This is part 2 of a 2 part series on gender, sex, and sexual orientation. Part 1 defined some of the different ways people think about their gender and sex. Part 2 delves into the complex topic of sexual preference and orientation.

People frequently come to counselling with questions about their sexuality. For some people sexuality is a major component of how they define themselves and who they are. For others, it takes a lesser role. Either way, exploring and understanding your sexual orientation may help you discover an important part of who you are.

Sexual orientation comes in as many different forms as there are people in the world. Luckily, there are some commonly used terms that people identify with which can help us understand each others’ sexual orientations.

Heterosexual/Straight

Opposite-sex attracted. People who identify as heterosexual are exclusively (or almost exclusively) attracted to people of the opposite gender from which they identity.

Homosexual (Lesbian or Gay)

Same-sex attracted. People who identify as homosexual are exclusively (or almost exclusively) attracted to people of their own gender as they identify it.

The term “gay” once referred primarily to homosexual men, but is now sometimes used as an all-encompassing term to also describe same-sex attracted women (lesbians).

Bisexual

Attracted to both sexes.

Polysexual

Attracted to multiple gender identities or sexes (for information on the range of gender identities and sexes, see part 1). For instance, someone who identifies as polysexual may be attracted to people who are male in both sex and gender, as well as people of both sexes who identify as agender. The particular gender identities or sexes that a polysexual person is attracted to are specific to that person.

Pansexual

Attracted to people of all gender identities and sexes. Romantic or sexual attraction to another person is not dependent on their sex or gender.

Asexual/Non-sexual

Lack of sexual attraction to others or lack of interest in sexual activities.

Queer

Queer is often used as a catch-all term for anyone who is not heterosexual or who doesn’t identify with the gender associated with their physical sex. The term has been used in the past as a derogatory slur. As such, the word “queer” is sometimes considered controversial or potentially offensive depending on the context and tone in which it is used.

LGBTQIA

There are many forms of this acronym. As written here, it stands for Lesbian, Gay (or Genderqueer), Bisexual, Transgender (or Transsexual), Queer (or Questioning), Intersex, and Asexual. People may speak of the LGBT community or the LGBTQIA community, which refers people who identify as non-heterosexual or non-gender binary.

When people are questioning their own sexual orientation, it can be helpful to realise that such a range of possibilities exist. Even within these categories, there are exceptions and flexibility. For instance, a man who identifies as homosexual may occasionally have sexual fantasies about women. A man who identifies as straight may be very attracted to another man. That does not necessarily change the sexuality that they’ve primarily identified themselves as being.

People often fall somewhere within a broad spectrum rather than fitting completely into a single category.

Sexuality also isn’t necessarily static or fixed. An individual may identify with several of these categories at different times through their lives. Questions of sexual orientation and gender can be ongoing throughout a person’s entire life.

How do you describe your gender identity and sexual preference? Leave your comments below with your personal experiences with or thoughts about sexual orientation and gender identity.

If you’re wanting to explore your sexual orientation or gender identity, the team at Paul the Counsellor can support you through your journey. Our counsellors provide a confidential, accepting, non-judgemental, safe space and welcome clients of any gender or sexual orientation.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 1 of a 2 part series on gender, sex, and sexual orientation. Part 1 focuses on understanding gender and sex and how people identify with those concepts. Part 2 will look more closely at sexual orientation.

Sexual preference is not as cut and dry as simply describing people as “gay” or “straight”.

Likewise, the terms “male” and “female” do not cover all gender or sex possibilities; there are more than two gender and sex categories with which people identify.

People are finding new ways all the time to describe their sexual orientations and gender identity. These descriptors capture more of the subtlety and complexity of their experience than previous labels did.

We have created this guide to help navigate the confusing waters of gender, sex, and sexual orientation. Everyone is different, and people do not necessarily fall completely into one category or another. However, the terms below provide a common language and a starting point for discussing sexuality and gender. Becoming familiar with some of the ways people describe these aspects of themselves may allow for greater understanding of people’s sexual orientations and the broad spectrum of gender identity and sexual preference.

To understand sexual preference, it helps to first know a bit about the different ways people define their gender and sex.

What is ‘gender’? Is it different than ‘sex’?

Gender and sex both refer to sets of attributes used to distinguish between men and women. However, the two terms are used differently.

Gender pertains to cultural expectations and norms rather than on biological characteristics. The attributes used to define gender can change in different contexts. Gender is often considered to be a social construct.

Sex is based on biological traits such as the presence of male or female reproductive organs.

A person’s gender and their sex do not necessarily match.

What gender categories are there?

The two traditional gender categories “male” and “female” cover much of the population. However, many people find that neither of those gender labels accurately captures their experience.

Transgender 

People who are transgender identify with a gender not matching that of the gender expected based on their biological sex.

For some people, being transgender means identifying as the gender normally associated with the opposite sex. For example, a person who identifies their gender as male but is biologically female.

For others, being transgender could mean that they identify as being somewhere within the spectrum of gender rather than identifying with either the “male” or “female” gender, or existing outside of that spectrum altogether.

Genderqueer (GQ)

Genderqueer is a term closely related to transgender. Genderqueer is sometimes used as a catch-all term for gender identities other than male or female. People who identify as GQ often identify themselves as being outside a binary gender system. Among other possibilities, genderqueer can mean bigender/pangender (both male and female), genderless/agender (neither male nor female); genderfluid (shuttling between gender identities) or other-gendered (a gender that is not male or female, and that may remain unnamed).

Some, but not all, people who identify as GQ also describe themselves as transgender.

Are there more than two sexes?

Since sex is based on physical attributes, there are fewer recognised sexes than there are genders with which people identify. However, there are more sex possibilities than “male” and “female”.

Intersex

People who are intersex are born with a sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit the typical definition of either male or female. Intersex people may possess biological characteristics of both sexes or ambiguous or intermediate sexual organs.

Transsexual

People who describe themselves as transsexual do not identify with the physical sex they were born into. They generally feel a mismatch between their physical sex and gender identity. People who identify as transexual often choose to live as the other sex in order to gain congruence between their sex and their gender. Some people choose to undergo gender reassignment surgery or partial gender reassignment surgery to change their physical sex.

There is some overlap between the terms transgender and transsexual. However, transgender generally focuses more on social or cultural constructs, whereas transsexuality centres around the perceived mismatch of physical sex organs with the way a person views themselves. Some people may identify as both transgender and transsexual.

It is important to note that sex and gender identity does not necessarily indicate a person’s sexual preference.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this series, which will take a closer look at the vast array of sexual orientations with which people identify.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

People move overseas for many reasons; for a job, to be with family, to create a better life, or to have a new adventure. Moving to a new country can be an exciting experience full of possibilities. However, even under the best circumstances moving overseas is often a stressful process. The time immediately after moving overseas can be lonely and full of anxiety and uncertainty. It can be much more taxing on a person’s physical, emotional, and mental health than many people realise.

For some people, the short term impacts of moving overseas pass rather quickly as they settle into their new home. For others, that adjustment period is prolonged and extremely difficult, and may even feel traumatic. Sadly, many people who are struggling to find their place after moving overseas do not have the supports in their new country to help them through that difficult time.

Although everyone’s experience is different when they move overseas, there are a few common issues that people struggle with.

Arranging the Practical Necessities

The first point of stress is often getting set up with the basic necessities; a place to live, utilities, a car, a phone, and employment. Not knowing how to best go about acquiring each of those things can be daunting and stressful. It’s hard to relax and feel secure until those things are taken care of. It can be frustrating and confusing to not know where to turn to get those pressing needs met. There are few times that many of us would have to deal with setting up all of those things from scratch; it could be an overwhelming task even in your own country where you’re familiar with the processes.

Newness

Newness can be exciting. It can also be exhausting. Even if you’re coming from a similar culture as the one you’re moving to, there are lots of minor differences in everyday things such as how to buy a train ticket or mail a letter. Something as seemingly small as buying the toiletries you require takes extra effort and consideration. Routine can be comfortable and lets us function on autopilot when we’re tired or when our energy is better focused elsewhere. In a new place, nothing is routine. In a new environment people have to be “switched on” all the time just to navigate the basics of daily life. It can be a thrill to discover the options available in a new place, but this also takes a lot of energy. When everything is new it’s easy to get tired out easily without realising exactly why.

Loneliness and Isolation

Loneliness and isolation are the biggest challenges for many people after they move overseas. People need some social interaction to thrive at the best of times, whether that’s having a deep conversation or simply meeting a friend to have coffee or see a movie. In a new place, it takes time to build those relationships.

Loneliness can be extraordinarily painful, especially at a time when people may be missing the friends and family they’ve left behind in their old country. Many people also feel like outsiders in their new country, immediately marked as different due to their accent or appearance. That can be very isolating and make it even harder to develop friendships.

The stress of moving is a time when people often need more support and contact than usual, but may have the least support and contact they’ve ever experienced. It’s common for people to feel like they’re surrounded by people, but alone in their time of need after they have moved overseas.

Language Barrier

If you’re moving to a country with a different language, even basic tasks can become much harder. Those with a high level of ability in the language may find that it takes awhile to learn the subtleties of the way people use the language, especially in humour. Those difficulties can make it that much harder to form new connections as well.

Cultural Differences

Cultural differences can sometimes be very large. People may be moving from a culture that values individual needs over the greater society or vice versa. It’s a vastly different way of perceiving the world and can affect every aspect of decision making. There can also be significant differences in etiquette and the way people form friendships and relationships. For people who have grown up in the culture, expectations and norms are second nature and may not even be in awareness. However, for someone new to a culture there are many pitfalls and the potential for misunderstandings or rejection. It can be remarkably confusing and every paralysing if you don’t know how other people will react to you or whether you’re breaking unspoken rules. People new to a country may also have different expectations of the people around them and feel offended or shocked and the behaviour of those around them. If someone is expecting their neighbours to greet them every day and their neighbours pass by wordlessly, the newly arrived person may feel hurt and wonder what they’ve done wrong. Cultural differences and misunderstandings can be the source of a lot of anguish, especially if they’re not recognised and understood. It takes time to become acquainted with the lifestyle and norms in a new place.

Sometimes people discount the importance of cultural differences between countries that seem relatively similar, such as the U.S., the U.K. and Australia. However, there are many subtle differences between those cultures that may lead to confusion and miscommunication. Even the way we order in restaurants, or how often we say “please” and “thank you” in interactions vary between cultures and can have a big impact on how we relate to other people and how we’re received by them.

Moving overseas can be a great adventure. Having extra support during the initial settling in stages can make a huge difference to how well people cope and thrive in their new country. Sometimes the process of moving overseas is particularly jarring and can interfere with someone’s ability to function in their day-to-day lives. Counselling can be a great help for people who are feeling overwhelmed by the experience of being in a new place.

If you or someone you know is adjusting to living in a new country, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. Our team provides caring, confidential, non-judgemental counselling and psychotherapy in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Having a partner with a mental health issue is likely to significantly impact you and your relationship. You may feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster with your partner and have no one to turn to.

Although everyone’s situation is different, there are some common things people go through when they have a partner with a mental health issue. Understanding how your partner’s experiences affect you and how to look after yourself can make a big difference to both of your moods and your quality of life.

Mirroring your partner’s emotions

When we care about someone, we automatically begin to mirror them in many ways. Friends in conversation often have a similar posture and body language to one another. The same can be true for emotions.

When you have a partner with a mental health issue, their emotions may feel extraordinarily strong and all encompassing. Often people whose partners are struggling find themselves taking on their partner’s emotions as their own. For instance, someone whose partner is severely depressed may find themselves feeling down in the dumps. If your partner is having a manic episode, you may feel excited and energetic.

Shared emotions can help us feel close to our partners, but can also become problematic. If you’re being caught up in the swing of your partner’s strong emotions, you’re likely to feel less grounded and less able to help support them. It can be a jarring and confusing experience, and you may feel like you’re losing yourself in your partner or in their struggle.

Knowing where your partner’s emotions end and where yours begin is essential to supporting a partner with a mental health issue. Learning to tune into yourself and recognise what you’re feeling and wanting is a good way to keep yourself from being swept up in their emotions. It can be quite difficult if most of your time is spent with your partner and if their emotions are strong. Mindfulness exercises and counselling can both be excellent supports for reconnecting with yourself and helping you develop the tools to tune into your own emotions in the moment. Being able to recognise whether you’re feeling something similar to your partner or whether you’re taking on your partner’s emotions is extremely important. You’re likely to feel more grounded, more like yourself, and you’ll also be better able to support your partner.

Isolation

Having a partner with a mental health issue can feel very isolating. Stigma and the fear of being judged keeps many people from talking about their experiences. Those who do share their experiences find that it can be hard for other people to understand what it’s like. Thankfully, you’re not alone; many people with mental health issues have partners who may be experiencing issues similar to what you’re going through. There are support groups and numerous resources online to help you connect with others in similar situations. Meeting with a counsellor can also assist in feeling less isolated and alone. Planning social time for yourself can be helpful too, even if it’s with friends who may not understand your situation. Contact with people is important for maintaining your own mental health and sense of self.

Knowing your boundaries

Knowing what you will and will not do to help support your partner is important; draw your line in the sand. If you’re crossing your boundaries, you may end up feeling resentful and burned out. It can be extremely hard to say no when someone you care about is in need. However, finding the balance of helping your partner and looking after yourself is important or you’ll both end up struggling even more. On top of that, sometimes acting as a rescuer and trying to do everything for your partner may actually be holding them back from developing their own sense of self-efficacy. For more on the rescuer role, check out our post on the Drama Triangle.

Self care

Self care is important for keeping yourself healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. Many people worry that looking after themselves means they’re being selfish and not spending enough time taking care of their partner. You’re important too. You deserve to be as happy and healthy as possible. It’s easy to become exhausted on every level when you have a partner living with a mental health issue, and if you’re not well supported and looked after then it will be very hard for you to offer quality support to them. Self care can take many forms. For more detailed information on self care, take a look at our Self Care blog post.

Outside support

If you can ask for help from others, outside support can make a huge difference. Many people’s tendency is to try to do everything themselves. Getting outside support even for small things can make your life feel a lot easier at times. It could be anything from asking a friend to pick up a take away dinner for you or employing someone to help with the house work.

Professional help 

Professional help can be incredibly valuable, both for your partner and for yourself. Your partner may benefit from treatment such as counselling, psychotherapy, or medication (more information about our mental health counselling service). You may also find it helpful for your own wellbeing to see a counsellor or psychotherapist to talk about your experiences and be supported through difficult times or to get back on your feet when things are improving. Depending on the situation, relationship counselling may also be useful to keep your relationship strong or to reconnect with one another after an episode.

Having a partner with a mental health issue can at times be very difficult. However, there are many things you can do to help make it easier for both you and your partner.

If you or someone you know has a partner experiencing a mental health issue, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. Our counsellors provide caring, confidential, non-judgemental counselling and psychotherapy for individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 2 of a 2 part series about New Year’s resolutions. Part 1 focused on the benefits of resolutions. This post discusses the potential pitfalls of making New Year’s resolutions.

The Dark Side of New Year’s Resolutions

Some Changes Happen at Their Own Speed

Sometimes trying to force change can backfire. If there is a change you’ve been struggling to make, there could be reasons that you’re holding yourself back. You may have written “lose 10 kgs” on every New Year’s resolution list for the last decade but not followed through on it. How come? Perhaps there’s a part of you that isn’t aligned with the goal of losing weight. People can use eating as a way to comfort themselves or as a method to avoid painful feelings. Cutting off your way to soothe yourself could result in you feeling worse and then rebelling against your diet.

Or maybe weight loss isn’t really your goal at all. People often decide to make changes in their lives based on messages about what they “should” do or want. If it isn’t a goal that’s personally meaningful to you, chances are it’ll keep reappearing on your list every year.

Does that mean trying to make pro-active changes is pointless? Not at all! However, it’s important to recognise the reasons you want to change and any part of you that’s hesitant to change. Once you’ve done that, the part of you that’s reluctant won’t feel the need to fight back the whole way. Often understanding the full picture of what you want, both your desire to change and your desire to stay the same, leads to change happening naturally. If you try to force a change you’re not ready for, it may feel like you’re taking one step forward, two steps back.

It can be hard to know whether a change you want to make is something that’s best suited to pro-active planning, or whether it’s something more complicated that needs to be explored further. The answer may become clearer through reflection or talking to a counsellor. If you’ve tried to make a change but keep ending up back where you started, chances are it’s something that is more complex than first meets the eye and could benefit from further examination.

Too Much Stick, Not Enough Carrot

New Year’s resolutions can quickly become fuel for self-criticism and punishment. Many people who falter on their resolutions criticise themselves and feel guilty or ashamed. Unkept resolutions may be seen as failures, and sometimes people start to believe that they themselves are failures for not completing the tasks. That’s a lot of harsh treatment to bring down on yourself. New Year’s resolutions can be great motivators but can also fuel your self critic. If you respond more to the “stick” than to the “carrot”, making resolutions can bring on a lot of pressure and anguish. Be gentle to yourself with your resolutions, or steer clear of them altogether. Also consider whether you’re resolutions are achievable; setting the bar unrealistically high and punishing yourself for not meeting your goals is a painful exercise.

A Year is a Long Time

Much can change in a year. The resolutions you made on January 1st might not fit so well with what you want or need several months down the track. We’re always changing and learning from our experiences. You may develop new insights and understandings about your life and what’s important to you through the course of the year. Maybe you don’t want to keep your resolution to read a book every week because you’ve discovered that you love playing the piano and want to spend your time on that instead. A New Year’s resolution to get to work on time everyday doesn’t have much meaning if you’ve left your job and are working from home.

People sometimes feel trapped in their New Year’s resolutions. You may be trying to uphold one goal for the year because that’s what your wrote down even if it no longer fits. It can be useful to keep in mind that we’re always changing. You can engage in self-reflection and a reassessment of your goals at any time, not just at New Year’s. Giving yourself permission to update your resolutions.

New Year’s resolutions can be supportive and promote growth and self-development. They also have a darker side that can lead to self-criticism. Recognising which goals are important to you allowing yourself flexibility can help you get the most benefit from New Year’s resolutions.

If you’re curious to learn more about yourself and how to make the most of your New Year’s Resolutions, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. Our counsellors provide confidential, supportive, non-judgemental counselling and psychotherapy to individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 1 of a 2 part series on New Year’s resolutions. Here you’ll find the benefits of resolutions. Part 2 focuses on the potentially harmful aspects of resolutions.

Are you planning to make New Year’s resolutions for 2012? New Year’s resolutions can be useful, but they can also have some potential pitfalls.

The Positive Side of Resolutions

Light Bulb Moments

Thinking about New Year’s resolutions is a useful way to reflect on your life at present. What’s working well? What’s not working? It’s an opportunity to reassess your goals, priorities and values. Having a better sense of how you would like your life to be and what’s personally meaningful to you is the first step to living a more fulfilling life. The famous American humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers has written about what it means to live the “the good life”, a worthwhile read before you craft your New Year’s resolutions.

You Have the Power

You probably have aspects of your life that feel like they need improvement. The good news is that recognising those areas for improvement can open the opportunity for growth and change. Once you know that a change is needed you can make different choices to bring about change. Making New Year’s resolutions is an acknowledgement of how much power you have to change your life for the better. Resolutions are the pro-active steps you can take to get there.

Of course, some things will always be out of your control – you may not be able to make your boss nicer or win an Olympic gold medal just by writing those goals on a list of New Year’s resolutions. But you can be active in deciding on the path your life will take (even if things don’t always go according to plan!). New Year’s resolutions can help you recognise your power and outline the steps you can take to live the life you want to be living. If you’re curious have a look at the top 10 ways to live a meaningful life based on a survey of 200 of the greatest thinkers throughout human history

Celebrate the Positive

When you’re considering New Year’s resolutions, you’ll most likely realise that you’re also thriving in many ways. Reflection on accomplishments or positive changes provides a great self-esteem boost. Due to the busyness of our everyday lives with its perpetual to do lists we rarely take the time to stop and enjoy each accomplishment and feel the satisfaction of having completed something. If there are things that are going well or accomplishments you’ve made in the last year, take the time to really relish and celebrate them!

Self Esteem

New Year’s resolutions can lead to a sense of achievement. Imagine that you’ve identified something in your life that you want to change, make a decision to do something about it, and follow through to achieve the result you wanted. You’re likely to end up feeling powerful, confident, and accomplished. People often feel on top of the world when they’ve fulfilled a New Year’s resolution.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this series to hear about some of the pitfalls of making New Year’s resolutions.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

The holiday season is a stressful time for many people, including those who aren’t observing any religious holidays.

Some stressors may seem to sneak up on you. Understanding some of the causes of holiday stress can help make the season more manageable.

Financial stress

Money can disappear quickly during the holidays. Buying gifts, travelling to see family, and hosting dinners or parties all add up quickly. Those expenses can cause a great deal of stress if you’re living off of a tight budget. Spending money may feel like an obligation rather than a choice. That pressure increases many people’s stress level. Even if you’re in a comfortable financial position, the spending associated with the holidays can grow beyond what you planned for or expected and become stressful.

Loneliness

People tend to spend the holidays with their families or other loved ones. If you are alone during the holidays, it may seem like everyone else has someone to be with. For many people, the holiday season ushers in deep feelings of loneliness. The holiday season also tends to spark memories of loved ones who aren’t present, including those who have passed away. It’s common for people to grieve past losses during the holidays, and that grief may be heightened if you’re alone during that time.

Making the ‘perfect’ holiday

The holiday season only comes around once a year, and it may be one of the few times your family or friends are all gathered in one place. People often feel a lot of pressure to make the holidays ‘perfect’ and memorable. That’s a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders, and it means that any hiccup in your plans can be a major source of stress. Hosting the perfect party, finding the perfect gift, or keeping everyone happy may be among your goals. Trying to create the perfect holiday is a lot of responsibility to take on, and there are a lot of factors out of your control. Sometimes acknowledging what cannot be controlled and the things that are working well can bring a degree of relief.

Self reflection

Especially as the new year approaches, people often start to reflect on their lives. Sometimes people realise that their lives are not what they expected them to be. They may be dissatisfied with their careers, home lives or other aspects of their lives. Reflecting on past goals or even new year’s resolutions that haven’t been met can be a disheartening experience. This may leave many people feeling confused, uncertain, sad, or stressed out. Remember it is just as important to acknowledge our accomplishments and experience satisfaction as it is to evaluate what we would like to change in the future.

Winter blues

People in the northern hemisphere are in winter during the holidays. If you’re suffering from the winter blues or seasonal affective disorder, the stress of the holidays may feel like that much more of a burden.

Lack of self care

Amidst all the holiday stress and busyness, it can be hard to find time to look after yourself. Self care is very important during times of high stress. In addition to having less ‘me’ time, the holiday season is often associated with eating an excess of rich foods and drinking more alcohol. Some people sleep less through the holiday period as well. Those factors can reduce your ability to cope with stress as it arises.

Sometimes people say that the holidays are the happiest time of the year. If that’s not the case for you, you’re not alone. Many people experience high levels of stress, grief, and loneliness during the holidays.

Recognising potential stressors before they arrive may help you feel more balanced and grounded. Engaging in self care and relaxation exercises can also be useful supports during the holidays. Many people find that speaking to a counsellor around the holiday season also provides the extra support needed to help them through a difficult time of the year.

If the holidays are a struggle for you or you’re feeling stressed out, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. We offer confidential, supportive, non-judgemental counselling and psychotherapy in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Over time, many couples find themselves leading parallel but separate lives. They may lose touch with each other and become less involved in each others’ everyday lives.

Are you unsure what your partner’s life is like on a day-to-day basis? Are you feeling distant from your partner? Reconnecting with them can help your relationship thrive. The easiest and most effective way to do that is to be curious about your partner.

Here are three simple ways to be curious about your partner and strengthen your relationship:

1. Ask questions

The most straightforward way to show your partner that you’re interested in them and curious about them is to ask questions. The questions don’t need to be complex or deep; they can be as simple as “How was your day?” or “Are you working on any big projects at the moment?”. The best questions for reconnecting usually start with What, Where, How, and When. Questions starting with Why can sometimes sound challenging. Your partner might get the sense that you’re disputing their reason for doing something with a Why question. It can feel gentler and smoother to focus on questions about what’s happening in your partner’s life and their current experiences. You may be surprised at what they’re experiencing and how much of a conversation simple questions can open up. You may have a lot to share with your partner, too.

2. Listen Before Fixing

Are you a natural problem solver? If your partner is talking about an issue they’re experiencing, your first reaction might be to jump in with suggestions on how to fix it. Solving a problem might be your way of showing that you care about your partner and that you want to help. However, your partner may be looking for something other than solutions. Your suggestions could feel frustrating and your partner might respond by knocking them back. Both of you could end up feeling hurt or angry. If that pattern sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Luckily, there are some simple ways to turn around that kind of tense interaction.

Often when people share their problems with others, what they’re most looking for is someone to listen to them and acknowledge what they’re going through. If you try to fix the problem, you may miss out on giving your partner emotional support and understanding. It’s a different way of supporting someone. If your partner is talking about a frustrating coworker, experiment with responding by telling your partner what you’re hearing them express. That might be something like “Wow, that guy sounds like a real jerk…he’s making work really difficult for you”. Simply acknowledging what your partner is telling you shows that you’re listening and that you really care. That may be all they’re looking for from you. See whether they’re reaction is different than when you offer them solutions. You may find that your partner can solve the problem or asks your help with that specifically later, after they’ve felt emotionally supported and listened to. Being there for your partner by listening to them and acknowledging their experience may give them all the support they need to feel better.

3. Learn One Thing About Your Partner’s Day

One way to be curious about your partner is to make learn one thing about their upcoming day. The exercise below is something that you and your partner can be do together to reconnect and show your curiosity for each other. Many couples who have tried this exercise say that their communication has become easier and they have started feeling closer almost immediately.

Exercise:

Before you go to bed each night, ask your partner to tell you about one thing that they’ll be doing the next day. Then swap roles. Your answer can be as short as one sentence, whatever comes to your mind first. Examples could be, “I’m having lunch with Fred from the office tomorrow” or “I have a dentist appointment”.

The next evening, check in with your partner about that event. Ask about what happened and what the experience was like for them (“How’s Fred doing? Did you have a nice lunch?”) Ask whatever questions come to mind that you’re genuinely curious about. Swap roles and tell your partner about the event that you mentioned the night before.

Start the exercise again by asking your partner one thing about what they’re doing the next day.

Many couples find it helpful to make a ritual of this exercise and do it everyday. Some couples may find that doing it less frequently works well for them. As with any exercise, try it out to see whether it works in your relationship and how often it feels right for you and your partner.

This exercise is simple and doesn’t take much time, but it can offer you a window into what’s happening in your partner’s life. Expressing your curiosity can be a strong signal that you care about and are interested in your partner.

Being curious about your partner may sound like an overly simple way to approach relationship issues. However, it’s amazingly effective. It’s the pathway to reconnecting with one another, expressing your affection for each other, and sharing deep intimacy. Curiosity and mutual interest provide the foundation for long-lasting relationships. Curiosity could save your relationship.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers confidential, non-judgemental counselling for individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD. If you are experiencing relationship difficulties or want to know more about rekindling the curiosity in your relationship, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

All relationships have their difficulties. In some cases couples can work through those issues, but sometimes relationships just don’t work out. When you know a relationship isn’t working, walking out the door isn’t as straightforward as it might sound. It can be hard to end a bad relationship.

What keeps people in bad relationships?

Your relationship may feel like a disaster, but you may also be worried about what your future will be like if you leave your partner. The six concerns listed below are issues many people worry about and they may be keeping you in a bad relationship.

What if I don’t meet anyone else?

Growing old alone is a scary prospect for many people. The thought that you won’t find another relationship may be keeping you in a relationship that isn’t working. Sometimes a bad relationship may seem better than no relationship at all. However, staying in a bad relationship means cutting off the possibility of finding a fulfilling relationship, or of living a more satisfying life on your own.

Maybe this is the best I’ll get

Many people stuck in bad relationships struggle with low self-esteem. You may wonder whether you can find a another partner, or whether you have to settle for a partner you’re not very happy with. It may also seem like most relationships aren’t so great, especially if people in your social circle struggle with their relationships too. Valuing your own self-worth and believing that relationships can be fulfilling, supportive, and add to the quality of your life may help you move on.

Losing mutual friends

Often long-term partners share a friendship circle. Losing some of your mutual friends is a real possibility and something that often occurs when people end a long-term relationship. That can be a painful experience and does sometimes encourage people to stay in relationships past their expiry date. Weighing up the benefits of leaving the relationship with the difficulties of disconnecting from certain friends or acquaintances can be helpful.

What about the kids?

Sometimes couples stay together so that children can grow up in a household with both their parents. Kids learn what romantic relationships are like from their parents. Seeing their parents in an unhappy relationship may set the stage for them to do the same in their adult relationships, or struggle to figure out what a happy relationship could look like. Kids are also very good and sensing tension in the household and may become stressed in a tense environment. Staying in a relationship for the kids has the potential to do more harm than good.

Financial security

You may need your partner’s income to survive financially. You may be using both incomes to support your lifestyle or may be living off your partner’s income alone. Ending the relationship could have some important financial consequences for you. However, financial security is often not as secure as it feels. What would happen if your partner lost their job? How would you cope? Chances are you’d find a way through the tough times. You could use those same strategies to cope after ending a bad relationship.

Stigma and cultural expectations

There’s less stigma in mainstream culture than there used to be about divorce or ending long-term relationships. However, you may still feel judged for leaving a relationship or hear it referred to as a failed relationship. Another way to view the situation could be to celebrate the happy times you had together and your bravery for moving on once the relationship was no longer fulfilling.

You may be part of a culture in which the breakup a relationship is viewed very negatively. Cultural pressures and expectations can be incredibly powerful and make it very difficult to end a bad relationship. Will it be harder for you to stay in a relationship that isn’t working, or to deal with other people’s reprimands or judgements for ending it? That balance will be different for different people. It may be useful to think about how much impact those expectations are having on your decision.

It’s natural to have hesitations or worries when you’re thinking of leaving a relationship that isn’t working. Identifying those worries and considering them may help to put them in perspective. When a relationship simply isn’t working anymore and isn’t a positive part of your life, ending a bad relationship can be an important step to living a more satisfied and fulfilling life.

Are you or someone you know struggling to end a bad relationship? Counselling can help you express your concerns in a safe environment and discover the best way for you to move forward. The team at Paul the Counsellor offers supportive, non-judgemental, confidential counselling to individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

The term ‘self care’ is being used more and more frequently, but what is self care?

Self care means doing things to support your physical, mental and emotional health and wellbeing.

What are the benefits of self care?

Self care is a way to reduce stress and feel more able to cope with whatever life throws at you. Self care can protect you against burnout in your work and your personal life. Self care can also put you in the best position to feel healthy and thriving, and to get the most enjoyment out of life.

Taking time for self care can be very difficult, especially if you’re busy or spend a lot of time looking after others. However, the better you’re feeling the more able you’ll be to put your energy into work, family, or other activities in your life.

What can I do for self care?

The suggestions below offer some great ideas for ways to look after yourself. Effective self care is different for everyone; see what works best for you and have fun experimenting with your own self care ideas.

Sleep

The amount of sleep you get can have a huge impact on your physical and mental health. One short night may leave you feeling irritable and less able to cope with the stressors of daily life. Getting a little bit of extra sleep could be an effective way to improve your wellbeing, even if it’s only possible to do so occasionally. Many of us get caught in a cycle of getting insufficient sleep more nights than not and end up struggling through the day. If you’re suffering from insomnia, the other forms of self care discussed below may help you get a restful night’s sleep.

Keeping a regular sleep cycle can also make a big difference. Some people find that they feel better when they wake up and go to sleep around the same time every day. You may find it easier to fall asleep at night if you’re keeping a regular schedule, and feel more refreshed in the morning. Sleeping in on the weekends doesn’t have to go out the window, either. People who do try to keep regular sleep cycles often sleep in on their days off, but usually by only an hour or so.

Eating

You may notice yourself crashing after snacks or suddenly realising you’re starving and without food. Regular and healthy eating habits can be a useful form of self care but also difficult to maintain in the course of our busy lives. When it’s possible to eat nutritious food, your mood and energy levels may be more positive and steady. Keeping a regular eating schedule is another way that some people support themselves to feel healthy and energised. Other self care with your eating habits may include trying to eat before you get too hungry and eating mindfully to keep from overeating.

Exercise

If you’re feeling tired and overworked, exercise is probably the last thing on your mind. Thankfully, exercise doesn’t have to be a full blown, sweaty session at the gym to be beneficial. A gentle yoga class or even a short walk around the block at lunch time could be valuable for your sense of health and wellbeing. Although everyone is different, you may find that a brisk walk can be an amazingly effective way to clear your mind and give yourself an energy boost. Exercise may also help you fall asleep more easily and sleep more deeply. Explore what suits you and whether some form of exercise is a useful support to add to your self care repertoire.

Drugs and Alcohol

When we’re stressed, it’s easy to open a beer for an effortless way to unwind. There’s nothing wrong with an occasional drink. It can become an issue when your immediate reaction to stress or anxiety is to turn to alcohol or drugs for support.

If you find yourself drinking whenever you’re stressed or binge drinking (5 or more standard drinks in one sitting for men, or 4 for women) it may be worth considering whether you’re in need of support or stress relief that you’re not getting from other sources. Other forms of self care may help you reduce your stress in ways that are kinder to your long-term physical and mental health.

Schedule “You” Time

Most of us find it hard to schedule in time for ourselves with no other obligations. If we are struggling to find time to sleep, fitting in a massage may seem impossible. The wonderful thing is that “you” time is likely to leave you more energised, more emotionally grounded, and better able to face the world and its challenges. Taking time for yourself may actually support you to power through your the other tasks in your life. You may also feel more fulfilled and lively as a result. If you spend a lot of time doing for others and not engaging in self care, it’s easy to start feeling drained and for resentment to creep in.

What you do during your “you” time depends on what brings you joy and relaxation. It could be painting, watching a movie, reading a book, going to a play, or taking a hot bath. It might even be taking 5 minutes to breathe and listen to your favourite song. Whatever helps you to feel supported, refreshed, and less stressed. If you haven’t been doing much self care, it may take awhile to sort out what will bring you the most pleasure during your free time. The process of figuring that out can also be rewarding.

Whatever activities you choose for your “you” time, it may be helpful to schedule that time into your diary. Experiment with treating it with as much importance as a big meeting at work. It’s easy to push time for self care aside if you haven’t made it a priority.

Counselling can be another useful form of support. Working with a counsellor can help you identify areas of your life where you could benefit from greater self care, and what you can do to best look after yourself.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers caring, supportive, confidential counselling in the Melbourne CBD. If you’re feeling burned out or want to know more about self care, one of our counsellors can help you get back on track.

Many people begin to feel lighter, happier and more energetic when summer arrives. However, for some people summer can mean extremely unpleasant and unwelcome mood changes.

Do you often experience distressing mood changes and increased anxiety during summer? You may be suffering from reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a condition that causes dramatic changes in mood and functioning during one particular season of the year. Traditional Seasonal Affective Disorder is a form of depression that only occurs seasonally during the winter months (see our post on Seasonal Affective Disorder here). People who suffer from reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder are afflicted with uncomfortable and sometimes debilitating symptoms through the summer season.

What are the symptoms of reverse SAD? 

Like winter Seasonal Affective Disorder, suffers of reverse SAD are likely to experience changes in energy levels, sleep, and appetite.

Reverse SAD is characterised by excess energy, usually in the form of agitation, irritability, and heightened anxiety. Many people with reverse SAD experience insomnia or restless sleep during the summer. Appetite changes usually occur, most often in the form of reduced appetite and subsequent weight loss. It’s also common for people with reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder to have an increased sex drive during the summer.

Symptoms of reverse SAD begin during the spring or summer and start to improve around autumn when the number of daylight hours decreases.

To be officially diagnosed with reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, all four criteria below must apply to you:

• Mood changes and symptoms such as those listed above during the summer months (possibly starting in spring)
• Remission of symptoms in autumn
• Symptoms at least two summers in a row with no major episodes of similar symptoms in between
• The number of seasonal episodes outnumber other episodes throughout your lifetime.

If you have episodes at other times or your symptoms don’t get better during autumn, you may be suffering from another mood disorder or condition. Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder can appear very similar to the hypomania or mania of bipolar disorder.

What causes reverse SAD?

Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder has only started to be recognised relatively recently and the causes are not yet known. Changes in daylight do affect the body’s regulation of sleep, appetite and mood. An increase in daylight usually increases serotonin levels and decreases melatonin, leading to positive mood changes and more energy. For people with reverse SAD, those changes seem to be more extreme and become problematic. Further research is being done into both SAD and reverse SAD to determine their causes and more effective treatments.

What are the treatments for reverse SAD?

Reducing your exposure to daylight may help lower your energy levels and allow you to get a better night’s sleep. Whenever possible, try to stay in low light and low stimulus environments after early evening.

Psychotherapy has been shown to be effective in helping alleviate the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. While few studies have be done on using counselling for reverse SAD, clients report that psychotherapy and counselling has helped alleviate their symptoms. Psychotherapy can be used as the sole form of treatment, or it can be undertaken alongside other treatments.

Relaxation exercises and mindfulness exercises can be useful to calm the excess energy and agitation of reverse SAD.

Self-care such as exercising, drinking only moderate amounts of alcohol, and trying to keep regular sleeping and eating patterns can be helpful. However, those habits can be very difficult for sufferers of reverse SAD to maintain.

Medications such as anti-anxiety medications and sleeping aids can sometimes help to reduce the symptoms of reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder during the most difficult summer periods.

Do you think that you or someone you know may be suffering from reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder? The team at Paul the Counsellor provides confidential and supportive psychotherapy and counselling in the Melbourne CBD. You don’t need to spend the summer suffering alone.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Grief and depression have a lot in common. Both may be experienced as deep sadness or numbness and go hand-in-hand with a bleak outlook and changes in appetite and sleep. For some people, grief can trigger an episode of major depression.

After someone experiences a loss, it can be hard to know whether they are grieving or depressed. Different people go through the grieving process at different rates, meaning the amount of time that’s elapsed since their loss isn’t always a reliable indicator of whether they’re experiencing grief or depression.

What’s the difference between grief and depression?

Self-esteem

When someone is grieving, they may still have a positive sense of themselves despite the negative emotions they’re experiencing. When someone is depressed, they are likely to have a very low self-esteem and self-worth. A person experiencing depression may see themselves as bad, worthless, or at fault for their loss. They may also feel anger toward themselves.

In grief the world might feel like a empty and dark place, whereas in depression both the world and oneself seem empty and dark.

Guilt

It’s common for people to experience guilt as part of the grieving process. However, that guilt is often transient and is focused on some specific aspect of the loss. When someone is depressed, their guilt may be very generalised and all-encompassing. The guilt associated with depression is also likely to linger for a longer period of time.

Thoughts of death

After experiencing a loss, it’s natural to be thinking about death. People in the grieving process may wonder about whether they should have died along with who they lost, or whether they would be better off dead themselves. However, when people are experiencing depression those thoughts may become more all-consuming and they may become pre-occupied with death as a subject matter. They may begin considering suicide as well.

Physical symptoms

Symptoms such as changes in sleep and appetite, energy levels, and tension in the body are common in both grief and depression. People may also appear to be slowed down significantly as if they are moving underwater and their thinking may feel foggy and thick, especially if they’re experiencing depression. In instances of depression, those changes are likely to be quite noticeable and prolonged.

Hopelessness

The world may feel cold and unwelcoming after a loss. Negative feelings and a pessimistic outlook may come in waves during the grieving process. People who are experiencing depression tend to evaluation the world, themselves, and the future negatively. They may feel overcome with a sense of hopelessness. The negativity and hopelessness of depression tend to linger beyond the grim outlook associated with grief and may even grow over time.

Hallucinations

People who are grieving often have brief moments when they seem to see or hear their deceased loved one. Those experiences are common but often take people by surprise. In episodes of depression, additional visual or auditory hallucinations may start to occur and could indicate that their grief has transitioned into depression.

Have you or someone you cared about experienced a loss? Wondering whether you’re going through grief or depression? The team at Paul the Counsellor offers supportive, confidential, non-judgemental counselling and psychotherapy for grief and depression in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Many people wonder whether their sex lives or sexual fantasies are normal. What are other people are doing sexually? How often do most couples have sex? Although sex and sexuality are more openly discussed than they once were, details of other people’s sex lives usually remain behind closed doors. We have to guess what really happens in the bedrooms of our peers.

In the 1930s and 1940s, Professor Alfred Kinsey developed a strong interest in understanding human sexuality. He wanted to know about people’s sexual habits and desires, and how much variety there was between individuals’ sex lives. As a professor and researcher, Kinsey wanted to take a scientific approach to answering those questions. He began conducting detailed, rigorous, and thoroughly documented investigations into people’s sexual practices. In the late 1940s, he founded the Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University to help him with his work, which caused much controversy.

Kinsey’s studies began with extensively interviewing subjects about their sexual practices and fantasies, including in-depth questions about sexual orientation, as well as information about people’s age, religion, marital status, and other demographic information. As his curiosity grew, he also began observing, participating in, and video recording sexual activity in order to more fully understand the range of human sexual practices. By the time his findings were published he had interviewed or observed over 18,000 people.

What did Kinsey discover?

Kinsey discovered that people have a huge range of fantasies, turn-ons and sexual practices. There is so much individual variety that creating standard benchmarks for an average person’s desires, sexual habits, and sexual frequency is nearly impossible. Simply put, there is no “normal” when it comes to sex.

Do you sometimes question your sexuality or wonder whether you’re completely heterosexual or homosexual? Kinsey also found through his interviews that the distinction between “homosexual” and “heterosexual” was not as clearcut as people imagined. His research showed that there’s a spectrum of people’s preference for one gender or another. He developed a heterosexuality-homosexuality scale, where 0 is exclusively heterosexual and 6 is exclusively homosexual. Most of the people Kinsey interviewed (and Kinsey himself) fell somewhere in between the two poles of this spectrum. A vast number of participant were attracted to people of both genders at some point in their lives and many had had sexual experiences with people of both genders. He also found that about 10% of men were exclusively or almost-exclusively homosexual, which was a much higher figure than was generally supposed at that time.

If you find yourself wondering whether your sex life is normal and whether you’re having sex as much as other people, keep in mind that Kinsey’s research and publications showed that there are many ways to lead normal and fulfilling sex lives – there isn’t one template for people to follow. Average and normal are hard to pin down when it comes to sex. The emotional, physical, and cognitive aspects of sex and sexual fantasies come in as many flavours as there are people.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

When you’re experiencing grief, it might feel like you’re in a black cloud without a silver lining. Grief can sometimes have unexpected, valuable outcomes as well; many people who have recently grieved a loss have said that their grief has resulted in significant personal growth. Grief may lead to positive shifts in your perspectives on life, and a greater awareness both of yourself and of what it means to be human. As painful as the grieving process is, people sometimes find that the personal growth they undergo while grieving helps them to live more fulfilling lives.

There are lessons we can learn from the grieving process, and the grieving process can lead to personal growth. These are a few key learnings that helped many people find growth from their grief:

Life is uncertain and uncontrollable

You never know what life will bring. There are many aspects of life that cannot be controlled, and nothing is permanent or fixed, including life itself. Gaining this awareness can help life seem less overwhelming when things don’t go according to plan. Life being uncontrollable also means that no one can ultimately prevent a loved one’s suffering or death. For some people, that awareness can feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

There is joy in celebrating the connection you shared

The loss of a loved one may create a feeling of having a deep void in your life. However, their death can also bring a recognition of the joy and connection they brought to you while they were alive. Through grief, people can sometimes find away to celebrate the value of the unique and meaningful relationship you had with your loved one. As Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.

Relationships are important 

Along with celebrating the relationship you had with your loved one, you may find that the other connections in your life feel more important after a loss. Many people who have experienced grief begin to place greater value on relationships and feel driven to be kinder and more accepting of others. That can lead to fulfilling, close connections with others in the future.

Confusion can bring new possibilities

Often when people are grieving, they feel confused and disoriented, losing their sense of security. Feeling like you have no foundation can be frightening and cause a great deal of anxiety. You may be wondering who you are without the loved one you’ve lost. The upside is that needing to find your footing again can open up a world of possibilities. You can choose to experiment with new ways of being in the world, and reconnect with who you are and what’s important to you.

The role of faith and spirituality

People often re-evaluate their spiritual beliefs after a loss, and may come to new understandings about their own belief systems. Some people find that grieving leads them to feel more connected to their faith or spirituality, whether that is the same or very different than the form it took before their grieving process.

You’re stronger than you think

You may discover a number of personal strengths through your grieving process. Many people feel more independent, capable, compassionate and resilient after enduring a loss. Those strengths may not be clear early in the grieving process, but often appear as time goes on.

Live in the present

Grieving the death of a loved one can bring you face-to-face with your own mortality. That often leads people to embrace the time they have by living more fully in the present. Living more mindfully and striving to make the most of your life often brings people a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfilment. Grieving may lead you to live life to the fullest and develop a better understanding of who you are and what you really want.

Grieving is painful, and the personal growth that follows may take some time and take different forms for different people. Grief counselling can help support you through your grieving process and the personal growth you may experience. The team at Paul the Counsellor offers confidential, caring, non-judgemental grief counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgementally” – Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mindfulness meditation can be a useful tool to help you reduce your stress levels, feel more grounded, and increase your overall sense of wellbeing.

This mindfulness meditation can be done in as little as 5 minutes.

For more about stress and other ways for coping with it, see our series of blog posts about stress.

Mindfulness Meditation:

 Be in the present moment

• Find a comfortable position. You may choose to sit, stand, or lie down.
• When you’re ready, close your eyes.
• Pay attention to each part of your body, focusing on one small section at a time. You may find it useful to start with your toes and slowly work your way toward the top of your head. Take as much or as little time as feels right for you.
• Simply notice what’s happening in your body. Are there any areas that are tense? Relaxed? Are there areas that are easier to focus on than others?
• If you want your tense muscles to relax, begin to allow them to do so.

Notice and accept where you’re at right now

• Notice what’s happening inside you. If there are thoughts or worries running through your mind, simply notice them and let them pass by.
• Notice whether you’re tense or relaxed, whether your mind is busy or quiet. There’s nothing you need to do, and no particular way you need to react to what’s happening. Whatever state you’re in mentally, physically, and emotionally is OK. You can be however you are right now.

Become aware of your breath

• Pay attention to the rhythm of your breath, how it naturally flows in and out of your body. Try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth, slowly and easily. If you find yourself becoming distracted by thoughts or noises, you may simply notice them and gently return your awareness back to your breath.

Return to your surroundings

• At the end of your meditation, slowly start to bring your awareness back into your surroundings. Feel your body making contact with the floor or your chair. Listen for the sounds around you. When you’re ready, open your eyes.

Follow your own pace. This mindfulness meditation can be done as a 5 minute “time out” to help you relax, or you may choose to slow it down for a longer meditation session.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers confidential, supportive, non-judgemental counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Although most of us find ourselves procrastinating at some point, there are a lot of misconceptions about why people procrastinate. People are often very critical of themselves when they procrastinate, believing that they are lazy, incompetent, or somehow “defective”. However, that’s not what’s really behind procrastination. The tasks you’re expected to accomplish are likely to be causing you a lot of stress. They may be stirring up deep fears or other issues, even if you’re not fully aware of them. Procrastination serves an important purpose in our lives; it can be a way of managing those emotions.

Why do people procrastinate? The real reasons:

Everyone has a different experience of procrastination, but a few of the most common reasons are outlined here.

Procrastination starts with your inner critic

Many people equate the quality of their work with their value as a person. Often when we are faced with large, overwhelming, or stressful tasks, they can trigger our underlying fears and insecurities – our very sense of self-worth may feel threatened. The thought of failing at a task is terrifying. Our negative self judgements take over. You may believe on some level that if you don’t do a good job, your worth as a person will drop. It might feel like other people will judge you too. Any criticism of your work might feel like a criticism of you, especially if you demand “perfection” of yourself. Work can feel especially overwhelming if it seems as if there’s an endless list of tasks to be done; it could feel like pressure might never ease. These self-critical feelings and overwhelming sensations spark procrastination.

Procrastination offers temporary relief

It makes sense that you’d want a break from all of the distressing fears and anxieties discussed above. Procrastination offers a temporary oasis. You can avoid the task at hand and escape from some of those painful feelings and questions about your self-worth. It also postpones the time when your work – and you – will being judged. Even if you’re not demanding perfection of yourself, procrastination can help you escape a general sense of stress. The more you feel that work and pressure are invading your life, the more likely you are to procrastinate and seek out leisure activities instead of doing what you “should” be doing. Unfortunately, procrastinating doesn’t offer complete relief from those stressors, and the relief it does provide is fleeting.

Procrastination lets you express resentment

We’re often placed in situations where we’re told there are things we “have to do” or we will face punishment, whether it’s writing a report at work or paying a parking ticket. Saying “no” often isn’t a reasonable option, and that can make us feel powerless. Procrastinating lets us do the next best thing – we can rebel and secretly express our resentment without facing many direct consequences. Putting off a task as long as possible, and perhaps even doing a half-hearted last minute effort, is a way of getting “unstuck” and taking back some control over your own life. Procrastination may allow you to feel like you’re regaining some of the power that others have over you.

Procrastination combats fear of failure and fear of success

Perfectionism and self-criticism of lead to an intense fear of failure. That fear can be especially strong if your sense of identity or self-worth focuses on one area of your life, such as your work. Procrastination can be a way of disengaging your self-worth from the task at hand; if you start late, the result will be rushed and not necessarily your best work. That means that if you’re judged or criticised, it’s not as much a reflection on you than it would be if you tried your hardest.

Likewise, success can feel frightening. Success might lead to additional demands and pressure placed upon you in the future. In some cases, success could mean transitioning to a new and uncertain stage of life, such as graduating from university or getting a job promotion that results in major life changes. You might also be concerned that other people in your life may start to resent your success. Procrastination can be used as a self-defeating behaviour to avoid success, as it could lead to producing rushed and lower quality work. In other cases, procrastination may be a way of avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of fear of success, or to delay possible success.

The reasons for procrastination are complex. Overcoming procrastination isn’t just about time management or motivation; it involves learning to feel compassion for ourselves and trusting in our own self-worth. Counselling can provide the support you need to soften your inner critic and develop a sense of your own self-worth.

If you or someone you know is struggling with procrastination, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. The Paul the Counsellor team offers supportive, confidential, non-judgemental counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 3 of a 3 part series on attachment in relationships. Part 3 focuses on what happens when attachments fall apart.

Attachments are important for us to function and thrive, and we instinctually seek them out. Unfortunately, they don’t always last.

There are some common patterns to what happens when attachments start to break down. If your relationship is in distress or you’ve separated from someone you had a strong attachment to, the last 3 principles of attachment theory may sound very familiar to you.

 6. The distress caused by separation follows predictable patterns

When we seek out closer connections or support from an attachment figure and they don’t provide the comfort or contact we’re looking for, it’s extremely distressing. Most people angrily protest their partner’s emotional inaccessibility. Early protests usually include the belief that the attachment can be repaired, and simply act as a signal to our partners that something is wrong. In strong relationships, those protests are usually acknowledged and accepted and the couple moves on. If people’s partners continue to be unresponsive to those signals, the protests turn angrier, despairing, desperate, coercive and sometimes malicious. The protesters experience depression and despair. Their relationships break down and they eventually detach from their partners. It’s a painful process that often affects people’s ability to make close attachments in the future, at least in the short term.

 7. There are two main ways people cope with attachments falling apart

People tend to respond to ailing attachments in one of two ways: anxiety or avoidance. Those coping styles become evident when the attachment is under threat but not yet severed.

People with an anxious coping style become “clingy” in an attempt to keep the attachment going. Their desire for attachment goes into overdrive, and they may start to relentlessly pursue their partner in order to regain some sense of closeness. When that doesn’t work, anxious coping styles can also lead to aggression, blaming, emotionally loaded demands, and ultimatums. Those behaviours continue to escalate as the attachment breaks down even further. People who habitually use an anxious coping style may feel the loss of attachment to their partner as a complete catastrophe, not unlike death.

People who use avoidance as their coping style attempt to ignore or “shut off” their need for attachment. The less hopeful they feel about getting a response from their partner or redeveloping a close attachment, the more extreme their avoidance becomes. They often push away the temptation to try to emotionally engage with their partner by immersing themselves in tasks and focusing obsessively on work. Avoidance is usually an attempt to avoid further rejection. People who are habitually avoidant may become hostile when their partners show distress or seek out support from them.

In some cases, people adopt a combination of the two styles. They may seek out attachment but then run from it when it’s offered. It’s less common than the other two styles and referred to as a “fearful avoidant” style.

8. Losing an attachment is inherently traumatising

The disintegration of a close attachment usually leads to feelings of deprivation, loss, rejection and abandonment. The pain is made even worse because we’ve lost our connection to the person that we depend on the most for emotional support and comfort. Detachment is stressful and traumatising, and diminishes our ability to deal with other life stressors. When people experience the loss of attachment figures over and over, especially early in life, they may not be able to trust that they can depend on their attachment figures or that they’ll stick around.

We all need attachment, and most of us will experience detachment from someone close to us at some point in our lives. If you’re experiencing the loss of an attachment figure, the counsellors at Paul the Counsellor can provide you with safe support and understanding. The Paul the Counsellor team offers non-judgemental, caring, confidential counselling to individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 2 of a 3 part series on attachment in relationships. Part 2 focuses on the emotional aspects of attachments and how attachments form.

The last post explained why attachment is important for happy relationships. But attachments don’t just form out of the blue. So what allows attachment to develop?

Principles 4 and 5 of attachment theory provide some insight into how attachments form.

4. Emotional engagement brings people together

Emotional engagement is key to developing attachments. That means both emotional availability and emotional responsiveness. If your partner is physically present but emotionally absent, you’re not likely to become attached to them (note that the situation might be different for early attachment figures like parents, who we attach to anyway). It’s also important for attachment that your partner responds to your emotional signals – it’s a sign that you matter to them, and what you do affects them, too.  Their response doesn’t need to be positive for you to form an attachment. Responding to you even with anger, although not ideal, still shows that they’re emotionally engaged and connected to you.

Our strongest emotions and the ones that impact us the most come from the interactions with our attachment figures. For many adults, that happens in our romantic relationships; the dynamics between ourselves and our partners affect us more than anything else.

The intense emotional nature of attachments makes it very distressing when it feels like our attachment figure becomes emotionally disengaged and unavailable to us.

5. Fear and uncertainty drive us to find attachment

Attachment in healthy relationships means a sense of comfort, security and connection. When we’re feeling vulnerable, whether from everyday stress, experiencing a major trauma, or feeling like our attachment bond itself is under threat, attachment becomes more important than ever. Desiring attachment when we’re distressed is an instinctual emotional response, whether or not we act on that desire.

Whatever the reason for feeling vulnerable or afraid, people’s “attachment behaviours” become activated during tough times. Attachment behaviours include things like trying to be in physical proximity to your partner more of the time. Everyone responds to relationship issues differently, but you may have noticed that you “run toward” or “chase after” your partner at times when your relationship is strained or it feels like they’re slipping away (detaching) emotionally. You may try the opposite approach of suppressing your attachment behaviours.

Attachments are clearly emotionally charged. Stay tuned for part 3 of this series to find out what people experience when attachments break down.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers non-judgemental, confidential, and supportive counselling to individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 1 of a 3 part series on attachment in relationships. Part 1 focuses on what attachment is and why it’s essential to romantic relationships.

“Attachment theory” is a way of understanding how we form attachments to people in long-term relationships, including our friends, family, and romantic partners.

Attachment theory first focused on children, but it can tell us a lot about adult relationships too. Adults also have a strong need to be attached to someone who shows them affection, attention, emotional responsiveness, and interest.

Attachment and dependence are often given a bad name, but they aren’t as scary as they might sound – in fact, they’re essential for fulfilling romantic relationships!

There are 8 main principles of attachment theory

This post describes the first 3 principles of attachment theory, which explain the importance of attachment and how it can help you and your relationship thrive. Be sure to check out the rest of the series for the other principles.

1. Attachment is a basic human instinct

Wanting attachment doesn’t mean you’re “needy”. Humans are social creatures and most of us fear being alone. We’re all driven to seek out attachment to other people – it’s a healthy and inbuilt feature of human beings. We need close relationships for our emotional and physical wellbeing, and those relationships develop by making attachments to others. As children, we tend to have one main “attachment figure”, usually a parent or caregiver. As adults, we tend to look for romantic partners to fill the role of our primary attachment figure. The search for attachment is one of the most powerful motivators we have!

2. Attachment creates comfort and security

For both children and adults, not having access to an attachment figure is a distressing and lonely experience. Life feels a lot less scary when you’re attached to a partner who’s by your side. Attachments create a “safe haven” in the world. People who have attachment figures close by usually feel more secure and supported, and are better able to deal with stress and conflict. When people fulfil their need for attachment, their relationships with their partners and the other people in their lives are likely to be much more satisfying. Another great benefit becoming “attached” to your partner is that the feeling of comfort and security make it much easier to repair your relationship with your partner when things get difficult.

3. Autonomy requires being dependent

Sometimes people think that being dependent on their partner means losing their own autonomy. In truth, none of us are totally independent and self-sufficient. Close relationships and having people we can depend on are necessary for our survival. We all have some level of dependence on others, and when it’s balanced in a healthy way it allows people to develop self-confidence and flourish as separate individuals.

Healthy and balanced dependency means feeling interdependent with someone else; you’re firmly attached to someone who is also attached to you, and you can depend on them. It feels like a safe and stable relationship. People who are interdependent with their partners have a solid grounding and feel more comfortable taking risks and exploring the world with confidence. They have a more positive and well-defined sense of self and self-image. Dependence is often labelled as “bad”, but it’s an important part of healthy attachment and something that we all strive for (even if we’re not aware of it). People with interdependent relationships find it easier to be autonomous and self-confident than those who keep themselves distant and separate from others.

As the first three principles show, attachment is important to thriving as a couple and as an individual. Stay tuned for the rest of the principles in the next two posts. Part 2 will explain how attachments form, and part 3 will focus on what happens when attachments fall apart.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers supportive, non-judgemental, confidential counselling for individuals and couples in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

The way we interact with others is often motivated by psychological needs outside of our awareness. To meet these needs we tend to play certain “roles” in relationships, although the role we take on may change in different situations and with different people.

There are some commonalities in the roles that appear in people’s relationship dynamics. Stephen Karpman, a Transactional Analyst, recognised a pattern of interaction that he called the “Drama Triangle”. The Drama Triangle model is widely used in counselling and psychotherapy.

What is the Drama Triangle?

The Drama Triangle includes three roles: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.

• Victim: The victim either takes on or accepts the role of a mistreated, persecuted person.
• Persecutor: The persecutor pressures or bullies the victim.
• Rescuer: The rescuer rushes to defend the victim, protecting them from the persecutor.

The Drama Triangle is usually represented as a triangle with its point facing downward, with the persecutor and rescuer at the top and the victim at the bottom. This shows that the persecutor and rescuer both assume a position of power over the victim.

Each of the roles needs the others in order to function and together they play a “game”. The roles do not necessarily represent the reality of each person’s place in the situation or their true level of power.

An individual may start at any position in the Drama Triangle. As the Drama Triangle unfolds, something surprising happens; the players switch roles. That may happen in several ways, but usually the victim becomes the persecutor.

The victim may become tired of being bullied and lash out at the persecutor. The rescuer’s assistance seemingly empowers the victim to retaliate even though the victim is usually capable of defending herself without the rescuer’s assistance. In this scenario, the victim and the persecutor “swap” roles.

Alternatively, the victim may begin to persecute the rescuer, “I don’t need your help! Stay out of it!”. The victim becomes the persecutor and pushes the rescuer into the victim role. The persecutor becomes the rescuer to keep the balance. The players all shift roles but there is always a victim, persecutor, and rescuer; all three are needed to maintain the Drama Triangle.

Each person involved in the Drama Triangle wants others to see them in a certain way and their starting role allows that to happen. The victim may want to attack the persecutor, but may not feel justified doing so unless it appears that they are retaliating against being victimised themselves. When they are a victim, their anger seems reasonable and acceptable. The person starting in the rescuer role may believe that they will only be loved if they are altruistic and taking care of others and want to be seen doing just that. The persecutor may have a need to feel or appear powerful and in control.

The Drama Triangle is a “game” rather than a genuine, open interaction. Each person in the Drama Triangle comes into the situation with an ulterior motive, whether or not they’re aware of it, and they all must be willing participants on some level for the triangle to form and be maintained. The Drama Triangle can also form in groups, with one or multiple people filling each of the roles.

Does the Drama Triangle sound familiar to you? What role do you usually take on first?

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers non-judgemental, confidential, and supportive counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

When people say “I need…” there are countless ways they could end their sentence. People have a wide range of needs, from basic needs like oxygen to more abstract needs like needing to feel loved and fulfilled. Although some needs are more pressing than others, all of the needs people have are valid and important aspects of human experience.

American psychologist Abraham Maslow developed what he called, “The Hierarchy of Needs” as a way of better understanding the variety of needs that people have. The Hierarchy of Needs is usually represented by a pyramid with a different level for each type of human need. People start by focusing on the needs at the base level of the pyramid and when those needs at satisfied they can move up to the next level.

Maslow believed that people must first attend their to survival needs such as needs for food, water, and shelter. Once those needs have been met, they can move onto safety needs, such as having security, protection, and stability. In the modern world, safety needs can also include things such as financial stability and job security. Together, the survival needs and safety needs are sometimes referred to as the “basic needs”.

After satisfying basic needs, people can move onto focusing on psychological needs. The first level of psychological needs are love and belongingness needs. That includes things like the needs for close relationships, intimacy, and a sense of connection with others and belonging. From there people move up to addressing self-esteem needs, which include finding a sense of accomplishment and achievement, and gaining respect from and for others.

Once psychological needs have been attended to, people can move to the highest level of the pyramid: self-actualisation needs. Self-actualisation refers to a state where people can be free and spontaneous, have a sense of fulfilment, meaning and purpose in their lives, are highly creative, know themselves well, and live genuinely according to who they are and their own principles and sense of morality. The peak of self-actualisation is to reach your full potential as a human being.

Self-actualisation may sound like a tall order, and it is. Self-actualisation is something to strive for; it’s an ideal that may never be fully achieved. However, Maslow and other humanistic counsellors and psychotherapists believe that people are always striving to grow and become more fully themselves; people have an inner drive to move toward self-actualisation.

Each person may move along the steps of the pyramid differently, and could even be striving to meet needs within several parts of the Hierarchy of Needs at the same time. Someone with no stable home or source of food from one meal to the next may also be trying to meet their love and belonging needs. However, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs provides a useful framework for looking at the way humans shift their focus as they’re able to get some of their needs met. Even when multiple types of needs come into play, someone with no stable food or shelter will likely be focusing on meeting their basic needs above meeting their psychological needs.

Different kinds of support are needed as people reach different stages of the pyramid. As people strive to meet their psychological needs and move toward self-actualisation, emotional support from others and meaningful connections play a crucial role.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provides supportive, caring, confidential counselling in the Melbourne CBD. Our counsellors can help provide the vital support and connection necessary while you strive to meet your psychological and self-actualisation needs.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Since beginning my private practice I have noticed that a large number of clients come to therapy at approximately the age of 30. I have become curious about this phenomenon, which I call the “30 crisis”, and although I might not have an easy explanation I have some thoughts and ideas about why it happens and how people move through it.

We’ve all heard of the mid-life crisis which is a different beast to the 30 crisis. In a mid-life crisis a person wakes up one Sunday morning and as if for the first time begins to wonder who on earth they are. On reflection they see a life that was unlived as a consequence of following someone else’s idea about what it means to live and thrive. For some the regret can be too much to bear and they try to compensate for what they feel they’ve lost. The compensation may take the form of expensive purchases (the cliché red porsche), promiscuity, infidelity or overuse of alcohol and drugs. Some people navigate the mid-life crisis more creatively and make healthy changes that lead them in the direction of a more rich and fulfilling life. However, there is much that can’t be undone and time that cannot be recovered.

This animated video with the voice and words of British Philosopher Alan Watts perhaps sums up the mid-life crisis better than I ever could:

What is this phenomenon I’m labelling the 30 crisis and how does it relate to mid-life crisis? At age 30 a person may come to fork in the road. They have often been successful enough to secure their autonomy and in many ways feel self-sufficient. In this event a person is left with two very sound questions:

• Why am I doing what I’m doing?

• If I keep doing what I’m doing where is my life going to take me?

This is distinct from the mid-life crisis in that people experiencing the 30 crisis are at the beginning of a new stage of their lives and are not motivated by the pain of regret for time lost. For some this becomes a terrific opportunity to pause and reevaluate their beliefs and priorities. For others who may have more difficulty with emotional regulation or who are challenged by engaging with questions of an existential nature this can be a time of tumult. We recently wrote about the 27 club, a veritable who’s who list of entertainers who died at 27 years of age. All highly successful in their chosen careers, relatively early in their lives, but somehow anguished enough to destroy their own lives. It may be that those who can successfully navigate the 30 crisis may prevent a mid-life crisis.

In exploring psychotherapy literature I found some theories that could explain the 30 crisis and how people may be able to navigate it to live more enriching lives. Carl Jung had some interesting ideas about this topic. He believed that we are innately driven to travel a path of self-realisation and that when we stray from this path we develop neurotic symptoms. He suggested that in our 30s there is a shift away from individual concerns such as materialism and sexuality and towards contributing to community and humanity. According to Jung the 30 crisis is a developmental stage where we shift our focus from ourselves to the greater whole. And if I understand his theory if we don’t make that shift we are going to feel anxious and depressed.

Erik Erikson, the great developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, has views about the 30 crisis that are distinct but related to Jung’s. His theory is that in health we sequentially go through a series of eight stages of development as we move from infancy to late adulthood. He believed that at age 30 we have established our identities and we are faced with a dilemma of intimacy versus isolation. In successfully navigating this stage we learn to form truly intimate relationships with others where we willingly make sacrifices and compromises. According to Erikson in order to navigate the 30 crisis we need to be able to meet our own needs so that we can attend to the needs of others. If we cannot do this then we feel isolated and presumably also anxious and depressed.

To summarise, the 30 crisis is a fork in the road where an individual who has been successful thus far stops to evaluate what matters to him and whether he is heading in the direction he truly wants to go. According to some of the great thinkers in the field this reevaluation may involve a shift towards contributing to the greater whole and an increasing emphasis on the depth and quality of relationships.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

The tragic news of Amy Winehouse’s death took many of her fans by surprise. She was an extremely talented artist and has been credited with revitalising soul music and putting British music back on the map. Unfortunately, in the last few years of her life Amy Winehouse became as famous for her struggles with drug and alcohol addiction as for her music.

Amy Winehouse recently died at age 27, joining the infamous ‘27 Club’. Many other well-known musicians died when they were 27, including Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, and Jim Morrison to name a few. The members of the 27 Club had something in common besides their age; they all had alcohol or drug addictions at the time of their deaths. Is 27 a dangerous age for musicians, or is the real cause of their deaths that these young people have not had the support they needed to overcome their addictions?

27 can be a difficult age for other reasons, too. It’s common for people to undertake re-evaluations of their lives around age 30; they experience the ‘30 crisis’. That stage of life often feels like a fork in the road; people are old enough and experienced enough to evaluate whether their lives are on the right track, but still young enough to make major life changes. Questions arise about whether their careers, relationships, and lifestyle are right for them. Are they living the life they want to be living? That self-exploration can be an extremely unsettling process and can sometimes feel quiet frightening.

Success and wealth over no protection against the ‘30 crisis’ and the uncomfortable feelings that go along with it. Is it possible that Amy Winehouse and other members of the 27 Club were relying on drugs and alcohol to quell the confusion and anxiety caused by that stage of life?  It may be that their drug and alcohol abuse increased in their late 20s due to the ‘30 crisis’, ultimately leading to their deaths.

Support is an essential part of recovering from addictions, as well as for dealing with the questions that arise when people begin re-examining their lives. The team at Paul the Counsellor provides confidential, caring, non-judgemental support for addictions and for the difficult process of self-discovery during the ‘30 crisis’ or any other stage of life. Counselling can be a powerful aid, whether used alone or in conjunction with rehab treatment. Experienced and caring counsellors like members of the Paul the Counsellor team may help prevent tragedies like the death of Amy Winehouse in the future.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Depression Hurts Physically Too

What first comes to mind when you hear the word “depression”? Chances are that it’s the emotional aspects of depression – the mood changes, hopelessness and deep sadness. However, depression often has significant physical symptoms too.

For some people, the physical symptoms of depression are much more apparent than having a low mood. Research has shown that many people with depression seek out help for physical ailments but not for depression. Some people may only be aware of their physical symptoms. One wide-scale study screened over 1100 medical patients in 14 countries for depression, and 69% of the patients who met the criteria for depression had come only to treat physical symptoms. Unfortunately, depression may be overlooked by both sufferers and their physicians when the focus is on physical symptoms.

Often people suffering from depression will have several physical symptoms, the most common of which are listed below. In many cases, the severity of physical symptoms matches the severity of depression.

Common physical symptoms of depression

• Headaches
• Back pain
• Muscle aches or joint pain (depression can cause these, and also tends to make chronic pain much worse)
• Abdominal pain or cramping
• Chest pain (also associated with anxiety)
• Digestive problems (e.g. nausea, diarrhoea or constipation)
• Change in appetite or weight (eating much more or much less than usual, significant weight gain or loss)
• Exhaustion or fatigue
• Feeling “slowed down” in your movements
• Sleeping problems (about 80% of people with depression wake up early or can’t fall asleep; 15% sleep much more than usual)
• Decrease in sex drive

There are other physical effects of depression too, such as an increased risk of heart disease and accelerated loss of bone mass leading to osteoporosis.

Recognising when physical symptoms are due to depression is essential to treating both the depression itself and the physical symptoms. If only the physical aspects are attended to, they’re unlikely to get better until the underlying mood issues are addressed. You may find yourself getting frustrated that your aches and pains won’t go away, or that nothing helps improve your sleep for very long. If that’s the case, it’s possible that something more is happening for you than physical ailments alone.

Of course, not everyone experiencing the above symptoms is suffering from depression; it is still a good idea to consult a physician to rule out other possible causes. If no other clear cause is found, depression could be the culprit.

If you or someone you care about is suffering from depression or unexplained physical ailments, counselling may help. The support that counselling provides is essential for  alleviating both emotional and physical symptoms. The team at Paul the Counsellor offers confidential, supportive, non-judgemental counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Grieving the loss of a loved one often involves experiencing a range of intense emotions, many of them painful. Adjusting to life without them can be a long and difficult process, and you may also be struggling to make sense of their death. The grieving process includes dealing with so many issues and emotions that it may be difficult to confine grieving to just our waking hours.

Grieving in your dreams

Many people find that part of their mourning happens in their dreams. Dreams can be a powerful tool in the grieving process, supporting us by giving us an additional way to process our emotions. Dreams may also allow us at times to face emotions, fears, or thoughts that are too overwhelming to experience when we’re awake.

If you’re dreaming while going through the grieving process, there are 5 things to be aware of to help you make the most of your dreams.

Important points about dreaming while grieving:

1.  Dreams may be relevant to the grieving process even if the deceased person does not appear. If they do appear, pay attention to what they’re doing in the dream – it may provide you with some insight into where your grief is focused right now.
2.  Dream fragments can be important, too. Even if you only remember a small piece of a dream, there can be a lot of relevant messages in that fragment. Piecing several fragments together may start to create a more complete picture as well.
3.  Notice whether there are any themes to your dreams. The setting, images, and metaphors may vary, but there could also be a bigger theme that ties many of your dreams together.
4.  The anniversary of the person’s death is a common time to start dreaming about them, even if you haven’t before. That may also happen when you experience other major life events such as birthdays, weddings, or graduations. Paying attention to those dreams may give you a better understanding of where you are in your grieving process.
5.  Our relationships with people are often very complex. The way we interact in our dreams with the person who has passed away can shed some light on some of the more subtle aspects of that relationship. The deceased person may have played an important role in your life that no-one else fills. You may have wanted something more from your interaction with them, even if you weren’t fully aware if it. When a loved one dies, the role they played in your life and the future possibilities for your relationship die with them. Those often need to be grieved as well.

Speaking to a counsellor about your dreams is often the most effective way to help you understand the meaning and importance of your dreams while you’re grieving. Counselling can also help support you through your grief and the range of emotions and issues that arise for you during that process.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers confidential, caring, and supportive grief counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

People have been trying to figure out the meaning of life for centuries, perhaps for as long as humans have existed. You might not have been expecting to discover the answer to the meaning of life today, but here it is.

How do we know the meaning of life?

To discover the meaning of life, researchers turned to almost 200 of the greatest thinkers throughout human history to see what they had to say about the matter. While they all said something slightly different, there were 10 answers that came up over and over again.

The top 10 answers to “What is the Meaning of Life?”:

1. To enjoy the “moment,” the “journey.”

As Malcolm Forbes said, life “is a very short trip – while alive, live!”. Ralph Waldo Emerson encouraged people “to laugh often and much” and “to appreciate beauty”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Ralph Waldo Emerson, Malcolm Forbes, Cary Grant, Janis Joplin, Thomas Jefferson, Helen Keller, Sinclair Lewis, and Eleanor Roosevelt to name a few.

2. To love, help, or serve others. Feel compassion.

Einstein once said, “Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Albert Einstein, Mohandas Gandhi, the Dalai Lama, Albert Schweitzer, Jean Jacques Rousseau, Clarence Darrow, and many more.

3. Life is a mystery.

This may not seem like an answer at first glance. However, many eminent thinkers have come to the conclusion that the meaning of life isn’t something that humans are able to know.

In the words of author Albert Camus, “I know that I do not know that meaning [of life] and that it is impossible for me to know.”

Who thinks this is the answer?
Albert Camus, Bob Dylan, Albert Einstein, Betty Friedan, Søren Kierkegaard, Napoleon, Stephen Hawking, and Martin Buber.

4. Life is meaningless.

This answer might sound pessimistic, but it’s also a popular one. Some thinkers also see meaninglessness in a positive light; it gives each of us the opportunity to create our own personal meanings of life (see #9 for more on that belief).

As Sartre proclaimed, “it is meaningless that we are born; it is meaningless that we die.”

Who thinks this is the answer?
Joseph Conrad, Clarence Darrow, Sigmund Freud, Franz Kafka, H. L. Mencken, Henry Miller, Bertrand Russell, Jean Paul Sartre, Arthur Schopenhauer, and George Bernard Shaw, among others.

5. To serve God and/or prepare for the next life.

This answer came up many times among both spiritual leaders and other thinkers.

As Muhammad Ali once said, life is “only a preparation for the eternal home, which is far more important than the short pleasures that seduce us here”. Martin Luther King. Jr, “just wants to do God’s will”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Mohandas Gandhi, Billy Graham, Desmond Tutu, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Muhammad Ali, Nelson Mandela, and Thomas Paine.

6. Life is a struggle.

Life is difficult journey, and it’s meaning is simply to struggle through the hardships.

Charles Dickens described life as, “one damned horrid grind”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Charles Dickens, Benjamin Disraeli, Edna St. Vincent Millay, George Bernard Shaw, and Jonathan Swift.

7. To contribute to something that is greater than ourselves.

Meaning comes from being an active part of something bigger than ourselves, generally something that contributes to the greater good.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, our job in life is to, “leave the world a bit better”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Margaret Mead, Richard Nixon, Mohandas Gandhi, Ralph Waldo Emerson, William Faulkner, Benjamin Franklin, Horace Mann, and Will Durant.

8. To become self-actualised; to develop as a person and pursue truth and wisdom.

Life is about striving to reach your full potential and to learn as much as possible about yourself and the world.

Erich Fromm once wrote, “man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Marie Curie, Erich Fromm, Frederick Nietzsche, Plato, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, Robert Louis Stevenson, and Henry David Thoreau.

9. To create your own meaning.

Life doesn’t have just one meaning; it’s up to each one of us to make our own.

In the words of the artist Grandma Moses, “Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Grandma Moses, Carl Sagan, Carl Jung, Simone de Beauvoir, Viktor Frankl, John Dewey, and Sidney Hook.

 10. Life is absurd or a joke.

Life isn’t meant to be taken seriously! Life’s absurdity is what it’s all about.

As Albert Camus wrote, “The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth”. Charlie Chaplin took a step back and looked at the bigger picture when he said that life was, “a tragedy when seen in close-up but a comedy in the long shot”.

Who thinks this is the answer?
Albert Camus, Charlie Chaplin, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, and Oscar Wilde.

Do any of these 10 answers to the meaning of life fit with your beliefs? What do you think the meaning of life is?

Are you curious to explore more about the meaning of life and what it means for you? Several members of the team at Paul the Counsellor offer existential psychotherapy that can assist you in exploring existential questions such as these.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Pets keep us happy and healthy

The fact that pets can improve your quality of life won’t come as a surprise to people with companion animals. Thanks to modern research, we’re now starting to understand the specific mental and physical health benefits that pets provide and the important role they can play in our lives.

Mental health benefits

Having pets can reduce your stress immensely, which is something many of us suffer from in our day to day lives. Studies have shown that when people are asked to do a stressful task, having their pet with them lowers their stress levels even more than having a supportive friend or their spouse close by. The effects are also clear in people with Alzheimer’s; they tend have fewer anxious episodes if they have animal at home.

Pets can also be tremendously helpful for lifting feelings of loneliness and isolation. They provide unconditional love, companionship and the opportunity for close connection. When people in assisted living homes are visited by companion animals, they report feeling much less lonely afterwards and even less lonely than when they spend time with other people.

Companion animals provide social support to their owners in several ways. Pets make excellent friends; they’re good listeners, non-judgemental, and loyal. They also offer an opportunity to meet other pet owners, either through mutual interest groups or by encountering people when you go out with your pets. When people walk their dogs, they tend to make much more eye contact with other people than when they walk alone, and they have more people interact with them. Those social benefits go beyond the times you’re with your pet; people with pets report feeling more connected to the other people in their lives in other circumstances too.

In addition to all the other mental health benefits, pets encourage playfulness and often revive a sense of fun, adventure, and curiosity in their owners. Physical contact is also important to good mental health and many types of animals provide an opportunity for hugs and touch that might otherwise be missing from people’s lives. People may also develop a sense of purpose in their lives when they have an animal to care for. Not surprisingly, people with pets have been shown to have lower rates of depression.

Physical health benefits

Study after study shows that people with pets tend to be much healthier than people without pets. Simply petting or playing with an animal can elevate your serotonin and dopamine levels and lower your blood pressure and pulse rate, helping you relax. Pets even help lower your cholesterol and triglyceride levels. It’s no wonder that people with pets are at less risk for a heart attack and recover more quickly if they do have a heart attack. Incredibly, the survival rate after a heart attack is up to five times higher for people who have pets.

Pets also encourage us to stay active and get more exercise, which has both physical and mental health benefits. Even for elderly people, pet owners tend to be more active than non-pet owners. Companion animals keep us feeling young, healthy and happy. It’s not a subtle difference, either; pet owners over 65 make 30% fewer visits to doctors than those without.

Having a pet comes with a great deal of responsibility. Some people are not in a position to take on that role, and others may not be able to due to long work hours or living situations that don’t allow pets. However, contact with animals can still be rewarding.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provides non-judgemental and confidential counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Here are three relaxation techniques to help you manage your stress.

1. Find your safe place

This exercise is about using your imagination to help you relax. You may find that your imagination is much more powerful than you previously thought.

• Sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed.  Take a few deep breaths, focusing on your breath going in and out slowly.
• Think of a place that makes you feel comfortable, safe and relaxed.

Some possibilities could be a beautiful place in nature, your childhood home, or even your favourite armchair. It can be real or imaginary. You can use anywhere that feels safe and is meaningful and relaxing for you.

• Imagine the place you’ve chosen in as much detail as possible. Use every one of your senses. What does this place look like? Smell like? What can you hear? Is there anything around you that you can taste?
• Explore your environment. Reach out and feel the things around you. Take a walk around. Spend a few minutes noticing as many details as you can about your safe environment.
• Imagine sitting or lying down somewhere in your safe place. Enjoy the feeling of safety and comfort you can feel here.
• When you’re feeling more relaxed, slowly start to bring your awareness back to the present. Take time to refocus your senses on what’s happening around you. Wiggle your fingers and toes. When you’re ready, open your eyes.

The more frequently you practice going to your “safe place”, the easier it will be to imagine it and feel relaxed when stressful events occur in your day-to-day life.

2. Deep Breathing

We all breathe, but often not very effectively. Focusing on improving the quality of our breathing is a simple way to reduce stress and can be done anywhere, anytime.

A simple, short breathing exercise:

• Sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Feel your feet making contact with the floor.
• Place your hand on your lower belly, just below your navel.
• Take a long, deep breath in, feeling your hand lifting as you inhale.
• Let your breath out slowly, feeling your hand fall as you exhale.
• Continue this process of taking slow, even, deep breaths. Focus on the rising and falling of your belly and your hand.

You can keep doing this for a few breaths or a few minutes – whatever feels right for you.

3. Progressive Muscle Relaxation

You can go at your own pace with this exercise, keeping it as short or as long as you’d like.

• Find a comfortable place to lie on your back. A yoga mat or a soft, carpeted floor works well for most people. Dim the lights. Make sure you’re warm enough. You can use a blanket if you want.
• Close your eyes.
• Breathe slowly and deeply, paying attention to your breath.
• Focus your attention on your toes. Clench the muscles in your toes for a few seconds, then let them relax fully. Move up your body doing the same thing, one muscle group at a time. Slowly work your way up from your toes to your head, paying attention to one area at a time. Slowly tense and relax your feet; ankles; calves; thighs; buttocks; abdominal muscles; fingers; arms; shoulders; neck; and face.
• Take as little or as much time as you’d like. You can focus on even smaller areas if you want, such as doing one toe at a time. You can also choose how long you want to tense and relax each muscle group. Whatever interval you choose, try to keep it even throughout your body.
• When you’ve worked through your whole body, return to focusing on your breathing. Breathe deeply and fully.
• Slowly bring your awareness back to your surroundings. When you’re ready, open your eyes and gently stand up.

One of the above exercises may have worked especially well for you. Maybe all three were equally useful. It’s helpful to know what style of relaxation technique works for you, so you can turn to the most effective stress management exercises when you need them most.

Counselling can help you recognise the stressors in your life and reduce the negative effects of stress. If you live in Melbourne or the Greater Melbourne area and would like to undertake counselling please feel free to contact one of the team members at Paul the Counsellor.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

People experience stress in all sorts of different ways. You might not use the term “stress” to describe how you’re feeling, but maybe you notice constant tension in your neck and shoulders, or start to panic whenever you think about something you need to do or a person you have to interact with.

What is stress?

Stress is a normal reaction to a threat. It’s a physical response that increases our energy and alertness and spurs us into action. Back in the day, stress helped us survive in dangerous situations like running from vicious animals in the wild.

These days, most of us aren’t chased by wild animals, but we do still feel stress. Plenty of things in our day-to-day lives can feel like modern “threats” to our wellbeing, from frustrating traffic jams and fights with our partners to demanding bosses and malfunctioning computers.

Stress can still be a good thing sometimes, giving us a boost of motivated energy and efficiency to work on a task. It can also help alert us to when things don’t feel quite right.

Stress becomes a problem when we feel a lot of stress over little threats, or keep feeling stressed out for long periods of time. Our bodies are built for stress to be a fleeting experience, like the short burst of time when we’re running from an animal. Unfortunately, some stressors do last a lot longer than that. Finding ways to deal with stress becomes more important as our stress levels increase and stick around for longer periods. Long-term stress can do serious damage to our physical, mental and emotional health. Here are some of the signs of being stressed out.

What are some of the common signs of stress?

Physical signs

• Headaches, backaches, or stomachaches
• Tight neck and shoulders
• Jaw pain
• Frequent illness
• Heartburn
• Lack of sexual desire
• Constantly feeling tired or fatigued

Mental signs

• Having trouble concentrating
• Forgetting things
• Worrying all the time
• Having trouble making decisions
• Pessimism

Emotional signs

• Irritability
• Hostility or anger
• Depression or hopelessness
• Boredom or apathy
• Loneliness
• Anxiety or panic attacks
• Feeling empty
• Joylessness
• Feeling directionless

Behavioural signs

• Substance abuse or chain smoking
• Eating too little or too much
• Losing your temper
• Crying
• Rushing all the time
• Having frequent accidents
• Failing to get things done

Social signs

• Isolating yourself
• Getting into arguments
• Losing friends

By attending to the signs of being stressed out you can begin to find ways to reduce the sources of your stress or to make any necessary lifestyle changes. If stress has become a persistent part of your life, it’s also important to find some ways to manage your stress so you can lead a richer and more fulfilling life. It’s not realistic to avoid all the things that stress you out, but you can find ways to reduce the stress itself.

There isn’t one perfect method of stress relief that works for everyone. Some people may find breathing exercises useful while others may find relief through a walk in the bush or by taking hot bath. There are many possible methods for stress management.

Stay tuned for our next post; we’ll give you instructions for 3 different types of stress reduction techniques. Try them to find out if one of them works well for you.

Counselling is also a great support for managing your stress. The team at Paul the Counsellor can help you identify the causes of your stress and explore ways to reduce your stress, improving the quality of your life.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

In vitro fertilisation, or IVF, can be a difficult process. It’s usually accompanied by very strong emotions. IVF provides the opportunity for many people to become parents who would otherwise not be able to have children, and often brings incredible joy for those who fall pregnant. It can also bring heartache, disappointment, and stress. For some people the ups and downs can be extreme. For women who have partners at the time, their partners and relationships are also very affected by the IVF process.

Undergoing IVF cycles can be both physically and emotionally taxing. “Failed” cycles (those that don’t end in pregnancy) are frequently met with disappointment and sadness. It can be made harder by the knowledge that for some people, IVF will not be successful.

Women and couples undergoing IVF may have to make some very difficult decisions about how many cycles they will attempt. Relationships can become tense if partners disagree on how long IVF should continue. The decision to stop IVF can lead a major sense of loss and emptiness. Although other people may not recognise or even know about the grief that goes along with ending IVF treatment, for some women and couples it can feel like losing a child. For more information about this see our post about disenfranchised grief.

For others, IVF will lead to pregnancy. Women who have succeeded in falling pregnant through IVF may experience some of the greatest joy of their lives, and relief that the process is over. The rewards of pregnancy and motherhood are often all the greater because it was so difficult to achieve.

Along with joy, it’s natural for women and their partners to feel frightened and nervous, as many first time parents do. Sometimes these feelings of apprehension and worry come as a surprise to couples who are finally able to fall pregnant through IVF. After all, they’ve finally achieved their goal – why do they have mixed feelings? They’re not alone in feeling joy and worry at the same time. It’s a natural part of the parenthood process for many people.

Women and couples undergoing the IVF process often find counselling to be an extremely helpful support during their journeys. Counsellors can be there through the whole roller coaster of emotions, sharing both the incredible moments of joy and the deep sadnesses that may accompany IVF. Counselling can also help to address some of the relationship strains that may occur through the IVF process and through the early stages of parenthood if it’s successful.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provides caring, non-judgemental and supportive counselling for women and couples going through the IVF process. If you live in Melbourne or the Greater Melbourne area please feel free to contact one of our counsellors to organise an appointment.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 300

What is disenfranchised grief?

When you’re grieving, usually other people recognise that you’ve experienced a significant loss in your life and offer support in one way or another. With disenfranchised grief, others do not acknowledge or accept your grief. It’s like having the rug pulled out from under you – not only are you struggling with grief, you’re left alone with it because other people don’t see your loss and pain as “real”. In some cases, you might not be able to tell others about your loss. You’re likely to feel even more lonely and unsupported than in other types of grief. It’s also harder to get the practical support you need like taking time off work or getting help with everyday activities like cooking and childcare.

Your loss is real and powerful whether or not other people recognise it. Disenfranchised grief is a painful and isolating burden to carry.

When does disenfranchised grief happen?

There are many types of losses that can lead to disenfranchised grief. Three of them are described here:

Death of a pet

Pets can be close confidants and long-time companions. Many people find that their relationships with their pets are some of the closest and most long lasting relationships they have.

Your pet’s death may be just as painful for you as having your child die. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that other people will recognise the severity of your grief and offer you the support you need. Other people might see your companion animal as “just a pet” rather than as a family member, even though they have felt like one of the most important parts of your life.

Loss of a secret partner

There are many reasons for people to keep their relationships hidden. You might be in a same-sex relationship and feel uncomfortable or unsafe revealing your sexuality to the people around you. You and your partner might come from very different cultural or religious backgrounds and feel unable to be open with your relationship. You might be keeping your relationship hidden because it’s an extra-marital affair.

Whatever the reason, people do often conduct relationships in secret and sometimes their secret partners pass away. Losing a partner is heart-breaking under any circumstances, and even worse if you can’t share your pain with anyone. You might have to put on a “brave face” and pretend nothing has happened when you’re really in the depths of extreme anguish and grief.

For many people, the thought of losing their partner is the worst pain imaginable. Not being able to reveal the death of your partner means you’ll have no support at all. You might be overcome with a more intense loneliness and sadness than you may have ever felt before, especially because your partner is no longer there to help. Disenfranchised grief over the loss of your partner could be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to go through.

Miscarriage

Many women develop a new sense of themselves when they become pregnant and begin to feel a sense of “oneness” with their future child. When you have a miscarriage, you might feel like you’re losing both a child and a part of yourself. Miscarriages can leave you with a dreadful sense of emptiness. You might even feel a physical “void” in your body where your child should be. Miscarriages can feel especially crushing if you have been trying for some time to fall pregnant, or have limited time left to conceive.

It’s common for women to feel ashamed or guilty about their miscarriage and keep it secret. If you do share the news of your miscarriage, you may find that other people don’t acknowledge the depth of your grief. More often than not, women experience disenfranchised grief after having a miscarriage. It makes sense that 20-50% of women experience depression in the year after miscarrying.

Disenfranchised grief is one of the most painful things we can experience as human beings. You don’t have to go through it alone. It’s especially important to seek support if you’re experiencing disenfranchised grief. Having someone you can share your experience with and who acknowledges the depth of your pain is essential for healing. Counselling can help you get the support you need.

To learn more about grief read our blog post about Common Experiences of Grief.

The team at Paul the Counsellor offers confidential, caring, non-judgemental grief counselling in the Melbourne CBD.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Do you gamble more than you’d like to? Do you find it hard to say “no” to gambling, or to walk away when you’ve had enough?

If you have a hard time controlling your gambling, you may have a gambling addiction. Gambling addictions can cause a lot of pain for both the people who experience them and for their loved ones.

You don’t need to suffer through a gambling addiction alone. Here are five resources you can use to control your gambling and get your life back on track.

1. Counselling

Counselling offers a safe space to talk about what you’re experiencing. A counsellor can provide non-judgemental and confidential support at a time when you may be feeling very alone and helpless. Overcoming an addiction isn’t an easy process; it’s important to have someone around who can give you support. Counselling is an effective way to help you get your gambling under control, start to repair your relationships, and avoid relapsing.

2. Reduce your ATM limit

Contact your bank and ask them to lower the daily withdrawal limit on your ATM card. You can safeguard your money, and you may find it easier to walk away from your gambling session when your ATM limit has run out.

3. Blocking gambling on your computer

Online gambling is a major problem for many people. It’s available 24/7, and it might feel like there’s not much you can do to avoid it short of throwing out your computer. Luckily, there’s a program available that blocks access to all gambling sites and pop-ups. There’s even a version for your mobile phone. GamBlock can be purchased from http://www.gamblock.com. Many people with gambling addictions have said it’s the best investment they’ve ever made.

4. Gamblers Anonymous

Gamblers Anonymous meetings are open to anyone who has a desire to stop gambling. It provides the opportunity for people to share their experiences and hear from others who are also struggling with gambling. Gamblers Anonymous meetings are held all over the world, including more than 20 meetings every week in the Melbourne area.

5. Gambler’s Help Line

A free and confidential 24 hour phone help line is available in Victoria: 1800 858 858.

If you or someone you care about is struggling with a gambling addiction, the team at Paul the Counsellor can provide you with supportive, confidential, and non-judgemental gambling addiction counselling in Melbourne.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Couples have conflicts. It’s a natural and healthy part of relationships. However, there are different ways of dealing with conflicts and not all of them are useful. Some responses can lead to escalation of the conflict, anger, and hurt, while others can allow you and your partner to continue enjoying your happy and loving relationship.

I’m Right and You’re Wrong

Digging in your heels and maintaining that you’re 100% right quickly leads an argument into disaster. Why is it such a problem to believe that you’re right? By taking a stubborn stance that you are definitely right, you’re sending another message to your partner: “I’m right and you’re wrong!” Insisting that you’re right is a way of blaming your partner. People are acutely sensitive to being blamed, and when blame seeps into your relationship it becomes toxic.

How Do You Avoid Blame?

If you’re frustrated or upset and feeling like your partner is completely at fault, anything you say is likely to come out sounding like you’re blaming them. Dealing with conflicts without blaming your partner requires you to shift your perspective about what’s happening.

Therapist John Robinson has come up with two effective methods for shifting your perspective and avoiding blame:

Method 1

Ask yourself three questions:

1. What’s likely to happen if I insist on being right (and blaming my partner)?

Making the case for why you’re right probably isn’t going to lead to the outcome you want (your partner isn’t likely to say, “gosh, you are right!”) Sometimes recognising that is enough to let you take a step back and try a fresh approach to the situation.

2. Would I like to feel loved or be right in this situation?

In the heat of the moment it may feel more important for you to be right. That’s okay, but it’s probably not the best time to discuss the problem with your partner. Give yourself the time and space you need to calm down and feel more open to hearing your partner’s point of view.

3. What is something I especially like about my partner?

Bringing to mind positive aspects of your partner can be incredibly useful when you’re arguing. It helps you reconnect with your warm, loving feelings, and can help both of soften your stance and work things out.

Method 2

Consider the question, “How might I have contributed to this situation?”

When you’re angry and believe that you are right and your partner is wrong, your first answer to this question might be “I didn’t – it’s their fault”. Try to come up with at least 3 ways that you might have contributed to the situation, even if they seem insignificant, unlikely, or even if you don’t fully believe them. Often you’ll find some truth in your answers and get a clearer understanding of what’s happened. Answering this question can help you see the situation from your partner’s perspective, and you may find that it helps open the lines of communication between you. You might even become closer to your partner than you were before the argument!

Couples counselling can help you find additional ways to deal with conflicts without starting the negative cycle of blame. If you are interested in attending relationship counselling in Melbourne please feel free to contact a member of the team at Paul the Counsellor.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part two of a two part series about the effects of ending a long-term relationship.

The emotional impacts of separation

Many aspects of divorce are emotionally unsettling. Separating from a long-term partner is a major life shift that involves changing routines, family roles, and in some cases employment and social environments. People lose a lot more than a relationship when they divorce.

Divorce often leads to a grieving process similar to grieving after a death. It’s common to cycle through disbelief, anger, sadness and depression. Even if the relationship was rife with difficulties, most people experience the end of their relationships as a loss; something that was significant to your life is no longer there.

For many people, ending a relationship also means the loss of a companion and a sexual partner. Companionship and sexual intimacy may have gone by the wayside long before divorcing, but when separation occurs, those losses feel more final and must be faced in a new way.

There are other important losses from divorce that are sometimes overlooked. People are forced to let go of the joint goals they had with their partners, and their hopes for what their lives would be like together. Each partner’s vision of the future gets turned on its head, leaving in its place confusion, uncertainty, sadness and fear of the unknown. Many times people also grieve over the significant amount of time and energy they’ve put into their relationships and cannot get back. Divorce also means letting go of the hope that the connection with your partner might be rekindled.

Some people cycle through the emotions associated with grief and loss quickly and recover soon after separation, while others take years to find their footing. Physical separation may not take much time, but emotional separation and leaving routines and expectations behind usually take much longer.

Divorce is often a painful process, but many positive effects can come from separation too. Often relationships have been unfulfilling for some time before couples part ways, and divorce can feel like a freeing experience. Separation sometimes allows people to break free of tense interactions. The pressure to keep trying to hold the relationship together is lifted, often offering the members of a couple some relief from stress and anxiety. People may feel less constrained and more able to “spread their wings”.

Many individuals start to rediscover themselves, including their interests, values, and what’s really important to them after separation. Often people discover that they have “put away” parts of themselves that didn’t fit well into their past relationship. One of the most positive upshots of divorce is that those hidden aspects, interests, and desires can re-emerge, allowing people to feel more whole and more truly themselves. Discovering your sense of self outside of your past relationship can be a very powerful and fulfilling experience. That self-discovery provides the foundation for developing new close and meaningful relationships.

A lot of stress and emotional turmoil comes from divorce, but it can be helpful to know that separation can also be an incredible opportunity to flourish. The future can be a hopeful one and you may find a lot of unexpected benefits.

If you’re an individual or a couple dealing with the effects of divorce, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help support you. Counselling during and after a separation can help you navigate both the distressing impacts and the positive changes that may follow after your relationship ends.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part one of a two part series about what happens in the aftermath of ending a long-term relationship.

• Part 1 focuses on the social, financial, and legal impacts of divorce.
• Part 2 will discuss the emotional effects of divorce.

When couples separate, the process usually affects both partners significantly. It can be helpful to know some of the issues that frequently crop up, and to know you’re not alone in your experience.

What happens when couples part ways?

The ending of a relationship affects everyone differently, but there are some common themes to what people experience after the breakup of a committed partnership.

Social effects

Couples who have been in a long-term relationship often have many mutual friends. They may discover that friends start to “take sides” or even shun the separating partners because of their divorce. People in the midst of a separation sometimes feel a lack of support from their friends, and in some cases even from their families.

Former partners may need to redevelop social circles and connections in their new role as single individuals. This can lead to each partner questioning their social identities and undergoing a process of redefining themselves as separate people. Although this can be a difficult process, many people find it very fulfilling. It provides the chance to rediscover or reaffirm oneself and one’s identity in a new context.

Divorce has become more socially acceptable in recent years as it has become more common. That has made it easier for many people to be open about their experiences – even if that means with a new social circle – and to reenter the world of dating if and when they choose to do so.

Financial effects

Financial burdens can be a significant source of stress for separating couples, especially in the period shortly after a breakup. Running two households is more expensive than running one. People often initially struggle to find ways to make ends meet on their own, especially if they have been living at the edge of their means.

Living on a single income may make mortgage repayments or other expenses impossible to meet. If only one partner has been working, the other may have to return to work. That could mean having to juggle childcare and employment, and child support payments might come into play for the other partner.

The allocation of finances after divorce can also cause significant tension over who gets what, and legal costs can mount quickly. That leads to some uncertainty about the future and what each person’s budget will be. Figuring out your budget and how to manage finances independently may take some time and require some major life changes.

Legal issues

For some couples, the legal aspects of separation are relatively smooth and amiable. For others, it is a protracted process. Shortly after the separation both partners tend to be very emotionally charged, and bitterness and resentment over aspects of the relationship or the separation itself may be channeled into a long legal battle. Although it is not the case for all couples, for some people legal proceedings become an ongoing source of stress. The physical separation of belongings and property, and making decisions about parenthood or pet care responsibilities may also bring sadness over the loss of the relationship to the forefront.

Social, financial and legal issues cause major impacts on divorcing couples, including emotional effects. There are also many other emotional factors, some positive and some distressing, that come into play when couples separate.

If you or someone you know has recently divorced then counselling can be of assistance. Having someone impartial and supportive to explore and make sense of what has happened can be tremendously helpful. Please feel free to contact one of the team members at Paul the Counsellor if you would like to see a counsellor.

Stay turned for part 2 of this series, which focuses on the emotional effects of divorce.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

The days are getting shorter and the weather has turned grey and gloomy. Are you getting the winter blues?

Many people’s moods are affected by the changing seasons. Winter often means less time outside, and having to face a few months of wet, cold, miserable weather. However, for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) winter feels much more sinister; it means the onset of debilitating depression and other unpleasant symptoms.

What is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a form of depression that only appears in the winter months.

Symptoms of SAD go beyond a winter “slump” and have significant and painful effects on sufferers’ lives.

People with SAD may have trouble waking up in the mornings, and feel tired and lethargic most of the time. Oversleeping and overeating are common among Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers. Many people with SAD develop strong cravings for carbohydrates throughout the winter and often gain weight.

Other symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder include difficulty concentrating or following through on tasks, social withdrawal, loss of interest in sex, and feelings of hopelessness and depression. Some people also experience nausea or morning sickness.

SAD starts to improve when spring appears and the number of daylight hours increases.

To be officially diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, all four points below must apply to you:

• Depressive episodes during the winter months (possibly starting in autumn)
• Remission of depression in spring
• Depression at least two winters in a row with no major depressive episodes in between
• The number of seasonal depressive episodes outnumber other depressive episodes throughout your lifetime.

If you have depressive episodes at other times or your symptoms don’t get better during the spring, you may be suffering from another form of depression.

Who gets SAD (and why)?

The causes of Seasonal Affective Disorder are not fully understood but there are a few factors that seem to play a part.

Lack of daylight appears to have a major role in Seasonal Affective Disorder. Our bodies respond to darkness by secreting a hormone called melatonin, which causes drowsiness and helps regulate our sleep-wake cycles. Too much melatonin could explain the lethargy that people with SAD feel. The rates of SAD are higher in places where there is a big change in the number of daylight hours from summer to winter. However, people can develop SAD anywhere – there are people with SAD all over the world.

Serotonin is another chemical in the brain that has been linked with depression and mood changes. Levels of serotonin tend drop in winter, and some researchers think that susceptible people may develop Seasonal Affective Disorder as a result.

People with a history of depression may have a higher risk of developing SAD.

Age also plays a part; most sufferers of SAD are over 20 years old.

Women are more likely to develop Seasonal Affective Disorder than men, but men’s symptoms tend to be more extreme.

What are the treatments for Seasonal Affective Disorder?

There are several available treatment options that can help alleviate the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Light therapy is one of the most widely used treatments for SAD It involves sitting in front of a full-spectrum light source for 20-60 minutes per day. Light therapy has been shown to decrease melatonin levels and increase serotonin levels. Many people start to show improvement within the first week of use, and after several weeks most people feel a significant improvement in their symptoms. Getting daylight exposure as early in the day as possible can also help with the symptoms of SAD.

Antidepressants can also be effective in treating Seasonal Affective Disorder, although they often take longer to begin working than light therapy.

Self-care such as exercising, drinking only moderate amounts of alcohol, and keeping regular sleeping and eating patterns can  be helpful. However, those habits can be very difficult for sufferers of SAD to maintain.

Psychotherapy has also been shown to be effective in helping alleviate the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. The support that counselling provides can make a huge difference in helping people get through the tough winter months. Psychotherapy can be used as the sole form of treatment, or it can be undertaken alongside light therapy or antidepressants to give you the best chance of finding relief from SAD symptoms.

If you or someone you know is suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. You need not suffer through the symptoms of SAD on your own.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

In recent years, we have heard a great deal about the severe and long-lasting impact that painful and traumatic events can cause on the people who suffer and experience them. Feelings of emotional trauma can occur after experiencing the horrors of war, a physical or sexual assault, car accidents, natural catastrophes, man-made disasters or the sudden death of a loved one, just to name a few.

From exposure to such events and experiences, the people who go through them can feel a number of emotional reactions from feelings of fear and helplessness, to feelings of powerlessness, to shock and devastation. These feelings and memories of this event can have traumatic effects on the individual that can last a lifetime and can cause severe disruptions on the person’s life. These can have a serious effect on their work, friendships and relationships.

The experience of traumatic events can cause what is known as post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Sufferers of this debilitating condition tend to have difficulty sleeping and commonly experience recurring and disturbing dreams and nightmares of the event, which can cause them to relive the painful emotions that occurred during the event. Statistics indicate that 32% of rape victims, 15-20% of people  in severe car accidents and anywhere from 9-97% of combat veterans (depending on the nature of their service) will develop PTSD.

People with PTSD have memories of the event that arise very suddenly and find themselves’ reliving the event or experiencing the intense emotions connected to the event. This can lead to feelings of being out of control, being easily startled by images and sounds that, in the past, had no effect on them at all. The intrusiveness of these memories and emotions can lead to feelings of being unable to cope with everyday life.

Sufferers of PTSD also have a tendency to avoid anything that reminds them of the emotions experienced and other factors that are associated with the event. They are sometimes unable to remember the event in its entirety and only certain aspects of the event are retained in memory.

Studies have shown that men and women can have different reactions to trauma and post-traumatic responses. Men are more likely to express PTSD in the forms of irritability, anger, and violent outbursts and have problems with alcohol and illicit drugs. Women tend to exhibit depression and higher level of anxiety, which can develop into phobias or other difficulties.

Treatment

Although facing the event or events that has caused someone to develop PTSD is a difficult prospect, the journey to recovery begins with talking about and sharing your experience at a pace and in a way that feels the most safe and comfortable to you. Counselling can provide you with the support, safety and confidence you need to come to terms with your experience and help you to on your road to recovery.

Paul Reid has a special interest in PTSD. If you or someone you might know is suffering from this condition, feel free to contact him or any of the team at Paul the Counsellor for supportive and non-judgmental counselling in Melbourne.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

There are over 500 million porn sites on the web, and lots of people access it at least every now and then. So how do you know if you’re an average internet porn user or if you have an addiction?

When does it become an addiction?

Do you feel unable to control how much you’re viewing porn on the web? How often you’re looking at porn isn’t as important as how it’s affecting you. Feeling out of control points to an addiction. If viewing internet pornography is having a negative impact on your work or your social life but you keep doing it, then you probably have an addiction.

Matthew is a perfect example of someone with an internet porn addiction. Matthew was a successful accountant working for a large firm. Like many people, he looked at porn on the web every now and then. He enjoyed it and found that it helped him relax so he started doing it every night. Then he started looking at porn on his breaks at work. Before long, half of Matthew’s work day was taken up by browsing the web for porn. His boss noticed that his work wasn’t getting done, and his clients were getting angry waiting for overdue projects to be finished. Matthew’s reputation and his job were at stake. He knew he had to focus on his work, but every time he turned on his computer he found himself on a porn site! When he got home, he wasn’t interested in having sex with his wife. All he could think about was getting back to his computer. Matthew had become addicted to internet pornography.
*Matthew is a fictional character

Like Matthew, people with internet porn addictions usually start by looking at porn occasionally and then more and more frequently until it becomes out of their control. For some people that happens quickly, for other people it’s more gradual. People who are addicted to internet porn often start feeling ashamed, depressed, and anxious or have low self-esteem because of their porn use.

Consequences

As Matthew’s story shows, having an addiction to internet pornography can hurt both your work life and your home life. You might be spending so much time looking at porn that your work doesn’t get done. Your relationships could become strained too. People with internet porn addictions often spend less time with their partners because they’re busy looking at porn, and may lose interest in sex altogether. Many people find that their social lives also suffer because they skip going out with friends so they can surf the web for porn.

Treatment

The first step to recovering from an internet pornography addiction is acknowledging that you have an addiction. It’s essential to seek out help and talk to someone about your struggle. Counselling can provide you with the support you need to help understand your addiction, regain control of your life, and work on repairing the relationships that have been damaged because of your addiction.

Our counsellors can give you support and encouragement to overcome your addiction to internet pornography in a confidential and non-judgemental environment. If you live in Melbourne and would like to undertake counselling please contact the team at Paul the Counsellor.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

There are many types of roles in families, some of which affect us more than others. “Primary roles” are a broad overview of how you fit into your family, such as the “breadwinner” or the stay-at-home parent. “Secondary roles” are based on more specific tasks, and define roles like the family cook, handyman, and gardener.

“Systemic roles” are the family roles that we take on when we’re children, and they tend to stay with us. Many people still live in their systemic roles long after they’ve grown up and left home. Our family members place us in particular systemic roles from the time we’re young children without consciously realising that they’ve done so. Those roles have a strong influence on the way our personalities develop, and many people even start feeling like their systemic role is their personality (or a big part of it).

The five most common systemic roles

There are five main systemic roles that tend to appear in families. Not every family will have all five, and sometimes one person can take on more than one role.

• The Caretaker

As the name suggests, the caretaker takes care of the rest of the family, both emotionally and physically. When they’re old enough, they may manage many of the practical matters of keeping the family cared for, such as preparing food, making sure the children are bathed, doing the laundry, and taking care of sick family members. Caretakers often take on too much responsibility and other family members become dependent on them. They put their own needs last, sometimes becoming emotionally and physically unwell because they’re using all their energy looking after other people.

• The Hero

The hero is the “spokesperson”, or the public face, for the family. Heros receive a lot of praise from their involvement in activities with their schools, churches, sports clubs, or other community organisations. They’re “over-achievers” and attempt to be “perfect” in everything they do. Heros neglect their own needs and do whatever they can to please others. If they’re not viewed as perfect, they may feel guilty and their self-esteem is likely to plummet. Heros often develop stress-related problems.

• The Scapegoat

Scapegoats are often known as the “black sheep”. They act out and defiantly disobey the rules. Scapegoats are highly visible, so all the attention turns to them while the family’s other problems are pushed into the background. Scapegoats usually end up accepting the blame for everything that goes wrong in a family. They often have low self-esteem and have self-defeating thoughts and behaviours. Many scapegoats develop compulsions or substance abuse issues.

• The Lost Child

When family problems arise, the lost children shut down emotionally and retreat into their own internal world. Lost children tend to avoid conflict as much as possible and express their emotions only minimally. They’re usually very obedient and well mannered, and almost always do what’s expected of them regardless of how they feel about it. Lost children have trouble coping with stressful situations and conflict. They often have low self-esteem and may not get a great deal of enjoyment out of life.

• The Mascot

Mascots are the clowns of the family, using humour and stunts to defuse stress or distract family members from uncomfortable situations. They tend to cover up their emotions, even in serious circumstances, with humour and jokes. Mascots want to be the centre of attention. They feel the need to calm and pacify others. In using their energy to distract other people from their problems, mascots tend not to deal with their own issues or needs.

Which roles did you play in your family? Are you still in those roles?

Counselling and psychotherapy can help you take a closer look at your systemic roles and how they may still be affecting you today. If you live in Melbourne and would like to undertake counselling please contact the team at Paul the Counsellor.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Four warning signs that your relationship is headed for the end

Renowned couples’ therapist John Gottman has discovered four relationship attitudes and behaviours that almost always lead to breakups. He has named them the “Four Horsemen” because they’re so toxic to relationships. The Four Horsemen can show up from time to time in any relationships. When the Horsemen make frequent appearances, it’s a warning sign that the end of your relationship is coming unless you make some changes.

Horseman #1: Criticism

Criticism is a wide-scale negative statement about your partner as a person. Criticism is different from a complaint, which is about a specific behaviour.

Complaint: “Why didn’t you buy groceries today like you promised to? There’s no food in the house!”

Criticism: “I can’t believe you didn’t buy groceries. You never do anything you say you will. You’re so lazy and self-absorbed.”

Horseman #2: Contempt

Contempt conveys disgust for your partner. It can take many forms, including sarcasm, mockery, hostile humour, and body language like eye-rolling and sneering.

Anne came home hours later than she had promised.

Gerald: “You’re late again. Where were you? I spent a lot of time cooking for us but our dinner is ruined now”

Anne: *rolls her eyes and says with a smirk* “Geez, what is this, the Spanish Inquisition? I didn’t know I had a curfew”

Anne is showing contempt for Gerald.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a knee-jerk response to a criticism or complaint. It’s is a way of blaming your partner and saying “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”. When you’re defensive, you’re probably not hearing much of what your partner is saying. Defensiveness has many forms, including making excuses, denying responsibility or shifting blame back onto the other person and responding to one complaint with another.

Celia: “You never pick up after yourself. The house is a mess.”

Mary: “I work hard, I don’t have time to clean up. It’s not like you’re some great housekeeper yourself.”

Mary is showing defensiveness.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the last Horseman to enter a relationship. It usually comes after a lot of negativity has built up and the first three Horsemen are entrenched in your relationship.

Stonewalling is an extreme way of ignoring your partner. The partner doing the stonewalling doesn’t acknowledge anything their partner is saying, not even with a “yeah” or a nod. The stonewaller acts as if their partner isn’t even in the room and may walk off. By the time stonewalling is taking place, your relationship needs help, and fast!

Janet: “You were so embarrassing at the dinner party last night! I can’t believe you drank so much.”

Steve: *stares at the ceiling, doesn’t say a word*

Janet: “Hello, are you listening to me?”

Steve: *leaves the room*

Steve is stonewalling Janet.

What do I do if the Four Horsemen are stampeding through my relationship?

Once the Four Horseman have arrived, it’s hard to keep them from rearing their ugly heads. It’s difficult, but not impossible. You can change the way you and your partner interact and keep the Four Horsemen at bay. The sooner you make changes, the better chance you have at rebuilding a happy, loving relationship.

Relationship counselling can help you work through relationship issues and find ways to deal with conflicts without having to resort to the Four Horsemen. When the Four Horsemen have become a big part of a relationship, couples often need some outside help to set things right again. The team at Paul the Counsellor uses a blend of several relationship counselling approaches when working with couples, including John Gottman’s model.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 4 of a 4 part series about eating disorders.

What is binge eating disorder (BED)?

People with binge easting disorder, or BED, compulsively eat large quantities of food. Binge eating disorder is very similar to bulimia. The difference is that people with BED do not try to “compensate” for the excessive amounts of food they’ve eaten through purging or other means.

People with binge eating disorder feel out of control with their eating and frequently eat far more than they need to satisfy their hunger, even to the point of feeling nauseous or becoming ill. In some cases, people with binge eating disorder eat to make themselves feel better when they’re suffering emotionally.

Like people suffering from anorexia and bulimia, people with BED are often very concerned with their body shape and weight. People whose bodies are frequently on display, such as swimmers, gymnasts, and other competitive athletes, seem to be at a higher risk for developing BED.

What happens when you have binge eating disorder?

People with binge eating disorder find themselves eating much more food than most people would in the same situation. They feel like they’ve lost the ability to regulate what or how much they’re eating and their eating habits become incredibly distressing to them. Binges often become a source of shame and anguish for people with BED.

Most people with binge eating disorder have also tried dieting, either before or after their bingeing started. Many people with BED join weight-control programs. About half of people with BED have also experienced depression at some point in their lives.

A small percentage of people with binge eating disorder maintain a healthy weight, but BED usually leads to significant weight gain and the medical complications that go along with being overweight or obese. Those complications include things like type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gallbladder disease, heart disease, and certain types of cancer.

People with binge eating disorder usually binge on unhealthy foods, putting them at risk of poor nutrition.

How binge eating disorder is diagnosed?

Are these signs true for you or someone you care about?

Binge eating disorder isn’t as clearly defined as anorexia or bulimia. The manual that medical professionals use to diagnose other eating disorders (the DSM-IV) doesn’t list binge eating disorder specifically. The manual includes a general category called “Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified”, which is used for people who have an unhealthy relationship with food that’s negatively affecting their lives, but who don’t fit the strict criteria for either anorexia or bulimia. At the moment, people with binge eating disorder are said to have an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

Binge eating disorder seems to be more common than both anorexia and bulimia. BED has its own unique signs and symptoms, and there has been a push to list binge eating disorder separately from other general eating disorders in the next edition of the manual.

The signs of binge eating disorder: You feel like you’ve lost control over your eating and you do at least 3 of the following, twice or more per week for six months or more:

1. Eating alone because you’re embarrassed about how much you’re eating.
2. Eating much more rapidly than normal.
3. Eating large amounts even when you’re not hungry.
4. Eating until you’re uncomfortably full or nauseous.
5. Have feelings of disgust, guilt or depression about overeating.

If you miss social events, work, or school because of binge eating episodes, it’s very likely that you have binge eating disorder. Extremely rapid weight gain can also be a sign of BED.

Recovery

Binge eating disorder seems to have different underlying causes than general obesity. People with BED usually require additional support and treatment above and beyond the help found in weight-control programs. Without extra support, people with BED tend to regain all (or more) of the weight they’ve lost.

Counselling can help provide the emotional and psychological support necessary to heal from binge eating disorder and regain control over eating. Counselling is especially important to help with the feelings of shame and depression that usually accompany binge eating. People with binge eating disorder seem to have the best chance at recovery when they use weight-control programs and counselling together.

The team at Paul the Counsellor works sensitively and supportively with people who have eating disorders to aid them in their recovery. If  you think you have an eating disorder and live in Melbourne and would like counselling please contact us for assistance.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 3 of a 4 part series about eating disorders.

What is bulimia?

Bulimia involves going on massive eating binges and compensating for the binges to avoid gaining weight. People with bulimia feel completely out of control during their binges and feel ashamed of their eating behaviour and lack of self-discipline around food.

There are two types of bulimia: purging and non-purging. People with the purging type “get rid” of (purge) the food they’ve eaten by forcing themselves to vomit or by using things like laxatives, diuretics, or enemas. In the non-purging type of bulimia, people fast or exercise excessively to make up for their binges. Most people with bulimia have the purging type.

People with bulimia usually think their success or popularity depends on being a certain weight and shape and struggle to achieve their image of the ideal body. Many people with bulimia suffered from anorexia first.

What happens when you have bulimia?

People with bulimia usually stay within 10% of their healthy weight, making it harder to recognise than anorexia at first glance. It’s common for people with bulimia to hide their disorder for 8-10 years before they tell others about their struggle or seek out help. The binging and compensating behaviours take a serious toll both emotionally and physically, especially when it goes on for so long.

Bulimia and anxiety disorders often go hand-in-hand. About 80% of people with bulimia have had an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. Depression is also common, affecting more than half of people with bulimia. Many bulimia sufferers have attempted suicide one or more times. Substance abuse issues are also common among people with bulimia.

People with bulimia who vomit frequently develop several other medical issues. Their faces may start to look swollen, and their stomach acid quickly wears down their tooth enamel, leading to major dental problems. Bodily fluids known as electrolytes also become imbalanced by repeated vomiting. That delicate balance of electrolytes is crucial to good health. If an electrolyte imbalance goes untreated, it can lead to life-threatening medical problems, including irregular or disrupted heartbeats, seizures, and kidney failure. Luckily, as soon as someone with bulimia returns to healthy eating habits their electrolyte balance returns to normal. For people with bulimia who frequently put their fingers down their throats to start vomiting, they can also develop hard callouses on the backs of their fingers where their fingers have scraped against their teeth.

People with bulimia who use laxatives to compensate for the food they’ve eaten can develop severe constipation or even permanent colon damage.

How bulimia is diagnosed?

Are these signs true for you or someone you care about?

1. Recurring episodes of binge eating. Episodes of binge eating include two things:
2. Eating a lot more food in a certain period of time than most people would in the same situation.
3. Feeling like you’ve lost control over eating during the episode (feeling like you can’t stop eating, or you can’t control what or how much you’re eating)
4. Repeatedly using inappropriate behaviour to make up for the food you’ve eaten in order to keep yourself from gaining weight (vomiting; using laxatives, diuretics, or other medications; fasting; or exercising excessively).
5. Binge eating and the behaviours to make up for it both happen at least twice a week (on average) for three months or more.
6. You self-evaluation is very influenced by your body shape and weight.
7. The behaviours don’t happen only during episodes of anorexia.

Recovery

People with bulimia tend to seek out treatment on their own much more than people with anorexia. The great news is that treatment for bulimia can make a huge difference to people’s lives. 70% of people who have had treatment for bulimia say that they’ve improved significantly.

As with other eating disorders, recovery from bulimia usually includes both medical treatment and counselling support. Recovery is difficult. Having the support of a caring counsellor can provide a lot of help with the emotional and psychological hurdles, including the depression and anxiety that often accompanies bulimia.

The team at Paul the Counsellor works sensitively and supportively with people who have eating disorders to aid them in their recovery. If  you think you have an eating disorder and live in Melbourne and would like counselling please contact us for assistance.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

TV, newspapers, and YouTube have been taken over by stories about Charlie Sheen’s erratic behaviour. It seems that we can’t get enough of his incomprehensible rants and irrational proclamations. Just when it looks like Charlie’s falling out of the spotlight, he does something even more bizarre and dominates the public eye again.

So what is wrong with Charlie Sheen? He’s been accused of being an alcoholic and a drug addict, and he’s been described repeatedly as, “wild”, “out of control”, or simply “crazy”. The bottom line: Charlie Sheen is suffering from a severe episode of mental illness. Sadly, even with all the media coverage and curiosity surrounding him, he seems to be receiving little of the support or treatment he needs.

Charlie Sheen fits the criteria of bipolar disorder to a tee:

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that causes people to swing between energised, elevated mood states (“mania”) and episodes of depression. Some people shift from one to the other very rapidly, while others might spend months in either a manic or a depressive state.

The symptoms of bipolar disorder usually start in late adolescence or young adulthood. It can be hard to diagnose, and often gets mistaken for depression. Many people experience several episodes of depression before they ever have manic states, and people in manic state rarely think anything is wrong so they don’t seek out help. About 60% of people with bipolar disorder also have a drug or alcohol addiction, which tend to be diagnosed while their bipolar is overlooked. Although it’s not know exactly what causes the disorder, both genetic factors and life events seem to play a role.

Bipolar disorder has increasingly been linked to creativity, and many successful people within the creative arts fields have suffered from bipolar.

Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder

So what does this have to do with Charlie Sheen?  Check out the symptoms of mania – for anyone who’s watched recent videos of Charlie Sheen, they’ll sound very familiar.

• Grandiose thinking: Increased self-confidence and an extremely high view of one’s own importance (one may even start to view themselves as God-like).
• Decreased need for sleep: Someone in a manic state may seem bursting with energy and need very little sleep (3-4 hours per night, or even going days without any sleep), but may still become exhausted.
• “Pressured speech”: Speaking rapidly and forcefully, as if they can’t get their words out fast enough.
• Increased activity level: Constant activity. Often people with mania find it very hard to sit still for even short periods and are always “on the go”.
• Flight of ideas: Ideas don’t follow a common thread. This can be seen by a continuous flow of speech that jumps between topics, seems disorganised and hard to follow, and uses puns or other forms of wordplay.
• Distractibility: Finding it hard to stay on one task or topic.
• Impulsive behaviour: Acting without thinking, often including spending huge amounts of money or getting into car accidents.
• Increased sexuality: Increase in libido, number of sexual partners, or expression of sexuality. People experiencing mania may start having affairs.
• Religiosity: New or increased belief in God, religion, or spirituality.
• Elation or irritability: People in a manic state may be either “on top of the world” or extremely irritable.

It’s important to note the depression side of bipolar disorder, which we may soon see Charlie experiencing. The symptoms of depression are as follows:

• Sadness, a feeling of emptiness or tearfulness
• Lost of interest or pleasure in most activities
• Significant weight loss or gain or changes in appetite
• Insomnia or sleeping much more than usual
• Physical agitation or heaviness
• Tiredness or fatigue almost every day
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
• Difficulty thinking or concentrating
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

People with bipolar disorder may also experience psychosis or hallucinations during either mania or depression.

Charlie Sheen: A Closer Look

All the available information indicates that Charlie Sheen is in a manic phase of bipolar disorder.

• Charlie has displayed grandiose thinking in many interviews, making statements like, “News flash: I am special, and I will never be one of you”, and “I’m at the dead epicentre of every single moment”. He also claims that he has “a 10,000 year old brain” and that he has special powers.
• Charlie is bursting with energy and seems unable to sit still. In his most recent vlogs he looks as if he’s barely slept, but still has extremely high energy levels.
• Charlie Sheen has shown extremely pressured speech in several videos, speaking “a million miles an hour”
• Charlie can barely start one topic before he jumps to the next one, often with little obvious connection between the subjects.
• Charlie’s ideas are fantastical, saying things such as “I’ve been riding on a mercury surfboard” and “can’t we just be in a pink cloud all our lives, and just be super bitchin’ and be focused like cross-rays into the universe?”.  At times he has “spoken” for several minutes using garbled sounds instead of words.
• He’s been impulsive and hyperactive on Jimmy Fallon’s show, Charlie Sheen appeared unannounced, grabbed a guest musician’s LP from Jimmy’s desk, autographed it, and handed it to a random audience member. Running back to the main stage, he took hold of Jimmy’s face and kissed him.
• Charlie Sheen has recently shown moments of absolute elation as well as extreme irritability.

Drugs can cause altered mood states, but Charlie has claimed to have stopped his substance abuse, and drug tests confirm that. Drugs can’t be the explanation when he’s no longer using them. Mania is the much more likely explanation for Charlie Sheen’s recent behaviour.

Like many people in a manic state, Charlie Sheen doesn’t think is suffering from a mental illness. From his perspective, he couldn’t be better. Unfortunately, like anyone with untreated mania, Charlie Sheen is likely to crash into depression and may seriously damage his career, his personal relationships, and his finances in the meantime.

Treatment: Getting help

Bipolar disorder can cause a lot of suffering, both to people with the disorder and the people around them. Thankfully, treatment is available.

Seeking help is essential to managing bipolar disorder. When bipolar disorder goes untreated, each episode of mania or depression can be worse than the last. The earlier treatment is sought, the better the outcome.

The best treatment for bipolar disorder is a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Many people with bipolar disorder who could not maintain employment or have a fulfilling social life without treatment find that they are able to do so with the right combination of medication and counselling.

The team at Paul the Counsellor can provide supportive and non-judgmental counselling to people experiencing bipolar disorder in Melbourne.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 2 of a 4 part series about eating disorders.

What is anorexia?

People with anorexia nervosa have an intense fear of becoming obese. They’re constantly driven by the desire to lose weight.

The key feature of anorexia is eating as little as possible. Compulsive exercise often goes along with anorexia to cause even more weight loss. People with anorexia are never satisfied with their weight, and panic if they do not lose weight from one day to the next.

There are two types of anorexia nervosa: the restricting type, where people limit their food to very small amounts; and the binge-eating-purging type, where people compulsively binge on small amounts of food, and then vomit or use laxatives to get rid of it. The binge-eating-purging type might sound like bulimia, but it’s not the same thing; the binge-eating-purging type of anorexia involves binging on only tiny quantities of food.

Anorexia is typified by a very strictly controlled diet, and often the self-control and regimented diets are a source of pride for people with the disorder. Some people suffering from anorexia become obsessed with food and cooking, and may even begin cooking for other people while refusing to eat the food themselves as an extra show of self-control.

What happens when you have anorexia?

People with both types of anorexia lose an extreme amount of weight. They start to look like the unhealthy, extremely thin image that’s usually associated with eating disorders. People with anorexia often have a skewed image of their bodies, known as “body dysmorphia”, and either continue to see themselves as overweight or do not recognise how thin they’ve become.

Anorexia causes a number of serious physical problems. When the body doesn’t get enough food, it literally starts eating itself, causing damage to organs including the brain and the heart. People with anorexia get dry skin, brittle hair and nails, and feel cold all the time. Their hair on their head may fall out, and they might start growing a thin layer of “peach fuzz” on their arms, legs and cheeks. People with anorexia also have dangerously low blood pressure and heart rate. Their bones become thin and brittle through lack of nutrients, and they often develop osteopenia or osteoporosis. Women with anorexia usually stop getting their periods.

People with anorexia are literally starving to death. Anorexia causes serious damage to the body, which may be permanent if the anorexia is long-term. Untreated anorexia is usually fatal.

How is anorexia diagnosed?

Are these true for you or someone you care about?

1. You refuse to maintain at least the minimum normal body weight for your age and height (your body weight is less than 85% of what’s expected).
2. You have an intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though you’re underweight.
3. Your experience of your body weight or shape is skewed. Your body weight or shape has a major influence on your self-esteem and self-evaluation, or you deny the seriousness of your current low body weight.
4. For females after the age of puberty, your period disappears (know as “amenorrhea”) for at least three consecutive menstrual cycles. (Periods may continue to be present if given a hormone such as oestrogen; birth control pills, for instance, may mean that periods remain).

Frighteningly, anorexia nervosa is the most deadly of any psychological disorder, including depression. Some of these deaths are due to the physical effects of starvation, while up to half the deaths are suicides. People with anorexia rarely seek out treatment on their own and are likely to need encouragement or an intervention from someone who recognises the signs of their disorder.

Getting proper treatment is essential to recovering from anorexia. That usually includes at least two components: medical treatment for the physical problems that have developed as a result of anorexia, and counselling to work through the issues that may have led to the eating disorder. Recovery is difficult, and counselling can help with the emotional and psychological difficulties involved. Eating disorders are traumatic to those who have had them, and counselling is an essential support for emotional recovery from the experience.

If you would like to learn more about anorexia nervosa I suggest reading Demystifying Anorexia Nervosa: An Optimistic Guide to Understanding and Healing by Dr Alexander Lucas. This informative book is useful for people suffering from anorexia and for friends and family members looking for insight into what it’s like to live with anorexia.

If  you think you have an eating disorder and live in Melbourne the team at Paul the Counsellor can be of assistance. You will be in control of your care and we will be able to offer you the support you need. We can also work with you individually or as part of a team of carers such as nutritionists and medical practitioners.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 1 of a 4 part series about eating disorders.
The next three parts take an in-depth look at anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder.

There are a lot of myths out there about eating disorders.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Some people with eating disorders look skinny and unwell, while others are a healthy weight or even overweight.

Teenage girls aren’t the only ones with eating disorders, either. It’s being recognised more and more that people from all walks of life can be sufferers. There’s recently been a spike in the number of men and adult women who are developing eating disorders (click here for an interesting article about it in the New York Times).

In a culture that celebrates “perfect” bodies, thinness, and weight loss, dieting and body image obsession is common. If a person with an eating disorder shows some signs that they have an unhealthy relationship with food, it may seem like “normal” behaviour and get missed.

On top of that, sufferers are usually masters at hiding the signs. They keep their unusual food behaviours hidden. Many times, even people with eating disorders don’t recognise the red flags and seek out counselling or medical help for quite some time.

Eating disorders are not a choice, and are not about vanity. People very quickly lose the ability to stop their self-destructive behaviours. Eating disorders usually develop when difficult issues are unfolding in someone’s life. The behaviours that go along with them may be a way to try to gain a sense of control in an out-of-control world or fill an emotional void. Sufferers might be striving to be “perfect” or struggling to be accepted. The reasons are numerous, but ultimately eating disorders aren’t really about food.

So what does an eating disorder look like? How do you know if you or your loved ones have an eating disorder?

The next three posts will take an in-depth look at anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorder to help you answer those questions.

If  you think you have an eating disorder the team at Paul the Counsellor can be of assistance. You will be in control of your care and we will be able to offer you the support you need. We can also work with you individually or as part of a team of carers such as nutritionists and medical practitioners.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 3 of a 3 part series to help couples understand and recover from infidelity.

There are a lot of myths floating around about infidelity. Here we discuss seven myths that American couples’ therapists Frank Pittman and Tina Wagers hear over and over again from the individuals and couples they work with.

Myth 1: Everybody is unfaithful; it is normal, expected behaviour.

Affairs are everywhere in the media, and sometimes it feels like everyone cheats on their partners. Sensational reports come out about about the high percentage of people having affairs. The truth is that for most people an affair is a slip up, not “run of the mill” behaviour in a relationship. Most people say they believe strongly in being faithful. Infidelity isn’t a typical part of a relationship – it’s a symptom of another problem.

Myth 2: Affairs are good for you, and may even revive a dull marriage.

Affairs are painful and damaging to relationships, especially if the relationship isn’t doing so well before the affair. It takes a long time to recover and rebuild trust after a betrayal. There are effective ways to spice up your sex life or reinvigorate your relationship, but affairs aren’t one of them. Infidelity is much more likely to destroy a relationship than it is to save it.

Myth 3: The person who had the affair must not love their partner; the affair proves it.

There are lots of things that may lead to an affair; it’s rarely straightforward and simple. In most cases there’s a wide range of emotions and factors involved. Sometimes affairs do happen in strong, loving relationships. It’s not uncommon for the unfaithful person to be deeply in love with their partner.

Myth 4: The person the affair was with must be “sexier” than the unfaithful person’s partner.

Sex isn’t really the driving force behind most affairs. There are other issues at play;  the “sexiness” of the person on the other side of the affair isn’t what it’s all about. The unfaithful partner may find their partner as attractive or more attractive than the person they had the affair with.

Myth 5: The affair is the fault of the betrayed partner, proof that they failed in some way that made the affair necessary.

No-one can make someone else have an affair. There may be relationship issues that lead to infidelity, but the choice to be unfaithful is a solo decision. The responsibility for having an affair sits with the person who had the affair.

Myth 6: The best approach to the discovery of a partner’s affair is to pretend not to know and thereby avoid a crisis.

It’s tempting to avoid conflict. Facing an affair can be frightening and painful, but the alternatives are probably even worse. Secrecy fuels affairs and pushes couples apart. Pretending not to know leaves your relationship in a state of crisis. Problems can’t be solved if they’re not out in the open. You might stay together, but not happily.

Myth 7: If an affair occurs, the marriage must end in a divorce.

Many relationships end after an affair, but not all. Divorce isn’t an inevitable consequence (see previous post, Can We Recover From an Affair?). Some relationships come out the other side strong, thriving and happy. It takes a lot of hard work, but some relationships can survive infidelity. You may even become closer as you learn more about yourselves and your relationship.

Dealing with infidelity is tough, especially with all these myths being repeated. Marriage counselling can help you sort through the impacts of an affair and pick up the pieces.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provide relationship counselling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with us please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 2 of a 3 part series to help couples understand and recover from infidelity.

Infidelity is a big issue for relationships.  It’s the most common reason for marriages ending, and couples who have experienced an affair are twice as likely to get a divorce.

So is it possible to recover from an affair?

It can be done. Some couples are able to weather the storm together and come out happily on the other side. Whether you’ll be one of those couples depends on your relationship and how you deal with the infidelity.

Some ways to figure out if your relationship can recover:

• How long have you been together?

Partners who have been together longer usually have a better shot at healing after an infidelity.

• How committed are you?

The more both partners are committed to the relationship, the more likely that your relationship can bounce back after an affair. Committing to doing the hard work needed to save the relationship is just as important. This includes the hard work that’s required in undertaking couples therapy.

• How was the marriage before the affair?

Were you both of satisfied with your relationship? Did you feel close? More often than not, affairs happen as a consequence of fundamental difficulties in the relationship. The stronger your relationship was before the affair, the higher your chance of recovery.

• Was it predominately sexual?

It’s usually easier to move on from an affair if it was predominately sexual in nature. If there was also a strong emotional connection, the affair can feel much more traumatic to the unfaithful person’s partner.

• Is the partner who had the affair remorseful?

Showing genuine remorse is essential to saving the relationship. If the person who had the affair isn’t too fussed about having hurt their partner, the future of the relationship is pretty grim.

• Is the affair over?

If the affair is still happening, it’s very hard to rebuild your relationship. In some cases, keeping in contact with the person after the affair can be almost as troubling.

• Are you able to discuss the affair and what led to it?

If you can talk about what happened and what led to the infidelity, it’s a good sign that you’re on the road to recovery. When the partner who had the affair is willing to answer questions about what happened, the other will be able to heal, trust, and forgive more quickly. Both of you can gain a better understanding of yourselves, your partner, and you relationship. You’ll also have a better chance of avoiding getting stuck in the same issues that led to the affair in the first place.

Recovering from an affair is hard work and it’s tricky to navigate alone. Relationship counselling can give you the support you need to work through those issues. Counselling gives you the best chance of healing after an affair and saving your relationship.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provide couples counselling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with us please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is part 1 of a 3 part series to help couples understand and recover from infidelity.

Forgiving your partner is an essential part of healing after an infidelity, but it isn’t an easy task. Betrayal hurts! Forgiveness can take a long time.

When people work toward forgiveness, they usually go through three stages: Impact, Definition, and Moving On. When you do all three stages, you can move from pain and betrayal to healing and forgiveness.

Dr Kristina Gordon and Dr Donald Baucom have written about the things that people think, feel, and do during each of the three stages.

Stage 1: Impact

Thinking
How could this happen?

Your world has been turned upside-down and you can’t be sure of anything. You don’t know what to think, believe, or expect. After all, if it happened once, it could happen again.

Is your partner sorry for betraying you? Do they know how much they hurt you?

Feeling
You’re in a state of shock and confusion.

You’re being thrown back and forth between feeling intense emotions and feeling totally numb. Your emotions are so strong that you can’t contain them – you’re caught in a whirlwind of pain, anger, depression, guilt and shame. It’s emotional chaos, and it’s taking over your life.

Doing
You’re obsessed with the affair and trying to understand what happened. You start questioning your partner about every detail. You want answers and you’ll keep asking until you find out!

You may want to punish your partner for what they’ve done – you want to even the score. Suddenly you may be doing spiteful, angry things.

Stage 2: Definition

Thinking
You want to define what happened and why. You really start thinking about all the things that may have led to the affair. You may even recognise some of your behaviours that could have played a part.

As you see some of the recurring problems in your relationship and think about what may have caused them, you also start to learn the “danger signals” that show up when your relationship is in rocky territory. Once you know where the pitfalls are, relationship problems won’t take you by surprise in the future.

Feeling
You’re gaining control over your emotions again. You’re probably letting your guard down a little bit and you might even start to feel some understanding or compassion for your partner.

That doesn’t mean you’re not still angry or feeling ashamed of what happened. The good news is that the feelings are getting less intense and they’re getting more manageable all the time.

Doing
You want to feel stop feeling like a victim, and you do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Different people go about it in different ways. You might:

• become controlling to keep your partner from betraying you again
• lash out
• withdraw so you can’t be hurt again
• try to prove you’re a “good” partner – do extra chores or make yourself look as sexy as possible

or several of these things at once.

Stage 3: Moving On

Thinking
You’re not thinking about the affair all the time anymore. What a relief! You have a clearer picture of what led to the affair and you’re becoming more ready to forgive your partner.

Now that you’re in a better place, you can consider whether you want to stay in the relationship in a more reasonable way than you could before.

Feeling
You have a lot less anger and a lot more compassion. You may feel some warmth for your partner again.

Sometimes things will come up that make all the emotions of the betrayal rush back to you, but it’s less often than before and a lot easier to handle. You’re no longer ruled by the strong emotions that the affair caused.

Doing
You stop trying to punish your partner. You don’t need to retaliate anymore. You might have some negative reactions or outbursts from time to time, but it’s manageable.

More importantly, you’re starting to move on with your life instead of being ruled by the affair.

After the Affair

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean that the relationship will last. It does mean you’ve healed enough that the affair doesn’t take over your thoughts and feelings. You’ll always have the memory of being betrayed, but forgiveness allows you to stop carrying around those negative feelings and suspicions into other friendships or relationships.

Relationship counselling can help you and your partner figure out what happened, why it happened, and how to move on after an affair.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provide couples counselling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with us please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is the third in a series of books we will be describing that can help strengthen your relationship with your partner. This review contains information that you can start using immediately to have a more passionate and intimate relationship.

The Book:

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
By David Schnarch, Ph.D.

About the Book:

Passionate Marriage was originally published in 1997 and quickly grew in popularity. Far from being a passing trend, the high demand for Passionate Marriage led to its re-release in 2009 with a new forward and key concepts guide. Passionate Marriage was one of only five books nominated from 300 entries for the “Books for a Better Life” award, which recognises “books that have changed the lives of millions”.

David Schnarch takes a unique approach to improving the sexual connection and intimacy in committed relationships. Rather than using a set of techniques to spark arousal and “spice things up”, he delves deeper into the core of relationships to help people develop real intimacy with their partners. Schnarch focuses on the process of “differentiation”, which involves defining oneself as an individual. He believes that developing and maintaining a sense of self is essential to having a close relationship with our partners. In Schnarch’s view, achieving passionate sex and intimacy isn’t about communication, it’s about “holding onto yourself” as a distinct person.

In Passionate Marriage, Schnarch openly discusses his own personal experiences in relationships, including both the successes and the failures. He also writes about his findings as a researcher and a therapist and includes case studies of couples with whom he’s worked.

This book is both an explanation of what really takes place in close relationships and a guide for undertaking the self-development and new ways of relating to each other that are necessary for keeping love, intimacy, and passionate sex alive in committed relationships. Schnarch has a playful writing style that includes some colourful language.

Passionate Marriage is divided into three sections:

“Section 1: The Basics”

Section 1 includes five chapters and sets the basic groundwork for exploring your relationship, giving new meaning and options to your sexual interactions, and learning about the concepts that Schnarch believes underly a passionate marriage.

In section 1, Schnarch introduces the idea of differentiation and why it’s essential to marriage. In his view, the more each partner embraces differentiation, the better able they are to develop deep intimacy and explore their sexual potential with each other. He points out that when emotional gridlock arises in relationships, many people attempt to manage the conflicts by diminishing one’s own needs or sense of self or by requiring their partners to do so. That often pushes couples farther apart rather than bringing them closer together, while differentiation can lead to positive outcomes. Schnarch also discusses intimacy and desire in section 1, pointing out that they don’t come easily –they’re challenging and “not for the faint of heart”.

“Section 2: Tools for Connection”

Section 2 provides the practical tools for differentiating yourself as an individual, and creating a passionate marriage. These five chapters are designed to help you achieve more sexual fulfilment, connect with your partner on a more intimate level during sex, and experience your relationship in new ways. Schnarch provides clear and explicit advice on how to develop intense intimacy and have incredible sex with your partner. He encourages couples to shift out of an “orgasm-centered mindset” that sometimes produces a false sense of emotional closeness during sexual contact, and instead favours a view that takes into account the many dimensions of sexual experience and intimacy. Chapters such as “Fucking, Doing, and Being Done” give a broader view of the dynamics possible in sexual relationships and provide ways to enhance both passion and romance in your marriage.

“Section 3: Observations on the Process”

Section 3 looks at how sex and intimacy really operate in marriages. Marriage is certainly a complex system! Schnarch uses the third and final section of Passionate Marriage to provide insight into how marriages evolve, including the role of sex and intimacy in each partner’s personal growth and how to balance personal growth with the stability of the relationship. He returns to the idea of differentiation and how it can lead to greater intimacy with your partner. Schnarch also points out that the issues that may arise as a result of differentiation usually create their own solutions.

Passionate Marriage is an excellent resource that goes far beyond how-to guides that simply offer tips and tricks to create a better sex life. Schnarch explores the core issues of emotionally intimate relationships and helps couples develop passion for each other both in and out of the bedroom.

Relationship counselling is an ideal way for couples to receive additional support through the challenging process of differentiating and developing a passionate marriage.

We integrate many of the concepts described in Passionate Marriage when providing relationship counselling to assist couples in building more fulfilling and intimate relationships. The team at Paul the Counsellor provide couples counselling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with us please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is the second in a series of books we will be describing that can help strengthen your relationship with your partner. This review contains strategies and tips that you can start using right now to improve your relationship.

The Book:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver

About the Author:

What makes a relationship work? John Gottman has spent over 35 years researching couples and has made incredible progress toward figuring it out.

In Gottman’s “Love Lab”, he and his colleagues have interviewed and observed hundreds of couples at different points in their relationships and found several signs of whether or not a relationship will work out. Now after watching a couple for only 5 minutes, John Gottman can predict with 91% accuracy whether they will happily stay together. Pretty impressive!

About the Book:

Gottman used his research findings to write The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The book explains how to predict whether your relationship is headed for bliss or disaster, and how to rescue it if the future of your relationship is looking grim. Although the first sections of the book focuses on the things that are toxic to relationships, ultimately The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is about what does work in relationships and how to build a loving, long-lasting relationship.

Each of the “seven principles” represent qualities that Gottman consistently sees in happy relationships. He gives advice and practical exercises for helping you integrate the seven principles into your relationship.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is useful both for couples who are struggling and for happy couples who want to keep their relationship on the right track.

The Seven Principles:

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Love maps are about how well you know your partner; anything from their favourite colour or meal to their innermost hopes and fears. Even if you learned those things early in your relationship they might have changed over time. You may think you know more about your partner than you do!  Keeping up to date with what’s happening with each other day-to-day is important too. In our busy world, it can be easy to lose track. Does your partner have any big stressors they’re dealing with right now? What’s a typical day like for them at work?

This chapter has lots of exercises for figuring out how strong your love maps are (how well you know each other), and for getting to know your partner better. Dr Gottman and his wife have also recently released an iPhone app called “Enhancing Your Love Maps” with similar exercises.

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Fondness and admiration for each other are key to a happy relationship. However, over time contempt can creep in and partners may start lose sight of what they appreciate about each other. In this chapter, Gottman discusses ways to re-focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, such as the things you love about your partner, the attraction that brought you together, and the happy memories on which your relationship was built. This chapter includes extensive practical exercises, including “A Seven Week Course in Fondness and Admiration.”

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Turning toward each other is about making a connection with your partner, even if it’s through simple things like casually chatting to one another. Gottman says that the more you turn toward each other, the higher the balance in your “emotional bank account.” Having that positive balance makes it much easier to weather the rough times and happily emerge on the other side. Exercises in this chapter allow you to practice turning toward each other instead of away and how to cope if your partner does turn away.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

Letting your partner influence you means respecting and honouring their opinions and feelings, and making them a partner in decision-making. Influencing each other involves allowing both partners to have an input and be heard, and being open to your partner’s ideas. The “influencing” exercises in this chapter include a questionnaire to see whether you’re currently letting your partner influence you, some role playing scenarios, and a light-hearted game involving negotiation about the essential items you’d need if you were stranded on a desert island together.

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

Gottman divides relationship problems into two types: solvable and unsolvable problems. This chapter discusses ways to solve your solvable problems so they don’t lead to deeper relationship issues and resentment. Gottman clearly outlines key steps for taking a new approach to settling relationship conflicts, which will allow you to solve your unsolvable problems.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

Some relationship problems are simply unsolvable and seem to keep popping up over and over again. The surprising news? That’s okay! Gottman has seen countless couples in happy, long-lasting relationships who have unsolvable relationship problems. It’s all a matter of how you choose to deal with the unsolvable problems and whether you can overcome gridlock. Again, he includes exercises to help you do so.

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Couples can build a rich inner world with one another, a “microculture” with its own rituals, stories, values and beliefs. Creating a shared meaning is a way to connect and develop your special world together that incorporates both partners’ dreams and values. If an otherwise happy relationship that incorporates the first six principles feels like it’s “missing something”, this is the area that may need to be strengthened. This chapter includes exercises on identifying your goals and values, and developing a shared meaning and culture together.

In addition to a chapter on each of the seven principles, Gottman includes additional chapters about the Love Lab; his method for predicting divorce; how to determine whether your problems are solvable or unsolvable; and how to cope with typical solvable problems, all based on findings from his rigorous research.

Reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and completing the exercises with your partner is a great tool for strengthening your relationship, especially if done in conjunction with marriage counselling.

We use Gottman’s principles as part of our relationship counselling practice to assist couples in building happier relationships. The team at Paul the Counsellor provide couples counsellling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with us please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

This is the first in a series of books we will be describing that can help strengthen your relationship with your partner.

The Book:

Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.

About the Author:

Harville Hendrix has worked as a therapist, educator, workshop leader, and public lecturer for over 35 years. He is a pioneer in the field of relationship counselling. He and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt worked together to create Imago Therapy, which is now used around the world in couples counselling.

Several of his books, including Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples have been on the New York Times bestsellers list.  He has appeared on Oprah 17 times.

About the Book:

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples is divided into three sections: “The Unconscious Marriage: The disillusionment path”, “The Conscious Marriage: How a marriage can be fixed up” and a section of practical exercises.

“The Unconscious Marriage: The disillusionment path”

What really attracted you to your partner?

In the first section, called “The Unconscious Marriage”, Hendrix focuses on how our childhood experiences affect our adult relationships. He explains “the mystery of attraction”. Over the course of five chapters, Hendrix details how the relationships we form in childhood and our unmet needs determine what we look for in our love relationships as adults. Our romantic relationships can allow us to grow and change, but before we work through our past issues we can run into major problems. During “The Unconscious Marriage”, we are stuck in old patterns, so our relationships progress from initial attraction to romantic love to tense power struggles. It’s easy to become disappointed and disillusioned about our relationships when they’re unconscious marriages. If unconscious marriages don’t become conscious marriages, they fall apart.

“The Conscious Marriage: How a marriage can be fixed up”

How can I make my relationship work?

“The Conscious Marriage” section of the book is all about saving relationships. Relationships take a lot of effort! When we move into “The Conscious Marriage” stage, we become conscious of our old wounds and progress beyond our past issues to shift our awareness to the present. Hendrix refers to this as “The Conscious Marriage” because we make a conscious effort to understand what’s happening in the relationship in the present and to make the relationship work. We start looking not only at how our partner can meet our needs, but how we ourselves can be good partners too. He explains how to become conscious, and ten characteristics of a conscious marriage. The conscious approach lets us ditch our disillusionment and once again make our relationships fulfilling.  As the title says, it’s “how a marriage can be fixed up”.

“The Exercises”

How do I stay on the right path?

The last section of the book provides practical exercises help you maintain what you learned in “The Conscious Marriage” section. The exercises walk you through ways to get to know yourself and your partner better and meet each other’s needs. They support you in creating healthier, conscious relationship patterns so you don’t slip back into the old, toxic patterns.  The exercises are a great resource for couples in any stage of their relationship.

Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples is a fantastic book to help couples understand and improve their relationships, especially when used alongside couples therapy.

The team at Paul the Counsellor provide couples counsellling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with us please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Patterns in the way couples interact start to form early in relationships and become entrenched over time. Some patterns can be positive and help sustain fulfilling relationships. Other patterns can cause stress and tension, and lead relationships into rocky territory.

You may have already noticed certain patterns or themes in your relationship. A lot of deeper relationship patterns can have serious negative consequences but may not be obvious at first glance.

Dangerous patterns to watch out for:

• Pursuer and Distancer

Does one person in the relationship want more closeness than the other?

When one partner is looking for more closeness, they can turn into a “pursuer”, chasing after a tighter connection with their partner. The partner wanting more independence and space becomes a “distancer”, pushing their partner away to give themselves more breathing room. The more the pursuer pursues, the more the distancer distances and vice versa. An uncomfortable cycle is created. The Pursuer and Distancer pattern takes hold and neither partner gets their needs met.

• Overfunctioner/Underfunctioner

Is one person taking on all the responsibility?

One person may be taking responsibility for everything in the relationship, from finances to social plans and practical tasks, and may feel solely responsible for the emotional state of the relationship. In that person’s mind, “everything is up to me” and “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done”. They are the “overfunctioner” in the relationship. On the other end is the “underfunctioner”. This person takes little responsibility and may start to assume that if anything needs doing, their partner will take care of it. The underfunctioner may want to be more involved but feels like anything they do won’t live up to the overfunctioning partner’s high standards. The Overfunctioner/Underfunctioner pattern can lead to a toxic build up of anger and resentment.

• Blamers and Placaters

Is your partner always wrong?

When difficulties arise in relationships the Blamers and Placaters pattern can occur. The more difficult things become, the more each person feels that their partner is at fault for the problems within the relationship. “Blamers” proclaim “it’s all your fault”. Both partners may take on the blamer role, or one partner may instead take on the role of “Placater”. Placaters try to pacify the other person to keep the peace, without really believing that their partner’s point of view is really valid. Placaters refuse to acknowledge their own role in the relationship problems and sometimes feel like a victim of the blamer’s attacks. In the Blamers and Placaters pattern, partners are stuck in the “black and white” thinking that the other person is always wrong.

If these patterns aren’t addressed they could lead to the downfall of your relationship. However, it doesn’t have to spell the end for you and your partner. Couples counselling can help you recognise and change these patterns. Through counselling both partners can learn to get their needs met and once again experience a fulfilling, loving relationship.

I provide couples counselling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with me please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Many of the couples I see in my practice use their phones in ways that enhance and promote their relationship as well as in ways that are detrimental to it. In this blog post I will describe an iPhone application that you can use to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your partner.

The app is called Love Maps and has been released by The Gottman Relationship Institute. For those of you that don’t know, John Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman have been methodically studying couples’ relationships for over 35 years. The Gottmans are responsible for most of what we know today about how marriage and relationships work. They are perhaps most famously known for their ability to predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will divorce within five minutes of studying them.

Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work describes seven ways to cultivate and fortify your relationship with your partner. The first principle is entitled “Enhance Your Love Maps”. It is this principle that the Love Maps iPhone application can help you with. What are love maps? A love map is your storehouse of intimate knowledge about your partner’s life. Truly knowing about your partner is part of being in a loving relationship. In today’s fast pace world we often find ourselves short on time and energy to be curious about our partners and as a result of this we tend to grow apart. How many times have I heard with sadness whilst counselling couples, “things have changed, we’re just like roommates now”? Almost without realizing it, couples can drift apart.

So how can this iPhone app help you build your love maps? It’s deceptively simple – it provides you with a series of random questions to ask your partner to help you learn about each other. For $2.49 it’s a bargain and fun game to play with your partner.

Do you know what your partner would do if she won Tattslotto? What about some of her dreams or secret ambitions? Do you know her most embarrassing moments or her favorite way to be soothed when she’s upset?

I recommend this iPhone app as a fun way for couples to learn more about each other and strengthen their relationships.

I provide couples counselling and marriage counselling for couples in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with me please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

Read this post if you are looking to find a counsellor and want to know the important factors that should influence your decision. You will find this post helpful whether you are looking to find a counsellor in Melbourne or anywhere in Australia.

Counselling Approach

The different types of counselling and psychotherapy are too numerous to mention here. Many of the approaches can be roughly placed into three groups: psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral and humanistic-existential.

• Psychodynamic approaches share a common ancestry with Freudian psychoanalysis. These approaches aim to bring aspects of the unconscious into awareness. It is thought that when clients become more aware of their unconscious material they will have fewer internal conflicts and experience less anxiety.

• Cognitive behavioral approaches aim to identify and change destructive thought patterns and reenforce new behaviors through systematic training. These approaches are usually implemented as a set procedure to address a specific goal or symptom.

• Humanistic-existential approaches encourage clients to become aware of their own experiencing and to take authorship of their own lives. They aim to assist clients to live more fully and reach their potentials. At the heart of humanistic-existential therapies is a unique kind of relationship between the counsellor and the client, which is characterized by acceptance, empathy and real dialogue.

If you are trying to find a counsellor it is important to educate yourself about the different counselling approaches so that you can choose a therapist that practices in a way that is compatible with both your outlook on life and your personal aims. There is significant research to say that no one approach is more effective than another.

Counsellor Training

Therapists are an interesting bunch that come from extraordinarily varied backgrounds. Some therapists have social work, psychology or medical backgrounds whilst others may have worked in other, quite diverse professions. Irrespective of the educational background of the therapist, I believe it is important that therapists come to the profession with a range of life experiences.

Training is often undertaken at a post graduate level and is usually offered in the form of diplomas and Master’s degrees. The Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia considers undergraduate courses of greater than 400 hours (over 3 years) and post graduate courses of greater than 250 hours (over 2 years) as being the minimum amount of training required. They also require a significant amount of client contact to be undertaken during the training. When you find a counsellor it is important to know what training they have undertaken and in what counselling approaches.

Personal Therapy

One of the most important things to consider when you set out to find a counsellor is whether the counsellor has undertaken personal therapy. Many training institutes and professional bodies do not require students to undertake personal therapy. When you go to see a counsellor you want them to have undertaken self exploration themselves and to have a high degree of self awareness. An incredible sensitivity to interpersonal dynamics is required to be an effective counsellor and undertaking therapy is necessary to cultivate and hone that sensitivity. When you find a counsellor I encourage you to ask her if she has undertaken personal therapy and if so, how many hours. Greater than 50 hours is a good start!

Supervision

The term supervision is used in counselling to refer to counsellors meeting with more senior therapists to discuss their work. This serves several purposes including: an opportunity to process emotions that arise during the work, a chance to seek direction from someone more experienced, and to guard against therapists practicing poorly or unsafely. The frequency with which a therapist undertakes supervision will depend on several factors including her level of experience, her client load and her personal preference. When you find a counsellor ask them if they undertake regular supervision.

Professional Development

Professional development includes workshops, conferences and further advanced training. You may want to find a counsellor that is actively involved in professional development to ensure that they are in touch with other practitioners and continuing to improve their skills.

Professional Memberships and Accreditation

Up until relatively recently accreditation of counsellors and psychotherapists has been a complex affair. There are now two main accreditation bodies being the Australian Counselling Association (ACA) and the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (PACFA). The later is comprised of 37 member associations that have agreed to accept a common set of professional standards. When you head out to find a counsellor you might want to ask them if they are a registered counsellor with the ACA or a member of a PACFA member association.

The Human Being Factor

My personal view is that when you set out to find a counsellor you need to take into account what I call the “human being factor.” One of the most healing things in therapy can be to work with a therapist who is willing to share some of her own personal experience. You may want to consider whether you want to engage in a therapeutic relationship with a counsellor who is not willing to talk a little about their own difficulties.

Extensive research into psychotherapy has shown the therapeutic relationship to be one of the key factors in effective therapy. When you find a counsellor I recommend you ask yourself whether you like the counsellor and whether you feel they like you. If the answer to either of these questions is “no” it is hard to imagine how the counselling relationship could be therapeutic.

Summary: Find a Counsellor

When you set out to find a counsellor make sure you pick someone whose counselling approach matches what you’re looking for. Make sure the counsellor has undertaken personal therapy. Inquire about their training and professional memberships. Once you meet them, make your own assessment of the “human being factor”.

I provide counselling and psychotherapy to people in the Melbourne CBD and the Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know is interested in undertaking counselling with me please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

There is nothing wrong with being angry. It is useful emotion that serves a purpose. Take a moment and imagine that your family or loved ones are being threatened. Do you feel that anger building? Would that anger be useful to you in that situation? I imagine that the heightened physiological arousal you are beginning to experience would commandeer your resources to protect your family from harm. OK, take a deep breath and relax.

Anger serves as a signal to ourselves and others that our needs are not being met. It stimulates us to bring about changes in our environment. It lets others know that they are not meeting our needs, sending a clear message of “No, don’t do that to me.” In one sense anger is the essence of taking care of oneself.

You may be thinking, “OK, OK, Paul, but my anger is getting me into trouble and ruining my life.” Here’s the kicker, it’s not anger that is source of your woes, but what you do with it. I’d like to make a simple distinction here between anger and aggression. Anger is a feeling and aggression is violent or hostile behavior. It tends to be the latter that causes us trouble. In between anger and aggression lies a choice. Let me make it clear, something makes us angry and we choose to respond aggressively, but we can equally choose to respond differently.

Often the way that we choose to respond to our anger is determined by our experience in our families of origin and the culture we’ve grown up in. To complicate things we often receive contradictory messages. For example, your father may have told you as a child to defend yourself physically at school, yet the school punished you for your behavior. These influences and messages are often internalized and we respond out of habit without much thought. What may have served you well in the past may now land you in jail.

Getting angry and not expressing it may keep you out of jail, but this can end up hurting you. Anger turned inwards can lead to feelings of low self esteem and depression. Given that anger is one of the least tolerated emotions in our culture, this puts you in a quandary of how you might get something off your chest without getting yourself into trouble. The trick is not to let the anger build up, but rather to express it as it arises. This involves responding at the time, directing it to the right person, at an appropriate level in a way appropriate to our culture. For example, you knock on your neighbor’s door and say, “I can hear the music you’re playing in my apartment. When you play music that loud I feel that you don’t respect me and I get angry. I would like you to turn the music down now.”

Now what happens if the bozo next door doesn’t turn down the heavy metal? Yes it’s annoying, but you can take pride in the fact that you had the strength and will power to respond in this way. He or she may have their music blaring, but you’re the one in control. Now don’t give up, keep trying different ways to stop the music. As long as you keep trying you’re empowered. Anger comes from a position of powerlessness, so use it to exert what power you have in an constructive way.

I provide anger management counselling to people in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know are interested in undertaking anger management counselling with me please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000

If you haven’t already experienced the loss of someone dear to you it is almost a certainty that you will at sometime during your life. Grief is a profound experience that shakes us to our very core, it tests our courage and our perseverance to endure. Unfortunately, many of the clients I see who are experiencing grief believe that their response to grief is unusual or even “pathological.” To this end I have written this blog post to make known some of the varied ways we experience grief and highlight that they are normal responses.

Many feelings may be evoked by bereavement. The most common is sadness, which if the person is prevented from experiencing can result in complicated and prolonged grieving process. Anger is another common emotion, which often arises from the frustration that nothing could have been done to prevent the loss. Sometimes this anger can be displaced on to others by blaming them for the death. If the anger is turned inwards a person may experience intense depression and may even consider taking their own life. Bereaved individuals often experience guilt about something they may have been able to do to prevent the death of their loved one. Anxiety may also be experienced as people become concerned about how they may go on in the absence of their loved one. The death of someone close can also make people aware of how fragile life is, evoking fears about their own death or those close to them. Not surprisingly, people often also feel a deep sense of loneliness. A myriad of other emotions are typically experienced that are specific for each individual and their loss.

We often feel the death of a loved one in our body through physical sensations. Although different for each person they may include a sense of emptiness in the stomach region, constriction in the chest and throat, breathlessness and tiredness, sensitivity to noise and a sense of being separate from one’s self.

People’s thoughts may also be affected by grief. Sometimes people will experience disbelief finding it hard to believe the death has occurred. Other times they may be struck by confusion, forgetfulness or experience difficulty concentrating. People may also find themselves plagued by continual thoughts about the deceased. It is very common for people to feel the presence of the loved one and sometimes to hear the voice or have visions of the deceased.

Grief may affect other aspects of peoples lives as well. Sleep disturbance is common with people experiencing difficulty falling asleep or waking up early. They may also have vivid dreams about their loved one. People may experience changes in appetite; eating more or less than usual. It is no uncommon for people to temporarily withdraw socially during the grieving process. Some people will avoid anything that reminds them of the deceased while others will treasure objects of the loved one and visit places that remind them of the person.

These are some of the myriad ways people experience and express grief, but this by no means accounts for all the numerous ways that people respond in what is often one of the most difficult times of their lives.

I encourage readers to post some of their experiences of dealing with grief to let others know that they are not alone in the varied ways they experience grief.

I provide grief counselling to people in the Melbourne CBD and Greater Melbourne area. If you or someone you know are interested in undertaking grief counselling with me please explore the website for more information.

0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000