While I firmly believe in the idea of Parent to Launch, I do not have the time necessary to adequately keep this site going.

The site will remain so the articles will be available for referral in the future. In the future the hold may lift – but for now, all my time is dedicated to Simple Marriage. Thank you for your readership during this initial start-up.

Many blessings to you and your family.

photo credit: papalars

Editor’s Note: An article taken from Foster Cline, M.D., of Love and Logic.

I read parenting book after parenting book these days that emphasize

• understanding your child
• searching for her reasons for misbehavior
• if your children are misbehaving, understand and nurture them

The importance of giving children loving nurturing and understanding cannot be over-emphasized. It’s absolutely important. And love is the most important complement of all lasting relationships.

But giving love and understanding is not the whole story. In fact, when high functioning and loving parents have trouble with their children, it is not often because they haven’t been loving or nurturing enough.

Sometimes it is because the parents in their love have made understanding the reasons for misbehavior synonymous with excusing misbehavior.

Let’s get something straight. There are always reasons for misbehavior and reasons for misbehavior can always be understood. In this world, there is much misbehavior by individuals, groups and nations which should be understood… but not excused!

Let us look at some examples:

If I were to develop a serious brain tumor, I could be disrespectful, antagonistic, or, heaven forbid, even abusive to my wife. A brain tumor is an excellent reason for misbehavior. And when misbehavior is understood, dealing with the underlying cause may be essential. I, with my brain tumor, might be helped by surgery. Perhaps my behavior could be helped with certain medication. At other times, it’s important to deal with the behavior, regardless of cause. For instance, in my present non-compromised thinking, I would never want my wife to put up with abusive behavior regardless of cause. I might need to be farmed out. I might need a lot of home health care delivered by people who would be paid to put up with me.

Likewise, a child not having enough sleep, or feeling misunderstood by his teacher has reasons for treating his mother with snarky lack of compliance. That doesn’t mean she should put up with it or excuse it.

Raising a victim:

“Eric, I’m going to the store.”

“Can I go with you?”

“You were not very nice yesterday in the store.”

“Yeah, but I was tired.”

“Well, are you tired today?”

“No.”

“Are you going to act differently?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, get your coat.”

The child learns, when I’m tired it’s understandable and okay to misbehave.

Someday, down the line, it will be perfectly acceptable for Eric to rationalize screaming at his wife because he had a hard day at work.

Raising a victor:

“Eric, I’m going to the store.”

“Can I go with you?”

“You were not very nice yesterday in the store.”

“Yeah, but I was tired.”

“Are you tired today?”

“No.”

“Well, that’s wonderful! Now your amazing brain can figure out how to get more sleep or how to control yourself if you are tired. Let me know your thoughts. I’m interested in them. See you in a little bit. Bye.”

The child learns, “When I am tired my behavior can become unacceptable. Misbehavior has consequences no matter what the reason. I better figure out how to cope with being tired or making sure I have enough sleep.”

Because human nature is human nature; because there are similarities between groups of people and children; because his parents and leaders are in similar positions and often deal with similar issues, it is hard for me to watch much of the atrocious behavior of the nations being excused and not consequenced because there is a reason for their grievance.

photo credit: bredgur

Editor’s Note: An article taken from Jim Fay, founder of Love and Logic.

Kids seem to have a repertoire of “hooks” they use to get their parents to argue with them. Here are some Love and Logic One-Liners that will get parents off the hook and cause children to do more of the thinking.

Remember: The “one-liners” are only effective when said with genuine compassion and understanding. These are never intended to be flippant remarks that discount the feelings of the child. If an adult uses these responses to try to get the better of a child, the problem will only become worse. The adult’s own attitude at these times is crucial to success.

• “Probably so.”
• “I know.”
• “Nice try.”
• “I bet it feels that way.”
• “What do you think you’re going to do.”
• “I don’t know. What do you think?”
• “Bummer. How sad.”
• “Thanks for sharing that.”
• “Don’t worry about it now.”
• “That’s an option.”
• “I bet that’s true.”
• “Maybe you’ll like what we have for the next meal better.”
• “What do you think I think about that?”
• “I’m not sure how to react to that. I’ll have to get back to you on it.”
• “I’ll let you know what will work for me.”
• “I’ll love you wherever you live.”

photo credit: jurvetson

Early on in my counseling career I worked with a family in full Senioritis mode. Their son was a good student, busy in extra-curricular activities and sports, had a part time job, and a good group of friends. As soon as Spring hit, tensions in the house rose between he and his parents, especially his father.

They were fighting frequently and the fights were escalating with each exchange. They sought help in order to come up with some ways to co-exist until their son left for college. They recognized that to a degree, what was going on between them was natural.

Call it pre-launch jitters if you will. The son was ready to be off on his own, the parents were ready for him to move on to the next phase of life, but the countdown was too slow.

There are natural progressions to a family’s development and launch of their children. It’s completely normal! And whether this launch involves a high schooler leaving the nest for college, a student entering middleschool, or a child entering Kindergarten, tension spikes in the household are bound to happen.

Here are a few things to watch for and ways to address the launches.

1. Increase in the tension between you.

This is often experienced by both the parent and the child. The exchanges are more reactionary and abrupt. Often this is a gradual shift and doesn’t occur overnight.

What you can do: Recognize the tension and calm yourself down by leaving the conversations before escalating. Model being an adult who can handle themselves and re-engage when you’re more rational and calm. You can still address any bad behaviors, they don’t have to be handled all at once.

2. More frustration experienced by the child.

Part of launching into a new phase of life involves quite a bit of fear and frustration. A Senior ready to go to college may be scared about the future. This is normal. They may be frustrated that they still have to follow your rules while they think of themselves as an adult.

The increase in frustration in the child also applies to younger children. Each time one of my children approached a milestone in their development (i.e. walking, talking, starting school, etc.) their frustration levels increased. This is mainly the result of wanting to achieve the next level but being unable to master it quickly. Let’s face it, walking, talking, school and living on your own take time to adjust to and master.

What you can do: Probably the best thing you can to is back off a bit and allow the child to develop the necessary skills each stage requires. Let them struggle through this growth opportunity while you are available as a support if and when needed. Offer your love by being empathetic to their struggle, but don’t shelter them from it. Tell them “I love you” often.

3. Planning a launch.

In many cultures there are rights of passage as a boy becomes a man or a girl becomes a woman. Each stage launch should be celebrated. As your child grows, each stage can be planned for. A pre-middleschool vision quest, a pre-high school family trip, a full blown launch party for college or adulthood. Knowing these times will occur can really help ease some of the uncertainty and tension surrounding each launch.

Want to know how the family I worked with addressed their concerns? After recognizing what they were going through as normal, together they decided their son would start college in the summer rather than fall. This got him out of the house sooner and probably avoided quite a bit of damage to their relationship – this was his idea by the way.

What Kids Need Most – Cool Parents

Be sure to check it out and if you enjoy it please share it with other via Digg, StumbleUpon or Twitter. I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

PtL has been migrated ahead of my other blog -Simple Marriage, as a test to ensure everything transfers fine. If you see any problems, please let me know via the contact form. Thanks.

Editor’s Note: Another article taken from Jim Fay, founder of Love and Logic.

Your life and that of your kids can be better if you hold your children accountable for their misdeeds. Many parents want to do this, but hold back out of fear their kids will see them as being mean. Love and Logic® offers the secret to holding kids accountable and actually leaving children liking their parents better. You can ease into this with the “E’s” of Love and Logic.

The art of becoming a Love and Logic parent is to tap into the two ways children learn best. The first is by copying and modeling after their parents. Here we see the first “E” of Love and Logic – example. Kids learn more from what they are shown than what they are told.

The next way we learn is through experience, the second “E” of Love and Logic. Our mistakes become our best teachers. Unfortunately many parents, in the heat of the moment, close their children’s minds to learning through experience by resorting to anger, threats, and lectures. This switches the child’s mind into the “fight or flight” mode of operation.

You can open your child’s mind to learning from experience by using the third “E” of Love and Logic – empathy. This is the secret to causing your youngster to like you better after you have had to discipline. A heavy dose of empathy before holding children accountable will go a long way to helping them learn from their misdeeds. And it will do wonders for your relationships with them.

Let’s say Junior wrecks the family car. When you learn about the accident, you experience a wide range of emotions: Worry for the child’s safety, anger over his irresponsibility, relief that he’s OK, and stress over the cost of repairs.

During the heat of the moment, parents traditionally respond in ways that actually encourage more irresponsible behavior. Some parents get angry, lecture, and threaten. Some parents rush to the rescue and blame others. Allowing kids to misbehave without logical consequences creates irresponsible children who make bigger and bigger mistakes as they grow older. These kids aren’t much fun to be around.

Love and Logic parents approach a situation such as the wrecked car with a belief that mistakes are great practice for the real world. In the real world of adults, no one will be around to lecture Junior about his irresponsibility. However, there will be responsibilities for the cost of repair and the inconvenience of the loss of transportation.

This is the point at which the Love and Logic parent opens their child’s mind and heart to learn from the consequences. They provide a heavy dose of empathy to match the consequence.

“Oh, son, we’re so glad you weren’t hurt. We bet you feel just awful about this. But not to worry, you’ll be driving again some day, just as soon as you get the damage paid for. Now give us a hug.”

Notice the child in this situation is going to have a difficult time seeing his parents as being mean. Junior doesn’t get a chance to be defensive. He can feel his parent’s love. The “bad guy” is his bad decision. His parents are the “good guys.” His mind is now open to learn from his mistakes.

There are many families who have at one time or another offered rewards for their child earning good grades in school. Lately, there are some school districts getting into this act as well.

What’s your reaction to this: Is it smart to pay kids for good grades?

Respond in the comments below.

This is taken from Jim Fay, founder of Love and Logic.

As a parent and an educator, there aren’t too many things more distressing than hearing a child say, “I can’t go to school. My teacher is so mean!”

We don’t want to see our children in pain, especially when it’s caused by someone we need to trust for their emotional and mental well–being on a daily basis.

So, what can you say or do when your child comes home from school and complains about his or her teacher?

The most important thing to remember is the vast majority of teachers are caring, dedicated, and well trained. Each has his or her own style, and kids need to learn how to adapt. Just as kids benefit from teachers who are very warm and patient, they also can learn from some who are more business-like and demanding. Kids can even gain valuable life lessons from a caring teacher who is a bit cranky and cantankerous.

If your child is having trouble adjusting to his or her teacher, here are some easy–to–learn Love and Logic tips to effectively deal with the situation:

Tip 1: Listen and empathize if your child complains about a teacher.

When a child says something like, “My teacher is mean. I hate her,” what he or she needs most is a loving ear, not lectures, threats, or someone to “fix” the problem. Wise parents respond by asking, “You really don’t like her? That must be tough. If any kid is smart enough to find a way to get along with her, it would be you.” Be sure to let the child know how much you love him or her, and be willing to listen to any concerns.

Tip 2: Resist the urge to talk badly about your child’s teacher or school.

Regardless of how much we might disagree with our child’s teacher or school, it is imperative to send our kids the following message: “Teachers are to be respected and listened to. You may not always agree with what they say or do, but it is NEVER acceptable for you to be disrespectful or disobedient toward them.”

Parents who make the mistake of saying negative comments about teachers in front of their children are setting their kids up for academic failure. When parents encourage children to learn how to positively deal with difficult teachers and stressful situations, their kids learn how to overcome challenges and solve their own problems. In other words, we rob our kids of an important learning opportunity if we allow them to blame teachers for their problems.

Tip 3: Help your child understand that having a tough teacher is a good thing.

Smart parents ask their kids, “Why is it good that you have a tough teacher this year?” When their children shrug their shoulders and answer, “I don’t know,” these parents respond by saying, “You’re going to have a chance to learn you can be successful with even the most difficult people. That’s one of the most useful skills in life!”

Tip 4: Remember: By teaching children to get along with a demanding teacher, we also are teaching them how to succeed with a demanding boss.

Research has shown employees get along with even the most demanding bosses when they:

• Get to work just a bit early every day
• Show up with a smile and a positive attitude
• Listen and follow directions
• Work a bit harder than expected
• Get along well with other employees and customers

Kids who learn these skills at home and at school succeed with the most difficult teachers, get better grades, and eventually rise to the top of their chosen occupation.

Tip 5: Get involved only as a last resort

Wise parents intervene on behalf of their children only when it is clear the teacher is so incompetent or negative that even the best behaved and most responsible student would find it impossible to adapt. Fortunately, these types of educators are rare.

When we follow these tips, we give our kids the gift of knowing they can succeed around all different types of people. Unfortunately, some parents steal this wonderful opportunity by trying to make sure their children’s teachers are “perfect.” Sadly, as adults, many of these children spend their lives being unhappy because other people are “mean” or “unfair.”