Jones says he walked her to the bus stop with the intention of talking with the bus driver about the bullying situation – but went overboard. “I’d like to still apologize. I regret for all the kids that wasn’t involved, that had nothing to do with this.”

Do you wonder what you can do to effectively help prevent and address bullying behaviors? Do you want your kids to know what they can do about bullying?

Please tune in (and tell your friends!) for a two-part show on the revolutionary bullying-prevention program Power Up! being facilitated nationally by Girl Scouts of Colorado. Dru Van Doren is an experienced trainer for this effective program and talks with us on October 6, 2010. She helps parents recognize & understand what bullying is, how it differs for girls and boys, who is a likely bully and/or target, and why and when it happens. She’ll tell us how to be an appropriate advocate for our children (and others of all ages!). This show will deal with the most common questions and concerns parents have.

Then, in part two on October 13th, Dru returns for special parent/child version of the show that you can listen to with your children. She reviews what bullying is (and how to recognize it) in terms that are understandable and appropriate for children, and then share with all of us how we can deal with bullying in the safest & most effective ways. We can make the world a safer place for everyone–because “doing nothing” is not an option!

As always, you are welcome to listen live and join us in the chatroom at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting and we will try to pass your questions and comments on to our speaker, or you can call in with live questions at the number given on that website. If you miss the show it will be recorded to download at the website above, or available via iTunes at http://bit.ly/pfhitunes .

We hope you can join us for this important topic with this dynamic speaker!

To keep the family meeting running smoothly, there are a few jobs. Someone to record what happens so you can review it later and know which items need to be revisited during future meetings is helpful. For the running of the meeting, we’ve landed on the job title, “listener,” rather than chairperson or leader. The Listener is in charge of the agenda- reads off the items and requests more information, then summarizes the issue.

The Listener doesn’t need to worry about logistics or whether or not an issue is valid- simply reflecting back what is being said until everyone is clear on the agenda item.

We’ll be talking about Listeners as well as agenda items, common obstacles to successful family meetings and getting ideas on keeping the family meeting momentum going during our show this week. Join us with your questions and family meeting stories!

(A special thanks to Amy’s family who graciously allowed me to intrude with the video camera during our family meeting this week)

We wanted to share some of the more specific ideas here so you can take them and make them your own. Most of these are adapted from Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. We also talked about the book, Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and shared some information from the siblings chapter of NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

Describing what we see can both help increase empathy and facilitate friendship:

“Did you see her shoulders sag when you said she couldn’t have a turn?”
“Did you see his face light up when you threw him the ball?”

You can also use describing to provide empathy to your child during difficult moments:

“That made you angry.”
“You have mixed feelings about your brother- on the one hand you love him, and on the other he makes you crazy.”
“You look furious. Instead of hitting your brother, tell him what you need.”

Providing empathy and validation to the negative feelings is the first step in conflict resolution. When you skip this step you risk sending a message that what the child feels is wrong or bad. Frequently once you’ve provided this validation, there’s a release and the child feels free to reconnect with his sibling or friend.

Express confidence in the kids’ ability to work it out while remaining close enough to intervene if necessary:

“Wow. You guys have a pickle to work out here. I know you can do it. Let me know if you need help.”
“I’m sure you can imagine how it feels to be the only one not playing.”
“I hear two people who want to play with the truck. I know you’ll come up with a fair way to share it.”

Shine a light on it. When you see something unfair happening and you feel a need to assist, try making sure everyone knows what’s happening, while still communicating faith in their competence and kindness.

“Oh boys, I’m certain the girls are too smart to fall for that spy trick.”
“I’m certain your younger sister is far too savvy to sell you her lego kit for ten cents.”

The bottom line though, is that it’s the fun your children have together that leads them to be closer adults, not the lack of fighting. While conflict resolution teaches problem-solving, these skills are much harder to implement with siblings. Spending time facilitating your kids friendship- setting up fun activities, playfully challenging them to join forces against you in some sort of game or just hanging out together will net more long-term results than focusing your efforts on managing conflict.

There’s more on the show. Take a listen if you haven’t already.

Adding family meetings to your routine can help in resolving sibling conflicts, moderating chores, planing vacations and improving communication. It provides an opportunity to teach your kids problem-solving skills and increase the connection between family members. Unfortunately, family meetings frequently fall by the wayside as soon as things get hectic, ultimately leading to even more chaos as you struggle to communicate on the run. Why not take an hour to connect and plan with your family before the crazy begins?

We’re going to start small. Your first challenge is to find a time and schedule your family meeting. You don’t have to actually do the meeting, or even prepare for it- just set the date.

There’s a great article on family meetings to get you started over at Mothering. Another example of a family meeting format is over at Zenhabits.

Ours is September 19th. When is yours?

Stay tuned for our next Family Meeting Challenge- coming soon! In the meantime, this Wednesday we’ll be chatting about helping your kids increase harmony in their social lives- with siblings, friends, teammates- maybe even frenemies.

The person whom I routinely let down, though, is me. I can forgive a friend’s lapse in judgment with barely a second thought, but my own? Huh uh. I’m likely to pull it out every evening and use it to beat myself on the head. It’s funny because I keep trying to write that when it comes to my own mistakes I lose all sense of proportion, except there’s enough of my brain that thinks my response is proportional and rational that I can’t.

This afternoon I stopped to wonder how I would respond if I knew a friend were struggling. How would I be a friend? How do I react to imperfection? I make room for it, maybe try to cushion it, absorb some of the blows with a listening ear. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect. I expect them to be thoughtful, to struggle, to have triumphs and setbacks. Even more- I sincerely want to be there for both the good times and the challenges. I want to be present, helpful, maybe just quietly sharing the load a bit.

I went outside to my flower garden and started clipping.

I took my time, touched each stem. I considered how the colors would go together, how they support each other, draw out each others colors.

In the end, I mixed baby ironweed in with mature zinnias, and offered myself a bit of friendship.
It’s a token really, a symbol of hope that I can offer myself the same support and comfort I would offer a friend- that through strong connections with each other we can all draw the strength and resilience we need to extend kindness and forgiveness both inward and outward.

This week we’re talking about the little gifts we can offer ourselves, whether singing a song, cutting some flowers or taking a quiet walk. How are you a good friend to yourself?

Painting makes you notice. Suddenly you stop seeing just the big picture and you see the details of what you are trying to capture. Recently I’ve found the same is true of writing. It’s impossible to try to capture what you aren’t paying attention to. Perhaps that is why I’m so entranced by clouds this summer. Perhaps I’m finally paying attention – to life, to where I am, and not just to where I’m putting my feet. (Yeah, we’ll see how long it will last ).

The clouds are never the same. I’m sitting outside on my deck, and there are new clouds compared to ten minutes ago when I sat down. They were light and fluffy, but the big gray one with little color differentiation has moved around from my peripheral vision into the front. I like change, in general.

Of course, what I like is movement, preferably aesthetic, not upheaval. (I’m eying that dark cloud suspiciously, and wouldn’t be very happy it if started raining on me). Sometimes when the proverbial big gray cloud comes around, and there really isn’t any detail to see, it’s hard to keep paying attention. I get that.

But looking down isn’t going to change what cloud is above you. One of my favorite therapists used to say, when you don’t know what else to do, just look up. Physically, look up. There is something about looking above the horizon that helps our outlook, both literally and metaphorically.

So whatever you would like to do, but aren’t actually doing, try paying attention and see what happens. Pay attention to the clouds for a while. Sit with a cup of coffee and see if you can just be with them for a while. (I lasted 5 minutes. I’ll try for 6 tomorrow).

And then, try paying attention elsewhere and see what changes.

Our August 31st radio show discusses paying attention – please join us!

Lisa

Today’s show- a frank discussion of talking about sex with your kids can be found at blogtalkradio, or you can find it on itunes by searching for our names.

Some of the books mentioned are It’s Perfectly Normal, It’s not the Stork, and It’s So Amazing. The author of all those books is Robie Harris.

The UU site has more information on the OWL program.

Some sites for teens:

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu
www.scarleteen.com
www.plannedparenthood.com/teen-talk/index.htm

More information about abstinence only programs failing our kids is found all over the web, but here’s a sampling:

http://www.openeducation.net/2009/01/05/abstinence-only-sex-education-statistics-final-nail-in-the-coffin/

Feel free to add your own resources in the comments section!

Thanks!

Many of our listeners are familiar with the work of Alfie Kohn.  (And if you aren’t, now is the time!)   Kohn’s books look at the research behind the “default” thinking about how we communicate with and parent our children, and help us find ways to connect with and teach our kids more effectively.   As his website states:

Alfie Kohn writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. The author of eleven books and scores of articles, he lectures at education conferences and universities as well as to parent groups and corporations. Kohn’s criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as “perhaps the country’s most outspoken critic of education’s fixation on grades [and] test scores.”

I (Lisa) first met Alfie Kohn in person many years ago at a conference, and was very inspired by his presentation.  In the Q&A, though, I wanted to know, “so, now that we know all of this, how do we get kids to cooperate?”  I’ve read a lot of parenting books.  Even at that point, I had read a lot, and knew that most traditional parenting books give you a formula, and assurances that if you just follow it, you’ll be golden.  Where was the formula??  I still remember Kohn’s wry look when I asked the question, and I suspect it’s a look I’ve now given others.

Parenting is about developing relationships, and even more difficult, developing skills at relationships – not just in our kids, but in ourselves.  Instead of giving us easy answers and assurances, Kohn asks the tough questions.   He questions our assumptions about the nature of children, points out the euphemisms we use for parenting practices and the message they send, and challenges us to look beneath the common thinking about parenting.

This show will be a chance to explore some of those questions.  Don’t expect to hear potty training advice or 10 steps on how to get your child to clean his room.  Instead, prepare to come away with the feeling that even though you may now have even less formulaic answers than you did before,  it started your thinking going in new and intriguing ways.  At least, that is always how I feel after listening to this fascinating speaker.

We’ll be taking questions in advance over voicemail, facebook, and email. To leave us a voicemail, call (641) 715-3900 Extension 98407# . After you record your message, if you don’t like it, press #, and you can delete or re-record.  You are also welcome to leave questions here.

To set up a reminder for the show, to  join us live, or to listen to the archive afterward, please visit: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting/2010/02/24/unconditional-parenting-with-alfie-kohn

To leave us a voicemail, call (970) 430-KIDS – (970) 430-5437.

Stay tuned – we have some exciting guests coming up this fall!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting/2009/04/08/Caution-Men-at-Housework

If you have questions for T.J. or stories about parenting from a dad’s perspective, please share them here, leave us a voicemail at 206-339-4342 .