Overthinking Mama

Happy Mother's Day

2013-05-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's day to all the wonderful mom's out there.... and also to all of the father's out there that have the role of both mom and dad.

I hope ya'll feel as blessed as I do on this day today!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Weekend

2013-05-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

We had an absolutely amazing weekend!! We celebrated lil mans bday on Friday night with a sleep over with a couple of his friends. It was a fun night! We had a cook out and tons of snacks for them. We had a fire and smores.

They jumped/wrestled on the trampoline. Played xbox,. Wrestled in the house. And surprisingly didn't make as big of a mess as I expected. :-)

Tho my son's room is absolutely trashed! haha. In the morning I made them bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes, and french toast.

After that we went up to the park and played for a bit until the one kid's mom came to pick him up. The other kid ended up staying another night. :-)

Saturday night my boyfriend Brett cooked us spaghetti for dinner and then we loaded up his van with pillows and blankets and headed off to the drive in movie theater to watch Iron Man 3 and Oz. Which we only end up watching Iron Man 3.. or I should say baby girl and myself only ended up watching the movie cuz all the boys were out cold!! So after the first movie we packed back up and headed home again.

Sunday we went to church and then afterwards Brett invited his buddy over for a cook out. His buddy ended up cooking for us! :-) It was nice to have company and just sit back and relax some! After dinner we took the kids to the park and I ended up meeting most of Bretts family.
We came home and Brett cleaned my house for me!!! I got a load of laundry into the washer, packed lunches and got baby girl tucked into bed for the night. Lil man stayed up playing xbox and then brett went and played with him for a bit! I seriously was in awe!!

But now its back to reality.
Hope ya'll have a great Monday and a great week!!! I know mine is jammed packed, between baseball, getting things for the roof of my garage to be repaired, finish up birthday shopping, and taking lil man out to get his baseball pants, cleats, and socks, AND celebrating Lil Man's birthday at some point... lol. Fun Filled day!!! :-)

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

2013-05-03T07:42:00.003-07:00

Its been way too long!!!

I have like 3 different posts started and stuck in draft. UGH. I would say maybe this weekend I will finally sit down and finish them up... but yea.. who am I kidding. I doubt I will have any free time and if I do, Ill be wanting to nap!!!

But anyway... I figured I can at least start- and finish a realization friday post... since its been forever since I've posted and even longer since I've done a realization post. :-)

I have come to realize that:

~ I am addicted to caramels!

~ God has finally brought an absolutely amazing man into my life.

~ I can not stop picking my fingers!! ugh.

~ I feel so blessed!!!

~ I have two absolutely wonderful kids!

~ I have no idea what I would do with out my mom and my stepdad in my life.

~ I had no idea that my neighbor was as awesome as he's shown he is.

~ Sometimes when it feels like relationships are changing that maybe its time to take a step back for a minute and re-evaluate things.

~ I have become very forgetful lately.

~ This is going to be an insane weekend.

I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Repost from 2010.

2013-04-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I was reading through some notes that I had posted on Facebook... and this was one of them. I believe I had posted this on here too. Anyway, wanted to repost it because it spoke to me and I knew I needed to repost for something.. for someone. :-)

As I was in the shower tonite... I decided it was time I wrote this post...
I was emotionally abused in a past relationship.

What is emotional abuse?

From: Steve Hein http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?

What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
google_protectAndRun("ads_core.google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad);Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.Aggressing
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.Denying
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.Dominating
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.Invalidation
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation
Minimizing
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.Unpredictable Responses
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.Verbal Assaults
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

A man I was completely in love with did this too me.. I didnt even know what it was.. or that there was even a such thing as emotional abuse... and honestly if someone would have told me about it... I wouldnt think too much of it and say... "oh I would never let it happen to me"... but it did... and I didnt even realize it all that much till it was all over and done with... and the sad thing is... I still love this man...

Now I am not saying he is all bad or anything like.. and I dont completely put the blame on him... I believe a lot of how you act as an adult is how you were raised as a child. This man didn't have the best situation growing up... He wasnt raised by either parent and never see a "happy marriage" and how a relationship works. He was raised by an aunt who was single and never dated. He didnt see how a man was to treat a woman... but.. he is also not completely innocent in the whole ordeal... He is still a grown man and can see how his actions can cause hurt and pain.. and he still does them time after time...
I am not writing this to get sympathy or anything like that.. I am writing this for a couple of reasons... one to help me with my healing proces.... I still have a lot of scars that havent healed and they are still reopened from time to time and I still deal with the pain of all of it.. Two, just so that my story is out there.. maybe someone else is dealing with it and doesnt even realize what is going on.. or knows someone... or even is the person that is doing this to someone else and doesnt even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and abusive...

I met this man years ago... and he came into my life exactly when I needed him too.. but I have learned that God seems to work like that... I fell in love with this man... whole heart and all... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man... and of course he told me the same thing... eventually we moved in together... and as I look back... things just kinda went down hill from there... now dont get me wrong.. there was a lot of wonderful times with this man... and I think that is why I delt with it all as well as I did.

The first thing about this man ... he was possessive... and at the time I didnt realize it... (there are a lot of things that I didnt realize at the time). after me and him started dating... I pretty much stopped talking to most of my friends and a lot of my family... the few family memebers I did still talk with... he always thought I was going to leave him because of what they might tell me... He always thought I was going to cheat on him, find someone better than him, or leave him for whatever other reason... I would get calls/text/emails all day long while we both were at work asking me if I was going to do any of those things.... I of course constantly told him no and tried to reassure him... I understood why he might have some of those thougts because i did cheat on my husband before i met him.... but I was bound and determined NOT to be that person I would not do that again... so in order to prove to him this... I stopped talking and hanging out with most of the people in my life...
The rare times that I see my friends... he gave me the 3rd degree to find out what we did, what was said, etc... and the entire time I would be gone, he would be texting me something...

another thing was that he didnt like to make love to me... becuase of this.. I was always thinking that there was something wrong with me... he didnt find me attractive... he didnt love me... i wasnt good enough... making love to me is more than just the sex... its about the connection.. its about becoming one person... its about having a intimate way to express the love and devotion you have for another person.. so if i had to practically beg for him to make love to me.... it made me feel less of a person. but also.. when we did finally make love... it was so incredible. I would just feel so much love that I would forget about having to beg him... it made me feel like it was worth me feeling like nothing just for that moment of "oneness and love" with him..

He wasnt a lovey touchy feely type person... at least not as much as I wanted him to be. I am. When I am in love with someone I am constantly wanting to show them, express to them, how I feel... if its a hug, a kiss, holding their hands, a look, anything to remind them I love them... When I would try and do this to him... He would push me away... turn his head... or something... now it wasnt all the time... but it was often enuf that it hurt...
Then theres the guilt... The guilt that he didnt have the freinds i did. The guilt of my past.. the guilt of the people in my life (coworkers, family etc) The guilt that I might one day leave him and find someone better. The guilt that I had a life before him... That I shoulnt have ever slept with anyone else.. the guilt that I shouldnt have drank and partied... the guilt that I want to still have part of the life that I had before him... as in going out with my friends and having a good time...

Now again dont get me wrong... he wasnt like this all the time... we had our wonderful moments where he would suprise me with little gifts, or emails or text messages saying how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...
And I think that is the part I am still stuck on at time.... the part that makes me still love him...
The part of him that is the man I want him to be... but in reality... its not...
I think that is part of the whole emotional abuse.... its the times that a person shows you that they love you unconditionally.. and maybe in their hearts they love you as much as they can... but then the "bomb" is released and your heart, your emotions, and your self esteem are slowly destroyed... but its the love, the "im sorrys" , they u r the only person I want to be with, that makes you love that person so much that you cant see or choose not to see all the warning signs and makes you want to be with that person regardless...

Because of those lows... It makes the Highs... so much more than you feel in a "normal" relationship with any other person... I believe the longer the emotional abuse goes on... the harder it is to have a long lasting normal relationship.. because you compare the highs in the normal relationship to the HIGHS in the abusive one... and it dont compare because you don't have those same lows to go along with it...

2013-04-01T08:24:00.002-07:00

Its been too long and I need to write. Need to get thoughts out of my head and hopefully clear it up a little bit.

But then I really don’t know what to write about either. I don’t want to write about all the struggles I am facing in life. I am tired of always writing about negativity.

One thing that has been on my mind a lot this past weekend was relationships and my life. The last serious relationship I had was over 2 years ago. He was a great man and we are still friends.

Since then I have talked with a few men, been on dates with a few men and been a “girlfriend” to a few men. I have learned one thing about myself tho, its getting harder and harder for me to let someone into my heart. Every time I do, every time I let someone into my heart, I get left and I get hurt.

Its to the point now, that I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to put the effort in. I am tired of it. I am at the point where I don’t even want to bother. I don’t want to go thru all the getting to know someone, letting someone know me, and for what??? Just so they can walk away as every one else has?? So they can judge me based on my past? So they can make me believe that I am someone special to them, just to throw it all back in my face and walk away like I am nothing?

And yet, my heart wants someone. Longs for someone to love. But I don’t think I will let my heart win anymore. I can’t do it.

I have lost myself somewhere in the past 2 years.

In just the last year, I have lost ME. Lost motivation. Lost drive. Lost the energy to do more than just go thru the motions of every day life. I need to find myself again. Find my motivation. I want to be happy again. I want to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day… to my life.

I don’t want my kids to remember me as a mom who just sat there.. I want them to remember me as fun and loving and the best mom ever.

They deserve better than what I am giving them right now. I deserve better too.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

my week-instagram style- 3/15-3/24

2013-03-27T10:12:00.001-07:00

Love my church

womans retreat at church

first time at chic-fil-a

my bestie cooking us st. patricks day dinner

steak and chicken

she's a vampire!!!

wine

dinner!!! yum!

amazing cd came out! Benjah!!

baby girl had a music performance at school

watched the Passion of the Christ with baby girl and a good friend.

just me

duck lips!!! me and my bestie

my son is so handsome!

breakfast!!

she def has her own style.

the big dog thinks he belongs on my lap. oye

gotta love spring in ohio

my planner

love this!!! BE STILL

so sleepy and so don't wanna get up!

Have a great week ya'll

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

no title

2013-03-20T08:06:00.003-07:00

I sneak off down the hallway with my coffee cup in hand.. hoping that no one notices me.. hoping no one is in the break room or the bathrooms. I don’t want to be seen. Not like this, because I know if one person sees the tears welling up in my eyes, I will lose it. The flood gates will open.

I make it into the bathroom without anyone noticing.. but then I see myself in the mirror. I see the sadness in my eyes that I feel in the very depths of my soul and I can’t hold back any long. I want to scream but I have to hold it in. I am at work. I have to pretend I am ok. I drop down to my knees and silently call out to God. “Lord Help ME!!! I can’t do this Lord, I can’t handle this pain, this sadness anymore. I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this. This is too much for me to bear. Lord help me!!!”

It feels like there is a hand grabbing onto my heart, pulling it, squeezing it tighter and tighter. Its hard to breath. Its hard to focus, to work, to be normal.

I am tired of pretending everything is ok. I am tired of putting on this smile that I am happy. I am fine. I am ok. I am tired of waking up every morning, hoping that if I have the right outfit on, the my hair and make up are just right, I will be ok today. Every thing will be ok.

If it wasn’t for my kids, I think right now I would walk out of work.. out of my life… not caring. Not worrying.. and just drive. Fill up my tank and drive. South. Warmth. I need a change. I need a break. I need something different. I need to start over. I am tired of the pressure. Of the responsibility. But I can’t say that. Not to anyone. Not out loud… I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a worker. I have to keep it all together. I have to make sure everything is ok for everyone else, yet inside, I am crumbling. I have to be responsible for the choices I have made in my life. I chose to have two beautiful kids. I chose to raise them alone. I chose to buy the house and the car. I made the choices and now I have to be responsible for it. And I will be, because that is me, that is who I am.

I know God has a plan for me. I know He is with me.. and I think knowing that, is one of the few things that has kept me somewhat sane. That having the faith in Him had kept me going on, kept me thinking that eventually everything will be ok. I just wish I knew when. Knew that this pain is only going to last another week.. another month.. to have some kind of end to this.. its been off and on for as long as I can remember.. but really being bad for the last year. This last year has been the worse I have ever felt. Ever. I am scared to think about how much I’ll have to endure.

Sometimes I wish that I had some major problem with me.. drug addict, alcoholic… idk something.. then people could see it’s a problem.. not just oh she’s sad again. Oh she’s not happy with her life. If I had her life I would be so happy. She just needs to be happy, realize how blessed she is. She needs to do this or that. Yea. Its not that easy. Or tell me I should go to the doctor and get pills. Or I should do this or that… its not that easy. I can’t really afford it. I don’t want to go on a pill that is going to make me feel worse than I do now. I have before. I don’t want to go back to that.

I just want someone there for me. I know my friends and family are there. Emotionally, physically… but my kids.. my house.. my bills.. its my burden. Not theirs. If my house burns down, yea, I’ll have a place to stay, but it’s my stuff that’s gone. My roof needs repaired and yea, they are willing to help, but in the end, I’m the one who needs to make sure its gets done. I just want someone to share this burden with me. someone who can be scared with me, someone who will lose everything with me, someone who will work for something because it’s for them too… not just for me.

And Idk maybe I am explaining all of this wrong, cuz it seems like most people don’t get me.. or what I am going thru. This hopelessness. This loneliness.

I am so tired of trying to be happy. I am tired of fighting the feelings every single day. I need a break.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday!

2013-03-15T08:18:00.002-07:00

Its Friday!!!!

And time for the realizations!

This week I have come to realize:

~ that I can still pick up my 10yr old 100lb+ son and carry him into bed! (and I only weigh 25lbs more than him!!)

~ that I am really looking forward to just sleeping in tomorrow. Oye. So tired this week.

~ that Its amazing seeing God work in life. Mine and others.

~ that its always something that needs done. Now for me it’s a new roof. L

~ that I am so ready for warm weather!!!

~ that sometimes I just need a hot bath, candle light, a glass of wine and a good nights sleep… and sometimes I just need a vacation.

~ that God is so good!!!

~ that I really want to write… a book maybe?! Idk yet…

~ that I have lost so much motivation in the last week. All I want to do is sleep.

Hope it’s a great weekend for ya’ll and I am really hoping that it warms up here some- especially for the St. Patricks Day parade Sunday!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama.

life instagram style- picture overload!!

2013-03-13T07:19:00.002-07:00

This is the past few weeks on instagram. I kept forgetting to post. I'll try and do better but for now, sorry for the pic overload. lol.

quite time with the Lord. My favorite part of the day!!

going to lunch with this great woman.

on my way to lunch to a few great woman!!

my mom threw me a surprise birthday party!!! it was so much fun!!

another of my besties!!

:-)

back to my house afterwards.. gotta love my face!

the group!

Worship team at church getting set up. love my church

my crazy kids and grammi's new dog woody

ugh at the doc... temp of 102 :-(

morning comes too soon!

movie night with baby girl- Breakfast at Tiffany's

love this

my daughter put bella in here... and she stayed for like 15minutes!!!

Amen!!!

all ready for my first date :-)

crazy chihuahua

best lunch ever

love that i can wear my son's hoodies!!

time with the Lord!!! :-)

God is seriously the best artist ever!

still not feeling that great :-(

love this saying! ha

dinner out then bday shopping

it was my daughter's sister birthday!! my stepdaughter even tho her father and i ain't together. she is seriously the sweetest girl ever!!

my daughter got pushed around in her stroller that we used when she was a baby. she couldn't even fit her legs in it anymore... but wasn't feeling good..so she got spoiled. :-P

yea... getting old sucks.. gotta bleach my mustache!! and while im at it my eyebrows to match my hair!

Higher Learning Tour- Cleveland! Amazing night!!!

what I woke up to on my birthday!!

bday gift from my mom and kiddos

1st soccer practice!!!

That dog loves him.

yum. bday dinner with my mom and family

bowling with my bestie!! so much fun!!

love this pic of her!

my goof troop!!

yummy watermelon margarita!

deep fried pickle chips

great gift from my mom. a bible study journal!

New outfit!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

the big 31!

2013-03-09T08:17:00.001-08:00

This has been an amazing day. Simply amazing.

Today is my birthday!!

My phones been going off since late last night with text messages from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but the best surprise was that my stepdaughter- my daughters sister, called me. I never would have expected that. I talked to her for a minute, wished her a happy birthday and then found out that she was in the middle of a sleepover that she was having for her birthday (her's was the 7th). That brought tears to my eyes. That even in the middle of her own party, she remembered me!! Her mother has raised an absolutely amazing little girl!!!

After that I sat down for my quiet time with the Lord. Read my devotional and listen to some worship music and then started praying. And as I prayed thanks to the Lord for the day, my birth, my life, I started crying. Good tears. I felt the Lord so strong with me. I felt so overwhelmed with his presence.. with his love. Felt so happy. So blessed.

The Lord is so good!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

2013-03-08T10:07:00.002-08:00

This week I have come to realize:

~ that I carry my stress in my digestive system. When I get upset, stressed, worry… I get an upset acid cramping feeling and need to run to the bathroom quite often. Lol.

~ that I feel God telling to hold on and not give up just yet. Crazy.

~ that I love my new hair cut and color

~ that I need to try hard not to let my insecurity get the best of me.

~ that I am still like a little kid and get all excited for my birthday!!!

~ that I am so ready for a vacation!!! Some place warm!!!

~ that I have amazing kids!!

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

All my looks...past year 2012-2013

2013-03-07T09:43:00.001-08:00

Well any one who has been following my blog for at least the past 6+ months, knows I change up my hair quite often. Hey I get bored. lol.

Here's my looks for the past year. :-)

April 2012- got some highlights put in

June 2012- went all blonde

June 2012- got some black put in

July 2012- got it cut

front of the cut.

august 2012

end of august 2012- cut and colored.

another sytle of the same cut

and another one.

october 2012- back to blonde...and a little red in front.

January 2013

Feb 2013 went all blonde again..

March 2013 and cut it again...

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

yea... i've got issues.

2013-03-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

Some of my friends think I am crazy. That I have issues, and maybe I do. I don’t know anymore… not sure if I care anymore. Lol.

I was just re-reading my last blog post- Ball Punch.. and then also The Donor… and thinking to myself, this is why. Why I have the issues I do.

I have a very hard time anymore, letting someone in. Letting someone close to my heart. I have a hard time anymore, falling in love and letting myself go. It always seems that when I start too, I get hurt. And I am tired of that hurt. That pain. I go thru that enough on a daily basis that I don’t need to put myself out there that much more to have it happen that much worse.

The first man to truly, Truly hurt me, was my daughter’s father- aka sperm donor. I met him right after I got divorced. I didn’t want to date, but he was persistent and I caved. He promised me his forever love, his forever faithfulness. He promised me everything I wanted to hear. Told me he loved me and wanted a family with me. That I was the first woman he ever loved like this. That I was the best woman he’s ever dated. I was better to him and for him than anyone else in his life. I believe it all. I believed I was special to him. I let myself go. I loved him fully. He had my complete heart. And he walked away.

We have been split up for 6 ½ almost- 7 years now. And I am still hurting. He has promised me these things and said these things off an on for the last almost 7 years to me. I have put up a wall to him. But I relive the hurt he’s caused me almost every single day. Not because I still am in love with him or that I want him back, but because of our daughter.

She is something that he wanted to with me. and yet another broken promise. The promise to always be there.. The promise to always help me out. The promise to never abandon us. The promise to always care.

Every time he makes plans to see her and doesn’t call, doesn’t show.. It opens that wound again. Every time he can’t take the time to take her for an hour or a night or a day.. It opens that wound for me again. Every time she is sick and I am the only one there to ease her sadness or sickness, it opens that wound again. Every time he disappoints her, it opens that wound again. And the pain I feel is not because I am still in love with him but because of lack of responsibility when it comes to his daughter, because of his selfishness when it comes to his daughter – reopens all of those wounds that he has caused me over the years. That. Has made it that much harder to be able to love someone fully and deeply. Yes there have been other heartaches through out the years. Other disappointments, betrayals from other men that I have tried to let in my heart that has caused me to hold back also.

I keep hoping that one day I will finally meet a man who can break down these walls and will heal this hurt. That will show me that not every man is the same. But honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be able to let someone in enough to do that. I am just tired of feeling hurt. Feeling pain.

Blessings N love

Overthinking Mama

ball punch

2013-03-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

I am fighting back tears at the moment. I need to vent so here I am.

I got a call a bit ago saying I needed to pick my daughter up from school. Her fever is back and she can not return to school tomorrow. We have to wait 24 hours.

I pick her up and run home to get my check book and then up to the Urgent Care which is about 15/20 min away. I get there and they are closed for lunch.. for another hour! Really??? Gggggrrrrrr. So we leave and I call my mom to see if she is home yet. I feel so frustrated!!! Frustrated that my daughter is sick. Frustrated that there is nothing I can do to help her. Frustrated that this has been going on for over a week. Frustrated that I have to send her to school when I know she’s still not feeling good because I have to go to work. Frustrated because I know that her no good sperm donor is doing whatever he wants, and isn’t here to help. I could seriously punch him in the balls so easily right now. He had no problem promising me the world, saying all right things and getting me pregnant. (don’t get me wrong, I am responsible too.. but I am “manning” up to my responsiblites- he’s obviously not).

Luckily I have an awesome mom that isn’t working today and could stop everything she is doing so that my daughter could stay with her and I could return to work. I seriously don’t know what I would do with out her.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

pretty little liar

2013-03-04T09:36:00.001-08:00

One of my biggest pet peeves.. is a liar.

I mean unless its for a surprise of some kind… or something good… there is not reason to lie.

Not about your past, your present, not about anything… because the truth will always come out one way or another.

Don’t boast about what you have done.. or how great you are, because the truth will always surface.

So many people out there no a days what to make themselves into something they are not. Want to come across better than they really are. And I get that. I don’t want to be judged or looked down upon at all… but when there are things in my past that I can not change, there is no point in lying about it. When there are things about myself that eventually will come to light, why lie about it?

I try and be a very open and honest person. Too much at times. Why is it so hard for others to do that to?

Why do we as a person, feel the need to lie or change up things just to impress someone?? I mean do we really think that the person will never find out?

We all have flaws. Either you accept them in someone or you don’t. And really.. do you want someone in your life that can’t accept you with your flaws? Do you want someone in your life that doesn’t know the real you? That doesn’t like the real you?? I know I don’t. To me if someone can’t accept me for me.. for my flaws and all, then that person isn’t worth being in my life.

I am not going to fake it for anyone.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

the Donor

2013-03-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes. Sometimes I just don't get it!

My daughters father- now known as sperm donor just text me saying last night was the first time that he hasn't felt welcomed in my house. Now, I try really hard not to talk bad about anyone- especially him... but Im done.

I told him that I was sorry he felt unwelcomed. But I was tied of loving him as much as I do. I was tired of him never feeling like he has to sacrifice anything for our daughter is never a consideration, because he knows that I will do it. I will take care of whatever needs to be done. That I am tired of my daughter having a father that comes by to see her and sits in another room and calls her to him when she's sick with a 103 fever. I was tired of her having a father that only comes around when its convenient for him. That he is always welcome at my house, as long as he is there to see her. - his reply to this: well understood.
So does that mean that he will come around more?? be there for her more? no, probably not. It will probably be just the opposite sadly.

The last time that he came over to see baby girl was Christmas.

Yes. I had a slight attitude when him when he came over last night. Why?? because I missed 2 days of work and had to have my stepdad watch my daughter on the 3rd day because she was sick. That I had to send my daughter to school, still not feeling the greatest yesterday and again today because I couldn't miss anymore work. I had called him Tuesday, his day off, to ask if he could watch our daughter for the day. No answer. No call back. So text him later that day. again, nothing... not till 8pm did I get a reply. And it was to ask how she was doing. The next day I text him and said that I would be nice if he could take a day off when our daughter is sick sometimes so I wasn't the only one. His reply- I can't afford to miss an hour of work let alone a day. Apparently I can because I have no choice in that matter. Yes, I make more than him... but I am always the one raising our daughter. Yes, he pays child support...but that doesnt cover everything that is needed, infact because I felt bad for him, I had things held out from child support so he would be able to make ends meet for himself. Stupid. Me. So, who cares if I lose my job because I miss too many day. As long as he doesn't. Thats all that matters. That is what started my attitude towards him.

I am tired.

I am tired of always making excuses to our daughter for him.
I am tired of her thinking that having a daddy that only comes around when he feels like its is "normal"

He asked me last night, if baby girl was excited he was coming over. I said she didn't know. I stopped telling her when he was going to come over because most of the time he never showed up... like a week ago, when he said he was coming over... and then the next day when he said he would come over instead... and no call. no text. nothing...
but at 1230 in morning, he has no problem texting me asking to come over because he's lonely... sorry dude. Can't help you.

There are so many negative things I could write right now.. part of me wants to, wants to just get it all out there... out of my head and out of my heart. But once again, I won't do that to him. I won't make the world think any worse of him than they do.

But I am done.
He is now, a sperm donor in my eyes. I will never talk bad about him to our daughter and I will never prevent my daughter from seeing her father if she wants to.
But in my eyes. Hes a sperm donor.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

How long?

2013-03-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

This past week has been a hard one for me. Well really the past few month have been. Just felt like I was stuck in a rut. I had no motivation. No drive. No desire. I kept praying for God to show me something. Show me my path. Show me his plan. Something!!!

Today when I woke up... I felt God speaking to my heart... I know a path to go now. He's shown me this before.. and then life gets in the way and I start to doubt it or question it. This time.. I need to not let life or myself get in the way. I know this is something that I can do.. that I must do.

So even when I felt down and was overthinking everything in my life... God was still working in me... He has always loved me. He is so good!!!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

2013-03-01T07:16:00.002-08:00

Finally it’s Friday!!!

And even tho I was out with a sick little girl, this week has seen extra long! UGH!!!

I fought a moment of depression for a few days.. on top of losing all motivation this week… I think I am starting to come out it of, at least I am hoping.

Here are the realizations for the week!!

This week I have come to realize:

~that so many people suck

~that once again, so many people don’t know how to accept the answer NO.

~ that God is so good.

~ that I need a vacation!!!

~that I am so tired of the snow!!

~that blogging and tweeting have brought some absolutely awesome people into my life.

~that I have two absolutely amazing kids!!

Hope Ya’ll have an amazing weekend!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

the hamster wheel.

2013-02-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

I don’t even know where to start. I have been wanting to write for the last 3 days… but as soon as I get the computer out, I lose all motivation.

I woke up Sunday morning just completely depressed. It took all I had not to cry. I made it to church and I am so glad that I did. I needed that. I ended up seeing one of my favorite pastors there and spoke with her for a brief second and she told me to come in and talk with her asap. So I know it was God that brought me to church and God that had me see her especially because she wasn’t even supposed to be there that day!

Monday, my daughter woke up with a 101 temperature and a headache. So I stayed home from work with her. Figured that I would be able to get so much done around the house… but nope, ended up laying in bed with her most of the day. She wanted me close.

Tuesday was the same. L I woke up in a seriously horrible mood. I couldn’t control the tears this time was just utterly frustrated. I had a 930 conference with my son’s school and his father… and I had no one to watch my daughter.. finally I got ahold of my dad and was able to take her over there. I just felt so helpless. Had a pretty good conference with the school, so I am really hoping that things will be better till the end of the year.

Today she still has a temperature of 103 and I have to go to work. I have a call into the doc to see if we can get in today… but haven’t heard anything back yet. UGH. She is with my step dad today, so I am very thankful for that!!

I finally got a hold of baby girls father today and ggrrr. I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him. I told him she was still sick and said it would really be nice if he could take a day off work to be with his daughter. And he said he can’t afford it. Hhhmmm.. but apparently I can. I seriously wouldn’t be too upset if I never had to speak or think of that man ever again in my life.

I don’t know. I am just so depressed lately. I have no motivation. I feel like other than my kids…I feel like my life is pointless. I live day to day.. just in blah. Going through the motions of every day life but really don’t feel like I am going anywhere.. just spinning around on the hamster wheel. There are moments here and there where I feel like I might be able to get off this wheel… and then I stick my head out and bonk I am back into reality and realize I am stuck here… and I don’t know how to get off. I don’t know how to change anything. I dread getting up everyday. I dread going to work. I dread going home. When the phone rings I dread who’s calling. I am just frustrated at everything in my life right now and I don’t know how to change it. I have no motivation. I almost don’t care anymore. I have no goals. I have no desires.

I know God has a plan for my life… I can feel it. I know I have a purpose… I just can’t figure out what any of it is.

I think for the next few weeks I am going to be backing away from people and focusing on me… try to figure out my place…who I am and where I need to go. I need to pray. And even more so, I need to listen for God’s word in my heart, so I know where to go and who I am with HIM.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

wait.

2013-02-23T06:45:00.000-08:00

I havent been sleeping very well lately. I am not really sure why.. odd dreams... crazy feelings ... lower back pain when I sleep on my back... yet that is the way that I sleep the best in. Craziness!!!

This morning before I was fully away... I started to have this feeling of dread for the day. I don't really know why... Like already, I didnt like how the day was... but I got up and got the dogs up and outside for their morning business... and I stopped and realized how blessed I really am. God has been so good to me. Yea, I struggle almost daily with so many things... worry about bills, my kids, being a great parent, daughter, sister, friend.. but ya know what?? I am really blessed!!! I have two beautiful kids. I have a wonderful home. I have family and friends that love me so much.

I think i just need to realign my focus... which is a lot easier said than done. I am going to try and not focus so much on the things that I do not have... but stop and look at all the blessings that I do have!!

One thing I have learned about myself...that I love waking up to a clean house. Having a clean house just puts me at ease. When the house is cluttered and unorganized and there's junk everywhere, I feel out of it.. even if I am not at home, I still feel out of it. Like my world is the way my home is. I've tried to not care if my house is a mess...tell myself there is always tomorrow to clean it up, spend today with my kids. And even tho i do do that... I still in the back of my mind am thinking about my house and the mess. ugh. I need to get over that. God doesn't care about how my house looks... He cares about how my heart looks.

The devotional I read during my quiet time with God this morning was Isaiah 40:31.
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"

This was prefect for me today.. on the Proverbs31.org devotional for today instead of the word hope- their version said wait. Those who wait in the Lord will renew their strength. I feel like my life is a constant wait. Waiting for prayers to be answered. Waiting for a husband. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And its exhausting. I am focusing on the negative of it. I am focusing on what I am not getting, instead of thinking about that this time is being used to ready me for the answered prayers... its being used to ready me for something greater than just my prayers... during this time I need to focus on worshiping my Lord and not just demanding an answer to a prayer. I need to be thankful what where I am and who I am. I need to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life and not focus so much on what I do not have or what I want. The Lord is good!!!

Have a wonderful weekend!!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

2013-02-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

Its been way too long since I did a Realization Friday post. For those of you that have no idea what a Realization Friday is... well its when I gather up the things that I have come to realize for the week and post them on here... I also collect realization from my readers also. If you have a realization that you would like to send in, please email me at overthinkingmama@gmail.com. You realization will be posted anonymously, so don't feel shy or embarrassed by anything that you send in. :-)

So without further delay...

This week I have come to realize:

~ that I do not like pushy guys. Just because I give you 5mins of attention does not mean that we are meant to be, that we will be a happy couple or that we will be married.

~ that I am starting to have more days where I am just brutally honest about things. Its becoming harder and harder to keep my mouth shut.

~ that I am too nice at times.

~ I am easily discouraged.

~ that I give everyone at least one chance...even when I probably shouldn't.

~ that my son's school seriously frustrates me.

~ that even now after being divorced 7years... my ex husband still apologizes to me for things said when he's upset. :-)

~ that I don't want to date anymore. I am tired of all the bs... and I need to just focus on me, my babies, and my Lord.

~ that some people... just don't get me.

~ that some people do not understand the meaning of NO. lol.

Hope ya'll have had a good week. and have a great weekend!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

My Secret Closet

2013-02-19T14:01:00.001-08:00

I am starting a new site called My Secret Closet. Gently worn clothing at good prices. Please check it out and let your friends and family know too!! Its just in the beginning stages but I will be adding more every day!! :-)

www.mysecretclosetonline.com

Thank you all for you support!!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Nominated again!

2013-02-19T08:47:00.003-08:00

I believe this is the 3rd time I have been nominated for The Top 25 Single Mom Blogs on Circle of Moms! I am so honored!!!

Please take a moment to go vote for me!! :-)

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

strange dreams of the a.m.

2013-02-19T07:07:00.002-08:00

This morning, I had a dream that I went to a tattoo shop/convention or something to see a famous tattoo artist. That friend of mine wanted me to go for her to talk to him about getting a tattoo. She couldn't go for whatever reason.

So I go.. and first he shows me this dragon tattoo that he thinks would be perfect. First suggests placing it on my shoulder and then having it go down my arm. Then he suggests that I should have it on my left forearm, going around my wrist and its tail is in my palm.

Then I tell him that I want a half sleeve of flowers and a few other ideas I have... He then suggests a white lighthouse. And that has stuck in my head all morning... a white lighthouse. So of course, I look up the meanings of everything.

Lighthouse

To see a lighthouse in your dream indicates that you are seeking guidance during a difficult and tumultuous time.

White
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life.�Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. Or it may refer to a cover-up. In Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.

Tattoo
To dream that you have tattoos represent your sense of individuality and the desire to stand out in a crowd. You want to be unique and different from everybody else, particularly if you do not have any tattoos in real life. Consider also what the tattoo is and what significance it has in your life. It may represent something that has left a lasting impression on you. Alternatively, to dream that you have a tattoo suggests that a waking situation or decision is having a much longer lasting effect that you had expected.

To dream that you are getting a dragon tattoo on your wrist implies that you are looking for attention. You want to be acknowledged and awarded for your efforts and positive actions.

And this is what I found... though I didn't actually see the lighthouse. But a white lighthouse tattoo was very prodominate in the dream.

I guess we shall see... :-)

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Self Image

2013-02-18T09:38:00.000-08:00

As a human, normal girl, in today’s society, we 99% of the time, have a distorted picture of ourselves. When we look in the mirror most of the time, we don’t see a beautiful girl looking back. We find the flaws of our creation. The scars, the bags under our eyes, the extra fluffiness here and there, the tiny breasts, the too big breasts, the stretch marks, scars, any and all imperfections.

I am no different. I struggle with my self image. Every. Day. And to try and control my insecurity, I color my hair, I cut my hair, put makeup on, get tattoos, tan, exersise, diet, anything that I think will make me look better… make me feel better about myself.

But in reality- when it comes down to it, NOTHING I do will make me prettier. All the makeup in the world, will not make me feel better about myself… it will give me a momentary pleasure, a momentary dilusion that I am beautiful, but tomorrow that feeling will be gone.

I have friends that struggle every day with their self image. Feeling they are too fat, ugly, too skinny, not this, not that- essentially no guy would want them. They are nothing. They look at me like I have it good. I have a good body. I am pretty. I don’t have an issue with getting a guy. They don’t understand when I say I don’t like my body. I don’t like my hair. I can’t get a guy. I look at them like they are crazy.

I am no different than anyone else. I feel like I can improve myself A LOT.

I look into the mirror and I see the stretch marks, the cellulite, the grey hairs, the muffin top. I see so much that I would love to have "lifted, or tucked, or just sucked out"...

But reality is, this is me.

I am learning to love me.

Some days are better than others.

But everyday, I am waking up and I am going to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful and eventually, hopefully, I will completely believe it.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

*this is a post I started writing a year ago, that I just found... lol.