Paul and Sara

Communication And Long Distance Relationships

Paul — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 14:29:21 +0000

This is talking too.

One of the biggest issues that Sara and I still face on a day to day basis is communication. Seriously.

I know that may be hard to believe considering that we are both highly articulate speakers. Both of us are bloggers and both very capable of expressing ourselves. We indulge in said expression sometimes to the extent of flogging a dead donkey, but there you have it, communication can be difficult for us at least under the circumstances of a long distance relationship.

Being apart, while we wait for our circumstances to change so that we can proceed with visa applications means that the dynamic of our relationship is not the same.

Living and conducting the day to day affairs of our lives is not made easy by the pressures of being 4000 miles apart. We have Skype. We get to see each other everyday. Have it on together at night going to sleep so we get a sense of being with each other while we sleep. Watch movies together online. Work on our projects. Celebrate etc.. We talk constantly, but talking is not everything when it comes to communication.

The last time I got to touch Sara was in December. I’m not referring to sex, I’m referring to the little things that happen between a couple that are part of communication. Holding hands. Touching her hair. Putting my arm around her while we sit on the couch. Reaching out to put my arm around her while we lie in bed at night. These things, these little touches, small kisses and the ability to even see someones posture in its entirety, to smell them, to be able to bring them a cup of coffee (teas in Sara’s case, she can’t drink coffee) are all part of communication.

The are all part of the essential day to day communication between any couple and sometimes all the talk in the world can’t make up for their absence.

Of course, the fact that I am a stubborn old git doesn’t help in our case, but hopefully others going through a long distance relationship won’t be burdened with my particular brand of charm

I have and will continue to cherish the times I get to spend with Sara as we await being together permanently. Not just because I am with her and get to hold her but because for those few weeks at a time we get to do most of our communicating, and when we do I get to see how truly close we are. How truly right for each other we are and how much I could never be apart from her.

For anybody else going through a long distance relationship, please let me give you this little bit of advice.

It’s important to communicate always, but it’s never more important than during those times you are together in real life. I know it’s tempting to travel, meet all your friends, do the things that couple do in the dark ( or the park ) and get wrapped up in the trip, to get wrapped up in the “what shall we do together”. Even more important, in my experience at least, is the time you spend just with your partner. The time you spend pushing a trolley around Walmart, snuggled under a blanket watching a movie, playing board games, lying in bed talking, strolling through the park talking and oblivious to the rest of the world.

In other words, when you are together in real life, that is the time you should communicate. That is the time you should be attentive and do all the little things that you can’t do via Skype. That is the time to hold her (or his) hand, to brush her cheek, to show her, without words, that you are listening, that you are there and that you care.

That unspoken communication is what will sustain you both during the long months apart.

His Very First Twinkie

Sara — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:32:52 +0000

One of the culture differences Paul and I regularly run across is food. This has made for some interesting conversations, and sometimes even debates over things like whether something is a ‘biscuit’ or a ‘cookie’. Being a southern girl to the core I know darn well what a biscuit is, and that the only acceptable way to eat one is with either homemade sausage gravy, or smothered in butter and jelly.

Those flat, skinny things he pulls out of a packet, often with one side of them covered in chocolate? Most definitely not a biscuit.

Culinary semantics aside, we also have pretty regular moments of “Omg, you’ve never had ??? How could you not have had that???” Before Paul came over in December, I learned to my complete and utter dismay that he’d never tried a Twinkie.

Seriously dude? For real?

Twinkies are such an ingrained childhood thing here that we can’t imagine a life without them, even when we generally don’t eat them anymore as adults. Remember the great Twinkie Hunt Woody Harrelson’s character was on in ‘Zombieland’? Let’s just say I have no doubt whatsoever that should the world be taken over by flesh-eating freaks, someone somewhere will be stockpiling Twinkies.

Clearly the deficiency of Hostess goodness in his life had to be resolved when he came for his next visit.

Paul flew in on the 2nd of December, and on the 5th we went shopping for supplies for the housewarming party on the 6th. We got the necessary bits and pieces, and picked up a box of Twinkies, which I told him we had to wait to open, because our friend Heather had been so shocked at his Twinkie virginity that I told her she would be there when he tried them, and Paul said I made the whole thing sound like a threesome. Considering the semi-orgasmic taste experience of a Twinkie, I couldn’t really disagree.

That night with everyone over and someone recording on their iPhone, Paul got his first taste of a Twinkie. His reaction? See for yourself..

The Proposal

Sara — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 17:53:19 +0000

(Cross-posted from Suburban Oblivion.)

A bunch of Twitter locals get together for a Tweetup, something cool happens and someone catches it on their iPhone, video is uploaded to Youtube and people are tweeting it within minutes.

It may be the epitome of geeky, but when Paul proposed on December 6th with many of our close friends there to share in the moment, that’s exactly what happened. Thanks to Alli recording the video and Chris taking pictures, we have a beautiful visual record of what many often don’t, and we are able to share that with those we wish could have been there with us (Amanda and Christy especially, miss you guys!) but couldn’t.

Paul popping the question as twitter locals share in the moment.

The actual capturing of the video was incredibly lucky, because he hadn’t told anyone he was going to ask when he did. He did however start his speech with something along the lines of us ‘never breaking up again’ or something to that effect, and Allie decided just being a smartass that she needed to get that statement on video. We are so glad she did!

Since we are anything but traditional, you know the ring had to be different as well. Instead of a diamond solitaire, the center stone is an emerald (he’s from Ireland, and we met in May) with emerald-cut diamonds on either side. Stunning!

Thank you so very much to everyone who was here to share in the moment, and to all of our friends who couldn’t be here but have sent their well-wishes via Twitter, Facebook and email.

Most of all thank you to Paul, my wonderful, sweet, pain in the ass husband-to-be for making the moment so special. This has been so hard-earned for us, but so worth it. I love you.

Now I Can Move On

Paul — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:06:11 +0000

They're like me!

Cross posted to PaulOFlaherty.com

I just got the call. My divorce is finally over!

It’s been two long years, involved moving from one country to another, changing everything in my life and a lot of trials and tribulations but it is finally over.

It’s less than an hour since I got the call that it is all done and it’s hard to describe what I’m feeling right now.

I’m overwhelmed.

I feel regret that it took so long to get done and that things were so difficult.

There is a massive sense of relief. It’s done. It’s like the elephant that has been sitting on my shoulders for the past two years has finally gone it’s own way.

There is happiness. I’m happy that it is all over. That I am now free to move on. That my now legally ex-wife has moved on with her life and that I won’t have to deal with legalities or the leech on ones soul that is waiting.

Above all I am overjoyed. I can now legally move on and be with Sara. We can push forward with our plans without waiting on courts or papers on my side.

Yes, above all I am overjoyed that everything is finally finished. Now I can build towards my future with Sara without the stress or uncertainties of waiting and not knowing if the courts would had me a decision today, tomorrow, next week or next month.

It’s done. I am happy. We can be happy.

Thank you to everyone who has stood by and shown their support while this has gone on. Friends, family, Sara, thank you! I love you all.

A Bit of Video From Our Early Days

Sara — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:43:42 +0000

We were uploading pics to the gallery and I remembered we had a bit of video of me, Paul, and Steven Smith, taken by Shashi Bellamkonda from the Friday night boat ride at Sobcon 2008 in Chicago. Since we are finally able to, we thought we’d go ahead and post it. This was the weekend Paul and I first met IRL, so got quite a kick out of watching it again. Ahhh, memories

Hard to believe it’s been 18 months since that trip!

We put up a ton of pics in the gallery, so feel free to check them out

Another Blog Comes Out of the Closet

Sara — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:50:51 +0000

I didn’t plan to announce this blog tonight. Certainly not without Paul here, and definitely not the night before my divorce hearing. I never claimed to have stellar timing.

That said, as I sit here I can’t think of any reason not to. You see, I found out today that my ex plans to attempt to use the photo from the geek dinner post against me in court tomorrow, among many, MANY other printouts of my online activities. I have to kind of connect the dots here, but I can only assume the ‘my kitchen’ written on the printout means they plan to make some sort of a statement about the fact that Paul was here in August. A statement that as far as I can see will affect absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. We will still be getting divorced, and my kids still are not aware of Paul’s existence and won’t be until the legalities on both sides are done. Ian hadn’t lived here for 5 months when that picture was taken, and it was 14 months after I’d filed for divorce.

What has changed however is that I now know that my ex knows about this website. I suspected before, but we weren’t sure, and in an attempt not to aggravate the current climate, we kept this site low-key and didn’t really use it.

Fuck that.

As far as I’m concerned we are now officially bringing PaulandSara.us out of the closet. We started this site as a way to document the journey we are taking together, but then hesitated, not knowing how to proceed with all the court stuff.

The truth is that when we got together, we were both married. Neither of us have tried to deny it, or claim that what we did was not an affront to our already-dying relationships. We have each paid enormous costs for those actions, and there are and continue to be ramifications for what we have done.

That said, who we are and how we started are common knowledge. We have both in our separate legal situations taken the stand and admitted what we have done. We have both blogged about it. Everyone who knows us well enough to know us both are aware that we started down this road in less than ideal circumstances. This is, to be quite honest, last year’s news in all respects.

I’m done with worrying about what anyone else thinks, and what is going to be held up in court next. What this has shown me is that clearly anyone who wants to find what we are doing online, even if we don’t promote it, is going to find it. If they want to be obsessive and make themselves feel bad, that’s their issue, not ours.

We are moving on with our lives, both online and off.

Dinner With Sara And Friends

Paul — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:00:00 +0000

I was over in Mobile last week spending some necessary and overdue time with Sara and got a very clear glimpse of what future dinner times are going to be like when I marry a woman who is clearly as big a geek as I am.

As you can see, we had all of our friends for dinner as well

Distance and Paranoia

Paul — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 00:43:16 +0000

When Sara and I got into this relationship we new that things would be hard. We weren’t blind or ignorant of the issues that we would face and we certainly were in no doubt that we would be facing one of the trials of our life.

What neither of is expected was that things would be this hard.

Nasty divorces, 4000 miles of distance and the sheer time that we have to spend apart has torn us apart, ripped us down and made us both paranoid to a level that would never occur had we been living just a few hours apart.

I must admit that things have been incredibly stressed for us over the last few months and in all honesty I am a large, if not the largest part of this.

Both Sara and I have our difficulties with the other being so far away. I know Sara doesn’t like it when I go meet my friends, go play play pool and have drinks with friends.

I know I don’t like it when Sara is out with others.

I fear losing her. To me she is everything. She is so beautiful that, despite the fact she tells me that other men don’t pay attention to her, I know that they do and I fear them trying to steal her away from me.

I told Sara once, and I still stand by this, that if I had never met her online, if we had only crossed paths in a bar or at a social function somewhere, I would not have walked up and talked to her. I would have been too afraid. A woman like her is so far out of my league that I cannot believe she’s with me and I cannot understand why she is.

Anyway, as I was saying, things have been hard.

We feel the deepest need to be on Skype together, on video and voice chat, when we can’t be together, simply because we can’t see each other in real life.

At the moment we’ve been averaging a week together every 3 months. Usually I go to Alabama to see Sara and once she’s come here to Ireland.

Hopefully, the next time, Sara will be coming here again.

Not being together in real life leads us to overcompensate with being online together sometimes. It becomes this crazy obsession that we need to spend time to make up for the fact that we both see things as if 2 hours online together is barely worth 2 seconds in real life and we want all the time we can have together.

As I said, we over compensate and this leads to further issues.

It leads to both of us spending so much time online that we feel restricted by it. We develop some strange form of cabin fever.

Worse, when we’re not together it makes us worry about what the other is doing, because they’re not with us. She’s not here. What is she doing? Who is she with? Who has she met? Will she come home tonight still my girlfriend and future wife?

I, perhaps, suffer from this paranoia the most.

I know Sara does too and I just don’t know how to alleviate it.

We try to compensate. We try to schedule our time together so we get used to spending some time apart.

When that doesn’t work, we fight.

Oh, yes, we fight and when you have two large personalities with massive opinions that are as stubborn as we are, well you get the picture, we fight!

But the thing is this: I love Sara.

I love her more than anything in the world. Without her I wouldn’t have the strength to do what I do. Wouldn’t have the strength or the courage to deal with my depression, to work through everything and to put all my hopes and dreams into Sara and our future. A future which sometimes seems impossible, but considering how many impossible things we have already achieved to stay together, has to work.

I want my future with Sara. I want us to be together. Want to be her family, to grow our family and to spend my life looking after her.

I want Sara to be free and I want to give Sara the freedom to be what she wants, to explore life and grow in whatever directions she needs.

I love Sara and even though we’ve been on together today, I miss her.

I can’t wait to see her beautiful smile again, run my fingers through her gorgeous hair, look into those amazing blue eyes and tell her, as I kiss her perfect lips, that I love her.

Sleepless in Alabama

Sara — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 05:52:44 +0000

As the crow flies, there is 4,172.4 miles between Mobile, AL and Cobh, Ireland.

Tonight it feels like a million.

The distance is a constant thing for us, and something we struggle to compensate for, usually successfully. Video and voice chat are usually open if we are both around, even if we have different things going on. Sometimes we’ll even leave Skype on when we go to sleep. It may sound silly, but leaving that connection open..it helps. If one of us wakes up, the other is right there, in the best way we can be right now.

This is something we accept, because it’s temporary. It’s hard, but we deal with it. Until the legalities are done, it is what it is. We find our strength in each other, and we keep trudging on.

Usually.

Tonight it’s not so easy. Paul has been asleep for a couple hours, and I should be too, but it’s just not there for me right now. He’s all I can think about. How much I miss him. How much I need him. How I would give absolutely anything in the world for just a few minutes with him.

With all the pain and uncertainty I’ve had to deal with in the last few months, he has been my constant. My rock.

4,172.4 miles.

*Deep breath* We’ll make it. I know we will.

Still, the knowing doesn’t make it any easier, at least not tonight.

I miss him.

Reflecting on 2 Years of Absolute Fucking Madness

Paul and Sara — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 03:49:11 +0000

2 years ago today this cranky git (Sara of course) got her knickers in a twist and stuck her nose where it didn’t belong. In the process she and some of of her readers abused someone I know. I stepped in, called everybody out and that’s how Sara got her talons into me 2 years ago today. I’m telling ya, if I’d known what writing that post would have resulted in, I’d have smashed my router.

Still, here we are today. Still bickering, very much in love and still on the road to being together for the rest of our lives.

Sara, I’m sure has a much longer winded version of the story to tell. Which will probably involve me being seven kinds kinds of a mean bastard and indulging in various degrees of debauchery, but, hell, I’ll just let my original post speak for itself (I know I’m a mean bastard ).

Sara, thank you for the last two years. Thank you for being my friend and my love. Thank you for giving me my hopes and dreams. Thank you for letting me into your life, for being my strength and for loving me.

Here’s to the rest of our lives.

I love you! Even when you drive me spare

Paul.

Plain White T’s 1,2,3,4

You know dear, every time you tell this story you fail to mention the most important part, which is that in the end, I was right, the $25,000 prize never came to be!

One of these days you’ll figure out that I’m not often wrong, and we’ll fight so much less…

And why do you not mention how you started stalking me online? Following me on Twitter? Watching me on Ustream? Oh wait, that was me stalking you. Details, details…

When I think back over the last two years, I keep coming back to everything we’ve shared. With our relationship starting online, we’ve talked more in 2 years than most couples do in a decade. The ups, the downs, the divorces, the drama…And still you’ve stuck by me.

You’ve given me so much, I don’t know where to start. You made me start believing in myself when I was at my lowest. You’ve taught me the difference between wanting something and going after it. You’ve made me truly understand that life isn’t about getting by, it’s about truly living, and going after every experience.

Thank you for being my life, my love, my soulmate.

I love you always.

Sara.

Cheeseball Picture of the Two of Us

Sara — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:26:11 +0000

Just wanted to share an oh-so-rare picture we got of us together while Paul was here on vacation April 23-28. This was taken at a Tweetup we organized for him to meet the locals, seeing as how he’ll likely be seeing them again soon!

Thanks to Alli for her fine photography skills You can find more of her Tweetup pics from that night here.

Men vs. Women Classes Redux

Paul and Sara — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:58:10 +0000

We sat down for two days and fought, screamed, cried, bit, kicked, squabbled, and consumed copious amounts of wine and Malibu and eventually came up with this, our own version of the Men vs. Women piece, in order to help our readers better understand why the other half of their relationship drives them spare. (Ok, it’s not helping us any, but maybe it will for you.)

Classes for Women

Basic Survival- How to Get By With Less Than 20 Pairs of Shoes

The Dangers of False Advertising- Padding is Bad: A Guide to Understanding Why Men Want to Wake Up Next to the Same Woman They Went to Sleep With

Makeup 1a : Applying Makeup Without Using a Trowel
Makeup 1b : Why the Rear-View Mirror is Not for Makeup Application

Dating Economics I- Why Men Hate When You Order a $25 Cocktail and Then Leave Half Dating Economics II- Eating in Public and Why It’s Acceptable

Sociology I- Overcoming Your Fear of Using the Bathroom Alone

Planning For the Future I- Getting Him to Marry You Does Not Require a Pregnancy Test
Planning For the Future II- Sex Doesn’t Stop After the Wedding

Fashion For the Married Woman- Why Sweats Don’t Work and Why Lingerie Won’t Kill You
Fashion For the Married Woman II- Classic Clothing: Wearing What You Already Own

Environmental Studies- Hairspray And It’s Effects on the Ozone

Dealing With Men- Understanding Why Flowers and Chocolate Doesn’t Always Mean He’s Fucked Up

Effective Communication I- Learning to Say What You Mean, Not What You Expect Him to Decipher
Effective Communication II- Learning That He Says What He Means, There Is Nothing for You to Decipher
Effective� Communication III- How to Make ‘I’m Sorry’ Sound Sincere While Continuing to Lie Through Your Teeth
Optional Credit Course- When He Says Yes Immediately, Either He Wasn’t Listening or Didn’t Understand the Question

Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments I- How Not to Walk in Front in Front of the TV During a Game
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments II- Why His Friends Hanging Out at Your Place is a Good Thing

Timekeeping For Beginners- How to Avoid Leaving the House 10 Minutes After You Are Supposed to be There

Sex Ed for Women- You ARE Allowed to Participate!
Sex Ed for Women II- The Mouth is For More Than Just Kissing
Sex Ed for Women III- Spontaneity, and Why Scheduling is Bad

Bathroom Etiquette For Beginners- Anyone Can Put the Toilet Seat Down
Intermediate Bathroom Etiquette- Respecting Razor Boundaries
Optional Credit Course- You Too Can Remove Your Hair From the Drain

PMS- Your Problem, Not His

Classes for Men

Hygiene 101- If Your Socks Don’t Bend, It IS a Problem! (Or ‘Why You Require More Than One Pair of Underwear’�)

Dating Economics I- If You Can Spend $69 on a Video Game, You Can Afford to Take Her Out
Dating Economics II- Going Dutch May Be Fair, But It Won’t Get You Laid

Health I- Why a Beer Gut is Not Attractive- How to Distinguish Between a 6-Pack and a Keg
Health II- Dealing With Constipation: How to Pass a Pub Without Going In

Drunk Dialing- What It Is and How to Avoid It

Fashion For Men- Letting Go of the 80’s:� If You Owned It Then, It Shouldn’t Be Worn Now

Admitting You Are Wrong in 3 Easy Steps*
*Pre-requisite for ‘Admitting You Are Drunk- Why Telling the Truth is Not As Hard as it Seems’.

Effective Communication I- Choosing Your Words, A Simple Guide to Realizing She Takes Nothing At Face Value
Effective Communication II- Why Just ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ Are Never Acceptable Answers
Effective Communication III- Apologies and Reparations- Getting Yourself Out of the Doghouse and Back Into Her Bed*
*Advanced Level Course, Must Have Completed Effective Communication I and II

Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments I- The More She’s on the Phone, The Less She’s Nagging You
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments II- Lessons on the Consistent Use of “Yes”, “You are Right”, and “You Look Great in That”
Avoiding Unnecessary Arguments III- When to Give Up and Say Nothing at All

Reality vs. Perception- Understanding that You Are Not James Bond
Reality vs. Perception II- Basic Measuring Techniques, and the Difference Between 4 Inches and 8
Optional Credit Course- Why Women Can’t Park Cars When You Lie to Them About Distance. (Reality vs. Perception II Required.)

Home Ec� I- Cleaning Instruments and How to Use Them
Home Ec� II- Basic to Intermediate Hoover Driving with Practical Demonstration on Going Under and Around Furniture
Home Ec� III- Avoiding Comparisons Between Your Wife and Your Mother
Home Ec� IV- How to Prepare a Meal Without Using a Grill or the Phone Number to Pizza Hut

Human Biology- Why Mentioning Her Weight or Eating Habits During Pregnancy Can Be Fatal

Sex Ed For Men I- Foreplay Requires More Than Just Taking Off Your Pants
Sex Ed For Men II- Discovering Your Tongue and Fingers, and Basic Techniques for Using Them
Sex Ed For Men III- Why Some Moves Will Only Ever Happen on TV, and How to Know the Difference

Bathroom Etiquette For Beginners- You Too Can Leave the Bathroom in Less Than 20 Minutes
Intermediate Bathroom Etiquette- Air Fresheners and How to Use Them
Advanced Bathroom Etiquette- Techniques For Hiding the Victoria’s Secret Catalog

PMS- Why It Really IS Your Problem (Effective Communication III Recommended But Not Required)

Summer Classes For Men, or ‘Who Writes This Shit??’

Paul and Sara — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:08:52 +0000

My friend Christy sent me this, and without thinking about it I forwarded it on to Paul. As usual he had something to say about it. Ok, a LOT to say about it, not that I should have been surprised. Do men really need this kind of training? You decide. ~Sara

SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE

ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17th 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

(Okay two things here! First off, real men don’t need ice It just doesn’t go with beer or wine. That’s for your Baileys and mudslides! Next, who the fuck uses ice cube trays anymore? Us men moved on to using ice cube bags to make your ice years ago! http://bit.ly/Gfvl (Those would be the blue things you see in the bottom of the freezer while you’re staring at the ice cube trays getting mad! – Paul)

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

(Yeah, and for the women “How to Put a Toilet Paper Roll on the Dispenser Properly”- an easy course designed to teach you that the paper is supposed to hang down on the outside where it is easiest to grab, not right up against the wall. This course would then be followed up with “Remembering to Replace the Toilet Paper Roll and Why it’s Just Plain Evil to Leave One Fecking Sheet on the Roll!” – Paul)

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?–Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Lets see you stand up and hit the target! ‘Nuff said! – Paul)

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

(“Fundamental Difference Between the Clothes Hangar and the Radiator.” “How Not to Have Your Knickers on Display When Your Friends Come Around in 1 Easy Step!” Also offering “The Differences Between Tools and Kitchen Utensils, a Visual Discovery! Or maybe “Plumbing 101, How to Unclog a Pipe Without Screaming “Paul!!! The Sinks Blocked! Can you fix it?”- Paul)

Class 5

Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

(How about – “How to Have Patience and Wait 10 Fecking Minutes!” Or “Electricity 101 – Why Knives and Toasters are a Bad Combination!” and for the ultra lazy female with a recycling fetish, “Disposable Plates – the Joys of Cardboard” ROFL – Paul)

Class 6

Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

(It’s not “Loss of Identity”, it’s survival. We don’t want out brains melted by the mind numbing tedium of yet another soap opera. Real life is happening outside your window women! You don’t need to live vicariously through soap operas. You do know why they’re called “soaps” don’t you? Because they scrub your brain of all ability for independent thought and the desire to live YOUR OWN life! – Paul)

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

(Yeah, because if you looked in the “right place” the thing wouldn’t need finding to begin with! – Paul)

Class 8

Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health

Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Until she starts asking “WHY” have you brought me flowers and/or chocolates? What did you do? What do you want? – Paul)

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

(If you’d shut up for five minutes to let us drive in peace we may not get lost to begin with. After that just remember that you taking the map and reading it upside down only gets us more lost. And the reason we don’t want to stop, roll down the window, and talk to other people is because we don’t want to expose them to your verbal barrage of nagging! – Paul)

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

(Yeah, because parallel parking really takes 15 minutes and 12 attempts!! – Paul)

Class 11

Learning to Live–Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

(You don’t fuck your mother (unless you live in Alabama)! – Paul)

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

(In other words learn how to follow her around like a docile sheep while she spends all your cash!

Tip – be the ideal shopping companion by remembering that she looks great in everything and that the pants she spent twenty minutes trying to squeeze into does NOT make her ass look fat!

Here’s another tip for ya – Want a free night out with the lads because she doesn’t want to talk to you? Just be honest with her. Those new pants doesn’t make her ass look fat! Her fat ass makes her look fat! – Paul)

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

(Yeah – how about for women “Time, is Measured in Seconds” 5 minutes does not equal two chronological hours! Or, “Doing What I Say I’ll Do” -a twelve step course to keeping the promises I make and how to make sure that when I leave for an appointment it’s not 10 minutes after I’m supposed to be there. – Paul)

Class 14

The Stove/Oven–What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

(I’ve yet to meet a woman that can cook. Yet I do know one that can give you food poisoning just by choosing a restaurant! – Paul)

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Flipping the Bird at Convention

Paul and Sara — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 21:00:28 +0000

For those of you with reasonably functional ocular capabilities, you’ll notice that that PaulandSara.us is the twisted brainchild of Sara from Suburbanoblivion.com and Paul from Pauloflaherty.com. Here we will document our rants, our raves, our opinions, and that faded holy underwear that has been bleached 200 times but we keep putting it back on. (A perfect analogy of our relationship if there ever was one.)

Speaking of our relationship… there will be no sex on this blog. Sex on the couch, chairs, kitchen table, bathroom floor, hood of the car, and everywhere else, yes. But rest assured none of it will take place on this blog. The categories just aren’t very comfortable, and anyone who’s ever tried bending over a post title will tell you it just can’t be done.

Beyond that, what you’ll get here is pure ‘us’, at our best, our worst, and quite possibly with morning breath and messy hair. The posts in this blog are going to be honest. Very honest. Brutally honest. Disgustingly honest (except when we lie).

To put things as plainly as possible, if you are easily offended, or are one of those idiots completely lacking a sense of humor, your best bet is to run away, stick your head down the toilet, and go back to flushing 50 times a day. We would assume that you visiting this blog means that you have more than two brain cells to rub together (four if you’re pregnant), but if not, the repeated flushing may help remove any accidentally accumulated intelligence.

For those that actually subscribe to this site, you never know what might happen. We’ll certainly have fun, we’ll definitely have laughs, and we may even have the odd public execution. Either way the music is always good and margaritas are 99 cents after 6pm, so stick around. You never know what we’ll come up with next.