Parenting Boys... Raising Men

10 Characteristics of The Servant Parent

2016-11-24T15:47:00.000-06:00

As part of my current doctoral studies I have been reading a lot about leadership. There are a multitude of approaches and theories about leadership. Some say that leaders are born that way with special traits that make them “great men”. Others say that it is possible to learn to be a leader as long as you learn the correct skills and behaviors. Some have decried the myth of the charismatic leader saying that you do not have to be inspiring, exciting and passionate only consistent.

In my reading I have been drawn to an old essay that was written way back in the 1970’s by a guy named Robert Greenleaf. He proposes that to be a leader one must first and foremost be a servant. He uses something he calls the best test to determine if one is an effective leader it goes like this,

“Do those served grow as persons; do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants?”

I think this is a great way to view leadership, but what if we applied these concepts to parenting? What if we decided that the best way to raise our boys was to become a Servant Parent? But wait! Some might say, “parents are supposed to be in charge!”, “kids need to follow the rules or they will never learn how!”, “if parents act like servants kids will never learn responsibility!” Well, I think they are wrong. I think it is crucial for parents to first be servants. So, based on an article by Larry Spearstitled "Practicing Servant-Leadership" I will be making my case for the 10 characteristics of the Parent as Servant

1. Listening

2. Empathy

3. Healing

4. Awareness

5. Persuasion

6. Conceptualization

7. Foresight

8. Stewardship

9. Commitment to the growth of people

10. Building community

Over the next several weeks I will be expounding on each of these characteristics and why being a Servant Parent is a great way to parent boys into men.

Do you think we should be servants first, parents second?

My Life as an Extrovert Nearly Killed Me

2014-01-05T20:39:00.000-06:00

I used to think that success required an extroverted personality. Over the years this belief has nearly killed me with heartache, depression, feelings of failure and worthlessness.

If you asked people who knew me in high school they would probably say I was an extrovert. I was involved in everything: sports, music, plays, student leadership, and all sorts of social activities. If you asked people about my freshman year of college they would say, “who?” That’s right, they probably wouldn’t have known me. I was usually hiding in my room listening to music or hanging out with a small group of friends with whom I felt very comfortable. At the time I wouldn’t have admitted that I was an introvert (this would have meant admitting weakness), but I think things would have been a lot easier if I had been able to accept my introversion at a much earlier age.

Following college I was pulled towards people ministry. Work felt good when it involved serving others, being creative, or impacting another’s life. My first attempt in this arena involved working as a camp counselor for the entire summer following my senior year of college. I am not sure if you have ever met a camp counselor, but they tend to be an extroverted lot of people. They are full of energy, excited about everything, and endlessly positive. I gave a pretty good go of it for a while; I lead worship, sang silly songs, and built relationships with as many campers as possible. I poured out all the energy that I had. By the middle of the summer I was spent. I had nothing left and I had no idea where to go to get more of whatever it was that I was giving. The other counselors seemed OK; they weren’t as tired as I was, what was wrong with me?

Looking back on this summer, I realize that I was trying to be someone that I was not. Actually, looking back on much of my adult life I realize that I have many times pushed myself to act like an extrovert when deep down I am an introvert. I felt guilty when I wanted to spend time alone. I thought I was being selfish when I gravitated to individual conversations rather than groups. I forced myself to speak up in classes when all I wanted to do was observe from the back. I developed a love for reading, but felt guilty about reading too much and not spending enough time “ministering” to people. In short I could not accept who God had made me to be because I thought to truly serve him I had to be someone different.

In recent years and even months I have grown to accept my introversion. I am learning to view the time I spend quietly reflecting, my sensitivity, and the way I organize my thoughts before speaking as strengths rather than weaknesses. Working as a therapist has been a very good fit for my introverted personality. I have the opportunity to connect deeply with the people I counsel. We talk about deep, thought provoking subjects with ultimate meaning.

One thing I have been reflecting on recently is how an introverted person like myself can successfully parent 3 seemingly extroverted children. Like many other areas of my life, I have tried to fake it as a parent, over the years. I have pushed myself to interact more and more and more while on the inside desiring time to slow down, reflect and think. I wonder how much they have missed by my ignoring my inner self. Could they too be introverts that have been pushed to act like extroverts in order to survive? If I had viewed introversion as a strength would they have greater ability to accept themselves for who they are? My introversion added into the mix could actually have been a good thing giving to them an experience of rest, and reflection in a culture that is hurried and over-stimulating.

I am hoping to continue to grow in this area both at work and home. I desire to parent more like “me” I desire to work more like “me”. The more I accept my introversion as a strength rather than a weakness the more my personal leadership and parenting style will come out. I think I will find that I will have more energy to give, because less of it will be wasted pretending to be something that I am not.

What do you think? How has your Personality impacted your Parenting Style?

Stuff Dads Say Video Post

2013-11-30T14:13:00.000-06:00

Faith Takes Practices to Develop

2013-11-09T21:40:00.001-06:00

I have fond memories of praying, “now I lay me down to sleep” each night before going to bed. I can still see the colorful children’s bible stories my family would read at the dinner table each night. I recall the rhythm and tone of Sunday worship services; standing to read scripture, reciting the Apostles Creed, sitting for the “long prayer” and knowing the end was near when the pastor raised his arms and pronounced the Aaronic blessing “The Lord bless you and keep you;the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace” Numbers 6:22-27.

In the fourth grade my teacher challenged her class to read the bible every night in order to win a prize. My sweet tooth was as strong as ever and I conquered that challenge easily. In sixth grade I went with my youth group to provide meals for homeless children in downtown LA. In eighth grade, while at a youth group retreat, I put my faith in Jesus for the first time. Through out high school I played the drums for my church worship team and was actively involved in youth leadership. But, It was not until my senior year of college, eight years later, that this faith that had been planted in my soul as a child, had taken root as a teen, and was watered with the prayers of my parents began to grow.

Those eight years of high school and college were long, slow, and sometimes frustrating years. I longed for a connection to Jesus that did not materialize. I struggled with guilt, doubt, pride, anger, and depression. I attempted and failed to continue the practices of prayer, bible reading, worship, and service that had begun in my youth. I hoped they would establish the connection I believed was missing.

Faith sprouted on a mission trip to Nicaragua, on which I came to the end of myself and discovered that it was my striving and self-reliance that stood in the way of honest connection with Jesus. On returning to school I found for the first time that I could read scripture and actually understand the WORD. The end of my college experience was the beginning of a faith journey that has progressed through starts and stops over the course of my adult life.

Over the last several years I have been convicted of my responsibility to pass this faith on to my children. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the task. How can I, a father that is passionate but struggling pass on something that is so fragile and broken? At times I want to throw in the towel and succumb to the pressures of money, time, apathy, and culture.

I was reminded today of the role I play in my children’s faith development. I am called to plant seeds that the Holy Spirit cultivates into faith. I am reading, Shaped By God: Twelve Essentials for Nurturing Faith in Children, Youth, and Adults" Edited by Robert J. Keeley. Don C. Richter writes “Faith begins in practice, in words and songs and gestures and things we do with and for our bodies, with and for one another. We learn to pray by praying. We learn to serve by serving. We learn to care by concrete acts of caring.” (Keely,pg 24) I was brought back to my childhood prayers and bible stories. I was reminded of the practices that have shaped my faith over the years. In the beginning they were clumsy, with out heart, and in the case of the bible reading contest motivated by greed. These practices however having been awakened by the Spirit my senior year of college have been the soil in which my faith has grown. They have become the “means of grace to nourish and sustain the life of faith” in me. (Keely, pg 30)

I cannot awaken my children in faith, that is the Holy Spirits role but I can provide for them the raw materials of faith. I can provide experiences of prayer, worship, bible reading, and service. My hope is that these experiences will shape and inform their understanding of Jesus. I trust that they will come to know him as provider, savior, master, and king the one in whom true connection can be found.

WHAT PRACTICES HAVE SHAPED YOUR FAITH OVER THE YEARS?

HOW ARE YOU PASSING YOUR FAITH TO YOUR CHILDREN?

The Two Great Objects

2013-11-02T14:47:00.000-05:00

image by: Richardstep.com

A few days ago I read this postentitled “6 lessons of an influence seeker. It was written mostly to people that write, speak, or teach. The idea is that if you truly want to influence people you need to do the 6 things described. The post really has nothing to do with parenting or raising a family but the more I think about it the more I hope to apply its first concept in my life.

Lesson one is “know your two great objects” the author sights a journal entry from British politician William Wilberforce that states, “God Almighty has set before me two great objects, the suppression of the slave trade and the reformation of manners [moral values]." These two objects were the driving force behind Wilberforce’s life work. Everything he did followed from these two passions.

The moment I read this quote I asked myself the question, “What are my two great objects?” A number of things came to mind right away; family, faith, and work were at the top. I tried to get more specific, what are my two great objects at work, for my family, and in my community? As I began to think more deeply I discovered that I had no clue what my two great objects were. There were lots of things that I thought were important. But I was finding it difficult to narrow down the two things that really set me ablaze, got me excited, and drove my passions. I found that so many things were important that nothing was really important.

So, I have set out to more clearly define the two great objects in these areas of my life.

Family

Work

Faith

Community

I am hopeful that clarifying these objects and more intentionally focusing my energy in these areas will increase my sense of purpose and improve my ability to positively influence those around me.

Will you join me in this endeavor? Leave a comment and share your two great objects!

THE BULLY FREE ZONE

2013-10-16T14:19:00.000-05:00

Creative Commons Eddie~S

Sometimes I mentally rehearse how I would respond if my family were in danger. If an intruder broke into my home what would I do? If we were attacked on the street would I be courageous enough to protect them? I am not sure what gets me thinking about these things, and many times I try to put them out of my mind. Today however, I watched the documentary Bullydirected by Lee Hirsch, this film has got me stirred up again, but this time it is more disturbing.

In my fantasies of family danger I am powerful, swift to action, and able to put myself in the place of my children when they are in danger. Bullying is a much different beast. Those who bully tend to be more covert, they have practiced and honed their skills, and many times they are bullied themselves. The problem with bullying is how powerless adults seem to be in protecting those who are bullied.

Bullying usually does not occur when adults are around, adults cannot sweep in and meet might with might. In many cases, as depicted in the film all adults can do is talk with the one who is bullying. They sit in an office and rationalize about kindness, respect, friendship, and permanent school behavioral records. It all just seems very weak and vividly demonstrates a universal principle that adults hate to admit.

“ADULTS CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF CHILDREN”

I think we hate to admit it because of how scary it is. Aside from physical coercion we have absolutely no control over the behavior of children. I cannot make my son clean his room, do his homework, be kind to the neighbor, or apologize to his brother. Children tend to behave based on what they perceive will get them the thing that they want. Many times we adults do not understand the pay off for a child’s behavior and therefore fail to find a way to change it.

I think one solution to this problem is to stop trying to control something that we cannot. We cannot control a child’s behavior so let’s give it a rest. Let’s be real and honest with our kids. Let’s end the charade we have been perpetrating all these years and tell them the truth.

“SON, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS”

I believe that when we let go of attempting to control our children they will become better citizens. Please do not misunderstand me I do not think children should be allowed to do whatever they want, have no rules, and no responsibility. I believe that adults should set the structure and expectations for behavior so that WHEN the child crosses the line appropriate and logical consequences follow. Adults have fallen into the trap (myself included) of wanting to control a child’s behavior in order to get a certain outcome. This outcome based parenting sends the message that adults control the child’s behavior; I want to send the message that kids are in charge of their behavior. They are able to choose their actions and the consequences that follow are part of their choosing. When adults control behavior, children can blame the adults for the following consequences both good and bad. When children control behavior the consequences are theirs, they own them. These owned consequences are the powerful payoff that reinforces or discourages certain behavior. This is how children learn that they can make life what they want it to be. In the long run children that know they are in control of themselves are children that step up to stop bullying. These type of children will "Be More Than Bystanders" by engaging in the following activities

1. Be Their Friend

2. Tell a Trusted Adult

3. Help Them Get Away

4. Don’t Give Bullying an Audience

5. Set a Good Example

Bullying is a very difficult problem. Solutions must be long term rather than short term. All adults must play a role in protecting and empowering children at school and in neighborhoods. A first line defense is to remember that children are in charge of their own behavior. We want them to be in charge of their actions because when they are in charge they are actively choosing what they want life to be.

For Further reading on how to empower children to stop bullying visit stopbullying.gov

Have you or your kids ever been bullied, how did you respond?

Halloween Happy, Have A

2013-10-13T20:42:00.000-05:00

My son bought this Yoda pumpkin decorating set today. I think I am having the most fun.

CHOOSE ADVENTURE

2013-09-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

LIFE IS FULL OF EXCITEMENT NO MATTER THE SPEED!!

Doll Play VS. Gun Play and A Parents Worst Fears

2013-07-15T22:12:00.003-05:00

Photo By mjtmail

Play is the language of a child, it is the expression of inner most thoughts, feelings, and desires. Or is it?

I was playing dolls with my daughter the other day and found myself reflecting on the meaning of her play. We were alone in the playroom and she brought me her doll over and over again asking (without words) that I swaddle it in the small blanket like I had swaddled her when she was an infant. She would pick it up and nearly fall over from the weight and size of her child. She mimicked the back and forth rocking of “rock a by baby” and eventually rocked so hard that the doll fell to the ground while rolling out of the blanket. She gathered the doll into her arms and slammed it into the tiny wooden crib, making a loud smacking sound as the head knocked against the side rail.

I found myself analyzing her play. Does she completely lack empathy? Is this play a sign that she will grow up to be a bad mother? What if she has no ability to care for others? My thoughts began to race, and the “parents worst fear” meter was redlining. As I continued to watch and observe I stopped analyzing her play and began analyzing the meaning I ascribed to her play.

I found that I was thinking like an adult. I was observing her play and assumed that she was doing what she was doing for the same reasons an adult would be doing it. An adult that drops a baby or slams it into a crib does so because of a lack of empathy, inability to care, and probably anger. So, of course that must be why she was doing.

OR PROBABLY NOT!!

I began to think more about the meaning that adults ascribe to a child’s play. Is the meaning that I interpret the same as what the child hold in their mind? I remembered back to several articlesI had read about children being suspended from school because of play deemed inappropriate by school administrators. Both instances involved young children and make shift guns. One involved pointing a pencil at another student like a gun and the other involved chewing a pop tart into the shape of a gun.

I tend to get pretty frustrated with these situations in which play is criminalized. It seems to me that children are being punished based on the projected fears of adults. Do we really believe that a pencil is dangerous for other children? I wonder if these decisions come from fears of what our children might become. At some point we just have to laugh at these ridiculous stories but I wonder when we adults will realize that children do not think like us? I wonder how the world would be different if adults could play like a child? What if adults were less fearful and more adventurous like children? Oh what fun we might have!

Can Tolerance Cause More Bullying?

2013-07-11T20:44:00.000-05:00

Photo by Cassandra Jowett

I took my son to the public pool last week. We had a wonderful time and learned a lesson to last a lifetime. He was standing in line at the diving board as I was watching from a few feet away. I noticed that he was talking with a slightly older boy and it appeared the conversation was becoming quite animated. I resisted my desire to intervene and waited to see what would happen. After a few more moments my son turned to me and said, “dad he says that I cannot wear a swim shirt on the diving board.” In uncharacteristic fashion I quickly shot back my response, “it doesn’t matter what he says, it matters what the lifeguard says!” Just at that moment a lifeguard walked by and I boldly asked, “Is it ok if he wears a swim shirt on the diving board?” The lifeguard said, “yes!” and walked on without giving it a second thought. The boys accepted the lifeguard’s answer and continued practicing their cannon balls.

As I reflected on this very brief interaction I began to wonder what it was about this lifeguard (a teenager) that caused the boys to move on so quickly from their disagreement. Was it his confidence or age? Maybe it was his gender or personality? I don’t think so! I think they accepted his answer because he was viewed as an expert on this topic. He knows this pool, he is there everyday, he is in charge of safety, and it is his responsibility to enforce the posted rules.

The boys knew that this person’s opinion was important. It did not matter what anyone else had to say on the subject. This guy in the red swim trunks and way too dark tan was the final authority.

I am afraid that the art of discerning whose opinion matters has been stripped away from our school age children. I wonder if in our rush to teach tolerance and acceptance we have inadvertently made our children targets for loud-mouthed bullies?

The Cambridge online dictionary defines tolerance as “willingness to accept behavior and beliefs that are different from your own, even if you disagree with or disapprove of them.” It also lists acceptance as a synonym for tolerance.

Please do not get me wrong, I strongly believe in the inherent value of all people. Each person is wonderfully valuable and deserves to be treated with the utmost respect. I do suggest however that not all opinions or beliefs are of equal value. The opinion of the young boy trying to tell my son what he could and could not wear was of very little value. He was wrong, misguided, and unreliable. This is not to say that the boy himself was of little value just his opinion.

What does this have to do with bullying? Well in my experience as a school counselor and therapist I find that those children that are most susceptible to verbal and emotional bullying are those who accept all opinions equally. Somehow they have learned to accept all opinions and beliefs as truth no matter the source. Unfortunately, many times this includes all opinions and beliefs that others have about them. So, It appears that they accept the opinion of the kid who calls them stupid, weak, or ugly as equally valid to the adult who refers to them as kind, intelligent, or strong. This in my opinion is a horrible mistake and we as parents make an even bigger mistake when we teach our kids that all opinions and beliefs are to be equally accepted.

Simply, it is not true. My opinion regarding politics for instance is of significantly less value than that of the President of the United States. It does not mean that I cannot express my opinion loudly and vehemently, but loud and passionate does not make true and accurate. In the same way a fellow classmates opinion about my child’s level of strength, intelligence, or athletic ability is of much less value than my child’s opinions about himself.

I am regularly asked to referee disagreements about the value of playground opinions. I have come up with a standard response that I find pretty effective. When Jimmy runs up to me and says, “Mr. Vander Ley Billy called me a douche bag!” (or some other derogatory name) Jimmy expects that I will get upset with Billy. He anticipates consequences and passionate pleas for Billy to be kind and friendly. I take Jimmy off guard however, when I ask a simple and pointed question. “Are you a douche bag Jimmy?” “Uh, no” Is the usual response. “Good, I didn’t think you were, it doesn’t matter what Billy says.” Off they run to complete their game of girls chase boys (if it hasn’t been banned at their school)

Rather than teaching our children to value all opinions and beliefs equally let’s teach them to discern opinions and beliefs based on sources. Who are the experts in the field? Who has put in the time to know this topic? Who is safe and who is reliable? If we teach our children to be discerning about truth I think they will come to realize that they are the experts in the field of me. Their parents and trusted teachers hold reliable information about who they are and what they are good at. The verbally aggressive playground bully does not know them and is not a trusted source of information. More importantly this playground bully’s opinion does not create truth regarding their person. The truth about a child is based in their inherent personal value. They can sense this value from loving adults who are passionately engaged in the wonder of becoming an expert in the field of them. Go now you passionate parents and uncover the infinite mystery that is your child!

Daddy Will You Hold Me: Containing Feelings

Holding: The Day My Son Thought He Had Died

Daddy Will You Hold Me: Containing Feelings

2013-06-24T18:11:00.000-05:00

One of the most important aspects of holdinga child involves emotions. A child will feel held when their parent is able to contain the powerful emotions of the moment. A child will feel dropped when the parent is either overwhelmed by or unresponsive to the child’s emotions.

I readily admit that I tend to drop my children when they are feeling powerful emotions. At times I feel too busy, too tired, or just plain sick of dealing with the chaos. The truth is unfortunately that in these moments I am more concerned about my own feelings than I am about my child’s. I have become overwhelmed with what is going on in me, and do not have the capacity to deal with what is happening in my child.

I just read a nice article titled Attunement Parenting The New Attachment Parenting and was reminded that my ability to contain my child’s emotions is directly correlated to how well I am taking care of myself. In other words my ability to handle my son’s anger is impacted by my ability to handle my own anger. Arriving home from work frustrated from the day significantly impacts my interactions with my children. I must do a good job of taking care of my self in order to take care of my children.

I struggle with this, I tend to give, give give, and then give out. I wear myself to the bone, attempting to be the best parent I can be, constantly striving to meet everyone of my child’s needs, never allowing my self to be distracted from the task of engaging in their lives. THIS IS EXHAUSTING!! It is not possible to be the perfect parent, it is not possible to meet every need, and it is not possible to engage at every moment.

I have learned that I need time to refuel. I am a very reflective person, and when I have neglected the time I need to slow down, and think I become short tempered, impatient, and depressed. I am thankful for the reminder that it is OK to do something that I enjoy. I am allowed to put the headphones on and listen to my favorite album. But where does one draw the line? How much parenting is enough? And is it possible to measure up?

How do you RE-FUEL as a parent? Where do you draw the Line?

HOLDING: The Day My Son Thought He Had Died

2013-06-09T21:44:00.000-05:00

Psalm 18:16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.

I have recently begun to view HOLDINGmy children as so much more than just physically carrying them. Holding has become something that is physical, emotional, and psychological.

Two summers ago for about 2 hours my son thought that he was dead! It was a beautiful day. My wife and I took our family to a community swimming area, we were able to relax and watch our kids swim with their older cousins. Near the end of our time at the lake two of our sons approached us in the water. The older one appeared completely calm and said, “Dad I was freaking out!” The other was literally freaking out; he was yelling, screaming, and crying. Apparently one of his siblings had taken a water toy from him and he was very upset. My wife and I both gravitated to the screaming child. We acknowledged the older one but picked up, consoled, and helped to manage the screaming one. Both children moved on and we left the lake a short time later. As we arrived home my wife and I remarked to each other how enjoyable the day had been and what a fun time we had had.

The older cousins joined us at our house and we settled the children downstairs to watch a movie. As my wife and I discussed the enjoyable afternoon, our older son came upstairs noticeably upset. He was in tears and could hardly speak through his emotions. He climbed into my lap and I attempted to understand what was going on. He explained in short tearful phrases that he was afraid he had died. Slowly the story of his “freaking out” emerged. He explained that he was playing on the floatilla of fun in the deep end of the lake. He saw an older kid with no life-jacket on swim underneath an inflatable “bridge” that was about 3 feet wide. We had told him previously to never swim under this bridge. As he saw the older kid do it with such ease however, he decided to give it a try. In his attempt to swim under the bridge he plunged his head under the water and swam with all his might expecting to resurface on the other side. His life jacket forced him to the surface earlier than anticipated and became caught on a seam of the rubber floatilla. In realizing he was not going to make it he freaked out and attempted to return from where he had come. He said that he had to swim as hard as he could to release himself from the bridge before he popped up above the surface gasping for air.

I was shocked by his story and confused by his concern about being dead. It seemed that although he had escaped drowning he was afraid that what he was now experiencing was death. I was freaking out and feeling overwhelmed at the outcome that could have devastated this beautiful day. I had failed at this moment to physically protect him and it was now time to emotionally and psychologically HOLD him.

I stumbled about attempting to elicit his entire story while simultaneously working to maintain my composure. Praise the Lord he was safe! But what is a parent to do?

After two years of on and off again reflection regarding this very scary experience I have deciphered what has become my way of HOLDING to protect from harm.

Physically Holding:

My son climbed up into my lap to tell his story, he desired physical closeness as well as strength to contain the convulsions and shakes of his emotionally charged body. Physical proximity during times of fear and pain can be very comforting to children. The natural rhythms of a parents breathing, heartbeat and voice serves to calm and regulate. I have learned to become more open to physical contact. Whether it’s holding hands, scratching a back, or applying sunscreen holding touch is a crucial ingredient in protecting a child from present and future harm.

Emotionally Holding:

My son was overwhelmed with emotion. He could not contain his feelings of fear, and uncertainty. He needed a parent to be a container for these overflowing emotions. As emotion pours out of a child and into the parent he needs to feel that the parent can handle it. The parent can manage his own emotions in the face of the child’s very powerful emotions. My son was also confused about what had happened. Emotional holding helps a child to make sense of confusing emotions and circumstances. Emotional holding seeks to fully understand the experience of the child without judgment. For the child telling the story enables him to make sense of the experience.

Psychologically Holding:

In the weeks following this incident I began to wonder if it might impact him long term. He loved to swim, but would he refuse to get back in the water? Would he have nightmares, irrational fears, or ongoing questions about death? I continued to talk about the situation hoping to communicate that it was ‘ok’ to talk about and that recurring thoughts were normal. At one point he stated that he thought about it often, so I wondered about his thoughts and even consulted a therapist. Psychological holding is being your child’s therapist. It is knowing when to talk and when to listen. It is knowing when to seek outside help for your child and possibly for yourself. Psychological holding is a parent’s ability to know a child in their mind, and heart. It is the ability to mentalize the child’s inner experience and respond appropriately.

My son is OK, we talk about this day every once in a while but mostly it is just part of his story. As his parent I am reminded that I cannot protect him from every danger, but that HOLDING him can help him to get through the scary things he encounters in life. I can be his secure base to which to return when times get rough and life is difficult.

What scary/painful things have your kids experienced and how did you help them through it? What was the hardest part about helping them through this difficult time?

Do You Feed Your Kids Crack?

2013-06-02T21:31:00.000-05:00

“Do you feed your kids crack?” The Sunday school teacher asked. “Oh… no, they are pretty energetic though aren’t they” I laughed. I entered the room to gather my three boys while one of them was sliding head first down the plastic slide, the second was leaning off the edge of the fort as though it was a ship at sea, and the third was chasing a girl around the room. I quickly gathered my clan rushed them off to the car and buckled them in their seats. My main thought on that day was, “my boys require a lot of structure.” We headed home and I chalked it up to another day in the life of a high-energy family.

A few weeks later I started to think about the question that this teacher posed to me. Like many things the more I thought about it the more frustrated I became. Don’t get me wrong I am the first to admit that my boys are active. They love to run, jump, wrestle, and get dirty. I am also the first to state however that I have great children and this is where the frustration came in. I started to wonder what this teacher thinks of my boys. My guess based on her question is that she views them as out-of-control, untamed, crazy, or scary.

I know that ultimately it does not matter what this person thinks about my children. I believe strongly however, that the way we experience children is the way they experience themselves. So, if this teacher experiences my children as crazy, out-of-control, or scary then that may be the way that they feel in her presence. I begin to wonder if she is overwhelmed by their energy. I sense that maybe she does not know how to contain them or is unsure of how to discipline them. If I were honest with myself I would admit that at times I feel these things. I feel overwhelmed, out-of-control, and scared of someone getting hurt.

Unfortunately when I feel these ways I tend to rely on my more primal parenting skills. Sometimes this includes yelling, sometimes annoyed tones of voice, other times checking out. Of course these skills do not work very well and actually communicate even more firmly to my children that I cannot handle them. I wonder what it feels like to my children when I am out of control? How do they feel when I am yelling, using my annoyed voice, or checked out?

At times I can see the answers on my sons face. The feeling seems to be either hurt or humiliation, whatever it is I know it when I see it. In my best moments I slow down, apologize, and acknowledge my mistake. In my worse moments I move on without giving it a second thought feeling justified in my frustration.

My sons truly do require a lot of structure. I find that things go better when I provide simple activities to help provide this structure. It might be playdoh, drawing, coloring, a task, or a walk. No matter what it is when I take action and help to structure the time they respond well. The best part is that in most cases when I start the activity and engage with them for a short time I can leave the activity and they will remain engaged beyond the time of my involvement. The hard part is staying calm, remembering that they need the structure and providing it before I become overwhelmed and out of control.

One thing that I have learned to do when things get tense at my house is to ask myself, “What do they need from me right now?” Many times the answer is structure and when I provide it things seem to calm down, and so do I.

What activities do you use to provide structure for your children?

Why Would A Good Guy Go to Hell?

2013-05-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

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My sons ask some really tough questions. They are so inquisitive, and curious about how the world works and why people do what they do. Many times the questions they ask let me know that there is much more going on in their head than I realize.

The oldest has been working on a school assignment to memorize the Apostles Creed. At breakfast one morning my wife was quizzing him on the phrase, “He descended into hell; and on third day he rose again from the dead.” After a few moments of thoughtful silence he dropped the bomb on us.

“Dad, Why would a good guy go to Hell?”

I could see the connections being made in his brain. He was thinking, “Mom and dad have been telling me all along that this Jesus guy is good, they say He is perfect, He is God, He loves me, and that I can trust Him.” “I also know that hell is a bad place. I know that there is fire; pain, hurt, and that I do not want to go there.”

So his little brain reasoned quite logically, why would this good guy go to such a horrible place?

Isn’t this the question on which the whole world hangs? Why did Jesus die on the cross descend into hell and come back to life?

I attempted in my feeble way to share surprise and wonder with my son. Isn’t it amazing that Jesus went to hell on our behalf? Imagine how horrible it would be if you and I had to go to hell for all the bad stuff we do? Or, what if the only way for us to be right with God was to live a perfect life? How good does a person have to be to be ‘ok’ in God’s eyes?

This question from my son revealed to me anew the wonder of salvation. I AM NOT GOOD, NO ONE IS GOOD apart from the sacrifice of Christ and it is only through his life, death, and resurrection that I have hope for the future. This good guy went to hell so that I don’t have to.

Thank you Lord, for teaching me through the thoughts of a young boy. Thank you for working in my child’s heart and planting the wondrous seed of faith. Grow in him this seed of faith allowing it to blossom through trust in the powerful work of Jesus Christ.

This was first published on the Dad Matters Blog

Daddy Will You Hold Me?

2013-05-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

I used to be a cruel and sadistic parent. I was selfish, tired, resentful, and overwhelmed.

My first son learned to walk when he was around nine months old. At about 18 months I figured he had had enough practice and I expected him to walk everywhere he went. When we went to the store he would slowly climb his way out of the car seat, I set him on the ground and expected him to walk to the store. He would start to whine about halfway there, when his little legs struggled to keep up with my full strides. As he plopped himself on the ground crying, “daddy hold me” my frustration would start to boil, I attempted to provide a logical choice, “You can walk, or you can ride in the cart.” However, logic was thrown out the window when I expected an 18 month old to walk the length of a parking lot.

8 years and 3 kids later I was reminded of my cruel and sadistic past. My five year old is high energy and high emotion. By the end of the day he has run his tank dry and seems to have little energy left for any self-care. As we finish reading books he plops himself on the floor and asks, “daddy will you hold me?”

When I scoop him up and carry him to bed I realize that “holding” a child is so much more than bringing that child from point A to point B.

Holding a child is:

Protecting from harm

Containing feelings

Softening your heart

Anticipating needs

Accepting uniqueness

Caring for hurts

Enforcing limits

Sacrificing self

Creating safety

Seeking to understand

Being present

Offering grace

Over the next several months my posts will be discussing questions about “holding” your children. Is it possible to drop a child emotionally while holding him physically? Is it possible to hold a child while not physically touching him? How do fathers hold differently than mothers? What are the consequences of never being held and how can one learn to hold if they never experienced it themselves?

Please join me in the discussion and offer your own reflections or questions about your experience as a parent.

My Wife Went Out of Town and I Asked For Help

2013-04-28T21:22:00.000-05:00

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Several months ago my wife started preparing me for the inevitable. A long time friend was getting married and she floated the idea of attending the wedding. She would be a plane flight away while I stayed home to care for our four young children. My normal response in these situations is silence. I am trying to remain calm, and avoid totally betraying the feelings of anxiety and frustration that immediately crop up.

I love my kids, I am a very involved father, and I am passionate about impacting the lives of my children. When it comes to parenting alone for a weekend however, I am a mess. I really desire for my wife to have time of her own, I desire for her to connect with old friends, and I have had many chances to take such trips.

My problem is that I get overwhelmed; there is just so much to do. There are moments when things are going fine, and then there are moments when it feels seconds away from implosion. As I move through the days doing my best to stay one step ahead of the chaos the feeling becomes more powerful and out of control.

So, with this trip on the horizon I asked for help, my mom came into town and my sister and her pre-teen daughter spent time lending an extra hand.

Somewhere in the middle of the weekend I started to wonder if I was betraying my fellow man. I have read several articles lately and am aware of a pretty significant movement of dads looking to improve the image of fathers. I have felt that I am a part of this movement. I do desire to demonstrate that men are capable parents. So, I wondered if asking for help made me a sell-out? Had I become a hypocrite in the world of active fathers?

After some reflection I have decided that no, I am not a sell-out or a hypocrite, I am just me. I am laid back, low energy, low structure, introverted, reflective, and male. When I enter a group of people I hang around the edges, observe for a while, and then settle into a conversation with 1 or 2 warm personalities. My wife is outgoing, high energy, high structure, extroverted, logical, and female. When she enters a group of people she jumps right into the mix, moves from group to group, and meets many new people.

I am struck by the fact that our different personalities also reflect our different styles of parenting. She is perfectly comfortable managing and directing the crisis of taking four children to the grocery store. She responds quickly in many situations and is adept at moving from child to child, while maintaining focus on the task at hand. My reflective personality causes me to respond more slowly. I want to think things through. I wonder how my words in this moment may impact the future development of a fragile psyche. I analyze motivations, body language, and tone changes all in the hopes of responding perfectly as to avoid any further complications.

Isn’t it amazing how who we are as people, so totally impacts who we are as parents? I am very thankful that my wife is not like me. I am also thankful that I am not like my wife. Our personalities and parenting styles are complementary and we have become a really great team. She is a force of energy, passion, excitement, and structure. I am steady, thoughtful, calming, and relaxed.

I am beginning to realize that my anxiety and frustration with parenting on my own may not be the result of deficient skills. I think it is more like losing a valued teammate. I think I am a better parent in the presence of my wife. We work well together and support one another. She gives me strength and I give her stability. Asking for help is like inserting a sub, the new player can never replace the trusted veteran but neither does it reduce the value of the remaining player.

The weekend with my wife away went much better than I expected. It was a nice opportunity for my children to spend time with their grandmother and cousin. I enjoyed having new team members at my side and am thankful to have learned a lesson about accepting my weaknesses and strengths.

Oh, and my wife points out that it took three of them to replace the one of her!!

This Post originally appeared at The Good Men Project

Before We Talk Gun Control, Let's Talk Self-Control

2013-04-05T21:43:00.000-05:00

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I see the video of students running to embrace their parents after the Columbine shooting. I hear the 9-1-1 calls from Aurora Colorado. I fear for my child’s safety following Newtown Connecticut. The images of these tragedies continue to raise serious questions in my mind, what is wrong with our society? Where does this violence come from? And what can be done to protect my children?

In the months following the Newtown Connecticut shooting my questions have been societies questions. The issues have been discussed on news shows, experts have weighed in and there are all sorts of opinions. Recently however the discussion seems to have focused on gun control. Who can own them? How many rounds should they hold? What is the difference between hunting and military style weapons? And should there be a national gun registry?

I am afraid that these discussions about gun control miss the more important point. If we are seeking to answer the questions, “what is wrong with society?” “Where does this violence come from?” and “How can we protect our children?” then we must instead be talking about self-control. We have become a nation of self-indulgence. The Centers for Disease Control reports that over 1/3 of American adults are obese. The collapse of the U.S. housing market revealed a pattern of gross overspending and irresponsible lending. In my work as a school counselor I see many parents indulging their child’s every desire while expecting very little responsibility. We are surrounded by technologies designed to make life quick and convenient while avoiding the arduous and difficult.

Our children are told that happiness comes from living in the moment, following their heart, and being themself. Yet according to the U.S. census bureau between 1990 and 2009 for every 6.8 marriages there were 3.4 divorces. The emphasis placed on self-indulgence does not seem to create successful relationships. What if this over indulgence of self actually makes it easier to discard important relationships? What about the influence celebrity? In 2012 Americans spent $1.37 billion on movie tickets. Many look to these movie stars as well as athletes as role models for success. However, based on the number of front-page mug shots and court appearances even these cultural figures struggle with self-control. I am very concerned that my children are growing up in a nation that views impulsivity, selfishness, and self-aggrandizement as virtues rather than vices.

Why are we surprised when a product of this culture does exactly what he was taught to do? He follows his angry heart, disregards the value of others, and impulsively, irrationally, and selfishly murders innocent people? The real solution for the gun control problem is a radical shift in our national values. Self-control must not be viewed as an attempt to limit individual freedoms. Instead, it must be viewed as the ability to choose what is best rather than what is immediate.

Self-control provides a person the power to direct ones life. I have encountered many students who do not know this. They seem to believe that self-control is a position of weakness rather than strength. They are convinced that limiting themselves will result in limited freedom. What they don’t realize is that controlling ones self is the ultimate in freedom. The ability to control our impulses, emotions, and desires may be the most difficult task of life. However, as we learn to harness these inner experiences we are set free from the ups and downs of inner volatility. We realize that others have absolutely no control over our inner world and thus no control of us. “I am the only one who can control me.” What a great freedom and responsibility. The freedom provides the path to make life what I want it to be. The responsibility requires that if life is not what I want it to be, I have no one to blame but myself. Man Life is tough!

My guess is that those who perpetrate mass shootings never learned the lesson of self-control. They never realized that they were ultimately in control of their thoughts, emotions, fantasies, and actions. I would guess they felt a sense of their life being out of control. I imagine they felt provoked to commit these crimes and saw no other escape from their prison of anger, hurt, and loneliness. My hope is that as we shift from a culture of self-indulgence to self-control that the would-be murderers will regain the power to direct their life. I hope they will find freedom in valuing others, connecting in relationships, and living in reality. That is the best gun control only an individual can create.

This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project

The Facade of Manliness--a discussion with Chopper Poppa

2013-03-22T20:12:00.000-05:00

Chopper Poppa is Kyle Bradford a father of two. He is passionate about his children and fatherhood. He recently invited me to join him for his podcast Fatherhood Wide Open. We discussed a post I had written when I first started my blog. "The Fortress of Solitude" was a post I wrote while thinking about what it means to be a man and how I can best influence my boys to reaching this ideal. Kyle and I discussed the difference between authentic manhood and a facade of manliness designed to emotionally isolate oneself from others. We discussed how parents unintentionally lock their boys into a fortress of solitude and some important ways to protect them from relational isolation. Follow the link below to hear more of the discussion.

Fatherhood Wide Open--The Facade of Manliness

Growing Boys Into Men--A Christian Perspective

2013-03-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

I am very excited to have been interviewed by Lon Woodbury for his show Parent Choices For Struggling Teens on LA Talk radio.com. I spent about an hour discussing one of my favorite topics with Lon, Growing Boys into Men --A Christian Perspective. I have attached the link to the entire show below and am hopeful that you will take the time to listen.
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Growing Boys Into Men--A Christian Perspective

There seems to be a crisis of manhood in the United States. 24 million children in the US live in a home absent of their biological father. Studies show that children who live with their father are less likely to have emotional/behavioral problems, be incarcerated, experience child abuse, and become pregnant as a teenager. Growing today’s generation of boys into men can have a significant impact on future generations. Lon Woodbury and Mark Vander Ley discuss the Christian perspective to Growing boys into Men. They will discuss a Christian definition of manhood, the unique challenges that Christian parents face when raising boys, The important role that mothers and fathers play in growing boys into men, and practical ways families grow their young boys into men.

Permission to Laugh

2013-02-26T21:24:00.000-06:00

This morning was a little different than normal. I was taking the boys to school. My wife was leaving early to drop our daughter at daycare. She had to dress professionally in preparation for her clinical training day. The boys had slept in a little longer than normal and we parents had taken advantage by sleeping in ourselves. Things were going OK but we were late and nerves were running hot.

The boys were eating their biscuits and jelly, while my wife was holding our daughter and trying to prepare her breakfast at the same time. She needed to rinse a bowl in the sink when it happened. She flipped on the faucet, the sprayer nozzle stuck and water went flying across the kitchen soaking her, our daughter, and the floor. The surprise of the cold water caused my wife to let out a loud high pitched scream, which scared the 9 month old daughter causing her to cry.

The boys and I sat eating breakfast not knowing quite how to respond. The 3- year old covered his mouth trying to keep his breakfast from spewing out as he stifled a giggle. The 5-year old let out one lone giggle and then shut up quickly sensing that mom might not appreciate his response. I stood there dumbfounded remembering the night before when I had the same problem but was too lazy to find a solution. The 7-year old forced out the obligatory, “don’t laugh, it’s not funny!” reprimand of his younger brothers.

Now, this situation could have gone a number of different ways, but thanks to a patient and playful response things took a positive turn.

My wife paused a moment, seemingly to gather her super human strength, took a breath and said playfully, “well, it was kinda funny!”

The boys burst into laughter! They let loose with belly laughs and howls that are normally reserved for only the most hilarious moments. The previously tense feeling of the morning had been shattered, nerves had been instantly cooled and we shared a family laugh in a stressful time.

As I reflected on this moment I was struck by the importance of giving children permission to laugh. They desperately wanted to laugh, but they needed to know it was safe. My wife could have responded with anger, and continued the morning with increased tension and pressure. In her patience and playfulness however she sent the signal that she could laugh at herself and they could follow suit.

We have laughed about this moment several more times in the days to follow. We remember back with our boys about the time mom got sprayed by the sink. We share mini moments of laughter in the midst of the daily grind.

What a blessing we were given, a moment to laugh on a busy hectic morning and a lifetime to remember that wonderful feeling of connecting in joy through the power of laughter.

What are your funniest family moments?

I Hope My Son Drops Out of High School...

2013-02-14T21:09:00.000-06:00

I hope my sons drop out of high school if they find it to be a total waste of their time. I have long considered schools unfriendly environments for boys and a recent articlein the New York Times only confirmed my hunch. The article sights a study finding, “that boys across all racial groups and in all major subject areas received lower grades than their test scores would have predicted.”

The researchers attributed the discrepancy to, “noncognitive skills”: attentiveness, persistence, eagerness to learn, the ability to sit still and work independently.” As a father of 3 energetic boys I know that “noncognitive skills” can be very challenging for young boys to master.

I was reminded of two recent interactions that fueled my frustration as I considered the educational challenges many boys face in the coming years.

The first interaction was an enrollment meeting for a student that was returning to our school after having missed most of a semester due to truancy, spending some time in the department of corrections, and being “home schooled”. He sat silently and solemnly as we spoke about his need to take responsibility, complete his work, attend regularly, and have a positive attitude. He barely acknowledged us but with a shrug agreed to the expectations. I was struck by how horrible it must feel to be stuck for days and years in a place that seemed purposeless. Had this young man just traded a prison of bars and guards for one comprised of textbooks and teachers?

The second interaction was a fourth grader who has not done good work at school for years and has done minimal work for the last few days. His acting out had grown worse and his unpredictable behavior required one-on-one supervision. He is a wonderfully likable boy; his hands are stained black from his hobby of fixing and selling broken bicycles. He knows more about an engine than I ever will. Every time I enter the room he pretends to pull the thumb off my hand. We joke around, I act surprised and he puts it back as we say hello. Today’s interaction was like many others but I was again struck by his imprisonment. He has 8 more years of school before he will be able to make a living doing what he enjoys. He will likely work with his hands fixing cars, building houses, or driving machinery. My guess is that he will be very good at it, but until then he is stuck inside pushing pencils and causing “problems”.

These boys do not want to be in school, they discovered a long time ago that it does not work for them. They do not see how math, english, and science are going to help them in the real world. They do not care about following rules, sitting still, or reading a loud, these skills will not help them survive their environment.

My mind immediately moved to solutions. How can these boys be re-engaged in the learning environment? What can be done to provide an increased sense of success? Here are my thoughts.

1. Provide a sensory rich educational environment.

Fewer recesses, cuts in P.E., pressure to perform on standardized tests, and limited budgets all contribute to sensory deprivation in schools. A lot of classroom instruction is limited to the senses of vision and hearing. Many boys learn best by touching, smelling, tasting, and especially doing. A varied and dynamic learning environment could engage all the senses and cells of a child’s body. Reasonable breaks for large muscle movement, snacks, and social interaction could also reinvigorate a student.

2. Increased parental support

Many people would like to blame the parents for not providing enough support. It is true that many parents do not have the emotional, psychological, or financial resources to provide the support their children need to find success in school. Many of these parents are struggling to provide for basic needs, they may be preoccupied with personal difficulties, or have had bad experiences in school themselves. For whatever reason many parents struggle to emphasize education as a family priority making it extremely difficult for their child to succeed. Parents need to step up! Too much responsibility has been placed on schools and teachers. Parents teach values, self-control, and work ethic. Abdicating these jobs to schools creates an impossible task and an adversarial environment. Parents must trust schools and work to reinforce the shared goals of hard work, responsibility, learning, and growth.

3. Create clear connections between future work and current curriculum

I have found very few boys that were not willing to work hard as long as they could see the purpose in their effort. It may be difficult for boys to see how toiling for years in math, english, and science books will prepare them for careers as a welder, carpenter, business man, or engineer. Some boys desire skills, hands on training, and practical experience. What happened to vocational schools? Can a 15- year- old apprentice with a plumber for his last two years to earn his high school diploma? Learning outside the classroom, in real work situations could provide purpose and engagement that cannot be found in a book.

4. A realistic valuation of college vs. career paths

Is it true that everyone should go to college? I think not! Not all students are interested in or capable of continued studies. Students are warned that they won’t be able to get a good job without a college education. This is just not true. Many times college-educated students struggle to find work while those with practical skills are in high demand. The skills of hard work, perseverance, and intuition can be just as valuable as a college education. I hope that we will begin to see careers in the trades as equally honorable as compared to a professional career.

I am hopeful that my sons will graduate from high school. However, without a sensory rich educational environment, increased engagement from yours truly, clear connections between future career and current curriculum, and increased valuation of the trades they may not make it. If they choose the path of GED and trade training, I am confident they will find success. I will be proud of their hard work, honesty, and integrity. I will be honored to be their father.

What has school been like for your son or daughter?

The Original Dad 2.0

2013-02-04T21:40:00.000-06:00

James the Original Dad 2.0

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to attend and speak at the Dad 2.0 Summit. It was a gathering of bloggers, brands, media, and authors interested in changing the perception of dad as buffoon to dad as valued parent. I had no idea that there were so many dads from a wide variety of backgrounds passionate about raising their kids and making the world a better place.

I was especially surprised to meet the most inspiring Dad 2.0 on my ride from the airport to the conference. One of the sponsors of the event was Honda and they provided attendees with free rides from the airport to the hotel. James provided my ride and my inspiration was provided by his story.

I am not sure how we got on the subject but the entire trip from the airport was spent talking about life and fatherhood. James’ story was like many I have heard before. He described his father as physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. His father was powerful and never let anyone disrespect his name. Living in one of the toughest neighborhoods in town James quickly figured out what it took to be safe. He discovered that if he intimidated people they would join him rather than fight him. After being kicked out of his house at a very young age he started down a self-destructive path. He met a girl, broke the law, and ended up in jail.

“I always knew I wanted to do it differently.” James said. He inherently knew that hitting, yelling, and aggression were not the best way, but he struggled to find other approaches. As he fought to free himself from prison that girl he met remained committed. When he was finally released he set his sights on making life for his children different.

James told me more stories of how he raised his kids differently. He described himself as strict but loving. He told me about the long hours he worked to establish his own business. He beamed with pride as he shared about the accomplishments of his daughter. We joked about his desire to have another child so his family name could live on.

This original Dad 2.0 inspired me. He did not have a model of positive fatherhood. He had made some serious mistakes. Had he given up his kids would have added to the statistics about fatherless children. But, he was committed to doing it differently. He was not going to let his negative experiences and decisions forever impact the lives of his descendants.

James is what Dad 2.0 is all about. It is about breaking the cycle of fatherlessness, disengagement, and hurt. It is about dads being vulnerable, taking emotional risks, and leading families despite the hard times. Dad 2.0 is about supporting one another, encouraging one another, and challenging one another to raise the bar. Fathers that “babysit” the kids are no longer good enough. This world needs fathers that are committed to doing it differently while being actively involved with the next generation.

How are you doing it differently?

THE ANGRY GROWL

2013-01-27T21:23:00.000-06:00

As a younger man I thought anger was a really effective tool for working with kids. I thought it worked because when I got angry I yelled, when I yelled my voice changed from monotone kindness to something that sounded like a growl from hell. When my voice changed to this scary growl from hell kids listened. In my mind this worked. I would ignore frustrations, hurts, or annoyances until I could ignore no more, then I would explode with a scary tone. Once I had exploded I felt a lot better, my feelings had been expressed and the people around me seemed to “understand.”

I have two vivid memories of discovering that my explosive anger was not helping people to understand me but to fear me.

I was working as a direct care staff at a residential facility for teens. These were normal kids who had struggled at home; they came to us to heal their family relationships. I was very young myself but had been charged with the task of “parenting” and leading these teens. One day toward the end of my yearlong commitment of service, I had asked a young man to complete his chore by taking out the trash. A few minutes later I peeked out the door to check on him and realized he had been distracted while “sword fighting” with a broom. I felt the anger well up inside of me, whipped open the door and growled, “Stop screwing around and get to work!”

Just then a new staff member appeared around the corner. (Literally having arrived the day before) I had this instant feeling of being caught. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I also felt powerful because of how quickly that boy jumped to attention and finished his chore.

A couple years later while working as a youth pastor, I taught a 7^th grade Sunday school class. This class was challenging for me; there was a difficult mixture of the “popular” kids and those that were “annoying”. One Sunday was filled with especially snotty remarks and I could take it no longer. I laid into them with talk of kindness, respect, and love all in my characteristic growl of anger. The room grew silent and I could see their faces fill with what I thought was remorse.

Shortly after arriving home from that Sunday school class I received a phone call from a concerned parent. Her daughter who tended to be pretty sensitive and was not involved in the snotty remarks had returned home in tears. The parent asked what had occurred and if I could speak with her daughter.

As I began to mature and gain some much needed self-reflection skills these two incidents stuck in my mind. What was this experience that simultaneously produced feelings of guilt, shame, and power? Was this technique that seemed to produce such a swift response in people really working?

More growth and first time fatherhood brought about increased pressure and self-reflection. The most profound realization of my need to change came one night as I was attempting to console my newborn baby. He had been crying for what seemed like hours and we had tried everything we knew to soothe him. I held him close to me as he screamed and writhed in my arms. The thought that kept coming to mind was, “STOP BEING SUCH A BABY” I wanted to yell it at the top of my lungs. I felt the anger welling up and had nothing but a worthless growl voice to rely on.

That is the moment I realized that anger is a primitive and under developed parenting skill. My growl was useless in the face of my son’s tears. Actually, if I had used my go to skill it would have only made the situation worse and created fear rather than love. My growl of anger had evoked action in the teens I worked with but only out of fear. All these years when I thought I was effectively motivating, I was really fearfully motivating. If I was to become the parent my son needed I would be required to find new ways of managing my emotions and responses.

In the years since that night in the nursery, I am thankful to have gotten a handle on my anger. I have learned to express frustration and discontent in the moment rather than allowing it to build up. I have developed a better sense of personal boundaries in relation to work, family, and friends. I have learned that an out of control parent is very scary for a child. When children are scared of their parents they miss out on the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes.

There are still moments when my anger builds inside of me. I feel warm and become tempted to motivate with fear. There are also moments when I slip back to using my primitive and underdeveloped skill of anger. I am hopeful that as I continue to grow and reflect these moments will become less intense and less regular. May you experience the same joy of self-control.

How have you learned to control your Anger?

I've Been Profiled

2013-01-12T23:48:00.000-06:00

When I think of profiling or stereotyping I usually think of the racial type. I am thankful to have never encountered the significant consequences of being profiled. My experience consists of being the only Caucasian boy on a baseball team made up of all Hispanic boys; they gave me the nickname “white boy”.

Today however, I discovered that I had been profiled based on my religious beliefs. I received a message from a fellow dad blogger saying that he owed me an apology. He had read my twitter profile beginning with “I am a follower of Christ” and instantly wrote me “off” based on his previous assumptions about Christians. He went to my blog and discovered that most of my posts began by quoting a bible passage. This was more evidence in his mind that I fit the profile he was thinking of.

I am not exactly sure what assumptions were made about me based on those words, “I am a follower of Christ”, but I spent the day wondering about it. I wonder if he expected my blog to be full of articles railing against homosexuality, gun control, and President Obama? I wonder if he expected to read about the evils of abortion, or a call to boycott some movie, company, or product? I wonder if he expected my blog to feel argumentative, judgmental, condescending, or arrogant? Maybe he just didn’t want to read about how good God is when there is so much crap going on in the world.

To my delight, this dad blogger has written a post telling the story of how after his initial visit to my blog he had a separate conversation that provided him with increased insight regarding his profiling of Christians. Following this exchange he returned to my blog for a second look and wrote this about his experience;

“I went back to that first blog. This time, rather than flee at the sight of scripture, I stayed a while and read his last three posts. Turns out, he’s just a guy trying to live a good life. That life, for him, is rooted in his faith. His posts may play off of the selected bible verses that precede them, but mostly he just writes about being a dad.”

I really appreciate that this blogger took the time to get to know me. He spent time listening rather than talking and made a true effort to understand my perspective. He discovered that I was not what he thought I was. Through my writing he was able to discover the true picture of who I am. I am just a guy living a life rooted in faith trying to be a dad.

I fully believe that a posture of listening, understanding, respecting, and loving could change our society. When we truly get to know someone we begin to realize that they are a unique individual separate from assumptions based on labels and appearances. Thank you dad blogger friend for beginning a dialogue and moving beyond your previously held assumptions.

Do As I Say Not As I Do?

2012-12-26T14:24:00.001-06:00

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us. Ephesians 5:1

I learned another important lesson of parenthood the other day, and like many other lessons this one was the direct result of something involving my child. My family and I have had the wonderful blessing of spending this Christmas with my wife’s family. Her brother is here, her sister’s family, parents, and of course, the associated kids.

One of the great things about visiting with family is watching the children play together. They spend the days outside playing with bicycles, searching for treasures, and building friendships. Two days ago however we ran into a little snag.

My wife and I had left the house to run an errand with two of our children. We got a call from my mother in law that something had been broken at the house. It appeared that one of the two boys we had with us was the culprit. Driving home we decided that the “suspect” would have a private talk with grandma before he moved on to any play activities. We knew that she was not upset but that she wanted to reinforce the lesson of confessing and apologizing if you have damaged a piece of someone else’s property.

As we pulled into the driveway I parked my father in laws truck next to my brother in laws relatively new car. Since it was the holidays and we had two kids with us it was a bit of a struggle to get out of the car. I opened the door and began unloading the boys and the packages. As the “suspect” jumped out I leaned to my left and bumped the truck door pushing it further open into the passenger door of my brother in laws car. I put down my belongings, pulled the door partially closed, and surveyed the damage. I had left a dull silver/grey scratch the size of a quarter on the dark black paint.

My first thought was, “Oh Sh*t”. My second thought was, “he may never notice, maybe I could wipe it off.” My third thought jumped right to my poor son marching his way to a private discussion with grandma about the stone cross he had broken. To be a father with any integrity and character, to be the father that I claim to be, I must tell my brother in law what had happened.

I went inside and watched as my son sheepishly spoke with his grandmother telling the story of how the stone cross came to be broken. As expected, she was not upset with him. She only asked that next time he tell her when something at her house was broken.

Moments later my brother in law walked in the house and I sheepishly told him about his car. I apologized as he walked outside to check on the damage done. As expected, he was not upset with me and only thanked me for telling him that it had happened.

I wonder who learned the bigger lesson? My son won’t remember this experience and I am pretty sure “not me” will be blamed again in the future. I think this lesson was a Christmas gift for dad. I learned that the way I live my life speaks much louder than the words I say. This was a simple reminder that in order to raise children with integrity, honor, and love for Christ, I must first possess that which I hope to pass on.

I pray that my boys see more of Christ in me than they do of me. I know that it is only through His grace that any child of mine will become a child of His.

How do you experience God’s grace in parenting?