Ozjokes.com

Knickers

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:11:37 -0500

A wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At the odd moment she crosses her legs ... just enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"

"Yes," she answers, seductively.

"Thank goodness for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"

Farm Life

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 08:25:46 -0500

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer. "Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfuls.

Bristol Zoo

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:02:19 -0500

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.

There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...!!

Apples and Wine

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 11:26:58 -0500

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

High School Prank

Wed, 20 May 2009 10:53:57 -0500

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Voice Recognition

Sun, 03 May 2009 19:05:36 -0500

If the Enterprise had voice recognition

All Star Trek fans know the voice-activated computer on the USS Enterprise, especially Jean-Luc Picard's famous "Earl Grey, hot" request for tea. But what if the Enterprise was equipped with voice-recognition software based on current technology?

PICARD: Computer.

COMPUTER: [chirp] Welcome to the USS Enterprise Voice Recognition System. If you know the extension of the person you'd like to call, please say it now. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For access to records and documents, please say "records." For entertainment options, please say "entertainment." For
information on ship systems and diagnostics, please say, diagnostics." For the replicator, please say "replicator." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "diagnostics." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For--

PICARD: Replicator.

COMPUTER: You said "replicator." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: Thank you. Please state what you would like to replicate.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Whirled whey in a pot." Is that correct?

PICARD: What? No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl Grey, hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Pearl day, shot." Is that correct?

PICARD: No.

COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?

PICARD: Yes.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Earl...Grey...hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Girl gay, hot." I'm sorry, but we cannot replicate human beings. If you wish female companionship, please visit our lounge, Ten-Forward.

PICARD: I didn't say "girl gay," blast you.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.

PICARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Look, I want a cup of Earl Grey tea. And make it hot.

COMPUTER: You said, "Zero-four Blevin's rakes hook a font couple Curly May pee and naked hot." Is that correct?

PICARD: Oh, forget it. I'll just use a teapot.

Joking deckhand chokes to death on bait

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 13:28:51 -0500

LONG BEACH, Calif. (AP) — A charter boat deckhand trying to make a group of California schoolchildren laugh has choked to death on a bait fish he put in his mouth.

Capt. Dan Salas of the 55-foot Gail Force said Tuesday that deckhand Jeff Twaddle died last week off Long Beach in front of about 20 elementary school students from the Los Angeles area. He called it a "tragic freak accident."

Authorities say the 54-year-old longtime fisherman was trying to "make the students laugh" when he popped the fish in his mouth. It lodged in his throat and Twaddle quickly lost consciousness. He was pronounced dead at a hospital.

School officials sent a note to parents and were providing grief counselors for students.

Farmer Sutra

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:58:02 -0500

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

Murder at Woolworths

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 15:40:07 -0500

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

' ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS ! '

Cup of Tea

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 08:00:03 -0500

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"