Together now

learning how to be lonely

2022-04-04T14:14:00.001-04:00

I can't bare the empty hands I can't feed myself with

The empty bed I often lay in fully dressed

The sound of my breaths and no others

My internal dialogue saying I don't deserve a lover

I can't bare the burden of this life I've extracted and exstrudeded from all the mistakes and goodbyes I've scripted, end scene

The highs so high lows somewheres I can't reach from where I'm trying to keep my footing in.

Upside down down side...I'm up

Sleeplessness saturates

Subdued by my own

Insatiable want

For touch

For compatibility, compassion

Bickering and bouncing back from actual contact.

Someone asks is it addiction

Or do you actually like them

Is it reciprocated or

Do you just hold a space

They can't fill themselves

Wander through the ways I want to live without

And all the ways I want to live with, the ways I want to celebrate and pay attention.

in a relationship ship with

2022-03-22T11:21:00.001-04:00

Typing, deleting...that's the new messaging. Trying not to pry or elude to anything ever... Like the opposite of small talk but at the negative end of conversation. It's like an unpoetic unimportant, rhetorical metaphor, for I am frustrated today and nobody can or would do anything about it, even if it was up to me, as me. This is my new status...only sending because it's not like we have online interactions, pretend i don't look at your status. Mentally unwell but enough to know of wellness. Fighting the urge to delete this, install all my apps, change my passwords, pray that no one reads this. Hashtag today's accomplishment, all before coffee, xo , but before adequate sleep well deep in The matrix or Babylon or post-apocalyptic Shadow Dawn Doom scroll may as well be on parole but the Earth leads me with petrol. This is for you but not the me in everyone but also for everyone

lift it

2022-03-21T00:06:00.001-04:00

In between I see one image layed of the other identity

Personification and duality inside of this cage of me

Masks loften words spent on time saving rather than regrets.

would I know

2022-03-21T00:04:00.000-04:00

What if it's not inflicted

At best Intrinsic rising

Raised, like the bread

That's been fed

By sugar and salt

Braised and branded

Like the flesh of beast

Blood letting, released.

Where do we hunger

In form or in ache

Is it apparent, can you relate

What if the smell is faint

Is decay hidden by perfume

Less rank

Do the men without boots have honour

Or is it the ones In tanks,

which ones on the stretchers

In uniform, or with which rank

Shadows the unborn, fatherless

To come, to break

Where do we know our nature,

In wells, of tears of

Lost steam and focus

Unfinished

is it cancelled?

2022-03-17T00:23:00.000-04:00

Hello,

Hell no

Where are you?

Not one to kiss and tell

Or hate on mother nature

He Have me in a place where

We can be slaves together

Or cut the chains and race forever

Patch the wounds, grass cut like razor

Fill the void, this has no flavor

Salt the beaches, cross the river

Alligators nesting, turtles swimming

I wonder if Saturn or Jupiter are waiting

Songs in space rocks clashing

Ash and oil lay in waking

All that is amoungst us

Covering, changing

Pulling, letting

Burning

Buried

BuhBye

Sulking

2022-01-30T21:49:00.002-05:00

Silk spun from the suffering

Spatial relations within my own heart

Since or sense by which forms measurements

Tightly wrapped in lose ends

No greater lesson than where focus lives

I dust off my human form for another

Waiting and wasting in time between

As they fall

2022-01-24T18:13:00.003-05:00

Spirit dormant under hardened flow

Root mass as an urn of spring

Waiting for winter to expand

Retreat to return

Sun draws to mornings dew

Sweetness pulled to limb

Yet to bloom to fruition

Basking before each dusk

Oh to have veins unfold

To hold just long enough

To crumble into mud

If only

2018-04-24T21:55:00.001-04:00

If only did i know
The gaze of morning
From beneath it all
From above it even
Just as well

Instead of welling in it
Moments only supressed
Some surpassed by dawn
And met in evenings lax

Tired and tilted thoughts
In or out of touch,
Who questions?
Who knows?

Centered on humbling tones
Of exhales between doorways
None of which completely my own

How severe is ownership
when hands lay open once
Consciousness is unembodied
Unabated with the subtle glimpses
of given, of carried weight equal.

You are

2018-04-19T14:45:00.001-04:00

You are probably mine
And i dont know it

You are probably blind
But this ball, i'm going to throw it

You are probably probably thinking the
same certain things, like this hurts

You are probably here or there or anywhere but
In this with me because mostly
I got over the absence of it all

I found myself
I round myself up not down
And do not say that's a stab at you.

Am i

2018-04-16T11:08:00.001-04:00

Am i inspired...
Am i transpiring
With the universe
Or is it all a response

Does intention wave the cab
or does the hand
Is it a balance between
here and the man.

Do you work for me
Great mystery or do
I love enough to lean
On you or any other
All the same.

Should i shrug or bow
Sink or plow, beg or meow.
Come hither sweet calm that
Allows passion to erupt.

Hold open

2018-02-13T23:14:00.001-05:00

Hold the open
Let the river flow through you
Hold open, and when you do
Don't be ashamed or subtle
Hold open in your truth

Hold open
Hold tune
Don't be hushed
Don't be rushed
Hold open
It's yours to do

Hold open unto
And into you, hold
Hold, hold open

No one has to know but you
Hold open, as long as you feel so
Hold open, it's not simply done
it benefits the hearts view

Not At odds, at ends

2018-02-13T22:56:00.001-05:00

Tethers untied
Hinderences no longer
Discussed or disguised
I am divine with my
Burnt edges

I am divine with truth
Full of intentions, not
Lost in label or lavish refrain
Loose and wanton as I came

I do not hurt your hurt
all my own to heal, I am
Not a victim as I was tamed to be
I am wild or recluse without shame

I stare and state my damage
Am not told to stay undone
I step out backwards
Fear can't have my voice
Or tounge

I know you are but what am i

2018-01-20T17:45:00.000-05:00

attempted to fresh start-
to get a blog name that was stuck in a loop in my head
but its taken and so are all the things I can relate to it
sticks and stones\

cooling

2016-09-16T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am not ashamed of the layers I have shed without regard to others
nor the layers I have collected at my own flesh and blood beating
a pace I should shroud in fear or guilt or pain. I know nothing
I know nothing of tenderness any longer, I know nothing of docile
I know nothing I know nothing and everything finds me in these moments

I am myself, devoid of feeling or forthright for others not belonging
within this beaten and left for less cage of nights passing with no one to role on to
I am myself in its most settled form, each layer a distant resemblance of the next
I am no longer lover, I am not a provider of pleasure. I am the one in waiting a placemat to soak
the condensation of the happenings surrounding, the light, the wind, shadows that follow, time
by way of sun and rain. I am at a distant horizon but intact, un tethered to the ideal of anyones fancy.

it hurts more then a little.

I feel her emerge.

2016-08-21T10:50:00.001-04:00

I feel her emerge
like i myself am crowning
through hello and goodbye
what kind of journey
in any direction

Is this the end or beginning
the separation or tethering

I feel her emerge, who i used to be"
who i have not been, in protection
of the one that hides inside.

Could have remained

2016-07-11T11:55:00.001-04:00

no reminisce here just shedding
just leaving the jacket behind
as the sun begins to shine

it could have stayed poetic
between punctuation and
ALL CAPS

it could have stayed in its place
without the inclination to look back

now as my skin cools to a degree i have not felt
i am tempted to say the waves have washed over me
that i will be letting go, my head will not be heavy

perspective of the heart aches i have had and caused
where all the loyalty has begun to nod
i begin to understand our lacking indifference

passion is not always in the heat, in the fire manifest
today i find it deep inside hidden beneath my breasts
its a light that other dim, but only out of ignorance

where i sometimes live.

2016-07-11T11:45:00.000-04:00

Sit beneath the red oak
Bury your fear

aboriginal

2015-07-14T00:37:00.000-04:00

Aboriganally complaisant
Abducted by the coming news
All ready, repeating itself
Tomorrow's forthcoming resecated under crimson, I mean
Chemical filled starry not so night Sky
Glitter of metallic fears not so much a common
Thread but more so something found in our tears

not so troubled

2014-09-07T05:21:00.001-04:00

can you except this i am on
my knees naked running
set my mind at ease
tomorrow there
is not another day
can you not be here
now
set my mind at ease

Won't be letting go

2014-04-28T23:34:00.001-04:00

Won't be sleeping till we are all safe, at home.
Won't rest tonight, with eyes simply closed

To awake to this and know,
You are all i want to see
All i want to hear

#"You Awake"

-"Mom can i have cereal"

# "No. I am cooking Breakfast.
Banana, if you want. "

-"Ok, I love you mom."

Six days a week, because sunday
we have brunch, but you don't know
that cereal is my place holder, for another
cup of coffee... once a
week.

#" Brush your Teeth"

-"But I'm still Hungry"

#"I know, you can still eat"

Hours pass, another snack,
And walks, and time spent
in little corners of your view
of wilderness, but my tired
legs, tired mama legs,

know are short.
Short on time, and distance from a road
other passer bys...
through woods and Hayfields.

-"Who's that?"

#"I don't know"

-"Why are they over there?"

#"Getting their mail"

-"Oh."

You will never know
how significant,
the insignificant.
Son, I tell you a hundred times,

#
"Don't do that"
"Not over there"
"Probably someday,
Of course"

"Of course, of course "
You are always allowed, to do that"

"You are welcome,
Thank You"

"I wouldn't do it without you"

"I am so scared"

"I love you
I love you
I LOVE YOU"

More then when i walked across town, in labor with you.
and went home for thirty minutes, to get my favorite pillow.

Forgot to remember

2014-04-24T23:37:00.002-04:00

the last time i held a wanting hand
or felt the welcomed pressure of love
no plans or dates to be saved between
not an ounce of inkling in this mane
not tears that linger
or refrain
empty tomorrow
i made soup
today

Becoming a not so little girl, putting on the shoes of this women.

2014-01-20T20:06:00.001-05:00

Starving spiritually in ways i did not know i could. Dreaming of a wedding where i didn't wear the dress. Holding hands and blankets over face, life to short. Not the right pace. Legs Heavy, under due, thinking about being over due. Not knowing why you haven't noticed me, notice you. Pulling and pushing pillows, between the wall and the head, beside me.

The sinking feelings

2013-02-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

They allow me to question whether this time is spent or slips by. Whether this is forever, now, hello or goodbye So nice to see you : can't remember the color of your eyes yesterday we'll think about tomorrow, it won't be a surprise I like where we are now, the simple things reign over the complicated with which they've been replaced Now like the pages in books that i have skipped, i look back never quite knowing where it is that i relapsed into a mood that I've known The sinking feelings, wave around in my bed, in my head gotta let go, gotta get up, its time for this now friend

The Hands That Lift Me

2013-02-02T12:47:00.001-05:00

To be assured and known

When i was a child

2013-02-02T12:47:00.000-05:00

when i was a child, my feet were very important
remembering sidewalk cracks, and my wet hands
my crooked teeth, my teeth were very important

when i was a child i remember climbing trees
not worried about dinner, or how long i can
sit on my knees