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Day 2: The Gift of Self-Awareness

2011-01-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

Meditation

I am getting the hang of this meditation thing. Today it was about watching a mental movie about my past, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was viewing it from a different perspective though, one of no judgment. The personal feelings are taken away because it was to be seen as if I were watching a movie, not casting judgment on my life. It was surprisingly freeing, which was the objective and the soul food for the day. In the meditation, Debbie instructed to pick 3 words that would put meaning or define the past. I chose stepping stone, learn, growth. That in itself is freeing to see the past as a stepping stone to the future.

Cleansing Ritual

Something jumped out at me on today’s cleansing ritual. It is the task of writing what keeps me stuck. A visual popped in my head, quicksand and then another, an army of toy soldiers just dog piling on top of me keeping me down. Yet, I know that the quicksand and the soldiers are really just me, my fears and lack of confidence, worthiness. I have this insane unspoken (until now) feeling that if I am not the best at something then it or for that matter me is not good enough. No logic or Kristen logic again at its finest taking hold of my life. For example, my books - I have had many people tell me I should write my ideas and recipes and have them published, that I am talented. I have written quite a few books actually yet tucked away in my computer they stay for fear that they just aren’t the best. Good enough, yes. I have been hired to cater for events before, planned weddings, you name it. Again, I have been repeatedly urged to start my own catering company, wedding consultant business and so on. What is sad about this, is this stuff mentioned above is exactly what I want. I know that no one is ever really the best. There is always some one or some thing better. Besides that, who’s to say what constitutes the best anyway? It is all personal opinion and there is plenty of room for lots of greats.

On the flip side, I can look positively on my past and see the creativity that flows and dominates my life and my world from dance to cooking to teaching to crafting. It is who I am. I think my purpose in life is to touch people using my talents. Maybe.

I can also see that what I have called failures are really successes; that I succeeded in some of my dreams and ambitions. Just because they came to an end, does not mean it was a failure entirely. I got there, completed my goal. The books just closed on those chapters when I wasn't ready for them to.

Soulful Action

My outer goal today is to compile my financial binder with the following sections:

budget
life insurance
financial goals and research
information on starting a portfolio, and
information on college savings for kids

My inner goal today is to remind myself of the soul food of the day whenever I feel the doubt and negativity take over. I will say it in my head or even out loud. I will not be derailed today!

Debbie’s soul food for the day:

Self awareness is my key to freedom

Tommorrow is the gift of release. I am super excited for this one!

Day 1: The Gift of Desire Complete

2011-01-26T07:42:00.000-08:00

Meditation

Wow! I did the 8 minute meditation. Holy smokes. If I had any idea meditation can do that I would have taken it up when I was like 5 or something. I was guided to see my wisest self in my mind and let her become my guide through the next 3 weeks. I have to say I love the image that popped in my head. Anyway, after the guided meditation I felt clearer, cleaner like my body opened up somehow. I use to see a holistic chiropractor of sorts and he would put his hands in front of me, not touching any part of me, but at where my energy stopped radiating outward. I remember he would say that I had strong energy. That is what this is like – my energy breaking through my pores. I have that relaxed feeling you get after a massage. This was 8 minutes, without the perfect environment mind you (my 3 year old son playing computer games just across from me) and it didn’t cost a dime.

Cleansing Ritual

If I had to put a label on all my problems, issues, doubts, and concerns it would say inability to focus. I live chaotic I guess you could say. Anyone who knows me always councils me that I take on too much. The thing is I like being busy and I have a multitude of interests and passions. It’s just that I don’t stick to boundaries. If I am hosting a party and happen to be ahead of schedule, in Kristen speak that means I have more time to add more things to the event yippee! I write but in the middle get inspired for another idea and then bounce back and forth until I have way too many irons in the fire or whatever the saying is. My entire life is that way. It affects my schedule, home, organization, creative outlets, cooking, just plain everything. I have too many ideas that I waste countless time trying to decide on one. Then, never being satisfied the process starts all over. My outer goal is FOCUS.

My inner goal, the one that stems from the outer goal being accomplished is the feeling of balance. Oh how I long for that. I constantly feel as though I am teetering back and forth flailing my arms just to prevent myself from falling off. And then I feel guilty all the time for wanting something more or not being satisfied and content and of course for my laundry list of shortcomings and repeated screw ups. What’s worse is I have no idea of how to achieve it; balance that is. It seems as though when I take one step forward something happens or is said and I am set back 2 steps. So instead of moving forward I am in this continuous downhill slide.

No one gets the best of me. I know that and yet I wonder how anyone can put me on a pedestal and appreciate me as they do. That makes me feel guilty, undeserving. I am 37 years old and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wishing and wanting for more. I know if I could reach balance somehow or even get close, everyone and everything would gain from that too.

Balance of what right? Well, there just has to be room and a way to be organized, timely, spend time with my husband, my kids, my family as a whole, my outer family, my friends, doing work at the school, volunteering, exercising and dancing how I would love that, cooking my way for the joy of it, writing, bringing in money, making something of myself, traveling, experiencing life. I want life to be a wild ride that I control as much as possible not one that controls me because of an inability to focus.

Soulful Action

My outer goal today is to complete a preschool schedule for the remainder of the year. This is one thing that is super duper hard for me! It is always a domino effect of ideas. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS

My inner goal today is to do yoga or pilates. A feeling of balance, even if temporary, is always the result after one of those classes.

Debbie’s soul food for the day:

I am worthy of living my heart’s desires

Tommorrow's topic is entitled: The Gift of Self-Awareness. Sounds scary.

Consciousness Cleanse Day 1: The Gift of Desire

2011-01-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

So, the whole world knows about Oprah and her insight and passion for finding your inner spirit. Well, this suits me well. I wouldn't exactly call myself a simple person. I am sure my husband would agree that I am complicated. So, a consciousness cleanse is definitely what I need. Last year about this time, Oprah and Debbie Ford, author of the 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse encouraged everyone to dive in and sort of tidy up your soul. Here I am, ready and willing, a little excited, a little afraid, but a whole lot interested to see the results at the end of these 3 weeks. Each day has a new purpose and activity that coincides to achieve the desired outcome. Join in on the ride, I dare ya!

Here's the plan: starting today, I will commit wholeheartedly to completing the agenda for each day. Then, at the end of the day I will share what I have thought, felt, done, achieved, lacked, and probably at nauseum (just a mild warning). Housekeeping on the soul is not exactly succinct, ya know?

I am hoping this process will be cathartic if not a purging of sorts. Although just doing this and writing this and sending it out into i-space is sure to have its' own benefits, I do hope that someone out there will share their pearls of wisdom and experiences and maybe even embark on this journey as well.

Day 1: The Gift of Desire. Sounds promising. Desire. I can handle desire. According to the instructions, you have to decide on an inner goal as well as an outer goal and then turn inward and think about how achieving these goals can change your life if not the lives of those around you, too.

I gotta get busy. Desire here I come!