Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Be “involved,” not “resistant.” >>Listen

This week’s tip came right out of the mouth of the mother of two boys, 11 and 13. Jennie is one of the most caring and smart moms I know, and although she uses technology for her job, and she’s a relatively competent computer user, she said she was “resistant” to more technology in their lives. And until she invested some time to really understand the point of view of her sons - who are digital natives - she thought she could leave well enough alone. Upon further reflection, however, she says she wants to be involved, not resistant.

It’s helpful to consider the attitude you project when it comes to your teenagers and their use of technology and the internet. (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Look Beyond the Obvious >>Listen

Carol wrote to me two years ago complaining of her daughter’s lack of communication. At the time she said, “What do you do about a teen that won’t communicate? My daughter shuts down, says nothing, stares off into space and just shrugs her shoulders in response to conversations about anything that might be uncomfortable.” Interestingly, I just heard back from Carol again who wanted to let me know the issue was resolved and her daughter is now happy, communicative and preparing to graduate and go off to college. Carol said something significant: “It really was a very short turnaround once we recognized the problem for what it was.”

You see, at the time Carol almost fell into the trap of believing that her daughter’s behavior was “normal” teen behavior - many parents attribute this kind of teen behavior to bad attitude, defiance, laziness or what have have you. (more…)

My tip this week is Solicit Your Teen’s Opinion >>Listen

Charles didn’t know what to think last summer while on vacation with his wife and 13 year old daughter. They were looking for a restaurant for dinner after a long and grueling drive and when he glanced in the back seat at his daughter he saw that she was crying. He was stunned and clueless about what was bothering her. He later learned that she was upset because she hadn’t been consulted as they were selecting where to eat…and truthfully she was upset because this wasn’t the first time this had happened on their trip. He learned that his daughter’s perception was that they weren’t taking her feelings or opinions into account. These caring parents had inadvertently made their daughter feel very unimportant.

Clearly she is a sensitive child to have had this bring her to tears… and it serves as a great example because you might wonder how many times you may have inadvertently hurt your teen’s feelings and not known it at all. At least these parents were able to tune in, repair the damage and behave in a more sensitive fashion. (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Meet your teen more than half-way >>Listen

Adults are usually pretty accustomed to compromise. In fact, adults usually understand there are times you must be willing to meet people half way and to make compromise easy. Thing is, there is a different set of rules to apply when you are compromising with your teenager. I call it the 70% solution. Here’s the way it works:

If you and your teenager’s combined effort toward a common goal equals 100%, you need to be prepared to make 70% of the effort. (more…)

My tip this week is Notice your moments of perfection >>ListenI was at a family event last month that still has me smiling on the inside and outside. Everything about the day was memorable… it was perfect. And I found myself saying aloud “All you need to know about perfection is to notice it when it happens.”The kind of moments I’m talking about can’t be organized, orchestrated or planned for. (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Recharge your batteries >>Listen

Patrice, mom of 3 teenagers, complained to me about one of her sons last week. She said “Everything is a struggle with him! He negotiates every point, he is difficult and obstinate and challenging every inch of the way. It’s simply exhausting!”

Some teenagers are like that…. And it can be exhausting for a parent. (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Be the Calm in the Storm >>Listen

This two-minute-tip is easier said than done, I’ll readily admit it. But it’s really important that you try.

Marcia has a teenager with bi-polar disorder and depression. Over the years she has faced drama, confusion, fear, despair and challenges you and I can only imagine. One big lesson she has learned is the importance of parental calm. She said to me “If your child is in turmoil, the best thing you can do is be calm.” (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Make your decision and move on. >>Listen

Parents often face decisions and choices for which there is no clear right answer. Jonathan and Nicole have been struggling with a situation like this. Their son Sam had committed to participate in a rather special and time-consuming volunteer program early in the school year, but here they are in the middle of the year and everything about that commitment looks different. For some very good reasons, their son wants out and as the parents are reevaluating the situation, they wonder “when is it okay to allow a kid to renege on a commitment? When can a parent be flexible on such a thing, and when does one stay firm?"

This choice between being firm and being flexible is one that parents come across frequently. And it’s rarely clear what the best choice is. (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Take Inventory of Everything you Love About Your Teen >>Listen

The beginning of the new year comes with numerous traditions… including taking inventory and setting goals.  I’d like to encourage you to take inventory too… take inventory of everything you love about your teenager.

Now, if this sounds like a challenge to you, it means this exercise is extra-important. Yes, those of you who are dealing with the most ornery of teens need to do this exercise the most! (more…)

Hi – Sue Blaney here with your Parenting Tip from Parenting Teens Info.com

My tip this week is Bite your tongue.

Carrie Ann found herself in an interesting situation with her two kids last week. Michael is in 8th grade, and he and his younger sister Anna were in the car with their mom. It came up in conversation that a neighborhood girl had been passing around a cigarette at the bus stop earlier that day. Frankly, Carrie Ann was shocked, and nearly stopped the car. She said her typical response would have been to launch into a lecture.

Smoking is one of those hot-button issues that gets Carrie Ann going… she holds a high value on a healthy lifestyle, and considers it part of her job to teach her kids about this topic. She told me that she thought to herself “I should be lecturing them now… this is one of those teachable moments…” but instead, she tried a different strategy. She has been listening to my audio program on improving communication with your teens and she had my words ringing in her ears… “Listen, listen, listen!” So she bit her tongue. Instead of lecturing, she listened to what her kids had to say about the topic. And what a revelation it was! She heard her son express that smoking is disgusting to him… and she didn’t have to say a word.

When Carrie Ann probed, she asked her son “How did it make you feel when those girls were passing around the cigarette?” That’s a great open-ended question, and it did exactly what it’s supposed to do. Her son opened up more, sharing his point of view about all the many reasons smoking is unpleasant and undesirable. Carrie Ann was delighted to hear him say this. She said to me “Now I know my son really is hearing what I have to say!”

You can’t listen when you are speaking, so biting your tongue can be a helpful thing to keep in mind when you want to communicate well with your kids. That and the strategic use of an open-ended question yielded a far more valuable conversation than any lecture could ever do.

Thanks for subscribing to my Two-Minute Tips for Parenting Teens ……. til next week, I’m Sue Blaney.