Pay attention, school is now in session.

First and foremost: I’m sure there have been men out there who have been unfairly labeled as “creepy” by women who were offended by the temerity of an unattractive man who approached her.

Well, I feel bad for you son, but fact of the matter is, some people are just assholes. Shit happens, wear a hat.

The fact that some people are assholes does not invalidate what I’ve said before:  to be a woman is to live with the threat of danger in ways that men do not have to.

As much as some people would like to try to disassociate women’s experiences with the all-too-common encounters with men who see women’s bodies as public property or the ones who feel that a woman’s mere presence is incitement to harass/threaten/grope/assault with dating, seduction, or day-to-day social interaction, the cold hard truth is that it’s impossible. 78% of the victims of sexual assault or sexual violence are women. 1 in 12 women will be stalked in their lifetime. 1 out of every 6 women has been sexually assaulted or endured an attempted assault. This is the background noise of what it means to be a woman on a day to day basis.

Every woman out there – save those who have lived such sheltered lives that one wonders where the hell they’ve been hiding – lives under the potential threat of harm in ways that men simply don’t. Thus: women have to develop their Spidey-sense. Labeling someone as “creepy” isn’t about women being lazy and forcing men to jump through hoops to earn the right to get her phone number. It doesn’t mean “I’m not attracted to him” or that she’s throwing obstacles in his path. It means “This man’s behavior or attitude represents a heightened threat to my person.”

He may not mean to cause her discomfort, nor may he actually be a threat, but for whatever reason, his behavior indicates that he does not seem to be willing to acknowledge her boundaries, whether physical or psychological. Attempts to re-define creepy or to remove it from a woman’s lexicon is effectively telling her “you don’t have the right to trust your instincts when it comes to your own safety, because my desire to approach you is higher than your personal comfort.”

Part of what engenders this attitude – that somehow women are lazy and using “creepy” as a way of putting men unfairly in their place is the idea that somehow the relations between genders is confrontational and combative.

This is one of the aspects of the Pick Up community that I see frequently and it’s one of the reasons why men who try to get better at dating (the original raison d’etre of this blog, as you might recall) are often seen as socially awkward losers; it’s guilt by association. The idea that trying to approach a woman and foster a relationship, whether sexual, romantic or otherwise, is about running a gauntlet of challenges and obstacles that women deliberately put in men’s way is part of what causes women to refer to men as “creepy”.

Here’s a hint: I don’t give a shit what Pat Benatar said, love’s not a goddamned battlefield.

Coming into the interaction with the preconceived notion that you have been rejected in advance and that you have to fight your way into her good graces inevitably colors the your behavior, tone and body language; in effect, you’re sending off many, many signals that you’re already angry and resentful, which is going to put any woman on the defensive.

The memes that women are always conscious of social status and are looking for reasons to reject men who dare to approach them unless they prove that they are somehow worthy entered into the conversation – especially where dating advice is involved – because of The Game and the early pick-up community; Mystery, Style, Tyler Durden and the others started off trying to pick up the supposedly “hottest” women in the world: the ones they were seeing in dance clubs and trendy bars. Small wonder they kept running into women who were looking down their noses at them: these are locales that attract and encourage people – not women, people - with elitist “what can you do for me lately” attitudes. The whole appeal of these clubs is their exclusivity; if you can’t get past the velvet rope without waiting in line, what good are you?

Like a deep-sea fish dragged up to the surface, this approach to dating falls apart as soon as you apply it to anywhere outside of this incredibly specific arena. Trying to neg the barrista at Starbucks because you think she’s pinging your social status doesn’t show that you’re a man of high standing who doesn’t need to seek her approval, it shows you’re an asshole. Trying to prompt compliance through car-salesman tactics such as the “yes ladder” with someone you met at a bookstore is both creepy and unnecessary; you should be more concerned with showing that you’re a cool and interesting person, not whether or not you can get her to do a little spin for you.

Quit looking for shit tests, bitch shields and social status games. Sometimes a joke is a joke and not her attempt to drop your social value. Sometimes a penis is just a goddamn cigar.

Don’t want to be labeled creepy? Then start spending more time thinking about how you make women feel. Want to prove you’re not a creeper? Start examining your behavior with women and fucking change it. Trying to put the onus of proof – that you’re not creepy – on women is at best misguided and at worst insulting and potentially dangerous for them. 

Related posts:

1. The 5 Most Common Insecurities In Men (And How To Overcome Them)
2. Men’s Common Fashion Mistakes
3. How To Approach A Woman

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2012. | Permalink | del.icio.us

Dear Dr.Nerdlove,

I seek your guidance.  I’m 18 years old going on 19 in college and I’ve just experienced my first crush.

Before I go on keep in mind. I’m somewhat of a sheltered child. I’ve spent all my life in private school and I’ve never really found any attraction to any one, I’ve just been more focused on just  being friendly. My friends and I came to the conclusion that I might be Asexual. Or so we thought up until now.  Now the girl I have this crush on I’ve known for the last four years. We’ve become good friends and we even do a comic book podcast. Now this crush wasn’t at first glance. It’s something that just sort of developed. But here is where  I seek help. As I’ve pointed out I’ve never been in any relationship in the romantic or sexual manner.She’s just recently broken up with her boyfriend back in January. An the cherry on top of this is she’s 5 years older then me. Approximately 23 going on 24. We’ve planned to hang out this summer but I don’t know how to treat this. I know not to force the idea of a relationship outside of our friendship. But this annoying little voice in my head keeps insisting be direct and just ask.  So do I listen and just see if this is something she wants to do and let her decide? Or do I just shut the little gnome up and play it safe?  

Look, dating is a contact sport. If you’re going to play, you have to assume that there’s going to be risk. Playing it safe is only going to ensure that nothing happens.

To switch to a different metaphor entirely: if you’re planning on dating at all, then eventually you’re going to have to leave the metaphorical nest and try to fly. You may make it on your first try. Most people don’t and end up crashing to the ground. It’s part of the learning process; you have to be able to handle being rejected or breaking up if you’re going to be trying to have a mature adult relationship. If you keep waiting for the “perfect” opportunity where you have 0 risk of things going wrong… well, you’re going to be single for a long, long time.

You’re interested in her. She’s single. Man up and ask her out on a date. The worst thing that she says is “no”, in which case… well, it sucks to be you, but at least you tried. Laugh it off, go back to being friends and look for a new Ms. Right.

Good luck.

Related posts:

1. Ask Dr. NerdLove: The Love You Save…
2. Ask Dr. NerdLove: Love Hurts
3. Ask Dr. NerdLove: Rapid Fire Love Advice

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2012. | Permalink | del.icio.us

Kira, the floor is yours.

Bringing the Boys to the Yard

Flirting is a great thing.  It’s a way to show interest without getting in over your head, and without getting kicked out of a conversation.  And it has a lot of nice side effects – you get to tell someone they’re beautiful without embarrassment, and once you get good at it you get to feel slick, and it’s always fun to make someone smile.

Flirting of any stripe is, essentially, verbal dancing:  For every positive sign you get, you give a little positive sign.  Nothing so explicit as to ruin the rhythm; just enough to make someone think a little.  Hopefully these positive signs escalate until you both feel beautiful, or you have a date, or whatever else you had in mind comes to pass.  But the key here is call and response, on the most immediate, most granular, most tactical level.

Everyone wins, because either everyone feels good, or one party backs out before anyone has a chance to feel bad.

OK, fine, it doesn’t always mean what you think it means.  Because messages in flirting are implicit, not explicit, it can be hard to figure out what’s going on.  For the recipient, it can be particularly hard to tell the difference between ‘flirting with intent’ – subtle un-said signals that mean I like you, and I’d like this to go somewhere – versus ‘flirting without intent’ – which people do for a host of reasons, or for no reason at all.

So, why not just declare your interest outright and save everyone the trouble?

First, flirting with intent allows the relationship between you and someone else to evolve naturally, instead of trying to hustle an innocent interaction into something else without stopping to let emotions catch up.  As the good Doctor says, it’s all about persuasion.

Second, if you just walk up and flatly declare your interest, you are putting someone on the spot – forcing them into a response they may or may not be prepared to make, and taking control away from them in the process.  For some people with some targets, that can occasionally work, but you’d better be damn sure of what you’re doing before you do it.  It’s unfortunately a passive place to be – so it can be uncomfortable, which kind of kills the mood.

"Oh God, I'm not ready for gender-role reversal?!?"

Third, there has to be a way to back out that’s graceful for all concerned.  No one wants the ultimate embarrassment of proposing on the Big Screen at the Superbowl and being turned down.

(Doctor’s Note: I’ve seen this happen and it’s hilarious. Well.. for everyone else.)

This is actually the best part of flirting: Nothing explicit has been said.  This is especially useful in that you do not say anything irrevocable or put yourself in a difficult position or back someone into a corner (and with good reason – being in a corner is a horrible place to be).

Please don't make me say it.

Most of the signals that are broadly societally encoded are gender-specific.  This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing.  The purpose of these signals is to communicate through implication and suggestion; that means we need to AGREE on what the signals are and what they mean.  Since for most of our history men and women have had distinct roles, and flirting is in a way about those roles, it doesn’t seem very surprising that the signals we developed are rooted in them.  If you want to change that in society, go with God; but you’ll have a lot of work ahead of you.

Most people absorb these things as part of their daily culture, and start practicing them on the playground.  They assume other people will also just figure it out.  As a nerd female, I had limited exposure to or understanding of all these signals.  They’re implicit, right?  I had no idea I should even be looking for them.  Working out some of the basic garden-variety flirt signals for women wasn’t that difficult once I realized I was missing something – all that stuff about pointing your feet in someone’s general direction, twirling your hair and smiling.  Heck, these days people have written piles of articles and books about all that stuff.

(Doctor’s Note: *ahem* )

Flirting with intent was a lot harder to pick up.  Personally, it took me a long time to do so.  I’m thinking some of my fellow female nerds would like to be saved the trouble of trying to unravel the signals for themselves – and hey, for you boys out there, maybe it will help to know how to interpret them.  I’m emphatically NOT saying that these are the only tricks that work, only that these are some things I learned that seem to be broadly applicable to straights that might be useful to some other ladies out there.

Flirting with intent

Flirting with intent is particularly difficult for women.  The problem is that it’s not enough to feel good or make someone else feel good – you are trying to inspire a specific response from your flirtee without actually saying so (thereby putting both of you in a bad position).

People don’t like being bossed around.  Especially guys who might have a bit of concern about their rightful effect on the universe (i.e., guys on the fringe – including nerds).  They kinda need to think it was their idea in the first place.  Also, since standard flirting signals are gender-specific, any aggressive or directive behavior from a woman risks looking weird.  When dancing, men lead, women follow; it can be totally hot to step outside those guidelines, but as with most situations it helps to know the rules if you want to break them successfully.

So, if you’re a girl, and your typical societally encoded role in the dance is to ‘follow’, how are you supposed to get the guy to ask you out?

Since the signals are implicit, they’re below the conscious radar for most people.  Guys do miss them sometimes, and that’s actually kind of OK.  These are subtle things; they’re not meant to be noticeable in their own right.  Each one means nothing at all on its own, but taken together they add up to a pattern for how you interact that sets the tone to ‘intimate’.  When done right, if both people are interested, the pattern will kind of pull you along anyway.

Step 1:  Show that you’re paying attention

Yes, everyone tells you to smile.  But has anyone told you how to smile?

Pro tip: Not like this.

Think for a second how many different ways you have at your command – the snarky grin, the polite up-turn of the lips, the incredulous laugh, the guilty grimace.  Try this:  Go into the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror, and recall how you felt the last time you were totally surprised and delighted.  See how your face lights up?  That’s a good thing.  Try that on your flirtee.  It’s even possible to…sort of shine…in someone’s general direction without even including the smile.  Warning:  Don’t over-use it; you only need one or two dazzlers.  Once when I was 15 I kept smiling at a guy I liked across the room; he finally came over, but it was only to ask me what was up with that shit-eating grin on my face.

Everyone also tells you about eye contact.  Our own Doctor has pointed out that it’s useful to catch someone’s eye, hold it for about two seconds longer than is natural, and look away.  What no one told me is that it needs to be selective eye contact.  The guy has to see that you’re only trying to connect with him.   When you’re not looking at him, make sure you’re not looking at anyone else.  He may not know that he’s noticing, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working.   After looking at him, it’s also very helpful to peek back in a second and see if he noticed; that tells him you’re paying attention to whether he’s paying attention to you.

You can also show you’re paying attention verbally.  The standard active-listening techniques are useful here.  Another good demonstration is to hold on to something he’s said hours or days or weeks before, and respond or refer to it later in the conversation.  Say he’s crazy enough to like the last Green Lantern movie.  The next time Green Lantern or movies or Ryan Reynolds or even test pilots come up, you can tease him about his terrible taste in movies. Or say he’s mentioned he’s allergic to shellfish; if you are later talking about restaurants, bring up a restaurant you like and then let him know there are things on the menu that don’t have shellfish in them.  There’s an added advantage in doing this, because it builds a shared narrative, a topic the two of you can return to repeatedly – making it seem that there’s a conversation you guys are having that is just between you.

Step 2:  Make him feel good

There are two parts to this:  Ego-boosting and approval-seeking.  And yes, they are exactly what they sound like.  No matter how Neanderthal you think they are (and I did), they’re effective.  These are the unwritten way of saying, “I like you; do you like me?”

A side note:  In my experience, men seem to want women to be selective.  Seems reasonable; what’s exciting about winning the attention of someone who will pay attention to just about anybody?  That sort of person may be read as a player, a crazy person, someone who wants to take advantage or a sociopath.

So you need to be sparing with these.  Act like the ego-boosting is unusual or hard won and the approval-seeking is embarrassing, and don’t lay it on too thick.  Really, it’s the female version of the come-here-get-away approach the Doctor recommended:  A little enthusiasm, followed by a little retreat.  The Doc’s approach, conveniently, also works for girls – so you have a choice in how you push and pull.

For the ego-boosting, there are a couple of things you can try.  First, if he does or says something you honestly like, all you have to do is toss out the old-fashioned compliment, or just tell him you’re impressed.  If there’s something controversial you both agree on – say, confessing to a secret love for the Green Lantern movie, to continue the earlier example – all you have to do is play that up, which both validates his idea and sets up a nice little ‘two against the world’ thing.

A more complex way of ego-boosting is to ask him to do something for you – hold the door, get you a drink, help you with your coat, anything not too onerous that he can actually do without suffering.  Or take advantage of a moment when he does something for you on his own.  After he’s done so, reward him with a little enthusiasm:  Lean in a bit, smile a little, tell him he’s great, show some gratitude.  He gets to be king of the world for five seconds as a result.

WOO!

It is, however, really important to not overdo this one, as you don’t want him to think you’re a golddigger who’s trying to take advantage.  You want him to see you could value him, instead of him thinking he’d be your cabana boy.

The approval-seeking is the other side of the coin.  Along with telling him you approve, you want to let him know you care what he thinks.  The most straightforward (and therefore least effective) way of doing this is to ask for or demand his agreement or approval.  “Do you like my dress?”  Still, in some circumstances it can work.  An alternate approach is to seek his opinion on a question of interest to you, and take it seriously.  Possibly the most effective way to do this is to look away while you tell him something a little off-color or embarrassing or vulnerable (maybe a little timidly), and then watch him anxiously until he responds.  This is also good because it lets him in on a little secret – more “two against the world” stuff, with the added advantage of having privileged intel.

There’s another trick that only works for some women.  These women are savvy enough to know who will respond to a challenge and who will be turned off by the arrogance inherent in the approach.  You start from the assumption that the man is trying to impress you, and punctuate your conversation with commentary on his progress.  “Well, you get points for that, I suppose, but you’re going to have to work harder.”  It seems to work best with come-hither body language and substituting an occasional self-deprecatory comment for the approval-seeking.

We’re going to leave it here for now… because we’ve got even more for you later this week. Be sure to let us know what you think in the comments thread and on the Dr. NerdLove Facebook page. And don’t forget to check back on Friday for Part 2 of Advanced Flirting for Nerd Women!

Related posts:

1. Ask Dr. NerdLove: Master Nerd Baiter
2. Reader Response: Master Nerd Baiter
3. Spread The Word of the Nerd(Love)

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2012. | Permalink | del.icio.us

There are groups like PUAHate which purports to be fighting back against the Pick-Up Community for all of it’s purported scams and rip-off artists. There have been attempts to flood the comments section with complaints about how society is biased against men, how women hold all the aces, how women are lazy because they demand that men approach them and I personally was contributing to the bias against the socially awkward.

Then there were were the fringes –  virgin theory and paleo-diet conspiracies, peans to the plight of the white male…

It’s been an interesting rabbit hole to fall down, let me tell you.

Now, the reason I’m bringing this up isn’t to make fun or shine a light on them and say “Hey, look at all the weirdos out there!”

Quite the opposite in fact. Y’see, I have a lot of sympathy for these guys.

Now, before you all start wondering if I’m about to join the Male-o-sphere and ranting about misandry about how feminism is actually everything that’s wrong with the world, let me explain.

Females, Frustration and Fear

As much as it’s tempting to brush all of these people as wackadoos and write them off, I found that I felt sorry for them. Y’see, at the core, all of these issues seem to grow out of the same base: a deep dissatisfaction with their lives, a frustration born out of a sense of unmet entitlement and – ultimately – fear.

Fear of being rejected.

Fear that they don’t measure up.

Fear of being alone.

Fear of not achieving their dreams.

And a fear of women.

"They're coming to get you, Bobby..."

They’re afraid of the very things they want most in this world: a beautiful woman.

Arousal and fear often go hand in hand; in many cases, the physiological effects are the same. Our hearts race. Our pupils constrict. Our mouths go dry. Our palms grow clammy. Our adrenal glands start dumping adrenaline into our system, causing us to shake. We may grow faint or feel like we need to run away. One of the quirks of human physiology is that our brains are slaves to our bodies; we feel the physical effects and our brains backfill the reason in later on.

That sudden rise in your heart rate: is it because the woman of your dreams is smiling at you, or is it because you think you saw a tiger in the grass? The person talking to you held your gaze for a fraction longer than you’re used to: are you worried that he’s about to hurt you or are you turned on by the intensity of his gaze?

It can be a confusing, debilitating mess at times.

Think about approach anxiety: you know, intellectually, that going up to a beautiful woman and trying to convince her to start a relationship with you isn’t actually dangerous. And yet, many of us – myself included – will find that we’re having a full on fear-response… to the simple act of talking to someone. Why?

Well… because of power.

To be attracted to someone is to give them a certain measure of power over you. When you’re approaching a person you find attractive, you are deliberately making yourself vulnerable. You are asking them to pass judgement on you on what feels like a deep and extremely personal level. You are putting yourself in a position to be hurt. And that can be fucking frightning. This is part of the reason for a number of PUA tactics such as negging; controlling the frame of who is higher status and who is lower status – thereby determining who has the power in the situation – is a way of guarding oneself against this vulnerability.

Now, imagine if you’re someone who isn’t as socially experienced as his peers. You know that you want an attractive woman but for whatever reason, you just aren’t as skilled or comfortable with them. You  may look to movies for role models or try to follow older modes of behavior instead. You put yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable… only to be rejected. Rejection hurts us, emotionally and physically, and we instinctively shy away from pain. Get rejected enough times and you start to fear the pain. Eventually you find that you’re avoiding the physical response to fear by avoiding the situations that prompt it… a case where literally what you fear is fear itself.

And how do we react to fear? Well, one of the most common ways is that we lash out at it. Fear makes us angry and we turn that anger on what we perceive as the cause of our fear. We try to take fear’s power away by reducing the cause to something less, something other. Reducing a woman to, say, a number based solely on her perceived attractiveness (the “HB” or Hot Body rating system, for example – saying that a woman is an HB 7 out of 10) helps make her less – she’s not a person who might cause you pain, she’s just a point value; the higher the number the more difficult, sure… but you don’t get your feelings hurt because you couldn’t rack up the maximum score in Galaga’s bonus stages.

"I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!!!"

“You Owe Me”

One thread that I saw over and over again while working my way through these various groups is the profound sense of entitlement. A great deal of the anger and resentment directed at women springs from the idea that one is owed sex and that by refusing him  - or worse, favoring others over him – is somehow a violation of the social contract. Many men feel cheated when they don’t get the girl they seem to feel is their reward.

It’s not terribly surprising; in a lot of ways, we’re taught by pop-culture that success inevitably means being rewarded with sex. Look at the number of stories, books and video games whose plots can be boiled down to “Boy goes on quest, wins princess”.

Damn it, Mario! We trusted you!

Woman-as-prize is so burned into our subconscious that when we’re faced with reality -women are actually individuals with their own agency rather than a prize to be awarded – that it can feel as though we’ve been robbed of what we’re rightly due.

This is part of why the socially inexperienced fall for the myth of the Nice Guy: it reduces relationships to an if-then statement. It’s relationships as grinding; spend enough time building up your stats to the requisite level and you reach the goal of “Got A Girlfriend”. Spend enough time and effort being Nice and women  reward you with entrance into the Sacred Grounds¹.

The frustration is understandable, if misdirected; they genuinely feel as though they’re being wronged. They’re just directing their frustration in the wrong direction.

Speaking of…

The Sacred Victim

The other issue I saw was the idea of Man As Victim. Their lack of achievement isn’t their fault – it’s because of some external cause. Keep getting rejected? Well clearly it’s because a society that only values looks over personality or achievement. Women call you creepy? It’s because society is biased against the shy and socially awkward. Can’t convince a woman to sleep with you? Well it’s clearly because feminism has ruined traditional gender roles and made it so men have to run a gauntlet in order to get laid.

The idea of Male Victimhood is appealing because it absolves you of all personal responsibility and insight. You aren’t failing because you’re doing something wrong or because you have an attitude that you should be granted sex just because you bothered to show up; you’re being wronged by someone. Somebody else is at fault for all your failures.

More than that though: being a victim gives you meaning. Having an external opponent, whether it’s an actual person, a scam, a philosophical principle such as feminism or even some nebulous conspiracy means someone is targeting you specifically – therefore you must have something special about you. You’re no longer a guy who doesn’t understand fashion or who could stand to grab a shower and mix in a salad or two, you’re the hero, the underdog struggling against forces arrayed against you specifically to drag you down.

Small wonder that so many of these forae and blogs have an “us vs. the world” mentality; it’s much better to be the hero wrestling against dark forces than to face up to the fact that maybe you’re doing something wrong.

Some Motherfuckers are Always Trying To Ice Skate Up Hill (Or: Looking For The Silver Bullet)

One other source of frustration I’ve seen has been the quest for the Sex Cheat Codes.

I realize that saying “dating is complicated, strange and difficult” is right up there with “water is wet” and “The Prequels suck” in terms of self-evidence, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t always people looking for short-cuts.

This is part of what fuels large portions the PUA community: the idea that there is some way to circumvent aeons of evolutionary psychology and hundreds of years of social mores and jump to the sexin’… without putting in a lot of effort. Men are always looking for the booty equivalent of the Warp Whistle in the hopes of skipping straight to dropping Mario into the Pipe of Love ifyouknowwhatimean².

The idea that there is some way of skipping past learning how to flirt, how to dress appealingly, how to present yourself in an attractive manner and how to build attraction is an appealing one. After all, why bother spending time going on dates if you can just drop some embedded commands and convince a woman to go down on you by trying to make “…you realize that these thoughts come from BeLOW me” sound like something other than a really bad joke.

Guys like this are always looking for the silver bullet – the quasi-magical one-size-fits-all solution that will let them skip years of practice and self-examination and solve all of their problems instantly, turning them from dud to stud in the same length of time as a Hollywood montage scene.

100% guaranteed! No way *this* one's a scam!

The self-help market thrives on people like this and promises any number of snake-oil cures for what ails them. Send out enough positive energy and the universe will respond! Say this special prayer and God will be your personal genie! Follow this formula and you’ll be a master of dating.

It’s the formulaic aspects of the PUA scene that appeal to many folks. For a lot of guys, the social aspects of dating may as well be stereo instructions. Written backwards. In Esperanto. With pages missing. All they know is that other people are having all the sex while they’re missing out.

Reducing social interactions to a flow-chart – start with opener, transition to a demonstration of value, ping for location in the emotional model, run a comfort routine, advance kino escalation, move to seduction location – turns a potentially intimidating encounter with women into something logical and predictable.

Of course, even the shiniest of silver bullets gain a bit of tarnish when they don’t work instantly. Most gurus in the PUA community will tell you that you don’t automatically transform into a player overnight; it takes time and practice  – and that’s assuming that your guru knows what he’s talking about in the first place.

When you’ve spent hundreds – sometimes even thousands – of dollars on trying to solve your issues with dating only to find yourself exactly where you started, just a little poorer, it’s not difficult to see why guys will become embittered.

So… Now What Do We Do?

Look, I know how a lot of these guys feel. They’re intimidated. They’re frustrated. They know that they’re missing out and they’ve been casting about trying to find answers.

Hey, I’ve been there. I’ve gone through all of it. And if circumstances had been even slightly different (which is to say, the Internet as it currently exists had been around in the 90s) I could very well have been one of these guys.

The problem is that you need a certain level of willingness to look inward and cultivate some self-awareness. It’s easy to give in to your anger and put the blame somewhere else.

The problem, at its core, is that sometimes you need to admit that maybe, just maybe, you’re the one who’s doing it wrong.

Part of getting better with women means that you need to man the fuck up. You need to accept that you and you alone are responsible for your life. And that’s hard to hear, especially when it seems like other people have it easier than you. And there will always be people who have it better than you. There will be people who are better looking than you, more charming, richer, or just plain luckier. You may have to struggle where other people have it easier than you.

And I’m not going to lie to you: you may have to accept that your ambitions exceed your grasp and you have to quit torturing yourself by expecting the unreasonable. If you’re a guy living in a squalid basement apartment with a low-paying job and poor hygiene, then landing a Scarlett Johansson look-alike may well never happen.

But when you’re focusing on what you can’t have, you’re missing out on all the possibilities that you could have. You’re passing up happiness for a dream.

No, we’re not all going to be movie stars and rock gods. That’s just life and life isn’t fair. But all the time spent complaining about fairness is time not spent making things better. 

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

1. which is to say, vagina
2. I’m talkin’ ’bout bangin’

Related posts:

1. What Does It Mean To Be A Man?
2. Ask Dr. NerdLove: Adventures In The Friend Zone
3. Conquer Approach Anxiety

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2012. | Permalink | del.icio.us

Here we… go!

Dear Doc,

I’m telling you right from the get go, mine is a long and complicated story. 

It starts about a year ago, when I met this amazing girl (let’s call her M), who goes to college with me. We had a few friends in common and met several times at parties and classes, and soon started hanging out together. 

She was (still is, actually) in a serious relationship so I didn’t make any moves even if I found her cute and we had an undoubtable chemistry.

English Major Peeve: “we had undeniable chemistry”. Not “an undoubtable.” Sorry. Carry on.

Plus, she is a really gorgeous girl and kinda out of my league, also considering the fact that I’m a 22 years old student who lives with roommates, doesn’t have a car and is always pretty broke and her boyfriend is a 30 years old lawyer (she’s 22 too). I mean, let’s be realistic.

First of all: lots of people live with roommates, especially at your age. You’re in college. It’s part of the whole adventure of being a college student: learning how to live with people you’re not related to or sleeping with. Second of all, not having a car or much money isn’t always a disqualifier. To quote Kevin Bacon:

Being a fucking waiter with no money, not a lot of drugs, just a mattress on the floor, and still being able to pull chicks. That’s when you separate the men from the boys.

Worry less about your material possessions and more about becoming an interesting, charming and funny person.

So, after a couple of months, I decide that I don’t have a shot, she’s with someone else and I have to put my crush to rest, even if it’s hard. I wasn’t doing too bad with girls at the time: I had a couple of casual, not serious relationship and I was okay with not having a girlfriend. 

The problem is… after some time I realize I’m falling for M. I mean really, really falling for her: she seems absolutely perfect for me, we share interests, have the same sense of humor, almost the same opinions about everything. She seems THE ONE and I have to admit to myself that it’s not just a crush that can go away, it’s fucking love, and I’ve got to do something about it. 

Hoo boy.

I stop seeing other girls and decide that I must go for it. So I take her out one afternoon after class and I’m about to tell her how I feel when…

Wait for it….

She anticipates me. 

Wait for it….

She tells me that she’s attracted to me and that she’s starting to feel something for me.

Wait for iiiiiiit…

But also that she wants it to work with his boyfriend.

This right here should be a BIG RED FLASHING SIGN about how things are going to go… which is to say, badly. For you.

She’s committed to staying with him, despite the fact that she admits feeling something for me. In her mind, she can control it and she’s allowed to feel something for someone else, while being in a relationship that has more value to her (god, I hope I explained myself clearly enough, English is not my first language). 

A few things.

First: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: monogamy only means that you’re not sleeping with other people; it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to. It’s completely normal to have an attraction or crush to someone other than your partner - that’s just part of having gonads. It’s how you act that makes the difference between being monogamous, ethically non-monogamous or a cheating piece of shit¹.

Second: She’s laying the groundwork for what’s going to happen. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

When I found out how she felt about me, that’s pretty much all I heard. At this point, I could not see what was going to be in our way and why. I explain to her how I feel, without the “Love” part: I don’t want to freak her out, so I just tell her that I feel something too and I want us to be together. 

Not something I would’ve recommended, honestly, but hey, at least you said something. Now at least you got your answer. But it’s this next part that’s the problem.

Obviously, I want her to end it with her boyfriend and seeing how it works between us. She says she can’t. So, from my prospective and since I really think I’m in love with her, I can’t stay friends or anything else: basically, I tell her can’t see her anymore unless we’re gonna be together, and she answers that she understands. 

This is the best thing you could have done here.

Except…

Oh shit.

… a couple of days later, something happens. We miss each other too much, we go out and we kiss. 

And that’s what’s being going on ever since, for the last year. I’m in love with her, she seems to be really into me (she wouldn’t admit it’s love),

Yeaaaaah, about that…

we secretly date even if she’s still with the boyfriend, we frequently kiss, we had sex TWO TIMES IN ONE YEAR 

I’m not sure whether this is something you’re bragging about with the caps or it’s a matter of frustration.

(it makes her feel more guilty than just making out, and I kinda see her point).

And yet.

She hides from everyone what’s going on except for two really close friends of ours and generally seems pretty relaxed about the situation, even if she does recognize the fact that it’s bad.

No shit it’s bad.

Look, amigo, I’m not going to mince words here. By all available evidence, your girl is a cheating piece of shit. She’s (presumably) lying to her boyfriend – with whom she says she wants to make it work; a relationship that, in her words, she values more than yours – and fooling around with you. She may feel guilty about it, but not enough to either a) end it with her boyfriend or b) end it with you. These are not signs of a quality relationship for either of you.

Now I’ll be fair: we don’t know the details of her relationship with her boyfriend; for all we know, she may have permission to step out on occasion and have a little fun. Hell, it could well be that he’s into cuckolding and she’s running back to tell him all the dirty details about every single thing the two of you did because this excites him and leads to amazing bouncing-off-the-walls porn-star sex.

But I doubt it.

I adore her, I really do. I think I’m supposed to be with this girl and I love every single minute we spend together, but… when we say goodbye and she goes to her real, actual boyfriend I die a little inside. 

And the fact is… that I don’t wanna leave her, I don’t want to give up this, even if, at times, it makes me miserable. I always try to look around for girls and one time, during this year, I even thought I could date another girl and find someone as good as she is for me… but I came to the realization that nobody is gonna be enough, and that I want anybody else. When somebody thinks he’s found his soulmate, he doesn’t just give up. 

How can I convince her to finally end it with the boyfriend she’s been cheating on for more than a year, and be with me for real?

whats wrong

OK, WW, it’s time for some straight talk and unpleasant truths.

First of all: How do you convince her to end it with her boyfriend? Well… you don’t. The fact of the matter is, she has no reason to. As far as she’s concerned, she’s getting the best of both worlds: her crush on you and her relationship with her boyfriend. Why, exactly, should she be giving any of it up? After all, she knows damn good and well that you’re not going anywhere any time soon.

Let’s be realistic here, WW: you’ve been sneaking around behind his back for a year. This has been more than enough time for her to make up her mind between him or you. And she’s chosen… both of you. If you want her for yourself, you have to make a stand: she can’t have both you and her boyfriend. It’s one or the other. And if she chooses him (and she most likely will) then you have to follow through with it. Full nuclear option. No contact at all. Erase her emails, delete her number from your phone and all of her texts. Defriend her on Facebook, unfollow on Twitter, unlink on LinkedIn, all of it. Otherwise… why should she decide? If you just make a fuss about it and then come on back, all that’s going to happen is that she’s going to continue on dating her boyfriend and having fun with her piece on the side.

Because she’s a cheating piece of shit.

I hate to keep saying it, but it’s true.

There could be any number of reasons why she hasn’t done the honorable thing and either kicked one of you to the curb, or to come clean to her boyfriend and asked for permission to open the relationship before things went too far. She’s young and she may think she can have it both ways without consequence. She may be staying with her boyfriend because she likes the opportunities that dating a 30 year old lawyer can bring. She may well be polyamorous but is too inexperienced or confident to be open about it. Or she may just like the naughty thrill that comes with sneaking around with you.

Regardless of her reasons, the fact of the matter is, she’s lying to somebody. Either she’s lying to him or she’s lying to you. Neither of these indicates that this is someone you should be thinking of as long-term relationship potential.

You on the other hand are so lovestruck that you can’t see that this is an unhealthy situation for you.  I’m sorry to tell you that you have a nasty case of Oneitis. She may be as wonderful as you say, but the fact of the matter is, this relationship is not. Now, you’re both young. She might grow out of this and mature into someone who can be honest – either about what she wants, or to the people she’s supposedly committed to or the one she says she has feelings for.

It sucks, I realize. I sympathize, I really do, and I understand how you feel as though she is The One with capital letters and cartoon cherubs shooting cutsey arrows at you. But this is because you’re young and caught up in the intoxicating drama of it all and the little hints that maybe, just maybe things will go your way if you hold out long enough. Instead, all you’re doing is putting yourself in the direct path of an oncoming train.

Do yourself a favor.

Get out of the way.

Break it off with her.

Good luck.

1. hat tip to Dan Savage

Related posts:

1. Ask Dr. NerdLove: The Back-Up Plan
2. Ask Dr. NerdLove: Taking It Slow
3. Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why So Serious?

© Dr. NerdLove for Paging Dr. NerdLove, 2012. | Permalink | del.icio.us