby weight and I better hustle because I've got 5 more weeks til I go back to work and none of my work pants fit currently... I doubt the students want to see me in running shorts and a t shirt, which is what I wear nearly every day.

this is why I hate selfies: GIANT HAND.

How Russell's doing: He's doing pretty well. His return to work has been a hard transition for all of us– fall is an especially busy season for marching band directors, so he's struggling to balance us with work. But on the plus side, he and Claire got to share their first UT game!

This is my parents fault.

See? Much happier in orange and white!

Milestones this week: Well, Claire rolled from tummy to back at 4 months exactly. I think she did it solely to avoid tummy time, which she hates. She loves to play with her rattle and her soft blocks, both of which can fit in her mouth (the ultimate goal for any toy). She enjoys being read to, especially "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". She's weaned completely off the swaddle, which made me a little sad. Her hair keeps getting redder and her eyes are still blue. She's stopped screaming constantly in the car, which is awesome. And she's starting making that high pitched, girl squeal that all little girls make. Right now, it's adorable! Ask me again in a few months!

The Rainbow Connection

2014-08-21T13:01:00.001-07:00

So, as you may remember, we are cloth diapering. Actually, we do kind of a mix between cloth and disposables for a couple reasons – 1^st, we got a ton of disposables at baby showers. And 2^nd, we only had about 8 cloth diapers that fit her right now, which means a load of laundry every day and sometimes that just doesn't happen.

I decided we needed a few more diapers so that I wouldn't be tied to the washer every day. The ones we LOVE are called “Blueberries” - they're actually made in Knoxville and they're wonderful. But they're, like, $25 a diaper, and mama's on unpaid maternity leave. So, I found a much cheaper option called Alva diapers- $5.00 each. The only hitch: they're made in, like, South Vietnam. So it was going to take 3-5 weeks to get here. I decided I was okay with it.

I ordered the diapers on July 13^th. On July 19^th, I got a shipping confirmation. “Sweet!”, I thought. “Diapers by early August!” Um, no. On July 25^th, I get this email:

Hi,

We are so sorry to tell you that we have not sent you order,because now that the A6 and M13 are out of stock in your order, could you please change them to others instead? You can just tell us 2 replacements here. After you changed. We will send your order out. Thanks a lot,have a nice day.

-Your faithfully, Rainbow.

Errrr......Rainbow? Interesting name. I picture a girl named “Rainbow” like this:

Obviously, Rainbow's on the left, wearing a rabbits face for a hat.

So, I'm pretty irritated by this, but I respond with a few alternate diaper selections for “Rainbow”. Here's what I got back:

Ok. Thanks. We will send out today. You can get it after 3-4 weeks, pls kindly wait. :)

-Your faithfully, Rainbow.

Pls kindly wait my ass. I felt like this deserved, at least, some faster shipping. I replied:

Rainbow,

It would be great if you could express mail it, especially since my order has already been delayed by no fault if my own.
-Becca McCurdy

To which “Rainbow” wrote back:

Hi,

We are cuz your order is under 49 usd, so we can just ship it by normal airmail. Maybe if you can order 40usd, we will also send for you by Express in order to make up our delays. Is ok?

-Your faithfully, Rainbow

Um, nope. Is not "ok". I don't really want to order 40 more dollars in diapers from you so you can justify Express mailing my, already hella late, package. I replied:

Rainbow,

I understand that, but since your company messed my order up, I feel like you could make amends by shipping it faster.
-Becca M

To which Rainbow replied:

Hi,

We are sorry we have no right to do that. Also we did not mess your order up just because of our short time trip from June 13 to June 7 and the out of stock items, so hope can get your great understanding. Thanks.

Okay, lemme get this straight: it's not your fault my diapers are late because of....time travel? That's the most I can get out of this email. Also, notice that this one wasn't signed “Your faithfully, Rainbow”. I think I made Rainbow mad. :) But Rainbow made me mad! So, I unloaded on him/her (what gender is a “Rainbow”?) Well, as much as I unload on anybody:

Oh, Rainbow, but you DID mess my order up! I ordered on June 13th. On June 19th, I was sent an email saying my order had SHIPPED. Then, on June 25th, I received the email saying it had NOT shipped AND my items were out of stock. That's called "messing up my order".

It would make good business sense to provide me with either some kind of refund or faster shipping, since it was NOT MY FAULT that my order is now super late. It would make me a happy customer who would give other moms a good review of your business. But instead, I'll be telling other mother's this: Alva Baby is hard to work with, lies about shipping, blames the customer, and is unwilling to make up for mistakes.

-Becca McCurdy

BOOM. Suck on that, Rainbow! Here's her/his response:

Dear friend,

We are sorry for the delays. We do really know your feeling now. But after our trip, only past 2 days, our weekend was coming. So we back to work on June 23th. You know, after several days, there are lots of order need to be processed, pls also stand by us and understand us. But even so, we also thought we have fault cuz our workmates a little bit less in this situation. We must do something to make up. But now your package has been sent out by normal airmail, it is on the way to get to you. So how about sending you a gift or give you a discount when you order next time? Is it ok? Thanks.

“We really do know your feeling now” LOL

I don't know what the hell Rainbow is talking about with trips and weekends and time travel, but I know what he/she means by “gift”! :) I replied:

Rainbow,

Thank you. That was the response I'd been waiting to hear from you.

I would love a gift to make up for the error! I assume you have my address?

Thank you,
Rebecca

To which Rainbow replied:

Thanks. So kindly of you. But is it possible to send you a gift together with your new order? Your faithfully, Rainbow

HA! Rainbow, you jackass. I'm not ordering more diapers from you! You crazy. I wrote:

Rainbow,

Well, I don't have a new order, since I just placed my first order and haven't received it yet. So, you can go ahead and send the gift. Thanks!
-Rebecca

To which I got:
Hi,

Pls kindly keep waiting for your package. One of our workmates will go to America on July 19, I will ask her send the gift by USPS for you after you got your package.Is ok? Thanks. Your faithfully, Rainbow.

LOVE that Rainbow is going to make one of her/his “workmates” carry my “sorry we effed up your diaper” present all the way to the US just to save on shipping. Rainbow's a man/woman after my own cheap ass heart.

Eventually, my Alva diapers arrive. They're cute and work just fine, despite Russell's constant jokes about them being made by a 5 year old in a sweatshop. I say, that 5 year old does a damn fine job.

After this last exchange, Rainbow and I went back and forth for awhile: “Did you receive the gift?” “No I did not” “Please let us know when you receive the package” “I have not received the package.” Finally, Rainbow replies that he/she will send it again. Sigh. By the time I receive the diapers, Claire will be potty trained. He/she also tries to get me to buy MORE diapers which he/she will include with my gift. I pass. :) It's now August 21^st and I'd pretty well given up on getting my gift, but as it turns out, Rainbow had the last word.

We are trying to wean Claire off the swaddle when she naps and she's really fighting it, so naptime (and nighttime) have become pretty rough. Today, after an hour and 40 minutes of nursing, she FINALLY went down for a nap. I tiptoe out of the room to change into real clothing (It's 2 in the afternoon). Right when I've stripped down, the doorbell rings. Sidenote: if you haven't heard our doorbell, check out this post with a video. It's pretty cool, but also super loud. Anyhow, Bijou loses her mind, runs downstairs barking her face off. I throw on clothing and run after her, as the nursery is directly below the front door, where she is having a complete fit. It's the mailman. I throw open the door, shushing Bijou frantically. He needs me to sign for a package. It's from China.

Rainbow....

As I walk inside with my free diapers, I can hear Claire start crying. And I can almost hear Rainbow start laughing, all the way from China.

A Very Lovely Life

2014-08-09T10:32:00.004-07:00

This past week, I had a pretty cool experience. You may not know this, but I have an Etsy shop where I sell vintage - specifically vintage linens. I actually reserved the shop name back in 2009, but didn't actually start selling until late 2011. When I started, my focus was vintage kitchenware, like Pyrex. But pretty soon, I started to become interested in old sheets. I just love the patterns and colors on vintage sheets, plus I love that "worn in" feeling. And when you ship sheets, there's no chance they'll arrive broken because the USPS guy kicked them over a fence. :)

My favorite way to use vintage sheets is in what I call a "remixed" set - it's really hard to find a complete vintage set with no missing pieces, so I take the "orphans" and put them together to create a set where each piece coordinates with each other, but doesn't necessarily match. I love seeing the different patterns together - I think it gives the set the feeling that it was collected over time.

So, a few months ago, I was approached on Etsy by Jann Jones, the craft editor for the magazine "Mollie Makes": a UK magazine that has recently come to the US. She told me that the magazine would like to feature my vintage remixed sheet sets in their upcoming September issue and asked if I'd send her a picture. Um.....yeah? I sent the picture on, but honestly didn't think much of it and assumed I'd never see it actually happen.

Last week, I'm in Target, and I see "Mollie Makes" in the periodical section. I flipped through it and, lo and behold, there I am! Page 40! Not gonna lie, there was a lot of shrieking and I think I scared some Target customers. I know it's not the front page of Better Homes and Gardens or anything, but it was pretty dang exciting!

that's meeeeee!!

It's weird to have your guest bed pictured in a national magazine.

Anyhow, it will be fun to see if this goes anywhere! I've seen an increase in "views", meaning more people are looking at my shop. My sales have stayed pretty much the same, so I guess I won't be quitting my teaching job to run the sheet biz. :) But hey, if you're cleaning out Grandma's closet and you come across her sheets, hit me up! I'll gladly buy them from ya!

Here's your sign

2014-08-04T14:24:00.001-07:00

So, last week, I celebrated my birthday. I'm 34. I have a friend who has “stuck” at 29 – she refuses to turn 30. Every year, she just says “I'm turning 29 again”. I think this year will be her 5^h time as a 29 year old. Not me, man. Personally, I like my 30's. Your 20's are, frankly, kinda rough! You have to graduate from college and figure out what the heck you're going to do for money. You have to figure out health insurance and whether or not you're a dependent anymore. You're probably dating, which means blind dates and first dates and, worst of all, being set up with some dude who works with a friend of your moms friend's cousin and starts the date by telling you his frat brothers nick-named him “The Donkey” because of the size of his, um, manhood. TRUE STORY, FOLKS.

So, all in all, I like my 30's! However, I'm starting to feel less like a teenager and more like a mom. Yikes.

Signs you're getting older:

1. You are excited when a new store opens, only to find that you are too old to shop there. I'm looking at you, Urban Outfitters. We recently got one in Knoxville and the first time I went in, I was like, “Oh. This place is for teenagers.” It may as well have been a Gymboree - nothing in there was for my age group.

Perfect first day of school outfit, right? Maybe when I was a 6^th grader back in 1990.

Not you, Forever 21. I don't care how old I am, cheap sunglasses are my spirit animal.

2. The people in charge of your kids seem like kids themselves. My friend (actually, the same friend who is still 29) recently dropped her kids off at day camp. She filled out the medical form and asked the teenager working the desk where to hand it in, to which the teen replied that she could give it to the nurse. My friend looked around and, seeing no nurse, asked again for clarification. The teenager then pointed to the girl sitting right next to her, who, according to my friend, looked about 13, and said “This is the nurse!”. Yikes.

3. Cute college boys now look at you like you're their mother. The other night, we were walking by the river and passed a group of young guys. One of them approached us and asked if we could take their picture. Right as I'm agreeing to it, a girl their age runs by, and no joke, the kid could not abandon me fast enough. Funny thing is, I totally thought all these kids were in about 9^th grade, but Russell pointed out to me that they're probably college freshmen at orientation. Oh my lord.

4. Everyone calls me “ma'am”. The waiter. Guy who sprays our house for bugs. The Starbucks guy. It's unsettling when I'm all “wassup, bro” (on the inside. I don't actually say that out loud) and he's all “Ma'am, you can't park your power scooter here. Can I help you with your walker, ma'am?”

5. We had some big storms the other night and my knee throbbed so much, it woke me up. I've become one of those people that says things like, “Must be fixin' to rain, 'cause my knee's been singin' all day!" Yuck.

6. When we first got married, Russell and I talked about stuff like what's for dinner or what's happening on LOST tonight or how much it would cost to put a pool in the attic. Now, we talk about 529s and 401ks and making a will and saving for college. Remind me why 9 year old me thought growing up was cool?

The scariest part of all of this is not the act of aging. It's the realization that we are the grown ups. Us. I still laugh at fart jokes. And carry cherry chapstick instead of lip stick. I'd rather re-read Harry Potter for the 12^th time than watch a documentary. If no one was watching, I could go without eating my vegetables for days. The other day, I bought grape flavored Big League Chew (which, incidentally, I do NOT feel bad about because, duh, it's amazing.)

Yeah, I play in the big leagues.

But at the same time, I'm almost old enough to run for President. PRESIDENT. By my age, Michaelangelo had completed the Sistine Chapel. Edison had invented the phonograph. And I still don't know how to curl the hair on the back of my head. Sigh.

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 16 weeks! I can't believe it!

How Claire is eating: Pretty well. She went on a bit of a “breastfeeding strike”, the little union worker, but she got over it in about 24 hours.

How Claire is sleeping: Oh, not at all! So, here's a little gem they don't tell you when you're picking out sweet baby blankets and dreaming of nursery paint colors: your baby's a little jerk. Seriously. They'll fool you by sleeping through the night and then, just when you're starting to feel a little human, BAM. Asleep at 8. Up at 11. Back to sleep at 11:30. Up at 1. Down at 2. Up at 6, for the DAY. Naps? Psh, naps are for CHUMPS now.

"Mother, really. This again?"

How much Claire weighs: Around 12 pounds.

How much weight I've lost: Do you know the sad part about this statistic? I have to do the math every. Single. Time. With a calculator. THAT'S HOW BAD I AM AT MATH. Anyhow, I've lost 38 pounds. 10 to go!

How Russell's doing: Well, Russell is back at work full time, which is an adjustment for all of us, but so far it's going well. Claire is such a daddy's girl, so she's super excited when he gets home every day, which is precious.

Milestones this week: Claire had her first big laughs this week. :) She's made laughing sounds before, but never in response to something funny. This week, we had genuine laughter. ADORABLE. I'm working on uploading a video, but that requires patience and some kind of internet magic I don't possess.

All Apologies

2014-07-15T12:43:00.001-07:00

What's the phrase that ends " ________________ is never having to say you're sorry"? I'm pretty sure it's not "parenting". "Parenting" means having to say you're sorry to everyone: friends, family, strangers. Well, you don't HAVE to say you're sorry, but when you've inadvertently flashed a boob at a crowd of homeschooling nuns (okay, that didn't happen) or walked into the men's bathroom (that did...) , maybe you should. Here's the short list of people I owe an apology to...

Everyone who has emailed, texted, facebook messaged, carrier pigeoned me in the last 3 months that I have not responded to. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. Most likely, I read your message on my phone at 4 AM and promptly forgot about it. Was it important? If so, send it again, okay? I'll try to read it when I'm more awake, so.....roughly 18 years from now.

To the guy in the Earthfare bathroom who I totally walked in on whilst trying to tell my husband that there is no extra outfit in the diaper bag and he's just going to have to change her diaper, take her outfit off (now covered in poop), and carry her out naked: my apologies. You probably thought you had the place to yourself and then in burst 2 irritated gingers: one frustrated and one screaming, covered in feces. (I'll let you, the reader, work out which was Russell). Anyhow, dude, I'm super sorry. I don't make it a habit to walk into the public men's bathroom.
To the usher at the wedding last weekend, who I basically verbally assaulted so he'd get out of my way as I tried to hustle my baby to a window to distract her so she wouldn't completely lose her cool all over someone's wedding: so sorry. I know it was your job to stop people from going back there. But trust me, unless you wanted to see the complete shit show that is my baby when she's hungry, it was best that I get to the window pronto to appease her. Also, I'm sorry for the eye-rolling when you yelled after me “Well, don't go in any of those rooms!!” Trust me, unless those rooms contained a bouncy seat and Baby Einstein on a loop, I wasn't going in them.

To everyone who's tried to have meaningful conversation with me and gotten nothing in return: I'm so sorry. I have nothing to give. By the end of most days, the most exciting thing that's happened to me is either Claire's bowel movements or something to do with Real Housewives. Someday, I really hope to come back to the real world and have adult conversation.

5. To everyone who has run into me in public: first off, I hope I said hello, at the very least. I am so rarely alone these days that when I am, I find myself in some kind of parenting-induced trance, wandering the aisles of Target. So, I apologize if I didn't see you or looked right at you with no hint of recognition on my face. I also apologize if you tried to talk to me and I could barely form a sentence. See #4.

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 13 weeks

13 weeks of sass

How Claire is eating: Just fine! We continue to do a combination of 80% breast milk, 18% formula, 2% bourbon. Just kidding! 3% bourbon.

"Knob Creek, Single Barrel please. On the rocks."

How Claire is sleeping: The bourbon has really helped with the sleeping! JUST KIDDING. Sheesh. But really, Claire sleeps pretty darn well – usually a good long stretch from about 10 pm til 4 am and then another short stretch from 5 am til 7 or 8.

Update on the harness: We are DONE with the harness!!! Praise the Lord, we are done. Claire had a check up with her orthopedist and he pronounced her “good as gold”. We'll go back in 6 months for x-rays, but NO MORE HARNESS. As much as I want to burn it (and I reeeeaaalllly want to burn it), I'm going to wash it and put it away, because I'm sure it will be one of those “Oh I can't believe you were this tiny!” things. In about 20 years.

How much Claire weighs: Not sure, but we're guessing between 11 and 12 pounds.

This is probably my 2nd selfie ever.

How much weight I've lost: After a few weeks of stalemate, my scale finally moved this week – I'm now down 37 pounds. 12 to go (to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight). I got some nasty motivation the other day at Target – I decided I had to purchase shorts, no matter the size, or I would cook in this hot Tennessee summer. I won't tell you the size I had to purchase, but let's just say it's a size that's never been on my body. Ouch. Also, nothing like a 3 way mirror to smack that Hershey's bar out of your pudgy little hands.

How Russell's doing: Russell started band camp this week (all my northern relatives who go back to school after Labor Day are shocked and appalled by this), so he's pretty tired. I also gave him an early birthday present: a jogging stroller. Russell's become quite the runner, so we're both excited that he'll be able to take Claire along for the fun. :)

Milestones this week: Claire is starting to be interested in some toys - she doesn't reach out and grab them, but if I put one in her hand, she'll play with it a bit. Well, she'll try to stuff it in her mouth. That counts as playing, right? We've been trying to do more "tummy time" (ugh, what an obnoxious phrase), but she HATES it. Maybe because it's called "tummy time".

"Tummy time's the worst."

What's a pirate's favorite life saving technique?

2014-06-19T09:00:00.001-07:00

C.P. ARRRRRR, of course! :)

sorry.

So, it's official: I'm that girl. The one who has a baby and then all she can talk about is her baby and every picture on her phone is of that baby and baby baby baby.

I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not even gonna lie to you: before I had one of my own, I was a little judgey about “that girl”. I was all, “how sad that she has nothing else in her life to talk about” and “if I end up like that, please punch me in the face a little.”

Well, I'm due for a face punching. It's just that I have no life. I'm not working. It's summer so the pace of life is pretty slow. And I have an 10 pound weight that keeps me pretty well tied down to the house. When I do leave the house, it's usually to go hang out with other people who have babies. Guess what we talk about. :)

The other day, Russell and I left Claire with my parents for the first time so we could attend an infant CPR class. In hindsight, NOT our best choice. We walk in the room and see another couple sitting at some long tables that are covered in these:

Um, I know why it's not breathing....it's face is covered in plastic wrap. Class dismissed!

BTW, I tried super hard to take a selfie with my dead baby look alike, but turns out there is not an appropriate time to do that during your Infant CPR class. At least not without looking like a total weirdo.

So then, we start watching the video in which the first scene is a baby who stops breathing in her crib. Russell and I just looked at each other like, “this was a baaaaaad idea”. The next scene: a baby choking. And from there on, who knows, because all I could do was obsessively check my phone and freak out over how my baby was home alone with people who hadn't watched a baby in 30 YEARS.

What I learned: infants are bad at CPR.

It all worked out fine and we did end up learning Infant CPR and the Heimlich. Just in case you're a little rusty, let me give you a quick CPR review:

Step One: “Check the area to make sure everything is safe.” Russell and I didn't quite get this step. On the video, the lady just looked to the right and the left. But I guess you're supposed to glance around to make sure the buffalo are done stampeding or there are no tsunamis on the horizon.

Step Two: “Try to get the baby to react.” In the class, we did this by tapping the baby's foot and yelling “BABY! BABY!” Awkward. In real life, you can just shout the baby's name. Or whatever else gets your baby to react – political injustice, the death penalty, the war on women, whatever. #yesallbabies

Step Three: “Begin chest compressions.” Using two fingers, right below the nipple line (which is super hard to find on your dead baby look alike, fyi), press down 30 times into the baby's chest about an inch and a half. Our instructor recommended we compress to the beat of Michael Jackson's “Stayin' Alive”. Yup. You read that right. Also, you've got to really dig in there. Don't be shy about those compressions. You're gonna feel like you're breaking baby's ribs, but guess what's worse than broken ribs? Being dead. #toughlove

Step Four: Put your mouth over baby's nose and mouth and give 3 breaths. You're going to feel (and look) like you're eating baby's face. Roll with it. When I was doing this part in class, the teacher walked by and said “Oh, you're doing so good. You're a natural!” Super. I'm a natural at fitting your baby's head in my mouth. #partytricks #hashtagsarestupid

Step Five: Repeat this process 5 times and then call 911. In class, we had to show this by picking baby up and announcing to the room “Now I will call 911!”, which made me giggle inappropriately every time. Just so you know, if this were to ever happen to me, I'd totally be calling 911 FIRST, not last. What can I say, I'm a rule breaker.

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 9 weeks

How Claire is eating: Here's a nasty effect of adding formula to your baby's diet: constipation. Now, it's not really constipation as she's still doing the deed; she's just doing it less often and when it happens, watch out. POOPMAGEDDON. That crap (literally) is everywhere. We also switched almost totally to cloth diapers this week, which we love, except when I have to put the POOPMAGEDDON into my washer. Ew.

This. Right here. Is my. Poopface.

How Claire is sleeping: Um, like a boss!! Claire is finally sleeping for a good long stretch at night – about 10 pm til 4 or 5 am. Not every night, but most, which sure makes a difference in my mood! :)

Update on the harness: Starting this week, we'll go to our final step with the harness: wearing it 6 hours a day. Basically, during her long stretch of sleep. 3 more weeks of that and then DONE!

How much Claire weighs:10lbs, 13 oz

10 lbs 13 oz of cuteness

How much weight I've lost: Oh this stupid stat and my need for full disclosure. Sigh. Well, I did lose 1 more pound this week, which is good. You know what sucks about weight loss? Well, everything, but what I was referencing was how dang slow it goes. I'm all “I had a banana for breakfast and ran .0002 of a mile. Pretty sure I should be skinny now.” Too bad that's not how it works, right?

How Russell's doing: Russell celebrated his first Father's Day last Sunday with lunch out, some new Keens, and one of those fancy water hoses that they show on infommercials. Basically the trifecta of good Father's Day presents.

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me"

Milestones this week: I read Claire's first book to her: “Pat the Bunny”. She cried at the end, presumably because she's a huge advocate for animal rights. Or, because she was hungry. Whatever.

This week, in reality and reality TV

2014-06-10T09:07:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been a big week at 'ole McCurdy Manor, because (drum roll please)......

WE GOT THE HOPPER.

Or is it the rabbit? The ninja? Shoot, I can't remember now. It's the fancy cable where I can record like 5 shows at once AND watch stuff on the DVR in our bedroom. Formerly, we could only watch DVR shows in the living room.

It's a pretty big deal folks.

This means a few things.

Russell and I will basically never see each other again, except to pass the baby off.

I'm at a place in my life where I really feel like I finally have room to open myself up to new people. By people I mean housewives. And by housewives, I mean real ones. Of New York City to be specific, 'cause of course I already watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I mean, the DVR now records 5 SHOWS AT ONE TIME. I'd be a fool not to!

See, I have HORRIBLE taste in TV. And this whole “stay at home mom” thing is not helping. The TV is on pretty much all day and since I'm breastfeeding, I spend a lot of time sitting in front of it. So, just in case you don't have the Rabbit Ninja, let me catch you up on what you've missed in reality. Reality TV that is.

The Dugger's have 19 kids. They had 20, but the last one died and it was possibly the worst thing you can watch when you have a 2 week old baby, so watch out for that. 2 of their older girls are in “courtships” which is their word for dating. It means they get to go on dates, but only with a chaperone. Oh, and only side hugs are allowed in courtship. All that crazy aside, I kind of love the Duggers and all 19 of their herd. Sidenote- if there was a 19 Kids and Counting drinking game, it would be this: drink everytime a Dugger says “special”. As in, “It was just really special when I got to see my boyfriend and give him a side hug, all while my sister watched."
Tori Spelling got cheated on by her husband and then filmed, like, 3 solid weeks of them fighting. It is an absolute train wreck and I didn't miss a single episode, even the “reunion” where said husband (Something McDermott? He's famous....for something...) showed his love for Tori by tattooing their wedding vows on his ribcage. Oh, and singing a pretty awful song. #TELEVISIONGOLD
As I mentioned above, I currently watch the Real Housewives of Orange County. There used to be 5ish of them: 4 idiots and 1 intelligent woman. I felt super bad for the smart girl, except not really, 'cause she gets paid to hang out with the idiots. Now, they fired a couple idiots, and added another smart girl, so the first smart girl has a friend she can talk to using words with more than 3 syllables. I believe the last episode involved a chick paying her dentist to put magic crystals in her teeth, you know, for feng shui. I can't make this shit up.
Lastly, there's the Long Island Medium. You'll probably think I'm a real idiot when I say this, but I totally believe she's the real deal. However, before you start saving your pennies for your own personal reading, let me just tell you what she'll say, since she says the same thing to everyone: Your loved one is at peace and they're super proud of you and whenever you feel your hair stand on end for any reason, blame it on dead grama/aunt/dad/cousin Frankie.

Alright, now you all know my dirty, dirty TV habits. We all have them, so put the gavel down, Judge Judy. (By the way, Russell has walked by as I type this and informs me it's the "Genie". Personally, I like "Rabbit" more.)

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 8 weeks

How Claire is eating: Well, we have a bit of a “supply vs. demand” situation currently: Claire demands and I just can't supply enough. So, we've starting supplementing once a day with formula. It was a hard decision. You know how the media has talked about “slut-shaming”? Well, there's definitely “formula-shaming” in baby world. But my motto is “you do what you have to do” and Claire just needs more than I can provide right now. I did, maniacally, research every formula under the SUN before choosing one. I'm still a neurotic, terrified, first time mom after all.

How Claire is sleeping: Claire is finally starting to sleep for a good stretch of time at night. We can pretty much count on 4-5 hours of sleep which is GLORIOUS. Last night, she even slept from 10:30 til 5 AM!

Update on the harness: She's only wearing the harness to sleep (from about 9 pm til 9 am) and doing generally well with it. 8 out of 10 times, she screams while we put it on, which is great because I've always found that it's easier to do a task when someone's screaming in your face. :)

This picture sums up my life right now

How much Claire weighs: We had to pop in to the pediatrician last week to check a little spot on her belly button and the scale there said 9 lbs, 13 oz. So, Ye Olde Bathroom Scale is a LIAR, as it said she weighed 10 pounds a week prior.

How much weight I've lost: I'm still stuck at -30 pounds. Russell and I have been walking every day and I attempted a teensy bit of running. It's amazing how big of a role your abdominal muscles play in basic exercise. I also took a Zumba class at my friend Kat's church which reminded me how incredibly out of shape I am :)

How Russell's doing: Currently, the only way Claire will fall asleep at night is laying on Russell's chest, so he's loving that!

Milestones this week: Claire had her first escalator ride, shortly followed by one of her first elevator rides after we saw the sign reading “no wheeled vehicles on the escalator”. Oops.

Hi, I'm adorable.

7 Week Update

2014-06-02T16:20:00.002-07:00

Hello world! Long time, no see, eh? Sorry it's been radio silence on my end for a few weeks now -turns out, having a newborn is time consuming. Who knew? Actually, I'll let you in on a little secret only us new parents know:

the first 6 weeks of your baby's life are freaking awful.

There, I said it. They're AWFUL. I know, I'm supposed to talk about the joy of motherhood and my precious bundle and how every moment is a new blessing. And it is. But DAMN, that is hard to remember when you've been up til 4 am for 3 nights running with a screaming baby who only wants to eat. And then spit up. And then poop on you, the bed, the nightgown, the god-forsaken harness, and everything else in sight. And everyone you see says, with a big smile on their face and surprise in their voice, “Wow, you look tired!”.

Sigh.

The good news is, Claire is 7 weeks old today! And we're starting to see the light! We're figuring her out and she's figuring out things like “how hands work”. It's lovely. She's sleeping better and starting to be a little less grouchy, especially in the morning. She's still pooping on any and everything, but I'm starting to care less.

Rockin' the harness at 5 weeks

Also, she's cute as hell and I'm crazy about her. Even at 4 AM!

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 7 weeks!

How Claire is eating: Claire takes after me, meaning that she could eat all day, every day, and be totally happy. Russell continues to get up for the first feeding, usually around 2 AM, so we're both getting a decent chunk of sleep, which is awesome.

How Claire is sleeping: She goes down about 10:30 – in her crib. Back up from around 2:00-2:45, takes a bottle from Russell, then back to the crib. Up again between 4:45 and 5:30 --- my turn to feed her, then back to the crib until around 6:30 or 7:00. After that, it's hit or miss. Sometimes I can stick her in her bouncer, which we call the “Shakey Seat”, in between us on the bed, and she'll sleep for another couple hours. Sometimes, we're just up with the sun. :)

Update on the harness: We had an ultrasound at Children's Hospital last week (where a very judgey nurse made me feel bad that Claire doesn't take a pacifier. Sorry, nursey, she just doesn't. You try to reason with a 6 week old) which showed that Claire's hips are perfect! We got to FINALLY take the harness off on Thursday. It was wonderful! Claire had her first tub bath (which she hated), her first swaddling since the hospital, and (most importantly, ha!) got to wear her first pants!! Now, she only has to wear the harness at night for 3 more weeks, then 6 hours a day for 3 weeks, then DONE.

I got 99 problems but a harness ain't one

How much Claire weighs: About 10 pounds, according to Ye Olde Bathroom Scale.

How much weight I've lost: So far, I've lost 30 pounds of the 48 I gained. 18 pounds to go to get back to my pre-prego weight, which honestly, was the most I've ever weighed. Sooooo....maybe some more work after that :) I'm part of a Postpartum support group on facebook and we all did a weight loss challenge in May, which really helped me. This month, I'm doing a DietBet with the same group. In case you've never heard of that, DietBet is a website where you basically bet a small sum of money that you can lose 4% of your body weight in 28 days. If you lose it, you split the pot with the other winners. If you don't lose the weight, you lose the money. So, I'm hoping the threat of losing my hard earned $20.00 will stop me from eating my weight in biscuits.

C-section recovery: Well, I went to the doctor last week and he cleared me for all activities, which made me both happy and terrified. C-section ladies know what I'm talking about here. Yikes. I will NOT be updating y'all on how ALL activities are going, but let's just say that I think it's best to take it slooooooow.

I'm talking about running, of course.

How Russell's doing: Well, he's tired, of course. Other than that, I think he's doing really, really well. He's really good with Claire – she LOVES him and smiles for him more than anyone! He's also much braver and more confident than I am – he's ready to take her out and about and I'm like, “let's just be hermits FOREVER”. He's also really good at entertaining her. I've basically got 2 tricks up my sleeve (more like down my blouse, AMIRIGHT?), but he's always thinking up new ways to keep a newborn happy.

Came home from the store to find my daughter watching sports

Milestones this week: Claire went to church for the first time last week! We visited the church I grew up in – Erin Presbyterian. She chilled in the car seat until the sermon started: then she screamed bloody murder. This week, we went to Powell Pres. (our current church, where I'm the musical minister). She made it through “Welcome to church this Sunday!” before the screaming started. Ironically, the only part of the service she didn't scream through was when the choir sang! That's my girl!!

A farewell to pants. Maternity pants that is

2014-05-14T08:22:00.002-07:00

You may recall when I first outgrew normal pants. I wrote about it here. It was then that I was introduced to the wonderful world of maternity pants and bade farewell to nuisances such as zippers and buttons. I eventually outgrew that first pair of maternity jeans and went on to a larger pair I found at a thrift store. A beautiful marriage between sweat pants and jeans, they served me well. I never had to worry if my fly was down, since I didn't have one. I never dealt with “muffin top”, since my huge elastic pants went from my crotch to my boobs. And my maternity jeans never dug into my stomach leaving a judgey little red imprint where the button had been.

This week marked an important milestone: my return to regular pants. Now, let's not get crazy: these are not my pre-pregnancy pants. They're some jeans that a friend gave me specifically for after my c-section because they're 2 sizes too big. Or, they would have been before I got pregnant. Now, they barely zip. Damn you, bagels of days gone by!!

Anyhow, to commemorate this occasion: a haiku.

Goodbye preggers jeans

Elastic waist, no judgement

Hidden muffin top

This week:

How old is Claire?: 3 weeks

3 weeks old!

How Claire is eating: This week we introduced the bottle in hopes that Russell could take over 1 of the 3 overnight feedings. Claire took to it immediately and, thank you Jesus, has no problem going back and forth between the boob and the bottle. This means that I get to sleep for a luxurious 4 hours at a time!! Before having a baby, that sentence would have sounded crazy to me.

How Claire is sleeping: After a couple weeks of trial and error, we're starting to figure this one out. For now at least. Claire's actually been sleeping in her crib. It's funny- the crib is the last place we considered. For people my parents age, it was probably the only option, but after reading umpteen parenting books and the entire internet, we were convinced that she'd either need to sleep in some kind of cradle in our room or she'd sleep in our bed. We tried both of those (plus many other options), and then finally, in exhaustion, gave up and tried to the crib. And it worked! Now, it doesn't work every time, but usually she's in there at least half the night.

4 AM party at my house!

Update on the harness: Great news on the harness front this week! We went to KOC to see Dr. Crawford and he told us that Claire's hips “want to stay in socket”, which of course, is the goal. He said that if we were the kind of people who celebrated over a bottle of wine, that night was a good excuse! We are SO happy and SO relieved. We have 3 more weeks of 24/7 harness time, then an ultrasound which will hopefully show more progress, and after that..... WE GET TO TAKE THE HARNESS OFF FOR 12 HOURS A DAY. Praise Jesus. Seriously.

How much weight Claire's gained: Now, we're just weighing her using the scale in our bathroom, so this may not be accurate, but Ye Olde Bathroom Scale says Claire weighs 8 lbs, 8 oz (including the harness of course). Funny, she's nearly a month old and still doesn't weigh as much as I did AT BIRTH. Y'all, I told you I was big, but I didn't tell you I was actually the biggest baby in the hospital. I was so damn big, they used me for a bathing demonstration because I was visible from the back of the room. VISIBLE FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM. My poor, tiny mom....

Hotties

How much weight I've lost: Ha! Speaking of visible from the back of the room.....more like, visible from the Mars Rover. :) Actually, I can't complain because the weight really is coming off. It's starting to come off a bit slower, but I'm steadily losing. Currently, I've lost 25 pounds (of the 48 I gained).

C-section recovery: Going well! I'm off all the pain medication and just a little sore. Russell and I took the baby to World's Fair Park most days this week for a walk, and I could go a little farther each day, which was encouraging. Warning, this sentence is about to get gross, so if you're a boy or easily offended, avert yo eyes – I'm still dealing with some bleeding, which I notice gets heavier if I've walked a lot the previous day. Dr. Google says this can last up to 6 weeks, so I'm not worried – it's more annoying at this point.

Milestones this week: Claire went to her first party (Happy Birthday, Bethany!!) and we celebrated my first Mother's Day with Claire's first lunch in a restaurant. Lots of firsts!

My neighbor (who happens to own the best bakery in town) brought us a Mother's Day cake!! Best neighbors ever!

I've got one hand in my pocket...

2014-05-08T12:07:00.001-07:00

...and the other one's wiping spit up off my dress. Pretty sure that's how the song went. Sidenote: did you know Alanis Morissette recorded an acoustic version of Jagged Little Pill in 2005? I was introduced to it the other night and it is legit. I mean, if you, like me, also spent much of 1995 holed up in your room, feverishly memorizing the lyrics to the original album...

When I was pregnant, I remember wondering aloud to Russell what stay at home moms do with all their time. Not wondering in a judgey way, but I read all these blogs where the mom stays home with the baby, and most of the time, she's lucky to get a shower in. Before I had a baby, I couldn't understand why. I mean, babies sleep all the time, right?

Um, wrong. Well, partially wrong.

Babies do sleep a lot. If you're holding them. But no worries, sometimes they take a break from sleeping for a meal......during which, you are holding them. The rest of a newborns time is spent screaming and you're usually holding them during that as well. Which presents a problem if you typically use your hands to, say, eat. Or do laundry. Or take a shower.

This brings me to a list I've made entitled, “Things I CAN do with one hand”

Check facebook
Pin crafts I'll never do on Pinterest
Read scary parenting stories on the Internet, especially about the pavlik harness.
Read “What to Expect in the 1^st Year”, which, by the way, save yourselves the time. It's 900 pages long and I can tell you what to expect: CRYING. You. The baby. All the time.
Drink water. Sooooo much water. Breastfeeding (big surprise) makes you crazy thirsty.

And of course, things I CAN'T do with one hand:

Clean anything. Don't come to my house right now. It's a disaster and I'm not sugar coating that.
Cook. :) Oh, who are we kidding, I couldn't cook with 3 hands.
Laundry. This is why most of my clothes have spit up and/or feces on them
Eat. Everyone said the baby weight would just “melt off” after she arrived. They didn't say it would be because of starvation.
Shower. I actually have managed to get a shower in every day, but it's because I take it either very early, before Russell leaves or while she's napping in the morning. I know, I know, I should sleep when the baby sleeps. But when you're covered in bodily fluids, a shower looks a lot better than a nap.
Drive. My doctor actually told me not to drive for “several weeks” and not until I was off painkillers, which I'm not, so I haven't been tempted yet.
Return a phone call, answer emails, or correspond in any kind of timely manner. If you've contacted me in the last 2 weeks and never heard back, so sorry! Blame this baby :)

This week:

How old is Claire?: 2 weeks!

How Claire is eating: Like a champ! Now that we figured out a new hold for breastfeeding, she does really well. I haven't yet figured out how to breastfeed without flashing everyone in a mile's radius, so that's a goal for later.

How Claire is sleeping: Um....yeah. Not so much. In the hospital, we swaddled her and she'd conk right out (pretty much). But the harness makes swaddling impossible. Right now, we basically put her between the two of us, on her back. I hold one hand down and Russell holds the other one until she falls asleep. It's not ideal, to say the least, but it's working.

Update on the harness: We've become pros at diapering with the harness on – I'm still learning how to take change the onesie underneath the harness. Russell's really good at it, thank God.

How much weight Claire's gained: She's up to 7 lbs, 8 oz!

How much weight I've lost: Sigh. You had to ask. :) Well, my grand total for weight gain was about 48 pounds. Yikes. At my first doctor's appointment, I'd only lost 14 of those, but now, a week later, I've lost 20 total. Another 28 to go....

C-section recovery: is slow, but steady. At the beginning of this week, I was still taking one prescription pain pill each morning, but now I've switched to just Motrin and I'm still doing fine. Getting out of bed is slow, walking is slow, but considering I had major surgery last week, I'm feeling great! Russell and I took a “walk” the other day – I made it to the end of our block before I had to sit down, which was a kind of a bummer. But, while we were walking, a neighbor who had a c-section 7 months ago ran by with her dog, so that gave me some hope that eventually, I will move at more than a snail's pace. :)

Milestones this week: Claire's already trying to hold her head up. Sometimes, she'll be asleep on my chest, and then all of a sudden, she'll just lift her head up, look right into my eyes, and then plop it back down. Pretty cute.

You thinkin of puttin me down? I don't think so.

My top 8 reasons why my c-section was not too bad.

2014-04-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

When I was told I needed a c-section, I have to be honest: I wasn't really that bummed. I was past my due date and scheduled to be induced, which made me really nervous. I'm just not sure how I feel about Pitocin and I didn't want to end up not progressing and being forced into an emergency c-section after umpteen hours of labor. Plus, I've always been a little queasy about the whole “pushing a watermelon through a water hose” situation.

So, when the doctor informed me that there really weren't any other options for my breech baby, I was a little relieved. Now I knew exactly what to expect and I didn't have to make any more decisions. I'd be able to get a good nights sleep, shower, show up at the hospital, have a baby.

Overall, I'd give the whole “c-section experience” an 8 out of 10. I'm deducting 2 points for pain, because with any major surgery, there's gonna be some of that. But honestly, even the pain hasn't been unmanageable. The day of the surgery, I had about half an hour where I was like, “BRING THE MORPHINE FASTER”, but beyond that, I've been able to manage it with the pain meds they prescribed me. Oh, and walking wasn't too pleasant at first, but I found a way to fix that, which we'll talk about later (Hint: his name is "abdominal binder" and he's basically the love of my life).

So, here are the top 8 reasons why my c-section was not that bad:

Free bikini wax, kinda....

So, before you can have surgery, they have to “shave the area”. This means that a sweet little nurse has to come in your room, hike up your dress, and bring out the “clippers”, as she called them, which made me think of these:

And let's be honest, bikini area grooming was not high on my “pre-baby” checklist, so she probably needed the big guns.

Also, file this experience away under “things your husband can't un-see”. On the plus side, aside from the huge Frankenstein scar and jiggy postpartum belly, WHO'S READY FOR BATHING SUIT SEASON???

Complimentary nightie!

Basically as soon as you walk in the door, the hospital wants you to change into a gown of theirs. It's got a couple interesting features like a “peekaboo” back (you too can flash your family!) and what I'm going to call a boob pocket. Right at boob level there's a slit, presumably to breastfeed through? It only works if your boobs are flat enough to fit through the slit though. I don't know, maybe you're supposed to put the baby up to the slit and force your boob through? As fun as the gown was, I changed out of it as soon as possible.

Right hand: pointing at the sign. Left hand: frantically holding the back of the gown together.

Concierge service

Otherwise known as your wonderful nursing staff. There are some things you don't consider before you have a c-section. Like, afterwards, you can't bend over at all. So, anything on the floor is off limits. Let's take a moment and name some things on the floor! Um, how about....your underwear, after the mandatory first shower! And who is gonna help you get said underwear to its rightful spot? Your sweet nurse, that's who. Also, after you have a baby, there's quite a lot of blood loss (I know, ew.) So much, in fact, that for the first day, you'll just lay on a bunch of towels. Who's going to change those towels? :) Nurses. And who's going to hold them in place during your (horrible) mandatory 1^st time walking? You get it. Nurses = Saints.

Access to the VIP room
Unbeknownst to us beforehand, our hospital has a room that's set aside for new dads called the “Nourishment Room”. Why they didn't just call it a kitchen, I'll never know. It was a little kitchenette with a few basic provisions: cereal and milk, crackers, soda, coffee, etc. And y'all know that free food will get me outta bed any day, so you better believe that the first time I ventured out (realllllllly slowly) to the hallway, I “hightailed” (re: at a turtle's pace) it to the Nourishment Room.

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS! RESULTS RESULTS RESULTS!

My testimonial: “Before my c-section, I tried many diets on my own, but could never get the weight off! After only 4 DAYS in the hospital, I lost 16 POUNDS!!! And, I got to eat whatever I wanted (off the hospital cafeteria's sugar and salt free menu) and I only exercised TWICE (walking up and down the hallway.....once to get free food). All it took was having a human baby removed from my abdomen via major surgery. And for 40 weeks of pregnancy and one easy payment of between $500 and $1000, you can have results like mine! IT'S THAT EASY.”

Room service!

If there's one thing I miss the most about our stay in the hospital, it's the little red button on my bed that called a nurse to my room, most of the time with Percocet. :) And every time the nurses brought me my painkiller, they were like, “oh, you should take this with food. I'll bring you a snack.” Um, amazing! Helloooooo access to unlimited generic saltines and no-sugar added peanut butter! Also, that same button is the one you push when, at 3 am, you can no longer listen to a newborn scream. A smiling, sweet, wonderful nurse will come take them from you, so you can get 2.5 blissful hours of sleep. Nowadays, I wake in the night, sweating, feverishly grasping for a button that my fingers will never again find. Sigh. It's my Vietnam.

Do you know the muffin man? No, but I know his wife.

Here is the most magical thing about having a c-section (besides the obvious: bringing new life into the world): the muffin lady. Every morning, at around 7 am, a little hispanic woman would come into my room and bring me 3 things: a banana, a teensy container of juice, and a muffin. The first morning, I was confused, mostly because I was in a haze of pain killers and exhaustion from a newborn that wouldn't sleep. I assumed it was breakfast. The banana was what you'd expect, as was the juice. But guys, THE MUFFIN. SO GOOD. Seeing this woman became a highlight of my day. By the last morning, I was up at 5:30, sitting in my chair, bright eyed and bushy-tailed, awaiting her arrival. And the best part: that wasn't even my breakfast. They'd bring that around 8:30. The muffin was like a little breakfast appetizer. Man, I miss the muffin lady.

8. Beware the complimentary "massage"

One of my favorite pregnancy terms is “fundal”. It's the measurement from your pubic bone to the top of your uterus and doctor's use it to see how big your baby is. After you deliver, your fundal height is supposed to go down an inch a day. To check this, the nurse comes in and gives you a “fundal massage”. Don't be fooled, it is NOT a relaxing event. I actually managed to avoid it for the first couple days, but by day 3, apparently my uterus wasn't contracting enough, so I too got my first fundal massage. It is unpleasant, to say the least. Turns out, when you've recently had your uterus sliced open, you don't want anyone massaging it. I kept trying to work in the phrase “You put the fun in fundal!!”, but since my teeth were gritted together in pain, I couldn't quite spit it out.

So, as you can see, having a c-section is basically one long trip to the spa. In all seriousness, we had a really great experience -the nurses were WONDERFUL, the food was actually pretty decent (there was a pot roast one night that was amazing!), and let's not forget that we got a happy, healthy baby out of the deal. :) All in all, I'd do it again. Not anytime soon, but maybe someday!

"My name's Claire and today, I'll only sleep if I'm being held! Also, I can poop 10 times daily, no problem!"

Week 41 or “Stop: Baby Time”

2014-04-26T09:48:00.002-07:00

So, you're probably all “what happened to week 40?” I'll tell you what happened: nothing. Not a dang thing. I sat at home, bored as all hell, in a holding pattern of frantic cleaning and elevating my feet in hopes of keeping my blood pressure down.

As my due date (April 10^th) approached, I tried all the old wives tales to induce labor. Well, almost all of them - I couldn't bring myself to drink the Castor oil. Ew. I did, however, drink the raspberry leaf tea, take evening primrose supplements, walk(as much as I could), and a couple others that frankly, would make you uncomfortable. Hint: rhymes with flipple chimulation and it's a real weird way to spend a Saturday night. Doesn't matter, as none of them worked.

April 10^thcame and went uneventfully. The day after, we went to the OB to have an ultrasound and check my fluid level. The ultrasound technician delivered the news: she's breech. Upside down. The only real option was a c-section. Some doctors try to turn breech babies, but I was against that (I'd read a horror story of a baby dying during that procedure) and luckily, so was my doctor. We scheduled the c-section for Monday, April 14^th at noon. We were pretty stoked that her birthday would be 4-14-14!

We spent the weekend relaxing and now trying NOT to go into labor, as that would necessitate an emergency c-section. Russell went to the Orange and White Game. I watched a lot of daytime TV. On Sunday, we slept in and then went and saw “Captain America” - probably our last movie in the theater for a long time!

Monday morning, we arrived at the hospital around 9:30. I got hooked up to an IV and changed into my sexy hospital gown. My parents and Russell's mom showed up, all super excited. A little before noon, Russell got changed into his scrubs and I walked back to the OR where I got my spinal block – aka the WEIRDEST feeling ever. I'll write more on that later.

Lucky 31!

In the words of TLC, "No, I don't want no scrubs..."

At about 12:20 they brought Russell in and got started. I was feeling a little panicked – it is super strange to be wide awake while somebody opens up your abdomen. I didn't feel any pain, but I was definitely nervous. Thank God, the mood in the room was really light – the anesthesiologist was right by me the whole time, all smiles, telling me how everything was going well, which I really appreciated.

6 lbs, 9 oz of cutness

At 12:38, Claire Elizabeth McCurdy was born! 6 pounds, 9 ounces, 20 ½ inches long. Russell and I still can't believe how tiny she was as we were both big 'ole babies. The doctor held her up over the sheet for me to see briefly, then carted her off to be “de-gunked”. Russell went with her. I tell ya, after she was out, I didn't care at all about the c-section: I was just relieved to 1.) not be pregnant anymore and 2.) see our baby girl. Claire scored an 8 on her 1 minute apgar and a 9 on her 5 minute test, so she's basically a genius.

At some point, Russell brought her over to me and laid her next to my face – beforehand, I thought I would sob, but I think I was a little too jacked up on pain killer / in shock.

Once they finished sewing me up, Frankenstein-style, they laid her next to me in the bed and wheeled us right back to the room we'd come from. Our parents got to meet her and hold her – I'm sure there were tears, but again, I was a little cracked out :)

Claire meets Russell's mom or "Mama L."

We stayed for 3 more days -the max our insurance would allow. They offered to let us go home on Wednesday, but we figured another night of free babysitting and hospital food was worth the trade off of sleeping on a bed that can only be described as “one step above prison” quality. Actually, we loved the hospital. I've had friends who are desperate to check out once they have their little one, but we had an awesome experience! As I write this, we're 12 days out, and there are moments (mostly at about 2 AM) when I LONG to push that sweet little button and have a smiling nurse take my screaming infant to the nursery so I can sleep.

But, one really can't complain when this is the face I wake up to every day:

And that is the story of how Ms. Claire Elizabeth McCurdy was born!

Our little hipster

2014-04-21T15:40:00.001-07:00

So, I promise to write about Claire's birth eventually, but I wanted to go ahead and blog about what we're going through right now. Also, I know y'all come here for the witty reparte, but I gotta tell you – I AM TIRED. Guys, newborns don't sleep. Except during the day, when company is here. At night, they're all eyes. And all screaming. So, instead of the hilarity you came here for, you'll have to settle for a picture of my baby :)

Claire was born on Monday, April 14^th, at 12:38 pm. She weighed 6 pounds, 9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Everything about her is perfect – all fingers and toes accounted for, apgar score of 9, passed the hearing tests with flying colors. She's basically a prodigy.

Day 1

At her first pediatrician appointment, which was Tuesday, she was diagnosed with hip dysplacia. The doctor came in and told me- Russell was in the shower. I really didn't think too much about it. I actually said, “My dog had hip dysplacia when we got her from the shelter but it resolved once she stopped sleeping in a cage and started sleeping in the bed. So....I guess the cage is out for Claire.” I didn't really get that this was a serious thing :)

On Thursday, we were discharged from the hospital and sent immediately to Knoxville Orthapedic Clinic for evaluation. We knew that she might have to wear a harness, but that's it. We were so unprepared.

The doctor at KOC evaluted Claire and confirmed the diagnosis: bilateral hip dysplacia. He told us treatment would be cheap, painless, and incredibly inconvenient: she'd wear a Pavlik Harness for 6 weeks, 24/7, and then for 6 additional weeks (if all was well at her 6 week appointment) for varying amounts of time. 24/7 means we can't take it off for diaper changes, baths, or skin-to-skin contact. He told us a nurse would be in to fit her for her harness. When the nurse came in, she asked if we had a onesie and socks, which we didn't. She gave us a generic pair and said they saved these for people who didn't bring their own. I think that's when I realized that she was putting this harness on my 3 day old baby and it wasn't coming off for 6 weeks, at least. That's when I started crying and didn't stop for 3 days – usually, I'm not an overly emotional person. I can get my act together. But between recovering from a c-section and postpartum hormones, I was a mess.

Claire was such a trooper. The harness doesn't faze her at all. She looks like a little frog with her legs up in a “M” position. But the harness makes everything 10000x harder. I'd just gotten the hang of breastfeeding, but the harness gets in the way now, so I had to start all over with a new position. In the hospital, Russell was swaddling her like a pro, but now the harness gets in the way of any swaddle. When we left the hospital, we felt pretty confident about this newborn thing, but now everything we knew had changed. It was awful.


She held my finger the whole way home from KOC

It's also hard because on one hand, it's not “serious”. My sweet baby is healthy and there is a very good chance that this stupid harness will resolve all of her hip issues and we'll be harness free in 12 weeks. There are plenty of moms out there who would kill to have this problem instead of what their newborn is facing. But on the other hand, this is our first baby and you have dreams and hopes of what that means – this harness was not part of those dreams. I have a drawer full of newborn clothing that she can't wear. I can't just give her a bath – we have to sponge bathe her, which she hates. I can't cradle her in my arms, because it pushes her legs together. She has to wear these socks that go up to her thighs and can't be removed (by us at least). I can't see her sweet tiny toes anymore. It feels like the death of one tiny dream after another.

The first few days were really, really hard. I couldn't speak without crying. And let me tell you, sobbing and a c-section scar do not go hand in hand. Ouch. If this doesn't work, the next step is an even worse harness, followed by a spica cast (google it, it's awful), followed by surgery and another horrific cast. It's not a pretty road and we are fervently praying that we don't have to go down it. But as I type this, Claire is a week old, and things are feeling better. On Saturday, we had a very positive pediatrician appointment where he told us he could already feel the hip starting to heal. Yesterday was Easter, and I was able to put Claire in her Easter dress, harness be damned. I'm getting a handle on breastfeeding and although we've not figured out sleeping yet, I have hope that we will.

I also wanted to say that, on Friday, we shared our struggle on facebook and asked for prayer, which is a bit out of my comfort zone. I'm happy to ask for “good thoughts” or “positive juju”, but prayer seems personal and I don't want to force that. But I'm also a huge believer in the power of prayer and I knew it's what we needed. The responses were so overwhelmingly kind. I was reminded of that scripture from Galatians, “Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Y'all really bore my burden. My status received tons of positive comments that really helped me through these last days. I also got a handful of private messages – some from people I don't even know – offering encouragement, advice, and help. I can't tell you how much these meant to me. You all really helped lift me out of a very sad place and I am so, so grateful.

And now, enough of the serious blog posts! We're ready to move forward and be positive about these next 11 weeks with our frog legged baby.

Week 39 or "I feel pretty, oh so pretty"

2014-04-12T15:28:00.003-07:00

Warning: any baby posts might involve some unappetizing talk including, but not limited to: my lady parts, peeing, and the word “fetus”. Proceed with caution.

Also, remember that this blog is a bit post-dated - I wrote this at 39 weeks, but I'm publishing a week later

Here's a current picture of me:

Of course I'd be eating in this picture

Just kidding. Here it is:

Everything's bigger. EVERYTHING.

That's how big I feel.

A few weeks ago, I was questioning why all maternity photographers insist on doing the “pre baby” shoot at around 7 months. Now I know. That's when you're “cute pregnant”. By month 9, that cuteness is long gone.

First of all, I am swollen all the time. Last week, it was just when my blood pressure went up. Now, I wake up like a blowfish. My legs are basically one size, from my knee to my foot. My fingers look like vienna sausages. I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring for weeks. I have at least 3 chins.

And my belly is no longer a cute, round basketball. It's got corners, made up of someone's knees and elbows. Sometimes, it's totally lopsided. It defies all shirts and likes to make appearances at really awkward times, like standing in the line at CVS. I'm all, “Where's that breeze coming from?”

Also, gone are the days of shiny, manageable pregnancy hair. I don't know what happened, but overnight, my hair has turned back to straw. My skin feels like it's stretched to capacity. It itches. I slather on benadryl crème like nobody's business. I've developed these little brown patches on my cheeks called melasma or “the mask of pregnancy”. The internet tells me they'll probably fade after she's born. Probably.

I'm also just plain huge. When I walk, the house shakes. When I'm in a store, I try to turn sideways to fit between racks, but I just end up getting stuck. Or worse, knocking crap over, which I then have to ask someone else to pick up. If I'm sitting down and I drop something on the floor, I have to stand up first before I pick it up because my belly is in the way. When I walk down stairs, I can't see my feet at all. Do you know how scary it is to go down stairs without looking at your feet??

Okay, here's an actual picture of me, rocking my pregnancy jean shorts, or “jorts” as we cool kids like to call them.

Ignore the disaster behind me. Ain't nobody got time for making the bed.

Stats

Baby is the size of a(n): A MINI WATERMELON. Oh, sweet Jesus. Putting the word “mini” before WATERMELON does not lessen the blow. Also, here's some advice for my pregnant friends: do NOT venture into the produce section to see how big a “mini watermelon” actually is. It will make you dizzy and a very concerned produce boy will ask if you're okay.

How I'm feeling: Anxious! Ready to get this show on the road!

Fancy Pregnancy Word of the week! : Well, at this weeks appointment, the OB said I was “Thinking about maybe being half a centimeter dilated”. Awesome. I am, however, 50% effaced, which Dr. Google tells me means that my cervix is thinning. Lemme tell you, it's the only thing on my body that can be described as “thinning”. My thighs = 0% effaced.

How much weight have I gained: Sigh. 44 pounds. I see running shoes in my future.

Cravings: Oddly, a french onion dip craving came out of left field. I can plow through a tub of dip in less than 2 days, hence the continued weight gain.

How Russell's doing: Russell is SO ready for this baby to be here. He keeps telling me how hard it is to get motivated for work every day, which I can believe. He also keeps chanting “Push her out, push her out, waaaaaaaay out!”, which I do NOT appreciate.

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: It's basically baby time, so I'm not actively avoiding much in hopes it will send me into labor. Shake the rugs out over the banister? I'll do it! Clean the kitchen floor on my hands and knees? Yes please! None of these have worked, but my house looks awesome.

Best part of being pregnant this week: The weather got really nice this week, finally. I don't know about you, but I feel better about ALL things if I can just open my windows.

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Not being able to sleep or walk. Being super uncomfortable. Going back and forth between sheer panic and excitement. Also, this baby is so big now, those cute little flutters from week 20 have turned into what I can only describe as a really creepy “oozing roll”. What can I say, I'm just ready to have this baby! :)

Week 38, or "Under Pressure"

2014-04-11T08:33:00.002-07:00

Warning: any baby posts might involve some unappetizing talk including, but not limited to: my lady parts, peeing, and the word “fetus”. Proceed with caution.

Well, this week was an adventure, to say the least!

We have, thank you JESUS, had a very healthy pregnancy so far. I've been dealing with the SPD, but it doesn't affect the baby, it just slows me down. No gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, scary ultrasounds, strep-B, nothing.

So, this past Wednesday, I noticed that my ankles were swollen up around lunch time, which is odd because they usually don't swell unless I've been on my feet all day, which I hadn't. I'd just taught my regular course load. I have a good stretch of plan time after lunch, so I spent the entire time laying down with my feet up. While I was teaching my last 2 classes, I started to feel hot and just all around gross. Luckily, a nice perk of teaching is the school nurse! So, I high tailed it up there right after the kids dismissed and had her check my blood pressure.

165/101.

140/90 is considered “high”. I've never been anywhere close to that, let alone 165/101! So, I called my doctor and she said to go straight to Labor and Delivery.

This actually wasn't the first time I'd been to the good 'ole L&D – a few months ago, I woke up to, well, let's just say a “gush” of fluid down yonder. I'm not typically a bed wetter, so I was a little surprised. It happened again and we ended up going to L&D to get checked out. Turns out, I peed myself. Yeah, why am I telling you this?? Overshare much, Becca? Oh well, now all my ladies out there who peed themselves accidentally during pregnancy can know that they're not alone.

"Youuuuu are not alone...."

ANYHOW. Long story short, we hung out in L&D for about 4 hours, until my blood pressure went down to a normal rate. We left with instructions to “rest at home as much as possible” (ha!).

The next 3 days at work, I would teach a class or two and then, right on cue, swell up like a blowfish, go check my pressure, find out it was high and go home. This really stressed me out, because I am a planner. I do not like “taking it a day at a time”. I like knowing exactly what's going to happen and when.

The following Tuesday, I went to my OB appointment and told her what had been happening. At first she said, “Well, if it goes up again, you need to call us”. And I was like, “Cool, let's chat in an hour because I'm about to go to work and it will definitely go up.” That's when she told me the good/bad/terrifying news: it was time to stop working. Actually her words were, “If you can manage it, you need to be at home until you deliver.” Um, what? No, I can't “manage” that!! I was supposed to work 4 more days! I had a, pardon my french, SHIT TON to do! (That's a technical term for “quite a lot”)

But, when your doctor calmly explains that every time your blood pressure rises, your poor baby can't get blood or nutrients, you do what you have to do. Not gonna lie, I was in sheer panic mode for that first day. But, after the initial terror, being at home was definitely the right thing to do. My BP has stayed right where it should be. So now, we wait!

Stats

Baby is the size of a(n): A PUMPKIN. I have no words for this stat, only a scared, whimpering sound.

How I'm feeling: Well, after typing the word PUMPKIN, I'm feeling freaking terrified.

New category!! Fancy Pregnancy Words: Now that we're in the final weeks, let's learn some pregnancy words, shall we? This week's word is “dilation”. Here's a terrifying infographic:

Jesus Christ Superstar.

So, before I can push this baby out, my cervix has to be the size of a breakfast pastry. Oh, also, I'm renaming my cervix “Fort Knox”, as it is locked up tight, according to my OB. No dilation at all. FABULOUS.

How much weight have I gained: 40 pounds. Oops. Also, when I got on the scale at the doctor this week and saw that horrible number come up, I said something to the effect of “Sweet Mary, mother of GOD”, and the nice little nurse said “Oh don't worry, it's mostly baby!” Um, like hell it is! Unless this baby weighs 30 pounds and if she does, we have bigger problems, namely the pending Vaginapocalypse.

Cravings: Nothing new here – keep the lemonade coming! Also, did you know that Monday is free Waffle Bowl day at Froyoz? Not that I've made this a regular thing, but guys: FREE WAFFLE BOWLS.

How Russell's doing: He's done well, considering this week has been crazy. Russell's very budget conscious, so I was worried that he would freak out over me losing 4 more days of paycheck, but he didn't at all. However, he now has to look at me, lying in our comfortable bed, while he gets ready for work, which has to be awful.

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: Pretty much all things this week. I lay on the couch and take my blood pressure. Sometimes I get up and do something crazy like fold laundry. Then I check my blood pressure again and sit back down. Not a lot getting done over here.

Best part of being pregnant this week: I did actually go in to work a couple times, to rehearse with our Ensemble because they were going to sing in the ETVA Choral Festival this Thursday - talk about bad timing, right? But those girls are superstars and they totally pulled it together, sang beautifully at Festival, and got a "1", which is the highest score you can receive :)

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Definitely the stress associated with not working, yet having to tie up all loose ends via the phone and email.

Week 36, or "IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWWWN"

2014-04-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe that Baby McCurdy is due in 4 SHORT WEEKS! Even more unbelievable: I think we're ready. Well, as ready as first time parents can be. All of the baby showers are over, the tiny clothes are washed and folded. I've read the last chapter of “What to Expect When You're Expecting” at least 10 times. I found a substitute choir director/pianist to cover my church gig and a substitute teacher to cover my school gig. I've even started packing away the maternity clothes that don't fit anymore.

Oh, by the way – there's something they don't tell you in “What to Expect”: eventually, you will outgrow your maternity clothes. Unfortunately, this will happen weeks before the baby arrives.

See, when you first get pregnant, you make due by unbuttoning your pants and wearing loose blouses. Eventually, you succumb and buy one of these:

It's not nearly this sexy. Only on rare occasions did I stand in front of a fan and pull half my shirt off to show off my belly band.

It's called a belly band and it basically holds your pants up when you have to completely unzip them. This works for awhile, as long as you keep wearing those loose blouses. But eventually, you become keenly aware that you're walking around with your pants unzipped, especially if your job is to talk in front of middle schoolers all day.

So, you buy the maternity jeans. If you're cheap like me, this pains your heart because you think you'll only wear them for a few months. I'm realizing now that I may be rocking these jeans WAY in to the summer, months after Baby Mc is here, but that's another story.

So, you shell out the big bucks (you know, like 30 WHOLE dollars) for those jeans with the big elastic waist that basically tuck into your bra. And y'all: THEY. ARE. HEAVEN. You vow to never take them off. They're like sweatpants and jeans had a baby. You wonder how you ever wore pants with a zipper and how you'll ever go back to them after the birth. You realize that this is how women your mother's age began wearing elastic waist pants every day.

And then, at about month 9, something really nasty happens: you outgrow your maternity jeans. In those jeans, your thighs start to look like sausage, stuffed into the casing. You also outgrow all other maternity pants. And most of your shirts. We won't even talk about your underwear. You resign yourself to wearing either a dress or yoga pants and one of the 3 tops that's long enough to cover your belly.

And people wonder why I didn't want to have maternity pictures done.

Stats

Baby is the size of a(n): head of romaine lettuce. Not iceberg lettuce, dagnabbit! ROMAINE.

How I'm feeling: Huge.

How much weight have I gained: 36 pounds, hence the “huge” feeling.

Cravings: Anything citrus – we go through, like, 3 gallon jugs of “Simply Lemon” a week.

How Russell's doing: Just fine! His high school band kids and parents threw us a baby shower and it was the cutest thing ever. His kids even made up a little "band camp survival" kit for Baby Mc (who is destined to be a band nerd, I fear).

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: Painting my toenails. Actually, anything from the waist down is pretty much a nightmare. I haven't shaved my legs in WEEKS, but it's no worries because I can't see them! :) Ignorance is bliss.

Best part of being pregnant this week: When people see me coming, they GET OUT THE WAY. :) I'm like Moses, at the Red Sea, BUT BIGGER.

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Sometimes, when I walk, my waddle is SO bad, I get little sing song voices in my head, chanting “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall”, etc. It's cruel.

Week 35 or “Zombieland"

2014-04-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that game “The Sims”?

Let me tell you, back in the day, I played a lot of Sims. Mostly I was in it to do 2 things: build their little houses and kill them in funny ways. You know, the norm. And here's the thing about Sims: they don't really have free will, so if you just ignore your Sim, they will kinda take care of themselves, but they'll spend a whole lot of time walking from room to room, staring blankly at the wall.

"Why am I in the dining room? Better question: why do I own a sheep nightgown?"

Well, lately, I've been feeling very “Sim”-like, as I spend a lot of my day playing a game I like to call “Why am I here?” Sounds deep and insightful, right? You're overthinking it. It's more like this: I walk into a room, and then spend a good 3 minutes trying to remember what I was going to do there. It's super fun, guys! Sigh...

Here's something I've learned these last 35 weeks: BABY BRAIN IS FOR REAL.

Looking back, I think my first encouter with baby brain was in week 10 with the, now dead to me, Easy Mac. In hindsight, I'm usually a little more competent at reading instructions that are written on the side of what is essentially an 8 year olds after school snack.

The next incident involved trying to open my car door with a fork. When I realized what I was doing, it genuinely confused me.

Here is some photographic evidence of the baby brain –

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why the chicken in the pan wasn't getting warm. Turns out, you have to put the pan ON a lit burner, not just "lit burner adjacent". It took me, literally, 20 minutes to realize the problem.

And the other day, I actually stopped my students from taking a standardized survey on my teaching so I could call the office and tell them I didn't have any surveys in my room. Turns out, they were on my desk. Right next to the intercom. Didn't realize that until the poor assistant principal had run to my room to help me.

I hear it doesn't get better after the baby is born.

This will be me a few months. Except fatter. And with fewer adorable brown babies. And fewer babies, period.

Me, wearing my mermaid costume, teaching the baby about drug interactions.

Welcome to Terminus. (Too soon, Walking Dead friends?)

This is how Sims give birth - they stand in front of the toilet, thinking about pacifiers. Then, they wet themselves, groan a bit, spin around, and POOF! Baby time! Sidenote: these sentences also sum up my birth plan.

Week 32 or "The Sweetest Thing"

2014-03-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

First, you'll have to forgive me: solemnity isn't exactly my thing. I'm usually the bad kid, making a smart ass joke under my breath during the meeting.

This is what happens when I try to be serious.

And I'm the first to point out a spelling error, especially in a big, permanent mural at a Christian college :)

But there is one thing I'm pretty serious about – my wonderful husband. :)

This is the face of a man who is serious about marching band.

I met Russell at the most romantic of venues: The Szechuan Garden chinese restaurant on Chapman Highway. It was an inservice day before the school year began. He was student teaching with our band department. I don't remember much about that meeting, except that South Knox chinese is no bueno.

When I first thought to myself “Huh. This guy is kind of cool” was in the band room at school. We were all eating lunch and Russell commented that he loved to bake. Now, my dad was the chef in our family growing up, so this comment made my ears perk up a little. Also, I love baked goods, naturally.

I love you, pastries.

As I got to know Russell, I realized just how much he had in common with my dad. They're both serious when it's important but also know how to have fun. They both cook. They're both musicians. And as I was raised by one of the finest men on the planet, seeing these qualities in Russell made me pretty curious about him.

Long story short, we started dating the following New Year's Eve, through a chance meeting at a local bar where we were seeing the same band play. A couple drinks, a couple bluegrass songs, and we were inseperable. We dated for a year and a half before getting engaged during a trivia game at Mellow Mushroom.

Beer taps: the perfect background for your proposal picture

A year later, under a big, beautiful tree in the country, we were married. This June will mark 4 years of what I can honestly call wedded bliss.

Russell isn't just a nice guy. He's the nicest. He is honest, to a fault. Once, his car got broken into during a very unfortunate 2 day lapse in our insurance. I basically begged him to tell the insurance adjustor it happened before our coverage ran out, but he wouldn't do it. Another time, a furniture store undercharged us by a few hundred dollars for our, already very expensive, couch. I was like, “Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me”. Russell turned around, walked back in the store, and told the clerk what had happened. He didn't want someone to lose their job over a mistake. Like I said, he's irritatingly honest. :)

He's an incredibly hard worker, especially as a teacher. When something goes wrong at school, he hems and haws all evening. He goes in early, every day, to give extra help to his middle schoolers. He would never miss a high school football game or a band competition, even though he doesn't receive a stipend for either. He even took a class last summer on drill writing and then wrote his own band's drill. He didn't ask for a dime for it, telling me “It will save our program a lot of money if we don't have to pay someone else to do this.”

On the roof, workin' hard.

He's easy going and low drama. I've never heard him raise his voice in anger. We've had about 3 “fights”, the longest lasting maybe half an hour. He “handles” me -all my super fun, controlling, crazy, emotional tendencies – with care. This is cliché, but he actually makes me a better person. I think he's hilarious. I genuinely love spending time with him and miss him when we're apart.

He is my greatest gift and I am totally undeserving.

The other day, Russell turned to me in the car and asked me if I thought he'd be a good father. I could barely get the right words out fast enough. I don't think he'll be a good father. I know he'll be a great father. I know this because I have a great father, so I know what one looks like and he's it.

And lastly, I know that some of my former students and church kids read this blog, so I want to take the opportunity to say this to you, girls especially: I met Russell when I was 27, which is basically the age you are deemed a crazy old maid in the south. Oh, and I had 2 cats, so that didn't help. Before him, I had a handful of serious relationships, but none of them panned out. I remember telling God, many, many times, that I was ready to meet my husband. Begging Him to go ahead and send the guy. I felt like I'd waited forever and I couldn't do it anymore. I wondered if God really knew how much I wanted to be married, or if this whole “May He grant you your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your plans” line was full of crap. :)

Russell is 4 years younger than me. If I'd met him when I was, say, 22, he would have been 18. I probably won't have given him a second look.

If I'd met him when I was 25, he would have just turned 21. A 21 year old frat boy. Not what I thought I wanted in a husband.

In the end, God knew exactly when we should meet. He was always in charge. And honestly, knowing now how wonderful it is to be married to the right man, I would have waited until I was 77. The right guy (or girl) is out there and, dang it, they are SO worth waiting for. So, be patient and don't settle. It's all gonna work out. :)

Also, he's an award winning wing chef. And very excited about it.

McCurdy House

Quarantine, Day 11

Chessie L. McCurdy, 1999-2018

I have the bubble guts: a misinterpretation of "The Sound of Music"

These are a few of my favorite things....no, this isn't the Sound of Music post. Sorry Dustin!

A year in the life

Parenthood

Workin' 9 to 5

Grevious offenses in children's programming

The Rainbow Connection

A Very Lovely Life

Here's your sign

All Apologies

What's a pirate's favorite life saving technique?

This week, in reality and reality TV

7 Week Update

A farewell to pants. Maternity pants that is

I've got one hand in my pocket...

My top 8 reasons why my c-section was not too bad.

Free bikini wax, kinda....

Complimentary nightie!

Concierge service

Access to the VIP room

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS! RESULTS RESULTS RESULTS!

Room service!

Do you know the muffin man? No, but I know his wife.

8. Beware the complimentary "massage"

Week 41 or “Stop: Baby Time”

Our little hipster

Week 39 or "I feel pretty, oh so pretty"

Week 38, or "Under Pressure"

Week 36, or "IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWWWN"

Week 35 or “Zombieland"

Week 32 or "The Sweetest Thing"