Pampers and Pinot

Horror Story

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 12:12:54 PST

I do not watch horror movies anymore. There have been requests to hear the story behind that.

It was a dark, stormy night in rural New York (ok, maybe it wasn’t stormy or completely rural, but it was dark and…suburban).

I was visiting my best friend. Her husband, two children, and dogs had all retired for the evening, and we were up drinking wine and talking. We decided to choose a movie.

We thought a horror flick sounded fun. We chose High Tension from the list and settled in, ready for the adrenaline rush of boogey-men and things-that-go-bump-in-the-night.

It was the most banal, chilling, and frightening shit I’d ever seen. I think I lasted about a half hour before I insisted my friend turn it off.

It was e-vil. Like the fru-its of the de-vil. (Bonus points for anyone who recognizes that quote.)

I was scarred – for life, apparently.

When we decided to throw in the towel and go to bed, I retreated to the guest room…in the basement. Not only was I in the scary, scary basement (it was actually a very nice room), but there was also a door to the backyard in the guest room.

I was in the bed in the dark trying so hard to be thirty years old and brave. I started to have a panic attack.

I still feel silly admitting it! I had trouble breathing. I felt a loud ringing in my ears. All I wanted to do was RUN. Run upstairs. Find people. Find help. Hug someone.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran upstairs straight into my best friend’s bedroom. I stood by the bed. You know, like a total, crazed moron.

There she slept with her baby boy close to her, her husband sleeping soundly, and one of the dogs at the foot of the bed.

I considered my options. I looked at the hard wood floor. I contemplated curling up on the rug at the end of the bed.

She sensed my presence, and being the bestest best friend one could ever have, she scooted over and lifted the covers up, silently letting me crawl right in.

I was so grateful. Everything was right with the world again. I took up as minimal space as possible right on the edge of the bed, and I couldn’t remember ever feeling more comfortable.

Next thing I knew, it was morning. I looked up and saw her husband staring incredulously at everyone in the bed.

I was very embarrassed. I laid my head back down and pretended to keep sleeping.

In the middle of the night, her other boy had also crawled into bed with all of us. It was a very full bed and is now one of the fondest memories I have of that precious family.

You may think your life is full enough – with your children, dogs, and husband all in your bed on a weekend morning. But, it is not as full as it could be.

I could be there too. Edging my way in, making myself at home, clutching whatever space I’m given.

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Make the Bread, Buy the Butter, and Keep the Goat on the Farm

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:09:51 PST

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So, you know how I always have to have something going on. Some project in the works. This brain just ticks away ALL THE TIME.

I recently read this book:

Written by the charming and engaging Jennifer Reese, also author of the blog: The Tipsy Baker.

Let the madness begin!

Making my own food, as long as it is practical and financially savvy, appeals to me. Jennifer's advice in the book just makes sense. If something is relatively hassle free, is a cheaper choice than store bought, AND has no mysterious ingredients or preservatives, then why WOULDN'T you make some of your own foods?

Jennifer, thankfully, spent the time already to research cost and time when comparing home-made to store-bought.

I happen to enjoy time in the kitchen. Before I started trying some of the foods in the book, I told myself:

"If this ends up pissing me off, I won't do it."

I'm not a zealot after all.

But, it has been easy for me, and I'm thoroughly enjoying it!

Here is what I'm making now from scratch:

Bread
Bread crumbs
Croutons
Granola
Chicken Stock
Peanut Butter

Here's what I plan on making from scratch when we run out of our current staples or when we need them:

Cheez-its
Tortillas/tortilla chips
Bagels/bagel chips
Hummus
Hashbrowns
Pancakes
Waffles
Biscuits
Salsa
Marinara

Here is where I draw the line:

Stocking my own eggs. From chickens.
Hamburger buns
Butter
Mozzarella
Goat milk. From a goat.
Honey. Like from bees.

(You may rip the book out of my hands and take away my food processor if you see me coming home with chickens, goats, or bees.)

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Sunday Stealing Part 3, Drinky Poo Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:28:14 PST

It's Part 3 of the Sunday Stealing meme. Perfect for a Sunday!

36. Have you watched American Horror Story?

No thank you.

My best friend will tell you that my relationship with horror movies ended in her house in New York. It was not good. Maybe I'll tell the story someday. Maybe I'll just leave it at that.

37. Baseball hat or toque?

Baseball hat! I love wearing a baseball cap around in Mexico that says, Drinky Poo. Thanks again to my best friend.

38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower?

You really care?

39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?

Umm, wet is ALWAYS better.

40. Pen or pencil?

Depends.

41. Have you ever gambled at a casino?

Absolutely.

42. Have you thrown up on a plane?

No.

43. Have you thrown up in a car?

Absolutely.

My other best friend could tell you about that, but not me.

44. Have you thrown up at work?

No.

45. Do you scream on roller coasters?

Absolutely. I love it.

46. How many shoes do you have?

I have never counted. I am picturing my closet in my mind right now, and if I had to guess (too lazy to go upstairs for an answer that I don't believe people truly care about), I would say: 40.

47. Who was your first roommate?

Wow, she was so exciting, I can't even remember her name (sarcasm). I was a freshman in college. She was in our room doing...I don't know. I was elsewhere. Finding trouble, drinking, and smoking stuff.

48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?

Jungle Juice!!!

49. What was your first job?

Working at a frozen yogurt shop.

50. What was your first car?

A 1986 Pontiac LE 6000. Oh yeah. Drove that fucker into the ground.

51. When did you go to your first funeral?

I don't remember how old I was when I went with my dad to a funeral in California for a distant relative of mine. I was little, but I have many memories of that.

52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?

18!

53. Who was your first grade teacher?

Ms. Rappalas or something like that. I don't exactly remember her name, but I remember getting in big trouble for spanking a boy when he annoyed me.

54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?

To California to see my dear grandma.

55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?

I never snuck out of my house. I saved all evil behavior for college when I moved away at 18.

I used to climb out of my window late and lay in the grass and look at the stars but nothing exciting.

56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?

We still keep in touch.

57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house?

Flagstaff, Arizona

58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?

My mom.

59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?

My best friend, Juli.

60. What is the first thing you do in the morning?

Pee

61. What was the first concert you attended?

The most MEMORABLE concerts (I changed the question) was U2 concerts.

62. First tattoo or piercing?

Boring here. Only ear piercings.

63. First celebrity crush?

I'd rather just tell you my current celeb crushes.

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And just because I love you, and I think everyone should love this:

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Stop Thinking so Much (for crying out loud)

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 18:04:58 PST

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I tend to get slumpy this time of year. As in, the seasonal depression starts to do its work. Either that, or this time of year just feels like a lot of work and no play. For weeks on end.

I tend to go inward and think too much. It is a curse, this thinking. That psychic I went to once was right on when she said, "You think too much!" I was like, "I know." She was like, "I know you know!" (She said that a lot.)

This year, I'd like to kind of figure out myself some more and what I want. Now that my son is approaching the four year old mark, I am starting to wonder about myself again - What has life done for ME lately?

So, being the Oprah lover I am, I sought out the wisdom of O contributor and life coach, Martha Beck.

She was even in my dreams last night! I just can't remember what the hell she was talking about. This can't be good.

I bought her new book:

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I am not even half-way through it, so I have not yet been given my instructional manual for my life.

So far, it has been a lot of teaching on finding WORDLESSNESS.

Martha says we all think too much - I've heard that before! Meditation can help us get closer to our truer nature, our truer self. So that we can feel and hear and know what is best for us. I have had interest in meditation before but have not committed to it wholly.

Martha recognizes the difficulty in achieving a wordless, meditative state. It's kind of hard to just STOP thinking, especially when you tell yourself to stop thinking. So, she has a few easy suggestions for achieving that state. I've been trying to do one or two of those each day.

I was stoked (when's the last time you heard the word "stoked?") to discover the other activities that she suggests to increase "wordlessness" in your life:
Music, singing, playing an instrument, dancing with abandon, drawing and painting, and telling stories through writing, poetry, and expressive story telling.

I do a lot of that already! Yay, me!

When I sing loudly, dance like no one's watching, and get lost in telling a story (whether written or verbal), I am rocking the delight of wordlessness.

Martha says to dance by "dissolving verbal attention into pure movement" and to tell stories to "entertain and feel the rhythm of it."

I do that. I like to do that.

(If you are wondering why some of the above are examples of tapping into a "wordless" state, then you will have to read her book cuz I don't need to get too detailed on your ass here.)

So, I will delight in my play, play more, practice wordless meditation, and ride my way through a year that will bring me closer to myself.

And, yes, I will finish the book. Just couldn't wait to tell ya'll about it already.

Peace out.

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Sunday Stealing Part 2 ("Tell me more, did you get very far?")

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 12:24:32 PST

Today, I am doing Part 2 of the Sunday Stealing meme. Perfect for a Sunday!

21. Did you go to your high school prom?

Yes.

22. Perfect time to wake up?

I wish I could sleep until 10:00 am.

23. Perfect time to go to bed?

I wish I could stay up until midnight.

I prefer to stay up and sleep in. This does not mix well with young child.

24. Do you use your queen right away in chess?

Only if it will benefit me well. Don't be afraid to let the lady play!

25. Ever been in a car accident?

Nope! Ha! To the amazement of my husband. He doesn't appreciate my driving skillz.

26. Closer to mom or dad…or neither?

Mom.

I love that scene in Forrest Gump when Forrest comes home after serving in the war. His mom opens the front door, and he says, "I'm home, Mama."

27. What age is this exciting life over for you?

I don't know, and I'm glad I don't.

28. What decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?

When I was a little kid, I always wanted to have lived in the 50's. I LOVED the movie Grease. I wanted to wear big, poofy skirts. When I went to get my hair cut, I would always tell the lady to "make me look like Sandy." (The Sandy at the END of the movie. Oh yeah.) I was DEVASTATED when my parents told me that Sandy and Danny were not real people - only actors.

Still to this day, I love to quote the smooth talking Danny, "Oh, come on, don't make me laugh. Hah. Hah. Hah."

29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?

I have these shoes that I ordered from Victoria's Secret about 7 years ago. I cannot get rid of them even though they have been through A LOT. I like to wear them out. They are leather, and they fit my foot so well - they are so comfortable! Yet, they look kick ass. They don't look like they'd be comfortable. They have a pointy toe, and when I wear them with long jeans, it looks like I'm wearing heels, but they aren't heels. They are flats, which I'm grateful for because I'm so freaking tall.

30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?

College, yes. High school, no.

31. Were you in track and field?

No.

32. Were you ever in a school talent show?

No, but I will NEVER forget this awesome talent show when I was in seventh grade. This kid, I won't reveal his name here since I haven't talked to him since high school, he lip synched to "I Wanna be a Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry. He sat on a bouncy horse, holding a Cabbage Patch Girl and would look at her and lip synch, "And you can be my cow girl!" It was genius. It was hilarious. I still tell people about it. Wonder where that guy is now?

33. Have you ever written in a library book?

No. I would never disrespect property like that. (That was said with total sarcasm. If you want to know why, read this post.)

34. Allergic to?

Sulfa - it is an antibiotic. If I were to ever take it again, I could die. When I found out I was allergic to this medicine, it was scary! I was driving up to University of Northern Iowa where I was in grad school and working as a graduate assistant. In the car, I started breaking out in so many awful hives, they tightened my scalp, spread to my ears, and I lost my hearing! I went straight to the health clinic on campus.

35. Favorite fruit?

Watermelon

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Thank God for Wordless Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 11:21:38 PST

I had every intention of a written post in the last couple days, but alas, life (and work!) just gets in the way sometimes, and I am grateful for Wordless Wednesday!

Thank you for the link up, Kristi, at Live and Love Out Loud!

Last night, my son started his skate lessons! You recall the hockey obsession?

I was so proud of his attitude. Even though he's still getting the hang of it, falls all the time, and can't actually do any skating yet, he has a smile the whole time! When the lesson ended, he did NOT want to get off the ice. I think we'll have a skater on our hands in no time with that kind of perseverance!

Clutching the wall but all smiles:

Starting to get the hang of standing on his own (he's the taller one next to the teacher):

Standing on his own!

Sunday Stealing

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 11:32:12 PST

Today, I am participating in a Sunday Stealing meme. Perfect for a Sunday!

1. Song that always makes you sad?

Here's the last few lines of an Indigo Girls' song, Fly Away:
"Fly away little bird
The saddest song I ever heard
Was the one that I wrote you in my heart
That never made it to the world."

2. Last thing you bought?

Groceries. The never-ending chore.

3. Last person you argued with?

My three year old son. Have you argued with a three year old? Yeah, it's fun. You might as well just go bang your head against a wall for a while. You'll get more accomplished.

4. Do you put butter before putting the peanut butter on?

Absolutely not.

5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?

My Cabbage Patch kid's name was Patton.

6. Did you ever at one time own a Barenaked Ladies CD?

No.

7. Favorite day of the week?

Saturday

8. Favorite sundae topping?

Nuts! I love nuts. Ha!

9. Did you take piano lessons?

Yes

10. Most frequent song played?

In my life? Holy crap, I don't know! Some contenders may be Hotel California by the Eagles or Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. Currently, right now in my life? On my iPod, I most frequently play Lady Gaga's You and I. On my USB, I most frequently play Regina Spektor.

11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?

I love watching Real Housewives. Every week, it's like a social train wreck. And, it's no secret. Everyone knows I love to watch filthy, crappy TV.

12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?

Basketball

13. Date someone older or younger?

Older

14. One place you could travel right now?

Mexico

15. Do you use umbrellas?

No. Too much trouble. Just run.

16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?

"Oh, Canada!" That's all I know.

17. Favorite cheese?

I love all cheese! Particularly, cheddar, pepperjack, and gouda.

18. The Smith’s or The Cure?

The Cure

19. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?

What? This is not something I ponder.

20. Best job you ever had?

I'm pretty content with my job right now and have stayed there the longest than anywhere I've been. I am a school psychologist.

There! Fascinating, right? I'm so glad you know me better.

Quilt Skillz

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 13:08:37 PST

Posts like this one help counter-act my foul-mouthedness and inappropriate behavior.

However, it does not hide my tendency to brag about all my skillz.

For my birthday last year in May, I asked for a sewing machine. It came with a CD. I watched the CD and read the instructions for the machine and started quilting. I made one attempt to read about quilting by Googling it; however, one minute looking at that goobly garble, and I decided to forge ahead with my own rules.

I cut up the receiving blankets I had saved from when my son was a baby and sewed away.

When I had questions about how to finish it, I went to Hobby Lobby and asked the lady who works in the fabric section.

I ignored the HAG behind me who said, "Well, at least I know what I'm doing."

Voila! Here it is, hag!

So, then, I decided to go even more ambitious and make a huge, giant quilt with a unique pattern for my best friend for Christmas. I created my own pattern and bought fabric remnants in the sale bins.

Now that my friend has the quilt in her possession, I can share about THE ALBATROSS here:

The pictures do not do justice to how big it is.

I am taking a break from quilting for a little while. I may or may not tell you about my next project. I've always gotta have something going on.

Wordless Wednesday Winter

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:19:23 PST

Just hanging out

Decorating cookies

On the Cog Railway on Pikes Peak:

Christmas morning, before the insanity began...

Parker's cousin helping him ride his new scooter:

I'm linking up with Kristi at Live and Love Out Loud for Wordless Wednesday!

Our Christmas Story, Part 2 (Put this in your pipe and smoke it.)

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 09:00:24 PST

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After the gluttonous present opening on Christmas morning, it was time for a big breakfast and mimosas.

This year, I bought TWO bottles of champagne. Cuz I’m smart.

“What the? Geez, where did all the champagne go?” my brother asked, amazed, when I asked him to open the second bottle.

“I’m still on my first one!” I defended.

“Well, me too!” said my brother.

My mom looked over, spatula in hand, cooking bacon, “I’ve had two already!”

Oh, ok. Go, Mom!

Another couple of “mimosas” later (more like giant glasses of champagne), my mom sat on a chair in the kitchen with a glassy, wistful look in her eye.

“Breakfast was so wonderful,” she said. Many times.

Soon thereafter, Mom was nowhere to be found. She had slipped away quietly and passed out for most of the rest of Christmas day.

………………………………

My boy had gotten the game, Guess Who (Spongebob Squarepants edition), for Christmas. I found it wildly entertaining to hear people all day, taking turns at the game. The whole family took the game very seriously.

“Does yours have….SQUARE PANTS?!” my mom would ask.

“No.”

“Does yours have…….TESTICLES?!!” my brother would ask. “I mean, TENTACLES?!”

……………………………

As the day went on, and the drinking, my brother would tell you that at about 4:30 pm, “Kristy TURNED.”

This is when the cooking and drinking frenzy had finally caught up with me. I was a little delirious. It was fun to watch, I’m told.

My brother said, “Kristy’s got the music flowing through her veins! Watch out!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to do air guitar and sing, “Peaches come from a CAN! They were put there by a MAN! In a FACTORY DOWNTOWN!”

I would stop cooking once in a while to go outside and smoke a cigarette with my brother. The neighbors drove by and saw me with my air guitar, cigarette dangling from my lips, and I was channeling Rage Against the Machine, “Then you do what they told you! Now you’re under control!”

It was some mid-90’s flashbacks there.

I also learned that it is not a smart decision to save rolls for one year in the freezer, planning to use them only for Christmas dinners. When you spend money on a prime rib roast, you should not care about saving a buck by using 12 month old frozen rolls. It appears that this causes the rolls to turn into flat pancakes, but hey, those “rolls” were set proudly out on the table with the wine and roast. Butter those babies up, and they were still damn good.

When we sat down to eat, I put on our family’s special Christmas CD that I created a few years ago. This is a mix very true to my family, and I love it. Kenny Rogers, John Lennon, Neil Diamond, John Denver, Oak Ridge Boys, Elvis, Elton John, and it ends with some rousing Flobot action.

By the time dinner was wrapping up, Flobots were on and my son and I danced hard in the living room. “I can do whatever I want, cuz, look, I can lead a nation with my microphone, with a microphone!”

My niece knows a good party when she sees one and joined us downstairs and proved herself to be an AMAZING rapper! She is freaking awesome. I danced to the rhymes that stumbled deftly out of her mouth. Then, she got her phone going with Lady Gaga, my mom gave me a candlestick for a microphone, and I proceeded to sing like I was a celebrity diva. I really thought, “Damn! I should have asked for a karaoke machine for Christmas!”

After this settled down, we got out the Wii balance board and put on some Wii Fit! What else does one do when they’ve been drinking all day and have had enough song and air guitar?? Get their fitness on, of course.

My niece did a lot of yoga. I tried. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do any of it. “But I usually do great with this!” I would yell as I fell over with one leg in the air.

My brother enjoyed heckling the yoga types. But, I didn’t care. I had my squirrel underpants on.

And then, what do people do when they’ve been drinking all day, have danced and rapped, and done yoga?

They watch Napoleon Dynamite. “What are you going to do today, Napoleon?"

"Whatever I want to do, Gawwwdd.”

……………………………

The Day After – A Christmas Hangover

No naked Asian men popped out of our trunks the morning after Christmas, but my brother exited the basement cave with bloodshot eyes, and I looked at my mom and said, “I wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley somewhere.”

Scott looked at me and said, “Let’s go buy a karaoke machine! Gawwd!”

Instead, we went to lunch. A couple of Pinot Grigios at lunch, and it was decided that going to Kohl’s to buy Purses! And Totes! At 65% off was a fabulous idea.

Now I have a new, damn fine tote from Kohl’s, and I am just about recovered from all the festivities.

Almost.

I miss my family.

I don’t look so crazy next to them. Ha!

Happy New Year’s!

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Our Christmas Story, Part 1 (“You’ll shoot your eye out!” and other bad decisions are highly probable.)

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 11:44:21 PST

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We got home from our Christmas Eve dinner at a nearby restaurant and called the elves at Norad to ask where Santa was in the world.

I handed my phone over to my boy, and he said, “But my Uncle Scott and Mercedes only bring me a pile of poop for Christmas!”

I burst out laughing. I have no idea what Santa’s elf had to say about that, but apparently Parker was a little affected by my brother heckling him about bringing him poop for Christmas.

Soon thereafter, my mom realized that she forgot the contents for my tween niece’s stocking at her house in Phoenix. My niece overheard a conversation about this, and I found her crying on a couch in the basement.

This was not ok.

Everyone has a full stocking in my house on Christmas morning!

My attempts to cheer her worked, and I had her smiling and laughing in moments. But, I’m honestly not THAT great of an aunt because she finally looked at me and said, “Kristy, the more you keep talking, the more you keep cussing.”

Damn it. Well, I’m a passionate person.

We went upstairs together and found an empty house! My brother had my husband drive him to a Walgreens to get stocking loot. My son was in bed. My mom and her husband had also gone to bed (There had been an earlier incident in which my rude brother and I heckled my mom’s poor husband, Carlos, about his driving. Carlos went to bed early.)

I involved Mercedes, my niece, in my attempts to console Carlos and apologize. I fished out an old package from my husband’s drawer, a previous gag gift.

Squirrel underpants.

I wrote on it with marker, “We LOVE you!” I put it outside his door and hoped for the best. Or, as I told Mercedes, “Wake up. Get over it. Squirrel underpants.”

Little did I know that the next two days would crescendo into complete madness, which included rapping (not by me!), much air guitar, scandalous mimosas, AND yoga.

I have a feeling that Part 2 of this little Christmas ditty is going to be a good one. Stay tuned.

Looks like these types would fit in with us.

Let the Christmas Fun Begin!

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 13:01:33 PST

You all recall that my family is:

Outrageously fun,
Small but mighty, and
Prone to inappropriate behavior.

I am so excited that they will be here on Friday! We do Christmas like nobody's business, I tell you what.

In honor of my mom, Carlos, my brother, my niece, my husband, and my son, here are some of the best blooper reel moments in which I've written about my family on this blog:

From Rude Behavior is Inevitable
"My brother is the King of rude behavior, and he will tell you that is true. One of my favorites from my brother went like this, 'God, Kristy, I was up in the middle of the night with this horrible heart burn! I was in the bathroom, and I threw up and ORANGE, ACID FIRE came straight out of my mouth! BAAAHHH!' (Like me, my brother uses a lot of growling, expression, and gesturing when telling stories.)

My husband truly must be the sanest one of us, bless his heart. He’s usually either scared and embarrassed or completely entertained by all of us. He has moments though too, of course. None of us in this world are immune. I particularly liked the concoctions he would make. He mixed tequila with margarita mix with Orange Crush soda with Dos Equis and God knows what else (the color was amazing). He found the largest, biggest BOWL of a cup to use and would pass around these wonderfully enticing drinks for all to share.

My mom is this sweet, giving, warm-hearted person. All those around her love her calm and serene energy. She is full of laughter and kindness. But, let me tell you, she can have some fun too, and when she lets loose, we ALL have a good laugh. My absolute favorite one on this trip was when we were driving through the streets of our downtown Mexican city, and Mom kept shouting through the open windows, 'FEED YOUR DOGS! HA, ha, ha, ha!'”

From Our Family Knows How to Make a Scene
“'This is the loudest fucking Mimi’s Café I think I’ve ever been in!' I yelled.

My brother looked at me, 'What?!'

'Why does it seem like everyone is shouting at each other, for crying out loud??!' I shouted.

I looked around. Everyone was so…bright, and happy, and freakin’ loud. I didn’t know if I would be able to take it.

My mom looked over at the women in the booth next to us and glared. She then looked around the dining room and shouted a general, 'SHUT UP!'

Yes, this is my family for you. No one else is supposed to be louder than us."

From Christmas Highlights (and you thought YOUR family was nuts)
"I truly loved watching my brother fall off the couch into the firewood basket. In my mind, I replay the moment in slow motion.

I was very grateful that even after slaving away in the kitchen for a delicious prime rib roast, my son actually ate his whole dinner – a mini microwaved cheeseburger.

On our last night together, our family got to watch old footage from the late 60’s – early 80’s from our growing up years. My mom’s boyfriend converted all of the footage onto DVD as a Christmas gift. Every scene had so much atmosphere…err…cigarette smoke billowing around the camera lens as all the kids played in the house. It was really a great effect.

The real stars of the holiday were: pepto bismol, mucinex, and anti-anxiety medication."

From The Blooper Reel (Family Vacation Part 1)
"Although there was no out-and-out heckling, my brother kept ogling this beautiful and tan lady on the beach. He'd say, 'Look at her. She's got this hot body and can just go lay down on a towel in the middle of the beach and look great.' (I did not look over at the time, but he may have been rubbing his belly while taking a drag on a cigarette after saying that.)

My son had a fascination for making jokes about pooping in the elevator. Every time we would take the resort elevator, we would hear a gleeful squeal. 'I'm going to poo-poo in the vator!' Parker would get in the elevator, squat a little and make grunting noises. We would watch him and laugh (this is the kind of idiot stuff that my family things is top-notch comedy)."

From The Rom Com (Family Vacation Part 2)
"Carlos had a speech. It didn't take long to realize that something exciting was about to happen. He was going to propose!

But, no! There would be no proposal and some long, boring engagement.

There was to be a WEDDING on our resort balcony THE NEXT DAY! My mom was getting married!

Much hugging, kissing, and shouting occurred. Carlos is a smart guy. He knows that we are a family that loves excitement.

Sure enough, the next day, on the balcony of our hotel room was a simple and touching wedding ceremony with only the most important people in our small family."

I hope you all have a blessed Christmas surrounded by those closest to your heart. I will be here, saying "Cheers!" with mimosa in hand, laughing my ass off, and never wanting it to end...

Merry Christmas!

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Song Bird Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 13:30:55 PST

The Holidays are Getting Hot

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:50:51 PST

I'm getting ready for some fun, fun, fun, and linking up with Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop so that I may answer this delicious prompt:

If you HAD to marry a celebrity...who would make your top five list and why? (Let's just pretend you're not actually already married m'kay?)

Now, I don't really need to marry these guys. To clarify, I'd like to just...try them out and be done with them.

1.

Brad Pitt - I'm a sucker for Brad Pitt. I know many girls have gotten over their lust for him a long time ago, but I still love to stare at that jawline. Plus, he is able to be funny (loved his character in Burn After Reading!). His rugged good looks, the twinkle in his eyes, and his constant youthful quality drive me nuts. I have been shaped into the woman I am today after seeing that HOT scene of him as the young cowboy in Thelma and Louise twenty years ago. Blush! I do go on and on. Next!

2.

Bradley Cooper - I am a fan of the Hangover movies, and one of the reasons why is because I get to watch Bradley Cooper all hot and...dirty the whole time. He is oozing with charm in my book! And, besides, I'm a sucker for a guy who seems to have a bit of that bad boy edge.

3.

Johnny Depp - He's intriguing to me more than anything. I like artsy, soulful types as well.

4.

Benecio Del Toro - He's got that dark eye, smoldering look. And, I love his voice/accent. Mmm, mmm!

5.

Matthew McConaughey - I'm thinking he's a lot of...fun.

Now I suppose Santa doesn't deliver men to my stocking?

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How bout you? Who are your fantasy crushes?

Meet Me on Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:25:42 PST

Thank goodness for easy Monday memes! I love linking up with Java from Never Growing Old for Meet Me on Monday:

Questions:

1. Tomorrow I'm going to _________?

Workout. Ha! I always workout "tomorrow."

2. Pudding or Jello?

Neither really. I guess pudding, but hey, if there's alcohol involved, I'll go for the Jello.

3. What book are you currently reading?

The Faculty Club

4. What is the first concert you went to see?

Amy Grant. I kind of grew up quite the goody-goody, but I have long gotten past that phase.

5. What is your current weather?

Cold. Blah. Hoping for snow that my niece and son can play in when she comes for Christmas!

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Fires for Dummies

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 15:21:10 PST

I'm linking up with Write on Edge for their Red Writing Hood prompt this week:

Write a piece of fiction around the holiday season that begins with "The doorbell rang" and ends with "snow began to fall." Stick to 300 words.

The doorbell rang, but I was already at the door. I had heard him pull up in the rumble of his truck. I had taken another quick look in the bathroom mirror and sprinted to the door, then cursed myself for being apparently out of breath.

Deep breaths, I thought, slowly blowing the air out my lips.

When the bell rang, it was like a gunshot to my heart from anticipation.

I opened the door with a practiced smile. Standing there, with a box and clipboard, was the UPS man.

“Evening, ma’am,” he said, thrusting the clipboard toward me, “Sign this.”

“Oh, yes, thank you,” I said. I looked past him at the street and there was the big brown van, rumbling in the street.

I gave his clipboard back and took the box. My eyes searched down the street for another truck. Seeing nothing, I shut the door.

I opened the box with kitchen shears. A white sweater, matching scarf, and a card was inside. I quickly ripped the envelope open, and from the card, a piece of paper fell.

It was a printout of an Internet page: “How to Build a Fire for Dummies.”

The day before, we exchanged texts, excited about being together again. I had texted, Too cold here. Can’t build a fire without you hunny. Don’t no how. Need my man. I had meant to be clever, to give him a double meaning.

I read the note inside the card.

I have to stay another day. I’m so sorry. Keep warm and I’ll see you soon! XOXO

I put it all in the box. I put the box in the fireplace and lit a match. Outside, snow began to fall.

Just Having Fun

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:20:20 PST

I am linking up with Wordless Wednesday at Kristi's Live and Love Out Loud!

Here are a couple of things I'm loving right now:

How's your holiday planning going?

Syndicated Sunday

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:02:43 PST

On this relaxing December Sunday, I am choosing to re-post something from earlier this year because I just loved re-reading it myself, and you will too.

Love ya, Mom!

One of the prompts for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop in April was, “If my mom was a blogger…”

There have been times that I have heard my mom say, “I think your readers should know….!!” (what have you). So, I felt this a fine time to give my mom a voice on my blog, and I interviewed her.

Me: What do you feel my readers would be surprised to know about me?

My mom: When you leave me my grandson to take care of, you leave eight pages of instructions! I have had grandchildren before. You’re brother can attest to this. I don’t think your readers realize you are so ‘OCD’ like that.

Me: You ASK for instructions, Mom. Anyways. What have you been shocked to read on my blog?

My mom: When you called your husband ‘The Fucker!’

Me: Really?! (I figured it was when I called my son an asshole.)

My mom: Well, I know what a sweet, easy going guy your husband is, and I wasn’t thinking of him from a wife’s point of view. I was thinking about him from a mother’s point of view, and I wanted to protect him.

Me: What is it that you would want to know my readers to know about me?

My mom: You have a very unique gift of looking at life and giving a different way to look at things. If I ask you about something, you will be honest about it and give me feedback. I know you will level with me. And that has helped us have an even more special relationship.

Me: What has been something memorable from my blog?

My mom: Seeing all the dimensions of your life. There are so many different areas – your personal life, family life, work life, your going-out life/fun life. I LOVE when you write about the kids you work with. I’ve gotten to know you in an even more personal way by reading your blog.

Me: If you had a blog, what would it be about?

My mom: Raising a maniac! (my brother) No, it would be about you and Scott (my brother), and how you were the two kids that seemed to be raised by two totally different people growing up – you were so opposite.

Me: But now that we’re older?

My mom: Now it is fun! I love our crazy trips together and the holidays. But what I think really is there is the love we have for each other, how much we care for each other, and how much support you both have given me in hard times.

Me: What makes you laugh about me?

My mom: The stuff that comes out of your mouth! How do you think of it? You are so funny with Parker, and they way you look at life and the things he does. You have a great sense of humor. You also have this other side to you – you can be cynical and edgy. When you’ve had wine, your chin goes up, your eyelids go down, and you can let people have it. You have a sharp tongue. I love to watch you play Wii! You just get up there, and without even trying, you just get up and do it. You approach it with a hell-be-damned-attitude and you do great. I love to drive with you! It’s like I’m driving with myself and I don’t have to say a thing. You take care of yelling at all those stupid ass drivers out there.

Me: Do you know that I made my own cuss word for drivers on the road?

My mom: What?

Me: Fuckball. As in, "You're a fuckball!"

My mom: (laughing)

Me: So, on that note, how are we alike?

My mom: Well, we’re both Taurus women. We’re a little impatient. We have huge hearts and care about people. And, we both like wine. But, I like white.

Me: How are we different?

My mom: You’re more of a risk taker. And, you’re more determined. You’re more of a goal setter.

Me: What are your parting words of wisdom?

My mom: The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. (Lilly Tomlin) Also, don’t let the bastards get you down. Also, my mom always told me to take the high road.

Five Things

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:35:25 PST

I’m writing for the Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop this week on “5 Things!”

5 things we don’t know about you:

This is hard because I don’t hold back much and I’ve told ya’ll a whole darn lot. So, I will try to think of more.

1. The only way I can truly “re-charge” is by being alone.
2. I worry a lot about what others think of me, but I have managed this better as I get older and oh-so-wiser.
3. I wouldn’t say I “collect” angels, but I sure do have a lot of them around, and I like that.
4. I do not like Nicholas Sparks’ books, nor do I like any of the movie adaptations of his books.
5. Even though I consider myself to be intelligent, I can also be an air-headed ding-bat.

5 things you’re knowledgeable about:
1. Disney Pixar Cars
2. Liking kids
3. Reality TV
4. Relaxing
5. Lean storage manufacturing and aluminum gutter systems (a result of writing freelance articles)

5 things you know nothing about:

1. Car repair
2. Football. I know nothing about it. It is like a foreign language.
3. Correct table settings – I never remember
4. Grilling and mowing the lawn – I have never done either
5. The Stock Market

5 things you believe:

1. People take themselves way too seriously very often.
2. There is so much more to this world around us than we could ever imagine.
3. Love and God is all around us in many places and in many forms (and CERTAINLY not only found in a church).
4. All the people in your life exist to teach you things about yourself.
5. Creativity is more important than industriousness.

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Phantom Poo Poo and other Misadventures

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 18:25:54 PST

I'm here! I know I haven't posted in a week - what a week it has been!

We have had many adventures in our Thanksgiving travels, including:

"Mommy, it is time to look at the weird blue man."

This is from a look and find book. This page is "Genie in a Bottle" obviously. Parker was entranced. And weirded out. And he couldn't stop looking at it. This killed some time during our long drives.

...............

My son actually channeled Robert DeNiro on our trip out! The famous, pained expression of ol' DeNiro is exactly what my son looked like in the back seat as he threw a royal fit about...I don't even remember what it was about, but he looked pretty funny. Like this guy:

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................

We also had a fabulous time watching our child play, play, play with other people's kids. Parker even bravely tried to sleep in one of these said child's room one night, but the other boy had to come get me. He said, "Parker says there's a ghost light in the room." Alas, no break from sleeping with Parker during vacation for me, and into bed with me he went.

................

Speaking of ghosts, we were lucky enough to be plagued by a Phantom Poo Poo on our long drive home. About every 30 minutes, Parker said his stomach hurt and that he had to poo poo. Wanting to avoid an accident, we fell for this ploy about 3 different times and stopped so he could go to the bathroom. No poo poo. Every time. But, hey, we got to have lots of fun running around another convenience store.

................

While sitting at The Kid Table one night for dinner, I could hear the kids sharing their ages.

"I'm eight!"

"I'm six!" etc.

"How old are you, Parker?"

"I'm 21."

................

My boy is keen on doing ear splitting screeches at random. They don't last long, and I never know when it's going to happen, so I can't really prevent it, and it's one of those things I just ignore and let go of. It's one of those things that mothers learn to tune out a bit. Until the child is around other people. Then it seems very apparent. It is a sort of high pitched WoooooOOOOOp! Like an angry peacock. Or a howler monkey.

I looked over at one of the 25 people at our Thanksgiving get together and said, "He just likes to make sure everyone's awake," and I offered an apologetic smile.

He said deadpan, "Well, we are."

It reminded me of an Elizabethtown clip - the one where the hyper little boy is always screaming and periodically wakes the old man. This guy:

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Which then inspires Orlando Bloom's character to play this TOTALLY AWESOME video for the hyper, loud boy.

Rusty's Learning to Listen
(You must watch this.)

.................

Some other pics from our trip:

Parker's first time on the ice! (Being held up by his daddy and aunts)

Watching the zamboni

Our Thanksgiving Menu Includes Cat Food

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:03:17 PST

Thank you for the kind response to my last post. I feel a renewed desire to keep working on my book!

I am also the proud recipient of an Editor's Choice award for Pocket Change at Become.com!

Award for Best Mom Blog

And, now, I cannot help but be reminded of last year when I wrote about my son eating money around Thanksgiving time, "Forget Turkey and Stuffing. I'll have Pennies and Dimes."

Last night, Parker ate cat food.

Parker threw up last night, and we thought he was getting sick. We fawned over him, set him up on the couch, and geared up for more vomit. Because, you know that when a child is sick and throws up, it doesn't just happen once. I thought it interesting he didn't have a fever.

Turns out, he gave cat food a try, and his body promptly rejected it.

He is fine. He is not sick. It's time to get ready for our Thanksgiving trip and leave the cats with a big honkin' pile of cat food - and no one to compete with for food.

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A Night with No Limits

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 08:01:02 PST

This week Write on Edge challenges us to write a short non-fiction or fiction piece about a road trip or a journey.

Mine is fiction and may or may not be from a book I'm writing. I'm shy about that. I just chose a quick snippet of it. It's the first snippet that's ever been shared at all here.

...............

The first stop could not be too far. The celebrating had to begin. An event that would cut the line between Before and After. Right off Interstate 17, traveling the lonely high desert of Arizona, there was one place that begged for a visit. What the universe knows, but people only wonder about, is that every single driver who has passed by the Rock Springs Café (with a sign boasting World’s Best Pies!) has wondered what it would be like to actually stop and take it in.

Moonlight competed with the flickering neon, a perfect combination on a night that had no limits. They were still buzzing with drug, ready for more drink. Kate pulled in to the gravel parking lot and felt the slowness of the car approaching the old building. Oh my god, they’re going to think we’re weird, Kate thought as she looked in the window where people sat at stools like they had sat there forever.

“This is going to be fun,” Marisa said, giving Kate a wink.

“Let’s do it!” Kate said, shutting off the car, feeling better already in the influence of Marisa’s confidence.

...............

Ok, I'm stopping there. I feel shy, like I said. Let me know what you think!

Meet Me on Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 08:50:26 PST

Need a little help this morning to catch up on things, so I'm linking up with Java for Meet Me on Monday!

Here's the questions:

1. Does your family/friends know about your blog?

Absolutely! I'm shameless about loving attention. If the people around you don't know about it, how can you get gushing compliments all the time?

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2. What is your favorite card game?

If I'm gambling, Black Jack. If I'm just hanging out having fun, Chop. I'm very competitive and don't like losing.

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3. What do you wear to bed?

Comfy cotton pajama pants and a tank top. You know, just like this girl.

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4. What is your favorite kind of French Fry?

Hmm, the crunchy, seasoned type. Perhaps spiral. With both ketchup and ranch. I love lots of flavor.

Mmm, Get in my belly!

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5. What is your usual bed time?

I read and go to bed about 9:00 pm. If I didn't have a kid, I'd be up much later than that because I'm more of a night owl. However, sleep is wayyyy too important to me, so I go to bed EARLY since I gotta get up early.

I don't iron, but maybe if I did, I'd look like this lady.

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How We Survived Reflux/Colic

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 18:23:12 PST

As I realize that some may land here to find “answers” to dealing with colic, I thought I’d give the top things that helped the most in our situation.

(Besides Zoloft for me)

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Our son was diagnosed with infant reflux at three weeks old. He had eczema. Chronic constipation started at one month. He was identified as having milk allergy at one month. Other food allergies started showing themselves with the introduction of solid foods around four months. Once the reflux was managed with medication, he still demonstrated classic “colic” for months (crying for no apparent reason for a prolonged period at a specific time of day).

Holy shit, right? Right.

So, here’s my list:

1. I stopped doing what all the different books said I should do and did what felt right for our family for the moment. This is what I call “mothering from your own heart.” For example, I threw away the book that had told me to never let my baby sleep with me, to be careful not to overfeed the recommended ounces per bottle, and to breastfeed at all costs. I’m not saying my way is the right way. You may throw away the book that is the opposite of all that because it works for you. Do what preserves sanity for you and your family. The reason this helps you survive reflux/colic is because it gives you permission to do what helps you survive for now, rather than judging yourself for not doing things “by the book.”

This book is shit.

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2. We were blessed with an awesome pediatrician and pediatric gastro-intestinal specialist who were with us every step of the way, willing to try different approaches.

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3. PREVACID. Prevacid was a God-send. Parker was prescribed the solu-tab. He would get a half dose in the morning and a half dose 12 hours later. We had some hoops to jump through to get this covered by insurance, but it was worth it. Parker took this for about one year. We tried to take him off at six and nine months, but in both instances, the reflux came right back and he aspirated (choked on the reflux and stopped breathing for a moment). The Prevacid relieved the arching, the pain, and decreased the screaming.

Thank you, God, for Prevacid.

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4. Elecare – A “superhypoallergenic” formula. I had a prescription for this and eventually got the right person on the phone at my insurance company and got it covered by insurance. Thank goodness because otherwise, it cost $50 per can. PER CAN. Roughly $600 a month. With insurance, it cost me about $100 a month. With Elecare, my baby could finally feed without it bringing him pain. Previously, I had the defeating experience of breastfeeding my baby, only to have him scream in pain afterward and choke on reflux. I was even on an extremely strict diet (white rice, broth, apples, water, and plain white meat chicken). I was losing weight rapidly. I breastfed for three weeks and pumped for an additional week after that. By the time we gave up on it, I was relieved and my son could finally feed and be…content.

WHY is some greedy asshole making MILLIONS from selling this to desperate mothers for $50 a can???

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5. Miralax for constipation. We tried every remedy out there. Every remedy. That only brought us to eventually having to do an infant enema. Not fun for anyone, especially the baby. Miralax kept my son pooping for three years, and let me tell you, that was relief for all!

Oh yeah, the BIG bottle.

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6. Thickening the bottle, especially for the night-time bottle. This helped to keep things down. Sometimes it’s a necessary thing for reflux kiddos, even though nutritionists warn against thickening bottles (your baby won’t learn his own “fullness signals” or gain too much). My boy has never been a chubby baby, and I think that refluxing up all of your food is hard enough on a digestive system without worrying about a “fullness signal.”

For crying out loud, KEEP IT DOWN!

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7. Keeping his bed at a 45 degree angle – My husband installed a piece of wood under my son’s crib mattress that kept my boy at an angle for years. When he outgrew the reflux, we kept it like that since it helped with all the, seemingly, constant colds two year olds get. My son slept with us for the first six months of life. We created this angled spot for him with blankets to have this angle going on.

Get the damn purple sex pillow out and make it useful! (I am not saying I have one of these, but I have heard of it.)

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8. AAT – Advanced Allergy Therapeutics - This is an emerging, alternative approach to treating allergies. There are not many people who can do it, so you’d have to Google it to find someone near you or in your region. Let me start by saying that after the first treatment, my son’s eczema was mostly gone. He’s now had three different treatments and is finally able to eat most things. We still avoid things that we haven’t treated that he is allergic to. We took him to a chiropractor 40 miles away who has had training in it. I was referred by the pharmacist at the Medicine Shoppe where I used to fill his Elecare formula.

Alternative treatments need to be talked about more!!

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Anyone have other experiences to help with their child's reflux/allergy/gastro-intestinal issues? Do share! Share for the moms out there looking for a place to start!

Moms Dealing with Colic: It's Going to be OK

noreply@blogger.com (Kristy) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:21:46 PST

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If God wants you to only have one child, he gives you a baby with colic to start with. At least, this is the lesson I've learned.

Why would I ever want to go through that again? Holy shit. No thanks.

My mother swears that the second one is easy. “The second one is an angel baby!”

I will not fall for that trap.

I don’t know why I thought that I would be free from the curse of colic. When I was pregnant, I just did not prepare myself for that (although, how does anyone prepare for colic?). No, I was a highly effective, organized, all-put-together type! I would have a highly effective, organized, all-put-together baby type too! Or at least a baby who followed a schedule and loved to snuggle and sleep, sleep, sleep all the live long day as I nuzzled his soft cheek and we lay in bed together, peaceful-like, just like pictures in magazines.

Instead, I remember hanging on to my last shred of sanity, hoping and waiting for the screaming to stop because there was really nothing that could ever help it stop.

One day, my husband told me I needed to get out. There were some things we needed at Target! Yes, I would go to Target. It was a glorious idea.

I had to wait for this angry baby to fall asleep so I could go. I was still breastfeeding, and I had to make my escape at a time that my body would not be needed.

I was very, very impressed by my husband’s bravery. I didn’t want to be alone with the thing, much less be a person without lactation services. “What if he wakes while I’m gone and starts crying and wants to feed?” I asked.

“I’ll deal with it. It’s ok,” he reassured me.

Eventually, the baby fell asleep. I was scared. It was my moment, and I was just scared. I suddenly felt urgent that I had to take care of this mission as quickly as possible. It had become an errand, something that must be done, rather than a chance to get out, but I made myself do it anyway.

I drove to Target in the rain, feeling strange to be alone in my car. Alone in my car with my own music. Like the person I used to be. I felt I would never be that person again. I felt that I was changed forever. And it freaked me out.

I hurried through Target. If anyone got in my way, I wanted to frantically scream, “I have a baby at home that screams and cries!! It could happen at any minute!! I have to be there, and you are in my way, you mother fucker!” Seriously. It was temporary insanity.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. The whole experience totally stressed me out. Freakin’ Target.

As I neared our street, a thought struck me dumb.

There’s no way I can ever go through this again.

I started bawling. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t have another baby! I wouldn’t be able to give my child a sibling. I was not cut out for this. How do all the other mothers do this?? How do they have more than one for crying out loud??

Something was wrong with me. Perhaps I wasn’t supposed to be a mom. Perhaps my husband and I were supposed to be those travel-types for the rest of our lives.

I pulled up to the house and didn’t know what would meet me on the other side. Crying? Quiet? Peace? Chaos? My home was no longer my sanctuary I could trust to get away from the world. It was filled with constant responsibility.

I dried my eyes, grabbed my bags, and walked inside. It was quiet.

I remember I was actually able to go crawl into bed with that sleeping baby and read a book for about an hour. Being near to him and knowing he was okay, while I was still able to do something I loved was exactly what I needed.

I wish I could have told myself back then, “It’s going to be ok. You will feel yourself again, sooner than you realize. You will get more and more of these beautiful moments all the time.”

Colic does not last forever. In fact, it is merely a blip in time. A hazing. Everything gets to be a whole lot more fun eventually.

But don’t ask me if I’m having another one.