Our Sex Drive

The Desire Gap

2012-07-16T08:38:00.001-07:00

‘The last time I tried having sex with my husband was two months ago,’ says Cath, 41. ‘I made sure the kids were staying with friends, I cooked him steak, I wore nice underwear – all the usual clichés. We had a great evening but it got to bedtime and he said he was too drunk and tired. I was furious. He could see how much effort I’d gone to – why couldn’t he do the same?’

Ten years ago, Cath and Mark’s sex life was a different story, but over the past few years, particularly since the birth of their youngest son, Cath has found herself reaching out to Mark more often – and being rejected. ‘He gets annoyed if I say I want to talk about it, but we’ve reached crisis point now,’ she says. ‘To an outsider, we might still look happy, but I can’t help feeling our relationship is eroding from the inside.’

Cath and Mark are experiencing an increasingly common problem among couples – a desire gap, where men’s interest in sex is on the wane. Last year,Relate reported a 40 per cent increase in men who didn’t want to have sex with their partners compared with 10 years ago. A survey earlier this year, carried out by the independent charity Men’s Health Forum, found 15 per cent of men aged between 18 and 59 admitted to a ‘lack of interest in sex.

‘Over the years, my colleagues and I have seen an increase in couples where the wife seems the more sexually spirited member of the partnership,’ saysProf Brett Kahr, chair of the British Society of Couple Psychotherapists and Counsellors.

For most, the problem isn’t physical, but emotional, rooted in confused notions about the roles men and women ‘should’ play. Michele Weiner Davis, clinical social worker and author of The Sex Starved Wife, observes that ‘hardly a day passes without some article, medical study or relationship expert offering women advice for stoking their sexual flames and rekindling their desire. The message is clear: men have insatiable sexual thirst; women have headaches.’

‘We have this naïve notion about marital sex,’ says Kahr, ‘that couples have sex because they’re aroused and attracted to one another. That’s probably the least common reason.’ Sex is often the most effective bargaining tool we have. We exploit our partners’ needs to emphasise how we feel about other areas of our lives. There are all kinds of reasons your partner may experience a loss of desire. Here are some of the more common ones.

The battle outside the bedroom

Alex, 45, has been with his partner, Liz, for six years. Recently, Liz’s 13-year-old son from her previous marriage came to live with them, and the atmosphere in the house has grown tense. ‘I feel like my home has been invaded and I’m constantly coming second to an angry teen,’ says Alex. He feels embarrassed about his resentment, but still can’t let it go to enjoy the same intimacy he and Liz used to have. ‘The worst thing is, she really can’t equate my feelings with our lack of sex life. She thinks that as I’m a man, I should just be up for it. I’m more insulted by that than anything else.’

‘The idea that men are always “up for it” is a lovely myth,’ says Kahr. ‘Most men might say their fantasy is a constantly available woman, but this is only true if they are in a receptive state of mind.’

Areas of resentment outside the bedroom turn sex into a battleground. The partner who feels weaker may well use veto to regain some status. ‘If they’re not in the mood, it doesn’t happen,’ says Davis. ‘It’s an unspoken agreement. The person with the lower desire expects his or her spouse to accept it, and also to be monogamous. That’s pretty much an unfair and unworkable set-up.’

Similarity kills desire

Too much intimacy, not too little, can kill desire, according to author and couples therapist Esther Perel. ‘Perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure,’ she says in her book Mating In Captivity. ‘The breakdown of desire seems an unintentional consequence of the creation of intimacy.’

Perel believes there is an eternal conflict at the heart of all long-term relationships – the dual needs for connection and independence. ‘We do almost everything together, which has many advantages, but Hannah feels more like my friend and partner in childcare than the woman I used to be crazy about,’ says Tim, 38. ‘When we have sex now, I spend the entire time fantasising about other women. It works, but I can’t deny I feel guilty about it.’

‘It is easier to coast along than challenge each other – that involves conflict, which can feel like a risk,’ says relationship counsellor Christina Fraser. ‘What these couples need to do is celebrate their differences.’ Sexual desire is intricately connected to how well couples can argue. If anger isn’t expressed elsewhere it will emerge as sexual conflict.

The shame of waning attraction

‘One of the great secrets we all know but do not want to admit is that none of us has the same body from year to year,’ says Kahr. ‘Your ageing partner’s body becomes the mirror to your own ageing body. Men might love their wives and find them attractive but (and this is something they would never say to a woman but will say to a male psychotherapist) they may also find different aspects of the woman’s body offputting. It’s often very private bodily matters that are shaming for the male partner and the female partner, so it’s very difficult to talk about.’

We consider it terribly cruel (with good reason) to tell our partner that he or she is no longer attractive to us, but this doesn’t make the strength of feeling less real. There is no easy solution, but ‘it is a barometer of the health and creativity of a couple how they manage these kinds of differences’, says Kahr. If a couple are otherwise extremely secure, they may find it possible to negotiate these changes on their own, or with the help of a counsellor. It is important to bear in mind that your partner may not be consciously aware of his feelings and, if he is, may feel as awkward and embarrassed as you.

Question your motives

While we may find the reason for the disparity in our desire by looking at our partner’s behaviour, it can also help to look at our own motivation. ‘Just as there are many psychological reasons men are under-aroused, there are also many reasons a woman might seem over-aroused,’ says Kahr. ‘And one of the great secrets about hypersexualisation among women is that sex can be used as an antidepressant. Often when someone is nursing a low-grade depression, sexualisation becomes an effective means of trying to wake oneself up, of giving you the illusion that you’re dealing with your problems.’

This particular motivation may apply just to a select group, but it does highlight that our desire is often influenced by complex emotions. ‘When Laura and I decided to try for a baby, I had no idea how much it would change our sexual relationship,’ says Vincent, 41. ‘I had a lot of anxiety about whether I really wanted kids. She was in her late thirties and, I think, worried time was running out. It was as if all the fun was knocked out of our sex life. I’d come home later and later in the hope she’d be asleep. It was a death knell for our marriage.’

Source: http://www.psychologies.co.uk/love/the-desire-gap.html

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Dilemma: I’m Attracted to Another Man

2012-07-16T08:35:00.001-07:00

I’ve been happily married for three years, but recently my feelings about my husband and my relationship have changed. I met a man at work, and for the first time since I met my husband, I feel seriously attracted to someone else. Nothing has happened between us, but I can’t stop thinking about him, which worries me as much as if we’d had an affair. I never thought I’d want anyone else, but my husband comes second to this man in my fantasies. For the first time, I’ve asked myself whether I’ve made the right choice. Does this signal the end for my marriage?

Lucy Beresford replies: The short answer is that I don’t know, but the episode is definitely signalling that something needs addressing.

Fantasies themselves are not necessarily harmful to a marriage, so long as they remain fantasies. But relationships outside a marriage that are emotionally intense, at the very least drain that marriage of vital nourishment.

I hear your shock at finding yourself tempted and, although it’s not a given that your marriage is currently in jeopardy, I do think you’ve reached a point where you must be honest with yourself and assess how much value you place on matrimony, your own marriage in particular, and the man you married.

Ask yourself immediately what it is about this work situation that is so compelling. Is it the secrecy? The novelty? The boost to your self-esteem? Are you really being honest when you say you’ve been happily married? Or are you attracted simply to the excitement of the new, or of forbidden fruit? Have you, for example, ever talked to your husband about the possibility that the excitement in your marriage appears to be on the wane?

Don’t rush any decision-making process, but once you have done some work on yourself and have identified what fulfils you, you should be in a better position to assess what you want out of the relationships in your life.

Source: http://www.psychologies.co.uk/love/im-attracted-to-another-man.html

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Sex: What Problem?

2012-06-20T23:03:00.001-07:00

Published on Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

by Gerald Weeks, Jeffrey Winters

Kelly seemed to have it all. A loving mother of three and a public-relations executive in Manhattan, she had a handsome and charming partner who was a successful entrepreneur. They jetted off for vacations in the Caribbean and dined in the finest restaurants. But their relationship floundered in one intractable area.

"After a while," Kelly says, "he just stopped wanting to have sex. He'd go months without even touching me."

It's a subject that's full of shame: low sex drive. When your partner has no interest in sex despite your best efforts, it's easy to become perplexed. And without guidance, partners may characterize the problem in ways that can destroy the relationship.

In a society saturated with sexual imagery, it seems strange that some people have no desire for sex. But it is a startlingly common problem. Millions of people suffer from a condition known ashypoactive sexual desire (HSD), about 25 percent of all Americans, by one estimate, or a third of women and a fifth of men. Sex researchers and therapists now recognize it as the most common sexual problem.

In recent years, experts have turned their attention to the causes of HSD, and sex therapists are working on strategies to treat it. Although there is a 50 percent positive outcome in treatment, many of those who have HSD don't seek help. This is usually because they don't realize it's a problem, other issues in the relationship seem more important or they feel ashamed.

Many couples in conflict may have an underlying problem with sexual desire. When desire fades in one partner, other things start to fall apart.

How Little Is Too Little?

For Pam, happily married and in her forties, her once healthy sexual desire simply disappeared about six months ago. "I don't know what has happened to my sexual appetite," she says, "but it is like someone turned it off at the switch." She and her husband still have sex, maybe once every few weeks, but she does it out of obligation, not enthusiasm.

"I used to enjoy sex," Pam says. "Now there's a vital part of me that's missing."
Ordinary people aren't in a constant state of sexual desire. Everyday occurrences "fatigue, job stress, even the common cold" can drive away urges for lovemaking. Usually, however, spending romantic time with a partner, having sexual thoughts or seeing stimulating images can lead to arousal and the return of a healthy sex drive.

Yet for some people, desire never returns, or was never there to begin with. Frequently, even healthy sexual fantasies are virtually nonexistent in some people who suffer from HSD.

Just how little sex is too little? Sometimes, when a partner complains of not having enough sex, his problem may actually be an unusually high sex drive. Experts agree that there is no daily minimum requirement of sexual activity. In a British survey, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 24 percent of couples reported having no sex in the previous three months. And the classic study, Sex in America, found that one-third of couples had sex just a few times a year. Although the studies report frequency of sex, not desire, it's likely that one partner in these couples has HSD.

One Tiny Pill

Years ago, another sexual problem "erectile dysfunction" received a sudden burst of attention when a medical "cure" hit the shelves. Before Viagra came along, men with physically based problems suffered impotence in silence, and without much hope. Now many couples enjoy a renewed reservoir of passion.

Obviously, any pill that relieves hypoactive sexual desire would be wildly popular. Unfortunately, the causes of HSD seem to be complex and varied; some sufferers might be treated with a simple pill, but most will likely need therapy—not chemistry.

One common source of reduced desire is the use of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. SSRIs have been found to all but eliminate desire in some patients. Antidepressants such as Prozac and Zoloft are among the most widely prescribed drugs for treating depression. Yet one distressing side effect is a drop in sex drive. Some studies indicate that as many as 50 percent of people on SSRIs suffer from a markedly reduced sex drive.

Researchers believe that SSRIs squash the libido by flooding the bloodstream with serotonin, a chemical that signals satiety. "The more you bathe people in serotonin, the less they need to be sexual," says Joseph Marzucco, MSPAC, a sex therapist practicing in Portland, Oregon. "SSRIs can just devastate sexual desire."

Fortunately, researchers are studying antidepressants that act through other channels. Bupropion hydrochloride, which enhances the brain's production of the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine, has received extra attention as a substitute for SSRIs. Early studies suggest that it may actually increase sexual desire in test subjects. A study reported last year in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that nearly one-third of participants who took bupropion reported more desire, arousal and fantasy.

It's All In Your Head

Physiological problems can also lead to a loss of sexual desire. Men with abnormal pituitary glands can overproduce the hormone prolactin, which usually turns off the sex drive. As reported in theInternational Journal of Impotence Research, tests of a drug that blocks prolactin found it increased the libido in healthy males.

In women, some experts believe that one cause of weak sexual desire is, ironically, low testosterone levels. Normally associated with brawny, deep-voiced men, testosterone is a hormone with a definite masculine identity. But women also make small amounts of it in their ovaries, and it plays an important role in their sexual lives. Without a healthy level of testosterone in the blood, some researchers believe, women are unable to properly respond to sexual stimuli. Furthermore, there is anecdotal evidence that testosterone supplements can restore the sex drive in women.

Rosemary Basson, M.D., of the Vancouver Hospital and Health Sciences Center in British Columbia, however, cautions that too little is known about the role testosterone plays in women. "We don't even know how much testosterone is normal," Basson says. "The tests designed for men can't pick up the levels found in women."

In one study suggesting that HSD is more psychological than physiological, Basson and her colleagues tested the effects of Viagra on women who reported arousal problems. Basson found that while the drug generally produced the physical signals of sexual arousal, many women reported that they still didn't feel turned on.

Indeed, many psychologists and sex therapists believe that most patients with HSD have sound bodies and troubled relationships. The clinical experience of Gerald Weeks has shown that two factors identified in a relationship can, over time, devastate the sex drive: chronically suppressed anger toward the partner and a lack, or loss, of control over the relationship. And once these issues threaten a healthy sex drive, lack of intimacy can aggravate the problems further. Without help, these issues can balloon until the relationship itself is seriously damaged. And, consequently, HSD becomes further entrenched.

Lacking The Desire For Desire

Although HSD is one of the most difficult to address of all sexual problems, it can be treated successfully. The key is to find a highly qualified sex and marital therapist who has experience in dealing with it. Unfortunately, while HSD is the most common problem that sex therapists see, millions of cases go untreated.

Some people who lack desire are just too embarrassed to seek help, especially men. Others are so focused on immediate concerns—such as a stressful job or a family crisis, that they put off dealing with the loss of a healthy libido. Still others have become so used to having no sex drive that they no longer miss it; they lack the desire for desire. These people represent the most severe cases, the hardest to treat.

Some people who don't get treatment find ways to adjust. "Thank goodness my husband is so patient and caring," Pam says. "He tries to spark interest, but when it is not ignited he'll settle for cuddling and caressing."

Other relationships can't survive the strain. After a year, Kelly and her boyfriend broke up. "I couldn't convince him that it was a problem," she says, "but it was."

Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/23566

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Lack of Sex Can Destroy Relationships - ABC News

2012-05-16T22:05:00.001-07:00

Lack of Sex Can Destroy Relationships - ABC News: "Lack of Sex Can Destroy Relationships"

It's the kind of thing no one wants to talk about, but it's the kind of thing that can destroy a relationship. What it is ... is sex. In the case of many couples, it's the absence of sex.

While Americans have grown accustomed to seeing advertisements for all sorts of products aimed at treating male sexual dysfunction, there hasn't been much talk about women's libidos or sexual health.

A recent study concluded that almost half the adult women in America are not happy with their sex lives and they don't know why. Many are too embarrassed to talk about it with their partners, or to get help.

But more and more women are finally beginning to admit to an awful feeling they've avoided discussing. Sex isn't enjoyable for them.

Female Sexual Dysfunction

"Women are feeling more entitled to their sexual response and are being more proactive about doing something about it," says sex therapist Laura Berman.

She and her sister, Dr. Jennifer Berman, a urologist, are pioneers in the new field of female sexual dysfunction, or FSD.

According to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1998, some 43 percent of sexually active women of all ages experienced sexual dysfunction.

The Bermans say FSD includes four particular complaints: trouble achieving orgasm, not being aroused properly, pain during sex, and the one they hear most often: low libido.

To learn more about the Bermans' work, visit their Web site: www.newshe.com.

Often, doctors have told women that their problems are emotional, not physical. But the Bermans feel differently.

In their work, the Bermans emphasize the importance between the mind and the body and physiological responses to emotional issues.

Sorting Out the Emotional From the Physical

Low libido is the most common female sexual complaint, and the Bermans recommend couples counseling.

To help a woman overcome her lack of sexual desire, they often begin with a three-hour, mind/body exam by talking with her about her feelings.

After getting her perspective, they will talk with her partner. They will then examine the woman's medication history. It turns out that a wide variety of medications can affect sex drive, from antihistamines to antidepressants to birth control pills.

They sometimes recommend discontinuing birth control pills and sometimes even prescribe a very small dose of testosterone, a controversial new treatment being offered to women. Some doctors consider testosterone the female Viagra, even though the Food and Drug Administration hasn't cleared it for treating FSD, and some women report negative side effects like facial hair and acne.

Too Quick to Diagnose and Prescribe?

Leonore Tiefer, a New York psychologist and sex therapist, is one of a small but vocal number of critics who say doctors shouldn't quickly turn to drugs to cure women's sexual complaints. "It's easy to get a pill, but pills have side effects and they have interaction problems and they're being given to young people," she says. "Are they supposed to take it their entire life?"

In fact, Tiefer insists that lagging sex drive is just a normal part of life for many women, especially those overwhelmed by work and children, and that medicine isn't the answer.

Jennifer Berman disagrees. "The reality is … that there are medical reasons why women experience sexual dysfunction," she says. "We didn't create them. We didn't make it happen. It's the way it is. Were just acknowledging their existence."

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My wife cheated and still is talking to the guy

2012-05-12T21:54:00.001-07:00

My wife cheated and still is talking to the guy: "There is no way to force another to love you. When someone cheats the innocents is gone."

There is no way to force another to love you. When someone cheats the innocents is gone. I don’t think anyone can forgive someone that cheats. Sometimes love can feel like a curs when it is not returned. It can make you ill and hate your life and the world. The word is cruel but what is nice about it that you can change your circumstance and find a place where you are more comfortable. Some human emotions are confused with love such as lust, wanting what you can’t have, being afraid of change and I am sure the list will go on and on. Love is the most confusing emotion we have. I don’t think we will ever figure it out. But what I do know is that there has to be trust or the relationship is sick. When you lose trust I personally don’t think it will ever come back. There will always be something in the back of your mind haunting you. If that is love then I don’t want it. I would never give up some of the times I had with people I have loved and lost. But why ruin them when the rest of you memories are tainted if you stay.

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Your Personality | Free Online Personality Tests and Quizzes

2012-04-24T03:45:00.001-07:00

Your Personality | Free Online Personality Tests and Quizzes:

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Attachment Style

2012-04-24T03:30:00.001-07:00

Attachment Style:

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Emotional Infidelity

2012-03-23T10:26:00.002-07:00

Emotional Infidelity | Psychology Today:

Emotional infidelity: When is cheating really cheating?

Published on September 7, 2008 by Michael J. Formica, MS, MA, EdM in Enlightened Living

Aaron Ben-Zeév's recent article entitled Is Chatting Cheating? prompted me to do some thinking about emotional infidelity. Although not a new phenomenon, emotional infidelity is a notion that, in recent years, has come to some prominence at least as language, due mainly to the inescapable juggernaut of media convergence. It is also, to some degree, a reflection on the generalized loosening of social mores that once would have kept button-down dads buttoned up and soccer moms carpooling, instead of "Seeking Friends" at Match.com or blogging on Facebook.

Sexual infidelity is pretty clear cut; someone steps outside the bounds of a relationship and engages in some form of sexual contact with another person. Although the implications and consequences are similar, emotional infidelity as a construct is a bit more murky, as it does not simply apply to sexual or romantic interpersonal relationships.

The notion of emotional infidelity can also apply to platonic same- or trans-gender relationships, as well as activities, work, exs, siblings, extended family, hobbies and even kids. Many women in the part of the country where I live and work ruefully refer to themselves as Wall Street Widows - non-interpersonal emotional infidelity in full flower.

Emotional infidelity is any situation that creates or causes some degree of emotional unavailability on the part of one partner that interferes with one particular aspect of the relationship, along with the quality of the relationship as a whole.

Obviously, and speaking to the thesis of Aaron's article, the most salient form of emotional infidelity is that which involves another person, and engages that person in a pseudo-romantic or pseudo-sexual relationship, whether proximal or at a distance. Stated plainly, it's a crush that's reciprocated, but not demonstrably acted upon.

Two things are true here. One is that the nature of communication and the ability to communicate with just about anyone anywhere has greatly increased opportunity. Human nature is such that if the opportunity for a behavior is increased, and the drive to engage in that behavior is for whatever reason unchecked, that opportunity will in all probability be exploited. Infidelity, whether extra-relational (see I Wasn't Looking for an Affair; It Just Happened), or emotional, is usually a matter of opportunity. The second truth is something of a twist on the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" line; the constancy of current communication actually intensifies this type of relationship and promotes its distortion. Whereas the absence of a lover increases desire, the constancy of a lover-at-a-distance can turn that person into a drug.

So, we have means and opportunity; what's the motive? Aside from the obvious motivations that one may harbor for stepping outside of his/her primary relationship, the two that seem to avail themselves most prominently to situations of emotional infidelity are fear and safety; fear of not wanting to get caught "doing anything" couched in the perceived safety of ostensibly not doing anything.

Taken from the perspective of risk management, emotional infidelity makes perfect sense. On the one hand you're not going to get caught with the babysitter, your secretary or the contractor. And on the other, are you really ever going to actually hook up with your cyber-soulmate from Boston when you have a spouse, kids and a job in Cincinnati? Not likely - so, there's a built in stop gap. Regardless of the rationalization behind it, emotional infidelity is an expression of either the need or the desire to absent oneself from one's primary relationship, without actually leaving that relationship. Therein lies the core of the issue, and it is what defines emotional infidelity as if not exactly the same at least the social equivalent of sexual infidelity.

Whether you are physical engaged with another person or not, when you absent yourself from your primary relationship you are taking your attention away from that relationship in a way that interferes with it. It comes back to emotional availability. A great cinematic depiction of this is an interchange between Hilary Swank's character and that of her husband in Freedom Writers. He's not getting his needs met because she's focused on her students, so he ends up leaving.

What really complicates matters is that for the "cheating" partner, there is no real sense that s/he has transgressed because s/he isn't "doing anything" that can be demonstrated as "cheating", i.e. sex. Non-interpersonal "cheating" behavior is rationalized away as a necessity - long hours, relaxation, working out, etc. In the case of interpersonal emotional infidelity, the same sensibility holds true.

While there may indeed be a trail of emails or text messages to mark as a smoking gun, in the mind of the "cheater" s/he isn't really "doing anything". That leaves the other partner in the curious position of experiencing all of the hurt, anger and sense of rejection associated with an affair, while the "cheater" shrugs it off and "doesn't get it."

We are trained from a very young age that behavior begets consequences. Most of us understand that, but if you are doing something that is not really "doing anything", then why should there be consequences?

Somewhere along the line, the moral gravity associated with this sort of social transgression became transformed into the moral relativism that allows us to take office supplies from work. Who's it really going to hurt? - well, no one, but it's still stealing.

Here's the rub - in the case of emotional infidelity, you're stealing from yourself.

Why WOMEN Cheat

2012-03-23T07:43:00.001-07:00

Why WOMEN Cheat

By VegaLove

MAN EATERS

Men and women are so different, women feel things, men have to see things, women use reason, intuition, and emotion, men use excuses, opportunity, and their impulses. Women are sensitive, yet, we can take whatever men give us and act like it doesn't bother us, and before you know it... we seek revenge! Sure, we can be manipulative, conniving, as we use sex and guilt as weapons of mass destruction, but you would never know this by looking at us, wearing high heels, make up and a smile. Men have their own weapons, they can be cold, careless, and hold on tightly to their double standards. Although most would argue that they would never take a guy back after he has cheated, most women have. It's how they handled the situation that will surprise you.

TOP 10 REASONS WHY WOMEN CHEAT

10. The relationship isn't THAT serious. In the beginning, you may find yourself in a brand new relationship, you're just dating but you really like the guy but you aren't quite sure if you want to be exclusive, men, you better not take too long to figure it out and seal the deal. While you're out there dating or talking to a couple of other girls to make sure she's the right one for you, she could be doing the same thing! Unfortunately for you, women get hit on almost everyday, it could just be for sex or whatever the circumstance, but we get attention out there no matter what we look like-there is always someone who is willing to get in our pants. Fortunately, we have been turning men down since the beginning of time, so unlike you, the predator, we are the type of prey that can say NO and walk away. When you think you are not quite ready to settle down as you go from one woman to the next, you are really wasting time on the girls you don't really like instead of investing time in the one you really want. If you don't seal the deal while she's really into you, you just might blow it, and she knows it!

9. They are bored in the relationship. When women get bored with their man they may seek comfort in the arms of a stranger or an old familiar flame. They get bored when the sparks no longer fly, they are stuck in a routine at home or in the relationship, and if their man isn't paying attention to them or they aren't having anymore fun together. Women need romance, dancing, dinners, spontaneous getaways, anything that will keep them guessing and make them feel special. The longer you leave gaps in between the romance, some other guy may be fillin gin for you. When the man she loves is spending too much time and attention on himself or his other interests, it is a complete turn-off for women because we want to be the center of his world, and when we aren't, we know that someone else will place us on a peddle stool. You've seen the chick flicks guys, how much more do we need to spell it out for you?!

8. They aren't getting what they want out of the relationship. Most women want a place to call home, especially a house, they want a marriage or some type of commitment, and eventually, they want to start a family. If they have been in a long term relationship and nothing seems to be materializing from it, they will consider straying if they haven't already. Women need to know their place in your life, we want to know that you are in it to give them that happily ever after, and if you don't step it up, then you need to proceed with caution. It isn't about sex, it's about being with a man that is ready to GROW UP and take the relationship to the next level. No matter what we say, we need the ring, the piece of paper, the contract, the whole sha-bang! We don't want to be your baby mama, but if that's what it takes to get you to commit, then some women will take that route and make you miserable for the rest of your life, all because... you didn't give her want she wants or needs in the relationship. Remember guys, there will always be someone else out there that will promise her the world if you aren't already giving it to her.

7. When he has too much baggage. Psycho ex girlfriends, baby mama drama, ex-wives with too much control, a meddling mother, over-protective siblings, bratty kids and friends that don't know when to go home, will take their toll on a woman. There is nothing more unattractive then a man that has too much baggage. Women will begin to take a look at their options out there no matter how nice or great of a guy her man is. A man can spoil her rotten, treat her with love and respect, but if his mama always has something to say, if his parents drop by unannounced, or are rude when her man isn't around, she will begin to resent the number one woman in your life, her arch-enemy... Yo' MAMA! If your ex, baby mama, or ex-wife causes too many problems in your relationship, you better do whatever you can to keep her because that is some bull-stuff that she will only take for so long. What's worse is if you can't control your own kids, that is also a major turn off because she wants you to be the MAN, not the doormat! When your friends come over too much or stay too long, you're not doing couples activities and you're all just sitting around playing video games, that will make you all look like a high school boy instead of the man she knows you can be. If you seem to be fighting about other people in your lives, that is definitely a red flag that she is not happy, so schedule time with your friends or family and let her go do whatever she likes to do then meet up latter. Whatever you do, don't keep repeating the same thing over and over when she tells you she doesn't like something (or someone) take care of the problem like a man, don't keep irritating her. When you really love someone, you will make the simple effort to make little changes for the benefit of the relationship; its all about compromise. If a man has too much baggage, there will be a drama free man out there just waiting for a chance to be with her, especially if she isn't carrying much baggage of her own.

6. They won't leave something for nothing. When you're just not getting along and you seem to be fighting a lot, fellas beware! Most women won't have a clean break because we need to "get under someone new, to get over someone old." That's right, this is something even our mothers and grandmothers know now days! That is why we always tend to have a "rebound guy," you know, the guy after the serious long-term relationship, before the string of one night stands and mini-relationships that will eventually lead to the new and improved relationship with someone better then you. Don't be mistaken, women are a lot more slick then we have been given credit for, and you won't even see it coming. By the time you're ready to "work things out" she may be on to bigger and better things, so if you know you love her and want to be with her, you better fix the problems before you get replaced. We think about our feelings and emotions a lot before we stray or start looking for the rebound guy, by the time we act on it, we have made up our minds and moved on. All you need to know is that the plan was well thought out before it was executed.

5. Ok, sometimes it is about the SEX. If a girl is having trouble climaxing, no matter how great of a guy you are, or if you have a mortgage, lease or kids together, she just might stray, depending on how bad it is and how much she really loves you. You could be rich, offer her everything under the sun, but if you can't deliver the kind of lovin' she needs, you're headed for trouble, because there is an easy remedy to cure that little problem. You will find that more and more women will have a Cha-cha, a guy they can call on whenever, wherever, to take care of their sexual appetite. Unlike a booty call, a Cha-cha knows you're in a relationship, he might be in one too, but he is readily awaiting her number appearing on the Caller ID of his cell phone. He is the guy that will give her presents AND orgasms, but he never calls her, she calls him. Men have their "old reliables" that they call when they are having a dry spell, women do too, but the Cha-cha is a special man that takes care of her wants and needs in different ways then a booty call and an old reliable. He is also there when you aren't acting right, he will console her after a fight, even if she doesn't mention a word about it, and he is there if she hasn't lined him up already, if you are having any of the issues from 6-10 in addition to the bad sex. Women have sexual and emotional needs that require your attention and if you aren't giving it to them, someone else will without a doubt!

4. When things start to go sour. Let's face it, women need a lot of attention, we have feelings and emotions that run deeper then any of the seven seas in the whole wide world. If you forget her birthday, an anniversary, or any other special day or if you skimp out on the other important days like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas, New Years Eve or WHATEVER, she will feel unappreciated and that is a major red-light danger zone! If you are so caught up and busy doing whatever it is that you do, even if you are working a lot to pay bills and what not, at the very least... you better remember the days that count! The rule of thumb here is that you need to show your appreciation to her, show her how special she is and how much she means to you. Say thank you in little ways, because every woman will tell you, "it's the little things that count." The reason the little things count is because they all add up to one big thing, whether or not you appreciate her enough. If she baby's you when you're sick, packs your lunches, makes you dinner every night, if she cuts your hair, or makes you feel special by throwing you a surprise party, or gets you little thoughtful gifts here and there, no matter what the occasion, she is doing her best to make you feel special, loved and appreciated. We will never say it out loud, but we're expecting you to do it for us too. Picking up some flowers "just because" is a great way to show her, taking her out for a romantic dinner will also do the trick, getting her a card to say you're sorry, or giving her a little something because you love her, will always work wonders. If not, there is always some guy out there that will give her the works and charm those panties off by sweeping her off her feet.

3. If the relationship gets physical, in a bad way. Don't think that you could ever completely control a woman. If you try to use scare tactics, if you hit her, beat her up, or threaten her, she can and will stray at some point, it is just a matter of when. If you are verbally or emotionally abusive, we may play the victim card but every woman can be pushed to her breaking point until enough is enough. There are way more nice guys then evil ones out there and if you didn't know this already, we have been trained to await our night in shining armor, thanks to Disney. You can beat us to the ground and we will pick ourselves up because even though we love you and you hurt us in anyway, there is always another guy waiting to save that damsel in distress. We all know how much women talk, we talk about everyone and everything, so if she's with friends or at work spilling her guts out to someone else, anywhere else, the other women will be more then willing to set her up with someone great that they know, and most guys would love to play the part of the hero.

2. When she doesn't come first in your life. If you put other people before her then she will eventually stray and find herself in bed with a guy that will put her first. A woman has to feel like she is your number one priority outside of your real responsibilities like work or school, since women can be considered your partner, she needs to be treated as such, and more. When you're spending more time or money on your Mom, or anyone else other then her, you will have some problems. If you spend too much time at work and not enough time on her, there will be a big fight around the corner. I know it sounds selfish, but that is just the way we are. Think about it, when a man has a little girl, he is over protective of her, he spoils her, and she is his princess forever. When Dad is around, she is on her best behavior because she knows that if she plays her cards right, she can get whatever she wants from him... Mom on the other hand, is different. Mothers and daughters have a different relationship, they teach us all the domestic knowledge we need to be a wife and mother, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc. Usually, the father will discipline, the kids, but he is always easier on his little girl then on his boys. There are Daddy's girls, and Mama's boys, there is a method to that madness. You see, mothers make it difficult for any woman to measure up because most guys want a girl kind of like his mom, in a way, and women want a strong, providing, generous man, like her daddy. Women just want a guy to make her feel like a princess, so if you've got other things on that peddle stool, you better make room for her because if she isn't your number one, she will belong to someone else in no time. It's not just about people either, it is also habits and addicitions, like drugs or video games, if you spend more time on the Playstation III or getting high, she will find a more mature man that will place that crown on her head and slip on that glass slipper.

1. Whatever you can do, we can do it better. If you have cheated on us and we take you back, you better be on your toes every minute of every day! Don't think you are in the clear just because she forgave you, you better watch how she interacts with your brother, your cousins, your best friends, co- workers, and anyone with a penis. She will go for the jugular fellas, and I am not playing! If you break her heart and she gives you a second chance, she is probably going to start plotting the biggest, heart-breaking performance of her life. Just when you think it's all water under the bridge, you will find your heart ripped out, stomped on and spit on, under that bridge. Every woman handles it differently, she will either go for someone close to you, or she will slowly but surely, be with someone else behind your back, whether you find out about it or not is up to her. She may take you back, all the while knowing that she has slept with someone else, because in the back of her mind, "what you don't know won't hurt." Trust me fellas, she will smile in your face and act like everything is normal, but behind that grin lies the remnants of a broken heart plotting away vengeance. You see, it is so much easier for a woman to cheat, all we have to do is say "yes". Men love the thrill of the chase, they are natural predators, and once they have a piece of the pie, they are done with it because the thrill of the chase is over. If they get caught it's because they weren't doing it right, they got sloppy, and weren't paying attention. Women on the other hand, are very detail oriented, if she gets caught, she probably wanted to. Women will sleep with a guy even if he has a significant other, we are competitive that way. If the girl you cheated on knew about your woman, she was in it for the competition, you really mean nothing to her; sorry guys. Women always think they are better then other women, even sisters are rivals, but you are the fool that gets caught in the middle. If you don't end up with one of the two, you will end up alone, because a woman doesn't really want the guy that cheats on his chick with her because he will probably do it to her too. The woman who got cheated on will either take you back and get you back to even the score, or she will not have anything to do with you. It's all a game, and most of the time... it's the men that play the fools.

I know this all sounds horrible, and you probably think that women aren't like that, but if you really believe that then you are naive. Women are not nice when you hurt them or don't treat them the way they deserve to be treated. They will strike when you least expect it, she will hurt you in away you never thought possible, and if she did it all because of some thing you did or failed to do, she will do it without a single regret. A woman scorned will do the impossible and the unbelievable; you will not be prepared for the atomic bomb she will drop on you. It could be days, weeks, months, years, but she knows she is in control and she will take her time to get you back. Let's go back to the beginning, remember how Eve convinced Adam to eat that apple? Well, that's the kind of power we have over men. Don't think for a moment, that you are special, men are disposable, sad but true. Anything you won't do for us, someone else will be more then willing to step up and take care of us, and that's the guy that gets the trophy wife. The self-absorbed, naive man, is still a boy to us, and what we really want, is a MAN. A woman will love you whole heartedly if you play your cards right, but if you don't, she will call your bluff and walk away with the pot, take your pride with her, and leave you all alone to figure out how the heck she pulled it off.

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How to Have Great Sex: fingering a tight pussy, woman squirt, using a vibrator

2012-01-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

How to Have Great Sex/fingering a tight pussy

Expert: Fox - 12/9/2007

Question
I am a ,loney woman, how can i finger my pussy so that i squirt or cum hard? please give me some techniques....thanks

Answer
HI Ariel...

For fingering your clitoris, many women like to do it in the bath, or the shower, because the running water makes them feel wonderful. There are also different ways to do it, and I will discuss those with you now. I don't recommend using a vibrator, because although they can be WONDERFUL, they can also condition you to tose very specific types of orgasms, and then it's hard for men (or yourself) to make you cum in other ways.

FINGERING YOUR CLITTY – soft and slow

While it may be fun to slide your fingers in and finger inside your pussy, I’ll concentrate first of all on playing with your clitty. Most girls, when they masturbate, concentrate on the clitoris, which is actually not inside the pussy at all, it is above the entrance. And for internal fingering, it's much better to read my "how to make a woman squirt" advice (ask me if you want it) and get a man or another woman to do it - so you can have the best orgasm of your life...

As I'm sure you know, when the pubic hair gives way to the beginnings of the pussy slit itself, you are right above the clitoris. It is less than half an inch below that point at the very top of the pussy, and it is often hidden behind folds of pussy meat and protective layers – at the very very top of the pussy, on the outside.

It is between the two pussy lips, but at the top of them, where they meet. You will know when you find it because it sticks out a little from the rest of the pussy, and there is nothing above it but pubic hair (or shaved, sexy girlie skin, if you shave down there).

Now, the way lots of girls like to finger themselves to orgasm is slow, soft, and very very gently. First, make sure it’s nice and wet (using spit and licking your fingers is always a great idea), you can use lube or even better – wet your fingers with your mouth. If you're really wet, you might even want to dip your fingers gently into your hole, and get them wet like that, before placing them over your clitty.

If you're not wet, don’t start playing with the clitty before you’ve touched your thighs and your pussy in other places: lick your lips, fantasize, pinch your nipples, run your hands up and down your body, along your inner thighs and your legs, maybe finger your ass: whatever it takes to get you wet, whatever you like. You can talk dirty too - lots of girls find that a big turn-on even if you're talking to yourself.

When you're ready, place one or two fingers (your first and middle finger, usually) over your clitty, when it’s wet and slippery, and start to gently rub and tease. Rub it slowly from side to side, or up and down. Rub around it, too. Not hard. In fact, you might not want to have too much contact between your fingers and your pussy. Try to be as light and delicate as you can, just tease it and play with it as if it were the delicate petals of a flower.

You can vary the motion, firmness of your touch, and the speed with which you touch her, but at the end of it, you should be turning your clitty on and you should feel it swelling and expanding. If it’s getting less wet, spit on your hand or use pussy juice or more lube and keep it REALLY wet.

Once you're getting really into it, try to relax and let go, and eventually find a regular motion that you like, and repeat it again and again. Not necessarily harder or faster (unless that works), but perhaps more firmly, more repetitive. Circular motions usually work well. Sucking your nipple if you can while you’re doing it often helps.

When you're squirming and getting into it, just keep doing what you’re doing, continue with the motion, and before long, you should start throbbing (you’ll feel it pulsing) and you'll gyrate and have a really powerful orgasm. This can take anything from one minute to thirty minutes, but it’s usually between five and fifteen. Don’t keep going after five minutes if you're not enjoying it at all, you're probably not in the mood and need to try something different, or you're not relaxed enough. If you starts enjoying it less, vary it, because the idea is to BUILD the pressure and the pleasure. It’s a very slow, gentle process.

If it doesn’t work, don’t worry, it doesn’t work on every girl. Try a partner for the squirting one (write me again if you want that advice).

FINGERING YOUR CLITTY – harder

Some girls are hypersensitive and like it rough. With these girls, the above will work, and can often lead to more powerful orgasms, but there is a quicker, faster way. That way is fingering your clitoris (same place) much harder, pressing fairly hard down on it with your finger, and rubbing it from side to side.

This way, again, make sure it’s really wet and you're horny, then find the clit with your finger (this works standing up really well) and start moving your finger from side to side while pressing on it. As you starts to enjoy it, do it harder and faster. After thirty seconds to two minutes, you’ll start really enjoying it, and just keep going harder and faster. Make sure it’s wet. Press even harder on the clit itself and keep rubbing from side to side, over and over, as fast as you can.

If this hurts at any time, or you feel like you don’t like it, you should stop.

If it works, you’ll have, like, a mini-orgasm, where you suddenly go tense and peak and cum, quickly, then come down again. You can keep going and make yourself cum again. It’s not hard. Keep doing it till you gets sore if you like. Some women can orgasm ten or more times like this. My girlfriend and I broke the record when she came over a hundred times this way in less than an hour. So as you can see, this is very very very productive if you're hypersensitive and you do it right.

If those two don’t work, and you can't figure out how you like it (maybe ‘cause you doesn’t know), you need to try the squirting orgasm. This is the BEST of the three and involves going inside. You need a man or woman for this one... if you want me to stop by and help you out with it, I will. It's written for a man (or woman) doing it to you, because very few women can actually make themselves squirt.

MAKING HER SQUIRT
The greatest, most intense, and most powerful explosion any woman will ever experience...

There are many ways to use your fingers to make a girl go crazy, and some of the best are to be found by simple exploration - try different things, different numbers of fingers, different parts of her pussy and ass, and be innovative and inventive. Some of the best fingering comes in conjunction with oral... but there is one, shining act which transcends all sexuality, and gives a woman - any woman - the best orgasm of her LIFE. This is not the kind of knowledge which should be bestowed upon predators or misogynists. You should only know this and use this if you LOVE women. So if you do not love and cherish and worship and adore women, then stop reading now.

Some will tell you that this is a myth: it is not a myth. Trust me. You'll be glad you did. Those are the same people that will tell you masturbating makes you go blind and bald. They are clueless and indoctrinated. Listen to me. You'll be amazed. You'll also be considered a stud, without ever having to take your cock out of your pants. Not that you care if women label you as a stud, right? Right? ;-)

Here goes:

Start by performing a little oral on her inner thighs, labia and clitty especially, to get her nice and wet. For "little oral" read "lots of oral" if she loves oral or it's going well. The rest of this (except for, perhaps, the very end) can be enhanced by continually sucking and licking the clitoris throughout the duration of the act - oral definitely increases the power and pleasure or the female ejaculating orgasm. I repeat, THE SQUIRTING ORGASM IS MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN IF YOU FOLLOW ALL THIS ADVICE *WHILE* STILL LICKING HER CLIT!!!

Now, take the hand that you write with, and take the two fingers closest to your thumb (your pointer/index finger and your middle finger) and make them wet with your mouth, with hers, or with her pussy juice (she should be dripping fucking wet for this to work properly).

MAKE SURE YOUR NAILS ARE TRIMMED AND NOT SHARP. Otherwise she may get an owie in there. So to speak.

Slide those two fingers in, with the fingerprint part of the fingers facing up (nails down), slide them in firmly but slowly, an inch or two or three into her sexy pussy. If she is really tight you make need to start with one, and if there is a lot of wetness but resistance, you may need to tease and taste her pussy some more. Once you get those fingers in, tease her inner walls slowly with the pads of your fingers, and get her even more juicy. When you think that she is ready to have the orgasm of her life, you may begin:

Now you will maneuver your fingers to find her g-spot. Yes, it exists, and yes, every woman has one. Slide your fingers in about 2 inches, then UPWARDS, and then BACK towards the front of the pussy, towards yourself but up inside her (like you're going up behind her clitty). You are making a beckoning motion to her, like you are a traffic cop telling a car to come forward, while inside her. Her g-spot is actually a patch of her inner walls which is on the FRONT INNER WALL of her pussy, above the hole itself. So, in, up, and back towards the entrance. You should feel, on that wall, a very rough patch of skin, rougher than the rest of her smooth inner pussy. Is it bumpy? Does the skin feel different? If she's really turned on, is it a little squelchy or sponge like? Ooh. You've found it. Congratulations.

By making a beckoning motion with your two fingers (a come hither, bending fingers motion), you should be able to pull the fingerprint/pad part of the tips of your two fingers against that spot. Try it. Pull back against it with your two fingers and press a little. Like you are picking up the shopping bag that is her pussy with two fingers. Tease it, stimulate it with your fingers. Make her feel good. She should be squirming and breathing very heavily by now.

As you start to rhythmically tap/press/pull/poke your fingertips against the g-spot, she should start getting wetter. If you're doing it right, and she's comfortable with it, you'll start to hear squelching, sponge-like sounds. The g-spot is like a sponge, it contains a lot of liquid, and feels rough. Keep pressing your fingers against it, over and over, rhythmically, with the same kind of rhythm as if you were sliding your cock in and out of her pussy, only increasing in speed and intensity as you go... you may be able to maintain constant rhythm, and still make her squirt, but you may have to get faster and harder as you go... you should be able to read her signs and tell.

As she starts to get wetter, and enjoy it more, you can start doing it harder. If doing it harder makes her go wild and start thrashing from side to side, the harder you do it. Eventually, if she's one of the girls who likes the rapid, forceful finger-fucking of her G-spot, you can replace the tapping/poking of the g-spot with an outright speed-sliding of those two fingers in and out of her hole. Do it faster and faster, maintain the rhythm, but increase the force. Even when you're slamming them straight in and out of her hole, try and maintain an upward, outward force with the fingertips, so you're still pressing up against that g-spot even as you're slamming her with your fingers with reckless abandon. Slamming her, but UP AGAINST the g-spot... you don't even have to pull your fingers out of the hole.

You can also try rapid, hard-pressing and tapping, two or three taps per second, even four, if you can keep it up. That works with a lot of girls too. You're going to start feeling the burn and the pain in your wrist, but just bear with it and go for it... make her cum like she never has before.

Through all of this, she should be squelching, squirming and OBVIOUSLY loving it. If she's not, you should stop. If she says it hurts (especially if she says it more than once), you might want to stop or at LEAST slow down or not do it so hard. Make sure she's always wet - not dry for any period of time.

Now here's the crucial part. When she gets close to ejaculation, she will say that she needs to pee. SHE DOES NOT NEED TO PEE. SHE IS NEARLY THERE. SHE IS ABOUT TO SQUIRT. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO STOP, AND SHE WILL NOT PEE. It's just a temporary sensation that will pass, but you have to make sure she knows about it beforehand, and you have to make sure she does not stop you, and you do not desist in your slamming. Hold her legs apart with the other hand, if you have to. You can even use your head or knees or whatever to hold her legs open, but try and keep her relatively still (or she might get hurt on your fingers), hold her down/in place, you must KEEP GOING. In fact, when she needs to pee, that's when you should start doing it harder, cause orgasm is around the corner. You're right on the edge.

10-50 seconds after the pee sensation begins, she will start to cum. When she does, DON'T STOP. Just do it harder and harder and harder, pressuring the g-spot upwards all the while. Now she should start to ejaculate. She'll scream, and her pussy will start shooting clear (transparent), odorless liquid all over the place. There could be a lot of it, it might soak you completely and soak the sheets and everything around her, so make sure you're prepared.

There's also the possibility that if she's not been drinking enough water, or there is some other factor involved, she might not actually shoot or spray liquid out. It might leak, or there might be very little liquid at all. If that is the case, it doesn't mean you didn't make her squirt... she may have had the same type of orgasm with very little or no fluid, and it will still likely be the best orgasm of her life. Next time, you can make sure she's had plenty of fluids first so she can literally flood the room.

In fact, I guarantee you, if she's never had one before, the squirting orgasm will be the best orgasm of her life. In my experience, 97% of women are capable of having them, and in certain circumstances, given the right mood and level of arousal, I think it's more like 99.9%. If you want her to ejaculate in great volumes, have her drink lots of water before you do it, and stay well hydrated. Once she's finished squirting, SHE CAN SQUIRT AGAIN. Especially if you didn't do it too hard, and still got her to cum, you can usually start all over, and between one and ten minutes later, she'll be squirting again. Usually, you have to do it harder each time. My record is seven. The girl that squirted seven times in 45 minutes passed out for a night and half a day afterwards (it's physically exhausting and dehydrating) so be careful if you try more than 2 at once.

Most girls pass out after a couple of them. This is so intense it can easily make a girl fall in love and at the very least want to fuck your brains out, so use it wisely rather than to your advantage. Don't take advantage of people using this. If you do it wrong, or if she's on her period, she might bleed. That's usually okay, but just make sure you don't hurt her, and you stop if she's screaming with pain, rather than pleasure. You should always have a safe word with your partner, and you should always make sure she knows what you intend to do and that she's fine with it, especially because of the peeing sensation which might throw her off and make her make you stop, or hold herself back.

Incidentally, it is also possible to make her squirt using your cock (if you pound her hard enough, at the right angle, usually from behind in doggy style) but it is unusual, and difficult, and using your fingers is almost always a lot more effective.

Enjoy this, and I hope it works out for you; I hope it works out for HER, even more so. If it does - well, just wait and see. In this way, women are lucky, when it comes to sex... There's NO male equivalent - squirting is just absolute ecstasy, nothing less. Remember there are countless ways to make a woman cum and at least five different types of orgasms so don't limit yourselves to making her squirt whether it works for you or not.

I hope this rocks your world as it has done for many others, and I hope you love it. If you're a woman, even if you don't get to try it anytime soon, I hope reading it turned you on. Don't think I wasn't trying to turn you on. I am always trying to turn you on. Nothing gets me off more than that. I wish I was there right now - to do all of this to you. You deserve it, and how could I possibly turn you down, as horny as you are right now? Maybe you should get in touch with me. My e-mail address is below and I travel a lot.

I hope this answer helps you and I hope you come back to me in the future and let me know how this advice has helped you, and how things are going. Also, please take a second to rate me as an expert. Bear in mind this is a free service, and we are doing our best to help you just because we want to.

In return for this help, please do me one favour. Please listen to my music, it would mean a lot to me. It is my whole life. I am the lead singer and songwriter for Elipsus. We are along the lines of U2, Coldplay, Keane, Depeche Mode, Tears For Fears, New Order and George Michael. Please... Have a quick listen. If you like it, get the album, and become one of our fans. We need new fans all over the world and we'd appreciate it very much. Any feedback can be sent to foxelipsus@yahoo.com

Our official website: http://www.elipsus.net (sign our guestbook and get an album here)
And please add us on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/foxelipsus

You can also hear lots of songs on our press kit: http://www.sonicbids.com/elipsus

Thankyou and let me know how things go, and what you think of the music!

Sincerely
Fox from Elipsus...

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How Can I Tell If Someone Is Lying To Me? (Infidelity)

2011-11-27T13:51:00.001-07:00

How Can I Tell If Someone Is Lying To Me? (Infidelity):

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Emotional Affair: Learn the warning signs and protect your relationship

2011-11-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

By Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

Do you believe you're immune to having an emotional affair?

I think you'll be surprised just how common and easy it is to head down the slippery slope of emotional infidelity.

Texting Affairs Can Kill a Relationship

2011-11-18T11:58:00.001-07:00

Lately we have all been hearing about the dangers of cell phone texting while driving. People have been killed or seriously injured because of drivers’ distraction from the road. In fact a new law in California prohibits texting while driving because of such accidents. I for one have been guilty of this now criminal offense in the past, and must be very careful not to even think about doing it while I am behind the wheel.

Recently, I have become aware of a new danger inherent to texting. That danger occurs when a person finds out that his or her significant other, husband, wife, partner, or fiancé, has been texting someone else secretly.

Online Infidelity

2011-10-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

Online Infidelity:

257 things a girl wished a guy knew | Facebook

2011-10-21T12:35:00.001-07:00

257 things a girl wished a guy knew | Facebook:

'via Blog this'

257 things a girl wished a guy knew | Facebook

2011-10-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

257 things a girl wished a guy knew | Facebook:

'via Blog this'

45 Things a girl wants but will NOT ask for!

2011-10-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

45 Things a girl wants but will NOT ask for!:

'via Blog this'

99 Facts about Guys that Girls should know!

2011-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

99 Facts about Guys that Girls should know!: "31 ways to make a girl smile (: (11,652 views)"

It doesn’t matter whether she’s your girlfriend, girl you’re after, or your wife.. Here are a few tips to make a girl (in general) happier.

Be true to her. The truth might hurt, but when she finds out you’re lying, it’s worse.
Love what/who she loves. How can her little puppy at home be irritating?
Spend quality time with her! She wants your full attention.
If you’re really that busy, give her a call when you can.
If you’re not even free to make a call, or cannot call during working hours, a text message warms her heart as well.
Hold her hands in public. Be proud of her!
Hug her! Hugs are stronger than kisses.
Kiss her more, of course.
Don’t sweet talk. Say nice things to her but make sure they’re always true!
Respect her.
Listen to her. Spend some time everyday listening to what she has got to say!
Gifts! It doesn’t have to be any special day. Neither has it gotta be expensive.
- Flowers - they love it.
- Soft toys – if she’s not allergic, why not?
Get to know her friends. Especially the people she mix around.
Remember the anniversaries. Men often time forget these dates. It’s time you have an organiser to remember them.
Care for her. Who doesn’t need some care?
Tell her you love her. Simple 3 words “I love you” isn’t so hard to say, right?
Send her a text and say good morning. She’ll feel good to see her boyfriend’s text early in the morning. It might wake her up, but she’ll still smile.
Buy her her favourite food. Not hard right? How about dining at her favourite restaurant?
Drop some vocabulary – such as ‘old’, ‘fat’, ‘ugly’. If you love her, these few words shouldn’t exist in your dictionary.
Praise her. Be it a great job done, nice make up or a nice dress she wore, she’ll be happy.
Compromise! She loves it but you’re not having pasta everyday, are you?
Let her feel loved (on bed). She needs good sex as much as you do. Do I still need to elaborate?
Sing her a song. Just a verse would be good.
Share a joke with her. Laughing is the best medicine.
Be romantic. The beach and the stars? The park and the bench?
Don’t mention your ex-girlfriends. She hates it.
Don’t compare her with other girls. I know Jamie was good at this but every girl is different. Accept it. Move on.
Surprise her. Who doesn’t like surprises?
Massage her. She’ll feel you care.
Don’t quarrel over anything. Discuss about it. Problems can be solved with discussion.

The points above can be summarised: Spend optimum time, Buy some gifts, Love and care for her and give her more attention. That’s about all.

How do you ususually make your girlfriend happier? Any tips to share?

5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship

2011-10-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

by Elliott Katz

What kind of man does a woman really want?

Lesson #1: Take responsibility

Learn from Adam. Don't do things you know are wrong and then blame others. If you make a mistake, take responsibility for your actions. One of the meanings of the word "husband" is someone who skillfully manages his household. A manager takes responsibility. As Adam experienced, there is little sympathy for a man who blames a woman for something that has gone wrong. He's often still held responsible. People will ask him, "Why did you let it go on?" A man has to look at himself and see how he can change his own actions to properly handle similar situations.

Lesson #2: Show leadership

If a man wants to be seen as worthy and have a good relationship with a woman, he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it. People admire those who step forward to handle difficult situations. We don't admire those who stand back and wait for others to solve the problem.

Some men avoid taking the lead because they don't want to be criticized. They think they're playing it safe. A man should say, "I'll handle it," and take the initiative to find solutions. If he's not sure what the solution is, do what other leaders do -- consult the many sources of information available.

Lesson #3: Make decisions

One of the meanings of the word "manly" is being decisive. A man needs to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. If he's reluctant to make decisions, she may resent him. Part of making decisions is understanding the other person's views and being flexible. She doesn't want someone controlling her, but she also doesn't want someone who leaves every decision to her. A man who is afraid of making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions? -- someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes.

Lesson #4: Be strong

The Talmud asks: Who is strong? He who can control his passions (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1). Someone who can control his anger is better than a physically strong man who can conquer a city. Blowing up in anger can seriously damage a relationship. If a man thinks he can't control his anger, he should imagine being angry at someone, the telephone rings and it's his boss. Would he calm down? Of course, or he'd lose his job. Not getting angry doesn't mean he accepts bad treatment; he calmly sets limits on the treatment he accepts from others.

Lesson #5: Be manly

Being manly is not being macho. Manliness is the positive qualities of decisiveness, strength in one's convictions, confidence, self-reliance, high moral qualities, self discipline, honesty and integrity. A man who is manly has courage to be able to deal with difficulty, pain or danger without backing away despite his fear.

To women: ask your husband to read this. To men: If after years of watching Homer Simpson, you haven't heard these ideas before, ask your wife if this is what she wants. You may be surprised at her response.

This article can also be read at: http://www.aish.com/f/m/48944586.html

Forgiving a Cheater - Staying together After an Affair

2011-09-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

Forgiving a Cheater - Staying together After an Affair:

WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?

I actually got this concept from a very old episode of Oprah. Basically what she said, is that it is cheating if you would behave differently if your partner were watching.

That is an excellent definition. For many people an affair means sex. But for other people an affair is anything flirtatious. For some couples, certain behaviors are totally acceptable, like going to a go-go bar, or flirting online in a chat room. For others, such behavior is cheating. Some couples have an open relationship where they can engage in extra-marital sexual situations, but many of those couples have their own rules, such as - no kissing, no friends, no second times.

It is important to make sure you and your partner agree as to what constitutes unacceptable behavior. What anyone else thinks should have no baring on what you and your partner agree to together. But it is vital that you and your spouse are on the same page where this is concerned.

So, you and your spouse agree on parameters for your own relationship. And your partner breaks that agreement.

Now what?

TYPES OF AFFAIRS

There are many different kinds of affairs.

1 - There is the kind where something stupid happens without premeditation or thought. A bachelor party that goes too far. A drunken night in Vegas. "Oops. Sex Happened. I didn't know what I was doing."

2 - There is the kind where it's all intimacy but no physical sex takes place. Affairs online are probably the most common type of affair. Workmates, partners, online chat-rooms... "Since I didn't actually have sex, it's not cheating."

3 - And then there is the full on affair: planned meeting, purposeful rendezvous. Thoughts, romance, sharing, talking, intimacy and sex, all taking place over a period of time. Premeditated. Lying. Everything. "This isn't just a sexual affair. It is an affair of the spirit, mind, and heart."

AFTER AN AFFAIR

Can you forgive a partner that violates the agreement you've made together regarding cheating? Can the marriage survive in a healthy way? That depends.

The first thing you really need to consider is, what kind of affair it was. Let's bluntly break it down.

1 - If it was an "Oops, sex happens" thing, I think from the three types of affairs I described above, this is the easiest to forgive. I'm not saying it's OK, justified, or acceptable on any level. I'm not even saying I would forgive it. But if anyone were to forgive any kind of cheating, I can understand this one the most.

In this situation, someone's head and heart can still belong to you. The flesh was weak. Stupid. Drunk. An opportunist. In a very general way, I can understand forgiving a mistake. 'Still not saying I would, but I can understand.

2 - If it were the affair I described in the second example, that's much more than "a mistake." It's purposeful deception. An affair someone has with a person online, or a coworker, or some situation where sex doesn't happen but there is an intimacy and sharing of emotions and thoughts, is a much deeper thing. The idea that your partner spent time with this person, thinking about them, planning to be with them, having conversations and secrets, laughing and crying... to me this is much more important than one drunk night where someone's pants fell off.

Another point to be made about this, is that there is no way in hell your partner didn't know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn't have kept it secret. You would have been included in those long conversations or chats, you would have been invited to those meetings, if there really was nothing to hide.

This is not only a betrayal of your vows and promises, it is blatant disrespect to you as a person. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is much worse than cheating sexually.

3 - The third situation I described above is the full fledged Affair. The whole big enchilada. Purposeful planned meetings, sex and intimacy, closeness and conversation... an Affair, that goes on over a period of time. The ultimate betrayal of every thing that should mean any thing to your partner.

FORGIVE? FORGET?

Is it possible to forgive and forget that third example? That full fledged purposeful intentional affair of the heart, mind, and body?

I think the better question is, why the hell would you? Why would you even think about taking back someone that is capable of lying to your face over and over and over again. Why would you want to be with someone whose promise means nothing?

If this is where you are, you really need to ask yourself what the real reason is for you to even entertain staying married to this person.

If your reason is "for the children" please think again. Do you really want to teach your children that infidelity is OK, or that lying to people you pretend to love is OK? You aren't showing your kids what it is to forgive; you are only showing your kids what it is to be a doormat.

Any person who grew up as a child in a household that "stayed together for the children" will tell you what I'm saying. I promise - any one of them will back me up. Many books have been written on this subject, on the guilt those children feel when they grow up for the parent's being miserable, on the lessons they take away from living like that. It's the dumbest reason in the world to stay together.

If your reason to want to work it out is that you still love this person, think about what self respect means. Get a little therapy. Take a little time. Think about how this person treated you by lying and cheating. Love is hard, and most of us at one time or another has loved the wrong person. But spending your life with a person that clearly does not love you back is a horrible thing to do to yourself. It's a horrible lesson for your children. It's soul sickening.

Let's make this clear: You deserve to be loved. This person does not love you. No matter what they've said out of guilt or fear, they do not love you.

A HEALTHY EVER-AFTER

The healthy thing to do is not spend time and energy and heartache on a marriage that isn't worth it.

There are reasons as to why your mate cheated. Maybe you married young, maybe he has real emotions for this other person. Maybe she's fucked-up, maybe he's just a coward. Maybe the marital sex hasn't been all that. Maybe kids, finances, illnesses, work pressures, and a million other things are involved.

The problem isn't that "problems" cropped up.

The problem is your mate's CHOICE was to handle the problems by lying and cheating.

A person that promises their life to you, then chooses to be a coward when the going gets tough, is not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. This person demonstrated in the biggest way possible that they do not love or respect you.

Your mate should have come to you. There should have been communication and trust. If after real effort you couldn't work it out, then your mate should have initiated last resort separation proceedings. If your partner was that unhappy, they should have gotten out of the relationship.If they loved and respected you at all, that's what they would have done.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

All text is original content by Veronica.
All photos are used with permission.
All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.
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Married And Happy: How To Deal With A Wife Who Has Cheated On You And You Want To Stay With Her...

2011-09-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

Now, I'll say right up front that this is such a personal matter with so many variables that only you can decide how and what is the best way to deal with your wife's infidelity. A person can decide that the marriage has been irreparably damaged and get a divorce. Or, a person can acknowledge their partner made a foolish mistake and forgive her for it and move on.

If your case is such that you want to forgive your wife and move forward, then I would like to help you by explaining what forgiveness really means...

Forgiveness rarely means that someone comes to you, tells you they were wrong, and asks you to forgive them.

The tendency in people is to view the act of forgiving as an authority figure (themselves) granting forgiveness to a subject (the other person) who has begged and pleaded for forgiveness. In other words, they think of forgiveness as a ceremonial act of PARDONING another person.

In reality, forgiveness is picking the thorns of negativity out of your own mind.

Forgiveness is casting out the little black thoughts that would like to harbor in the shadows of your mind because of what someone else said or did.

Forgiveness is looking beyond your aggravations, irritations, justifications, and rationalizations.

Forgiveness is putting out of mind the many times others have pained you, upset you, and trod over you.

Forgiveness is refusing to become irritated, aggravated, and frustrated when someone does something you don't like. It's replacing the little "zing's", slurs, or comments you at first want to say with something that makes the other person feel good about themselves.

Forgiveness is no longer allowing it to bother you when others are too fast, too slow, too much, not enough, they did or they didn't, etc.

Forgiveness is stepping outside of your own feelings based on your experiences and values and stepping into the experiences and values of the other person - and then being able to truly say, "I understand how you feel."

If you're unable to step into their experiences and values, then it's accepting them as they are and saying, "You have a right to feel the way you do." or, "I've never experienced that, but I think if I were in your place, I'd probably feel the same way you do."

Forgiveness is keeping quiet when you really want to tell someone how irrational and illogical their behaviors and feelings are. The fact is, if you were in their shoes and had their reasons, you'd probably have the same behaviors and feelings.

Forgiving is choosing to look for and see only the good in others rather than entertaining thoughts of criticism, condemnation, or hatred.

Forgiveness is a lifestyle that does not expect individuals to be faultless - that does not cast people into roles of perfection - because expectations of perfection result in irritation and anger.

Forgiveness is a mindset that understands this person has been hurt by someone, someone has made them feel unwanted and unloved, that they didn't matter, that they didn't count.

Forgiveness is letting go of and giving no energy to the negative, the unpleasant, the undesirable, the unwanted that someone else has injected into your life. And probably, that person is totally indifferent about the whole situation and could care less whether what they did or said was what you wanted. And by you letting go and giving it no energy, that's forgiveness...and you can do that as frequently and often as you need to, can't you?

FOR you must GIVE up on harboring anything in your mind that's not what you want in your life - as your dominant thoughts become what you attract more of. And, after you're through FORGIVING everyone and everything (including yourself if need be), that leaves nothing in your mind but LOVING POWER - the most influential and persuasive power there is.

Understanding, empathy, and tolerance melt away annoyance, judgment, irritation, and aggravation - all of which is summed up in a single word: forgiveness.

Pause for a moment and consider these two quotes from Richard Nixon:

"The greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes when you are really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes; because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain... Always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember: Others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win, unless you hate them. And then, you destroy yourself."

"I've not lost until I hate as I've been hated."

I never knew Richard Nixon nor have I ever bothered to study out the Watergate Scandal but these quotes make it clear to me that President Nixon understood what it meant to forgive - even though no one else was asking him for forgiveness.

Think of that! Can you begin to fathom how much POWER and FLEXIBILITY this kind of a forgiving attitude gives you?

Bottom line, forgiveness is for YOU so that your spirit soars free, your mind functions clear and powerfully, your feelings support you positively, and your wife-seduction results are outstanding.

Copyright 2007, Article by Calle Zorro. http://www.marriedandhappy.com/

Cheating partner: Should I stay or should I go?

2011-09-04T00:58:00.000-07:00

Cheating partner: Should I stay or should I go?:

Are you in a situation where You're wondering if you should leave your cheating partner or you KNOW you should leave him - but you're not sure if you're making the right decision?

When love comes into equation, 'a second chance' no doubt will present itself to the cheating partner.

So this article would be quite important to you as you decide what to do in regards to your cheating partner. First of all, once you decide on something, do it and do not stay in between. It is dangerous to be in limbo state.

The very first step you should do is to accept that the cheating has happened. You should not ignore that nor put that at the back of your head.

Secondly, you should know that 'stay or go' decision should be made once you've gone through the initial shocking stage of 'just caught your partner cheating on you'.

Here are a few factors and questions that you should take into consideration when deciding whether you should stay or go and leave your cheating partner.

1. Did your partner acknowledge his mistake and the pain it has caused? Did he apologize and have you seen any effort on their part trying to save the relationship?

2. Has your spouse/partner cut all ties with the other party? This is a must - failing this step is an immediate fail i.e. you should seriously consider leaving him

3. Is your cheating partner or spouse willing to talk about what happened and try to learn from it?

4. Can you get yourself to stop suspecting him of another infidelity?

5. Do you think you can ever rebuild the trust in this relationship?

6. Is your partner or spouse willing to talk about boundaries and what's not acceptable vs what's acceptable in your relationship going forward?

7. Have you discussed the issue of honesty and communication as a basis for your relationship rather than just a promise of staying faithful?

8. Are you willing to forgive him - and move forward in your relationship sometime in the future?

Finally, I must say that you are responsible to make your OWN decision. No one would be able to make that for you (Hence this article) - If I can make a decision for my friends I would've told them for me personally, cheating is a deal breaker.

Remember, A decision you make now will affect your future.

Whatever you do, don't stay if you can't handle it, but don't leave regretting it every moment.

P.S. Making a decision such this is never an easy thing especially when your heart does not agree with your head. No matter what it's going to be hard to take the plunge on whether or not you should leave the relationship.

I agree, no tools or quiz can make the decision for you, although there are some ebooks written on the market on this subject such as: "Should You Stay or Should You Go?"

Do you consider divorcing your cheating partner? click here to read what needs to be taken into account.

Emotional affair: What to do when you think you are stuck in it?

2011-09-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

Emotional affair: What to do when you think you are stuck in it?:

Emotional affair can damage just as much as physical affair. When you commit your time, your heart and emotion to someone else instead of your partner, it can definitely be a risk to your relationship.

You subconsciously (or consciously) lie to your spouse, betray their trust in terms of what you think of this specific friend of yours, and it can take long time to overcome.

First of all, you can be sure you are involved in an emotional cheating when you have a close relationship with one member of the opposite sex - and you admit there might be something more to it than just a platonic friendship. In fact I've written an article on it. Read 'Emotional affair vs Friendship: Is that 'friend' starting to play with your emotion?' (will open in a new window)

No matter how this special friendship began, the first remedy to an emotional affair is a choice made by you to protect yourself and your relationship.

You have to get ready to take yourself away from it. You have to believe that you can get out of it. A promise to yourself to 'never act out on your attraction toward this special friend of yours' is just not enough.

These are some of the things that you can do to take yourself out from this dangerous cheating capacity:

1. Set a clear boundary. Know that a boundary is 'a boundary', there is never a time where you can just say 'Oh well..', 'just this time' etc.

2. Try to avoid being in a romantically possible situation with the friend you are attracted to. Some says, 'if you can't handle it, don't go there'.

3. Refrain from saying bad things about your spouse. Bring up at least one good thing about your spouse when talking to this friend of yours.

4. When your friend tell you a story, try to sometimes secretly imagine what your spouse will do in those situation.

5. Refrain bringing up emotional issues you are having in your marriage or relationship. Save that for a same-sex friend that you trust and or your marriage counselors.

6. Try not to have rendesvouz with work colleagues too often outside work. It is even more dangerous when you spend time outside work with your 'regular work colleague'.

7. Think before you act when it comes to your friend. Is it acceptable?

On a side note, I never personally believe a platonic friendship can form between a woman and a man. However, I must say that hanging on to a great friendship is a must.

However so, there are times when friendship can turn into something more once boundaries are crossed, and that's when you should take the big step back to protect yourself from the possible emotional affair.

Related article:

Emotional affair vs Friendship: Is that 'friend' starting to play with your emotion?

Emotional affair: What to do when you think you are stuck in it?

2011-09-04T00:51:00.000-07:00

Emotional affair vs Friendship: Is that 'friend' playing with your emotions?

2011-09-04T00:49:00.000-07:00

Emotional affair vs Friendship: Is that 'friend' playing with your emotions?: "harder to get out of - addictive huh?

Okay, I remember working in an office where everybody loved to gossip very much. There was this guy (married guy) who seemed to be so close to one particular work colleague of mine.

People have made statements about them, and finally I heard the words said "Oh we're just friends." - a very dangerous sentence that links strongly "

'via Blog this'

Before you start let me make one thing clear to you. Emotional affair is actually more dangerous than physical affair. Not to mention it is harder to get out of - addictive huh?

Okay, I remember working in an office where everybody loved to gossip very much. There was this guy (married guy) who seemed to be so close to one particular work colleague of mine.

People have made statements about them, and finally I heard the words said "Oh we're just friends." - a very dangerous sentence that links strongly with the term 'emotional affair' and 'marriage havoc'.

Ok, it's not that I didn't believe the fact that there was nothing going on between them, but it could just be a start of an extramarital affair. Most real physical affair started emotionally as 'friends'.

In fact, starting to have a special but-we're-just-friends relationship outside your marriage is more dangerous compared to having a one drunken night stand during an office party.

So whilst having friendships with the opposite sex is a great thing, having emotional affair is not.

The line can sometimes get blurry, so here are some guidelines that separate them both:

Friendship:

1. You love your friend and you can do anything for her, but one thing you cannot do.. you cannot imagine having sex with her. At the very least, if you close your eyes and imagine having sex with your friend...you don't get turned on. (Okay some friends are good looking and you CAN imagine having sex with her... but you just don't).

2. You don't share details of your relationship especially its troubles to your significant friend. Those are just for the same-sex support group.

3. You look forward to catch up with your friend socially, but you don't keep wanting to see her when you're with your partner.

4. Your partner knows about your friend, also knows when you are actually catching up with your friend.

5. Your partner supports your friendship with your friend.

6. You don't daydream and fantasize about your friend a lot.

7. You don't tend to hide your not-so-good side from your friend. 8. There are more things that your partner knows that your friend doesn't know of.

9. You don't think twice to set your friend up with someone, and you feel happy when you see your friend go on dates.

10. You smile when you think about your friend getting married.

Emotional Affair:

1. There is some sort of chemistry attraction developed - even subconsciously. You wonder how it is to kiss your friend or to touch her. You imagine having sex with her.

2. You share details of your relationship to your friend. In fact, you love sharing your trouble and you love it when your friend listens to you so well.

3. You look forward to catch up with your friend even when you are with your partner. You think of your friend some when in the middle of your supposedly romantic night with your partner.

4. Your friend's name come up way too often in conversations.

5. You hide some information about your friendship from your partner. You lie when asked for information on how you two spent your time together.

6. You find yourself saying the magic phrase 'But we are just friends' on many occassion.

7. Your friend knows more intimate things about you compared to your partner.

8. You day dream about your friend a lot.

9. Your partner is unsupportive of your friendship. Somehow this friend of yours bother your partner.

10. You are jealous towards your friend's date. You secretly hope she will stay together with you rather than finding her true love.

We are all subject to emotional affair, and knowing your vulnerability against it is actually a good thing.

Now as I mention in many of my other articles, attraction is not a choice, cheating is definitely a choice. If you find yourself starting to get trapped into the emotional affair world. Make considerable effort to get out of it.

Remember, office affair, affair with your best friends and other affair doesn't just magically happen.

It goes through choices - choices that your brain can make. A choice that you can make with clear consequences and risk, whether it is a risk to your marriage, a risk to damage your relationship, or kids.

Read: what to do when you think you are in an emotional affair with someone?