IN AWE OF

How i dream

2011-12-20T12:06:00.001-05:00

the light fades from the center
over hills into dark skies

sounds filling memories
silence finding purpose

sitting lonely to return
sitting holding, for i yearn

to know of paled by the milky way love
to be silenced loved, humble love
love for i am to love, and am loved, love

the light pale orange glow fades
from the center darkness claims
the silence begins to ring
i know that i am safe

In another, more words

2011-12-13T06:01:00.003-05:00

I have nothing more to say, in the light of
hellos and goodbyes, i am found less then
pondering, beyond this very moment, no more words
to use or spend, or abuse, i exist in fact, or
in perceived facts, nothing more then the wind in the
trees, the rain falls, grass dry tomorrow, iced in ants
bees with no time to borrow, i have the lesson learned
i have no more words, but i am sure they will find me
fitting in some sense, in some moment, in time spent.

2011-10-31T02:54:00.000-04:00

If i could see with these eyes

2011-10-31T02:41:00.002-04:00

If i could humble myself with these hands,
I wouldn't fight a war, i could finally put
the gun down. Cut the chains, of this soul
again, find less guilt. Its really just the
way she looks at me, in fear that she sees
herself when she stares. I try to forget,
but only because i have yet to forgive.

If i could see with these eyes, years ago,
i could remember why. I don't say a word
on an hours drive, but she in all her
disgust and torment, gets me to say
"you are insane". I am not meaning to,
i have still waters in this stream,
i have fire creeping the forest line,
of this heart, and of this mind.

trying to let go, but she just won't
listen to my i love you's.

Childlike

2011-10-28T02:57:00.002-04:00

Love makes a mockery of my mind,
each and every time, for days
and weeks, months and years

I feel as though i have no face
just the smile

2009/retribution

2011-10-25T22:39:00.001-04:00

I have gone mad. I have gone happy. But yet have I gone insane or sane, I revel in a middle ground as always ... I want for few and hunger for even less. The desperation that consumes a person has been washed from my hands and now I am only let for others to see as fit or unfit. I have no need to fit in or out, I am what I am and that is caring. I am devout in most things that I do and attempting to learn the rest, as I share it with all around me. I am incapable of fear and anger in most cases, but my perception is often skewed momentarily as a result of my own personal compromises. I do not set fault to any actions, or people taking them, I am complacent when it comes to finding a center that fits best for me. I have let all around me consume, instead of forge a new path. I know that life takes work, and I can not take any more time to study. I must remedy my current situation, I must take steps to grasp what it is I am willing to commit to. I can not further myself without seeking my own personal retribution.

2009/Shell manifest by fear

2011-10-25T22:32:00.001-04:00

I reach very few with the words that I write, they have all been written before. I am of an essence that seeks only to convey, in general. The few that my words do reach makes every year spent cataloging my feelings worth it. I am attempting to separate myself from my task of capturing that I have taken on as my own. I experience on a level that is different from any I have known, I have very often fallen short, in connection, by being a silent observer of my own life. I give all that I am to anyone that asks anything, and reap nothing, however non expectant I have become, I must begin to except what love is given. In this redefining of how I conduct my self, many may find me absent on levels that I have always been available, and that is a trade I am willing to make, to begin to live my own life. There are paths, windows, doors, opening and closing in a constant rhythm. I am seeking a clarity that I have found within, but was surrounded by a shell. This shell was manifest by fear, I want to never hunger, I want to never feed, I want to remain all giving, but in a sense I have begun to dissipate, in an effort to preserve all around me. Number one of all things given to us at birth, the need for self preservation, we cry when we are hungry, or uncomfortable, then that begins to fall away when we are exposed to the ¨cruel¨ world around us. We are told we are different, when we feel too intensely about things, when we react to corruption we are told we are incapable, that is a lie beyond all others. There are ¨normal¨ people like, I who have found an origin, within all of this distance. We are meant to be peaceful but we fall short, when all is imposed upon us. I have begun to further my self from these statements as I type them... I wish to be silent and live, but I still express as a means to communicate freely with people that can not hear, or see, anything worth living.

I feel absolutely blessed to be here, and my struggles have far surpassed many that I know, but I remain forever grateful, in awe of all the lessons that have been taught to me, by no other force but the original force, consciousness, and connection. Only a handful of my friends will read this and feel anything, the others will nod and say mmhmm... I get it... but the thickness of their disconnection allows them no true comprehension of what is being said. And I am sorry, for I can assist no further, each statement that i have ever made toward you if reiterated , will form that of truth at some point in time in your life, if taken in any sort of an advisory manor. Most breeze through, and out of my life, taking the little comfort that I provided, others even quicker being truly appreciative of my presence, and find their own way. The few that have been around the longest, meet me on a level where we have found some sort of commonality, and understanding of our own abilities, to do what it is we want to do without setting any boundaries, for one another, offering very little for trade aside, from a like mind, which is the most peaceful to reside beside, and I thank thee.

I know this does not seem like something to convey, in such terms, one generally feels no obligation to change, and justify it. But the way I have chosen to live my life was intentional, and it is a huge deal for me to change that in anyway. I have begun so slowly to set priority to myself, which has not been the order in my life, tho that is often the norm for others who seek something other then, to love. I am not ending my love, I am just like previously mentioned redefining the love that I feel in some way. I am not often accepting of love. I must begin.

Without Question

2011-10-16T18:33:00.000-04:00

There will be a place

2011-10-15T10:11:00.002-04:00

there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill

i know not its altitude

there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill

vein or vain

2011-10-15T09:55:00.001-04:00

I am sorry that i have missed you, left just one more world behind.
I am sorry that i have kissed you, pushed your hand away from mine.
I am not beautiful anymore, i never was allowed to be natural.

Midnight Water

2011-10-08T21:44:00.003-04:00

tether this body to this soul
release me of this questioning
answers between me and me
no one to weigh with me

pillows without cases
sheets knowing of lovers
only bodies in windows casting
shadows from streetlights

with regrets, and temptations
candle melted to the table
antique glass, broken again
i can roll over again tonight

then in the next, no heads
to place on shoulders, no arms
to move from numbness, just my
own jackets and jeans in sheets
at my feet. I wake up thirsty.

He walked behind me

2011-10-04T04:39:00.002-04:00

was in the basement doing laundry,
took the garbage out and swept,
moved some things, it looks settled

then while looking for a hook of sorts
to hang the broom and dust pan, the
guy with the ponytail and the twelve pack
from out back scared the shit out of me

i turned the light off, by the tool bench
ran up the stairs, went back home,
but then i went back down, he was drunk
or i scared him, he left the back door open
and all the lights were on

On this path

2011-10-04T04:24:00.002-04:00

on this path found within
many seekers sit and listen
dreamers open eyes of the "weaker"

acute progress not sick or weathered
but held dear and often measured
in bean and rice stock, sipped slowly

on this path from here on out
not one step to fast to think about
not one step that i forget to count

have to harvest the potatoes tomorrow
will it make the silence of winter
come any slower?

Pick me up at the office

2011-09-29T21:27:00.000-04:00

My heart beat harder,
breath less then shallow
i wonder how it would feel
to lack a sense of power
to be bound,

not seamless

hunched over
bereavements
in each pain-
full swallow

excuse me,
just having
social issues

Discard

2011-09-27T15:04:00.002-04:00

ill forsaken shadows
open the eyes, hear
my tender silent cries

i see the radiance
i feel its warmth
pass through me

i can not contain it
i discard, i discard

i see as if lower then
i bend down and pledge
that i may never sit
or pray again, if you
accept me here and now

failed ode to the discard,
of ego, ever present it
whispers and begs to stay

i do not want you, i do
not want you, the
door swings open,
the keys are left in
the lock, accept it

accept it, you are
not all that lost

just off the clock

It is not in living

2011-09-26T16:56:00.003-04:00

It is not in living that we find the truth
but in loving that we live, through hard ships
and confessions of confusion, to find the
pinnacle understanding before elation

before elation, i come on to strong
step back to willingly, use foolish
words that hold their weight but lack
the common understanding, i am present

am i present?! if time comes to pass
and space can not last, in rooms with
others that understand, i am not a
teacher, i am not a sage

i am merely aiding in the stillness
behind and beyond the rage.

Not so insecure

2011-09-26T13:33:00.001-04:00

i feel so often and so fully that i can not change my mind about things, just open it more, wait at the door, go knocking and talking and walking till i find a place that is to dreary to feel, that is so dead it yields from the earth only the scent of decaying land, the silence there, oh the silence there, a different kind of squeal, it would drive and sane person back into society , but me i just want to stay, feet bare.

2011-09-22T17:54:00.000-04:00

A daughters love for an unloving mother

2011-09-22T17:32:00.006-04:00

you sad mean lady, that let me rest in your womb
i know i never meant any harm, but i had to get out
there was just no more room, you sad sick lady

make me seem less then i have been, or have ever
tried to be, discouraged to be, not encouraged to be
you seem wanting of your own creation to fail

sad this life is as it is and i know of greater peace
maybe in the start you should have worked
on removing my free will, stomped just
one more time on my heart.

2011-09-21T05:32:00.002-04:00

Hiatus

2011-09-16T12:56:00.002-04:00

finding myself displeased with my "work"
saving more drafts and emails to myself
then i would like. I need full confidence
in the words that i use, i will be attempting
to procure that in more domestic affairs,
meditation in action... in action, in action

becoming stagnant in mind, more so then i
would like, repetitive thoughts and feeling
which i do not disfavor, although i look
forward to things becoming more fluid, after
so long awaited "respite"...balancing task
and duty with "pleasure".

Rising

2011-09-11T03:23:00.002-04:00

although the concept has been termed & used
doesn't mean i have felt it like i now do,
and to this magnitude

i am frost bitten, on the highest peak
taking my socks off to stay warm, wood
burning till embers

let me feed you then, and fast, let me
stay up and watch you feast until the
tiredness begins to pass

2011-09-11T02:43:00.000-04:00

Following a goat

2011-09-10T21:14:00.002-04:00

i have always seen
of the same heaven
in its earthen hooves
it rests upon the earth

pocketing blooms,
swallowing seeds
wild and stirring
wind on the water

Walking in distal

2011-09-10T21:01:00.002-04:00

Tired heavy footsteps
breath in breath out

footpaths and doorways
Tired heavy footsteps

waking and dreaming
breath in breath out

breath in breath out
breath in breath out