Paulina Berger

2011-10-07T22:16:00.000-04:00

So I've gotten used to the idea of putting dreams on hold for a long time. I was hoping to be in France by October, but I wasn't able to save enough for the ticket.

I've also put on hold the yoga immersions. Something always seems to get in the way.

I guess dream no #6. won't happen for a while now.

I'll have to come up with something within closer reach

a tougher road

2011-09-18T08:55:00.002-04:00

Being a painter is 10x harder than being an actor....

I give up

Seriously...

Ok that was a little dramatic. Let me rephrase what I meant....

Art, in any form, is a tougher road than anything predictable. It's personal and subjective. I've spent most of the year working on a body of work that tells a story about who I am. My art probably doesn't belong in a gallery based on it's infantile technique, but it belongs in spaces where art is appreciated. I probably went overboard with the size of some of the pieces (48x60) but I needed to explore a little more of the action part of painting.

We can either spend most of our lives thinking and planning for whatever it is we dream of, or we can step out of our comfort zone and take action. I guess that's partially how the pieces came to being. I didn't sketch anything, I looked at a picture and just did it. I could think about it for days at a time...but I realized that thinking about the process would only hinder the creative flow. Each piece is about movement and flow; a constant motion of the action of being. The action of painting.

Stepping from creating to then "selling" is something that I still struggle with. I like giving my art away, but yea, I kind of have to pay rent and eat. I wish I could do this for the rest of my life, but reality says otherwise...and I have no choice but to accept it and carry on. Carry on with some lame-ass job that'll get to me every Tuesday but I'll remind myself that it's ok, I have to survive in this materialistic world.

Oh money. How I wish you were inexistent. We would all be able to really live at our utmost potential if you weren't in the way sometimes. Indeed. So as artists I guess we have to settle for the lame-ass jobs that'll pay the bills...and somehow, along the way, figure out a time during the day to purse the hobbies. Shitty thing to do really, to settle - only because there is absolutely nothing else that we can do.

2011-09-06T19:06:00.000-04:00

September is always a month of revelations for me. Always. The unexpected comes around and it's where things change rapidly.

September is forever a month that I'm forced to remember

This month is planning out to be pretty interesting. Work aside, I've been writing about the art show coming up. But speaking of work. September is when I'll figure out what's going on with the ship life I left not too long ago. Do I want to go back?

Part of me does. Part of me really wants to get away from the city....the other part of me doesn't. I'd like to stay in Toronto and start building some roots here. I've been in Canada for 14 years now and I dislike how easily I can detach from this place. Guatemala on the other hand I didn't let go of completely. It's hard to really....

It took me 14 years to adjust to living here (I still haven't) - but when I left last year for work, I wrapped everything in 3 days. 3 days...I was amazed by how easily Canada let me go.

After 14 years, 14 bloody years you'd think that I'd miss the country if I went away. I miss my parents and my sister of course. They're the reason why I'm here. It's funny...I'm willing to tough it out here serving coffee or working in a job that I absolutely detest just to be near them. That's the power of love right?

The power of love is enough to make you go above and beyond for somebody else for sure. Love makes you do funny things. Obviously stupid things too.

I'd like to write a letter to my parents and my sister one day...see, this year I really understood what unconditional love really means. It's because of how much I love them that I am here right now, sitting alone in a little apartment, typing down my thoughts. I've been fighting like a motherflocker this year for sure. Carrying on. I think I would've given up a long time ago. When I was 16 I thought the same way...Cancun made me fall in love with something all over again. I keep on swimming. I promised my mom I would always swim along...

And while I may lack things to show for....I can say that at 27, I learned that nothing, absolutely nothing matters in life. I've given meaning to the things that matter to me.

So if I stay here, it'll be for a reason. If I go, it'll be for a reason too. I spent 14 years hoping to find a reason to say...my parents and sister are one. But maybe September will bring me another reason. Fuck. It can go both ways. Either it'll show me a reason to stay, or give me 30 reasons to leave again.

2011-09-03T14:22:00.000-04:00

My apartment: is officially a mess. I can't store all of my paintings in my closet because of humidity. Here's the mess I've been able to accumulate so far:

There's still 2 more 48x60 in the closet. I have company over in a bit and believe me, I was cleaning the little apartment. I hope the show goes well. Maybe these paintings are my ticket to Europe again...

2011-09-01T21:37:00.001-04:00

3 weeks until my first show. I'm nervous, excited, and...I don't really know what to think. I've been painting relentlessly this entire summer and it's all been for these 2 weekends. 3 weeks away.

Actually no. I've been painting for the sake of painting and this great opportunity came up. I wanted to be in France in September, but I guess everything happens for a reason right? Maybe I'll get lucky and get there in October...before 30 for sure.

Last night I was talking to one of my best friends about the show. Even if this is the only show I ever do, at least I can say that I've been able to exhibit my work at some point in my life.

I hope audiences enjoy the pieces I've done.

I haven't taken any pictures yet because I've been asked to hold off on documenting until after the exhibit. I'll share as soon as I can. I feel like I'll expose myself wholeheartedly in September....each piece is so personal.

But you'll just see a nice landscape

That's the beauty of art. You might see and feel one thing, but I was experiencing something else while producing it.

More later.

Life underwater

2011-08-28T11:22:00.002-04:00

I think my next series will be based on life underwater

I went snorkeling the other day and I never thought something so simple could be so beautiful. See , I was never able to open my eyes underwater. I wore glasses since I was 9 - contacts by the time I was 9 and a half. Yep. By the time I was 13 I was legally blind....uhu, -9.0 prescription. I wasn't able to do what other kids did when they were young. While some girls worried about boyfriends, I worried that I was going to lose my sight. I used to think "well, at least it'll remove a lot of vanity. And at least I know how beautiful the world is, so the rest I can imagine."

Shit

My parents always said that the best gift they could ever give my sister and I was our education. I will not disagree, but the greatest gift they've given me has been my eyesight. I think I was 21 when I got the Interocular Lens Surgery. I didn't qualify for laser. I was at -15.0R and -13.0L. Basically, they didn't even make contacts for that number. So, althought I love and treasure my education - I can see again. THAT's been the best gift that anyone could ever give me.

But my vision shifted a bit. NOW I qualify for laser...and I will get it done. Regardless, I'm still able to see the world. Maybe that's why I see the world the way I do. But to this day, if anything were to happen...I can say I've seen the world on land and underwater.

I learned a lot in this trip. I need to live near water. I really do. For some reason when I'm in a city I don't feel as alive as I do when I'm barefoot on the ocean. I know it's not reality, but even just seeing the water makes me feel a little bit more alive vs. seeing a building. I feel like it's never enough in city. Like I'M never enough. I was sad to come back to Toronto.

But I know, a vacation is a vacation and it's meant to be different than your life. I think a healthy balance between the 3rd world and the 1st is Europe. I've been told that perfection doesn't exist but Europe comes pretty damn close to it.

I want to move to France...I want to learn French. So I'm putting it out there: "hey universe, I want to live in France. I'll do whatever it takes, but I trust that you will take me there regardless"

It's a beautiful dream really

Beauty

2011-08-23T22:42:00.002-04:00

It's places like these that make me realize how I belong near water. Or better yet, how Much I truly long to move away from a big city.

In a heartbeat I'll move to Europe...or anywhere else for that matter. I guess being in Mexico this week has taught me many lessons. The biggest one I think is a realization of what truly makes me feel alive. When I'm in Toronto I feel defeated. Or dead for that matter. I live there to work and feel like I can never keep up with society. I feel that I can never catch up. It's never enough. I'm never enough.

I walk on the beach everyday and it all seems so simple. My state of being is left intact and I am ok with that. Mother nature doesn't want to disturb me. She lets me be. The waves guide the movement that must be followed. The elements are so basic and so present. There's nothing to distract me. No past, no relationships, no clutter. The company I'm with made sure to bring some piece of technology...hence the post. And I don't feel bad about connecting to write today. I felt like writing. and so I ask you...what makes you feel alive?

After a sh!tfilled year, I finally feel alive...and it only took being near water.

Til later,
Namaste

En route...to Cancun

2011-08-20T11:15:00.001-04:00

It feels like it's been an eternity since I took a vacation....

I'm sitting at the airport and I think this is by far the best place to people watch. It's fascinating.

I'm off for a week to Cancun. A week to do nothing. I love the idea of putting life on hold...and heading south to a beach. The truth is, there's too much going on here right now. Don't worry, all this sh!t will still be here when I get back. That's just how it goes.

Nothing really changes when you go away...ok I might miss someone giving birth or a wedding. That's really all I've missed out. People buying beautiful houses, switching jobs and falling in love. I'm clearly not on that path just yet so I part to have a coconut on the beach and this time around I'm going to swim with dolphins.

I've already said this before, but life is too precious to waste away. Work is work and it'll be forever changing. Friends I love will be home but busy when I come back. My art will be there too.

Nostalgia...either way, I'm living for experiences. I guess that's how I've managed to build my life thus far - building the self on moments and experiences. Half of have brought much joy...the other half much pain. It's been a really tough year. I need this time away from everything.

Done and done

2011-08-17T09:07:00.001-04:00

I finished the guitar last night. What a project. It's been one of the most challenging pieces thus far. Everything was a challenge. What to paint, how to paint it, and my own inferiority complex of never having gone to art school. I think I'm overcoming that a bit....a bit. Honestly not at all, but who cares I'm producing art.

This charity event on the 16th is a pretty big deal. I'm absolutely honoured to take part in such a great cause. All the proceeds are going to the Canadian Music Therapy Trust Fund and believe me, half of the time I was thinking "I really hope someone buys this and donates enough for the fund" which I know is not the best mentality...but, when it comes to charity - it kind of is? I don't know.

One of missions as an artist has always been to give back to the community which has supported me along the way. I apologize if it sounds egotistical, but I believe that I would not be the person I am right now without having been part of society. Duh, society has put forth the experiences that've build the state of being. Anyways, it's like a cycle...I paint what I paint because of how I feel - based on what I've experienced outside. It's because of the outside world that I'm able to produce work - and for some reason people keep on pushing me pursue this route. I always say "but this doesn't give me enough to eat" but when I see the joy a piece brings to someone's home...I am humbled. Carry on. I guess I'll do what I can for now, clean tables, make coffee...something, so I can explore this a bit further.

Art is therapy. I've experienced that in many ways...what Western medicine fails to recognize is how the arts can truly save individuals from extremely dark moments. Why? because people get out of their heads and into their bodies when they explore movement, painting, singing, anything other than "thinking." Unfortunately because the effects cannot be measured, people shun them out. Shame on you. I paint how and what I feel and believe me...it's a salvation.

So on September 16th - I hope this pieces brings joy to someone's home...and I hope they give enough for the Trust Fund.

Here's the guitar:

Painting for charity, painting for a show. September 2011.

2011-08-04T09:02:00.004-04:00

It's an honour to take part in a charity event being held September 16th at ARTA for the Canadian Association of Music Therapy. One of the founders of MT saw my work via a good friend and asked if I'd be interested in painting a guitar (real) to fundraise for their cause. I'm really excited, given the nature of the event and the project itself. I've been formulating how on earth to paint a 3D object. So far, so good.

The event falls on the same weekend as my first exhibit. It'll be at the Toronto Distillery District: September 16, 17, 18 and September 23, 24, 25 from 11am-6pm. Aiming for 12 pieces. So far there's five 48x60, and 3 smaller ones...looks like I have some work to do still!

Internetless

2011-06-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted something here. My sincerest apologies, but I don't have internet in my new home. To be honest, it's quite lovely being slightly disconnected.

It's soothing

2011 has been an interesting year. A year of challenges for sure. I basically surrendered to the unknown and began to change and transform everything I knew. I seek truth. I long for greater consciousness. This inner desire for spiritual growth has come at a price. Its cost me many things. Comfort, security, safety... let alone relationships amongst other things. I pray that this journey will lead me to greater growth. Then again, I also feel sad when I look back at what's left behind. But a loss is a gain and I can only open my heart for greater growth

A void means that there's an open space for something new to enter...

I guess I thought that many things would be different by now...but they aren't. And that's exactly how they're supposed to be, and as devastated as it might feel for now...it'll be ok.

It'll be ok Paulina
It'll sure as hell be ok because it has to be

MOVING

2011-06-03T22:39:00.002-04:00

...AND....it's begun. Small pace.

2 armchairs - 1 sofa bed...1 dining room table (attached to the wall, it's not big, trust me) + 2 chairs. Easel. Canvases...that's really all I can fit. I have a balcony...

June 1st

2011-05-30T08:51:00.001-04:00

Please send good vibes. I'll find out if I get into an art show....

May 23rd

2011-05-23T22:17:00.001-04:00

‎"Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do" (Voltaire)

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Where to begin?

2011-05-20T16:59:00.001-04:00

A new beginning ...everything. The house of health, wealth, relationships, home, and career...

Begin with the most important one. The house of health.

Let's move on...wealth comes in many ways. I am already a wealthy woman.

Bla bla bla...relationships are ever changing. That's a necessary constant for me.

Now it's time to rebuild home. I have about 3 paintings for my new place. The day I get my keys is the same day I find out whether I've been accepted into an art show. I hope so. I've never had difficulties with rejection, but for some reason, this show holds great meaning to me. I guess I'm afraid of hearing "yea, you didn't get in because you never went to art school, you're not a true artist." Because well, I never went to art school. I never took a painting class. That's definitely on my to-do list before 30.

Anyways, I have to make a list. Where do I begin? Thankfully my place is tiny. I don't have an individual study room, dining room, living room, bedroom...it's all 1. I do have a separate kitchen...and a neat walk-in closet. So basically: 2 forks, 2 knives, 2 spoons, 2 plates. Why get more if it's just me? "in case you get company?" ...well, it's called "disposable everything"...they have fancy ones now too. I'm rebelling too by the way - square plates vs. round.

And so, the mission to find furniture begins this weekend....at least I have the artwork....

Happy Birthday

2011-05-18T22:08:00.000-04:00

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -

But the pain of grief

Is only a shadow

When compared with the pain

Of never risking love.”

Hilary Stanton Zunin

He would have been 36 today

Beautiful waves...

2011-05-16T20:55:00.002-04:00

Check this out, it's a great link...outstanding photographs.

It makes me want to pack everything up again and head somewhere else. Wait, I will, but not yet.

Enjoy The Most Beautiful Waves Ever

‎"Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment" (Lao Tzu)

2011-05-14T22:33:00.002-04:00

Actions speak louder than words indeed. I've learn to release resentment and/or anger when I come across inconsiderate beings. Then again, who am I to label them? I didn't say "inconsiderate douchebags" so hey, cut me some slack.

At the end of the day, what goes around comes around....and I say this in the kindest way.

Douchebgas aside. I have been fortunate to meet many wonderful people throughout my journeys. Right now I'm experiencing another shift. A sense of closure is taking place with some great people. It's absolutely necessary amd it's best to detach. When given the choice of moving forward and discovering new opportunities, or remaining comfortable and knowing the outcome; I'd rather step into the uknkown before getting slapped in the face by surprise. The truth is, we might never want to chose to leave comfort behind, but life will inevitably take us there. It's only natural to close chapters and open new ones. New friends, new relationships, new spaces. It's a must.

Even if my circle is once again, reduced to a handful of loved ones.

Volcanos and Lakes = New work

2011-05-09T18:26:00.001-04:00

Massive piece. I'm doing large scale...from now on. For sure. Love the challenge, the fear...it's worthwhile for sure. I'm hoping to exhibit at an art show in September. We submitted the application today. These pieces are preview of what's to come...

Happy Anniversary

2011-05-07T20:57:00.002-04:00

"Detachment results in clarity, clarity expresses itself in love. Her heart is like a mirror, which reflects all faces, without judgement, exactly as they are" (Tao Te Ching)

Today, the 7th of May, I gloriously celebrate a date which truly holds no meaning. It means nothing at all, but my inner being is forever grateful. In love, or better said - arriving at a place of eternal love. I think? It feels like I should be celebrating 10 years, but instead it's been only two months. But now I accept and understand that everything holds no meaning because everything is nothing at all.

Damn it's tough when there's so much material clutter around me...."be sure you can pay the rent"...I'll figure it out.

I should've asked for flowers too..

But with understanding the nothing - I've been inspired. I've managed to access some inner creativity. I'm no longer afraid of jumping into large scale pieces. There seems to be an inner dance happening within. It translates into flow and movement via a $12.00 paintbrush. A new series is emerging, and I can now fully depend on someone wonderful who's encouraging this dance.

New pieces will be posted soon...this series (hopefully) will take part in an art show...

..."It's infinite, eternal.
Why is it eternal?
It was never born;
thus it can never die.
Why is it infinite?
It has no desire for itself;
thus it is present for all beings.

The Master stays behind;
that is why she is ahead.
She is detached from all things;
that is why she is one with them.
Because she has let go of herself,
she is perfectly fulfilled." (Tao Te Ching)

Safe Space...

2011-05-01T22:47:00.001-04:00

It's perfect!!! No wait, perfection does not exist, but it's exactly what I need...large windows, small kitchen, enough storage, plus a balcony. It's really safe...in so many ways. It's beautiful. The best part is that I already have the first painting: http://paulinaberger.blogspot.com/2011/04/new-work.html.

I've been praying to my angels and, although a bit "slow" (by now I've learn to be very patient), they delivered in a beautiful way. Beautiful indeed. It proves to me that despite the darkness, a beautiful light will always shine through. Always. I've also learn that any form of fear is caused by the absence of Omnipresence. "Fearlessness means faith in God: faith in his protection, His justice, His wisdom, His mercy, His love, and His Omnipresence... To be fit for Self-realization man must be fearless." (Paramahansa Yogananda)

I'm also close to a couple of yoga studios. WOOHOO!!! oh...and I'm VERY close to finishing a new piece. This will be a new series. I'm reverting back to my roots - and painting Guatemala. Lake Atitlan is the first piece. I hope to get my work into an art show in September.

As promised

2011-04-26T21:46:00.001-04:00

Lotus - Acrylic on Canvas

I miss my practice a lot...this is how I've kept it alive

New Work - to this music

2011-04-19T22:37:00.001-04:00

This is the sound that I'll immerse myself in to produce a new piece. I'll keep you posted on the progress - I saw the canvas. It's massive. I saw the colours.

I can see the image - water, blues, greens...movement...

I'm blessed to have his support. I adore him for believing in my brush strokes.

Disconnected

2011-04-18T22:22:00.001-04:00

Geeze, I've been very disconnected from this space recently. I haven't been able to take a picture of a piece I finished this past week, but I can assure you that it's lovely.

It's a lotus. A beautiful lotus. I'll bring this as soon as possible.

I miss my practice more than anything, and I'm learning how I can bring this practice with me. What I miss (at this moment) is the movement of energies. I really miss flowing with other energies. I went to an amazing space on Saturday night. A gong and crystal bowl concert...it was divine. I left at peace. I must admit, I couldn't help but wish that I could've stayed there longer...or forever perhaps. Forever would've been nice - if forever even existed.

Someone asked me what I'd include in a "protective shield" - and what came to mind was peace, bliss, purity, freedom, surrender, acceptance, trust...I can go on for hours.

How I've been I do not even know and/or understand. A part of me doesn't want to understand anything because I'm just living. Trying to live at least. A part of me is angry with this whole "experience." I'm being told that life brings wisdom and "growth" and bla bla bla - none of these things are making me money. Oh geez, how dare I even wish for the poison that's destroying society? I know I know, "money doesn't buy you happiness" - but it sure as hell can help make things a little easier. I apologize universe, but it'd be nice to get a bit of a "tangible" reward once in a while. Just sayin. I did have one today actually - I experienced it in my body. So thank you for that.

Just send some wealth - in whichever way you wish Universe. Just enough, enough to help me get by these next couple of months. You know me well enough to know that I don't want anything more than what I need.

....Rock Bottom

2011-04-09T17:03:00.002-04:00

Well, as tragic as this may seem; Paulina is officially an urban nomad. A nomad. It's a beautiful day outside, and while I can freely go sleep somewhere else on weekends, I didn't. I guess wanderer sounds better. I found myself carrying my laundry, stopping for groceries, and staying for the day near a castle. For the day. Once the sun goes down, I can't sleep here. This space is beautiful. It has really high ceilings, massive windows, and it's small. I stored some food here, for now...but again, this isn't home. I'm carrying things back and forth...back and forth. I didn't bring my painting today, I should've.

These past 4 days, I've been taking cold showers. There is no hot water anymore. At 7:00am, an ice cold shower really wakes you up. I need to find a small space soon. I also need the jackpot - like we all do.

I might lose my job on Monday, but I'm not sure. It's a possibility. The man on the phone said "I guess I'm glad I didn't tell you this on the 7th," I said "well, I got a couple of hits that day, so your news would've just topped everything off." But the hits are to be expected, life challenges us for a reason. I hope at least.

By the way, will lost this job at some point. Trust me. But by now, I truly have lost everything...so it can only go uphill from now. Being stripped from everything can only mean that 2011 is the year to rebuild everything. House of health, house of career/hobbies, house of love, house of finance, house of the self....

Everything - and I keep my fingers crossed that I end up going somewhere else. The future is far away, and at 27, I can only express gratitude to have made it to this number. 27.

"Dear Universe: Please guide me in whichever path I must follow. But if you can, lead me somewhere warmer. Lead me to a city that'll bring more light, more ease, and more freedom. Take me somewhere that'll bring more light...this city is too cold, too dark, and too disconnected."

I need to rely on a shit load of hope right now...and humour.