Painful Resolution

i think this guy is me..at least how i have looked and felt

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 06:09:00 +0000

ravenwycce.. thought of you while watching this..

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 07:46:00 +0000

Awesome video.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 20:43:00 +0000

Im paraphrasing so i hope the author doesn't mind...

Relationships used to be about love, cherish, understanding, passion. Now we keep the one for the bills and someone else for the emotional side of things. Even then it doesn’t work out. Eventually, thanks to our current administration, we are forced to choose the pay-out way of life instead of being with the one who truly has our heart.

We are forced to settle.

We are told not to take chances. No matter what the cost. The point is eventually we all take chances, we all learn something from them. Some good lessons /some bad. Its those of use that learn the bad lessons that either recover or don't we either survive or we don't.

And sometimes we settle based on force of habit.

Sometimes those bad lessons are just that, bad lessons, nothing major was wagered and nothing major was lost.

However some of us learn our lessons through some pretty detrimental means, and sometimes that means that so much has been vested in a situation, that there is a very slight chance of a full or even partial recovery.

The main problem with that is, its that recovery which is critical to our survival, is attached to every piece of our heart, and yet again as most of us know, from experience, the heart doesnt always want to let go.

Even when it is battered and bruised.

As expected

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 13:33:00 +0000

I had a wonderful weekend with bruises to prove it

Actual 5

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 04:27:00 +0000

found new business possibility
had good conversation albeit an argument
discover my mind CAN indeed stretch when needed
filed tax paperwork for GK
fell in love all over again

5 or something like that...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 04:25:00 +0000

Got to work a bit late today, been dealing with the excruciating jaw pain. My WonderDoctm felt like being my hero today and prescribe me some Ultracet. however this requires time and money to go pick it up. My Case manager back at the shelter told me there might be a program to help pay for it for me... Ill find out tomorrow. As for tonight, Tylenol in high dosages might be my only savior. My WonderDoctm Also told me that I am way too "young" to have Angina.

more later.

getting a bit worried.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 15:54:00 +0000

so yesterday at work i experienced debilitating chest pains and shortness of breath. This lasted for probably about 30 minutes.
The Initial pain was the worse. Now for those who dont know i have really crappy teeth, years of bullshit and what not. Well i was waiting for the end of this month when my insurance kicked in to start to take care of the whole dental issue...
yes these two are related.
cause, before the chest pains yesterday my teeth didnt hurt. right after and up til now. The pain in my mouth is so bad i barely slept.

INTERNET RESEARCH brings up Angina. Anyone else want to pass some comments this way ... would help.. (im NOT trying to obtain ANYTHING else with the "GINA" suffix)

advice/ comments??

everything happens for a reason....right?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 01:46:00 +0000

Yeah so here i am, sitting in my NEW apartment on MY high speed internet connection. basically i might as well be sitting with a thumb up my ass. im bored out of my mind. Mostly because im sitting here searching for a second job. with is very much needed considering i sat down with the salvation army people today and discovered that i need about another 200 a month JUST to cover my expenses.Seems as though my shelter living brough on some expenses that i wasnt really planning for.....namely more domain names, a virtual dedicated server, now my high speed internet, cigarette addicting and the almighty attempting to pay back my student loan. ::sigh:: of course that is all in addition to my transportation costs, electricity, my portion due to rent,and the percentage that the salvation army would like me or rather are forcing me to save.well anyway... at least im out of the shelter life.

when is it time to let go?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 18:24:00 +0000

I have without a doubt held on to things for longer than most people would have. Part is the abandonment issue. I guess i need to come to terms with the fact that i am not 5 years old. That everyone in this world has faced some kind of abandonment issue.
Mine however, inhibited me enough that i think i forced myself to stop developing after a certain point..
I think now is a good time to stop and let go, realize that death doesnt mean abandonment, it means just that... death. As far as my dad is concerned.... oh fucking well, the man will get over it... if he is able to abandon/ not talk to his only child, than HE is the one who will be judged, not me.

for me its just time i let go of living in the past.... its time to move on....

Alot of stuff going on...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 12:13:00 +0000

some of the things i've been dealing with are... my boss who has been stealing from the company was finally let go. Making my co-worker the acting manager... Making it capable for me to ask for a well deserved raise.

I started up my Web and graphic design company, including webdesign,logo and hosting packages, pretty cool.  www.graphikreations.com go take a look.

About to head off to my yearly house-sitting gig, after that, 3 weeks, i will be getting a part-time job, just to support the apartment, which by the way the lease hasnt been signed yet. Note: salvation army has been a pain the ass about everything, and i mean everything.

Made some recent progress as far as relationships go, and the ability to sit down and deal with situations as they come up. Also started to explore more options as far as going outside are concerned.

More on that later.
got to start getting ready for work.

The world of resolution....

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 11:59:00 +0000

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG things to come.

stay tuned!

Lately....whats going on?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 16:30:00 +0000

Lately things have been rather BLAH for me.
hense my not really writting so much.
I feel stuck in tar at times and have been struggling not to feel broken and unfixable.
I have to get to the doc to get on Meds, my work schedule puts a damper on it, i procrastinate it sometimes too. The whole apartment thing is depressing, turns out more people do NOT want a guarenteed check every month from an international organization.
but on a good note.......
I have a 10 phone line business deal going through on monday (hopefully) which is a SHITLOAD of commission.
that same company kinda quietly hired me to do some web stuff. I got a internal website set up using dotproject... which btw is somewhat of a pain in the arse. Attempted to get a time and attendance thing set up and that crashed on me.
as for their external site... Im thinking postnuke might offer the best modules. However, I know how long it took me to get my other site up and running, and i really dont have that kind of patience. but i definately could use the extra line in my portfolio.

decent sized update... wow!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 00:56:00 +0000

so recent events play out like this.....

1- changed jobs, now unfortantely i need to keep Cobra in order to get surgery covered.... YAY on that yet boo on not realizing it sooner...

2- new job is pretty cool pretty dead at times which sucks due to the fact that its commission based. (went from selling cameras to selling phones)--same mall...

3- original apartment deal fell through, but it looks like something else is panning out.

4- took care of alot of my credit stuff at least on experian. went from 19 bad things to 12. Much easier to pay off 15 grand in debt than 25 grand. dont you think.

5- found out my drivers licence is no longer suspended... YIPPEE!!!

6- I have been actively making "some" money online with "little work" thanks to Talkshoe (podcasting) , Keen (phone stuff) , and craigslist (graphic work).

7- Working on a big phone deal now, a 10 phone business account... yay commission...

8- Looking towards possibly getting surgery in the next 2 months or so. (in NY) assuming all the things with #1 and #3 pan out.

9- Relationship wise i am doing pretty good. alot of ups and downs but also alot of learning and communication.

Thats it for now. will update more often i promise.

*hugs* all!

sigh* perfect.....

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 01:29:00 +0000

It always seemed that I was sorry for the things that I did, But never did a thing about it 'til I let you in. It's kinda funny about the time that I was falling apart. You came and put me back together, now. 'Cause what I want And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. As days go by, I've finally become what you want me to be. I still remember all the stupid things that I've said and done, But still, you stuck around with me when all your friends said, "Run!" Givin' me a name, I found myself inside all the flames. Becoming everything for you again. What I want And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. As days go by, I've finally become what you want me to be. Don't tell me you saw it all along. God help me, I never knew it alone. Guess I was wrong. What I want And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. As days go by, I've finally become what you want me to be. And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. You've taken me, And shaped me to become what you want me to be. -Daughtry "WHAT I WANT"

06-16-07_1725.jpg

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 12:48:00 +0000

06-16-07_1725.jpg
Originally uploaded by brandonriley

Sushi and stuff. They have these "steamed"bread thing that have rose paste im them and they are fluffy. Would love to know how to make them.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 02:20:00 +0000

I AM NOT THE BAD GUY IN ALL OF THIS.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 20:11:00 +0000

This is for you....

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 16 May 2007 23:53:00 +0000

Amazing Fan-made video (so fitting)

clipped from youtube.com

Song: 'In This Together', by Apoptygma Berzerk.

So recent events.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 15 May 2007 21:29:00 +0000

I have been taking advantage of stuff from www.portableapps.com,(these are applications that have been trimmed down to work directly off of your jumpdrive. I have stuff like: firefox portable, audacity portable, Sunbird portable, NVU, and Trillian portable. I also got a bunch of add-ons and extensions for Firefox, I honestly can not believe any one would choose IE over Firefox.

Ding Dong

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 15 May 2007 21:25:00 +0000

Falwell's dead !This blackhole im in.

Im here. Im alive.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 10:47:00 +0000

I have multiple projects going on right now. Still not in my own place. the red tape is just growing.
I AM however in the salvation program. so its just a matter of finding a suitable apartment.
more later. pulling a double today.

THE END IN SIGHT.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 14:02:00 +0000

so there is actually an end in sight.
I got approved for a housing program through the salvation army. (And i dont even need to become a "salvationist")
The deal they set me up with would have taken me probably a year to get to that point on my own, in this situation at least.
There is alot to it so ill just give the highlights.

They are going to pay move in amount- first, last and one month security on a one bedroom apartment up to $771 a month.
They are going to pay 100% of my second months rent also.
From there, I will only have to pay 30% of my pay towards rent, another 30% of my pay goes towards savings. Then they pay the rest of the rent.
They are buying me a new double size bed, furniture from the thrift store, then taking me to walmart to get sheets, curtains, shower curtains, towels, pots and pans and dishes and other stuff too.

As i said its a sweet deal. Now ALL i have to do is find a place i like in this county, that is near public transportation, that isnt roach or drug infested, and is less than 771 a month. Yeah that sounds easier than it is.... Its kind of like looking for a one bedroom in NYC, that has room to stretch out for less than $1000.

BUT im looking!

and one of the other points that i forgot to mention, there is a stipulation... I have to go to therapy and attend support groups. (i know that has made alot of you smile)

more later.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:07:00 +0000

things have been kind of boring here. I should find out today about housing. There MIGHT be an end in sight.

However i really need a new job soon.

thats all.

Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 01:38:00 +0000

Well. Im on the train back to the shelter where there is apparently a code blue in effect. Ugh that means its going to be packed. This weekend i went up to new york and volunteered at pod camp. Had fun more later.

Pride

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 03:29:00 +0000

Im proud of her for doing her job so well. But there is a part of me that misses her terribly when she is at work.