Two villains who really like to emphasize the curse words to a laughable degree. And then they’re in a ninja challenge. And then the costumes appear. Sweet merciful fuck do the costumes appear. Guys in those Day-Glo orange safety reflector vests are stealthier than this crew. The neon ninjas from American Ninja have officially been topped in the ‘World’s Gaudiest Silent Assassin’ competition. These ninjas make the Power Rangers look formal and dignified.

Enough talking. Watch. We’ll talk later.

So many thoughts :

-After the first villain shouts shit, where does the second villain come from? He just sort of pops up in to view…what the Hell was he doing?

-Why do ninjas need some guy named Tiger to control anything? You’re ninjas, for fuck’s sake! Have some pride in your craft.

- Did they get the music from the same guy who made the score for Miami Vice?

-I like how the one bad guy had to confirm that these men were in fact the ‘Knights of Justice’ who they had agreed to fight…TO THE DEATH…over the phone. Because I’m certain that there are loads of expert assassins wandering around in bright yellow costumes and sequins, and you don’t want an embarrassing mix-up.

-I appreciate the fact that they wear head bands identifying them as ninjas. Less confusion that way. Fewer annoyances, like people assuming you’re a gardener and asking questions about how best to care for their perennials. You don’t need that while preparing to do battle…TO THE DEATH.

-Can anyone explain why they even bother covering the lower halves of their faces after they’ve all had plenty of time to identity each other? And everyone walking their dog through the park has memorized the faces of the ‘disco weirdos’?

-Is the black ninja wearing fur gloves?

-Why does vanishing in to nothingness seem to involve a vigorous game of charades?

-If you’re leaping from the immaterium to fight someone…TO THE DEATH, it doesn’t seem very smart to leap in so that your back is to said enemy. Perhaps he’s a special needs ninja.

-Better sound effect : Guy running up the tree, or the weird flippy floppy boomerang noise?

-So ninjas essentially have 2 techniques : slowly, dramatically approach one another OR run right at each other like a couple of spazzy rhinos.

-Well,  I just killed a fairly lackluster villain. Time to walk off nonchalantly like I’m strolling to get some breakfast…while looking like ninja Big Bird.

This might be the greatest piece of video in the history of moving picture shows. Pure genius.

Enjoy the day you poor bastards who don’t have a choice. I think I’ll go watch Liam Neeson butcher some wolves in The Grey…something tells me it won’t be a popular Valentine’s Day choice…

Seriously though, have a good completely made up holiday!

Yet again, a perfectly normal main dish. Leftover beef and gravy with some ground beef, mushrooms and onions added, then cooked up in a casserole with biscuits on top. But what to serve with something like that?

Well, gotta have pickles on the table! Cause, you know, pickles and gravy go together like peas and toothpaste!

But we need something else. I heated up this frozen corn, but that’s so ordinary. Know what would kick this shit up a notch?

DILL!

Yes indeed, some dilled up corn (that sounds really, really dirty). I have no idea what would encourage a person to mix a whole bunch of dill in to kernels of sweet corn…and it was a substantial quantity. We aren’t talking an occasional fleck of ‘well, that’s a bit different’. This was a full bore dish of ‘that bitch be all fucked up’.

What if you have some sweet pickles on your plate, but you also want some dill pickles without the inconvenience of having to dig a fork in to two separate pickle jars? I GOT IT! We can pickle up the CORN! BRILLIANT! And not at all a bizarre mix of flavours that will cause taste buds to commit suicide en masse by leaping down the gullet in to a stomach full of digestive acids!

Until next time.

And yeah, I’m pretty confident that there will be many next times.

Bob Costas likes him some football. And based on that photo, Bob Costas should not be allowed within 100 feet of children while unsupervised.

Anyway, yes, Super Bowl (insert roman numerals here) was tonight. Solid game, down to the wire, Giants win 21-17. So this means I win me some cash money at work…enough cash money that I was starting to sweat the 4th quarter. Sons of bitches and their competitive game…

The highlight was of course Mario Manningham’s absolutely ridiculous catch along the sidelines.

The other noteworthy thing during the broadcast were the atrocious photos of the players displayed throughout. The poses were awful, they looked bad, and the Tom Brady one kept leering and blinking uncomfortably like he was watching everyone watch him…and possibly masturbating. It was disturbing. On the other hand, his offensive linemen looked like gay dancers trying to get in to fierce poses. It was adorable.

This is where I’d normally mock the half time show, but I really don’t remember much about it. Completely bland affair with Madonna struggling to move and generally looking her age. Luckily, for the sanity of the world’s population, there was no wardrobe malfunction. Apparently M.I.A. flipped off the camera at one point.

I didn’t even know she was there, but she was probably one of many ridiculously dressed armoured bird people on stage. I don’t even remember this happening, so it was apparently the most secretive bird in the long and glorious history of obscene gestures. Of course, it was rather hard to notice much of anything, what with B-boys in ridiculous masks, some dude dancing on a wire, and Cee-Lo Green appearing as a sort of corpulent, black, funky version of Emperor Palpatine.

There was football. It was enjoyed. Beer was consumed. Oh, and Giants tight end Jake Ballard blew his ACL. Now, this was notable for 2 reasons :

1. He was the second Giants TE to blow a knee out in the game.

2. He blew it out running sprints on the sideline an trying to prove that he was good to go back in to the game.

Apparently he wasn’t.

Beer, chicken wings, money on the line, a Sith lord at half time, bad Canadian commercials and a bizarre knee injury. Oh, AND a competitive game. I end the night satisfied. So does Eli Manning, who is probably getting all up in his brother Peyton’s face about having more Super Bowl rings…and a stable roster spot…and a working neck.

Seems that forklifts are killing machines that have a thirst for blood. No, really! A Norwegian safety video says that it’s so! And everyone knows that Norwegians can’t lie.

Enjoy.

Lesson learned : Never, ever trust a co-worker named Brian. It can’t lead to anything good…just accidents and bastard children.

I do wonder what the Hell this company does. Why is EVERYONE just wandering about what appears to be a parking lot all day? Or is that a common place to work in Scandinavia?

Okay, I remember going to see this movie in the theater with Tim. We broke away from a social gathering of some sort (Sam’s birthday, maybe?) at West Ed to check it out at Silver City. I remember legions of nerds breaking in to cheers every time they thought the movie was starting, only to find they were cheering for Coke ads or promos for the latest Adam Sandler vehicle. And then the movie started.

I remember initially liking it when everything was fresh and new, only to find faults once time passed and the ‘just saw it!’ excitement faded. In fact, I’m pretty sure Time and I started talking about the incredibly racist Asian fish people on the drive home.

I honestly don’t think I’ve seen this movie since. Maybe bits and pieces, but certainly not the whole thing. Actually, I have seen the Rifftrax version, but that was more focused in hilarious mockery. I’ll be hopping back and forth from watching it and typing up thoughts here, and I’ll try to time stamp things to give some idea of just how quickly the shit flies. How bad will it turn out to be? Let’s find out…

00:59 – Well, that didn’t take long. Seriously, here is the first paragraph that scrolls up the screen :

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

Because nothing equals cinematic excitement like tax policy. This whole preamble sets the tone for the movie, and THAT is what it rolls out. This is going to be a long 2 hours.

3:30 – Seriously, how racist is George Lucas? How did these clearly Asian stereotype fish people get in this movie, considering how sensitive the entertainment industry is to possibly maybe kinda offending anyone these days?!  I keep expecting them to do this :

4:20 – Wait, so these things just go along with it when some holographic image in a bathrobe tells them to invade the planet they’ve been cutting off from trade for reasons that they don’t seem to understand? Oh, and could you kill those Jedi? You know, the ones that scare the shit out of you? Thanks. George doesn’t seem to think much of Asians.

5:00 – Remember how in the earlier movies lightsabers being drawn was serious business? Obi Wan wouldn’t pull his out except as an absolute last resort, because Jedi are supposed to be primarily peacekeepers. Well, Obi Wan and Qui Gon just pulled their sabers out because they heard a boom.

Oh yes, and now we’ll send in our ineffectual combat bots rather than leaving the poison gas enough time to kill them.

WHY DO THE FUCKING ROBOTS CHATTER TO EACH OTHER?! “Check it out Corporal…we’ll cover you.” “Roger roger.” They have RANKS? How exactly does a ROBOT earn a promotion?! Don’t they have some sort of non verbal method of communication?!

And then the Jedi escape because apparently these idiots don’t have any sort of tracking systems on their own ships.

8:00 – THAT is the regent of Naboo? THAT? I don’t blame the Space Asians for wanting to Pearl Harbour any people that would put this in charge.

Excellent, so we can also blame George Lucas for Lady Gaga!

What the Hell is that? Did Spielberg bet him that there was no way he could make Natalie Portman unattractive or something? Are the outlying worlds of the Republic so bored with themselves that they regularly have competitions to create the most ridiculous looking monarch? I mean, where would something like that originate? Did the costume artist draw that up while on a really bad acid trip?

10:30 – Like the arrival of the Anti-Christ, we have our first siting of the one known as ‘The Binks’. And with this happening, we reach Round 2 of ‘How Racist is George Lucas?’ Jar Jar could only be more of a racist early 20th Century depiction of blacks if he said ‘Me’sa want me some fried chicken and watermelon.’ It’s not like it’s subtle, either. Lucas must be a Grand Dragon by now…or maybe Grand Wizard?

WAS HE HONESTLY SO STUPID THAT HE THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD LIKE THIS CHARACTER?! I suspect this was supposed to be this movie’s version of the Ewoks, but the Ewoks were FUN cute little furry dudes. This thing is a racist lizard thing with a bad Jamaican accent.

And now he have Boss Nass, the ridiculous negro…ERRRRR…Gungan leader. Did Lucas decide that weird tics and the like were a replacement for character development? “We’sa not caring about the…tic-tic-tic-tic…Naboo.” He then pretty much gives the room a raspberry. Delightful.

17:00 – Okay, here’s another major problem…George Lucas apparently decided that we need to see EVERYTHING. Can’t just explain that the Jedi and Jar Jar are on their way to the Naboo city; audiences are stupid and can’t be trusted! Instead, let’s spend 5 minutes showing their journey in some weird bio ship and a thrilling race away from a gigantic fish beast. And another. And still another. CG is teh AWSUM!

20:00 – Even under all the makeup, nobody could possibly think that this is Queen Amidala. For fuck’s sake, they even gave the decoy Queen a completely different costume! Are the Fish Asians blind as well as absolute morons?

26:00 -  Hey there, big bad guy here. Did I forget to introduce my student, Darth Maul? Well, now he’s introduced. Loose end tied up.

Hey, let’s give R2D2 an award for being the only droid not blown off the wing of the ship during the repairs of the shield generator! Way to go about your every day job and not be blown up! Something tells me that the issuing of Participaction medals is a very big deal on this world.

30:00 – Oh, Jar Jar just stepped in some sort of poo! The HILARITY as something not real stepped on something else not real. This is just a great example of why this movie doesn’t work…NOTHING IS REAL. I remember originally thinking that the actors gave bad performances. You know what? I can’t blame them. Stuck speaking this godawful dialogue to a bunch of digital things that they can’t even bounce their performance off of probably isn’t going to bring out anything more than a mailed in job. I call it ‘CSI Miami syndrome’.

Every damn scene has 55 different digital creations just wandering around in the background that serve no purpose beyond Lucas whacking his ego off with his precious digital environments.

31:00 – Episode 3 of ‘How racist is George Lucas?’ as we meet Watto. Part digital bug creature, part racist stereotype of Jews. All he’s missing is an intergalactic yarmulke.

And here comes Jake Lloyd. Oh boy. Sweet merciful fuck, he actually just said “Are you an angel?” to the ‘TOTALLY not the Queen’ Padme. “An Angel. I hear the deep space pilots talk about them. They’re the most beautiful creatures in the universe.” Apparently small children spitting out bad pick up lines from the 70’s is not creepy at all.

And then there’s this exchange :

“You’re a slave?”

“I’m a person,  and my name is Anakin.”

Good God…he actually just invited her back to his room to see his robot.

38:00 – Oh yeah, I guess we should have followed our plan from ten minutes ago to not communicate at all for fear of being detected. Now we’ve been traced by Darth Maul. WHOOPS!

40:00 – So, the little kid with the bad lines figures out that Qui Gon is a Jedi and Qui Gon has to reveal the entire plan to return to Coruscant to him. And now Anakin is telling the Jedi what to do. I am beginning to suspect that Midichlorians don’t just make you a Jedi, they also make you incredibly stupid.

43:00 – “I have acquired a pod in a game of chance.” Nobody talks like this. “Hey guys, wanna come over for some pizza and a few games of chance?” would get you beaten up and you would totally deserve it.

I’m also beginning to notice how bad Jake Lloyd truly is. He comes off as smug, which is rather insane from a 6 year old child actor. What the Hell have you accomplished to earn smugness? Congrats, you recently stopped shitting your pants!

45:00 – There was no father. I had forgotten that Anakin Skywalker is basically Space Jesus. So, who created this immaculate birth? Space God? Maybe the Holy Spirit was feeling a bit frisky? Something tells me this can be chalked up to a complete and utter lack of planning by Lucas. “Oh shit, who do I set up as the father of the most powerful Jedi around?! Yoda? No, that’s a bit weird for even me. Uhhh…”

Why are these kids blown away by the existence of R2D2 while they stand next to a pod racer and the robot Anakin built?!

48:00 – Ah yes, the Midichlorian count in the bloodstream. I’m not even going to get in to how stupid this is.

53:00 – Okay, the podrace preamble has just started…and we have our first space fart joke. Ugh. Anyway, let’s see how long this sequence is.

55:00 – More misplaced incredulity. Anakin has been in numerous high speed pod races, but Qui Gon physically lifting him in to his pod elicits a “Woah!”? Really? Nothing more shocking than a person lifting you up and stuff…mind blowing! The incredulity of it all!

60:40 – “He has to complete 2 more circuits? Oh dear.” The audience is with you, C3PO.

66:00 – And it’s finally over. Because we had to see every damn second of the stupid race. This actually could have been a decent scene if George Lucas was capable of editing. But his head is so far up his own ass that he can’t possibly see a way to remove even a moment of his ‘genius’.

68:00 Obi Wan – “Why do I sense that we’ve picked up another pathetic life form?” You have. His name is Jake Lloyd. Enjoy!

77:00 – Corsuscant…the planet is one big city. You will now get to see all of it as the digital effects display every building and ship flying by. Digital effects for the win! And now more thrilling and completely imaginary vistas of the futuristic metropolis as we go from the landing platform to another building!

79:00 – And now we have real Queen Amidala back. Nope, no differences to notice! There aren’t 2 versions of the Queen!

81:00 – Does anyone seriously consider the words of the Jedi Council member with a cock for a head? I find it hard to believe someone that looks like that would possibly have survived the brutal hazing rituals that must be a part of Jedi training. “I have reservations about this.” “Yeah, well you also have a dong on your skull. So shut up.”

“Master Qui Gon…more to say have you?” Yoda’s language is further proof of my midichlorians = retard hypothesis.

Hey idiots, you believe Anakin is the one foretold to bring balance to the force…right now, the force is so slanted towards the good that you all find it hard to believe the presence of a Sith. Do you think maybe balance might equal EVIL in this case? MIDICHLORIANS = DUMB.

83:00 – Wait, so the Trade Federation blockaded Naboo because of trade tariffs? Even though Naboo apparently produces nothing?! And since when are Queens elected rulers?

89:00 – Blah blah blah weak and stupid political crap that makes absolutely zero sense and isn’t the slightest bit interesting. NOBODY watched Phantom Menace hoping for ‘thrilling’ Senate action. George Lucas doesn’t give a goddamn what the audience wants, and doesn’t have a clue anyway.

91:00 – “Oh yeah, I need to explain what the fuck Midichlorians are! Roll out some bullshit about microscopic organisms and symbioses and other Science stuff.”

94:00 – “Jar Jar Binks…I need your help.” That might be the most horrifying line ever spoken.

96:00 – What the…Padme the handmaiden is the Queen?! Why I never! How is it that the damn Jedi seem shocked by this turn of events? Aren’t they supposed to have super senses and the like? Perhaps I should get my Midichlorian levels tested, because I saw right through that shit.

Oh how delightful. Boss Nass has given this new agreement a ceremonial spitting. Wait a minute…all the spitting and stuff…the overall look…he’s totally Space Frog Wooly Whatzit! “B-b-b-b-b-b Hey Anakin!”

Both loud, both outlandish, both somewhat annoying one note idiots…perfect!

99:00 – I love this alliance. The forces of Naboo will try to attack the droid control ship and take the capital city, while the Gungans stand against a massive Droid army and get slaughtered in the field.

And where the Hell has this Gungan army been hiding?! Thousands of troops, many of them mounted. Gigantic reptilian beats capable of carrying shield generators and turrets. What, were they all skilfully hiding behind trees every time the robots sent in a recon flight?

103:00 – Why are the star fighter pilots wearing WW1 era goggles?

Do they help keep the wind out of the eyes…in their enclosed cockpits?

Meanwhile, on the surface the droid army is activating…and walking right through the protective shield. What kind of shield can’t stop the forward motion of something walking? Oh well, it gives us a ‘thrilling’ fodder vs. fodder battle. The lame robots vs. the stupid aquatic things…can they please ALL lose? Does someone have a few tactical nukes?

106:00 – Oh, how dramatic…a Jedi vs. Sith clash. Or at least it might be dramatic if the Jedi didn’t have a 2 to 1 advantage from the outset.

And if the heavy battle droids are so effective, why does the Trade Federation even make any of the shitty regular variety? Stupid Space Asian Fish.

110:00 – All of the police and the Queen have Batman tether guns now? Because those damn droids are such effective fighters, you might need to make a quick escape.

112:00 – The shield that was doing nothing to protect the Gungans goes down, so they flee. Who does that remind us of?

115:00 – Qui Gon apparently forgot that he’s an awesome space ninja and fell for the ‘punch to the face’ fighting style. Midichlorians = dumb.

116:00 – Remember that the fight against anger is a big part of being a Jedi? Cause Obi Wan looks pretty damn pissed off right now. Bad Obi Wan…bad!

And now Anakin saves everyone by destroying the droid control ship COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT. Perhaps his later turn towards the dark side would be effective if his great act of heroism here wasn’t entirely incidental. This doesn’t make him a hero, it doesn’t make him good and it doesn’t prove his place in the universe…it makes him a fluke. He won completely by chance. The great foretold one is pretty much Space Mr. Bean.

119:00 – And Darth Maul forgets that Obi Wan knows that Force stuff, then just stands there while Obi hops over him and cleaves him in two. Don’t I remember something later about the importance of the high ground? And didn’t Darth just kick Qui Gon’s ass? Midichlorians = dumb.

120:00 – Palpatine – “And you, young Skywalker. We’ll watch your career with great interest.” I’m not evil. Not evil!

Did Yoda always sound this Grover-esque? He seems to have really slanted his voice towards that particular blue muppet.

The council believes it’s a bad idea for Noob full Jedi Obi Wan to take Anakin as his apprentice, but they give in because the dead guy wanted it. Yes, this is truly the brightest way to run things. Forget about the hard won wisdom of the Council, we’ll go along with what this other guy wants.

123:00 – Remember that scene at the end of Star Wars that the kids liked, what with all the pageantry and medals for the heroes and such? Yeah, let’s re-do that only with 73 tons of digital wonderment.

And it’s over.

I remembered this not being a good movie, but this goes beyond that. It’s complete shit. Bad plot, bad dialogue, bad performances, bad everything. Nothing interesting happens in over 2 hours of movie. The entire premise makes absolutely no sense.

And who is the target audience here? Adults will mock the laughably stupid premise and childish bullshit. Kids will be bored to death by rambling governmental monologues and dialogue heavy with senselessness. This is not just total shit, it’s total shit without an obvious audience.

Clearly George Lucas is fond of himself and his ideas. He shouldn’t be. Now we know why Paramount parachuted Lawrence Kasdan in to help re-write Star Wars and work heavily on the sequels in that trilogy (Kasdan actually wrote Empire entirely). Lucas can’t write. He can’t come up with story ideas that work or interesting characters or decent lines. Then to make it worse, he fills those voids with digital tricks that do nothing more than really illuminate just how hollow an experience the movies really are. What an absolute mess. George Lucas has recently said that he wants to focus on small movie projects, but he’s simply incapable of it. Small movies don’t get budgets for 7,000 pounds of digital shit…they need well thought out characters and realistic dialogue. And he isn’t capable of producing either of those.

And there are two more to go. Fuck.

We found out about a week ago that my Uncle Doug was really sick and had been hospitalized. My folks flew out to Ontario to be there, which was indication #1 that things were pretty damn bad. So I knew that the news wouldn’t be good, but that doesn’t make news magically any better to deal with when it inevitably comes.

Cancer everywhere. Nothing they can do except try to keep the pain from getting too bad. 6 months max. Thanks for coming out.

I find myself going back and forth from feeling despondent and feeling like I want to puke to just wanting to fly in to a rage and beat the living shit out of something. And then that’s followed by my wanting to kick my own ass for feeling in any way bad when it isn’t me facing my approaching end. I dunno, is there a way someone is supposed to feel right now? Maybe a memo I missed? I really hope someone can clue me in to a guideline for this so that maybe I can get that going for me or something. This whole feeling weepy and angry and miserable thing, and then getting angry and miserable over the fact that I’m feeling angry and miserable in the first place, really isn’t working out too well.

I find myself flashing back to 3 different things :

-My Uncle Doug was one of the relatives who we all saw this past summer when my youngest sister got married. Not a whole lot to really add that was momentous, but he was the same guy he’d always been : nice, friendly, and brimming with dry wit that would pop in when you least expected it. Aside from a bit more gray in the hair and a pretty awesome beard, basically the same guy. He hadn’t changed, and that’s a very good thing.

-At some point during my youth, I made a foray in to putting together airplane models. One Christmas he and my Aunt Gillian sent me this really kickass P-51 Mustang. This was a really, REALLY nice model, a Smithsonian branded one that I happen to know was worth a fair chunk of money. I did get it built eventually, but it of course looked nothing like the box when it was done. But it was still cool to get. I wish I could find that model. I don’t really know what became of it.

-One of my first sets of memories is from when Uncle Doug and Aunt Gillian got married. It was over in England, and we (at that time ‘we’ was my parents, me and my sister Pam. I think I was somewhere between 3 and 4) went over for it. I don’t remember everything, just bits and pieces. A suitcase getting wedged in a London elevator, and this was an old school UK elevator that didn’t bounce the doors back when they met with a solid object, and my dad fighting the doors for ownership of the bag. A really big (and really drafty) hotel room. Little bits and pieces from around the city. And during the start of the wedding, when the bride passed in her dress and I quietly (you know, kid quietly…so really loud) asked my mom why Aunt Gillian was wearing a nightgown (followed by chuckling and smiles. Apparently I was playing for laughs even as a kid).

So that’s where it is. I don’t feel any better, but that isn’t why I wrote this. Maybe now I’ve blasted through the mental block that saw me staring at a blinking cursor every fucking time I tried to type up an email to my Uncle Doug. I want to say something. But I don’t know what to say at all. Thanks for coming out.

Actually, I am hopeful the results will be funny. And it has been a couple of years, so maybe coming at it with a fresh perspective will allow me to say more than just “OH MY GOD WHY!” over and over again.

Actually, if I survive this I might make this a regular thing…post about my thoughts while watching bad movies. And I don’t mean hilariously bad unintentional comedies like Battlefield Earth. I mean BAD movies. Like Star Trek V bad.

See what I’m willing to do for you people?

I’m not sure when exactly this will commence, but it will be soon. The Phantom Menace draws horribly near. My sanity is screaming. But that’s okay, since I never really listened to it all that much anyway.

Yes indeed, it is a new adaptation of XCom : UFO Defense called…well…XCom : UFO Defense. People online have been going nuts. I…actually, I was initially a bit blah about the whole thing.

See, I’ve played XCom. Played the shit out of it. So if all this was going to be is a fresh coat of paint on the same game, why exactly would I be all that interested? I hate to start shooting sacred cows, but there were problems with that game. Like the broken difficulty system, and possibly the worst game UI ever designed.

But it isn’t just a shinier version of the old. They’re changing things up.

It sounds like nations turning against XCom, and especially turning towards the aliens, will have real repercussions. And there might be options to do something about it. It never made any sense that China would up and walk away and start palling it up with a bunch of fucking Sectoids, and everyone was apparently cool with it and just went about their day. They’ve turned their backs on humanity! BOMBS THE FUCKERS!

I think the move from time units to an RPG-esque move action/standard action type system works well for ground missions, too. Really, that was essentially what you were doing most of the time by reserving time units for a response attack anyway. And you can still do that by throwing a guy in to overwatch. So all of the mincing fairies complaining about the loss of time units like that will open a mouth to Hell and damn the Earth can fuck right off.

Research is still there. Base development is still there, but you can only have one major installation with the rest limited to satellite systems and the like. Not really a big deal since I tended to have one main base anyway. A lot of people are whining about a limit of 4 troops initially on ground missions, but it sounds like that’s expandable through research and training. And perhaps the average trooper here is more effective the generally crap dudes you got in the first game? And yes, you can still re-name your soldiers.

Of course, the average whining piece of shit is complaining about everything. Apparently knowing when your research will be done is unrealistic and a mockery of the original game, the game where I could pick up an unconscious teammate and put him in my backpack.. The graphics are apparently a travesty, even though the original featured a collection of troops that basically looked like the start of the Fourth Reich stampeding across the planet.

But fuck those people. To me, this is looking and sounding fantastic. Bring it on!

Even the Chryssalids…cheap bastards.

Rachael vs. Guy : Celebrity Cook-Off.

Why would I watch such a thing? I mean, it sounds like a harbinger of the apocalypse. I was really, REALLY bored. Honestly, the very idea of watching an hour of television featuring Rachael Ray (the inescapable media juggernaut who just won’t go away) and Guy Fieri (the terrifying spiky blonde haired guy from Diners, Drive ins and Dives who wears sunglasses indoors more frequently than alcoholics) sounded about as fun as being kicked in the nuts. Really? Those two NEED more TV time, do they? Fuck. I defy you to look at this photo and not immediately hate these people :

Did I mention that I was exceptionally bored?

So, I figured it would help me burn off a few minutes before I went to bed. But that initial plan began to change when I saw the list of ‘celebrities’. This list of people may as well be titled ‘PLEASE LOOK AT ME, WORLD!’ The scent of desperation permeating that studio most likely resembled the sick sweat off of an ill person having a fever dream. There are A celebrities and B celebrities and so on : these people are beneath the alphabet scale. Their celebrity is too miniscule to be associated in any way with literacy and language.

Lou Diamond Phillips is in the house, and still introducing himself as a star of the Young Guns movies. First off, you are most often remembered as ‘that guy who played the Indian’ when someone brings up those films. Second, the sequel came out in 1990. Time to move on, Lou…audiences certainly have. He informs us that he’s also a self appointed foodie. Sure, and I am a self appointed fighter pilot. How neat for us.

Cheech Marin is here, because Cheech will seemingly do pretty much anything that puts him in front of a camera for 5 minutes. It’s only a matter of time before he’s on late night ads, wearing a sombrero and poncho combo while ratcheting up the Mexican accent and imploring everyone to check out ‘Beaner Bennie’s Burrito Castle’ on Elmore and 5th.

Joey Fatone. If N Sync were a new version of the Goonies, he was certainly the Chunk of the group.

Summer Sanders. Apparently she was an Olympic swimmer. If the audience needs to be told why you’re a celebrity, you aren’t one.

Coolio. He was a terrible rapper, and now he’s apparently a terrible cooking show host.  Yes, there is a Cookin With Coolio channel on Youtube. It is more annoying than ‘An Evening with Gilbert Gottfried’.

Some Miss USA somebody or something. Honestly, does anyone remember any of these people, ever?

Taylor Dayne. I sorta kinda knew that she did music I think maybe. She is now one of the many women who have decided that the concept of aging is so horrifying that they would rather pay some dude a few grand to make them look like a swollen burn victim. Congratulations, you are only employable as a sideshow attraction…as your attendance here proves.

And as the 8th member of the cast…

Aaron Carter. Briefly tried to have a music career, but basically just spent his formative years known as the younger brother of a Backstreet Boy. Well, he has apparently spent the time since developing several new hobbies, like resembling a weasel, smoking a crack pipe and AIDS. Seriously. There are people with rickets that are the picture of health next to this guy.

Okay, so they break in to teams and face their first challenge : preparing food for the 150 people attending the first ever Celebrity Cook Off Food Festival. I can only guess that the attendants were all homeless people desperate for a meal.

So, they brainstorm up ideas. And when I say brainstorm, I mean that Rachael and Guy pretty much tell these people what their theme is. And what themes! Guy reaches way deep in to the brain and pulls out…MEXICAN! Apparently that’s a theme. Rachael shows that she apparently spent the pre show period drinking heavily, because her suggestion is the senseless and incomprehensible ‘Hot in the City’. And these are the experts, people.

Lou actually seems like he can cook, and he decides to make ribs. Aaron steps up big and suggests macaroni salad. This is followed by crickets as everyone waits for a moment to see if he’s serious. When it becomes apparent that he is, It’s suggested that he go with a version that would become part pasta salad and part jalapeno popper, which sounds less appetizing to me than a bag of rock salt, but anyway…

Aaron seems confused at the concept of charring jalapenos. Lou expresses concern.

So anyway, they all spend time cooking. It’s all pretty boring except for Aaron, who is shocked to discover he has to make ranch dressing. Watching him puzzle out the right ingredients was like watching a monkey learn to use a keyboard. I mean, it’s just hammering on keys and probably humping them, but that totally counts right? Since Aaron’s initial batch includes sour cream, vinegar and Thousand Island dressing (because you always see salad dressing comprised of other dressings…), he wasn’t much more successful than the wannabe stenographer ape.

And then it’s time for the showdown! The poor bastards nabbed to eat this shit (likely at gunpoint) shuffle through and subject themselves to the food on offer. The two teams provide entertainment which was so unmemorable that I flat out cannot remember what it was. Aaron is very pleased with himself and tells everyone that he made the ranch dressing, apparently missing people retching, hurling and collapsing to the ground with the shakes just a few feet from his stand.

And in the end, Lou is the winner…apparently, the crowd judged his ribs to be awesome. This seems unlikely, since the people were simply putting checkmarks next to the team whose food they had judged to be the best, but who am I to question the solemn word of such esteemed judges as Fieri and Ray?

The losers were Taylor Dayne and Aaron Carter. They had ten minutes to prepare a dish for the judges, and were told at that point that their secret ingredient was : shrimp! Taylor went and got a pan. Aaron looked frightened.

And the time is up and they each present their dishes, and what followed were some of the best moments in television history. Rachael and Guy had to eat whatever shit these two conjured up and do their best to pretend that it wasn’t the worst thing since Hitler. They weren’t very successful.

Taylor fried up some shrimp with a few ingredients and served them on a lettuce leaf so large that it might be attacking Tokyo at this very moment. This thing didn’t dwarf the plate that it was on, it pinned it to the ground and had it’s horrible way with it. The best thing the judges could say, and I quote (yes, I remember their words. They were so awesomely funny that I can’t forget them) :

“I really like that she used cracked black pepper.”

Truly it is only the culinary greats who are capable of operating a pepper mill. But that wasn’t the highlight. No no, the pinnacle was to come as they sampled Aaron’s shrimp dish and Guy’s words were :

“I appreciate how he really tried to get it in to the bowl.”

I shit you not. That is what he said. When the best thing someone can say about the food you’ve prepared is that you nearly succeeded in putting it properly in to a serving dish, it is safe to say that you have failed. SHOCKINGLY, Aaron was sent packing while Taylor was allowed to stay and continue in the competition where she is a shoo in to terrify the most children.

There was another episode, but I skipped it…there are apparently limits to what even I will watch. Besides, Aaron Carter’s stupidity was the comic core of that thing.

UPDATED : Forget what I claimed about limits, because I watched part of what I think was episode 3 last night. Wow.

The challenge? Prepare desserts including such wacky ingredients as wasabi and anchovies for special judges. Doesn’t that sound delightful?

The judges? 15 students from ‘an accredited pastry school’. Yes, students. The instructors more than likely took one look at an appearance request and laughed their ass off. And no, we don’t ever find out which ‘accredited pastry school’ is involved. So either they refused to have their good name associated with this (but still wanted some Food Network money in the coffers) or it was one of those ‘Learn any skill through correspondence! Become a nurse, airline pilot or registered sex offender today through our online courses!’ like the University of Phoenix. And you don’t want something like that associated with such greats as Guy Fieri (a man who apparently serves pulled pork in a rice roll and calls it sushi at his restaurant) and Rachael Ray (whose show is often filled with instructions like ‘open up the can…’)!

The results? Hilarity. Both coaches again told their teams what to do, and both had the same orders : to make wasabi/anchovy related cannolis, which I’m sure had the greater Italian populace gesticulating angrily at the screen while bellowing “Ay yo!” Joey Fatone (who yet again incorporated his last name in to the dish, calling it the Fat One Wasabi Cannoli or something to that effect. He did the same thing in the previous episode I watched. The man has the creativity of a plate) was railroaded in to producing one for Team Ray. It made several judges weep. Actually, physically weep a bit. AND HE DIDN’T END UP IN THE SURVIVAL CHALLENGE.

Instead, Summer Sanders and what’s her name the Miss USA chick ended up squaring off in a battle to produce…SALMON. Summer won, despite serving a salmon salad featuring a big steak of fish that, in her words, “Really isn’t cooked, so I don’t know what the judges will think.” They didn’t really get in too much on what the other woman made, but I can only assume that she squatted over the dish and served the judges a big dump dressed up in salad greens to lose to something that wasn’t even cooked right.

I was wrong. While Aaron Carter’s lack of presence was certainly felt, this show is still goddamn funny without him. I’m going to have to keep watching. I can’t stop…it’s so beautifully bad. And best of all is the disappointment registered on the faces of Ray and Fieri whenever they’re contractually obligated to taste something.