Two weekends ago was Eli’s first birthday. From even the night before, I was surprised at how many feelings I had about my baby turning one. It was the fastest year of my life, and I think it flew so fast that I didn’t have time to process half of what went on. Half the time I can’t even process the fact that my baby is 1. My baby is barely a baby anymore and I know I sound absurd, but I feel that way too.

Eli is one and I am still regularly overcome with how much I love him. Look, I promise this whole post won’t be gushy, but it’s true. Like, I want to find some random person and be like, LOOK AT THIS CHILD. LOOK HOW AMAZING HE IS. And while I know that that stranger probably doesn’t really care, I just kind of want to shout about it. That’s the first crazy part about motherhood. I’ve wanted to be a mom my whole life and I am still totally shocked by how much I love my child.

And the love part makes everything else harder. I kept thinking that it was going to get easier to leave Eli. That once I got into the swing of work (work I really love), I wouldn’t still hate leaving him. But no, I still hate it. I hate that I’m going to take on another day of work soon because it’s another day away from Eli. I hate anything that takes me away from Eli, even if it’s something I love. I hate taking him to daycare, even though he’s happy there. I hate leaving him with my family, not because he isn’t safe and well taken care of, but because it’s time away. Time I don’t get to be with him. I want every last second and I start to feel panicked when I miss time with him.

I think the best way I can explain it is that motherhood makes me feel raw. Like there’s nothing between me and all these feelings and the instant that something happens, I’m drowning in them. And often that’s a good thing. Drowning in love is pretty much the best feeling I’ve ever had. It makes for the highest highs and some of the lowest lows.

It often feels like even minor issues are huge, when I know they’re not. And when something significantly bad happens, it feels nearly insurmountable.

Eli’s injury, though it’s been 2 months, still plagues a lot of my thoughts. It has shaded a big portion of his first year and so even though it’s far in the past now, it’s frequently at the front of my mind. I struggle mightily with what happened, with how bad it was and how lucky and unlucky we were. I still struggle with guilt on a nearly daily basis. And that raw feeling doesn’t go well with guilt.

What I think I gleaned most in my first year of motherhood is that balance is absolutely essential for all of us. It is impossible to be perfect. It is impossible to be in control. The best I can hope to do is balance out the good and the bad. Because bad things happen. They happen no matter how careful you think you are. They happen no matter how much you love someone. They happen because they have to. And even though I would devote my every waking moment to preventing the bad, it’s still not possible.

I’ve now finished my rookie year of parenting. It has been filled with more smiles, more laughter and more love than any other year I can recall. And though there were hard, truly unbelievably difficult parts, I choose to remember the good. To take it with me from now on and to begin to move forward.

As I understand it, this is a pretty big deal, and yet it feels very much the opposite. I don’t mean it in the hum drum I don’t want to age way. Or in the, don’t make a big deal about it humble mention way. I mean, thirty just seems like another year. I can’t see how it’s different than twenty-nine.

This past year has been the very best year of my life.

My health has been fantastic. I have gotten to stay home part time and raise the most incredible little person on this earth (it’s true). My marriage is the best it has ever been. My family is incredible and closer than ever. I literally could not ask for life to be better than it is right now. I can’t imagine how it would even be possible.

So the whole charade of thirty just seems…underwhelming.

The only real change is that I’ll have to put a new number or pick a new age range on forms. Everything else remains the same.

And as excited as I am for another birthday, what I’m most excited about is the future. I’m excited about this life I get to lead. I’m excited for all the tremendous blessings in my life. For more time with my family. For more days with my son. For more adventures ahead. I’m excited for the future, no matter what number year it may be.

Thirty itself means very little to me, but starting another year of this incredible life? That means the world. I can’t wait.

1 day old!

1 month and 1 day old!

2 months and 1 day old!

3 months and 1 day old!

4 months and 1 day old!

5 months and 1 day old!

6 months and 1 day old!

7 months and 1 day old!

8 months and 1 day old!

9 months and 1 day old!

10 months and 1 day old!

11 months and 1 day old!

1 year and 1 day old!

Today you are one year old! Happy birthday! I cannot believe that you’re one. I spent the last week putting together your baby book (and this letter will go in it this evening, with the rest of the pictures and letters) and even having chronicled the past 12 months in alarming detail, I’m still blown away that the year is over. I’m just shocked that you’re already one.

I’m happy to say that this month has been awesome. You’ve had a cold, you’ve gotten 1.5 more teeth, so there should’ve been high levels of misery, but there weren’t. You were a joy. You have been sleeping wonderfully, including all the way through the night now, and the best part was that aside from about 5 minutes of crying on the second night, we didn’t have to do any real training. You just seemed to get it, and it was/is awesome. You nap like a champ and absolutely adore your room and bed, which we love too. I hated the idea of forcing you into the crib, so knowing that we were able to find a sleeping arrangement that you are comfortable and safe in, makes me very, very happy.

Despite your introverted parents, you are an incredibly social baby. You smile and wave to everyone around you and if they don’t notice, sometimes you yell gibberish at them to get their attention. If we tell you to say hi, you’ll wave your little baby hands until someone waves back. You’re working on bye-bye, but it’s not quite as consistent yet.

You said your first word on April 21st (aside from mama and dada) and against all odds, it was dog. I cannot tell you how much this amuses me. In a house full of cats, with a mother who hates dogs, your first word was dog. And you are OBSESSED with them. Tonight a dog walked past us and you clenched your fists and at the top of your lungs screamed “DOG” as clear as day. Earlier today at your birthday party you did a hilarious bear crawl to get to the dog, even though you hate grass more than almost anything.

You are not walking or standing independently yet, which somedays I don’t mind and other days makes me a little worried. You just don’t seem to want to yet, and that’s fine- you can take your time. You are hilariously resistant to standing about half the time right now, unless it’s on your terms. If we try to stand you up when you’re not into it, it’s like you have no bones in your body. Or alternately, it’s like you’re incapable of straightening out your legs- whichever is more effective at keeping you from having to stand. Most of the time you just want us to put you down so you can crawl.

Over the past few weeks you have suddenly emerged as Mr. Independent. When I get down on the floor and try to play with you, you’ll come over and give me a little bit of love and then wander to play alone. You will happily play by yourself for up to an hour at a time and it’s pretty cool to watch. You love to take any ball you can find and roll it back and forth along the entertainment center and if we sit in front of you, you’ll roll it back and forth with us, too.

Your likes this month include: Dad, Aunt Claire, Mom, all the many assorted grandparents, any meat/protein in small chunks, cheese, kiwi, strawberry, the cats, dogs, being on the floor, Sesame Street (especially Elmo and Murray), pups, Glen, sippy cups (especially to play with, not so much to drink from), ice cream, cookies, your mother’s alarming lack of restraint with letting you try new foods.

Your dislikes this month include: vegetables, not getting the toy you want the moment you want it, diaper changes, long car rides, teething. Honestly, there’s not much more you don’t like.

The theme of your party today was Dr. Seuss’s Oh the Places You’ll Go, which I chose because I liked the idea of thinking of this year not as the end of babyhood, but as the beginning of your real life. We read the book last night and I found myself in tears at the end. I was doing so well, right up until “Kid, you’ll move mountains” line. There’s something about that line- something about thinking about all the amazing things you’ll do that just hits me right in the heart. I have no doubt in this world that you were meant for big things. I don’t mean fame or fortune necessarily, but you were meant to do something significant. To move some mountain, to make something happen. And while I am admittedly a little sad to be marking the end of babyhood and the entry to toddlerhood, I am also just so unbelievably excited to see what you have in store for us.

Next week is my 30th birthday and everyone keeps reminding me with that ominous tone- the one that is meant to make me feel old and scared and things like that. But I just keep thinking about how this past year has been the best year of my whole life. How I get to do this- be your mother, have this incredible family, for the rest of my life, and suddenly, the number just doesn’t seem that important. I have so many years left and I am so grateful to get to spend them as your mother.

I know that it may be some time before these letters mean very much to you- probably until you are a parent yourself, but it has been so fun to sit down each month and think back on all the things you’ve done and enjoyed. I hope you know that though not all of it was pretty, you really had a great first year. You were loved by many, many people and you were one of the happiest babies I’ve ever seen. We are thankful each day to be your parents, to get to love you and raise you. To see your cheesy grin and hear your easy laugh. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to us, and this year has been unquestionably, the best year of our lives.

Happy birthday to you, my sweet boy. This is just the start of so many wonderful things and of so many big adventures. We love you so very much and cannot wait to see what the next months and years bring.

Love,
Mom

Things are in full swing preparing for Eli’s first birthday, which is in 6 days. I absolutely cannot believe that he will be one in 6 days. One year ago I was a grumbling, whining, miserable mess because it was my due date and there was no sign of labor and no baby and I was 100000 pounds (read: 15 more than I am right now) and did I mention miserable?

And now, I have a baby who is almost not a baby anymore. Today he got his first haircut, which he desperately needed. He has said his first word (dog, which, I can’t even with that). He’s not terribly close to walking, but he crawls and cruises and is just the happiest baby ever.

A year ago I didn’t have a baby, and now I barely have one. This has been such an incredible year, but it has FLOWN.

On Friday we’re having Eli’s 1 year pictures taken. I am looking forward to it, though I know it’s going to be a big production the night before a big production, so I’m sort of pre-emptively tired. We were able to schedule Eli and my niece Addie’s pictures back to back so that we can also do a couple of pictures of them together, for which I bought possibly the most ridiculous outfit of all time. Pretty excited about that part.

After dinner tonight, Eli broke out in a rash on his chest and the eczema on his cheeks flared up big time. The only newish thing he had was mango, which he’s had (I think) 2 other times. And tonight he only took a very small bite, so I’m a little concerned about that. It’s definitely something I’ll bring up at the 1 year check up that is in 8 days. Because my baby will be 1 in 6 days.

Also in 6 days, I get to quit pumping. And oh my God I’m so so so happy.

Speaking of appointments, we have our follow up visit with the neurosurgeon tomorrow. Though Eli thankfully didn’t have surgery following his fall/brain bleed, he was admitted to the neurosurgical team and so that’s who we’re following up with. He’s had very few issues since coming home from the hospital, but I have a few little concerns that hopefully we’ll be able to address tomorrow. I don’t think we’ll need any future follow ups and for that I am immeasurably grateful.

I bought a bag of “Belly Flops” (reject Jelly Bellies) and there were several that I swear to God were Tabasco flavored. I wanted to die.

The situation with Eli and the cats has reached a bit of an apex. Eli firmly believes that the kitties are his best friends ever, but the kitties believe he is the worst thing ever. And so basically there is a constant battle of Eli wanting to “pet” (read: assault) the cats and catch their tails, and the cats wanting to kill the baby. Currently Eli has bite marks on his face (ON HIS FACE) from my cat, and despite this, he is not deterred. Hell, he didn’t even cry when it happened. He squealed and went right back for the tail. I feel like I am running constant interference between the baby and the cats and neither of them are learning anything.

6 days. Let’s get this week started.

I always internally rolled my eyes at the “crunchy” moms who only fed their kids organic, hormone-free stuff. It just seemed so over the top and unnecessary. And even though I found/find the “well, we survived when I was growing up doing x, y, or z that is now unsafe” argument infuriating when it comes to just about every other part of parenting, I gave the same excuse for food. I was healthy on a diet of preservatives, why did I need to freak out about feeding my son the same stuff?

When I got pregnant, I felt a small shift in my thinking. I still ate Easy Mac by the heaping bowl full, I still overate carbohydrates, but I began to linger longer at the organic section in our grocery store. I scrubbed fruits and veggies before eating instead of casually rinsing. I started to choose meat from the organic market and read labels slightly more carefully.

After Eli was born, we were in survival mode for a while, eating whatever was in the house or delivered to us, regardless of its health benefits, but when we started him on solid foods at 5 months, I began to feel uncomfortable with our eating. The first thing we did to try to combat our discomfort with the situation is joint a CSA and get a basket of fruits and veggies every other week. Eli’s first several foods came from those baskets and it made me feel a little better to be able to give him non-genetically modified, non-pesticided foods, locally grown food.

As he started to be more interested in real table foods, it got more challenging. We’re very fortunate in that we live walking distance from an organic market, but the distance isn’t the issue now- it’s the cost. Last week I bought a few lunch items for Eli, as well as ingredients for 2 dinners (that would feed us for 4 nights) and it cost over 80 dollars. And look, my child’s health is important, but that is unsustainable.

We also decided to quit the CSA basket this week, not because we don’t like it, but because we’re not making good use of everything and having to throw away too much produce. I found a small local produce stand that will likely be more reasonably priced than the market that I’m going to try out, but either way, it’s been frustrating to balance my desire to feed my child healthy, whole foods and not spend my entire paycheck on it.

And it makes me feel more frustrated because we’re fortunate, we can afford to spend extra for organic, but that’s not the case for everyone. I hate that other families may want to feed their child the same way I want to feed Elijah, but are unable to do it because the cost is prohibitive. I’m frustrated that we’ve reached a point in society where we’re comfortable with feeding animals antibiotics prophylactically, even when we know it causes antibiotic resistant bacteria to proliferate. I’m frustrated that we’re comfortable spraying pesticides on foods, even when we know that some of these chemicals in large quantities can be very dangerous.

I’m frustrated that it’s so complicated to feed my child safe, healthy foods.

I have no solution, not even really any good ideas, just worries and frustrations. I want to be able to feed my child well without breaking the bank. And I just can’t understand why that’s an unrealistic desire. I can’t understand how we hope to manage all the health crises facing our country if we can’t even find a way to make healthy food affordable. I’m frustrated and I think I’m not alone.

Little did I realize that this was only just the start.

Likewise, getting Eli to eat table foods has been a bit of a process. We started with purees at 5 months and I suspect that if we’d started with sweet potatoes instead of avocados, he actually would’ve done great from the start. From there we introduced pieces of puffs, then whole puffs, then gradually gave him real food. I’m not going to lie, there were a lot of misfires. Some of it was his issue- he had some texture difficulties that resulted in a lot of gagging and some other unsavory events at the dinner table. And some of it was mine- the fear of choking is one of my big ones and so for a long time, I was afraid to give him anything substantial.

But for the past month, Eli has been almost exclusively on table foods with just a few purees here or there to make sure he’s still getting the fruits and veggies that he’s having trouble self-feeding (read: that he doesn’t like. Because he is a turkey.) And finally it seems like we’ve got the equipment part down.

I will let you know before we go any further that I was given all these products to try out and review here. I am not being paid to write this or being given an incentive to write a positive review. And I’m going to be honest because that’s how I roll. Also, all links are non-affiliate links, so click away.

The first issue we tried to tackle was sippy cups. Oy. We tried what seemed like all of them before we found one Eli could figure out. Initially he would only use soft spouts that were almost like bottles, which was a nice bridge between bottle and sippy, but not something I wanted to stick with for very long. The first real sippy he really took was the Take & Toss cups (which we purchased with our own 4 dollars, I promise) and once he mastered those we were able to try others.

Boon has a system of sippy cups we’ve been trying out and which I love more than Eli does right now. They are adorable and they have interchangeable lids so that if you need to go up a cup size or up a level with the firmness of the spout, you can. Or if you’re lazy like me, and you don’t feel like organizing your sippy cup drawer, you can just screw any old lid on. Never underestimate the power of easy. So far Eli likes the Modster cups (as do I, they are so stinking cute) and will tolerate the Sip, but couldn’t manage the Stout. I like that we can progress through the line and eventually give him the stout without a lid as a first cup since it has a nice wide base to prevent spills. But that’s way, way down the line yet.

The other sippy we tried was The First Years Gripper Sipper, which Eli much preferred despite it not looking like a monster. This child does not share my adorableness meter. It’s got a one piece lid, which I love because we already lost 2 of the valves from another sippy system to our dishwasher, and it’s pretty easy for him to hold and drink out of. Basically Eli and I vote differently on sippies, but both the Boon system and the Gripper Sipper are great, non-leaking cups. As much as I love the Take & Toss cups, the leaking was always an issue, so I’m thrilled to be switching to cups that won’t require wardrobe changes after meals or that I could give him in the car on a hot day without needing to bring towels along.

The other major equipment we needed for feeding was containers for daycare. Because Eli’s eating is kind of unpredictable (somedays he thinks strawberries are the best, sometimes they’re poisonous), when I send him to daycare, I send him with about 10 different food options. This way he can eat what he wants, and not what he doesn’t, but he’ll have a somewhat balanced meal regardless. Except maybe the day I sent him with mac and cheese and a cheese stick (and fruit he wouldn’t eat). At least his bones will be strong.

Anyways, we had been using some small tupperware containers, but it got to the point where I was doing a million dishes a day and sending unwieldy bags of tiny containers, and so I was pretty excited to try out the Boon Cargo and Trunk. They are basically toddler lunch boxes- they have several small compartments covered by a nice secure lid. I was a little worried that if I put something like melon in one compartment that everything would end up melon slimed, but I was pleasantly surprised and found all melon juices stayed well contained and each area seemed to be relatively sealed off by the lid.

The snack boxes are top rack microwave safe, but our dishwasher is too small (and usually too full), so I’ve hand washed each time. I haven’t found a good way to keep these containers cool so we could use them out and about because they’re a bit too big for our existing lunch bags, but that hasn’t been a problem going back and forth to daycare.

The last piece of the feeding puzzle is seating. We’ve been using a high chair with an attached tray for Eli now, but we know that someday we will want more kids and we aren’t going to want 2 high chairs cluttering our dining room area. Though Eli is too little to use it, our 3 year old niece test drove the Bumbo booster seat and it worked perfectly. She was able to sit at the table like a big kid, but we were able to keep her contained by buckling her in and it was super easy to clean off afterwards. I will say it was a very tight fit when we strapped it onto our very large chairs, so keep that in mind if you have padded chairs like ours.

I have to say, I’m not surprised at how happy I am with the products I was given to try. Boon has been one of my favorite companies for a while now because they make good quality products and as a plus, make them fairly adorable. I know that’s not high on everyone’s list, but it’s always kind of fun for me.

Because we were lucky enough to try these products and because they’re items that worked well and that I would spend money on and happily recommend to you even if they weren’t free to me, I’m doing a giveaway! Well, 2 giveaways, actually.

The first giveaway is a Boon toddler feeing set including: the sip, stout, cargo and trunk.

The second is a Bumbo/First Year’s set including: the lime Bumbo booster seat and the First Years Gripper Sipper.

All of this stuff is awesome, so trust me, either package would be a pretty nice win.

Onto the fine print!
To enter, leave a comment telling me:
1. Which giveaway you want to win
2. Which item you’re most excited to try and why.

You can enter twice (once for each giveaway) but if you win one, you’ll be ineligible for the second drawing. To choose the winner, I’ll separate the entries, number them all in chronological order and pick a random number using a random number generator. In order for me to contact you with your winnings, you’ll need to use a valid email address. The contest will run from today, Monday April 29th until Friday, May 3rd at noon pacific time. Winner will be announced by the following Monday.

Also of importance: Each household is only eligible to win 3 TOMY products, via blog reviews and giveaways, each calendar year. Only one entrant per household per giveaway. If you have won the same prize on another blog, you will not be eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.

Good luck!

When I started job 2 in January, I had reservations. It’s pediatric based and I did peds at my last clinical affiliation last year and hated it. I mean, hated it. I didn’t want to go. I called my sister almost daily on the way to work practically in tears for how miserable I was. And yet, when I got an email offering me this position, I jumped at the chance. It’s a cool place with cool people.

And from the first day, I loved it. I felt a little out of my league at parts, but as each week passed my confidence and arguably my skills, improved. I got to where each week I looked forward to Wednesdays and dreaded the days I had to go to work at job 1. After a few weeks, we added a half day at job 2 to accommodate new patients. I was thrilled.

I have been continuing to take days at job 1, but over the past 2 months, they had slowed to a trickle. I accepted every one that came my way, even the ones that were an almost 2 hour commute away, but even still, most weeks I was getting one day of work a week at best. I really liked the company, but I was not working enough to make it worth my while staying per diem at job 2. I spoke with my boss at job 2 and she said that if I wanted to work more, she’d give me the hours and would eventually need me up to 3 days a week, or even more if I was interested.

And with the combination of hospital bills and student loans looming, we knew what had to be done.

2 weeks ago I gave my 2 week notice for job 1 and starting next week I’ll be working up to full part time hours at job 2. Eventually I may go full time, but I like being able to be home with Eli a few days a week and as long as it works with our budget, I’m not in a rush to change it. My boss also has a young daughter, so she’s extremely understanding of the need for a work/home balance and I am beyond appreciative of that.

But the coolest part of all of this is that I truly enjoy going to work now. When I was a teacher, I dreaded going to work each day. I loved my students, I loved interacting with them, but I hated the job. At job 1, I dreaded going to work each day and I started to worry that I had gone into the wrong field because I was miserable. But now, I no longer dread it. I look forward to seeing my patients, to seeing my coworkers, to working with parents. I look forward to even the toughest patients, because they challenge me in a way that is exciting. In a way that makes me want to work more instead of less, and that is a very novel feeling for me. I am pretty stubborn, but when I don’t like my job, when things get tough, I tend to want to bow out. There is no more bowing.

I remember when job 2 was offered to me and the trepidation I felt about returning to pediatrics, but now that I’m there, I feel like I’m home. And that makes the long road to get here seem more than worth it.

It was originally a Cooking Light recipe, and while I definitely added some of the calories back, it’s still better (in health and taste!) than many of the other mac and cheese recipes that I’ve tried over the years.

I’ve made this recipe a number of times now and somewhat unintentionally, have used a different cheese each time. Most of the time it was because I couldn’t find gouda at my grocery store, but there were a few other times I just wanted to experiment. So far I’ve used Jack cheese, Gouda, Gouda with Wasabi (an accident because apparently I can’t read) and most recently I used sharp cheddar, which changed the texture slightly (cheddar ends up grainier) but the flavor was awesome. So feel free to experiment with any good, easy to melt, cheese. I suspect you can substitute other greens for the spinach, but I haven’t tried that yet. Arugala will be my next substitution because I think that peppery flavor will be awesome.

But really, it’s your mac and cheese, so don’t be afraid to try something new.

Spinach Mac and Cheese
Serves 4-6

Ingredients
1 slice french (or sourdough) bread
1/8-1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
 (can be omitted, just adds a little more flavor)
2 tbsp grated parmesan cheese
1 tablespoon butter

1/4 cup sliced green onions
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tablespoons flour
2 cups milk (I have used fat free and 1%)
4 ounces shredded Gouda cheese
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
3 cups chopped fresh spinach

4 cups cooked elbow macaroni (2 cups uncooked)

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 350. Coat a 9 inch square pan with cooking spray.

2. Using a food processor, magically transform your bread into breadcrumbs. Stir in the red pepper and parmesan cheese to taste.

3. Cook macaroni per package instructions.

4. Melt butter in a large saucepan. Add onions and garlic, cook for 1 minute, stirring frequently. Add flour, cook for 1 more minute, stirring constantly.

5. Add milk and whisk until well combined (takes a few minutes). Bring to a boil, stirring periodically and cook until the sauce begins to thicken. This usually takes 2-3 minutes for me.

6. Add cheese, stir until melted. Add in spinach, macaroni and salt and pepper, stir to combine. Pour into the prepared pan.

7. Sprinkle with bread crumb/parmesan mix and bake for 15 minutes, until the topping is lightly browned and the mac and cheese is bubbling.

This mac and cheese is best fresh from the oven, but it can certainly be reheated. I always add just a little water (think like a tsp) and cover it with a damp papertowel to get some moisture back in while it’s in the microwave.

Enjoy!

1 day old!

1 month and 1 day old!

2 months and 1 day old!

3 months and 1 day old!

4 months and 1 day old!

5 months and 1 day old!

6 months and 1 day old!

7 months and 1 day old!

8 months and 1 day old!

9 months and 1 day old!

10 months and 1 day old!

11 months and 1 day old!
(Alternate option for this month- the polar opposite)

One more to go!