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This Journey Called Marriage - Day 6

2016-10-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

This Journey Called Marriage - Day 6

5 Steps To Take Toward Two Becoming One

Yesterday I shared a story about how my husband and I had assumptions and expectations based on our family of origins that led us to approach vacationing in two different ways. This created a divide in our relationship. So we had to figure out a way for our family to vacation.

Your Turn! Choose an area where you feel you and your spouse have yet to become one and determine how you can work toward unity.

Here’s how:

1. Determine an area in your relationship - such as holiday celebrations or handling money - where you feel divided, but would like to feel united.

2. Set aside a time, with a time limit of about 1 ½ hours, to talk about the agreed upon topic. (This is a good opportunity to use the Dialoguing Tool.)

3. Talk about what each of your experiences has been:

· For example, let’s say you have very different spending habits and you’ve identified that this is an area where each of you have been impacted by the way your family of origin dealt with finances. You've discovered distinct differences in your approach as a result.
· What did you see/experience in your family regarding finances? Each of you should take a few minutes uninterrupted to talk about your experience.
· How are these approaches different? How are they the same? Discuss.
· What is most important to you regarding your finances? Is there a habit or tradition you’d like to keep that has been passed down by your family (a detailed budget, for example).

4. Talk about how you can “marry” both of your approaches.

· Where can you compromise?
· What needs to change?
· What would you like to keep from your family of origin and what would you like to change?
· Are there any non-negotiables? Can you agree to them?
· Now discuss how you can go forward as a couple, working on your finances in a way that is agreeable to both of you.

5. Still need more time to discuss? Set up another intentional time to talk more about your finances and be accountable to that meeting time.

There are lots of other similar opportunities to become one. In the case of my husband Chris and I there were definitely times when we wondered what we were doing together because our preferences were so very different. A few areas that Chris and I have worked through in our marriage include choosing how we as a family celebrate holidays, figuring out social balance, developing time and house/clutter management habits, and more.

Sometimes, the working out of our differences is stressful, but in the end it’s always been worth it!<=Click to Tweet

This Journey Called Marriage - Day 5

2016-10-23T10:33:00.001-07:00

This Journey Called Marriage – Day 5

The Way We Do the Things We Do

So how do two separate people become one? <=Click to Tweet

Well of course there is the obvious that happens through intimacy in the one flesh relationship. And there is also the reality of developing a new family. And that means embracing traditions, celebrations, habits, communication styles we agree on.

We can get into a whole lot of trouble when we assume that the way we WILL live out our lives in this new family is going to be the same way we did through our families of origin.

We may not even realize that we are expecting life to be much the same as life in our “old” family. Yet, we may find ourselves arguing with our spouse about some things over and over again. Whether we’re newly married or we’ve been married for several years, these assumptions and expectations can wreak havoc until we identify them. Then, once identified, we can either take steps to blend our family of origin’s way of doing life or choose entirely new ways to move ahead on this journey called marriage.

Here is one example of how Chris and I, (two separate individuals with different family histories and traditions,) worked on becoming united as one.

Many of us come to our marriage with established ways of vacationing – renting a home in the same place and at the same time every year, cruising, international travel, a family reunion every year, or no vacation at all because the idea is frivolous or too costly.

I had gone to Cape Cod with my family of origin pretty much every year all my life when I met Chris. In fact, Labor Day weekend on the Cape is a pretty sacred tradition among my sisters and another family we’ve all known since we were five and under. So I assumed we would continue this tradition forever…duh! Well, Chris wanted options. He didn’t value this trip the way I did…and these friends weren’t really hisfriends at the time (though they have since become very good friends!). To me, however, these Cape Cod friends were and are extended family.

After a few years of heading up to the Cape together, Chris began to resent this trip and feel a little trapped. When he suggested we change things up, I was resistant. I tend to be nostalgic and I had so many happy family memories of this magical place. It was a place where growing up, despite an often-tumultuous family atmosphere, we experienced an unusual level of harmony.

Through a few sometimes stressful conversations, Chris and I came up with a plan to forge our own vacation path. We decided to go to Cape Cod for a week before my family of origin came together for the final weekend of the summer. This way, Chris could get to know Cape Cod with our family and possibly grow to love it too. We had a wonderful week together and by the time the whole gang convened, we were ready for the rest of my family to join us.

The next summer, I was even ready to try a new location for our family vacation. Together Chris and I decided to try Maine. With Acadia National Park’s kid-friendly off-road bike trails and hikeable mountains, it sounded like a beautiful, family-friendly destination. So off we went. And wouldn’t you know it, Southwest Harbor, Maine, became our new family vacation spot for many years to come. We would go there the last week in August and head for the Cape for Labor Day Weekend on our way home. This trip became a very happy vacation arrangement for us all.

One summer, Chris decided he wasn’t coming to the Cape for Labor Day weekend at all. He wanted a true break from the tradition. He headed off instead to Colorado to be with his best friend. I wasn’t thrilled, but I knew he was again feeling like he was obligated to come to Cape Cod every single summer. He needed to feel like he had more of a choice. So this one Labor Day, I went one way with the kids in tow and Chris went the other to Colorado. As a result of this trip, Chris realized that actually he wasn’t trapped at all, that he could decide not to go to Cape Cod anytime. Rather than feel forced, this freedom enabled him to choose Cape Cod, which he did pretty much every summer after that.

Next we'll talk about steps to a productive conversation on how two people can become one in marriage despite differences.

The Journey Called Marriage - Tales, Tips, and Tools - Day 4

2016-10-18T19:16:00.002-07:00

Ever hear of “The Wedding Song”? Paul Stookey of Peter, Paul, and Mary wrote and first sang this song at bandmate Peter Yarrow’s wedding back in 1969. My sisters and I sang this song at weddings for many years, including our own.

One of the lines that stays with me is “A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home, they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.” This is based on the Scripture, That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh, in Genesis 2:24.

I’ve learned through my own marriage that separating from our families of origin and creating a new family is a critical component of a solid marriage.<=Click to Tweet

After all, marriage is between one man and one woman, not between one man, his mother, and a woman. And not between one woman, her best friend sister, and a man.

On Day 2 of This Journey Called Marriage, I talked about my husband wanting to straighten a few things out on our marriage prep weekend. One of the things Chris was concerned about was my very tight relationships with my family, in particular my sisters, and my oldest sister especially. I was crushed by Chris’ view of these sacred relationships. How could he want me to change these relationships? But it wasn’t that he didn’t love my sisters. Or that he wanted to hinder my relationships with them. It was just a little too much.

The problem really was me (well not, entirely, the fact that my sister was the first of the entire next generation and was adored by my relatives, treated like a goddess, particularly by my childless aunt who literally wanted to adopt her, may have had something to do with my feelings of self-worth!). I am a second child. And I have had to overcome a lot of the traits that go along with that role – comparison, envy, lack of self-esteem, never quite feeling good enough, easily offended, and often feeling left out.

As a result of my feelings of inadequacy, I looked to my sister as THE standard. I too felt the sun rose and set upon her. She could do no wrong. Everything my sister did and had was better – her job, her plans, her social life, her house, her marriage.<=Click to Tweet

I was not really aware of my viewpoint. But Chris could see it, very clearly. There were a few incidents that really pointed to my position in the family vs. my sister’s. And my husband was having none of it.

I remember one evening my father and his wife were having a dinner party with many of his work associates. Candles flickered throughout their beautiful home, the warmth of chatter and laughter filled the air. Just lovely. My sister was married and pregnant with their first child. It was an exciting time. However, my father went a little too far in his enthusiasm when he literally proudly paraded my sister and her hubby around the party and asked my then-fiance and I to please take peoples coats. While I kind of noticed this, it didn’t really affect me until Chris expressed his shock. “Wait…what?? We’re taking coats while he introduces your sister and her husband?” Oh he was so offended. I had a glimpse of what Chris saw.

Because my sister was older by only a couple of years, we shared many good times together and plenty of mutual friendships. We really were best friends. She had the upper hand and I was okay with that. So when she had an idea of a fun activity or event, I was all in. When, for example, she rented a home on a lake in New Hampshire, I wanted to do the same.

Chris wanted us to establish our own traditions and develop our family culture. I wasn’t outright opposed. It was just very natural to me to do what big sis was doing. And frankly I resisted my husband’s desires. What was the big deal? My sister had awesome plans and fun ideas, why couldn’t we just go along?

It took a while and it was painful for me to let go of wanting all of us, my family and my sister’s family, to be one big happy family. Chris, however, felt strongly about developing our family. It definitely caused some friction between us. Letting go is not my strong suit; I hold on pretty tight to the way things are. Eventually, however, I came to a place of understanding and Chris and I began to forge our own path.

I had to go on my own journey of self-acceptance of who I was. That helped Chris and I to determine what was most important to us within the context of our new family. I had to separate to some degree from my sister. And Chris and I had to determine our own set of values, carve out our own boundaries, make the relationship between us the primary one. We had to figure out who we were as a couple and a family apart from anyone else.

In time and with intention, Chris and I did work this out. It was part of our marriage journey of becoming “us.” And, thankfully, while my husband and our family comes first, my sister remains my best friend.

How about you? Is your marriage between you and your spouse? Is there a friend or family member(s) who may have a little too much influence on you and your marriage?

Click to check out The Wedding Song by Paul Stookey!

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This Journey Called Marriage - Day 3

2016-10-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Marriage Tool
The Gift of Dialoguing

One of the things I’ve learned in our almost 32 years of marriage is the importance of clear and ongoing communication.<= Click to Tweet

So much can derail the best of intentions – the demands of work, raising children, Bible study, volunteer commitments, writing (or trying to), the house, the meals. We all get it, right? Life is busy!

Chris and I learned one of the most effective tools for communicating during one of our church’s options for marriage preparation, a weekend called Engaged Encounter. That weekend investment reaped a harvest for us. We learned the concept of Love is a Decision, which was new to me and a little hard to believe in light of how star struck I was with my husband at the time. It wasn’t completely blind love, but it was close. Would I ever really have to “decide” to love this man who I felt totally in love with? We’ll talk more about that later…

The tool we learned that weekend (and relearned during a Marriage Encounter Weekend) that we still use to this day is called dialoguing.It’s a bit of a misnomer, as the definition of the verb dialogue that we’re all familiar with is: to take part in a conversation or discussion to resolve a problem. Conversation is part of this method of communicating, but the first part of dialoguing is actually in the form of a written letter to one another. This allows you to stop and think carefully through your answer on paper before you speak. It allows for more a response than a reaction.

Dialoguing can be used for:

Resolving a problem when you’re at an impasse and just can’t seem to resolve through conversation.
Connecting when you and your spouse’s lives have gotten so busy, you feel like ships passing in the night.
Deepening mutual understanding on an issue where there is a misunderstanding.

Rather than describe this any further, here are the steps to dialoguing:

1. Set a specific date and time you will set aside to dialogue for about 45 minutes. You will need about 10-15 minutes for writing. And then 30 minutes to actually exchange what you’ve written and talk about it.

2. Determine a question you would like to use to dialogue on. Some examples to consider*:

a. We seem disconnected. How can we be more intentional about communicating regularly and How Does This Make You Feel?

b. We don’t seem to agree on the best way to deal with our teenage daughter’s rebelliousness. How would I like to deal with this…and How Does This Situation Make Me Feel?

c. What am I struggling with right now and what is something I am having success with right now? How Does This Make Me Feel?

3. Grab a journal or notebook you will keep specifically for dialoguing.

4. Share the question with one another. Then set a timer for 10 minutes and write an answer to the mutually agreed upon question. Sometimes it helps to be in separate rooms.

5. Reconvene when the timer goes off. Exchange notebooks/journals and take 10 minutes to read your partner’s letter. Then read your partner’s letter out loud. This enhances understanding.

6. Once you’ve both read your letters, take an additional 20 minutes to talk about what you’ve read. Use this time to further understand one another. Ask questions for clarification. Try to listen carefully.

Dialoguing Tips:

1. Use “I” statements, especially regarding your feelings, rather than “you” statements. <= Click to Tweet This helps guard against defensiveness, offensiveness, accusations, finger-pointing. For example, “I feel hurt by your comment regarding the time I spend on writing” versus “You make me feel guilty about the time I spend on my writing.” Or “I feel overlooked when you leave the house without saying goodbye” versus “You never say goodbye when you leave the house.”

2. Discuss feelings. It’s important to write out your answer and equally if not more important to understand one another’s feelings. That’s why you want to include a “feeling” question as part of your overall dialogue question, such as “How does this make me feel?” or “How does my answer make me feel?”

3. Use a letter format that includes:

a. A loving salutation – Dear (Name), Dear Beloved – This gets you off to a welcoming opening no matter what your feelings might be.

b. Affirmation – Again, no matter how you’re feeling, find something affirming to say about your spouse. For example, “Today I really appreciated it when you got the kids breakfast and let me sleep a few extra minutes.” Or “You are a very kind person and I saw this in the way you greeted our neighbor yesterday.”

c. A few sentences in response the dialogue question.

d. A reflection on how your answer makes you feel.

e. A loving sign off, such as, “I am your devoted wife forever” or “You are my true beloved,” and there have been times when I have even signed off with something like, “Though I am feeling angry, I am still your loving wife.”

4. Materials Needed

a. A calendar to set up a time to dialogue

b. A journal or notebook and pen/pencil to dedicate to dialoguing.

c. A timer – It is important to stick to the time suggested. If you allow this time to go beyond the limits you’ve set, the time may become overwhelming and prohibitive.

* Note: You can tweak dialoguing to make it your own. My husband and I are grateful to Engaged Encounter and Worldwide Marriage Encounter, where we learned to use this tool. More information can be found at http://www.wwme.org/ and http://www.engagedencounter.org/.

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This Journey Called Marriage - Tales, Tips, and Tools - Day 2

2016-10-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

This Journey Called Marriage – Tales, Tips, and Tools

I had high hopes for our Marriage Prep weekend. We were joining about 15 other couples for a few days that would be like a private little bubble, removed from the hubbub and stress of planning a wedding and solely devoted to getting to know one another better. I imagined us holding hands, gazing into one another’s eyes, falling deeper and deeper in love, as we shared our hopes and dreams of our life together. So romantic!!

As we began our weekend, we met two couples and a priest who shared many stories of their lives all weekend. They shared their experiences to launch discussions between my husband-to-be and me and all the other future husbands and wives, which is done by way of writing letters to one another. Throughout this weekend, we would discuss just about everything – finances, sex, job and career expectations, children, family, goals, faith.

Our first session came with a warning, “There are people who find as they go through this weekend that they may not be ready yet for marriage. If that turns out to be you, talk to us. But realize that this is part of the purpose of this weekend…to make sure you get to know each other better and to pay attention to any red flags that may indicate you are just not quite ready to commit to marriage.” <=Click to Tweet

I may have thought to myself, “Oh how awful…Thank God I know that won’t be Chris and me!”

The first presentation was a young couple who shared their story of how they had grown apart as a result of having their first child. They were so focused on that little miracle of life that when they finally had their parents babysit and were able to go out for a bite to eat just the two of them, they sat across the table with very little to say to one another. They had lost their connection.

Again, I thought to myself, “What a shame. I’m sure that will never happened to us.”

The weekend was designed to teach us how to communicate more clearly, foster honesty, and dig deeper into our relationship. <=Click to Tweet

We were taught specifically how to dialogue. This is a fairly simple but powerful technique for sharing with one another. You basically pose a question, take about a half hour to write your answers separately, then come together and exchange your written answers. After reading one another’s answers, you discuss and ask questions about what you’ve read.

Oh I was so ready…So excited to share my heart. I loved this kind of reflection; an opportunity to know one another better and grow in love!!

The first question of the weekend was “Why are you here?” Easy enough.

We went off with our Engaged Encounter notebooks and I eagerly started writing.

“Oh my dear Chris,

I am here this weekend to grow in the beautiful love that’s already grown so deep. I just want to know you better. I love taking this next step toward our wedding day. I am so excited to be here. So thrilled to be heading toward life together forever…”

And on and on. I was so in love!!

Each couple was reunited in separate rooms to share in complete privacy what we had written in our journals. I was eager to read Chris’ letter which of course would mirror mine.

Whoa…our letters couldn’t have been more different. As I started reading Chris’ response, I quickly understood the reason Chris had come to our Engaged Encounter weekend was to straighten out some issues. For example, he was concerned about the impact my family might have on our marriage. Maybe I needed to separate a bit…

My heart pounded, tears stung my eyes as I shook my head in disbelief. I was

crushed. Oh my gosh! We were one of “those” couples. We were going to have to leave. I sure as heck wasn’t staying all weekend with this heartless unromantic brute. I began to sob and was seriously furious, broken hearted, and ready to bolt out of the room to explain to our weekend leaders that we would be leaving, thank you very much.

Chris was stunned by my reaction. He was just being honest. Of course he loved me, but he wanted to answer the question truthfully. He pleaded with me to stay…at least through one more presentation and opportunity to dialogue. I reluctantly agreed.

We stayed. And as the weekend went on, we grew closer, climbed hurdles, and opened up new understanding between us. Overall, it wasn’t fluffy and romantic, though there were moments that were. It was hard and gritty, honest and sometimes tear-filled. It was real. And we learned we could work through our differences. If we persisted and followed a few simple rules that ensured clear communication and respect, we could grow a deeper and richer love that would prove to be so much better, fiercer, dedicated than the sweet romantic notions I had conjured up.

How about you? Have you found ways to go deeper, even treading into rough waters, that have enriched your love? I’d love to hear about it.

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This Journey Called Marriage - Tales, Tips, & Tools

2016-10-05T20:38:00.004-07:00

We’ve been married 31 years, 32 in November. I suppose this could be a source of pride. After all, we’ve been able to “accomplish” what many cannot. But I’m not proud…I’m humbled. I’m grateful.

I didn’t have good role models of marriage…at least not in my home.

My parents divorced when I was 17, but the deterioration of their marriage began long before. Some of my earliest memories were hearing my parents fighting loud, hard scary. The anger between my parents grew roots of bitterness and resentment. And eventually, there was nothing left. No passion, no understanding, no love. There was a huge chasm between them until they were quite literally separated and finally divorced.

Would this story have been different if they were better equipped? If their marriage had been more intentional?

We’ll never know the answer. But I can tell you because of my family background and my husband’s too, we hadn’t a clue about how to have a successful marriage. So I am grateful that my church required marriage preparation and we chose a weekend away called Engaged Encounter.

And I am also grateful that during that weekend, I learned something that I didn’t like hearing at the time. But it turned out to be the big takeaway that has influenced our marriage time and time again.

Love is a decision. <- a="" href="http://ctt.ec/0q3d4" target="_blank">Click to Tweet

What? Love is a decision? But I already loved Chris. Maybe marriage was a decision. But a decision to love? How utterly unromantic! But how absolutely true...at least for us. And maybe for you too.

That one weekend laid a foundation in our marriage. Though we discovered some things that we didn’t necessarily see eye to eye on, we took the first steps together, united in our desire to not just get married but to stay married. We believed we would be married till death parted us. We just had no idea that this commitment would be dramatically tested, shaky, more than once.

Marriage is a journey. Each one as unique as the two people it represents. <-- a="" click="" to="" tweet="">

Ours has been a bumpy ride, with hills and valleys we never could’ve imagined, detours that took us far off the path of what we had hoped for, potholes that threatened to cause damage beyond repair. But we kept on driving. The adventure has been laced with the greatest of joys and rock bottom sorrows. We have learned a lot along the way.

There were times when our love was nothing but a decision…void of warm cozy feelings, missing the magic of passion. We were drained, broken, empty. Still, we decided to love, to stay, to work, to not give up.

So here we are…many years after that Engaged Encounter weekend. We just downsized. Moved from our home of 26 years, where we raised our family of four daughters. It was hard to leave, hard to say goodbye to the well-known, well-worn floors and walls, but our footsteps were starting to echo. And as we looked for our new home, it was as though we were looking for our first home together…as we had so long ago.

This. This here. Where we are now. This has made the decision to love so very worth it.

How about you? Did you learn something early on in your relationship that has stayed with you? Been a lifeline? I'd love to hear about it!

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Do You Think You're the Prize?

2016-06-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

Are You the Prize?

The Calling All Men Series

I was the chaperone on an 8^th grade trip to Williamsburg, Virginia, and Washington, D.C. You can imagine the scene…Three big busses full of loud, excited, hormonal teens rumbling over highway and byway, and me, one of the few “lay” chaperones, along with a few teachers. I wasn’t at all interested in watching Ace Ventura on the bus monitors, so I happily plugged myself into a series from one of my favorite bible study teachers, Joyce Meyers.

The Triumphant Marriage was the topic. Thick in the years of raising a gaggle of preteens, tweens, and teens, our marriage was ripe for a little boost and I knew Joyce would have some choice wise words. So I settled into the four-hour trip, ready to glean some marriage goodies from Joyce.

One of the things Joyce asked, which has stayed with me to this day, was the question, “Do you think you’re the prize?” (Continue Reading at Alecia Simersky's blog.)

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I Want to Say Yes to His Call

2016-02-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

I Want to Answer This Question with My Life

The problem is I don't always hear His voice. And right now I'm not sure what He's calling me to.

I don't like the unknown. But that's where I am. It's a bit of a waiting place. I have been blessed with certainty in the past. I have known for sure that I was hearing God and I knew what He was saying. Not so right now.

I shared this with a few friends recently. I feel like my life has been torn up into pieces and the pieces are fluttering down. I'm asking God to be clear about which of those pieces falling to the ground He wants me to pick up. I'm just not sure lately. I'm releasing it all to Him. Many facets of my life - What I do...Who I do it with...Where I do it?

I know God will answer. I know He will have an assignment for me. My friends described the pieces of paper as confetti. I'll take it. One day it will be a celebration of me knowing that it is I He will send...and I will answer with a resounding "Send me!"

Until then, I'll just have to trust that God knows my beginning from my end. And in the middle, I have to believe. Oh God, help me in my unbelief.

How about you? What's your story? Where are you on the journey? Do you hear God? Where does He want to send you?

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Now Is The Perfect Time to Dare to Dream

2016-01-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

This Is for the Dreamer-In-Denial Who Thinks God-Sized Dreams Are for Someone Else

* Do you dare to dream? Or do you think dreams are something only the really brave ones do? Or the extraordinary ones? Or the fools?

Today’s the day we’re staking claim to our dreams. <== Click to Tweet

It’s time to STOP:

Making excuses.

Judging your dream.

Looking at her dream.

Pushing down your dreams.

Brushing off your dreams.

Today’s the day to explore your dream. To name it and claim it. If that scares you, that’s okay. Do it anyway.

So what does your dream look like?

Is it something small and quiet? Something others may not even perceive if it comes true?
Is it huge and wild? An out-of-the-box idea that will forge a new path for you, for me, and maybe even for the world?
Is it a daydream? Something that creeps into the shadows as you let your mind wander?
Is it an idea or vision created in your imagination that does not seem real?
Is it new? Or something you have wanted very much to do, be, or have for a long time?

Today’s the day to stop denying yourself a good God-sized Dream.

You are worthy. You are chosen. You are called by God Himself to a purpose, a calling, a dream that He has planted only in you. If you don’t know what that is…then today I invite you, I ask you, I dare you to discover your dream. Just take a few little steps. Just start.

Start here and make a note of your answers:

What do you love to do?

What is the secret yearning that you wouldn’t dare share?

What have people always said about you? Asked of you? Appreciated about you?

What is unique, quirky, fun, different about you?

What are your Spiritual Gifts? (If you don’t know, you could take this FREE test here!)

Now give yourself the luxury of a few minutes to dream.

Get a cup of coffee or tea. Curl up in your cozy chair or lie down for a few minutes on your comfy couch. Grab your favorite throw. Do whatever it takes to relax, to give yourself space and time.
Take five deep breaths. Breathe in to the count of five and out to the count of seven. Release the tension in your body and the To-Do list, the distractions in your mind.
Invite God in. He is the author of your dreams. He is the Way of your dreams. He is the One who knows you and loves you more than you can imagine.
Go for it! Dream…

What do you want to do?
Where do you want to be?
What do you think you were made for?
If there were no obstacles – no fear, no financial hurdles, no time limits, no impossibilities, no naysayer (inside of you or outside of you) – what is your God-sized Dream?

Give yourself 10 minutes to think about this (or more if you have the time).

Record your dream.

Get your journal, a notebook, start a folder, have Siri take a note, leave yourself a voice memo. It doesn’t have to be a novel, a few bullet points will do.

Now determine one step you can take toward your dream.

Just one step. That’s it. That’s how you begin.

You are now on your dream journey. Keep taking one achievable step after the next. You’ll face resistance. Your dream may change. Your dream may stall. Keep giving your dream space and time…always bringing it to God in prayer.

Just remember and believe with God by your side, all things are possible! (His Word, not mine)

I invite you to share your dream in the comments. I’d love to pray for you!

* I thought this post might be helpful for this New Year. It first appeared at God-Sized Dreams, where I have the privilege of being a contributing author. Check out the site for lots of dreaming inspiration and encouragement.

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31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 14

2015-10-21T18:21:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 14

A Letter to My Younger Self*

Dear Younger Self,

I’m sorry you’re so frazzled! I can see you put a lot of pressure on yourself. And when you do that, you get so stressed…and I know you definitely don’t mean to do this, but that stress? It overflows onto your children and your husband too. I know you feel inadequate. I know you feel imperfect in every way. I know you feel disappointed in yourself. You had such high hopes for the picture-perfect home, kids, and marriage. You thought you were going to be able to do everythingwell. I guess because you had so much chaos growing up, you were determined to make your home the peaceful happy haven you had so wished you had.

Well here’s the bad news…there is no such thing as perfect.

Oh there is intentional. There is pretty darn good. There are days you will get “it” right. The kids will play beautifully, you’ll all get out to the park for some fresh air and fun, you’ll tick everything off your To Do list for the day, finish a few loads of laundry, and the kids will even help you match socks. At the perfect hour, the family will sit down to a nutritious healthy dinner that everyone loves. And you’ll even get the kids bathed, read to, and tucked in at precisely the “right” time. But this just might be the exception.

And the good news…It’s okay!

You are doing the best you can and your heart is full of love. Your house might be a little messy, but really? Who cares? Your friends just want to enjoy a little friendship amidst the rough and tumble of mothering. So swing open wide your door and say welcome, no matter the mess. Sure, keep trying. Make your lists. Plan your life. Have your goals. But when you don’t meet your own high standards, when you find yourself comparing yourself to your seemingly perfect bff, when you end your day falling asleep on your toddler’s bed before you’ve finished reading their bedtime story…take a deep breath.

Give yourself a break.

Smile and say a few words of encouragement to yourself. Whisper a little prayer. Think about a few things you’re grateful for. Extend grace and love to yourself. That way you’ll be able to give your kids a full measure of the one thing that covers a multitude of flaws…your beautiful messy lavish love. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

*I am now officially an older woman. I've lived 57 years. I've been married 31 years. I have four mostly grown children, I have one son-in-love, and I'm a grandmother. I am honored and delighted to serve as a Mentor Mom at our local MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. I hope that some of what I've learned on this journey called life can ease the stress of a younger mom who is in the thick of raising kids and navigating the sometimes choppy waters of married life. MOPs is an awesome ministry that serves young moms, usually once a month with a morning out for breakfast, fellowship with other moms, a speaker, and there is even babysitting. Among the materials for equipping the MOPs Steering team is a book for Mentor Moms published by MOPs. The above letter written by me was featured in this book for the 2015-16 season.

Photo Courtesy of MOPs.org

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31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 13

2015-10-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 13

How Busyness Led Me to a Life Coach

My heart thumped. My mind raced. My thoughts were like an assault, firing item after item on my To Do list. I was overcome. I had so much to do!!!

I sought clarity, but confusion was my constant companion as I made categories – home, work, social, physical, emotional, financial – and lists within those categories trying desperately to get control of my schedule and get it all done.

The biggest problem of all was the self-loathing, guilt, and shame I felt.

What was I doing here again? How had I backed myself into such a corner of “too busy to think straight”? What was the matter with me? Shoulda…woulda…coulda…

I had created a mess with too many “yesses” that should’ve been “nos.”

The only way out seemed to be through. I had to just put my head down and do the next thing. I had to keep checking items off “the list.” Try to live my life according to my carefully calculated calendar. Stay up late weeknights working and keep right on going through the weekends in what seemed a never-ending cycle of work, work, and more work.

I knew I couldn’t go on like this!

Once this season was over, it was time to re-evaluate. I was losing my joy. Going through the motions. I had lost sight of my purpose and passion. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

Continue Reading...over at CirclesOfFaith.org

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31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 12

2015-10-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching – Day 12

My Big Breakthrough

At one point recently, I had had enough. I was too busy and as result I was stressed out, worn down, and weary. I felt distant from God, my family, my friends, myself even! I knew I had to do something. I had been in this pattern before and here I was again.

I talked to my awesome life coach. And we uncovered this lie:

I believe that what I do, not who I am, is what makes me worthy of being a part of a group or having friends or being loved. In other words, I have to earn my sense of belonging. If I don't serve a particular purpose, then I can believe I’m useless and unworthy of love.

This lie caused me to say yes to too many things…many of them good things. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

However, the good robs from the best. And since there are only so many hours in each day, I want my day to be the best it can be, which means I’m spending time on the non-negotiables, on the things I must do, most want to do, and am uniquely qualified to do or called to do.

I had to take intentional time to think about this particular lie that motivated my busyness, because I wanted to make a lasting change. I didn’t want to keep repeating the busyness cycle. So I wrote down the lie: I believe that my worth comes from being available to, pleasing, and serving others. I made time to further reflect on this lie to go a little deeper and beyond the obvious. Where did the high value on doing come from?

This process of thinking through helped me take a giant step toward a breakthrough. A breakthrough that surprised me…

I got off the phone after my coaching call encouraged that I was making the connection between the lie that doing made me valuable and the overcommitment, and yesses that ultimately led to the “scurrying” life.

As I stood looking in the mirror, getting ready for the day, I was asking questions of myself and hoping for further insight. The “conversation” went something like this.

Hmmmmmmm…Someone must’ve communicated this “I am what I do message” early on in my life. This thinking is clearly deep rooted.

Maybe it was Dad. He had a very strong work ethic. Believed in working as hard as we could, getting good grades, achieving in the workplace. Certainly, when I reported success, he was very pleased. But he also communicated unconditional love. There was a sense that he loved me no matter what I did or didn’t do.

On the other hand…What about Mom? Mom? Really? She was seemingly so uninterested in our successes and failures. She wasn’t overtly concerned about grades. In fact she seemed neither thrilled with our achievements nor devastated by our failures. And most of the time, she didn’t even know what any of us did on the work front.

But the light bulb went on. In fact it burned brightly…

It was my mother who had communicated the lie that my worth was in my ability to serve, to show up, to be there for her. And that translated into my belief that in order to have connection, be loved, or be seen, I had to work for it. Be available. Please. Meet expectations. Wipe the countertops perfectly. Keep my room spotless. Talk my mother through her failing marriage. Be a counselor of sorts to Mom during the tough times. Be there for her. Love and forgive no matter what she said or didn’t say. I found a way to connect with my mother by striving, working, doing things to please her and meet her needs.

With this newfound realization, the lie was exposed on a deeper level. And I’ve had a much easier time trusting that I am loved just for being me. That I can say no and true friends will still be my friends…and in fact my “no” may open up a “yes” opportunity for someone else. I’ve realized that “scurrying” to please leaves me rundown, and giving my life margin for rest and writing renews, refreshes, rejuvenates me.

This a process. I still have a tendency to say yes, people please, and the need to be included is indeed deep rooted. But I am working on this. It’s out in the open, in the light, and this breakthrough is leading me one giant step closer to living my best life, the life I so want to live.

Coaching Question for Today

If you’ve uncovered a lie, try digging a little deeper. What’s at the root of that lie?

Let’s Get Started!

Click here for a FREE ½ hour Coaching Consultation by Phone.

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 11

2015-10-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching – Day 11

How to Exchange Lies for Truth – Part 2

A couple of days ago I talked about lies we believe. Identifying lies and replacing them with truth is life changing. So I think the topic deserves time and attention. And, since I am a Christian, and since my life coaching training is built on a Christian perspective, I believe the Truth of God's Word can be tremendously powerful in refuting lies.

I had a friend who spent a month recording the lies she believed and the corresponding Scriptural truth. She took a yellow legal pad with her wherever she went. On one half of the paper she wrote the lie as she became aware of it, on the other half she wrote The Truth from God's Word. This is an exercise worth our time and effort. Whether you spend a month concentrating on lies and truth, or you make this an ongoing process, this is an extremely valuable exercise. Lest we forget, The Truth can set us free!

Here are some examples of exchanging our lies for God's Truth: <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

Lie: Nobody really loves me.

Truth: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

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Lie: I am fat...ugly...unattractive...different...not as _________ as others (fill in your lie).

Truth: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

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Lie: How could all this bad stuff happen to me? God is clearly not paying attention. I'm sure He's forgotten me!

Truth: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

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Lie: God doesn't care about me. He has far more important things to worry about.

Truth: Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

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Try identifying the lies you’re believing. Record them. Then challenge them. Go to God’s Word to find the Truth. Bible Gateway is a great tool for this https://www.biblegateway.com/. Or you can just Google simple searches like, “What does the Bible say about God’s love?” You’ll find the Internet has great resources.

Coaching Question of the Day

What lie are you believing? What Truth can you find to refute your lie in God’s Word?

Let’s Get Started!
Click here for a FREE ½ hour Coaching Consultation by Phone.

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31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 10

2015-10-15T19:44:00.001-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 10

Are You Ready for a Change?

Here’s How Coaching Can Help You Reach Your Goals

As a Life Coach, I love helping you go from where you are to where you want to be. Maybe you need a breakthrough. Or you’re stuck. Or maybe you’re going through many of life’s transitions – from full-time career woman to stay-at-home mom, or you’re changing careers, or facing an empty nest, or you’re just thinking there is more to life than the one you’re living.

I’ve been there and worked with a Life Coach myself. She helped me focus in on areas of my life that needed a tune-up. I put in the time and effort and made a conscious decision to change and she propelled me on the path toward living a more peaceful and joyful life. Now I want to help you do the same.

Coaching is a personal individualized journey that’s as unique as you are. <==Click To Tweet

Most sessions are done by phone. Each session is 45 minutes and includes Coaching Notes and Action Steps as a follow up to the phone call.

There is no one-size-fits-all plan. But I’ve found there are 4 As of Coaching that have proven effective time and time again:

Assessment- What does your life look like today? What’s working and what isn’t? What areas of your life are out of balance? Where are you stuck? Is something in your life out of whack? Where are you dissatisfied? What about your life is most satisfying? In order to know where you want to go, we have to start with where you are.

Action – Knowing our goals is the first step, getting there takes small steps that add up to big changes. So we’ll set SMART goals. These are Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Reachable, and Timely goals. As you step toward achieving your goals, the process of change is set in motion. Moving forward toward the best life you can live is exhilarating and exciting!

Accountability– You don’t have to go it alone! Have you ever set a goal only to forget about it within a few days? Or talked yourself out of a goal because it just seems too hard? As a life coach, I am your personal accountability partner. I’ll help you hang in there until the change you so desire happens. I’ll encourage you, cheer you on, and challenge you too. And when you come up against obstacles, together we’ll identify patterns, beliefs, and perspectives that could prevent you from moving forward. There will be no stopping you!

Achievement– Ta Da! Time to celebrate. You’ve made the investment in you. You’ve put in the time and effort, you’ve stayed the path, and YOU have reached your goals. You have moved forward on the path of living the life you were meant to live – a life of purpose, passion, and intentionality that’s uniquely yours.

What are you waiting for?

Sign up for a FREE ½ Hour Coaching Consultation.
Take One Giant Step Toward Living the Life You Were Meant to Live!

photo credit: IMG_4160 via photopin (license)

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31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 9

2015-10-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 9

Sometimes You Need a Day of Real Rest

Not too much to say about this...In this very much what-you're-worth-is-what-you-do world we live in, we won't usually FIND time to do the things that are important to us, we have to MAKE time. We all need to balance the busies with down time. Yesterday, I enjoyed a day of leisure - a yummy coffee, a walk on the beach with my husband, even time collecting shells, rocks, and driftwood, a sunset, and we ended the day with a delicious meal. Ahhhhhh rest! It's refreshing, replenishing...so good for us. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

Coaching Question of the Day

Do you make time to rest? When's the last time you had a day of rest?

(Note: For moms in the thick of raising your families, I know this is hard. Maybe a family walk? Or even a family meal that's been made ahead of time and just needs heating up? How about a family meal exchange? Or a family exchange...you take your friends' kids one night, they take yours another?)

My Good Man!

Just love the water!

The end of a beautiful restful day!

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Do You Believe Lies That Prevent You from Making the Changes You Want to Make?

2015-10-10T14:53:00.001-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 8

What Lies Are You Believing?

You know…you find yourself doing the very thing that you do not want to do over and over again. Maybe it’s your health. You keep promising yourself that you will go to the gym, or go for a daily walk, but you never make the time to do it. Or you say you value time with your spouse, but really it’s the one thing that you consistently move to make room for another item on your To Do list. I know…we all do this. And I was recently in the same boat.

You’ll be hearing about this more than once. Because it’s something I struggle with and I suspect I’m not alone. Busyness…a too full schedule…over commitment…saying Yes too many times…and the havoc it wreaks. Busyness throws off many of the things I say matter to me – time with God, quality time with my husband, writing, a sense of peace, to name just a few.

So if busyness is so bad for me and makes me feel guilty, stressed, and dissatisfied with my life, why do I keep getting myself overbooked? <--c comment---c--="">Click to Tweet

A few springs ago, I had had enough. I found myself in this crazed scurrying cycle once again. I was practically panting through my days, exhausted at the end of the day, cranky, and so unfulfilled. I needed a breakthrough!

So I booked a few sessions with my Life Coach. And she asked me a number of questions that led to the following realizations about why I was so busy. It turns out I was believing a pack of lies. Here are three of them:

Lie #1 - I was believing that what I do, not who I am, is what makes me worthy of being a part of a group or having friends or being loved. In other words, I have to earn my sense of belonging.
Lie #2 – I believe that what others want from me is more important than what I want for myself. So if I have someone else depending on me for a task, I will easily push aside what I have in mind for that time slot.
Lie #3 - If I don’t show up, the show will go on without me and I’ll get left behind. I have a fear of being left out. (Can you say second child syndrome? FOMO)

This was the start of my breakthrough. There was more ahead, but this was a start. Taking the time to really think about the lies that motivated my busyness and writing it down so I could further reflect on it and go a little deeper was a giant step toward a bigger breakthrough. One that even surprised me…

Here’s a Coaching Question for You Today:

What lies are you believing that keep you from breaking through obstacles to the changes you want to make?

Please feel free to ask me your coaching questions in the Comments.

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31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 7

2015-10-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 7

How Can Coaching Help You?

Coaching is a process that helps you go from where you are to where you want to be.

Where do we start? Together we’ll explore your story. We’ll start by assessing where you are. We’ll identify what you love about your life and what needs some improvement. We’ll set realistic goals, using practical tools and accountability to keep you on track, so you reach your greatest potential and live the very best life you can. We’ll make sure your time, your effort, your life reflects what you care most about. <==Click to Tweet

Maybe you can identify with one or more if the following coaching scenarios:

Are you going through a transition? – As the saying goes, "The only thing constant in life is change." But adapting to change isn’t always easy. Maybe you’ve recently transitioned from full-time working woman to stay-at-home mom…or you’ve raised your kids and want to transition from stay-at-home mom to what now…or you’ve moved to a new area and have to build a new community…or you’ve lost a title or job that helped define you and you’re having an identity crisis…or maybe you need a new job. I know good things are in store for you! Let’s work together to determine your next steps.
Do you feel you were meant for something more? – Does it feel like something’s missing? Are you just going through the motions of life? Getting things done that you have to get done, checking off To Dos, but you’re lacking joy and enthusiasm? Maybe it’s time to wake up your dreams and ignite your passion, to figure out what is missing so you can live out a more fulfilling and joy-filled life.
Are you feeling stuck? – We all get stuck at different points in life. As Einstein said, we keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome. Comfort and sometimes fear can be powerful de-motivators. We sometimes find ourselves accepting a far less than perfect condition because we’re so afraid of the unknown, the new, fear of failure or even success. Let’s figure out what’s stopping you, establish some realistic goals, and get you moving again.
Are you drowning in “yesses,” trying to please others but losing your mind and yourself in the process? <== Click to Tweet People pleasers are nice people gone awry. Can you identify? You just want to be helpful. You say yes because you’re asked. And the thought of stopping and thinking, or heaven forbid, saying “NO” seems mean, or wrong, or just plain impossible. I’ve found the phrase, “The good robs from the best,” to be a life-changer. You do have a choice. You do have the power to say no, so you can focus on the things that make your heart beat faster, the things you’re uniquely gifted in, the best yesses for your life!

If there is any part of your life that you want to change, that feels off balance, that does not reflect your values and the most important people and things in your life, then Life Coaching is for you!

Let’s Get Started!

Click here for a FREE ½ hour Coaching Consultation by Phone.

And please feel free to ask me your coaching questions in the Comments.

Let's Chat! Please leave a comment

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 6

2015-10-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 6

Are You Ready for a Change?

Check Out These 4 As of Coaching
That Can Help You Reach Your Goals

I’ve been there and worked with a Life Coach myself. She helped me focus in on areas of my life that needed a tune up. I put in the time and effort and made a conscious decision to change and she propelled me on the path toward living a more peaceful and joyful life. Now I want to help you do the same.

Coaching is a personal individualized journey that’s as unique as you are. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

Most sessions are done by phone. Each session is 45 minutes and includes Coaching Notes and Action Steps as a follow up to the phone call.

There is no one-size-fits-all plan. But I’ve found there are 4 As of Coaching that have proven effective time and time again:

Assessment - What does your life look like today? What’s working and what isn’t? What areas of your life are out of balance? Where are you stuck? Is something in your life out of whack? Where are you dissatisfied? What about your life is most satisfying? In order to know where you want to go, we have to start with where you are.
Action – Knowing our goals is the first step, getting there takes small steps that add up to big changes. So we’ll set SMART goals. These are Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Reachable, and Timely goals. As you step toward achieving your goals, the process of change is set in motion. Moving forward toward the best life you can live is exhilarating and exciting!
Accountability – You don’t have to go it alone! Have you ever set a goal only to forget about it within a few days? Or talked yourself out of a goal because it just seems too hard? As a life coach, I am your personal accountability partner. I’ll help you hang in there until the change you so desire happens. I’ll encourage you, cheer you on, and challenge you too. And when you come up against obstacles, together we’ll identify patterns, beliefs, and perspectives that could prevent you from moving forward. There will be no stopping you!
Achievement – Ta Da! Time to celebrate. You’ve made the investment in you. You’ve put in the time and effort, you’ve stayed the path, and YOU have reached your goals. You have moved forward on the path of living the life you were meant to live – a life of purpose, passion, and intentionality that’s uniquely yours. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

What are you waiting for? Sign up for a FREE ½ Hour Coaching Consultation. Click Here!

Take One Giant Step Toward Living the Life You Were Meant to Live!

Let's Chat! Please leave a comment

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 5

2015-10-05T19:46:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching – Day 5

How Is Your Life Balance?

I became a coach because I genuinely love people, I love to hear their stories. I love helping people, and I love to be a part of helping people live their best lives. God has given us each unique gifts and we’re meant to use them. When we use our gifts to live out a life of passion and purpose, we live lives that are more thoughtful and intentional and ultimately more satisfying.

What I’ve found is the greatest obstacle to living mybest life is busyness. How can I be intentional if I’m running, running, running from thing to thing? I call this scurrying. According to the dictionary, this means “move hurriedly with short quick steps.” Synonyms for scurry are hurry, hasten, run, rush, dash, scamper, scuttle, scramble. Sounds relaxing, doesn’t it?

In fact, it’s so very stressful to live the scurrying life. I feel overwhelmed, anxious, a bit panicky, and almost breathless. <==Click to Tweet

And this is exactly where I was when I first met with my life coach. It was about a year ago. I had way too much on my plate. And my partner on CirclesOfFaith.org,Kimberly Amici, had just started with this life coach. I was so impressed with the changes Kimberly was making, the order she was creating out of the chaos of ordinary busy life, the way she was prioritizing the things that mattered most to her. I decided to give it a try.

This life coach offered a free ½ hour coaching consultation with no obligation. So what the heck? There was nothing to lose.

I have to tell you that one short life coaching session was a turning point in my life. <== Click to Tweet

Here’s why:

I quickly realized through a Life Balance Inventory and the discussion that followed, how off kilter I was because I had too much on my plate.
Going through the coaching process, talking about my life, what matters most to me, where I was satisfied and where I felt out of balance slowed me down enough to think clearly.
Once I could think clearly, I could articulate at least one thing that had to change in order for me to move closer to the more peaceful and satisfying life I desired.
I had been thinking about becoming a life coach for quite a while. As I worked with my coach and experienced how effective the process was (especially because she is an excellent coach), I stopped thinking about becoming a life coach and did something about it. And that’s why I’m a certified Life Coach today.

As I wrote that last step about becoming a Life Coach, I realized how crazy that may seem. Here I am incredibly busy and I’m adding another thing to my list? But the thing is, at the same time I’ve added life coaching, I’ve said no to lots of things I would never have said no to in the past…and that is a HUGE change in my life. So HUGE in fact, that it deserves its own post.

Here’s a Coaching Question for You Today:

Where is your life out of balance – fitness, finance, rest, relationships - and what can you do about it?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments. And feel free to ask me a coaching question.

Let's Chat! Please leave a comment

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 4 on Rest

2015-10-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching

Day 4 - Why Rest Is Important

As a life coach, I'm interested in helping you live your best life. One of the things we look at is your Life Balance to help you see where your life is going well and where your life might be a little off kilter. Getting enough rest is an important part of balance.

Here's why rest matters:

God says the 7th Day is a holy day of rest - Even He rested after 6 days of laboring to create the earth (Gen 20:8).
Rest is necessary for a healthy body and mind - It rejuvenates and refreshes.
Sleep is part of resting. Do you know how much sleep you need? Eight hours is an average that the majority of people between the ages of of 6 and 64 need to function at their best.
A lack of sleep can leave you feeling groggy, unable to fully concentrate, and there is evidence it actually slows down your metabolism.
We live in a society that values what you do more than who you are. This keeps us adding to a never-ending list of To Dos. So we're constantly in a state of catching up and striving to do more. The result is a constant flow of adrenaline and cortisol pumping through our bodies, that can lead to depression, anxiety, weight gain, and chronic fatigue.

What to do? In addition to getting enough sleep, there are ways to work rest into your daily routine.

Here are a few simple ways to rest:

Start the day out slowly, even it if means waking up 15 minutes earlier (as long as you're sleeping enough to begin with). Build in a few minutes of thinking time, a first thing in the am simple devo (I'm loving Proverbs 31 First 5 App), a few minutes of stretching.
Challenge yourself to keep Sunday as a day of rest. You get to determine what that really means. For me, it means church; a walk; writing what I want to write, not doing any of my work-related assignments; enjoying a leisurely meal; having friends over for a casual afternoon, but not putting pressure on myself to put out the red carpet. Chili anyone?
Throughout the day, just breathe! As you start to feel stressed, in a chair, in the car, even standing up at the kitchen sink, take five deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose for the count of five, extending your abdomen, not raising your chest, and breathe out through your mouth for the count of seven.
Try a power nap. Many of us start to feel sleepy and worn out around 2-3 p.m. One of the ways to get a burst of energy and a sense of renewal is to take a nap for about 15-20 minutes. Click for an informative article from WebMD on napping.
Try the Pomodoro Technique. This is a great task management tool that helps you break down your tasks into 25 minute increments, followed by a five minute break. The break can be used for a quick social media fix (is there such a thing?), a short burst of exercise, a simple walk around the room, a few minutes to throw in a load of laundry, even a quick swipe of the bathroom. For more info, start here at Pomodoro Technique. And for a simple timer, try this.

Here’s a Coaching Question for You Today:

How can you build some rest into your life? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Let's Chat! Please leave a comment

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 3

2015-10-03T13:32:00.001-07:00

31 Days of Coaching - Day 3

What Coaching Isn't

So now we've established what coaching is. As a refresher:

“Coaching is the art and practice of enabling individuals and groups to move from where they are to where they want to be.” Gary R. Collins, Ph.D.

Let's talk about what coaching isn't. While there is certainly some overlap between coaching and counseling, mentoring, or consulting, there are important differences. Here are some points of distinction:

Coaching isn't counseling - If you're battling depression, anxiety, or anger that's rooted in the past, then a counselor is likely a better fit for you than a coach. A counselor's training is geared toward healing and usually involves expertise in psychology and therapeutic skills. A coach works with you from the perspective of where you are today, using active listening to help you determine where you want to be.

Coaching isn't mentoring - When you work with a mentor, you're usually working with someone who has already been where you are and has gotten to where you want to be. Often this is a person who is older and more experienced in an area you want to grow or change. They can offer their experience to guide you. With coaching, the relationship is a partnership of equals, with the coach helping the client come to their own conclusions on the action steps they want to take toward reaching their goals.

Coaching isn't consulting - Consulting presupposes that the consultant is an expert in the area in which the client wants to grow or establish new skills. The consultant analyzes a situation and gives advice or prepares an action plan for the client. Here again, the coaching relationship is one of more equal footing. Yes, the coach has powerful assessment tools that can reveal and clarify, but from the results of those tools, the client determines their next steps with the coaching acting as an encourager, accountability partner, cheerleader, and sometimes a challenger. <==Click to Tweet

Next time I'm going to share with you a little about how I was able to move forward with the assistance of my life coach.

In the meantime, Here’s a Coaching Question for You Today:

What is an area of your life where you could use a coach to move forward? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

And, as always, feel free to ask me your coaching question.

Let's Chat! Please leave a comment

31 Days of Life Coaching - Day 2

2015-10-02T16:28:00.002-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching

Day 2 – What Is Life Coaching Anyway?

When I began training to become a coach, I wasn’t quite sure how to define it myself. But then I heard this concise statement that totally resonated with me and summed up life coaching perfectly.

“Coaching is the art and practice of enabling individuals and groups to move from where they are to where they want to be.” Gary R. Collins, Ph.D.

It’s really quite simple isn’t it?

A coach comes alongside someone who wants to move forward in their lives; a person who wants to intentionally change or grow. <==Click to Tweet
A coach is an active listener, asking questions instead of telling the client what to do. This way the client is an active participant in assessing where they are, identifying changes they want to make, and formulating action steps that they are committed to taking.
As the process unfolds, and by utilizing powerful and revealing inventory tools, the coach helps the client recognize and understand the obstacles that stop him or her from moving forward or reaching the goals they’ve set.
Through regular sessions and accountability, momentum toward change continues forward, obstacles are overcome, and essentially the client reaches goals that allow him or her to live the life they want to live with purpose, passion, and intentionality.

Through regular sessions and accountability, momentum toward change continues forward, obstacles are overcome, and essentially the client reaches goals that allow him or her to live the life they want to live with purpose, passion, and intentionality.

Here’s a Coaching Question for You Today:

Where are you now and where do you want to be? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

And, as always, feel free to ask me your coaching question.

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31 Days of Life Coaching

2015-10-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

31 Days of Life Coaching

Day 1 - My Story

Okay, so I said I was going to participate in 31 Days of Writing…and I’m going to. I thought I’d start at the very beginning. A little about who I am and how I’ve been led to coaching. It’s a bit organic.

You know those Kindergarten teachers…the ones who change our lives forever? Well, I had one of those. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

I remember her well. She was young and seemed cool, but also a little nerdy, the perfect combo from my five-year-old perspective. Long brown hair, cat-eye glasses. I remember a camel-colored A-line skirt, loafers. I loved her. Which is to say, she was probably really nice, seemed to care about me, notice me, and made me feel loved. I can’t say I remember, but I imagine, knowing me, this was the case.

Anyway, it turns out she did see me, notice me, and even called my mother to talk about me. I didn’t learn this till I was about 40 years old (I’m older now), when my mother shared this little story. It provided a lot of insight!

I think her name was Mrs. Logan. Apparently she called my mom one day, which must have been a bit of a shock since I was such a good little girl. What could be the problem?

“Hi Mrs. Daly, this is Mrs. Logan, Elise’s teacher.”

“Oh, yes, hello Mrs. Logan. Is everything alright?”

“Well, yes, everything is okay, but I’m a little concerned about Elise.”

I’m sure a bit of panic worked its way into my mother’s mind in that moment. I had only been at school a week.

“What are you concerned about?”

“Well, Elise acts like she’s older than the other kids. A little like she’s an adult and they’re the kids. She’s always offering a helping hand, or asking if they need assistance, showing them how to color, even wiping away a few tears, which of course is very nice. But the kids don’t like it. I’m afraid it’s separating her from the other kids.”

Well apparently, Mom and I had a little chat. And whatever she said seemed to affect me positively because I have no recollection of being corrected or shamed and there were no more phone calls. Only nods acknowledging that I had taken my rightful place as one of the kids in the classroom instead of a self-appointed aide.

When my mother told me this story, it made so much sense.

I really was a born helper. I loved to come alongside others, listen to them, even more importantly I loved to hear them. To listen carefully, consider what someone was sharing, maybe ask some questions, and go deep pretty quickly.

I was also affectionately (well maybe not always affectionately) called “Junior Mommy” by my siblings, of which I have four, one older sister, two younger sisters, and a brother. I had the nurturing instinct of a mom, which I’m sure could get annoying!!

My father was in publishing, so we always had a lot of magazines. When I was 10, he brought home a new magazine, which quickly became my absolute favorite, Psychology Today. I love understanding human behavior. No surprise in college I was a double major in English and Psychology.

When I was in high school, with no cell phones or texting or Facebook or SnapChat or whatever, we took to letter writing and every night would spend hours writing notes folded tightly into paper footballs (we called them this, though really they were triangles!). This took at least a couple of hours every night as I had a wide circle of friends, so there were at least 10 football letters a night. Many of my notes sounded a little like they were from Dear Abby, the advice columnist.

Friends were asking relationship and social advice all the time.

And I’ve continued along this vein throughout my life. I’m a helper. A listener. A story lover. I’m tremendously interested in people, their stories, their struggles, and triumphs. And I’m a detail girl, which means I tend to ask questions, dig below the surface, and find meaning in seemingly small things.

And now I’m a certified life coach. Which is where all the above comes together. Because as a life coach, I listen, hear, ask questions, nurture, care, and help people go from where they are to where they want to be. <--click a="" to="" tweet="">

Tomorrow we’ll talk about what coaching is and what it isn’t. Till then…

Any coaching-related questions...Ask me!

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A Walk Alone Can Slow You Down

2015-07-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Today I Went for a Walk

You shall walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live, and that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land that you shall possess. Deut 5:33 ESV

Now a walk might not seem like anything to write home about. I’m sure many of you went for a walk today too. But for me it was a bit of a reawakening to the world around me.

You see I’ve been busy! I’ve been going from work to fun activity to more work and more fun…in fact between my husband’s party to celebrate his doctorate and my birthday weekend, there have been weeks of awesome good times with friends and family mixed in with time spent juggling the many work hats I wear.

I confess…I’ve been rushing past, rushing through, going from thing to thing.

Many of them good things. But I have missed some simple beauty along the way. And this morning’s walk reminded me of this.

I didn’t choose to walk today. I had to walk because there was no car to get me from my home to my bible study. Normally, I’m doing “something” (my husband refers to these as secret chores) up until the last minute before I rush into my car and rush off to a meeting, engagement, chore, activity. It could be straightening my room, loading the dishwasher, reading a quick devo.

But today, I needed to plan a little more. In order to walk to my destination and get there on time, I had to leave a few minutes earlier than normal. And for this always-running-late-and-trying-hard-not-to gal, that requires discipline and focus (Anybody??).

So I donned my sneakers and headed out the door with a very light load of my purse and book.

I felt like something was missing, a little unsettled. I felt funny…uncomfortable. It was so quiet. There was no one else out walking. Usually if I walk, I walk with my husband and occasionally a sister or friend. And if I’m not walking with someone, I am at least walking my dog. Today I was ALONE!

Should I put my earphones on and plug into my phone and make a phone call? Or maybe put on some music or a podcast? I know, I can pray. I can't just walk, can I, allowing my thoughts to drift? There must be something I can do along the way…something to make this walk count for something. Something INTENTIONAL. Something USEFUL.

There must be something else I can do while walking. Something I can check off my To-Do list maybe?

I decided not to do anything but walk.

And that little walk became a gift. The gift of allowing my thoughts to turn to what was right in front of me. <==Click to Tweet

I noticed the many flowers along the way…the hydrangeas are in full bloom. I noticed some gardens are getting crowded with weeds. There were cardinals swooping past me, along with common sparrows, and a mocking bird. Some sidewalks were bumpy and in need of a little TLC. Some were brand spanking new. There were lawns trimmed with the utmost precision and others straggly and scattered with clover. A few construction workers dug a ditch deep into a front yard, sweat glistening in the morning heat. When I got to an intersection, there was a woman and her dog, a mama with her mama and a new baby in a carriage. Little slices of life all around me. They brought me joy in the quiet of paying attention.

My little walk may have seemed like an inconsequential means of getting from one place to another…but it was so much more!

It was a reminder that:

· All my time does not have to be filled with conversation, learning, doing, purpose.

· As I rush from thing to thing, I am missing the simple quiet pleasure of being in the moment.

· My mind needs a break, a little space to just wander.

· Even this extrovert needs a little time alone.

I have been to busy again. It’s a trap I can easily fall into. I’m thankful for my walk today. It woke me up to the beauty of simplicity that is right in front of me.

Are you missing the beauty that’s right in front of you?

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The Day We Saved $1000

2015-06-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

How a Little Change

Can Really Add Up!

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

So for pretty much the 30+ years my beloved and I have been married, we have been “working” on our finances. Initially, it was just a matter of trying to be responsible with our money and not get in over our heads with debt.

As the years went by and my hubby and I grew in faith and Biblical understanding, we committed to be good stewards of what God gave us. We tithed and put together a responsible budget, even meeting with a Crown Ministries finance counselor and following the principles of Larry Burkett’s book Debt-Free Living.

Truth be told, our success was short term. Some of this was circumstantial – unanticipated life and salary changes threw us for a loop. But, really? We overspent.

Chris and I discussed our different theories of spending, saving, and giving.

The conversations often escalated when we actually sat down to go over our budget. But eventually, we would get through what we considered the grueling work of pulling together all our expenses, assets, and debts…and we would attempt a cash box. That’s literally a shoebox with dividers and envelopes for each category of expenditure. For example, Home is one envelope and Electric and Gas is another, Water bill is yet another, etc.

Each week we attempted to gather our cash weekly, but something would come up, like the busyness of raising our kids and handling all their schedules; the cash box would fall to the wayside.

Please continue reading at CirclesOfFaith.org...

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Day 2 – What Is Life Coaching Anyway?

31 Days of Life Coaching

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Day 1 - My Story

A Walk Alone Can Slow You Down

Today I Went for a Walk

The Day We Saved $1000

How a Little Change

Can Really Add Up!

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

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Click here for a FREE ½ hour Coaching Consultation by Phone.

Sign up for a FREE ½ Hour Coaching Consultation.
Take One Giant Step Toward Living the Life You Were Meant to Live!

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That Can Help You Reach Your Goals

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