Parenting Creatively

But Mommy, I love Cheezies!

2012-02-18T08:09:00.000-05:00

I thought it was important to talk about allergies because sometimes allergies can mimic other disorders like ADHD. My oldest daughter developed a rash around her mouth when she was little and would get an upset stomach, diarrhea, headaches and at times would be very hyperactive. Our doctor confirmed that she probably had some kind of food allergy. Without subjecting to her to blood work which I didn’t want to do at the time, we were left to either keep a food diary or do an elimination diet.

We chose to do the elimination diet where she was eating pretty much only plain rice every day and bananas. After a week the rash had completely gone away. Keeping her on that diet was a struggle. I tried not to let her see us eating other foods that she enjoyed and we kept busy during the day so she wouldn’t think about wanting to snack. On the weekend however, she saw her brother eating Cheezies, one of her favourite things at the time and we finally caved and let her have one. The reaction was instant, red rash around her lips and she was very hyper. I knew that she was definitely allergic to something in those Cheezies. It turns out; she is allergic to Monosodium Glutamate. To confirm this we avoided all foods with MSG after this and the rash went away again and she was back to her old self. Whenever she accidentally consumed the MSG we would notice a rash again, but not always around her mouth, sometimes it would be on her arms or stomach. We would give her Benadryl and make sure to be more careful about our food selection in the future.

As a Child and Youth Counselor what I learned from my daughter’s food allergies is that it is important to rule this out when dealing with a child who is having difficulty concentrating at school or is displaying hyperactivity. Allergies and other health problems such as thyroid problems, low blood sugar or an insufficient diet can cause our bodies to act differently so it’s important to see your doctor and rule out these possibilities.

Below are some common food allergies to watch out for:

Milk (cow or soy)

Grains (wheat or gluten)

Additives (MSG, red and yellow dye, sulfites)

Berries (strawberries)

Tree nuts

Chocolate

Tomatoes

Shell fish and other fish

If you suspect your child has an allergy then there are many websites that can help you with elimination diets, food journals, etc. If your child is older or is suffering from a severe allergy, it is best to see your doctor for a blood test.

Dealing with an anaphylactic (life threatening) food allergy is very serious and unlike my daughter’s allergy, a child with this type of allergy must carry an Epi-pen with them that will provide them with some extra time to get to the hospital after coming in contact with an allergen. It is very important that everyone in your child’s life knows that your child has a life threatening allergy and how to administer the Epi-pen.

Whatever your child’s allergy, it is also important to educate your child. Teaching your child what foods to avoid and why will save them a lot of discomfort. They must learn to read labels and speak up when they are at school or a friend’s house about their allergy. The good news is that over the last ten years of my daughter having an MSG allergy, I have noticed an improvement in food labelling, awareness and an increase in MSG free options for her. Overall, a family can help a child to live with a food allergy by keeping the food allergen out of the home, eating simple and healthy meals and snacks and educating others.

Keeping the Winter Blahs Away!

2012-01-31T21:07:00.001-05:00

While us Canadians haven’t had too bad of a winter this year, I find we still get a little stir crazy by the end of January and if you aren’t one of the lucky ones to go South then we need to find a way to make the best of it here at home.

Below are some ideas for bringing a little fun and excitement into your life over the winter months:

v Mexican Night – fill a piñata with candy and dollar store items and hang it from the rafters in your rec room, make homemade burritos, nachos and/or tacos. Let the kids colour Mexican flags to decorate your house. You can even get some sombreros to wear and maracas to shake.

v Have a regular family game night where everyone gets a chance to choose a game. Some of our favourites are monopoly, Scrabble, Yahtzee, go fish, Pictionary and Wii bowling.

v Have a movie night – make different flavoured popcorn, make the room dark, turn the phones off, get your favourite blankets and cuddle up on the couch together.

v Go Camping in the Living room – one of my kids favourite memories is having a ‘camp in’, my husband would get the big box fan out and put a fitted sheet around it, turn it on and voila, instant tent! You can get your sleeping bags out, sing camp songs, have a chocolate fondue with marshmallows instead of roasting them and tell stories.

v Hawaiian Luau – I saw some little umbrellas and leis at the dollar store yesterday which inspired this blog and I thought how fun it would be to have some friends over on the March break and pretend we are somewhere warm together. Virgin Piña coladas for the kids, dressing up in bright flowered shirts and having a hula hoop challenge are just some of the ideas I have for our get together. Another fun idea is to have an indoor sandbox for the kids; you can put play sand inside a baby pool or if you’re not that brave, you can give them a big bin of rice or beans to play with.

v Baking is always a fun and tasty thing to do in the winter. Having the oven on, on a cold wintery day and the smell of cookies or bread baking is so nice. There are so many recipes online to choose from, home-made pizza dough, bagels, etc.

v Home Renovations – even little kids can help to design and paint a room and teaching older children how to hammer nails and putty drywall are good life skills to have. It’s a rewarding feeling to say that your family worked on a new room together.

v Kids Yoga – get your family in shape by teaching your little ones some fun animal yoga poses. If you need help, go to You Tube and search ‘kids animal yoga poses’.

v Play Games – hide and seek, musical chairs, and night at the museum (turn the lights down low and give one person a flashlight, they are the museum guide who shines it on each ‘statue’ and if they catch the statue moving or laughing then they are the new guide) are a few of my kids favourites.

v Tea Party – even if you don’t have all girls, a tea party can still be fun (my husband has been to many!), have everyone dress up, make some little sandwiches and get out the fancy dishes and table cloth.

v Crafts – my kids all love doing crafts. A trip to the dollar store can provide you with paper, glue, stickers, cotton balls, paper plates, popsicle sticks, glitter, etc. There are many ideas online but some that we’ve had fun with are popsicle stick houses, bean filled tambourines, paper bag puppets, and cards for Grandma and Grandpa.

Teaching Social Skills

2012-01-22T09:02:00.000-05:00

Having worked with children with exceptionalities, I’ve found that something that other children often take for granted and learn naturally that others don’t is social skills. Social skills are all those little things that we do in social settings that we often don’t think twice about. We use manners, introduce ourselves, shake hands, make eye contact and pause to listen to others.

A child that has missed parts of their normal social development due to illness, cognitive delays or abuse, may need to go back and learn some of these skills over again. It really depends on where the child is at with their social skills as to where you’d begin with your teaching. Below are some suggestions as to what they may need to work on and how you can teach it.

Eye Contact – At times, children may not make eye contact or see the importance in it, they may need reminders to make eye contact during a conversation. Please note that not all cultures see eye contact as an important part of social awareness.

Minimal Encouragers – These are things like nodding your head or saying “Uh huh” during a conversation that let others know that you are paying attention. You can teach a child to do this by using flash cards that tell them when it is an appropriate time during a conversation to nod their head.

Greetings – Learning to say “Hello” or “Good Morning” is an important step for a child as it is the way that people know that we are friendly and happy people who they will want to get to know better. A good way to teach your child is to model greetings yourself, get them to practice greetings with their family at home and through role playing with siblings or even stuffed animals.

How to ask a friend to play – Having a friend to play with at recess is so important to children; if your child is struggling to make friends, get the school on board. Perhaps they can pair your child up with another student who can help them ask others to play. Role playing at home with a family friend or sibling is again, a great way your child can practice asking someone to play without the fear of rejection.

Taking Turns – Teaching a child to take turns can be done by playing simple board games where you must take turns. Another way to teach this is by trading toys with your child “It’s my turn with the truck but you can have the car”.

Saying Good Bye – Children that lack social skills don’t always think about saying good-bye, see you later or have a good night, when someone is about to leave. Just like teaching Greetings, you can model farewells and have them practice them at home. Sometimes your child will just need a reminder and you can come up with a signal that will help them to remember what they are to say.

Manners – saying please and thank-you is not always obvious to young children or those with delays. It is important to model good manners, prompt your child and practice whenever you can.

Having a Conversation – Carrying on a conversation is a much bigger social skill than we tend think it is, since most of us do it all the time. During a conversation, we do many things that let the other person know that we are listening, are interested in what they are saying and have something interesting to say back to them. When teaching a child about having a conversation, we first need to teach them to talk about an appropriate topic. If we can find a topic that interests our child, that is a good place to start. Often a popular television show is something they can use to start a conversation with a peer. Practice a conversation at home with them. Use flash cards or hand signals to teach your child when they should pause and allow the other person to talk, when to nod their head, use eye contact, etc. Watch television shows together and pause them to show your child examples of how people pause, etc.

A great resource for teaching social skills can be found at http://www.modelmekids.com/.

Thought I Was Doing a Good Job!

2012-01-20T18:19:00.000-05:00

Why is it so infuriating when someone criticizes our parenting? I am wondering this because a parent of my daughter insinuated lately that I’m not strict enough when it comes to parenting.

Part of me thinks that we are afraid deep down that we’re going to screw up our kids and that we’re not doing all that we can to make sure that they’re healthy, learning everything they can and feel good about themselves at the end of the day. The other part of me thinks that some days it’s just darn hard work and if we’re working this hard at it, then we must be doing something right. Right?!

We see a show like ‘America’s Got Talent’ and there are children who can dance, sing and perform amazing stunts at such young ages and we wonder if we should have gotten our children into ‘this’ or ‘that’ at a younger age. Did we miss out on a special skill that our child may have had or with a little perseverance would my child have become a musical prodigy? Then we see a glimpse of ‘Toddlers in Tiaras’ and we think the opposite!

As parents we spend a good part of our day doing one thing or another for our children. We feed them, make sure they are dressed in clean clothes, get them off to school, go to work so we can make money for more food and clothes, then we’re helping with homework, taking them to extracurricular activities, feeding them again and making sure they’re getting a good night’s sleep. We drive them to practices at 5:30 in the morning and we spend ridiculous amounts of money on equipment that may end up in the shed next year.
Somewhere in between there, we’re absorbing advice from friends, family, coworkers and Dr. Phil and trying to add a multivitamin to our child’s morning routine and use more vegetables in our shepherd’s pie at dinner.

So, if after all this, someone comes to us and criticizes our job as parents, I think we just may be justified if we take offense to it, even though, I’m trying hard not to.

Childcare, A Good Fit for Your Family and Your Child

2012-01-17T21:39:00.000-05:00

Finding great childcare for your child is first about figuring out what you consider ‘great’ childcare. Do you and your partner agree on what childcare should look like for your child? Here’s a checklist of things that you may view as important for your child:

ÿ Individual attention

ÿ Academics

ÿ Nurturing

ÿ Help with toileting

ÿ Proximity to home and school

ÿ Behaviour management

ÿ Close friends

ÿ Daily walks

ÿ Park and community outings

ÿ Creative freedom

ÿ Nutritious meals

ÿ Home cooked meals

ÿ Cultural teachings

ÿ Cartoons and movies

ÿ Crafts

ÿ Story time

ÿ Home setting

ÿ Lots of other children to play with

ÿ Other: (many other qualities you may think of)

Once you have an idea of what is most important to you from the list above, you then need to start looking around at what is available in your area. You have a number of choices when it comes to childcare such as a daycare centers, preschools or Montessori schools, home daycares or a nanny or relative.

Daycare centers are located in most neighbourhoods and they provide fairly standard care at the going rate. They offer nutritious meals, activities and socialization with other children. There are benefits to going with a daycare center, there is structure and routines that are a good preparation for school and they are licenced and run by educated staff.

Daycare centers obviously vary in what they offer, from playgrounds and formalized curriculums to cameras that you can access online to check in on your child. Some of the newest daycares where I live are now connected to the new public schools and make for an even easier transition from ‘preschool’ to kindergarten. Montessori schools are centers whose philosophy is child development through independence and creativity. Children are given more choices and there are less rules imposed on them in order to stimulate their ability to explore.

Home daycares vary to greater degrees than daycare centers, which means parents must do more leg work initially to find a good fit. It could be worth it though. Home daycares are often more affordable, offer more individualized attention and can still provide the education piece that many parents are looking for. Home daycare providers can also be in your neighbourhood and offer before and after school care once your child is in school which provides them with consistency.

The last choice you have is you or your spouse. If after going through the process of looking for suitable childcare, you don’t find any, then perhaps you have overlooked the possibility of extending your parental leave, switching to a part time position or even quitting your job to stay home with your child. No one can really make this decision for you, it has nothing to do with how much you love your child, and it has everything to do with your own personal career and financial goals and how they fit with parenting. Whatever your decision, if you’ve done your homework, you can rest easy that it will be a good fit for your family and your child.

The Shy Child

2012-01-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

I was a painfully shy child so it’s not surprising to me that my own children also were shy. My first day of kindergarten I held in a cough all day because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself! My son had a huge meltdown when I tried to take him to a new craft class and he refused to go. My middle daughter (who is now very outgoing) use to give me the grip of death when I tried to drop her off at kindergarten (God Bless that teacher who was willing to peel her off of me every day) and my third child, also a girl, has also been attached at my hip for most of her young life! I even became a ‘Sparks’ leader when I discovered that was the only way I was going to get her to try out Girl Guides!

While I don’t think shyness is always a bad thing, I do think that it’s something that over time most of us can overcome so that it doesn’t prevent us from being the social butterflies that we desire to be. For my own kids, it was about being comfortable in a new environment. It took some of them longer than others but once they knew that they were going to school every day, whether they liked it or not, they managed and even grew to enjoy it.

Please note that there is a condition called school phobia and I once worked with a young girl that had this condition. It may present as severe shyness, however it usually involves physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, nervous twitching and even nausea. The child may refuse to go to school and if forced, may refuse to speak, eat or interact. They may cry the entire time and not engage in activities. The physical symptoms will often disappear on the weekends. If you suspect that your child may have school phobia then it’s important that you see your family doctor and speak with the school about what supports could be put in place. What may help a student with this disorder is gradual entry to school (a shortened day), having a teaching assistant for reassurance and therapy to help them deal with their anxiety.

Personally, I believe that many of us have a tendency to be shy and that it’s okay. In fact quiet people are often preferred over loud flagrant people when it comes to shy children. My daughter opens up much quicker to people that aren’t ‘in her face’ or trying to force her to talk or engage in an activity. Shy children and adults, don’t like being centered out but often they are 'taking in' everything around them and can be quite perceptive when it comes to the world around them.

Below are some tricks that I’ve used to help my own children overcome their shyness:

v Use your child’s strengths and likes to get them involved in activities

v Expose your child to many different situations, take them with you grocery shopping, to the arena, library, church, etc. so that they can get comfortable in the different environments

v Talk to your child’s teacher about their shyness so that they are on board at helping them to ‘come out of their shell’ gradually without directly centering them out

v If a child has to do a presentation in front of the class, don’t allow them to see that you’re worried. Express to them in a nonchalant way that you are confident in their ability to do so and make sure that they practice lots so they are well prepared

v Often shy children are not so shy at home where they are comfortable, so have them engage in acting out skits and role playing social situations like meeting a new person, so they are better prepared when it happens in the real world

v Allow your child to wave, smile, give thumbs up, etc. instead of talking when someone greets them in public so that they are still engaging but don’t have to speak if they don’t want to and so that you aren’t always speaking for them

v Exchange a special item with your child before they go to daycare or school

v Some children like to have a calendar or daily schedule so they know what to expect that day, while other children may worry too much about an upcoming dentist appointment, etc. so gage whether this would help your child or not

v Have a grandparent, spouse, etc. take your child to a doctor’s appointment instead of yourself as they often will do better when not with their primary caregiver

v Try to stick to routines and be at places on time so your child doesn’t become more anxious

v When leaving your child at daycare, school, etc. do it fairly quickly, a kiss and good-bye and then go! Sticking around to comfort a crying child is just prolonging both of your discomfort. You can always call the daycare or school in 20 minutes to see how they are and most of the time they’ll tell you that the tears stopped as soon as you were out of sight!

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

2012-01-12T23:02:00.000-05:00

If we want our children to grow up to be able to problem solve and make good decisions then we need to give them that practice from an early age. And we mustn’t stop once they are teens but give them more opportunities to practice their decision making so that once they are under pressure in the real world they will feel confident in their own ability.

Young children should be given choices such as picking out their clothes, snacks and toys. Once children are older, add to the number of things they can choose between, in addition to giving them the knowledge they need to make the decisions. For example, teach a child about nutrition so they can make healthy snack choices and praise them when they decide to have an apple instead of a pudding. This isn’t to say that we’re going to give our children free reign on what they eat, (lord knows my own son would never choose the apple if I had) but we can let them choose what vegetable they want for dinner or what day they want to have treat night, etc.

Adolescents should be given even more choices. Think of it this way, if it’s not going to affect their health, reputation or safety then you should probably ‘bite your tongue’ and let them live with the consequences of their decision. Things like fashion, music and friends are common things that teens must make decisions about every day. They are also common irritants of parents and I’m sure they will be for many years. My daughter went through a stage that I like to call the ‘hair dye era’ and she had to colour her hair every week and she was never happy with it. I remember running to the drugstore at 9 o’clock one night to get a box of dye when a colour came out bad. My daughter learned a couple of lessons that night. 1. Sometimes your dull natural colour is exactly what you want and 2. My Mom really does have my back. That’s really the whole point isn’t it? That our kids can feel safe knowing that if they do make a bad decision that we’ll still support them.

I did leave out that in between my daughter colouring her hair an awful orange colour and me going to the store, I did let her sweat a little bit while she attempted to style her orange hair until she came up with the idea of colouring it her natural colour. While we may be tempted to swoop in and save our children every time they make a mistake, getting themselves out of a bad decision is part of the process.

It is important that your children see how you make decisions. While you wouldn’t normally talk out loud when decision making, it is a good idea to verbalize in front of your child so that they can hear your process.

“Should I buy this dress? It costs $50 which isn’t bad but what if it goes on sale? I really need it for the wedding this weekend and I don’t want to make another trip back to the mall. Maybe if it goes on sale they will reimburse the difference. I’m going to ask the salesperson and if they will then I’m going to get it.”

When dealing with a larger decision, show your child how to make a pro versus cons list.

Should we move?

Pros	Cons
Larger home	Bigger Mortgage
Nicer neighbourhood	Further from best friends
Larger yard	Kids would have to change schools
	Less cash flow available for vacations

Maybe we should wait until we have a larger down payment.

Involve your children in family decisions. Not adult decisions about marital problems! But family decisions like ‘where should we go on vacation’ and ‘what kind of dog should we get’?

My last suggestion for helping your kids make decisions is through role play. Although it may sound silly, turn it into a fun game and give your children different scenarios where they can practice making difficult decisions in a safe place. Below are just a few ideas of what scenarios you could role play, depending on your child’s age of course and don’t leave your teens out, even if they don’t want to physically act it out, you can play ‘what if’ and allow them to come up with creative solutions to the problems.

Scenarios

- What would you do if you saw someone being bullied?

- What would you do if you were with a friend and they shoplifted?

- What would you do if you were handed a beer at a party?

- What could you do if you failed your science test and you had studied hard for it?

- What could you do to improve your ability to speak in public?

The most important thing to remember is to REMEMBER! Remember to give your child choices, remember to model different decision making processes, and remember to support your child while living with their decisions without being too quick to bail them out.

Help Your Child to Love and Appreciate Their Body

2012-01-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

I had a heart to heart with a friend once who grew up struggling with obesity. She described how her self-esteem was hurt over and over again, even by her own family who had good intentions when they sent her to ‘fat camp’ every summer. Even if she wasn’t being called names directly, (and many times she was) she still felt an underlying insinuation from fellow classmates and even adults that there was something less than perfect about her. Every year she added on a few more pounds until finally turning to gastric bypass surgery as an adult.

My own adolescent years were also fraught with an obsession with weight, but mine was a quest for thinness, as I think it was with most teens growing up in the 80’s. Diets were cool, my friends and I were always on one.

So how do we encourage healthy eating habits, prevent our children from obsessing about the scales or tipping them and avoid the unnecessary emotional suffering that goes along with it?

While I may not have all the answers and realize that some children with extreme weight or eating issues should be seen by a doctor, the following suggestions should help in ensuring your child has a realistic outlook about their body and health.

ü Teach your child about healthy eating, you can a free Canada’s food guide at http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/order-commander/index-eng.php

ü Keep fruit and vegetables accessible for your child to snack on at all times (a child needs to have some control over what and when they eat)

ü Encourage water drinking by having ice available (my kids never drank more water than after we got the fridge with the icemaker!) and fancy straws sometimes help

ü Involve your child in meal planning, writing grocery lists, shopping and cooking

ü Sit down to eat meals as a family as often as you can

ü Prevent mindless eating by keeping your child from eating at the computer or while watching tv

ü Try not to use food as a reward or way of comforting themselves (use social rewards such as hugs, tangible rewards such as a new book or an activity like a trip to the library)

ü Encourage good eating habits and exercise by being a good model yourself

ü If you’re struggling with a weight problem yourself, don’t allow your child to hear you talk negatively about your own body or about your fight to lose weight

ü Talk positively about your own body and your child’s body. Talk about how great you feel, how thankful you are that you can perform certain activities, how strong your child is, how fast they can run, etc.

ü Focus on your child’s good qualities and the good qualities of others more than their looks.

ü Encourage regular physical activity; a daily walk, chores around the home, dancing to music, extracurricular activities or sports, kids yoga, interactive video games

ü Praise your child when they choose healthy snacks, when they say great things about themselves and their bodies, when they exercise, when they say nice things about others

ü As far as junk food goes, I have nothing against it, but try to save it for special occasions or a weekly ‘splurge’ night, so it doesn’t lose its appeal and become a regular ‘snack’

The World of Fostering

2012-01-10T22:22:00.000-05:00

I had a nice chat last night with a young man, now nineteen, who use to live with us when he was in foster care. It warms my heart that he still thinks of us as family and it solidifies to me the importance of foster parents. Although it’s not always a perfect system, there are many great foster parents out there that make a difference in the lives of children each and every day.

When I first became interested in fostering, I thought it would be fairly easy. Just provide children with a safe home, love and understanding and they will thrive was my thinking. And while this is partially true, the children that came to us had way more ‘going on’ then I had anticipated and the requirements of a foster parent go beyond every day routines.

Our first young lad had been diagnosed with ADD and severe psoriasis which was aggravated with stress, so you can imagine that going into foster care caused a significant break out which required medicated creams and special baths every day. We eventually discovered that he was also hearing impaired after thinking for a while that he was just choosing to ignore us!

We also discovered the paperwork side of fostering. Writing notes for plans of care, making appointments, writing incident reports whenever something happens to the child, registering for school, coordinating recreation schedules with access visit schedules (this is when the child goes to see their Biological family), taking forms to medical appointments and attending meetings with the Children’s Aid Society. Once you get the hang of it, it’s not as bad as it sounds, but definitely takes some organizational skills!

Our second foster son (the young man I spoke about above) came to us temporarily, three months, we all thought, but that day came and went, and five years later he had become part of our family even though he was moved to an adolescent home. His time with us wasn’t always smooth sailing, it had its ups and downs but overall it wasn’t much different than raising our children once we had the hang of the paperwork and procedures.

We stopped fostering after six years when I went back to work full time and now, four and a half years later, I find myself working for a foster agency where I have the utmost respect for our foster parents and compassion for the children. So much so that my husband and I have decided to delve back into the world of fostering and become relief foster parents doing weekend respite care.

Questions I often get asked about being a Foster Parent:

Don’t you find it hard to give up the children when they go home?

Yes, at times, it is difficult, especially when a child has been with you for a really long time. The CAS takes Foster Parents into consideration though and often a plan for visitation can be arranged after the child moves.

Do foster parents get paid?

In Ontario Foster parents are provided with a ‘per diem’ this is a daily rate that is tax free and varies depending on whether you foster for the CAS or for a treatment foster agency. The per diem is meant to reimburse Foster Parents for the cost of food, shelter and transportation. The agency usually provides foster children with an allowance, money for clothing and recreation as well.

Can my foster children come to church with me?

While a child has the right to religion and the right to decline attending church, most of the time children, especially young ones, enjoy attending Sunday school and other church programs. You can express your concerns to the agency you foster with and they will do their best to find a good match with your family when placing a child. A child that doesn’t want to attend church can always stay with someone else while the family attends.

What can I expect when a child first moves into our home? And how can I help them to settle?

Children react differently to coming into care depending on their experience and personality. While some children may find the separation from their biological family very traumatic, others may be relieved to be removed from an unhealthy situation. Either way, the child is going to need your support and reassurance that they are in a safe place and are going to be okay. Provide the child with a tour of the home, introduce your family, and show them their room. Help them to unpack their things and give them space in the washroom for their toothbrush. It’s always good to have a night light in their room (even older children appreciate this even if they don’t say so), lots of cozy blankets and a teddy bear that they can call their own. Last but not least, let them know that they can wake you up in the middle of the night if they are scared and tell them what they can expect for their morning routine.

What are the requirements to be a Foster Parent?

In Ontario, you must have a clear police record, no prior involvement with CAS, and be able to provide suitable housing for a child. A child requires their own bed and cannot share a room with an adult or someone of the opposite sex unless they are under the age of six. The bedroom itself must have a window and be of adequate size. A person must also be able to provide letters of reference and a medical clearance from a family physician. In addition to the above, the ideal candidate will have prior experience and/or education relating to childhood development and behaviour management, in addition to a love for children.

Learning Styles

2012-01-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

There has been a real emphasis on learning styles not only for children but adults as well. If you Google ‘learning styles’ you will find some quizzes to determine your own style and also ones for kids. The importance of knowing what your child’s learning style is that you will be able to help them learn quicker and easier at home and be able to advocate for them at school. We utilize all of the styles in some way but usually we will prefer one or two for the bulk of our learning.

There are several different learning styles but for children, the main ones are:

· Visual - learning by seeing

· Visual/Reader - learning by reading and/or writing

· Auditory - learning by hearing and talking

· Kinesthetic - learning by doing

Children when they are very young, learning by touching and exploring, this is ‘kinesthetic’ learning. I myself find that by doing things I will remember them better. For example, when I am a passenger in a car, I am less likely to remember how to get somewhere than if I drive there myself. Children who learn by doing, should be provided with ‘hands on activities’ such as science experiments, blocks to manipulate and count when learning math and given projects over essays when they have a choice.

Auditory learners do better when they can talk about the topic they are learning about. Discussions, books on tape, oral presentations and teaching others can assist in their ability to learn.

Visual learners do best with diagrams, pictures, and watching movies. While visual readers do best with taking notes, making lists and reading articles.

While my oldest child learns best by actually ‘doing’ my youngest prefers to write things down like myself and then there’s my middle child who is musically inclined and learns best through auditory processes. I have used this knowledge to help my children when studying for tests. My kinesthetic learner will draw pictures when studying, my visual/reader learner writes out answers and my auditory learner gets me to quiz her.

While a good teacher will try to make sure they use all of these styles when teaching a topic, it’s still important that parents let their child’s teacher know what style helps them to be most successful.

The Bedwetting Blues

2012-01-08T10:06:00.000-05:00

Bedwetting is something that I’ve seen children (and parents) struggle with and something that I’ve learned is a way more common problem than we may think for children, and even teens.

If your child is toilet trained during the day but struggling to stay dry at night, then you will want to rule out a possible bladder infection or any other health problems. Your family physician will likely test a urine sample for bacteria and provide antibiotics if it tests positive. They may also test for glucose to rule out diabetes. If those are negative they may perform an ultrasound on the bladder to rule out any abnormalities, especially if your child is older. At times enuresis (bedwetting) can be an emotional response to changes in the child’s life or past trauma. If you suspect this to be the case, don’t hesitate to find therapy for your child.

Bedwetting can run in the family. If you or your spouse had difficulty staying dry at night then your child just may need time as well to grow out of the problem. In the meantime, don’t ever punish your child for wetting their bed but support them and try the following strategies.

You can use Pull Ups to avoid having to change sheets every night and interrupt your child’s sleep but please note that children can become dependent on them so every now and then try your child without them to see if they can make it through the night

Make sure your child isn’t drinking a lot before bed, but don’t deny them a few sips of water

Have them use the washroom before bed and then get them up to use the washroom again before you go to bed for the night

If your child is going for a sleepover or camp, then speak with an adult about your child’s problem so that they can help them put on a pull up or remind them to use the washroom to avoid being embarrassed

A reward chart can be used to encourage your child. Reward them for following the strategies, not for staying dry, as that is out of their control

Finally, stay calm and try not to let your child’s bedwetting impair their self-esteem by letting them know that they are normal and not alone in their struggle to stay dry.

Road Trip

2012-01-07T12:27:00.000-05:00

Having a family a couple hours away, my children have gotten used to being in a car for fairly long periods of time since they were babies. We’ve even been so brave as to travel places 20 hours away like Nova Scotia and Florida by car (well, minivan with dvd player!). This is not to say that our trips have always been smooth sailing, ever tried to breastfeed an infant while they’re strapped in a car seat? Not an easy task, we ended up pulling over. But all in all, we’ve had some fun times while in the car and saved ourselves a pretty penny on airfare!

Tips for travelling long distances with children:

§ Bring pillows and blankets and test them out prior to make sure your child is comfortable enough to have a good sleep

§ Try to maintain your child’s routine i.e. mealtimes, play times, nap times, etc.

§ Have a time for sing-a-longs, quiet time, story times, etc. (some of my children’s favourite memories are when I told them scary stories about the corn fields we passed)

§ Use cups with lids to avoid spills

§ Pack snacks that aren’t too messy like rice Krispy squares, apple slices, raisins, tiny sandwiches (without the crust so you don’t have to throw it away), cheese strings, kielbasa, sliced hardboiled egg whites and trail mix (my favourite)

§ A cooler (the ones that plug into your cigarette lighter are great) to pack sandwiches, formula, etc.

§ Try to coordinate drive times with your child’s nap or bedtime

§ Purchase items from the dollar store and wrap them and let your child unwrap one every hour, or every town, etc.

§ My favourite toy items are magnet boards and games, colouring or doodling books, iPods or Nintendo ds, etch a sketch, embroidery thread bracelet making kits, small stuffed animals

§ Give older children a list of the towns that you’ll be driving through so they can cross them off as you go through

§ Allow the kids to get out of the car at every stop to stretch their legs

§ Give children a map so they can follow along the route and mark pit stops on it

§ Take lots of pictures and remember that the trip to where you are going is part of the adventure!

Raise a Resilient Child

2012-01-06T06:00:00.001-05:00

Today I had a great conversation about relationships with a bunch of people. We talked about how our own childhood shaped who we are as people today whether we care to admit it or not. When asked by someone if I had ever had the experience where I realized that I was turning into my own parent, I said that I certainly did. I clearly remember sweeping the floor and yelling to my child to “get out of my dirt pile” and then I gasped and said “I’ve turned into my Mother!” because that’s something that I remember her always saying. Not that my Mom isn’t great, but I don’t think any of us want to become our parents. Why is that? And is there a way that we can avoid having our own children fear that they will become us? Sure my seven year old may aspire to be me, but will I be able to say that ten years from now? Probably not, hee hee.

A few of us had grown up in households that weren’t always functional; divorce, emotional abuse, addiction and strict parenting, were some of the issues we identified among us. But the thing is…we turned out just fine, which makes me think that as parents we need to cut ourselves some slack and know that we don’t have to be perfect in order to raise happy confident children.

Something that I attribute to those who can bounce back from adversity is resiliency. I’ve been reading more on this subject lately and some ways that we can develop this trait in children.

v Children need to feel that they are smart. You may be thinking, that’s easy, I tell my child they are smart all the time, but do they feel successful? For a child struggling at school or watching their brothers and sisters bring home A’s when they struggle to get B’s, they might not being feeling as smart as we hope. The key is to find your child’s strengths and learning style. (Future blog on learning styles to come!) It is important to share this information with your child’s teacher but also to find activities outside of school that your child can feel good about too.

v Children should be able to identify that they belong to something larger than themselves. This can be through teaching them about the importance of family, community and/ or spirituality. By having a connection to something larger than themselves, they develop empathy and a desire to help others which keeps them to keep their own troubles in perspective.

v A child needs to feel supported, cared about and respected. By ensuring that our children have meaningful relationships with a variety of people, they are much more likely to feel important and loved. Encourage your child to spend time with extended family and friends in order to develop close relationships with people other than just their parents. If something ever happens to you, you want to know that your child feels safe with someone else.

Remember, even if our own children can check off the list above, there are many kids out there that can’t. Reach out to a child that needs a little extra attention. A kind or encouraging word can make all the difference in a child’s day and could be remembered for a lifetime.

Honestly!

2012-01-05T06:00:00.002-05:00

On the weekend I watched the movie ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’ with my family and the Mother was writing a newspaper article about honesty. It was quite funny because she demanded her son to be honest so he decided to get back at her by refusing to lie about anything; when his Mom didn’t want to speak to someone on the phone he told them she was there so she had to. The Mom soon realized that demanding honesty wasn’t working. So how do we teach our children to be honest?

While guilt tended to work for my own Mom, I prefer to try and outsmart my kids. One day my daughter came home with something from school that wasn’t hers. She said that her friend gave it to her so I said “That was so nice of her! I’m going to call her now and thank her!” and as I pretended to dial the phone she quickly told me that maybe her friend didn’t know she had it after all. Ooops maybe this was a story about stealing! The point is, sometimes we need to be one step ahead of our children in order to teach them the consequences of their actions.

Personally, I think that some kids just tend to be storytellers, more than others and some children may go through a phase where they like to ‘elaborate’ (to put it nicely). (Truthfully, I know a few adults that like to tell ‘fisherman tales’ too.) This may have to do with their personality or birth order but I believe it all boils down to attention seeking, which my middle child has always been good at.

The important thing to remember about attention seeking behaviours like lying is to ignore it as much as possible. As hard as it may be, if we give attention to the lie, then we are reinforcing the behaviour and the child is likely to lie again. Even receiving negative attention may be preferred to the child so reacting at all (even an eye roll) should be avoided, unless of course the lie is harmful to someone, then it must be addressed swiftly and firmly.

Provide your child with lots of attention when they are behaving. By giving them your undivided attention for a set period of time every day, you may be able to quell their need to seek out your attention in negative ways. If you overhear your child telling stories to their friend, then perhaps your child needs some more activities or outings that will provide them with more subjects of conversation. And last but not least, we need to teach our children about social graces such as ‘little white lies’ and make sure that the people around them (friends and family) are modeling the honest behaviour we want them to pick up on.

Parenting with Style

2012-01-04T06:00:00.000-05:00

When taking a class about family dynamics I learned that there tends to be three main parenting styles, Laissez-Faire, Authoritative and Authoritarian which I see as being on a sliding scale where we all tend to fall at some point during our parenting journey.

Laissez-Faire <-> Authoritative <-> Authoritarian

Laissez-Faire is a French word that, loosely translated, means ‘to let be’. Parenting with this style is easy going, less structured and spontaneous. Children are sometimes treated as mini adults and given free reign when it comes to making decisions. Parents that tend to be on the strict side would be considered Authoritarian. These parents are more likely to have lots of structure, stick to routines, demand respect and have a strict hierarchy within the family. In between these two styles is the Authoritative parent. This is the style that most of probably identify with and it’s a balance between the other two. Authoritative parents are consistent with discipline and routines yet they leave room for discussion and spontaneity. Wherever we may fall on this parenting spectrum, we all have unique personalities, family dynamics and past experiences that have made us this way, yet we all tend to want the same thing and that’s to raise children that are happy, healthy and successful.

I think the connotation of “successful” is where some of us get tripped up. What we view as being successful may not be what our husband, parents or our own child sees as successful. I’m finding it very difficult having children in high school that are being pushed to select courses towards their career path. While part of me wants to push them to try harder and be the most they can be, the other half of me wants them to make their own decisions, set realistic goals so they can be successful and experience a well-rounded social life that is so important at that age. To struggle at parenting is normal, I’ve always said that it’s much easier to criticize the parenting of others than our own because we can look at their situation more logically than our own. Our emotions and ego often take over when it comes to our own children that have a direct line to our heart strings.

Parents that sway on the liberal side of parenting may make the mistake of giving in and wanting to be their child’s friend, especially during the teen years. I think that it is okay for this to be your goal when they are adults but right now, they need someone to keep them on the straight and narrow. Sometimes a child needs an adult to be the ‘bad’ guy so that they don’t have to say no to their friends when they’re invited to a party they’re uncomfortable going to. They also need to go through a stage of development where they discover who they are apart from their parents. The parent that is dressing like them, listening to teen music and hanging out with them is taking away from this ‘rite of passage’ so to speak.

Parents with high expectations and who push their children to excel, whether at school, in sports or other activities, run the risk of their child experiencing burn out and sometimes an inability to deal with failure. While it’s okay and even important to have high expectations for our children (we should be their biggest fans), we must ensure that our children are fulfilling their own needs and not our needs. By providing a variety of opportunities for our children and allowing them to fail in one or two of them before finding their niche we are teaching them to be resilient in addition to taming their ego.

Parenting is a journey, not a science, and sometimes different styles work better depending on the child and the situation, so we need to experiment. If our style is working well, meaning we are comfortable with it, it works with our partner and our children respond to it, albeit begrudgingly at times, then we’ve probably found the parenting style that works best for us.

Everyone is an Expert

2012-01-03T08:40:00.002-05:00

Single parent families, blended families, foster families, the list goes on...

With so many unique family situations, children are having to readjust to new environments and situations more and more. Whether it is moving into Grandma and Grandpa’s house, going between Mom and Dad’s home or moving in with a foster or step family, we have children dealing with much more complexities while trying to navigate their way through childhood than ever before.

Those who have studied psychology at some point in their life, probably learnt about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and how humans must satisfy certain needs of physiological, safety, love and belonging before working on things like esteem and then self-actualization. If you’re not familiar with this triangle, Google it or go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs for a quick overview. For children who are living in chaotic environments and have suffered abuse, we must make sure that all their prior needs are met. Are they provided for? And do they feel safe? Are questions we must ask ourselves before asking if they feel loved by their family and friends and feel confident in whom they are? Once a child has their basic needs met we must go about making a youngster see themselves as valuable and important both to us and to others. When a child has a real sense of belonging within their family, it allows them to develop confidence and be respectful of others.

There are many things that families do to establish that connection with one another and for the most part this comes from simply spending time together and knowing one another very well. If a family has a new member or change to their dynamics whether it be a new baby, divorce or added member like an Uncle moving in, we must be cognizant that these changes affect children, sometimes for the better, but not always. Things that parents can do to increase family cohesiveness is to have meals together, have movie or board game night, have a TV free night, go on a walk together or other outing on a weekly basis and do household chores together.

Another way of making a child feel connected and an important member of their family is by making them an ‘expert’. A boy that lived with us when we were fostering, loved watching the weather network and always had his ‘eye to the sky’. We embraced this interest of his by making him our ‘weather expert’. We’d ask him what we should wear that day or if we were going to need an umbrella and when it stormed, he narrated it for us. Another young man that I know through work has become our ‘bicycle expert’. He isn’t employed and has had a rough upbringing but he loves BMX biking and knows everything about bikes. When I was looking to purchase a bike for my son, he gave me tips and this past spring he held a bike tune up day at our office.

While we don’t want to ‘pigeon hole’ our children or label them, it is important to nurture their natural talents and help them to develop skills. By allowing our children to try many different activities from baking and sewing to horseback riding and cycling, we are allowing them to find things they are passionate about and are happy to share with others. This will go a long way in helping them discover not only their place in their family but their place in their world.

Raising A Reader

2012-01-02T10:00:00.000-05:00

I was asked not long ago by a colleague what I did to help my kids learn to read. Having raised a child with Dyslexia (a disorder which makes learning to read difficult) this is a bit of a loaded question but without getting into too much detail, here is some of what I shared with her.

When children are babies and toddlers I think that we all do pretty much the same instinctual things like talking baby talk, singing the ABC song and reading them stories. Once they turn three is generally when I like to start pushing them to recognize their alphabet and learn phonetics (the sounds that the letters make). Rather than drill your child with flashcards, which often isn’t much fun for either of you, turn the learning into a game. You can use flash cards to do a memory game, play bingo with them, use playdough to make the letters, draw the letters in sand or even rice! There are so many new toys, etc. for teaching the alphabet but one of my favourites is ABC magnets and a magnet board. I kept track of my child’s progress with a chart, you can turn this into a reward chart (see my blog on 'Give me some Motivation') and once your child has learned to identify each letter and what sound it makes then you can reward them and go onto the next letter.

A great way to teach your child without them becoming frustrated, especially if they are very young or are struggling with a learning disability is through the use of errorless learning. This is when you give your child the answer and they repeat it. For example, with 3 letters in front of them, AB&C you would point to the letter A and say “show me the A” and then they’d point to it. Once they can identify all the letters of the alphabet without you pointing to it (you’ll point to it slower to give them a chance to point to it before you) then you can go onto the letter sounds. With one letter at a time you’ll say “Aaa, what does the letter A sound like?” And have them repeat the sound until they know it on their own. After that, with AB&C (or whatever letters) in front of them, you’ll say “A sounds like Ahh, show me the one that sounds like Ahh” and after that step you can stop telling them the answer and just point to it or put it in the middle until they are able to do it all on their own. This process may take your child a week or two, or it may take them a month or two. Don’t push them too hard, too fast, as you don’t want to frustrate them and you want them to retain what they’ve learned make it fun and reward them!

Once you’re child knows their alphabet and sounds you can begin with some easy phonics books and computer games. I personally like www.starfall.com and www.raz-kids.com and www.tumblebooks.com which you can access for free through the Halifax Library at http://www.tumblebooks.com/library/asp/home_tumblebooks.asp

It’s important at this stage to read a lot to them and have them follow along. If your child is struggling with reading, don’t stop reading to them because you think they’re too old, keep reading to them. I found that my son was unable to read the chapter books his friends were reading but he still wanted to be able to talk about what was happening with Harry Potter, etc. so I read these books to him every night. Find books that interest your child (I bought comics for my son and found websites that interested him). Take them to the library to check out different books every week.

Please note that if your child does have a reading or other disability, then pushing them to learn phonics may not make sense for them. Phonetics doesn’t come naturally to some people, like my son; he had to teach himself to read whole words which is basically memorization, which must be extremely frustrating for a child. Some things we did to help him learn to read fluently was to skip over words that didn’t make sense and then come back to them and see if he could fill it in after. For example if he didn’t know the word ‘bounce’ in the following sentence, he’d skip it and continue reading and by the end of the sentence he would probably know what it was through process of elimination. “Can you bounce the ball to the net?” We also utilized reading software and games on the computer which read to him and got him a tutor. Having a tutor helped to decrease our frustration with his lack of progress and he really enjoyed getting the special attention. Something else that really helped my son’s reading and spelling and may surprise you is online chatting and texting! Although kids use some acronyms, for the most part, they type out full words and my son was forced to learn to spell, at least well enough that his friends can understand him!

Give Me Some Motivation

2012-01-01T09:04:00.000-05:00

How many of us would get up and go to work every day if we weren’t getting paid? I hear some laughing out there! Children are no different than we are, while we may be motivated by money, recognition and a multitude of other things that we like, children too like to feel that they’ve done a good job, feel important and get to have and do things that they like.

Before teaching a child new skills or attempting to change their behaviours, we should do an inventory of what motivates them. Most parents can list off a couple of things that their child really likes but if you can make a detailed list of what they enjoy then you’ve got more ammunition in your back pocket.

Once we have a list of these reinforcing items or activities we can use them to increase desired actions or skills through a reward system. While it may be appropriate to give a toddler a goldfish cracker every time you catch them playing nicely with others, for older children you don’t want to be handing over a brand new video game every day so that it where a reward chart can come in handy. If you Google ‘reward chart’ you will find many that you can print out and use or you can make your own with a piece of paper or a white board which allows you to reuse it over and over.

The idea of a reward chart is that a child receives stickers or check marks for achieving a desired behaviour. Many parents use this for toilet training but really it can be used for many things from doing homework and chores to learning how to swim. Below are examples of different ways to use a reward chart. Remember not to put everything on a child’s reward chart. It’s not always an easy task to teach our children that as part of a family certain things should be done just to help out, but the earlier they learn this, the better. If Saturday is cleaning day, then have the child help out and give them a big Thank You but that’s it. Let them see how happy you are that the house is clean and what that means…i.e. that there’s room to play on the floor, that now you can have company over or that Mom and Dad now has free time to spend with them.

It’s always good to write down what the child is working for or even put a picture of what it is on the reward board. I’ve included some examples of creative and inexpensive rewards below if you’re having trouble of thinking of more than the obvious video games, candy and money.

A few things to remember about rewarding are that you should have a number of different items or activities to offer so that your child doesn’t get tired of the same thing. Also, the list of rewards should be things that your child doesn’t have free access to. This means that a goldfish cracker isn’t rewarding if the child can go to the pantry and help themselves to them or if they eat them for a snack every day. A trip to Grandma’s may not be rewarding either if she is going to show up the day before and take them out on the town. I knew of a parent whose son loved ‘moon sand’ so she kept a bin of it with toys up high in her kitchen and he only got it when she was teaching him a new skill like toilet training. She had that child toilet trained in 2 days flat and he was diagnosed with autism!

The final thing to remember about rewards is that nothing should be more powerful than social praise. Remember that whenever your child gets a tangible reward, they should also get a social reward (high five, hug, pat on the back, “great job!” excitement). The last thing we want to do is raise a child that expects to receive something every time he/she does a good job but at the same time we also want to use their motivation to our advantage J

Rewards

- Day at the beach

- Picnic at the park

- Trip to the library

- Splash pad or public swimming pool

- Petting zoo

- Play date/ sleepover

- Board game or movie night

- Special outing by themselves with Mom or Dad (this can be quite appealing to those with siblings!)

- Part of a collection (train set, cards, etc.)

- Eating out/ making homemade pizzas/ favourite meal

- Having a spa day at home (doing nails, hair, etc.)

- Planting a flower or vegetable garden

Daily Routine Chart

ACTIVITY	M	T	W	Th	F	S	S	25 stickers =REWARD
Brushed teeth independently
Brought home agenda from school
Helped empty the dishwasher
Did 15 minutes of homework
Was in bed at 8 pm
Total points

Homework Chart

For Every 5 Minutes of Homework Completed 5 Minutes of Staying up is earned

5	10	15	20	25	30

Learning to Swim

Played in the water	Put face in the water	Learned to Blow Bubbles	Floated on belly with help	Floated on belly by self	Kicked feet with a flutter board	Front crawl with flotation device	Front crawl without a flotation device	REWARD for learning to swim!
								A Day at Canada’s Wonderland!

Stay Positive!

2011-12-31T07:51:00.000-05:00

While I do believe that a positive attitude will get you everywhere, some days it takes more than a positive attitude to get you through a day of parenting!

Positive reinforcement is the rewarding of behaviours that you want to see more of rather than punishing behaviours that you want to see less of. It can take some time to wrap your mind around the concept and learning to look for your child’s good behaviours rather than their blatant bad ones but once you give it a chance, I’m sure you’ll notice the difference in both you and your child (ren).

As parents we are often quick to criticize “your room is messy, turn down the TV, why isn’t your homework done, pick up your toys, and eat your veggies “when we should be noticing when they do what we want (even if it’s only partially what we want) “I like how your room looks you can have a sticker for your chart, thanks for keeping quiet while I was on the phone do you want to play a game now?, that’s great that your homework is done, let’s go out! Good job picking up your toys, you can play with the finger paints now, wow you ate some broccoli, you can have some ice cream for dessert.”

The difference will be that your child feels successful and supported by his/her parents rather than picked on.

If you are struggling with a difficult behaviour then determine what the opposite or desirable behaviour is that you want to reward. For example if your child is kicking other children at the park, then the desired behaviour is keeping his/her feet to herself, so you’re going to say “I love how you kept your feet to yourself when you were at the playground”. You also want to set your child up for success. This means, taking them to the park for a short amount of time or when there aren’t many children there so that you can reward them before they mess up.

I’m sometimes asked by parents what to do when their child is misbehaving and the short answer is to ignore it, however if it is a behaviour that is harming to themselves, property or others, then it must be addressed. Time outs, grounding and an old fashioned talking to still works just fine for misbehaving, but the focus should be on rewarding the child when they’re being good.

Positive reinforcement isn’t limited to young children it works with teens and even spouses! The key with older ‘children’ is to sound sincere. With my teens I like to let them know how their good behaviour is helpful to me. When my older daughter recently gave something of hers to her little sister without hesitation I let her know how good it made me feel to see them get along. When my son carries groceries in for me, I thank him for saving my back (and let him know that I bought his favourite chips).

Hopefully I have convinced you that rewarding positive behaviour is worth the effort because you will notice my use of it in articles to come where I will give more detailed examples of its use. Think positive!

REINFORCEMENT, the Best Parenting Tool Ever!

2011-12-30T12:13:00.003-05:00

Before we can teach a child new skills or change their behaviours, we need to know what motivates them. How many of us would get up and go to work every day if we weren’t motivated by the paycheck? While you and I may be motivated by things like money and social recognition, children and youth are not much different, most love social praise, toys and fun activities. My own children are motivated by very different things, while my son would be happy with a trip to McDonald’s, my eldest daughter would be happy with mascara and my youngest with a trip to the library or dollar store to buy craft stuff. Make a list of things that your child loves.

Once we have a list of these ‘reinforcing’ items we can use them to shape behaviour. While giving a new toy to a toddler who used the potty for the first time may be appropriate, generally we don’t want to be handing out new toys every day and this is when a ‘reward’ chart comes in handy. If you don’t know what I mean by reward chart, then just Google it and you’ll find some that you can print out and use. Basically when your child is doing something you want, you give them a sticker or check mark (stay tuned for my blog on how to use reinforcement called Stay Positive). For younger or developmentally delayed children you want to give them enough that they will earn something within a short period of time like a morning or a day. For older children you can spread it out over a week (if the child can deal with delayed gratification).

In case you are struggling with ideas of what motivates your child, especially inexpensive ones, here is a list:

- Public library

- video game time

- family game night

- movie night

- trip to the mall or dollar store

- bike ride

- baking or cooking time/ favourite meal

- play dough, moon sand, water play or rice bin

- finger painting

- playground, splash pad, picnic lunch

- Part of a collection (train set, stickers, etc.)

- Visit to grandparents

- play date with a friend

Some things to keep in mind:

Have a number of reinforcing items or things to offer so that your child doesn’t get tired of the same reward. Limit the availability and visibility of the reinforcing item by keeping them hidden and under your control. This means that if your child is working on getting stickers on their reward chart so they can play with play dough, then you don’t want them going to Grandma’s and playing play dough all day long or its going to diminish its reinforcing value. Make sure to reinforce your child directly after they have done what you want. This means giving them a check mark, sticker or reward as soon as they use their manners (if that’s what you are working on). I once had a parent who kept a bin of moon sand that her son loved up high in a kitchen cupboard and whenever he remembered to clean up his toys without being asked, she immediately got it out for him to play with and he soon learned to be a tidy boy.

And last but not least, give your child lots of praise at the same time that you reward them so that eventually they learn to be motivated by social means and the tangible rewards can be diminished or taken away.

Welcome!

2011-12-29T15:53:00.001-05:00

Welcome to my parenting blog! Through the writing of this blog, I hope to share some behavioural techniques and creative ideas that have helped me in my own parenting and with the parenting of children in my life through work, friends and family.

Parenting, like life, is a journey with its ups and downs but I believe that once a parent understands how to utilize a few behaviour management techniques, it can be easy and even enjoyable. Every parent has their own style, personality and foibles that make them interesting, fun and unique. I'm not here to change that, but instead to encourage you to use your strengths to your advantage and to give you some creative ideas that may help to solve issues that you may have run into.

Everyone must wade through advice they get from friends, relatives, books, etc. until they find something that they are comfortable with and I am no different. As a young parent when I wanted to get my daughter to sleep in her own crib after sharing a bed with my husband and I, I decided to try the controversial Ferber method of letting her cry it out but it didn't work, it only stressed us all out. I ended up transitioning her slowly into a toddler bed by spending a week sleeping in her room and replacing myself with a stuffed animal. Why I even bothered setting up a crib for that child is beyond me but I guess we do what everyone else does without even questioning why sometimes. (I have learned to ask myself 'why' much more often)

My main focus as a parent and counselor is for children to grow up to feel confident in who they are (self esteem), be able to bounce back from adversity (resiliency) and be able to maintain meaningful relationships with other people (love).

Happy Reading!