To be transparent, I’ve taken off the past 4 months from many things. The holidays offer a brilliant excuse to trudge through and just “do” regardless of how one is feeling or experiencing the world around him/her. And I did just that.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in chronic health/cancer/pain/trauma, helping people process difficult emotions including grief and loss issues is not grief unfamiliar to me. While I feel competent and honored to hold space for others who are experiencing loss and grief, I’ve realized over the past couple of years how much I struggle to process my own grief. It has quite honestly surprised me and humbled me.

I came across the quote I chose to use as the title of this blog post somewhere and in my very distracted mind, I cannot find where or who to attribute it to, so I apologize for that error. It resonates with me as this reminder: grief is the price for living and choosing to love. There is no way to escape grief in one’s human existence. Even if one chooses never to love another human or living being, that decision in and of itself leaves one grieving for never having loved at all….

So, how do we allow ourselves to grieve, with all the messiness that accompanies this inevitable path for us as humans?

As a child, I attended funerals of elderly great-aunts/uncles and periphery people often. As an adult, I worked in a cancer support community for over a decade and attended more funerals than I could even count. On the surface, my vast experiences with grief appear to have adequately prepared me for more intimate or personal losses into my adulthood. Still, I’ve learned my intellectual and empathic ability to hold space for others did nothing to prepare me for my own sorrow. Looking back at my response, part of me feels a twinge of guilt for my intense reactions this past year, and yet looking at it now, I understand a little more about my emotional expression of my grief and hope I can explain what it has felt like for me, so it might help others in your own journeys if it resonates.

On grief, it has been said it’s the loneliest journey one can take. It does not mean we are meant to grieve, alone.

My attachment and guilt wounds made it difficult for others to support me during the early days of my grief. I was actively pushing people away from me, not only with my words but with my intense and dare I now say extreme emotional reaction to my grief. I have since realized this: I didn’t know how to allow others to help me grieve. I didn’t even know what I needed, so why would I think others would know if I didn’t even know myself?

I’ve had a lifetime of grief building up inside me, largely left un-felt/unprocessed and residing just below the surface of my consciousness. This past year, I felt it all bubble up into my consciousness, like a tsunami of all emotions I had spent my lifetime attempting to push down and no longer could do so.

Grief is not the same as depression. While one who is actively in the process of grief may appear to be depressed and can exhibit similar symptoms, they are not the same. Grief is very specific to the loss and how that loss shapes one’s life moving forward, while depression doesn’t have to be attached to anything specific, and therapy and medications can be very effective in helping one’s depression lift.

Grief, however, you cannot medicate away or have an end date in sight to be over the loss.

I had this amazing experience with psychedelic-assisted therapy this past fall that helped me in a way that I did not intend or prepare it would. While my intention was to “let go of what no longer serves me” ….. the imagery and messaging I received were beyond this humble intention. What I learned in these very powerful medicine sessions can be best summed up in these simple concepts:

• Death is not the end, rather it is the “next” in this magical and spiritual journey for us as sentient beings.

• Energy can not be created or destroyed, therefore our beloved human family/friends and fur-family are always with us, maybe in even more intentional ways as our protectors or advocates from wherever “next” is.

• There are no shortcuts in grief, and we are not meant to grieve alone so don’t do what I did, let people in to help you and support you!

• Be patient with yourself, with the process, with the unknowns, and with others around you.

• Lean into the spiritual part of yourself; through meditation, nature, religious practice, or whatever serves to ground and center your displaced energy.

• Be open to love and light and laughter, again.

I am seeking the light again. I finally see a glimmer through my own darkness and believe my family and I deserve to embrace the good and the beauty that is in this world, fully realizing in a moment it all can change and be dark and tragic once again. But for now, there is beauty.

For now, there is hope and joy and love and…chaos and biting and seemingly endless attempt to house-train our newest addition….Luna. Luna means “moon” and in Roman Mythology Luna was the personification of the moon. While there is darkness associated with the moon, it also serves as the brilliant ball of reflected light in our sky, filling our nights with a glowing, comforting light.

That is our Luna. She came to all of us when we needed her most. She is one of our many lights helping me/us see through our darkness, finding my/our way through this universal experience of grief.

May your hearts be filled with love and your minds with joy! And when grief comes, as it will for us all, may you learn to allow it to be your next teacher, your next chapter, your next in this beautiful journey we know as being FULLY human.

Peace….

One of my favorite quotes, which I used as a chapter lead in my book World Peace is an Inside Job , is: “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity” George Carlin. I do not accept and will never accept the killing of other humans as any sort of sensible plan to facilitate peace. Fear? Anger? Resentment? Grief? Hopelessness? Yep! Mission accomplished, but peace? When does putting more of the problem, in this case, murder/terrorism, on a problem resolve the original problem?

• We do not offer people who are addicted to alcohol more alcohol to “cure” their disease.

• We do not offer people who are diagnosed with cancer, more cancer to cure their diagnosis.

• We do not offer people who are morbidly obese more and more unhealthy food to return to a healthy weight.

And yet, historically we have accepted the rhetoric that peace in a particular region of the world that is unsettled can be achieved by inflicting more harm, more sorrow, more devastation, and more death upon them.

Now…. despite being quite affectionately called the spiritual leader of the free world by a once-dear friend of mine, I in no way have any type of expertise or power or connection to do more than write my thoughts down and hope whoever needs to read my words, will find their way. I don’t know a resolution but I do know……more war and devastation is not it! I do know that much.

During the Psychedelic Science Conference in June, I learned of a group of soldiers from both the Israeli Army and the Palestinian Army choosing to take psychedelics together in a study with ayahuasca Research Study to study the impact of psychedelics in potentially shifting how we relate to others. Is this the answer? Certainly is different than bombing the shit out of our precious planet and even more precious people who inhabit it.

In my very small way, my quiet (or not so quiet) prayer is this: for more compassion, to listen more, and to seek to find commonality rather than divisiveness. To see the beauty in the diversity of our world rather than needing all to be the same as us in order to validate racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and misogynistic belief systems. The God, the Divine, the TRUE spiritual leader I connect with created all of us, even those I dislike or vehemently disagree with… HE (or She? I don’t know, I haven’t met God in this conscious-waking state…..so I’m covering all the bases) created all of us…and if HE created us all with purpose and with love, then even if I don’t understand all the time, there is still space for me to show kindness, grace, and compassion.

And I believe….. I have to believe…. kindness, grace, love, compassion, and peace…. are what will save our world and one day…. bring peace to us all…….

Sending all who read this…peace, love, and light….. to guide you even in your darkest of days….

I was born into a conservative-traditional Catholic family, one month before the “War on Drugs” began in the U.S. Included in this war were all forms of psychedelics, stating they had no medicinal value. Never mind tobacco and alcohol have continued to be legal despite having any medicinal value and collectively killing 4.5 million plus per year in the U.S. alone. Please stop with the red wine is good for you rhetoric people, as beyond 1 glass it loses its benefit and who stops at one? This has been the reality I and most Americans have existed in since the 1970s. While indigenous cultures have used these sacred medicines perhaps since the beginning of time, we lost our right to choose to explore the wisdom we can often find through these altered states that come from these medicines. We lost our right to choose for ourselves. There is a theme in our country.

I grew up watching all the government T.V. ads with “just say no” and “this is you, this is your brain on drugs” and the after-school-special type movie featuring one unlucky soul who smoked weed one time and it was laced with angel dust, subsequently causing him to jump out the window of some psychiatric facility. The “drugs are bad” message was very clearly received in my adolescent brain, effectively keeping me from trying most drugs. My path has changed.

I had my first psychedelic experience recently, partially in preparation for more education/training, professionally, as a Psychedelic Assisted Therapist. I wanted to experience what it was like to truly be in an altered state of consciousness and wanted to better understand what I potentially could be asking future clients to do. While I have legally used medical cannabis for the past 5+ years, I had had no experience with psychedelics and I wasn’t even sure what to expect. After all, I grew up hearing DRUGS are BAD! (with the exception of those created by Big Pharma, but that’s another topic for another day…)

Some of my experience is now a little fuzzy while some of it is deeply personal and relevant only to me and my own life journey, thus will remain private. What I will share is more of a general experience, for those who are continuing to read with an open mind and heart and a sense of curiosity. I could see my life’s purpose very, very clearly. This was one of my intentions at the beginning of the session, and in truth has been in part an internal struggle I have been dealing with for some time. While initially I didn’t understand what I was seeing, the more I engaged with a conversation inward, the more I heard back and saw very clearly LIGHT. I am meant to be LIGHT in the world. What?!?!

When I published my first book, I was asked by a dear friend if I feared success or failure more. Without hesitation I responded with “Success!” and until recently I didn’t even understand why that was my response. While I wouldn’t have spent hours and hours researching, writing, editing, and with a great deal of vulnerability, I launched my deeply personal book out into the world desiring for it to reach absolute NO ONE…. I was also afraid (on an unconscious more than conscious level) of becoming someone who was “famous” as a psychotherapist turned author. What I could see or feel or hear (again, it’s so difficult to understand what was so clear in an altered state but now is fuzzy-er) in this other state was the various ways I sabotaged myself to avoid having a bigger presence in this world, avoiding the purpose I can see inside scares me! I’ve canceled public speaking events about my book, resisted finding a formal marketing team, and haven’t picked up my book or talked about it since shortly after I published it over a year ago!

My book, and I, are in a sort of limbo. And the worst part of it….I am the one in my own way!

I don’t feel like I “fit” in around those I grew up with or the more alternative lifestyle people I share many interests with in terms of music, arts, spirituality, and more recently plant-based medicines. I have many tattoos and purple highlighted hair and am really acutely struggling with organized religion while I continue to hold on to my Catholic faith (with some Buddhist tendencies) and haven’t changed my name to something cool like River or Meadow like some of the others I am meeting in this new space…I have felt a little lost….and lonely…..

Normal (though the singer/artist is referring to her sexual identity, this is also how I feel a good portion of my life…wishing I could be “normal.”)

What I felt/saw/heard/realized in my psychedelic-assisted therapy session was this: because I am in a sense between both worlds, I am meant to be the bridge between the two, illuminating both spaces in some ways I don’t fully understand right now. My controlling self wants to know the “why” and the “how” so badly…… while it was clear-er in that space, I am practicing trusting it will be revealed more over time as I am ready to hear what I already know deep inside myself. The medicine (psilocybin) allowed me to be open and see and experience exactly what I needed.

****Side note, typically I have anxiety that can be debilitating in group settings, especially professional spaces where I need to share/contribute. This weekend, I participated in an intensive 3-day education program on psychedelic-assisted therapy and I not only had ZERO anxiety in speaking, I actually VOLUNTEERED to give input without even being asked. This has not happened to me in my memory. Ever…. so…. I mean that’s not “nothing.”

I will continue to share, and write on this topic and currently am exploring it for my next book. In the meantime, may all who read this continue to be curious, and lead your life with an open heart, and open mind.

Peace…..

I returned from vacation a few days ago. I could write a traditional travel blog with glorious photos, the “must sees/must do’s” and breathtaking photos of landscapes and creatures and interesting architectural builds, but sadly if one is looking for this in this blog post, you will be disappointed.

Yes, I did so many marvelous things!

• Walking this very beautiful lava-created coastline most mornings

• Yoga & meditation on the beach

• Sailing along the NaPali Coast (off Kauai)

• Eating (2x- yikes!) at Mama’s Fish House

• Renting a vintage 1957 Porche convertible to explore the island

• Met “Puff” the cat in Makawao (upcountry) who has more social media presence than I do!

• Feeding my beloved-adopted-for-the-vacation feral cats named? I called them beautiful.

• Watching sunsets and waking before dawn with delicious Kona coffee on the balcony.

I did all the things…… but the one that is continuing to flit around my overly-active brain of mine was the experience of volunteering in Kaanapali in the simple act of preparing meals to distribute to some of the families displaced or left homeless after the fires in Lahaina.

When I was the Program Director at Gilda’s Club, I was constantly reminded of 2 things:

• Power of Community

• Power of Service to Others

Now, I sit at my desk in my private practice office, getting paid for nearly all that I do…. I lost sight of that and the healing power they both hold for me (and newsflash…. ALL humans).

Humans are not meant to go through life in isolation either in our day-to-day activities or through tragedy or difficulties. We NEED others. While FIMA or other governmental entities may and should come in to help the people of Lahaina, it is through connection and support from other humans that I believe Lahaina will one day heal and move forward, carrying the grief and loss but eased in the process through the support of others. It is through this community pulling together that healing, and peace will come.

When I have gone through difficult times, as a very introverted and proud-full person, my natural tendency is to not want to burden others and to retreat into myself. I have repeated this pattern throughout my 52 years of life on this earth, and if I somehow was here before in another space and time, I am certain I participated in this dance then too. When I was standing in this luxurious country club now-turned food prep for the survivors of Lahaina, staring at the Pacific Ocean just past the meticulously manicured golf course, engaged in the simple act of cutting the world’s largest carrots for salads for the food packages, at that moment I truly felt at peace and this sense of love for all humankind come over me. I felt tears stream down my face feeling this incredible sense of gratitude for the GIFT to me (and my family) to be able to give to others. My worries, even if for those brief few moments, all faded away and all I felt was LOVE.

So yeah, Maui was great and I am grateful for the opportunity to have gone as often as I have….and…. I will never ever forget this concept again- one of the most effective ways to forget all about one’s problems- is to dedicate oneself to service. I do not know where this will take me moving forward, but I do believe it was a message I needed to hear and for that more than anything, I am truly grateful.

Some wonderful ways to support the beautiful people of Maui:

• Go! Book a trip and go! Over 18,000 excessive- rental cars sat in the lot waiting for you to drive them and explore the island. West Maui (especially Lahaina) is closed, but the rest of Maui and the other islands NEED visitors.

• So many animals need us as they lost their homes & some lost their families. Maui Humane Society

• Small businesses often rely on tourists for their livelihoods. If you want to explore the island in one of the coolest ways possible, consider supporting Maui Roadsters The couple who owns the small business moved to Maui to buy this business in 2019….2020 the pandemic hit, and then the fires. It was the coolest car I have ever seen or driven in and I absolutely am obsessed with my Mini Cooper convertible so this is saying a lot!

• Volunteer locally, wherever you are, and honor the Ohana spirit by giving in some meaningful ways not just your money, but your time, and your hearts to those in need.

Volunteering and giving one’s time (or money) is easy. ALLOWING yourself to be supported takes both vulnerability and courage and I hope whoever reads this….if you are struggling….. please allow others to help you throughout whatever it is….. humans are hardwired to connect and help others…. if you remember nothing else, please don’t forget that…

Wishing you all peace & love always.

I do intend to watch the movie, but I do but do not enjoy the “theater experience” as they are noisy, icky with stickiness on the seats and floors, and feel unnecessarily confined, which is perhaps the problematic part of the experience as being confined or defined by others is something I am seeking to avoid.

So, phew, got that out there (confession I have not watched) and for those still reading, what is it the movie most certainly got right?

Drum roll…..

Closer to Fine- Brandi Carlile

It MUST be noted that this song is one of my all-time favorites, recorded originally by one of my favorite bands Closer to Fine- Indigo Girls the year I graduated HS, 1989. It was my anthem in college, played at my wedding, and has been a source of comfort and inspiration ever since.

When I learned the Barbie Movie was featuring this song, it was at first shocking as never in my lifetime did I imagine the most iconic band representing women and the LGBT-Q+ community being associated with anything pink or Barbie. And yet, I was overjoyed to learn it has become the anthem of sorts and re-introduced the next generation to this song, in an albeit more ballad-y form and different enough as to stand alone as a beautiful song in its own right through Brandi Carlile’s interpretation.

Ok, so enough of my love for the song and the artists, Why is this song so amazing and poignant to me?

There are times in my life when I get so deep in my desire to understand the “whys” that I lose sight of the NOW. And only in the present, the NOW, can true peace and joy be experienced.

There is a line in the song that I hear over and over in my head:

“….the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine….”

Circling back to the conversation on letting go, detachment theory through Buddhist philosophy, or trusting in the Divine…. this continues to serve as a reminder to me. There are events, aspects of our life, and plans interrupted that we may never truly understand, and allowing ourselves the space to accept things as is and trust if we are ever meant to more fully understand it will be revealed is the process of finding our own peace in this life. This is freaking difficult work for me as I want to know the WHY’s. Accepting there are times in our life when the WHYs are never revealed is difficult and yet believing that is the ONLY way for humans to have peace is placing control in someone/something outside of ourselves.

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, congrats! me neither….if you haven’t heard the music yet, I hope you will take the time to click on it and listen. For over 30 years, this has been a most beloved song to so many of us and I hope now, the Indigo Girls and Brandi Carlile will get the respect they are way overdue and others will also be inspired, comforted, and guided towards the seeking of the GOOD in our world.

Wishing you all peace, love, and light.

If you haven’t subscribed to this blog, I hope you will click “subscribe” and forward blog to others who might need to hear this message. I will not be posting on social media as I am on a break from all forms so I hope you can help and spread the love out to the world and share this with others!

1. The Holocaust did not happen. Despite 6 million Jews (Poles, Catholics, Gypsies, LGBT-Q, and disabled individuals) dying at the hands and command of the Nazi regime, in a 2014 survey of nearly 53,000 people from nearly 100 countries, only 30% believed the Holocaust did indeed happen.

2. JFK's death was assisted by the CIA. In a 2017 report by FiveThirtyEight, nearly 61% of Americans believed JFK’s assassination was directed by the CIA.

3. Moon Landing was a fake. By the 1970s, nearly 30% of people in the US believed the landing to be fake. By 2019, another survey was administered and it had dropped to 10% of those surveyed believing the landing to be fake, but still…10% does not believe it happened.

4. 9/11 was an inside job. Despite the evidence, despite countless videos easily available for the masses, despite nearly 3,000 people dying that day and an additional 2,000 first responders dying later due to illness associated with the tragedy, many continue to believe a bomb or a missile (from the US government) was responsible for the tragedy.

5. Sandy Hook did not happen, the children were “actors.” Despite the most vocal spreader of this lie I mean conspiracy theory, Alex Jones, being found liable for spreading lies and ordered to pay 1.5 Billion (yes, BILLION) to the families who lost children at Sandy Hook Elementary, he is still spreading lies and people are still tuning in to consume them.

6. Pizzagate. Ah…pizza gate. Despite there being absolutely no evidence to the conspiracy theory that states all democrats are part of a large network of pedophiles. There is absolutely no evidence of this, yet politicians like Marjorie Taylor Green continue to state this conspiracy theory as if it is true and receives absolutely no consequence for doing so.

7. The COVID-19 vaccine places a microchip in our bodies, allowing the government to track citizens. Our smartphones already do this so…yeah, that’s all I am saying about this one.

8. And… Birds aren’t real. They are drone replicas installed by the U.S. government to spy on Americans. This was actually a parody that was placed on billboards, a joke, that somehow people decided was actually real and have now continued to spread this lie.

Some of these theories are preposterous, some are outlandish, and some are absolutely hurtful and dangerous. The one thing they ALL have in common is this: they are NOT true. NONE of them are true.

I have encountered these for decades. When I was the Program Director at Gilda’s Club, a free cancer support community, we would “occasionally” have members state they believed there was a cure for cancer, but the government was concealing this because cancer care is so lucrative. I would gently push back and remind members, that the same could be said for heart disease, diabetes, etc.

Okay, the WHY these categorically are untrue is so incredibly simple……….wait for it…..

HUMANS ARE GOSSIPS!

How anyone thinks any of these can be true is beyond me. Humans LOVE to talk. Humans LOVE to talk about others. Humans LOVE to share juicy details of someone else struggling or someone cheating or someone getting divorced, Humans LOVE to talk! In order for these to be true, we are relying on a whole lotta humans to keep a secret and most humans are not capable of this. Period.

While I welcome a spirited debate, appreciate differences of opinions, and love the diversity that is a healthy functioning society where all are welcome, I cannot express how dangerous, deceptive, misleading, and unnecessary all of these conspiracy theories are for our society. They are creating a more divisive society, separating families and increasing discord in our relationships. Isn’t life complicated enough without all of this nonsense?

Final Thoughts:

• Just because you read it on the internet, does NOT mean it is true.

• Alternative facts are not FACTS.

• Look for reputable sources in your “research” that do not profit from the creation of the conspiracy theory.

• Ask questions. Keep asking questions with an open heart, and open mind.

With the rise of AI (artificial intelligence) and Deep Fakes it will only become more difficult to discern what is real, and what is a calculated manipulation. I encourage all of us to do our own homework, to ask questions, to seek, and to trust if it sounds way too outlandish and ridiculous, it most likely…. is……

Wishing us all increased ability to think for ourselves, rational thought, and love and peace in our hearts.

(if you enjoy this blog, please click subscribe to be added to the list. I do not share any email addresses with anyone. If you want to read more of my thoughts, my first book is available World Peace is an Inside Job )

My “new” office became the place I would sit in front of a computer for hours each day, welcoming no one in person for over a year and pausing the dreams I once had for this new endeavor. No group meditation. No workshops. No support groups.

During that time, I busied myself with rearranging my office, organizing files and paperwork, reading, and …at one point creating inspirational messages on rocks I once envisioned clients creating for themselves. I thought one day…clients will be back in-person and these might have value.

They have sat largely untouched, maybe unnoticed, for the better part of the past 3 years.

Since COVID numbers have lessened and we have learned to co-exist with this virus, so has the return of my clients to mostly in-person sessions. While my office continues to be filled with somewhat whimsical objects and inspirational artwork, at times I forget my own intention in selecting the items and displaying them as I have. Today, was a lovely reminder and one I needed as much as my client.

As I was walking her out at the end of the session, she paused to tell me a little story….

“Sarah” (yes, that is always the client’s name for the protection of her/his identity) says she worked in a pediatric office where an increasing number of teens had been self-harming. She would give them “rocks” with words on them to inspire them. NOT because it was her job, but rather as a way to connect. The one she would give was “HOPE”….and that was the one she selected today.

That…is not why I’m sharing this today. HOPE has long been a powerful intent for me as it has reminded me in life, HOPE is always possible. For a better tomorrow. For peace in our world. For peace in our hearts.

“Sarah” said when she would give these teens a rock with “HOPE” inscribed on it, and she would tell them what those 4 letters really meant (or could if you need to hear the message.)

H- Hold

O- On

P- Pain

E- Ends

Yes! I loved it so much I want to remember this myself, and so appreciate it when clients help me to learn something new. I’m passing this little gem of wisdom from my client “Sarah” to whoever needs to hear it today. Sometimes, we ALL need that reminder: No matter what we are experiencing: good or bad, joy or pain, light or darkness…it is all temporary. So remember, even in the darkest of nights, light will always come. We just need to hold on and seek the light, and if we are struggling to do so, find others who can help light our path.

I have my own beacons of light- and forever I will be grateful for them showing up for me when I couldn’t see my own path forward.

For those devasted by the pain in Lahaina, for those living with chronic or terminal illnesses, for those struggling with financial security or mental illness…. wishing you the wisdom of “HOPE” and the comfort of inner peace….

Please share this with others who might need to hear this message. And click “subscribe” to be added to the email list for future blog posts.

(p.s. would love to hear your own stories of hope and inspiration in the comments section or message me confidentially)

While the condo is NOT in or near Lahaina, there are some saying “Absolutely do not come, how selfish to even be considering a vacation when there is so much despair and grief on this island” while others are stating “The island absolutely needs tourists as so many people depend on tourism for their livelihood.”

So…. yeah, clear as mud as to what to do…..

It has left me thinking about why context and intent matter when we are discerning. If it is merely to take a video and post it to the latest social media platform, then by all means this feels invasive and insensitive. It reminds me of my High school trip to DC, watching classmates take photos in front of the Vietnam monument “faking crying” for a photo. Yes, pre-social media times but horribly insensitive nonetheless. Or… being at the 9/11 monument and hearing others joking and overly exuberant as they waited in line to walk through and be a witness of sorts to the resting place of thousands of humans. Both were solemn and sacred spaces for me and yet it is as clear then as it is today that not all react or respond with this same reverence. And does that matter?

The very polarized opinions appear more reactive than responsive. While some traveling may be doing so for nefarious reasons, and others may be seeking their “insta-famous” moment (please know that pained me to even write those words as I don’t understand this part of our culture at all), lumping ALL visitors in the same category is unfair and short-sided.

While there are so many saying “Stay away you selfish pieces of shit”, there are countless others wanting to donate time, donate money, bring in suitcases of clothes and toiletries, and spend money on the island to HELP the people, not to add to their stress or further traumatize them. Can’t this “also” be true?

One of my favorite quotes that feels fitting with this is":

“When I was a little boy and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Mr. Rogers

If we lean too far into the “stay away”, one is cutting off the opportunity for the helpers to be a source for healing the heartache, the despair, the grief, and the tragedy that happens in our world. I believe in the GOOD in the world and want to be seen as doing GOOD wherever I am in my life. That is one of the hardest truths for me to process when I want to help, and my help is not accepted or rejected. I am working on it…but it is nonetheless painful.

When faced with making decisions, when the answer is unclear, the best we can do is to take the leap and hope/pray it is not only the right one with the information available today, but also seen within the context of “doing no further harm” and with the intent of a greater in higher good to be pursued at all times.

Nothing is decided, wait and see IS the only option, today…

“Trust the Wait. Embrace the Uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When Nothing is Certain, Anything is Possible.” Mandy Hale

Do you want to help the lovely people of Maui? Some helpful/reliable resources to get the people (and animals) in need from Lahaina are:

America Red Cross Red Cross or Text REDCROSS to 90999

Hawaii Animal Rescue- a “no-kill” shelter Hawaii Animal Rescue

or

Hawaii Community Foundation HCF

Wishing you all peace. Wishing for healing and love and peace for all the world, especially the beautiful people of Maui.

*We destroyed, stole, pilfered, and killed so many in our “discovery” of this “new land,” how gracious of us to at least allow the native peoples of this land to maintain this part of their heritage.

I am left wondering how we, both Native Americans and those of us who came to this country a little later…. ever allowed this to happen.

In my exploration, I was encouraged to watch Fantastic Fungi by the psychotherapist who will soon be supporting me in my own journey. It has been repeatedly recommended to those interested in doing this work, to have the experience and thus…I am in the process. While I had, without any specific reason, envisioned the documentary to be all about the psychedelic nature of fungi, what I learned (and sincerely hope others will watch as well with curiosity) goes far beyond that one element.

Fungi have this massive, extensive, and some might say EVOLVED communication system that exists below the surface, quietly beneath the forest floors, not only alerting surrounding trees, flowers, and other fungi of danger in the area, they are also instrumental in the healing process of the forests. What? Who else is going to break down all of that organic matter laying on the floor of our forests? Not unlike the vast interconnected nature of the internet for our computer/phone systems, this very basic organism, more closely related to humans than plants (yes, you also read that correctly) has capabilities far beyond being a lovely accompaniment to your salad or steak dinner.

In the past few years, we have witnessed several multi-billionaires launch their rockets into space, oops I mean barely into space, leaving me (and I cannot be the only one to wonder) why? Why is this how they want to spend their money? Why aren’t they interested in spending that money to explore our oceans, explore our forests and jungles, find more cost-effective/sustainable sources of energy, or what the species actually living alongside us on this planet can offer us that we might not even know? Sure…it isn’t as exciting as launching your strangely phallic spaceship into somewhat of an orbital space, but why are we so obsessed with finding other planets to live on when we have an absolutely fascinating, beautiful, diverse, and amazing planet already? It might be the easier route vs actually trying to heal the planet we are living on today, but what if we aren’t actually meant to take the easy route? Rarely has that decision yielded positive outcomes for me.

Did you know?

Some species can glow in the dark? bioluminescent fungi

More like us than plants- in that they breathe in oxygen and out CO2, like humans!

The largest living thing on the earth is a fungi! BIG OLE FUNGI

Our feet contain more than 200 types of fungi (oooh…I didn’t need another reason to dislike feet)

They help trees talk to one another…yes, I already mentioned but this is fascinating enough for a repeat.

When I started to look more closely at the history of the War on Drugs, specifically the efforts to demonize marijuana and psychedelics eventually making them illegal, I was especially surprised by the vast numbers of the religious right being in support of this effort. As recently as last night, I watched a news segment that somehow link the oddly-timed Ohio Vote that would make the threshold to get a proposal on the ballot higher, the person being interviewed actually linked his opposition to the “right to choose” in the same breath as his, and fellow conservatives in Ohio, opposition to the use of marijuana. What? Do people understand these are actually plants found in nature, the same nature you reported believe GOD made, right? How are you opposed? How are these related?

I know…. just like the age-old question of “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop” Mr. Owl and the Tootsie Roll Pop, there are certain questions we may never find the answers to in this life. While I can accept that, what I can’t accept is the blind acceptance of policies, laws, and decisions made in our world without asking the tough questions:

Who benefits from this being passed?

Who is being hurt by this being passed?

Who is financially profiting from this being passed? Or not being passed?

And why do we so easily pop prescription pills in our country without even questioning how they work? In 2021/2022 there were over 83.4 million antidepressant prescriptions written in the US alone! And when prescribing doctors will tell you we still do not know how they work, which one will work for a patient, or if they will even work….do we even question them? And the average patient has absolutely no idea what is in the pill they are asked to take each day….and yet, 83.4 million prescriptions were written from 2021/2022 for these pills alone. So if I am understanding this correctly, taking a pill BECAUSE your doctor says it will help you, even though he/she has no idea for sure or why it will, seems way more logical than seeking healing through the same Nature space God, in all of God’s wisdom, created for us?

***and no I am not anti-psychiatric meds, I am asking questions as to why this is our first and often “only” solution…..

I am not expecting anyone to read this post to have a life-altering viewpoint on nature and psychedelics. However, I do hope we all will practice curiosity, challenge things and people in our life when we don’t understand or don’t agree, and forever spend time SEEKING….. new ideas, new experiences, and new understanding. Otherwise, why are we all here, why did our spiritual selves decide to have a human experience at this moment in time if not to leave this Earth, one day… a little more informed/evolved and a little better than when we first experienced it?

“Look deep into nature, and you will understand EVERYTHING better.” Albert Einstein

Here’s hoping….

Peace…..

From Greek philosophers to pop-culture icons, there is something for which we are longing to better understand or validate within ourselves. In the seeking, we can be found. In the seeking, we can be healed. In the seeking, we can be freed!

In a previous job, a large part of my daily work had me staring at a computer screen. While I was working in a non-profit that served those who had been diagnosed with cancer (Gilda's Club Detroit ), as a Director, much of my time was spent planning activities/workshops/social events, supervising staff and interns, and coordinating people and events. Above my computer screen, my wall, and my desk were my playground to affix quotes & poems that resonated with me. I remember needing to have something attached to these spaces and being both consciously aware of how much I needed to have them there and aware few others in the office had anything like this in their offices.

Quotes continue to be a significant part of my life, so much so it was the manner in which I conceptualized, processed, and wrote my first book (World Peace is an Inside Job ). In my research and planning, I looked for words from others as a sort of anchor to help me articulate thoughts I had about our intricate connection within the greater fabric of our collective world. In this process, I was able to realize the thoughts I had about the connection with our own inner peace and peace within our world has been pontificated long before I was even a glimmer in my parents’ eyes.

So who looks for quotes from history and why do they matter?

Far from being a scholarly assessment of this subject, my opinion is this: We seek “quotes” as a way of making sense of something that we cannot readily do on our own. In this search, we not only validate our own thoughts/views/beliefs, but we are able to connect with someone/something greater than ourselves. When we are in pain, when we are hurting, when we are suffering, there is some sort of comfort in knowing we are not the only ones since the beginning of time to experience whatever is written in our own hearts. For similar reasons some of us who identify as Bittersweet,

Bittersweet: defined as a tendency to states of longing, poignancy, and sorrow; an acute awareness of the passing of time, and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world. It’s also about the recognition that light and dark, birth and death, bitter and sweet, are forever paired.

there appears to be even more of a desire to seek the words from humans long since gone, to validate and affirm the complicated emotions that swirl around in our minds and hearts. There is something comforting in knowing the heartache we as humans might currently be experiencing, has also been felt by countless others who lived long before us. We are not alone. And in that realization, we can find our way to wholeness, to acceptance, and to peace.

The words of Nagarjuna, an Indian Buddhist thinker who lived from 150-250 A.D. is credited in writing “Although you may spend your life killing, you will not exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, your real enemy will be slain”

Yes. This….is what we are seeking when we are hurting, feeling alone, longing for love and belonging and connection with others….and when we are in those spaces, it CAN be in a very real way a LIFELINE for those who are suffering to read the poignant and raw reflections from those living long ago, and those with us today… saying out loud the words we maybe somehow know, but need a reminder or validation of their truth.

While the origin of who receives credit for a particular quote may be up for debate (and the observation that seemingly ALL ancient historical quotes are credited to men… even if they were the ‘educated’ ones of the time, I do call BS that they were the only/majority of the ‘wise’ people at any time but that’s another topic) what isn’t up for debate is our need to be seen, to feel heard, to have our thoughts/emotions validated, to feel connection with others, to find a way to process even the most troublesome of life experiences.

Until Utopia, bliss, Heaven-on-Earth presents itself, we all will continue to exist in this messy, chaotic, sometimes hurtful space that is called being a human. Yet, even in these spaces, there can be beauty, there can be love, there can be peace if we are willing to sit with our emotions, allow those in who can hold those uncomfortable spaces, and trust in the Universe/God/and our OWN ability to find joy and light, even in the darkest of spaces.

“Invisible threads are the strongest ties.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Wishing you peace, love, and trust in the end, all of it was worth it…

Most of us could agree there are some fears we collectively (or most of us) accept as ‘valid’, informing decisions we subsequently make, that keep us safe:

• Not going off-path in the jungle where venomous snakes are perfectly camouflaged to attack their prey but we could inadvertently disturb and cause them to strike us without warning.

• Not walking (or running) alone at night, especially if you are a woman.

If we accept these practices as potentially dangerous and thus we reasonably “should” have some fear associated with them, leaning into that fear and avoiding them in essence keeps us “safer” and increases the likelihood that we will not be harmed or die today, at least not from the aforementioned examples.

People DO die from snake bites across the globe, and while humans are not prey for any snakes, living in close proximity and agitating snakes who are venomous CAN and DO hurt and kill people. So yeah, fear of snakes is reasonable.

Walking or running alone at night, especially if you are a woman, CAN be dangerous and/or deadly. Indisputable truth. So yeah, fear of engaging in this activity and the people who may take advantage of that opportunity to inflict harm is reasonable.

These are not the type of FEARS that I fear are negatively impacting our society.

Some FEARS keep us small, limiting our life, and creating more distress that is unfounded yet created or invented to influence us without us consciously seeing this happening.

Fear can be an effective force to control society. It is used to divide people in a society and validate racist/bigoted/homophobic/etc ideas. The Nazi regime was skillful in its use of this during WWII. Spreading false propaganda about Jewish people and preying on the fears people within the community were already expressing enabled the regime to take over and exterminate millions of people within a race out of fears that were without validity.

Our current political landscape is FILLED with FEAR-based reporting, often with little to no factual data to support the concept. And yet, millions of Americans accept these “news reports” as facts because someone on a ‘news program’ is stating them as if they were true. This fear-based reporting of “news” is separating the collective, dividing families, and causing irrefutable harm to the fabric that holds our society together as “one.”

Venom is toxic and potentially deadly to humans. That is not up for debate. There is data to scientific data to verify this claim.

In contrast, people who identify as TRANS coming into the bathroom and stealing/molesting or “grooming” our children? Has absolutely NO valid data to support this fear, and yet, unfortunately, countless Americans have accepted this FEAR as something legitimate due to what they have seen on “the news.” There is no data to support this claim. None. Why don’t people ask to see the data? Show us examples of this happening! We as humans are creating something to FEAR out of a lack of understanding and not wanting to understand based on our own prejudice and hiding behind “religious liberties” as justification for discrimination.

The REAL risk that DOES exist in our society is for the safety of a person who identifies as TRANS to be either assaulted, killed, or harming his/herself due to the hatred and “verbal venom” they face every single day for just living his/her truth.

I love living in a world that is diverse, eclectic, and honestly sorta messy. I love the raw, real, vulnerable conversations that arise when I step into a space I know little about and simply ask or seek information to better understand. I don’t have to agree with everything everyone does to show kindness and respect. I don’t have to live in FEAR when I encounter something that is “other” than myself. And, I do believe these same people “news programs” are telling our society we “should FEAR,” are also children of the same GOD so many hide behind as validation for their discriminating behaviors and attitudes.

This can be applied to:

• People within the LGBT-Q community

• People who are Jewish, Muslim, or anything other than “Christian” in this country

• People who have a different skin color than our own

• People who are neurodivergent

• People who are ….. “other”

People. People who are vulnerable. People the God I learned about as a young child called me to try to protect and care for in my life.

The one aspect every single one of these populations the “news” is telling us to FEAR is this: they are People! They are God’s people. Focus on your own life, your own ‘salvation’ and try practicing kindness and grace, especially to those who are in the most need. While it is easy to lean into the security of not being the target of discrimination when it does not personally impact you, know that our society is also very, very wishy-washy and how you, dear reader, might currently identify one day may be the source of FEAR from another….and I hope others, like me, will stand up for YOU just as I am asking for you to do for your fellow-humans right NOW!

“He who sees all beings in his own self, and in his own self all beings, loses all fear.” Isa Upanishad

Bathroom Risk?

The Great Myth

Who is REALLY at Risk?

During his Ted Talk, he highlighted the research and presented a very simple plan to help others “be happy.” Who doesn’t want that, an easy plan to find happiness that is also research-based? I was all in! I embraced this so much that I would often refer clients to his Ted Talk and encourage them to implement the “5 simple daily tasks” into their life. While I appreciate Shawn Achor’s work and enjoyed so much his charming stories and the background to his research, my full-on embracing of this methodology has since waned.

It is interesting to me how humans struggle not only to identify our own emotions but the value we place upon emotions as if there is a ranking system of desirability or usefulness for them. By focusing on “happiness” we risk creating a culture that leans too far into “toxic positivity space” which feels both disingenuine and dangerous to me.

Toxic Positivity can be described as a desire to maintain a positive outlook no matter what is happening in one’s life.

Examples of this are “Good Vibes Only”, “It’ll all work out” or “Just be Grateful for the things you have.”

While I do see value in keeping things light-hearted when we can (I have been told I can be REAL serious and know that can be…too much for some…..) there is also value in feeling and expressing whatever emotions we as humans are experiencing. By over-emphasizing the value of “happiness” as if it is the ultimate goal, are we in some real ways limiting the full potential of the human experience? Are we creating more dis-ease in thinking this is the only emotion or the most important emotional state for humans?

Last Friday, SCOTUS released their opinions on several very serious & arguably controversial issues. While I disagreed we most of their decisions (I know, who am I? Does it matter what little ole me from the mid-west thinks?) I had a visceral reaction when I learned it is now “legal” to claim one’s religious beliefs as justification to discriminate against doing business with people who are in the LGBT-Q+ community. I was really, really, angry. I did what I do when I am attempting to process BIG emotions in my life, and I wrote. And posted my blog. Part of me wanted to apologize for my very flowery, f-bomb-heavy expression of my anger in my previous post. Then…I was reminded of the book entitled “The Book of Joy: Happiness in a Changing World.”

In this beautifully written book, the author is interviewing The Dalai Lama and the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu. While both of these men exude/exuded JOY from seemingly every cell of their human bodies, they openly discussed their struggles, their difficult emotions, and their anger. Reading these wise, spiritual humans’ educated/spiritually informed opinions about the value and importance of what they referred to as “just anger” was something that caused me to pause…..

If there is something known as “just anger” which they referred to as a necessary component for us, as humans, to stand up and take action when something is wrong in our world (i.e. the Holocaust), then is it possible other “less desirable” emotions also have purpose and value? And if they do have value, can we let go of the position that places the emotion of happiness above all others?

(I will continue to question the value of shame and worry…but that is a topic for another day)

I am certain I offended people in my last blog both with my use of flowery f’bomb-heavy language and my absolute and unwavering support of the LGBT-Q+ community. I lost “followers” to my blog. The people-pleasing part of me initially thought, Oh no! I went too far. I need to rewrite the blog. I need to tone it down. I just want to be happy! I don’t like this feeling of anger, hurt, or fear for all my loved ones who identify either openly or still “closeted” within this community and the impact this decision had on THEIR lives. Who is protecting them? If I applied the “just keep a positive attitude” to this concern, what feels like the true evils of the world, win! And…what do I do with all the emotions this decision has stirred within me?

Learning to be comfortable with discomfort. Leaning into difficult feelings and emotions. Agitating others so they have no other option but to hear you. This…is what creates a potential for change. It isn’t from my ‘just be happy’ or ‘find your own bliss’ which I totally love and can get behind to some degree because it quite frankly feels better…. and I can stand up and voice my anger for those who are already vulnerable, often seen as “other” and have been marginalized throughout our history. Both can be true. Both, have value.

My hope for my own journey is simply this: To be brave enough to speak my own truth and to embrace ALL my emotions without judgment or a hierarchical ranking system. To find that sweet spot between letting go and fighting for what is just and right. And to gently push back the next time someone says to me “You look prettier when you have a smile on your face and you are happy” with this response:

I am not here to simply be happy. I am not here to make others happy. I am not here to “be prettier” for anyone in my life….. I am here to live fully, embrace all that is happening to and around me, and stand up for others when I see them hurting. And if I offend some along the way, maybe that was my job all along.

Wishing you all the courage to embrace ALL your emotions and to learn to be comfortable with discomfort. In this space, growth is possible, and yes, even joy and happiness…….

Shawn Achor Ted Talk

Grace.

Empathy.

And a heavy dose of MIND YOUR OWN F’ING BUSINESS!

I am so incredibly saddened by the decisions SCOTUS made. While they are all upsetting for different reasons, I am focusing on this one as it scares me the most.

The decision that was made, supporting ‘religious beliefs’ (which, by the way, were a totally fictitious scenario the ‘plaintiff’ never even was asked to do by ANYONE let alone a ‘gay couple’ ) allows the plaintiff (and now anyone who wants to lean into this ‘religious beliefs’ justification) to now discriminate against others whom she finds their sexual orientation to be “offensive and against her religious beliefs.”

Wow. Just WOW!

Do you know what I find offensive? Our nation’s obsession with gun ownership. I loathe guns & I loathe gun culture. I find it offensive that someone is allowed to own a stockpile of nearly whatever guns he/she/they want to own, and there’s nothing I can do or say, even if my ‘religious belief’ aligns with pacifism, to legally discriminate against gun owners in this country. I accept and continue to show compassion, grace, and empathy.

Why can’t the same be extended to members within the LBGT-Q+ community? People within the community are:

• Creating music, art, film, and art that beautifies our world!

• Styling our world in fashion, design, and hair!

• And….

• Running for political office, owning businesses, creating jobs, administering medical care, and protecting you while they have jobs in law enforcement, EMT, and the military.

• Our neighbors, our friends, our family (even if you “think” no one in your world is…yes, yes ‘they’ are in your world too.”)

What can be said about gun owners? The ones we keep suggesting we “can’t make any changes whatsoever because their rights are protected by the first amendment?” For some reason, this one is protected but other “final decisions by SCOTUS” are apparently up for future debates?

Their right…can kill me and/or someone I love.

Awesome. We protect this……………….Those who are in power don’t see an issue with this, that can ACTUALLY kill you, but wow…LGBT-Q+ are the scary ones? What?

I accept this (though I do truly hope and pray one day we can invoke safer gun laws and reduce or eliminate any assault-style weapons in our world) and can still show up with compassion, empathy, and grace for those who believe differently about his/her/their desire to own guns in our country.

Why is it so freaking hard for others to do this for people within the LGBT'-Q+ community? Because a huge glaring difference is, despite our country’s valiant efforts to shame people within this community ‘out of’ their sexual orientation, that is absolutely NOT how sexual orientation works. And you don’t have to “be part of” or truly “believe” in their “lifestyle choices” to be a decent fucking human being! What is wrong with people who can’t understand this?

Make the damn cake. It doesn’t make you GAY!

Make the theoretical website. It doesn’t make you TRANS!

Sell the starter home. It doesn’t turn you into a QUEER!

It’s not that complicated. Stop hiding behind your “religious” beliefs and start recognizing if you can’t get this…. YOU ARE HOMOPHOBIC and that… makes you a BAD Person…not a “conservative religious” person.

What do you REALLY think Jesus would do?

Look to scripture, who did he surround himself with in his life?

Compassion. Grace. Empathy. And Mind Your OWN FUCKING business is my hope for our world.

Peace, out…….

The conference had over 12,000 people (yes, I said 12,000!) and over 500+ workshops/lectures throughout the week. There simply were too many options each day to choose from! My nerdy-therapist self was able to listen to the brilliant voices in the field like:

• Bessel Van der Kolk, MD (The Body Keeps the Score)

• Richard Schwartz (Internal Family Systems/IFS)

• James S Gordon (Center for Mind-Body Medicine)

• Melissa Etheridge (yes, that Melissa Etheridge who discussed how plant-based medicines)

• Roland Griffiths (neuroscientist and researcher at Johns Hopkins)

• Rick Doblin, the founder of MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association of Psychedelic Science) several times.

Hearing them all speak about their own experiences with psychedelics (yes, they all have had personal experiences) and the power of psychedelic-assisted therapy (PAT) was just what I needed to hear this week.

There is hope…

I’ve been in the field of psychology and social work for nearly 30 years now. Like anyone who continues to work professionally in this field of study, I’ve attended countless workshops and conferences, and trainings and often left energized but felt that energy and enthusiasm quickly fade. This time, it feels different as if our culture has this opportunity for a renaissance within the mental HEALTH (vs illness) field. What if our demonization of psychedelics for the past 50 years has truly been the missed opportunities for individuals to truly heal and live more fulfilling lives? Isn’t that better for our entire society?

One of the presenters had this very interesting reflection I want to share…. in his observation, we are fine with prescribing medications with a myriad of side effects that “sometimes” lift the symptoms of depression in that patients are no longer suicidal or harming themselves. However, they do not help people truly find happiness. Those who have regularly used psychedelics (and trust me, there were MANY in this space) either clinically or recreationally routinely express feeling happier and “healing” from their experiences after the effects of the psychedelics fade. Why isn’t that something we would support for all? To have the opportunity to be in an altered state to finally heal from trauma, heal from depression, heal from addiction, heal from disordered eating, and finally, be at peace with the transition for end of life care….why wouldn’t we want this for all of us, to have this option? If this is a path for true healing, true joy, and true happiness…. why are we not fully embracing this treatment modality?

I encourage any of you who are open enough and reading this post to do your own research. Visit MAPS or search for those who are doing medical/clinical research on psychedelics in our country.

(Ps. many other countries are already offering PAT to people in need…. we are WAY behind in our adopting of this treatment modality)

Hope on the horizon…. is not that far….

The use of MDMA (aka Molly or ecstasy) for veterans with PTSD has passed the Phase III clinical trial stage and is soon going to be submitted for FDA approval- to have the use of MDMA in psychedelic-assisted therapy. In a world that masks/numbs the physical/physical and emotional pain that is often associated with just being human, this offers hope, to truly be free and joyful!

Hoping for a world that puts JOY, HEALING, and HEALTH above profits or at a minimum, finds a way to make this modality profitable to those who need that assurance to get behind this movement.

When tickets were purchased, the reality of this occurring the same weekend as my 30th-year college reunion was not on the radar. Going to college out of state, and having classmates all over the world, the opportunity to “go home” (University of Dayton) is a once-in-every-5-year opportunity I typically don’t pass up. The ability to act like a “college kid” for a few days, why would anyone miss out on this opportunity? Thus, leading up to the weekend, I was so excited to see one of my favorite bands as they “swan-song” it out of existence and sad I would miss some precious opportunities to catch up with friends from long ago. Texting, social media, and random calls do not make up for face-to-face connections. What to do?

The culture that exists in Dead shows is unique and can best be described as chill, accepting, and a nearly constant state of just being. Throughout my life, I have both leaned into and pushed back that inner knowing I have of being a hippie of sorts, and being in this space, I feel like I truly belong. I can channel my inner-hippie and trust no one looks at me as being other in this process. My spirit feels the most aligned when I am honoring this free-spirited part of me. It is in these spaces when our inner-knowing and outward appearance are aligned that we truly find belonging. It makes me wonder why I try to hide this part of me at all.

All I can come up with is this: when I am silly when I am not intentionally and methodically cultivating the image I believe others want to see me as being, I have been dismissed and written off as not being all that intelligent or having value. Thus, in an effort to almost say “But wait, I can be both” I have learned to lean more into my intellect and then inadvertently come off as being overly serious and at times, “un-fun.”

What the actual F? Why can’t I be both?

So, this weekend I really explored all my sides, talking with strangers (introverts RARELY do this), dancing like no one was watching (because, let’s be honest, a large portion of the crowd was high on something so I’m sure they weren’t watching me at all!), stayed out too late, wore crazy dresses with dancing bears (google if you don’t know what this is) and steal your face symbols, and I let whatever was to come up for the weekend be met with curiosity and joy rather than having to meticulously plan the entire weekend’s event. It was seeing the Dead, and that was enough.

Incidentally, 2 of my college friends and a childhood friend also went to the show. Had I been so rigid and decided I needed to go to the reunion, I would’ve missed out on the opportunity to be with all of them in this beautiful space. Where there be another opportunity to be with my college classmates/sorority sisters in 5 years, probably, but this was a once-in-a-lifetime weekend, and one I am truly grateful for in my life. FAR beyond the amazing music I heard, the gift I received was a gentle reminder for me to be…well more of ME, and that….is enough……

And P.S. Intellect and free-spirited traits can both exist in a person. And only now, I don’t need validation from others to remind me this can be true because I know…it’s true for me. And that’s….enough….

So embrace your inner-hippie. Or Don’t…. I just wish for all of you to find the joy and hold on to it like I did, and will, from this weekend.

And hearing Sugar Magnolia for the first time ever, live….was something I will never ever forget.

How could anyone be MAD at Ted Lasso? And truth is, I am!

I have no intention to ruin the ending for those who haven’t watched the last episode (of the season? Series?) yet. My strong emotional reaction to last night’s show is this……

WHY IS THE SERIES ENDING? (POSSIBLY?)

I heard the rationale being the writers are content with the natural arc and progression and the end seemed to be imminent for the storyline they wanted to tell. While I understand this completely and respect the decision to not just keep a show on air to receive a paycheck when it has passed its peak, I am left wondering if this show truly hit its peak. Are we sure?

Aren’t there STILL stories that can be told by other characters in the cast?

Doesn’t our world STILL need reminders to:

Be Kind.

Support your friends no matter what.

LOVE others even if you don’t always agree with them.

We are all stronger when we work as a TEAM!

Don’t see STILL need those reminders?

We are inundated with so much negativity and divisiveness in our world. I loved how this brilliant show tackled complicated subjects in such simple ways with the common thread of doing the right thing, with love. For me, I was sad to see such endearing characters start to make these sweeping changes in their lives and it just….ended! I hope it’s not the end, I hope we have more opportunities to:

Cheer for AFC Richmond a few more times

See Dani Rojas smile a few more times

Gaze in wonder at Keele’s amazing fashion sense and fantastical outfits a few more times

Chuckle at Roy Kent saying “Whistle, Whistle” a few more times…….

I simply loved everything about Ted Lasso and applaud the writers for their courage in addressing difficult topics with grace and love. Joining the likes of Parks & Rec and Queer Eye, Ted Lasso….please don’t go! You are EXACTLY what our world needs right about now…..

Wishing you peace, and a forever reminder…. to BELIEVE. In yourself, and the good in our world.

A few Sundays ago….I did.

• Are you claustrophobic?

• Do you like to have control over your environment?

• Do you like to engage in activities and practices you are familiar with or have some sort of understanding or mastery over?

  Well……if this describes you even just a little…. this blog is for you!

The attached photo is in some magical/tropical (unknown to me) space with a permanent Sweat Lodge structure on it. I included it for reference, to better understand the space I am referring to. Out of respect for the spiritual tradition I was fortunate enough to participate in but not be part of, I will keep specifics about the ritual vague. Choosing to focus on my experience, I hope, helps others who might also be allowing their fears to keep them small, stuck, or limiting their potential. My specific experience is not nearly as important as understanding the role FEAR can play in each of our lives.

We all have fears, often connected to the unknown and what we have heard in our lives about certain situations or creatures, etc that feed the narrative in our minds. While I have shockingly never encountered a shark in the wild, despite my lifetime of seeking beach vacations that border bodies of water where such creatures live, I have heard and watched enough videos to believe (albeit unrealistically, perhaps) such a creature is waiting in the water to chomp on my leg or arm if I let myself get too comfortable or too far in the water. The FEAR I have of sharks is based on what messages I have allowed to shape the narrative I have in my head of sharks being aggressive human eaters. It’s what’s in my head, not my experience, that makes me FEAR the sharks. It’s what is in my head that limits my ability to truly enjoy swimming freely in the ocean. The narrative is all in my head, not my personal experience.

Claustrophobia, however, does have a known experience in my life. I had not realized how incredibly primal that fear was until …well this, as I have avoided the opportunity to face this fear by limiting my experiences, and politely passing on opportunities to either test myself or grow out of this fear. Crawling into this structure, sitting close to strangers, feeling the temperature rise as each hot rock was placed inside and then “poured” with water to create steam…I thought, ok it’s tight, it’s really warm (little did I know) but yeah…it’s ok……..

Then…..

The flap on the outside was turned down. Darkness…… like I have never, ever experienced in my life.

(The Sweat Lodge I experienced had a very, very, thick canvas cloth that covered the structure. The cloth was heavy and opaque blocking out every single molecule of light that could enter the structure once the flap was closed. )

As soon as that flap was turned down…..this shy, quiet, introverted me let out a very loud “OMG, I can’t do this I need to get out!”

Being a psychotherapist, I have both read about and spoken to clients about the reptilian brain. In MacLean’s triune brain model, the basal ganglia are referred to as this or our primal brain. It is this part of the brain that controls our innate and automatic self-preserving behavior patterns, which ensure our survival and that of our species. In other words, it’s our flight or fight sensor.

Instantly, without thought, without consideration of anything or anyone around me other than I was more terrified than I had ever been in my life, I cried I wanted OUT!

I stayed……..

These lovely strangers, on both sides of me, held me in this beautiful and gentle way that allowed me to find my center, find my calm, and just allow myself to face my fear head-on. I sat cross-legged, with my torso as low to the ground as possible, and allowed ALL THE FEAR to the surface, allowing myself to just be. In the beginning, thoughts came to me, mostly irrational of:

• What if the people outside left and forget we are there and don’t open up the flap?

• What happens next?

• What if I say something ‘wrong’?

You see, along with my fear of tight/dark/closed-in spaces, I also “somewhat” like to be in control of my environment and am adverse to trying and doing new things I don’t already somehow have mastery over. Irrational, I am aware. So this experience ticked all my uncomfortable boxes. The ONLY way it could’ve been worse is if I had also been naked in the Sweat Lodge, which I was not.

When I was able to accept the discomfort, I was then afforded the gifts that came from such a transformative experience. I was able to have this unique spiritual experience that felt connected to my ancestors and those near and far in a way that I had been longing for in my life for so long. It allowed me to remove the veil of a carefully thought-out image I’d like the world to have of me, and really see ME for who I am. Both flaws and beauty in a way that I cannot see in the light. The darkness, literal and figurative, illuminated in an unexpected way the parts of me that I need to, want to, both work on and let go of in my life.

The flap was opened and closed several times, and each time, my fear lessened.

I emerged into the light sweating more than I had in all my 5 marathons (and training for them) combined, crying more tears than I thought were possible for one person to shed, and emitting more snot than I even want to acknowledge…… and yet, felt more alive and beautiful than I have felt in a very long time.

I'd like to say this experience magically erased my long history with claustrophobia, but the truth is I do not know how I will feel the next time an opportunity arises for me to test myself. What I do know is this: I now have a very recent memory of doing something I was absolutely terrified to do and NOT allowing my fear to make the decision for me. I acknowledged the fear, I let it surface and I was able to sit with it and not run from it.

I don’t want to run from my fears anymore. I don’t want to live small or make decisions to keep me unnecessarily safe at the expense of my own personal growth. Do you?

If our spiritual being is given one human experience in this magical thing called “life”, with an unknown number of trips around the sun, do you want to make decisions out of fear, or curiosity? Fear or confidence? Fear or love? Fear or joy? Fear or accomplishment?

What fears do you have? If you aren’t ready to face them, then when???????????????

Wishing you all awareness of your fears and COURAGE to face them head-on!

Peace in your journey……….

• Felt like a fully-functioning adult

• Had it “all” figured out

• Stopped caring what others thought about me

Well….. I officially turned “52” yesterday and am keenly aware these same questions flitter about in my head.

Driving Ms. Gloria (aka my grandmother-in-law) lived to be 93 years old. Shortly before she died, I remember her explaining to me the disconnect she felt inside her mind and the image she saw of herself in the mirror or in photos. While she knew she was 93, she felt decades younger in her heart and mind. More recently, I caught a few moments of a news segment explaining this disconnect Grandma was describing as her own felt experience. In our mind, we often are not the chronological age our driver’s license or passports may indicate.

Who is this person with grey hairs? Or sagging skin?

In high school, I remember thinking you are an adult when you get to college. Then I was in college and certainly made countless decisions that would not be described as “healthy adult decisions.”

Then…I got married, bought a house, had children, went to grad school, had jobs, paid taxes, traveled alone, obtained professional jobs with fancy titles, and opened up my own private practice…..all the “things” I thought made someone feel like an adult….and yet I continue wondering if this is all it is to be an adult? What else am I missing?

This past weekend, I was able to participate in this new-to-me path for spiritual exploration. It both intrigued and terrified me. During this experience, I had this overwhelming inner knowing that my personal growth journey-my seeking to know I am “adulting appropriately” has nothing to do with accomplishing more, rather it is with being, more.

What the hell does that mean?

What I thought “adulting” meant as a 20something-year-old was connected to what one accomplishes. In order to be an “adult” I needed to do. I needed to achieve to prove my value in the world. And without hesitation, I can say to myself I have “done” all the things I thought I needed to do to properly “adult.” However, what I missed in the view of adulthood is really identifying who I am. What do I want/need in this world to feel and experience joy? To simply, be….

Believing I needed to caretake for all around me fed the narrative of what I thought a “fully functioning adult” was. While it gave me validation and admiration from those I thought I needed to please, a lifetime of this practice has left wounds in me I am only starting to see and learning to heal myself. If it’s not about “the doing” or finding the next challenge I can put a checkmark or cross off as completed. I know I do all that stuff really really well. What is surfacing for me is the deeper question of who REALLY am I without my titles/job/accomplishments in life and do I REALLY like the person I’ve become or are there parts of my person that still need to heal and grow? That is the work, in my humble opinion, to truly feel like I am a fully functioning adult. Not the tasks or doing, but simply finding her in my being…… to simply, be…..

In Mexico a few months ago, we all sat on the rooftop and stared at all the stars that were so much brighter than back home as we were in a more remote part of the county. I lay on the lounge chairs, quiet as I gazed at the seemingly endless number of stars burning so brightly in the night sky above me. I remember feeling so small, so insignificant. I lay there thinking how foolish it even sounds to think we can have it “all figured out” when we, as humans, are just one tiny speck in the fabric of our universe, let alone the universes beyond what our eyes can see. Since then, this bubbling notion inside continues to remind me the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. I’ve studied human behavior through psychology and social work for most of my life and human behavior, the “whys”, continue to fascinate (and sometimes frustrate) me. Maybe that serves me and all of us so we don’t stop growing and learning in our lifetime. Maybe it’s not in the “figuring it all out” but in accepting there are questions that will never be answered, mysteries that will never be solved, and our true growth and adulting is learning to accept and to simply, be….

Every day, without conscious thought or intent, I think about what my body looks like, what my hair looks like, and what I am going to wear for the day. I can fixate on what others think of me like it’s an Olympic sport. It is not in a “oh I’m just curious” way but a highly critical and judgmental monologue that plays a very negative narrative on repeat in my head. The negative comments I have heard about my body both from peers and from consuming societal/marketing/advertising expectations for the female body have prepared me to have a shame-filled relationship with my body. No matter my weight, how I style my hair, or what I wear, I am consciously aware my choices are fueled by my desire to fit into what society and others have suggested or told me I should look like. Yesterday, as I prepared for work, officially stepping into YES THIS IS 52, I took my first little albeit insignificant step and got dressed in the very first outfit I chose, put on more comfortable even if they aren’t the coolest shoes ever, put my hair up rather than fixating on it a million times throughout the day…. and instead of worrying so much about what others might think of me this day, I let myself just simply, be…….

It’s a…painfully slow, and small step that is helping me better understand the delicate balance between growing older and not necessarily growing old. I want to appreciate the wisdom I have gained in my now 52 years and include in that wisdom:

• It’s ok to not always feel like I’m a fully functioning adult, allowing my inner whimsy/pixie spirit to emerge.

• It’s ok to not have it all figured out, in fact, the notion is absolutely absurd that we could in this lifetime.

• Stopping freaking caring what others think of me!

Here’s to 52! Here’s to letting go of thoughts, behaviors, and people who no longer serve me. Here’s to living life authentically and bravely each and every day. And here’s to loving myself and others exactly as I am they are. And here's to doing things that scare the shit out of me whenever possible!

Here’s to…… 52!

Into our adulthood, we sometimes attempt to fool or shame ourselves into thinking acknowledgment for doing good work or achieving is beneath us, unnecessary, or selfish in nature.

I am writing to give you permission to acknowledge that inner child as STILL needing acknowledgment and that acknowledgment in no way makes you selfish or needy or immature, it simply recognizes your humanity and our need to believe our existence in life, what we do, matters in this world.

I have been a writer truly as long as I can remember. That sounds trite but truly, I do not remember a time when writing was the lesser preferred method of communication for me. My office desk has the ONLY edition of my VERY first written work “Queen Mary & The Disco Man” circa early elementary school that I am quite certain was destined to be a best-seller if it hadn’t been lost in a box of papers only recently unearthed from my parents. It serves as a reminder for me to continue to do what is innate and at times comes through me not of me as I write.

While I have maintained a journal, privately, for several years, my public writing has never been about me as much as my desire to connect with others, illuminate our collective experiences and be that light (if/when needed) for others who feel lost in the darkness, and dreadfully alone.

However….. it has been really hard recently.

At times, it feels like I am writing into a void, having little clarity as to who is reading my blogs or how it might resonate with others. I have no idea how to or if it’s important enough to grow the audience of my blog. I wrote and published my actual first book, which met with a lukewarm reception leaving me with feelings of insecurity and failure.

And professionally, I am in a complicated space of also not being able to have an accurate knowing if the work I do as a psychotherapist is “good” as I can’t actually ask my clients “Hey, what do you think about me as a therapist” Yes, I have maintained a full-case load for years, and yes clients refer others to me which would seem like I could take that as meaning “I am doing good” but…. the missing link is this….

GOLD STARS. Scratch n sniff stickers. GR8!

We all need this! When life is steep in subtleties and minutia, we need some way of knowing when we are feeling lost in the vastness of this amazing world, what we do, what we say, how we feel, matters….

Writing about insecurities, body image, depression, failures, heartaches, and heartbreaks is not a fun process but it has felt necessary and something I have felt compelled to do- called to do- mission-based. Recently, when I was reviewing all my failures: slow progress with blog growth (does this matter? I don’t know), book “failure”, and resurgence of some long-held insecurities, I felt like quitting all public writing and just doing my day job and fading back into silence. Then….

GOLD STARS. Scratch n sniff….

On the same day, as if the Universe of God knew I needed it, 2 completely unrelated friends sent me the most gracious messages about my blog posts and how it impacts their life.

I was humbled. I was emotional. I was back- to the root reason why I do what I do. To connect with others- to share my own vulnerabilities so that I am modeling it as a SAFE & NECESSARY process for all of you. We are not alone, AND sometimes we need others to simply say “hey, good job” and we regain the spark that is attempting to be snuffed out by the toxicity, self-centeredness, and darkness of our world.

So… please remember GOLD STARS matter. AND…you can share this love and support with others.

• Your favorite yoga teacher is especially amazing today? TELL HIM/HER!

• Your barista’s smile is especially infectious today. TELL HIM/HER! (don’t be creepy though…move along after)

• Your friend is having a particularly difficult day, send a supportive message or funny gif!

Be the person you want to see in the world. Be the GOLD STAR.

Be kinder than necessary, you never know what sorrow the other person is carrying along with them in this world.

Wishing you peace, love, and knowing, YOU DESERVE THE GOLD STAR! (Just not the strawberry or banana scratch n sniff, those are mine!)

Of hurts? Disappointments? Dreams that maybe were never meant to be?

In meditation today, intentionally I focused on the concept of letting go in my own life. Leaning on one of my all-time favorite meditator gurus, Jack Kornfield, I sat with this difficult concept. I needed this today. I heard so clearly, and something just clicked in my head and heart:

If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness.

If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness.

If you let go completely, you will be FREE!

And maybe that is what we all seek, to be free! To be free from holding on to our hurt, our disappointments, and our dreams that are not meant to be in this life. I so clearly understand, holding on to expectations of how I think things should be only serves to cause heartache and strife in my life. While I don’t appear to be a control freak (though I have self-proclaimed myself as such in the past) there are parts of my life I desperately want to have an influence on the outcome, on the path or direction and the players who will be involved in this path. I do love that life continues to offer learning opportunities for each of us if we are open, and most recently my learning has brought my awareness to this:

CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION!

It’s futile. It’s an energy suck. It’s exhausting.

In our attempt to control the outcome for ourselves, we are missing the fact that we are deeply connected in this life to others and our paths, our dreams, and our visions may be in direct opposition to what others are attempting to control in their own lives. Because, let’s face it…this is not a unique struggle for me, right? We all want to control what we fear, what we can’t see, and what we don’t understand. And yet…what would happen if we trusted the Universe (or God if that works for you) more and just let go completely?

Would we have more space to:

Play

Dance

Love

Write

Explore

Rest

Be……

For the better part of nearly 52 years, I have tried to control to some degree my image, my weight, what others might think of me (though I know, what other people think of me is none of my business…. borrowed from a friend and yogi Lauren Landani), events in my life and the people in my life at times. None of that brings me joy. None of that allows me to be fully present when my thoughts or intentions are elsewhere.

Maybe this is the year….. to just let go. And be…. because more than I can express in words, the concept of being free from all the shit all of us carry around, sounds incredibly appealing. Maybe even appealing enough for me…. the self-proclaimed control freak, to simply…let go….completely…..

Want to join me?

Maybe we could have a collective ceremonial “burning all the stuff that no longer serves us” together? I’m open to ideas… feel free to comment or message me!

Wishing you all freedom from what weighs you down, keeps you stuck, and limits your potential. Wishing you all the willingness to simply….let all that shit go!

Peace….