The person whom I routinely let down, though, is me. I can forgive a friend’s lapse in judgment with barely a second thought, but my own? Huh uh. I’m likely to pull it out every evening and use it to beat myself on the head. It’s funny because I keep trying to write that when it comes to my own mistakes I lose all sense of proportion, except there’s enough of my brain that thinks my response is proportional and rational that I can’t.

This afternoon I stopped to wonder how I would respond if I knew a friend were struggling. How would I be a friend? How do I react to imperfection? I make room for it, maybe try to cushion it, absorb some of the blows with a listening ear. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect. I expect them to be thoughtful, to struggle, to have triumphs and setbacks. Even more- I sincerely want to be there for both the good times and the challenges. I want to be present, helpful, maybe just quietly sharing the load a bit.

I went outside to my flower garden and started clipping.

I took my time, touched each stem. I considered how the colors would go together, how they support each other, draw out each others colors.

In the end, I mixed baby ironweed in with mature zinnias, and offered myself a bit of friendship.
It’s a token really, a symbol of hope that I can offer myself the same support and comfort I would offer a friend- that through strong connections with each other we can all draw the strength and resilience we need to extend kindness and forgiveness both inward and outward.

This week we’re talking about the little gifts we can offer ourselves, whether singing a song, cutting some flowers or taking a quiet walk. How are you a good friend to yourself?

Painting makes you notice. Suddenly you stop seeing just the big picture and you see the details of what you are trying to capture. Recently I’ve found the same is true of writing. It’s impossible to try to capture what you aren’t paying attention to. Perhaps that is why I’m so entranced by clouds this summer. Perhaps I’m finally paying attention – to life, to where I am, and not just to where I’m putting my feet. (Yeah, we’ll see how long it will last ).

The clouds are never the same. I’m sitting outside on my deck, and there are new clouds compared to ten minutes ago when I sat down. They were light and fluffy, but the big gray one with little color differentiation has moved around from my peripheral vision into the front. I like change, in general.

Of course, what I like is movement, preferably aesthetic, not upheaval. (I’m eying that dark cloud suspiciously, and wouldn’t be very happy it if started raining on me). Sometimes when the proverbial big gray cloud comes around, and there really isn’t any detail to see, it’s hard to keep paying attention. I get that.

But looking down isn’t going to change what cloud is above you. One of my favorite therapists used to say, when you don’t know what else to do, just look up. Physically, look up. There is something about looking above the horizon that helps our outlook, both literally and metaphorically.

So whatever you would like to do, but aren’t actually doing, try paying attention and see what happens. Pay attention to the clouds for a while. Sit with a cup of coffee and see if you can just be with them for a while. (I lasted 5 minutes. I’ll try for 6 tomorrow).

And then, try paying attention elsewhere and see what changes.

Our August 31st radio show discusses paying attention – please join us!

Lisa

Today’s show- a frank discussion of talking about sex with your kids can be found at blogtalkradio, or you can find it on itunes by searching for our names.

Some of the books mentioned are It’s Perfectly Normal, It’s not the Stork, and It’s So Amazing. The author of all those books is Robie Harris.

The UU site has more information on the OWL program.

Some sites for teens:

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu
www.scarleteen.com
www.plannedparenthood.com/teen-talk/index.htm

More information about abstinence only programs failing our kids is found all over the web, but here’s a sampling:

http://www.openeducation.net/2009/01/05/abstinence-only-sex-education-statistics-final-nail-in-the-coffin/

Feel free to add your own resources in the comments section!

Thanks!

Many of our listeners are familiar with the work of Alfie Kohn.  (And if you aren’t, now is the time!)   Kohn’s books look at the research behind the “default” thinking about how we communicate with and parent our children, and help us find ways to connect with and teach our kids more effectively.   As his website states:

Alfie Kohn writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. The author of eleven books and scores of articles, he lectures at education conferences and universities as well as to parent groups and corporations. Kohn’s criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as “perhaps the country’s most outspoken critic of education’s fixation on grades [and] test scores.”

I (Lisa) first met Alfie Kohn in person many years ago at a conference, and was very inspired by his presentation.  In the Q&A, though, I wanted to know, “so, now that we know all of this, how do we get kids to cooperate?”  I’ve read a lot of parenting books.  Even at that point, I had read a lot, and knew that most traditional parenting books give you a formula, and assurances that if you just follow it, you’ll be golden.  Where was the formula??  I still remember Kohn’s wry look when I asked the question, and I suspect it’s a look I’ve now given others.

Parenting is about developing relationships, and even more difficult, developing skills at relationships – not just in our kids, but in ourselves.  Instead of giving us easy answers and assurances, Kohn asks the tough questions.   He questions our assumptions about the nature of children, points out the euphemisms we use for parenting practices and the message they send, and challenges us to look beneath the common thinking about parenting.

This show will be a chance to explore some of those questions.  Don’t expect to hear potty training advice or 10 steps on how to get your child to clean his room.  Instead, prepare to come away with the feeling that even though you may now have even less formulaic answers than you did before,  it started your thinking going in new and intriguing ways.  At least, that is always how I feel after listening to this fascinating speaker.

We’ll be taking questions in advance over voicemail, facebook, and email. To leave us a voicemail, call (641) 715-3900 Extension 98407# . After you record your message, if you don’t like it, press #, and you can delete or re-record.  You are also welcome to leave questions here.

To set up a reminder for the show, to  join us live, or to listen to the archive afterward, please visit: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting/2010/02/24/unconditional-parenting-with-alfie-kohn

To leave us a voicemail, call (970) 430-KIDS – (970) 430-5437.

Stay tuned – we have some exciting guests coming up this fall!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/parenting/2009/04/08/Caution-Men-at-Housework

If you have questions for T.J. or stories about parenting from a dad’s perspective, please share them here, leave us a voicemail at 206-339-4342 .

Please only leave your first name and your city or state so that we can play it on air.

If you are nervous about it, you can always record your voicemail more than once or leave us a second one asking us to read it instead of playing it if you are worried.   We listen to all of them before we upload them for playing on the show, and we will respect your request not to play it on air if that is your preference.  If you don’t specify, we’ll assume it’s ok.

To leave us a voicemail, call (641) 715-3900 Extension 98407#  .

Online communities such as facebook, twittermoms, list serves, and bulletin boards can provide much needed camaraderie, advice, support and friendship for stressed out parents. Join us in a discussion of online communities for parents and how to build your own online tribe.

Your Way or My Way? When Parents Have Different Styles

Join us for an affordable, experiential Webinar workshop on February 10

Click here to register

When children are challenging, parenting styles and tools often become polarized and divided, or even adversarial.  In this unique workshop, parents explore how to use the collaborative problem solving process to reconnect to their shared values for their children, to reach mutually acceptable solutions to the biggest issues, and to support and respect each other’s strengths in the day-to-day differences.

We have teamed up with the Working Family Resource Center to provide this exciting web-based workshop using popular GoToMeeting software.  This powerful software lets you join the workshop in a variety of ways:

• Fully participate over the computer with no long-distance charges (requires computer headset or a laptop with built-in microphone)
• or Fully participate over the computer, calling in via phone for audio (long-distance call)
• or Listen over the computer using computer speakers, and type in questions/comments
• or Participate in the audio portion over your phone line

Cost:  $5
Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Time: 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM CST
After registering you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the Webinar and a link to add it to your Calendar if you wish.

System Requirements to join via Web (you can also join via phone):

Required: Windows 2000, XP Home, XP Pro, 2003 Server, Vista
Macintosh-based attendees
Required: Mac OS X 10.4 (Tiger) or newer

Reserve your Webinar seat now at: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/581145658

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