When I was a kid cruising the local video store there was this movie. It was a movie with a black and white cover. And it was rated NC-17. I knew nothing about it, just that it was rated NC-17, and that was enough for me. What could it be? What could be in it to give such a rating? It was, and is, a rarely used rating. NC-17 is the kiss of death. No movie can make money that way. Here was a film that refused to be censored. That movie was Man Bites Dog. Years later, I watched the film. It has that 90′s vibe about it that many indie flicks, regardless of their country of origin, seemed to have. Made in Belgium, it’s a nasty piece of work about a man and a film crew that go around killing people for fun. It was meant to be real, and is all the more shocking, especially given how ahead of its time it really was. Silence, ca tue! is also from Belgium, and like Man Bites Dog, was banned there and in France. It’s also similar in that it’s about a guy with a film crew that kills people. But Man Bites Dog was iconic, and this film is not.

It’s hard not to compare the films, both being of similar subject matter and both being from the same country. And perhaps that’s not fair. Silence, ca tue! was supposed to be about the difficulties of getting an independent film made in Belgium. Like many European nations, the film industry there is controlled by the government. Sure, the gov will pay for your film, but it has to be a film they agree to make. Which means dull films that support the government’s ideals and the culture of the country. Subversive films are nearly impossible to make in a climate where independent financiers and venture capitalists are unheard of. It’s an alien idea to walk up to a dentist and as for him to invest in your little flick, which is exactly what Sam Raimi did to finance The Evil Dead. I get it. It’s a bummer to be a film maker in a country with no freedom of speech and no way to get your film financed. The problem is, what started as a plausibly good idea devolves in to constant bickering, and poorly done murder scenes that carry no weight and seem incongruous with the rest of the film. Seriously if it wasn’t for the couple of folks they bump off the whole film would have had no plot at all. As it stands, there’s barely one to speak of.

I hate trashing on indie flicks, especially flicks that actually try to say something, even feebly, but this one was difficult to get through. Honestly, the only thing it has going for it is its very short run time.

Czech filmmaker Karel Kachnya’s 1976 Malá Morská Víla (The Little Mermaid) is a unique take on the Hans Christian Andersen fairytale. Disregard any preconceived notion that this is a schmaltzy Disney-esque film though; it is a tragic tale of identity, doomed love and self sacrifice. The startlingly realised underwater kingdom in which most of the story unravels was actually filmed in a lime quarry, with moody lightning, camera trickery, striking costumes and the actors’ movements combining to create the submerged underwater feel. Most of the film takes place in this effectively conveyed undersea space as the little mermaid (Miroslava Safránková) becomes more inquisitive about the world above the waves. Eerie blue lighting, dark caverns that drip fire, icy-white statues of marine maidens with billowing sea-webs for hair and haunting cemeteries full of dead sailors, are but some of the unearthly beautiful images that swirl throughout the film.

Malá Morská Víla’s compelling chilliness is richly enhanced by Zdeněk Liška’s evocative score, which combines beautiful orchestral pieces with atmospheric sound effects and electronic washes to create a sub-aquatic, melancholic mood. From the serene calm of the ocean floor, to the crashing waves above, Liška conveys an abundance of moods with his ever-ebbing and flowing amalgamations of melodic orchestrations, choral pieces, strange percussive arrangements, song, and pulsing oceanic sound effects.

Zdeněk Liška was born in Smečno, a small town outside Prague, in 1922. He came from a musical family, both his grandfather and father played in a brass band, and he attended the Prague Conservatory during the war before composing music for documentaries and short films in the late Forties. Liška employed an experimental approach to his work, and often incorporated aspects of electronica into his orchestral compositions. Interestingly, according to Petr Ruttner’s 2000 documentary on the composer, Liška was also the first film composer to use the human voice as an instrument, and an integral part of instrumental music. He usually worked with filmmakers such as Jan Švankmajer, who was so fond of Liška’s work that when the composer passed away in 1983, Švankmajer vowed to only use classical music, if any, in his films from then on.

Malá Morská Víla’s soundtrack boasts tracks that combine the use of orchestral harmonies with electronic effects, notably The Pendant, which begins as a throbbing soundscape before melting into a tender chamber piece with flutes, harpsichords and a touch of Morricone inspired melancholia, and Pearls From The Deep; a gentle flute-led piece with quirky percussive accompaniment that gradually dissolves into clacking and menacing throbs. There are several overtly electronic pieces such as Witches Firewall and Statue of Salt 1 & 2, which exhibit a more sinister mood complete with echoic sound effects and cascades of pulsating, sonorous foreboding. Elsewhere several songs feature the alluring vocals of Lenka Korínková: Aquatic Babicka (soft string arrangements and harpsichord), The Song of the Siren (wordless chorals complete with gentle hand claps) and King of the Ocean (boasting faint whale song, woodwind, brass and sparkling glockenspiels) are akin to folk songs rippling up through ethereal blue depths. The whole soundtrack is saturated in a dreamy haze, and even the more jovial pieces have a dark edge to them, constantly reminding us of the tragedy that lies ahead. Once the story moves above the waves, the music becomes livelier, particularly tracks such as Games/Echoes, which creates a striking contrast with the pieces that accompany the placid dreaminess of the underwater scenes.

The soundtrack was re-mastered from the original master-tapes with the full consent of the Barrandov film studios in Prague, and released last year by the London-based Finders Keepers Records. The label has already released Czech soundtracks such as Valerie And Her Week Of Wonders and Daisies, but they described Liška’s score for Malá Morská Víla as “one of the most idiosyncratic and haunting undiscovered scores in the annals of European cinematic history.” Sadly, the film itself does not appear to be readily available with English subtitles. I can recall watching a dubbed version that my mother taped when it was shown on TV in the early Eighties (I was around five or six), and being quite affected by its sea-blue otherworldliness and tragic denouement.

Malá Morská Víla was made during the midst of the Czechoslovakian New Wave movement, a period marked by Soviet domination of the country. In 1968, and under the Warsaw Pact, Soviet authorities attempted to eradicate increasing anti-communist activism. This extended to cinema, as film studios were placed under new management and censorship was strictly enforced. As international films were restricted, particularly “bourgeois” Western cinema such as that from America, the New Wave filmmakers of the Sixties and Seventies became deeply influenced by Czech literature and sought to portray the mundane reality of everyday people. Grounding their work in indigenous literature was their way of retaining national identity despite the blitzkrieg of Russification. Certain directors chose to adapt fairytales, often using them as subversive metaphors for the oppressive society they were living in, to get their films past militant censors. While Malá Morská Víla doesn’t exhibit as blatantly obvious political metaphors as the likes of Valerie and Her Week of Wonders, it is still worth noting the socio-political backdrop of the time it was produced, and its themes concerning identity that are both poignant and pointed. That the mermaid loses her voice and is condemned to silence was also a plight felt by the Czech people of this period.

One of my favourite tracks from the album, and perhaps the best one to include here, is Sunken Dagger/The Little Mermaid, as it best represents the soundtrack as a whole. It features various recurring motifs from throughout the score, and combines ambient electronic moments, lush orchestral movements and haunting vocals by Lenka Korínková. Enjoy.

Waxwork (1988)
This woefully underrated gem features direction by Anthony Hickox of Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat fame and has some awesome gore and creature effects. Monsters, babes, and a horde of old fogies fighting beasts. A nice slice of 80′s cheese that always gets left out in the cold.

Card Subject To Change (2011)
I’ve never been into professional wrestling but I do love documentaries on the subject. This one focuses on the down and out and up an coming wrestlers working the indie circuit. For $20 a match these guys pummel each other and risk life and limb just to fulfill their dreams and entertain the fans. A great underdog doc and a tribute to the value of pursuing your dreams even if they don’t produce monetary results. Passion is what these guys have and it’s something we can all use more of.

Night of the Scarecrow (1995)
As a devout cinephile I’m always looking for lost gems. Rarely do I hit gold, but this one is genuine 14k. A standard story of a vengeful scarecrow goes into crazy country when said scarecrow is endowed with the ability to use corn in unimaginable ways. Wanna see a woman give birth to a stalk of corn? Just check out the picture above. This flick is full tilt awesome, with great gore effects and not much else. This one should be enjoyed with friends so you can help each other re-insert your eyeballs after they pop out.

The Black Cat (1989)
Dario Argento protégé Luigi Cozzi, of Contamination fame, directed this attempt at an unofficial third film in Argento’s Three Mothers trilogy (that started with Suspiria). Honestly, it’s better than The Mother of Tears, but then again, that’s not exactly hard. Cool effects and a garbled plot that only the Italians couldn pull off, the film was also marketed as yet another Demons sequel, this one called Demons 6!

Funland (1986)
I always saw the cover of this one at my local mom and pop video store as a kid and wanted badly to rent it. It had a dude dressed up as a clown and toting a shotgun while screaming. Pretty killer. Turns out this is a seriously black comedy about a mentally disturbed amusement park mascot who gets pushed too far and decides to kill the gangsters that have bought the park. An awesome flick that must have had a tough time in the marketing department as it doesn’t easily fit any molds. Is it a drama? Is it a goofy comedy? Is it a mean-spirited black comedy? Is it a satire? It’s all of these things and goes against the feel-good comedies common in the rad decade of the ’80s. Ahead of its time and definitely worth a watch.

Super Bonus! For those of you who can’t get enough Charles Bronson, available on Crackle only, check out The Stone Killer (1973). Filled with over the top action, tons of shooting, car chases, murder, mafia, setups, liberal use of racial slurs, and one badass dude with one badass mustache. Seriously, this one doesn’t disappoint and must rank amongst his most violent flicks, and that’s saying a ton.

There were two specific defining events in my life that directly and intensely influenced what can effectively frighten me as an adult.

The first was a reoccurring thing that happened around when I was four or five years old. My father was greatly amused by the fact that there were two songs that never failed to scare the bejesus out of me. The first was Mama by Genesis. Phil Collins’ demented cackling was incredibly disturbing to me. The other was Careful with that Axe Eugene by Pink Floyd. My dad told me a story that went along with the song. It was horrifying. I wrote the story out (filling in the spaces of what I couldn’t remember) a few years ago.

In the middle of the song, the only lyric, which has no context and is simply the line “Careful with that axe Eugene,” is whispered and then followed by a blood curdling screech.

As an adult, I understand that it was just Roger Waters screaming into the microphone like a weirdo. But as a kid, because of that story (and because Roger has a very feminine scream) I believed it was the sound of a woman being murdered with an axe.

That song still makes the skin on my back crawl and my heart thud up into my chest.

The other thing that happened when I was a kid was in elementary school. Maybe the second grade. We watched a movie called Darby O’Gill and the Little People. It’s a silly ass movie from 1959, back when Disney was trying to make live action movies work. The movie itself is forgettable but there’s a scene in there where this banshee shows up and is wailing and screaming and it scared the ever loving shit out of me.

Now, there are some people out there (usually horror movie fans) who love to tell you that they don’t get scared at horror movies. Nothing phases them. It’s such a weird, childish thing to be proud of. I don’t know if it makes them feel more mature or somehow tough? I don’t get it. Needless to say, I am not one of those people. A good horror movie (especially a ghost story) can really frighten me. I’m not ashamed to admit that after watching a particularly scary movie, I immediately turn on all the lights and I get a little freaked out going to the bathroom with that shower curtain conveniently closed (likely hiding the rotting woman from The Shining behind it).

For all of the reasons I just listed, The Woman in Black did a bang up job scaring the shit out of me. It had pretty much everything needed to freak me the fuck out. It had ghosts. It had screaming, floating, evil women ghosts. It had freaky dead children ghosts. It had fucking creepy ass wind up toys and scary, decrepit old mansion. It had freaky screaming evil women ghosts hanging themselves (which, thanks to Salem’s Lot, also scares the crap out of me). It had a lot of scary shit in it.

Hold on. Let me back up and start again.

First of all, it’s a Hammer film. It’s a real Hammer film. Finally, this modern iteration of Hammer Film Productions has produced a film that is worthy of the Hammer name. So far, the modern Hammer films have been a mixed bag of weirdness, none of which really fit thematically with the image and style you would normally associate with Hammer. They did the wonderful remake of Let the Right One In, but it was hardly the gothic horror you would expect from this company.

The Woman in Black is a Hammer film through and through. The only thing missing was Ingrid Pitt and her wonderful vampire boobs (though on a related note, it’s worth mentioning that perhaps you should do a Google image search for the very lovely and talented writer of The Woman in Black, Jane Goldman). It’s saturated with gothic misery and atmosphere, almost to the point being funny, though sweetly and completely sincere. Unlike, say, The Wolfman (which I actually enjoyed quite a lot, contrary to popular opinion), there’s nothing tongue-in-cheek about the gothic atmosphere of this movie. It’s played completely straight, and god bless them for it.

It’s easy to buy Daniel Radcliffe as a sad, over burdened, helplessly confused and outmatched British dude up against unspeakable evil. It’s pretty much the role he’s been playing his entire career. Which isn’t meant as an insult or a complaint. In fact, if anything, it’s probably the perfect way to transition him out of Hogwarts and into the life of a regular working actor in Hollywood. There was just enough Harry Potter in the character to keep the experience from being awkward, and just enough grownup maturity to allow us to see the character stand on its own legs. It was a respectable performance from a promising young actor.

Especially since there’s barely a moment in the film where he isn’t on camera. There are very few characters in the movie, and the ones that do populate this world are constantly interacting with him. So it’s a big role, all things considered.

Radcliffe plays a real estate lawyer who has been tasked with cataloging and examining the paperwork of an eccentric, reclusive woman who died a month earlier. He has to leave his four year old son and travel to this mysterious, remote village (of course) and work in a run down, creepy ass old mansion in the middle of the marshland. Of course the town folk don’t want him there and are hiding some sort of secret, and of course he also starts to see a bunch of crazy, scary shit. I won’t get into anything specific, but it’s fair to say that things escalate and get crazy pretty quickly.

Ciaran Hinds plays Daniel’s only friend in town, and he’s fine as the standard skeptical friend with a few secrets of his own. He manages to dial back his weird mugging which was appreciated.

The movie did a good job keeping the atmosphere going and the tension in a steady upward trajectory. The gothic tone and over all strangeness of the environment made it easy to stay on edge, even during scenes where nothing particularly scary was happening. Like most haunted house stories, there was a mystery to uncover, and also like most haunted house stories, you’re left wondering why the lead character doesn’t just bail immediately after seeing the first ghost.

But that’s okay, because that’s how these movies go. If characters acted like real people and hauled ass as soon as creepy shit started happening, we’d have no movie. Also, it’s tradition as much as anything else. It’s part of the equation, just like the small town full of suspicious weirdos.

In the end, I really enjoyed The Woman in Black. It was a very simple movie, with an easily digestible story and characters drawn in broad, cartoony strokes… but that’s okay, because it’s a Hammer movie. It’s all about the atmosphere and melodrama and, of course, the horror. Most of all, it’s about the fun. These are fun, silly movies and The Woman in Black is a lovingly crafted, perfectly appropriate addition to that fine catalogue.

—

PS

It was directed by James Watkins, who directed the movie Eden Lake, which I also enjoyed and reviewed here.

I grew up in the ’9os. It was a time when every week on Fox there was a new “When Animals Attack” or “Deadliest Police Shootouts,” and Real TV ruled the airwaves. I remember vividly one particular show was advertising real death, and a teacher of mine watched it and spoke about it class in disbelief. Now with Youtube ,and the internet in general, it’s much easier to find crazy footage and share it amongst friends. There was a time though, when these images weren’t seen. Cameras were expensive and were mostly used to film home movies rather then capture the bizarre and violent. Charlie Ahearn, director of Wild Style did just that. Living in a small apartment in Times Square, he filmed the strange and disturbing sights right outside his window during the 1980s. Doin’ Time in Times Square is a vérité documentary of that footage.

No narration, titles, or music, the film is the raw experience of living in NYC before the streets were cleaned up. Fights, arguments, prostitutes, drug deals, bums, drunks, and New Year’s partiers populate this shocking film; intercut with footage of his young family having birthday parties and enjoying holidays. The juxtaposition of these clips helps to show just how ugly the world was outside his window. We see his cute children and his wife going through the normal motions of life, while outside we see the worst the world has to offer. Just when the violent denizens of the street become normal we are snapped back to reality by the wholesome footage and horrified again by the depravity. The whole time I was watching, I wondered why he didn’t call the police, or in some instances, rush out to help. Making me see what was going on and not being able to do anything about it was truly frustrating and I imagine that was exactly how he felt witnessing it. Helpless. What can one man do? It isn’t a movie. It’s real life. We are conditioned to view films and root for the hero; look for the good guy. But here, it’s real life with real life consequences. It’s an interesting doc to be sure and a unique artifact of a time gone by. The streets have been cleaned up and the Big Apple is rotten no more, or at least that’s the image the corporate owned Times Square wants us to believe. But it was not long ago it truly was a dangerous place to be.

Doin’ Time in Times Square is like Taxi Driver. Only real.

So we’ve finally gotten to the point that the “found footage” technique has bleed over into other genres outside of horror. I see that as a positive step.

In this case, we’re talking about the superhero movie Chronicle.

The basic story of Chronicle (and I won’t go into anything more specific than what’s in the trailer) is that three high-school kids stumble across a hole in the ground full of some mysterious powerful shit. This mysterious powerful shit imbues them with a number of superpowers, the most prevalent being telekinesis and a Superman like ability to resist physical damage. The bulk of the movie follows the three boys as they learn what they are capable of and how they want to use these powers.

The movie was written by Max Landis (son of John) and is both a tribute to and reinvention of the superhero mythos. It’s very much an origin story in the classic comic book formula and roles are divvied out pretty quickly. It’s obvious (especially to people familiar with comic book superheroes) right from the beginning who’s going to be the hero and who’s going to be the villain. They even gave a nice little nod to Superman by making the hero’s girlfriend a video blogger who is constantly interviewing everyone and documenting everything. A Lois Lane for the a new generation.

I enjoyed the movie, and more than anything, it made me want to see more of what this team of fimmakers (Landis and director Josh Trank) can do with this story. Like most origin tales, it left me itching for the actual story. Part of that was because they didn’t quite define things as much as I would have liked.

Now, I’m in awkward position here, because more often than not, I criticize movies for feeling the need to tie everything up and explain everything to the audience. I can appreciate vagueness in a movie and I respect an artists who can hold back information and trust that the audience will follow them through to the end.

That said, I kind of wanted them to define these characters in superhero terms just a little bit more than they did. Not because I didn’t understand it, but just because I like superheroes and comic book storytelling. I like being able to appreciate those comic book elements in a new way, and I feel like this movie could have done that a little more. That’s more my baggage than a flaw in the movie.

I think part of the problem is that there was a little bit of me that desperately wanted the movie to be a new Unbreakable. I’m in the minority of people who absolutely loved Unbreakable and the unique spin it took on superhero mythology. Watching this movie, I couldn’t help but be constantly reminded of Unbreakable, which left me somewhat disappointed. Because while Chronicle was a fun movie and an interesting movie and, I think, an important movie, it’s no Unbreakable. To me, Unbreakable is a damned near perfect movie.

Again, my baggage. It’s not fair to compare the two because they’re really are two very different movies that just happen to cover similar ideas.

I had minors issues with the movie. There were a few parts where I felt like the footage we were watching was far too slick to be incorporated into this found footage film. It’s supposed to be shot on a modern handi-cam, but there were scenes (specifically when they were flying) that just felt like modern computer aided filmmaking. I think that if they had been able to allow the camera to be a little shittier and the image to be a bit darker and grainier and shakier when they were dicking around up in the clouds, the gravity (no pun) of the situation would have been much more intense and it would have been a more visceral experience.

There’s a massive fight sequence in the movie that seemed to go on for hours. It was cool looking and all, but it felt like half the movie was dedicated to it. I suspect that that fight sequence was the genesis of the movie. It seemed to be the sequence that best used the found footage technique, and they did a good job of using that style to take something that we might take for granted in movies and firmly plant it in the real world. That is, what would a superhero fight look like from the ground?

It reminded me of the Alex Ross painted comic book mini-series Marvels, which examined the world of Marvel Comics from the perspective of a newspaper reporter.

That aspect of it I could certainly appreciate. I’m a big fan of reexamining genres and modern mythology from new perspectives. I’m especially fond of taking fantastic ideas and applying them to the real world.

The ending of the movie was a little odd. Obviously I won’t spoil anything, but it’s either really vague or it’s so simple that I’m looking for deeper meaning that isn’t there. If anyone who’s seen the movie has any kind of information or an idea of what they think happened in that last scene, send me a message or something, because I’d like to talk about it. Perhaps there was something after the credits that I missed.

It’s worth linking the short film Max Landis made, which has an insane amount of famous people acting in what appears to be something a bunch of kids made for twenty bucks. The short is relevant to the subject matter at hand, which is why I’m linking it.

The last thing I want to say is that the actor playing the main character (Dane DeHaan) reminded me so much of Leonardo DiCaprio in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape that I found it a little distracting at times. I kept wanting him to start screaming “I COULD HAVE DROWNDED!”

I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean, there are worse things in the world than looking like Leonardo DiCaprio.

The Tree of Life

Upon first viewing Tree of Life I was pretty lukewarm. It wasn’t until I started talking about it that I realized how taken with the film I was. Both Jessica Chastain and Brad Pitt are fabulous. Chastain is simply luminous (and will come up again in this list). It’s nontraditional narrative makes the viewing experience, well, nontraditional. I’m glad I gave myself some time to sit with this film. Over time, it’s proven to be something I had to  experience rather than simply watch.

X-Men: First Class

Yes, it’s overlong. No, it isn’t perfect. But I’ll be damned if this isn’t my favorite superhero film since… maybe ever. Much of that has to do with the time period it’s set in, and the casting. James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, and Jennifer Lawrence (even though she is a bit wasted) elevate this film from cheesy to genuinely dramatic. I’m purposely not talking about January Jones. First Class does a lot of things right. The film has balance and heart, and it never forgets what it is.

Hobo with a Shotgun

At one point in 2011 I proclaimed this was “the best movie I’ve ever seen!” I came down from my Hobo high, and, although I no longer make such bold proclamations in its honor, it still made a huge impact on me. Vile, gory, and over-the-top, HwaS  sets itself apart and proves it’s more than fodder for gorehounds. Whether you buy into the characters and their emotions has much to do with whether you’ll go along for this ride. This is Rutger Hauer’s film. Yet another entry on this list that owes a lot to its casting.

Beginners

This wasn’t even on my radar until I saw people reblogging stills like mad on tumblr. I’m glad I pushed it to the top of my queue. Sometimes a film will make an impact simply because you find it at the right time. Beginners fell into my lap, grabbed hold of my heart, and ripped me to emotional shreds. 2 weeks earlier I may not have been so deeply touched. I think I forgot how wonderful Ewan McGregor can be. This film is the perfect platform for his awkwardly innocent charms.

Attack the Block

Most folks have already jumped on the bandwagon, but if you’re avoiding it for whatever reason, stop. This film (like many others on this list) has a lot of heart and is so much more than its simple synopsis; much more than an alien invasion flick.

Melancholia

If you keep up with my entries, you probably already know my feelings on this one. Melancholia ruined my day. And I mean that in the best way possible. Here’s my 100 word review. I think it says it all.

Take Shelter

When Michael Shannon and Jeff Nichols get together, amazing things happen. This quiet, meditative film belongs to its leads. Shannon is mesmerizing. His every choice, action, and reaction fills us with anxiety. We know, in our hearts and in our veins, that things aren’t going to end well. Jessica Chastain (there she is again!) helps turn a character that could have been a simple caricature into an empathetic female counterpart to Shannon. Here are 100 more words about Take Shelter.

Another Earth

People really (like, really really) don’t like this film. Co-writer/star Brit Marling spoke to me through this film. The Rhoda character is so weighed down by regret, fear, sadness, and a myriad other completely relatable and understandable emotions that I aligned with her instantly. So on that front, I’m sold. Now on the flip side, the idea of another Earth, with another me on it, scares the shit out of me. The thought alone leaves me frozen in terror. This film forced me to sit there and attempt to wrap my brain around meeting myself. What if you met the other you and didn’t like who you were faced with? (I’m well aware that this irrational fear speaks volumes about me.) The film’s closing shows the exact things I spent the whole run time worrying about: Rhoda meets Rhoda. For me, Another Earth succeed in everything it set out to do.

Young Adult

The second this film ended, I wanted to watch it again. My original feelings can be found here. Since viewing Young Adult I watched United States of Tara in its entirety, and now feel even more confident saying Diablo Cody is fucking amazing. YA has her finger prints all over it. This film ranks so high because of the balance it strikes. It has an immense amount of rewatchability, and is infinitely entertaining. It also manages to dig further below the surface than a Bad Teacher (another film with an unlikable female protagonist) or a 30 Minutes or Less (a dark comedy I thoroughly enjoyed). This film provides a very bittersweet viewing experience. I liked how uncomfortable it was able make me.

Shame

Unlike Young Adult, I will never watch this film again. It haunts me still. I was deeply disturbed by the desperation of the main characters (Fassbender and Mulligan, respectively). Shame isn’t about the sex. The sex is just a means to an end. And that end is such a dark hole or despair and yearning that simply thinking about it leaves a lump in my throat. This film presents you with characters and you have a short window to decide how far you’re willing to go with them. If you hang on for the ride, you come out on the other side weighed down like a lead balloon. Shame is not a fairy story; Brandon and Sissy exist and their arcs are completely believable. Many of the films that spoke to me in 2011 are heavy with sadness and hopelessness. Many of the characters I met were complex, sour, and guilty of poor decision making. Shame is all of the above, and it handles it the best.

This means that, while I may not be able to tell you about the dangers of the final frontier, I am well-versed in the dangers people face when venturing north in film and television. My finely-honed survival skills are a product of years spent watching movies set in Alaska; and so, inspired by this weekend’s release of The Grey, here is my list of all the dangers you might face in Alaska and how best to deal with them. And remember, if any of these seem less-than-factual, I would kindly like to remind you that only one of us is actually from Alaska, and it isn’t you. So shut up already.

Plane Crashes
Survival Tips Courtesy Of: The Grey, Alaska, The Edge

We can name this Survival Rule #1 or, if you prefer, the rule of “Chekov’s Plane.” Any time you see a character get on a plane in a movie set in Alaska, that bitch is going down. It doesn’t matter if the character is a bush pilot with thousands of hours of experience or a commercial airliner, there will soon be a shot of airline wreckage scattered across the snow. So the first real survival tip is, hey, don’t get on a plane in Alaska. However, if you absolutely must fly, there are several things you can do to improve your chances of survival. First of all, don’t be the pilot. If you happen to have a pilot’s license, for the love of God, let someone else fly. And second of all, if your plane is going down, aim for the side of a mountain. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the survival rates on cinematic plane crashes don’t lie. The plane in The Grey landed in a snowfield, and almost everyone died. The plane in The Edge landed in a lake, and one-out-of-four people died. But the plane in Alaska? Straight into the side of a cliff, and we’re looking at a 100% survival rate! True, it was only one guy, and it is a children’s movie, but math is math.

The Undead
Survival Tips Courtesy Of: 30 Days of Night, Resident Evil: Extinction

“Is it always dark in Alaska?” I get this question a lot, but I know what the person is really asking: do we have to worry about vampires? The answer is yes, constantly. During the winter, stores have an 800% mark-up on garlic. Extra priests are flown in from Washington and Oregon to make sure that we have a continuous supply of holy water. Small children spend the summer months bottling sunshine to put outside our doors and scare off the vampires. Thankfully, the undead are at a bit of a disadvantage – as the blood of vampires and zombies no longer circulates, many of them will freeze solid during the winter. This leads the annual spring “Vampire Explode-Off,” where everyone brings the frozen vampire statutes that they’ve collected and whole towns gather to watch them explode into puffs of smoke. As far as rules for survival go, if you’ve seen one monster movie, you know the basics. Sunlight for vampires, headshots for zombies. Why do you think so many Alaskans own guns? One last note – if you’re traveling through Alaska and are a bit of a goth person, leave the black lipstick and the Goodwill prom dress at home or face the consequences.

Wild Animals
Survival Tips Courtesy Of: The Grey, The Edge

Both of the above movies depict Alaskan wildlife (namely, wolves and a giant-ass bear, respectively) that stalk the humans and demonstrate a savage intelligence in their desire to kill. But should we really be afraid of bears and wolves? P.E.T.A., for example, has been all over the recent release of The Grey for its negative depiction of wolves. Likewise, most safety tips regarding bears make no mention of designing homemade spears or hitting them in the face with torches. So who to believe? Animal activists and park rangers, or Hollywood? In Hollywood’s favor, it has been right about many things in the past, ranging from the secrets of the DaVinci code to the upcoming global disaster (starring John Cusack!) in 2012. I say, believe Hollywood. And that is why you should always travel with automatic rifles in shatter-proof cases. Maybe wolves won’t stalk you and eat your friends. If they do, would you rather be fighting them with a knife and beer bottles strapped to your fingers, or an AK-47? Imagine you shooting at swarms of arctic wolves in slow motion, maybe with “Mad World” by Gary Jules playing on your iPod. It won’t make the animal activists happy, but it would make for a pretty good movie.

Murderous Rampages
Survival Tips Courtesy of: Insomnia, X-Files episode “Ice”

As if the prospect of monsters and killer animals wasn’t enough, we often have to worry about people who have gone crazy and want to kill us too. Alaska has the dubious honor of ranking 2nd among states in suicide rates – book-ended between Montana and Wyoming which, let’s face it, makes sense – so we already know that Alaska is full of emotionally volatile people. Throw in the harsh winters, lack of sunlight, and desolation, and you’ve got yourself a crockpot of violence (I’m always surprised that the relationship-stress comedy The Proposal didn’t end with Ryan Reynolds going all Jack Torrance on Sandra Bullock). All it takes is a little bit of a push. Sometimes that can be a simple accident that takes place on a foggy night, other times it can be an alien parasite that gets into your bloodstream and controls your brain. Either way, preventative measures are often the cure. Always travel through Alaska with a large supply of stress balls and scented candles. Never look an Alaskan straight in the eye, as they may view that as a challenge and charge. And most importantly, never, ever bring up Sarah Palin. Murderous rage will ensue.

Idealism
Survival Tips Courtesy of: Into the Wild

None. You’re fucked.

Let’s get down to business (because, seriously, I need to talk about this one). Liz and her younger brother Toby live with their aunt and uncle. Toby has a duck that he yanks around by the rope that’s tied to his leg (!). He often slips into elaborate daydreams wherein he is some kind of hero and/or champion. In these fantasies, he pokes and prods the duck. Oh, and the duck’s name is Federico. He and Toby will someday be famous race car drivers. The kids’ aunt and uncle decide to house a Cambodian boy named Hoang. This seems like a noble gesture, but the odd close-ups of the all 3 children’s pained faces as the adults command them to kiss hello made me uncomfortable.

In fact, a lot of this film made me uncomfortable, and not just Toby’s duck poking. Hoang and the siblings become fast friends and soon the boy begins to express a desire to get back to Cambodia… to marry his mother. This isn’t some subtle Oedipal undercurrent that I was able to decipher because I’m super good at movie watching. Hoang says, “If I get married it’ll be to my mother.” Liz even asks him if he’ll know how to kiss his mother when he gets home. He says no and then they give each other an admittedly innocent peck on the lips, but still. It was a weird sexual awakening sort of moment that seemed odd in a story about a steam engine. Oh man, I haven’t even mentioned the train yet.

The scenes of the kids at home are inter-cut with them finding, fixing up, and learning to operate, the aforementioned steam engine. This is where Mickey Rooney comes in. He is the titular Emperor of Peru a.k.a. the looney tax dodging dude confined to a wheelchair who lives in the woods.  In between giving life lessons, he goes on wild, most likely unscripted, rants. These monologues make little sense and become truly grating as the film chugs on. There are times when the kids look bored out of their skulls. For whatever reason, he encourages these 3 minors to scrub the rust off the train and use it to bring Hoang home to Cambodia.

I realize this review might not make sense. But guess what, neither does this film. At one point, just as I settled into the crazy, thinking nothing could surprise me, 3 sad hobo clowns show up! They walk on a wire, feed each other grapes, and then leave! This movie is insane! And I love it! This is 1980′s children’s cinema at its finest: bizarre, inappropriate, jaw-dropping. At one point Toby proclaims that he’s “braver than Popeye; braver than Joan of Arc.” There are also scenes of Cambodian folks being terrorized. I nearly shed a tear as Hoang is separated from his mother. That is until he says, “You could put me inside your tummy and pretend I’m your pet dog or cat.” I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel about that.

Treasure Train (which is what we shall call it for now because that is the title on its Blu-ray release) is fantastically bizarre. Toby is awesome and the most entertaining part of the film. In a perfect world, all the Rooney crowing would be removed and replaced by the outlandish explorations the young boy concocts in that flaxen melon of his.

The Blu-ray is being released by Odyssey Moving Images, the new label from Cult Epics owner Nico Bruinsma. Treasure Train‘s transfer is lovely and boasts an new interview with Mickey Rooney. I’m looking forward to seeing what other titles are unearthed.

I am a huge fan of Australian cinema. When I was a wee lad I discovered The Road Warrior and loved it. The camera work was like nothing I had ever seen. The landscape was barren yet beautiful and the cars are still unrivaled in film. I have yet to visit the land down under, though some day I hope to visit their sunny shores and meet Crocodile Dundee. In recent years I’ve devoured any films made there and I jumped at the chance to see some ultra rare vintage 70′s sexploitation. Australia After Dark and The ABC’s of Love and Sex Australia Style were made during a small window of cinematic freedom in Australia. The Australian film board became increasingly prudish as time went on, just as our own film boards became more open and free, thus killing Australia’s ability to compete. Only in recent years with the success of Wolf Creek are we seeing a new influx of genre filmmaking from Australia, and it’s about damn time.

First up we have Australia After Dark (1975) directed by John D. Lamond of Felicity fame. The film is a documentary from the Mondo school of filmmaking. Rather than being an investigative or educational production, the film is simply a silly romp through Australian culture, leaning heavily on the sexual world. We get to see nude body painting, a custom bikini maker, nude scuba diving, occult sexual practices, and more. The film is fun and airy for the most part, although an incongruous section involving the plight of the aboriginal peoples weighs the piece down. I have to wonder if maybe its inclusion was either made to appease censors or pad the film. Beer drinking competitions, an arty comedy performance of a muscular dude in drag, and a shemale striptease are also included among other odd and intentionally “shocking” scenes that haven’t really aged well. The film quality is certainly on the grainy side, but the film was supposedly thought lost and discovered at an old drive-in, so I can’t fault the print quality too much. If you were hoping for a glossy flick, look else where, because this one does show its age. Clearly Australia After Dark was a cheaply made cash grab flick meant to shock and titillate its audiences, but it still remains a fun time killer.

Next we have The ABCs of Love and Sex Australia Style (1978) also directed by John D. Lamond. Softcore (and a couple hardcore shots) fans rejoice! This one delivers on its title in spades. Taking and educational direction, The ABCs of Love is a fun sex romp that starts with A, ends with Z, and has tons of nudity in between. One way that early pornographers were able to publicly screen their films here in the states was by making them educational in some way. For example, the birth of a child, starting with the act of conception of course, and this flick takes that tactic to its near end. With such subjects as: kissing, masturbation, love, contraception, genitals, seduction, and erotica, the film really covers all the bases. Honestly, given the time in which it was made, some of the information would have been difficult to access and could have proven to be quite helpful to those that watched. In our day of instant information access, it feels like a lost relic, but in a very good way. The flick provides a fun, and at times graphic, depiction of sex and somehow seems more innocent then the aggressive and disgusting depictions of sex we are inundated with today. Here, it is meant to be enjoyed and is not peddled as a commodity, which I felt was quite refreshing. Although it’s quite clear sex was used to make this flick crank a buck, it doesn’t effect the spirit of the film. It really plays like an instructional manual on the art of lovemaking without being preachy or serious. Of the two, this one is the winner for those curious enough to seek these out.

Intervision has once again proven to be a real contender in the niche DVD market and I’m eagerly waiting to see what they unearth next.