Out of the mouth of Dave

Pin the tail on the house wife....

2012-01-07T11:05:00.001-05:00

As any dog owner can attest, it is possible to know how your pet is feeling by looking at their tail.

For those of you who do not have dogs "Tails" are usually located at the rear end of the dog - that is the end without eyes, and they can range in size from a few inches to several feet.

Body Language based on tail position examples:

Tail Position: Straight out from body. = AGGRESSIVE

Tail Position: Partially lowered. = ANXIOUS

Tail Position: Up.Wagging. = CURIOUS/EAGER/ EXCITED

Tail Position: Wagging vigorously. = HAPPY/PLAYFUL

I'm sure you will agree that this can be a very helpful tool in regards to determining your dog's mood and attitude.

I would like to propose that we consider surgically implanting tails onto women. Speaking as a man who has been in a long term relationship with a female with 3 daughters ,a surgically implanted tail could have saved me much grief and needless arguments.

Women are a more complex species - admit it guys we're not that complicated. Give us cleavage and fatty foods and we're eating out of your hand.

But women are a different breed entirely. A violent hormone induced tsunami lies just beneath the surface, ready to be engulf the next hapless male victim. There is no sign of the impending destruction. On the surface everything seems calm. Perhaps a surgically implanted tail could avert a tragedy and give the man a chance to survive?

These surgically implanted tails could help rebuild the "family unit", reduce the divorce rate,and ultimately save society.

With such a big up side should we not at least consider this option?

Christmas Trees and the PC Police

2011-12-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

"Psst hey buddy - wanna buy a Christmas Tree?"
A shadowy figure beckoned to me from the alleyway. Usually having any interaction with men in alleyways was never a recommended practice - let alone on a dark December night.

"I know you want it" the figure spoke again, and he slowly pulled back his trench coat to reveal the branches of a Christmas Tree.

My heart begin to race, my mouth was dry. The shadowy figure was right. I did want it - I needed to have my own Christmas Tree. I wanted to decorate the tree with shiny baubles and top it all off with an angel. Maybe I would set my model of the Nativity under the tree - but dare I risk attracting the attention of the PC Police?

The PC Police or Politically Correct Police where every where, and they where everyone. During the "Holiday Season" they patrolled the neighborhoods looking for anything that celebrated the birth of Christ.

If they saw any Christmas displays the offenses could range from a ticket for a minor offense - such as wishing someone "Merry Christmas" up to jail time for what was deemed - "offensive public display of Christmas themed items". These where things like Christmas Trees and Nativity Scenes.

The PC Police would prefer that there where no Christmas displays at all, but if you did fell the need to decorate you where "strongly advised" to provide a "religiously neutral display" using items such as Frosty the Snowman or the Coca-Cola Polar Bears.

I knew I was flirting with the possibility of some time in the slammer, the big house, or the clink if I was caught with a Christmas Tree I laughed to myself,this could turn out to be most memorable Christmas ever.

I took a few more steps into the alleyway. The air in here smelled like Evergreen trees and memories.

I could make out the man in the trench coat now - his eyes where darting nervously over my shoulder looking for the PC Police - maybe he thought I was an undercover officer.

"Merry Christmas" I said.

The man in the trench coat relaxed visibly - no member of the PC Police would ever utter the words "Merry Christmas" He knew he would not get caught tonight.

"Merry Christmas to you too" he replied.

He pulled back his trench coat to fully reveal a beautiful Douglas Fir tree.

"See anything you like?" he said with a grin.

Unable to speak I found myself stammering - "how how how how much is it?"

"$350" the man replied

I dug into my wallet and thrust the money at the man.

I was frantic, I grabbed the Christmas Tree and shoved it under my coat. Shuffling uncomfortably out of the alley I made my way back to my house.

I would decorate the tree tonight and invite all my friends over. Together we would sing Christmas Carols and wish each other a Merry Christmas - PC Police be damned!

This site is OCCUPIED!

2011-12-14T16:37:00.000-05:00

The occupy movement has packed up their tents and gone back to sleeping in their parents' basement. Has anything even changed as a result of their actions? The simple answer is no!

I think the "occupiers" could have achieved great things if they had only picked the right spot for their protest movement. Instead they picked locations that looked good on TV such as Wall Street. Other then a few day traders needing delousing and the odd tetanus shot, none of the 1% was inconvenienced in any fashion.

I propose that to get results, the occupiers should not have camped out on Wall Street but rather they should have "occupied" every washroom in New York.

If you've ever been outside a locked bathroom door - legs crossed, buttocks clenched, your face drenched with sweat - praying frantically to whatever God you hold dear - you understand how effective this technique could have been.

The nightly news would be full of images of the rich and powerful shifting uncomfortably from side to side in front of a locked bathroom door. Marijuana smoke would leak out the edges of the door as the occupiers enjoyed a bong. While a shot of the New York socialite would show the rising levels of panic and fear in their eyes.

As the news cameras continued to film, voices would be raised,and sphincters would get clenched even tighter. On every news network in the country the rich and powerful of New York would be seen begging and pleading for mercy.

Sure there are likely to be casualties from this new occupy movement but nothing that a trip to the dry cleaners could not fix.

How motivated would you be to negotiate,if you came across a locked bathroom door just as you felt that unmistakeable stirring in your bowels?

Is Santa Claus a bad example???

2011-12-01T18:56:00.000-05:00

There was a recent post in the British Medical Journal that blamed Santa Claus for the rise in childhood obesity, smoking, drinking etc. I have included the link below if you want to read more about it or you think I'm making this up.
Santa Claus - setting a bad example

Santa has an extremely stressful job so one can only expect that jolly old St. Nick would need to blow off some steam now and again. So he eats a diet high in sugar and saturated fats is that so wrong? Few among us have not also succumbed to the very same thing during a late night snack attack.

Santa has not had any Charlie Sheen inspired parties for years now - ever since Mrs Claus entered the picture. Charlie Sheen style parties always seem to involve a smorgasbord of pharmaceuticals and an assortment of some of the adult film industries best talent(?)

Santa has never been a football coach with an unnatural obsession with his quarterback's sack.

Santa was kissing Mommy under the mistletoe not little Billy. Cut Saint Nick and his high fat diet some slack - it could be much worse.

Why Jesus Christ does not have an I Phone...

2011-11-13T12:09:00.000-05:00

I saw Jesus the other day and he was furious. I don't think I've ever seen him this angry. Even all the sodomizing that the Vatican did never evoked this type of response.

"That's it I've F*##@#* had it with that Steve Jobs jackass"
Jesus' outburst caused several patrons in the cafe to cast disapproving glances at the son of God.

"Ever since he died I've heard nothing else but Steve Jobs this, IPhone that - even Dad is saying that Steve would have done a better job than me. But this is the last f*#@$% straw"

With that Jesus thrust a newspaper article under my nose.
"Read it!" He roared.

It was an article from the Los Angeles Times, the headline seemed to leap off the page.

Steve Jobs conducting miracles in suburban basement.

The article went on to explain how after a flood in his basement, homeowner Charles Gonzalez found the image of former Apple founder Steve Jobs in a water stain on the wall.
"I didn't think anything of it when I first saw it" Gonzalez explains "But all that changed after my wife Maria saw the image. She stroked the stain gently with her fingers and then placed her hands on her stomach. I wouldn't believe it if I did not see it for myself."

A paragraph followed about how the Gonzalez family had been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a baby. Doctors had recently stated that Maria could not have kids of her own as her ovaries where much too scarred to produce any viable eggs.

"Have you got to the part about the baby yet?" Jesus demanded

I shook my head at the son of God and continued to read...

I came to the part Jesus was talking about - it seems that after touching the water stained image of Steve Jobs and then touching her belly - a miracle had occurred. Maria's ovaries had healed and 9 months after touching the water stain in their basement, Charles and Maria Gonzalez where parents to a healthy baby boy.
"We're calling him IPod in honor of Steve Jobs and for all he did for us" Charles explained.

Soon after word of the miracle in their basement got out, the Gonzalez home was inundated with prospective parents paying for the opportunity to touch the water stained image in the hopes that they too would become pregnant.

"They called the damn kid Ipod" Jesus said "What kind of name is that? And that f#@%&*! Steve Jobs is conducting miracles from beyond the grave? What the hell is next? I'm gonna find myself out of a job if Dad gets word of this"

I looked at the son of God and shrugged my shoulders - there was nothing I could say that would reassure him. It would seem that the mythical powers of Steve Jobs know no boundaries and Jesus - the quintessential miracle worker could soon be looking for another line of work.

How the Horn of Africa is helping save a Hollywood salon from destruction.

2011-08-23T10:45:00.000-04:00

It truly is amazing what can happen when people band together for a common cause. This was clearly seen this past weekend in regards to the threatened closure of one of Hollywood's most famous salons.

The salon -(which will remain nameless for legal reasons) is going to be destroyed so the city of LA could put up a multi-storied parking garage. The hue and cry from the people on Hollywood's A list about the prospect of losing their favorite salon was tremendous.

Only a few minutes after the LA city council made their decision, a daytime soap star sent an email about the anticipated destruction of their beloved salon to a few of her close friends. In the email she asked that everyone show solidarity and support by having a hunger strike until the salon was saved from the wrecking ball.

Thanks to the wonder(?) of the internet the soap star's email made it's way to the Horn of Africa where she found a group of people that were only too eager to take up the hunger strike cause if it meant saving a salon in Hollywood.

At last count over 10,000 people in Africa have made the ultimate sacrifice by dieing for their cause. Unfortunately none of Hollywood's celebrities have the same "stick-to-it-iveness" as the people of Africa.

The LA city council has not reversed their decision to destroy the salon. Even the LA City council and their grade school geography know that the people in Africa will not be voting in the next LA municipal elections. The destruction of the salon is still on. You can help by forwarded this article to people on your mailing list - help save the salon and spread the word.

Crazy Christians Copy Crucified Christ

2011-04-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

Today is Good Friday and for the great mass of unwashed heathens, or Muslim readers who frequent this blog let me explain the significance of this day. Good Friday as the people at Wikipedia explain it as "a religious holiday observed primarily by Christians commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and his death at Calvary."

Well some current fans of Jesus take this opportunity every year to reenact the crucifixion of Jesus. People actually line up for the opportunity to have spikes driven through their hands and to be suspended from a cross. Don't believe me read about it here - go on I'll wait.....Kooky Crazy Christians Copy Crucified Christ

See - crazy eh? Well one thing the article did not tell you was that this years crucifixion festival(?) has a new corporate sponsor. Home Depot will no longer be sponsoring the nailing of people to the cross. This years festival is sponsored by the US Government.

Yup Obama and his band of merry men have provided the monies needed to run this years crucifixion ceremony. They have also been kind enough to provide several busloads of excess Iraqi and Afghan prisoners to practice on. Bless their hearts. Abu Grahib must be getting full....

Now the crazed Christians have all the nasty, stinking, dirty, heathen, enemy combatants to practice their crucifixion skills on. This years festival is sure to be a smash hit thanks to the good old US of A.

RIP- Money For Nothing 1985 -2011

2011-01-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that this is happening in 2011 but the "geniuses" at The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council have banned all Canadian Radio stations from playing the Dire Straits mega hit - Money For Nothing. They claim a listener was offended by the use of the term "faggot" in the song.

Money for Nothing for those who may not be aware was released in 1985 and was an international hit for Dire Straits.

I guess if one international mega hit can be banned from the airwaves by the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council there are sure to be others to follow.

I have included a list of major rock hits that I have deemed offensive to certain segments of the population. I propose that everyone write into the CBSC with their own suggestion of a mega hit that needs to be banished from the airwaves.

If we write thousands of letters the CBSC will be forced to pull thousands of songs off the radio due to listener complaints. Once they purge the airwaves of any offensive mega hits, listening to the radio will mean listening to large blocks of silence followed by a 30 second spot for "Bob's Used Cars".

For those of you who want to contact the ivory tower residing troglodytes you can do so here:

Address: Canadian Broadcast Standards Council
P.O. Box 3265, Station D
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
K1P 6H8
Telephone: 613-233-4607 or toll free at 866-696-4718

Email Address: Email CBSC

Without Further Ado I present:

Dave's list of Offensive Mega Hits

Stairway to Heaven -(Led Zeppelin) offensive to Atheists and Satanists alike.

Lolo - (The Kinks) - offends anyone not comfortable with the idea of picking up a "Tranny" in a bar - come on people live a little....

Hotel California - (The Eagles) - offensive to stock holders in major hotel chains such as The Hilton and Motel 6

Sympathy for the Devil - ( The Rolling Stones) - Offends most organized religions with the exception of your local Satanist Chapter.

Jump - (Van Halen)- considered offensive by both paraplegics and quadriplegics.

Brittney Spears - offends everyone.

Did I miss any?

From the Christmas Vault

2010-12-22T12:46:00.000-05:00

With the appearance of both Jesus and Santa Claus likely to occur in a matter of days. I wanted to dredge out a few Christmas themed posts from the archives for you to enjoy.

The first link is to the story behind the "Nativity Story"

The Real Nativity Story

And the other link is to an old standby here at Out of the Mouth of Dave it's a cherry little cartoon I drew a few years ago in an attempt to capture the holiday season.

King of the Elves

Enjoy all the holiday has to offer and be sure to wish those Politically Correct bastards out there a Merry Christmas!

-Dave

Sir Bob Geldof and the Haitian Refugees

2010-12-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

2010 has been a tough year for most people but none more that the poor downtrodden Hollywood Celebrity.

A few of the more notable "celebrities" to move into the proverbial poorhouse are as follows:

Nicolas Cage - $6 Million in unpaid taxes, recently filed for bankruptcy

Pamela Anderson - her and her breasts have over $500,000 in unpaid taxes

MC Hammer - over $13 Million in debts and filed for bankruptcy

Mike Tyson - $13.4 Million in unpaid taxes

Willie Nelson - $16.7 Million in unpaid taxes

The list goes on and on....

So what can we do about the food stamp reliant celebrity?

Sir Bob Geldof, the man behind Band Aid, Live Aid and Live 8 is back with yet another money raising show. This one is called Oscar Aid

I think this time Sir Bob has pulled off a masterful public relations stunt.

The show will happen Jan 1 - the pinnacle of the holiday/ festive season. A time when people are still pretending to care about their fellow man and are apt to dig deep for the chance to help some of Hollywood's most famous people.

The true piece of Sir Bob's genius is the fact that the featured choir at the festival will be made up solely of Cholera infected Haitian refugees.

That's right the children whose parents where mashed and mangled in the 2010 Haiti Earthquake are back to sing for celebrities and deep pocketed donors.

I've had a chance to see a promotional video that Sir Bob sent out and I can tell you that when you see the Haitian refugee children standing under the lights, their distended bellies moving and swaying to the beat, you too will feel compelled to grab your VISA card and call the operators who are standing by.

It would seem that the recent cholera outbreak in Haiti had more side effects than just watery diarrhea and vomiting. That group of cholera ridden refugees standing on the stage sing like angels.

Sir Bob is even talking about taking the refugees on the road. Crossing the country to raise money for celebrities who are forced to wear "off the rack" clothes. The concert will surely leave a trail of happy concert goers and fresh cholera infestations in it's wake.

TSA "Fantasy" patdowns coming soon.

2010-11-18T10:01:00.001-05:00

I'm sure by now everyone is aware of the whole TSA screening debacle. Let me summarize for those who are not- Minimum wage TSA employees have been accused of groping travelers. Running their hands over women's breasts and touching male travelers "junk". All this press has had a negative impact on the TSA and put a bad taste in the air travelers mouth.

Late night talk show hosts now joke about going to the airport for a "quickie". The TSA should take the bull by the proverbial horns and mine this publicity goldmine for all it's worth.

I propose that the TSA hire celebrity look a likes to pat down air travelers. What woman would refuse to have Johnny Depp run his hands over her breasts? and what man is going to refuse having Pamela Anderson touch his junk? Exactly, none!

The setup would be similar to what you see in brothels. Upon entering the security area there would be a line up of candidates to pat you down. A smorgasbord or buffet if you please.

The women, and even some of the men I suppose, could choose to be patted down/ groped by Brad Pitt, or George Clooney and there would always be a seething , teeming mass of teenage girls for the Justin Bieber look a like.

For the men, the line up for the large breasted, mini skirt wearing schoolgirl, would always be a long one regardless of when you fly. But if you plan your itinerary correctly, it could be possible to get your junk groped by a Kim Kardashian or Scarlet Johnannsen look a like prior to departing for that important sales meeting or family reunion.

There of course would be no additional fee for this service as it is already included in your exorbitant ticket price.

I guess it's possible that more people may start flying, and the line ups would get even longer at the airport. And I suppose you may also have those people who deliberately have contraband taped to their body in the hopes that they will be pulled over for a more "intimate session" with their fantasy TSA agent.

Oh and for all our Muslim friends, the TSA has applied a liberal dose of irony. If you are a member of the Muslim faith the TSA has deemed it appropriate that you are groped by Salman Rushdie.

This certainly looks like it will be a very interesting holiday travel season.

The Good News behind Childhood Obesity

2010-10-17T09:36:00.001-04:00

People say that every cloud has a silver lining and the gray cloud of rising childhood obesity is no exception. How can an increase in number of obese children have any positive impact at all? Allow me to explain.

The spike in childhood obesity is due to the fact that kids today are much more sedentary than previous generations. Kids now play video games instead of road hockey, they spend their days "tweeting" and "Facebooking" instead of building tree forts and playing "Cowboys and Native American Casino Owners".

Of course this sedentary lifestyle means that our kids are packing on the pounds especially when you add in the high fat, high sugar snack foods they gorge on during their all night sessions of World of Warcraft.

So with all this going on where the hell is the silver lining?

Well you see it's quite simple really - Pedophiles don't like fat kids!

A controversial Vatican based research program studied the habits of pedophiles and found out that the vast majority of pedophiles do not find pudgy, portly, obese children attractive at all.

This ground breaking research study shows that pedophiles are not much different than ourselves - other than the fact they have sex with children - but pedophiles like a partner who takes care of themselves and hasn't gone to pot with love handles and beer bellies at the age of twelve.

What is today's parent supposed to do with this information? Should they continue to keep their children safe inside away from pedophiles and have them gorge on Cheetos knowing that childhood diabetes is not far away? Or should they throw out the X boxes and video games and force their children play outside at the mercy of the roving gangs of pedophiles?

Playing outside sounds crazy but kids used to do it years ago. My suggestion is to throw out the X Boxes and video games. To protect their children against pedophiles they can simply not have their children go anywhere near any of the following;
Priests, Sport Coaches, Cub Scout Leaders, Barbers, Butchers, Candlestick makers....

Oh yeah as a final safety measure any truly loving parent should buy their children a Glock 9. Nothing says "I Love you" like a handgun.

Hello there

2010-06-19T19:49:00.000-04:00

I wanted to make a quick post to let everyone know that I am taking a bit of a break from blogging. Real Life has a tendancy of coming along and shaking you by the scruff of the neck. And that is exacetly what has happened at my end. Rest assured I will be back poking fun at the crazy world we live in. In the meantime take a look through the archives - there is gold in there.

- Dave

Justin Bieber fights the Forces of Evil

2010-05-09T10:03:00.000-04:00

The PC Nazis have been the forces behind successful campaigns like putting Parental Advisory stickers on music CD's. Our world now is a much safer place as a result of those advisory stickers, well that and George Bush finding Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction - cough - cough

Hang on a minute. Advisory Stickers on CD's - that is what the PC Nazis have given us? CD's pshaw! Who still buys those old things? Everyone knows that gangstas with any street cred at all do not buy their CD's at yo' momma's Walmart. They will happily violate copyright laws as much as possible through the downloading of music via the Internet.

If you listen to the PC Nazis, they will tell you that the new soundtrack for street gangs is wholesome musical acts such as Justin Bieber and The Jonas Brothers as opposed to N.W.A. or Fiddy( 50)Cent. Yes those bland cookie cutter pop stars with their upbeat music and polished images, will help the dysfunctional and disinterested youth of today find purpose and repress their feelings of rage and inadequacy.

Incidentally my friends on the Police Force have not noticed any improvements in the relationship between the Police and the "gangbangers" since parental advisory stickers started appearing on CD's.

Police working in the Street Crime division for large cities like LA or NYC have started a pilot project where they play the music (?) of Justin Bieber through megaphones while they patrol the dangerous streets at night.

The results have been surprising to say the least as LAPD Officer Paul Chapman states "The other night my partner and I where patrolling the lower east side, a notoriously dangerous section of town, we had Bieber playing through a megaphone and I actually saw a group of street thugs stop stabbing a homeless person as we drove up. The hoodlums put down their knives and where gripped with "Bieber Fever". They sang and danced until our patrol car drove past them and the music faded away. I took a look in the rearview mirror and I could see the gangbangers stabbing the homeless person again. For one short glorious moment the music of Justin Bieber was able to vanquish the forces of evil and stop another senseless act of violence"

It would seem based on these results that Bieber Fever could be a powerful tool in the fight against evil. A tool that I am confident to say will soon be used by both law enforcement agencies, and several branches of the Military.

Never mind more Bunker Busters - we need Uncle Sam to pump some Justin Bieber into the caves of Afghanistan - Hey Osama - are you strong enough to resist Bieber Fever?

To Catch a Predator - the Vatican Edition

2010-04-24T08:47:00.000-04:00

Every time we turn on the TV we are hearing about yet another pedophilic incident involving the Vatican and a violated altar boy. Well it's not going to be getting better any time soon for the old men in their Ivory Towers at the Vatican. Dateline NBC has released news that their vigilante reality show To Catch a Predator has just finished filming a special Vatican City edition.

To Catch a Predator is of course the Dateline NBC reality show where we see "respected members of society" caught in an undercover, underage, sex sting all live and in living color streamed to our living rooms. Television certainly has come a long way from the early days and "Leave it to Beaver" but I digress.

I've had the opportunity to see the Vatican Special and I for one found it quite enlightening.

It was mentioned several times in the show that the Holy Father had an "unholy" and unnatural attraction to former Calvin Klein underwear model Mark Wahlberg. This attraction seems to be more than just tabloid fodder when the NBC cameras focus on an autographed picture of the former model sitting on the bedside table.
It says:
Good God Holy Father you rocked!! - Mark W

I bet Jesus was rolling over in his grave when he say that photo....

The television crew certainly where busy during their stay at the Vatican. In the little time they spent trolling the seedy underbelly of Vatican City they where able to catch an Archbishop, 2 Cardinals and 14 Priests. They said it was like shooting fish in a barrel,or clubbing baby seals on an ice floe.

I did learn one interesting fact during the NBC Special. It seems that that US Department of Justice -the people responsible for the Witness Protection Program will be joining forces with the Vatican.

The Vatican has been so successful when it comes to hiding and relocating pedophile priests that the Department of Justice feels it can use the same practices and processes when it comes to protecting high level informants like Mickey “The Worm” Costelle and Osama Bin Laden

We certainly live in interesting times.....

PC Nazis to take over the world.

2010-04-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

Retarded, Stupid and Ugly. Thanks to the Political Correctness Nazis these terms are now considered "offensive" or "degrading" to people who may in fact be - retarded, stupid or ugly.

The PC Nazis will launch campaigns where they implore us to stop using these hurtful phrases, and like the good lemmings we are, these words will soon drop from our vocabulary and dictionary's.

The PC Nazis have given us some scenarios that will help us learn the proper usage of the new PC language. The scenarios are included below.

The Wilson boy down the street is no longer a "retard" even though he eats paste and soils himself on a regular basis - he should now be referred to as a "candidate for political office"

Creepy Mr Wilson is no longer a "Pederast" or "registered sex offender" - but should be referred to as a "respected member of the clergy" or "Holy Father"

People who engage in jihads or campaigns of terror should not be defined with uncomplimentary terms like "Terrorist" or "Jihadist" but should be addressed with the proper terminology - "Former President Bush" and/or "Vice President Cheney"

There will be no more "ugly" or "deformed" people - people will be simply be "in a state of pre-cosmetic surgery"

Thanks to the "PC Nazis" soon there will be no more "stupid people" or "losers". Every child will win every race, and pass every test. The sun will always be shining and the lambs will frolic carefree in the meadows.

Oh what a glorious day that will be. Nobody is different and everybody is a winner. We must embrace the coming of our bland homogeneous world.

It's safe to remove your brains citizens of earth, we won't be needing them anymore....

Jesus is back from the archives

2010-04-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

I had tried to get a new post together for the Easter season but kicking heroin is much harder than I thought and I find that I am unable to complete full sentences at the moment - ack blurb duseldorf!

Today's post is dredged from the archives and it deals with the story of Jesus Christ and his love for chocolate eggs.

So sit back, relax and enjoy.

I was having coffee with Jesus the other day at a local cafe - I'm sure you've heard of Jesus , he's the guy whose claim to fame is being the son of God and being able to change water into wine. The whole "son of God thing" can be a bit of a curse Jesus explained to me as he sipped at his non fat soy latte- he in fact compared being the son of God to Paris Hilton being born into the family of Hotel royalty. "You enter into a life of entitlement and open doors because of your family tree. At no time are you given the opportunity to encounter anything remotely "unpleasant". That is why this whole crucifixion episode hurt so much" - Jesus explained wiping a tear from his eye with the corner of his sleeve.

Jesus was a little distressed at how we are celebrating his death and subsequent resurrection during the "Easter" season. He was going on at one point about how he spent 3 days in a dark , dank and musty tomb and how he developed a severe case of both claustrophobia and foot rot. At no time when he was in the tomb did he encounter any rabbits,chocolate eggs or "door crasher specials". He emphasized this point by pounding on the table, which caused his latte to splash onto his robe.

At this point in the conversation an old lady nervously approached our table and gazed upon Jesus. I had seen that look before when I took my daughter to the Jonas Brothers concert last month. This was look of a hard core Jesus fan.

Jesus stopped in mid sentence and turned to the old lady - she seemed to glow when his eyes turned to her. She said nothing but thrust a Sharpie and a notepad at him.

"And to whom shall I make it out to?" Jesus said

The poor old lady was barely able to get out a response "Marilyn" she squeaked.

"To Marilyn - Peace be with you signed JC" - Jesus scrawled on the notepad. He put the cover on the Sharpie and handed them both back to the woman.

She grabbed the notepad and pen and clutched them to her breast - her eyes burning with a renewed religious fervor - "Bless you, oh bless you " she muttered as she turned and walked back into the city.

"You'll probably find that on EBay within the hour" Jesus said shaking his head sadly.

Wiping the latte froth from his mouth the son of God started to talk again about Easter.

"It was by far the toughest part of my life bar none. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies. The whole resurrection bit caused me back problems that plagued me for years after. Lift with your legs not your back - if I knew that when I tried to roll that stone away from the entrance to the tomb, I'd have never developed my addiction to over the counter pain medication"

The conversation was suddenly interrupted with a heavenly chorus of angels.

Jesus reached into his robes and pulled out his Blackberry - pushing a button on the Blackberry the choir of angels stopped. The son of God glanced down at the screen;

"Excuse me I have to get this it's God calling" he said "he wants me to get some of those Chocolate eggs while I'm here. The old man likes those eggs and they only come out once a year. That's really the only reason why I make the trip back to earth in the first place."

With that Jesus drained his latte, shook my hand and wished me well.He promised he would stay in touch. Getting up from the table he strode out of the cafe on his quest for Chocolate Eggs, a man with a purpose.

Amen

Child Labor - coming soon to an office near you

2010-03-27T09:04:00.000-04:00

When people talk about child labor I summon up the image of 8 year olds, toiling for a large athletic footwear corporation and getting paid a crust of bread for a days wages.

The media has always shown child labor as a phenomenon that happens in the dark corners of impoverished nations such as Gambia or India. So you can imagine my surprise when I realized recently that the company I work for does in fact participate in the hiring of children.

I work in an industry that employs thousands of people worldwide and generates billions in dollars in revenue each year. Little of this revenue actually gets paid out to the peons or worker bees like myself toiling away anonymously in the dark.

I can only imagine it was the corporate desire for more revenue that made HR collectively turn their heads when the first 8 year old submitted their resume.

When I finally left grade school I thought that my days of dealing with snotty nosed,whiny malcontents was finally over but alas I can see that is not the case.

Whiny children have become part of the culture of the modern international corporation. Management sees the hiring of children as a "win - win" The company saves money and parents don't have to worry about day care.

How can you tell if your company is hiring children? Look for these signs

1. The Smoking Area has be made into a sandbox

2. The entire building has been "baby proofed"

3. There will be a higher number of employee temper tantrums

4. Mandatory Nap Time

5. Designated parking spots for Tricycles

Don't say I did not warn you - children are becoming a larger part of corporate culture.

One thing to remember is that large corporations will give whiny children anything they want. It's the same tactic that parents have used for decades now- "Finish the quarterly budget report and you can have some ice cream"

-sigh

Sticky Gas Pedals ensure Victory for Toyota

2010-03-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

The news about the Toyota recall was everywhere. Here was one of the largest automobile manufacturers in the world being forced to recall millions of cars, as a result of mechanical failures like stuck accelerator pedals.

For a brand that has marketed itself on the safety and reliability of their vehicles could this recall spell the end for yet another of the worlds auto makers?

As unlikely as it seems, the worldwide recall of Toyota's due to sticking accelerators pedals has been a welcome bit of news for one department of the manufacturing behemoth.

The department - TOYOTA MOTORSPORTS. Their mandate is simple - drive fast and win races! You can find Toyota Motorsports on the NASCAR and F1 circuit.

In a recent interview a Toyota Motorsports crew chief was reported as saying "the stuck accelerator pedals could be a huge bonus for us this racing season."

"Our drivers always try to push their cars to the limit, with the stuck gas pedals we gain an important advantage over our competitors. We don't have to worry about losing any speed in the corners. We can rest easy knowing that the car will be going flat out even if the driver would prefer to drive a little slower"

Experts agree that this could very well be the year that Toyota gets the checkered flag.

For any Toyota owners out there here is some advice- get your ride race ready - get rid of the back seat, install a roll bar and fire extinguisher. Get a helmet and head out to the track.

As the head of Toyota Motorsports said recently:

"We need to embrace this dangerous mechanical malfunction not vilify it. It is only through our shoddy engineering that we will find victory at the track"

"An Intelligent Celebrity" or Sasquatch - which is real?

2010-03-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well the marketing gurus over at Fleechem Uncouth Cockman and Knight are back with another campaign that will have the public eating out of their hands.

Fleecem Uncouth Cockman and Knight (now on referred to as FUCK) was the marketing firm that George Bush and his cronies used for the infamous "Weapons of Mass Destruction" campaign. The WMD campaign was seen by marketing experts as "groundbreaking" and "industry changing".

The success of the campaign was that where never any actual WMD found, but the public still bought into the concept hook line and sinker. A brilliant example of hornswoggling the public that will be referred to in marketing textbooks for years to come.

It's been a few years since their proverbial home run but FUCK is back with a campaign that will rock the very foundations of the society we live in.

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to present the latest FUCK marketing campaign - "The Intelligent Celebrity"

Celebrities up to this point where only recognized for a few things.

If you are a male celebrity it would be your rock hard abs and chiseled jaw, and as a female it would be the size and quality of your boob job, or the latest candid crotch shot.

Now those marketing geniuses are going to convince us that we actually want to know what celebrities think. How celebrities feel about the issues that effect our lives. You know the issues - "How to lose 50 pounds in time for your leading role" and "How designer perfume is changing lives for people everywhere"

When the marketing campaign gets under way we can expect to see celebrities pedaled out on the evening news and give their opinion on current events so we, the great unwashed masses, can benefit from their wisdom(?)

Oh look tonight at 6:00 - "Paris Hilton talks about the crisis in Haiti"

Now that's hot!

HGH, Steroids and the modern Olympic Games

2010-02-27T09:14:00.000-05:00

Unless you have been living in a cave with Osama, you are aware that the greatest sporting event ever has been running for the past two weeks in Vancouver Canada. I'm speaking of course about the Olympic Games.

The very phrase " The Olympic Games" summons up an image of athletes competing fairly and honorably for the "glory of the game" Um not so fast. That may have been true during the time of your Grandfather's Olympics but nothing could be farther from the truth in regards to the modern Olympic Games

Today's Olympic athletes do not focus on "fair play". They focus their energies on masking any performance enhancing drugs they currently have in their system. Every Olympic Games we hear stories about an athlete who lost their gold medal as a result of a failed urine test. The athletes cheat - there is too much money involved for them not too. Remember Marion Jones?

We cannot expect Steroids and Human Growth Hormones to not be used anymore in the Olympics, just like we cannot expect any major league baseball player to not be "On the juice". Performance enhancing drugs is one genie that is not going back into any bottle anytime soon.

So if you can't beat them join them. I propose that we throw out any notion of drug testing at the Olympic Games. Assume the athletes are doped up and let the games begin.

Just think how exciting those games would be. Athletes pumped full of HGH and steroids would be shattering records left, right, and center. The television ratings would be through the roof and the corporate sponsors could rake in even more obscene amounts of money.

Yeah I think an Olympic Games that encourages performance enhancing drugs for the athletes could work very well. Think how exciting every event will be when athletes learn how to harness their "roid rage"

Tiger Woods and his latest product endorsement.

2010-02-19T10:11:00.000-05:00

Tiger Woods has a press conference scheduled for today, and the entire world is a buzz with the possibilities of what he might say in his first appearance since his infamous martial "indiscretions" became fodder for the tabloids.

Thanks largely to some of our contacts in the golfing industry we are able to provide to you an overview of the expected content at the Tiger Woods press conference. Some of the media are thinking that Tiger will use this opportunity to publicly apologize for his many indiscretions but that is not the information we have.

We are receiving word that Tiger Woods will use his press conference to launch an exciting new product.

This product is one that Tiger Woods himself uses - one that he can stand behind and endorse honestly and truthfully. And let's face it Truth and Honesty are two values that Tiger Woods needs to be associated with now more than ever if he wants to rebuild his image in the eyes of the public.

Our sources are telling us this product takes advantage of the Energy Drink craze that is sweeping the nation and gives it another twist.

The product is a carbonated energy drink that the manufactures claim will increase both your energy and your libido.

With a patented blend of 11 herbs and spices TIGER BOMB manufactures claim that "pulling an all nighter" is now possible for all men over the age of 18.

Now we can all live like the celebrities we admire.

Who knew using a product endorsed by a celebrity could destroy our marriages and hurt those we love?

NY City Homeless Man talk of the town in Darfur

2010-01-31T13:06:00.000-05:00

Peoples lifestyles have certainly taken a turn for the worse thanks to the economic crisis we find ourselves in. Husbands have cut back on extramarital affairs,mothers have resorted to feeding their children home cooked meals, and kids are forced to watch basic cable.

There is some good news that has come out of the financial meltdown, the experience of Stephen Dirby - a former New York City homeless person who now finds himself the major of a small village in Darfur.

When I talked to Stephen he explained that the life of a homeless person in NY City was not an easy lifestyle. He had spent several years on the streets of the Big Apple. Everyday you could find him picking up cigarette butts, or rummaging through the trash in the hopes of finding anything edible. As a career move, being a NY City homeless person was a dead end.

"It was after I drank a particular potent batch of potato wine that I got the idea on how I could better my life" Stephen explained to me. "I needed a fresh start, a new approach to life and better yet a new location to try to scrape out a living"

He talks about stowing away aboard a humanitarian relief flight to Darfur. He hid his shopping cart amongst the many bags of rice that where packed into the cargo hold of the military plane.

"When I finally got to Darfur - I was greeted like a hero. People there had never seen a shopping cart and assumed that I was an influential member of NY upper society. I only had a shopping cart, some cardboard boxes an old Sony Walkman circa 1984, but to these people I was now the richest person in the village."

Being the richest person in a village in Darfur certainly had some privileges for Stephen. The villagers gave him the best house in the city - complete with walls and most of the roof. He is first in line for his typhoid shot, and he tells me that the villagers have recently appointed him mayor.

"I never would have thought that all this would come from stowing away on a plane. Back in North America I was homeless, destitute and forced to rely on the wasteful habits of consumers just to survive. Here I have so much more than other members of the village."

A Shopping Cart, cardboard boxes and an old Sony Walkman circa 1984 - all that and you too can be the major of a small town in Darfur.

"Test Tube Celebrity" - the latest craze from Tinseltown

2010-01-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

It seems that everyone who considers themselves a celebrity now a days, has their own perfume or clothing line. Well the line of products stamped "Star Approved" has just increased thanks to some innovative and savvy celebrity surgeons.

The founding surgeons of an exclusive Beverly Hills clinic have come up with a new way for diehard fans to get even closer to their celebrity idols with an exciting new product line called "Test Tube Celebrity"

Dr. Wii Hackem - the founder of this new product line is only to happy to explain;

"At our exclusive clinic we deal with a lot of celebrity clients. Clients who come in for some liposuction, botox injections or face lifts. My partners and I noticed that when we complete any surgical procedure we have left over materials - These materials can be a few pounds of fat that we suctioned off Kristi Alley's thighs, or it could even be a flap of excess skin we removed from Joan River's neck."

With Celebrity Watching having become so wide spread in today's culture, these Doctors found themselves sitting on a virtual goldmine.

Thanks to "Test Tube Celebrity" people like you or I can now own their very own piece of a Hollywood Celebrity.

Dr Hackem goes on to explain;

"The fat that we vacuumed off David Hasselhoff last week, is packaged in a limited edition Swarovski crystal test tube that fans of the Hoff can now purchase with their credit card through our website. When you display the Swarvoski test tube we guarantee that all of your friends will be green with envy over your piece of a Hollywood celebrity. When you purchase Test Tube Celebrity you will also receive a signed picture from the celebrity who was the former host to the fat cells that you now have on display in your living room."

"The law of supply and demand keeps prices high" The good doctor laughs, "Celebrities that have let themselves go, such as Kristie Alley or Roseanne Barr, will of course have lots of fat to be vacuumed off to sell - this keeps the price for their fat cells much lower then someone like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen who we rarely see in our clinic"

Test Tube Celebrity - now that is a product that I'm sure everyone can be excited about. Men will scratch and claw at each other just to be the first on the block to have the Pamela Anderson Test Tube Celebrity - while women will scour the clinic's shelves non stop looking for any remnant of Tom Jones.

The Smart Phone breaks news ground with latest app.

2010-01-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

The article was hidden at the bottom of the page, near the back of the latest edition of the Scientific Armenian. Nestled between the ads for a "Cozy home in Detroit overlooking the smelters" and an itinerary for the latest Nadia "Octomom" Suleman autograph signing tour, was an article that introduced a groundbreaking new app for the Smart Phone.

For those of you who have not had the opportunity to read the article I have included it here:

Man's love affair with their smart phones has taken a strange, but not unexpected turn, with the introduction of the latest app available now at the app store. The app has simply been called "The Vagina" by the small southern California company that developed it. We where able to talk to the CEO of "Drillin'", Richard N.Orbs who was only to happy to extol the virtues of the "Vagina App"

"Men are using their Smart Phones for more and more aspects of their lives. Sending emails, texting friends, surfing the web, listening to music, the list goes on and on. The Smart Phone has become an indispensable tool in the modern male's toolbox."

"But even with great advancements in Smart Phone technology in the past few years," Richard continues, "there are still some areas of the modern man's life where the Smart Phone has yet to make in roads. The first of these areas is the bedroom - or sexual intercourse if I have to explain it. Smart Phones had no connection to sex for men at all. With Drillin's new Vagina app we believe that we have finally blown the doors wide open for Smart Phone users. At the risk of offending any Star Trek fans - Space is not the final frontier for the Smart Phone - the vagina is. With the introduction of the "Vagina App" it now allows the Smart Phones to be integrated into all aspects of the modern man's life."

The "Vagina App" takes advantage of the touch screens that the newest Smart Phones offer. It is now possible for men to simulate having sex with a digitally rendered vagina using either the handy stylus or any other appendage.

CEO Richard N. Orbs states that "We believe that we have brought the vagina closer to thousands of Trekkies, Comic book collectors and C++ programmers everywhere."

The verdict is still out on the application though. Men that we talked too - who admitted to using the application, state that "the application will never truly take off until the public become comfortable with the sight of sweaty - bug eyed men, jabbing at digital vaginas while they commute to work on the subway"

One small step for man......

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