Paul Baker's Reading List

What Do ESPN and Penis Have in Common?

2011-11-02T20:00:32Z

Well, for starters, 4 letters.

"This Is Not a Joke Patent," Declares Patent for Method of Making a Snowman

2011-09-27T00:37:30Z

"The following is not a joke patent," says the priority claim of U.S. Patent No. 8,011,991 B2. "Its [sic] completely serious and is a serious undertaking to obtain a patent." That may be (and it was successful), but it's also one of the more entertaining patents I've seen, which is saying something.

This one, though, is unusual because of the quality of the writing involved. There is the occasional typo, but look past that in this case because this is good stuff.

Sure, you know how to make a snowman, but can you make a perfect one? This has always bothered Mr. Asperas. "You can never make a perfect snow man," he laments. "The snow balls are never, and I mean never, perfectly round. They are always lop-sided and look sort of doofy." As an example, he included Figure 1 (right), which is a snowman made the "old-fashioned way." He was quite proud of "Frosty," he said. "I think one can say that I have advanced the art here," but still Frosty has problems. For example, Frosty "has quite a large caboose 113 on his trunk 102. In less politically correct terms, his behind is quite large. This is the result of not being able to roll the snow ball evenly," which Asperas notes is "quite impossible."

But then genius struck, he said.

What if someone could make a snow boulder that is perfect every time. A snow man that could be replicated so that it looks the same each time, each year....

What if someone could make that out of a light weight, abundant material that is cheap and is practically used in all toys? What if a really big snow man could be built utilizing the bare minimum of snow?

What if?

Today is that day.

The patent then sets forth a method of making a snowman, and an invention for that purpose that involves a hollow sphere into which the snow is apparently packed. There is also a rather elaborate and possibly ingenious method for using an electrostatic charge to help get the snow to adhere to the inside of the device. One aspect of the invention involves a limit on the maximum charge that could be formed by the generators because "[i]t would not do to zap little kiddies. I am sure it would not harm them, but I am thinking of greedy product liability attorneys."

"So there it is," the summary concludes. "My new and improved method and apparatus for building a snow man (woman). OK. Snow woman (man). There."

Yes, there it is. One of the few comical patents I've seen that, rather than being merely crazy or outrageous, is also a truly entertaining read.

Via Dave Barry.

Great Restaurants Provide Great Service

2011-08-31T16:00:17Z

"Hold on a second here, honey. Let me check out the lunch time deal."

"Dear lord! That woman isn't kissing a penis at all! She's kissing a bird! It's one thing for a woman to be putting a beautiful penis near her lips, but a filthy bird… Disgusting. Let's take our business elsewhere."

[via I Am Bored]

(708): Last time I get high to...

2011-08-30T15:22:02Z

(708): Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

(706): Noooo. We thought it would...

2011-08-09T20:02:02Z

(706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out.

Microsoft's Gmail Man Ad

2011-07-29T20:01:00Z

Mary-Jo Foley found a Microsoft ad that tries to convince businesses to choose Office 365 instead of Google Apps because Gmail shows targeted ads. Microsoft created a character called Gmail Man, a postman that doesn't care about people's privacy and reads their messages to find related ads.

The irony is that the paid version of Google Apps doesn't show ads, even though administrators can choose to enable them. I thought that the whole "Gmail reads my mail" myth was debunked back in 2004 and people realized that online email services already used algorithms to index messages and to find spam.

"It was a fascinating angle in 2005 while Gmail was still new and under all kinds of scrutiny, but today, who cares that your emails are automatically scanned, really? Even before Gmail, ISP's already had the ability to read all your emails, but it has never really stopped anyone from using the email service of their choice," thinks Cédric Beust, a former Googler.

{ via Daring Fireball }

Chinese Couple Sells Kids To Fund Online Gaming

2011-07-27T15:37:00Z

A Chinese couple who really like to game are under arrest for selling their kids and converting the money into game currency. From the article: "In 2009, Li Lin and Li Juan welcomed their second child, a baby girl, and came up with the idea to sell her for money to fund their online game obsession. They did so, receiving RMB 3,000 (less than $500), which they spent entirely shortly after. The couple then proceeded to sell their first child and got 10 times as much for him -- RMB 30,000, or about $4600. Upon having their third child -- another boy -- the parents followed in their previous footsteps and also got RMB 30,000 for him." I wonder what the "kid seller" achievement looks like?

(501): I know this request is...

2011-07-23T18:32:02Z

(501): I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

Candidate: We Must Ban This Religion to Protect Freedom of Religion

2011-07-19T15:29:25Z

I have no idea whether Herman Cain is an intelligent person or not. I assume he probably is, since he was the CEO of a company, and one that made pretty good pizza (not that it's too hard to make "pretty good" pizza). But he sure says some stupid things.

Recently, he took a stand against the construction of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, which has been the subject of protests there by people who think that building a mosque is necessarily part of an Muslim-extremist conspiracy. He seemed to agree with that idea and said that the mosque should not be built because it would be "an infringement and an abuse of our freedom of religion."

Yes, it's hard to think of a greater infringement on freedom of religion than building a place of worship. The next thing you know, they'll be abusing that freedom by actually exercising it in there.

"This is just another way to try to gradually sneak Shariah law into our laws," Cain said. He did not explain how building a mosque would help Muslims "sneak" stuff into the law, or why it would justify an exception to the First Amendment even if they were trying to do that. In fact, he doubled down on this nonsense Sunday, when he insisted that any community has the right to ban a mosque if it wants to, on the theory that Islam "is both a religion and a set of laws" and so banning it would not be "discriminating on the basis of religion." Not only does that make zero sense, it would also be unfortunate for any religion that similarly had its own "laws," such as all of them.

Cain has previously said he would not be "comfortable" with having a Muslim as a member of his cabinet, a comment he later tried to qualify by saying he meant only those Muslims who "are trying to kill us." Well, I wouldn't be opposed to a general rule against hiring somebody who is trying to kill me, I just wouldn't discriminate. By doing so, Cain is necessarily taking the position that most if not all Muslims are dangerous just because they are Muslims, which is stupid.

Meanwhile, one of those dangerous Muslims is currently trying to save the life of a guy who shot him in the face a few weeks after 9/11. Rais Bhuiyan was shot by Mark Stroman, a white supremacist who killed two other people because he thought they looked Muslim, too, and who is currently on death row in Texas and scheduled to die on Wednesday. Bhuiyan has been trying to get Stroman's sentence commuted, saying that that spooky faith of his "teaches that those who forsake retribution and forgive those who have wronged them become closer to God." But maybe Herman Cain would take the position that he is just trying to get us to let our guard down.

Cain is probably just pandering to primary voters, of course, but as Popehat points out, he's not pandering properly.

Brush Up On Harry Potter Before The Weekend

2011-07-15T14:00:21Z

Talking cats in Potter glasses! Someone get me my fainting couch!

The newest and last installment of Harry Potter comes out today. In case you don't exactly remember the details of the orphan's life to date, these cats will help you brush up on things.

You can add cats to anything and the Internet will automatically love it. It's the opposite of what happens when you add Ashton Kutcher to things.

[via The DW]

Label Puzzler: Original Recipe AND New Flavor?

2011-07-14T20:42:08Z

The Consumerist is concerned that reading this label might trap a consumer's mind in an infinite logic loop (those who have had trouble with other labels are urged to look away), and/or that a consumer opening the box might find Schrödinger's Cat inside.

What they really mean by the latter, of course, is that while the box is closed, the ice cream inside exists in a quantum superposition of states in which it is both "original recipe" and "new flavor," and only when the box is opened and the ice cream observed does the wave function collapse into either an "original" or "new" state. Alternatively, the two states would decohere and two new universes would form, in one of which you are eating original-recipe ice cream and in the other a parallel You is enjoying the new flavor. (I don't think there's any scenario in which a cat spontaneously forms. Please!)

Either way, a consumer shouldn't be able to sue because at the time of the purchase, when reliance occurs, there is no contradiction -- both of the label statements are true until and unless the box is opened. (Although, if you are a plaintiff's attorney, I guess you could argue they are also both false.)

Please let me know if you are interested in serving as an expert witness for a possible quantum-physics defense to consumer-law claims involving allegedly self-contradictory labels.

I will treasure your letter

2011-07-14T11:57:00Z

In September of 2006, following a desperately sad childhood that saw both drug-addicted parents murdered and the care of her younger siblings left in her hands, 16-year-old Sacia Flowers decided to write to J. K. Rowling. In her heartfelt letter — full text here — she spoke of her love for the Harry Potter series and the empathy she felt for Harry given their upbringings; mentioned the bullying she experienced throughout school and her inability to make friends due to her insecurities; and then thanked the author for "lending me your hero and his world" during such a tough time, adding, "He is my hero, and you are my heroine."

Below is Rowling's encouraging repsonse.

Transcript follows. Image courtesy of HeraldNet.

Image: HeraldNet

Transcript

JKRowling

19th September 2006

Dear Sacia (beautiful name, I've never heard it before),

Thank you for your incredible letter; incredible, because you do indeed sound phenomenally like Harry Potter, in your physical resemblance and in your life experience. I cannot tell you how moved I was by what you wrote, nor how sorry I am to hear about your parents. What a terrible loss.

I know what it is like to be picked on, as it happened to me, too, throughout my adolescence. I can only wish that you have the same experience that I did, and become happier and more secure the older you get. Being a teenager can be completely horrible, and many of the most successful people I know felt the same way. I think the problem is that adolescence, though often misrepresented as a time of rebellion and unconventionality, actually requires everybody to conform if they aspire to popularity - or at least to 'rebel' while wearing the 'right' clothes! You're now standing on the threshold of a very different phase in your life, one where you are much more likely to find kindred spirits, and much less likely to be subject to the pressures of your teenage years.

It is an honour to me to know that somebody like you loves Harry as much as you do. Thank you very much for writing to me, I will treasure your letter (which entitles you to boast about this response as much as you like!)

With lots of love

JKRowling

(Jo to you!)

x

Here's Just How Dysfunctional Our Government Really Is

2011-07-13T02:11:31Z

You've probably heard something about how the country is trillions in debt, and that because we can't control the deficit we need to raise the national debt limit again so the government can legally borrow more money. Now it looks like we can't even agree to do that. A proposal made today is, on the one hand, totally irresponsible, but on the other hand, is also cowardly and ridiculous.

Congressional Democrats and Republicans and the White House have been negotiating over whether there will be spending cuts, tax increases, or some of both, and you can guess who takes what position. Today (July 12), Congressional leaders expressed pessimism that they could reach an agreement on something that Congress could pass and the President could sign. This would mean, if there is no agreement by August 2, that the government would run out of money. Of course, everybody understands that the debt limit has to be raised at least in the short term, but nobody (Republican or Democrat) wants to be blamed for doing it.

So here's what is now being proposed.

Under a suggestion made by Sen. Mitch McConnell, Congress would not vote to raise the debt limit. But it would also not vote not to raise the debt limit. Instead, it would vote in favor of a "resolution of disapproval" of any increase in the debt limit, expecting that the President would then veto the resolution of disapproval, a veto that Congress would then fail to override, the net result being an approval of the increase, for which Congress would then blame the President.

If that didn't make sense right away, congratulations: you are sane.

In other words, Congress would approve a resolution of disapproval in order to force the President to disapprove that disapproval, which would turn it into an approval, one that Congress knows it would be unable to re-disapprove. That would leave us with the interim approval-by-veto, so that the limit would somehow end up being raised even though neither branch would have actually cast any vote in favor of anything.

I have a feeling that may be unconstitutional, but my head already hurts too much to think that through. So for now I'm just going to go with hating everybody involved in this process.

North Polar Bear's leg got broken

2011-06-21T11:24:00Z

In December of 1920, J. R. R. Tolkien secretly began what would become an annual event in his household for the next 20 years: in the guise of a shaky-handed Father Christmas, he lovingly handwrote a letter to his 3-year-old son, John; placed it in an envelope along with an illustration of his home near the North Pole; and planted it in the youngster's bedroom. From then on, until 1943, Father Christmas never failed to write to all of Tolkien's four children, and with each passing Winter his enchanting stories from the North Pole became more elaborate and character-filled. In 1976 many of the letters and illustrations were compiled and released in book-form; in 2004 a far more comprehensive and beautifully crafted version was published: Letters from Father Christmas; 25th Anniversary edition.

Below is just one of the letters, penned in 1925 and 'sent' to Tolkien's three sons along with the illustration seen above. For the benefit of any parents who might want to show this to their kids without risk, I've placed a more innocent, safe-for-children version of this post here.

Transcript follows.

Transcript

Cliff House
Top of the World
Near the North Pole

Xmas 1925

My dear boys,

I am dreadfully busy this year — it makes my hand more shaky than ever when I think of it — and not very rich. In fact, awful things have been happening, and some of the presents have got spoilt and I haven't got the North Polar Bear to help me and I have had to move house just before Christmas, so you can imagine what a state everything is in, and you will see why I have a new address, and why I can only write one letter between you both. It all happened like this: one very windy day last November my hood blew off and went and stuck on the top of the North Pole. I told him not to, but the N.P.Bear climbed up to the thin top to get it down — and he did. The pole broke in the middle and fell on the roof of my house, and the N.P.Bear fell through the hole it made into the dining room with my hood over his nose, and all the snow fell off the roof into the house and melted and put out all the fires and ran down into the cellars where I was collecting this year's presents, and the N.P.Bear's leg got broken. He is well again now, but I was so cross with him that he says he won't try to help me again. I expect his temper is hurt, and will be mended by next Christmas. I send you a picture of the accident, and of my new house on the cliffs above the N.P. (with beautiful cellars in the cliffs). If John can't read my old shaky writing (1925 years old) he must get his father to. When is Michael going to learn to read, and write his own letters to me? Lots of love to you both and Christopher, whose name is rather like mine.

That's all. Goodbye.

Father Christmas

Secret Agent Cat Barks When You're Not Looking

2011-06-21T15:00:29Z

If it's not already in the works someone should make a movie called Austin Meowers. Can't be any worse than the other three.

[via IHC]

Lion Sleeps On Man

2011-06-20T22:00:53Z

Yeah, it's cute until his pet lion tries to walk across his laptop keyboard. Damn 400 pound animal! You're not a kitten anymore!

[via Cynical-C]

Japanese Scientist Creates Meat Substitute From Sewage

2011-06-15T22:49:00Z

An anonymous reader writes "Hold on to your hamburgers — Japanese scientist Mitsyuki Ikeda at the Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama has invented an artificial meat substitute made from human feces. The unseemly meal is made by extracting protein and lipids from 'sewage mud.' The lipids are then combined with a reaction enhancer and whipped into 'meat' in an exploder. Ikeda makes the 'meat' more palatable by adding things like soy protein."

Combine Your Internet and Alcohol Addictions

2011-06-15T17:00:23Z

A bar in Washington has created an Internet meme-specific drink menu.

Where's the Toshtini? They can't get their hands on bottled water, tap water and Lymon?

Or what about my new concoction, the Tosh.0 Blogger? 10 beers, 2 bottles of red wine, drink one after another at breakneck speed, wake up the next morning and realize you are still alive, repeat.

[via journo-fascist profiteer]

Lion Tries To Eat Baby

2011-06-14T20:00:16Z

It's not the lion's fault. If the zoo didn't feed him so many babies he wouldn't have acquired a taste for them!

[via i-a-b]

Wake Up To The Invisible Harp Playing Kitten

2011-06-14T14:00:24Z

It's hard to have a bad morning when you wake up to a kitten playing an invisible harp.

This is your new alarm clock.

[via Nothing To Do With Arbroath]