Partner Therapy Group - Relationship Problems

Sex Drives Hit a Brick Wall....on Both Sides.

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:47:14 +0000

My fiance and I have been together for three years, engaged for over one. For the past 11 months we've been in a long-distance relationship when I had to take a job 1500 miles away - so we only see one another every month or two.

For about a year before I moved my sexual desire came to a dead stop. I'm still very much attracted to my fiance, but beyond kissing and cuddling I'm not interested. Now, until shortly after we got involved my fiance was one of those rare guys who never masturbated. At first his newfound 'hobby' didn't bother me too much.

Now that we live so far apart when we do see each other there are those 'expectations' that we'll have sex. Yet I am never in the mood, and I hate the fact that I'm only doing it because he wants to. I want to make him happy, but I want to be enjoying myself too! It's so frustrating. And now, this last time that I saw him, I realized that his masturbation has become an obsession to the point that when he and I went to have sex it just plain didn't work.

So now I feel like by giving the cold shoulder on sex I've driven him into chronic masturbation and erased any semblance of a sex drive he might have for me. The last thing I want is to spend our wedding night consecrating a marriage when I don't want the sex and he would rather finish with his hand.

Trust issues within our relationship

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:19:30 +0000

My girlfriend and I are have big problems in our relationship due to lack of or no trust at all. My girlfriend is feeling very insecure and emotionally unsafe with me, to the point of losing all trust in me because of things that I've said and done.
I told her about things that I had done in my past...for example...

When I was younger, I had kissed my friend's girlfriend, nothing eventuated from that kiss, it was just one of those things, but this left my girlfriend with doubts of whether this could or would happen again or if I'm capable of being faithful within our relationship.
I told her how I used to be the only male that lived in a flat with all these other women. Nothing happened between any of the girls and I, but my girlfriend has doubts because I was capable of kissing someone else's girlfriend.
I told her about sleeping with two sisters, on separate occassions unbeknown to me at the time, and because my girlfriend has sisters, she is now doubtful in this area also.
I told her how I had had a sexual relationship only, that had no emotional bond or ties. This went on for a time with another woman and this has left my girlfriend doubting my ability to commit emotionally to her and our relationship.

no oral sex from boyfriend

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:40:13 +0000

My boyfriend of one year was a virgin when I met him. It was no shock because we are both young. For this reason I understand being timid in the bedroom -- new experiences, high expectations, etc. However, after a year he has not once performed oral sex for me, whereas I have done so many times for him. I have made it clear to him that I understand why he hasn't, but also that it bothers me that he hasn't even tried. The fact that he is avoiding my intimate parts makes me feel like they are something to avoid -- I have the impression that he is a little afraid.
Is there any man or woman who could explain to me why he isn't performing oral sex? (besides things involving never having done it before) And/or how I could reassure him that there is nothing to be afraid of?
On the other hand, I don't want to pressure him into doing it, because for me, it has to come from his own desire.

thanks

Confused and frustrated, (wedding plans on hold)

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 11:08:18 +0000

I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for almost 3 years, and engaged almost 1 year. I have noticed recently that she has not been in the mood for sex, and when she did give it to me, she was just doing it because I wanted it, not because she wanted to do it. I confronted her and she told me the reason was that she was no longer sexually attracted to me. What a blow! I have since called off the wedding plans until we get this situation straight. I do extra things to try to spice things up in the bedroom, but since she told me how she feels, It has really turned me off. I no longer want to even attempt to engage in any sexual activities or forms of intimacy.. The problem is I have an extremely high sex drive, and masterbation is starting to get old.. I dont know what to do....

where to draw the line with porn? Whats fair and when do you break up?

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:34:38 +0000

Hello everyone

I've posted a couple of questions here in the last year or so regarding my bf's porn collection.
Surprise, surprise, its still going on.
A couple of months ago we fought about this, and he promised to get rid of his huge stash, and to stop buying it.
Imagine my surprise today when I lift this sac of porn which weighs abut as much as me. and yes, there is even a new magazine.

Im trying soo hard to be open minded. I know most guys look at the shit, and atleast his collection isnt violent or weird.......just damn barbie dolls. Who look nothing like me.
I know that no relationship is perfect, and no matter who i am with there will be always something wrong.
We have sex rarely, and Ive told him I think it is because he looks at porn. He denies this, but has promised to make more of an effort with me. He is trying, but its very slow. Also, he is doing all these "porno" things which dont really turn me on. So even though we are doing it "slightly" more, it sucks. What he thinks women want is warped by porn. I am finding myself completely unsexual, with not even an interest in solo activities.
Lately too, our ability to understand each other is failing as well. I feel like he just doesnt get me in the same way any more, like he is going further and further away from the female side of things. Our bond is lacking, and it could be because we dont connect physically either.

will my foot fetish ruin my life?

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 09:34:54 +0000

I am a 42 yr old male, single father of 2 young girls, 11 and 13. Since like the 9th grade, I have had an obvious attraction to the female foot. I have pretty much kept my attraction, or fetish, to myself, as many would find this a bit strange.

I was married for over 12 years to the mother of my children. She was very much on the straight and narrow and would of considered a foot fetish something very, very screwed up.

4 years ago, I left my marriage and became a single father for my 2 girls and they are my life. For the past 3 1/2 years, I have had a girl friend who is VERY much open sexually and although she found my fetish very different, she had no issues sharing it. She is a very sexy lady too. We had one of these " love/ hate" relationships and split a few times over many issues. During one of what I called our " mini splits", I went on a foot fetish forum site. A site where guys send stories, pictures and links to anything to do with the female foot ( legal disclaimers of over 18 too) My girlfriend actually new about that site years before, just hated me on it and said there was no need for it, as obviously I get all I need at home, right?

One of the submissions from that site talked about another forum site to look at, called " studentfeet.com". Since I didn't want to type it in my address bar, I googled it. It had pictures, postings and pretty much everything the other site had. My problem here is that one day recently my gf looked at my google searches and seen the website.

Looking for ideas to help me stop

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 21:28:25 +0000

Find myself being drawn to pay internet chat sites. At this point it's not even about sexual gratification. I've made some friends and also live out some mild fantasies. The disturbing part is that I can't stop and I'm spending money that I shouldn't. I'm in therapy but have a hard time discussing this with my therapist. Also fear SAA as I'm embarrassed to talk, in public, about this. Does anyone have ways to help keep myself away from these sites or know of any online support groups?

Confused about my anger

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 21:27:24 +0000

I've been married for 18 years and ever since my son left for college in August, I have noticed a change in my behavior towards my husband. He is retired and spends a lot of time in the lounge chair reading the news and doing other cerebral things. I resent his not doing his share of work here. I also get angry when he disrespects my work (walks through the house with dirty boots, for example). His lack of initiative drives me crazy, perhaps because I am so very motivated to improve my home and farm and I really like to do physical work. Hence, the problem I am encountering.
How do 2 different people maintain communication and a marriage? I realize the focus is off my son and probably I see too much of my husband each day. I need to tell you that I am a cancer survivor of 5 years and perhaps I am just plain scared at times. Most of the days I am hopeful, but when I see this 62 year old man not doing much, why does it bother me so much? My feelings for him have gone downhill since the cancer scare in 2003 and I am wondering if I should stay with him.

I need to know how to be better for my partner.

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 08:42:16 +0000

I am a 21 year old gay male, It has only been 2 years since I came out to the the world and fell in love with a wonderful man. I find my self being a jerk to him for no reason at all. I take everything he does and I turn it into a fight. I hate fighting but that is all we ever seem to do. My biggest thing is jealousy. I need to figure out how to get over it. I want to make this relationship work but I am unsure how to change myself to better us as a couple. I am really ashamed of my actions and I need to change them. Can someone help me please?

Why do I abuse my partner

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 18:39:20 +0000

I know no one likes to hear that someone is being abused in a relationship and i know that everyone always thinks thats its the female that suffers the abuse, but i hate to admit it, but i hit and shout at my boyfriend.

He is finally leaving me after 3 years together and i'm absolutely devastated. We've had such a hard time together, meeting at work, both separating from our previous relationships, him having 2 children. My ex husband has met my partner and i get on better which him that i did when i was married to him. My partners estranged wife however, still makes things as difficult as possible 3 years later.

I never thought it would be this hard. I thought that our love for each other would be enough to carry us through. But his guilt for leaving his children is so great, it clouds over everything.

I get so angry that i don't get much thought from him that i used to and i shout and i hate to say it, but when i have a drink, there have been occasions that i've lashed out and hit him and scratched his face. He has made excuses for me and i still did it again.

I hate the person i am and i love him to bits. i wish i had learned how to control my temper and anger and i wish i had done this so long ago. He is now in the process of leaving me. He says he still loves me but that something just clicked and he says he's not happy.

How do I cope with my boyfriend's depression

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:02:26 +0000

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I have had several long term, committed relationships, and I know what an amazing relationship we have. It's been absolutely perfect. Over the holidays, he became very depressed, and this was the first time I'd seen him like this. He became so physically ill we spend Christmas Eve in the ER. Since then, he has admitted that he needs help, and has seen his regular doctor who put him on anti-depressants, and also a psychotherapist. However, before he started getting help, he tried to end our relationship. I was shocked and distraught. However, after talking with him, he didn't really know what he wanted. Since then, I have given him some space, we don't hang out as much, but I try to be there to support him. Sometimes we hang out and it's wonderful, and sometimes we don't hang out at all, and sometimes when we are together I feel like he's totally not into me anymore. I have never suffered from depression and so don't understand what he's going through, even though I try. This is all very new to him, too, and I am trying really hard to be supportive and give him whatever he needs. He lost his dad two years ago, before we were together, for a motorcycle accident. I know from his family members that he has never really dealt with that loss, and I know that is a huge part of his depression, although he never talks about it to me. He has tried opening up a little bit more the past couple of weeks, but he still hates to "talk" about anything serious or emotional and that's hard for me because I just want to know what he's thinking and where he's coming from. I've told him that I don't think it's fair to US for him to make a decision about our relationship until he's healthy, and he's agreed. But how do we know when that time comes, and how long will it take? It's been about a month since he's started getting help.

Sex and love addiction

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 11:34:35 +0000

My husband of 14 years is a sex and love addict and also an alcoholic. He just spent two months at a rehab cetnre in Santa Fe and is currently at a halfway house in Miami for a further two months. I just wanted to connect with anyone who wants to chat about their similar experiences for advice and solace. My husband almost never wants to have sex with me and he also suffers with ED which is psychological. We have two kids ages 13 and 11. Two girls. The reason that my husband finally went into rehab was that my daughter and I walked into his office one afternoon and there on his computer screen for both of us to see was a woman masturbating. He was very ashamed and depressed and this prompted him to go into rehab. We have never had a good sex life and I have caught hom three other times in 12 years looking at porn at home but I never realised how serious the problem was until he went into rehab and admitted the amount of time he spends on the net. He has also used prostitutes three times since our marriage and been unfaithful with someone from his office once. I am finding it very hard to deal with the pain of his betrayal and also continue life with my kids, work etc. Does anyone have any advice to give or story to share. He is also a love addict and has fantasies of finding the perfect woman who would make him happy. And I always thought I did.

I have "ED" and she has an overactive Libido

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:01:31 +0000

I am a 72 year old widower. Dating a 65 year old widow. On our first date we hit it off right away.In fact she wanted to get me into her bed that night. I'm from the old school. I felt it was way too soon to go there just yet. She was ok with that. But she let me know, she has lived alone for seven years. She "needed her space" and doesn't want to get married or live with a man. I agreed to that. The next date at her place, we got into necking and heavy petting. Well being a man I said what the heck. Lest's go for it. This was when I got the schock of my life. When we got into bed I couldn't get it up. She tried everything to make it work. No Go. We talked about it. And agreed I must have "ED" due to me not having sex for the past 17 years, because my wife had too many medical problems which caused her too much pain and suffering. My wife and I gave up the sex.
I talked to my Doctor and he agreed about "ED". I'm looking into ways with him, to splve this problem. Then I found out she wanted sex all the time. I didn't think I could afford that for very long, but by then I was In love with her. She also told me she was in love with me. She admitted to me that she didn't know why, maybe she has an overactive Libido, or something like that.

My boyfriends weird sexual fantasy

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 13:17:50 +0000

Recently,

I told my boyfriend something very personal about me. I told him that I have sexual fantasies of being with other women. He took it well. Which suprised me because of his religious Christian upbringing.

It was after that that he told me his fantasy. And I don't know how to handle it.

He told me that he likes to fantasize about dressing up in womens clothing and having sex with other women. In his dreams he is a submissive girl. Wearing heels, skirts, makeup. But the part in the dream that confuses me even more, is that although he is still a man in the dream, he doesn't penetrate the girl. She penetrates him with a strap on.

He also told me that his first orgasm, was to such a fantasy.

He likes to cross dress for fun every once in a while. And I don't like it.

What he fantasizes about is his own business. But i know I can't be the one to help him feed it. I like the idea of being with a MAN.

I don't know what to do. He feels guilty for thinking about it, and I guess I want to know what this means.

Advice?

Please help with a once strong gay relationship

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 13:26:52 +0000

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and offer help and suggestions. I am a 23 year old gay man. I met my current partner about 2 1/2 years ago in Reno and we have been together for about 2 years.

Our relationship had always been strong, loving, caring. We hardly ever had problems, and the few problems we did have, were completely normal problems that were quickly solved. My partner had always been the one to show love more than I - we were truely unseperable.

We moved in together about 6 months into our relationship and have lived together since then, for about 1 1/2 years. Roughly 7 months ago, we had a problem where we were getting in pointless, stupid arguments often 2-3 times a week. One particular night during one of our stupid fights, my partner came out and told me he almost cheated on me last week. I was completely devastated at this, but me being a strong person we talked it over. I was still upset at the fact he "almost" cheated on me, yet felt releif that he did not. We both spent that night talking everything over, and promised to do everything in our power to no longer fight, and continue making the relationship stronger. At that point on, I worked very hard on making my partner happy, and he made me very happy too. We got a dog during that time aswell. I finally felt as if any of our problems were over and we finally were to start living a happy committed life because we both worked hard at what was important to us.