Ok, enough apologies and public service announcements.

On with the Lunchtime Humor Show!!

Peacock & Paisley

Peacock & Paisley

The male cardinal has stunning, deep red plumage.  The female cardinal is much more muted, more of a quiet fall foliage set of colors.  The male gently and thoughtfully feeds the female, even when they don’t have babies in the nest.  She will sit in a nearby tree while he goes in and out of the birdfeeder.  He carefully chooses the seeds for her, brings them over to her, and delicately feeds her.  When they have children, he will bring her food as she sits in the nest.  They both share equally in raising their children.  He will sit in the nest, also, tending the babies.  When he does this, he changes his plumage from “pull me over” red to the same comparatively dull but well-camouflaged female colors.  I like a man who embraces his female side in order to care for his family!!!  But it is also about hiding what you’re doing when necessary.

Are you being treated well by your partner?  Are you treating your partner well?

When you see a cardinal, watch its behavior to take your cues about what it’s telling you you need to do.

Ted Andrews says that cardinals embody “renewed vitality through recognizing self-importance,” and that the number 12 is connected with them. Cardinals lay three to four eggs, and they hatch in about twelve days.  Look for cycles or time frames of 12 hours, days, weeks, months, years.  They also eat cicadas (which come in 17 and 13 year cycles), as well as weed seeds and injurious insects.  Andrews says that this can “reflect a need to be more careful about  your diet,” but it seems to me to be the reverse as well, that what bothers others, you clean up in the course of living, that your style provides goodness for you and helps to keep the ecosystem around you  in balance.

Female cardinals whistle just as well as males, adding to the gender equality of this bird.  Assert yourselves, women!  Sing your song right out loud and clear.  For men, remember that it is good for everyone to express all aspects of themselves, including femininity.  Creativity and intuition are native to and good for both sexes.

Be careful with and appreciate your Self.  Hide what you need to hide while you need to hide it.  Sing to all the world when you can.  Expect balance and sharing and tenderness in partnership.

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But Mainers also voted to make pot legal, the medical kind.  Considering the economy is so bad in Maine, and has been since long before the recession, that lots of people are paying the bills producing and selling the stuff without the hassle of a license, none of this makes sense.  Especially since moving to New Hampshire, where gay marriage is legal, is easy, it’s a stone’s throw away (maybe that’s a bad choice of words, but within spitting distance isn’t any good, either).  For those of us in the southern tip of Maine, NH is where we shop, get our hair cut, go to the doctor, etc. etc. etc.  NH is business-supportive, personally liberal (at least in southern NH).  Starting to be a no-brainer.  Ooops, I mean brain-drain……

But I’m tremendously partial to the land, beaches, and lakes here in Maine.

Come on, people, equality for all!!  Social justice inherently requires fair and equal treatment and rights for everyone.

Peacock & Paisley

Just wanted to share my little slice of heavenly fall foliage, gorgeous sun, and stellarly-blue sky with you all.

~Heather Cate

Peacock & Paisley

I first heard about Ray’s passing through a fellow alum’s blog posting via Facebook.  It is great — entitled “Don’t Go.” Here are a few snips of it:

Don’t go

You are important to someone. Even if that person is too little to say it to you yet. Even if you haven’t talked to that person in years. There is someone who will never recover from the you-sized hole you leave if you go.

….Don’t go.

This post is for my friend Ray, who went.

I was totally moved when I read this, but had no idea that I knew the Ray it was for.  Then, I discovered it was about the Ray who brought sunshine to my life when I was deeply sorrowed by the loss of my favorite great uncle, and a number of other things.

Regrets?   How not to have them:

Someone who knew Ray better than I shared that “Ray had double knee replacement in May, and ended up with infections and complications.  It was a slow recovery, and he needed more surgery.”   She knew that he was depressed and struggling, and feels guilty for not having done something.  I wrote her an email:

Thanks for shedding light on the circumstances.

My favorite uncle committed suicide while I was at Bryn Mawr, one in a string of events that led me to take time off.   He was elderly (he was actually my great uncle) and had complex, long-term debilitating, life-miserating health complications.   Some of my relatives, particularly my grandmother, were really angry with him and very very upset about the suicide part, felt it was selfish, etc.   I was really upset about the dead part.   My face swelled up and I couldn’t stop sobbing.   Part of the reason he killed himself, in addition to being miserable and knowing he definitely did not want to live in a nursing home (his first and very beloved wife did, and deteriorated and it was just awful — he lived at home but spent every single day for years with her, and it was even considered to be a good nursing home), he wanted to make sure that his house and enough money to live on went to his second wife.   He didn’t want the financial resources she needed to live out her days decently to be dissipated caring for him when he didn’t want to be here anyways.

I was sorry for my grandmother and grandfather to have found him and to have had to handle his body.   But it wasn’t a surprise.   He’d been trying for a long time.   This I didn’t find out until he was dead.   Had I known, had people not been trying to “protect” other people (really themselves) by hiding the truth, I could have called more often, visited more often, sent cards, told him I loved him.   *That*, like you, I truly regretted.   I didn’t know he was so sick, I didn’t know he was so miserable, I didn’t know he wanted to die.   I lived in Pennsylvania, he lived in Maine.   It wasn’t like I was some jerk who didn’t care — I cared deeply, but didn’t have access to the information that would have changed my actions.

So, between his death, and the sudden and the slow deaths of other family members and good friends, I’ve learned never to let a moment pass when I feel the urge to tell someone how wonderful they are.   The only thing that can be damaged by this liberal application of goodness is my image in their eyes.   So I do it frequently.   We all need to know we’re loved and appreciated.   Our spirit is just as important to our continued living as the meeting of our physical needs.   And since they’re all connected, we have to find ways of taking care of both.

We can’t undo the situation with Ray, and we can’t save everybody all the time, but moving forward, we can take action as a community of friends when we know something is wrong for someone.   Even just a few kind words can be more helpful than we can imagine.

But it was Ray’s choice.   You can’t stop someone when they’re determined.   He wasn’t making a botched attempt / cry for help like Rachael’s friend.   He just plain did it.   We all have Free Will.   And there may be circumstances we aren’t yet aware of that led him to be sure he wanted to go.   Sometimes people are muddled and make what from the outside seems to have been a bad decision.   Sometimes people’s rationals are actually reasonable.   It’s their choice.

If Ray had died from infection, or a blood clot, we’d still be in mourning, but not feeling guilty.   Let’s sit down with ourselves and figure out what we want to do differently the next time we see someone who looks unhappy, the next time someone we love indicates things are not well.   Let’s be open to knowing what’s going on with people, be sensitive even when it’s inconvenient.   Let’s forgive ourselves but be open to the lessons and apply what we’ve learned.

I’m just now realizing how important Ray was in my life.

I was totally intimidated by his height.   He was a hugely tall, beautifully athletic man.   He was always warm, friendly, encouraging, and greeted me with a smile full of sunshine that beamed down at me and warmed my day, no matter how bad it was.  I’m 5′2″, and I think Ray was the tallest man I’d ever met at that point, maybe 8′10″ or something — I have no idea how tall he really was, I was just intimidated.   He was like the Jolly Green Sunshine Giant to me.   I’d gone to Bryn Mawr, a women’s college, for a lot of excellent reasons, but also partly because I was escaping an abusive father and family.   I was struggling with this at the time, and not 100% conscious of all the issues.

I didn’t realize until today that Ray helped me through my fear of men.   Plain and simple.  It was little things: a smile, a nod, cheering for me (and everybody else) at fieldhockey games.   I knew I was completely safe in his presence.   He was gentle in spirit with me.   I never felt awkward or uncomfortable or exposed around him.   Even with that, though, I kind of avoided him.   I really liked him, but I guess subconsciously I still felt too unsafe.

Maybe on some level, Ray knew this.   He was always kind to me, for which I was truly grateful at the time, and even more so now that I realize its impact.

Thank you, Ray.

Many of us are deeply feeling and regretting the loss of Ray.   There’s a wonderful Facebook group for Ray where people are sharing pictures and memories of him.

Here’s what a few other people are saying about Ray:

…a memory I have of Ray at a swim meet. Deborah was having an asthma attack…. pretty bad. Ray was over to her lane in two seconds flat, scooped her out of the water as if she weighed ten pounds, and took her to the infirmary. Once she was in his arms we know she was okay.

Ray touched the hearts of many. If only he knew just how much…….

Ray told me once that we all needed to exercise and take care of our bodies,because we can. Because we are not stuck in a wheelcha ir or paraplegic and we owed it to people who were to be doing the things that we are capable of.   This lesson, of doing what is right because I am fortunate to have the opportunity is another Ray-lesson that I try to live by.  I’ll miss Ray dearly and will think of him often (as I usually do) when I’m struggling though a little 2-mile run and telling myself  “Come-on Mare, Bust!”

I’ll echo the sentiment that he took us, as women, and our chronically losing Division 3 team very seriously. We were in shape and like the Bad News Bears, could run any team into the ground and scramble around for a win or two. 13 years after graduating I am still confident in my weight lifting and fitness, because I had a remarkable early influence in Ray. He was so dedicated and never belittled or blew off anyone; when looking back I wonder how he could have taken me seriously freshman year – overweight, out of shape, and I wanted to play college sports???

He was such a positive & good natured force.

I’ve always said that Ray is the only trainer I’ve ever worked with who took women’s bodies seriously. He just had this amazing faith in what our bodies were capable of, and he projected that faith onto our 18-22-year-old selves. He ta ught me to feel proud of my strength and to put an enormous amount of value onto what my body could do, and I just feel hugely grateful to have had this person in my life. I learned so many things from Ray, from things as small as weightlifting form to as crucial as knowing how far I could push myself. Ray was someone who enabled and facilitated athletes to really explore and learn the outer limits of our abilities, and that was Ray’s talent and amazing gift to every athlete who was fortunate enough to work with him.

I never played a sport at Bryn Mawr, and I’m not an athlete. But I did plenty of exercising in the fitness center, and Ray always took me and my body seriously. He treated me like I was an athlete without expecting me to be one.

He was kind, hilarious and a serious motivator.

He brought out the best in me as an athlete and a person and I am forever grateful to him for that. He will be greatly missed.

…all the wonderful things about Ray. He truly was a someone who brightened my day no matter how bad things were. He had something special about him that made everyone feel at ease. He also knew how to make others realize their own potential, and help them reach it; not only through weight-lifting, but far beyond. His smile was contagious and his “hey bud” always brought a smile to others faces.

Ray helped me tremendously, especially during my senior year, and I was so happy to have him at our indoor and outdoor track and field conferences. You always felt like Ray’s cheers were the equivalent of 10 people’s cheers. Bryn Mawr has lost an amazing and wonderful spirit; someone who understood, appreciated, and constantly praised the Bryn Mawr Scholar / Athlete. I am sure that we will all remember him for his love, kindness, and great big smile.

Heather Cate ~ Peacock & Paisley

“I have two clients booked for today! And two more already booked for the next couple of days!!!…! THANK YOU HEATHER! Your healing really worked!!!! BLESS YOU!!!! xoKathryn”

Woohoo!!!!

Peacock & Paisley

A big part of re-partnering after divorce is redeveloping trust in yourself.

Here’s part of a letter I wrote to a friend recently, which you might find helpful.  She’s been struggling with the highs and lows of regaining her dating groove post-divorce:

I think you have done very well with your post-divorce dating process, with being open to love and excitement and romance and fun, and I think you had what I would call “nigglies” back a while ago regarding whether this guy was really telling you the truth.  I don’t think you are tuned into picking bad guys or that your truth radar is off, it’s there, you took a fun calculated risk, and for what it was worth, you had a great time on your date.

Stop beating yourself over the head with the empty paper towel roll! (whatever that cardboard thingie is called).  You did a good job for yourself!  It sucks that he may, in addition to being handsome, funny, smart, sensitive, and interesting, also be a jerk, but you got a significant part of the order form to the Universe filled out correctly.

Trust yourself!!  ….  You’re no dupe!!  And I remember you had some apprehension about his intentions/honesty at the very very beginning, too, so you are picking up signals and acknowledging them.  You chose to go ahead and enjoy the fun while taking the risk that you may not get the whole package of what you want on this foray.

The next trick is to honor your disappointment as well as your strengths while disconnecting from him and moving on.

When we’re really upset about stuff like this, it sometimes points to someone else in our life that we were disappointed by and that we didn’t find closure with.  So the gift in this is that you can figure out who that, much more important, person and event(s) is/are, and heal those.  I like doing visualizations, writing things down on paper and burning them, throwing stuff out that I don’t really want any more that reminds me of them, and while doing all that sending a message to the Universe that in doing these present-tense actions, I’m also addressing the old situations.

Consciously finding a balance between holding positive energy about people’s intentions and also acknowledging unpretty things that you “know” without having facts is a skill which has a lot to do with trusting yourself to handle the next steps.  If you let yourself acknowledge the dirt right up front, it gives you a step or two ahead of them to start maneuvering and keep yourself in a place or way you feel comfortable with.  You’re not a lump sitting on a log, you have feet and legs and can side-step things.

If you knew that guy would never call you back, would you have gone on the very fun date?  My guess is yes, but in consciously acknowledging what you knew intuitively, you wouldn’t have allowed yourself the chance to enjoy the joy, the hope, the full emotional exploration of what it feels like for you to be with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (or whatever variation on that theme was working for you )  You can really use those good positive feeling experiences to send clear, strong messages to the Universe about what you really really want.  Just tack them onto the Purchase Order for Mr. Right.

Mr. R. might not be available to send right out, so you may have another few tester dudes in the meantime, but try to separate out the great stuff and what you really enjoy experiencing from any of the cr@p.  This kind of process requires a social/psychological/spiritual mental mindset that it is ok for you to experience these things with people who are not your husband and very likely will not be. Those of us who were raised to “only do it with your husband or there are eternal consequences to pay” have/had a lot of work to do to get over that and be able to enjoy ourselves as we see fit.  Sometimes we made ourselves feel guilty and/or were really counting on the guy to work out so that we wouldn’t end up with those bad consequences we’d been told about.

Personally, I wouldn’t call or contact him in any way.  Take the energy that contacting him would require and put it into you, into resolving any old unresolved stuff, and into finding new guys, into fine-tuning your Purchase Order, into knowing you are a good person and fully capable of navigating finding a partner who really is a wonderful human being and is great with you.

Love and hugs,
Heather

Click here to sign up for our Divorcing Delightfully Class! It's a great way to get back on your dating feet after a divorce.

Divorcing Delightfully Class

Doesn’t breaking up just absolutely stink?  Join this class today to find out how to

• keep your sanity
• heal old patterns that lead to this problem relationship
• understand the good parts and use them to move on
• protect your interests while maintaining good ethics
• heal your spirit
• regroup
• build a new life you really love

And it doesn’t just apply to a marriage relationship — readjusting a significant relationship can be hard to do whether it’s with a

• friend
• relative
• significant other
• business partner
• employer

Find out how to keep your feet on the ground and create new goals which serve you.

This is a 3-month class which meets for 1.5 hours each week, plus a private one-on-one coaching session of a half-hour with Heather each week.  Why 3 months?  Because it takes about 30 days to break old habits, another 30 days to adopt new ones, and about another month to integrate this truly new way of being.

The class is conducted by phone and limited in size.  This way, you can take the class whether you’re at home, commuting, or on vacation.  There are only 20 spots available!

Sign up now to reserve your spot!  It’s less expensive than therapy, more fun, and more effective.

Classes are held Eastern Time Tuesdays at 7pm and Wednesdays at 2pm.  Please fill out the “Personalize Your Product Form” with your preferred time slot, or call 603-617-4963 to let us know which time slot you’ll be attending — we’re looking forward to talking with you!

If you need another time, please let us know.  A lot of people have signed up in the last few days; some of them have expressed a preference for other days and times. We’ll pull together the most popular time and create a new class just for you!

3 month schedule including: 1.5 hour class, once each week. 30 minute private coaching session with Heather. Each class features proactive steps for dealing with the past, creating a wonderful present, and welcoming the future.

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Peacock & Paisley

You could use firm tofu cubes instead of chicken.

• 2 cups plain yogurt
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp cumin powder
• 1 tsp coriander powder
• 1 tsp turmeric powder
• pinch of cloves powder
• pinch of cardamom powder
• 2 pounds chicken, boneless, cut into medium pieces
• 1 tablespoon of oil
• 2 tomatoes, chopped
• 1 tsp cumin seed
• 1 cup of cream

Mix the first 7 spices with the yogurt and marinate chicken pieces for at least 4 hours. After that, place in the oven and cook 45 minutes at 350 degrees. In oil, brown tomatoes and cumin seed, then add cream. Add baked chicken pieces and cook 10 minutes more, stirring occasionally. Serve with basmati rice.

Peacock & Paisley