She’s getting low grades in math, because her teacher can’t read her handwriting. We’ve tried to explain this, and her teacher has explained it, but as far as Veronica is concerned it’s all the fault of her teacher, and her handwriting is perfectly clear. There’s nothing that she needs to do to change … it’s all down to the teacher.

The other recent issue revolves around her eyesight. A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with a rather odd eye problem, which is largely under control now. It had the potential to be a symptom of a very big problem, possibly even life-threatening; or alternatively, it might be nothing at all, simply an anomaly of the way her eyes work. As you can imagine, it was all very traumatic while she underwent a series of tests, many of which were uncomfortable and intrusive. But the final diagnosis was pretty mild, and the problem is easily treated.

But to monitor the gradual improvement in her condition, she has to have a quarterly eye exam, something called a visual-field test. It’s not particularly intrusive, but it takes quite a long time and it’s a bit uncomfortable because you have to keep your head still. Well, yesterday she went for the test, which seemed to take even longer than usual and when she came out she was in a foul mood. As the technician explained to us later, he’s concerned that he may not have got an accurate reading, since she kept fidgeting and moving her head. As a result, she may need to have the test done again next week.

Of course, Veronica insists that the problems in the test are all due to the technician’s incompetence, and that she behaved fine throughout the whole thing. Since we’re used to this now, and recognize the pattern … and since we had this test done at a top hospital, with a worldwide reputation, we naturally enough agreed with the technician who, after all, does these tests all the time. That did not go down well with Veronica.

So, I’m asking my readers here; how do you teach responsibility to a child, beyond them suffering the consequences of their actions? The easy answer is that you model the behavior you want to encourage, but we do that and it doesn’t seem to be working. Both of us are pretty willing to take responsibility for our actions, we don’t hide our mistakes or blame them on each other, and our kids see us interacting in a way that reflects that.

A short side note to illustrate; last week we spent a weekend staying with friends out of town. When we dressed to go to a fancy dinner the first evening, I realized that with my customary brilliance I’d forgotten to bring any pants with me. I ahd driven to our friend’s home wearing shorts, so I was left without anything suitable to wear. I ended up wearing the big baggy hippy-style pants that our teenage son Archie has taken to wearing recently … they may look cool on a teenager, paired with a tie-die t-shirt, but they look dang silly on an overweight middle-aged guy at a dinner party. Trust me.

Now, when this happened, I could have tried to blame my wife for not packing my pants, or at least for not reminding me to pack them. I wouldn’t have got far with that, but I could have tried, right? But I didn’t … it was my mistake: I kicked myself, slapped my hand against my forehead in dismay, and then started laughing about it. All in front of the kids, who of course found it even funnier than I did. (Not as funny as my wife found it, however … she was convulsed on the floor laughing, so not much sympathy there!)

So, once again … any ideas for teaching, rather than just modeling, responsibility for one’s actions?

So, a quick run down of the family. Our oldest is Archie, who is a tenth grader; his sister Veronica is in ninth grade; Jughead is in fifth grade; and Betty, our youngest is in third grade. They’re all big readers, like to watch movies and use the Internet (Jughead particularly) and are very involved in local youth groups.

All of them are good students and get on well with the kids in their various classes, although they have different personalities. Archie is very social, likes to hang out with people, play touch football, and has a big circle of friends. Veronica is quieter, and doesn’t make friends so easily, but is close to girls in her youth group. She likes to cook, particularly baking, and has recently been teaching herself to crochet. She tends to see things as very black and white … there’s not much gray in her opinions.

Jughead is thoughtful, and tends to mull things over in his head. He reads the newspaper each morning and likes to talk about what’s going on in the world. He’ll often explain a story to us, which seems to be his way of confirming for himself what he just read. We’ll ask questions, or fill in information that may not have been in the article, or explain that we hold another opinion on a particular subject. Then that all goes into the blender in his brain, gets churned around for a while, and he’ll explain it to us again with this new information integrated into the narrative.

Betty is much more “girly” than her older sister Veronica. She’s in no way obnoxious about it or self-absorbed, but she is very conscious of what she wears, of how her hair is fixed, of whether her shoes match her clothes. We have no idea where she got this from, since neither my wife nor I have a fashion conscious bone in our bodies! Betty loves to read, and spends hours with her best friend, a girl a couple of years older than her, who lives next door to us. They play incredibly complex games involving both dolls and Playmobil characters with very complex family arrangements, relationships, locations and so on. It’s remarkably creative and imaginative, but the scenarios they create do make it difficult to walk across our basement sometimes!

Now that I’ve introduced everyone, I think it will be easier to keep track of who’s who in the Tackitt family. Have a great day!

For instance, our son goes to a school that is pretty rigorous. He has a long school day, and then there’s homework to do in the evening too. He’s a pretty good student … not heading for a Nobel prize, at least not yet, but his grades are good and by & large he enjoys school.

In a couple of weeks he’s about to become a group leader in a local youth group. He’s been involved in this organization for a couple of years, and will now be stepping into a leadership role, responsible for a group of eighth graders. He’s excited to take on this challenge, and since we’re familiar with the organization and are always impressed with the young men & women who take part in it, we’re very supportive.

But it’ll take a lot of time out of his schedule. He’ll have meetings at least two evenings a week, plus a group activity on Saturday afternoon … and during the busiest times of the year, it can be a much bigger commitment than that.

We’ve discussed the potential problems with him, and trust that he can manage the challenge … but we’ve also made it clear that his schoolwork has to remain his main priority, and that we plan to keep an eye on his schedule and make sure that he’s not overwhelmed.

Kids with time on their hands are often the ones who manage to get into trouble, so we’re pleased that he wants to do this, and we’re proud that he wants to take on the responsibility. But it’s also important that he not drive himself crazy by making his schedule unmanageable.

How have you handled this question with your children? I’d be curious to hear your comments.

There is a middle ground, and it can be best found by paying careful attention to what question is being asked, and to which child is asking it. There’s a well-known joke about this:

One day our little nephew Sam went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?”

My brother stammered a bit, but finally got his composure. He thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, he told Sam how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my brother gave the whole story, Sam’s eyes got wider and wider.

When he was finished, Sam said “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Auntie Cathy told me. She said that she came from Cleveland.”

Funny, but it’s a scene that is repeated with variations in every family. One of our children has precisely zero interest in shades of grey; for her, every issue is black and white and every question has an answer that is right or wrong. It’s both a function of her personality, and of her age … she’s a teenager, that time in life when children are trying out different identities as they discover who they really are.

Her younger brother is very different. He’s a precocious reader, and looks through the newspaper each morning while he eats breakfast. Obviously he comes across stories that are unfamiliar to him, articles about issues on which he hasn’t gopt an opinion. He examines every aspect of a question, and runs through scenarios in his head. Once he feels that he has a take on a particular issue, he’ll suddenly start talking, giving us the answer to a question that he hasn’t even asked us yet. That’s our cue to give him our thoughts on the subject, to explain some background information that might be new to him, and to ask questions about what he thinks.

Unlike his sister, he wants to hear the whole story and then come to a conclusion. And that can be a challenge for us, because I think there’s a limit to what an eleven year old should know about the more disturbing aspects of life. I know that many American families were faced with this question in 2001, after the terrorist attacks of September 11. Children had questions about what had happened, why it had happened and, most importantly in their minds, would it happen to them?

My kids were younger then, so I wasn’t faced with that specific question, but I suspect my approach would have been the same as it is now. I try to answer my children’s questions simply, openly and accurately, and then to leave space for more questions. If I let them set the pace of the conversation it’s easier to gauge how much they want to know and what lies behind the question. Is this something they’ve been worrying about for days, or just a mild curiosity prompted by something on TV?

By giving open-ended answers, and by asking questions myself, it’s likely I’ll discover what exactly they’re asking. After all, the answer to their question just might be “Cleveland”!

We’re very fortunate that our children are, for the most part, easy to feed. None of them have turned out to be particularly picky eaters, although like all children they have gone through stages of being more or less particular about certain foods. And of course, they have foods they like and dislike just as we do.

But from speaking with friends, and from a couple of particularly horrible experiences with family visits, we’re very aware that not everyone shares our good fortune. So, if you’re faced with a picky eater, what are your options? Rather than suggest specific foods that you might use to tempt your picky eater, I’m instead going to set out some basic guidelines for handling the issue.

First, relax

It’s unlikely that your child will be able to inflict any real and lasting damage on their health by fussy eating habits. They may be able to wreak havoc on your mental health, but that will have to wait for another article! Cases of young children starving themselves to death in Western society are pretty rare, and your preschooler’s unwillingness to eat anything green won’t lead to scurvy. (*Please see the note at the end of this article for an important disclaimer.)

Week by week

You’ll drive yourself nuts if you look at your child’s eating habits meal-by-meal … the chances of them eating a nutritious, balanced, satisfying meal at any given moment are not so high, especially if they’ve decided that today’s the day they only want to eat noodles with ketchup. Much better to look at how they’ve been eating over a day, or even better, over a week. So long as the week holds a reasonable balance of fruits and vegetables; proteins, carbs, & healthy fats; dairy products; and treats, they’ll be fine.

Be flexible, but not a pushover

It’s important to remember that you’re the parent here, and it’s OK for you to decide what the family’s eating tonight. There’s no need for you to become a short order cook, making chicken nuggets for one person, spaghetti for another, sauce with garlic for a third, sauce without mushrooms for a fourth … etc. Choose what you’re making for dinner, and if someone doesn’t want to eat it, that’s their choice. If they’re ravenous they’ll probably give it a try, and if not, there’ll be more for everyone else. One night feeling a little hungry isn’t a tragedy.

At the same time, it doesn’t hurt to adjust recipes slightly to allow kids some choices. If you’re making fettuccine, serve the vegetables (onions, mushrooms, or whatever else) on the side and those who want them can add them. If a recipe calls for curry spices or chili, keep their use to a minimum and serve the kids first. You can then add a little more spice for the adults who prefer their food less bland. A plate of cut vegetables and some salad greens lets everyone at the table make their own salad, rather than watching your four year old pick out the scallions one by one.

Master of Disguise

A couple of my friends have kids who simply weren’t gaining weight in proportion to their age. For older kids this can be a real challenge, and my advice was to start disguising what they were serving. Muffins with carrot or zucchini can help with vegetable intake, but the best disguise of all is to make fruit smoothies.

For kids who turn up their noses at fruit it’s an excellent way to have them eat fruit, and smoothies are much healthier than plain juice because they include the fiber. In the case of my friend’s kid they added full-fat yogurt, or even ice cream, to the smoothies to make them more calorie dense.

The trick to smoothies is to use a variety of frozen fruits, and to always include frozen bananas. They add a delicious creaminess to the drink, almost like using ice cream. Fill the blender about half-way full with frozen fruit, add some plain or vanilla yogurt, and top up with orange juice till the blender’s around three-quarters full. You may need to pulse the blender a little  to make sure everything’s mixed in, and it will probably take longer than you think to finish blending. Leftover smoothies make great ice pops; use some of the plastic molds available an you’ll always have healthy snacks on hand.

Picky eaters can be a challenge, but it’s one that can be overcome. Bon appetit!

Disclaimer: I do want to be clear about one thing. In this article I’m referring to young children who are fussy eaters, NOT to older children who may be suffering from eating disorders like bulimia or anorexia. The causes and effects of such disorders are far beyond the scope of my knowledge, and the dangers they can create need professional medical attention.

So, bold as brass, he comes up and says “Hey, thanks for the money!” I was just about to respond politely “You’re Welcome” when I caught myself and said “What money? I haven’t got any money … I’m broke!”

There was a pause, and then he explained to me about the money, and said his tooth was feeling better now after bleeding a little last night. A couple of minutes later his younger sister wandered in and asked how much he got from the tooth fairy so he repeated the story, now quite comfortable with playing along with her belief in the tooth fairy.

So this morning I’ve been thinking about holding onto beliefs, and letting go of them. I don’t like the idea that children should be disabused of their beliefs as soon as possible, whether from a wish to “toughen them up” or from a misguided sense of wanting to tell them the truth.

We all need to hold onto ideals, beliefs, dreams, and even fantasies. Of course, at some point in our lives we need to move on from thoughts of what might have been; a college romance, a job that didn’t pan out well, or a dream of playing in the Super Bowl. If those dreams prevent us from living in the moment, prevent us from building a life with the materials in front of us, then they’re unhealthy.

But a belief in the world as a better place … a place where we’re safe from harm, where we can grow and flourish at our own pace, and where the tooth fairy leaves a gift under our pillow … is a belief that’s worth holding onto.

It’s been quite a long day, so I decided to relax by browsing on YouTube … and it only took a few minutes before I was in a great mood.

Why? I’ll tell you … because I just discovered the funniest babies on YouTube! First up we have Ethan, who keeps falling over because he’s laughing so hard.

Next we have a young man who thinks his Dad is the funniest guy in the world.

And finally Theo, who thinks that playing golf on the Wii is the funniest thing he’s ever seen!

I haven’t stopped laughing for the last fifteen minutes, and I hope you enjoy these clips as much as I did!

Instead, an elaborate dance ensues during which it’s the job of parents to lead their teen to a point where they actually want to do something that you want them to do. In an ideal situation it’s even better if they walk away from this discussion with the feeling that not only did they come up with this idea themselves, but that they did it despite your objections. It’s only fair to warn you, however, that this type of advanced mental jujitsu is mastered only after years of training, and is not recommended for beginners!

In our home, one of the current topics of discussion is the question of curfews. We have a couple of teenagers in high school, and their schedules are amazingly hectic. After long days at school their evenings are then packed with activities; youth groups, band practise, part-time jobs, homework, hanging with friends … the list is simply endless. In almost every case they are involved in things that we approve of and support, so we’re quite comfortable with them being so busy.

But we genuinely are concerned that they just aren’t getting enough sleep. They leave for school before 7:00 am and some of these activities keep them out until very late at night, and so we are trying to have them at least get an early night on the evenings that they are actually home. But of course, if you’re used to coming home late sometimes it’s hard to accept an earlier curfew another time.

For now, since they’re fairly sensible kids who we trust, we’re being pretty liberal; so long as we know where they are, who they’re with, and when they’ll be home, they simply need to get home before midnight. We’re trusting that their bodies will tell them to get sleep eventually and that they’ll learn for themselves that they need to pace themselves.

I’m curious if anyone else has ideas they can share? Please, do comment below if you have advice for those of us with teenagers.

We are luckier than most families, since I work at home and therefore don’t need to take sick days from work. The flip side of this, of course, is that I’m always the one to stay home with the kids and as a result my work takes a hit. It’s at times like this that all of the good parenting manuals are thrown right out of the window. Of course, if one of the kids feels terribly ill then they need to be in bed, and we have to go through the usual routine of cleaning up after them, helping them feel better if they’ve been throwing up, and all of the other glamorous and exciting tasks that nobody ever mentions before you become a parent!

But as often as not young kids get mild illnesses that simply leave them feeling under the weather. Nothing awful, nothing scary, just not quite 100%. And for us work-at-home parents, the answer to that dilemma is the television. When my kids are home sick they get drugged into a TV-induced coma if that’s what it takes for them to feel happy, and for me to be able to get a little work done.

Now, when possible, I do try and avoid just subjecting them to the endless parade of drivel on cable TV. We have a pretty good library of DVDs, and so we’re likely to put in a classic musical or a comedy and let them catch up on some of the great movies they’ve never seen. For instance, as I write this blog post my younger child is sleepily watching Singing in the Rain, one of the great classics of 20th-century cinema. As for me, I’m sitting next to him on the couch, typing away at my laptop so that I can least pretend that I’m getting some work done.

This is the second day he’s been home sick and, quite honestly, if it was a normal day at school I probably would have sent him. But today his class has a field trip to a local archaeological site; they have quite a long hike and are then going to be walking through an underground tunnel that used to carry water to a nearby town. Great fun, obviously, and it’s a shame he has to miss it. But he called home from school yesterday with a bad stomach-ache and fever, and within five minutes of getting home he was throwing up. He feels better now, but assuming he’s still on the mend it really is a foolish idea to send him off on a hike where he will get tired, cold and wet,

So, instead of walking in the water he’s Singing in the Rain!

So, do I give my kids an incentive to behave well? Sure I do; like everyone else, I’ll offer a special treat in return for acting properly at the grocery store, or the chance to stay up late and watch a movie in return for getting the birthday thank you notes written before next year’s birthday.

But that’s really not what we’re talking about, is it? We’re talking about cash money in your hand — greenbacks, dough, bread, bucks — a bribe incentive for not making Dad’s day any more insane than it has to be. And that makes me feel a little uneasy, although the picture Amy O. paints of her solution is very alluring:

“What followed was the most peaceful day I can remember in a long time! There was zero bickering, none! They each got their dollar and I told them the same deal would be on for the next day. And the next. And the next. Principles, schminciples. $14 a week is a cheap price to pay for peace and quiet.”

It’s hard to argue with that, but I’m still uncomfortable with the idea of paying my children for the kind of behavior I would expect them to show anyway. Perhaps if this was an interim solution, a way to establish a pattern that could then continue without payment, it would be worth a try.

Any thoughts from you readers?