Out of the Darkness I Rise

Smart women are sexy

2011-05-19T16:34:00.000-04:00

I’m lumping a lot of things into the word ‘smart’. Aspects like common sense without arrogance, natural and book learned intelligence, curiosity about the world, playfulness or seriousness in direct relation to the situation, and a solid connection to her body and spirit.

‘Smart’ shows itself in a lot of ways. It’s my thought that a woman, who typically has a more inward focus, can bring energy to bear in a way that cancels out brute force. A woman who is sure of herself can disarm a man with a word or a gesture. Face it gents, we can’t do that.

Any woman who can carry on a conversation about starting a new business while simultaneously setting the rigging on a sailboat is someone to be reckoned with. What? You say that’s too farfetched?

Okay, so how about a woman who works for a non-profit and helps dozens of people just because of the power of her heart? Or a woman who can drive a 40 foot mobile home through downtown traffic like she was born doing it? Does that still sound farfetched?

Better yet, consider a woman who broadcasts sexy, intelligent and capable while doing something simple, like gardening or teaching her children?

How many times has a woman in your life caused your inner turmoil or fear to dissipate with a single look or hug or light touch? Now imagine that power in the hands of a woman who understands how the real world works. Sexy as hell, wot?

Maybe it’s just me. I’ve been told before that I have a naïve attitude about who people really are. It just seems natural to me that properly expressed feminine energy is incredibly attractive.

Men are attracted to women for dozens of reasons. A nice rack or ass, a good job, a fancy car or house are all legitimate reasons. But I’m being totally honest when I say that even though the body catches my attention, it’s the mind and how it’s used that keeps my interest. I don’t think I’m the only man who admits that he’d get bored fast with an incredibly hot chick who didn't have two brain cells to rub together.

Making hard lessons stick

2011-04-21T13:44:00.003-04:00

The hardest lessons to learn are the ones you have to teach yourself. This is because you have to make up your feelings and value systems in a vacuum. Everything that you believe or learn to value is essentially created out of nothing. Everyone is born with an innate personality, but after that we are blank slates.

It doesn't matter if you are surrounded by the smartest, most intellectual people on the planet. It doesn't matter if the greatest teacher or mentor alive comes along. It's up to you to evaluate how their words impact your life. What you allow in is what you have to work with. If you refuse to accept the teacher or if you refuse to understand their words, then what they say is just words bouncing around inside your head.

As long as I can remember from the time I was 9 until now writing has always colored my world. I had a rich fantasy life as a child and young man. That life was filled with my own theme music and peopled by characters that I would loved to have met for real. I made this stuff up to give a sense of purpose to everyday existence.

I wrote stories to please myself. I didn't care if they made sense. I didn't care if they were ever read by anyone else. I just wrote out of the sheer joy of creating worlds and seeing what was happening in them. Sounds simple, right?

You'd think that this is a simple process that after all these years I should still be able to do without much stress. But for some reason, sitting down at the blank page is now a terrifying prospect. It's gotten harder as I've gotten older. I've quit 'as a writer' more times than I can count. Even though I have finished a few pieces and sent them out, I've never placed it higher in my list of priorities than a sometimes hobby. The thing is, I know deep down in my soul that it's supposed to be more.

I've been digging into my heart and head lately trying to work through the bullshit that's keeping me stuck. Although I know I have a long way to go, I've learned a few things and I'm beginning to understand where my problem with writing is. It's encouraging.

Writers use what's called a voice. It's our way of identifying our own spin or way of doing things that works for us as individuals. You can read a Stephen King, Dean Koontz, or Peter Straub novel with no covers and no author credits and tell just who is writing the story based on how they use words. Not one of those three writes like the others. That's voice.

Developing voice takes years and practice. It's easy to tell a beginner from a pro. The beginner sounds and feels like a half dozen other people. You can see elements of everyone he or she has ever read in their text. The pro only sounds like him or her self. I've been told that it takes 1 million words to clear the BS out of your head and begin to write with your own distinctive voice.

With me the struggle has been allowing too many others influence into my own heart and soul. For some reason its easier for me to accept their words as gospel while simultaneously ignoring what I feel, or acting as if I don't have any feelings.

One of the parts of getting clear is getting rid of all the noise in my head. This includes outside sources and my own bullshit that gets in the way.

I mean, lets be real. If I tell stories, or if I don't, it's really no one's business but mine. The only one who can make me ignore what I'm feeling or doing is me. The only one that I need to impress with my writing is me, and I'm the only one that needs to believe that I SHOULD be writing. I realize now that until I am convinced on a cellular level that no one in my immediate family will die, or even starve to death if I spend an hour or two writing I will continue to waffle back and forth like this.

People who are ahead of me at the game of life will read this and go 'Well, that was fucking obvious.' To those people I say 'congratulations' for being smarter, but for me this is a revelation. We all move at different speeds and learn lessons when we learn them. I'm just grateful to have gotten this far. That's the benefit of learning this stuff on my own, it has more of an impact than just having someone tell me.

Maybe now, with practice, it won't be so hard to put words onto paper.

Honest change is just a painful nudge away

2011-04-12T17:19:00.000-04:00

Someone suggested something to me that makes so much sense it's sickening.

The thing is, its not immediately apparent why the concept might work.

Lets start at the beginning. Most people make goals according to what they want. They see something, or hear something or feel something and then want to experience it again. They make their plans or create steps designed to bring them to the goal in the shortest amount of time.

Sometimes they make it and sometimes they don't. At our core we are pretty lazy animals. It's one of the reasons that we've created all of these 'modern conveniences'. Every advance in technology has been about making life 'easier' or 'safer'.

But here's the rub, since we are essentially lazy creatures meeting goals is tough if you simply consider only what you want. If you are in a place of comfort and security (relatively) its difficult to break away from that to go out, expend energy and achieve something new.

I think this is why more people fail to achieve their goals. They are 'comfortable' so they don't see a need to pursue new goals.

I was talking with a good friend and she said something that caught my attention because at first glance it appears wrong.

Her way of achieving goals is to consider what she doesn't want and then work towards making sure it doesn't happen.

As an example she decided that she didn't want to be buried in debt any more. She wasn't thinking about next year or even next month. RIGHT NOW her main pain point was that she was in debt and it hurt. When the pain got to be enough that she acted she worked out steps that took her down the path of more than just getting out of debt, she worked out how she could NEVER be in debt again.

Read that last line again.

I didn't say 'would never be in debt again' I said 'COULD never be in debt. She's decided that the pain of being in debt is so strong that she never wants to feel it again. Therefore in her mind whatever she chose to do would have to wipe out debt not only now, but going forward for the rest of her life.

She didn't do it by being positive and all of that shit. She did it because it was worth it not to feel that pain anymore.

I know this probably sounds like common sense to all of you enlightened folks out there, but to me this was nothing short of revelation.

I've tried the positive approach to things. I've listed my goals and set them to timelines. I've worked on the details and even achieved some of the smaller stuff. I've told others about certain goals as a way to 'keep me honest' and do you know what I've achieved?

Jack shit.

Okay, granted I'm not homeless, I have food to eat and my own growing business, but the reality is, if I'd met even half of the goals on the list I created when I was 25 I would be a rich man right now living on my sail boat in South East Alaska eating salmon and crab cakes and watching the sun set into the North Pacific. My money would come from my published novels and screen plays and at this moment I'd be considering whether I was going to sleep on the boat or in my bed at home.

Get the idea? All of that stuff is 'important' to me, but since I'm pretty comfortable where I am, its not important enough to go after with all of my energy. I could probably live out the rest of my life where I am relatively complacent because I'm not in enough pain to change.

But her way of doing things gave me a reality check. Maybe if I really want to change I need to look at the pain that not having my dream is causing me. Even if that pain is subtle and easy to ignore.

We do what we focus on. And if we are comfortable all we focus on is creating more of that comfort. The instant we become uncomfortable things begin to change. It's a physiological thing that's hard wired into us. If we get cold we go somewhere warm or make a fire. You get the idea so there's no point in me belaboring it.

So in order to make the changes that need to be made I realize that I have to start thinking about the pain. What hurts and what can I do to fix it.

See what having intelligent, caring friends can lead too?

Thanks, Belle...

Be all you can be?

2011-02-07T11:09:00.000-05:00

I find myself envying the people in my life who don't feel the need to clear their heads of the bullshit that's happened to them.

They are able to have a pretty regular life ignoring things like childhood rape, mental and emotional abuse, and other events both past and present that can stop life in its tracks.

For years I've been trying to find ways to overcome depression. It runs in my family pretty strongly (multiple members over dozens of years). Since I decided to do something about the depression I have discovered or developed plenty of tools to help me in the fight.

I feel that a person can't be whole unless they deal with the shit in their head. To my way of thinking if you don't deal with it, things come back around. Yeah, you may go years without having to think about that rape, or abuse you endured. You may go years and never deal with how you feel about your parents, your siblings or your best friend treating you like shit. But what happens on that one day when your control slips and you haven't learned how to handle it?

What happens when everything that has stunted your spirit rears its ugly head and bites the fuck out of you? What then?

I don't think its possible to go your whole life and never have anything bad haunt you. The present becomes the past pretty quickly and something that happened 20 years ago can suddenly feel like it happened yesterday. Damage stays with you even if you ignore it.

The question is simple, if you don't clear out your head do you end up having all of the life that you could have had? Do you realize your potential carrying tons of ignored baggage?

I wonder.

Sitting on the bench at the park considering....

2011-01-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

There is a large family friendly park near my home that I've always enjoyed coming to. There are several baseball and football fields. A 1/4 mile track, a huge picknick/party area and the whole thing is wrapped by a 2 mile long bike/walking path.

It's one of the best places to come and switch off for an hour or two if you are so inclined.

And switching off is exactly what I need right now. Between the demands of my business and the demands of my newly awakened heart I can see how some people simply shut down and refuse to move when times get tough.

I haven't spent much time lately diving into my own head. In fact I've been purposely avoiding thinking about things at all. It's considerably less stressful to concentrate on repairing computer systems or mindlessly fixing broken things around the house than it is to get clear on what I want.

The only thing is, all of those things serve as a diversion at best.

I can only bury myself in computers for so long before my mind wanders back to the real deal - building a life that means something to me.

I wonder though, just what does 'mean something to me' even mean? Life is designed to be lived one day at a time. You can plan ahead for some things. Other things happen when they happen. A lot of life is up to the whims of fate and the universe. You can't control when you will die. You can't control the people around you. About the only thing that you have any control over is your own mind.

So, given that some portions of life are uncontrollable, where does that leave me?

I am building a business. That idea grew out of both a want and a need. I wanted to do my own thing and still make money. I needed to find ways to support myself and my family. So to the extent that it was my own idea that's a part of building a life that has meaning to me.

But at the same time I am at the whims of my clients. If they don't have work for me at that particular time I have to develop more ways to create income. I am forced to think in ways that wouldn't have occured to me as an employee. This is both good and bad.

It's good because the new way of thinking implies growth. Internal growth as a business owner/entrepreneur and a new level of maturity. I am not the same person I was when I started all of this two years ago. The idea of taking 'any old job' to pay the bills is now painful to me. I work harder to win the respect of my clients and I don't look back as much as I used to thinking about how easy it would be to just take a pay check to do the bare minimum. At the end of the day I have to live with how I feel about myself and its not worth selling out.

It's bad because I never really reach a consensus on the best way to do things. I discover and discard methods almost hourly. It's sometimes very frustrating because I can't just slip back into the mold of an employee - following someone elses procedures, even if I don't believe in them. I am left to my own devices to figure things out and if you've never had to do this let me tell you it can be very lonely and frightening. I can't use mentors every single time I need to make a decision. Life and business just don't work that way. You either learn to trust yourself or your essentially screwed.

And that's just the business portion of my day. I also am dealing with changes in my heart and mind about the life I've chosen.

I sometimes wonder if all people choose a life based on the things they are taught as a child. If you are told family is the most important thing, do you immediately start a family when you are old enough? If you are told that playing the field is the only way to be happy do you turn into a giggolo? If you are abused as a child, do you then turn around to abuse your children?

How many of us completely ignore our early training and strike out on our own? How many of us can simply ignore or overcome all of the bad or cruel things that happen just by strength of will? I'd love to meet the person who can just shake off everything and plunge ahead without dealing with any repercussions. What an incredible human being they must be.

The rest of us mere mortals must deal with life moment to moment. How would it feel to be able to trust intuition and feelings? How good would it feel to make a decision without later questioning if it was truly your idea or something that someone else put in your head.

Introspection in the park. Seems like that's exactly what I was trying to avoid, but like I said, the brain works in mysterious ways and no matter how much you might fight or try to ignore it, if there's a problem that needs solving you will come back to it until you either solve it or die.

Since I don't feel any incipient threats to mortality, I'd better get busy...

Adding Amazon

2010-12-04T13:42:00.002-05:00

I've decided to start learning about affiliate programs.

I don't know whether or not its a worthwhile venture, but residual income is the name of the game when it comes to building a real life now a-days.

Since there are only 24 hours in a day, it makes sense to use them wisely. No one can work all 24 hours and no one would want to. Hell, even if you could it wouldn't make you any more money.

Residual income works for you no matter what else is going on. That's the whole reason that writers do what they do. When you create a novel or screenplay you are paid upfront if you sell it. But over the course of time the residual income can add up to quite a bit more than you were initially paid.

Writers like Stephen King and Dean Koontz could stop writing right now and still be okay for the rest of their lives because of their past efforts. Guys like that keep writing only out of love for the craft. They have long passed any need for large influxes of money.

Anyone who does creative work dreams of the same thing in their lives. That one or two major hits that spawn an entire level of income that they can draw off of for years. And it builds on each success. Sell 9 novels and each novel will have its own income for several years after they are published.

Of course this is dependent on how well you negotiate your contract and how well you market yourself. The publisher will do some of that for you, but how successful you ultimately become is up to you.

There are dozens of creative commons authors who do their own advertising and marketing. As a result they have built a loyal fan base without the need for a huge marketing machine and the expenditure of lots of money.

People like Scott Sigler, Mur Lafferty, Chris Lester, J.C. Hutchins, Phil Rossi and more. They believe in their craft and believe in their ability to light up a crowd of fans with well written stories. It isn't about the flash and bluster. It's about building a legacy.

And believe me when I say that legacies always outlast the creator in the long run.

So I'll build my legacy one click at a time. When I start publishing I'll build it even more.

Never stop trying to be more than you are.

Peace

Writing is all about waking up

2010-11-26T10:08:00.000-05:00

Recently I've woken up to a startling reality.

Writing is about connecting to people.

Now I know that sounds kind of 'Duh!', but you have to understand how the writing process has always gone for me.

When I first tried to write a story I did it intending to impress the people that I hung around. I never felt like part of the crowd. One of those 'on the outside looking in' things that lots of pre-teens go through.

It didn't help that I lived in the projects and the word 'Geek' hadn't even been invented yet. My efforts got me called much worse words than that.

Still, I persisted because I discovered that writing helped me make sense of the world around me. It wasn't quite so scary if I was able to explain things to myself through fiction. All of a sudden stuff started making a lot more sense.

I've always been a fan of monster movies and science fiction. Add in a healthy dose of Old Time Radio serials and it's easy to see that I was doomed from the get-go.

Writing is a natural outgrowth of that love. When you see things on the screen it's almost automatic to begin re-writing it in your mind. You see where things could be made better or more clear. The imagination is spurred in ways that wouldn't occur to you on your own(well, that's partly because most movies or serials were written by teams of writers).

I did discover early on that writing is hard. It's easy to plan out a story or get some idea of how it should go, but the actual act of sitting down to write something that you hope someone else will like is HARD.

It takes an understanding of how people operate to make your story work. If your characters are constantly doing something that normal ordinary people can't understand or connect with then they will not read the story.

I don't mean that your superhero has to be shown using the bathroom, but he or she had better have at least one flaw that makes them 'human' to balance out all of the high wire acrobatics. If the character is too far outside the understanding or credulity of the reader, it will turn them off.

Even Superman has his weaknesses and had the audacity to fall in love and get married.

I realize that writing is about waking up in a lot of ways. You have to be awake and aware of the world around you to write about it. Think about this, even the world of Narnia with its talking lions and Minotaurs has some basis in reality. There are mountains and snow. There are political intrigues and family betrayal. There is a sense of the possible occurring right alongside the utterly impossible.

If you want to write a political thriller, don't you think it would be a good idea to learn how governments and politics work? If you are writing a technology story, being aware of current advances will help when it comes time to extrapolate out the inner workings of your star ships drive systems.

Don't get me wrong, you don't have to earn a political science degree or become a rocket engineer, but you should understand the basics.

That's what I meant by being awake when writing. I think that a lot of the stuff I'm trying to do is getting better because I finally admitted to myself that writing in a vacuum isn't possible and there is no way I will find everything I need to know in a book.

I have to talk to people. Get an idea of how their mind works. Learn a bit of what they know and then extrapolate out. That's what makes good fiction.

Well, that and creating characters that are human and capable of being cared about. Think about it, how many movies or books have you gone through only to realize at the end that you didn't give a shit about any of the characters?

Yeah, its something to ponder all right. And something to be aware of when I sit down to create...

Peace

A New Prayer

2010-10-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

Lord please protect me from all the perfect people in my life...

2010-06-11T09:26:00.000-04:00

It's a big world full of interesting things to do.

Trying to decide on any one path to follow is difficult. I mean, you have your values to guide you and making decisions should always be based on the things you believe, but remember, values do sometimes change. Just because an idea fit yesterday, doesn't mean that it always will.

I think we tend to grow into the people of each individual moment. And then when that moment is over, we grow into the next phase or level of who we are. In my short time I have watched dozens of friends and family change everything about who they are. Things like their attitudes about who they will and won't hang out with. Changes in the foods they eat and how much or how little exercise they get. Sexual orientation and marriage or no marriage. I've seen them jump in and out of relationships and move from one city to another.

Although they always stayed the same physical person, each change brought out something new in their personality and outlook on life. I guess its in the way we are wired. Change inspires a positive outlook. It also brings back the feeling of newness and endless possibility. This makes sense, without the inspiration of newness and discovery all of the great explorers of our time would probably have just been cabbage farmers or something.

Lately I've been wondering how to re-ignite that fire in my belly. The joy of discovery concerning the world. Travelling was one thing that always excited me. I've driven across the US 6 or 7 times over the years. I've seen parts of just about every state in the continental US and Alaska.

I know that the big thing in life is to find a home and put down roots. It's another one of those things that humans are hardwired to do. But, I also remember a phrase uttered by some unknown road warrior - "Not all who wander are lost." And I find myself taking those words to heart.

Putting down roots and staying in one place has its benefits, but what about the wanderer? What about the spirit that isn't bound to any one place or situation?

2010-06-09T11:58:00.000-04:00

It's strange. I've never been able to determine which is right - living your life for yourself, or living your life in service to others.

I can see the benefits and drawbacks of both philosophies and its kind of maddening.

If you live your life selfishly - taking what the universe has to offer without much thought to other people - you are seen as shallow, vain or a boor. The simple desire to live your life on your own terms rubs people the wrong way for some reason. Even if you never intentionally harm another human being, this approach to life is somehow seen as lacking in morals.

But my question is, how else would you ever truly be happy? There is no one on the planet with the job of making you happy or satisfied with your daily life. That ball is totally in your court.

If you spend every minute worrying about what people think of you, do you ever truly grow?

Children are prime examples of this. A child will go out of his or her way to please an adult or another child. They do this for simple, human reasons. They want to be accepted and loved. The thought of being alone is frightening and to be avoided at all costs. But as the child grows they awaken to the understanding that other people have the same needs and desires. No one is alone. I think that in the 'average' child this process is where growth really happens. When you realize that you aren't much different from the guy down the street, that desire to run out and please people begins to fade. I don't know that it ever goes away completely. If it did lovers and friends wouldn't try so hard to outdo each other.

So you grow up some and realize that you have needs of your own to be met. Then what? This is where the problem comes in for me. I love doing things for other people. I love helping people reach their potential. It gives me a huge blast of energy when someone tells me "Thanks for all your help!"

But there are times when I'm helping others that I realize that my own needs are falling by the wayside. So which way is right?

Guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on until the answer becomes more apparent.

Peace.

Getting back to basics

2010-06-02T08:55:00.000-04:00

It's strange.

I started this blog as a way to work out what I feel inside and discover ways to help me go forward in life. The problem is, I got caught up in the idea of writing 'articles' that might help other people and as a result I don't post half as much as I should.

I've also fallen into the habit of ignoring my own personal journaling. I've kept a journal on my laptop that runs back almost 6 years, yet when I glanced at it recently I realize that I haven't made a single entry for 2010.

Talking about how we feel inside isn't easy for lots of us. To a degree its not easy for me either. I only put a fraction of what's really going on in my head into this blog. That comes from a historical desire for some level of privacy and is normal. But in my own personal journal, that sits in a locked file on my personal laptop, I should be able to say whatever the hell I want.

And that's why I said strange at the start of this post. It's almost like I am afraid to really write down what's going on in my head. That sucks, I mean, really, if I can't be honest with myself then who can I be honest with?

So anyway, I intend to begin making more regular blog entries about the things that I am trying to develop into my 'philosophy' of life. I finally realize that despite who I know and how 'strong' or 'together' they may seem, they have their life and I have mine and that's the way it should be.

I had hoped that some kind of collaboration might eventually result from certain relationships that I've cultivated, but that hope is faded into a gray reality. When it comes to writing, I am on my own. So be it.

Time to get back to the basics of the story. Character, situation, plot, dialog and action. I'm never going to be a published author waiting around for someone to guide me through it. I used to believe strongly in the concept of finding a teacher to learn from so that I didn't have to reinvent the wheel at every turn. What I've found is that the best teacher is always your own heart and mind. People come and go out of your life. It's up to you to achieve your goals, no one will EVER do more for you than you will do for yourself.

You just have to be willing to trust what you feel and listen to the smallest voice inside you that never lies.

Peace

There's no time like the present to remember the good stuff

2010-05-10T15:33:00.000-04:00

My wife and I were talking this morning and she said something that struck a chord in my mind.

Our conversation concerned a time when we’d gone to the coast - just the two of us for a long weekend getaway. 4 incredible days of booze induced sexy haze and rain soaked bliss. She said – “When it’s good between us, it’s really good.” The conversation went on, but those particular words tumbled around and around in my head, finding a resonance that went beyond straight forward.

As a species we are predisposed to wait until bad times strike, or a relationship is nearing its end to remember the good times. In the course of daily life treasured moments slip away and are forgotten in the heat of now. It’s easy to forget how much you and your partner fit each other like well worn gloves. The post coital glow and pillow talk don’t last, but taxes, thorny problems and parent-in-laws seem to have unlimited staying power. I dunno, maybe that’s a good thing. None of us would get any work done if we didn’t come down off of the glow at some point.

But still, when relationships hit the skids, or worse, have ended in disaster, that’s when we finally begin to remember ‘the good old days’. We habitually look at the past through myopic glasses and the far away ‘bad’ stuff seems somehow fuzzy and indistinct. We rewrite history and remember the laughter and incredible sex. We try mightily to minimize and explain away the tears and pain. Things weren’t all that bad. Were they?

I’m guilty of it. I sometimes think about my ex-wife and remember growing up together and the first few years of our relationship. I remember the fun stuff and running the streets together, planning our futures just like most teens who haven’t experienced real life yet. When she and I were together we were too deep into it to pay attention to the little things. Life went on and we went with it. It never occurred to me that the good things in our relationship might have held it together like glue if we’d only been able to remember them then. Only problem is, thinking about that stuff now is like acid in a wound. The relationship is LONG over, but that doesn’t stop the memories from coming bubbling to the surface. It’s up to me (and it’s up to you) how much of the bad stuff I am willing to let get in the way of what I have now.

It’s this thought that made my current wife’s words so relevant. She and I have been through lots of changes in our 18 years together. Good times, bad times, meh times. But in order to keep things strong we have to remember that the good stuff has largely outweighed the bad. We’ve been incredibly lucky in our choices. We have healthy children, a good roof over our heads, food to eat, good friends and a relationship that is actually growing. (Sometimes slowly, other times in fits and starts, but growing all the same.)

Waiting for the relationship to be on the outs is the wrong time to start living in the past. What I mean is, the past is gone, it can’t come back and it’s unlikely that repetition is possible. You have to live each day with as much joy as possible.

How happy you are is up to you and if you have someone you trust to share that happiness with you are already ahead of many. The good times are the spark plugs that keep the relationship engine firing. The moments that make your union stronger are the points at which you laughed, cried, loved and lived arm in arm. Remember the good times now. Tell your significant other how much you love them now. Let your children see you smile at their antics now.

Let the past be the past – don’t dwell on it. Don’t treat the past as though it’s somehow better than the present. Hold onto the lessons that are learned when someone you love loves you back. Let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter or is out of sync with who you are. Last time I checked, we each get only one go-round so why not do
what needs to be done now?

Can we fix each other?

2010-02-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

In a committed relationship this is the ultimate loaded question. It presupposes that something is wrong with one of you. It also presupposes that whatever the issue - it’s the other person who is responsible for the problem.

Men and women (or whatever your desire) are drawn to each other by biological, physical, emotional and religious imperatives that took thousands of years to develop. We are hardwired to seek out someone to share a portion of our lives.

Although I’ve met people who swear that they don’t need anybody, to this mindset I say - bullshit. Even if the other ‘person’ in your life is a dog, cat, or goldfish - human beings are designed to give and receive love. Even serial killers and terrorists love someone.

When you try to force the concept of ‘fixing’ someone so that you can love them, you cheapen everything that makes the relationship possible in the first place. Any true relationship is defined by the differences that promote growth. No two people are going to think or feel alike, so why would anyone feel that such a basic truth is subject to ‘fixing’?

It is our differences that make us stronger.

I’m not talking about a sociopath who goes out and kills children. I’m talking about the strengths and weaknesses we bring to the table. If you are a spender, you will invariably end up with a saver. If you are a workaholic, it’s a safe bet that you will end up with a nester. Variety is the spice of life and if you are a science fiction fan you will know that whoever controls the spice controls the universe…

If you take time to get to know the person you are with, you realize that they have the other half of the equation. Change any significant part of them and the equation becomes unbalanced.

Now all of this isn’t to say that you won’t seek to round off rough edges. I fully understand that having your mate throw banana peels on the kitchen floor gets annoying. But asking said partner to please hit the garbage can isn’t ‘changing’ anything. It’s asking for common courtesy.

True negative change requires reinventing the ‘soul’ of the person. It means taking a devout saver and turning them into a rampant spender. It means undermining and replacing the essence of an individual’s beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and values until they are no longer recognizable as individual. This can occur with or without the consent of the person being changed. Anyone of weak will can be easily molded and even strong willed people have a breaking point. Just ask any torture specialist or over amped type A personality…

It sounds unthinkable, but in an effort to make a relationship form itself to a desire, it happens all the time. As a race of beings who constantly seek to shape our environment to our needs, is it less rational to think that we would try to change the people in our lives?

So what’s the answer?

How about simple trust? Learn to listen, I mean really listen to what the significant other in your life has to say. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Listen and respond from your heart. Even if the words that come out aren’t what you want to hear, it will be honest. And honesty is appreciated, even if it’s sometimes misunderstood. You can’t build trust without honesty and empathy.

Look at it this way. You chose this person for a reason. Something about them sparked the animal part of your brain and before you knew it, you were having dinner at that special place. Laughing at inane jokes and feeling the butterflies run amok in your stomach. There was a fire in those eyes that you couldn’t deny. You got them - and Lord Be Praised, they got you!

And it doesn’t matter if 20 days or 20 years have gone by; those initial feelings are still floating around. See them there? Just a little buried under layers of bills and dirty diapers and the mother-in-law from Hell. But during that one quiet instant, the moment when you catch each other’s eyes after a full day of fighting.

See - there it is... The spark. The actual junction of your relationship that defies description or explanation. The ‘it’ in your ‘us’ soup. Bruised, battered and dingy, but still there. Still pulsing with the slow knock of your heart.

Now, would you really want to change that?

Learned perspective and the development of core values

2009-12-14T00:32:00.000-05:00

I’ve never been a person who lives by a specific code. What I mean is, I invent my life as I go (probably not a unique trait.) Some of that comes from my upbringing. I moved around a lot as a child and flexibility was the name of the game. It was pretty near impossible to form a hardened mindset about anything because I never knew where I would end up and what I would have to cope with.

While I do have a strong moral compass, I don’t possess a solid set of Dr Laura type principles to fall back on when things go south. To me that dichotomy is interesting and the focus of this article.

I have been called a ‘good guy’ by people I trust (not in a good way mind you). What I think they mean is that I have a tendency to go out of my way not to hurt people’s feelings. Don’t get me wrong, if I am actually slighted I will respond, but I don’t go to extra lengths to hurt someone I don’t know (or someone I know or that matter). I’ve also been told that I take on too many responsibilities and don’t let those around me help.

There are three reasons for this.

1. I don’t believe in having people do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself.

2. There are some things that I know I am faster at and it makes no sense to watch someone struggle with an issue I can handle in three seconds.

3. I’m not interested in making extra work for myself when a task gets done incorrectly and then has to be redone or fixed. (I am not the sort to watch someone do something over and over again when it’s obvious they don’t get it.)

The above list isn’t a value set, but I can see how they could be interpreted as one.

Since I never developed a rock solid way of looking at everything around me I’ve been free to reinvent myself. One month I can wear all black and listen only to rap music. The next month I am wearing a brighter color and am only interested in classical. The point is I don’t see the value in locking my heart to change. A lot of what I do believe deep inside comes from this notion.

I believe in family. I believe in love. I believe in Coney Island dogs and big pretzels. I trust that God has a plan for everyone, but I probably don’t believe in God the way that you do. I have my own version of heaven and hell (just like I think everyone really does). I feel pain when I look at the starving children around the world, but I am also aware that I am shallow enough to probably never do anything to help them. I am wrapped up in my own cocoon of self pity and anguish at the same time that I also love this entire world and the blue sky.

Values are contradictions when you get right down to it. I have so many friends who talk a good game about supporting their families and community and then never do anything for either. I have lived my whole life around people who claim to have religious and sanctified hearts only to be out on Friday and Saturday night drinking everything in the club and chasing after someone else’s wife. News stories run almost every day about some parent beating their child to death so they could have their freedom. And I’ll bet that all these different kinds of people have one thing in common.

They all have a value system.

It might not match mine or yours, but it’s a system that works for them nonetheless. It allows them to justify everything that happens in their world. Just like you and I do. But if you listen to certain people on the radio and TV, or in your family for that matter, you are supposed to develop one way of looking at the world so that you will fit into society. The popular concept is that marching lock-step with those around you will help you achieve in life. But wait, if that were true then why are there so many malcontents and social misfits making millions of dollars per year? Somebody somewhere is keeping secrets…

So, of what use is a value system?

My personal belief is that what you value determines how your life will be spent. Human beings are notorious creatures of habit and we observe those habits regardless of the circumstances. If we value companionship enough then we have friends and acquaintances. If we value money above all else, we will find ways to have a fat wallet. If we desire to be alone, well, there are ways to make that happen as well.

Values change. Usually as a person ages and experiences more of life there is a dawning wisdom about the nature of the world. It isn’t always accurate. Like I said earlier we are creatures of habit and one of our major habits is interpreting the world around us through our own filters. But remember the truest things about experience – Garbage In, Garbage Out. If those filters are clogged with years of resentment and living lies then the perception will be colored by that. If the filter is based in a sanitized version of the world then the perception will be tainted as well.

I guess my point is, since not very many of us see the world as it truly is, how can we claim to have a set system of values designed to cope with it all? I’m not the smartest person alive, but I do recognize that my perception is colored by who I have ‘decided’ to be at any one stage in life. Since I’ve started down the path with this blog I’ve figured out a lot. However, what I’ve discovered is the more stuff I learn the more ignorant I realize I am. Somehow, I think it will take more than a locked scheme of values to help with that.

Communication is so much more than just talking

2009-12-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

Although I have been writing all of my life, when the opportunity arose to do a series of articles on relationships, I had to step back for a moment and think about it.

Okay, I have some experience in the arena. In my short time on the planet I’ve been married twice. To two incredible women who are as different from each other as night and day. All told, my marriage experience runs over 22 years. I have raised my children and travelled around the world. I’ve got life experience garnered the hard way, like most everyone else. I’ve managed to learn a thing or two because I love to study the human animal up close and personal. But a relationship series?

Hmm…

Let me say this much – I am not a trained professional. All my information is home spun and hard knock taught. You will probably never see me on Oprah giving advice to husbands and wives across America. Not that I would anyway…

On the other hand, I have earned every single scar that I possess. My memories of love and pain are as relevant to the current state of relationships as anyone else. And on top of that, I am not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, just as I am not ashamed to talk about my triumphs.

What is a relationship between a man and a woman but a series of dismal mistakes and ultimate triumphs? A realization of how two people can complete each other in a way that simply isn’t possible for an individual.

Not to say that being on your own for a period of time is a bad thing. Some of my most effective learning experiences have come from spending time alone, getting to know who I truly was. But to feel whole, to feel truly needed, there has to be more than one. Remember, you can almost always get away with lying to yourself, but you can only lie to another person for so long.

Over the course of my two marriages one theme has been constant. Communication is the key to survival. When I was first married, I assumed that we were communicating. Hell, we’d been high school sweethearts. We had survived the destruction of our mothers friendship and the temptation of other people. Including the first two years of my time in the Army. I thought that I knew her and she knew me.

My mistake was in the assumption. It was also in forgetting a prime fact about people – they change.

I assumed that she and I would always be together.

I assumed that she had my best interests at heart.

I assumed that she wanted the same thing I did.

Notice a pattern?

Even through talking to someone every day it’s possible not to understand them. Communication is more than just spitting words at each other. It’s the process of using words and actions to convey meaning to a being outside you. Realize that people who aren’t in your head don’t get your intention or sometimes even your meaning. Showing someone you love them is such a multifaceted effort that it’s amazing to me that relationships work at all. There are so many convolutions possible between two people that it’s frightening. On the flip side of what I just said is the fact that the convolutions make relationships such fun and so worth the effort. Even riding a motorcycle through a burning building doesn’t carry the same rush as finally discovering a way to open up to a person you’re trying to woo.

So in my first marriage I made a serious mistake. I never asked my wife what she wanted. I continued to march as if I already had the answer and she would fall into lock step behind me. I didn’t (or couldn’t) comprehend that when two people get together they are still ‘2’ people. Two minds. Set sets of desires. Two ultimate destinies.

Ultimately she and I split, but I emerged from the event with some strengths and knowledge that I hadn’t possessed before. I also realized one thing; it’s not a good idea to think that everything will be alright tomorrow just because it is today.

Relationships take work. A level of effort that borders on the Herculean. Communication has to go both ways. It has to be realistic and it HAS to include both. Ever tried talking to a solid brick wall? Have any luck getting it to be a wooden fence?

By realistic I mean reasonable. Asking for things that are completely outside of your mate’s ability or willingness to provide is a sure way to failure. I’m not saying to keep secrets, although in all honesty all relationships have some secrets. There is no reason that you should have to reveal every single thing from your life to anyone. Some things are truly private. For the most part she or he will be willing to listen and try to make changes. Within reason.

Remember they are there because they were flexible enough to accept you in the first place. But more to the point a bond of trust exists. That bond will ensure a willing audience. It goes without saying that there are things I’ve revealed to my wife that I wouldn’t reveal to my mother. I trust that she will keep those things in confidence and because that bond of trust exists between us, I am free to share or ask of her what I will. And it goes both ways, she trusts me so opening up is easier.

Notice I didn’t say easy. I said easier. It’s never easy to give that much of yourself away without knowing exactly what you will get in return. But that bond of trust greases the wheels. You have less chance of feeling judged.

That’s why communication, true communication, is so damned necessary. Just talking won’t do it. There has to be an understanding by both of you that judgment and recrimination are not a part of the equation. There has to be full knowledge that your words or feelings won’t end up in the National Enquirer.

Or the six o’clock news…

Man up

2009-12-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

What exactly does it mean to be a ‘Man’?

If you ask a hundred people you’re going to get a hundred different answers. For years now I’ve been trying to define what being a man means to me without much success. There are so many different facets that make up the concept and reality of ‘being a man’.

• It can mean holding a job and paying bills on time
• It can mean being a provider for those you care about
• It can mean being a leader and visionary
• It can mean riding a megaton rocket into orbit and being a hero
• And it can mean holding on to your values in the face of incredible adversity.

But is it more? The stuff above isn’t really all that taxing if you think about it logically. Okay, it’s true that finding and maintaining a job isn’t as easy as it used to be. But the reality of the work world hasn’t changed significantly. You go to work, do what you have to and draw a paycheck. Unless your job involves disarming bombs on a daily basis, it’s probably pretty safe.

No, what I’m talking are the more esoteric things. What about the journey to find a place in the world? What about the search for happiness and fulfillment as a living, breathing human being?

There’s supposed to be more to life than just paying bills and raising children. My way of thinking has always focused on meeting the needs of those that I am responsible for. Parents, family, children, my wife. But is there supposed to be more?

Life can be busy. So busy, in fact, that the things that matter the most get lost in the shuffle. At some point it becomes paramount to stop yourself and take stock. Some of the greatest lessons we learn don’t come out of any classroom. They come from sitting quietly with ourselves and being brutally honest about how we feel.
It becomes a question of – are you making choices or are your choices making you? For a long time I never understood the difference. I assumed that I was making choices and my life was proceeding accordingly. As it turns out, that is far from true.

In the space between heartbeats there are millions of choices. Go left or go right? Get married or stay single? Kids or no kids? Eat healthy or pig out on the fast food? Pay the light bill or buy food?

A man is presented with choices every day and quite a few things depend on making the right ones. The health and welfare of his family come immediately to mind. Sometimes a bad choice isn’t a total disaster. There are a ton of things that you can screw up and get a do-over. But again there’s that nagging question – what is a man, really? How many screw ups do you get? Is there a limit on fallibility?

I know someone who believes that everyone should live a life of action as opposed to reaction. This person thinks that all problems in life could be solved if people simply acted quickly and decisively no matter the situation. No one I know acts this way, not even the person who made the statement. I don’t really even know what a person like that would be like. Even the strongest leaders need to think things through before crashing through walls.

I also know a person who thinks that a man is supposed to be the rock and anchor for his home. He is expected to be there for everyone in the family whenever they need him regardless of the situation. He’s should be full of wisdom and useful knowledge, but also be a disciplinarian when the occasion calls for it. He shouldn’t show weakness, but then he also shouldn’t be so distant that he can’t connect. He should only find his wife attractive so as not to be tempted to stray. Sounds a bit like Ward Cleaver to me, but this person would be interesting to hang out with for about a minute or so. Beyond that I think the nearness of so much perfection might scar me for life…

Life takes twists and turns that no one can anticipate. Having a set of morals to live by helps to navigate the rapids, but the reality is, NO one is so solid that their morals or values are the sole guiding star in their world. You MUST be flexible. Even the strongest steel will eventually bend in the wind.

So I guess the answer to my question is - a man is flexible. Tough where he needs to be, and tender on the other side of it. A font of knowledge while also being open to learning new things. The other examples above are a bit too rigid for me. Ultimately being a man is exactly the same as being a human being.

Wow, whoda thunk it…

Nice musical piece

2009-09-29T23:05:00.000-04:00

This one is pretty relaxing. Too bad the CD is out of print.

Peace.

Figuring it all out

2009-08-17T08:39:00.000-04:00

It’s been a long time since I posted to this.

Life takes twists and turns that would make the most hardcore rollercoaster rider sick in just a few seconds. My life is no different.

Since I left AT&T a year ago I have been trying with all my might to make my way in the world according to my own rules. This includes a career or business that I have deep passion for. Not just something that I take because it offers a steady paycheck.

For the first time in my life I felt a powerful need for something that was uniquely mine. A way for me to stand up and say that I’d created something that matters.

I’ve had enough examples of people who have made it doing their own thing. People in my personal life and those I’ve read about over the years who decided that the status quo wasn’t enough. It’s easy to go through life working for someone else. It’s less taxing to have others making the decision about what you are going to do every day and how much money they are going to pay you for it. There’s no real struggle in getting up in the morning and clocking in at the job 5 days a week and doing the bare minimum. But, what I wonder is, despite all of that, is there any true joy in conformity?

In my whole 44 years I have only met one man who claims to be completely happy with his job. He says that it gives him everything he could want. It is a job he’s been doing for probably more than 20 years and he sees no reason to look for another one. More power to him.

That’s one person out of several hundred. I've lost count of the blogs on the web by people who are dissatisfied with their jobs or career choices. One woman in particular started a blog that dealt with ways to leave the rat race and find a true calling. Her blog eventually led to a published book and a speaking tour that has made her life just what she wanted it to be. My hat is off to Pamela Slim and the Escape from Cubicle Nation podcast and blog. She was one of my inspirations to follow my dream.

It hasn’t been easy. And it’s far from being over.

I should have spent more time defining just what the goal was before I jumped. I knew that I wanted to work for myself and the clients I chose. I also knew that whatever I did, it would involve writing. I wasn’t completely locked on any one idea, I just wanted to be able to sit down at a keyboard and produce things that people would be able to use to sell their products or market their company. I also should have set an end time to put the dream aside if I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere.

Within the last few months I’ve managed to make a bit of money that ties directly into the dream. But it’s not enough to live on yet. It’s not really even enough to brag about. But it is progress and gives me the encouragement I need to keep going. I won a contract with a company to produce sales pitches and I’m working with two other companies to develop web content and a business plan.

Momentum is a good thing, especially when it has to do with keeping a dream from turning into a class A nightmare. But I’ll say it again, this hasn’t been easy.

There have been a lot of sleepless nights and anxiety over my choices. A part of the anxiety rises from the fact that I am trying to follow my own path different from the one I was ‘told’ to follow. I’ve always been encouraged to get a good education and then find a company to stay with until I retire. Not once did the words ‘start your own business’ pass anyone’s lips. No one in my family owns their own business. It’s been a tradition for almost everyone to stay with one or two companies until retirement.

I’m trying to build a business so that I can be a model for my children to follow. I don’t really want them graduating from school and just looking for a job. I want them to build something of their own so that their children won’t have to struggle the way I have. Who knows, maybe three generations down the line we will have something that my grandparents dreamed of – a secure future.

I’m trying to build this business for myself as well. I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed with the only accomplishment I can show for my life being that I was on time for work every day, or winning employee of the month 20 years ago…

Another reason for my anxiety is that I chose to try business ownership in one of the worst economies of my life. The powers that be don’t want to use the D word, but I don’t mind calling a spade a spade. This is our (the 21st century version) of the great depression. It’s different from the one in the 30’s, but for all intents a purposes we are in a financial drought that is affecting the entire world.

Companies are laying people off in record numbers and tightening their belts. They really need the help of external contractors but most are so concerned with spending money that they would rather do without. This trend is probably going to continue for some time and since I am essentially a consultant, I have to make the best of the situation. There are people out there who have prospered during this period. I don’t feel that I am any less intelligent than they are. Perhaps I am a bit less skilled in bringing in new business, but that will change with time.

Dictating our path through life is the only real power that we have. You can’t control when you die. You can’t control your family. You can’t control your friends. You can’t control the weather. And you certainly can’t control the company you work for. The best you can do when you work for someone else is keep you head down and hope the axe misses your neck.

If I have to choose between the uncertainty of working for myself and the uncertainty of working for someone else, I’ll take the former every time.

That wonderfully artificial construct known as time…

2009-04-29T20:41:00.000-04:00

Let me say this first, I don’t consider time to be all that important. What I mean is that from my own personal vantage point, when someone needs me, I am there. I don’t put limits on the hour of the day or the weather. The people I know don’t ask things of me lightly. Usually, if someone needs me for something it’s a task they can’t achieve on their own.

Sleep has always been kind of an enemy of mine. I regularly average about 5 hours per night. This isn’t new; I’ve been less than a fan of sleep since I was 10 or so. Joining the Army only drove that aspect deeper into me. There were frequent 48 to 50 hour marathons of work. You would snatch sleep where you could and got used to resting in the oddest places.

Unfortunately this has caused me not to understand or appreciate how some people need 8 to 10 hours of sleep a day. I have a former neighbor who pretty much spends his entire weekend sleeping or taking constant naps. For him this is a good thing and the way he wants to live his life. More power to him I say. But it’s an alien concept to me.

The problem with all this usually happens when I need something from my wife at 2AM. She is a sleeper. One of those people who can fall asleep in 3.2 seconds. I’ve always been amazed at how she can be talking one moment and softly snoring before completely getting out the last of her sentence. How is this a problem you ask?

Well, there isn’t a common middle ground about time. I think nothing of being awake and working until the wee hours of the morning. If she makes it past midnight it’s usually cause for celebration. I know that our bodies are different and I’ve grown used to not sleeping all the time, but I am really beginning to wonder just how deep that difference goes.

Sleeping is a form of death to me. A period of time that I just exist and am not in some sort of control. Just like time, which I consider an artificial thing that humans created to keep track of their lives. I’ve been in situations where I’ve lived on a schedule that is closer to the way that the world actually works. You wake when it’s time to wake, not to some fucking alarm clock. Your body gets the rest it needs according to its own internal clock. To me that’s more natural, but the problem is, the working world survives on an artificial schedule that no one even knows who created.

You have to wake up two to three hours earlier than normal in order to ‘get ready’ or ‘beat the traffic’. And for some reason those of us who manage to find ways to make money with methods that don’t require a 9 to 5 schedule are looked at like some kind of aliens. If we don’t work for a company or deal with rush hour traffic then there is something wrong. We aren’t living ‘the American dream’. It’s pathetic. I really can’t imagine anything more American than making your way under your own steam. Its how this country was built.

I know three music stars, multiple writers, some website designers and one photographer who are making money hand over fist without the normal 9 to 5 grind. Their schedules are their own. They work quite a bit harder than the average person who puts in 8 hours at the office, but they are still viewed at as if they are slacking in some way. It’s all a bit sad.

And then there is the impact that artificial time schedules have on children. Studies have shown over and over again that when children pigeonholed into the same social standards without thought for that child’s individual gifts, the child suffers. Creativity is reduced, original thought is stifled and long term growth is sacrificed for conformity. Now magnify shoving children into that mold over the course of a lifetime and what do you get?

I won’t answer that. There are people out their light years smarter than me who have it all figured out.

Anyway, time for me is something that happens at its own pace. I try not to put limits on things because I am not in control of anything outside of my immediate environment. (It’s a work in progress and I am not always able to maintain my focus or my composure) If my wife, family member or good friend needs me at 3AM I am not going to quibble because it’s dark outside. I am also trying my hardest not to stick my kids into any one version of how they should spend their time. There are structured moments and there are moments that just exist. My greatest hope is that they turn out to be adults who know when to worry about time and when not to.

In other words, not slaves to a damned time clock. Wish me luck…

Peace.

Growing pains

2009-04-20T21:13:00.000-04:00

Watching my 16 year old go through the dance of life has been an enlightening experience.

Since I passed that stage so long ago it’s been relegated to the dim parts of my memory and the feelings that I had are largely forgotten. The only thing I remember clearly was having a lot more freedom than my sisters. I did have a serious girlfriend who eventually became my wife and the mother of my oldest son. Serious as in she was my first sexual experience. Serious as in we stayed together through high school and my first year in Germany until I returned to the states and we were married.

She played her games while I was gone and I played mine, but when it came time to be serious, she was the one who actually pushed the issue of marriage. I was perfectly willing to wait, but I think she was in a hurry to get on with her life.

Anyway, I am getting away from my point.

My second son is 16. He is experiencing the push for independence in a way that I wish I’d done.

Let me see if I can make this clear. By the time I was his age I’d already been having sex for about 8 months. I’d joined the army on the delayed enlistment program during the summer of 1982. I’d been ready to be an adult for quite some time, taking courses that weren’t typical for high school students. Things like how to manage money, how to buy a house, how to buy stocks and other things. I was ready to be an adult.

Or so I thought…

I won’t get into the mess I made of things. The people who know me best are aware of the fucked up choices I made.

But my son, who is the focus of this post, is ready to make the same jump. He is convinced that he can take care of himself. Now don’t misunderstand me, he knows that a job at Publix isn’t going to pay any major bills. He also knows that getting his ‘girlfriend’ pregnant would be tantamount to an Irwin Allen disaster film. But he is chomping at the bit to get on with his life. He wants to make his own rules. He wants to be able to drive himself to school, and to the movies. He wants to be able to get up in the morning to his own schedule and get ready the way he feels suits who he is.

I understand him. I also know that there is a lot he doesn’t know. It makes me wonder about myself as a parent and human being. Since I had a lot of the same desire to write my own destiny I can appreciate his impatience. My problem was, I was never as sure of myself as he seems to be. He knows that he is not perfect. He also knows that no one else will dictate his success or failure. In that vein he is light years ahead of where I was at his age. He is aware of the fact that in order to grow he has to ‘do him’ and not really allow anyone else into the decision making process that will move him away from that.

I find myself envying him. I wonder where I would be right now if I’d been as self aware as he is.

I’ve spent my life putting other people first. It was a choice and I am not really upset by it, but it doesn’t keep me from being aware that there were options that I missed.

My children are the primary reason for my continuing struggle to be a good dad and writer. I figure that if I am able to create the career I truly want then I can help them realize that there is much more to life than just graduating from school and going to work for someone else.

My second son, all of 16 and ½ is a constant reminder of the fact that no matter how bad I screw up, they will grow into the people they were meant to be. I know that I have some impact on how they turn out, but for the most part their adult lives will be whatever they choose. Just as my mother only had a minimal impact on my adult life. I can guide them only so far. The human imperative is to attempt to live life on your own terms. If you never stray from who you were when your parents were controlling your every move have you truly lived?

It’s just interesting to me when I look at how much of a difference there is between my 16 year old and me. And it’s even more interesting when I look at how similar we are…

Peace

Fractured

2009-04-09T18:34:00.000-04:00

I’m sure that no one will be surprised when I say there are things about who I am that I have never shared with anyone else. Nor will I ever share them. Some are embarrassing. Some are stupid and some are completely out there.

Not that I’m a closet serial killer or anything crazy. I just know that deep inside of me are things that the people I know wouldn’t accept. My friends and family are very practical people. They base their entire lives on the world around them. Cars, home, friends, jobs, bills, etc. There isn’t any room for things that don’t immediately lead to money or status.

I’ve always been a dreamer. Connected to the world only by the most tenuous of threads. Anchored here by my choices, like everyone else, but not really fitting into a convenient mold.

Black dreamers are shunned. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Every time I’ve tried to mire myself in the mendacity of life it never works. I end up severely depressed and out of sorts. Usually it takes a trip to the ocean to cure this. Or cooking for a lot of people. Cooking always seems to help moderate my mental status.

But I’ve noticed one thing that has become a real problem.

Since I have to live in the world in order to support myself and my family, I have to suppress the parts of me that want to dream. Dreaming isn’t logical when the mortgage is due. I also have to block the childish part that ‘wants what it wants right now…dammit’! This part is responsible for a lot of my sex drive, but that obviously has to be controlled since I am trying to build businesses in both the profit and non-profit world.

Although, I do sometimes wonder if a blast of sexual energy could be beneficial in business meetings. People tend to gravitate towards people that are attractive. Human beings have build millions of businesses out of the same energy that drives sexuality and desire for fulfillment.

The problem with all this fracturing is I will tend to live my life in chunks separated by what I am doing at that moment. Instead of being a whole person all the time, I will be one way with business partners, one way with my family, and yet another way with friends and acquaintances. Given enough time I won’t know who the fuck I am anymore. Am I the businessman? Am I the father? Am I the husband, the son, the brother, the friend? A combination of all of them? At which point do I switch it all off and just be me? And since I brought that up, what exactly does ‘me’ mean? I have a friend who swears that the part that thinks it is ‘me’ is my ego and it’s trying to kill anything good that might happen just so it can stay alive in its status quo. He says that each time I fail at something it’s because my ego sensed its own impending death and found a way to talk me out of the change.

I wonder if this is why so many people seem two-faced or wishy-washy. They have spent so long developing different personalities for different occasions (protecting their ego) that they have completely forgotten who they truly are. They bury parts of themselves so deep that it’s impossible to remember anything of value about their inner being. No wonder so many humans are borderline schizophrenic.

The Wikipedia entry defines it this way –

Schizophrenia (pronounced /ˌskɪtsəˈfrɛniə/ or pronounced /ˌskɪtsəˈfriːniə/), from the Greek roots skhizein (σχίζειν, "to split") and phrēn, phren- (φρήν, φρεν-, "mind") is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality. It most commonly manifests as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social or occupational dysfunction. Onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood,[1] with approximately 0.4–0.6%[2][3] of the population affected. Diagnosis is based on the patient's self-reported experiences and observed behavior.

The article goes on to say this –

The disorder is thought to mainly affect cognition, but it also usually contributes to chronic problems with behavior and emotion. People with schizophrenia are likely to have additional (comorbid) conditions, including major depression and anxiety disorders;[7] the lifetime occurrence of substance abuse is around 40%. Social problems, such as long-term unemployment, poverty and homelessness, are common. Furthermore, the average life expectancy of people with the disorder is 10 to 12 years less than those without, due to increased physical health problems and a higher suicide rate

Hell, the whole article is worth reading –

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

So add to that stew our desire to fit in with society, sometimes at all costs. I am no different than anyone else. I want to be loved and needed. I want to feel valued and know that my contributions matter. I know that I have done things that go against who I am in order to fit in.

That’s not even news. What is fascinating is the effect that long term exposure to that kind of thinking has done to my life. It’s hard to feel like I am in charge when I’ve fractured myself to fit the situation so much.

It’s only now, at 43, that I realize I can’t live this way anymore. Falling into someone else’s orbit isn’t acceptable because I realize I will never be the writer I want to be unless I change.

That’s why I picked honesty and focus for this year. I would have failed miserably if I’d just made some stupid resolution to lose weight or something. That shit never works. But this..

This is working very well.

Peace.

Escaping childhood

2009-04-09T12:14:00.000-04:00

Or can you?

If I do an honest assessment of who I am now I am convinced that I have only moved fractionally away from the person I was as a child.

As a child I –

· Loved science and science fiction (movies, TV shows, novels, short stories, it didn’t matter so long as there was a spaceship or an alien)
· Thought horror movies were the coolest thing ever
· Love to try to write stories to entertain myself
· Loved to spend time by myself in the woods or on the beach
· Avoided large crowds of people or enclosed spaces
· Felt that most people could be trusted – to a point
· Worried that I didn’t fit in with my family or friends
· Worried about the future and what kind of life I would have as a poor child from the projects
· Wondered if I would ever meet someone who loved me for who I really was
· Was terrified of the alcoholic dentist that we went to
· Loved the old radio serials from the 40’s and 50’s
· Truly believed that Humphrey Bogart was the best actor of all time
· Never noticed that there weren’t any black people in the old Saturday morning scifi movies that I loved so much (and didn’t really care)

And things haven’t really changed all that much since I’ve become an ‘adult’ –

· Love science and science fiction (movies, TV shows, novels, short stories, it doesn’t matter so long as there was a spaceship or an alien, but my tastes have changed a bit to be more sophisticated)
· Think horror movies have largely given way to loads of fake blood being thrown all over the set instead of inspiring true fear
· Still love to try to write stories to entertain myself (but all of a sudden it isn’t as much fun as it used to be)
· Love to spend time by myself in the woods or on the beach (just have to plan ahead now)
· Avoided large crowds of people or enclosed spaces (this hasn’t changed at all)
· Feel that most people can be trusted – to a point
· Still don’t fit in with my family or friends (especially since I stopped drinking)
· Worried about the future and what kind of life I would have as a man who is determined to find his own way
· Know that it’s possible to meet someone who loves me for me, but now I wonder how much of myself it’s safe to share
· Still isn’t all that fond of dentist or the dentistry profession
· Still loves the old radio serials from the 40’s and 50’s (just listen to them on my iPod now)
· Truly believed that Humphrey Bogart was the best actor of all time (Yep!)
· Never noticed that there weren’t any black people in the old Saturday morning scifi movies that I loved so much (and didn’t really care)(but now I am aware and pissed off for the fact that it has ruined the nostalgic feeling of watching the movies. I can’t just enjoy them for their own merits, everything is about whether there are black people in it…)

On the whole the only thing that really ‘changed’ was that I discovered sex. And I’ll be honest, I don’t know how much of a benefit that was. Sex is cool and all, but I apparently don’t know the difference between what’s supposed to be ‘normal’ and what is supposed to be ‘extreme’ or ‘too much’. But that topic is for another blog entry.

Right now I want to further examine the aspect of my seeming lack of change from then to now. I consider my childhood up to the point that we moved to California and I met the first girl I had sex with. I was 15. It totally stopped every other thought running through my head and as far as I’m concerned it started the path to adulthood that I am still on.

I choose this point because it was a major crossroads in creating ‘me’. Up to that point all I cared about was hanging out with my friends, playing D&D, riding my bike and otherwise being left alone. After that first time, lots of things that used to matter stopped being important.

I began planning for the future. I began to realize that life would change drastically, especially after I graduated. I can’t be sure, but I think that was the thought process that made me sign up for the military at 16 and then leave home before my 18th birthday. But through it all, I never really ‘changed’. My focus was different since I was no longer a child with child wants and needs. Who I was inside didn’t shift at all.

It wasn’t really until recently that I’ve begun to feel the pull of mortality. Having the first job that I’d ever had where injuries were common sort of woke me up to the vulnerability of my body. Having a job where mental abuse was common woke me up to the vulnerability of my mind and spirit. And then there was the damned foreclosure…

Despite all that, I still feel the same inside. I still like everything that’s on the list above. I still feel the same dislikes and have the same fears. That’s what got me to wondering if people ever really change.

Yes they get older and their tastes alter. Tastes in clothes, friends, foods, sexual habits, etc. But they don’t really ‘change’. There are people I’ve known my entire 43 years who are, at their core, the same person they were when we were kids together in Utica.

A lot of my current friends are the same people they were when I met them 5, 10 or 20 years ago. They still eat, drink, hang out, smoke weed, fuck, get screwed and communicate the same way they did when I met them. Sometimes they have to modify their diet due to some new ailment or fad diet, but that’s not a true change.

In my time I’ve never met anyone who has done a complete 180 paradigm shift from who they are. No one had gone from being an alcoholic to being a sober priest. No one has left the projects and become a multi millionaire business owner.

And the evidence is all over the news and media outlets. Even people who become huge music or movie stars aren’t able to leave who they are behind them. For reference think about people like Mike Vick, Kurt Cobain, hip-hop singer Chris Brown, Tupac, Notorious BIG, rapper T.I., Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, and the list goes on and on.

These are people at the top of their game. They have money flowing out of every orifice and yet they still end up in trouble or in jail, or dead. They have thousands of adoring fans and the world at their fingertips. But they cannot let go of who they are inside. Makes me wonder just how far they are from who they were as kids.

Your childhood shapes you. I know a man who is a professional writer. He is good at what he does and he loves the life he’s built for himself. But he’s told me stories of being beat up by bullies at his school. Those events led him to martial arts. He still practices martial arts to this day. And that’s what I mean by events shape who you are. If he hadn’t been bullied would he have gone into martial arts? Would the same need that drove him have even existed? And was the need based on fear of being beat up again, maybe even as an adult? So from this arc of being a scared kid to adult, not much has changed. The feelings of back then forced an alteration, but didn’t change the base reality. He now knows how to take care of himself, but he’s admitted that the fear of being hit or injured is still there. He doesn’t care for sparring for that very reason.

Maybe I’m off on this one a bit, but I don’t think so.

Life after foreclosure

2009-04-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

To those of you still mired in the foreclosure monster of doom, let me give you a word of encouragement from the far side of the tunnel.

The world doesn’t stop spinning because you lose your house.

I know that sounds a bit blunt, but I have to be honest. I went through the whole gamut of emotions that result when you realize that nothing you do will save the place that you are living and most likely consider home. From denial to anger to acceptance, I didn’t skip a single phase. I laughed, I cried, I screamed at the universe about how unfair it all was. I even questioned the sanity of homeownership as an institution. With this many people losing their homes, isn’t it kind of odd that the ultimate expression of ‘making it in America’ has always been purchasing a home?

The oddest aspect of the whole affair was how I was treated by people with whom I shared the truth. I had people who say they care about me shrug and walk away. I also had some wonderfully upbeat people enter my life. My wife and I sweated out many sleepless nights and the stress level became totally unbearable for a while. My average night’s sleep has been between 3.5 to 5 hours per night.

Sometimes a lot less.

I discovered something wonderful though. After calling everyone I could call. After reams of paperwork and loan modifications and strained phone conversations with strangers in different states – when everything seemed at its darkest ebb, I realized that we weren’t our home.

If you remain in one place long enough it becomes an extension of who you are. There’s nothing unusual about this. It extends to all areas of your life. Remember the phrase ‘You are what you eat’? -it’s the same thing with other aspects of life. Humans get used to all kinds of circumstances, situations and collusions. As a species we identify with the people and things that fill our lives. So it’s not a stretch to understand why so many people go through incredible pain and tribulation when it comes time to get a car or home repossessed. As a former tow truck driver I’ve seen firsthand how people act when you try to take things that they consider theirs. These events are often ugly, violent, and extremely human.

But what had to happen in order to keep my sanity and my family together was to realize and act on the fact that even though we loved our little house – ultimately, it’s just a house. A building with walls and windows. A hole in the ground that we throw our money into.

Our HOME is me, my wife, and our children. It also is made up of our true friends, close family and the interactions that make it all work. Our HOME is made of the time we spend together doing things that family does – living, loving, arguing, laughing, crying and growing together.

Should you find yourself in the unfortunate place remember something - you are a happy, loving individual. Probably with a family and friends who care a great deal about you. You probably have co-workers, church brothers and sisters, a mailman and the local 7/11 worker who care about you. (Even the guy or girl in the 7/11 cares more than your mortgage company - trust me). You are not a number on a balance sheet. You are not a statistic to be casually tossed around by some idiot on wall street or in Washington who’s trying to make a point. You won’t die and if you don’t give up and fold over you won’t even be homeless.

Remember to breathe.

And think! Never forget that you are able to work through any adversity so long as you don’t allow your mind to shut down. It’s true that you will lose your bearings from time to time. You will be afraid. You will be angry. Accept them for what they are, emotions responding to a stimulus, and then keep it moving.

You will be okay, trust and believe it.

Peace.

Health

2009-03-19T20:51:00.000-04:00

Health is a funny thing.

When you have it in abundance you don’t think about it. When you are sick it’s the only thing you wish for.

The problem is, since in normal times your health is the last thing on your mind, the inclination is not to do anything about it. Exercise and good nutrition take a back seat to the everyday stresses of life. Daily activities take up time in a way that make something as labor intensive as lifting weights or even going for a walk nearly impossible. It is true that everyone, even the most busy of us are not truly ‘that’ busy, but we manage to make enough excuses that simple exercise and nutrition get ignored.

Or if you are anything like me, it moves beyond disregard into the realm of callous contempt. Not only was I not working out or eating right, I was drinking way too much, sleeping less than 5 hours per night for months at a time, forcing myself to work through pain and injury, and generally treating my body like a 15 dollar whore. And to top it all off, I had a job that I absolutely hated and it showed in my every action and feeling. I hated getting up in the morning to go there, I hated being there and I hated going home each night knowing that I would have to go back.

It got inside and did a number on my mind and naturally my body followed.

Never let anyone tell you that your mind isn’t the most powerful force in the world. If you are convinced in your mind that you are sick, your body WILL agree with you. Stress starts in the mind but if its left unchecked, it will affect your physical body. What started as occasional headaches became overall body pain. That morphed into even less sleep, no dreams when I did sleep, and an increase in the amount of alcohol I was drinking trying to make myself sleep.

Ultimately it culminated in an event that scared the hell out of me.

One day at work, for no reason that I can figure, I experienced an intensely sharp pain in my head above my left eye. When the pain was over and I could see again without it hurting I realized that the entire left side of my body had gone numb. Talk about panic attack city. It lasted for about an hour. I could still move my arm and leg, but I couldn’t feel them. I pinched myself a few times and it was extremely eerie that I couldn’t feel the fingers of my right hand touching the skin on my left arm. It didn’t hurt, it was just numb.

Like I said, about an hour later I got a pins and needles sensation and I realized that I could feel them again. I didn’t tell anyone about it at work. I didn’t say anything about it to my wife until later. I did still go drink with my friends on their back deck. The cold air felt good to me and helped me get my bearings back.

I realize that I probably had a mini stroke. It’s not that I didn’t care, but what was I supposed to do? The doctor was out of the question. I’d recently been to the ER and since we don’t have insurance I wasn’t interested in putting us even more into debt. I am still paying for other medical stuff. Plus, I felt fine now. No loss of motor control, no slurring, no lasting pain or numbness. Personally I think it was a physical reaction to the stress I was feeling at work and my body took the only route it had open to get my attention.

I’ve suffered with panic attacks my whole life. I chalked this up to one hell of a grand mal attack. Later on when things got weird again I did finally go back to the doctor. 6 visits, an MRI, a CAT scan and a barium test later they determined that I have a 2mm aneurism in my brain on the left side behind my eye. Did it cause the pain and numbness? They don’t know. I went to a specialist but he wanted me to have surgery, something that wasn’t going to happen without insurance. So after talking with my regular doctor and doing some reading on my own I realized that I’d just have to live with it and hope that it didn’t get any bigger. I still have weird headaches and this tingling feeling from time to time. It feels a bit like a tight hat sitting over the top of my head, I’ve come to call it ‘helmet head’. It doesn’t hurt, but it feels…strange.

Anyway, I started this blog as a warning to myself and anyone else who reads it. When your health is on the line it’s not a good idea to ignore it. Drinking won’t make it better. Hanging out with people to all hours of the morning won’t make it better. Hating your job and not doing anything about it won’t make it better. Acting like it isn’t helping won’t make it better.

The only choice you have is to realize that you only get one body and you have to take care of it, regardless of how much ‘work’ it takes. Granted, we all live only until we die, but I am of the mind that your time alive should be spent as healthy as possible so that you get the benefit. If you are always sick there’s no fun in that.

And if you are sick through indifference, that’s even worse.

Nuff Said...

2009-03-19T09:59:00.000-04:00