The Sleeping Struggles

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 00:17:00 +0000

Breathing.

Something I think many take for granted. It comes to everyone so easily we sometimes forget it can be stopped at any moment. Cancer likes foreplay though, it never goes for the complete score right away. Whether it slowly grows in your shoulder like an alien. Or moves itself into prime real estate right next to a lung, that sounds just fantastic! Making sure, ALWAYS, that you know it's there. A cough, so simple, so harmless sounding for the most part. Then it drags on and doesn't get better. You naturally consider all other options in these moments. Even a pessimist of my caliber didn't think of cancer right off the cuff.

Then sleep gets more difficult as each week passes. Not finding a comfortable position to please my chest and throat. Sometimes sitting straight up from the retching cough that can't be stopped. You have to deal with it... sit with it. Accept it for what it is and be patient enough till it subsides. It always subsides, sometimes so much you consider maybe you're getting better. This is the queue when your chest heaves with pain. We aren't quite done yet as we prepare for the final act. One more fit of violence from the chest up through my throat. Each out-bursting cough sending waves of pressure from eyes to nutsack. This isn't quite the end yet for it needs to push it's limits. There it is - the cough that lingers on with no pause to catch my breath. I hope I can make it to a safe area to vomit. I really don't want to clean that up tonight after the show. Intermission is finally here and it's just enough to get to sleep.

I wonder if the show will be as thrilling tomorrow?

Thanks for reading and sincerely,
Casey

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Suffocating Bravery

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 16 Dec 2016 02:11:00 +0000

Overwhelmingly suffocating... That's the easiest way to describe the feeling. That feeling of trying to deal with typical adult shit while you try to decide how to deal with cancer. This becomes an even better mess when it gets harder and harder to work. There such a hilariously dark joke with the situation. You have to miss work to your life but there isn't enough PTO to cover it. Every company that needs you to pay a bill doesn't give a single fuck that you're dying. So you need to be strong enough to drag yourself to work. There is no secret to that- there is no easy way to go through this trial. These are the moments that you have to grit your teeth and just get it done Some call it bravery and some even call it heroic. There is nothing heroic about this and I don't feel brave. It's simply the act of surviving...

Pages of the Mind

The Sleeping Struggles

Suffocating Bravery