Paula Fellingham - Stay at Home Moms

4 Parenting Principles

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

I love helping young parents learn the principles that will help them create strong, loving families. I’d like to share four of these with you today:

1. Kindness: Kind thoughts, kind words, kind tone of voice, and kind actions should be family goals. Mother Teresa said, “Spread love and kindness wherever you go. First of all in your own home. Show kindness to your husband or wife, to your children, to a next-door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.” Frequent expressions of love, appreciation and admiration are heard in the homes of families raising kind, confident children.

2. Commitment: Just like the garden which flourishes when it is lovingly cultivated, our children need to be nurtured with our best effort and our time. We should be willing to give both quality and quantity time to our family. Quality time means that when we’re with one another we’re 100% there, focused on family members’ needs and happiness. Quantity time means that we’re with our families as often as we can be. This is a challenge sometimes, but if our family relationships truly are our highest priority, time needs to be given to those relationships. There is no substitute for unhurried time with our loved ones.

Toxic Personalities

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

Today I’d like to talk about “human porcupines” – the toxic personalities in our lives who challenge us on many fronts. Some are co-workers; some are relatives! How do you deal with these folks?

First, let’s define their common characteristics. They:

1. Are critical, judgmental

2. Have high, unrealistic expectations; perfectionists

3. Manipulate others by guilt, ridicule

4. Are easily offended

5. Send the message to others that, “I am unhappy. If you would do this ‘certain thing’ or behave in this ‘certain way’ then I won’t be unhappy.”

How do you unplug the power of the difficult-to-love people in your life?

Three things you can do:

Self Knowledge

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

Today I’d like to share my thoughts about the importance of knowing yourself. Really knowing yourself. Before we can lead others – in our families or in our careers – we need to be crystal clear about our values, beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses.

Self-knowledge grows out of contemplation, prayer, questioning yourself, and welcoming feedback from others. Here’s a story about taking time to contemplate - getting to know yourself by introspection:

Central park is in the heart of New York City. Outside the park taxis dart, people bustle, subway trains rush, the lights of Broadway sparkle.

But, within the bounds of Central Park is quiet serenity, where life appears in slow motion.

Bernard M. Baruch was called the “Park Bench Statesman.” He came to New York when he was ten years old. Bernard became an office boy at nineteen, a Wall Street partner at twenty-five, and a millionaire at thirty-five. During the five years after he made his first fortune, he served as a close adviser to five United States presidents.

Bernard Baruch developed the ability to get away from the downtown din, sitting on a quiet park bench, and thinking about himself, other people, and the world.

Loving Yourself

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

Today’s post is on the importance of loving yourself.

We can’t expect others to love us more than we love ourselves. Self-dislike blocks growth. On the other hand, humbly approving of yourself strengthens your relationships, increases your productivity, and affects every part of your world.

Your level of self-approval paints itself on your face, colors your voice, and programs your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions.

You know, much of the problem with poor self-approval today can be connected to the mass media. We are bombarded by pictures of beautiful, perfect, skinny women.

Today’s woman is shown as gorgeous, exuding self-confidence, always young, never ill, doesn’t make mistakes or appear foolish, never loses her cool, and of course, never gains a pound.

That woman is an absolute, total myth! If we compare ourselves to that woman, naturally our self-approval will suffer.

However, those who break free of this distorted image of woman and see their unique gifts clearly, will be happier and have higher self-approval ratings. I know beautiful, talented women with very low self-esteem – low levels of self-approval.

Six Parenting Solutions

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

I’d like to begin by sharing a scenario of a young mother ~ you might be able to relate!

Returning home loaded with bags of groceries, Suzanne winced as she walked in and heard all three of her children quarreling at the top of their lungs. Suzanne, instantly angry, yelled, “Why can’t you kids go one hour without fighting? You don’t deserve what I do for you! Go to your rooms - NOW!”

As she set the groceries down, Suzanne knew she hadn’t handled that well, but didn’t know what to do about it, and wasn’t in the mood to fix it anyway.

Parenting is tricky business. Even on our best days we wonder if we’re “doing it right.” After thirty years of parenting and counseling parents, I’ve discovered many valuable solutions for practically perfect parenting. Let’s look at six of them. Of course we won’t apply these solutions perfectly every time, but learning that there are solutions, and knowing what they are, is certainly a first step toward success.

SOLUTION 1: Adjust Your Attitude

Wise parents understand that attitude is indeed everything. Notice the parenting differences in these two examples:

Jennifer was awakened by the cries of her two-year-old. Little Michael was teething, and had a fever. Jennifer thought, “Oh, no! Won’t this child EVER let me sleep? I hate getting up in the middle of the night!”

Across town Melissa was awakened by the sound of her two-year-old baby’s cries. Her daughter, Tina, was teething, and had a fever. Melissa thought, “Oh, no! This sweet little girl is in such pain...I wish I could help her feel better.”

Our first example, Jennifer, looks through mirrors and sees only her own needs. Melissa looks through windows and sees the needs of others.

Dale Carnegie taught, “Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what we have or who we are, or what we’re doing that makes us happy or unhappy. It’s what we think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing, and yet one may be miserable and the other happy. Why? Because of a different mental attitude.”

When parents believe that theirs is the best and most important work in the world, they see their children as treasures to cherish and their family challenges as opportunities to grow.

Our attitude is a choice. Even when circumstances are uncontrollable and undesirable, we can choose our responses. Situations may color our views of life, but we have the power to choose what the color will be.

SOLUTION 2: Focus on Fundamentals

Every successful team knows that mastering game fundamentals is essential for victory. Likewise, parents who learn and apply basic relationship-building skills stand on a firm foundation as they work to create a strong family.

Four fundamentals for a healthy family are kindness, commitment, good communication, and making wise choices. In my next blog I’ll talk more about these important family-strengthening principles.

SOLUTION 3: Consent to Change

Unexpected events frequently require families to make changes in their schedules, their way of thinking, and even their lifestyles. How parents handle change makes all the difference. Strong families learn that sometimes it’s necessary to just stop fighting a problem and adapt to it. This may mean changing jobs, re-defining who does what chores, or cutting back on expenses. Even positive things like retirement, a wedding, or the birth of a child require families to be adaptable and flexible.

We often think of change as something to be avoided. That’s not possible, nor is it necessarily desirable. While change which reaches unmanageable levels is destructive, some changes keep life interesting and cause us to continue growing and learning.

SOLUTION 4: Practice Patience

We’re on Top of the Hill

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

My life’s mission is to strengthen women and families worldwide. I do this by helping people live more joyfully. Today I’d like to speak to Baby Boomer women ~ women born between 1945 and 1965. Currently, there are almost 50 million in the United States alone.

I’d like to let all Baby Boomer women know (and the rest of the world know as well) that we’re not “over the hill”. We’re on top of the hill ~ looking at the endless possibilities before us! And we’re not in a crisis, we’re on a quest — searching for ways to reinvigorate our lives. Ask us, and we’ll tell you that we want to connect with one another and make this season the best time of our lives.

Yes, it’s time to celebrate! We belong to the largest generation ever! Fifty million American women – right now - share the same concerns and excitement as we enter that Middle Age between youth and elderly. We belong to a wonderful, important group made up of people who share the same memories of Elvis, the Beetles, Peter, Paul and Mary. Together we transitioned from typewriters to computers, from Sheriff John to Sesame Street, from peddle-pushers to capris.

We share the same fears and very similar dreams. We’re the ones who worry about our children and aging parents at the same time.

We wonder about Botox and social security checks. And we’re all shocked by how much time has gone by and how fast we’re aging.

Yes, we face this new period in our lives with a mix of wonderment and anxiety. Many of the things they saw on the road ahead, things they’d pursued and hoped for – love, adventure, success, appreciation - has either alluded them or doesn’t look nearly as good as it used to. And their disappointment and frustrations are reflected in spontaneous or premeditated acts that society labels “a midlife crisis.”

You know what I’m talking about - from going back to school or buying a motorcycle to starting a new business, moving to another country or learning how to ice-skate or play the guitar, we’re making significant changes in our lives. Perhaps the most significant change of all is the creation of an entire movement…. a new time in the history of women.

American Baby Boomer Women

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

Today I’d like to talk again about the amazing American Baby Boomer women ~ women born between 1945 and 1965. Currently, there are almost 50 million in America alone.

Look at these amazing statistics:

One out of three Americans is now approaching midlife. According to the Wall Street Journal, every eight seconds someone in the United States turns fifty as the baby boom hits middle age.

More than 15 million women will have, or are already having, what they regard as a midlife crisis – about equal to the entire populations of Colorado, Massachusetts, and Minnesota combined. (from Elaine Wethington, Expecting Stress: Americans and the ‘Midlife Crisis)

Women hold nearly half of all executive, managerial, and administrative jobs in the United States.

Women today earn 58% of all college degrees granted and 59% of the master’s degrees. (National Center for Educational Statistics)

Thanks in large part to midlife women, female ownership and operation of motorcycles has risen 34 percent in the past five years! Racing Adventures, a Scottsdale, Arizona, auto-racing school, has seen a sharp increase in sign-ups by midlife women in just the past four years.

Women now comprise as much as 40 percent of the field in Ironman Triatholons. Significant numbers of women between the ages of 45 and 49 compete in this grueling event of endurance and strength. (Paul Huddle, Multisports.com, Encinitas, CA.)

Women

- Control 4 trillion in annual consumer spending. ($4,000,000,000,000)

- Buy 2 out of every 3 cars.

- Take 50% of all business trips.

- Control 51.3% of all the personal wealth in the country.

- Influence 95% of all US consumer spending, and make up 85% of all consumer buying. (Center for Women’s Business Research)

- Women Initiate 74% of all new business start-ups in the United States.

Let’s look at some SUCCESSFUL WOMEN OVER 40:

Ten Priceless Financial Principles

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

In an effort to share life-changing principles that help people live more joyfully, today I’d like to offer TEN PRICELESS FINANCIAL PRINCIPLES created by my dear friend and author, Dr. Bernard Poduska. You can find these in his excellent book For Love or Money.

Principle 1: Financial problems are usually behavior problems rather than money problems.

Principle 2: If you continue doing what you have been doing, you’ll continue getting what you have been getting.

Principle 3: Nothing (no thing) is worth risking the loss of a relationship.

Principle 4: Money spent on things you value usually leads to a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. Money spent on things you don’t value usually leads to a feeling of frustration and futility.

How to Create Positive Change in Your Life Part 12

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

This is the final blog in the series, “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”. I am the host of a podcast called The JOY Show, where I share these principles and many, many more in delightful audio presentations twice weekly. My podcasts will soon be available at my new websit: TheJOYShowOnline.com.

My friends, I believe that living your best life starts with a picture held in your imagination of what you would like to do or be.

If you have a poor self image in any area of your life because of past negative experiences, there’s good news! You can improve your self image by creating new, positive experiences to replace the old ones. That’s right!

Positive Experiences Can Be Simulated; They Can be Created “Artificially” in Our Minds!

You see, the very nature of the human brain and nervous system allows you to literally create experiences in your mind. Experimental and clinical psychologists have proven:

The nervous system cannot tell the difference between an ACTUAL experience and an experience IMAGINED IN GREAT DETAIL.
Your nervous system reacts obediently to what you think or imagine to be true – whether it’s actually true or not. In other words, people always feel, act and behave according to what they imagine to be true about themselves and their circumstances.

Experiments done years ago proved these statements to be true. In one experiment there were 3 groups of free-throw-shooting basketball players.

How to Create Positive Change in Your Life Part 11

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

My blog series, “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life” has become extremely popular online. This is blog number eleven.

To quickly review, in my previous blog (number 10 of 12 in this series), we discussed “Becoming Your Ideal Self by Vividly Imagining and Acting As If”. The first step in the process is to set high achievable goals. Key steps re: setting your goals was the subject of blog #10. Steps 2 – 7 are included in this post. Detailed information about this subject can be found in my book “Believe It! Become It!”

2. Write Your Goals in Detailed Specifics

This is of upmost importance. There was an experiment conducted in 1985, with 100 high school students who all decided on future goals. Fifty of the students talked about their goals but never wrote them down. Fifty students wrote their goals in specific terms and set time limits. Ten years later the students were questioned. Of the fifty students who didn’t write their goals down, 15% achieved them. Those who wrote in specific details with time deadlines, 92% achieved their goals!

Give your mind a clearly-defined goal it can envision and work toward. Here’s a good example: “I will give the presentation to 12 people before Friday at noon.”

3. Give Yourself a Time Limit. You want dreams with a deadline.

4. Break Goals Into Small, Do-able Steps. No matter how large the task, it is infinitely easier when broken down into daily tasks.

How to Create Positive Change in Your Life Part 10

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 09:00:00 +0000

The third belief I discuss in my book “Believe It! Become It!” is this:

“I Become My Ideal Self By Vividly Imagining and Acting As If”

Before we can talk about becoming our ideal selves we need to understand the importance of setting high, achievable goals. Every successful person I know sets both long and short-term goals.

George Bernard Shaw said, “Some men see things as they are and say, ‘Why?’ I dream of things that never were and say, ‘Why not?"

Carl Sandburg wrote, “Nothing Happens Unless First a Dream”

Our challenge? To turn our invisible dreams into measurable realities.

Imagine a pilot coming over the intercom and announcing: “I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is we’ve lost one engine and our direction finder. The good news is we have a tail wind and wherever we are going we’re getting there at a rate of 600 miles an hour. People often fly along like that – directionless, but being pushed swiftly along by the winds of circumstances.

I love the story about the time Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes misplaced his ticket while traveling on a train. Watching him fumble through his belongings and pockets in growing frustration, the conductor said, “Don’t worry about it, Mr. Holmes. I’m sure you have your ticket somewhere. If you don’t find it during the trip, just mail it in to the railroad when you reach your destination.” Holmes looked the conductor in the eye and said, “Young man, my problem is not finding my ticket. It’s finding out where in the world I’m going!”

I’d like to share with you my 7 Steps to Success re: going from where you are to where you want to be.

1. Choose Only Those Goals You Deeply Care About and Are Absolutely Committed to Achieving

The more deeply you are convinced of the absolute necessity of reaching your goals, the more tenacity you’ll exert as you work toward them.

How do you decide on your goals?

How to Creat positive Change in Your Life Part 9

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:00:00 +0000

I created a series of twelve blogs called “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”. This is number nine.

Let’s talk about another skill that can help you change your core self beliefs. I call them Confidence Concept Cards.

Let me tell you about my friend - a previously struggling and now highly-successful salesperson who made this idea work for her. She put 3x5 inch cards where she could easily see them - on her bathroom mirror, her desk at work, in her car (on the visor), and in her planner. These cards were Confidence Concepts that affirmed her goodness.

“I am a great salesperson.”

“I radiate confidence and kindness to everyone.”

“I am a loving wife and patient mother.”

“I am organized and efficient at work and at home.”

“Nothing is impossible because I’m successful in every area of my life.”

Can this type of positive input, read regularly and believed sincerely can have a powerful impact on your level of confidence?

How to Create Postive Change In Your Life Part 8

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:00:00 +0000

In my previous two blog posts I discussed the ten ways we can create our own happiness. I’d like to review the eighth principle and give two examples, then provide principles nine and ten in this post.

#8: Ignore Your Negative Thoughts

We all have thousands of thoughts each day. Some are going to be positive and productive, and others will be worrisome, fearful, covetous, etc. The question isn’t whether or not you’re going to have negative thoughts – we all do - it’s what you choose to do with the ones you have.

You really only have two choices. You can either worry about them, analyze them, think more and more about them, or you can dismiss them; let them go! When you have a thought – that’s all it is…just a thought. It can’t hurt you without your permission.

Think of your negative thought as a match which has just been lit. You can either blow it out immediately and stay healthy, or you can let it burn, hurt and scar you. The choice is yours.

Let’s look at two examples:

Karen, painfully shy, was completely convinced that her introversion and her low self-esteem were her parent’s fault. Karen bitterly explained, “My parents didn’t do a very good job, and that’s why I’m a social failure.”

Karen let the negative thoughts fester and wound her; convincing herself that she should indeed be unhappy. Instead, she should realize that although her childhood was difficult, IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT SHE HAS A CHOICE and can direct her thoughts.

Another example:

How to Create Positive Change in Your Life Part 7

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 09:00:00 +0000

This is the seventh blog in series of twelve called “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”.

One of the things I’m discussing in this Blog Series is How to Create Your Own Joy and Confidence. The first critical key is gratitude. We discussed gratitude in Blog #6 of this series.

The second way to create your own joy is to offer love and kindness to others.

Be others-centered.

Mother Teresa said, “Spread love wherever you go. First of all in your own home. Give love to your husband, your wife, your children, your next door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness. Kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”

The third way to create your own happiness is to be flexible and cheerful. Our ability to adapt well and be cheerful is an indicator of our strength of character.

For several years, on our refrigerator at home was this saying: “Be pretty if you are. Be witty if you can. But be cheerful if it kills you!”

Usually, if our face smiles (even when we’re not 100% happy) our heart will follow.

The fourth key is happiness is to be passionate about something. People who open their eyes each morning and immediately look forward to something that they’re passionate about are usually interesting folks who focus on the positive.

My son David – an All-American swimmer - got up every morning at 4:45am all through high school to work out in an outside pool. Even in sub-zero weather. Why? Because he loves to swim and because competing in his sport of choice sings to his heart. What sings to your heart?

We need to schedule time for things we love doing - you can give love better from your overflow – so fill your cup! In my book “Believe It! Become It!” I talk a lot about how to do this.

The fifth key to creating your own happiness: Use Positive Self-talk and Healthy Self-fulfilling Prophecies.

We want to turn self-talk from negative to positive:

Instead of negative self-talk like this:

How to Create Postive Change In Your Life Part 6

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 09:00:00 +0000

This is the sixth blog in series of twelve called “How To Create Positive Change in Your Life”.

My fifth book is titled “Believe It! Become It!” One of the beliefs I teach is this: Speaking Positively is the Key to Joy and Confidence. Let’s talk about it.

Who do you admire most in your life? Who are you drawn to? Usually it’s the joyful ones who smile, laugh, compliment others and radiate happiness.

“I create my own happiness” is part of this belief. Do you believe this?

Happiness is all about focus. Whatever you focus on pulls you in that direction, either negative or positive. So the secret to happiness is to choose to focus on the positive, no matter what. Abraham Lincoln reminded us, “Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

There’s a vast amount of research on this.

An experiment conducted at Stanford University by S. Lyubomirsky, in 1994, concluded that: “Happy people do not experience one success after another and unhappy people, one failure after another. Instead, surveys show that happy and unhappy people tend to have had very similar life experiences. The difference is that the average unhappy person spends more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their lives, while happy people tend to seek and rely upon information that brightens their personal outlook.”
My friends, we should stop seeking out the storms in our lives and enjoy more fully the sunlight. Yes, as we go through life let’s focus on what we have, not on what we don’t have. Accentuate the positive. And when we do, we’ll receive more. This is the Law of Attraction, and it’s been in place since time began.

How can we accentuate the positive? Exactly how do we create happiness? How do we create joy and confidence?