Parenting from Your Heart

Hanging on and letting go

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 18:29:00 +0000

It might sound funny, but as your teens navigate through the waters of high school, you'll find it easier to accept their behavior if you watch for the "hanging on and letting go," and learn that it's just part of the normal growth of a teen.

So many times we wonder where our little kids went. You know the ones who wanted to snuggle up beside us on the couch and watch a movie? Well, if you watch closely, you'll see that they're still beside you, but not quite as often.

I watch as my 16-year-old regularly runs to the family room in the basement to watch one of her favorite evening TV shows with her 14-year-old sister. As she heads off, I think hmmm, I wonder if she remembers who I am? Then about 15 minutes before bedtime, she'll yell "Hey mom! Are you coming down here to snuggle up for awhile?" That's the "hanging on and letting go."

The next day she comes home and wants to bake cookies together or make dinner for me. The night after that she says, "Mom, can I go to Brooke's and sled after school on Friday?" Knowing that she'll be at her dad's house all weekend, I say "so I'll see you on Monday?" and she replies, "Yep!" as if it doesn't matter if I exist again. That's the "hanging on and letting go" again.

I like labels, because it makes it easier for me to understand human behavior. When I know she's hanging on and letting go, I also find comfort in the fact that she IS growing up to be an independent and beautiful young lady, and at the same time, she still loves me enough to request my presence during her favorite TV show or to make cookies.

It's ok if your teen is hanging on and letting go. He or she is just trying to find the same balance that we tried to find when we were working our way toward adulthood. It's a process. My daughter loves me and I love her. And ultimately, that's all that matters.

When you notice the letting go, take time to find the hanging on part too. They always reside beside each other... Just sometimes the hanging on part is harder to identify.

Love and light!

Coach Julie

Parenting Teenagers - It's Not About You

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 18:11:00 +0000

Hello Friends,
One of the most profound perspective shifts I've ever made, was directly related to parenting my teenagers (of which I have four right now).

I was in a coaching class learning about the fact that when our clients come to us and bring us their concerns, challenges and emotions, we need to keep perspective that all of what they share is about them, not us. I thought this was rather simple thinking and that it made sense to me... after all, why would their problems be about me?

So within a day of that class, I had a very crabby teenager on my hands. She had not gotten enough sleep, had been pushed a little too far at school and was home taking it out on her family (me specifically).

At a point where I began feeling very defensive and was just about to say "look young lady, enough is enough, if you're in a bad mood, you can just go hang out in your room," something hit me for the first time ever. This wasn't about me. This was about her. It was about her tiredness, her bad day, and her irritation with HER life. I could make it about me if I chose to do so, but it was really about her.

At that moment, instead of yelling at her for yelling at me, I shifted my perspective from "I don't like the way she's treating ME" to "I think she's trying to tell me that she needs something." So I asked her: "Hey honey, what do you need?" in a mild, non-defensive tone of voice (because I wasn't feeling defensive now that I knew it was really all about her). And she told me.

The anger was gone in a flash and the night turned out to be a relaxed and enjoyable one.

I keep my new perspective in my pocket now, because it's just an amazing tool for handling the ups and downs of, what can be, some rather rough years.

- Julie Fisher
Complete Well-being Coach

Gaining and Building Respect from Your Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 16:30:00 +0000

This is a challenge that every parent faces at some point in the raising of a child. Many parents feel it most strongly during the teenage years because kids are starting to try to figure out how to separate themselves from their parents and some of their techniques are less than friendly to parents. But this can happen at any age once a child begins to talk and understand how their behavior impacts others.

There are several things to consider:
One is the means by which your children show or display respect: It may be that they don’t show respect in the very same way that you show respect to others. If this is the case, you may already have their respect and not even know it. If it is the way in which they show respect that throws you off, your mission is quite easy. You can talk to them about how you perceive their behavior as disrespectful and talk to them about how the two of you can work together so that you are feeling the respect. This might sound odd, but your child simply may not understand how you expect them to show their respect.

For example, if you expect that your child will immediately pop up out of their seat to help you when you call their name – and yet when you call their name, they don’t, you may want to explain to them that this behavior seems disrespectful to you. A short discussion about your expectations may go a long way towards you seeing the respect.

Your discussion may include both sides of the story – yours with regards to your expectations – and theirs with regards to what they think about your expectations. For example, your child may need a moment to finish something when you call (and they think that you wanting them to immediately pop up is unreasonable in every case) and so they think they will not be able to always come running immediately when you call. If this is the case, you could compromise with them by having them confirm that they’ve heard your request and by requesting that they simply you how long it will be before they’ll come to help you.

I know that when I call my kids to come help, some come more quickly than others. And the ones who come more quickly end up having to do more of the work. So I am not good about providing incentives to them to come quickly. I should occasionally give the first one to come, the time off. Simply let them go and rest while the latecomers do the work. I bet if I changed my behavior with regards to this, their response would change too.

If you’re certain that your child truly doesn’t respect you, then next you should ask yourself whom you respect and how you show that respect to others. It may be that your kids don’t see you at times that you are being respectful (that doesn’t mean that you’re not respectful, but that the situations that provide opportunities for you to role model, have not been frequent enough). These opportunities may be present at work or in a volunteer position at times when you’re kids just don’t see you and how respectful that you can be.

If you’re in a relationship (have a husband, wife or significant other) it is critical that you model respect toward each other. If mom doesn’t respect dad (even in subtle ways like talking badly about him when he’s not around), or dad doesn’t respect mom, it will be very difficult to teach your child to respect you (difficult but not impossible). What he may have been taught without you knowing it, is that teasing, ignoring, or badmouthing are perfectly acceptable ways of treating other people.

At times when you see your child being disrespectful to there other parent, you should immediately support the other parent and tell your child that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable in your home — even if the disrespect is towards an ex-spouse. If they reply with “well, you do it.” Then it’s the perfect time for a family talk and some honesty with regards to everyone working on positive change.

Family talks are great because they are a way for each person to express their own individual opinion about the way things are going and they can be very enlightening.

Intuition and Your Child

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 22:19:00 +0000

I just finished reading an article on the power of intuition. Not intuition in the magical mind-reading, future telling sense, but intuition in the "knowing" sense.

Recent studies have found that people who actively use their intuition make accurate assessments of people, surroundings and events in mere moments. And studies have further shown that the assessments made, when evaluated, are quite "dead-on."

So, what value does this serve for you? Well, as your children grow and have what I would call "instinctive responses" to certain things, instead of questioning those feelings and pushing your child past them or through them, teach them the value of listening to that inner voice.

We're taught that we should learn, memorize, use common sense, and use other people as guides to making decisions, but I think we've all made decisions we've regretted by using these guides. The reality may be that we already know the best route, safest way, or who to trust by tapping into our own intuition.

So the next time your toddler, school-aged child, or teen has a strong feeling about something, teach them to trust what they're feeling. There's a really good chance that it's very in-tune with what's really going on. And by building and supporting them to trust in their own intuition, you provide them a great gift: the gift of self trust and strengthened intuition.

Build that, and you're starting something really great!

Autumn Fun

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Sun, 29 Oct 2006 19:35:00 +0000

This time of year is great for frolicking in the leaves. So take your little high-energy bugaboo and let him play in a big pile of leaves. It's not only a heck of a lot of fun, but the cooler air and all that wild playing will get him ready for a peaceful afternoon nap.

Then, mom and dad, you should put your feet up and enjoy the change of seasons. Soon, you'll be more housebound so enjoy it while it lasts!

Parenting the high-energy child — Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 20:53:00 +0000

My two-year-old child has two nicknames: Herc (for Hercules) and the white tornado (he's a blonde with wild curls that remind you a bit of Einstein). There's a reason for these nicknames... The first is that on a good day, he's simply incredibly strong. Today he tried to pick up an oscillating fan that weighs close to what he does. There was no struggle, just a heave-ho and up it went into the air. My husband was standing right beside him and I thought that my hubby had helped him hoist it up. On the contrary, dad was proud that he could lift something so big and had not helped one little bit.

On a bad day, well, the white tornado says it all. The little guy can tear through a room so fast that you don't know what hit you. There will be books scattered, drapes thrown aside, food smashed and chairs tipped over. You can see the younger cat peeking out from under the sofa with her tail fluffed and the old one offering a wicked stare that says "touch me kiddo, and you're going to feel the wrath."

I'm getting older, so mostly I just grin and wonder where all this energy comes from. It's not what he eats, because he doesn't really like to eat. Eating takes patience, and he has none. So it must be heredity. However, I have been told that I was quite a calm child — so I'm not taking the blame on this one.

I try to use some practical strategies with him. One strategy I find extremely helpful is called "wear him out." I begin with a good tickling by blowing on his belly or nibbling on his neck. Then we roll around on the floor a bit and I ask him if he wants to kick the ball. It's a small ball, so it does little extra damage, but it gets him moving his little legs and running around the living room. Sometimes I can get the older kids to do this, and they're good at doing it until he's ready to fall to the ground in exhaustion... which is pretty much the purpose of the plan.

At this point I can feed him, or read to him, or get him to sit still long enough to trim his little fingernails. And you moms and dads know what I mean about that. Ever try to trim a high-energy kid's fingernails when they're hyped up??? Best of luck to you.

Try the ball-kicking activity. Your chances of success with nail trimming or accomplishing much of anything with your child will increase substantially after he's well exercised.

Take care! And get some rest!

Parenting the high-energy child

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 21:15:00 +0000

Wow! I have a two-year old son that just never stops. And regularly I get asked how to parent a high-energy child. It's funny, because there's no magic answer (there are several tricks, but no magic unfortunately).

From experience, I automatically respond, "get as much sleep as you can." And that answer is followed with laughter. But I really believe it's true, a well-rested parent is much more likely to have good responses to a child who just seems to never, ever stop.

I have seven kids, and my youngest is the high-energy kid. You'd think God would have cut me some slack and sent the busy-body when I was younger, but I'm convinced that he's got a sense of humor and decided to wait until I was far more tired.

The good news is that I have some older children who can help me chase the little guy around. The bad news is that the other kids think he's quite a riot and so they feed his energy.

Some things that help parents in need? Well, I know that a schedule helps immensely. Try to keep your child on a solid schedule. Tired, high-energy children are far more difficult to handle than well rested ones. You might think they'll run out of energy if they're tired, but experience tells me that they just get cranky and use all that energy for destructive behavior — and that's when you're really in trouble...

So, as the loving tough-love mom and coach that I am, I'm suggesting that you schedule yourself some good sleep time, keep your toddler or pre-schooler on a tight schedule, keep the healthy foods going in (for you and your child) and don't wait for him to get too tired.

Last night my toddler decided to throw a ceramic plate off the table because his food wasn't ready yet. The plate didn't make it. The floor was ok. And I learned to get him strapped into his high chair sooner, rather than later.

Happy chasing!!

Teenagers are great!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:28:00 +0000

I'm a mother of 2 teenagers and a bonus mom of 2 more teens. There are days I'm certain that I'm the most out of touch parent in the world. I don't know how to dress, I am an embarassment to my teenage daughters, and I can hardly wait for the day my son tells me not to get too close to him in public.

But, as a mom, I still love these years. Last night I squished down in the couch between my 14 & 16-year-old girls and they sat there, stuck, like I had just upset their comfortable worlds by sitting between them while they were watching one of their favorite shows. I grabbed my 14- year-old and said "get over here!" I tucked her under one arm and pulled my 16-year-old over so that she sort of "tipped" until she was leaning on me still rather stiff. It was quite the struggle, but as an outsider, you would have thought we were snuggling.

As they continued to tune into their show, they slowly got comfy until my 16-year-old plopped on my lap and said "mom, my neck hurts." That was a signal that she wanted a neck rub — but it was also a sign that she was snuggling in and remembering who I was... her mom. It was also the transition from "I'm too cool to snuggle with my mom" to a remembering that mom is always around to rub a neck, fix a hurt or listen to a complaint.

Sometimes it takes squeezing in between them to get their attention. But sometimes the attention is just what they need to bring them back from the teen world to ours.

Happy weekend!!!

Parenting Resource for YOU!

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 18:53:00 +0000

Hi all!

Today's my youngest son's second birthday, so we have reason to celebrate in our home. Plus, I was honored to be invited to share my knowledge on another parenting website — so today's a pretty good day in here in Wisconsin!

I've just been invited to be an advisor on the Parental Wisdom website (www.parentalwisdom.com) and I wanted to share this site as an additional resource for you. You can email your questions once you become a member on the site, and then 3 or 4 of the advisors will provide you with an answer to your parenting challenge. You can also read the responses to other questions and see if any of the parenting advice resonates with you... Just another resource to help your parenting journey be a wonderful one!

Happy day!

Just a Little More Time

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 14:31:00 +0000

Working moms and dads just want a little more time. The rush-rush-rush of life has gotten to be too much and we parents are really feeling it. An article in the Huntsville Times seems to capture the sentiment quite well:

http://www.al.com/business/huntsvilletimes/index.ssf?/base/business/
1147598380219180.xml&coll=1

But what are we to do about it? That's where some good tools come in to play. For instance, when's the last time you said "no" to something that you really didn't want to do? When's the last time you turned the TV off and unplugged the phone to opt for family time without interruptions?

Our rapid pace, full work days and regular responsibilities seem to snowball, leaving us feeling worn down, worn out and just plain exhausted. I recommend change for families that is a little like going cold turkey, for instance: Throw the breaker in the house on a fall day and pretend that the electricity went out. You'll save a few bucks and if you do it at night, you can enjoy the candle light, the time together (because no one wants to be alone in the dark) and if people really get bored, just do what they did in the "old days," sing a song, turn the radio on or play a game. Then when you've had enough time together, go throw it back on without others knowing.

As the parent, it's your responsiblity to take action towards change. If you don't, I can pretty much guarantee that it's just going to stay the same... And let me tell you, the time flies by and pretty soon they're in college and you're wondering why you didn't make the time. Don't go there. Start now. After all everything you do is a CHOICE – you may say "I can't," but I ask you to be honest and admit that what you mean is "I won't." There's very little we cannot do. And yes, sometimes fear keeps us complacent.

If you need a little motivation or some tools to fight the fears, call me. I'll get you headed in the right direction and you'll never look back!!!

Teen Challenge in a Blended Family

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:22:00 +0000

A recent survey produced this question. My answer is below and the general concept can be applied to parenting teens through tough issues — start by simply putting yourself in their shoes:

What is the best way to handle a situation where 2 teens have been attracted to one another since before our relationship brought them into the same house... the jealousies of one another, the drama and games they play, their closeness and distance from one another, and how to help them and support them in their decisions with relationships and friendships as a result of their closeness and desire for a relationship, which they have been keeping at bay?

If I understand this correctly, these two children have been attracted to each other since prior to the time when you and your spouse were married. If I don’t understand the question correctly, then my entire response will not apply.

I have to say first of all, that bringing two teenagers together in the same household is a challenge when they are NOT attracted to each other, so you have your work cut out for you.

My first question to you is this: What would you have done if your parent put you in the same home with your teenage love? I want you to go all the way back to the strongest attraction you had prior to age 20. I want you to remember what it was like to be together and what it was like to have to be apart. I want you and your spouse to sit down and experience this vividly and discuss this together (without the kids).

Then I want you to discuss how you think the kids feeeeeeeeellll – how being stepsiblings now complicates these feelings of attraction and makes something that may have been a normal teenage attraction into something that now feels somehow inappropriate.

Next, I would like you to remember back to when you were a teen and someone told you that you couldn’t have something. Did you want it more? Or less? How did that make you feel?

Now, I’m leading a little here, but I want you and your spouse to really feel the attraction and the power of wanting something that you really can’t have. And I want you to remember some of the decisions that you made as a teenager that maybe weren’t quite perfect. I want you to remember very specific examples of times that you considered doing something that you would NEVER want your teenager to do.

Ok, enough with the set-up. If you weren’t convinced, you should be now. You have a challenge here. The challenge is in understanding what those kids are going through and then letting them know just how completely you understand. The reason you need to put yourself all the way back into your teenage shoes is because the only way your kids will believe that you understand them, is if YOU REALLY DO.

And right now, those two kids need you to understand. If they KNOW you both understand, it will make everything a whole lot easier for them.

If on the other hand, you do not understand, refuse to understand, or are afraid of communicating that you really do understand, they will feel as though they have no one to talk to - except each other. And right now, they need YOU.

Spend a couple of days feeling just how it would be to be them - and then sit down with them and have a nice, long, kind, loving discussion over a bowl of soup, a cup of hot tea or while laying on lawn chairs in the backyard.

Don’t get in their face. Don’t force them to talk about it. Don’t make them have eye contact with you - because this stuff is uncomfortable. Tell them you know that you made it difficult for them but that you are willing to work through this with them. Explain how you’ve taken the time to really consider what they might be going through. And promise them that no matter what happens, you will try to understand.

Build the trust so they will come to you instead of hiding from you. Keep the lines of communication open. One talk will not fix the problem - consistent understanding, open ears, calm responses and a true COMMITMENT to really hearing what they have to say is the path that these kids need most.

Thanks for asking.

Nurturing Your Amazing Kids

noreply@blogger.com (Julie Renee) — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:12:00 +0000

I have people write to me and ask questions. This is one that I find really intriguing, so I'm posting the question, and my answer here:

How can I get my child to see that he/she is as amazing as he/she really is?

First of all, I LOVE this question. Here is my answer:

This may sound funny, but I want you to check-in with yourself here and make sure that YOU firmly believe that this child is amazing. I want you to write down every single thing that you can think of that is amazing about your child. I want details - like “a terrific sense of humor,” and “a flair for saying the right thing” and “a gift for giving love” and “a special affection for seniors” and “a unique free throw style” and, well I hope you get the idea. I want everything - and not just physical features that are appealing, I want talents, gifts, the very essence of their heart. I want it ALL and I want it on paper.

Then check-in again. Do you believe this child is amazing? Of course you do! But now that you’re in the moment of really feeling it, it will come through so much better when you talk to your child.

So why doesn’t the child believe? Well, I’m guessing that there have been messages that the child has received that made him or her believe that he wasn’t quite so amazing. And I’m not placing any blame here. The message may not have come from you. It could have come from anyone that has had an influence on the child including TV, grandma, the movies, the neighbor kid, someone on the bus. Doesn’t matter, someone put some doubt in your kid’s head – and there it sits today.

Your job is to help them take what they think to be a truth and reveal to them that it is not a truth, but an opinion of someone who was wrong: dead wrong.

See, we take in things when we’re small and we lock them into our little heads with the best tools we have at the time. We see them as life lessons and we learn from them. What we don’t learn is that some of those lessons aren’t accurate. We need mom and dad to help us discover which lessons were inaccurate. Or we wait until we’re much older and have adult skills and then we uncover them ourselves after years and years of letting them impact us.

I haven’t shared any experiences of my own in this e-book yet, but I will share one now. My husband has told me for years that I am beautiful. For years, I never believed him. Six months ago, I discovered that he was right. Sound crazy to you or maybe egotistical? It’s not meant to be. Not at all. But when I was a kid, my mom would always have me show my pretty new outfits to my dad and say “isn’t she beautiful?” He’d crack one eye over the newspaper and grunt something indiscernible. I figured it meant I wasn’t even worth looking at. And up until 38 years of age, I was convinced that indeed, I was not beautiful.

It wasn’t until I realized that my father was not comfortable providing compliments that I realized that I misunderstood his grunts. It was not that I was not beautiful in my new dress at age 5, it was that he couldn’t tell me that I was beautiful - and there is a very critical difference between how I interpreted it and how it was meant.

But, this isn’t about me. It’s an example for you to show you how even the smallest of reactions can have a long-lasting impact on our self-esteem. And so now you need to search out what may be the underlying cause of your child’s inability to see how amazing he is.

This will take some time and excellent questioning skills played out over many discussions — or if you’re lucky and you sit on her bed in the dark (dark is nice because the pressure is off of the face-to-face parent stuff) on a night she’s willing to share with you, you just may find out in a single discussion. And then you can help her understand how she misinterpreted the message.

And then you can share your list — because now is the perfect time to tell her all the amazing things – because right now, she’s listening and is learning that her old perceptions may have been wrong and that there’s new valuable information to be taken in.

Parents, show your children how amazing they really are. Amazing children grow up to be amazing people and amazing people do amazing things.

My dream is of a world full to the brim – of amazing people.

Thanks for asking!