I often get emails from readers who are looking for advice on how to overcome their addiction problems. These tend to be people who are struggling to escape from alcohol or drugs using the more popular recovery options like the 12 Steps or therapy. A high proportion of the individuals who contact me want to go it alone – they are looking to hear about my experiences with self-directed recovery (aka going solo in recovery).

I always try to offer the best advice that I can, but the problem is that up until recently, I haven’t thought too much about why my path works – I just know that it does. This means that in the past, the answers I gave could be a bit vague. A few months ago, I decided to write down my approach to recovery in more detail, and this has all led to this series where I will outline a self-directed approach to addiction recovery. I’m not suggesting that this is some type of miracle cure, but it may work for some people. So far, I only know that this path works for me.

How to Build Your Recovery Life Raft

In order for this program to work you are going to need to build a life-raft. You will then use this to launch yourself into this new sober way of living. Once you get further along in your journey, you will be able to build a more impressive type of craft, but for the moment you just want something a bit basic. If you tried to create a craft that was too fancy right away, it might be difficult for you to manage so lets keeps things simple.

This life raft is going to have to see you through the early adjustment period of your new life, There may be some rough waves ahead, and you certainly do not want to take to the high seas unless that you feel certain that this craft is going to take you where you want to go. You need to have 100% confidence in your raft because if you go out in a vessel that is not ready it will be likely to sink, and this will damage your confidence. On the day that you are ready to launch, you want to feel as confident as possible that your raft will be up to the task.

OK, let’s dump the life-raft analogy for now and get directly to the point. The first thing that you need to do to break free of addiction is to create the right mental attitude. You will also need to develop some strategies to help you cope with the challenges that are going to lie ahead. To achieve all of this, you are going to need to do some writing.

Write Your Way Out of Addiction

I have talked on here before about how you can write your way out of addiction. This self-directed approach to recovery basically requires that you create your own recovery book- it does not matter if you do this on paper or if you do this on the computer. My guess is that you might have some reservations about writing this stuff down. Here are some things to consider:

- This is going to be your recovery manual and nobody else will ever need to see it.

- Your spelling and grammar does not matter one bit so long as you can read what has been written.

- It does not matter how messy your handwriting is – the only important thing is that you can read what is written.

- There is no busy-work involved in any of this – there is no need to write things down just for the sake of writing them down. You are completely in charge here and you write down what you want to write down.

- Don’t be concerned if your initial attempts at writing are a complete mess – that’s perfectly normal. Over time you will keep on refining what you have written, and your writing will become clearer as your thinking becomes clearer.

- You do not need to have any talent as a writer. In fact, you don’t have to even like writing – think of this as a type of medicine.

I would not suggest that you do this work unless I believed that it was important. I’ve no interest in wasting your time, and I’m not trying to help you become a better writer. I’m convinced that writing things down is crucial for a number of reasons including:

- The shit that is most damaging to us is the stuff that is rolling around inside our heads unchecked. By writing things down, you get this shit out of your head and into the light where you can deal with it.

- When we try to plan things inside our own heads, it will tend to be all muddled and vague – this is no good for the business we have set for ourselves. In order to break free of our addiction we must have clarity of purpose.

- One of the most important reasons for why this written work is important is that it gives us access to our best thinking on those days when our thinking is all fucked up. The problem is that when we need clear thinking the most, it tends not to be there. This is why we can start off our quit with the best of intentions, but we still fail because our best thinking goes AWOL when we need it most. By writing this stuff down, your best thinking will be there when you need it.

How to Build a Life Raft

OK, lets get back to the life raft analogy. In order to build this craft that is going to help you break into this new life you will need four things::

- You need a sail so that you can use the wind to propel your boat forward. This is your motive for quitting.

- You need planks of wood on which will be the part of the life raft that will keep you afloat. This is going to be the principles of your recovery.

- You are also going to need some type of rudder device so that you can steer your raft. This will be your strategy for dealing with early recovery.

- You will also need a destination. If you don’t have at least some type of basic idea about where you want to go, you could end up just going nowhere.

Ok, as you have probably guessed already, I know nothing about building lift-rafts, so please allow your imagination to stretch in order to accommodate my feeble account.

In the next article in the series, I will be start looking at each aspect of your recovery raft in much more detail.

I also talked about this approach in a recent video/podcast

I would be grateful for any comments you might have so don’t be shy.

In this video, I provide some information about a new approach to recovery that I’ve been working on in recent months. It is something that I hope will be of value to people who are considering a self-directed path away from addiction. You will find the podcast of this episode below.

Press play to listen to the podcast edition of this episode:

Since moving to Rayong two months ago, I’ve been able to go walking on Mae Ramphung Beach each evening. I absolutely love it, and it has become something to look forward to after a day staring at the computer screen. I walk for at least 90 minutes, and for most of the way I’m barefoot and moving through water. It is incredibly relaxing. It does not matter how I’m feeling when I first arrive for my walk because I always leave in a good mood.

I’m becoming familiar with the sights and sounds of Mae Ramphung, but the beach looks different every time I visit. It’s going to be fascinating to see how it changes over the year. The beach is at its most beautiful when the tide because then there is miles of almost-unspoilt sand. Mae Ramphung is less attractive when the tide is in because the small stretch of sand that is left is mostly covered in junk. On the weekdays the beach can be practically empty, but it can get really busy at the weekends and bank holidays.

Walking with my Father on the Beach

I haven’t always appreciate beach walking. I grew up beside the sea, so it was just something that I just took for granted. My dad loved walking, and he would expect me to go with him for long treks along the beach. I looked upon this as a chore, and there were times when I resented having to go with him. It is only now, many years later, that I can see that these were among the most precious times we had together. My father would use these walks as a chance to share his views on life, but at the time I mistook this for lecturing.

I can now see that there is something really special about walking beside the sea. Maybe it has to do with being so close to something so vast and powerful – it puts my life into perspective. The movement of the waves has a calming effect on my mind, and the sea air is invigorating. Most of the people who I see while walking on the beach are smiling, and this only adds to the feeling of rightness. I think humans need to connect with nature on a regular basis and these walks are a great way to do that.

Mae Ramphung Beach Has Healed My Eyesight

One of the unexpected outcomes of my evening walks is that it appears to have improved my eyesight. I no longer need to use glasses when working on the computer. I’m not suggesting that anything miraculous has happened, but I think it has something to do with how the eyes work. I remember reading somewhere that computer screens are damaging because we are constantly focused on something close to our eyes. My walks on Mae Ramphung mean that my eyes have the chance to focus on objects further away – so it must be counterbalancing the effects of staring at the computer all day, and this is causing my eyesight to improve.

My First Morning Walk

My work schedule is a bit messed up at the moment, so I decided to go for a walk first thing this morning. There was a bit of light rain, but there was a lovely cool wind. I’m hoping that walking in the morning will improve my concentration, but I’ll see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just return to walking in the evening.

I occasionally get positive feedback from readers of the blog suggesting that I should feel proud of my achievements. I can understand where these people are coming from, but I must admit that I don’t really feel proud about any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel a deep sense of gratitude for how well my life has turned out. It is just that I don’t feel that this has been due to my own efforts. It sort of feels like the universe keeps on pushing me into doing the right things, so what is there for me to feel proud about?

My Achievements in Life

My life has been an incredible journey so far, and I’ve experienced some great highs and some real lows. My biggest fuck-ups have occurred at those times when I’ve tried to micro-manage my life, when I felt like I was in charge, and my biggest successes have occurred when I’ve let go of this control. I’m a terrible judge when it comes to deciding what is best for me, but when I just allow my life to unfold, I’m always delighted with the results. It seems odd to take credit for my achievements when all that I’ve done is get out of the way of whatever forces govern this life.

I don’t make any effort to not feel pride in my achievements – it just doesn’t enter my thinking. I’m not feigning modesty in the hope that other people will say nice things about me. I just don’t do pride, and I definitely don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything because of it. The reality is that this feeling of pride would come with a heavy price – it would mean once again taking on that incredible burden of believing that it is my job to sort out the universe. I already know that I suck at that job, so I want nothing to do with it.

Letting go means eliminating most of the worry from my life. I still get days when this worry creeps back, but it is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I don’t know how this all works, I don’t need to know, but when I just trust the universe to take care of things my life keeps moving in a positive direction. I allow the universe to guide me through my intuition – I take the action that is indicated, and I don’t worry about the results of this.

Giving up Alcohol is Nothing to Feel Proud About
I remember somebody once said to me that giving up an addiction was nothing to feel proud about – it just meant that I’d stopped being a waste of space. I felt hurt and angry at the time, but there is definitely at least some truth in what they said. No human is a waste of space, but it is true that I did not end my addiction through my own efforts. I spent years fighting alcohol, even during my dry spells I was still fighting it, but the addiction ended when I stopped fighting. I gave up trying to control my alcohol intake, and the universe guided me to safety.

I’m so grateful for my life today, but it really feels like I got here despite of me and not because of me. How can I feel proud of my achievements when the universe had to drag me kicking and screaming all the way?

I’ve always had a problem with just accepting things on the basis of faith or authority. I used to believe that my tendency to pick away at things until they fell apart was a character fault, but I now see that it is my most valuable asset. My skepticism has brought me to a place in life where I’m completely comfortable with doubt and uncertainty. I’m happy to enjoy the mystery of life, and I no longer feel the need to believe in things just to make me feel better. I don’t need religion or even science to give my life purpose. When it comes to the big questions – such as the meaning of life, the existence of God, and life after death – I’m comfortable with admitting that I just don’t know. I’ve given up on these questions because they don’t need to be answered in order for me to find inner peace.

Spiritual Skepticism

I’ve talked on here before about spiritual skepticism .This is the path that I’ve chosen for myself. I should point out that this approach to life has very little in common with the modern skeptical movement – I’m only interested in skepticism as it applies to my own beliefs, and I’ve no desire to police the beliefs of other people. I view all beliefs as being potentially dangerous, so I try to treat them like sticks of dynamite – this means that I try to hold onto any beliefs I have lightly. .

I do assume that there exists some type of ultimate truth, but I’m not convinced that humans will ever be able to comprehend this truth fully. It is beneficial for me to get as close to this truth as possible though – in my experience this leads to real inner contentment, and it obliterates fear. It is my understanding that all beliefs act as filters on the world, so all they really do is make the truth more elusive. I don’t see how it is possible to get closer to the truth by believing in things that we can never know for sure are true. This is not to say that religion or science is lacking value – only that they may be poor tools for getting me closer to the truth.

Getting Rid of Excess Baggage

I don’t view spiritual skepticism as a form of seeking. It is just an attempt to live my life more truthfully. It is not about believing in anything, but all about getting rid of the beliefs that have been getting in the way of my life. It is an honest attempt to look at things to see what is really there. It is not about seeking altered states of consciousness or trying to rise above the common herd. Spiritual skepticism has helped me see that nothing special has to happen in order for me to be happy – it is all about trying to love what is. If I’m feeling whimsical, I can imagine that I’m following in the footsteps of Socrates who claimed that the only thing he knew for sure was that he knew nothing.

It is easy for me to look back on my years of drunkenness, and to condemn myself for being a complete fool and a waster. The fact is though, that hindsight distorts reality because it means judging my past actions on what I know now. In other words, it’s kind of bullshit because I obviously didn’t know then what I know now. It is unfair of me to believe that I turned to alcohol at fifteen because of stupidity. The truth is that this was the best option available to me at the time, and I daresay that the same might apply to many people who end up falling into addiction.

Alcohol Helped Me Cope with Life

My parent’s marriage fell apart in a spectacular fashion when I was fifteen years old. Alcohol helped me cope with this reality. I’m not saying that it was my parent’s fault that I became a drunk – that’s not it at all- my real problem was that I didn’t have the inner resources to deal with that reality, and I’m not sure if anyone can be blamed for this. At first I tried to keep a handle on things by turning to meditation and martial arts, but these activities were at best only short-term distractions. My life spiraled out of control, and I did not feel able to cope at all. Suicide seemed to be the only way out for me until I realized that alcohol offered another way for me to escape.

I’ve no problem comprehending the motives that led me on a path to addiction. When I first began using alcohol it seemed to be offering everything that I ever wanted. It made me feel brave, and I no longer felt out of control. It gave me confidence. I loved the idea of walking through life in an alcohol fog. It felt like I’d been given a free pass in life – nothing could touch me. The only thing that I couldn’t understand was why everyone else wasn’t doing the same thing.

I continued to use alcohol even after the negatives effects of this behavior far outweighed the benefits. This was partly due to the fact that I’d developed a physical addiction, but this was certainly not the only reason. I continued to use alcohol because I didn’t have any better option – it was a case of, ‘it is better the devil you know’. I kept on looking for a way out of my problems, but none of these paths seemed to take me to where I wanted to go. It was only when I was able to find my own path that a full recovery became possible.

Why the Drugs Don’t Work

I don’t beat myself up for becoming a drunk. For all I know, things could have gone a lot worse for me if I hadn’t found a way to self-medicate my pain. The way I see it, alcohol was the best option open to me at that time in my life, but it turned out to be a lousy remedy in the long-run.

Alcohol is a drug, and it works by creating a temporary cushion between me and reality. It produces the illusion of coping but all that is really happening is avoidance. The problems are still there festering in the background, and it is impossible to stay numb to them forever. Reality refuses to be ignored, and it is able to find the cracks in any wall that we have built between ourselves and it.

I turned to alcohol to escape reality, but my problems had very little to do with reality. It was an easy mistake for me to make. At that time in my life, I didn’t understand that reality is always subjective and that it was my beliefs about the world that were the real source of my pain. It would never have occurred to me that all I needed to do was to abandon some bullshit beliefs about myself as these were the real cause of my suffering. I was incapable of understanding what I know now, and it wasn’t simply a case of lack of knowledge. It is a strange paradox, but it seems that I needed to suffer in order to discover that I never needed to suffer.

I know one thing: that I know nothing
Socrates

In this video I discuss the dangers of mental masturbation. I can waste an excessive amount of time thinking about things even though there is no answer for me to find. Mental masturbation is not only a time-waster but it can also be a means to sabotage my own inner peace. Press play to watch the video. You will find the podcast of this edition below:

Press play to listen to the podcast:

I’ve no doubt that Alcoholics Anonymous does a great deal of good in the world– I’ve seen it first-hand. This recovery path has worked for many people, and it is wonderful that these individuals have been able to break free of the miserable life of a drunk. The founder of AA, Bill W., is one of my heroes, and I would never try to discourage anyone from trying out the meetings. I do not personally subscribe to most of the tenets of this group, but I don’t have any interest in AA-bashing just for the sake it. I do think that it is important to talk about the more dangerous aspects of this program though, so that people who are experiencing difficulties with this group do not feel alone.

The Philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous Supports Addiction

The principles of Alcoholics Anonymous can be used to support addiction as well as recovery. I attended my first AA meeting at 18 years of age, and it came as a bit of a relief to find that I had this disease called alcoholism. It meant that for the next 17 years, I had the perfect excuse for my fuck-ups – of course I’m drinking, I’m an alcoholic. The philosophy of AA supported my behaviour because it was made clear to me that I needed to hit rock bottom before I’d be ready to quit. There were many times when I felt desperate to stop drinking, but I didn’t want to return to the meetings – AA members told me that this was a sign that I wasn’t really ready and that I should keep on drinking until I could fully accept the program. I now look back on this advice as not only bad but possibly even abusive.

The other way that this program supported my behaviour was by making relapse appear so natural. After all, I would always be just a recovering alcoholic, and the best I could hope for was staying sober one day at a time. At one point I managed to stay sober in AA for two years, but I never really felt free during this time – the old timers constantly reminded me that all I had was a daily reprieve that was dependent on my willingness to go to meetings and follow the program. I obediently went to a meeting almost every day for that two year period, but I still ended up back drinking. I didn’t feel too bad about my downfall though because I’d been told that alcoholism is a relapsing disease. It would be too cynical to claim that AA created the rehab revolving door syndrome, but it doesn’t seem to have done much to undermine it.

Alcoholics Anonymous is Oversold

The thing that worries me the most about the Alcoholics Anonymous program is that it is too heavily promoted. The members of this group can be very passionate, and the zeal by which they promote this approach can border on fanaticism. I was repeatedly told over the years that AA was my only hope of recovery, and there are still parts of the world where this is the only show in town. The success rate for this group is far from impressive (mind you, the same could be said for all addiction treatments), so to tout it as some type of miracle cure is disingenuous. It may be the best recovery approach for some people, but it is certainly not the best approach for everyone. It is horrible to feel ready to quit alcohol and to be told that AA is the only viable option, and to know that this option will not work for you. How may chances of recovery have been lost due to this shitty advice?

Alcoholics Anonymous, Circular Reasoning, and Group Think

Alcoholics can engage in a dangerous form of group think. There is this ‘us and them’ mentality, and members are encouraged to think of themselves as this special group with special problems. This feeling of having a unique set of problems can border on the ridiculous – I’ve heard people in Alcoholics Anonymous suffering from the common cold who talk as if they have some type of special alcoholic’s cold.

Those who follow the AA program can feel threatened by any type of criticism, and they sometimes seem more interested in defending AA than in helping alcoholics. I can’t remember ever meeting even one member of that group who was willing to suggest any other option than the meetings. This is all made to seem acceptable by using some fancy circular reasoning – if you are an alcoholic your only real hope is AA, but if you manage to get sober without AA you were never a real alcoholic to begin with.

Alcoholics Anonymous as a Refuge for Dangerous People

One of the nice things about Alcoholic’s Anonymous is that it is open to anyone. The downside of this is that there are plenty of dangerous people hanging around, and it is relatively easy for these individuals to gain positions of power over the vulnerable newcomer. It is expected that old timers are treated with respect but some of these guys are as fucked up as the people they are trying to help. Too many of them act as if they are on some type of power-trip, and there are even some of this guys who use their position to gain sexual favours from newcomers. The only requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking, and the only requirement for winning respect in the meetings is the ability to say the right things.

Alcoholics Anonymous Does Work for Some People

Despite all of the dangers I’ve listed here, I still feel that this approach to recovery will work for at least some people. I’m glad that the meetings are there for those who need them. I think that AA suffers from problems that all large groups sharing a belief system end up having to deal with. Bill W. created the 12 traditions to help members avoid some of the most common pitfalls associated with this type of fellowship, but it is probably not possible to remove all the dangers.

In this video I discuss my experiences of dealing with depression in recovery. I’ve had plenty of times in my life where I felt completely crippled because of my low mood, but I now feel that I’ve found an effective way to deal with these symptoms. Press play to watch the video, and you will find the podcast of this edition below.

Press play to listen to the podcast:

I’ve lots of opinions about addiction. It is subject that I feel passionate about, and it is the reason for why I first began blogging six years ago. Addiction is no longer a part of my life today, but it was for two painful decades. I trained and worked as a nurse, and this gave me a different perspective on the problem, but it is my personal experiences of being a drunk that influences my current thinking on the subject. I feel compelled to talk on this topic, but I do sometimes worry that my views could have a negative impact on people in need of help – especially as many of my ideas would be considered unorthodox (or just plain wrong) by experts in the recovery community.

More Than One Path Away from Addiction

My views on addiction have come from personal experiences. I don’t subscribe to the ‘disease model’, and I’m not convinced that the medicalisation of this type of problem is necessarily a good thing. I managed to break away from addiction, and build a wonderful life, by ignoring the advice of the experts. I worry, that for at least some of us, the traditional approaches may do more harm than good – it may also be part of the reason for why addiction problems seem to be on the increase. There is no one treatment for addiction that works for everyone, and none of the current approaches has a high enough success rate to be able to claim any type of monopoly over recovery. There are many paths away from addiction, and this is why I feel it is justifiable for me to add my voice to the mix.

I have faith in people to be able to figure out things for themselves. I provide my opinions, but it is up to the reader to make up their own minds about what I’m saying. I feel it is important for people like me, who decided to go it alone in recovery, to share their experiences. The goal is not to sow doubt in the minds of people who are happy with an approach like Alcoholics Anonymous, but to provide hope to those who would struggle with that approach. There were many people who tried to convince me that my options were to return to AA or die, and they almost had me completely convinced. One of the great things about the internet is that it is now relatively easy for people to access alternative opinions, and this can mean that they never have to feel as hopeless and alone as I once did.

Sharing My Thoughts on Addiction

I respond to the worry that my writing could have a negative impact on some readers by reminding myself that I’m not that important. The readers of this blog are unlikely to be children, so I don’t have to treat them that way. I will continue to share my thoughts on addiction until I run out of things to say, or until I receive a ‘cease and desist’ letter that would have legal power in Thailand