PatHaugen

On Intimacy: The last words of a man in his 20's

2011-11-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

I had been wanting to write something every day for 30 days leading up to my birthday, but I found the writer in me couldn't help but to edit and revise and not free flow and just spill what's on my mind.. thus.. I think I published only.. twice..

However what's on my mind recently has been intimacy, and today I saw my friend Mihai post something from Osho in Intimacy and felt I needed to write out in a free flow process without editing my final thoughts of this decade on just this topic: Intimacy.

If trust is asked, you are being enslaved. But if a trust arises in you, something superhuman is growing within your heart. The difference is very small but one of tremendous importance: asked or ordered, love and trust both become false. When they arise on their own, they have immense intrinsic value. They do not make you a slave, they make you a master of yourself because it is your love, it is your trust. You are following your own heart.

I think about these things all the time.. and I don't think I'm alone when I desire trust or love so much that I make the mistake of asking for it at times.

"Trust me."

"Do you love me?"

It's so hard desiring such a trait in those you keep close, but knowing you'll never be able to know what they're actually feeling towards you.

Trust and love are almost interchangeable. How can you have love without trust? How could you have trust without love? You can love another as a friend, but I'd warn against saying 'love' to the opposite sex, as trouble can arise.. it's better to keep your friends just your friends, and to also not water down the word nor give a false hope to those that may feel 'love' as lust towards you. Love and trust, as one and the same, I'm saying is the love of a friend.

That said, love and trust is something that grows over time. You can trust someone to know your phone number, even someone you just met.. later you may trust them enough to be alone with them in public places or perhaps pick you up from the airport.. later you may trust them to be alone with you in private places such as your house or theirs.. then you start telling them your secrets.. secrets about yourself or perhaps even others.

Ah.. and that is where you start to get in trouble.. trust.. love.. did you find you gave it out to the wrong person again?

You can never know how much a person can be trusted with, and I'm sure everyone has at one time or another gave their trust or love to someone that shouldn't have been trusted. I'm sure everyone has trusted someone that has hardened their hearts to others, making trust harder to give out to the next person.. then the next.. and the next.. until you get to the point you SAY you trust someone.. SAY you love someone.. but really.. do you?

How does this relate to intimacy?

Intimacy is trust. High levels of trust.. trust with your feelings towards that person, becoming open to rejection, trusting with your mind heart body and soul.. all of this exposed and put into their care giving them the ability to hurt you on all those levels.

Sure, you can be physical with someone and block them out of your heart and mind.. not let them glimpse into the true nature of your character or into your soul.. you can JUST have sex.. but that's not intimate to me.. and was it JUST sex? One side or the other one of these people always thinks or hopes there was something more there.. no matter what they may say..

I seek someone to fully trust, like a friend.. my best friend.. someone that I trust above all others.. someone that I can connect with first without thinking of the future or 'love' but just forming a relationship with like I would anyone else. That is the start to who I would want to trust with my life. Love. Marriage. Not from a fling that hooks me up with them, but from a friendship that will last a lifetime with or without being together in an intimate way.

Intimacy would then become the next step. This is the trick to a true life partner.

Now Osho has many great gems, and although I'm not a follower of his, nor even believe all he was teaching, I'll pull from another of his books: Being In Love

If your intimacy is helping you to grow and become mature then it is positive and good and healthy, wholesome.
Intimacy means that there is no privacy. You don’t carry anything private now, at least with the person you are intimate with, you drop your privacy. You are nude and naked--good, bad, whatsoever you are, you open your heart. And whatever the cost you pay for it; whatever the trouble you go through with it. That brings growth.
If you are growing more and becoming an individual, if life is happening more to you, if you are becoming more open, if more beauty is felt in existence, if more poetry is arising in your heart, if more love flows through you, more compassion, if you are becoming more aware, then the relationship is good. Carry on. Then it is not a marriage. Then it is intimacy.
Relating means you are always starting, you are always trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of her being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate and don’t reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring the other, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation.
Let your woman be your mirror; let your man be your mirror. Look into your partner’s eyes and see your face; move into your partner to know yourself. Then one day the mirror will not be needed….then, transcendence happens.
In fact, the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.

Trust.

Love.

I have said before they are interchangeable. However again I have to point out that it is dangerous saying the words to someone of the opposite sex.

I've lost many friends I trusted and loved as a friend.. just by saying, "I love you."

It stirred desires within them, made them want more than friendship.. those that said they could handle it I became intimate with and soon found over and over that when someone says they can have JUST sex.. one side or the other is thinking something different. Lines are crossed that you can't pull them back from, and friendships are lost.. friendships you thought would last your whole life.. trust was broken because they thought your love meant being with them forever, and just them.. no matter what is said one side or the other is not being honest.. it's NEVER 'just sex'

It's because of this that I leave my 20's behind with a few other things as well.

I leave behind ever telling someone of the opposite sex that I love them. This I will save for the person that first becomes my friend.. then my best friend.. and finally the person I trust the most.. this I save for the one that I feel wants more from me, and I find I do as well, and it stirs within us both linking us together.. perhaps after years.. but until then friendship and trust is all that I seek.

Don't ever try and find love, this is where you will always find trouble.

Find friends and people you can trust. You'll soon find your love is right there next to you.

For your friends, the same attitude applies.. as it does for you. If someone is your friend they shouldn't be your friend just for the hope of you loving them one day.. and if you are someone's friend you better not be hoping for more one day. This can only bring hurt and disappointment. Just be free, live your own life separate from others, appreciate those that join you in your journey but don't try and force someone to attach to you.. you can't control anyone but yourself.

I also leave behind ever sleeping with anyone. It brings trouble and friendships are lost. How can you reclaim the trust and lifelong friendship from someone that wanted you and thought they were going to have you? Things never are the same if they DO continue to talk to you, and even worse is when you lose that friend forever.

I leave behind kissing anyone on the lips. Making out. Things I wouldn't do with just a friend. Why confuse the relationship when all you want is friendship? I hope everyone considers the confusion they cause in others when they do these things with those they just want to be their friends.

Be mindful of the messages you are sending to others.

I was close to many in my 20's.. I lost many friends and potential lifelong friends that way.. but as I leave my 20's behind I feel I will leave these things as well, and seek instead to form better friendships and trust with those around me. By doing this I will find my life partner and lover.. it will be simple.. they will be my best friend right beside me. I'll also find those around me I can trust are there just as my friends and nothing else. This is what I hope for.

I'll spend time over many years trying to heal the relationships hurt by this sort of confusion. I only hope others I talk to can be convinced of this:

Risking a lifelong friendship isn't worth a night of passion.

I'll leave you with a final link that grants another excerpt from Oslo's Intimacy:

http://www.osho.be/New-Osho-NL/EnglBooks/Intimacy.htm
"Inside, you think one thing; outside, you express something else."

I challenge you to say what you really want, especially with the people you trust and call your friends.. if you have a lover then I challenge you to be this way even more with them.. for you should trust your lover more than any friend.. they should be your best friend.. the first you want to tell things, the first you want there when you cry.. and the easiest to express exactly what you think on the inside.

If you hide what you truly think from someone, you do not truly trust them.

Without trust, there is no love.

Just a final flow of words from a man in his 20's.

- Patrick Haugen

Let me tell you something about friendship..

2011-11-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

It's hard to know who your real friends are.

Throughout life you meet people. Some of those people you get along with and some you do not.. either way they all contribute to your life for better or worse and shape your memories whether you like it or not.

Just don't focus on those that do harm.

Take things as they come, learn from people even if the lesson hurt you, but don't make the same mistakes twice.

Let me tell you something about friendship..

Friendship is a term used loosely, and it seems our modern culture has lost the desire or perhaps ability to discern between friends and mere acquaintances.

From the past near thirty years of being social and active in public, meeting not just a few select groups of people but mingling with dozens of various social groups that don't even mix, I've found many different people enter my life and only a few I can really call my friend.

Most people that I know, and that you know, are mere acquaintances.. but that's FINE.

Trouble usually comes about when you meet someone and introduce them to your 'friends' and inadvertantly point at a few select people in the room the new person then assumes knows everything about you..

That new person then goes around, talks one on one to your 'friends' but really.. some of them were just acquaintances, and don't REALLY know you that well at all.

So here is someone you just met talking to someone that barely knows you and just assumes everything that person is telling them about you is true..

I think you can imagine where troubles may arise. False thoughts about you are shared. Things spread..

Let's take it another route.. true 'friends' aren't those people that just post 'happy birthday' on your Facebook wall once a year.. they're not just people that say hello to you in public, go out in groups with you and laugh at your jokes.. the person that fits that bill could be ANYONE that is social that you have even just met, and could know nothing about who you really are and still fit that place in your life. That's not a friend.. let's bring back the term 'acquaintance' and separate out what makes someone your friend.

Friends don't just talk to you during the good times, but also the bad times. They don't ignore you when times are tough and instead reach out to you even when they sense something is wrong. They care about YOU and it shows.. they want to help you through life and not just use you for something.. that something can be as simple as someone to share a laugh with in groups, have sex with, or to access things you have ability to help them with.. be it car help, computer help, car rides around town, or anything else you can give them or help them with.. you'll know these people because they'll KEEP asking for that thing you can give them over and over.. but bail when you need them for something. I'm sure you can relate.

My advise after decades of experience is to beware people that use you for something under the guise of friendship.

You'll know your true friends because they will be around and there for you needing and wanting nothing in return.. they'll be there for the bad times not just show up for the good times..

Friends don't ignore your texts and phone calls. They don't try to avoid you when they know you're going through tough times. They don't smile at you then talk behind your back. Friends are hard to come by, those that really care, want to see the best for you, and aren't using you for anything at all.

Sometimes it takes a rainy day to see who comes to help dry you off, and until then it's hard to tell.

Friendship is rare.

Well that was fast..

2011-11-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

September was one of the worst months I've gone through in my life.. October was even WORSE as it turns out, and I don't even know how I made it while maintaining any shred of myself intact having to make my public persona smile with every ounce of willpower in me.

That sort of constant draining of energy trying to act like nothing is wrong while holding pain inside really breaks down things that make you who you are.. fun.. happy.. charismatic..

November was supposed to be different. This was supposed to be MY month.. the end of one decade and the start of another.. pretty big landmark in one's life.

This was the month I was waiting to clear the slate, make everything right, to feel great each and every day during these last few days of my 20's and ready to enter my 30's with the energy and spirit to further take on the world for the next 10..

That's what I thought at least.. and I made it ALMOST a full day until it all came down again. Two months of suffering and I honestly believed it was leading to some sort of light at the end of the tunnel..

Things started good as I got a new iPhone4S 64GB and found iCloud from iOS5 was able to backup my old iPhone4 32GB instantly in the Apple Store and restore down to the new phone in minutes.. everything exactly as it was on the old one with all settings and apps perfectly in sync. Pretty slick.. playing with the camera that bests point and shoots was nice, playing with Siri.. all good! Then on top of that I found my old phone sells for $400 on ebay and so the 'upgrade' payed for itself. Not bad :D

Then I had a nightmare leading into November 1st.. I dreamed I was living life and no one was fighting for me, my friends didn't turn out to be friends at all, just casual acquaintances who really didn't want to help or hear about my troubles, and girls I met would like me, say they love me, then when I turned away for a second they were with someone else, even with people I called my 'friends' and these girls never even fought for me at all..

I awoke and realized that this wasn't just a dream, but the worst parts of my recent life still haunting me.

Unresolved pain from the past, betrayal, lies, hypocrisy, losing friends, constant heartache, being replaced..

I went into November 1st trying to shake off my nightmare and my past pain it pulled from.. nothing mattered and I was going to LOVE every day of this month no matter what.. then I saw two great movies Puss in Boots and In Time.. wonderful films and I took my mom as I used to do every Tuesday at Regal for $6.. haven't seen her in a while so I was feeling good!

Then it hit.. the EXACT same things from the past again, unresolved issues far out of my control. Nothing was right again.. and well..

That was fast.

We'll see how November 2nd goes.. but I'm going to focus on a few things..

First, I'm going to make a post a day for 30 days detailing things I've learned these past 30 years on Earth, sharing my thoughts and wisdom to others hopefully guiding anyone that reads from making mistakes I've now come to find easy to avoid in life, and steering them towards better things.

Second, I'll be blowing off some emotion via workouts I'll post on Facebook that anyone can follow along with, but since I've had a few people ask me how to get in shape the last few months.. I think making a November workout public and pointing them to it as well as sharing it with others can help the most people possible.

So.. enjoy my next 29 posts and take what you can.. those on Facebook look for my workouts every day and I challenge you to follow along..

Hopefully from my pain you can make your own life better.

FML

Forgotten Memories

2011-03-23T02:03:00.001-07:00

This post is timely actually, but let's set things up first..

You see, around Sacramento, CA where I live there are Regal Theatres (http://www.regmovies.com/) where every Tuesday movies are priced at only $5 all day and popcorn is also $2.

Side note: Tuesdays are actually great days to go out around here and take a date, because great restaurants like Zocalo (http://www.zocalosacramento.com/) have 2 for $20 deals (a common thing on Tuesdays), and lower end places like Rubio's have deals like $1 fish tacos, or like Baskin-Robbins have $1 scoops.. but maybe this information should be shared in a different post.

So a typical Tuesday I take advantage of all the deals, and usually end up taking my mom out on Tuesdays to see a movie, have dinner, get ice cream, and watch The Biggest Loser (http://www.nbc.com/the-biggest-loser/).

What's interesting is how my mind has become over time, and how I lose memories. In fact, my friends and family often tell amazing stories about me I completely had no idea about. Tonight's movie was supposed to be 'Unknown' but we ended up seeing 'Limitless' which is why this post is timely - quite the movie that sums up how my mind often works.. the ups AND downs unfortunately.

Looking at the silver lining, those black spots in my mind again make for the interesting times where friends and family tell me stories about my life I had forgotten.

Tonight, a few quick ones from my mom.. these things I didn't really forget per se, as they would be early memories which I think many people don't have.

--

First, my birth.. just saw the show One Born Every Minute (http://www.mylifetime.com/shows/one-born-every-minute) tonight for the first time so this is what triggered these stories from my mom.

I was born at the Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center (http://www.hollywoodpresbyterian.com/en/) in Hollywood, CA - destined for a stage life I'm sure - and my brother was born at the very upscale Cedars-Sinai (http://www.cedars-sinai.edu/). I'd be jealous but just wait.. I get to spend years in the place later in life.. we both weighed 8lbs at birth.

When I was born, every time my mom pushed my heart would stop. Then they found I had a 'True Knot' for all nine months and it was surprising to them I even survived to birth. Dr. Cook - who delivered both me and my brother - exclaimed on birth, "It's a boy.. no.. a boyscout!" However it was to make light of a very dangerous situation.

--

When I was still a baby, but a little older, my mom would push me around stores in the shopping carts and I was apparently happy like most babies. However one day she gave me a piece of candy, and kept going about her business until she looked down and I was still happy as can be sucking on some candy but completely red and covered in hives, struggling to breathe. Apparently she threw me in the car right away and went to my grandparent's house (rather than the hospital because you know.. these were the old days of yore) where my grandparents knew it was an allergic reaction but my mom had already thrown the wrapper away.

--

Fast forward a little bit for the next story, but first setting the scene, I'll just quickly point out both my parents worked and were taking different shifts so that as soon as one got off, they'd hand me to the other as they rushed out to go work themselves.

My mom was working and my dad was with me mostly during the day at this point, and apparently something was going wrong, and I was getting sick. My mom just thought it was a three day flu, and on the second day my dad was worried but my mom said to wait one more day.. few hours later he then called her from the Ross-Loos hospital to come down right away..

I was apparently down a hall in adult ICU because of the complexity of the situation in a glass room with dozens of doctors around me where I stayed for a while. My mother describes coming up to the glass room, yelling my name and the people parted to reveal me with various tubes in my body and being told something about complete respiratory failure.

--

Apparently I was always a medical marvel of survival. There is so much more with drowning to death and resurrection, hernia, more issues, et cetera..

I find it all fascinating.. especially the part where my mom says I was in a hospital for so many years at the start of my life nonstop. So much I apparently asked one black male nurse if he was my dad. I was also drugged for all these years so it may explain a lot as well in regards to the memory thing.

The Love of Their Life

2010-06-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

I can't compete with the love of their life.

I won't compete.

I've been in relationships where they had a past crush or love that never was fully realized or that they have held a torch for. It's not fair.

I've been told about past flames and when I asked a bit more I've been told things like they live too far away now, they're in a relationship, etc.

What that REALLY means is that if the person moved close or broke up with whoever they were with and expressed interest then I'd be left. Straight up. Black and white facts here.

If the love of their life dumped who they were with and then came back, I'd be the one left in the dust.

What's with past flames? I hate it. When I hear the phrase 'the love of my life' from someone I'm with and they're not talking about me (they never are) then I start to connect the dots. I grow weary.

It could be a rough time in our relationship the 'love' comes around, then I hear about it after a one night stand, or perhaps I catch a phone call where they are planning it. Happened a few times to me and really perhaps I'm just cursed when it comes to relationships.

Look everyone, if someone broke up with you then why still think about them? They left and things won't work out. Don't ever get back together with someone that leaves you. It will happen again and again and again..

Perhaps it was great sex so it's something that's forever desired and becomes a constant cheat when they call you at 3am and the person you're in a relationship in is out of town..

The solution is to let it all go.

Forget about the past, I mean why when you say to your significant other 'I love you' can you be truly honest if you're holding onto others in your heart or the true desire for 'the love of your life' who is clearly NOT this person in front of you?

Be true to yourself and never let your definition of love weaken. When you say 'I love you' then you better mean it with all your heart and not have someone in your heart you're holding onto stronger..

It's not fair to the person you're with. End the relationship if this is the case, go talk to 'the love of your life' and quickly realize things won't work with them, get over it, and stop carrying emotional baggage that can harm all your future relationships. Perhaps things do work out.. either way you're happier.

Some people are able to stay virgins until the day of marriage. Never had an outside desire for another sexually but guess what? I've met girls like that whom still had 'the love of their lives' out there.. a relationship from the past that they still think about. Virginity doesn't exclude them.

You have to get over these people from your past to be able to fully love someone you're in a relationship with.

I'm not heartless.. when I'm with someone and get to the point I actually say I love them.. I mean it. From then on I always will love them and they'll always have a piece of my heart.

What scares me is that I'm running out of heart to give.

One thing's for sure.. I make sure to try and wipe out all feelings of wanting those people anymore before getting into another relationship. It's only fair.. and I've learned a lot but I know this is the best way.

Why can't I be the love of someone's life? How about that? No, it's always a relationship where they talk about someone else as the 'one' or 'love of my life' or 'the one that got away.'

I hate it. I want to be that one. I'm sure that would make the perfect relationship.. we're both each others soul mates.. the love of each others lives.

I'd like that.

Reflection on Musicals

2010-05-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday wrapped up the Runaway Stage Productions (RSP) Cinderella musical.

Whenever a performance I'm in ends, I look back and see what I've learned, see if it was worth the time invested for the payout (cash, skill, or enjoyment) received. Reflection like this is beneficial after you've done almost anything in your life. It even works for relationships.

As my friend Jeannie would say, "Is it worth it?" Ask yourself that.

For example, you can ask yourself: Was skydiving your first time worth your money? Scuba diving? Going to Disneyland? Reflection after the event leads to your future participation in life.

It was with RSP's Cinderella that I realized I'm not doing ensemble at a community theatre again. Perhaps ever.

When you're inexperienced with the stage, ensemble is a great opportunity. You get a taste of the rehearsal process, what costumes are like, stage makeup, and what it feels like to perform in front of hundreds. For me, I'm well beyond that point. My first stage shows were early in life before I had the chance to know what 'stage freight' even was, and so it was all pretty simple from there. Except singing, but that's a story for another time.

In Cinderella I met a great guy in this cast and Randy had never danced before, not even at his wedding! He hadn't done stage in a long time, and was learning and growing a lot with RSP and in the ensemble. His dance choreography was the same as mine so it was pushing his limits, I helped out a lot, and it was a great experience for him.

However unfortunate for me, my dance choreography was the same as my new friend Randy's. What pushes and helps one to grow can actually just bore another.

For Cinderella, I looked at my growth in a few ways.

Dance: No growth, nothing pushing my limits.

Music: No solo lines, simple baritone harmonies chosen, no mic, very simple music with few lyrics.. no growth.

Acting: Being a puppeteer but with complete freedom, this acting was just me playing around and doing it my way the whole time. Complete freedom led me to not grow in acting, and it was a completely silent show for me with no lines.

Looking back, I would have grown more if I spent the time with a ballet company and did some of my own choreography and pushed my dancing a little. Or perhaps I joined up with a puppet play for kids with lots of lines and expanded my acting a little. Or just had been taking private vocal lessons this whole time.

It boils down to a lack of growth.

Sadly there wasn't much for me with Cinderella and like all shows at RSP, I was asked to come do the audition for this show so my heart wasn't ever in it to start with. Two months is a lot when you're growing. Two months is asking far too much when you're not growing at all.

Really whenever a guy is asked to join a musical/ballet even if their heart is not in it and they do it to 'help' they sure get mixed up with the people who are there because it's what they actually want to do and people quickly forget about the guy in ensemble who is there just because they needed some men.

I've been in many productions (not at RSP, they're actually quite good) where I was brought in because a guy was needed and then a week later being treated poorly because 'it is a privilege to be in this performance' mindset hits. Sad but true, male dancers are needed in ballet and musicals but rarely treated with the mindset of 'oh this guy is here just to help out and doesn't really want to be here.'

Being the Dove in this show actually saved my sanity. It was fun making things up every night with a puppet in hand to see what worked best, and Chris Cook's puppet was top quality.

End result however is that I am done with ensemble. I need something to grow in to make it worth my time.

CURTAINS

People have asked about my involvement with RSP's next musical, Curtains.

I was asked to come audition at Curtains, so again my heart wasn't there to start, and I gave little effort in order to make room for anyone that was auditioning that actually wanted a part.

One difference with Curtains is that I filled out the 'role auditioning for' portion of my audition card for the first time ever in my life. I filled it out asking for a part with many lines so I could actually act and then checked the box for 'will not accept any other role.'

I was offered a part, and what confused me was it was the role of 'ensemble' which was exactly what I didn't want to have (as outlined above in my experience with RSP's Cinderella).

Regardless, I went to check it out. Fun music, simple choreography yet very aerobic and exciting, really not bad. I was still waiting for clarification on my role due to the fact I was under the naive assumption my request I put on my audition card was being respected. The people were fun, the choreography and music was fun, I didn't know what I was doing there but soon started to care less thinking perhaps I was brought in as 'ensemble' because they needed a good male dancer (some of the people in the show weren't really dancers).

This assumption (and again proof we should NEVER assume) was shattered when a new person was brought in and in one night shown some choreography I'd been doing for a couple weeks and then given parts in dances I was doing.. INTERESTING I thought to myself and brought up my audition card issue to be given back a 'role' with three lines. Almost felt like a slap to the face.

Cinderella introduced me to a few new friends, however sadly I could have spent the two months in various dance communities making friends I wouldn't part with after our last bow and would know and dance with for a long time.

If there is a lesson to be learned from my experience, it is to only seek opportunities that lead you to personal growth in an area, and to never assume.

Oh and also when someone asks you to go audition for something, politely decline. If you wanted to audition, you'd have gotten involved before someone asked. Walking into a show to 'help' only leads to bitterness. Also respect and thank the men that you bring into a ballet or musical.. when I was never thanked for joining a show to help out, it was quite lame.

Gaming on the Mac

2010-05-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

10 years ago I laughed at the Mac.

Back then it was all about Windows gaming, consoles were weak in comparison, and Mac had nothing.

Now? StarCraft 2 beta on Mac and Steam coming on May 6th makes it hardly laughable.

Mac is greater than the PC, and has been for a while.

Hardware components are hand-picked and drivers in the OS only need to support a handful of Apple-specific devices. That's the true power.

Combined with a Unix backend starting with OSX, XCode for every language (PHP HTML CSS even), and Adobe CS5 native Cocoa 64-bit, gaming was the last piece of the puzzle.

Mac wins. May 6th.

Heck, even Windows is better on a Mac (Parallels, VMware Fusion, Boot Camp).

Realizations

2010-05-06T02:13:00.001-07:00

I suddenly realized tonight - after completing a weekly website update 11p-12:30a then going out into the streets of downtown Sacramento to get some food and exercise - that most of what I talk to people about is often repeated.

Many times I'll have researched a new widget in a vast machine of knowledge that combines with my previous experience and write up notes for myself that I share with someone.. then another.. then another..

Blogs are SO much better. Sharing, linking to my previous thoughts, etc.

I've also realized tonight after seeing drunken girls in heels faceplant (2) get into fights (3) and walk around drunken and barefoot (countless) that I have no hope in finding a nice girl to call my own. Seeing girls all over downtown stumble around drunk and making out with random dudes, get in their cars and drive home with them just makes me fear for my HEALTH.

Back to the original point, more blogs to follow, and the ease of it comes from my final point which is the iPad.

I find I never use my laptop for portability. Trade shows, meetings in my building's lobby, going out to do work at lunch, sitting in the car, nothing beats a 3G iPad with its 10-hour battery.

Laptops are the new desktops. iPads are the new laptops. You can't walk and compute with a laptop.

Speed of Reading

2009-08-12T01:24:00.001-07:00

I went through a test to find out how fast I read which lead to a bigger insight into the way my brain works.

Casually, I read at 427 WPM on the screen and 569 WPM on paper with 91% comprehension.

Taking the reading efficiency calculation (WPM x comprehension%) I have an EWPM (Effective Words Per Minute) speed of 388/518 (screen/paper).

The average EWPM is 120/144, which is due to the fact the vast majority of readers are subvocalizing each word without realizing it.

What that means is when most people read, their eyes see the words, which the brain then takes in and sends down to the larynx that processes the word, which then registers with the brain what that word is.

It's 'subvocalization' because you're not actually saying the word out loud. Sometimes you can see people relax and their lips might move, a sound might escape, but for the majority of people they subvocalize without realizing it, and it's completely quiet (and holding them back!).

Fortunately for them (might be you!), a few minutes a day can kick them up to my level. That is, you practice daily by picking up a book and while you read it, out loud vocalize A-E-I-O-U or 1-2-3-4 slowly. This is an exercise that breaks that connection and makes you the next level up which is what I'm at.

That is the reason I write this, perhaps to help anyone with reading faster.

At my 388/518 EWPM I'm what is called an 'auditory reader' vs. the earlier example which was an 'oral reader.'

Being an 'auditory reader' means I see the words and I hear them in my head. This coupled with my stage training and imagination means getting past that speed would be difficult. As it stands, I hear the words like characters in a play or movie, and things play out in spoken-time as though you hit 'play' on a DVD.

The next level of reader is a 'visual reader' which can do 1000-1250 WPM which at the average comprehension level for that speed (85%) nets an EWPM average of 850-1063!

Readers of that level can tear through 'Catcher in the Rye' in about 10 minutes and fully comprehend 85% of it (average 'oral readers' only comprehend 60%).

For them, they see words and comprehend the picture as a whole. It's like putting in a DVD and hitting fast-forward where you get quick flashes of images. You can see what's going on, the whole picture. It makes sense.

For me, that won't be possible, most people involved in theatre are 'auditory readers' which combined with the high imaginations most in that field possess, enable them to read and act each word, each scene is drawn, and they can fit themselves in.

All of this I found interesting enough to share.

Frequent Updates

2008-04-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

I've found periodic email updates I get from friends become precious to me.

Out of all the people that have sent periodic emails talking about events in their life, the last one from a friend that moved down to Santa Cruz I got a few months ago really inspired me to start doing the same. I appreciated their letter and thought I should share the same consideration for others.

Just reading a letter from someone can bring you out of your own life for a moment. Far too often we get stuck in a place where we're so focused on our own lives we don't see what's going on with those around us.

By looking at those around us, getting involved in their lives, holding them accountable when they slip, and helping them with troubles they are working through, we invite the same involvement in our own lives.

Which is good!

We're made to have others help us with everything in our lives and not try and do things alone.

Doing Things Alone

2007-11-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

The biggest realization in my life was that I couldn't do it all alone.

I'm part of a men's group at my church, and having fellowship with them has shown me how easy things are when you don't try to do things yourself, but instead turn to others and humble yourself enough to be in a position you can ask for assistance.

Prayer, turning to God, when we humble ourselves we become able to admit our problems, ask for help, and turn away from following ourselves.

Being one of youngest in the men's group is interesting, most men there have kids my age. However with all their experience in life and experience with marriage, I have learned a lot about being a strong Christian man and how I can become the best Christian husband God wants me to be as I go the rest of my life following Christ.

I enjoy the company of those that are strong in faith, that don't hold onto anger or speak against others, and who forgive people for what they have done in the past.

What I mean are those that don't just read the Bible, but also follow what it commands us to do in life to follow Christ.

Blessed are those who hear the word of God and obey it.

Lately I've felt myself separating from some of my friends. I don't desire to go to bars and drink. I don't desire to go out and hit on girls. I don't desire to gossip about people and talk bad about anyone behind their back.

I do not want to merely go to church on Sundays and read the Bible at night. I live to listen and read the word to follow the commands and not stand against truth, but with it.

I separate myself from those that live in sin, serve themselves, and try to constantly turn me from the path I'm on. It's not that I turn my back to my friends, but to the world.

At the same time I find myself not alone, but with others who I can talk to, that share the same beliefs, and know what I will not ever have to do things alone.

The Guitar

2007-11-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

I was shown a guitar the other day that was custom built and had a story behind that really touched me and showed the power of God at work in all our lives.

This guitar was started by a boy working with a kit with help from a someone at church. He was a kid that would always wear black pants, a black shirt, dye his hair black, paint his nails black, and one day he wore a white shirt. When asked, "Hey, what's up with the white shirt?" he just replied back, "That's Jesus."

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

We don't really know how much we affect the lives of those around us as we walk through life. I have some friends now that have come to me months after we met as acquaintances and let me know how much I meant to them and helped to change their life.

Even the smallest meeting with someone can affect their life in ways we don't realize. This happens each day we go about our business.

During the construction of the guitar the boy was killed. He was talented and played instruments in worship, and people who read his obituary attended his funeral where many of them were saved during the service.

The guitar was completed with prayers over the delicate construction and when I held it, I got a sense of God's hand in the project and a connection to the boy that was killed who put his hand into the work.

His life touched so many in ways he did not realize, and he lead people to be saved even after his death.

Married!

2007-11-02T04:28:00.001-07:00

Friends and family,

I'm married!

I married Tawnie Elizabeth Gadd on March 15th 2007. She is the most beautiful, wonderful girl I have ever known and brings joy to everyone she meets. For those of you that do not know her, I hope you all can meet her in the future and see in person her great spirit and attitude towards life.

We met swing dancing, and I proposed to her on May 15th 2007 on the steps of the same YWCA we first met dancing. We married each other on March 15th 2007 in the Chapel of the Sierra in Reno, and planned to have a bigger ceremony in the future. You can view photos of us at this website:

http://www.pathaugen.com/

Being with Tawnie has shown me what true love is, and by her example I have been shown the truth and brought closer to God whose teachings I stive to follow every day for the rest of my life.

I send this to all of you as we enter November which is an important month to me. November 15th is our six month anniversary and November 23rd is my 26th bithday!

I profess my love for Tawnie and my belief in Jesus Christ as my savior.

Marriage is about love and commitment. I know that for the rest of my days on Earth I will love Tawnie, and have committed myself to her for better or worse as long as we both shall live.

To those of you married or in relationships I encourage you to work on your relationship with Christ and find the fruits of the spirit grow within you which will help to strengthen your love for each other.

I live to show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control with my wife and everyone else I meet (Galatians 5:22 - 5:23).

I have given up my own selfish desires as I move to a new chapter of my life with my wife Tawnie, and turn from trying to run my own company and my ambitions to be a professional dancer which is how most of you know me.

I enter a humble life where I live to be a provider for my family and lead a quiet life as God commands.

I have found my deepest desire is not the ambitions of my past to serve myself, not to be admired, not to even be on stage or to be famous in any way, but to have a family. This is my deepest desire.

Above everything else I thought I wanted in life, a family is what I desire more then anything.

Richard Stauss wrote a great book on marriage called 'Marriage Is for Love' which you can download and print this at the link below and I encourage you all to do so.

http://www.pathaugen.com/marriage.doc

I have learned a lot about the way God wants me to be, and how he wants me to be the best husband I can, and I thank other Christians I study with as they help me to better strengthen my walk with Christ.

I live for honesty and truth. I encourage you all to love one another and if you have any quarrels with anyone you know, go to them, communicate and heal those relationships and do not harbor bitterness in your heart (Matthew 6:14 - 6:15).

I love you all!

Feel free to forward this to other family members so that they may all know my love, and friends feel free to forward this to others that know me as well and share my testimony.

I wish to hold no secrets and to open my life to everyone so that you may all see the joy in my life!

--
Patrick William Haugen
http://www.pathaugen.com/

Valentines Day Breakup

2007-02-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

I hate spending Valentines Day alone.

It's a symbol, much like the day is a symbol of love, being alone on this day is a symbol of being unloved.

I thought the feeling of being alone on this day was the worst you could experience. 24 straight hours of reflection on why exactly you're spending it alone makes for some serious heartache.

There is worse out there... like someone breaking up with you on Valentines Day. Do the seven stages of grief apply to breaking up? I've felt myself shifting through more moods then a moose! Okay so I made up a comparison there that makes no sense, but I blame my situation and I deal with everything I hate using humor.

I was in love, still am in love which is worse then that, but have the respect to honor their decision and I'm not going to be selfish and try to pull them back or try to thrust myself into someone's life that wants to be rid of me. Plus that's embarrassing for both of us.

They made promises, said they'd love till the end, plans for the future and a hint at something big on March 15th, so many promises! I can't even think of it all right now, perhaps I'm wrong for trying to think about this while it's so new, but I've tried to commit to them before and the next day they wanted to end it after flirting with someone else at a party.

Was I stupid? I asked them full out again on Monday spending the morning finding flowers, clipping them down and forming a small cute 'grip' going to school, waiting till class started to come in, stop things and in front of everyone ask them to be with me.

Later, they said they could have never said no to something so sweet, and if they did they'd have embarrassed themselves. So if everything happens for a reason is the only reason I get out of this to never ask someone to be with me in public because they'll say 'yes' even if in their heart it is a 'no' to save on embarrassing themselves?!

I don't know why I went through commitment to have breakup so soon after ON VALENTINES DAY but with what happened before I should have expected it.

They had problems with their family concerning being with me since they live at home. They hinted at moving out, moving in with me, running away to Reno, getting married, but all just talk I guess it was. Crazy talk perhaps. Perhaps I'm going to be better now?

I don't really enter into commitments, so this was a huge step for me. Seriously. Perhaps the lesson is I need to do it more? Commit more? Well I did and it got me three days and a Valentines Day breakup.

That's cool, I feel good about writing this, I realize my mistakes now and I should have gotten the hints the first time around.

Learn from my mistakes:
1. If someone leaves you only to come back, DON'T TAKE THEM BACK.
2. Don't ask someone to commit to you in public, THEY WILL SAY 'YES' JUST TO SAVE ON EMBARRASSMENT.

So. I'm actually taking some deep breaths here, that helps... hey, if you ever get left on valentines day DO THAT... yeah... deep breath.

Okay I'm back to the 'anger' so I'll end this here.

Upcoming Performance

2006-12-18T02:37:00.000-08:00

You can order tickets for the next show I'm in online or over the phone.

Chicago: The Musical

The show will be at Runaway Stage Productions in downtown Sacramento every weekend in January, and if you don't know anything about the show, it's all jazz dance nonstop and everyone is in underwear and fishnets.

Order tickets online:
http://www.runawaystage.com/shows/Echicago-2007.html

Phone in an order:
(916) 207-1226

Email me if you get tickets and want to get together after the show, just let me know which date you have tickets for by emailing me at:

pathaugen@gmail.com

My last shows included a few performances of 'The Nutcracker' and this spring I will be dancing in Coppelia with Folsom Lake Civic Ballet and Cinderella with Placer Theatre Ballet. In Cinderella imagine me as an evil stepsister dancing in drag and heels. I'll send an update out when tickets for that one go on sale because I'm sure you won't want to miss it.

Also, if you know anyone that needs a website made, try out this company:

http://www.productionmediadeisgn.com/

Currently putting up print examples on my other site:

http://www.dreammatter.com/

Services there include logos, flyers, business cards, letterhead, envelopes, posters, restaurant menus, tickets, and much more. I can print all these in full color as well, contact me for examples which will be on the website soon.

Performances

2006-09-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

I've been out of touch with many people, and the reason is all the shows I've been involved with. I wish I could have stuck with 'The Full Monte', but previously was tied up in a show that the dates were up in the air and once were set up, landed over 'The Full Monte' run at Runaway Stage.

So I've also been in the Storybook Children's Theatre production of 'The Emperor's New Clothes' on Saturdays at 12pm and 2pm, which I only recommend if you have young children (it's a kids show) and do a nice little self-choreographed hip-hop style dance at intermission that is geared towards humor.

The main show I've been involved in that made me drop 'The Full Monte' is 'Let the Eagle Fly' which is a musical about the life of Cesar Chavez. It's powerful, and the actors are the best I've worked with. They are not the best dancers or singers, however their acting abilities are top notch.. better then any I've known. Great acting, musical director, lighting designer, and director. The set is also great in a format that has areas for each part of the show. Mixed with the great lighting this has become a show that has the look and feel that make it one of the best I've been a part of.

There is a lot of living history with this show, there has been visits by the writer, by the real characters from the show, from important figures in the UFW and other organizations, from members of Cesar Chavez's family.. reviews have been piling up, press has given the show pages and pages of dedication, there is a history presented in the lobby via photos from famous photographers. The whole project is very big.

I write now, the first day I'm not performing or practicing in weeks (As an example, Saturdays I have 12pm Emperor's New Clothes, 2pm Emperor's New Clothes, 5pm Nutcracker, and 8pm Let the Eagle Fly) and just to let everyone know why I haven't kept in touch, it's been the practice and performance schedule.

I also wanted to tell everyone if they want to see 'Let the Eagle Fly' to contact the box office at California Stage (http://www.calstage.org/) ASAP because this opening weekend was sell-out every night and people were turned away. Now, the ENTIRE run is almost sold out and will be completely sold out by this evening. We are selling so much we have turned the last Thursday pick-up rehearsal before closing weekend into a full performance and that added show as well as the others are again selling out this evening I am told.

I've never overlapped so many performances at once, however with it getting so close to 'Nutcracker' season, I feel the pressure by four ballet companies to get me in to dance with them. So far I'm practicing with Placer Theatre Ballet to join them again as Arabian and others I'm considering as well. I still love doing cavalier and the grand pas choreography as well as teaching it to an experienced partner and perhaps next year I can be organized enough to offer myself as a complete package to perform as caviler with choreography for my solo and the grand pas to ballet companies outside the Sacramento region like many male professionals do around the USA.

This will be my goal.

How far will I go?

2006-07-26T04:01:00.000-07:00

I think about this phrase all the time, and the meaning always changes. How far will I go in my dancing? In my stage work? How far will I go pushing my limits? Pursuing this evil?

Pursuing THAT evil?

The phrase can be used for anything I can think about that has happened so far in my life. Bad or good, I wonder how far I'll keep going down any path I take.

In theory I would go to the end.

I pride myself on staying neutral, going with the flow. To have no desires or wants, that's when you can best see the message of where you are supposed to be. For me, where ever I'm taken when I don't struggle, that's where I feel I was meant to end up. You can call this fate.. God.. whatever you do call it... by not resisting the events around you, I feel you will always be in the place you are supposed to be.

That's how I ended up here, in this tiny apartment, after quitting a tech job I felt I was wasting my youth at to obtain nothing but worthless cash - leaving to do nothing but dance.

This was after I quit another tech job I was using to pay the bills to again... do nothing but dance.

Six years after my first 'quit to do nothing but dance' I'm back in a 9-5 job, and living in the place I thought I would be at as I did nothing but dance.

Am I not sacrificing enough? Why do I need a job anyway?

I severed everything I could, made myself eat nothing but cheap pasta, gatorade, and protein powder. Still the curse of the dancer hit me after every thrust into the art - being poor. THAT is the curse of the dancer.

Those that believe in any 'God' should think more about that. The message of what you are intended to do is somewhere inside you, and if you're fighting to get a degree in some college, fighting to work a job to buy anything or pay bills, fighting to even eat or survive.. you may miss it. When you let go, and let yourself go without any other goals in mind... that's how I found my fate.

After finding that fate, fully devoting yourself to it is another story.

I went with things in life, and at a point in high school that I had become neutral and opened my mind to just about anything, I ended up doing ballet. I really wasn't the 'type' at that point in my life to do that sort of thing either, but it just happened to be.

I just let go and flowed with that (dancing in tights) ending up doing shows I never auditioned for, but was asked to do. Ballet shows. Why turn anything down? Something so outrageous had to be fate. From then on, if it was offered to me, I thought there had to be a reason. A reason for everything.. every person I met, every event that happened. I learned to look beyond the normal and find some meaning. Offer after offer in my life, I went for it. No questions asked. Whenever another offer appeared, I didn't step over it, but instead accepted it fully as if it was meant to be.

Because of this attitude, I've done a lot of things in my life (most of it no one will ever know about) but each event has done it's job in shaping who I am today. When I sit back and don't fight to live, eat, work, the main theme I see brought before me is always 'dance' and due to that, I've continued down that path whenever a new opportunity asks service of me.

This attitude does make me easy to convince, which is one reason I love to argue about just about everything. I'm always searching for someone to challenge my mind, provide some facts and change my viewpoint. Being easy to convince I did become Mormon somewhere along the way.. today I entered a Mormon temple for the first time, and due to skipping church some Elders have been trying to organize a sort of 'intervention' into my imperfect life. However that's all a big story for another day...

So a girl brought me into ballet. From that school I was introduced to 'partnering' and dancing, and after performing on stage I was then seen and invited to other schools. Soon I was invited to teach at a few schools. Then I was invited to choreograph at one.

Then something interesting happened. I was introduced to Placer Theatre Ballet, and from there a dancer asked me to dance with even another company, this time one that wasn't ballet. Suddenly I was being dragged into a strange world of 'musicals' where everyone is nice to your face, no one gives a straight answer, and obscurity is the only way you can survive.

Another girl I took into the work of Ballroom dance, we got to competition level and she left me for some dude. With all that work lost, I partnered up with a Pro and competed in Pro-Am competitions, won some awards, and then at a college level entered and took some more awards... yet another big story for another day...

Going for the musical I was brought in for, I did what I thought I was there for - dance. The rest I ignored trying to stay true to what was asked of me. However I was then asked to sing... interesting having never sang a single song in my life, never singing along to any song even when I was alone, haven never taken a vocal lesson... but it was asked of me so I went for it.

After that was over I got pulled into yet another musical. This time more singing, and I felt that this was as far as I would go - chorus. Then I changed something... I messed with fate and auditioned for the first time in my life after doing over a dozen shows before that I was in only in by chance. Perhaps this was a mistake, but some think I've done good, which is interesting because I sing a line or two by myself implying I 'can' sing.

But where is dance?

The 'dance' in these musicals so far is nothing more then movement to me. Girls seem to have dance and males are assumed to not be skilled in the art and given simple partnering or what I would call nothing more then stage movement or cardio at best.

How far will I go?

I have shaved my body in team swimming because I went with things. I've danced in tights on stage because it was a required costume, and over time the two have led me to love both. I've been in nothing but 'underwear' on stage because it was required costume for where I was, and still I wonder how far I will go... is there more?

My latest role is that of 'Keno' in 'The Full Monte' yet another musical I fell into by chance, by fate, by going with the flow.

In this, I will walk on stage at the beginning of the show (which is a strip club) in a business suit. I will strip to a G string and oil, and that will be that.

Amateur strip shows, gogo dancing, my past seems to be serving a strange purpose here, but will I go farther?

Seems another show is called 'Naked Boys Singing' or something to that effect. Basically I would walk onto a stage, strip, and sing in the nude. The offer is there, fate seems to tempt me, this is the only time I pause to think.

However Monte may fall though, so I asked a friend 'Angel' to prepare to take over for me. Seems he's gogo dancing at Faces, and they want more men. Another offer, another pause.

This is unlike me, why pause? If going with the flow and doing whatever is offered is really fate, I should do 'Naked Boys Singing' and start gogo dancing. If I turn down these offers then I will begin to question why I have gone this far. Why I've done everything offered to me before. There should be no question at all, or else I should question all I have done.

I wonder if someone else has thoughts to lend me... if this has all been read, I'm sure there is a thought or two that could help.

Bjork

2006-07-17T01:15:00.000-07:00

A small musical break from your daily life to perhaps expand your thinking for the day.

Here we have the music video to 'Bachelorette' by Bjork.

Bjork has to be of my favorite artists with her quirky songs that each capture a story or mood that no other artist can even come close to mimicking.

This is my favorite video and song she has put out, beautiful song and story, both full of emotion.

Frustration

2006-07-09T03:56:00.000-07:00

If you dance, this will be full of some interesting things to keep in mind.

First off, when you're dancing with a partner, never change choreography without first telling your partner, and then practicing the changes you discuss by actually dancing those changes in the dance before going on stage in front of an audience.

Seems simple, but as a solo dancer, you may forget that you can't make changes on the fly without telling anyone.

Imagine this combination: You are with a partner pivoting in place with waltz timing, then after one turn you chasse back and the girl is lifted, then moving from that position travel to the right in a pas de bourree, glissade, and then lift the girl again.

Simple? Okay, to the non-dancers the answer is, "yes. simple."

So now let's imagine one say, goes through a tech week before the run of a show consisting of five run throughs with the choreographer of the dance present at each one and things are great, going the same every time, things are good.

Now let's imagine say... an opening night. On this night the female 'dance captain' says something about a possible run-through of this dance at intermission for everyone to warm up for it which happens during the second act of the show.

Now let's say one male partner is present at said intermission although they are wanting to instead rest, but their partner is not present. Understandable, yes? I mean they both went through five shows of doing the dance during tech week, things should be great.

However when the dance happens, a simple 'fish' move (ballet style dip) doesn't work because the female dancer doesn't hit a pose and freeze in it so the male can lift them to spiral her around and do the fish. Then the choreography of the male running her off stage left is suddenly changed as the female grabs the male after the failed fish and pulls him ungracefully off stage... right?

Interesting so far? Let's keep going to further explain why the title of this post is lovingly called, "Frustration."

So after this opening night dance, the male gives the female a note about how to do the fish correctly by her hitting her pose and staying in it until the male lifts her at which time the female stays in the pose until the lift ends.

The whole 'leaving stage right' even though that didn't happen any of the five tech week practices with the choreographer present, and even though the female did it without telling the male in advance, or ever practicing that exit with the male in advance was unprofessional, but let's assume the male is now over it.

Second night. Intermission. The dance captain again is going over this dance, and the male from the previous examples is present, but no partner to be found. Again, understandable since the note given must have been completely understood by the female partner, and leaving off stage right instead of left is now assumed to be, "what she wants."

The dance starts. Remember the combination from before? Here is a refresher: pivoting in place with waltz timing, then after one turn you chasse back and the girl is lifted... oh what's this? After the pivot in place the girl is dragging the male across the stage from stage left to stage right during the counts they are supposed to chasse back and lift the girl! Once in this new location, which is right next to the presidium (in fact the male reaches out and touches it) the counts they are now at include the pas de bourree to the right, glissade to the right, and then a lift.

Instantly a few flags should pop up in your head.

1. Why did one partner (for the second time) throw in new choreography which was different then the five tech week rehearsals with the choreographer present, and why did they not inform the other partner they were making said change, or practice that change prior to being in front of a live audience?

2. Why did this partner skip out on the practices during intermission if they wanted a change?

3. What will happen from this new position if the couple does the pas de bourree to the right, followed by a glissade to the right, and then a lift that travels a few steps?

To answer the third question, they would end up in the wings before the lift even began.

So how did the 'fish' go after that combination and after the male had clarified the 'fish' the previous night with the female not attending intermission practice so all was assumed to be understood?

Here is a clue: The girl took the male's hand, spun into him, them put one arm around the male's neck. Her left arm. Around the back of the male's neck. For a fish lift.

Need another clue? IT FAILED.

I'm not even going to say who this 'male' and 'female' was, but think all dancers out there can learn from them, and the female's mistakes.

Moral of the story?

First off, when you're dancing with a partner, never change choreography without first telling your partner, and then practicing the changes you discuss by actually dancing those changes in the dance before going on stage in front of an audience.

Secondly, never think you're so hot you don't need to practice when a dance captain gives you the chance to during an intermission. Especially if you messed up the dance the night before.

Personally? I think the female is a good dancer.

I never understood why she wasn't pursuing dance later in her life until the show tonight happened.

Thus ends my 'Frustration' as I'm over it, like the times before.

Shortcuts don't exist

2006-05-26T01:13:00.000-07:00

Usually bulletin messages don't flatter me, but this latest one was interesting. The way it works is you go down to the month you were born, and it reveals 'mysteries' about yourself. Really, I don't like fortunes that 'predict' who you are. When someone can guess my age that's not impressive, I already knew that. However when someone can tell me the future and turns out right.. I may start thinking they're on to something.

"Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind."

I was at a bar with a few friends and a girl came up to me and started chatting. It was fun, then her boyfriend came over. This is where I usually leave, however she then asked me something like how tall I was... 6'1" I replied and she flipped out. Apparently her psychic she uses to talk to her husband who passed away in a car accident predicted me, and that I would marry her friend. Needless to say I left before I even met that friend and the moral of the story is that you always need to help your friends realize that psychics are not always right. Could I possibly meet that 'friend' in the future because it was 'destined to be' and even marry her? Possible, but unlikely.

Friends don't let friends pay psychics.

January 2006

2006-01-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

I've been dancing ballroom styles now about three hours a night five days a week and already I'm feeling ready for competition. The girl I dance with is from Placer Theatre Ballet's 'The Nutcracker' and so I find myself with her more then anyone else these past few weeks. Hopefully I can convince her that we will do alright in perhaps International Standard Waltz in a Newcomer division of the San Francisco Open Dancesport Championships, and prior to that just view what ballroom competition is like at the City Lights Ball in San Francisco earlier in March.

Dances I've learned and feel good at performing are International Standard Waltz, Argintine Tango, Salsa, East Coast Swing, Rumba, Cha-Cha, Foxtrot.. have a taste of a few others but Salsa and Swing remain the hardest not due to difficulty, but the amount of moves you need to know to keep things fresh and not repeat the same few steps over and over. I can quickly blaze through all my moves in Swing in a minute of dance, and in Salsa things are so complicated I end up doing things simple then busting out some complicated maneuvers that I run out of after a few minutes of movement.

Chad and Marie (http://www.chadnree.com/) from the Ballroom of Sacramento (http://www.sacdance.com/) remain the strongest inspiration to me and the girl I've been dancing with, and if you are in the Sacramento area, a class from them is amazing. If you are not interested in the International Standard dances for competition then I'd say grab the best Salsa teacher in the Sacamento area for a lesson who is all over the place. Fahad (http://www.salsasacramento.com/) is amazing and the Monday night advanced Salsa class at the Ballroom consists of a 'battle' of moves old school break-dancer style between guys and girls, then a blazing set of moves that form 1-3 minute long Salsa routines. Great stuff.

Besides Ballroom I've enrolled in some cheap dance classes at local colleges to save money on studio fees. So far I've seen one girl I've danced with in 'The Music Man' and another that used to teach at Hawkin's School of Performing Arts who I run into from time to time in the dance world. That girl is starting a High School dance program somewhere that slips my mind, and is still trying to get together 32 units of dance under her belt to fill requirements for the teaching program she is in. I sometimes consider the path she has taken.. but crossing the line into becoming a dedicated teacher could sap away my chances at still dancing professionally.

Ballet, Jazz, Modern, Tap, Pilates, social styles (listed above), all together I'm taking 5-6 hours of dance a day, plus fitting in JUST enough work to keep my job at the California Arts Council and pay some bills. I only wish I had more time in the week to continue partnering at Hawkins' School and also Deane Dance Center (http://www.deanedancecenter.com/) which I was told I am always invited to help in partnering classes and then take a free class as well. I'd also love to teach more at the new school that replaced the Roseville School of Dance that I taught partnering at, but again time is the enemy.

This weekend is auditions for Alice in Wonderland for Placer Theatre Ballet, but they have my number and I will dance for them if they need a guy and call me. Again time is the enemy. Sad really.. next month I'll be starting a diet I was on in the past and have no idea why I stopped. Proteinfactory.com is the best place to get your powders from, and I'll be on a custom mix of many sources of protein forming a 200 cal / 50g protein drink that I can intake 3x a day and balance with 1500 cals of carbs from pasta drenched in olive oil for my fats. Pair that up with some flax and fish oil, a multivitamin and Glucosamine... why eat anything else? Can't wait to order that and start Feb 1st.

Performances. Next weekend on Saturday I have two tickets to Carmina Burana that is a sneak peek at the Sacramento Ballet (http://www.sacballet.org/) training studio, and then Sunday is a performance by my brother in the morning and Swan Lake performed by The San Francisco Ballet in the afternoon. I still have tickets to the actual theatrical performance of Carmina Burana which I received as a Christmas present as well, and two weeks ago I saw Corteo from Cirque du Soleil (http://www.cirquedusoleil.com/CirqueDuSoleil/en/showstickets/corteo/intro/intro.htm) in San Francisco so performance wise I'm content. I only wish I could get my teaching bug out of me somehow, but training people the ballroom moves I've learned is working out somewhat in that area.

Until Febuary..

Lack of Grandparents

2005-12-18T03:05:00.000-08:00

Found out today my last remaining grandparent died on Monday. This was my grandmother on my father's side.

The last time I saw her was a few short weeks ago in LA, in good spirits because my father mother and brother were all there with me talking to her. Visit was short, a few words spoken and small conversation outdoors.

I would have liked to talk to her about her life and my grandfather's, history and events to write down for the family tree. Keeping a good history is good for future generations like that. Besides that note, I'm happy for her. Old age brings medical issues and pain, but the greatest pain must be the loss of your spouse after decades of marriage, and seeing all your friends leave this plane of existence.

Now she is free to join a world some fear, and some look forward to.
I survive, and only after then do I think. For to live is to suffer, and to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.

Today was my friend Dan's birthday. Twenty-Five he joins a few others in our group in the quarter century club. Private event at his house, and fun times were had by all.

We were kids, we were in high school, and most now married. We live and suffer. We die. Time is short, but I enjoy loose planning and the ability to go with the flow of life and down any path that I am led. Death would be an excellent adventure, and I look forward to the next opportunity to be set in front of me before that moment comes.

Birthday and Ballet

2005-11-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

November 23rd was my birthday and while I seem to be going back each year to ClaimJumpers for happy hour with close friends. Last year Ken lit his hand on fire in glory that hasn't been seen since Rick shot off a fireball in San Fransisco one year and showed us all that you should never douse your hand in lighter fluid and then set it ablaze.

Thanks to Dustin and Ashley, Ken, Tony, and Tanya who came by for drinks etc.
Recently I've been given tickets to many ballets in the area, and have been able to sit center orchestra in some expensive venues.

Dracula at the Sacramento Community Center Theatre was excellent although I enjoyed The Illuminations and The Four Temperaments better then the main event. Thanks to Tiana for going with me, almost wasted a great seat!

Ballet Hispanico at the Davis Mondavi Center was excellent and I have to say that their performance of Nightclub was incredible. I've never seen a ballet-modern mix like that and probably some of the greatest dancing I've ever seen. The use of smoke and lighting stands out in my mind, although I preferred the 1920s and 40s scenes much more then the last 'modern' act.

Alonzo King Lines Ballet in San Francisco's Yuba Buena Center for the Arts. What can I say? Alonzo King creates the most unique choreography you can ever see. Each movement and pose you can grasp, but the movements and speed make everything an artistic blur that really shows the skill of the dancers and strength of the choreography. Thanks to Tim who I convinced to go down to SF with me under the promise of stopping by the pier and getting a bread bowl of chowder. Clear, warm, and light crowds made it an excellent day in the bay.

So far I've gone through three of the six performances I have for Placer Theatre Ballet's Nutcracker, and with a cast of over 100 dancers, it really is amazing. I'm lucky enough to have my makeup applied by my fellow Arabian Victor who did makeup for Star Wars and many other high profile studios in the bay area and around the world which is neat.

Next year I hope to do Placer Theatre again with a small role in Sac Ballet as well as doing cavalier and choreography for Roseville School of Dance which is now something like 'Lines' or a name with the word 'Line' in it. Hopefully I can start teaching there again after Christmas break as well as gain my weekends back to rejoin my group at Dean's Dance Center which is potentially Sac Ballet's dance school, but for now only a type of 'partnership' exists between the two entities.

Yet Another Friend Married

2005-10-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

High School buddy Randall Plank got married on October 8th here in downtown Sac so this post is a bit delayed.

Excellent wedding... I'd almost say it was the best one I've ever been to as far as flow went. You had an amazing father of the bride speech, a sweet father-daughter dance, mother-son dance... it was all amazing.

The other thing that was amazing was the amount of alcohol those two gathered for the wedding. I'd say twenty or so handles of hard liquor and dozens of bottles of wine and champane. To top it off they also had a keg of Bud Light.

Randy's new wife Jes is a perfect match for him and can handle the booze like him too. Her father in the afterparty did something like an 18 second keg stand, then some young female right after did a 20 and laughed at him. After that he did a stand that lasted 32 seconds and earned the respect of everyone and had Randy screaming about the best father in law ever to walk the planet.

Good times.

Another One Bites the Dust

2005-09-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

So on Friday the 9th (9-9-2005), my friends Dan and Andrea got married (finally) after being engaged for something like six years. Highschool sweethearts, their story is a great one, and this past year there has been some rough times which just show that being together through it all their love is strong.

Congrats Dan and Andrea.

Great wedding... small group in a large cathedral in downtown Sacramento... the RECEPTION on the 15th floor of the Hyatt overlooking the capital park that night... WOW.

So open bar right? Okay yeah after that it gets fuzzy... j/k. Great times had by all, dancing with cute girls and great food just added to the whole experience. Even FIREWORKS in their honor. Gotta love that.

The way they looked together made me almost wish I could hold a relationship longer then a few dates... then I realize I can't afford a steady relationship.

Curse of the dancer: Being poor.