Our Little Tongginator

Eating Pie

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

I know many of you are waiting to hear all about our weekend visitor. And I have to say... if you are looking for out-and-out craziness that causes insane laughter (although only when it's NOT happening to you), you should probably skip this post and head over to American Family.

I feel a lot less sorry for myself now. And AmFam kept me laughing all weekend.

As did all of you with these comments. (Thank you so very much.) Unfortunately, I don't really know how to introduce y'all to my mother-in-law without a little bit of background. While our story is not nearly as... er... colorful as AmFam's experiences, I have survived lots of twists and turns these past dozen years as I've gotten to know the Husband's family.

They bring new meaning to the phrase "Hidden Dysfunction."

On the outside, everything looks overwhelmingly normal. The three children are all wonderfully sane and married to nice, respectable spouses (if I do say so myself). Before my father-in-law's death last year, the parents held leadership positions within their church. They seemed kind of like the Brady Bunch, minus three children, the dog and Alice.

But definitely including the long, rambling Mike Brady discipline talks.

And the fights over the bathroom.

Unfortunately, looks can often be deceiving. I first realized I'd entered the world of Hidden Dysfunction about three weeks after our wedding, during Christmas dinner eleven years ago. Eight adults and three children sat at a table laden with enough food to feed the Baltimore Ravens starting offense. I didn't bat an eye at this, seeing as how my Great Aunt P often cooks enough food to feed a small army. What was weird was the way the entire family ate the meal. Because they ate. And they ate. And they ate.

And. They. Ate.

I stopped eating long before anyone else because - ya know - I wasn't hungry anymore. The food was delicious... everything was fine... and I figured we'd live through a day or two of excellent leftovers. Like normal people. Only that didn't happen. Because I watched as everyone ate until it became painfully obvious that they felt uncomfortable. And I watched as my mother-in-law became more and more flustered as she realized that she'd made copious amounts of food.

Most people would just shrug their shoulders and embrace the leftovers.

That didn't happen at the House of Hidden Dysfunction. I wanted to yell "step away from the forks," but I figured that wouldn't win me any points, especially as a new bride and all. They ate until their jeans probably popped open on their own and the gravy floated down to their toes. They ate until their jaws seemed to grow tired. They just ATE, y'all. Eventually the family realized that more digestion would probably lead to explosion, so they cautiously ceased and desisted. The table still appeared piled high with food.

And I wondered at the silence.

We all helped with the dishes and storing the leftovers... or should I say all of the females helped... yep, it's THAT kind of family. About thirty minutes after we dried the last dish, my mother-in-law announced the Cutting Of The Pie. Silence descended upon the room. And then my sister-in-law oh, so cautiously said, "dinner was SO delicious, I'm afraid I might have overeaten a tad. I'm really looking forward to having the pie - I'm sure it's delicious - but I might need to rest my stomach for a bit more."

Silence. And then...

My mother-in-law ran out of the room, crying.

Everyone froze. My father-in-law excused himself to join his wife in their bedroom. More silence. I looked from person to person, trying to figure out what on EARTH was happening. The other two in-laws, already well acquainted with the House of Hidden Dysfunction, silently laughed at me, while my husband and his two siblings sat frozen, probably morphing back into their elementary aged selves. And the deep freeze continued.

Ten minutes later, my father-in-law walked out to join everyone. He sat down. My mother-in-law soon followed. Everyone still sat... frozen, silent. Then my mother-in-law asked, "who's ready for pie?" And they all hopped up to eat the pie.

They ATE THE PIE, y'all. Right then.

They. Ate. The. Pie.

Now y'all may be wondering what made this weekend so difficult... one of the easiest explanations is that the Husband and I don't eat the pie anymore. We haven't since the fall of 2003. That makes things very difficult for everyone. And that's all I can really say about that.

Oh My Lands

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Thank you, Lord... less than 12 hours to go. Y'all - and that gorgeous quilt - have seen me through. Before I recap (vaguely, as per the husband's order), I thought I'd share with y'all a little moment in time that happened one afternoon at school last week.

Another parent volunteer shared with me that she stood just near the outside of the girls bathroom when she saw the Tongginator enter the restroom and shut the door. All was quiet for a moment. And then - from inside the bathroom - she heard a rather loud, shocked voice...

TONGGINATOR: Oh. My. Lands. (yes, y'all, she truly IS my daughter with that comment; I am such a dork) OH! MY! LANDS! I'm... I'm... I'M BLEEDING!!!!

The parent volunteer stood, shocked, as she tried to fathom how that (and y'all know what THAT I'm referring to) could be at all possible in a five-year-old. Her mind froze for a second, but then the Tongginator slammed open the door and stood in the entrance to the bathroom, completely visible to ALL within the classroom, with her skirt, tights and yes, even her undergarments, around her ankles.

TONGGINATOR: I need HELP! I'm bleeding!!!!

And that's when the parent volunteer noticed a small (and I do mean minuscule) abrasion on the Tongginator's knee.

Her KNEE, y'all.

This child of mine is darn fortunate that I've always felt tremendous concern about the high risk of early onset puberty in international adoptees. Otherwise she'd be hearing a long Mike Brady style lecture about the importance of modesty and discretion. As it is, I'm just thankful it was a skinned knee. And I'm thankful that Ms. Confetti took care of 90% of the modesty discussion before I even learned what happened.

Now I just wonder how many children in class will remember this story in high school...

100 Wonderful Moments

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Y'all kept me laughing this weekend, so thank you VERY MUCH for your comments on Friday. And I wanted to share with y'all one very special moment that makes everything worth it. The Tongginator's Nanny completed her 100 Good Wishes Quilt a few weeks back, but the Tongginator finally received her gift this weekend.

And the giggling? Is not a sound I will soon forget.

the Tongginator, rolling around on her long-awaited quilt

the quilt, created by the Tongginator's Nanny

a closer look at the quilt's four corners, clockwise from upper
left: He2, meaning peace and harmony; Ai4, meaning love
and affection; Zhi4, meaning wisdom and knowledge; and
Fu2, meaning luck and good fortune

two of the Tongginator's favorite squares, given to her by the Fish
Family (fabric chosen for obvious reasons) and the Tongginator's
godparents (fabric chosen because we received the Tongginator's
adoption referral just two weeks before Christmas; plus, this family
decorates their house for Christmas with Peanuts characters)

The Tongginator is still cherishing her quilt four days later. And so am I. My mother-in-law? Is an amazing quilter. What a keepsake this will be.

Sunday Linkage

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:10:00 +0000

As always, I don't necessarily agree or disagree with these links, but I believe they are important to consider. For those of you new around here, I'm an adoptive momma. Each Sunday I try to post links relevant to the China- adoptive community. I read some of these linkage posts while nodding my head in agreement... others stretch my mind as I seek to understand. Always, always, I consider them.

What does "Gotcha" mean? -- adult adoptee (Korea) Jane Jeong Trenka shares the words of her first mother, Lee Pil-rye, at Conducive Magazine... one first mother's experience with international adoption

National Adoption Awareness Month: Cause for Celebration? -- adoptive momma (Korea) Margie at Third Mom... Margie's thoughts and feelings about November's National Adoption Awareness Month

Fear -- adult adoptee (domestic) Phil at Finding Jane Doe... responding to a recent comment written by an adoptive parent, Phil shares some thoughts

Becoming a mother -- adult adoptee (domestic, Canada) Kerry at Pound Pup Legacy... Kerry responds to a recent post written by an adoptive momma about the initial transition time after adopting a child

In China, Who Adopts Girls & Why? -- adoptive momma (China) Malinda at China Adoption Talk... quoting a 2006 research paper on domestic adoption (mostly informal adoption) and attitudes towards girls in rural China

A Tricky Question -- adoptive momma (China) AmFam at American Family... answering a reader's question, "If you had a white husband, do you think you might still have adopted internationally, or considered doing so?"

The Dreams in Adoption -- adult adoptee and adoptive parent (Korea) Paula at Heart, Mind and Seoul... thoughts after hearing her daughter say, "...I think my best job that I could ever be is to be a mommy."

What National Adoption Awareness Month Means to Me -- first mother FauxClaud at the group adoption blog Grown In My Heart... why this first mother will NOT be celebrating National Adoption Awareness Month

Sunday Scripture

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Better to live on the corner of the roof
than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 25:24

宁可住在房顶的角上, 不在宽阔的房屋与争吵的妇人同住.

谚语二十五: 二十四

Survival...

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

My mother-in-law is visiting for a long weekend. I would love to hear some of your best mother-in-law stories to help me through these next few days.

As for the definition of "best?" Well... I'll leave that up to y'all.

Great Children's Books for Thanksgiving

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

With Thanksgiving just three weeks away, I thought I'd share some of my favorite children's picture books about this holiday. If y'all haven't guessed by now, I adore children's literature. We own an embarrassing number of picture books, mostly dating from my days as a teacher. I'm hoping this early list will give you a chance to check out one or two of these from your local library. And please add your suggestions... I know we all would appreciate it!

I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Pie by Allison Jackson. A most engaging and silly book about Thanksgiving dinner, I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Pie puts a dizzying spin on the beloved cumulative, rhyming song "I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly." A relative's supernatural appetite alternately alarms the adult hosts and delights the giggling children. In the end, her girth increases so much, she joins the Macy's Day Parade... as a gigantic balloon.

Giving Thanks: The 1621 Harvest Feast by Kate Waters. Kate Waters and photographer Russ Kendall, in cooperation with Plimoth Plantation, created this beautiful photo-journal about the first Thanksgiving feast, alternating between the stories of Dancing Moccasins, a 14-year-old Wampanoag boy, and Resolved White, a six-year-old Puritan boy. The two boys feel cautiously curious about each others culture before their two communities come together for the first Thanksgiving meal.

Stone Soup by Marcia Brown. Three hungry soldiers, carrying nothing but an empty pot, come upon a village, hoping that the villagers will provide them with a meal. The villagers, struggling to feed themselves, hide their food instead of sharing with the strangers. And so begins the tale of Stone Soup, where the three travelers trick an entire village into creating a delicious and nourishing soup from one single stone. Although this classic, award-winning picture book in no way references the Thanksgiving holiday, it does illustrate some of the core values of the holiday, including sharing, community and potluck feasts.

Duck for Turkey Day by Jacqueline Jules. This gentle reminder about multicultural traditions during an all-American holiday follows a young Vietnamese girl who feels nervous about telling her classmates that her family ate duck, rather than turkey, for Thanksgiving dinner. A beaming smile appears, however, when she learns that many of her classmates dined on dishes like enchiladas, tofu turkey and lamb.

The Night Before Thanksgiving by Natasha Wing. Based on C. Clement Moore's famous Christmas poem, this whimsical story follows a family through traditional, yet realistic Thanksgiving activities, including watching the Macy's Day Parade on television, polishing silverware, greeting the cousins and asking a million times, "can we eat yet?"

Why We Have Thanksgiving by Margaret Hillert. This is one of my momma's favorite Thanksgiving books because it clearly explains, in an age-appropriate way, how the first Thanksgiving came about and why we continue to celebrate it today. Even young preschoolers will be able to follow this easy-to-read fictional retelling of the journey of the Pilgrims to the New World, their struggles during the first year and the celebration of the first Thanksgiving.

Giving Thanks: A Native American Good Morning Message by Chief Jake Swamp. This book is another non-Thanksgiving holiday book that I feel is a good read during late November. The Chief of the Mohawk Nation adapted for children an ancient Iroquois message of thanksgiving that is delivered at the dawn of each new day as well as during special ceremonies. The messages expresses gratitude to Mother Earth; to water, grass, fruits and animals; to the wind and the rain; to the sun, moon and stars; to the Spirit Protectors of the past and present; and to the Great Spirit, giver of all.

This First Thanksgiving Day: A Counting Story by Laura Krauss Melmed. I adore this book not for the text, although it IS short and sweet, but for the gorgeous illustrations. The Tongginator loves looking for the hidden surprises on each page... not only did illustrator Mark Buehner hide a turkey (sometimes living, sometimes roasted) on every page, he also hid a corresponding number of forest animals for each numbered page, culminating in a long and hard search to find a dozen rabbits (and one mouse!) lurking under the tables on page 12. The story follows Wampanoag and Pilgrim friends preparing for and sharing a wonderful Thanksgiving feast.

Over the Rainbow (Words)

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Oh my goodness, y'all... thank you so much for the many words of advice. I've held this topic so close to my heart this week because we've been studying the Book of James with our church small group this fall. And this week's lesson? Was on taming the tongue (James 3:1-12).

So how do I avoid gossip... and sarcasm... and discouragement... and dishonesty... and all of those negative behaviors that come so naturally to me, especially when dealing with the dreaded Rainbow Word Competi-momma Situation?

The simple answer, of course, would be to just walk away from it, but of course we all know that "simple" is not always easy. Y'all helped me immensely, though, so I thank you for sharing your insights and advice. There was such a great amount of wisdom and experience, in fact, that I'm hoping y'all were able to spend some time checking out what others' had to say. I'm pretty sure that's an unrealistic hope, however, because - although I ALWAYS read comments left at Our Little Tongginator - I rarely have time to read comments on other people's blogs, even when I really, really want to. And I'm guessing that many of y'all are in a similar boat. But there were so many tidbits of wisdom in the comments from yesterday's post, I needed to at least encourage y'all to stop in and hear from some experts. Every single commenter gave me food for thought, but I wanted to highlight a few ideas that lingered in my mind for quite awhile, just in case that extra 15 minutes is impossible to find:

... This is something that will always be there. If not rainbow words, then dance, then where is she rated in her class, then what other teams does she play for, then what college is she going to...you get the idea ...

... I'm sure there are a couple of the Moms that feel the exact same way you do - have 'em over for coffee after the bus leaves and forget about the rest! ...

... There's always the blunt, "I prefer not to compare my child's progress to anyone else's; I think it feeds an unhealthy attitude." ...

... I would first try to give a non-conclusive answer like "Oh, we're happy with the progress she's making" and hope that that would clue in the other parent to back off. If they persist and push, then I would tell them the bold truth and they should just take that however they want it ...

... See - I'd turn the whole adoption answer on them... "Why do you ask?" ...

... I've now been on both sides of success in school (as most parents will be at some point) and it's tough ...

... I went to a competitive womens' college and was still figuring out how I was doing, if I was up to snuff. When the exam came back, I asked a classmate, "How did you do?" She replied, "I did fine." I was floored. What do I do with that? What's "fine"?? Is her definition of "fine" the same as mine?? And that is how the next 4 years went. Students didn't share grades, they weren't posted publicly, and that left everyone to essentially compete with themselves, recognize when they were doing their best, and judge for themselves what was "fine." I think that kind of internal competition and evaluation is much more effective and useful, and it has served me well ever since. And I hope (I am trying!) I am raising my girls to be similarly motivated ...

... I wouldn't go back and say that she struggles in other areas. I had a Mom who did that, and it didn't help my self-esteem when it got back to me from the parents talking to their kids about things I wasn't good in ...

Thanks so much, y'all, for sharing your wisdom and humor with me. I don't know how this will play out in real life. (Wouldn't it be funny if not one single person asks me this question again? I mean, now that I'm better prepared for it. Heh.) But I feel like I learned a ton from y'all and can't thank you enough. Keep it coming if you think of anything new.

And - just so you know - yesterday's ~~comments~~ community? It's a major reason why I blog.

Blame the Full Moon... or Rainbows

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

This blog post brought to you by Day Light Savings Time, Halloween candy sugar-shock withdrawal and the full moon.

Yesterday I volunteered in the Tongginator's classroom... again. When I walked in the door, I noticed that Ms. Confetti looked as if some tattooed, big belt buckled truck driver ran a semi over her body... twice. I didn't know why for the first two seconds or so, but then I figured it out. Pretty rapidly, I might add. Especially when Ms. Confetti asked me, while striving to avoid pulling out ALL of her hair, "is it a full moon tonight?"

Because the children? They were hooligans. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

I have another problem, however. And it's one where I come off sounding like an obnoxious momma. You know the kind of obnoxious I mean: prideful, snobby, braggadocios and all sorts of insufferable-ness (if that's even a word... IS it a word?). But I don't really know how else to navigate this situation, so I'd love a ton of advice, even if I DO sound obnoxious. It's all about Rainbow Words.

RAINBOW WORDS, y'all.

Who knew that phrase would strike fear into the hearts of many a momma? Or that such a phrase even existed? You see, the Tongginator's school uses the Rainbow Word system when teaching its kindergartners to read. Every child starts out on the color red and then moves up the rainbow as they learn new words, using the Open Court and Dolch Sight Word lists. Thankfully, the children are pretty clueless about who is on what color, but the parents... oh, the parents.

I believe I've mentioned the competi-mommas before.

A vast majority of the kindergarten mommas seem to know which child is on which color at all times. "So-and-so is on blue!" Or the dreaded alternative, "you know (shaking her head), so-and-so's son is STILL on orange." It's pretty darn disgusting, y'all. I've had moms come out and directly ask me the Tongginator's rainbow color. At first, I would just smile and say, "I'm not sure." But... the thing is... they knew I was lying.

Because the entire reading curriculum of kindergarten is set up so that the parents know whether their child is on red, orange, yellow, green, blue or purple. Unfortunately, a lot of the parents forget that the colors other peoples' children are on is pretty much irrelevant to their lives.

Which means I seriously don't know what to do beyond avoiding the offenders... which is, like, more than half of the kindergarten parents. Except it's kinda hard to avoid them at the bus stop. And at the school when I'm volunteering. And in the neighborhood, since five kindergartners live on our street. If I answer with a "we're focusing on the process," I come off sounding sanctimonious. If I give a non-response response, they know I'm pretty much lying. And yet if I actually share the truth, I sound like The Most Obnoxious Mom To Ever Walk The Earth.

Because the Tongginator?

Is not doing Rainbow Words anymore. She's reading Freckle Juice by Judy Blume at the moment. And I don't exactly know how to deal with the competi-mommas who seem set on establishing a pecking order. Because the Tongginator is wicked smart in some areas, but totally delayed in others. And I've always been comfortable with that fact.

I've had to be.

My child is my child is my child. She's highly verbal... and pretty much a total klutz. She's a social butterfly with a huge personality... yet she's also a child who is much less independent than her peers. She's reading on a second grade level... but she can't zip up her own pants. She's the Tongginator. And I love her.

I do not, however, love this competi-momma stuff. I feel ill-equipped. And I'd love some advice. So please, talk amongst yourselves. Whine, kvetch, offer advice, anything.

I'm listening.

Happy Halloween

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Time for the obligatory cuteness that sugar shocks us all on the days following Halloween. (Because it couldn't possibly be those two ~~dozen~~ Snickers bars I snuck from the Tongginator's stash. Because I totally wouldn't do that. Because that would be dishonest. And kinda immature. And, seeing as how I'm a momma, I'm supposed to avoid immaturity.)

I'm kinda limited with this post because, frankly, I don't have all that many stories this year. Which feels extremely weird, especially since last Halloween we dealt with an Edvard Munch Scream zombie look-alike and I narrowly avoided introducing Sarah Palin to The Bird. Plus, we were booed. This year? No one booed us. (I know! What is WITH people? I'm *sniff, sniff* so hurt.) Neither did the Tongginator freak out looking at any of the scary Halloween costumes or decorations. And we managed to avoid any and all front porch drama.

So, all in all, a pretty boring holiday compared with past Halloweens. I totally should have allowed the Tongginator to wear the costume she wanted to wear. Because the Tongginator as Medusa? Would have provided much blog fodder. Instead I convinced her to go for her second choice, the ever-ubiquitous Princess. Named Jenny. (And no, I have No Idea where she arrived at the name Jenny.) Alas, the Tongginator was simply one among the crowd. But at least her head piece wasn't eating people or hissing.

And she managed to add a little Tongginator swagger to an otherwise elegant ensemble. She likes to call this her Fierce Walk. As I'm sure y'all already knew.

Our only excitement for the night? Happened on my neighbor Apple's front porch. About 15 seconds after I shot this photo.

Amid the Halloween Hysteria that typically descends upon otherwise well-mannered children, the Tongginator somehow ended up nudged off of Apple's front porch, suffering the indignity of falling into and sitting atop some bushes, with no way to push herself out of their Evil Clutches. And no, I did NOT get a photo. Shame on you for even asking that.

But only because that question totally makes me feel like a bad blogger. (Darn it.)

The candy is already pretty much gone, but only because the very famous Candy Fairy likes to stop by our place on Halloween Night, trading piles of candy for a much-desired gift. I thought the husband and I were Absolutely Brilliant for writing to the Candy Fairy until Fin and Nemo's momma Dory told me their Evil And Nefarious Plot. In order to help their children avoid lugging such Heavy Candy Bags around, Dad Marlin plans the route with care, creating many convenient stops at their house to lighten the candy load. The girls don't pay much attention to their piles, since they're already thinking about the next run. So the candy? That delicious candy the girls worked so hard for? Much of it gets recycled right out their front door when other trick-or-treaters appear.

Like I said... Absolutely Brilliant.

So what do y'all do with the overload of sweets and tarts and all things chocolate?

Sunday Linkage

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:10:00 +0000

As always, I don't necessarily agree or disagree with these links, but I believe they are important to consider. For those of you new around here, I'm an adoptive momma. Each Sunday I try to post links relevant to the China- adoptive community. I read some of these linkage posts while nodding my head in agreement... others stretch my mind as I seek to understand. Always, always, I consider them.

Destroying the Past -- adoptive momma (China) Malinda at China Adoption Talk... destroying information, even out of concern for our children, seems wrong, especially when we have so little information to begin with

Sung Ae Won Orphanage -- adult adoptee (Korea) Kim at The Land of the Morning Calm... a visit to her brother's orphanage brings about a life-altering decision

"Ni Hao, Jade-Lianna:" GeekDad Interviews the Voice of Kai-Lan -- Asian-American artist and stay-at-home dad Jonathan Liu, who regularly blogs at Rainy Bay Art, at Geek Dad, Wired Magazine... an interview with Chinese adoptee Jade-Lianna, who plays Kai-Lan [HAT TIP to Straight Talk]

Cause and Effect -- adoptive dad (China) Johnny at So it's come down to this... adoption corruption and the part adoptive parents play within the circle

Real -- adoptive momma (Ethiopia and domestic) Jenny at Real Mama... the first of many times she'll hear this question: "is he your real brother?"

Adoption: The Same, But Different? -- adult adoptee (domestic) Phil at finding jane doe... not better or worse, but different?

Untitled -- adoptive momma (China) Sister Carrie at Jiaozi... her daughter, adopted at an older age, describes orphanage life to her mom

Ask and Tell -- first mother Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land... a recent job interview brings up the role adoption plays in her life

Rescued from Buddhism: A Brief History of the Christian Adoption Movement -- adoptive momma (China) Jess at O Solo Mama... a concise, yet detailed history of the Christian adoption movement

Sunday Scripture

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:00:00 +0000

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they
put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.

Matthew 5:15

人点灯, 不放在斗底下, 是放在灯台上, 就照亮一家的人.

马太福音五: 十五

Yoozing... What?

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Those of you who homeschool will feel really, really good about your decision right about now. Because look what the Tongginator arrived home with today...

Her teacher Ms. Confetti sent a quickly jotted note home with said paper, assuring me that the Tongginator created this masterpiece all on her own, during free play. And no, the Tongginator had no plans at all beyond "yoozing" ... something. What, she did not know. And then - completely ignoring the horrified look on her momma's face - the Tongginator turned the screws tighter by saying, "remind me again... what's jail?"

After nearly having a heart attack, I told her it was like adult time out. I mean, really, what else could I say?

My only thought is that - if she's already plotting her escape from jail as a five-year-old - the husband and I had better start saving our money now. We're gonna need a small fortune for an excellent defense attorney. And the million dollar question roiling through my brain at the moment?

What crime do y'all think she's most likely to commit?

Holey Holy Moley

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Yesterday I went shopping, y'all. Oh yes, I did. (Mom, you can pick yourself up off the floor now.) Mrs. R dragged me along to a few stores because A) we had some time to kill and B) I ratted myself out (why, oh why, did I DO that?!?!!), informing her that my sock drawer? It is pathetic. Like, I steal my husband's socks (and... shh... sometimes even his shoes) pathetic.

Although I prefer to avoid the word pathetic. I rather like to think of my socks as ~~holey~~ Holy.

Anyways, Mrs. R and I went sock shopping. Yes, I know... an absolutely thrilling way to spend a Wednesday afternoon. Our quest landed us in three different stores, where I purchased 20 - TWENTY! - pairs of socks for a grand total that exceeded $60.

(Can you believe I spent over $60 on SOCKS?!?!!)

(And can you believe that I am actually writing a post about it?)

But I have a point. A point about my new, non-holey socks. Mrs. R found some absolutely outrageous, fuzzy, hot pink socks that she declared a Must Buy. "The Tongginator will adore these, " she said. I told Mrs. R that the socks would be on my feet and, therefore, virtually unnoticeable, even by my three-foot-something Resident Expert of The Pink Patrol.

Oh, how wrong was I. I am sad to say that Mrs. R knows my daughter better than I do.

The Tongginator fell in LOVE with my new socks. She flipped over their delicious hot pink color. She caressed their fuzzy feel. She adored their smell. She felt SO crazy about them, in fact, that she continually rubbed her face all over them. Oh yes, she did.

(Did I happen to mention that I was wearing said socks at the time?)

(Because I totally was.)

(And if any of y'all were wondering about sensory-seeking smelling behaviors... this would be a good example of it. I mean, just in case you were wondering.)

Cherished Photos

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Today's carnival at Grown In My Heart asks us to post some of our most treasured adoption photos. I hope y'all will participate because - while I know that many of y'all are excellent photographers - I know that ALL of us remember those precious moments in time that occurred in our lives as a result of adoption. We may recall some moments filled with joy, while others might help us look back on how far we've come. No matter the emotions expressed, nor the stage of your journey, let's share these moments with one another!

Here are a few of my most cherished adoption photographs, not because of how they look, but because of how I feel when I look at them...

the first steps we took on a lifelong adoption journey

China Cousins reunion in Chicago, 18 months after adoption...
all five girls were born within a month of each other and were
adopted from the Tonggu Orphanage on the same day (isn't it
absolutely precious that my T and Red Fish are holding hands?)

precious friendships with other girls adopted from China...

oh, how blessed I feel to know the Tongginator's (and
now my!) Mandarin teacher, Shanghai Sweetie

two generations of international adoption within the family:
my cousin Sleeping Beauty with my daughter the Tongginator

Please link up over at Grown In My Heart so that I can share in your precious memories, too.

SPD And Me

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Now that we're into the last week of October, I thought I'd stop procrastinating and write a few posts about Sensory Processing Disorder. I mean, y'all DID know that October is Sensory Processing Disorder Awareness month, RIGHT?

*gasp* You mean you DIDN'T?? Well, you do now. Although I suspect a few of you are totally scratching your heads at the moment, asking yourselves, "umm... what the heck IS sensory processing disorder?" Well, I happen to be a pretend expert, seeing as how I have it, as does my daughter, my nephew, my brother-in-law and quite possibly even my maternal grandma. Because there totally has to be a label for my grandma's special brand of wackiness. And please ignore the fact that I sport her same label. Because - despite evidence to the contrary - I am NOT wacky.

Much.

Anyways, last October I blogged quite a bit about sensory processing disorder because Our Little Tongginator is primarily an adoption blog and - surprise! - children who experience international adoption often struggle with sensory issues. That's because, as evidenced by my wacky family tree, SPD is genetic, running in families, but it also tends to appear in premature babies, children who experience stress in utero and children who were internationally adopted.

Why?

Because the nervous system develops throughout a mother's pregnancy, plus it continues to grow and form during the first year of life. And if a child doesn't receive adequate stimulation during those formative months, the nervous system doesn't always form as well as it could. Our Tongginator, whom we adopted at just under a year, was diagnosed with severe sensory delays at 13 months of age, then later received a diagnosis of sensory processing disorder.

So what did those sensory delays look like when we first arrived home?

Well, let me preface this by saying that sensory issues look different for EVERY person, although most people with SPD do struggle with tactile issues. Our little Tongginator is mostly a sensory-seeker, although she is sensory-avoidant in some ways. Taking my cues from Colleen, I thought I would list some of the issues we faced that directly related to the Tongginator's SPD:

low muscle tone
extreme oral defensiveness
strong desire or need to feel dizzy
delayed gross motor skills
delayed fine motor skills
extreme tactile defensiveness
self-stimulatory behaviors
high pain tolerance
under-responsive to sights and sounds, unless startled - and then over-responsive
strong desire to smell objects
lack of body awareness and body positioning

Umm... yeah... now y'all are thinking, 'that's a lot of nonsense words, TM. And I have no idea what they mean.' So let me describe them a bit, at least when it comes to our Tongginator.

Our Tongginator had (and still struggles a bit with) low muscle tone. The best way to describe it is to call her a "floppy" child. She had a significant head lag even at twelve months. Her arms and legs would just flop down if you raised them, then let go. Her core muscle strength was almost non-existent, causing her to truncate (sit with her hands braced against her feet to support her body) rather than to sit upright.

sitting versus truncating: RedFish and the Tongginator in Nanchang

Extreme oral defensiveness... I cannot even begin to tell you how this phrase causes horrific flashbacks. To quote an occupational therapist within our county's early intervention program, the Tongginator was "THE most orally defensive child I have ever seen." At 13 months of age, the Tongginator could not drink thin liquids, only formula that had been rice-flaked to death. She could not handle solid foods that didn't match the consistency of said Rice Flake Formula. And the Tongginator, being the Tongginator, would rather go on a Three Day Hunger Strike than drink formula that contained slightly fewer rice flakes as compared to the day before. It took six weeks and lots of therapy and grit to rid the Tongginator of rice flakes in her formula. The Tongginator also rejected anything placed in her mouth that was not Already Approved Tongginator Food... this included teethers, infant or toddler toothbrushes, medicine droppers, infant or toddler eating utensils (including chopsticks), straws and sippy cups, toys, and on and on. Interestingly enough, once we overcame the Tongginator's oral defensiveness, she began to crave strong flavors and textures in her mouth. The child is now obsessed with foods and chewing and all things oral, except for dentist visits, which continue to be a nightmare.

She has always shown a strong desire for or need to feel dizzy. As a baby, she often flung herself backwards while in our arms so that she could hang upside down, then feel a rush as we raised her up again. She spent hours in a doorway jumper, riding her rocking horse and spinning round and round on her sit-n-spin. I used to spend many an afternoon with her at the local playground, pushing her on the swings. The Tongginator also spent her first few months with us head banging both us and objects. And, when she could finally walk, she would spin around in circles with her arms spread wide for long, LONG periods of time. Now? She swings every morning before school. She asks for us to hang her upside down and to "squeeze my head, please, Momma." All of those things help her to concentrate.

playing the upside-down game with
Tonggu Daddy in the Tokyo Airport

Sensory kids often display delayed gross motor and fine motor skills. Now, it's difficult to know what is an institutional delay and what is sensory, but extreme delays are something to check out, regardless of the cause. The Tongginator did not roll over until 12 months of age, crawled at 15 months and walked at almost 19 months. She did not even begin to consider possibly attempting to self-feed until she was almost 14 months old. We still cope with motor planning issues, which means the Tongginator struggles to figure out how to PLAN movement. Pedaling? Confused her for a very long time. Swimming? Still working on that one. Her fine motor skills are also still delayed, mostly because she can't figure out how to exert enough force to do certain things, including buttons, zippers, opening up a child gate and such. She possesses excellent handwriting because it doesn't involve too much push/ pull effort, but she does often complain of hand pain because she presses her pencil too hard into the paper.

Our Tongginator also displayed extreme tactile defensiveness. She hated skin-to-skin contact, and not simply because of attachment issues. The Tongginator pretty much loathed anything touching her skin unless it was 100% cotton, including water, the wind, another person, carpet, wood floors, grass... well, you get the idea. Diaper changes, bath time and pretty much anytime was fairly horrific our first two months home. We ended up dressing her in long pants with long sleeves for several months, even though it was spring and summer in the Washington, DC area. We bought a second wipes warmer, so that we could gently heat lotion in it before applying it to her skin. It took several months of daily exposure to help the Tongginator overcome most of her tactile defensiveness. We still accommodate in some areas. For example, the only tights and panties she wears are from Hanna; we purchase seamless socks; she wears dresses most of the time because she hates feeling constricted around her waist; I could go on and on. Don't even get me started about the potty training. Oy vey. I once wrote a hysterical post entitled "The Ebb and Flow of Pee," only the husband wouldn't allow me to publish it.

Sniff. Sniff.

As for self-stimulatory behaviors? That's basically a nice way of saying that the Tongginator enjoyed hurting herself. She comforted herself by banging her head into walls or furniture... by picking at her skin (especially her nail cuticles)... and by pulling her own hair. Obviously all of this means that she also has a high tolerance for pain. And illness. Only once has my Tongginator ever clung to me while sick. Turns out she had strep throat, a double ear infection and a urinary tract infection all at once. Poor little gal.

In terms of sights and sounds, the Tongginator showed a strange mix of under-responsiveness and over-responsiveness to life happening around her. For over a year, I took the Tongginator to either the local playground, on a play date or to the tot lot inside our local mall every blessed day.

EVERY BLESSED DAY, Y'ALL.

(Did y'all know that I absolutely loathe the mall?)

The Tongginator craved the busyness of people going to and fro. She loved action and wanted to be in the center of it all. She could not... function, for lack of a better word... if we hung out around the house for even one day. Our first two years home, I planned our days in much the same way that I once created lesson plans for my classes. However - and this is a big however - she did NOT like loud, repetitive noises such as smoke detectors, the microwave timer, a fire alarm and on and on. If those things occurred, she often returned to the hand flapping, rocking, self-stimulating behaviors that once were so prevalent. I can't tell you the number of times complete strangers (and one idiot nurse) asked me, "is your daughter autistic?" during our first year home.

The Tongginator loves to smell things. Not every child with sensory issues focuses on smells, but - for the Tongginator - this is THE number one issue. The Tongginator loves to smell everything, even stinky things. She finds comfort in smells. I remain convinced that the Tongginator fell in love with her cherished Doggy because Doggy arrived in a package containing a perfumed sachet.

with her beloved Doggy

She continues to struggle with body positioning and awareness. In other words, the girl walks into walls, falls off chairs and trips over her own two feet, just like her momma. She also took forever to learn how to dress herself and still can't quite manage some fine motor tasks, including (hurray!) child gates. She often drops things or slams things down too hard. She craves her special, sensory Tongginator sandwiches. She basically loses track of where her body is in space.

Then again, so does her momma.

There are many more sensory issues that the Tongginator struggles with, but those are the most memorable. SPD is a spectrum, ranging from mild to severe... while the Tongginator is now on the mild to moderate side of things, please understand, y'all, that our experiences during our first year home were some of the most challenging our social worker had ever seen. Add attachment issues, the failure to thrive crud and my depression to these sensory challenges... and... well... it was a lot. But it was ALL worth it.

Because the Tongginator is worth it.

Chopping Down a Tree

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

This past Saturday, I told my Mandarin teacher that I was chopping down a tree. She responded by asking me a question in Mandarin, then switching to English when she saw the blank look on my face. (It took all of my memorization skills to make the statement; no way could I understand and respond to a question ... but I digress.)

Her follow-up question, said first in Mandarin and then in English, seemed - to me - to appear from nowhere. "Were your trees damaged because of all the rain this week?" Another blank look and a rather eloquent response from yours truly, "Huh?" She started chuckling ... again ... and asked me, "What did you think you said?"

Sigh. I thought I told her that I was reading a book. I mixed up my tones as usual. Kan4 Shu1 -- reading a book. Kan3 Shu4 -- chopping down a tree. I doubt I'll ever master Mandarin, but I've definitely mastered the art of the blank stare.

Sunday Linkage

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:10:00 +0000

As always, I don't necessarily agree or disagree with these links, but I believe they are important to consider. For those of you new around here, I'm an adoptive momma. Each Sunday I try to post links relevant to the China- adoptive community. I read some of these linkage posts while nodding my head in agreement... others stretch my mind as I seek to understand. Always, always, I consider them.

Risk -- adult adoptee (Taiwan) Mei-Ling at Exile of Xingnan... thoughts after sharing her very personal adoption story

"How's Your Heart?:" Filling My Adopted Child's Heart -- adoptive momma (Ethiopia) Lisa at the group adoption blog Grown In My Heart... describing what she terms "mother love" and her daughter's tremendous need for it

simplify -- adoptive momma (China) Stefanie at the group China-adoption special needs blog No Hands But Ours... after reading book after book and blog post after blog post about transracial adoption, one mom wonders, "are we making adoption too complicated?"

I'm Asian. Therefore My Eyes Are "Broken" and Ugly. -- adult adoptee (Korea) 윤선 (Yoon Seon) at 안녕습니다 (annyong seumnida): My adventures as a Korean adoptee... a letter to the adoptive parent who recently (horrifically!) chose elective blepharoplasty surgery for his young daughter

Identification and identity -- adoptive momma (domestic, open, transracial) Shannon at Peter's Cross Station... a recent drawing by her daughter brings back memories of a conversation she had pre-adoption with an adoptive parent

How Will I Look When I Get Old -- adult adoptee (Korea) kateiskate at The Queen of Denial... wondering how her appearance will change as she ages

Abandonment -- executive director of Love Without Boundaries Amy at A Life of Giving... showing, through personal experience, how simple, one line sentences don't adequately explain a personal life event that is often very complex

Devil's Advocate -- adoptive momma (China) AmFam at American Family... more thoughts about the adoptive parent who chose elective blepharoplasty surgery for his young daughter

Quoted -- adult adoptee (Korea) Sang-Shil at Land of the Not-So-Calm... quoting Chris Lu, assistant to President Obama and Cabinet Secretary, about Saturday Chinese classes

A screaming indictment of my family's apathy, ignorance or selfish insensitivity because we chose to strip each of our children of her identity prior to renaming her -- adoptive momma (China) Donna at Double Happiness... on feeling attacked and/or defensive about certain hot button adoption topics, including renaming

Sunday Scripture

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 17: 22

喜乐的心, 乃是良药; 忧伤的灵, 使骨枯干.

谚语十七: 二十二

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

Taking a Break This Week...

Sunday Linkage

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 07:05:00 +0000

As always, I don't necessarily agree or disagree with these links, but I believe they are important to consider. For those of you new around here, I'm an adoptive momma. Each Sunday I try to post links relevant to the China- adoptive community. I read some of these linkage posts while nodding my head in agreement... others stretch my mind as I seek to understand. Always, always, I consider them.

Holding On -- adoptive momma (China) Sara at Football & Fried Rice... reflecting on the concepts of letting go and holding on, a momma acknowledges her mistakes with her daughter

Babies!!! -- adoptive momma (China) The Rumor Queen at China Adopt Talk... a list of blog links to families who recently received referrals from China's IA program

Walking the Talk -- adult adoptee (Taiwan) Mei-Ling at Shadow Between Two Worlds... on how much more difficult it is to walk the talk as an adoptive parent (be sure to read the comments, too)

An Open Dialogue: I'm There. Are You? -- adoptive momma (Korea) Carissa writing at the group adoption blog Grown In My Heart... frustrated with personal and general attacks within the adoption blogging world, Carissa asks others within the triad to foster behaviors that encourage an open dialogue

Adoptee Anger and Its Purpose -- adult adoptee (domestic) Amy Adoptee at Adoption and Its Triad... and this is why I heart Amy Adoptee

You just cannot make this stuff up!!! -- waiting to adopt (China) madduchess at the disloyal subject of the red queen... a recent conversation a friend had with a China-adoptive family leavens her (and me!) stunned and furious

"Abandonment:" A Disconnect in Adoption -- first mother Cedar at On a Little Island in the Pacific: An Adoption Blog... discussing the implications (and oftentimes inaccurate use of) the term abandoned - a must-read, but quite academic, so drink your morning cup of coffee first

Inappropriate adoption stuff that's true whether we like it or not -- adoptive momma (China) Jessica Pegis at O Solo Mama... discussing commonly heard questions or remarks about adoption, including a link to her recent post Adoption: On the Real Parents

If I Was Different, Would You Have Kept Me? -- adult adoptee (Korea) 윤선, Yoon Seon, at 안녕습니다! (annyong seumnida) My Adventures as a Korean Adoptee... on how it feels to live life believing that the society of your birth rejected you

Racial Insults: "I'm Used to It" -- adoptive momma (China) Malinda at China Adoption Talk... a recent conversation with her eight-year-old daughter about another girl at ballet who used racial slurs

Sunday Scripture

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

It is not yet time for the message to come true, but that time is coming soon; the message will come true. It may seem like a long time, but be patient and wait for it, because it will surely come; it will not be delayed.

Habakkuk 2:3

因为这默示有一定的日期, 快要应验, 并不虚谎. 虽然迟延, 还要等候. 因为必然临到, 不再迟延.

哈巴谷书二: 三

Today I Will...

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:24:00 +0000

... spend the entire morning dressed in pajamas because the Tongginator does not have school - which totally stinks because it's a furlough day for the teachers. And the Tongginator's teacher? Is a single mom with two children who hasn't received a raise in a dozen years because of budget constraints. And this year she won't even get a cost of living raise. AND one of her children is turning 18 next month, which means child support payments will stop, but her daughter won't graduate from high school until June. To teachers everywhere: I am So. Very. Sorry. that we in American society treat our educators so poorly. I think I will go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.

... take a nap because Tonggu Grammy just picked up the Tongginator for a fun-filled weekend with grandparental units and one M&M (note to others: M&M is the Tongginator's three-year-old cousin).

... feel intense joy that others FINALLY stop asking me why I look so pale and tired. Four days of antibiotics? Works!

... thank God for all y'all who sent love and hugs to Rosie's family, friends and neighbors. This was a tough week to get through, so I thank y'all for putting up with my non-blog visiting and complete lack of response to your comments. I read and appreciated every single one. And I'll be back next week a tad bit more together... I hope?

One Year Ago...

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

One year ago today, my dear friend Rosie left this earth after a long battle with breast cancer. In remembrance of her, I'm sharing a poem, with permission, written by Rosie's sister-in-law. Because I still have no words...

Today I Left

Today I left my children
with my neighbor down the street.
I needed something from the store
and they've been very sweet.
The special play dates for the kids,
so I could get some rest;
The dinners made with loving care,
that made us feel so blessed;
The sacrifices that they've made;
the kindnesses they've shown;
Have been the hand of God to us
when we've felt all alone.

Today I left my children
with my friend from long ago.
I thought I'd get some housework done,
but now I just don't know.
I haven't felt quite like myself;
I've not been up to par;
Yet she has stood strong by my side,
despite how hard things are.
I thank God for her hopeful words.
She knows just what to say.
We ask God for His healing touch,
together, as we pray.

Today I left my children
with my sister, dear and true.
I know she'll take good care of them
"almost" just as I do.
As truly grateful as I am,
as comforting that be,
I miss my children and their smiles
and I know that they miss me.
This isn't supposed to be this way.
This isn't what I'd choose.
But this battle is now mine
and I'm fighting not to lose.

Today I left my children
with my mother, bless her heart.
She knows that I'm not doing well;
it's tearing her apart.
Another drug, another nap,
another round of pain.
Always hoping, never knowing
if things will be the same.
I know that she would take this burden
from me if she could;
To bear my suffering instead
as any mother would.

Today I left my children
with my husband, dressed in black.
Today I left my children
and I am not coming back.
This man, who never earned this fate,
was everything to me.
And now, somehow, with God, he must
both father and mother be.
I'm sure they'll be well cared for;
well loved they'll be, I know.
But I'm supposed to be the one.
I do not want to go.

Today I left my children
with my Savior, now I live.
I trust Him, but I feel that I
had so much more to give.
I know that I'll be with them
every moment of each day.
I know I'll share each joy and sorrow
with them, but will they?
A grand design He has for us.
I believe what I've been told.
And I'll be praying with them
when they want their Mom to hold.

the author: Rosie's sister-in-law and Ring's sister, with her youngest

Yodeling, Anyone?

tonggumomma@gmail.com (a Tonggu Momma) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:00:00 +0000

So I might have failed to mention that we have a few new neighbors. This summer three new families moved into three houses on our street. And one of the families? Happens to be German. So guess what our neighborhood did for Oktoberfest?

I think this photo sums it up. And yes, I totally have his permission to post this, although that fact stuns me as well. And, for the record, this isn't the husband nor our neighbor Ring. Just so you know. (You can say thank you now, TD and Ring.)

What's the craziest costume y'all ever wore?