PEGUGU

either crazy or in love

2025-12-29T06:42:00.000-08:00

don't trust future you,

if you refuse discipline today,

the "future you" will only repeat the same mistake.

there are only two things, 0 & 1

left and right, in and out

your hardship and toil will be

a sweet memory if you

finally successful,

even if you don't

you won't regret it!

It feels forever, the pain

when over, it's felt like a dream.

will you still work so hard

if you know, you won't make it?

if so, either you are crazy or in love.

The Body is The Boss

2025-10-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

The Body is The Boss

It's not you want to eat, sleep, pee, sex, your body wants them, you are only the agent, the slave. You can't win fighting your body, what so called free will is the body's will, you can't tell yourself and then do what against the body such as "Today I don't want to sleep and pee," maybe you can, but only for a while, and you will pay a great price and consequences, and won't be long the body takes over everything again.

The mind follows the body, if the body is shut down, the mind shuts down as well. In case a spirit possession, there are no two spirits or minds in one body, there is one and the only, it's the p functional body, no matter the spirit's power, when the body is injected with anastesy liquid, it collapses, the mind shuts down, no spirit survives and takes over the body, the body is always the boss.

To master the mind, master the body, so buddhist monks practice meditation by practicing sitting still, breathing, fasting and so on. The mind will follow.

Young men are hungry for sex, it's the body that hungry not the mind, when the body is still a child, he doesn't want sex whatesoever, when the body is ill or malfunction, he doesn't want sex at all.

Mind and Body problems; depression, fear, loneliness and others.

fear can be caused by low temperature and high corbon dioxide in the brain, the low light also causes many illusion that causes fear. The real problem is the body, can be the brain, gut bacteria, heart problem, bad eye condition or other part of the body, Oliver sack wrote many books about this topic.

The problem of happiness.

Whether you are happy or suffer, it related to your body, you just misread and misunderstood the fact. You feel so angry knowing your partner cheating, so sad hearing your loved one gets ill or die, and you feel accordingly. With anger you feel a great energy to explode, with sadness you lose energy and feel weak. Your mind react differently in different body condition, whether at the time your body is hungry or full, warm or cold, tired or relax, and so on. Therefore exercise the body can cure depression, for example swimming or running. When you feel down, unhappy and depress, don't go to a doctor or friend, go swimming or running, the body cures the mind because the body is the boss and always will be.

The last words, mind is the body's function, it follows the body, take care of your body and your mind will be happy and powerful. knowledge is memory, is brain things, you make it powerful by reading, it's body thing.

What's In Tomorrow

2025-10-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

What's in tomorrow?

It's your birthday,

next birthday will be the 40th,

merely a number yet concerning.

The same running time,

the same hope for better future,

the same cycle of biology,

the same longing for the past beautiful memories,

one more day has passed.

happy birthday beloved one,

look at those babies, those children, teenagers, young people and elderly,

they are all your reflection in the mirror of life,

if not in love, their heart beats so quietly,

uninterested to life, only exist.

those who are in love, are crazy,

and act as if nothing bothers them,

corageous, shameless, as a drunkard.

others act as old prisoners already decided to stay in jail,

give up on freedom,

because nothing left outside the darkness of the bars.

if I can advice any living being, stay in love,

in confusion, pain, feel the oxygen of life,

the water in the rain, the volatility of relationship.

everything is fragile, only love is antifragile,

everything is falsehood, only love is pure energy,

if you want her to be different, it cannot be,

even yourself cannot be different as your wish,

there's no other way than your way,

take it naturally without regret,

for you know the reality is merely mind-construct,

no matter how long you live, you live that long,

just as it is.

let go the worry, you lose your life every moment,

and finally everything,

it's just the way of nature.

the pleasure you miss, just let go.

pleasure is short, pain is deep,

everything that has gone, is meant that way.

"so when tomorrow starts without me,

don't think we're far apart,

for every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart"

4 October 2025

nb: my unfinish painting, I will definitely finish it very soon (before the next birthday ^_^), that time will have another one, much much better.

You are stronger than what you think

2023-07-04T01:27:00.000-07:00

Thing is hard because we don't have the right story or imagination. For example, running 10 miles everyday is hard for 99% of people, then someone offers $1k per day for doing that, now it becomes easy for 99% of people. When one says, "I can't do it," it's not the reality. It's a story. It can change when we add something into it, maybe great reward or severe punishment. When one says, "I don't love you," it's a story. It's not a law. Don't take it too seriously. You can change the story because you are stronger than what you think. You just haven't realized your true power and potential.

The Art of Not Wanting Anything

2023-05-28T20:30:00.007-07:00

Success, having more money and stuffs than what you need, can only mean more entertainment. If it can go on forever, it's boring, if it can't go forever, then you will suffer of not having them. While your life is a journey to be there, to have more than you can spend, to have entertainment all the time, to be in heaven. You will find that heaven is really a boring place and situation. The best journey is the journey to be a master of your own mind. Sidharta gautama had done the journey and he arrived. You know the story but you are not anywhere to learn from it. You are still unhappy because you still want to be happy. Once you drop the concept of happiness and accept this life just as it is, you will be free from this drama of happiness. But if you drop everything and you want nothing, life is no better than death. Actually, happiness is easy to get. Unfortunately, people get the wrong idea about happiness. Most people think happiness needs a lot of possessions, fame, power, and luxury. Real Hedonist is Epicurus. He lived relax and simple carefree life with friends, guess he was truly happy. Most people will never be truly happy no matter their condition. The nature of pleasure doesn't last long. It also soon turns into normal, this is called hedonic adaptation. Life revolves around eating, sleeping, and working. People do not need to work very hard to survive yet they spend their life working long hours to quench their bottomless worry, envy and greed. Wise people live simple carefree life. Most people will call them lazy, running away from responsibility, and so on. Rich people are admired and respected by society. It becomes a competition to be wealthy and abundance. In reality, money can only provide more food they don't need, more vacation and entertainment. Unluckily it can't buy the freedom nor time. More money they have, even more they want. Normal common people need to work at least 8 hours a day in a factory to provide basic needs. The basic needs are no longer foods, simple clothes and a house, but much much more than that. Except you live in seclusion, you need to earn enough for social life. On one side, you must work and earn enough, on the other side, you get older and weaker while your needs get even bigger. You worry your whole life. Even at old age, you still worry about your childrens and grand childrens. You carry your worries to your bed the whole life. The solution to worry and unhappiness is working for yourself to attain mastery. You must have power to feel secure and happy. Entertainment is temporary solution to eternal problem. It works for a moment, but it worsen the situation in long run. You should not waste our time on entertainment. The best way is to enjoy simple pleasure provided free by the nature such as morning sun light or walking in nature. What you need to survive is very little, what you need for happiness is even less. Most worry and fear and greed come from bad judgements.

Don't seize the day

2023-05-22T19:54:00.006-07:00

Every morning I wake up not knowing what will happen that day. No matter what I have plan in mind, it's still a mistery. Life is difficult only when I don't accept reality as it is. And reality is merely fabricated by the mind itself. Nothing is outside of the mind. People live their life doing work they think they must do. Life becomes dull, boring, difficult and stressful. They live in quiet desperation. They are trapped in a stright labirinth the whole life. Like a turkey, the end is always on the table. Such end will cancel out all happy memories that remained. Only by accepting reality as it is, life is OK no matter what happens. People will get sick, old and will lose everything they have. All beautiful things are temporary, they turn into ugly, useless, or even burden. I don't envy any single soul or anything on earth because I know that everything is basically the same. I'm indifference to entertainments and any falshood. I believe that everything is determined, there's no free will. tout est déterminé as Spinoza said. All the body and mind sensations whether pain, pleasure, comfort, love, anger and so on are caused by something, the the caused is also caused by something else. Yesterday feels like a dream, I barely remember anything about it. Soon I will forget it totally. What I can't remember, it doesn't matter. There was time when my life was so difficult, then it passed just like a dream. Good moments disappear even faster. A cheetah can run very fast, a turtle walk very slow, a bird can fly, a fish can swim, they would think that they do it all out of free will. They have no clue that their will is fabricated by their biology, consciousness, and environment. A tiger always wants to eat meat instead of grass. They crave sex at certain age to female of their own kind. Some animals seem so lazy, some seem so dilligent. Human is not difference from other animals. Their behaviors are not independence and free from the causes and the environment. Human has more complicated brain and can rationalize everything, yet basically nothing different at all. I can't even tell my brain to stop thinking, or to think as I plan, I'm not the master of my own mind. So rather than busy chasing happiness, I'd rather accept reality as it is and OK with everything. To live longer is just to suffer more. It doesn't really matter how long I can live, I won't do anything to prolong my life. It's like 2 hours movie is not better than 3 hours movie. If I die young or old, I will die content. It's just the nature of life. I'm not busy doing anything. I'm not unhappy or happy with my situation. I'm at peace. I watch a lot of movies, read a lot of books, I can imagine the life of people. What they do all day and what they feel. And I don't think I want to be any of them or envy any of them. An eagle can soar in the sky looking down to spot a prey. Such life is full of adventure and beauty. A sloth can move very slowly and spend most of its time sleeping. Such life seems so boring and dull. Actually the sloth will always choose the sloth way of life. “I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contain’d, I stand and look at them long and long. They do not sweat and whine about their condition, They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins, They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God, Not one is dissatisfied, not one is demented with the mania of owning things, Not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago, Not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth.”__ (Walt Whitman) Human life is full of fear, regret, envy, greedy, worry and all kinds of negative emotions. They create stressful life for themseves, they create their own suffering. This suffering is ironically the way to be happy, to get better, stairway to heaven. It's a cruel optimism. This is exactly what happened in story Sastra Jendra Hayuningrat Pangruwating Diyu. Rahwana was born from Two most noble and wise people in their effort to save the world, to eradicate evil forever.

The game of life is all ilusion of mind

2023-05-14T15:53:00.002-07:00

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars. _Walt Whitman You want what other people have. A hundred years ago, no one wanted to have a lamborghini, no one had one, it didn't exist at the time. The point is that actually no one wants a lamborghini, people want the attention. What we want is decided by others or society. There is no free will whatsoever, there is only conditioned mind. You can work hard and have what you want, but you cannot want what you want. No animal wants a carier, newest fashion, or fame, only human tortures herself with such ridiculous desires. It's not even her own desire, it's the society she belongs to. What people want is love, attention, respect. Then society decides that it is money or consumerism or spiritualism, so be it. If one lives in society that value x and y, so the game is about x and y.

Do it without trying

2023-05-14T15:35:00.005-07:00

People go to work every day regardless their feelings, problems and wheather. They are so successful doing that action. It becomes norm, stronger than nature. The same people try to lose weight, try to be a writer, try to start a business, then they fail because they try. The subconscious mind knows whether one is serious or not. If it's serious, you don't try, you do it with all your might. You do exactly what you really want to do. When you waste your entire life on social media, television, procrastination, the cause is actually rooting in yourself. You always try, not sincere and serious about your own life. The mind is easily manipulated and so is the body. I have seen a disable person doing heavy duty chores. She didn't try to do it, she must do it if whe wants to do anything at all. A baby crawls because she is serious about moving from one point to other point. If you really want to move, crawling is not a problem at all. The only reason you fail is because you don't really want to do it. You think you try, and when you fail, that's become the reason not to keep doing it. What seems easy and obvious becomes difficult because of self-sabotage. Procrastination is a problem of unseriousness. When your house is on fire, when you are about giving birth to a baby, you don't procrastinate. It's to be or not to be, there is no try. As long as you try, you will fail, as long as you be, you be. Never try to do anything, just do it with all your seriousness and sincerety. There's no free will therefore mind is easily manipulated. Everything has caused, and the caused had another caused. You can learn success from a baby. She speaks a language and walks naturally. She doesn't try. Success will come naturally if you just do it every day until the action becomes you.

The End of Life Is Not Pleasure

2023-04-12T02:45:00.006-07:00

Which one is better you get a job or fired from your job? From one perspective, getting a job means you will have security, you can eat three or four times a day, hang out with friends, and you can buy house and car. Losing a job can be difficult, now you can only rely on yourself. Maybe you will lose relationship, your friends will slowly disappear from your life. You live simple life, eating simple food once or twice a day. You will realize that being poor is not as scary as you had imagined. Most will say that the first case is better. You will think less about life and death because you don't have to think, you have schedule you can't avoid. Your life will pass like a dream until you get old and regret. You will finally lose your job, friends, and security. Hopefully by that time you can rely on your children. Yet still you feel useless and weak. Shall we get old doing the same thing over and over again for others who pay us to get security for a while? I have seen so many old people are unhappy in their life. They do not know what to do with the rest of their life. They used to have a master who told them what to do. Being free then becomes scary and stressful. As the ones who have no master since young, they get used to it. They somewhat find their way in life through a lot of problems, they manage to survive until the old age. They rely on no one, they have their own way to deal with failures, lonely, and uncertainties. They can enjoy the life as it is. When they think about death, it doesn't scare them a bit. Their life is always simple and They think clearly because thay have a lot of time thinking, they have no schedule, no meetings to attend, no invitations to parties and hangout. Most people life in fear created by their own mind. Very few people will die of hunger but people are afraid to be hungry and therefore they eat too much. They work hard the whole life to shut this kind of insecurity inside them. There's no security in life, death cannot be avoided. It's certain and we live with that certainty. We put away the thoughts about death, we pretend if we don't think about it, nothing bad will happen. We are like a candle. Now it's lit and gives light, the light will go off sooner or later for certain. During our live we'll always heard the death of friends and family members. It reminds us now and then. We are always in constant fear and refuse to face it. All kinds of pleasures are meaningless compare to death, yet maybe we need pleasures to distract our mind from this fear. The closer to the end, the fear grows bigger and bigger in the background, in subconscious mind. So, living pleasurable life is not that lucky. It's just momentary run away from fear. Like you eat delicious foods but end up in hospital because food poisoning, or because you eat too much. The bad end will ruin the whole memory. Imagine you get drunk and having sex wildly with a friend. The next day when you sober, you are in court for raping a woman you thoght you just had fun with. All pleasures have the price to pay sooner or later most of which not worth the consequences. The end of life will never be pleasure. Who knows if you live miserable life the whole life, the end is much favorable, a relief of suffering. You feel contented and say, finally it ends.

There's no such thing as true happiness

2023-03-31T07:03:00.004-07:00

I have nothing to do everyday. I realize that people cannot be truly happy in this life. When people get older, they don't have anything to do, just sit down in loneliness. Young people are busy working their whole life, to earn money. Money can make them feel secure and loved, as general valuable, and yet it's just illusory. Other people do not really care about them. Friends and families just say hi now and then, and maybe visit several times a year. The real need of human is really few and yet all people dream to get everything, to be loved and respected by everyone. This is the illusion of happiness and security. In the future, there is only one possibility, death. People just don't have time to think about death. They always avoid to face the reality, which is somewhat bleak and cruel. Even the happiest and most successful people will suffer at the end. It's inevitable, just the way of nature. Pleasure is just like eating, to much pleasure is self-destruction and dangerous. In this sence, indeed no one is more fortunate than others. For example, I have nothing to eat today, and someone has everything, a party. Then tomorrow we have the same meal, which one will enjoy the meal more? Pleasure is short live and easily forgettable. Good fortune will not help anyone to be really happy, if it's not already inside him or her, it's just a momentary sensation, just like a good lunch, soon will pass and be forgotten. Pleasure and pain are within us, It's the nature of human being.

Give All Take Nothing

2023-03-10T14:36:00.003-08:00

People always want to have more so they take more. They become greedy. Little they know that it's the direct path of unhappiness. Sidha warned us long ago that the root of suffering is attachment. The opposite of that is happiness, detachment. Detachment means to give all, take nothing, fear and worry nothing, ignore pain, in short it's the way of power. In marriage, when two people need each other, they can only have conflict, conflict of need, they become needy, when they need they take. As long as one needs, one will be unhappy. In reality we need nothing, we don't even need life itself, not to say just pleasure, fame, luxury. Wise people do not think those are necessary for happiness. What necessary for happiness? According to Epicurus the hedonistic philosopher, they are friend, freedom, and wisdom. Friend can only just yourself, if you are kind, your life is peaceful. Freedom is freedom from want, worry and fear. Wisdom is knowledge to know what necessary and what is not necessary. Everything else comes from poor judgement. Further he said that needs can be categorized into two, necessary and unnecessary. Necessary for life: simple food, necessary for comfort: simple cloth and house, necessary for happiness: friend, freedom, and wisdom. His dogma is simple, life is easy, it becomes difficult because of poor judgement. Most people today aim to be successful, it means having much more than needed. Little they know it brings more misery than true happiness. They forget about life itself, they become the slave of pleasure. Their mind is full of worry, fear and dissatisfaction no matter how much they have. They always want more. If other people tell you what to wear, when to work, how to behave, you are a slave. They bribe you to forget your dream, they give you pleasure. You are in constant worry and fear because you don't have real power. Little power you have is given by them and it can be taken easily any time. You need them, they are your master. If you think clearly, you need nothing, not even life itself. Fear and worry are the sign of weakness of mind. You should live this life and die bravely. This is Buddha's enlightenment, life is suffering, and it's okay because you can let it go, take your own path to detach from wants and desires which are the root of suffering itself. Do not think that life is about pleasure vs pain, it's actually about pleasure vs power. Power equals happiness. If you take pleasure, you will be punished. Power is not conquering others, power is conquering oneself. Power is giving not taking, if you take, you are weak because you need, you are a slave, if you give, you are a master.

People Act Based On What Is Common

2023-01-16T14:09:00.005-08:00

People work eight hours a day and get minimum standard wage, it's common and therefore it's OK for them to do so. What common or uncommon is based on experience and knowledge. For some people, exercise everyday is common and normal, so they do it, for others, it's not. It's just merely the habit of mass. For some people, going to work for others everyday nine to five, is unbearable and unacceptable, so they don't do it. The key is habit. Habit is acting normal without making effort or decision because it was decided long ago. In long term model, everything is easy to do. But people live at the present and cannot comprehend the long term model. They crave for immediate gratification. Fat, stupid and poor are the most common trait of people. This is caused by immediate gratification. They fail to control their emotion and fall into the trap of Siren song. Aim at anti-fragile and ignore the siren song.

Emergency and Siren Song in Life

2023-01-09T13:45:00.004-08:00

People only act upon emergency. When your house is on fire, you act immediately, everything else doesn't matter. People only act when cornered and there is no way out but acting. Yet there's no emergency to be a master, to be rich, to have great and strong body, so people simply do not act. People are procrastinators. They do not act, they react. People are waiting the time to pass only to do the same thing again the next day. They make excuses for not doing what they know necessary. People do not act if they don't see immediate consequences. Smart people know this and they anticipate what will happen. Ulysses knew he would be tempted by the Sirens, so he created a pact with his future self now we know this as Ulysses pact or Ulysses contract. The principle is to apply immediate consequences of an action. Sirens are everywhere in real life, it can be television, social media, smart phone, games, and so on. Most people are just doom and step to the jump to the ocean willingly. They will never escape from the matrix of this Sirens.

Kant's View On Freedom And Duty

2023-01-03T12:56:00.001-08:00

freedom is doing without inclination. If someone does something for the sake of getting reward or avoiding punishment, it's not freedom, it's inclination. Freedom should free from temptation, fear, worry, and so on. According to Kant, freedom only possible when you do the duty. Doing your duty is universal law. People are procrastinators because they think about wheter what they do will bear any consequence, whether it's pleasurable not painful, what other people think about it. Kant, different from others, views that all of that should be ignored, just do the duty, full stop, do not think about consequences. To do so is a true freedom. For most if not all people, the ultimate motivation of doing something is to get pleasure and to avoid pain. They think freedom is doing what they want. Children and drunkards always do what they want, but it's not freedom at all. Children are pleasure seeking while drungkards are under the influence of alcohol, they often regret their action or ashame after they are sober. They are manipulated by their ignorance. Kant perspective on freedom is anti-fragile, because not caring about consequences will make you become stronger over time and you will have more determination. It's sincere. Procrastination is the sign of insincerety and unseriousness. When someone decides to be a writer, for example, writing becomes his duty. He must write regardless all consequences. Most people give up on any mastery because they think to much about consequences. They are not focus on doing their duty. They are attacked by resistance like Sidha was attacked by Mara. Spinoza said, excellent is difficult and rare. I close this writing with a poem by Charles Bukowski. Roll the Dice by Charles Bukowski if you’re going to try, go all the way. otherwise, don’t even start. if you’re going to try, go all the way. this could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs and maybe your mind. go all the way. it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days. it could mean freezing on a park bench. it could mean jail, it could mean derision, mockery, isolation. isolation is the gift, all the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. and you’ll do it despite rejection and the worst odds and it will be better than anything else you can imagine. if you’re going to try, go all the way. there is no other feeling like that. you will be alone with the gods and the nights will flame with fire. do it, do it, do it. do it. all the way all the way. you will ride life straight to perfect laughter, its the only good fight there is.

Sincere Desire

2022-12-28T15:26:00.000-08:00

People are procrastinators because they do not have sincere desire. Procrastination is the sign that one is not serious about his desire. Without sincerety, it feels difficult to do the thing. Then he wants to escape from the main course by doing easier thing or procrastinate. People are not addicted to pleasure, they are addicted to escape from reality. True desire doesn't need reward and doesn't care about anything but itself. People opinions are not important at all. When the motivation is outside of inner self, it's not sincere. Most people are motivated by money. Most people will say that they can't run 10 kilometers, but then if one offers them one thousand dollar for every kilometer, most people will be more than happy to do it much much more than that, even every day. When people say, it's difficult, actually it only means they do not want to do it. Unfortunately or fortunately no one will offer anything for us to run 10 kilometers every day or doing anything else, that's why only sincere people will be successful in this life. Most people are sleepwalkers, they have sold their life and soul to others. They are afraid to be the master of themself. They think that they need money that much to survive and pursue a mastery. They do not realize that money can only buy consumer stuffs. To survive what we need is just one simple meal a day and water, even one hour working will be enough to survive. For most people money only add fat to their body and waste their time on unnecessary vacation then show off on social media and socialisation on meetings and gatherings. If I want to be a writer and then I write a blog but literally no one reads my blog, I stop, it's unsincere. I must not care about anything else but writing itself. Most people just want the reward as soon as possible. When they don't see the reward for a while, they just stop or run away. This is how people fail to be anything serious, to be a master. Maybe it needs ten or twenty years of daily toil until one becomes successful. One must not expect easy path, shortcut, or help from others. One must be willing to stay in hell forever if necessary to achieve his ultimate aim, and it won't be forever. Easy life is not worth the oxygen. Life is short and somewhat meaningless. One must become the best version of himself.

Bad Idea

2021-07-27T17:20:00.004-07:00

_28.7.2021_ People often have bad idea about their life. When they think about success, they think it comes easily or by luck. There are always options and we are always choosing. Most people will choose what is easy. They often avoid complicated and difficult things. Success is ten times more difficult than what they thought. I thought mastering Chinese language would spend two three years, actually maybe it needs ten years or more. Maybe it's because I don't force myself to study every day. I thought I would study every day because I really wanted to master the language. The reality was completely different from the expectation. Man is predictably irrational. What they plan and what they do, are two completely different things. If they plan what they do, they will hit 20% of it, if they don't plan, they will hit almost zero. I thought that writing would be so much easier after I did it for a while. It's not the case. The same thing with exercise, it's not getting easier. It doesn't follow the simple mathematics. It's always easier not to do than to do something. I choose what is easy most of the time. It's the default mode. Suddenly I realized that I wasted to much time on doing nothing related to the prior plan. Lately I didn't use pomodoro timer. It's the best time keeper and strategy I know. I need to use it again immediately. I know it worked very well. Most people fail because they are full of bad ideas. They make wrong decisions too often. In a day, they probably waste 80% of their time on social media, negative thoughts, watching TV, gossiping, and so on. I know this because I am the real case. When I really use pomodoro timer, I normally can do 8 pomodoros in a day, it means four hours only. If I can do ten pomodoros, my life will be different. This is what I imagine. It's said that the world is only my mind's reflection. Everything outside is inside. The game is a single player game. I compete against myself. Just like this writing, whether I write better than before and write longer than before, it depends merely on myself. Spinoza said that if someone says that something is impossible, he already decided not to try. Most people believe that it's impossible to earn one hundred million per month therefore never try anything to realize it. Rich people believe that to earn five hundred million is possible therefore do whathever needed to realize that idea. Everything starts with an idea. This entire reality is the idea of all people, one's reality is his or her own idea. If I have idea that I can learn Japanese and I really do it, it's just a matter of time for me to be able to master Japanese language. Other people who believe that it's impossible, it indeed becomes impossible for them. Belief creates mindset, mindset creates attitude, attitude creates habit, and habit creates reality. Even my identity is just a set of ideas that I believe as me. It's alterable but who cares to alter it? The question for all people is that whether they really want to change? Most people want to be rich, healthy, happy, but really? To choose a consequences is to choose the action. People are smart enough to know that to do this is to get this. If people want to master Japanese language but do not study hard, it means they don't really want it. They just say nonsense or make a joke. To own is to take responsibility. To have a clean house is to clean the house. It's simple but most people do not really understand it. The action and the consequences are the same. Action is the reflection of belief. I believe in one's action more than one's words. I do what I believe and I don't do what I don't believe. This is how reality is formed. When people have bad ideas, they have bad reality. If they believe they can or cannot do something, they are correct. If I believe that my time worth one hundred dollar per hour, I won't do work for ten dollar per hour. No one will value me more than I value myself. I know this, therefore I must value myself. Most people will value themselves depend on how others put the value on them. People even willing to work hard for little money because they belief that it's their price. Other people decide it for them. They have no power to put their own value and behave accordingly. It's a bad faith not fate to believe that they can't change and do something differently. We are always choosing and deciding. It's better to live simple life as a farmer and doing everything out of freedom and independence than selling or renting out our time and labor for small money and fear of being fired. One must try to work for himself at least for ten years before he decided to work for others. Those who work for others to earn small money are merely afraid of their own bad ideas. They are full of self-doubt and bullshits. Life is not dangerous today. People can try anything and won't die from hunger. The easiest way to be rich and successful at anything is to work for oneself. It's easier to master a foreign language by self-study. It seems difficult compares to joining a class, but once he figures out how to do it, he can do it anytime, anywhere, his own way. Finally one must work hard to eliminate bad ideas and believes in himself before he is able to take the real actions. Journey to success is hard and dangerous. It's necessary and full of challenge. Life is an adventure. Do not bend your knees to bad ideas.

Boredom and Focus

2021-07-26T17:01:00.007-07:00

_27.7.2021_ What stop me from finishing a book in a day is boredom. It starts with the decrease of energy, then I lose my focus and I finally stop reading. Reading is the habit that I want to maintain to the end of my life. I want to spend my time to read books at least two hours a day. Anything that I do not monitor, I will fail to do it. It must follow simple rule such as wake up and then write a page for writing. For reading I must also create a pattern that is attached to the pattern I already have. These several days I do not write religiously like before because I don't follow my pattern. I procrastinate until I am too tired to do it. Morning is the best time for me to do anything difficult and energy consuming. I am morning person and better to wake up early like at three and start doing activity immediately. I still waste a lot of time to do nothing. If I start late in the morning, I will miss a lot of activities whis are important for my future. Modern people focus on working. They think they waste their time when they do not work. This happens to me as well. But actually working for others is also wasting time, working in something less than my highest capacity is also wasting time. I must focus my time and energy to do the essential and important work only. Reading and exercising are always important. First I need to decide what is important and what is not important and stick to that. Watching movie on You Tube is not important. Watching TV is not important at all. I need to know what can I do today that will make me successful in ten years. Creating YouTube videos and maybe drawing can also make me successful. Planting trees will make me successful in ten years. Reading books is the best infestation. I know that all success start with the right mindset. I need to read more. I need to train my focus as well by meditation every day. If my mind is not peaceful, to focus is almost impossible. Especially my ears are sensitive to sound. Anytime I hear a voice from television, I can't focus at all. I need to cover my ear or listen to white noise. I'm sure that everything on Television is ignorance and I can't hear it without feeling undisturbed. I imagine if I do not have boredom I can finish everything that I start quite easily. If I can work hard for a long time and focus, I believe that to be successful is just a matter of time. Time is the key factors in everything. Most people try to avoid boredom by doing something else. Today it's simply checking social media and watching videos on You Tube or on similar platform. I create a You Tube channel myself hoping that people will watch and I earn money from that. Most people use others' ignorance to earn money. If all people are mindful, they won't spend time on social media and they do not need to buy stuffs mindlessly and business won't go well. Actually it benefits the whole society and increase the prosperity of all people. I feel bored sometime because I do not see the results of my hard work. Then I think, "what if this is another failure?" or some other negative thoughts that destroy my enthusiasm at the time. Then I simply entertain myself doing foolish thing on internet. I can imagine one best character that I represent the love of pursuing dream. The character is from a movie titled "Perfume, the story of a murderer". He thinks about nothing else but his ambition to create the best perfume. Nothing and no one can stop him from achieving his dream and he does. If you are interested in doing something, happiness doesn't matter at all. People want to be happy because they are boring. When they are interested on something, they are ready to suffer. Happiness is for boring people. When one falls in love for the first time, he is so excited and possessed by love. Happiness doesn't matter, he can do anything and it's beyond happiness and suffering. Nothing is more important than his love. When a scientist is on a venture of research who interest him, he doesn't really care about the danger. He is more than willing to sacrifice his life to do it. When an astronaut goes to Mars for the first time, He doesn't know what will happen, but he is possessed with enthusiasm of new exploration. A true artist is ready to live in poverty for his art journey. A sage can go to a jungle and doing meditation without thinking about the dangers that maybe happen anytime. It's great to have the fire inside you. When you don't care about happiness anymore and you live your life fully. In reality, most people are just too bored and fear to pursue whatever they want to pursue. They kill their dream in order to live safely. They get bored and pray to have easy life. Every day they pray for happiness. They pray for eternal happy easy life, heaven. They do not know what it really is. They just want something different from their life out of boredom.

Compound Effect

2021-07-25T08:29:00.004-07:00

_25.7.2021_ Every success is the result of compound effect. In other words, Aristotle said that 'excellent is not a single action, it's a habit. My English and Mandarin skill today are also the sum total of my efforts in the past. In Outliers by Malcom Gladwell, he believed that to master a skill, it needed about ten thousand hours deliberate practice. The number is debatable but the message is clear that a lot of efforts needed to master a skill. What seems easy is not easy at all. For example, to run a marathon what you need to do is just put one feet in from of the other but how many people can do it successfully. To finish reading a book is merely one word after another, but how many people can do it? The difficult part is not doing it, but how to build the habit and do it every single day. Usain Bolt said, "Competition is the easy part. The real work is done behind the scenes. When the world sleeps or relaxes, you work." In other book I read, it takes ten times more efforts than what you expected to get your goal. What is easy on the paper, it's not easy in practice. You want to try intermittent fasting, and guess what, you fail sooner rather than later. You make a New Year resolution, and it's broken by the end of February. Who doesn't want to be successful? We all want it. Yet who really do ten times effort than the initial expected effort? Less than 1% people would do that. When you lose a war and look around, still you can't see the enemy. It's inside you. When you make a decision, it's often between comfort and discomfort. You will choose comfort 99% of the time. You will not push yourself hard enough to taste the pain of hard work. Success and failures are not permanent conditions. People often measure them with money. More money means more success. If I write a totally bad book and people love it, I will get a lot of money. If i wite the best book but people do not like it, I get nothing. It's just opinion and not necessarily the good one. Einstain said that one should not aim to be the man of success, but should aim to be the man of value. A scientist maybe live in poverty while a criminal maybe live in luxury. When something goes wrong or gets difficult, the first thought is to give up. And people just give up like that. They do not play long term game. The quit and play another game and another and another. They think they have worked hard but they are just unlucky. They see people who work much less than them can be successful. They envy the result but not the process. Some people seem to get success (which is money) easily. Some others work as hard or ever harder and get almost nothing. It's easy to make assumption and judgment and then give up. In term of skill, everyone starts from zero. Skill is not inherited. People are limited by their own believes. People have studied the success principle for centuries. More books and seminars about it, videos and programs discuss it, but still only few people have the privilege to be successful. Money becomes the center of human life. Of course more people are wealthier today than a hundred years ago. It doesn’t follow that they are happier. More and more people are lonely and unmarried to pursue success first. What they truly want is love and attention, respect and kindness. They think money will solve all their problems. I also want to be successful and live comfortable life. It would be nice to have a great wealth. After reading so many books about self-developments and self-help I think I know how to be rich without being lucky. First, I should not work for others. Second, I should start my own business whatever it is. Third I should learn a skill and be the best on it so I can create the best product that is needed by society. The last I should find the right team and work as hard as possible. If I work as a teacher in a school, the maximum income I get is around ten million rupiahs. If I start my own business, I can get unlimited income. Yet to work for others is more secure and easier. So people choose to work for others. They work hard from seven to three to earn just enough to pay the monthly bill. They love their freedom and courage to be independence. I know that no one will ever value me more than I value myself. There was time when I worked in my best friend's small business and she didn't see me as a friend anymore, I turned to be merely a worker. When I had some urgent family matter and absence from work, she would not allow it. Business is business, friend is friend. I can understand this. Suddenly a person turns into a number. When I started a business that is not successful yet, people will look down on me. After years with no good result, the best option is to quit and come back to work for seven to three in an office. That is how people fail. They are not patient with the result and impatient with the work. The work must be done every single day for years and the result must be waited patiently. It likely will come in fifteen twenty years. Knowing this principle is a great comfort for me. It's compound effect to grow slowly like a tree.

Reality and expectation

2021-07-22T18:46:00.004-07:00

_23.7.2021_ People are always busy doing what they don't plan to do, keeping what they don't plan to keep. It's because they do not have peace of mind to do whatever they plan and just do it. There is always something else to do and to have. The mind is never quiet and contented. Buddhist calls this a monkey mind. The mind is always attracted to something new and different. It's wired to learn new things. I do not know a kid who is not curious about everything. It's very hard to focus and do what is important, because it wants to know everything. I want a clean and tidy room, the reality is far from it. I want to have rich life, the reality is often the opposite. All my wishes and desires come from the monkey mind. It's not satisfied with all it has. There is no limit to wishes and desires. This becomes serious problem for me. But lately I notice that my desires switched from physical pleasures to mental pleasures. It's not a total sudden switch, but a gradual and slow. I do not want to join rat race, I want to have slow-pace of life. Life is not a competition to collect toys. Those who die with more toys are the winners. Without the competition, life would be boring. The competition gives people energy and excitement for life. Both sides are okay. Some people want to be kings and some others want to be sages. It makes life complete and interesting. Nothing to worry about life. Life itself is suffering mostly, if you are willing to suffer, you can do anything. Things become tricky when people want to live freely without suffering. Life is simply choosing the consequences by choosing what to do. This is called karma, the action and the consequences are inseparable. Because people do not understand this concept they think it's cruel to live in poverty or sickness. Our condition is the consequences of our own actions and others and everything is interrelated inseparable. If you do not sweep the floor it will be dusty and then you say, "It’s not fair, who makes the floor dirty, it's not me, why should I clean it?" Everyone is the part of the universe. No one can live without bacteria or oxygen or water. Life is interdependence relationship with the universe. It's natural to live and die. But when the focus turns into the competition to collect toys or stuffs, it not natural anymore. Do we have real power to control everything? It's easier to destroy than to build. When people can destroy things, they think they have real power. Nature can build everything necessary to exist. People can create and build as well. The process of creating is often a cruel process, it also involves the process of destroying. No one can create something from nothing. We have to break an egg to create an omelet. To build a house we cut down trees. Every creation is the act of violence. Even just to keep living, we must eat another living being. It's the transfer of energy from one form to another. Reality as it is, we'll never be able to comprehend it. People can only see very little part of a reality, it's far from complete and comprehension. We do not have sufficient tools and processor to see the whole things. We hear small range of frequency, we see small range of colors spectrum, and there is no way to see the reality as it is. But that's enough. That's not the problem. When we know that we are ignorance to almost everything, we become wise. We won't have unrealistic expectation anymore. It's not easy to realize that we are ignorance and even harder to accept it. The gap between reality and expectation is knowledge. To know is to expect thing as it is, to expect the reality. It actually doesn't matter whether you are famous or not, whether you are successful or fail, whether you live long or short. It's just facticity. Happiness has no direct causal relationship with facticity. You can be happy even if you were born by or as devil. This reasoning is not the excuse to stay inactive and accept fate. One can always live the life he wants. This is the argument to live free life. Happiness is a decision you make no matter the facticity. Nature can cut you into pieces but it can't take your happiness from you if you decide to keep it no matter what. All kinds of evil things can happen to you but you still the one who can decide whether you will be happy or unhappy about what happened. There is no reason to stay in the job or in the relationship you hate. You are always free to make the decision, especially the decision to be happy or unhappy. Finally I believe that everything happens outside of your control. It has interrelation to each other in the universe and yet you can control one thing, your choice, your decision. If you decide to be happy person, no one can stop you. Maybe you friends deceived you, your spouse is unfaithful, you are ugly and poor, and so on. All those facticity has no direct causal to your decision whether to be happy or unhappy. Buddha said that life is suffering, it's true. It's the fact of natural law. To live we need to consume another living things, what a cruel law. Yet Buddha also said that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way itself. You are there when you realize it that you are already there.

Nemesis

2021-07-20T20:53:00.006-07:00

_21.7.2021_ Everyone has life time enemy but not everyone realizes this. The enemy is not ugly and dirty like a monster, it's often invisible, or even beautiful. People willingly bended their knees to this enemy. Sometimes it takes form as comfort, pleasure, fear, self-doubt, and boredom, sometimes it takes form as nothing at all. I know it exist inside myself. I can't kill it once and forever. It's like a bacteria in my body that keep me alive if not too many and will kill me if too many. It has no mercy nor moral. I face it every single day and fight it. I often lose and sometimes win. It's the other side of the coin of my identity. No matter how thin I slice a coin, there will always to sides, me and my nemesis. What I can do is to take more control and win more often. Albeit what I declare everyday about my goal, I still do not achieve it because it's sabotaged by the nemesis. I do not do what I should do. I wish I can just tell myself to do something and really do it. Sometimes my own feeling against me, sabotage me. I don't even know how to get full control of myself. I think there are more than one self in me. What if actually I do not need to fight at all? I struggle to be better while good better best are just social constructs. They do not naturally exist. Why shall I copy from others and take it for granted that it's the rule. What if the whole world is just a movie in my mind? It's like a dream that I can't control. It's just there. No need to do anything about it. I never think how to fix my dream, but why I bother to fix my "reality"? I do not need to fix the weather, the planetary system, the universe, why should I fix myself? I see other people can be so successful economically and I envy them. I think I do something wrong and must fix it. I must be successful as well. If I'm not as shiny as the brightest star, I'm at fault. I'm busy fixing this and that, I do not really have life. I think a wild chicken has better life than me. How funny but it feels so true. Shall I blame myself again for this unfortunate life? What if this happens to all people? That life is truly suffering as Buddha said more than two thousand years ago. What if I'm already happy and live in heaven, I just dream about world and think I live in the dream forever. I live in my ignorance and become unhappy. What if pleasure is merely junk food for mind? Devil loves pleasure. Pleasure and ignorance are best friends. People do all terrible things for pleasure. Of course not all pleasure is bad, pleasure is actually good in itself. But it can be used as a tool to sabotage and deceived. When making decision people think they are choosing between pleasure and pain. They will always choose pleasure and never pain. That's how they are deceived. Real pain is often hidden behind immediate pleasure and real pleasure is often hidden behind immediate pain. It's understanding or knowledge that can save people from making stupid decision based on what seems good at the moment. Sometimes the only thing that prevent me from happiness is my own baseless opinion that I copy from others. With current condition of life, I don't see any good reason to be unhappy about life. All people should be happy and live like in heaven. They always want to be happier and happier and happier. They always want something else than what it is. Socrates, Buddha, Spinoza, and Zhuang zi have less material possessions. They proved it with their life that they were happy with less. So many examples but still almost no one can learn from history. They still think that money is happiness. Those who choose to live carefree and simple are often happier than those who strive for economic success. Working 15 hours a day and hoping to buy real life with their money when they become rich one day. It's easy to envy the richest people in the world, and no one envy the wisest. All update status on social media basically has one message: "envy me". I used to be one of the greatest fan of social media. Those who is not rich and beautiful will still find a stage on social media such as, "I'm religious, envy me", "I'm wise, envy me", and so on. No wonder people do not get happier with better living standard. The culture of comparing and competition in social status can ruin people's happiness. Why people want to be rich while they do not really need all of that to be happy. It's just rat race, the stupidest game human invented in modern era. We all participate in this as a society. It's painful to see a friend has more toys. Even Epicurus didn't go that far. He would think that rat race is total foolish. It's just it. People take it for granted than once they live in society, they must participate in the game. If everyone else works for 15 hours, those who work only for 5 hours are lazy. If everyone has two cars, those who has one only is poor. If one doesn't join the game, he wouldn't find a friend to enjoy the show or even just leisure time. It's than better to join whatever the game is.

Self-Made

2021-07-18T18:17:00.005-07:00

_19.7.2021_ After more than two thousand years of Buddha's warning, humans are still the same in term of their suffering. People do not learn anything from history. Most people today are much more affluence and prosperous compared to kings in the past. People have access to everything, communication, travelling, foods, and all kinds of pleasures that are possible. And yet people still suffer and unhappy. They do not get better at it. Only suffer differently. Poor people suffer, rich people also suffer, single people suffer, married people also suffer, all suffer from their own desires for more or for something different. Human suffering is self-made. They can escape from suffering, they just don't. Potential is the ability that stay inactive. It's the possibility and capacity. I can read a book per day or even more but I just don't do that. I can do exercise for 8 hours a day, I just don't do it. I can work harder, more focus, more this and more that, I just don't do them. I can have six packs belly, strong limbs, sharp mind, and all I can imagine. I don't meet my potential. I believe that I am what I make myself to be. Now I'm studying Mandarin, I can listen to mandarin audio for 24 hours a day even when I am sleeping if I want to. It will make me master this language faster. I just don't do that. I don't even study one hour every day. That is not the only thing I do. I'm busy doing something else, always something else. It's maybe I have too many wants and agenda. The result is that I get nothing and do nothing significant. It's difficult to be happy because there is no limit for human's desire. People always want what they do not have. It doesn't matter how much wealth they have possessed, it's not enough. Enough is always here and now. If you thing you need more, it will be forever. People think that to feel enough with little is a laziness. It's probably true for some. The reality is that those who have little are often those who work the hardest, worker class. 955 in Western countries, 996 in China. 996 means working from 9 am to 9 pm, 6 days a week. And that is still not enough because they are competing to have more status, stuffs, and wealth. Because it's a competition people will try their best to win. Playing stupid game, winning stupid prize. I think I join the competition as well. When I know that someone get 400 million per month just by being a content creator, I think I can do it too. I also want that sum of income. When I was a student in University, I thought that five millions per month is more than enough for me to live happy life. It was ten years ago, now I see this very differently. I think I should earn at least twenty millions per month to have decent life. When I lived in Jakarta with seven to eight millions salary, I could only meet my basic daily need and live very simply. To work and get that sum, I need to find a good school because I am a teacher. Most people get four to five millions. This is how the competition trap all people from all level. They have their own competition. Those who get 100x more do not work 100x harder. For example a world famous football player earns 1000x more than a local football player. He work at most two or three times harder and get a thousand times reward. It seems not fair but it is the rule of the game, the winner wins all, the loser gets almost nothing. The world famous writer earn 1000x more than local writer. The key is that you must be number one to win all the prizes. This applies to everything. The most expensive car that cost 1000x more than normal car is not even 5x better in quality, not 5x faster as well. The key is to be the best, to be number one. Never compete in the low level because the outcome is very little and the competition is very high. Most people are afraid to meet their true self, their potential. David Goggin said that when you think you have reach your limit, it's just 40% of your real capability. It means that most people do not work hard enough to see their true capacity. People are lazy and fear to the real monster awaken from within themselves. They will transform into their best version that they do not recognize. They are afraid of unknown and terrified of being one. Butterfly and caterpillar are the same individual in different form or stage. Human also can turn into such different individual only after he gives up his old self. It's the journey from zero to hero, or even from zero to one. David Goggin is one example of this. I read his book and watched his videos. I realize that everyone can do the same. I can do the same. He was fat, lazy and broke before he turned himself into fit and successful. It's the journey through hell. One must be willing to suffer to be able to do anything necessary to the top, to be number one, the winner. It's the competition against oneself not others. It's one player game. When one doesn't recognize his own enemy, he has lost the game in the start. The game is to get better every single day and keep going until one turns himself into a master. Most players will give up after several game-overs. As Winston Churchill said, "If you are going through the hell, keep going".

Motivation doesn't work, reward and punishment do

2021-07-17T06:41:00.003-07:00

_17.7.2021_ Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey. (Marcel Proust) I have to admit this myself that motivation doesn't work. I watch motivation videos every day to motivate me, it fails, again and again. I think how good it is if I can always do what is necessary by motivating myself to do it. It sometimes works for a while and then it stops working. On the other hand punishment always work. Punishment can come from oneself or others, sometimes from society or family. I hate this idea that what works is what is painful. I believe that it's immoral to coerce others even to do what is good. Reward and punishment only work for a short time. Once the reward and punishment are not there, the behavior will disappear. It doesn't last for long period of time. The best example is policemen. When they graduate from police academy, they have a good shape, but several years after that, majority of them ruin their body shape. They are overweight, not better than normal people. The discipline of exercise disappear just few years after graduation. I believe that people go to work every day their whole life because of reward and punishment. The reward is the salary and the punishment is being kicked out of the company if they do not do it as the requirement. They sign a contract and they know for sure the consequences. This method is very effective as long as the reward and punishment present. It doesn't matter whether people are happy or not, it's not the concern. The thing is that they do the work. It's proven method along history. When no real reward and punishment, doing something consistently is very hard, especially something difficult like learning a new language, drawing, painting, or dancing. Any skill needs deliberate practice for years to be obtained. Relying on motivation only is often too naive. Motivation is like emotion. It's not reliable at all. The most discipline person in the world is maybe Immanuel Kant. His discipline comes from deep understanding. Different from military discipline, it comes from reward and punishment. As long as the reward and punishment are there, it works really well. I must use this knowledge to improve myself. To build a skill is a long journey. It needs hard work every single day and the reward will be in ten years. It's very hard to see the reward at this time, people often lose their motivation very soon. I can refer this to myself. I fail every single day to meet my target. Discipline is the key of success. Discipline is a habit that must be build every day and be monitored all the time. If I do not write this daily note, I won't even realize that I keep failing every single day just to keep simple habits. When I do not pay attention closely to how I spend my time, I will just waste it all. I am a reader who does not read, a painter who does not paint. I do something else that is not in my schedule, not in my plan. Pleasure beats me, I bend my knees shamelessly and admit defeat. I know the consequences and still make the wrong decision based on my feeling at the time. I do not do what I know is right to do, I do what feels good. I feel like a kid facing marshmallow. Powerless to focus to the far future. But I try to be positive, to make the right decision in the middle of temptations. Just like this writing, I know I can finish it albeit my feeling. I feel sleepy and unmotivated to do this now but it's like a vow to do it every single day forever without any exception. It's just one page of normal daily note, nothing special. I know I can do this even when I have no idea at all. Nothing among the habit I try to establish is hard. Even to do what is easy is not easy if it involves discipline. What beats me, beats everyone else. When relying on motivation basically I rely on moods and feelings. It's hard to control what I don't understand. I'm often surprised how unreliable my will power and moods. I can't let this happen any further and yet I still do not know how to control them properly. They key is self-management. I'm still my not-so-good version of myself. Now I'm really sleepy. This is called resistance. I won't let this stop me from finishing a simple daily note. Being sleepy I can wash my face or even my body. I do not understand why my feelings try to sabotage my logic. I feel like punching my own face to wake me up from this lethargic and sleepy feeling. Why my mind creates this unnecessary drama. It's just a small routine that I have done for almost two months. Maybe I really need to sign a Ulysses contract to punish myself when I neglect my important routines. I should hang it on the wall and read it every single day. As a teacher I always motivate my students to study hard, and yet to motivate myself to do the same is not easy at all. This is as difficult as to flatten my stomach. Maybe unconsciously I always use the word "difficult, hard," and any other word that has negative meaning. I do not know. What I know that it's not the last battle. Tomorrow the battle will start again, the drama will be played again in my mind. Whether I win or lose, it depends on my preparation and strategy. Now I win, I have finished one more daily note.

How easy to fail

2021-07-16T10:41:00.008-07:00

_16.7.2021_ I have been writing every day for more than forty days and today I almost skip a day because I am sick. It's very easy to fail and make anything as an excuse not to do it. There are always excuses, plenty of them not to do it. Especially when I don't see any progress at all or when the progress is very slow. The progress here is often merely the respond of others. This the society, to be successful is to be widely recognized. It's again about money. I hate to admit it but when I watched an interview on YouTube about a content creator who easily earn four hundred millions rupiah a month I really feel that what I do is nothing. I know that it's not fair someone gets so much more than a scientist or professor who works very hard the whole life and earn less then tenth of the money that she earn. It's actually not easy to be recognized publicly on You Tube. The top one percent get it all. It's not uncommon a video about a cat dancing or a girl showing boobs got millions view while an important lectures got only thousands. That's what people value with their time. If only one percent that can be successful, to be failure is almost an absolute probability. It doesn't mean that I should not try it. It sounds stupid to do what I know will fail. I know if I stay true to myself and choose to stick with education, I will get few viewers. It's OK. If You Tube content creators only create junk contents that is popular like junk foods, I can't imagine. Every day I listen to audiobooks on You Tube and lectures. Those videos no matter excellent made, always got few viewers. Anonym cute girl showing boobs can have a millions subscribers white big name like Harvard and oxford maybe only have less then half of it. I shall not envy ignorance. Money is only numbers and I do not need that much. I want more than that to show off and because I don't really know how to manage that much money, I can't get that number. In the past I loved taking pictures and buying expensive gears was just a matter of time. No matter what I would by them. This is how thing works. If I can imagine it and plan to do it, I will do it no matter what. For most people what they can imagine is like ten million per month, and they can only do so much as their imagination. I easily assume that money makes people happy. It is at some level true, but after certain number which is not much, more money won't add more happiness. Just like eating maybe, it makes people happy after certain sum number. I can easily imagine twenty or thirty millions per month if I am successful with my You Tube channel. But knowing that one gets four hundred million after only about a year, it's really something. It open a new horizon as well as make me realize how greedy actually I am. The most important people in the world like Socrates, Kant, Spinoza, didn't get much money at all. So many great painters and writers struggled to make a living. So many military army go to war and scientists live dangerously to do research and they got very little money. When I think about this, how unfair the sistem is. The system today values what is not important, only what is popular. It's not new I guess. Politicians from the history were dominated by greedy assholes and they got everything possible by the system at the time. The got the rewards for even negative impact they created to the people. Finally to fail doing great thing is much better than to be successful doing useless thing. To be poor philosopher is much better than successful porn star. Life is not all about money. For philosopher, money doesn't have that much value. I say this not because envy those successful people. Like a wolf who said that grapes are sour because he can't get them. I know too many people who work very hard and make very little money. They do not even have time to do anything else. They sell their labors and time like slaves. I can't say that they are stupid, that's the best option they have and they live their lives not miserably. They get used to their condition and accept it. As long as that they do not know that someone like them get one hundred times more than them with less work. People often assume money with luck. If one have much money, people say that he or she is lucky. It's very easy to imagine that they are happy. People get used to everything. Happiness is not about money nor pleasure. I learn this story from Buddha's life. Even getting all pleasures that you can get, you still will get old, and sick and die. You will love people you love and everything you value more than money. It's only knowledge that creates true power and can really make people truly happy. Most people can't see this and do not pursue knowledge, they pursue money. Socrates will be learned by people thousands years in the future. The richest people today will be forgotten several month after his death except he created great significant service for society. But still he's value is not as Buddha or Socrates whose name will be forever remembered and valued. It's OK to live simple life. I pursue knowledge and it won't attract so much money. It's OK like that. As long as I can be a good reader and read two or three books in a week to the end of my life, I can say that I am successful. It's always nice to earn more so one can feel secure and help people and family they love. Charlie Munger and Warren Buffet are those who get rich after decades working and become the master in their field. No one envy them because they are so different. I think those who aim merely to get rich won't get so far. It's the idea the makes people meaningful. So many athletes and movie stars get rich and famous and then no one recognize them after their successful period of time. They are enviable for a while. That's life. It's not about fair or unfair, it's just it. The best books and novels are read by less people because they are necessarily difficult. Only best reader can reach them and care. Few people read Marcel Proust or Kant and it's okay like that.

It's just it

2021-07-14T20:13:00.007-07:00

_15.7.2021_ Without judgment, no good nor bad, not success nor failure, it's just it. To be able to live at the present moment and make no judgment is the ideal condition of life. Most people suffer from their memory and their imagination. When people drink alcohol or having orgasm, that's their effort to free from their mind that always presenting them with stress and drama, the stories they create by themselves unconsciously. When I see animals in their wild life, never they looked so depressed or worried about anything nor even bored. They always have something to do with their life at the present moment. They are not bothered by their memories and imaginations. Now I try to apply this into my life, less judgment and love the fate, amor fati. Love is the absence of judgment. Just take it as it is genuinely. Sometime when I am tired of doing something that I believe important to do and about to give up, I try to tell myself, it's just it, take it easy, it's not suffering. Suffering and pleasure are the story I tell to myself. Being alone with myself I can easily describe it as painful or the opposite I can enjoy it and feel free. It depends merely on the story I tell myself. Having ugly face, for example can also be considered lucky because no one would treat you ingenuinely, people do not even bother to notice you. You feel free and unnoticeable. That depends on the story you created by yourself not by others. I can apply this to everything. To writing I can just sit and write to the finish line without judgment whether my writing is good or not, important or not, and so on. Just sit down, write until the finish line. It's very simple and powerful. So many people want to write something and fail miserably each time because of the judgment, the story and drama he created himself. And there is no end to the drama. I think it's good to just do it. People are lazy to study for example because it feels painful and boring, no it's not, it's just the story and drama they create. Other people create different stories and can do it successfully. They can even be happy doing hard work without much reward. The action itself is the reward. If even animals can live so easily and happily why would we humans live miserably. A spouse or family member maybe is annoying, too demanding, a friend maybe deceive and lie to us for their own profit, and so many other problems in daily life. Life is not as good as we expected. That's actually normal. It is as it is. We do not complain much when it's raining, or sunny, because we do not have particular expectation about how it should be. We just take it as it is. But in a relationship, we expect others to behave as we want, and it always ends up with disappointment. When I do exercise, I expect it to be tiresome and indeed it is, I'm not complain about it because I expect it. People are often disappointed by their own expectation and being unhappy about it. People have different characters. It's often difficult to deal with them. Some people complain all the time. They feel they are the victims of politic, society, rich people, and so on. I do not know why they create such story and make their life become difficult. If they can learn a little from animals, they will be happier. Even slaves actually suffer more from their own story than from reality. When I see a crazy man walking carelessly and laughing out loud happily, I realize that suffering is mostly self-story telling. Most people would compare themselves to others and identify and other people are more and better than them. That is the source of their suffering. Right now I got sick from covid 19. I will suffer if I dramatize this, but if I take it as it is, I do not judge it as bad or good, it's just it. Even if I die from this virus, I won't die suffer. I just take it easy. People may be afraid that they do not have proper respond if they are not panic. They do not do enough effort if they take it easy. Whether it's about their work, relationship, health and life as general. When an animal got accident or sick of any parasites in the wild life, they do not go to doctors, they just take it as it is. Humans are different, they have ability to consciously create the story. They can create a detail story with their specific languages. Yet most people choose to create bad stories. They live unhappy lives for nothing. This is why Socrates said that there is only one good, knowledge and there is only one bad, ignorance. Now I think it's better to always be positive. In the past to be too optimistic was dangerous because maybe a lion could eat us anytime, to be cautious all the time was the best strategy to survive. But today we live in different time and we have no predator anymore. The only enemy is our own negative thoughts. It's OK to think that if I do not work hard I won't be able to live prosperous life. The strategy is to work hard but do not take it too seriously if fail or success. Just do it and always be positive. It's not a dangerous situation to be positive all the time. When we trust others, people may deceive us, but it's not always the case. It's better to be happy from imagination than to suffer from imagination. To fail today doesn't mean to fail forever. It's actually failures over time that will make the journey to success getting closer and closer.

Start from zero

2021-07-13T21:50:00.001-07:00

_14.7.2021_ Competition is the easy part. The real work is done behind the scenes. When the world sleeps or relaxes, you work. (Usain Bolt) I try to understand the general principle of success. It's the decision to take what is hard rather than what is easy. It's 24 hours a day, yet most people really do their work for less than five hours. When I really use pomodoros, I can track my working hours. It rarely hit 8 pomodores. People do not really dedicate their time and energy and focus to do whatever they believe necessary for their goal. It's easier to mindlessly watching TV or YouTube videos. When people say that they want to be something or to do something, they do not really mean it. They do not do whatever it takes to make it into reality. I often say that I want to be a painter. I do nothing to get there, not even one pomodoro a day. They are just like me. I think about this over and over again. What I really want to be. The reality is that I do not want to sacrifice, I want to enjoy every day and every time with entertainment, no hard work, no striving. Now I realize that my attitude was wrong. I need to write my goal and see it every single day and do whatever it takes to make it real. It's definitely not working for others. They ask too many requirements and those requirements aren't really essential to the work. They give only enough money to the worker in order to work again and stay at work. This is the irony, instead of pursuing my dream, now I'm looking for a job that can give me monthly salary. I wife wants me reliable income. It's my fault that I waste my time and energy and money in the past. Now there's no time to wait for another ten years to start a new business. The best I do is to do it as a side job. I know that it's actually no one faults, not even mine. In the past, I was different person. I didn't think about marriage and so on. I didn't think about building a business in order to be rich. I always liked to live simple carefree life. Now I am different person. I should start from zero again as a new person. I can imagine myself wake up one day as a crazy man. People do not care about whatever I do, even walking naked on the street won't bother them much. No one cares because no one knows me personally. I am a stranger, an alien, a crazy man. That's actually the ugly truth is. No one really cares about others. Especially if they do not know you. There is no reason to impress others and to do what is expected by others. Just live freely and bravely. All pleasure is just a matter of body and mind sensation. No one is really important, not Bezos, not Gates, not, Musk, no one. Life is a single player game. It's just me and the game. The game is in my mind. Whether I win or lose, it doesn't really matter as well. Important thing is that I play well. Bad things can happen anytime, good things must be earned to happen. It needs work hard for years. But it's okay. Happiness can only happen through work. To be born as a prince, one can't be happy if he doesn't work hard. He will only become an object. The same happens to a beautiful girl, she can only be an object of lust without ever has chance to see the potential she has a human being. Pleasure doesn't make people truly happy. People just do not realize it yet, therefore they pursue pleasure. They fall into consumerism lifestyle. More they have, more miserable they feel. Every action bring consequences in it. Eat more food, in no time one will be fat and ugly. When the foods do not feel as pleasurable as before, at the time the consequences already happened. It's like a punishment for doing what is normal. But working every day over years will turn into reward while the work doesn't feel hard anymore. It feels like a reward for doing what is normal. Always choose to work hard, not for others as a slave, but for self-development. Indeed it's easy to say and hard to do. I think everyone need to learn discipline and using tool to measure it every single day. I use pomodoro technique and it works well so far. I can combine this with Ulysses pact go ensure the success. I know myself that temptation is always win over will power. To be successful, one must have a strategy just like what Ulysses did when facing Sirens. I know that I write the same thing over and over again because writing is basically repeating my thoughts. To write is to think clearly and more focus. I my mind, it always a monologue about everything over and over again. Therefore reality is shaped by the mindset, by what I believed. So my reality is the projection of my thoughts. By writing it, I can analyze it and remove what is unnecessary and useless which occupy more than 80% of my mind. Sometimes I want to be someone else, like Diogenes who can live carefree from others opinions. The hell is not the others but oneself. I create my own hell. No one knows what I'm thinking about, I should be free to think and imagine about anything. I should dream big and beautiful. And I should pursue my dreams no matter what people think about it, or what I think what people think about it. It's not too late to start over from zero again. If I think that life is difficult, it is just my own imagination. It's not difficult for others, not for Diogenes who only had a cup to drink, and he even threw it away after he saw a boy drank from his hands. Life is not difficult, I make it difficult and try to blame others, the world, and the situation. I can live like Diogenes and be happy if I want, or I can live like a crazy person who is actually like Diogenes, carefree from all.