Our Own Hands

Marriage Equality Lost Opportunity

2015-06-24T15:16:00.001+01:00

This Saturday, 27 June 2015, I believe there will be the biggest and most amazing Gay Parade ever seen in Ireland. How can it not be after the Marriage Referendum was passed. I watched the debates, listened to points of views and read the articles and the posters and even had conversations of my

own on marriage equality and it was so amazing how passionate everyone was were they stood on the debate. The most amazing conversations I had were with my kids and a few of their friends. Regardless of where everyone stood it was clear the country was engaged in one of the biggest life changing (legally changing too) path of all generations. I learnt a great deal and it was very encouraging to see how everyone was involved in some way in the conversations that were being held.

Only one area left me concerned, the reaction and involvement of organisations that represent immigrants in Ireland. Some supported without question the YES/NO campaign and even had the messages on their websites. Others remained quite and said nothing either way. I felt let down by all these stances because nobody took the time to start the debate within the immigrant population. The ones that didn't state where they stood did so not to rock the boat by saying YES and losing their members and not saying NO because the organisation would be seen as homophobic and possibly cost them their funding. Those that said NO did so because they believe their members and groups they work with for religious and cultural reasons were mostly going for the NO and others supported the YES campaign to encourage immigrants to vote YES.

None of the groups even thought of starting a conversation on where everyone stood and why. As an immigrant myself I was involved in conversations that didn't get media coverage because no one took them there, but conversations non the less which talked about cultural, religious and other beliefs that supported their decision which was mostly NO. As a parent I know most of other parents didn't have conversations with their children, same as in some Irish families too, but mostly gave their opinion or it never came up. For a lot of young people they got caught in the fault line that was created between the two sides. In school and college they spent the day creating YES campaign fliers and in Church, Synagogue, Mosque the preacher told them to vote NO. There was no one to go to and discuss why either answer was the one or why they had to choose one over the other besides it being what the referendum was asking of them. Some youths within the immigrant community were grappling with their own sexual identities or even just trying to understand what the big deal is about being gay or being heterosexual had no platforms. The grown ups decreed their positions and their role was to just follow.

Migrant representative groups lost a chance to not only engage the youths but to get their parents to even start the conversation on the subject of sexuality and to share views in a safe and non judgemental space. A lot like me come from countries where being gay is illegal and unacceptable. Here in Ireland in 1993 being gay was decriminalised and yet it took 22 years to get to having a referendum on gay marriage. Even after all these years the NO side had a huge support base too and no one took that for granted. It would have been a great opportunity to get those of us who never even thought a conversation could be had on the subject to start having it. Now the law is set and I wonder how many within those communities have been pushed further into hiding because most if not all around them still don't understand anything to do with sexuality or sexual identity. How much longer is it going to take to find it normal to see two gay couples coming out of a Mosque or gay couples of African descent?

The conversations even took a racist vibe that no group took time to address. I'm not sure whether they were aware of it but if they were not it's worrying since they represent groups that would be affected by racism. It went both ways of course with some comparing inter race marriage to gay marriage. In some cases native Irish people would say to non Irish campaigners that they should not be involved in the YES campaign because it was not a race issue. Or like one person said to me someone said to them "I don't know if you can read but do you realise you are campaigning for gay people to marry and your culture doesn't support this. You need to be involved in a campaign on racism. I know a few groups that do work on racism and I can give you their contact details". The campaigner is not gay but they were in favour passing the bill.

The current situation is such that now gay people can marry but I know from interacting with youth workers that a lot of people from the immigrant communities especially young people find it hard to even call in for support or help let alone talk about their sexuality openly. How much has the stance of these groups further damaged an already fragile situation? I don't know if it's possible to start the conversation now post the referendum but I strongly feel something needs to be done. I know it is going to be harder to start work on this now but it can't be left like this. If we are saying all of our children should have a better future we should work at making it an equal one too.

What Name Should I Answer To?

2014-03-25T15:52:00.001+00:00

Recently in Ireland there seems to be an urgency for people of African descent to not only need but to want really badly to have an umbrella name for themselves. Go into most public places in small or

Who?

even large numbers and the question asked is "So what do we call you?" Its a very loaded question and I don't know whether it's intrigue, curiosity, ignorance or pure laziness that's propelling this question to be thrown around. You see I grew up in a country which is inside a continent and I never used to define who I was beyond my name most times. Sometimes my surname would come in and other times where my father's ancestors were from with people asking for the exact place since from my words and accent there would be no mistake that I am Karanga. Kkkkk! That's taking you quite deep I know unless you are Zimbabwean and you get what that means. Since moving to Ireland I just say I am Zimbabwean and that's it. Few times people with a broader understanding of the country would ask are you Shona or Ndebele and though I respond the response if you are Zimbabwean is as verge as saying I am African. It means a lot and it also means nothing.
We are from many countries people! Asking where African Leaders are in Ireland if someone is looking for a comment on an issue is ridiculous. I have been approached as "an African" to comment on issues in Somalia, Nigeria and even South Africa (of which the latter though being a neighbour of Zimbabwe) and have declined to comment. I refused because the subject wasn't on say economic issues, political decisions but mostly to do with tribal issues. I have no background to any of those subjects and wouldn't have a clue where to begin. Africa is at most seen as a country with many villages. This I have encountered on numerous occasions including one time when I was flying to Zimbabwe and the person at the check-in desk here in Ireland sent my bags to Ethiopia just because my plane was stopping over there. It took 2 weeks to get my backs and the holiday was almost over. On asking the answer was "Oh I thought Addis Abba was in Harare." Really! To think it took us approx 4hrs to get to Harare BY PLANE! Those things move at amazing speed and I wouldn't even want to contemplate the journey by car.

So now it seems were are here and we have to have a name. No other group of people is being asked to do that. Why is it so important for us people of African origin to have a singular name? Why can we not be say Zimbabwean, South African, Nigerian, Algerian, Egyptian etc? I probably shouldn't have added Algerians and Egyptians there because they are referred to as Arabs. Sometimes even they too dismay because they don't all come from Egypt or the Middle East. But then we have to assume they all speak Arabic and therefore they are the same, right? I wonder if there would be an Irish Pub in Zimbabwe if we insisted all people from Europe to just be European.

Because of this question "What do I call you?" a question I might add which is addressed at various people with no religious, political or national affiliation is one we are supposed to have agreed on and answer on the spot. The immediate answer for some has been African and others say Black and as it happens is not an agreed response. Other times I have said we are still working on it and haven't figured it out. Its amazing that regardless of getting a responses there is a puzzled look on the face of the person who'd have asked because they would have assumed by now we should have come up with an answer. Now I'm thinking why do I need to think about it. The identities that I have that I got or inherited from my foremothers and fathers should suffice. If you have ever asked that question or thought that ponder this. In most cultures if not all a child is born and given a name and that's the one they mostly live with till they die. At times some will prefer the short version of the name or part of it. Other times some change their name to something else all together. The point though is they are not pushed, compelled or forced. There certainly is no time frame for them to decide and since its one person involved the decision and choice is quite easy. No one is ever asked to rename themselves. It was tried during slavery, colonisation and many other times of oppression and it didn't improve humanity. It weakened it and took away the best of what was there such that up to today we are still trying to get it back.

There are two things that come to play in Ireland that is ignored by most who ask that question. One is we don't want to be turned into a village like what has been done with the African continent. Two is we all haven't acquired Irish Citizenship and some of us may never apply for it. Is the source of the issue that Ireland doesn't want naturalised citizens being called Irish? If so then it better look at coming up with a name for all of us not just those from a certain named continent. Like I have said many times if we lived in the UK we would be British and not English, Scottish etc. So lets come up with a name then and settle this. Asking for an African leader is no different from saying Mandela was the best person to ever come out of Africa. He was one of them, that is if you believe that he even made the pack.

Why is it so important that we be just one thing when we are not? Who is this meant to serve? Is this a conversation that only Ireland is having or is this a world wide thing? Regardless why do I need to be anything other than what I say I am? Is my identity too simplified that joining it up is going to boost it? I doubt very much because only I can know who I am and maybe a few people who truly would know me. St. Patrick's Day is a big celebration in many countries in the world how am I going to get my own version of St Patrick's Day ever acknowledged and celebrated if I am just lumped in a name? This whole conversation doesn't have any semblance of Ubuntu in it. I am because you are is a simple statement lets respect that and what it stands for. After all we can only give what we have and taking our individuality away is not going to solve anything except create more confused identities. Personally I am very happy just being me and if calling me Zimbabwean is too painful my just call me Neltah after all I do answer to that. Besides its hard enough having to carry the identity of your country of origin now you want to add a whole continent on it too?

The pride at being called Irish is one Irish people don't want to part with. They won't even let you go regardless of how diluted that link is to Ireland or how distant. Look at how Ireland has over many years claimed many American Presidents as one of them. The identity of being Irish is not just in the heart, its in the blood and the genes. It means everything! It's not just a name to be Irish, it's a statement, a salutation, a recognition, a religion, and affiliation, a nation, and individual and most of all an IDENTITY. It is an identity because IT IS BEING! With all the understanding of all that why can't I have that too. Why can't my being be what I say I am not what I am lumped into with others as being. Please release me from the shackles of forced identity that Ireland knows so well and just let me be me. After all I am more that just my appearance and my colour. So much more!

When A Black Girl Moves by Neltah Chadamoyo

2013-06-06T16:03:00.004+01:00

When a black girl moves she does it like no other
As each limp swings it's almost like telling a story
There is purpose and beauty
Its more than just getting one leg in from of the other
Its more than just going
Its an art that can get you lost in wonder

When a black girl moves
Its like pure gold both hard and fluid
In synch like nothing else ever seen

Its like an experiment that has never been done
And yet you do get to see
It's smoothness and hardness that only exists
When a black girls moves

She will put her right foot forward
He left one will liquidly follow
Its more than watching movement
Its like being in an orchestra
Listening to a symphony of angels
Which you watch but feel deeply
And only get the experience
When a black girl moves

Whether she is going very fast
Whether going very slow
And even when she is just strolling
She goes from fluid to hardness
As her limps take off and land on the ground
As if in flirtation with the ground beneath
And the ground in agreement flirting back
Because it too knows this only comes
When a black girl moves

The swing in her body can only be found in her
She goes with a joyous precision
That not even organised manufacturers can produce
For it is a form of movement
That is so unique
And can only be found
When a black girl moves

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

2013-05-17T16:50:00.001+01:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master;
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

Tomorrow's Work. Why Yesterday's Expectations Are Ruining Today's Future

2013-03-12T14:14:00.001+00:00

I found this video greatly informative. I have worked in various work plan spaces; open space, shared office, own office and I have to say I agree with what Ben Hammersley is saying here. Hope its helps you too and maybe you may get the guts to tell your boss either to watch or to change the set up.

I Am Not Natasha

2011-10-04T11:40:00.000+01:00

I read somewhere a long time ago that every sexual encounter changes a person. A book science book I read years ago claimed that every time human beings have sex produce the hormone oxytocin, also called bonding hormones, which bonds us emotionally to our sex partner. In women this hormone lasts for two weeks in system and in men it only lasts a couple of hours. Nobody knows how this affects women but we can only imagine that is it part of why being a prostitutes results in many mental health issues.

A while ago I went to see a photographic exhibition called ‘Not Natasha’ which portrayed the lives of girls and young women from Moldova the poorest country in Europe, who had been victims of trafficking into United Kingdom and some of whom had managed to go back home. The exhibition is part of the ‘Turn off the Red Lights’ campaign by Immigrants Council of Ireland in collaboration with FOMACS as well as The British Council and Dublin City Council. The images were very moving and the captions below each image mind blowing. Most of the time we see images of prostitutes so much that we don't see their vulnerability or their similarities to us. The way ‘Not Natasha’ images were taken is very moving and makes one think. They were taken in everyday places and are of people doing everyday things that we don’t usually want to associate with prostitutes. They reminded us that behind it all they are sisters, brothers, daughters and even mothers to someone. We get to see the humanity in the young women and girls, the things that we can also relate to that they do in their lives like sunbathing or spending time with a friend.

Natasha is the name given to all prostitutes from Eastern Europe and these women hate being called by it but have no choice. Moving images of young women like Dalia who was sold by her husband for $2200 and Clarisa who was sold by her best friend for $800
are some of images to be seen. The images also tell a story of young women and girls also kidnapped into the trade. While others are forced by circumstances mostly poverty, some are lured by promises of jobs in developed countries which makes it hard to say no when there is no employment around. In Moldova it is the woman’s responsibility to feed the family. They have to work to feed and clothes their families while men stay home and expect to be looked after. So some of them end up taking chances with people coming to offer them jobs hoping against all hope that they would be the lucky ones to get the real job and not be trafficked.

Despite not choosing to become prostitutes they don’t get paid for their labour and they certainly do not have a choice whom they end up sleeping with or what’s done to them. Their hours of work are not determined and their welfare not important either to their captures. They are dispensable and at times they are murdered by the men abusing them. One young woman’s pimp tried to induce an abortion and it failed and she spent two months with a dead foetus in her. During the two weeks she had to sleep with three or four ‘clients’ brought to her a day. Prostitution in this century is being driven either by poverty or wealth but either way it ties in strongly with the economy. We live in economic states and while prostitutes in developed countries are driven by access to wealth those in poor countries it’s because of lack of wealth. Fear is used to keep trafficked women from running. Most women from Moldova are told their families would be killed. This makes it difficult for them to speak out for fear of what would happen to their families especially since the pimps almost always know where they come from. In poor countries some women get forced into prostitution by mostly men looking to make money exploiting and abusing them, women like Sorroca forced into prostitution by her in-laws and ending up being separated from her children.

What’s worse when they do manage to escape no one believes their stories and they are penalised heavily for being in countries illegally and for prostitution. At home they are pariahs of society, unwanted by anyone even their families because they believe they chose the life. Dana Popa the photographer who took these images did so to show that there are people behind these tags that we mostly choose to ignore or frown at. The most devastating outcome in all this is that there are children being born in these situations, children who will never know their fathers because they were only ever ‘clients’. Some of the mothers are under age too with no support in raising a child while they are still children themselves. Most of these women say they love their children but what sort of a life will the children have born to that life. Their mothers are the most down trodden of society who are exploited in the worst possible way and don’t earn anything. Their children have no chance in life and may end up in exactly the same situations as their mothers.

Trafficking of women in Eastern Europe started in 1989 at the fall of the Soviet Union. With lack of jobs and all the wealth having been amassed to Russia countries like Moldova have a long way to go before they can build their country back to its former glory. What needs to happen is for the world to accept and appreciate the challenges faced by countries like Moldova and the various social issues there and get involved to help eradicate this form of slavery. The whole world agrees that slavery is illegal but has not gone all out to criminalise the sex trade together. There is a need to make buying of sex illegal in order to eradicate this behaviour and give women a chance at descent living. Because when all you have left is hope, you become very vulnerable. It becomes to say no even if you can see danger coming because if you let go of hope what else would be left?

Chuch Leaders - Called or Collared

2011-08-18T12:29:00.000+01:00

It's amazing the kind of things people do when they are afraid. The most intelligent person will do anything if they decide to act from a place of fear. Look at what is happening in Zimbabwe for example. People are falling prey to so called christian prophets who come in the name of God and heal in the name of Jesus. Miracles are promised of healing, of wealth and abundance beyond believe. People are told they can make money beyond their wildest imagination and if they ever dreamt of owning a house bigger than Chiyangwa's then they will do whatever it takes to get it. They will pray day and night, tithe like never before and they will go to church everyday of the week just so when the abundance spirit comes they won't be missed. A bit like the man the well waiting 38 years to be healed. There are enough verses to keep people holding on and to keep coming back for more. There are enough verses to make people convinced enough that God will only give them if they do the right thing but most importantly if they do it they right way.

But there is a catch. The catch being that they have to have faith. If they are not getting their dreams realised then they are not praying hard enough and their faith is not strong enough. They can't get if they forgot to tithe 10% from the $20 they got from their niece
when she came to visit. God will punish them by keeping them poor. Their children will go with less and less while they give more and more to God and his disciples, the Church Leaders. The giving to God turns into a massive competition and people lose themselves in the bid to out-give the other.

Some churches even now have sitting places for their highest givers. These people have special sits so all can see these wonderful children of God who are giving more and therefore have to be put on display in church for all to see. They are used as examples of God's grace on them because they are such givers. Their lives are said to be better and brighter than the rest of the congregation because they give more. Everyone is told that they get more because they give more to the church.

This approach to God which looks at his love as being as conditional as our own has driven many to even end up becoming thieves so they too can be praised in public. By thieves I am not talking about robbers of money. I am talking about people who steal. It could be pick-pocketing, over charging, swindling money from people, using power to take money illegally of people (e.g. road blocks) and from stories some are even prepared to steal other people's lives in the bid to get rich. These acts of robbery at that are done just so we get a little richer and then on Sunday turn up and pay our ten percent in such a public way is what is giving praise to others. When the cash is put in a collection box it's not going to look different depending on how it was acquired. No else will know in that church how that money came to be. Frankly the church leaders don't seem to care either as long as they have enough to feed themselves and afford looks as expensive as their parishioner who is director in some large multinational.

Every Sunday the preaching will centre on pretty much the same theme. You reap what you saw. We all know that if you plant a few seeds you harvest a bag full in the right conditions. Droughts can come too and so can epidemics that can affect our plants and sometimes we can reap nothing. We accept that as God's way. That unfortunately is not acceptable in today's churches. Losing your wealth is akin to falling from grace. God decided to punish you for your misdeeds and you have to repent. Repent by giving more to God as way of saying sorry and if you apologise in the right way at the right time God will give you back all that you lost. Didn't he do that for Jacob. The only thing that's never mentioned is that Job was not being punished for anything when he lost all he had. And God didn't cause it either, He just let it happen.

These church leaders who are said be God's representatives and are believed to be annointed by Him make it difficult for people to question their authority. They are supposed to be called by God to do his work. But is it not possible to be collared without being called? How do you know someone is called or annointed and how do you prove it? Do you have to prove it or are you supposed to just have faith that your church leader will be kind to you and your soul and that they won't take advantage of fears and leave you in fear of hell every second of your life. Trust is such an honour to be given by someone but church leaders seem to take it as their priveledge and right. You can't question them because it would be akin to questioning God and you can't disagree with their message because it is coming from God. If you are a true believer you should just agree and if you have a questioning nature then it's the devil making you doubt God. It has nothing to do with you wanting to understand better. Its even worse if you have a different understanding of God's message, then you need to be exorcised before it's too late. In the end you either conform, keep quiet or change church. But which ever way you choose, you are doomed. Doomed by church.

What is amazing in all this is that we don't want to accept that at most the bible is very cryptic. We hear what we hear at various times from the passages we read depending on who we are and where we are with our lives. Its really very personal and very individual as is our relationship with God. No one can tell the other what God is saying to them because they don't and can't know. At times too we hear what we want to hear and sometimes we need to do that for ourselves. Sometimes we need to be awakened to the truth which is why we go to church and meet as congregations. Other times we need to hear other people's thoughts and ideas and also what they hear God saying to them because it might help us on our journey. But the one thing we all can't claim to know is why God gives others one thing and not all of our. We can't claim to know what system of giving or denying God uses because we don't know.

Church leaders need to realise like teachers they yield a lot of power and theirs is even stronger because they are 'anointed' and therefore meant to be holy. Abuse of power amounts to stealing. Stealing someone's peace of mind. Stealing someone's ability to make decisions according to their circumstances. Stealing someone's chance do things differently because they might just become next week's target for the Sunday sermon. Even stealing someone's chance to give their 'tithe' in the manor they think their God is telling them to use it. Mostly stealing someone's ability to believe in themselves and their chance to know that they too are anointed.

Nhaka - The Values We Dropped Without Thinking

2011-08-02T22:36:00.002+01:00

The Shona people of Zimbabwe had vast traditional wealth that served it very well for centuries before colonisation. Of course there were some practices that needed to be gotten rid of but there were others that served everyone and helped families and communities live in harmony. Some of these practices today are considered barbaric and have mostly been gotten rid of or mostly discouraged without even having debates about them. Most of the debates have been led by women in the cities who have no understanding or grasp of what life is like for the woman in the rural area whom they are advocating change for. Women in rural areas are not consulted and their opinion is not considered important because well, they rural women and unenlightened so what would they know. Except that knowledge, intelligence and a true understanding does not only come from a book.

One of the most controversial issues of our time is nhaka, a practice whereby when a husband dies after a year a memorial is held and the wife gets to choose one man within the late husband's family to become her husband. Not all relatives would be eligible to be selected. The few that do have a year to woo the lady in question so on the day she can pick them among the many hopefuls. This was mostly done for young widows of child bearing age. This was because the Shona traditions held the view that once a woman reached menopause her interest in sex died but that's a subject for another day.

Most families used to mostly encourage the older bachelors in the family or widowers too who would still be fit enough to manage life with a young wife or if she was still relatively young a young unmarried man within the family would be encouraged if he was interested to woo the lady. The culture of nhaka was done to protect the interests of the wife and those of the family. You see when a son married his father would give him a piece of his land to build a home and farm for his family. He would be living within the vicinity of the rest of the family. In Shona culture there is no such thing as extended family. All land would belong to the family and so would the property in this case the livestock unless the wife had some but in most cases she might have next to none if she was still young.

In the event of the husband dying the reason she was encouraged to choose a man especially an unattached one was because the elders recognised that the needs of the remaining spouse did not cease with bereavement. These would be her sexual as well as other physical needs and also all the various chores like farming, re-roofing the houses, fixing or building cattle kraals or even cutting down logs were jobs that man did, usually the man of the house, including help with raising the children. If the wife didn't pick someone then all those jobs would have no one to do them and would be problematic for her to find someone to commit to take care of various chores without being asked or prompted unless she had grown children.

Once the woman selected a man and he accepted then it made life easier for everyone. The man also always had the choice to say no to being selected. The lady doing the selecting would choose from a line of man sitting waiting to be picked by giving a bowl of water to one of them. If he wasn't interested he would empty the bowl as a sign to say no thank you or refuse to wash his hands and the woman would have to continue down the line and make another choice if she wanted. If the man washed his hands in the bowl that would be accepting the proposal. Most of the time in the year leading up to the memorial for the deceased, it would mostly be clear who the choice was going to be. Others would just sit on the selection line because its customary but they they would already know who would be selected.

Once this is done whoever washes his hands is considered her husband and responsible for her and the children. He can marry someone else if he wasn't already but most of the time he would not. If he was already married he would not be expected to spend too much time at this new wife's home to avoid conflict with his wife but expected to do the various jobs that needed doing without favour. This way if he was seen leaving or entering her house at weird hours of the morning or seen arriving late at night eyebrows wouldn't be raised and the family would not be thrown into disharmony. In Shona culture whether divorced or widowed one can not bring another partner into the home that used to be co-owned with another partner unless it is through nhaka. A stranger is not allowed to sleep on an ex's or late partner's bed or even enter their bedroom or use utensils or tools. Neither can they take over land that 'belongs' to another's family. If the wife decides to remarry but from outside the family she has to vacate the home and go to the current husband's family for land. It is thought to anger the ancestors to allow another man or woman to enter and live into the home and worse to cook or eat in a kitchen or enter or sleep in bedroom that used to be co-owned with a former partner.

As a result even if it was a man remarrying his family would have to allocate a new piece of land for him and his new wife. While this might sound harsh it also safe guards the inheritance of the remaining children. Besides he would not be buying the land. The children will always have a home especially if they don't get along with their step parent. They will always be able to live nearer their family who can help and support them if the other parent goes. If the mother remarries and takes the kids she has to leave the livestock so her children especially sons can use when they come back because their step father would mostly not have the capacity culturally to give step-children land because it would be tied to his family as well. That would not be acceptable. Mostly though wives would be asked or encouraged to leave the children so they grow up among their family and learn the norms of that family because in the end they would have to come back and this helped avoid future conflicts. Therefore nhaka was also meant to keep the family together after death.

While this might sound very unfair for the wife we have to accept that choice was always there. In towns all these taboos can be ignored and neighbours don't have the power to challenge you if you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend home or even if you re-marry and your spouse moves in. In the countryside women are still facing these challenges. It becomes hard to want to live a normal happy life and not want to move while also making sure your own needs are met. Women in rural areas are now caught in the laws of today and the traditions that are still in existence today. How then do they get to live their full lives and not appear to be uncivilised? In rural areas they still can't just bring any man home with them or marry anyone outside of the family and not move. They now don't have a choice. While this decision to encourage women to refuse nhaka was seen as a liberating move it didn't address the whole issue. It just took choice away and left these women more vulnerable and exposed to outside forces. It means now they have to pay someone to do the various chores that husbands do at their homes and these are the same people who can't afford to pay. They now can't have their sexual needs met in a safe environment and whatever secret sexual relationship they end up having with anyone can result in them being shamed in community if the man decides to tell. They risk losing their dignity and of course being alienated by the rest of the community for sneaking around and worse still if the other party is married they even risk being banished from their home. I would be first to accept that nhaka was becoming an abused concept by a lot of men but mostly because they too found themselves being caught between tradition and modern life. A complete ban did not help the women left behind. Without rights to livestock their late husband's family can take those away from her and unless she has the strength to fight its her kids that lose the most.

Western solutions were applied to a very traditional setting and they didn't even take into account of the fact that in Zimbabwe no one can own rural land individually because it is not for sale. This means these women can't go to court and demand rights to their land because no one can. In rural areas no single person is given land not even man. A man has to be married to be able to approach the chief for land. There is a Shona saying "Musha mukadzi". Loosely translating it means a woman is a home. But even then not on her own. We need to revisit this issue and be honest about what's motivating us to shun nhaka. If it's ignorance or if its because we feel it's not for us we need to discuss it further without rushing to conclusions. If a woman decided no matter how old that she doesn't want nhaka that too would be respected. Most would just walk down the line and empty the bowl of water or give it to her mother-in-law, sister-in-law or son and that decision would be respected. It's respected because it would have taken a year to arrive at the conclusion and even her family would have taken the time to help her with the decision. She would know what would be at stake and not make a decision out of fear of being looked down on as being out of touch with the times.

Those of us, by virtue of living in town, who have taken it upon ourselves to decide for others, need to take a step back and let those in the situation reach their own conclusions. We need to learn to respect that choice knowing that we are never going to be found supporting or assisting these women with their daily needs. We should respect their choices accepting that they have the capacity both mentally and emotionally to make their own decisions just as we are, even without the privilege of living in towns or further education.

Impossible? What Is That

2011-07-20T15:45:00.002+01:00

Impossible is just a reason not to try or even attempt. I know because I used to use that word a lot. I have to say though that I didn’t initially start that way. I learnt to think that way. I used to be so hopeful, so full of what others call called ‘impossible dreams’. I used to come up with great ideas and the grown ups would say forget it Neltah, that’s impossible. For a long time I believed that and conformed but then I started questioning why God would create me with such a brain, make me dream this big and see these colourful and imaginable almost tangible hues and textures only to then laugh in my face and say you are dreaming too big. One day I had that conversation with God. I didn’t get an instant understanding or even have a big dream that made me say wow now I get it. I had an encounter with my daughter, then 7 years old. We were talking about what she wanted in her life, what she wanted to do when she grew up. She said she wanted to be a dancer, a singer, an actress, a fashion designer, a writer and be a great mom like me. I said to her that’s impossible Ashley. You can’t do all that. There isn’t much time. You need to focus on one thing.

‘Yes you can mom. You are a writer, a fashion designer, an actress and a great mom and your dancing is great too. You just don’t get paid for it.

I want to get paid doing all the things I love to do, the same things that you love to do. You act for us each time when you are translating those folk tales from your childhood, you sing a lot and you are very good. Your writing is so amazing and I think you should get your books published. I already lVictoria Beckham is a designer and yet she doesn’t even have a background in sewing like you. So why not? Besides you tell me everyday that nothing is impossible. I will just need to see how I can make it all work.’

What a lesson from my own child. I got all the messages I give her daily back to me. It was like looking in the mirror and realising that I can’t tell her one thing and do something else with my life. I have to live my words more. I have to be true to my thoughts, my dreams and my desires. I have to live my desires in order for me to live a content and fulfilled life. I have been partly doing so, I just haven’t turned my loves and desires into income generating ventures. I know it’s possible so here I am. I love talking too so maybe that too can turn into something exciting!!

Dan Phillips: Creative houses from reclaimed stuff

2011-07-06T16:14:00.000+01:00

Imagine if we could use all that waste in the world to build homes for our homeless!! Wouldn't that be something.

Children Should Be Protected from X-Rated Music Videos

2011-06-27T23:19:00.003+01:00

I love music and in my car I get to play all the jams I like at a higher volume than I would at home (have to mind the neighbours and my housemates). The one thing that I am having trouble with at present are the female musicians. They can sing alright but they seem to think they have to also go semi-naked to sound better. I am now having to be very selective whose music I play and buy because I think any message in a song is not just the words but the whole package, which includes the video. You see I don't buy music that uses deregotary words to describe women and there are many like that by men and yes some women. I don't buy any music by musicians like that because I don't believe they deserve to get my money even if its just €1.

As a result I have had to take a stance when it comes to music by women who scantly dress and whose videos are almost porn. Music has become more dangerous than movies because it's not rated. At least when it comes to movies I can say ok this is PG or for 15 or 18 year olds and even the kids in my house know which categories to watch and can find age appropriate films to watch even by themselves. With music they haven't done that and I think its highly essential since the musicians themselves are now shooting pornography
all in the name of music. Its now so bad that even as parents we are at pains to know what to do with our children since music videos are released so fast that we are now failing to keep up when it comes to censoring what our children are exposed to. The song could be about saving the planet and the singer would be so naked that one wonders what that has to do with the subject. We do understand that music is all about ironies and poetry but most buyers are children and the musicians don't seem to want to respect their customers.

Parents are ending up fighting because one of them would have missed something a child is watching while busy trying to keep up with household chores. The fighting is also ongoing with the children because the musician at the centre of these fights would be their favourite and they would want to see the video. They don't even realise that sometimes even the kids themselves are confused by the videos. My ten year old daughter got two videos as a gift of her favourite musicians, Beyonce and Rihana, and she hasn't watched them since she got them. They don't make sense to her and they seem to her to be disjointed from the messages in the songs. I am very grateful for the outcome. It would have been a different matter if she had continued to watch the videos and started copying the dressing and the dances. It wouldn't have mattered that I told the buyer not to ever send videos again if they are not going to make sure the content was age appropriate, the damage would have already been done.

The most important thing in anyone's life is their sense of pride, how they value themselves and their sense of dignity and humility. How can you be a proud person with humility if you are seen not only more than half naked but dancing provocatively in public. We all know that the reason most women seem to think their dancing rouchly in videos while semi naked is ok is because the money they earn protects them from the reality that what they are doing essentially is promoting the porn industry. There is a very thin line between pornography and what we mostly see on those music videos and its only that we don't get to see the performers actually getting to finish the job. All that would be left would be to remove the remaining clothes and get on with business and it wouldn't be shocking to find one day that will be happening on our screens. Its a very well know fact that most of these same musicians are copying some of their poses from porn videos that are already out there and using them as if they are innocent productions.

Most of these musicians say that they do this to fight for their freedom of choice and movement as well as fight against rape. I am not a man and I don't condon rape and I don't think there is any excuse for raping but I do know that the way you dress will determine how people will treat you, both men and women. If these musicians are using their bodies to get money is that not prostitution? They are meant to be musicians but somehow their voices don't seem to earn them as much so they throw their bodies in as an extra boost to get paid more, what is that?

One question I have always had is how can anyone expect to be respected and be treated as an equal if they are taking using methods to gain favours. Women will never go far with this statement because it only emphasises the stereotypes that are out there that women should be seen and not heard and I for one know that, that's not the heritage I want to leave for my girls and even boys. Be sexy by all means but please don't undermine us in the process.

Be inspired

2011-06-01T05:48:00.001+01:00

To be whole, let yourself break.

To be straight, let yourself bend.

To be full, let yourself be empty.

To be new, let yourself wear out.

To have everything, give everything up.

Knowing others is a kind of knowledge;

knowing yourself is wisdom.

Conquering others requires strength;

conquering yourself is true power.

To realize that you have enough is true wealth.

Pushing ahead may succeed,

but staying put brings endurance.

Die without perishing, and find the eternal.

To know that you do not know is strength.

Not knowing that you do not know is a sickness.

The cure begins with the recognition of the sickness.

Knowing what is permanent: enlightenment.

Not knowing what is permanent: disaster.

Knowing what is permanent opens the mind.

Open mind, open heart.

Open heart, magnanimity.

by Tao Te Ching

IOU Project

2011-05-17T18:16:00.000+01:00

We could all do this in our towns. How about doing it for Zvishavane guys or something like it? This could change the town forever

Trust

2011-05-03T16:35:00.000+01:00

My last blog was a very long time ago, 6th April to be exact. I have just realised that the reason I haven't been blogging as much as I would love to is because I have trust issues with myself. Like everyone else I want to have people I can trust around me and I always hope that if I am talking to someone I can trust them with my feelings, my ideas or even my "madness" (another name for the wild thoughts and insights that sometimes spew out of my mouth). I want to believe that the person I would be talking to would not be judging me but would be interested in hearing what I am saying and if they don't agree would still not down-grade me to the loony bin.

All that is well and good but in my case I have come to realise that the one person I have to not put in the loony bin is me. I have just discovered that I don't trust my own thoughts, my own ideas and because of that I worry too much about sharing my thoughts with others. When a thought comes into my mind I am over analysing it and not trusting that I shouldn't worry about what other people will think of me but that I have shared something that has been divinely inspired. I am forgetting that the people who will read or come across the idea will be inspired too in different ways than me. I am forgetting that my job is not to think about everyone else but to allow myself and accept to be used to fulfil the purpose of my creation. I don't know how much time I have to deliver on my purpose but I realise now that there is a reason why for so long so many people have called me 'crazy'. Its a very liberating word which is so freeing. I already carry the title going back to the times when I was in the single digit age group. So from now on I will be blogging more on topics that will probably rattle some people, and topics too that will make some smile and inspire some to go create as well. Now I need to live true to my 'craziness' and help the world think in other terms too and see things from my angle (don't be scared). After all if I don't point it out or bring it up, who will?!

A Tool That Finds 3 Times More Breast Tumors, and why it's not available to you: Deborah Rhodes

2011-04-06T16:26:00.000+01:00

Some of us know of someone, woman or man, who has had breast cancer and even others we lost to the disease. It's not too much to ask that if something can be done to to avoid these losses or even to greatly reduce the numbers, that it be done. No one should have the monopoly over who lives and who dies. Let's all get together and demand that our lives be put before profits

Ithaka by Constantin Cavafy

2011-03-23T16:39:00.000+00:00

As you set out for Ithaka
hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon—don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon—you won't encounter them
                                      unless you bring them along inside your soul,
                              unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

                       Hope the voyage is a long one.
                May there be many a summer morning when,
          with what pleasure, what joy,
      you come into harbors seen for the first time;
   may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind—
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

2011-03-21T23:17:00.001+00:00

To all of you women out there I dedicate the poem below to you. If you have ever, doubted your power, if you have ever failed to notice your beauty, if you have ever been put down but most of all if you have forgotten to love yourself the poem below is for you. It's for you too if you know yourself and are proud of yourself and are madly in love with you who are. Enjoy because no one has ever said it quite like Maya! Remember you truly are a phenomenal woman!

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

The power of vulnerability by Brené Brown

2011-03-20T22:35:00.001+00:00

Brené Brown spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. The first five years of her decade her studies focused on shame and empathy, work that she is now using to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. Brené, Ph.D is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work.

FaceBook In Reality - idiotsofants.com and BBC'sThe Wall

2011-03-03T20:53:00.001+00:00

To all of you especially my friends I just thought you might want to see what it might mean if Facebook an everyday experience!

Be Inspired

2011-02-03T17:44:00.000+00:00

Dear friends I just wanted to share this with you. Robin really does inspire you and I hope after this you will also start to see yourself as an artist everytime you get up to do something. I know I am!

Powerful Beyond Measure

2011-01-20T12:28:00.001+00:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

This year I hope we will accept our light and our greatness and allow our spirits to guide us. I pray that in 2011 all those promises we made to ourselves and to others, loudly or quietly we will move to make them a reality. I know a lot of people who have wished to build a school, sponsor a child or assist someone with something they really need and I also know people who have promised themselves to live healthier lives, to go back to school, to start a business, to spend more time with family all of them have today to start on that journey and not worry about finishing tomorrow; but I do hope they start and not worry too much about perfection like I have been. Perfection is the enemy of progress and who defines perfection. Like Neale D Walsch said we should all redefine perfection to mean a job finished!

2011 Resolve

2011-01-11T20:02:00.001+00:00

It's great to see all the resolutions that people put down and hope to see through because they might give others ideas of things they might do in their own life and who knows even be a success at them. I am sure those people who started selling exercising machines were inspired by those of us who yearly wish to lose weight or get fit or fitter. So don't shy away from reading other people's resolutions. Just remember to do so with an open mind and remember that its 'crazy' people who usually come up with the most innovative and life changing ideas. We too can do it, we might just need a catalyst!

Deal With Disappointment - Redefine Failure

2010-12-09T17:01:00.000+00:00

The fight for one's soul is never the same as that for the flesh. There is more at stake and it's about more than just survival its about BEING. In my previous article, "Climbing Mt. Everest" I pointed out that its hard to be grateful for a job when the employer makes you feel less than who you know you are. So I helped you rant but the truth of the matter is that jobs let us down only if we define ourselves by them. So your boss is another name for a donkey! So what? Having a bad boss can work for one of us in two ways.

Either it can get us depressed or it can help us rethink our goals and re-strategise our lives and our goals. When there is no fun at work we can look forward to spending more time with loved ones. They will benefit from our eagerness to be with them and our presence. It can never happen that one can become a workaholic at a job they don't enjoy or in a job environment they don't enjoy.

Such environments though should not end up with us suffering from 'transference'. Just because we don't get recognition at work is no reason for expecting our loved ones to take over our bosses' roll. We should never look at such situations as failures. They are nothing but catalysts or nudges that we need from time to time to stop us from getting too comfortable in one place day dreaming and not executing any of those dreams. Of course we should mourn the loss of what might have been, the inability to touch the expectation we had built of the job and our failure to live it. We should take a short while to grieve, not too much time. A job is not worth that much. After all the reality or expectations of a job are ones we create in our minds.

A boss or a job does not own anyone. These two have no power over anyone except the power we give them. We are not slaves to our bosses or our jobs. They come and they go,. When we fight with our souls or our spirits we create a different reality. We create a realisation that we can get another job and another boss or we can create our own job and be our own boss. We can even begin to realise that we are our own bosses and everyone else is boss to the work we do. We need to realise that we are separate from our jobs and by making ourselves the work we put ourselves down to the level of our job. We only get employed in jobs because we will have proven that we are above the tasks expected of us. If we were at the same level or below the tasks we perform no one would hire us. Our minds need to learn that no one performs us, it is us who perform the jobs and therefore we are the BOSSES!

Mary J Blige - Each Tear

2010-11-25T20:18:00.000+00:00

This song says so much what I could never come up with. Jah Cure and Mary J Blige's song just touched a deeper part of me and I thought to those that may not have seen this before you might appreciate the message and hopefully be moved like I have been especially right now with what the recession is doing to our lives.

5 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO

2010-11-23T16:13:00.006+00:00

A friend sent this to me and I thought it might be of use to you.

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST
Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.

If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency,
dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you,
and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND
Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.
Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person
at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.

Your car will unlock.
Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.
Distance is no object.
You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the boot).

Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!'

THIRD
Hidden    Battery  Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low.
To activate, press the keys*3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.

This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time. [this one is amazing]

FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number,key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen.

This number is unique to your handset.

Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.

When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.

They will then be able to block your hand sets even if the thief changes the SIM card,your phone will be totally useless.

You probably won't get your phone back,but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.

If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones. [brilliant]

FIFTH
ATM - PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse.

For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321.

The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.

The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location.

This information was recently broadcast on CTV by Crime Stoppers. However it is seldom used because people just don't know about it.

Please pass this along to everyone.

This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends