Pastor J's Thots

NATE THE SNAKE

2009-09-17T11:45:00.001-04:00

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving
all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune
with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the
sagebrush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn,
he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments,
he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever.
Just as he does, he hears a voice say, "Don't touch that lever."

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down,

he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination,
he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, "I said don't touch that
lever!"

Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down
under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said, "Was that you that just spoke?"

The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever.
If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."

The driver, still rather astonished, said, "What is your name?
And will you talk on TV?" The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't
interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see
that it wasn't moved.

The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews.
That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."

Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to
the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out.
They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers
of moving the lever.

A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area.
He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak.
When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control,
and he found himself headed straight for the lever.
He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that
if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might
maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve,
but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.

The truck driver was heard to say "Well, better Nate than lever."

Glass of Water and Stress

2009-06-19T12:41:00.003-04:00

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience,
a glass of water and asked, How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranging from 2 to 5 pounds.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it."

He continued, "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day,
you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight.
But the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.
"And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes
increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.
As with the glass of water, you have to put it down."

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens,
I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble
and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

If Men Wrote Advice Columns...

2009-04-12T08:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Dr. Jarrod,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was laid off six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Jarrod

The $50 Lesson

2009-04-06T08:30:00.000-04:00

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me..

The Perfect Wedding Registry for the Older Crowd

2009-04-01T13:41:00.002-04:00

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Couple weds in fast-food style ... in Taco Bell

2009-01-19T15:34:00.002-05:00

If I had only known!!!! This would have been my wedding sytle...

Couple weds in fast-food style ... in Taco Bell

NORMAL, Illinois - Wedding bells meant the Mexican fast food chain Taco Bell for Paul and Caragh Brooks.

Customers inside the fast-food restaurant continued to order tacos and burritos as the couple sat Friday in an orange Taco Bell booth and exchanged vows.

"It's appropriate," groom Paul Brooks said. "It's an offbeat relationship."
Story continues below

Employees displayed hot sauce packets labeled with the words "Will you marry me?" They decorated the restaurant with streamers and balloons.

The bride wore a $15 hot pink dress and the entire wedding cost about $200. Several dozen guests looked on as the couple's friend, Ryan Green of Normal, administered the vows while wearing a T-shirt. He was ordained online.

"This is the way to go — there's no stress," said the groom's mother, Kathy Brooks.

Caragh Brooks, 21, of Australia, met Paul Brooks, 30, on an Internet dating Web site. They already had the same last name.

The couple wrote back and forth and talked on the phone for nine months before Caragh Brooks moved to the United States.

"We have the same brain, just in two bodies," Paul Brooks said. "We think alike in virtually every manner. We have the same interests, viewpoints."

He proposed on New Year's Eve and, because they like to spend time at the local Taco Bell, they decided to wed there.

"I would never have expected in my life in working here there would be a wedding," restaurant manager Carl Hamlow said.

If you could redo your wedding, what style would you do?

BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION

2009-01-12T06:52:00.001-05:00

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the Banana.

2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."

THINGS I LEARNED FROM SCOOBY DOO

2009-01-09T18:49:00.001-05:00

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

10. Avoid using words like doobie and munchies - it might give people the wrong idea.

TOP TEN TOYS YOU MAY HAVE TROUBLE FINDING THIS YEAR

2008-12-22T13:39:00.001-05:00

TOP TEN TOYS YOU MAY HAVE TROUBLE FINDING THIS YEAR

10. Sister's Dollhouse and Night Vision Ninja Assassin

9. Tuba Hero - World Tour

8. Low Self Esteem Elmo

7. 'Lil Embittered Lego Airport Traffic Controller

6. U Push Mommy's Buttons

5. Thumpy Thump Roadside Furry Friends

4. Police Crime Tape Craft Kit

3. High School Musical Audition Losers Puppet Pals

2. Big 'unsafe at any speed' Wheel

1. Wi-Wheezer: Grandpa Edition

Looking for love...

2008-12-08T07:51:00.000-05:00

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting. .....

Scroll down for her picture . . ...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society

The cowyboy and the church

2008-12-01T07:48:00.000-05:00

I read an interesting article the other day, it went like this:

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in here before."

What are your thots? Have you been in a church like this? Is your church like this? Are YOU the church in this story?

Living to Be 80

2008-11-24T11:25:00.000-05:00

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
80?'He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer
or wine?''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not
doing drugs, either!'Then he asked, 'Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said, 'No, my
former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?''No, I don't,' I said. He asked,
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
sex?''No,' I said.
He looked at me and said....

'Then why do you even care?

HEAVY THINKING...

2008-11-17T10:27:00.000-05:00

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed!

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

About Me

2008-11-12T16:21:00.001-05:00

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. President of Garbage contol

2. Lip Reader for the blind

3. Coin counter for Jerry's Kids donations

4. Inventor of the "dial-up" and Fax noise

Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Bugs Bunny Movie
2 The Sequel
3. The Second coming (saw it twice, just in case)

4. Curious George Goes to the movies

Four places I have lived in my life:
1. Denial

2. My own little world (everyone there knows me)

3. In my imagination

4. The other side of tomorrow

Four TV shows I watch:
1. The "off the air" show
2. NCIS
3. House
4. The Invisible man (hard show to follow, never seen the main character)

Four places I have been:
1. In trouble

2. In the thick of it

3. In the middle of it

4. in hot water

Four people who email me regularly:
1. God

2. crazy people
3. some guy who keeps telling me I have won the lottery in Argentina
4. The lawyer who tells me a person I helped in London has left me Money in his will

Four of my favorite foods
1. Taco Bell
2. Taco Bell
3. Taco Bell
4. Biscuits at Popeye's

Four places I'd rather be:
1. out of trouble

2. in denial (it's not just a river)
3. The Presidency
4. Youth Work

Four people I think will respond:
1. God

2. My wife
3. My dog

4. My son

Four things I'm looking forward to this year:
1. Seeing Tomorrow

2. Seeing Next year
3. Taking my next breath

4. ONE day without pain

My Hospital visit Retold...

2008-09-12T11:23:00.002-04:00

So as you read before I had a stint in the hospital, now I would like to give you my account of how I saw it….
So I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That’s a nice relaxing drive. *whistling a tune* Noooo, after you. Merge, everybody merge. I’m only imploding.
So I pull up at the entrance to the Emergency Room. No valet parking. I mean, if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system… if there’s ever a time when you want to go, “can you park this because I need to collapse immediately?” But no, I’m circling around the parking lot trying to find a spot. “Can I park there, I think I’m gonna die?” “I’m dying too.” “OK, go ahead. I’ll go up a couple levels.” Unbelievable. I don’t care if you’re driving yourself or someone else to the Emergency Room, you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you supposed to drop somebody off and go park the car? “OK, you go in! Tell them you’re SHOT! Ask them if they validate!” Unbelievable.
So I finally park, you know. I go in to check in. They ask the most insulting question when you check into a hospital. “What seems to be the problem?” “What seems… ? Well it seems… it seems like everything in all my inside wants to be on my outside. But I’m no doctor.” What kind of condescending question…
So they check me in to my luxurious half room. There’s a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he’s moaning over there. I’m thinking, “man, they’re never going to help me with him moaning like that.” So I gotta out-moan him, you know? “Quit moaning! We’re all hurting!”
So I’m killing time writhing. The nurse finally comes in. “How are you doing tonight?” “I’m on a gurney. Do you have a pain-killer or something? This is killing me.” So she goes, “how would you describe your pain?” *pause* “It’s killing me. I don’t know if you remember that part. Ouch.” What, are we playing that pyramid game? “Um. Excruciating… Horrific… Would rather have shards of glass in my eye…. How do I convey this to you?”
So she asks, “how would you rate your pain?” “Four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up!” She goes, “how would you rate it on a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst?” Well, you know saying a low number isn’t going to help you. “Oh, I’m a two… maybe the high one’s. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flinstone vitamin and I’ll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the threes and fours and such, if anyone’s saying such ridiculous numbers.”
So I said, “I guess I’m an eight.” She goes, “OK, I’ll be back.” I’m like, “aw, I blew it. I ain’t getting nothing with eight.” But she surprised me, she comes in, she told me, “the doctor told me to give you morphine immediately.” So then I’m like, “morphine?? That’s the stuff they gave the guy in Saving Private Ryan just before he died… OK, I’m a four… I’m a zero, I’m a negative eleventeen.” So they gave me morphine. Wow, all I know is about fifteen minutes later, just for the heck of it, I was like, “I’m an eight again! Guess who’s an eight?”

hospital Stay

2008-09-05T11:27:00.005-04:00

As most of you know by now, I was in the hospital the first week of August. If you missed the broadcast of it, here is what was said,

"Hi everybody,

I just wanted to let you know that Jarrod is in the hospital in Knoxville.
He had a tachycardia on Monday and then another one on Tuesday early
morning. His heart rate was up to 206 and was up for about 32 hours
straight and they couldn't stop it. This is in addition to fever, aches and
throwing up over 24 hours straight.

After trying many medications, they did a last resort of shocking him to put
his rhythm back into place. That only lasted temporarily. Then that's when
they transferred him to the cardiac center at the hospital we are at in
Knoxville. They took him by ambulance.

They are changing medications to keep it consistent and not have it take off
again. At this point, we are waiting to see how the new medication works."

It was supposed to be a great week of vacation, but I guess it is never boring when you go somewhere with me; have to make those memories. Many asked why I waited so long to go to the ER, and all I can say is that I have not had the best experience with ER's. There is usually come quack Dr who thinks he can cure what 36 years of the world's best haven't been able to cure yet, or they look at me and think, "oh, textbook case".
But God was in control and gave me some great medical staff at the ER who actually listened to me and did what I asked and didn't try to cure me, but stabilize me. Then I was taken by ambulance to Knoxville, TN where I had some of the best care I have ever had in a long time; and believe me, I know hospitals.
I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and calls and those who came to visit me. It is greatly appreciated.

Looking to share a great testimony for God,
Pastor J

YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X" IF..

2008-08-26T07:28:00.001-04:00

YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN "BABY BOOMER" AND "GENERATION X" IF...

1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
6. You remember the premier of MTV--or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999."
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. (Related to #10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following
phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.) 14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.
15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.
16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
17. The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.
18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."
19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."
20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying, "I was experimenting."
21. You've ever shopped at Benetton.
22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.
26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot J.R.
29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.) 32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.
33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.
35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.
36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!") 38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.
39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out....and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch...
and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or--worst of all--what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.
45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.
46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember having a rotary phone.
48. You actually believed that Mikey--famed kid on the Life cereal commercials--died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.
50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day:...you actually remember the words to the the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero."

Local Bar Sues Church

2008-08-19T15:26:00.000-04:00

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

2008-08-12T15:24:00.003-04:00

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old
Wyoming rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate
while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic
got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a
'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the
doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old
rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country
road and you come across a fence post with a
turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's
face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he
didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up
there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up
there, and you just wonder what kind of an IDIOT
put him up there!.''

Spring Classes for Men at the Learning Center for Adults

2008-07-07T08:24:00.000-04:00

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class
sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? And Which Way Does it Go?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 4
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 5
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 6
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 7
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online
Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 8
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -- Relaxation Exercises and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 9
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors

Ole Farmer Joe

2008-06-30T08:20:00.001-04:00

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?"

Id Ten T Error

2008-06-23T08:15:00.000-04:00

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error' before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

MEMO FROM THE PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE

2008-06-16T08:13:00.000-04:00

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.

Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.

Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.

Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.

Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.

Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.

The Donut Master

2008-06-09T08:11:00.000-04:00

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending college
where Brother Christianson taught seminary.

He had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had
been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by
his rules.

Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other
teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson's
seminary class.

Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just
seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back
of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the
class was over.

One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so
he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled
Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't
you?"

Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."

Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many pushups can you do?"

Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."

"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother Christianson said.

"Do you think you could do 300?"

Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."

"Do you think you could?" again asked Brother Christianson.

"Well, I can try," said Steve.

"Can you do 300 in sets of 10?
I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work.
Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,"
Brother Christianson said.

Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."

Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on
Friday."

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of
the room.

When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of
donuts. Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts, they were
the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls.

Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of
the day, and they were going to get an early start on the
weekend.

Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and
asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?" Cynthia said, "Yes."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"

Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick
ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a
donut on Cynthia's desk.

Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked,
"Joe do you want a donut?"

Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve would you do
ten pushups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups,
Joe got a donut.

And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for
every person before they got their donuts and down the second
aisle, until Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain
of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was
very popular and never lacking for female companionship.

When Bro. Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"

Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"

Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."

Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."

Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would
you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"

Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY! I said I
didn't want one!"

Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class,
my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't
want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He
just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much
effort to be getting up and down.

You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around
his brow.

Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students
were beginning to get a little angry.

Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"

Jenny said, "No."

Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten
pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve
did ten, Jenny got a donut.

By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were
all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to
really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for
each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the
floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.

Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he
did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all
of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert
began to watch Steve closely.

Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.

During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat
along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro.
Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34
students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be
able to make it.

Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and
the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a
rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.

Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch
on each one?" Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to
come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay
out!"

Jason didn't know what was going on.

Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."

Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you
will have to do ten pushups for him."

Steve said, "Yes, let him come in." Bro. Christianson said,
"Okay, I'll let you get Jason's out of the way right now.
Jason, do you want a donut?"

"Yes."

"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?"
Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort.

Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those
seated on the heaters. Steve's arms were now shaking with each
pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of
gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time,
there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very
popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last,
and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut? Linda said, very
sadly, "No, thank you."

Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups
so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"

Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for
Linda.

Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.

"Susan, do you want a donut?"

Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro.
Christianson, "Can I help him?"

Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to
do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have
a donut?" As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with
the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required
of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him
and he fell to the floor.

Brother Christianson turned to the room and said.

"And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the
Father, 'Into your hands I commend my spirit.'

With the understanding that He had done everything that was
required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like
some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the
desk, uneaten."

Communication in Marriage

2008-06-02T08:05:00.000-04:00

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife
listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.