Need 200 Pages for a Rabbit Care Book

200 pages? I think I can be a bit more concise. Ready?

Feed them.

You’re welcome. Where’s my money?

Need 200 Words for a Book With Dating Tips for Guys

What’s noteworthy about this? It’s the same client who’s looking for 200 words on rabbit care. What the Hell does this person do, exactly? I suppose you could use some of the information in both :

Rabbits/women sometimes like to be groomed and petted as a sign of affection. If they aren’t interested, they’ll let you know right from the start by issuing a shrill death scream/punching you in the eye and calling the police.

Pet Blogger for our website

I’m hardly one to mock others over poor grammar. However, I can’t resist pointing that out how funny it is that someone posted this wording on a website seeking writers. Are you going to name your blogger? Will you take him for walks? Maybe get together with the Rabbit Care person to ensure that your blogger remains happy and healthy.

Need Ghostwriter to Finish Original Mystery Story Idea

Hoo boy.

Some time ago, I wrote a draft novella about a female private investigator and male bounty hunter who go undercover on an assignment. I don’t want to give the plot away in the posting, but the story was meant to be fast paced, sexy, and suspenseful.

Ladies and gentlemen, originality.

Need Articles on Marriage & Sex

Well this is just easy.

Like sex? Don’t get married. Or maybe start banging some chick at work.

Now where’s my money at?

We are looking for the right person to help create amazing content/blogs for our worm business.

There are no words. Probably not the result a person is looking for when they post a job seeking out a writer.

Apparently this ties in to organic farming, but that title line just sucks the ability to form thought right out of the brain for a little while.

Invitation to Doctors

Okay, what’s this all about?

I need some body who can help me write a letter to send to Drs. I am offering my services to sell orthotics for them. I already a letter written but I need somebody who can make the letter appealing to drs.

Nothing gets your medical equipment out the door faster than farming out the task of writing the letter to doctors to a person whom you’ve never met before. Also, this one is so weird that I am totally putting my name in.

Seven simple to follow rules for looking great! From the author of such previous works as ‘YOU DON’T DESERVE SNACKS OR JOY, YOU FAT PIG!’ and ‘Nobody likes a Bulimic – Anorexia for the Win (Unless You’re a Vomiting Attention Whore)’.

1. Remember that ice is a food. You totally need to chew and swallow it, right? That makes it a food! There you go. Eat all you want and you can feel good about your figure.

2. Don’t let possible weight stress take hold of you. Seriously, you’ll get worry lines all over your face. And we all know that once your face goes, Sweetheart, you’re staring at a lifetime of waitressing in a coffee house. Seriously, you have ZERO skills.

Don’t let that stress take hold…it’s healthier to get it out of your system as soon as it shows up! So the next time you’re stressing about a pound or two, direct it in to punching yourself as hard as possible in the ovaries. Now you remove that stress from your life AND you hopefully damage those baby-makers before possible pregnancy can destroy any chance of success that you might have. Plus, you totally deserve the pain for gaining weight.

3. Hunger pains mean that you’re winning! You have to work hard to achieve anything in this world, and unnatural thin-ness is no exception. If this was easy, EVERYONE would be 94 pounds and happy! But they aren’t, so leave those jealous fat and ugly people behind and relish in the cramping emptiness that will make up your existence.

4. Remember to track those calories. It sounds like a lot of work, but it shouldn’t be. After all, if you’re eating anything with a measurable calorie count, you clearly want to be fat. If you need to do math to calculate your caloric intake (and let’s face it, Math is not a skill for you…), you are soon to be a fat swine who nobody will love. I hope that makes you happy because nothing else will.

5. Hydrate! Hydrate! Hydrate! You need water or you’ll die. And water is just melted ice, so it’s a meal that you can quickly consume. Best of all, if you fill yourself with water you won’t have room for any of that pesky food! Please note that while simply putting a hose in your mouth and leaving it there might seem like a great way to fill up long term, it will actually make parts of you burst and it will totally kill you. On the plus side : no more hunger pains! And you’re viable for work in photo campaigns until you begin to visibly decompose.

6. Figuring out a proper portion size. This is actually a lot easier than it might seem. If we’re talking about some sort of vegetable that has been boiled down until it becomes a colourful glop, you want no more than will fit on to a spoon. Not a normal spoon, one of those little tiny spoons your weird grandmother had for the sugar bowl in her tea set. One of those. Finished? You’re done.

As for any other type of food, even suggesting eating that is failure. You can’t even be in the same room with it. STOP FAILING AT LIFE!

7. Breakfast is still the most important meal of the day. It sets the tone. It lets you tell your body what to expect for the day, and you need that.

-First off, smoke a pack of cigarettes. No filters, just smoke away. Sure, your lungs will be converted to blackened husks of disease, but unless things go very wrong you aren’t being asked to model your goddamn lungs! You can’t put food in your mouth so jam a stick of tobacco in there.

-Your stomach is going to start growling. You remember that it’s YOUR stomach! You are the boss! You tell that thing to shut the fuck up! Scream at it! Hit it if you’d like (try to aim towards the ovarian region if possible). Show that organ who’s boss!

-Once you’re done screaming, shut the Hell up about your hunger. Nobody likes an attention whore! Don’t be like one of those starving African kids who monopolize late night television. You’ll get to know them when you’re up late with hunger pains so strong that you’re coiled up in the fetal position in the corner of your room. Why they lament their God given lean figures is completely beyond me. So selfish.

And that’s it! Good luck with your career path of poisoning the self esteem of girls who can’t fit in to the bizarrely designed clothing you’ve been modeling.

-Every single day, I see numerous job postings that are supposed to be aimed at a specific person. Let’s use an example with a typical woman’s name (most of you already know where this is heading. It’s the joke that will never, ever be old. Thanks, James) :

Hi, Medula! How are you doing? We certainly were impressed with the work you did before…”

Yeah, clearly she made a huge impression. Or you’re so utterly incompetent that you can’t properly send a private message. Either way, it’s not giving me much incentive to apply.

-The worst writer in the room frequently seems to be the person trying to hire one. This would of course explain WHY they need someone to write for them. It also explains why they often end up hiring some dude from Bangladesh whose prior exposure to English consisted entirely of reading safety labels on auto parts as they flew by him on an assembly line.

-It’s cool if you have some really specific needs, such as fluency in other languages or for the writer to live in a certain area. Could you maybe use the damn job posting form to put those things in their pre-arranged spots ABOVE the main job description? I just love reading through a few hundred words only to find that I can’t even apply because I need to be able to write this up in English AND Swahili. The odds of important details like this being lost somewhere within the description also seem to rise at a rate equal to the description’s word count.

-No, I won’t agree to do the job for $4 an hour. I have these pesky things called ‘dignity’ and ‘self worth’ which are preventing me from accepting that. I don’t care whether you try to act like we’re buddies or, even more entertaining, ‘threaten’ me. Seriously, what possible threat are you going to lay down? That you won’t allow me to work for you? Sweet mercy, no! Please chomp on dicks.

-Hey, you with the ‘totally original’ piece of fiction : it isn’t original. Time traveling robot killers are not original. The whole space opera thing is pretty much tapped out. Wow, robots in disguise? How new and fresh! The odds of any creative writing concept being original seem to go down the more often the person trumpets the originality of their idea.

-If you actually do have an original fiction idea, it is probably completely terrible. Here are a few of the ideas that I’ve actually seen presented :

1. An Amish love story.

I fail to see how a romance novel built entirely on furtive glances exchanged at barn buildings will remain interesting for very long.

2. Practitioners of a certain form of Yoga that take a time out during certain phases of the moon do so because they’re werewolves. And there’s a romance angle.

The best part of this entire pitch was the line ‘I need someone who knows (insert name of it here) Yoga because the story needs to be authentic’. Yes, when you’re commissioning someone to write you a Yoga werewolf love story, authenticity is certainly going to be a priority.

3. The rich live above ground and use all the power. The poor live below ground and keep producing stuff for the rich, but they don’t even know the rich EXIST, man!

So…who did they think they’re making all of this stuff for? This didn’t occur to anyone? Also, how are they manufacturing anything without power?

But then one poor guy learns THE TRUTH and the poor get mad, and the main rich guy is evil and stuff and starts planning to kill all the poor!

So…where would the rich be getting all of their stuff from after this? It doesn’t seem like a well planned slaughter at all.

And then the evil guy’s daughter falls in to a hole and ends up in Poorville…

Seriously? How high were you when you came up with this? They’ve enclosed the poor below ground, but they couldn’t be bothered to fill in some old mine shaft?

…and she’s hurt. But she wasn’t hurt by the poor people, but her evil dad makes it seem like she was so he can start a war and stuff!

Who exactly is going to fight on the side of the rich? They’re grossly outnumbered, probably aren’t in very good shape at this point on account of doing nothing, and the poor they’d be fighting make all of their stuff. Will the poor be producing weapons for the rich while fighting them, because they’re incredibly stupid?

4. This one is new today!

Tell the story of a specific Brewery, finding a way to twist our marketing about ‘the finest hops’ and the like in to a gothic theme with mysterious happenings.

A gothic themed story, minimum 10,000 words, that also markets your beer? I have a nice one for you. It’s really short, but I think it gets the point across.

“There once was a brewery owner who spent all day ‘testing’ his product. Then he went online and put up some ideas that probably seemed smart after his ninth morning pint. They weren’t, though. Then he hopefully drove home and ran in to a tree.”

-Could you maybe attempt to explain what the Hell you want AT ALL?

Hi! Need articles written in two days. Please apply if interested.

Interested in what, exactly? How many articles? What are they about? How long do they need to be? Sure, I could ask you all of this, but I can also apply for six other writing jobs with people who bothered to explain all of this in the first place. They actually know what they want. You barely managed to explain the blatantly obvious and then left to return to your busy day spent no doubt confusing the living shit out of people live and in person. I actually suspect that you may be a caveman who has awoken in this new and confusing future and is trying to fit in.

There. I feel much better.

Fresh off my work trying to help a UK car buyer flog their wares, I hit a patch of…absolutely nothing.The inconsistency of work availability might be the single most frustrating part of the entire freelance endeavour. I’m just not used to it. All of my previous work experience was of the typical ‘Work, go home, go to work the next day’ variety. There wasn’t any of this ‘Work, look for work, wait, work a bit, wait some more, wait again, work’ day-to-day nonsense that I get to deal with now. I’m a bit of a control freak, and I’m impatient. Uncertainty is not my friend.

Anyway, yesterday the floodgates opened. I ended up getting a job that promises to be semi-regular. The client represents a whole bunch of different companies on Anna Maria Island. It’s a ridiculously high end district just off the Gulf Coast of Florida. We’ll get back to this gig in a minute.

The other was a more immediate tasking, yet again helping someone fix some ghastly work a different writer had thrown together. It was a series of nearly un-readable reviews. Anyway, I smashed my way through those in an hour and got my money. Sweet! Oh wait, do I want more work? Okay…

Public service announcement : You know those ‘customer reviews’ that you find on various product sites? Yeah, don’t believe those. Trust me. There’s a very good chance they weren’t written by customers. I know. I wrote 50 of the damn things for a series of outbuilding kits that can be put together by homeowners. I sure as Hell have never seen nor dealt with any of these products.

Yay for dishonesty paying the bills! It was actually a bit of a challenge. The 50 reviews can’t all seem like they were written by one person, so you have to try to vary your tone. Some are written dumb, some blather on, some are right to the point, blah blah blah. It’s actually a lot more difficult than you might imagine, particularly when you have to start working the names of states and certain product keywords in to a portion of them.

Speaking of writing challenges, let’s go back to the first job. This one involves re-writing news articles in to a more casual blog format for local businesses. One of the two that I wrote today was for a wedding planning site. Yes, seriously. And as anyone who has ever visited a wedding planning site is well aware, the writing style for that sort of content can charitably be described as ‘Spectacularly Cheezy’. Well, I embraced that. Sweet merciful fuck did I embrace that. As penance for my earlier case of review fraud, I am going to force myself to share with everyone who reads this the single most horribly awful sentence that I am likely to ever write.

I warn you, it’s bad.

It’s REALLY, REALLY bad. We’re talking douche chills bad. You might want to get yourself a drink before continuing. I plan to.

Okay, ready?

No, really? Are you really ready?

Fuck it. Let’s rip the Band-Aid off and just get this over with…

After all, who hasn’t dreamed of a wedding on a beautiful, sandy beach as the sun beams down on the beginning of their new life together?

I know, T. I know. I am actually shuddering right now. Frankly, I’d kind of like it if you did show up and punch me in the face.

Yeah. That’s some spectacularly shitty crap…and that’s just one sentence. There was more. The rest wasn’t nearly as embarrassing, but it was still pretty terrible. But, apparently the client loves it. It fits with the rest of their content. It really does. Trust me, I read through some of it to try to figure out the right ‘mood’ for the rewrite. Wow. Just wow.

Next week I’ll be interviewing over Skype with someone from Scribd. They’re looking for someone to help purge the spam from their system and write up some marketing copy. I sincerely hope that it will never involve writing anything along the lines of that monstrous sentence above. Then again, I’m probably going to get more material that needs a re-write for the same wedding site. So…yay? I think?

Turns out that when you end up writing a bunch of stuff for other people, it leaves less time for you to write stuff for you. Particularly when not much is happening that you feel like blathering about. But the blog was really starting to whine about us just not spending time together anymore, so I felt the need to write what is the post equivalent of a ‘Yeah, I’m really thinking about you’ bouquet to buy myself some time. Seriously, blogs get really bitchy.

Many moons ago I wrote a post (that I can’t even be bothered to find) about my growing board game collection. Chad posted a comment asking me to take a picture of all of them. At the time, they were all over the place. Some were stored in a closet. Some were stacked up on the floor. Some more were on top of a shelving unit. So yeah, not so much.

But since I re-arranged a whole bunch of crap this weekend, I suddenly had a bunch if free shelving. Holy crap! Room! Things could be conglomerated! Let the amalgamation commence!

Enjoy the wonderful backdrop of ripped open wall that needs to be re-framed at some point.

Doesn’t that mean that all of this will eventually have to be moved again so that the wall can be rebuilt?

Uh…shut the fuck up, voice!

That pile of stuff next to Band of Heroes on the right is two counter trays holding all of the game counters (the box is jammed full of boards, scenario cards, help sheets and game cards). That Plano box next to Agricola is all of the counters and bits…it won’t fit in the damn game box with all the cards and boards. And Flash Point’s little box of stuff doesn’t fit once the expansion boards are put on the box. So awesome to have boards show up in a goddamn sleeve that offers no storage at all. Thanks a lot, game publisher whose name escapes me at the moment!

And there’s the bit that you couldn’t see before…namely, a few big boxes, some RPG books and shredded drywall and vapour barrier. Woo? What looks like a weird lump of tar in with the RPG stuff is actually a bag of dice.

If you don’t see a game in those pictures, that means I’ve traded it away. I am a fickle bastard when it comes to hanging on to things, especially when those things take up space. Hell, a few of these might vanish at some point to be replaced by others. Of course, such cullings have also meant that everything fits on those shelves with room to spare. I consider that a good thing.

Post – written.

Self – mocked.

Collection – photographed.

Check, check and check. This is in the bag.

Apparently so.

I’ve spent the past day and a half helping to fix some writing work that I’m assuming comes from a couple of those people. A car buying site in the UK had hired a couple of guys to do the writing for 80 or so landing pages on their site. One paragraph per page specifying the usual sales pitch for a specific town…nothing too fancy. Here’s an example of what they ended up with :

At Trade My Motor we help all experienced and inexperienced car sellers to get benefit from the online resource. We guarantee that the entire procedure of selling your car will be quick, trustworthy and easy. The nationwide network of Trade My Motor is helping its clients everywhere. We allow you to contact our branches directly and start the car selling process immediately. We buy any car in Barnet without the hassle and fuss entailed by a private sale. By following few simple and easy online steps, you can sell your old car and receive the money instantly. We only need your personal contact details, few images of your car, and true remarks about the condition of the car. There is nothing else to do at your side. We will get your car valued and inform you about the price and purchase it within twenty four hours. If you agree with our deal, then money will be transferred to your account instantly for just a small fee. 
With Trade My Motor you can get benefit from the experienced and reliable team and we assure you a friendly quality service second to none.

I kind of want to file a police report about the violent rape of the English language.

The funny thing is, when I was first providing an example to get this job, I was also linked to a ‘good’ write-up. It wasn’t so much ‘good’ as ‘a bit less of a bag of a shit’ than that mess above. My personal favourite part…rather than describing the company as fair AND secure, the writer went with ‘fairly secure’. What a ringing endorsement.

“We’re fairly secure. We’ll kind of get you the best deal, maybe. And we’ll perhaps do so with a hint of a smile, if you catch us on the right day and stuff. Call us today…or don’t. Whatever.”

Anyway, yeah. I find myself wondering how these guys were hired in the first place (I can’t imagine their writing was much better during initial discussions about the job). I also find myself hoping they get more work, because I’m happy to follow them up and fix stuff for dolla dolla bills, yo.

So, Edmonton City Council has officially approved the arena deal. So there ya go, that’s in the bag.

Hey, wait. Wasn’t there $100 million still missing from that deal?

Why yes there was, voice in my head that has apparently become a separate being capable of typing thoughts out! But don’t worry, that’s covered :

In the recent budget, the province increased the amount it grants Edmonton annually through the Municipal Sustainability Initiative, which helps pay for municipal infrastructure projects, by $3 million.

City administrators recommended the city put the increase toward the arena over the next 20 years, which would raise $45 million of the $100 million arena shortfall.

So, this is an annual increase to city funds? I guess that works, then.

No! Not at all! This increase happened because Edmonton’s population growth was ahead of the provincial curve. Also, nobody knows what is going to happen with MSI funding next year, since our provincial economy has gone down the shitter. So it’s incredibly likely that this overall funding number will, in fact, DROP.

Also, the $45 million actually takes the form of a loan taken out by the city that will be paid back with that wildly inconsistent MSI fund…so…umm…hmmm…

Well, that sounds really bad. In fact, that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. And aren’t they still short $55 million?

Yes, indeed. But don’t worry. There WAS a stipulation added to the agreement that covers that completely :

Councillors approved the plan in an 8-5 vote, while making the deal contingent upon receiving clarification from the province with respect to the remaining $55 million.

But didn’t the province already say that isn’t going to happen?

Indeed they did, voice! And with the economy in the dumper, that isn’t likely to change unless Premier Redford throws caution to the wind and says “Fuck it, let’s see how low these approval ratings can go…”

So, does the city have ANY plan here?

I’m glad you asked! Yes they do. It’s a two pronged assault of buck passing and whining like a child.

"Council took a courageous step … to commit to what the premier asked us to do which is to use MSI money to do this," said Mayor Stephen Mandel.

Well played, Mandel! Word it just right to make it look like the premier ASKED for this. I also love the insane hyperbole of referring to signing a funding agreement as a courageous act. Those lazy firefighters and the like could certainly learn from your sterling example.

The city would continue to badger the province during that time for the remaining $55 million, city manager Simon Farbrother said.

There you go. Apparently hectoring the province is now official city policy. Edmonton City Council negotiates in the same way as a 4 year old in a toy store.

Coun. Kim Krushell said the vote can be seen as a challenge to the province.

"Where are you in this equation? We’ve met you again halfway because we stepped up on the $45 million with the MSI and we’re waiting for the balance," she said. "That’s the message that’s been sent out."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the bullshit A-bomb. Kudos for being unafraid to push the button, Kim Krushell!

1. There was never ANY promise or statement or hint from the province that they would meet the city halfway on the money. Nice attempt to obfuscate, though!

2. The $45 million ISN’T from MSI funding. It’s money borrowed against the faint hope that MSI funding won’t change at all.

But thanks for coming out! We have some lovely door prizes for you.

Okay, but…what about Daryl Katz? Can’t he come up with the missing money?

AHAHAHAHA! Oh man, you are FUNNY.

Sure, he COULD. But why the Hell would he? Much better to sit back and let the taxpayers cover 100% of the missing money, which is pretty much what will probably end up happening. Congrats, Edmonton! You’re represented by idiots who got played.

Since I haven’t talked about this for a bit (or talked about much of anything, for that matter)…hey hey, a subject for a real live blog post! Holy crap!

So, after my brief initial achievement in the freelance writing department, things had gone dry. And since those brief few hours were spent writing catalogue descriptions for women’s footwear, the whole freelance thing was seeming less and less like a good idea with each day that passed.

The actual search for this kind of work is something I find immensely frustrating. Wade in to a pool of other interested parties and figure out how to stand out from the crowd. Sure, just sending the potential client a message reading “Shit” attached to a demand for 1,800 dollars per hour would probably help me stand out, but less for writing and more as someone who should be on several Federal watch lists.

So you send off proposals, and you watch the jobs go to other people without having any way of knowing why or how or any of that nonsense. It’s frustrating. I’m a bit of a control freak (Thanks for those genetics, dad!), so the unknown is not something that I welcome in any way whatsoever.

And every now and again, you encounter some ass who apparently thinks that because you’re new, he can dictate any contract he wants and you’ll just jump at the chance. I applied once for a rather weird job writing up papers on the business/Internet histories of a couple of sports websites. I actually got a reply this time, and since it was my first reply since the shoe job, I was rather excited. I really shouldn’t have been. This guy told me that since I was new, OBVIOUSLY I should agree to write both reports up for a grand total of $40. Considering it would easily have taken 4 days of research and writing to get everything that he wanted, I’m rather pleased with myself for NOT responding by telling him what he should shove up his ass. Avoiding that attack dog style of reply is probably a sign of personal growth, actually. So yay for me?

Then there was the dude putting together some weird conglomeration of stock market information. He was looking for someone to do write-ups on every company listed on the TSX. This person actually told me that I had it…just as soon as the English part of their upcoming web site was done. Considering that message was sent to me several months ago, something tells me it ain’t happening. No, he was likely just some sad little Nancy boy who is so afraid of the concept of confrontation that outright lying to somebody is better than informing a person that they didn’t get the job. So thanks for that, you spineless twat. You know, spineless twat really is an odd insult. It sort of infers that a spined twat is a good thing, and I can’t think of any way in which that is actually going to be something positive.

I had reached a point of frustration where I was seriously beginning to question what the Hell I was going to do, because this wasn’t working at all. And then it happened.

I actually landed a gig.

And not a quick little one-off for a tiny pittance of cash. No, this was an actual job that would last for at least a little while.

Anyway, for the past few weeks I’ve been doing software reviews. Video programs, PDF converters, FTP software, if it’s free or trial-ware I’ve either tried it or it’s likely on the list for the future.

And actually, this probably is an ideal first real writing job for me. It’s completely flexible in terms of hours and how many hours I put in. So long as things get done, the guy’s happy. I’ve already been told that I’m kicking the asses of the other four people they hired in terms of work getting done. As in, they’ll get a list of 8 programs to review. I’ll get a list of 20. And I’ll be finished mine before anyone else has completed their list. Punks.

And holy crap were the first few difficult to write! I don’t do completely detached writing from a non-personal perspective well, or at least I didn’t initially. It was actually something that required an effort to do. I still have to go in to things consciously thinking about not writing ‘I’ and ‘we’. It’s weird. But I like the fact that I’m being shoved out of my writing comfort zone. Also difficult is the fact that when I end up reviewing an absolute dog of a program, I can’t just write anything like ‘This is a worthless pile of crap and the people responsible for it should be lit on fire’. No, I have to be polite and nice about it.

The Best – A piece of software called SopCast. It’s an odd little program that lets anyone broadcast video on a channel. But the best part is, there are (clearly pirated) broadcasts of actual TV channels all over this thing. I spent a good portion of my review time watching Spanish soap operas (if you haven’t ever seen one, think crazy over-the-top emotions, lots of anger and naked tits) and Japanese game shows. I have no goddamn idea what was really happening on the Japanese game show, but it was a bizarre and entertaining spectacle.

Also good is discovering that my talents for BS are alive and well. I did a review of a program called TeraCopy. It can be completely described by saying ‘it moves files around more efficiently than Windows file manager’, yet I managed to write 500+ words about it.

The Bad – Why does a program designed to create QR Codes devote half of itself to an Amazon shopping tab? If the designers of a video recording program (CamStudio) can’t even get the damn thing to render anything with decent quality and frame rate in a screen bigger than a postage stamp, why did they even bother releasing the goddamn thing? Why make a bit torrent program (Oh hai, Vuze!) that also wants to offer freeware games and YouTube subscriptions? And enough with the goddamn “Do you want to install this toolbar, this unrelated piece of crap and then change your home page to shitshow.com?” crap in installers! Just stop!

The Ugly – One program stands alone here, and it ISN’T the voice modulator that I could never actually get to record audio properly. No, that was still better than a fully functioning…

ETalk. This clusterfuck is DOA from the point of conception.

Hey, you know that auto-correct crap that nobody in modern history has ever once liked, ever? Let’s make an entire program whose reason to exist is ADDING auto-correction to Windows! YEAH!

Yep, that’s what it does. Now you get this horrible pop-up window that shows up whenever a pre-determined number of characters is entered, offering you ‘helpful’ and ‘wanted’ suggestions for finishing every word that you type.

Oh, but that isn’t all! There’s a dictionary that apparently can’t find definitions for words like ‘Apple’, ‘thing’ and ‘place’. The damn program makes you install two language dictionaries, but it doesn’t translate or anything…so…why? But that isn’t the ‘best’ part.

I had left this horrible monstrosity on while I was typing up the bulk of the review, so word suggestions were flying around more quickly than an SR-71. And then, without warning, up it came. A strange little window appeared in the bottom right of the screen. In it was an image of badly drawn balloons and a happy face. Superimposed on that image were the words ‘Congratulations! ETalk has offered over 500 suggestions for you! You’ve earned 500 points!’

I just kind of stared for a few minutes after it faded away. Was…was that an achievement pop up? What the Hell? I was confused. Surely it couldn’t be, because that wouldn’t make the slightest bit of sense! I’ll just click on this thing I haven’t used yet, and…

…there it was. My personal score screen. Showing my current tallies in a variety of categories and my earned achievement. And hey, I could totally invite my Google and Yahoo and Hotmail and Facebook friends to the fun of auto-correction as a social gaming experience!

This is hands down the single dumbest ‘feature’ that I have ever seen in ANYTHING, EVER. I don’t want to spend too much time pondering the sort of human being who even conceives of this and who clearly believes that it represents a path to success. That road leads only to confusion and quite possibly a stroke.

Anyway, that’s the story so far. Freelancing has pretty much been saved as a concept for me with this job. I’m still going to look for a part time job to maintain a bit of financial stability, but I don’t want any more than that. It would be far too easy to just fall back on to full time work in the future and not continue looking for writing jobs.

Seriously. I’m honestly asking, because…man.

First he decides to dive back in to the whole issue of Quebec separating and proposes clarification of the Clarity Act by putting in place the Unity Bill that specifically defines the percentage of votes needed to secede from Canada. Yes, a clarified Clarity Act and a Unity Bill that seeks specificity about the act of leaving…politics just makes so much damn sense, doesn’t it?

This managed to piss EVERYONE off. Quebecers not wanting to separate were left wondering why this crap was being brought up again. Hardliners who still dream of a separate nation were offended at the very notion that the Federal government they want to leave behind could determine how exactly they would go. And the rest of Canada was left pretty much in “What the Hell?” territory. It was quite the stellar example of a person who should maybe spend more time thinking about his words and less time on beard maintenance.

Then he heads down to the US and campaigns actively against the Keystone Pipeline. Now, this fits in with his earlier nonsense about ‘Canada’s Dutch Disease’ and how Alberta is somehow destroying the national economy with an oil industry that can’t even make our own province profitable. And just like in the case of that earlier blather, the results have pretty much been crickets. Every attempt to set East against West have met with shrugs and people ignoring him. And this from the guy who made this statement when he won the NDP leadership :

"For far too long, certain leaders did nothing more than divide Canadians, pitting francophones against anglophones, west to the east. Even if this division can lead to short term political gain, the price to pay is far too heavy to our nation."

So that sentiment lasted all of…what…23 minutes or so?

However, his latest round of nonsense has managed to tread ground that I don’t think has previously been seen from a national party leader : he has actually scapegoated himself in advance. Think about it. The US votes down Keystone. Stephen Harper walks out in front of cameras, talks about all the lost contracts to manufacturers in Ontario and mineral industries in Quebec (you know, those struggling industries that actually make a fair amount of their dwindling money from oil sands companies), and then wonders aloud if Mulcair’s words might have been the final nail in the coffin. Then he just lets the microphone drop as he walks offstage, because the NDP leader just got SERVED. Done. Hell, even if it goes THROUGH Mulcair is still going to be politically hammered by this…”Tell the voters why you didn’t want all of those industries to get new contracts from oil sands companies, Tom.” He has actually managed to somehow insert himself in to his own rectum. You don’t really want to look, but the darkest recesses of your mind demand that you do.

The man has painted a gigantic bulls-eye on his own head, and on to the head of his party. And all because I just don’t think he’s very bright. He might be book smart, but the extent of his knowledge about how the world works might fill a napkin. He’s like the real life version of a D&D character with an Intelligence of 14 and a Wisdom of 3. Yep, he knows a lot of spells…he also just gave a goblin all of his money for a handful of ‘magic beans’. And he smiled when that goblin squatted and crapped in his hand. “You can really smell the magic!”

I mean, the NDP was already screwed. They owe their official Opposition status to Quebec voters who were tired of the Liberals and the Bloc. They are completely beholden to the interests of a single province. But they’ve gone from Jack Layton, a somewhat obnoxious elven character who was certainly not stupid and understood how PR works, to falling under the sway of Beardsy the Dwarf. Beardsy kinda means well, but he’s spent so long working in the mines that little things like the sun and breezes kind of scare the living shit out of him.

And this guy was the BEST they had to offer? Beardsy? Congratulations, Liberals and Bloc Quebecois. You have had your seats handed back to you by the House of Commons’ own court jester.

I AM looking forward to his list of what promise to be entertaining excuses. We can only hope that he’ll take it far enough that he blames the collapse of his party on Masonic conspiracies and The Bilderberg Group.

“We are significantly holding the line on spending and living within our means,” Mr. Horner told the legislature.

Those are words used by the Finance Minister during the announcement of the provincial budget. A budget which includes $12.7 BILLION in loans and dropping the total value of the embarrassingly under-funded Heritage Fund to a whopping $691 million by ripping the guts out of what’s left of that dried out carcass.

Huh.

Maybe I’ve just misunderstood what ‘living within our means’ actually does mean all these years. To The Free Dictionary!

live within one’s means

to spend no more money than one has. We have to struggle to live within our means, but we manage. John is unable to live within his means.

Nope. Guess I was right.

I truly believe that a collection of heroin addicts could do a better job of running a budget than the Alberta government. But hey, no new taxes! So it’s all good, right? The mouth breathing rubes who have a shit fit whenever anything as EVIL as a TAX is so much as hinted at can all breathe a sigh of relief that we’d rather gut our pitiful excuse for a piggy bank and borrow more than $11 billion. Because a sales tax would mean the end of democracy as we know it! Freedom would burn, and the terrorists would win and stuff. We’d better keep handing away resources, saving nothing and racking up a higher debt load while continuing down that well trod path of ‘Economic One Trick Pony’. It’s worked out SO WELL for us. Why change? Change is scary. That’s why we’ve had exactly two parties form a government in Alberta since 1935. Let those other provinces have their sales tax and their diversified economies…that shit’s for losers!

Instead we’ll all cheer while the government talks about ‘fiscal responsibility’ and ‘doing what’s right’ while racking up huge debts in a short period of time. At least we can be comforted by the knowledge that we don’t ever change the governing party. Hell, things might actually have turned out BADLY if that were the case…

And don’t worry, Edmontonians! Stephen Mandel has his concerns right where they should be when it comes to an austerity budget that could mean cuts to funding for things like local school construction and infrastructure funding and LRT expansion and the like…

“I need to reiterate, that I have been reassured time and time again that the issue of the arena will be dealt with in this fiscal year,” he told reporters outside his office Thursday. “Until we look at the documents and analyze them, I can’t say anything further.

“The speech is a very broad based document and the devil is in the details.”

Well, thank whatever deity you choose to believe in! Here I was concerned that this might negatively affect Edmonton, but at least the mayor is hopeful that the ridiculous arena agreement he signed in to might still work. Thank goodness for that!

Are you trolling us all live and in person right now? Are you? No wait, this is your last hope that your final legacy project will come to fruition before you shuffle off to whatever it is ex-mayors do.

You were NEVER getting $100 million! A child could have told you that! Multiple government sources DID tell you that! A government in massive financial trouble is not going to hand over $100 mil so that a fucking HOCKEY ARENA can be built, particularly not when that same government is under investigation for receiving possibly illegally massive campaign contributions from the guy who owns the fucking team! SHUT UP about the goddamn arena!

Oh, but there’s good news for the future! The government TOTALLY believes resource revenues will bounce back to where they were expected to be this year. Of course, those estimates are based entirely on both the Keystone pipeline AND the pipeline through BC or to the Maritimes being passed…and those are a done deal, right? No problems there? And thank goodness that the Alberta Conservatives have always been on the money with resource projections and that this year is just a blip…