What do you think about when you think of home? Do you have warm memories that bring you thoughts of laughter, good food, feelings of being loved and cared for? It’s possible that wasn’t your experience as you grew up and passed from childhood into adulthood. Your past does not have to define your future.

A woman is the heart of the home. Through loving hands and loving heart the very nature of God himself is expressed. He was the first one to create a beautiful place for his own creatures to enjoy. It’s in his heart to make a place of comfort, warmth, happiness and then say, “Enjoy. It is for you.”

I believe that a woman reflects this aspect of God’s essence. God has mysteriously placed in women this ability to reveal the love and nature of God in her home for those she lives with.

I’m thinking about all this because yesterday was Valentine’s day.

As I gathered with a group of my 8thgrade students to lead our weekly Toastmasters group, we were all sitting around eating our lunches and talking. Unexpectedly, Gavin pulls out of his lunch bag an appealing, heart-shaped cooky, smothered in pink swirly frosting. We all stared, enviously.  “Whereʼd you get that?” someone asked.

“My mom and I made them last night,” Gavin answered, a little sheepishly, but mostly with pride (Go, Adrienne!) “Wow,” we all looked with admiration at the desirable cooky.

When our kids were young and all at home and around, creating special moments was natural in the flow of our lives. As children turn into young adults and have many other centers of interest and activity, it’schallenging to create the gatherings that have meaning, warmth, and memory because everyone has his own plans. To stop and say, “Hey, it’s important that we get together,” is sometimes resisted because of  the busyness of our lives. But gathering around significant days carries with it a unique kind of regeneration. My French-Canadian mom used to say, “It recharges your batteries.” I can see the truth of what she meant–gathering together for the special moments renews us–in who we are, our identity, what makes us laugh, what is important. We leave with a sense of wholeness.

Mom is the key. Itʼs the mother who can make a difference.

All this to say, I pushed through. I came home from school and made chocolate chip cooky bars that I cut out with a heart shaped cooky cutter and frosted (white with pink sprinkles!). Judith helped me put together some hors d’oeuvres, we invited some friends, and made the time together an event.

As I reflect on the fun we had–the laughter, the conversation-, the renewing-Iʼm grateful that we took the time.

And, I think Gavinʼs special treat is what made me take the step forward yesterday to make sure that I didnʼt let my last moments slip away where I could still be involved in creating some pink cooky memories  for those that I love.

Thanks for reading our blog.

Warmly,

Trish

Contact us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

My son Will sent me an article from the Canadian Medical Association Journal. Its title clearly says, “Spanking Undermines a Child’s Long-Term Development.”

I knew I shouldn’t have spanked him for standing up in his high-chair at age two. It made him more aggressive and violent. The last time we were at his house, we sat down to eat and Will stood up in his chair. His 6’3″ frame towered over the table and guests, frowning down upon us, and looking like his undermined development was about to act out in chaotic violence. We all cowered in fear.

Just kidding!

I read the article. How do we respond to stuff like this? The first thing I look for is the definition.

How do they define spanking? Here is their definition: “Physical punishment refers to any type, regardless of motive, be it out of frustration, desperation or love.” Any type of physical punishment can mean anything from slapping in the face to burning them to hitting them with a 2×4. In other words, the definition is very broad. It can include hitting across the head, the torso, using the fist, whatever. In other words, violent parents will produce violent, aggressive kids. Or maybe anxious, depressed kids. Or maybe drug and alcohol addicts. I don’t disagree with that.

But there are a lot of parents who spank their kids who are not violent parents. They are reasonable, self-controlled parents who spank their children in order to correct them and keep them out of trouble. They discuss and explain, spank on the rear end, talk some more, hug, and get back to life knowing they did the best thing for their child. I do think that how you spank matters.

I also think the motive matters. Frustration and desperation are very different from love as motivations. Here’s what happens too often. We read articles like this and think that maybe we shouldn’t spank our kids, so we try to avoid it. Then we get frustrated or desperate; and when we finally do spank, we are out of control ourselves. We become “violent parents.” Then we feel really bad and say, “That article was right.”

What if we spanked our kids before we got frustrated or desperate, while we were still reasonably sane?

What if we spanked them simply because they did wrong?

What if we knew what deserved a spanking and what needed a different kind of punishment?

What if we spanked them because we loved them enough to correct their destructive actions?

What if we spanked them for their benefit and not for our frustrations?

These things might make a difference.

Thanks for letting me express some of my frustrations to you. I trust you don’t feel punished.

You can contact us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

We would love to hear from you.

"Baby Landon's father, Marine LCPL Carpenter, made the ultimate sacrifice while serving with the 3/8 in Afghanistan earlier this year.. a month before his son was born." Used by permission/Inarastudios.com

This is not a biological statement. It is a character statement. Any dog can produce offspring. But dogs do not father their offspring; they could care less. Fathering means self-sacrifice.

The first step toward fatherhood for most of us comes with our wedding vows. We promise, but we don’t really understand. We vow to love and cherish for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. It is a vow of self-sacrifice. I look back at those vows and think, “I had no clue.”

Our son Patrick spent four months in Kenya, Africa, alongside our friend Larry Neese. The Kenyans loved Patrick, but in their culture he was not allowed to teach men because he was not married at the time. He was simply not considered a man until marriage. There is wisdom in that tradition. Many times in our own culture, the experts have researched and read the books and written the books but have not lived the life.

Fatherhood requires living the life. It requires laying aside the self and paying the price for the welfare of the next generation. The next generation will only succeed, will only survive if it has fathers.

The men who established our country are called fathers because they sacrificed in order to bring their beliefs into reality. It cost many their lives and their fortunes, but they willingly, consciously paid the price for those who would follow after. They were fathers. This is what fathers do.

Paul Vitz states it simply: “The world is hungry for examples of non-selfish men.”

Abraham was a father in his nature and in his spirit long before he became a biological father. He was a “father” to Lot. He prayed for children he did not yet have. He saw the future; he built wealth for those who would follow after him. He risked his fortune to rescue others.

Modern ideas of manhood swing from the sensitive, no-conviction, no-commitment male to the independent, promiscuous loner who is left standing when everything around him is destroyed. Family is rarely in the equation.

Marriage and family call a man to fatherhood like nothing else. The nature of eruptions, disruptions, and interruptions require a commitment that will challenge a man to stretch himself, to grow, to make sacrificial choices. It is challenging, frustrating, and difficult. He must become other-centered or he will not be a father, and he will not be a godly man. He must see beyond his own comfort, even beyond his own lifetime.

Fatherhood requires that a man overcome, that he live for something beyond himself, that he live for the future, that he draw strength from the Eternal.

Men, this year, let’s rediscover what fatherhood is all about. Let’s help others, let’s lead sacrificially, let’s earn the respect we desire. Let’s be fathers to our children, to those in our community who have no fathers, to those who will come after us.

I would love to hear from any who would like to add your thoughts to this. Contact me at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

Last week I wrote about our family picture shoot and my own impatience in the process. I asked for any other stories that you might want to submit, mainly so that I wouldn’t feel so alone in the role of spoiler. Thank you, Amy Kendall, for sending your pics and for your brief narrative.

Amy’s sister wanted everyone in white shirts for the picture, but somehow Amy did not get the word. In Amy’s words, “I don’t think I was a ‘picture’ of Christ that day.” The final result is below.

Communication snafu after snafu makes the world more colorful, wouldn’t you say?

Patricia and I will have been married thirty years this month, but still we hang up sometimes with our communication differences.

She asks, “What do you want for dinner?”

I say, “It doesn’t matter; I like everything you cook.”

“Would you like a salad or fish and vegetables?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“What about chicken and vegetables?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“What do you like?”

“I like what you fix.”

The difference is that when she says it doesn’t matter, it does; whenI says it doesn’t matter; it really doesn’t matter. She just can’t believe that.

Recently, I ran into Jennifer and her husband. I remembered when Jennifer had been sent to my office for talking too much in K4. At that time, I sat down with her and explained simply and clearly why she needed to be a listener so that she could learn. “If you talk too much, you can’t be a learner,” I explained.

She said, “ I like your tie.”

I noticed that her husband was not wearing a tie. Smart man.

Communication is a busy intersection that involves what is said and what is understood and what is felt and what is sensed and on and on. In other words, it is complicated. There is always more to it than just the words, there is the spirit, the intonation, the intent, the circumstance, the emotions of both sides.

A friend of Patricia’s had to meet with a lawyer to give a deposition. Things didn’t go well, and she was greatly discouraged when she came out. Patricia was there to console her with these words, “At least you’re not fat.” Amazingly, those words encouraged her. As a matter of fact, when her friend was feeling depressed recently, she remembered that time and told herself, “At least I’m not fat.” Then she laughed and felt better. Go figure.

This kind of communication makes no sense to me, but I do understand that something beyond the words was said . . . somehow. Perhaps it was this: I’m here for you. I care. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.

The attempt to communicate is better than shutting down. An argument with a teen is better than silence. The awkwardness of the moment, the discomfort of a show of temper, the obviously wrong choice of words are worth it in the long run. Even in our imperfections, we  communicate concern, love, presence.

So, let’s all keep trying. In the big picture, we’re in this together.

If you have a question or suggestion, please feel free to write us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

Thanksgiving was fun. All of our kids were home along with new spouses and friends.

Our meal preparations were lively as the bustle around the kitchen was full of laughter and stories and conversation and an overabundance of excellent cooks.

We moved the dining room table into the living room, added the leaves, pushed the breakfast table next to it and seated fourteen all together. It was delightful. That was Thursday.

Saturday, we planned to make a family picture. Family pictures tend to become aggravating events–worth it, but aggravating.

This year’s picture will probably be memorialized among my clan as the year that dad (that’s me) displayed my own lack of self-control. If the saying is true that “You can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that upset him,” then I was the smallest one in the picture.

Holidays should be free from stress, but we were invited to watch the Alabama/Auburn Iron Bowl at 2:30 with friends. A late brunch, multiple pots of coffee, a drop-in visitor, and changing clothes ended with this result: 40 minutes to drive downtown, take the picture and then drive back to catch the kickoff. I stressed.

I suggested changing the location. A warning look from my beloved. Silence in the room.

The awkwardness of the moment that I had created called for an executive decision. Guess who the executive was! Yeah, me. I decided that I could redeem the situation by deciding just to get going downtown as fast as possible and get it done. One van and one car. Off we went.

Now I was asking questions like, “Where are we going to get the picture made?”

The answer was “At the square.”

“Which one?” I asked.

“Bienville.”

Then the other car called and said that it would be by the ivy wall. I had seen an ivy wall downtown, so I headed there. Judith and her car saw us, and followed. The leader (me again) was clueless. No ivy wall.

We passed Cathedral Square. Good enough. We parked and found a suitable background. I glanced at the time–running late.

I vented.  

Maria’s brother Jaime was taking pictures. He said, “Smile.” Yeah, right.

We took several shots, making sure the trip–and my anger–weren’t wasted. Then back to the van and car, a silent trip to our destination, so all could “enjoy” football, fellowship, food, and fun.

Later that evening, after returning home, we took time to pray as we try to do when we are together, but something wasn’t right. O, yeah, me . . . again.

Do you think it hinders our relationships when our attitudes are out of whack? Do you think it hinders our prayers when our relationships are out of whack?

Yeah, me too.

Got a ‘family picture’ story you would like to share? Send it to us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net We’ll share the best one next week.

“He looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘NO!’ at the top of his lungs.”

“I told her she couldn’t go to a movie with her friends. She sneaked out her window and went anyway.”

“He’s always facing off with me when his father is out of town. He knows better than to do it when his father is home.”

Defiance is a mountain–a very big mountain–if you don’t conquer it. And the earlier you climb it in your child’s life, the better.

Let’s say your 3-year-old defiantly stomps his foot and says, “No!” What is he doing? He’s challenging you to the nth degree. He has absolutely dug in, and he’s not going to do what you’ve asked him to do. If spanking is compatible with your family values, this is indeed the time for a good swat on your kid’s tail, combined with a stern look that says you mean business. This look needs to say, “This is what I expect you to do, and I expect you to do it now.” With a younger child, consistency of expectation and follow-through wins the battle. And a period of isolation and think-time about his actions is also effective in changing the defiant behavior.

If your older child (age 10 and up) is purposefully defiant, then you have a much larger problem. You have a son or daughter you cannot trust.

What’s the answer? What works best with defiance is–all of a sudden, without warning–giving the child vitamin N (No) at every turn.

Child: “We gotta go. It’s time for basketball practice.”
Parent: “No, you’re not going. I’m not going to drive you.”

Child: “Can I have 10 bucks?”
Parent: “No.”

Child: “Can I go to Jack’s house?”
Parent: “No.”

Here’s what’s interesting and why this method works so well. These are always things you’ve let that child do in the past. Now, suddenly, you are not letting her do anything. Sooner or later (and usually sooner) the child wants to know why not. “What’s the deal? You always let me do that.”

How should you respond? Bamboozle the kid. You say, “Why don’t you spend a few minutes in your room thinking about why? When you come to the conclusion about why you think I said it, I’d be happy to talk to you.”

Then remove yourself from the proximity of the child so she doesn’t have the opportunity to try to argue and raise your blood pressure.

Most children, when left to themselves, will come up with the reason and will say, “I’m sorry.”

But that’s when you have to stick to your guns without shooting yourself in the foot. An apology from the child doesn’t change the fact that she goes nowhere for the day.

Now tomorrow? That’s a new day, and it should have a new chance.

But for the lesson to stick, the child needs to feel the consequences of defiant behavior. Sometimes it means you suffer too (not being able to go to an event you wanted to go to). However, letting a child do her activity that day, after saying “I’m sorry,” means she hasn’t learned anything.

And neither have you.

This article was taken from Kevin Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. Bold print is added by me for emphasis. Keith

We would love to hear from you. Write us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

John Medina, in his new book, Brain Rules for Baby, says that the research shows that four-year-olds lie about once every two hours and six-year olds once every ninety minutes. Some of these studies were done inside their homes, not in a clinic.

The Bible indicates that every man, woman, and child is prone to lie. (Only Jesus did not lie, but he did tell some whopping big truths!)

So what do we do about lying? Listen to this synopsis of one experiment conducted by Dr. Victoria Talwar in Montreal, Canada. They asked kids to identify three sounds without looking. They played the first sound, a siren; the kids got it easily. The second sound was a crying baby doll, and most kids got it. The third sound was a quick part of a Beethoven piece from a birthday card. The experimenter would play the sound but then announce that she had to leave the room. Then she would tell the child not to peek and that she would be back in just a minute. She would place a soft, stuffed soccer ball on top of the card and leave the room. Of course, almost all the kids peeked. When the experimenter returned, the children would say that a soccer ball had made the sound. They were asked if they peeked; most would lie and say, “No.” (NurtureShock, Bronson)

To encourage the children not to lie, they would read them a story. To one child they would read the “Boy Who Cried Wolf.” As you know, it ends when the real wolf comes and eats the sheep and the boy. The moral: Lie and get punished.

To another child they would read the story, “George Washington and the Cherry Tree.” The moral: Dad was proud of George for telling the truth.

Results: The “wolf story” made no difference. BUT . . . The “cherry tree story” inspired 75% of the boys to tell the truth and 50% of the girls.

Why did that story make such a huge difference? Here is what they discovered: “Children want to make their parents happy.”

Children are born with a desire to be in their parents’ good graces. The parent/child relationship is foremost. God made them that way. It is the original image of God in them longing to be expressed.

Application: The next time you need your child to tell you the truth, call them to relationship. Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commands.” He didn’t say, “If you don’t keep my commands, I’ll kick you out of the twelve.”

Try something like this:

“Telling the truth means more to me than a broken lamp.”

“Being honest with me will make me proud of you even though you may have scratched the car with your bike.”

We could even go a step further and say, “I will be proud of you and God will be proud of you, too. He created us to be the kind of people that tell the truth.”

If you would like to talk more about this topic, send us a note at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

“By 1984, the California legislature had created an official self-esteem task force, believing that improving citizens’ self-esteem would do everything from lower dependence on welfare to decrease teen pregnancy. Such arguments turned self-esteem into an unstoppable train, particularly when it came to children. Anything potentially damaging to kids’ self-esteem was axed. Competitions were frowned upon. Soccer coaches stopped counting goals and handed out trophies to everyone. Teachers threw out their red pencils. Criticism was replaced with ubiquitous, even undeserved, praise. (There’s even a school district in Massachusetts that has kids in gym class ‘jumping rope’ without a rope–lest they suffer the embarrassment of tripping).”

The preceding paragraph was taken from a new book by Po Bronson called NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children.

What are we doing to our kids? Are we preparing them for the future? Are we building their character? Are we giving them tools that will adapt to the uncertainty of the future that they may face?

Imagine the kid that learns to jump rope without a rope. What happens when he transfers to a new school in a new district? Is he prepared for what he will face?

What about the classrooms that do not use red pens? Or mark things wrong? What happens to that kid when he graduates and gets a job? Will he be expected to do real work or can he just “go to work” without working? Maybe his boss will be one of his classmates and he can pay him without real money. Wouldn’t that be great?

But we can’t blame it on the schools, can we? God just won’t let us do that. He gives the responsibility of raising children to parents–to us. We are challenged by the ancient and tested wisdom of the Bible to direct our children, to train our children, to discipline our children. We are also instructed to encourage our children (without flattery), to nurture our children, and to guide them in God’s ways.

Is it possible for us to direct our children without commanding? or train them without correcting? or discipline them without pain? Can we encourage them without words and nurture them without hugs and guide them without leading?

Let me be clear. You may not have everything you need to be the perfect parent. None of us do. BUT YOU HAVE ENOUGH. You have more life experience than your kids do. You have more wisdom than they do. You have more ability to see ahead than they do.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH! Use what you have! Use what God has given you. You will fail sometimes; you will stumble. That is how we learn.

If we think we can parent without commanding, or correcting, or disciplining, or conversing, or hugging, or leading, we may be just “jumping rope” without a rope.

We would love to hear from you. You can write us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net

Will, my son, is coming home this week for the wedding of a friend, Will Hightower. My son Will is traveling with his new bride of six months. Maria is a blessing and we look forward to their visit. As Patricia and I were discussing over dinner with Judith and Danny, I was struck by this thought. Will is married. He has a mate!

This struck me so poignantly because of Will’s “life verse.”  Each of our children has a life verse

that we believe God put in our hearts for them. Sometimes it came at their birth, other times at their baptisms. Regardless of the timing, we became convinced that the verses that we gave them had come from the Lord’s prompting and carried a prophetic hint to their future. Here is Will’s verse in its entirety.

Isaiah 34:16

Seek from the book of the LORD, and read: Not one of these will be missing; None will lack its mate. For His mouth has commanded, And His Spirit has gathered them.

Through much of his growing time, we emphasized the first part of the verse–Seek from the book of the Lord and read–yet today I recalled the rest. The last part of this verse we saw as a promise not only for Will but also for all of our children.

Each one will have his mate and none will be missing. How amazing it is to us to watch the Lord do his work, gathering them by his Spirit!

I remember as the kids were still very small that Trish began to pray for their mates. She prayed for their protection, for their salvation, for their life circumstances and for events that would lead them to serve Christ. She was faithful to pray this prayer over and over, again and again.

Today we are seeing fruit from those prayers.

So Will and Maria are coming for the wedding and for a visit with us. Another young couple from Atlanta James and Katie Williams will be staying with us for the weekend also. They too are here for the wedding celebration.

Today we are rejoicing. We rejoice that Will and Patrick have found mates. We rejoice that their friends have found mates: James and Katie and Will and Jeanette. We rejoice that marriage is honored among many in this younger generation. The light of God’s word still shines brightly in this country for those who have eyes to see.

They will need God’s help and God’s blessing along the way, and we rejoice that God is the same. He does not change. He will help them as he has helped us.

Keith (You can contact us at keithandtrish@parentwisdom.net)

We played Rook in college. It’s a card game and the trump card over everything else is the Rook. It’s the card everyone wanted and we used it to surprise our opponents, to strengthen our hands, and to fill in where our partners were weak. My roommate Dale loved to play Rook. But there was a problem; whenever he was dealt the Rook, he would caw. Yep! He would caw like a crow. Everyone knew who had the “bird.” It wasn’t a good strategy for winning the game.

We have also enjoyed playing Spades along the way. If we get the right cards, we can run the table and win all the hands. The key is to play our trump cards against the strong cards of our opponents until all they have left are their weak ones. Then we win.

As parents, we hold all the cards. We just don’t know how to play the game. We give away our secrets and then play our weak cards against the kids’ strong ones.

Let me explain. When our kids are small, we have all the insight, all the knowledge, all the wisdom to know what is best for our children.

Now here is an amazing thing. Many inexperienced parents are always asking their kids what they want, what they want to do, where they want to go. They are always giving away their strong cards. Then when it is time to assert a little authority, or eat the broccoli, or sit still in a meeting, the kids don’t get it. They have been calling all the shots and they don’t understand what has changed. So there is a little rebellion; and it was set up by the parents.

When our children become teens, they look like adults, and they feel like adults. They just aren’t adults yet–not in responsibilities and not in privileges. We still hold the strong cards. Our strong cards are called the car, the car keys, our signatures (permission for a minor to do almost anything), our long-range vision, and our money. Now we shouldn’t go around crowing about our cards, and we shouldn’t use our good cards against their weak ones.

Example: Mom and Dad give Taylor $20 allowance a week. For that they expect her to keep her room clean and help out in the kitchen. She doesn’t keep her room clean, she doesn’t help in the kitchen, and she doesn’t get the twenty dollars,

but

when a school event comes along, when she wants to go to a movie, or when she wants to eat out with friends, mom and dad cough up the cash. They give away their strong card.

Parents, you have control; use it. Use it with compassion and grace but use it. Use it with love and gentleness, but use it.

You hold all the cards.