Pass The Chocolate

A Dena Story Without Dena

2008-10-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

The other day, Luke (my nephew) was sassing his father, Matt (Gavin's brother). Matt told Luke not to talk to him in that way. Luke's response? "But Mommy does."

I have no words - and that doesn't happen very often.

Go Me!

2008-10-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

You know what feels good? Feeling bloated, putting on your fatpants and realizing they are too big.

Go me!

(Yes, I am fully aware that I shouldn't obsess about my weight because of my most recent bout with my eating disorder. But, the good news is that my weight over the past two months has stabilized - which is just another reason I can say I *am* on my way to getting better!)

Christmas In July

2008-07-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

These people must take Christmas really seriously if they are throwing out their Christmas tree in July. Talk about tacky!

Easter Eggs

2008-07-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

For the next few minutes, please humor me and pretend that Easter was yesterday, okay? Imagine the spring weather, bright sunshine, Easter Sunday service, an Easter egg hunt. And Dena.

This year, Dena (my sister-in-law) hosted our family Easter lunch/egg hunt. And since it was at her house, she invited her family (including her creepy father).

The night before Easter, Dena frantically called and told me to bring a dozen eggs to dye. "Whatever you dye, you take home," she said. Three times. She also insisted that the eggs be raw "I'll boil them because they dye better when they are warm." And I obeyed (mostly because I didn't want to run to the store at 9:30pm and then boil the eggs).

When it was time to dye the eggs, Dena calls the (ten!) kids to the table and barks at the parents "if you don't watch your kid, no one will." Fair enough (but of course she has to say it in her bitchy Dena-way). She puts out a dozen eggs and the (ten!) kids dig in. Dena's niece grabs an egg and immediately drops it. Her mother yells at her for cracking the egg and the little girl cries because "the egg is hot!" In the meantime, Nicholas does the same, as does Luke (Dena's son, who isn't being watched by anyone and dropped his egg in the dye and now has red dye all over his Sunday-best white pants because no one had the foresight to change him out of his white pants before coloring eggs. (Okay, I did. But I was busy watching my kids because no one else would.)).

I reach over and touch the eggs and they are hot. (Not warm. HOT.) Dumb Dena just boiled the eggs and didn't let them cool before giving them to (ten!) kids under the age of six!

"Dena! Can you bring more eggs?" I call into the house. Dena comes out of the house with a WTF look on her face. I say, "We need more eggs. A couple were dropped and the kids have pretty much dyed all the eggs you brought out." "We don't have any more eggs," she says slowly (you know, because I'm the fucktard).

Apparently Dena (the brilliant woman that she is *snort*) didn't ask anyone else to bring eggs so there was only a dozen (that's 12, for you non-math majors) eggs. For 10 kids.

I won't get into the crying that happened when the (ten!) kids realized there were no more eggs. And I won't get into the yelling that happened when Dena discovered Luke's stained white pants. And I won't get into the fact that I still ended up taking home a dozen, cracked, dyed eggs.

Did I mention that I don't even like eggs? (Now, I hate eggs even more.)

(You can now stop pretending it's Easter and realize that tomorrow is the 4th of July. Happy 4th, everyone! Go forth and enjoy your right to a Dena-free weekend!)

The Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

2008-06-26T10:59:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since I've been around; I've been wrapped up with a sexual harassment lawsuit with my (now former) boss and wasn't able to blog about it while it was going on. And I just didn't feel like blogging about other things.

The good news is that is it finally O.V.E.R.

Now, you know I'm too proud a blogger to say "I've been wrapped up with a lawsuit that consumed my life" and not tell you what happened. So here goes...

At the beginning of the year, I switched projects (and bosses) which took me away from the computer.

There were a lot of things I liked about thew new job. But there was only one thing I didn't like about it: my boss. A few reasons why: He said the time I spent commuting to the communities I would never have gone to if I didn't have the job was NOT considered work time and he didn't want to reimburse me for gas (which, incidentally, is a company-wide policy). He is a micromanager and needed to know where I was every minute of the day. (Can you say control issues?). He liked to stare at my breasts. He talked about his 'relationship' with his mistress (yes, he's having an affair).

"The Incident" (as it would be called. Gotta love lawyer-speak. *snort*)
I was scheduled to present at a conference in the spring. My boss told me he couldn't afford for me to stay in a hotel because the airfare maxed out the budget (thanks to the increase in airfares).

I told him I would pay for the hotel out of my own pocket. He wouldn't allow me to do that as he was afraid the fiscal office wouldn't like that I paid for my own room but the grant was paying for his room. So I told him I would pay for my hotel but tell the fiscal office I was staying with a friend and did not incur any hotel costs.

And that's when it happened.... He said if I was to go on the trip, I couldn't have my own room (paid for by me) but that I would "just have to stay in his room where he had a king sized bed."

I immediately reported "the incident" which started "the investigation."

And it began. Lots of closed doors. Lots of whispering. Lots of people getting called in to speak behind closed doors. Lots of whispering. Lots of pointing. Lots of whispering. Lots of silence as I entered rooms and yet lots of whispering. I was alienated by colleagues and people I once considered friends. And there was a lot of whispering.

Then came the depression. Depression which sparked my eating disorder (which I had kicked for 17 years and 4 months). The wounds opened. The previously healed wounds of having been sexually abused as a child and teen.

And that affected my marriage.

It didn't take long before I was in a tailspin. My weight fluctuated in both directions - first, I gained weight. Then, I (not so slowly) made myself a skeleton. I wanted to disappear.

Gavin put me in an eating disorder day treatment program and I got myself physically healthy, worked on my mental issues, rediscovered my inner strength and dealt with "the incident" and "the consequences."

As for "the incident," "the investigation" and the "it's not really a lawsuit" lawsuit... There were lots of meetings, lots of closed doors and lots of tears. In the end, it was settled out of court with a monetary settlement to cover my medical expenses and "emotional suffering." I was moved back to my old division where a new position (with my old boss) was created for me. I was given one week of "not vacation but paid time off" and I start the new position next week.

And although I haven't made this public, I am looking for a new job. Probably in a new line of work. Although I like what I'm doing (and I'm damn good at it, too!) the professional community is small and everyone I encounter has heard some mangled version of what ~~didn't actually~~ happened and I need to know what my options are to keep myself happy professionally.

Despite all this, my kids are okay. In fact, my kids are great. They (and Gavin) were my saviors. If I didn't have them, I am sure it would have taken me much longer to get through this. MUCH longer. Their innocence and complete love was exactly what I needed to feel safe. I would hold that in my heart in times of utter despair and "being lost." In fact, I still do. And without Gavin's strength and love, I may have starved myself too death.

But you know what? Now, I am fine. I am healthy. I am ME.

(And I'm back to the blogging world. Boy, do I have a lot to tell you. First up: A Dena story!)

Sweet Memories

2008-03-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

The other day was the 10th anniversary of Gavin's grandmother's passing. Gavin was very close to Grandma and I've always joked that Grandma was his first love. He was wildly protective of her and would buy flowers for her on Valentine's Day. (For the record, he bought me flowers, too. But after Grandma died, Gavin didn't buy flowers for me for several years. I think it pained him to not buy flowers for Grandma, too.)

But, I digress...

On the day of the anniversary, we took the kids to the cemetery to place flowers for Grandma. Then we took them home and pointed to all the pictures of her we have hanging in our house.

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I started laughing. Gavin thought I lost my mind. But I didn't. I just had a memory flash of Grandma - one of my fondest. This morning, I woke in the best mood and I like to think it's because Grandma was with me while I was in such a peaceful state.

Here's the memory... (Maybe you'll find it as cute as I do.)

Years before she died, when we adopted a cat for Grandma and had the cat fixed. This is the conversation Gavin had with her about fixing the cat.

Gavin - Grandma, we're gonna get your cat spayed, okay?
Grandma - Why?
Gavin - So she won't have babies .
Grandma - They can do that?
Gavin - Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Grandma - And they're just gonna spray her? Wow. The things they can do nowadays.

Gavin and I tried our best not to burst into laughter (I'm not sure we did a very good job) and to this day, we still giggle about it. Grandma never did understand why the cat had to spend the night at the vet because "she just got sprayed" but she was happy the cat never had kittens.

Here's a picture of Grandma's beloved Bobbie.

The Bad, The Good & The Ugly

2008-02-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

The bad: I got the stomach flu while Gavin is out of town. (FYI - Few things suck more than being a 'single parent' with the stomach flu.)

The good: The kids didn't get the stomach flu (well, still crossing my fingers and hoping I didn't just jinx myself) and I lost 9 pounds in 5 days.

The ugly: When you lose so much weight so quickly and have already had two kids (and your skin is all stretched out), you can pull your skin about 2 inches away from your body.

My Life Is A Joke

2008-02-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

Gavin's cousin got married this weekend and Gavin's jazz combo played at the reception. And let me tell you... the singer of the jazz combo is gorgeous - by this I mean she is the most beautiful person I've ever seen in real life.

But anyway... at one point in the evening, the combo took a break and Gavin was chatting with Matt (his brother). In the meantime, Jenn (the singer) and I chatted - she wanted to know about Gavin's family and I pointed out Gavin's parents, Matt and Dena (Matt's wife).

Jenn noticed Matt was carrying his daughter, Jolie. I saw the look in her eyes and knew she wanted to carry Jolie (Jenn loves babies and especially lurves to carry them), so I asked her if she wanted to carry Jolie. Jenn said she would love to carry Jolie, if it was okay with Matt and Dena. Since Matt and Dena have always allowed Jolie to be carried by anyone (even as a newborn in the hospital, they insisted everyone carry her when they visited), I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

I said, "Matt, Auntie Jenn wants to carry Jolie." Matt came over and handed Jolie to Jenn. Jenn cooed at Jolie and Jolie laughed.

Not 30 seconds later, Dena came around, hit Matt, Matt took Jolie out of Jenn's arms, Dena took Jolie away from Matt and walked away, obviously upset.

Jenn felt awful. She didn't mean to upset Dena by carrying Jolie.

So I told her, "Don't feel bad. But if you think about it, it's pretty hilarious. In fact, this is the first time I've ever had a joke come to life in front of me."

What joke you ask?

This joke.

A man approached a beautiful woman in supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Shauna, Where The Hell You Been?*

2008-01-31T11:35:00.000-08:00

My posts here have been scant, at best. And some of you have noticed and sent me e-mails asking if I'm okay (thanks for the concern!!!).

Yes, I'm okay.

But my life has been turned around. See, my salary is paid by soft money - government grant money, to be specific. And grants in my field are becoming increasingly harder to obtain, which makes my job less stable since I usually go grant-to-grant. The good thing is even though I usually go grant-to-grant, my job duties largely remain the same.

But this time, a grant that we were all counting on getting didn't come through in time (we'll get it, but just not when we expected) and so it was either: let Shauna go until the grant comes in or find another grant for Shauna to work on. And since Gavin and I didn't want to lose my income for an unspecified amount of time, I opted for the latter.

So in November, I started working on a different grant. But this time, my job duties are totally different. I'm doing a lot of outreach in the communities which means presentations, corporate business attire, and lots of driving. Which means much less time ~~to blog and shop online~~ in the office.

So, as the family adjusts to my new schedule and I get used to my new boss (more on that later), posting will be sparse. But, e-mail me anytime. (ShaunaLovesChocolate at gmail dot com)

*actual quote from an e-mail from a reader.

8 Things...

2008-01-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

Zoe (the daughter of Colleen from A Madison Mom) wants to know 8 things about Nicholas and Elise...

1. Nicholas and Elise had the same due date (in different years). (Apparently I get pregnant best in November.)
2. They were both born 4 weeks early. Their birthdays are one day apart.
3. They are both named after family members.
4. Nicholas is a picky eater who doesn't sleep well. But he's big for his age. Elise is not a picky eater (at most meals, Elise out-eats him.) and she sleeps A LOT. But she's very small for her age.
5. Elise is a feminine little thing, but she can take a hit! When Nicholas hits her (or runs into her), she bounces right back up without crying. Sometimes, she'll go up to him, tackle him and pull him down. She's no pushover! (When Elise was 7 months old, Gavin caught the kids wrestling - complete with rolling over each other on the floor.)
6. Elise has a musical ear. She can mimic sounds, notes and rhythms the first time she hears them. Nicholas has a tin ear. He can't distinguish one note from another and doesn't recognize different rhythms without it being repeated over and over and over and over and over. And over.
7. They gave each other their nicknames. Elise calls Nicholas "Niko" and Nicholas calls Elise "Leecy." Those names have stuck and we often call them by those names, too!
8. When you ask each of them, they both want another sibling. I'm thinking this might be Gavin's doing. (He wants more kids. I don't.)

I'm not going to tag anyone for this, but if you want to do it, go ahead! And let me know because I'd love to read it!

Wanted: Your Opinion On A Hypothetical Situation

2008-01-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

Here’s a question for the internet… What is your opinion of this purely hypothetical situation? Because I don’t actually know any couples who would ever experience this. So let's just pretend I might possibly know people who just may behave like this. You know, on a really bad day. Just maybe.

The night before:
Spouse A puts some chicken in the fridge to defrost and makes a marinade for the chicken for dinner the next day.

The next morning:
Spouse B makes breakfast for the kids while Spouse A cuts the somewhat defrosted chicken and puts it into the marinade for dinner. Spouse A then does the dishes because otherwise Spouse B will complain after dinner that there is not enough room in the dish rack because Spouse B is physically unable to put the dry dishes in the cupboards and doesn't know how to load the dish rack properly thereby adding to the lack of space for the wet dishes.

As they are leaving the house, Spouse B says to Spouse A, "Have a great chiropractor appointment this afternoon!"

The afternoon:
Spouse A arrives home 20 minutes later than usual (but as planned due to the doctor appointment). From outside the house, Spouse A hears Baby tantruming and Child whining. Spouse A takes a deep breath and walks in the house: prepared to help with cranky kids. Child and Baby run to Spouse A; the tantruming and whining continue. Spouse A hugs the children and says to Spouse B, "Wow. I hope this hasn't been going on for too long." Spouse B glares at Spouse A and says, "You're late. Where were you?" Spouse A says, "At the chiropractor. Don't tell me you forgot because you mentioned it this morning. And holy shit, it's only 20 minutes later than I usually come home. You leave me alone with the kids all day on Saturdays. Every. Week." Spouse B grunts. (edited to clarify that Spouse B enjoys teaching piano lessons on Saturdays thereby leaving Spouse A to care for Child and Baby. Spouse A usually doesn't mind caring for Child and Baby on Saturdays. Except when Spouse B complains about being left alone with Child and Baby for 20 minutes.)

Spouse A takes the children far far away from Spouse B who obviously needs time alone. Spouse A plays with the children and tries to keep the peace between them (but fails due to Baby and Child being cranky on a Monday) while Spouse B cooks the already-prepared-and-just-needs-to-be-cooked dinner. Spouse B tells the family that dinner is ready but does not sit with the family and instead sulks in front of the tv.

Spouse A feeds the kids, washes the dishes and cleans the kitchen. Spouse B sulks in front of the tv. Spouse A bathes Baby and puts Baby to sleep while Child stands outside the bathtub whining about having to play independently. Spouse B sulks in front of the tv. Spouse A bathes Child, reads books to Child and puts Child to sleep. Spouse B walks into Child's room, kisses Child good night, walks back to the tv and sulks.

Now you tell me, hypothetically speaking: does Spouse A or Spouse B have more of a right to be upset and sulk in front of the tv?

And you tell me, hypothetically speaking, of course, which spouse was extremely pissy and moody for the rest of the night and never apologized to ~~Spouse A~~ the other for being a selfish ass?

Prayer Requests

2008-01-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

Today is Nicholas' first day back to school. When I dropped him off, I found out that several days ago, a teacher unexpectedly passed away. She was young (in her 40s), extremely vibrant and wonderfully nurturing.

While this teacher was not currently one of Nicholas' teachers, she was his teacher over the summer. And because the school is very very small, Nicholas still had daily contact with her. One of her sons was in Nicholas' class last year; he and Nicholas still played together during recess and after school.

Please think positive thoughts for the family (especially for the three young boys who lost their mother) as they grieve and transition to life without her. And please think positive thoughts for the teachers who must explain death to preschoolers.

Today, my heart is heavy.

Holiday Eating Tips

2007-12-19T14:30:00.001-08:00

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table doesn't know the Christmas spirit. If you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim milk, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January - when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and a vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Rule 7 applies to pies, to. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Yes, it's loaded with the celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. Have some standards, please.

10. If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Shauna's Guide To Job Interviews (or "Why My Job Blows")

2007-11-28T10:52:00.001-08:00

1. Use a normal email address. Don't use anything cutesy or annoying, like MyButtStinks@gmail.com (not a real address of an applicant). If you do, you're automatically put on the bottom of my list. Your e-mail address says a lot about who you think you are and I'm not hiring you if your butt stinks so badly that you want the whole world to know it.

2. Follow instructions. When I ask you to bring your resume with references to the interview, bring your resume. With references. Don't show up without your resume. You will not get the job.

3. Spell check your resume. If I see words like "experence," "wrok," or "universaty" on your resume, you will not get the job. (I'm guessing you didn't read the part of the ad that said "Attention to detail required.")

4. Use common sense. If you don't follow instructions (see #2) and thus drive into the wrong parking lot, don't call me from your cell phone and say, "You said I need to drive over the teeth, but that means I need to drive on the wrong side of the road and it
says 'Severe tire damage.' Should I still drive over the teeth?" No, don't drive over the teeth. Don't park your car. Just reverse your car and go home. The interview is over. (Yes, I know we didn't actually start the interview, but it is over. I already know you aren't getting the job.) If you do not have common sense, you won't get the job. (By the way, apparently you didn't see that above "severe tire damage", it said, 'Employee Parking ONLY.' Did you think you already had the job?)

5. If you choose to use 'big words' and 'proper terminology', please be sure you actually know what it means or you'll use it wrong, look like an ass, and not get the job.

6. Also, if you choose to use 'big words' and 'proper terminology' know how to pronounce them correctly.

7. Allow enough time for your interview. Don't let the first thing out of your mouth be "I only have 10 minutes for the interview." This shows you are not organized and not a team player (Hello! I organized my schedule around yours to fit the time that worked 'really well' for you!). You will not get the job.

8. Be sure you can meet the requirements of the job as posted. If the job is 20 hours a week and you can only "spare" 6, you won't get the position. Don't waste my time and yours.

9. Show up for your interview. When you tell me the 'only' time you can make the interview is in three weeks - a week after I would like to finish interviews - and I agree to schedule your interview for the time you are requesting, have the decency to show up. And when I call you to make sure you weren't (oh, I don't know) hit by a truck on the way to the interview, don't shrug me off and say, "Oh, was that today? I forgot. Can we reschedule?" The answer is NO, ~~bitch~~.

10. The professional community is tight. If you screw me and I hear you're applying for another position somewhere else now (or in the future), and I know who is doing the hiring, I'll be sure to call my friend and tell them about what you did - and vice versa. Because I don't want to be in a profession known for its idiots.

Reflection On Life - Two Lists

2007-11-21T11:07:00.000-08:00

What Drives Me Crazy
* Gavin
* Nicholas
* Elise
* my family
* my in-laws (especially Dena)
* my job
* balancing the family budget
* children with the flu
* puppies
* melted ice cream
* melted chocolate
* life

What I Am Thankful For
* Gavin
* Nicholas
* Elise
* my family
* my in-laws (even Dena)
* my job
* financial stability
* children without chronic or life-threatening illness
* puppies
* ice cream
* chocolate
* life

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Eye Opening Moment

2007-11-16T13:00:00.001-08:00

Nicholas has been driving me crazy lately. I know I've been short with him.

But it dawned on me - how unfair I've been to him - when I heard myself say, "Nico, thanks for a good day. When you behave, Mommy is happy."

Because how unfair is it that I make him responsible for my happiness?

Obviously, the current stress in my life (that's for another post) has got to be dealt with in a healthier manner.

Some People Are Not Fit To Be Parents

2007-11-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

When my niece was born, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law forgot they didn't have a carseat for the baby. Apparently, the carseat they had for Luke was broken and they didn't remember that until after Jolie was born. I still can't figure out why they hadn't bothered to install the carseat before Jolie was born (after all, she was overdue). My only explanation is "that's Matt and Dena (roll eyes)."

I helped Matt install the carseat in their car. At first, Matt wanted to see if they could keep Luke in the middle and put Jolie on the side. I told Matt to consider putting the newborn on the inside, but Matt said he didn't want Luke next to the door because he didn't want Luke to be able to open the door. (Hello! Child safety locks!) Whatever. In the end, we had to move Luke's seat to one side an install Jolie's seat on the other because it didn't fit otherwise.

Once the carseat was installed, Luke was upset because Dena wouldn't be able to sit in the back with him anymore. He told them to "put Jolie back where she came from."

When I heard that, I couldn't stop laughing (kids say the cutest things sometimes!). But I felt sorry for Luke. They obviously didn't prepare him for Jolie's arrival and it's going to make things rough on all of them. Poor Luke.

But enough about my annoying ~~outlaws~~ in-laws.

-------------------------------------

Here's a story for you...

We ran into Gavin's high school classmate. After he and Gavin chatted, the classmate turned to me, held out his hand, and said, "Hi. I don't believe we've met. I'm Richard. Gavin and I went to high school together." Gavin burst out laughing. Poor Richard, he was so confused. Gavin said, "Rich, man. This is Shauna. You dated her in high school!"

It's good to know I'm forgettable.

Richard apologized for not remembering me. I told him not to worry about it because, honestly, I had forgotten about it too. (We 'dated' for several months because his friend was interested in my friend; so we double-dated.) It was Gavin who remembered this.

My husband can be such a woman.

In his defense, the reason Gavin remembers that I 'dated' Richard was because he waited for me to stop dating Richard so he could ask me out.

Awwww.

~~My husband can be a sentimental sap.~~ It's good to know Gavin still loves me.

God Help My Niece And Nephew

2007-11-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

Matt and Dena (Gavin's brother and his wife) had their baby! It's a girl! They named her Jolie. (In my opinion, better than Regan (REE-gan), but not much)

Dena was overdue, so she was induced on Friday. Dena's doctor wanted to wait until Monday (today) to induce her (probably because he didn't want to possibly deliver this baby late on a Friday night or sometime on a Sataurday), but she insisted on being induced on Friday so Matt wouldn't have to take as much vacation to be with her.

But no thought was given to where Luke (their 3 year old) would be as she labored. In fact, when Gavin called on Thursday night to wish them well, we found out Matt was planning on picking up Luke from preschool on Friday. (Yeah, like ~~selfish~~ Dena will really let Matt leave her while she's in labor, even if it is to pick up their flesh and blood. And then what would Luke do? Would Matt take him to the hospital while Dena was in labor? Would Matt not be there at the birth of the baby?) Obviously, they didn't think this through at all. (In the end, my in-laws picked Luke up from school and took care of him - good thing, too, because Jolie was born at 9pm.)

This great plan to have Matt not take time off from work left Luke high and dry without a schedule and without his parents around. All. Weekend. Long. Poor kid. He was obviously feeling like the 'forgotten and used little boy' amidst the sea of visitors and being bounced from relative to friend to relative while Dena was still in the hospital and Matt was visiting with Dena and Jolie.

We offered for Luke to stay with us for the weekend; he could "bunk" with Nicholas and we'd even drop him off at school on Monday. But Dena declined because ~~she thinks Nicholas is a bad boy and possessed by the devil~~ she "didn't want to put us out." So, Luke went bouncing from person to person. Poor guy.

But, the thing that sent me into a complete tizzy was the phone call I got this morning from Matt. He wanted to know if they could borrow Elise's infant carseat/carrier so they could take Jolie home from the hospital tomorrow.

Holy shit.

These people were so worried about not using up their vacation time, setting up the nursery, and planning Dena's grandmother's birthday party (in two weeks, where Dena plans on taking newborn Jolie to a party with 200 people) they forgot they need a carseat.

This poor child. Talk about getting a bad start from the very beginning - like before you're even born.

Please pray for my niece and nephew because their parents are are obviously not equipped to have children. Or pets. Or plants.

(I hate to say I'm related to them. Thank goodness it's through marriage because I don't know what I would do if I actually shared chromosomes with them. Please don't mention the fact that my kids share chromosomes with their kids or I will end up in a ball on the floor eating my hair. Thanks.)

Hell-o-ween

2007-11-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I woke up looking forward to the day ahead of me: the kids being able to dress up at school/daycare and a fun evening trick-or-treating and passing out candy at my in-laws' house.

But, it was not to be.

Elise woke up tired and cranky and didn't want to wear her costume. I packed her costume in her bag, hoping she would feel more like wearing her kitty outfit when she got to daycare. Not only did she not want to wear her costume, but the children and teachers wearing costumes freaked her out and she had a meltdown when I left.

Because Elise didn't wear her costume to daycare, Nicholas decided he didn't want to wear his costume to school. So I packed his costume in his bag, hoping he would change his mind when he got to school. He didn't, but he was fine being the only one not in costume. (There are up-sides and down-sides to having an independent-minded child.)

The work party - that I was conned in to planning - was a small bust because a lot of people showed up without a snack to share (Hello, people! It's a potluck!) and too many people brought bags of candy, but it was a fun social hour nevertheless. Of course, I now have too many full bags of candy sitting in my office, but that's okay. Thank goodness I'm going to the gym.

The day ended with me leaving the office a half hour early, thinking I could pick up the kids early and we could start our Halloween festivities early.

Apparently I was not the only one with this idea.

After picking up Nicholas, it took me 55 minutes to get to Elise's day care - 12 blocks away. (Twelve fucking blocks! I would have been better off parking the damn car and walking, but there were no parking structures along my route and I couldn't get one street up to get to any of three different parking structures.)

After being 15 minutes late to pick up Elise (which cost me $15 because they charge a dollar per minute you're late), it took me 75 minutes to get from Elise's day care to my in-laws' house. 5 miles away.

The good news is the kids were very well behaved in the car - Elise fell asleep and Nicholas was content to color in the coloring book (I just happened to have in the car) and sing songs. For. two. hours.

When we finally go to my in-laws' the kids were starving (thankfully, the food was ready for them and they inhaled their food). After having full bellies, they were excited to dress in their costumes and head out for some trick-or-treating.

The rest of the night went like this: It rained. We got wet. The kids complained. Elise wanted to smash the candy. Nicholas got mad.

When we finally got home and put the kids to bed, I was exhausted, still wet and crabby.

But despite the crappy day, I'll do it all again next year. Except I'm picking the kids up after lunch instead of after work.

The Early Toddler

2007-10-26T13:40:00.001-07:00

Elise is at one of my favorite stages: the early toddler. Walking, but not running. Steady enough on her feet so she can navigate the playroom on her own. Careful enough to lie down and back down the stairs. Talking, but not talking back. Not yet saying "no" to everything. Her extreme curiosity about her new found freedom and the things she can now reach by standing and walking entices her to play independently. But she still wants to cuddle with mommy and daddy.

Her joy in the simplest items - items I don't even notice lying around my house - is refreshing. Yesterday, she found an old cassette case and walked around with it - proudly holding it out to each of us (including the cat). One by one, she showed each of us how to open it and delighted in the squeak it made as she did so.

As she flashes me a proud smile and shows me that she discovered a 'new' item (like a plastic Easter egg) or mastered a skill I take for granted (like standing on her tippy toes to get something just out of reach), I wish I could freeze time - if just for a moment - and bathe myself in the beauty, innocence and wonder that is a curious toddler.

Bad Baby Names

2007-10-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

Matt and Dena (Gavin's brother and his wife) are expecting their second child soon and they revealed the name of the baby: Regan (pronounced REE-gun).

Blech.

Before you tell me that it's not my child and I should shut up, let me tell you why I don't like this name.

1. I don't like the pronunciation. Or rather, the pronunciation with that spelling. I'm betting $1,000 that the child will be called "Ray-gen" constantly.

2. They don't know if it's a boy or a girl so the name will be used regardless of the baby's gender. This isn't a reason to not like the name, but it's more the 'oh, we won't bother looking for another name' attitude that bugs me.

3. But the main reason why it annoys me is they don't have a girl's name because it was stolen. By Dena's best friend. See, ever since she was a little girl, Dena wanted to name her daughter Megan. But when Dena's 'best friend,' Jan, was expecting before Dena was married, Jan asked Dena if she could use the name Megan because Jan and her lame-o husband couldn't find a name they liked and "Dena probably wasn't going to have kids because she would be pretty old by the time Matt married her." (Yes, she actually said that - Matt told me. Granted, it was probably a dig at Matt for not proposing to Dena sooner, but talk about a wicked thing to say to your 'best friend!!') (Oh, by the way, Jan is the 'best friend' who had the black lace maternity pants!)

In the end, I guess it's that I disagree with their naming practices and I'm mad at Jan for stealing the name before they had a chance to use it. But, whatever. I still don't like the name Regan.

But I do recognize it could have been worse... They could have named the kid John Blake Cusack Version 2.0, @, 4real or Metallica (great band, though).

The PTA Saga Continues

2007-10-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

The PTA at Nicholas' school had a meeting was on Wednesday night, but I couldn't make it for reasons I've already mentioned.

On Thursday, as I walked Nicholas to his classroom, we passed the-most-outspoken-GapMom-who-is-NOT-the-PTA-President and she said snottily, "We missed you last night."

What is with this woman?

I ignored her.

When I got back to my car, the PTA President and the-most-outspoken-GapMom-who-is-NOT-the-PTA-President were standing nearby chatting.

The PTA President smiled and waved so I smiled and waved back. The-most-outspoken-GapMom leaned in to the PTA President and said something snotty (I didn't hear the words, but heard the tone). PTA President said something to the-most-outspoken-GapMom and the-most-outspoken-GapMom had a look of surprise on her face.

By this time, I was in my car and driving away. I waved a goodbye as I ~~tried not to hit them~~ drove past them.

This morning, as I was loading Elise into my car after dropping Nicholas off at his classroom, I heard someone call my name. I looked up and the-most-outspoken-GapMom was running toward me. She sugarly apologized for having the PTA meetings scheduled for a day when I couldn't be there and babbled on and on about wanting me to be involved with the PTA.

What is with this woman?

Finally, as I was getting in my car...

Most-Outspoke-GapMom (MOGM): Hey, Shaun. [PTA President] told me it's your husband who works at [prestigious private school].
Shauna: Yeah...
MOGM: Well you see, I just sent in an application for my older son and I was wondering if your husband could put in a good word for him that can get him in.

So that's her deal. She wants something from me so now I'm her best friend.

I just didn't know how to answer this. I mean, what point should I make first? The one about how Gavin doesn't know this kid? The one about how she's trying to get on my good side by getting all cutesy-nick-name-y on me by calling me 'Shaun'? And how that doesn't work with me? The one about how we're saving Gavin's 'pull' so our kids have a little better shot of being admitted to the school? (Everyone thinks that our kids will get in just because Gavin works there, but there are plenty of teachers whose kids haven't been admitted.)

Instead I said, "Oh, I'm sure your son doesn't need any help getting in. Because, like you always say, he's perfect." And I drove away.

Sick Baby

2007-10-15T15:45:00.000-07:00

Elise gets sick more often than I wish. I don't know if it's because she brings home germs from her daycare, if it's because Nicholas brings home germs from preschool and 'shares' them with her, or if it just a part of being Elise.

Last week was more than a little trying. Elise had a high fever for days. We couldn’t bring the fever down with Tylenol and Motrin, so her doctor ordered blood work to rule out a serious infection.

Have you ever had to take an infant in for blood work? I’m not talking about a finger sticks. I’m talking about holding your baby while they draw blood from a tiny vein in her tiny arm.

The woman who drew Elise’s blood couldn’t find the vein. Elise screamed. The woman was relentless. She kept digging at the tiny arm, looking for the tiny vein. The screams turned blood-curdling and I told the woman to stop. Stop. Stop. STOP! NOW. You obviously cannot find the vein. Goodbye. Send someone else in. But not now. Give me time to hold her. To comfort her. To tell her it’s going to be okay.

And I held her. I comforted her. I told her we needed to know why she was feeling so awful. I told her I loved her.

After she calmed down, a new tech came in. But Elise was already traumatized. She cried before the tech even touched her. But I held her again as they drew blood from her other arm. This time, she cried, but didn’t scream. The tech was skilled. This time, it was over quickly.

But Elise was a wreck. She was so traumatized she couldn't even cry. Her little mouth opened and she gasped for air and the crying was so horrible her body couldn't bear to make any noise. Her body shook as she hiccuped and gripped my arm tightly.

I held her close. Very close. And I sang to her softly as I rocked her and walked to the car. She was so exhausted she fell asleep in my arms.

And as I put her in her carseat, I noticed her arm had already bruised. A nasty black bruise that made my stomach turn. It made tears come to my eyes and I remembered the blood curdling scream – a scream like no other. A scream that tore my heart into a million tiny pieces because I did this to my baby girl. I brought her here. I held her down. I did this.

And I sat in the car and cried.

(Note: Elise’s fever went away the next day. The bloodwork indicated she didn’t have a serious bacterial infection. She's fine now.)

Memo To My Husband

2007-10-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

I would have expected you to figure certain things out by now. (I mean, we've been married for eight years and together for 18.) But, alas, you haven't. So I'll just spell it out for you.

* I hate morning sex. (And you know what? I'm not the only one.)

* If you're going to try to entice me with morning sex, turn off the damn sports radio show you have on your clock radio alarm. Listening to those guys whine (yes, whine!) is not exactly alluring.

* You fall asleep on the couch at 9:00. I surf the 'net or watch tv and get in bed at 10:30. You wake up at 11, crawl into bed, wake me up, and expect me to be horny? Ain't happening, buddy boy.

* Saying "sex is exercise and exercise gives you endorphins which will make you less tired" isn't a good argument when you fall asleep on the couch, wake at 11 and then stay up until 2 in the morning.

*"What happened to your boobs? They used to be sooo hot," is not a way to get me 'going.' Sorry, but I breastfed your two kids each for a year. The girls just won't be the same. Deal with it. I have.

* "I like this handle you have for me to hold. Makes it easier for me to get my grip." Okay, that's not a handle. Skin stretches when you have to make room for another human being in your body. Twice. That's why I'm going to the gym.

* Still need more no-no 'pick up' lines?

AWOL

2007-10-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

I know I've been AWOL lately. Life has been kah-ray-zee lately. But, I have to admit, part of it is my own doing. I joined a health club and have been exercising at least twice a week after the kids go to bed. Works out nicely because I get my alone time, I get some exercise and I don't have to feel guilty about doing something for myself (mother guilt - that's for another post).

But, it means waaaaay less computer time and has resulted in 562 items in my google reader. Yes. 562. Five hundred sixty-two. Damn. Needless to say, I'm still reading, just commenting waaaay less so that I can keep up.

And after I tell you how much I haven't been reading your blogs, I'm asking you to tell me if you're reading my blog (This is part of my feeble attempt to put me before others...) because today is The Great Mofo Delurk Day 2007.

So, please, drop me a line and let me know if you're out there. If you have a blog, link to it (hopefully you'll get new readers out of it!). And if you don't want to leave your name, that's fine too. Just let me know you're out there.

Pretty please? With chocolate on top?