It’s entirely too easy to get distracted by side issues; the would-be martial artist wants to skip straight past the basics to where he learns how to break boards and beat people up, the cooking newbie obsesses about the perfect knife or whether he needs a food processor or a sous-vide appliance while he still hasn’t mastered basic prep.

In dating, we are often distracted – focusing on the perfect approach and opening line or how to get a one-night stand, for example – when our time is better spent learning the central concepts. After all, you need to learn to crawl before you run.

One of the keys to deconstructing a skill is to find and focus on the areas that cause people to stumble and fail. After all, it doesn’t do any good to spend your time learning bad habits that you will only have to unlearn later on.

“So have you gals ever taken the ‘best friends test’?”

But sometimes those sticking points aren’t where you think they are.

Worth noting (since somebody will bring it up in the comments) is that the mistakes that hold you back aren’t about technique (leaning in when talking to people, too much physical contact) or planning (forgetting to check logistics). The biggest mistakes are the ones in your head. Before you even approach someone or sit down at your first date, these are the problems that make dating so much more difficult than it needs to be

5) Stop Overthinking Things

One of the perils of being a geek is that we live in our own heads. We’re clever and we know it… and this is often a problem. You see, when you’re clever and you know it, you’re more likely to actually make things more complicated then they truly are.

We tend to assume that things are always more than they seem whether it’s an SAT question – “That comparison of cow is to goat as BLANK is to BLANK can’t just be because they’re land mammals… maybe it’s because they’re both domesticated and give milk… what else gives milk that we domesticated? Camels? Sheep?”  – to dating.

We have a hard time assuming that perhaps the most obvious answer is the right answer because we grew up believing that the obvious answer was a trap of some kind.  Clearly it’s too obvious, therefore there has to be something we’re not seeing…

“There’s no way she agreed to go out with me that easily. Something’s wrong…”

This is never more clear than when you see someone playing “Does she like me or not?” They start reading the tea leaves, examining a woman’s behavior as though it were the Zapruder film, looking for tiny clues that would give us insight into what she really means when she says she’s busy that weekend.

This causes many people no end of anxiety, especially those who are worried about being creepy by accident. They become so  caught up in trying to find even the most minute sign of discomfort that they end up being unable to relax and actually interact with her.

Same with knowing when and how to approach someone. The only real approach invitation one needs is a genuine smile, but many guys treat approaching a woman as though they were trying to make a carrier landing – look for hair flipping, the look-away-look back AND the head nod, now call the ball….

“Permission to buzz the shot bar.”
“Negative, Ghost Rider. Pattern is full.”

This can cause problems even on dates: what did it mean when she declined another drink? She paused a few seconds longer when she was talking about her hobbies… is she wishing she were somewhere else? With someone else? She keeps bringing up her ex – does she mean that she wishes I were more like her ex? 

I’ve gotten letters from people who have asked women out on dates – dates that women said yes to – and want me to dissect everything she said or did because there has to be more to it than she thinks they’re fun and wants to go on a date with them.

As a general rule of thumb, people say what they mean. They’re not trying to hide their real feelings and you don’t have to be a master poker-player to find their tells. Unless they’re trying to usurp the throne of Westeros, people aren’t cloaking their true intentions in subterfuge and guile.

Yes, there are assholes out there. There can be times when social conditioning – especially on the part of women – means that they will try to be sparing of somebody’s feelings. But the vast majority of the time, the correct answer is the obvious answer.

 4) Stop Playing Games

This is one of my pet-peeves: people who think that the keys to dating are complicated mind-games and arbitrary rules. I split the blame between the pick-up industry (for men) and old-fashioned cultural bullshit like The Rules (for women) for perpetuating the idea that dating is more complicated than whether or not you like someone else and want to pursue a relationship with them.

The PUA industry, for example, gives the idea that women are hypergamous status-seekers who have pre-rejected men; men have to jump through hoops in order to prove that they are worth dating… and even then, women are always looking for reasons to trade in their current boyfriend for a newer, shinier model. Through social proof, compliance ladders, mind games, strategic negging¹ to establish your status above hers, you can convince a woman that you’re not only the new shiny model but she should be seeking your approval.

Y’know.

Instead of treating her like a person and getting to know her.

Some schools within the industry take it to a darker, more psychotic place where men should be manipulative as possible, the better to keep her constantly insecure in the relationship and unsure of her standing; after all, if she’s never sure if she’s done something wrong, she’ll be that much more eager to please you. Keep her off-balance and you’ve got your own love slave.

Then there are other cultural ideas like the three days rule (popularized by Swingers): the idea that you shouldn’t call a girl for three days after you got her number for fear of appearing too eager.

The Rules plays its own counterpoint to the misogyny that’s all too present in PUA society; it deals in slut-shaming bullshit and old-fashioned ideals with rules like “Never call first and rarely return his calls”, “don’t see him more than once or twice a week” or “no sex before exclusivity”. After all, to be too accessible or to be willing to own your sexuality means that men won’t respect you, missy.

All of these games and arbitrary rules take getting to know someone and finding out whether you’d be interested in a relationship with them – whether sexual or romantic (or both!) – and turn it into a campaign of manipulativeness and dishonesty. It means that not only are you entering into this interaction in bad faith – after all, you’re not presenting your true self – but that you’re so insecure that you can’t allow yourself to be honest or vulnerable. Moreover, it implies that you see relationships as inherently antagonistic, where only the better games-player “wins”.

Small wonder you’re having dating problems if this is your attitude.

The best thing you can do when you’re interested in someone is to be your best, most authentic self, not what you think you need to be.

3) Take Responsibility

This is something I see far, far too often amongst men: the belief that they’re helpless victims in a cold universe; poor hapless players in a game where the deck is stacked against them. It’s not their fault; women are too bitchy or demanding or only date X guys ² or some other reason why they should be absolved of responsibility for their lack of success. 

I get the appeal. I mean, shit, I was one of those guys for an embarrassingly long time.

A dramatic recreation of what I was like whenever anyone tried to tell me what I was doing wrong.

But it’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s a way of deflecting the truth and protecting yourself from the fact that you are the sum total of all of your choices in life, both good and bad. No matter how much you wish you could blame it on something, anything else.

It’s great when you can blame everything on someone else; women only like assholes, women are crazy, they can’t appreciate nice guys like you, it’s not your fault. But at the end of the day, the thing that every rejection, breakup and heartbreak has in common… is you.

This doesn’t mean that you’re just some loser or creep who deserves to be alone, but it does mean that you need to examine what you’re doing. Sometimes it’s a case of things you’re doing wrong – you’re coming across as too needy or being too sexual too quickly. Sometimes it’s a matter of the choices you make; you may be pursuing women that you’re not suited for or who aren’t suited for you. Sometimes it’s a matter of lifestyle or even a matter of your personality. At which point you have a choice: do you continue to just wail about the unfairness of life… or do you accept that you and you alone are responsible for your life and take control in order to make things better? 

Are you going just suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune – to quote the Bard³ – take up arms against a sea of unending troubles and by opposing, end them?

Sure, sometimes shit happens that’s out of your control – you get laid off from your job, your girlfriend suddenly dumps you out of the blue because she’s decided to pursue her dream of living in Williamsburg and starting a throat-singing folk band, a meteor falls out of the sky and destroys your house.

That sucks. But you can either whine or you can do something about it.

If you don’t take responsibility for your life, you can’t control it. You can’t blame all of your failures on God, the Universe and everything and still take credit for your successes.

So you can accept responsibility for your failures in your dating life or you can never get better. Your choice.

2) Set Firm Boundaries

A lot of socially inexperienced guys, especially those who have low self-esteem, have a hard time setting boundaries. These are the people who let others walk all over them, who constantly put other people’s needs ahead of their own, who are always balls-deep in drama.

It can be hard to feel as though you deserve to be respected, to be willing to take a stand and say “No, this is not my responsibility” when others try to shift it onto you. When you don’t feel as though you have anything to offer, or that you don’t have a right to refuse others, it’s difficult to draw a hard line and say “This far, no farther”.

Being overly obliging is actually an incredibly common way people try to get others to like them. In theory, it seems obvious: do nice things for people and they’ll appreciate you. In practice, it’s quite the opposite; when you don’t respect yourself enough to say “no”, then others won’t respect you. After all, you’re telling them that you have nothing else to offer.

Not having strong boundaries leaves you vulnerable to manipulative assholes, passive-aggressive victims and emotionally abusive shitbags.

“I THOUGHT I smelled the stench of self-respect!”

I should know. My weak boundaries left me stuck in an emotionally abusive and life-draining relationship for years. Being able to stand up for yourself and demand that people respect your limits and wishes speaks to confidence and, critically, will help ensure that you aren’t being pathetically needy in an attempt to get people to like you.

1) Stop Thinking It’s All About You.

Here’s what a lot of people don’t realize: you’re not the only one freaking out about dating. Everybody else is too.

A date isn’t a competition or an audition for a role, it’s a way of getting to know somebody. You’re not trying to prove something or meet some arbitrary and random standard to prove yourself worthy of a second date, of sex, of a relationship; you’re trying to form a connection with another person.

Every single date you’ve ever gone on, you’ve been sitting across (or next to) someone who is just as nervous and just as anxiety-ridden as you are. They’re sitting there wondering what you’re thinking, cringing inside as they made a joke they’re convinced just fell flat, worrying that they’ve got something between their teeth, wondering what that pause in your story meant, praying that their hair looks ok, that their dress doesn’t look as bad on them as they imagine it does and that you’re not going to think that they’re some crazy, creepy loser.

Just like you are.

You know why?

Because your date wants everything to go well just as badly as you do.

People don’t go on dates with folks they don’t like⁴, they go out with people they like and want to get to know.

If she said “yes” when you asked her out, you’re half-way there! You already know that she’s interested in you and wants to get to know you better. All you have to do is relax and let her know you are the cool, funny, charming person she’s been hoping to meet.

When you’re so caught up in your own anxieties and worries that you think that every date is a referendum on you as a person, it’s going to come out in your behavior, in your body language and in the way you speak. You need to be willing to realize that she’s right there with you. She’s cheering you on. She wants to like you and she wants you to like her, too.

Take a deep breath. Accept that you’re nervous and that’s ok. So’s she. Accept that things can get awkward.

Accept that she wants to be there.

Stop making the mistake that you’re the only one who’s freaking out inside.

You’re both hoping for the same thing.

“You’re all clear kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!”

Relax. You’ve got this.

1. If I could remove one concept out of the dating scene, negging would be it
2. where X= some value of “not me”
3. It never fails. Scratch an English major, get a Shakespeare reference.
4. Yes there are assholes out there who are just out for sex, obligation, pity, free dinners, whatever. These are the exception, not the rule

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2013. | Permalink | del.icio.us

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You may have noticed that Paging Dr. NerdLove has been having a lot of downtime and connectivity issues. Unfortunately, this has been an ongoing problem with the webhost, and lately it’s seemed as though it’s getting worse. So we’re moving. I’ll be migrating the blog, the forum and all attendant bits to it’s new, more stable home. In order to keep from losing any articles, comments or forum posts, everything is going into read-only mode until the migration is complete. I’ll switch everything back on as soon as things are ready to go. Aside from that, you shouldn’t notice any substantial disruptions in the blog. There may be some glitches as the DNS change propagates, but hopefully we’ll keep the disruption to a bare minimum.

The migration should be complete by Friday evening at the latest.

Thanks for your patience, everyone. See ya’ll on the other side.

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Quick backstory first – I was recently attending a wedding reception with a (fully platonic) female acquaintance when we stopped off at a nearby shop to get some supplies. I was already preoccupied with the prospect of seeing a longtime former crush (that had gone very sour) at said reception, so my thoughts were perhaps elsewhere when the following went down:

My friend was exiting the car when she lightly bumped my car door against the adjacent vehicle. The woman passenger in the other car reacted angrily, my friend smiled and said sorry, but for whatever reason Angry Passenger immediately flew off the handle even more. Maybe it was my Platonic Friend’s dressed up appearance (she had her hair did, makeup, posh accent etc.), maybe Angry Passenger was just in that kinda mood. Anyway.

Passenger carried on shouting, Friend started having to shout back, and for instinctual impulses I have yet to comprehend, I was frozen behind the steering wheel. Maybe my brain was too slow to cotton onto this turning nasty, maybe I’m just a cowardly sort, maybe I (rightly) felt that Platonic was perfectly capable of taking care of herself (she often describes herself as an ‘alpha female’). Passenger then got out of her car and tried to grab my car door, as if to haul Platonic out into the car park and start attacking her. Finally coming to my senses, I tried to get Platonic to shut the door so I could lock it and drive away. I think that’s what happened next – it’s all still a blur – but end result is we locked the door, reversed onto the road and sped away.

Once clear, Platonic went ballistic at me for not leaping to her defence the moment things went south. I had no answer. I can’t explain why I didn’t react – for the reasons above – but what I quickly spiralled into was a pretty dark mood as I mercilessly tore myself to shreds alongside the tongue-lashing Platonic was dishing out. All sorts of ugly thoughts filled my head – I was weak, cowardly, spineless, pathetic, I wouldn’t leap in front of a flying bullet for someone (to quote my man Morrissey).

Eventually the dust settled but I feel my relationship with Platonic has been irrevocably shifted by that incident. Why does this bother me? There’s no question of me trying to win her over – it’s a thankfully ‘safe’ friendship in that regard – it’s more her points hitting home about why I didn’t valiantly hulk out and wade in fists a’ flyin’. She recently brought this incident back up again and mentioned the telling phrase ‘women need to know their man can protect them’. This has caused me great personal conflict. Would I be the kind of guy who’d step up if my lady was threatened? Is that required behaviour? Do all women expect this kind of fearless, brazen protectiveness of their women in the face of any danger?

Platonic mentioned one friend’s boyfriend who ‘practically started crying’ when they were mugged a while ago, and how that didn’t seem to phase the girlfriend. But is that acceptable? Will the girl forever lose respect for her partner that can never be won back until an opportunity for some other feat of swashbuckling fortitude comes along, as if it’s a test he must succeed to prove he deserves his testosterone? 

So, in a nutshell, the question is thus – should me be expected to thoughtlessly risk life and limb to protect their loved ones, and is this a quality women universally expect in their men? And if the man fails to prove his mettle, will the woman’s opinion of him be forever damaged as a result?

Yours flexingly,

ZeroGeek

I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that that your question is going to prompt a lot of interesting conversations in the comments section.

There’re a couple different issues at play here, ZG.

Let’s start with how you reacted: you didn’t leap out of the car as soon as the passenger started yelling. This is actually good; the last thing you needed was to antagonize or provoke someone who’s already pissed off. Platonic yelling back, on the other hand, was a dumb move – the woman’s pissed off already, yelling at her’s just going to make things worse. Ever watch a cop handle a rowdy drunk? The smart ones stay calm, speak slowly and firmly; they keep control of the situation by being in control.     Getting angry, yelling and making threats only serves to escalate the situation. So right of the bat, your friend fucked up and made a volatile situation worse.

Next: Passenger got out of the car and tried to haul your door open. Again: the worst thing you could do here is actually, y’know, get out of the car. You’re safe there, and it’s pretty obvious that Passenger isn’t looking to exchange contact numbers and insurance information to handle the door ding. Judging from your spelling and vernacular, you’re from the UK, so the odds that Passenger had a gun are pretty remote, but she could very well have had a knife or a bludgeon or other weapon. Whether she did or didn’t, you’re looking at a potential fight in the parking lot – again, something you would be wise to avoid unless necessary. So yeah, locking the car and driving off is the better idea. Calling the cops may well have been wiser still, but hey, shit happens.

So let’s get this clear: you didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, you did the right thing: you got the fuck out of there.

Why did you freeze up? Well, it’s a fun bit of human physiology that when we’re in danger, our adrenal glands go into overdrive, spitting adrenaline into our systems and giving us extra strength and energy for fight or flight. The problem is, however, that if you’re not used to it, what’s entirely more likely is that you’re going to freeze. After all, back when we were apes on the savannah, many of our predators were attracted to motion; freezing up is one way of trying to keep it from noticing you instead of the gazelle down the way. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily help when you’ve got 190 lbs of crazy getting ready to slam the back of your favorite head into the pavement. Your body doesn’t size up whether you’re in a bar fight or you just heard a tiger in the grass behind you, it just reacts.

Moreover, that adrenal dump has other effects that seem counterproductive at the time. Your throat constricts, so it’s hard to speak or yell. You’re suddenly paying attention to so much sensory input (“WAIT. DID I JUST HEAR A TIGER? WHERE DID THAT SOUND COME FROM? I DON’T SEE ANYTHING. IS IT BEHIND ME?”) that you’re easily overloaded by sensation. Martial artists, firefighters, EMTs, soldiers and cops – anyone who deals with fights or crisis situations really – have to train extensively to overcome that freeze response. They drill over and over again so that their response – block, dodge, charge into the fire, draw their nightstick or gun, etc. – becomes muscle memory and they can move on automatic until they’re more in control. They train in order to get used to the adrenaline response and to be  able to direct it as needed. So you’re not  a coward, ZG; you’re human, same as everyone else and you had a perfectly human reaction to a fucked up situation.

Now as for your friend ripping into you – that shit’s pretty much uncalled for. Things went south because Platonic made things worse. By getting pissed off and yelling at the woman in the other car, she escalated a situation that maybe could have been defused if she’d kept calm. This wasn’t a sudden and unavoidable ambush – a mugger stepping out from the shadows, say. This is her getting mad at you because you didn’t valiantly offer to beat someone up in a situation she created. In other words: in her twisted-ass world, she’s expecting you to be the heavy when her mouth starts writing checks her ass can’t cash.

You did come to her defense: you got her the fuck out of there before things could get worse. That’s the best thing you could have done. Picking an unnecessary fight would have ended with people getting hurt (quite likely you two) and the bonus possibility of assault charges and an ASBO for everybody. If she doesn’t appreciate that, then she’s a goddamn idiot.

Why did she go ballistic at you afterwards? Well, likely because after you guys got away, she realized she was terrified and lashed out at you because she’s angry about being scared. Easier to blame you for not magically making things better – presumably by staving some rando’s head in – than to admit a) she fucked up and b) she’s almost pissing herself in fear. She keeps at it because from the sounds of things, she’s the sort of person who can’t stand having been seen in a moment of weakness and now she’s trying to put it all on you.

Now, this is bothering you because you’re feeling emasculated. I don’t blame you. The idea that men are supposed to be macho, chest-thumping, two-fisted tough guys is pretty well embedded in the culture. We all like to think we’re action heroes waiting for the right moment, but we never really know how we’re going to react to imminent danger until it happens. And when it did happen… you froze. So instead of having that action-hero, crouching moron-hidden badass moment you always imagined, you ended up unable to move and it feels like you’ve been tested and you failed.

Except… you didn’t. You kept her safe despite her best efforts and got out of there unharmed.  But that’s not  what you picture John McClain or Peter Parker or Frank Dux to have done, and thus you’re feeling weak.

But you know what? It happens to all of us. There was a point when my last moments were very nearly me in the back of a car screaming like a little girl.¹

Your asshole friend giving you constant shit and telling you how unmanly you are isn’t helping. How do you handle this feeling? Well to start with, tell your friend to piss off already. She claims to be mad at you for not hauling her ass in the way she wanted out of a fire she started. In reality, she’s upset because she was scared and you saw her – a self-proclaimed alpha female – in a moment of weakness and fear. So this is her problem, not yours.

Now, I would recommend studying martial arts. Not, mind you, because you need to learn how to be Billy Bad-Ass, but because it will teach you discipline. It’ll help you get a feeling of control back without feeling as though you need to throw down to do it. It’ll help you get used to moments of panic and adrenaline dumps so that you can handle them the next time you’re in a crisis situation. It’ll help you learn how and when to react on instinct. And – importantly – a good martial arts teacher will teach you that the best fights are the ones you avoid. Just like you did this time.

Does every woman need her man to be Batman, waiting to pounce on those who would do her harm? No, not really. In fact, in my social circles, most of the women would be insulted by the idea that they couldn’t save their own damn selves if the need arose; guard their backs, sure but don’t assume that they need or want a protector. Being able to protect your friends and loved ones is an attraction switch for many women but it’s not the switch, nor is it universal. After all, your friend even mentions a guy who broke down during a mugging and his girlfriend wasn’t phased or disgusted by him.

Should you be willing to spring to action with violence? Probably not, to be perfectly honest. While I don’t subscribe to the idea that violence is never the answer, it’s not always the right or best answer. Women don’t expect their significant others to be super-heroes. Being able to keep your head in a chaotic or dangerous situation – even if you’re practically soaked in fear-pee – is much more attractive than some meathead who wades in, fists a’flailin’ whenever somebody shoots their mouth off.

1. In my defense, an elephant was charging us – long story – but still: not diving out of the car. Not trying to manfully throw the car into reverse and drive out of the way. Sitting in the back. Screaming. With a friend of mine telling me to shut up because I was distracting her from the elephant.

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2013. | Permalink | del.icio.us

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Dating is complicated.

Now, before you roll your eyes at me and reach for the “back” button on your browser, let me explain where I’m going with this.

The components of dating – where to meet people, how to get to know them off a cold or warm approach the different aspects of attraction, even how to act on dates can seem pants-shittingly intimidating. After all, when you’re socially inexperienced, how are you supposed to keep all of this in mind and talk to your date and still have a good time and secure that next date and and…

It’s the human equivalent of telling an AI “this statement is false”.

Now I understand that trying to absorb and apply all of that information can seem overwhelming and conflicting. In fact, the point Anatomy Lesson and Nerd Role Model articles is to show how everything ties together by providing concrete examples.

Even so, it’s entirely possible to psych yourself out and convince yourself that it’s all too complicated and difficult to keep in mind. So let’s dial things back a little.

One of the best ways to pick up a new skill is to, simply, break it down. Strip out the extraneous parts and just focus on the core. You can work outwards from there as you become more at ease.

So let’s simplify dating a little, shall we?

Catching The Ball Or: Stop Overthinking It

I often compare dating to catching a ball that’s been tossed to you. You watch the ball, you reach up, catch it, maybe through it back. Easy-peasy, right?

“Yeah. Real damn easy, Doc.”

Except when you think about it… it’s really not. You’re doing insanely high level math in nanoseconds, in your goddamn head. You’re having to calculate the trajectory of the ball, measure it’s velocity, factor in wind resistance, the parabola of its falling arc relative to your position all in 3D space. Then you have to gauge your own reaction time relative to the ball’s presumed target, position yourself to catch the ball, extend your arm precisely so as to catch it without injuring yourself or swatting the ball out of the way instead and then do all of those calculations in reverse in order to throw it back.

This is the sort of shit NASA needs super-computers for and you’re doing it without even thinking consciously. But when you start thinking about all the complexities involved… suddenly you can’t do it anymore.

Ever want to screw up somebody’s putt on the golf-course? Ask them if they inhale on the backswing. The moment you start overthinking something is the moment you find that you can’t do it.

There are four stages of learning a skill: Unconscious Incompetence, Conscious Incompetence, Conscious Competence and Unconscious Competence. That is, you’re unaware of what it takes to do something, you’re aware that can’t do it, you know what you need to do but you have to think it through and then finally, being able to do something as naturally as breathing.

It’s like walking; we don’t think about everything it takes to walk – the constantly shifting our balance, spacing our feet etc. because we have achieved unconscious competence. As infants, though we started off unaware that walking was even a thing; we barely had gross motorskills down. But then we started to realize that walking was something we wanted to do… but we didn’t know how. Through practice – pulling ourselves up on things, taking those first few stumbling steps, we started to learn through trial and error. Before too long, we start being able to walk like it ain’t no thing and it becomes a part of our muscle memory. But when you try to intellectualize the process, it makes you all the more conscious of what you’re doing and thus overwhelms you.

Thus the problem with overthinking. By overthinking about that putt, that footstep catching that ball or  going on that date¹, you’re moving backwards in the skill states.

So in order to avoid overthinking, you want to simplify matters as much as possible.

When it comes to simplifying dating, this means putting your focus on certain key areas – the areas where people fuck up the most often. Master these aspects of dating improvement and you’ll find you’re already ahead of the pack.

Be Imperfect

If there is one area where the most people seem to screw themselves over in dating, it’s that they let themselves obsess about everything. When you hear “obsession”, the mind often jumps to oneitis - and yes, getting hung up on the belief that this person or that person is The One is going to hold you back in dating. However, it’s more than just about any particular individual. This tendency to obsess shows up in all aspects of dating.

I have lost track of how many people have written to me in a panic, believing that some little detail has totally derailed their date or their relationship. They beat themselves up over the fact that they weren’t absolutely perfect on their first, second or even third date with their particular snugglebunny. They become so focused on the end goal that they believe that anything other than getting 100% is going to condemn them to failure.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH! DO IT AGAIN!

Except… that’s not how dating works.

It’s a common misconception that dating is somehow a competition against every person your date has ever gone out with. If you don’t somehow outshine the studliest of the Studly GoodNights in her life then you’re doomed to be given the dreaded LJBF speech and being sent back home alone to cry and masturbate to increasingly fucked up porn.

Here’s the shocking secret: you’re not. Yeah, everybody has a past. Everybody has people they’ve dated before and some of them may or may not be handsomer, richer, taller, better in bed or just all-around better than you in some way shape or form. But your date isn’t with them right now. They’re here. With you. And all you need to do is just be good enough.

Perfection is for pianos, where the slightest flaw or miscalibration can ruin the whole instrument. You’re not dating a piano, you’re dating a person who is just as flawed and fucked up as you are. When you let perfection become the enemy of the good, you end up sabotaging your own progress. Your own expectations make things harder.

When you’re convinced that you’re just one ill-timed sneeze or bad joke away from having your date bail out on you like Maverick ejecting from an F-15,  you’re not going to have fun. That, in turn is going to reflect in your behavior – you’re going to be tense and nervous, uptight and hyper-aware of everything. You’re going to make your date tense and uncomfortable because you’re tense and uncomfortable and that in and this can rapidly become an inescapable downward spiral of suck.

So stop worrying about perfection. Embrace that things are going to go wrong or weird. You’re probably going to fart a little too audibly. But that’s ok because your date is likely going to snort when she laughs or accidentally fling her appetizer across the room. You’re going to make a joke that falls flat, your date will inadvertently make a sexual innuendo thats going to sound incredibly obscene and then the waiter is going to bring the wrong entree and both of you are going to have the embarrassing question of “Do you send it back and risk looking high-maintenance or do you just eat something you really didn’t want?”

The key is just to accept that it happened and move on instead of dwelling on it or letting something stupid define the rest of your evening. Here’s your mantra: if you don’t treat it like a big deal, they won’t treat it like a big deal. Shrug, blush a little, move on. There are more important things to worry about.

Even if you’re dating Christina Hendricks or Kerry Washington or Taylor Swift, you don’t have to be some hero from a cheesy romance-novel come to sweep her off her feet and take her on a night that she’s never known. All that you need is for the two of you to have fun together. If she enjoys hanging out with you and the way that she feels when she’s with you, she’s going to want to see you again… even if you spent the last ten minutes with a piece of spinach wedged between your teeth.

Be Outcome Independent

This can seem a little counter-intuitive; after all, the whole point of dating is the outcome.

But then, focusing on that outcome is often the problem in the first place. The idea that “you find love when you’re not looking for it” one of the most annoying non-answers in advice-giving, because it’s so goddamn vague and smugly unhelpful. It sounds like it’s saying one thing – stop trying and then let Fate/God/The Force/whatever do the work for you – but what it’s really saying is that you shouldn’t let yourself get so hung up on the end goal that you let it overwhelm everything else in dating… including actually connecting with the person you’re on a date with.

Dating with an end-goal in mind ends up being a living incarnation of Xeno’s Paradox; you’re always moving forward, but ultimately you’re not getting any closer to where you want to be.

It’s better instead to enjoy the journey rather than constantly trying to see whether or not you’re any closer to your goal, whether that goal is finding your One True Love² or trying to get more sex. It’s a great way to psych yourself out; if you treat each date as your shot at the big money, you’re setting yourself up with overwhelming expectations that only end up disappointing you. It plays into the scarcity mentality that insists that each “failed” date (for suitably personal definitions of failure) is one step closer to being Forever Alone.

Even when you’re just putting all of your focus on a smaller goal like “getting a second date”, this not only puts an incredible amount of pressure on you – and your date -  but you end up focusing on “What do I have to do to get you to go out with me again” instead of “who is this person and what’s cool about them?”

“Hey it’s me. I know we just said good night but I was wondering: how soon do you think is TOO soon to talk about being exclusive? …Hello?”

When you’re outcome independent – when you don’t worry about how the night is going to end – then you’re actually liberated to enjoy yourself. You can spend less time worrying about whether there’s a chance at a second date or getting laid tonight or if you’re doing X, Y or Z right and more time just enjoying your time together. Your goal shouldn’t be about trying to figure out whether or not you’re talking to your future spouse (or your future 10 minutes of squishy noises and post-coital cigarettes), it should just be on connecting with them and getting to know them. Flirt just because flirting is fun. Tell stories not because you’re trying to show that you’re long-term relationship material but because sometimes cool shit happens and it’s fun to share that with other people.

It’s part of having an abundance mentality; when you know that there will be others, you’re not so invested in the outcome. When you’re not invested in the outcome, you’re free to relax and take things as they come. If things go well, then great! If the date doesn’t lead anywhere… that’s ok. You still met someone cool and had a good time, maybe even learned a little about yourself that can help you later on. You don’t beat yourself up that you didn’t “get” the girl – whether for sex, another date, or a steady relationship – because hey, you weren’t trying to “get” anything. You met up with someone, you had some drinks and a couple laughs. That sounds like a pretty good night to me.

Be Present

A word about time. Most people assume that time is linear when in reality it’s a little more wibbly-wobbly….stuff.

Wait. Where’ve I heard that before?

“Don’t blink. Blink and you’re dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t blink. Good Luck.”

More to the point: the past is over and the future never comes. We are only ever in the “now”.

But so few of us live in the “now”. We spend too much time hung up in the past and letting it bleed into our present or sacrificing our present in the name of some imagined future that may never happen.

Confused? Stick with me for a moment.

We rarely let the past just be the past. We hold on to it, we replay it over and over again, we castigate ourselves for it and sometimes we try to edit it into what we really wanted to happen. Because we hold on to the past so tightly, we let it color our present. We don’t learn from it, mind you; we just drag our old traumas, fears and regrets around with us in our day to day lives, letting them inform everything we do. Had a bad experience with a woman in the past? If you let that experience be the barometer for every interaction you have with a woman from that point on, you’re cheating yourself out of some of the greatest times of your life, simply because you don’t want to let a wound close and fade away.

I should know. I lost several relationships because I kept holding on to old hurts, letting them haunt me like ghosts. I had a bad experience and spent every future relationship always on the lookout for a repeat… which would inevitably happen because focusing on the past is a damn good way to make it happen again. I couldn’t enjoy myself in the moment because I was too afraid of what had happened before. I kept waiting for that shoe to drop and when it did – because my focus on it affected my behavior which in turn affected my girlfriend’s behavior – it only reinforced my obsession with that past fear.

It could be anything: a girlfriend who lied to you and cheated on you. Your old identity as a dateless loser, lurking just under the surface, daring everyone around you to see it and call you a fraud. A girl who broke your heart because she didn’t love you the way you loved her. Anything. Carrying those fossilized hurts and spectral fears with you doesn’t help; it only ever keeps you from appreciating what you have now.

Similarly, obsessing about the future takes you away from the present. It’s an extension of being outcome independent; being overly focused on the future, whether it’s the next date or rest of your lives together leaves you unable to enjoy the present.

It’s an extension of being outcome independent; being overly focused on the future, whether it’s the next date or the rest of your lives together, leaves you unable to enjoy the present. One of my best friends can’t do anything without anticipating every possible thing that’s going to metaphorically bite her in the ass. She likes to “borrow” trouble, even when there isn’t any to be had. Small wonder, then, that most of her relationships are short and turbulent; when you’re always expecting problems, you’ll inevitably find them.

You need to focus on the “now”. You can learn from your past mistakes – the better not to make them again – but let go of them when you do. You can hope for the future, even invest in it, but you need to be willing to let the future take care of itself.

When you’re focused on being present, you’re able to enjoy things as they are. You don’t let yourself worry about all the myriad ways that you’ve done things wrong before. You don’t obsess about what’s going to happen next. You just let yourself be in the moment, taking things as they come. Later on you can do the post-game analysis and figure out how to do things better.

For right now though: There is no future. There is no past. There is only this moment right here, right now and you’re ignoring it.

Learn to embrace your experiences now and you’ll be avoiding one of the single most common sticking points people have in dating.

1. See, I told you it would all come around
2. Disclaimer: there is no One…

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2013. | Permalink | del.icio.us

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It can feel so unfair when some people just glide through life, attracting women the way that cheese attracts mice while others have to struggle to build that desirability. Moreover, attraction can seem overwhelmingly complex at times – the questions of how much of attraction is physical rather than emotional attraction, how much good looks count versus personality and so forth. There are so many variables that it can be hard to keep it all straight in your head, especially when you’ve grown up holding onto the belief that only certain guys get the girls.

It’s interesting to note, however, that there are plenty of characters in pop culture whose appeal transcends their looks. In fact, their desirability is based about who they are as a whole person rather than just whether they have dreamy eyes or glamorous hair.

Or 99% of their acting range consists of “the smolder”.

They may have weird faces or large noses, too many teeth or freaky ears… but they still inspire a level of passion that the Dirk Chestmeat casting of the CW can’t match.

We’re talking about someone  who is romantic without being sappy, sexy without being sexualized. Someone who isn’t conventionally attractive yet has launched a thousand ‘ships¹ inspired more cosplays than any other single character and set fangirl’s hearts a-flutter around the world…

I give you:

The Doctor

The Coming Storm. The Last of the Time Lords. The Madman in a Box. A savior and the greatest threat the universe has ever known.  And over the last decade or so (depending on whether you want to count Paul McGann), he’s been one of the most popular figures in geek culture.

What makes things interesting is that his popularity began to take off as he was given more of a romantic and sexual edge. Hard core fans may have objected when the Eighth Doctor kissed Dr. Holloway, but those first signs of amorous feelings for a companion would be part of what made the relationship of the Doctor with his companions so compelling… and it made him more attractive, no matter which face he happened to be wearing. Part of what makes the Doctor an interesting character for the Nerd Role Model series is that his looks are practically secondary to the character, thanks to his having been played by so many different actors. David Tennant is undeniably conventionally good looking, but Christopher Eccleston and Matt Smith both have their passionate fans.

Eccleston, Tennant and Smith respectively

The face may change, but it’s the core of his personality – especially in the Davis/Moffat era²  - that remains the same. The modern Doctor’s appeal is rooted in his character rather than his cheekbones or floppy hair or flair for New Romantic dandyism that Adam Ant would’ve killed for.

“It’s the cravat. Ladies love the cravat.”

While the details of his personality may differ with each regeneration – Eccleston’s Scouse “Have a go if yer ‘ard enough” edge versus Tennant’s wounded soul and Smith’s manic trickster-spirt  ((almost a British Bugs Bunny, really)) there’s an emotional core to the Doctor that remains the same… and it’s the source of his appeal.

He’s Passionate

The Doctor may be many things, but “apathetic” isn’t one of them. He’s defined by his dynamism and it expresses itself in everything he does. The Doctor doesn’t do anything by half-measures; he throws himself into everything with great abandon. He loves what he loves whole-heartedly, without regard for whether something is “cool” or popular.

See also: bow-ties, fez’s.

As far as he’s concerned, something (or someone, for that matter) is incredible just because it’s so uniquely itself. He cares for people deeply, even when it means that the pain at losing them will be  so much the worse for it.

All the better to inspire ALL THE FEELS.

He doesn’t care whether he looks ridiculous or whether people think he’s strange or unusual for loving the things he loves. He doesn’t hold back for fear of being judged or mocked. He is authentically himself at all times, not hiding behind a mask. He may run from Daleks and quake in fear at the Cybermen, but he is absolutely fearless in his willingness to express himself. He lives for his passions.

How Can You Use This?

The great thing about being a geek is that you’re already halfway there. To quote Simon Pegg:

Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating.

This rather neatly sums up a great part of the Doctor’s appeal. He’s 900+ years old, yet he still has that child-like wonder and intensity. Geeks have a tendency to downplay their emotions, to pretend we don’t care about things as much as we really do when we’re worried that others are going to mock us. When you’re passionate about something, you’re more energetic, you’re more at ease, more full of life. Being willing to express yourself, to live life to the fullest is one of the most attractive behaviors there is.

The trick is not to hide that passion. Passion is attractive. The Doctor’s passion makes him so appealing because he’s so self-assured and certain of himself. That certainty is captivating; we’re drawn to it because we’re so used to doubt and restraint. The Doctor expresses himself fearlessly – he doesn’t worry about being judged or mocked.

What’s great about the Doctor though, is that the way he expresses that passion varies with each incarnation. Matt Smith’s Doctor is full of feverish energy, unable to sit still for longer than a few minutes while Tennant is full of wonder and awe for everything around him and Eccleston had a quiet intensity that could burst into laughter or joy at a moment’s notice. Not every moment has to be jumping-on-the-couch-laughing-with-glee levels of exhuberance. It’s just about letting yourself feel what you feel and being willing to express that feeling without fear of looking foolish.

He’s Adventurous

Speaking of passion…

The Doctor is the realization of the fantasy that someone incredible would show up and whisk us away to fabulous adventures, where excitement and peril lurk around every corner and each new day brings wonders you never dreamed of before. Yes, there’s danger, but that danger pales in comparison with all of the amazing things that remain to be discovered. Even when facing certain death – wicked werewolves, demented dopplegangers, giant killer wasps, weeping angels, blood-summoned spectres – his reaction is almost always “OH MY GOD THAT’S SO COOL!”

Y’know. Once the running and screaming stops.

The Doctor loves to travel because, simply, there’s just so much out there to see. There’s always some new experience to be had, some new spectacle to be witnessed, new people to meet…. and he wants to share that incredible feeling with the people he cares about, because there’s nothing quite like showing someone something amazing for the first time.

And people respond to that.

How Do You Use This?

The obvious answer is “start travelling the world”. Which is a nice idea, but one that doesn’t necessarily work for everyone.

The key takeaway isn’t that the Doctor is constantly pulling up stakes to go see what’s around the next corner and over the next mountain, it’s that he’s always up for trying something new and helping other people find the joy in new things. He’s out exploring and looking for cool things to try.

It’s easy to get caught up in the day to day tedium of life, where each day is one trudging footstep after the other into a morass of mediocrity and monotony; each day the same as the next, each day one day closer to the grave. Too many of us live a life where we do the same thing over and over again without thinking about it… and then one day we wake up and realize how all the time we thought we had is gone and we no longer have the opportunity to try all the amazing things we wanted to do. That adventurous spirit that is so appealing in the Doctor can be applied in your day to day life by trying things that you’ve been curious about – even a little afraid of – or that are off the beaten track. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as backpacking across Europe or riding a motorcycle from New York to California. It could be breaking out of your work-home-sleep rut to go hiking in the greenbelt or taking an ATV tour. It could be finding a class on cooking Thai food, joining a knitting circle or learning a new language. It could be trying  a new amateur sport, or auditing a college course just because you’ve always wanted to give it a shot. It could be about going out to Burning Man or just going go-karting on the weekend instead of sacking out on the couch in front of the TV.

In short, it’s about living, not just existing. It’s about having a life that’s more than just watching time tick away at work until you can go home and then waiting until you have to go to work again.

He’s Positive

The Doctor is many things… but he’s not a negative person.

He may be angry. He may be arrogant. He may be hurt. He may be bone-weary and soul-crushingly lonely…

But he’s not negative.

In fact, he’s optimistic, almost to the point of delusion. Trapped on a hellworld,

surrounded by the most dangerously insane  of his deadliest enemies and he’s still excited and upbeat. There’s no dark cloud that doesn’t have a silver lining. He practically radiates positive energy. Everything is great! Even if things suck right now, all will be well in the end, because it has to be. Things didn’t work out as planned? That’s OK. Everything is falling apart around him? Fine: he’ll fix it. Nothing gets him down for long. He carries the deepest pain imaginable, not only being the last of his kind but being responsible for the loss of trillions of lives… but he still can find joy and wonder, even in the darkest of times.

When faced with the worst that the universe can dish out, he believes in the best of everyone; there’s nobody so far gone that they don’t deserve a second chance or that they can’t be redeemed.

He simply believes that in the end, every little thing is gonna be alright.

How Do You Use This?

We’re all familiar with relentlessly negative people. They’re energy-vampires, capable of draining the life out of a room by their sheer presence. They’re the little black raincloud that brings down the party and takes the joy out of things simply because they’re so insistent that the world is a cold and meaningless place and we all die alone and unloved in the end anyway.

Positivity is the opposite of that.

Positive people invigorate others. They’re fun to be around. They’re inspiring.

Being positive isn’t just about being happy all the time, living life with a goofy grin; it’s about believing in yourself and others, in your ability to succeed, even when everything seems to be going wrong. The Doctor always has faith in the future. Things may not be going well now but he’s willing to fix things and make them better.

That attiude, that no matter how bad things are, you can improve it affects your outlook. It makes you more likely to see the good in the world, rather than dwelling on the negative. It makes it easier to break those self-limiting beliefs and to assume the best out of the people you meet. Even if they may let you down or dissapoint you, when you’re willing to assume that people are good, it affects the way you treat them. They find you more appealing, more energizing and – importantly – more attractive… especially because you see the potential in them. 

He’s Fun

Considering that every adventure with the Doctor inevitably involves hideous eldritch beings from beyond space and time that are planning on consuming the universe and ripping people’s nipples off (sometimes even in that order), you think that the Doctor’s companions would go on precisely one jaunt with him before saying “You know what? I like boring. Drop me off back at the Circle K and I’ll make my way home thanks.”

Except they don’t. In fact, most of them stay with the Doctor until the (frequently all too) bitter end.

Why?

Because even when he’s leading them headlong into danger, the Doctor is helping them have the time of their lives.

“Yar har fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright with me. Do what you want because a pirate is free, you are a pirate…”

It’s the Reward Theory of Attraction: the Doctor’s companions feel appreciated and needed by him and so the rewards of hanging with the Doctor vastly outweigh the costs. In between the nipple-ripping multi-angled beings from the outer dark, the Doctor is taking them to exotic locals through time and space, visiting famous moments in history from across the universe. They’re collecting stories that nobody else will ever be able to beat; how great would it be to show up Tom at the office whenever he talks about his vacation to the Sychelles? “Really? That’s cool… just last week, I was at the diamond waterfalls of Proxima Centauri; did you know the throat singers there sound just like Maria Callas singing in four octaves at once?”

Travelling with the Doctor is akin to being in a Disney movie, singing “A Whole New World” as the universe spins by with a crazy blue box substituting for a magic carpet. It’s like every crazy dream you’ve ever had coming true all at once and in the best ways possible.

How Do You Use This?

If you’re not in possession of a TARDIS, it can seem like this is just another case of “Great, the key to a great dating life is to be fictional”. Except it isn’t.

It’s not the crazy worlds and unbelievable sights that you need to emulate – it’s the ability to help others have fun. Being fun is one of the most attractive features anyone can have. Being fun and bringing that fun to others makes them want to hang around you. And there are many different ways of doing that. It can be as extreme as going to the ruined temples of Ankor Wat to a date at a gun range to blow some holes in paper targets. It can be as offbeat and silly as taking part in a cardboard fort war in the middle of a public park or as restrained and mature as an incredible gallery show on First Friday’s art walks in your city. It’s about having stories to tell that make people laugh. It’s making people feel good in your presence and triggering that dopamine response in the brain, making them want to hang out with you more.

You may not be a raggedy man in a box, a floppy-haired mod or an intense survivor of the Time Wars, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn from the Doctor’s example… and maybe find a Rose or a Martha or an Amy or Rory of your own.

Just try not to nearly destroy the universe in the process, m’kay?

1. As in “RelationSHIPPING” for those of you not deep into fandom slang
2. I’ll be focusing on this era simply because this is when the Doctor became a romantic figure as opposed to a time-travelling, Dalek-fighting Mary Poppins

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2013. | Permalink | del.icio.us

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