Social skills are difficult at fourteen. Even the most popular students feel that they struggle to say the right thing at the right time. But for a few, it is especially difficult at that age.

She was fourteen years old, a freshman in high school, and painfully shy. She told me that she didn’t know how to be a part of a group discussion. By the time she thought of something witty to say as a way of contributing to the conversation, the group had moved on to another subject. She felt like an outsider.

I assured her that most likely no one else thought she was an outsider, because each person was focused on herself.

Social Skills—Observe and Listen

As we began to talk about how to improve her conversation skills, I assigned her homework:

• Observe. Look around the group. Find one other person who is a minor player in the conversation. She probably says very little and seems hesitant to jump into the talk.
• Listen. Focus carefully on what each person is saying, but especially pay attention to the words of the person you picked out in the “observe” part of the assignment. As you walk away from the group, speak to her about what she said. For example, if she said that her little brother was driving her nuts, make a comment that shows you heard her: “I know what you mean about little brothers. I hope mine matures before he comes to high school.”

This approach mirrors the counsel on the Teens Health website when they suggest in the article “5 Ways to Shake Shyness” that one should begin small. It is easier to begin having conversations with an individual from a group before participating with the entire group.

Social Skills—How the Experiment Worked

When we talked later, she told me about her experience. She was surprised that she felt comfortable talking to one of the girls as they walked away from the group. They had talked again on several occasions and had lunch together in the cafeteria.

We continued through her freshman year working on her social skills, especially the ability to observe and listen to others. In time, her talks with one person from a group gave her confidence to interact in the group.

Social Skills Include Making Others Feel Good

In the cacophony of teens all making self-centered noises about themselves, it’s refreshing to find one whose focus is outward. She learned the skills of focusing on others, reading their body language, and listening to their words so well that others were drawn to her. Perhaps they didn’t know why, but they knew they felt good about themselves in her presence.

Best Social Skills Are Caring for Others

I recently observed that young lady, now a confident adult, as she led a group working toward a common goal. I watched her draw others into the discussion and confidently share her own thoughts. As the meeting broke up, women gathered around her with comments, questions, and hugs. It was obvious that they not only respected her skills and knowledge, but that many in the group valued her friendship.

And the key to the transformation from painfully shy freshman to confident, warm, and caring adult? She learned to make conversations a venue to care for others. As I walked away thinking of what I had observed, I was reminded of the way Jesus used conversation to care for those who surrounded him.

Question: If there is a way you can use this approach with your child, please share it with our other readers.

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Social Skills or Manipulation?

I joined a group of kids in the high school hallway. A young man was talking about his escapades the previous night. Some of the others standing there apparently had been at the same event, because they tried several times to add to the story. He not only did not allow them to talk, but he had a noticeable physical force that dominated the gathering.

I knew this teen and had seen him in action at other times. On the surface, he seemed popular, because he was entertaining and drew a crowd. As I observed him throughout his high school years, I concluded that he had poor social skills, and hence, no close friends, only followers.

I’m sure his little brother thought of him as bossy. Perhaps his parents called him hard-headed or stubborn. The description I would use is overbearing, because his presence, his voice, his command of any situation, and his unwillingness to share talk, time, space, or possessions were all part of his makeup.

I don’t know when these traits first manifested themselves, but I suspect he was still in diapers when someone noticed them. I envision a toddler who demanded his way and constant attention from his parents. A little brother arrived, and as soon as he was somewhat mobile, this two-year-old began to tell him what to do. The parents attempted to stop the bossiness, but were unsuccessful. Now, at seventeen, he is on the pathway to difficult relationships in his adulthood, because he lacks the important social skill of sharing.

4 Tips to Improve Overbearing Child’s Social Skills

If you realize you have an overbearing child, you can take action whether he is two or seventeen. The following tips will help get him started on a pathway to better relationships with adults and peers:

• Require that he share the spotlight at home. If he tries to interrupt conversations, insist that he wait his turn. If he’s an only child, he can share with his parents.
• If necessary, use a timer to see that each child gets to talk about his or her day when the family comes together. Rotate who get the first turn. (With my two, I used odd and even days to determine all kinds of choices.)
• To teach the concept of give and take in conversation, there is a fun game using a medium sized ball. Sit in a conversational circle on the floor or in chairs. Choose a topic to discuss. One person holds the ball while speaking a few sentences and then, throws it to another person to indicate that it is his or her turn. As the ball circulates among the group, each person gets a turn to talk.
• Require that your child respect another’s personal space. Getting physically too close to someone is a way of dominating.

The Foundation of All Social Skills

As you teach social skills, build on the foundation of Matthew 7:12: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” (NIV)

Changing Your Child’s Behavior Worth the Effort

It is not always easy to make changes in a habit such as overbearing behavior, but if you do, your child will develop deeper friendships. This is a gift from you that will last a lifetime. As an added bonus, it is a gift to your future son- or daughter-in-law. And, everyone wants brownie points with their in-laws.

Question: How have you tried to help your child learn the social skill of sharing?

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It was my first year to teach elementary school. I had a class of sixth graders for all subjects except physical education. Because we were together so much, we became family. In addition to academics, I cared about each one’s personal needs. I worried about Susie’s home life, Jake’s arrogance over his good grades, Steve’s need to talk continually, and Karen’s shyness. As the year progressed, I saw improvement in many children’s issues.

Michael’s Weird Noises

However, there was one child I’ll call Michael whose social skills didn’t improve. He was shunned by his classmates because of annoying habits. One that drove everyone nuts was that he made weird noises and thought they were hysterically funny. No one else was amused. I watched kids walk away from him on the playground. Occasionally, some reacted negatively, telling him to “knock it off.” The more kids avoided him, the more his weird behavior escalated. It was a vicious cycle.

Social Skills of Preteens

Eleven- and twelve-year-olds are on the edge of becoming sophisticated teens. They don’t want anyone to think they enjoy the silliness of childhood. His behavior may have gotten laughs in the second grade, but not in sixth grade.

Sometimes, the cute little behaviors of our preschoolers become barriers that keep them from making friends in school. It may be cute for four-year-old Tim to dominate conversations, tell others what to do, or make weird noises. However, those traits do not endear him to his preteen peers. It’s important that we look at childish behaviors and ask ourselves, “Will others enjoys these actions, or will they make Tim stand out as strange or annoying?” If you notice a behavior that will be socially unacceptable to friends, it’s best to make the changes before your child begins school.

Using Behavior Modification to Improve Social Skills

However, what if you realize that one of those annoying actions is solidly ingrained into your preteen’s behavior? The most effective way to eliminate a behavior is a technique called behavior modification. Before you begin, talk to your child to enlist his cooperation.

Basically, it requires that you reward your child when he goes for a specified amount of time without doing the annoying action. You can keep up with the “credits” he earns by tokens in a jar or marks on a chart. The important point is that you be absolutely consistent. In the case of making weird noises, you can give a token for every thirty minutes that he is “weird-noise free.” Behavior modification is much more effective if reward is given for positive behavior instead of punishment for negative behavior which should be ignored.

At intervals in the program, he can use his credits for one of a few prearranged rewards. The rewards don’t have to be expensive. I worked with a mom and her nine-year-old daughter whose reward—chosen by the girl—was an outing to get ice cream and go to the park with Mom.

The cure rate? There is almost always a successful ending if the parent is consistent. Most of the time, the behavior can be eliminated in less than two weeks.

It’s Worth the Hard Work

As difficult as this will be, it seems a short time when you consider a lifetime of good social skills for your child.

Did I resolve the problem for the boy in my sixth grade class? No, I didn’t. I was a young, inexperienced teacher. If I could have a “re-do,” I would work with the mom as both of us used behavior modification to eliminate the weird noises.

Question: If you have tried behavior modification to improve your child’s social skills, I invite you to share your ideas with other readers?

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As I visited with a teacher during recess, I noticed a girl standing to the side of the playground. She watched the other kids as they talked in small groups or played improvised games. I excused myself from my coworker and walked over to the girl. “Hi. I guess we haven’t met. My name is Mrs. Bell. What’s yours?”

“Alex.”

“Alex, are you new to our school?”

“No.”

“If you want to join one of the groups out there, we’ll walk over together. Okay?”

“I don’t know. I never know what to say.”

“Tell you what. I’ll make it easy for you. You really don’t have to say much. Just listen to what the others say, and answer any questions directed to you. Come on. Let’s go. Just stand by me while I talk to them.”

We joined a group, and I began a conversation about the upcoming Easter holiday. Everyone chimed in with details of holiday plans. Then, I turned to Alex, “So, what are you going to do for Easter?” Caught off guard and with a specific question to answer, she didn’t have time to be nervous. She told us of her plans to visit her grandmother in another town.

The bell rang to end recess, and the children ran for the building. I made a note to visit with Alex later to give her some “hanging out with friends” social skills pointers.

Small talk comes naturally to some. For others, it is awkward and must be learned. And, yes, it can be learned. What tips did I give Alex when we met privately in my counseling office? How about if you listen in?

Just say “Hi.”

Most of the time, it’s okay to join a group unless they are circled up tightly as if telling secrets. Walk up to the group and greet them. It’s not necessary to say more than “Hi.”

Listen

The most popular kids are the ones who listen and actually hear what others are saying. That means not concentrating on what you will say, but paying attention to what they say. (Sue Dillicar, on her website Old Fashioned Parenting, even suggests learning appropriate “I’m listening noises” to let the other person know you are really tuned in. We actually practiced these in my office.) Store the information that you hear because it will come in handy later.

Ask Questions

All kids love to talk about themselves. Suppose that yesterday you listened well and heard that Hannah was hoping Ryan might be at the church meeting she was going to that night. Remember that you saved that tidbit of information about Hannah to use later. Now is the moment. When you see her, ask, “Hannah, did you get to see Ryan at church last night?” You contributed to the conversation in a positive way, and can now hang back while Hannah talks about Ryan.

Make Eye Contact While You Listen

This is hard for some people. You might practice on your family if it makes you uncomfortable. Nothing makes a person feel “listened to” as much as eye contact. It’s okay to glance away occasionally. You don’t want the other person to feel like you are in a staring contest.

The Social Skills Payoff

Once your child learns to do these four things, he or she will gain confidence from experience and be able to participate in small talk like a pro.

Question: Does your child have a good understanding of these skills? If not, do you think this post has given you enough information to teach them to him or her?

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“I Don’t Know How to Make Friends”

It’s painful to hear a child say, “No one likes me,” or “I don’t have any friends.” After the initial pain, parents often realize they have no idea how to help. In this and the next three blog posts, I will suggest ways to help your child become better able to make friends.

Before we look at these suggestions, let me remind parents that a small disagreement with a friend can be interpreted by a child as a big disaster. By the time you figure out how to help your child, she’ll be back in the inner circle of friends oblivious to the problem that broke her heart yesterday.

The suggestions that I make are helpful to one who has true difficulty making friends, but will also enhance any child’s or teen’s ability to be more socially successful. Even we adults can improve our “friend-making” skills.

Self-Acceptance Is First Step in Making Friends

First, we must teach self-acceptance. Jesus said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  Matthew 22:39. (NKJV) Not only is this a command to love others, it is also an instrument by which to measure that love. A person who loves self is free to love others. That’s why self-acceptance is such an important part of a Christian’s walk.

David sang to God, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well.” Psalm 139:14 (NRSV)

Armed with these two verses from God’s Word, begin to show your child how she is wonderful in God’s eyes and yours. Praise the way she relates to her little brother, her willingness to help you in the kitchen, the time she stepped back to let a team mate make a goal, and other little acts that show her inner nature.

Bible Stories Teach Self-Acceptance

Use stories in God’s Word to point out characteristics that please God and others. For example, “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I Samuel 16:7 (NKJV)

David, the shepherd boy and the youngest brother, was not well respected by his older brothers. He had every reason to think little of himself. But, he knew that God created him and God only creates good. For that reason, he was able to praise God that he was “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

This is a beginning place for your child: self-acceptance.

Next week, I will write about another step toward helping your child make friends.

Question: How are you teaching your child self-acceptance?

The post Teach Your Child to Make Friends: First Step appeared first on Parenting From The Source.

A Child of God?

Ryan sat at the back of my sixth grade classroom. He came to class disheveled, his hair was seldom clean, and an odor of unwashed clothes followed him wherever he went. I knew I was supposed to love all children, but Ryan tested me. His loud voice demanded attention. He was intelligent, but had trouble focusing on school work. He picked on other kids so much that when I heard a complaint, I immediately looked toward Ryan.

As the school year began, I struggled with my attitude about Ryan. I wanted to love him. Isn’t that what teachers are supposed to do?

Ryan was God’s Child before He Was Conceived

Then one day, I revisited a verse I had read many times: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 (NKJV) When I realized that God knew Ryan before he formed him in his mother’s womb and knew that he would be in my sixth grade class, my feelings toward him changed. Because he was a child of God—a loved child of God—I could love him, too.

Changed Hearts See Others as Children of God

Our children need, not more rules about how to treat others, but a change of heart. That change can only come as the Holy Spirit teaches them that all the children on the playground are beloved children of God.

3 Ways to Prepare Our Children for the Spirit’s Work

• Plan exposure to children who are different. Those who have handicaps, unusual physical features, or annoying habits, don’t dress well, have poor social skills, or come from a different cultural background stand out among their peers as different. Find ways for your children to get to know those who don’t fit the mold.

• Teach them the meaning of Jeremiah 1:5—that God knows each child before he or she is born and knows his or her future.

• Help your children think about and discuss how other children feel when they are different.

Jesus Loved Each as a Child of God

Jesus was our perfect example.  He hung around the lowly and rejected.  He chose Matthew from one of the most hated professions of the day – tax collecting – to be a disciple.  He did so, because He recognized that he was as much a child of God as were the Pharisees and other leaders of the day.

Question: Will you begin today to train your children’s hearts to accept all God’s children despite their differences?

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In 2001, I wrote an article about school violence. I mentioned metal detectors, search dogs, and see-through backpacks. Today we’re talking about allowing and equipping teachers to carry concealed handguns. The fact is that we are in deeper trouble than we were twelve years ago when I wrote that original article. And, cyber bullying is part of the problem.

The Solution Is the Same As It Was in 2001

The solution has not changed in twelve years. In 2001, I wrote, “…a picture of the perpetrator began to emerge.  The person is usually a male loner rejected by classmates.  Even if there are two or three, they still fit the pattern.  

“The solution to the problem is to reach those students who feel rejected before they become angry and violent.”

What Can Parents Do?

• Find out what is going on with your kids. Only 1 in 10 kids tell their parents they are being bullied which means that parents must find out on their own.
• Know the signs  that your child is being bullied.
• Know how and to whom to report cyber bullying.

What If Your Child Is Not the One Being Bullied?

• Teach your child to reach out to loners. This is key, because it is preventative rather than responsive. We failed to treat the source of the problem in the twelve years since I wrote that first article. There are still lonely, hurting children in our schools. Cyber bullying is both a symptom and a cause.

A Biblical Reason to Reach Out to the Hurting

Jesus said, “ For I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in.”  Matthew 25:35 (NKJV) Even a three-year-old can be taught to look around the playground for the child standing alone (stranger) so that she can invite her into the group.

A teen who reaches out to others will be a leader among her peers.  When she helps a stranger (loner) feel included, her peers will be more likely to accept the loner.

If we teach our children to include students who have no friends, there will be fewer students filled with anger waiting to react with cyber bullying and gunfire.

Challenge: Are you willing to take a first step against the attack on our kids?

Will you teach your children to reach out to the friendless with compassion? The result could be safer schools as the lonely are rescued before they become angry. We can change the world one person at a time.

The post Cyber Bullying: 4 Ways Parents Can Stop It appeared first on Parenting From The Source.

Find the Signs That They Are Worried

Because small children don’t have enough understanding or words, they may not ask questions. That means that as parents, we must “read” their behavior. They may have trouble sleeping, act out, withdraw, and revert to childish behavior such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking. The American Psychological Association lists many other reactions that children display when they feel unsafe.

Help Them Express Their Concerns

Children often express their deepest needs by means other than words. Art and drama are wonderful mediums to use. I walked my small children through my divorce with drama (Barbie and Ken) and crayons and paper. After they expressed what was bothering them through art or drama, then we could talk.

Another wonderful way to find out what is on your child’s mind is to ask, “What do we need to pray about tonight?” When she answers, “Pray for the children in the school shooting,” follow with a question.

“What specifically can we pray about for them?”

You may be amazed that she has a detailed answer: “Pray that if it happens again, their mommies can find them at the school.” That is a perfect opening to assure her of your ability to locate her in a crisis.

Respond with Specific Help

If you child is worried about your finding her when children are moved to another location, give her the specifics of how you would do that. Create a safety plan with her so that she knows names and addresses of backup emergency contacts.

If she wants to know about funerals of victims (because she has never been to one), tell her exactly what happens at services. If she continues to worry, take her to a funeral home that has a staff person trained to talk to children.

Listen carefully and your children will tell you what is on their minds even if they don’t use words. Once you find the key to reaching them, you will be amazed at what they will tell you.

Limit Exposure to Television and Adult Talk

Sometimes if we aren’t listening to the television, we don’t realize what our children are watching. It is best to use television in a controlled manner, choosing what you and your children will watch, rather than allowing it to become an ever present source of uncensored information and images.

Also, remember that children hear when we think they are not listening. By some magical means, when we lower our voices, their ears perk up to hear our whispered conversations. Be sure they cannot hear when discussing incidents that could worry them.

Question: How have you talked to your children about school shootings or other issues that disturb them?

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“Mom, look what happened at that school. Someone came in and shot the children.”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry you had to see that. It’s in a place far from here.”

“Will a shooter come to my school?”

Amy sat on the couch by Joshua, pulled him onto her lap, and picked up the remote to banish the terror from their home. But, looking into Joshua’s eyes, she knew she had only removed it from the screen, not from her son’s mind. “Let’s talk about what you saw, Joshua.”

School Shootings: Fantasy or Reality to Kids?

A young child mixes fantasy and reality when he reads books or watches movies and television. When school shootings replay on a TV screen, he thinks it is happening many times. Although he senses that his parents and older siblings are upset, he may not be old enough to ask why. Instead, he feels a sense of unease that he doesn’t know how to process.

Kids Ask: Why?

As Christian parents, we teach our children to treat others with love and compassion.  They expect adults to behave in the same way.  Suddenly, they are confronted with evil much greater than the playground bully.  They want to know why people do bad things; and they want to know about their own safety.

Because of school shootings and other unthinkable acts, parents have the opportunity to teach their children about the battle between good and evil or between God and Satan.

A Child’s View of the Fall

A paraphrased version of Adam and Eve’s fall might go like this:

God told Adam and Eve not to eat from one tree in the middle of the Garden.  Satan, pretending to be a snake, told Eve to ignore God and eat the fruit.  She and Adam chose to disobey God and listen to what Satan told them to do.

Good Versus Evil

Further explain to your child: People who shoot children in a school do so because they choose to ignore God.  They do what Satan tells them to do. Satan tempts everyone to do bad things, and sometimes it is hard to do the right thing. Those of us who know God can ask him for help to do what is right.

Even though we hate to see our children lose their innocence, the fact of Satan’s presence in the world is a lesson they all must learn.

Next week, I will write about helping our child feel safe when they know there is evil in the world.

Question: Have your young children seen news about school shootings and other tragedies that frighten them? How have you talked to them about it?

The post School Shootings: A Lesson about Good Vs. Evil appeared first on Parenting From The Source.

Her daughter was abusing privileges extended to her. She had a credit card for her monthly allotment of gasoline. Not only did she often exceed her limit, but Mom found out that she sold credit-card-purchased gasoline to friends when she needed cash. “How can I trust her? I gave her the card because I wanted to track expenses and make it easier for both of us.”

“What will happen if you take away the credit card?”

“I have to go to work early. She needs her car to get to school and to her job. The card is only for fuel. It’s not a regular credit card. I never dreamed she would break my trust by selling gasoline.”

“Maybe you could take away the card and go with her each time she needs gasoline.”

There was a long pause. “She’d be embarrassed if her friends saw her taking me along to fill up. And, it’d be a real pain for me. I’m so busy after work.”

“Do you think she would do it forever? Maybe she’d be ready to earn your trust after a month or so. One advantage would be that you could see exactly how much fuel she really needs.”

“I hadn’t thought of that. I know it’ll be trouble, but I think I’ll try it. Thanks. This may work.”

Ways Kids Break Parents’ Trust

There are many ways our children abuse privileges we offer them: misusing a credit card meant to buy only specific item, writing hot checks if they have back accounts, using the Internet inappropriately, and running up pay-for-view charges on cable. These resources are difficult to control which is the reason teens often abuse them.

What to Do When Trust is Broken

Ideally, the relationship between a parent and a teen is such that the teen is trusted to use credit, bank accounts, the Internet, and other resources within the limits allowed by his or her parents. When a teen proves to be untrustworthy, parents need to take action.

Use passwords to deny access to computer and cable. That’s a good idea anyway to protect kids from inappropriate websites and programming. Take away cell phones and video games. Close checking accounts.

These strategies seem burdensome and embarrassing. Your son may not like taking Mom along when he needs to shop for a new shirt. Your daughter may find it inconvenient to stop by the house to get dad when she’s running low on gasoline. Perhaps if they are embarrassed or inconvenienced enough, they will decide to be trustworthy.

As a parent, I hated rigid rules for my teens, because I preferred to operate on trust. However, if a child won’t honor that trust, it is our right and responsibility to restrict access to privileges.

Teens Seek Restored Trust When Privileges Denied

There is good news. Kids find restrictions so painful that it won’t be long until they are ready to prove their trustworthiness. The key is finding what restriction hurts the most.

Question: How do you handle loss of trust with your kids?

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