Just a few notes about the show. If the general consensus is that the show sucked, then my husband Greg and I agree.  But if the consensus is that the show was great, then Greg and I thought the show sucked.

For me, the high point of this year’s Oscar telecast was Robert Downey, Jr.  I swear that man gets hotter by the day.  Dayum boy!

Robert tebowing before heading out on stage.

Robert doing his (unfunny) comedy bit.

Any readers enjoy ice cream? Yeah, me neither…

There is a terrific little ice cream chain in Columbus, Ohio called Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams. My boy Raven told me about them a while back and my husband Greg and I had a couple of opportunities to give them a try.

We stopped by Jeni’s on the way out of town after spending a day at the Ohio State Fair last summer*. Greg tried three flavors and I tried three other ones. Check them out:

All of them were fantastic. I know pretty much none of you readers will be able to try Jeni’s, but I want to encourage you to try any kind of gourmet ice cream shop that may be near you. It is so much better than the mass-produced stuff you find in the supermarket.

*Weirdly and coincidentally, my boy Blobby published a blog post about Jeni’s Ice Cream the same day I was going to publish one last summer, so I deferred, lest I be called a copy cat. Then I forgot to publish my post at all! Oh well, I’m publishing it now.

This morning God faxed me down a memo clarifying his position on a certain topic near and dear to me, and he asked me to spread the word. So here goes:

To my children whom I love dearly, and also to Republicans:

Remember when I advised that a man should not lay with another man the way he does with a woman? I didn’t mean for you to get so bent out of shape about it, trying to interpret what I meant. There’s nothing to interpret. I was being literal.

See, you cannot lay with another man the same way because it is biologically impossible. The other man doesn’t have a vagina! Instead, just slip your dick in his bum. Why else do you think I put buttholes where I did? Duh!

C’mon people, this isn’t rocket science.

Thank you for your kind attention in this matter,
The Almighty

P.S. I meant what I said about not eating shellfish. And don’t even think about mixing wool and linen in the same garment!

*And I liked it!

Try it yourself here.

I just saw that Apple will soon release another update to its Mac desktop operating system, called OS X “Mountain Lion”.  This is the latest in a long string of cat names: Cheetah, Puma, Jaguar, Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard, Lion, and now Mountain Lion.

What’s next? OS X Pussy?

And how long is this operating system going to be stuck on version ten? It’s been since 2001 that this OS has had a major update. Will the world ever see OS XI or is it stuck on X forever?

See, this is why Apple will always be a second-rate wannabe company, sulking in the shadow of Microsoft and IBM and perpetually on the verge of bankruptcy.

I live a few miles away from the University of Dayton (UD), my alma mater. You wouldn’t know it from its purely secular name, but it is a Catholic university, run by the Society of Mary.

Over the last few weeks there has been a lot of hubbub here in the U.S. regarding the government’s plan to require health insurance plans to cover contraception and the nation’s Catholic bishops uniting to denounce it. I was interested to read in the local news that UD’s insurance covers contraception even though they are a Catholic institution, but then dismayed to learn that UD’s president ordered a review of this policy in light of the bishops’ political fight with the Obama administration.

I was so disappointed that my university’s leadership would bend to the latest political winds that blew its way.

However, today I was exceedingly pleased to read that upon review UD’s administration decided to not make any policy changes, and to keep contraception coverage in the plan. Thank goodness UD didn’t buckle to the heavy-handed tactics of America’s bishops and instead chose to do what’s right by its employees. Bravo to UD.

It didn’t start out that way, but that’s how it ended up.

“It seems seamen seen at sea are soon to see men seeking steaming semen seed on the seat seam at the seaside scene.”

Watch this video on how to deal with a bratty, entitled teen who whines about having to clean off the kitchen counters everyday! Oh dear!

Go dad, go!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl1ujzRidmU

Progressive Insurance debuted their new television pitchman last year, dubbed “The Messenger”, and the more I see him the more turned on I get.

He looks a little like a 70's porn star.

Okay, a LOT like a 70's porn star.

And a little like he walked off the set of the Midnight Cowboy.

But mostly I see a hottie with a really expressive face and a wonderful 'stache.

Anyone else turned on by this guy?

My husband Greg just informed me that the flavor of piss is so variable that saying something tastes like piss is meaningless. I said I wouldn’t know of such things.

So I ask you, those in the know, is this true?

This is Christine Lagarde, head of the International Monetary Fund. I can’t figure out what it is about her, but she just doesn’t look entirely human to me. Every time I see her pic in the news I freak out a bit, wondering what alien race has infiltrated human governance.

We had to replace our doorbell button the other day. That got me thinking about doorbells in general.

What I really dislike about doorbells is sometimes the house is dead silent and someone rings the doorbell and it just about gives me a heart attack because it is so loud. Other times we might have the TV blaring and the pizza delivery man rings the bell and we cannot hear it because it is not loud enough. The volume is rarely right.

So I thought it would be cool if someone would make a doorbell that would first sample the room’s background noise level before it rang, then made the ding-dong sound at a volume appropriate for the room. That would eliminate the heart attacks and the missed pizzas.

My friends, today the internet is under attack. Everywhere I turn on the web I’m faced with big “Stop SOPA” splash screens. Time after time today I’ve tried to access websites only to be stymied. When will this madness end?

Enough already!

I was against SOPA before the day started, but now I’m considering supporting it. Why?

OUT OF SPITE.

I want my internet back! Who’s with me on this?

(And no, I don’t support SOPA. Geez, give me a little credit.)

I saw a TV news story the other day about Beyonce’s brand new bouncing baby Blue. It said that she keeps her little precious in a completely transparent crib made out of acrylic. The weird thing is that the crib’s sides have rails and slats, just like a typical wooden crib.

Isn’t that odd? The purpose of a crib with rails and slats is to give parents the ability to see into the crib without having to walk up to it and disturb the baby. Since an acrylic crib is transparent, there is no need for rails and slats. So why not just make the crib with solid acrylic sides?

Wouldn’t this make the crib safer by eliminating the risk of the baby putting his head or a limb through the slats and getting stuck? I’m always hearing stories about babies being injured in their cribs from doing this.

I wasn’t paying attention at the gym after my workout the other day and suddenly found myself in the middle of the locker room, trying to figure out why it was the mirror-image of how it was supposed to be. It was like the showers and the lockers switched places.

Did they remodel overnight? No, I had walked into the women’s locker room! Oh shit!

I ran out of there with my eyes closed. No one was in there, thankfully. Otherwise I’d probably end up on some kind of sexual predator list for the rest of my life.

Anyone else ever walk into the wrong locker room?

My, you bloggers have been a busy bunch in the month and a half I’ve been away. I have a whole lot of blog posts to catch up on. I’m reading them, but forgive me for not commenting on many of them.

Does anyone else feel this way: completely relieved the holiday season is over?  The weeks from mid-November to Jan. 2 is shear torture and I’m so glad they are over.  Everything seems brighter outside (literally and figuratively).  We got a little snow yesterday that stuck and now everything is beautiful white.  I have a huge smile on my face now

It is with great sadness and regret this morning I take down my 2011 Colt Hairy Chested Men calendar and replace it with a random generic 2012 calendar.  Over the last twelve months I treated myself to scorching hot men bearing their chests (and more) for me every day. I looked forward with great anticipation to the first of every month when I could flip the page and see the hirsute hotness that awaited.

I didn’t cheat when I bought the calendar and didn’t preview the men in it. The result of this incredible discipline was twelve wonderful surprises, the best of which came just last month.

Here’s Mr. December, Nate Karlton:

Colt saved the best for last

I’ve been enjoying a spontaneous intermission from the internet over the last few weeks. It’s allowed my mind to regain sharpness after having been worn down to a dull point. I expect by January I’ll be back to my old self.

This intermission is coming to a close as I am finally having the desire to take a peek into the goings-on of folks around the world via the internet. I haven’t read or commented on anyone’s blog in about a month, nor have I kept up on any of the gay news. I hope Joe.My.God, Pam’s House Blend, and Towleroad were able to survive without me.

Why did I take this rest? I don’t know. I didn’t plan it, but after it started I realized I enjoyed all my extra time and I also realized how much of an incredible time sink Facebook is. I think I’ll give FB minimum attention going forward.

I hope everyone’s been well, and I’ll be visiting your blogs soon.

Stephen Chapman in his blog “The State Of The Nation UK”, has a monthly feature called “Five on the Fifth” in which bloggers may participate by posting five photos on their blog and exchanging links with his. The five pictures, taken in the days leading up to the fifth of the month, may be random or may follow his suggested theme, which this month is “Winter Weekend”.

I chose to go random, and photographed five some animals at the Cleveland Zoo the day after Thanksgiving (American). While everyone else was busy shooting pepper spray in other shoppers’ eyes just to get their hands on a two-dollar sale item, my husband Greg and I spent a very relaxing day at the zoo. Be sure to study the first photo carefully for your chance to win a valuable prize!

Special Note: This is Stephen’s last Five on the Fifth. He has chosen to retire it after 30 great months. Thank you Stephen. I had loads of fun doing this with you.

The first thing Greg and I did when we got to the zoo was go straight to the Petting Zoo, or what is now called the "Contact Area". I dislike that new term and it's been bothering me ever since.

Catching some rays on a sunny autumn day.

Giraffes are one of my favorites. Did you know they are most closely related to the cow? Or at least that's what the folks at Busch Gardens told us once.

Even though the eagle's cage was massive, he could barely spread his wings for two flaps before having to land again.

They have a herd of reindeer at the zoo. In North America they are called caribou.

The Game: Answer this question: What color are the eyes of the animal in the first photo? I will randomly pick the prize winner from all those who answer correctly before Wednesday morning.

The Prize: A voucher for a big you-know-what to the winner, redeemable by presenting the voucher to me in person. I don’t want to say specifically what the prize is, but I can tell you it’s warm, wet and wonderful, and gay men love to give and receive them. I will snail-mail the voucher to the winner.