The Founder of Alcoholics Anonymous Asked for Whiskey on His Death Bed

In the biography My Name Is Bill Susan Cheever reveals how the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous asked for alcohol shortly before his death. At the time he was losing his battle against chronic emphysema and only had days to live. It is reported the he asked for whisky on four separate occasions, but it was never given to him. It appears that protecting the legacy of the man who founded Alcoholics Anonymous was more important than comfort during his last hours. Bill Wilson’s requests for whiskey were recorded in the notes by the nurse taking care of him.

I personally find it a bit deplorable that Bill W. was not given alcohol when he requested it. I have experience working as a nurse in palliative care, and I have seen how tough the process of dying can be. People can be terrified so anything that can give them some comfort is welcome. The only reason that I can see why Bill W. was denied his dying request was an attempt to protect his image and the image of the program he created. These are not good justifications in my mind. He had already made it to the end of his life so what difference did it make if he drank again? It wasn’t like he was going to go on a drunken rampage or damage his liver. It just bothers me that this man who had helped so many was denied some final comfort and for what?

If I Ask For Whiskey on My Deathbed Please Give It to Me

I have no plans to ask for whiskey on my deathbed, but if I do it should be given to me. I intend to leave this world completely sober because I want to fully observe the process – even if it is only blinking out into nothingness. The reality is though, that we have no idea how we are going to react to dying until we are facing it. Ram Dass talks about this in the documentary Fierce Grace . He devoted decades to spiritual training but he still felt overwhelmed when faced with own death – this was when he was having his stroke. Dying is not an easy thing.

I was recently interviewed by a journalist from the Chiang Mai City Life magazine about my experiences of addiction in Thailand. I’m always grateful for the opportunity to talk about myself so thanks Grace. I do recommend that people read this article Staying Sober in Thailand.

The Expert View of Thamkrabok

The one thing that really caught my attention in this article was the views of Simon Mott – an addiction expert. In particular his claim;

“This practice may be more beneficial for Thai people who are spiritually linked to Buddhism, also especially if they continue to live as a monk after treatment. However, it is vital to find and deal with the root of the problem causing addiction, which is better sought through psychology, counselling, and cognitive behavioural therapy. It is important to examine the way people think about things, and try to adapt thinking patterns to heal addictions.”

I must admit that his comments have irked me. Mott does not appear to know much about the temple yet he feels qualified to make blanket statements. I do not pretend to act as a spokesperson for Thamkrabok but most of the ex-patients I’ve met have already tried the therapies he has suggested. I entered my first treatment facility and nineteen and had twenty years of psychology, counseling, and CBT – these methods did not work for me, but I found success at Thamkrabok.

I would love to know on what basis Mott is making his claim “This practice may be more beneficial for Thai people who are spiritually linked to Buddhism, also especially if they continue to live as a monk after treatment”. Buddhism was hardly mentioned during my stay and most of the people who establish a solid sobriety afterwards do not live the life of a monk. I certainly don’t live this life anyway.

More Than One Solution

I’m sure that the therapies Mott endorses do help many addicts. I’m not going to say here it will be better for people to go to Thamkrabok. It seems reasonable to assume that there is no one solution that suits everyone. It is obvious though, that the western approach is failing too many people so to insist that ‘more of the same’ is the way to go sounds stupid to me. This point was made clear by a report provided by the National Health Executive in the UK last year called Addicted to the Status Quo. It concluded that ‘Current treatments options are limited and substantially rest within a symptom management model’.

There is not yet enough scientific research into the efficacy of Thamkrabok. Groups such as East-West Detox are working to get some studies completed, but it is a hugely problematic thing to judge. This means that any claims that recovery is “better sought through psychology, counselling, and cognitive behavioural therapy” is based on zero evidence. It bugs me when experts dismiss those therapies that they do not understand and that could be of benefit to many people. To keep on insisting that these individuals return to those therapies that have already failed them sounds ridiculous to me. To be honest, it bugs the shit out of me.

Reasons to be Cheerful Now

There are so many good things in my life at the moment. The problem is that too much of my thinking is devoted to the things I’d like to have. I’m never really satisfied because of an inner compulsion to keep moving the goal posts; the life that will really make me happy is always over the next hill. John Lennon described the situation perfectly when he lamented that, life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans – he got that one right for sure.

When I examine my current situation there is not much to complain about. Amazingly the Bangkok floods seem to have missed our house, and things are going well with work. I’ve got a wonderful wife, and my son is still at that golden age where almost everything he does is cute. This really could be as good as it gets and there is no shame in that. When I gave up my alcohol addiction five and a half years ago I never expected any of this; just not waking up every day feeling like shit would have been enough for me then.

If these are the best days of my life then I jolly well better get my act together and appreciate them a bit more. It is just hard to avoid being mentally sucked into the future. Meditation helps a lot but even with this I can be striving to reach some goal in the future. The only thing I have is now so to keep on pushing it away is just mental.

I’ve always been a bit of a soul-searcher. I do not have a religion as such, but on most days I would consider myself to be a philosophical Buddhist. What I mean by this is that there are many ideas in Buddhism that make sense to me. If one day these ideas stop making sense to me I’ll abandon them without a second thought. I even search the web for criticism of Buddhism, because I want to keep an open mind. In many ways my worldview is similar to the atheist, but I do not consider myself to be an atheist. I respect other believers too much for that, and there is much about atheism that makes me uncomfortable.

The Things I Believe In

I know that some people find it distasteful to discuss personal beliefs, but this blog has always been about me being open and honest about myself. I have no urge to convert anyone else to my worldview because there is a good chance that many of my ideas are wrong. Some of the things I believe in would be considered Buddhist but others would not:

- I think it is important to respect other people’s beliefs. I dislike the arguments of intellectual bullies who try to belittle the belief system of other people. Just because somebody is clever at debating it does not make them right. Trying to convert other people to a religion/philosophy is the opposite of respecting their beliefs.
- I suspect that nobody really knows the truth about ultimate reality. This includes scientists; just because scientific endeavor has been successful does not mean that it is ultimately right.
- I am agnostic about what happens to people after they die. I do not believe that anyone has ever made it past the barrier of death and then come back again to talk about it. A ‘near death experience’ is just that – it isn’t an after-death experience.
- I do not think it is important that the Buddha existed. All that matters is that his philosophy has some interesting things to say on how to make it through life. If the Buddha did exist then I do not believe he was any type of god.
- I am also agnostic about rebirth/ reincarnation. I’ve had meditation experiences that suggest it could be true, but that could all just be my vivid imagination. The idea of an individual soul moving from one life to the next does not make sense to me. The Buddhist idea of rebirth (this happens without a soul) is more likely, but I’m not convinced. I do believe in rebirth in one sense; everything that makes up a human will be recycled after they die.
- I’m convinced that the sense of self is illusionary.
- My own personal theory is that awareness (not consciousness) is a separate force in the universe. Wherever the right conditions exist then this awareness will arise. I like the idea of humans being similar to waves on the ocean; after they die they return to the ocean.
- I do believe in kamma/ karma; all actions do have consequences. If people do the right things then the right things will tend to happen. This is not to say that when bad things happen to people it is because they were bad. I see kamma as a value free force that is highly complex in nature. It is too simplistic to say that A causes B because there will be many factors involved in each effect.
- I’m convinced that it is possible for humans to become enlightened. This does not have to be anything magical; it just means seeing things a lot more clearly. People develop many internal filters that allow them to make sense of the world; enlightenment occurs when these filters are removed. I am not enlightened so the possibility of it occurring is a leap of faith on my part.
- I believe that meditation is a way to dampen down the filters that prevent people from clearly seeing reality.
- Spending more time thinking (positively) about other people leads to true happiness. This is an area of my life I need to work on.

Vomiting at Thamkrabok

I happened to catch to catch the end of radio program on the BBC World Service this morning. They were talking about Thamkrabok so of course this grabbed my attention. I am a graduate of this Thai addition treatment temple. I will always be grateful to this special place because it gave me more than just my life back; I now have a life worth living. I’d been through numerous treatment programs in the west, but nothing worked until I went to Thamkrabok.

There Could be No Thamkrabok Styled Addiction Treatment In The West

I doubt it would ever be possible to have a Thamkrabok style treatment facility in Europe or North America. It is just too outlandish when compared to your average addiction treatment program that you get there. The secret herbal drug that is given to patients would need to be carefully scrutinized; it would take years to win approval by drug regulatory boards – if it ever could win approval. These is also sure to be an outcry if the public heard that addicts were being asked to take a medicine that makes them violently sick. I suspect that is such a temple were to open it would be closed in days.

Another stumbling block for such a treatment facility is that it doesn’t fit in with the most popular view of addiction – the disease model. At Thamkrabok the addict is just somebody who made some wrong choices in life. Once they can find their way back onto a more fulfilling path the need to abuse these substances falls away. There is no requirement for this person to attend any meetings for the rest of their life; although some do join 12 step groups. The only requirement is that they give up their addiction and live their life. They don’t have a disease so they don’t need the help of medical professions.

The philosophy of Thamkrabok also clashes with the idea that relapse is a normal part of recovery. You can only go to the temple once for addiction treatment; there is no revolving door policy. This is because you need to make a sajja; a vow to never use these substances again. It is not possible to make the vow twice – it wouldn’t be much of a vow if you could. I’ve spoken to addiction specialists and quite a few of them are alarmed at this lack of a second chance. I disagree with them. I don’t see relapse as normal – it means you have ‘fucked up’.

Listening to an Addiction Expert Talk about Thamkrabok

I spent two decades listening to experts tell me how to beat my addiction. I’ve no doubt that these folk were trying to help me, but in the end it was a group of monks who provided the answer. Of course you could say that I was just ready, but I feel that it was a lot more than this.

Since the middle of the twentieth century the treatment of drunks and druggies has become increasingly a part of medicine. This is an improvement on just treating addicts as bad people, but it has also led to new problems. Maybe the treatment of addiction has become a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

The addiction expert on the BBC this morning expressed his doubts about the effectiveness of the temple. Not because he had any proof, but because he didn’t see how such a treatment could fit in with his way of thinking. He doubted the statistical evidence of the success rates provided by East-West detox; not because of the methodology used, but because the figures were better than those for a typical western detox.

I admire greatly the work of those who are trying to add some scientific credibility to Thamkrabok, but I sometimes wonder if trying to play by the rules of the west will prove successful in the end. Some cures don’t fit so comfortably with western medicine, but this doesn’t mean they are invalid. Thamkrabok temple could never exist in the west, but I’m just so grateful that it is here in Thailand. I’m also happy that it is open to all.

Ambivalence Kills

Most addicts die from ambivalence – that’s what I think. For years I battled with two competing urges in my mind; the compulsion to keep on drinking and a desperate urge to stop. These two incompatible ideas managed to live uncomfortable in my head for two decades. For most of that time it was the urge to drink that demanded most of my attention; it was the other urge that saved me though.

The explanation for my escape from addiction isn’t hard to understand. The urge to live became so strong that it overpowered the compulsion to self-destruct. I really do think it is that simple – I say ‘think’ here because it wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve deluding myself.

Why Me?

The real question then is why did my desire to live become strong enough to overpower my addiction? I put this down to seeds that were planted in my childhood. There were times during my formative years when my mind felt at peace; particularly during a period when I was practicing martial arts. This wasn’t enough to stop me falling into addiction, but the memory remained powerful. I knew for a fact that there could be a satisfactory life without the booze – this made all the difference.

It was this desire to recapture a healthy state of mind that fed my desire for recovery. I failed at one treatment option after another, but I never gave up completely. Two years before I finally became sober I spent a month meditating in a Thai temple. I experienced the most intense feelings of mental well-being in my life at that time. I returned to alcohol but this experience, along with the seeds planted years before, turned out to be enough to bring me to a final solution. This meant that I had the motivation to get the most from Thamkrabok – the Buddhist temple where I finally quit.

Why Some People Never Escape Addiction

Some addicts just don’t seem ever manage to develop a strong enough urge to quit. Maybe they have just never had those experiences that show what is possible with a clear mind; hearing about it is not enough, you need to experience it. The internal urge to self-destruct just never meets its match – it eventually gets its way.

Saudi Arabia Makes an Alcoholic Feel at Home

In the weeks before my move to Saudi I’d been told that my liver had been damaged. My body had finally begun to show the signs of chronic alcohol abuse. I’d already accepted a job as a nurse in Riyadh so the news of my struggling body part didn’t bother me that much – it was all under control. I’d spent over a decade trying to defeat my addiction, and Saudi now seemed like the last treatment option available. My plan appeared flawless; what could go wrong? Even the most determined alcoholic wouldn’t be able to do much damage in a country where the stuff was banned. I felt certain that given a year or two in the desert my liver would be once again ready for battle.

I wasn’t the only drunkard who saw Saudi as their exit strategy. Just before I arrived there had been another guy who had drunk himself to death in the land of no beer. His liver packed in and he developed a condition known as esophageal varices; this is where you drown on your own blood. His story scared the shit out of me, but it didn’t stop me drinking. The more worried I became the more I’d need to drink to calm my nerves.

Bye Bye Saudi Arabia and Thanks For All The Beers

I bailed out on my Saudi contract a few months before it was due to expire. I was holidaying in Vietnam at the time. I just knew that if I returned I’d drink myself to death. There were other factors involved, and I talk about these in my book Dead Drunk. I just knew that nothing good was going to come of my return to Riyadh. A few days later I ended up in Thailand, and this is where I’ve remained ever since.

Perhaps it is unfair of me to blame Saudi for offering such an awful alcohol rehabilitation program; after all, the never advertised their country as such. They do publically flog and stick people in prison for even smelling of drink, but this isn’t enough of a deterrent. It must be hard for such zealots to understand why alcoholics would risk all this for their favorite tipple. My advice for anyone considering Saudi as their next recovery option would be to look elsewhere – talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire.

The Addiction and Recovery Podcast Epsiode 48 is the audio from this video

My Staunch Support for Recovery Groups

I managed to stay sober for 2 years during my twenties with the help of AA. I’ll always be thankful for the support this group gave me, but my enthusiasm for the organisation verged on the extreme. I then believed any recovering drunk who was not a member of the fellowship wasn’t really sober. I now almost blush at this arrogance. I just could not imagine a successful recovery for people who followed a different path than mine. I was like one of those overly religious folk who are convinced that whoever doesn’t follow their interpretation of the way is damned to eternal torment.

During this time I lived in a Dry House – this is a step down from a rehab and you stay there long-term. I shared this home with five other ex-drunks and most of my housemates had no interest in AA. I spent many hours trying to convert them to the fellowship. I felt certain that if they didn’t go it was only a matter of time before they relapsed. At the time I genuinely thought that I was helping. I wanted their life in recovery to be as wonderful as mine.

Despite my feelings of smugness way it was I who had the shaky recovery. I ended up drinking again; even though I attended meetings every day for almost two years. I am not blaming AA for this. It was my decision after all. My point is that belonging to a recovery support group is no guarantee of anything. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some people do very well without them. In my own case sobriety feels stronger and more enjoyable than it ever did when I attended meetings every day. I have more than doubled my time sober by doing it alone than I did as part of a group. So for me the idea of a group being necessary has been completely disproved .

More Than One Way to Stay Sober

I am not trying to be disrespectful to any members of AA or any other support group here. I believe there is plenty of room for all methods of recovery. I would like to suggest though, that while our own recovery method may be the best one for us, it does not necessarily mean that it is the best one for everyone else. I would never dissuade somebody from joining a recovery support group, but I also wouldn’t try and talk them out of going it alone. If it works it works and that is all that should matter at the end of the day.

I am happy in my recovery and really don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything by not belonging to a recovery support group. It is possible to make it alone and for some of us it may even be preferable.

Today is the fifth anniversary of my admission to Thamkrabok temple. In my book Dead Drunk I described the wreck of a man I was back then. My life today is so different. It is humbling to consider how far I’ve come – too often I forget this. Sometimes it just feels that those years of pain belong to somebody else.

I went to a Buddhist temple with just the hope of stopping the pain. I’d already wasted two decades of my life on an alcohol addiction and suspected that I’d months to live if I didn’t stop. Not only was my liver damaged but my mental health was hitting a real low. Thamkrabok gave me so much more than just an end to my pain. I will always be grateful to those monks who helped me back then. Two of these wonderful people have since died; I remember with gratitude Phra Hans and Phra Gordon.