Penguin Thoughts

What Iron Man teaches us about Boundaries

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Wed, 28 Dec 2022 06:29:00 +0000

I often have the occasion to explore the concept of emotional boundaries with therapy clients.

It is understandable that when someone experiences a traumatic event, we self-protect by quickly erecting rigid and strong boundaries. These reactions to our trauma are understandable. However, those boundaries often stick around after their initial helpfulness and become burdensome. Rigid and inflexible boundaries make sense to keep bad things out, but they also keep good things out and limit our flexibility to respond to new situations.

To explain this concept, I sometimes use the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s version of Iron Man, the superhero as an example. In his first appearance in Iron Man (2008), after being kidnapped and tortured, Tony Stark cobbles together whatever is available to him to make his first suit of armor. It is unwieldy and bulky, but effective at protecting him long enough to escape.

Mark I armor

After he recovers, he is inspired to refine his armor, creating the next version that upgrades it significantly. He adds repulsor technology that lets him fly and an AI computer that allows him to respond quickly to other threats. I point out to my clients that in this analogy, Tony Stark seems outwardly confident and capable. However, for all his intelligence, he seems to be driven by anxiety and fear that he could be hurt again and be powerless to stop it, so he keeps developing new armors.

Mark II armor Adds flight, AI, Weapons

However, Tony learns that for all of his upgrades, it has a big flaw… it would freeze up in high altitudes. This allows his enemy to almost defeat him in the first movie. In later versions of his armor in later movies, he designs his next versions to cover that flaw, as seen by how he can now fly into space without his armor freezing.

By the end of the first movie, he’s already on version III of his armor. By Iron Man 2 (2010), we see his Mark IV armor and we can tell that Tony has recovered a bit because his armor is not just something he dons to protect himself, but he wants to wear it all the time (he even installs a feature that takes care of his… biological functions… so he doesn’t have to take it off). His Mark V armor adds portability so he can have access to his armor even when he is not close to his home base. In therapy I point out that as we become comfortable with our rigid boundaries, we may start to want to live within them so much that it gives us a false sense of security. Tony begins to design better suits to handle new threats and new situations. Subsequent versions of his armor incorporate upgrades. For instance, after his fight with Whiplash, where the electrical feedback overwhelms the armor, his Mark VI armor is more durable and shielded from electricity when we see him tussle with Thor and his armor takes a lightning strike from Mjolnir and redirects it.

In Iron Man 3 (2013), Tony’s armors (unhealthy boundaries) create problems for his relationship with Pepper. He continues to be driven by his anxiety to create better and better armor with more and more capabilities. But the fallout is that his reliance on his armor is what begins to define him (“I am… Iron Man”) He creates the Iron Legion (35 different armors for different situations) and even creates a version that he can control remotely and use to protect others that he feels compelled to protect. The armor is effective at protecting him physically, but his emotions leave him exposed and he cannot appreciate that vulnerability.

We often believe that vulnerability is weakness. However, when vulnerability is honored… when we can be appropriately vulnerable and the person/people honor our vulnerability and respect it, that same vulnerability can generate incredible closeness and trust. Properly navigated, vulnerability is the birthplace of intimacy, creativity and connection (Thanks, Brene Brown!) Tony finally begins to learn the flaws in his “I want to build a suit of armor around the world” philosophy that leads to his creation of Ultron, the big bad villain of the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie. He builds a team and starts to learn to trust others to be his team, his partners and he begins to find balance in using his armor (boundaries) when needed and using his other strengths to navigate situations that don’t require armor.

In Captain America: Civil War (2016), we learn that Tony has been doing a lot of soul searching to work on his emotional issues and the central theme of the movie is played out in Tony’s overreaching anxiety that leads him to try and control everything around him, polarizing his friends and teammates into opposing ideologies. However, it is Black Panther that manages to work through his grief and anger at the death of his father who has the most character growth in this movie.

In Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame, we finally get to see Tony learning to trust his teammates and open up to Pepper and although he still has some tendencies (stubbornness and overconfidence in his ego strength) that are troublesome, he has developed armor (Mark L) that is lightweight and flexible and based on nanotechnology. It is adaptable and versatile and most of all, he is able to use it when needed and he relies on his many other resources to navigate all of the movie’s troubles. This is the goal of boundaries. Not to limit how others can approach you (they’ll figure out ways to circumvent your boundaries if they can). Not to dictate how others should behave or control them. Boundaries give space to go about learning to have confidence in yourself and trust that you are powerful, versatile and able to respond as needed to just about any situation. Our world doesn’t become less dangerous or able to hurt us because we have boundaries, we become stronger and more capable to navigate in helpful and appropriate ways.

Anyhow, I hope this extended analogy is helpful to expand the concept of healthy boundaries.

-Jeff

Year in Review: 2018

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 19:57:00 +0000

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and so chose death over exile. While I am facing neither, I to appreciate the wisdom in looking back over the past year to examine what happened and think about what I've learned.

I don't really journal (although I would like to be better about journaling...) but I do post regularly on Facebook, so last night, I scanned through my posts from the past year to remind myself of what I was doing, what caught my attention, what I commented on...

So, a quick recap:
Jan: I started the year watching movies (which I did plenty of this year), so apparently spending time with family and friends being entertained is a thing for me. I posted a lot of inspirational quotes and food for thought throughout the year as well. Puzzles were a thing for me at the beginning of the year, and they tied into a theme for this year: Mindfulness. I was investigating the practice and found that the doing of puzzles fit right in with the three principles of Mindfulness: 1) Focused attention on the 2) Present "now", 3) Without judgement. Finally, I was reminded of my commitment to my self care in 2018, including exercising more regularly. Overall, a good start to the year!

Feb: This month found me discovering the Chick-Fil-A "One" app wherein I am now conveniently

able to order and pay for more fast food than I need to consume. Then again, I found a racquetball partner to help me exercise more regularly, so maybe there is some balance here. Feb is Eleanor's birth month and she prefers experiences over presents (slightly), and so we committed to taking her to a concert in March to see her favorite boy band, Why Don't We, in Austin with her bestie, Sydney. This birthday (13) marks a milestone... I have no children... only teenagers! Being self-employed means that I was able to take time to attend the promotion ceremony for my good friend, Jay Hudson, who was ranking up from Captain to Major in the Army. Finally, at the end of the month, I was able to attend my annual professional conference: TAMFT and get CEUs as I familiarized myself with the work that Esther Perel does on intimacy and relationships. It was an amazing conference and I felt like I learned quite a lot.

March: The theme of Mindfulness showed up again in my March activities, being more 'present' and considering myself as much as I considered others. My niece, Stephanie Frerot, came to visit Mom over Spring Break and I enjoyed reconnecting with Julie's family, whom I don't get to see often due to their living overseas. Amelia and I took Ele and Sydney to the promised birthday concert in Austin and it was an interesting adventure and a good time. Finally, I discovered moustache wax!

April: I was honored to be invited to present a training in Mindfulness with Play Therapy at HSU. I had the unfortunate experience of having to pay more in taxes this year than I had overpaid, so rather than getting a refund, I had to pay more in taxes than I've ever had to before now. Which, I suppose means that I was more successful than I'd been in previous years, so I'll take that into consideration. Oh, SNAP! The long awaited Avengers: Infinity War was probably the highlight of the month.

May: Mary Hannah turned 17 this month, inching closer to adulthood and reminding me why there is so much gray in my beard. Speaking of my body getting more decrepit, I had a molar pulled, allowing me to utilize all of my anxiety regulation tools at my disposal. Finally, I took a step forward in my professional life and began the process of becoming a licensed Supervisor for Marriage and Family Therapists!

June: Summertime! We got to share Cloudcroft and the family cabins with our Youth Group from Minter. This is a special place for us and we got to enjoy it and share the experience. I participated in my 4th year with Camp Courage, an organization that helps kids grieving loss in their lives due to death, divorce, deployment or incarceration. Always a great experience to facilitate healing with them. In my most obvious nod to my Mindfulness/Self-Care focus, I accompanied an amazing group of ACU folk to Colorado and went white water rafting and climbed a 14er (Mt. Missouri). It was a memorable trip and my second time to go mountain climbing (the first was right after MH was born, 17 years ago!). This was probably my favorite month, filled with time with family, friends and rejuvenation.

July: Eleanor was able to attend a month long ballet intensive sponsored by Joffrey Ballet at UT in Austin. We took several trips to Austin, dropping her off, visiting and then picking her up at the end of the month. The 4th of July is a great holiday and we were able to relax a bit and enjoy the neighborhood parade and festivities. Eryn turned 15 this month and is now standing eye-to-eye with me! My memorable movie for the month was the Mr. Rogers biopic, "Won't you be my neighbor" and was easily my favorite movie of the year.

August: Am's birthday (and Sherly's). It feels like hitting our 40's meant less emphasis on celebrating, but we managed to go on a date to celebrate. August was a month of recovering from a very busy summer (and an expensive one) and focusing on getting ready for back to school time, which happened this month as well. Among the notable quotes I posted this year on FB, my favorite for the year was, "You will never look into the eyes of someone whom God does not love."

September: My favorite video from the year found its way onto my FB timeline: Scottish Grandmother reads The Wonky Donkey. Makes me lol every time: CLICK HERE. The other big deal this month was MH's wreck. She wasn't hurt, just banged up, but the van, our primary vehicle, was totalled and we had to start the hunt for new(er) cars. Ended up taking out a loan and financing two vehicles, which was depressing financially because we finally had no car payments (since we'd paid off the van the previous December). C'est la vie.

October: My sister, Emma, sent me a watercolor painting of a penguin. She'd remembered a brief phone conversation from several months prior and it made my day to get that in the mail. ACU's homecoming arrived with my friend, Scott Stogsdill, coming to town and I enjoyed hanging with his family and being reminded that this was our 20th anniversary of our 1998 undergraduate experience at ACU. It was humbling to be reminded of the passage of time and the growth and changes that have occurred in the intervening years... and annoying that I'm *still* paying on my loans. *sigh*

November: Usually my favorite month of the year because of holidays and my birthday, but after

June, November will have to take 2nd place. It was a little sad because Eleanor made the decision that this would be her last year to participate in ballet, which we have been involved with since she was very little. So, this was our last time to do the annual Nutcracker event with the ballet studio. My birthday usually falls on Nutcracker weekend, which is bonkers busy, and so it has been overshadowed for years and this year was no exception, but I still managed to turn 42. I got to take MH on a college visit to Angelo State University and marvel at the amazing young woman she is becoming. Thanksgiving was small and brief this year because the BIG event in November was the wedding of my niece, Kaetlyn to her beau, Joshua. It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving and they'd asked me to officiate! So, our family grew a bit and I got to visit with most of my sisters and my Dad and his family during the weekend.

December: The one thing I did get for my birthday was a gift certificate from Amelia for a "float" session at a local spa in an Epsom Salt bath in a sensory deprivation tank . I found time to schedule it and it turned out to be an amazing experience! I am certain it will be a part of my self-care regimen in the coming year. Cookiefest continues to be a great family tradition and this year was great.

So, that is a brief (really!) recap of the my year... how did I grow? What did I learn? I feel like this year has been one where I have been more at peace through being mindful of my experiences and remaining 'present' during them. Mindfulness has been a wonderful addition to my therapy practice and my personal practices. I grew in my own sense of self and finding better balance in how I attend to others in my life and how I attend to my own needs. I learned to be more open to new experiences and I'm excited for 2019 and some of the plans that are hopefully going to grow to fruition as I navigate what God has planned for me.

So, if you've read this far, I assume that you are 1) bored, 2) oddly interested in my year, and/or 3) family, friend or fan. At any rate, thanks for taking the time to read the ramblings and I wish you peace and prosperity in the new year. May God richly bless you.

-Jeff

WFG?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Fri, 07 Sep 2018 05:52:00 +0000

My mom says she doesn't remember this story, but I do*.

When I was about 12 or 13, we were living in Lubbock and I was just entering the youth group at our church. I'd spent my whole life being a middle child, which often meant that if the older kids got to do something cool, I was one of the younger ones. If the younger ones got to be spoiled a bit, I was counted as among the older three... at least it felt that way to me. So, entering the Jr. High youth group meant that I could participate in youth events that my older sisters couldn't do (being high schoolers) and that my younger sisters weren't old enough for! Yay!

One Sunday afternoon, a spontaneous youth event was forming for the Jr. High kids: a group trip to the dollar movies. This was in the early 90's when dollar movies only cost.... $1! and a $5 bill could get you into the show with coke and popcorn and maybe even a candy. As soon as the evening worship services concluded, I raced from the area where the youth were sitting to find my mom and beg her to let me go. I'd already arranged a ride to the theater and a ride home afterward. All I needed was permission... and some money.

I found mom and pestered her until I had her attention and started to plead my case. "Please, mom..." I explained the logistics and waited for her response. That is when I noticed the look on her face. Now that I'm a parent, I understand much better what may have been going through her mind. I am now in the phase of life where my role as parent is mostly an ATM and Taxi driver. If I'm not working or doing something for upkeep at the house, I'm probably dropping off, picking up, resupplying, shuttling and checking on my teens and their activities and social lives. It can be exhausting. Thinking back, I remember that look on mama's face. It started off as a "no" but quickly softened to a mental sigh and then a resigned, "ok, fine". All in the span of a second.
Mom opened her purse and pulled out a billfold. She bypassed the empty compartment where paper bills briefly resided every payday. Tucked back behind medical cards and other wallet debris, she pulled out a carefully folded $5 bill.
I somehow knew in that moment that I shouldn't have asked. That $5 bill represented money that she'd set aside for sometime when she wanted to grab lunch out instead of taking a bag lunch. It may have been a 'rainy day' fund for when she wanted to splurge on a well deserved treat that moms don't want to share with greedy offspring. Whatever it was intended for, she was about to re-purpose it. "Here, Jeff." she offered me the bill.
I backpedaled. "Oh, mom. It's okay. I don't need to go to the movies. I can go next time."
"Jeff, take it."
"Mom, really, you keep it. I'll hang out with some other friends."
"Jeff..."
I continued to protest until she moved in close and stared at me, hard. "Jeffrey!" she said, commandingly. I looked into her softening face and she said, "Part of grace is letting people be gracious to you. Take the money and go have a good time."

I have had several of my therapy clients this week express their difficulty in allowing others to help them, or even asking for help when they obviously are in need of some kindness. There seems to be a feeling of positivity that we attach to helping others that is only matched by the weird shame we seem to attach to needing help. We somehow create a false dichotomy with this idea that some people are helpers and others are the ones who need help when in truth, we are both.

What we somehow fail to realize is that in order for there to be opportunity for ME to help another person, there needs to be another person who is willing to ask for and accept my help. It is a curious thing to note that when we place a positive judgement on ourselves when we help others (and rightly so, as it is a good thing to help others) we also manage to place a negative judgement on whomever is the help-ee. We weirdly manage to tie our self-worth into being in a position to help while somehow needing to avoid being in need of help. Silly humans.

In summing up her own narrative of learning to accept help, a client managed to say in three words what has taken me 15 minutes to type out. She finally accepted the help offered to her by a friend by simply asking herself, "Why fight grace?"

Why fight grace?

Good question.

And now, as you have need, may you position yourself to receive what those who love you so desperately want to offer: Grace. Help. Kindness. Relief. And may you know in that moment that God is loving you through these people.

Always happy to help
-Jeff

*my recollection of this event may have been embellished for storytelling purposes. :)

A little dabble... do ya?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 05:37:00 +0000

Recently I was reading about Mindfulness and was reminded that it is a practice, a philosophy, a lifestyle even. It is not just a set of tools and techniques. The article I was reading noted that when we approach Mindfulness from that stance, we diminish it. The power of Mindfulness, the outcomes and effects we see as a result of the practice are only truly realized when it is integrated into our daily living.

It got me thinking about other things that really require me to be "all in" to have the full benefit. Like my health. I dabble in being healthy. You know... a salad here, a jog there. Look! I'm assure myself that I'm doing right by my health and wellness as I have my second helping of fries while I binge watch my 4th hour of whatever Netflix show I'm consuming.

What else? My faith. I dip my toe in the ocean of religion and then congratulate myself on my piety. I'm reminded of C.S. Lewis and his work The Screwtape Letters. An elder demon named Screwtape advises a junior demon named Wormwood on how to properly manage the humans he's been assigned. In one correspondence between the two, Wormwood is upset that his person is regularly attending worship services and asks Screwtape how to put a stop to that practice. The crafty mentor advises his junior demon not to stop his human from going to worship, but to plant the idea that just showing up on Sunday at church is all that is needed to be a righteous person. Even the demons know that dabbling is not delving.

I wear so many hats and live in a society that pulls and tugs my attention with trivialities and novelty. I want maximum return for minimum investment. Why can't I have my cake and eat it, too?

So I've been drawn to the idea that less is more. That we don't own things... but that things own us. I've embraced the counter intuitive paradox that Jesus put forth: you have to die to self so you can live in Him... in His Kingdom, the first is last and the last is first. Admitting and accepting our inefficiencies is the starting point for allowing God to lend us his strength. I have to let go of what I'm holding on to (false idol of American Church of Busyness and Activity) to take hold of what is better.

Jeff: Ok, God. Here's some of my heart and attention.
God: That's a good start, son. What else?
Jeff: Oh, um... how about my stuff... I can probably give more at church.
God: I appreciate the offer, but I don't really need your stuff.
Jeff: Of course, of course... um... what is it that you want from me?
...
God: I've been pretty clear about this.
Jeff: I know, but everything is open for negotiation, right?
God: No. I don't want what is left over. I want all of you. Your thoughts, your will, your devotion, your attention, your service, your time, your good, your bad... all of you.
Jeff: I've tried! I really have... I'm just not good at staying focused on You.
God: Keep trying. That is what I'm asking. Where you fall short, I'll pick up the slack... but you can't dabble and pick and choose how you live for me. You've got to be all in.

*sigh

So goes my ongoing conversation with God as I try to get by with as little effort as I can and still reap the maximum blessing I can take hold of. God is gracious... yay. But God is also just... yikes.

My purpose in writing this post is to highlight the self deception in which many of us take refuge. I hope you ask yourself, "In what ways to I dabble? What in my life requires all of me that I only actually give myself to partially?"

May you gain an understanding of how you dabble. And may you also be convicted to stop dabbling and start delving. May you come to know the truth that hears God saying, "I am all you need. And I require all of you."

To do or To be?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 16:54:00 +0000

Are you a people pleaser? Do you know one?
What do you feel you have to do to make someone proud of you?
How did we learn to feel that way? I think we are conditioned by society to think that we have to DO something to be worth something.

Consider this passage from Mark Chapter 1, where Jesus had gone to John the Baptist to be baptized in the Jordan river. As he came up out of the water, he heard a voice saying, "You are my son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." In Bible class a guy commented, "What had Jesus been doing that God was pleased with him? I mean, we haven't heard anything about him for 18 years."

We all kind of chuckled because we had a shared understanding that if someone is pleased with us, it MUST be because we did something.

But...

What if our understanding is wrong? In some cases, we don't (or shouldn't) have to do anything to be pleasing to someone else.

A client shared, "I wake up every morning and my sole purpose is to put a smile on that woman's face", pointing to his estranged wife on the couch next to him. I asked, "You feel like it is your responsibility to make her happy?" He agreed. I followed up, "Is there anyone else you have worked to make sure they are proud of you?" Without missing a beat, he responded, "Yes, my father." Intrigued, I asked, "Did you have any success? Did he ever tell you he was proud of you? That you made him happy?" The client shared, "He came to visit my ranch one time, after I'd quit working for him and had my own spread. We had ridden out to inspect the property and I remember him telling me he was proud of what I'd done."

Did you catch that? His dad was proud of what he'd done. Not "proud of him" but "proud of what he had accomplished". I think this is a great example of the thinking in the world today. Our value is found in what we do and not in who we are. Because that is how we perceive thing to be toward us, we have difficulty believing that we belong or that we are accepted by others. It is this sense of "not enough-ness" that torpedoes our self esteem.

Author Brene Brown wrote, "Most of us use the terms fitting in and belonging interchangeably, and like many of you, I'm really good at fitting in. We know exactly how to hustle for approval and acceptance. we know what to wear, what to talk about, how to make people happy, what not to mention - we know how to chameleon our way through the day. One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." (Gifts of Imperfection p.25)

What if we no longer felt like we had to DO something to be acceptable to others? What if we understood how powerful it is to be certain that we are worth something no matter what we do? What if God is pleased with us because he chooses to be and not because we did anything in particular? What if we quit expecting others to do or behave in ways that we want them to and just accept them as they are? Can we change the world? Maybe, even if it is one person at time.

May you learn to accept yourself. May you learn to accept others. And in doing so, may we all get out from under the tyranny of not being "enough".

-Jeff

Unanswerable questions

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Mon, 28 May 2018 14:57:00 +0000

What do *you* do when someone asks you a question to which there is no good answer?

"Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

"Why didn't you take the trash out like I told you?"

"How could you hurt me like that?"

Wow, that escalated quickly. The 1st question is a toughie... we don't want to hurt the other person with our answer and if they asked the question in the first place they are unlikely to accept any answer we would give anyhow.

The 2nd question isn't really a question. It is an expression of the speaker's own disappointment, wrapped up in a question format. Think about it. The truth could be that the trash didn't get taken out because you were figuring out the cure for cancer but it wouldn't matter because what the speaker was really saying was, "I expected you to do what I told you and you didn't and now I'm hurt and disappointed and I'm blaming my feelings on you." No answer would be good enough, just take the trash out.

The 3rd question though...
It is a different level. It expresses not just the speaker's hurt and disappointment. It indicates that a relationship has been damaged. Trust may have been broken. There is no good answer to that question. "How could you hurt me like that?"
"How could you hurt me?"
"How could you?"
"How?"
Sometimes when we've been hurt, we can't even get the whole question out. It seemed unthinkable before it became known. We couldn't even have imagined that person could do that. Our disbelief and hurt is based on a faulty assumption. It goes something like this: If (person) really loved me, they would never do (behavior). Ipso facto, if (person) does (behavior) they don't really love me. Ergo, they never really loved me, therefore our whole relationship has been a lie. I believed the lie, therefore, I'm a fool.

Yes, you are a fool. Love is a foolish emotion. In order for it to happen, we have to take the risk that we can be vulnerable with a person by caring about them and feeling cared for and hope that the other person will handle that risky choice with respect. But they don't always do a good job with that task. In fact, for a variety of reasons, the other person just may not handle that trust well. And that brings us back to the unanswerable question: "How could you hurt me like that?"

The truth is that it is possible to love another person but behave in ways that are devaluing. However, we cannot continue to behave in ways that devalue the other person and expect that they are going to continue to believe that we love them.

In couples therapy, I often run into situations where there are competing definitions of what it means to "love". I may hear him say, "I wake up every day trying to put a smile on her face and show her how much I love her. I'd walk a thousand miles to show her that." Her reply, "I didn't *ask* you to walk a thousand miles. I just want you to do a load of laundry!" What looks like love to one person doesn't always line up with the other's view of love. Lots of people have attempted to encompass the ineffable definition of love. Gary Chapman gave it a go with his Five Love Languages. I use his framework frequently, but there is still more to be said.

Love is a feeling.
Love is a choice.
Love is action.
Love is ..... (fill in your favorite way to describe love)

Problem is, although we have overlapping definitions, the areas where things don't overlap cause problems. I've adopted a definition of love from Everett Worthington Jr. from his book, Hope Focused Marriage Counseling:

Love is valuing the other person and refusing to devalue the other person.

I love this definition because it encompasses the understanding that we can say (or feel like) we love the other person, but if we aren't demonstrating it through our behaviors (in active and passive ways), it isn't really complete.

May you learn to value others and refuse to devalue them. May you find the answer to the unanswerable questions. And may you discover in the process that part of the answer lies in questioning our assumptions and finding ways to ask different questions.

Counterintuitive

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Thu, 17 May 2018 15:28:00 +0000

Sometimes I run across ideas that don't seem to make much sense on the surface, but they have deeper truths that reveal themselves later. They seem to run counter to conventional wisdom and require me to give some thought to them, so I call them "counter-intuitive". Today's counter-intuitive idea came from a Facebook post by the straightforward thinker and TV personality Mike Rowe (https://www.facebook.com/TheRealMikeRowe/posts/1916686088341525). While the entire post is well worth a read, here is the part that jumped out to me:

"Failure was simply viewed as the most common symptom of trying. Consequently, the more I tried, the more I failed. The more I failed, the more I succeeded. The more I succeeded, the more confident I became."

For many of us, 'failure' is a bad thing. It is associated with a sense of inadequacy, with shame or with uncomfortable feelings. Because of this, our brains begin to associate 'failure' with 'bad' and we learn to avoid not only actual failure, but anything associated with failure. You know, like, effort and trying. After all, if I don't try, I can't fail. See? This can snowball into other's perceiving us as 'lazy' and cowardly, but somehow, those things are more tolerable than feeling like a failure.

Wait. There it is. The subtle, but powerful, distinction. *Being* a failure vs. failing. As Mike Rowe indicated, when we fail.... when failure is an action, an outcome of trying something... something outside of us, it is possible to learn from it. To grow from failure. In this sense, when I try and fail, it is feedback. It is experience that I can use to change my attitude, my behavior, my intention as I try again and move closer to success. Far from being a bad thing, failure is an *essential* thing for me to experience. When we internalize failure, we begin to see it not as something that often happens when we try something. We think that failure is something that we *are*. Can you understand the powerful difference between thinking, "I *am* a failure." vs. "I tried something and failed at it."?

I'm thankful for people like Mike Rowe, who can succinctly remind me to think differently about failure. I'm thankful that I can think more deeply about what it means to fail and learn that failure, far from being a bad thing, is an essential thing to my success.

And now, may you find failure, and in failing, may you find that you are successful. In feeling successful, my you try and fail and try some more and in the process discover that you are powerful beyond belief.

-Jeff

Word Power

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Wed, 26 Oct 2016 17:19:00 +0000

There is a phenomenon known as the Michelangelo Effect, named for the renaissance artist who was reported to have described his work saying, "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."

I hold the same opinion about relationships. There is a generally accepted notion in psychotherapy that you can't change others, you can only change yourself. While this is generally true, I think that it ignores the power of relationship. What I mean is that when we are in a significant relationship with another human, it is possible that our mutual influence on each other will have a transformative effect. It is, of course, possible that despite the significant relationship we share, our influence may prove ineffectual in motivating another to change. How do we maximize our influence?

I believe part of the answer lies in how we perceive others. Research indicates that we begin to form our self-image, how we think about and consider ourselves, by the way that others treat us in our very young years. Ideally, loving parents and adults would help shape a baby... a toddler, a child's view of him or herself as worthy, capable, valued and unique. However, I've facilitated enough therapy sessions to know that all too often, we pick up other messages from our tender years.

Let me offer this word for your consideration today:

Corrigible

You have probably heard it's antonym, 'incorrigible', used to describe someone who is a miscreant, unredeemable and not worth your time. Or possibly, you've heard someone tease another by saying, "Oh, you bad boy... you are incorrigible!" Outside of obscure texts, I don't think I've seen or heard 'corrigible' used in everyday conversation. This is a shame, in my opinion, because it should be the foundation of healthy relationships. Corrigible means: capable of being corrected, set right, or reformed. When we are able to view others as corrigible, it transforms our relationships from inflexible, unyielding prisons of habit and patterns of behavior and attitude and turns them into a place where when you mess up, you can own up to the mistake and work on improvement. When we do the opposite, when we view others as incorrigible, we relegate relationships to brokenness, disappointment and, eventually, disposal. And then we jump from relationship to relationship seeking something outside ourselves that is whole and healthy and not broken, when the truth is that what needs to be fixed most is how we see others.

May you learn to shake off the lie that your past defines you and may you begin to see yourself as someone who is open to correction and able to improve... and in doing so, learn to value yourself and others in a whole new way. May you be corrigible.

note: crossposted from www.youneedacounselor.com

Decide, don't slide

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 15:37:00 +0000

The first time I heard this phrase, I thought it sounded silly. A simple rhyme devised on the fly to help someone remember a concept, but maybe a little too silly and not clever enough. Over the years though, I haven’t come up with a better way to help explain and remember such an empowering idea. There is something mighty about the conviction that I am able to make a decision and feel assured that I can manage the consequences. That silly phrase, “Decide, don’t slide” helps me realize the power of that conviction.

We make decisions daily, but not all are equal. Some have more weight than others. What to eat for breakfast vs. where to go to college are very different decisions. The amount of energy and focus put into the heavy decisions will be important whereas some decisions don’t merit much thought. However, one long term effect of having a good decision making process is that we build confidence in our ability to not only decide but also to handle the consequences of our decisions. That is where this phrase “Decide, don’t slide” is helpful.

Many decisions are unconscious decisions that get made by default. By not consciously acting on information (making a decision), we are in effect, deciding not to decide about something. For instance, many decisions are ‘made for us’ when we don’t pay attention to deadlines. A habitual procrastinator, I have frequently fretted about a looming deadline, telling myself all of the lies

procrastinators espouse: I work better under pressure; I’m better at impromptu; I’ll have time later… As the deadlines approach and then zoom by, we might experience some relief that we are no longer pressured mixed with some regret for not having stepped up.This is a scary precedent that we set. This is what is meant by “sliding”. Many of us slide through life without realizing that we are missing out on an important part of developing our own character and self-image. When we slide, we may have the advantage of complaining that we are victims of our circumstances. While this may be accurate because there are many situations that affect us which are beyond our control or influence, it is not very helpful. Victimhood is an assumption of powerlessness. On the other hand, we may possibly end up where we want to be by sheer luck. In the long run, I believe that many people who get stuck in ‘sliding’ through life at some point look up and look around them and finally ask themselves, “How the hell did I end up here?”

In contrast, people who are able to decide are at least able to look around and know with assurance that they are where they are because they chose to be there. Depending on where that is, it may not be pleasant. It may be divorced, or incarcerated, or it could be educated and empowered and self-sufficient. But along the way, I’d be willing to bet that the person who is able to “decide” at least has a powerful character trait: self-determination. I repeat, there is something mighty about the conviction that I am able to make a decision and feel assured that I can manage the consequences. If I have this ability, even if the consequences are a hard lesson, I can always make another decision to course-correct if I need to. For a ‘decider’, there are no good or bad decisions, just decisions that help or decisions that hinder. Setting and working toward goals are part of the process, but decisions are the action steps that get us to where we want to be rather than ending up someplace and wondering how we got there.

This little, silly phrase has helped me understand my poor habit, but also empowered me to take control of my outcomes, responsibility for my decisions and ultimately, feel good about myself because I am learning to trust the decision making process as I make continual course corrections.

And now, may you decide today that you want to have some say over where you end up. This decision will not only affect where you end up, but how you get there. Decide today to enjoy the journey.

Holiday Gift to yourself: Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:35:00 +0000

Seasons Greetings! I know that we all manage to do things that we regret in life. Some of us come to terms with that and move on, but a lot of us get stuck. I hope this season, you can get caught up in the practice of giving gifts and do yourself a big favor and explore the awesome power of forgiveness. Maybe someone needs it from you. Maybe you need it from someone. Perhaps that someone is you! Enjoy the following paraphrase of a therapy session in three parts. Leave comments if you found it helpful. Share it with friends! Happy Holidays!

Forgiveness, pt 1.

Client: I used to pray every day, asking for forgiveness. I mean, who does that? Who walks away from their child?
Me: Whose forgiveness were you seeking?
Client: I don’t know. God’s? I hope my daughter can forgive me.
Me: Is it okay if we explore those for a moment?
Client: I guess.
Me: Well, let’s play a game of “what if…” Suppose that your daughter actually came to you and said, “Mom, I forgive you. Truly, you have my forgiveness.” Do you suppose you would accept her forgiveness or would you still feel guilty?”
Client: I would probably still feel a little guilty.
Me: I see. So whose forgiveness do you need to accept so that you no longer bear the burden of guilt?
Client: God’s?
Me: Okay. Yeah, that is a very important aspect. God’s forgiveness. So, to continue the “what if…” game… What if God came to you and said, “Hey, good to see you! Here, I got you this gift!” I mean, it is the holidays and all right? So, God tells you that he got you this gift. How would you receive it from him? Would you accept it? “Wow, thanks so much God… but I didn’t get you anything.” He would be all, “That is okay, there is no way you could match this gift, it is just something I wanted to give you.” And a lot of the time we say in return, “No, I can’t accept it. It is too much.” And God says, “No, really, this is important. It is a gift. Take it.” and we still fight with him, “But I don’t deserve a gift from you…” Now God is starting to get exasperated, “C’mon! That is the whole point of a gift… you didn’t earn it… you couldn’t earn it. Of course you don’t deserve it. Nonetheless, it is my gift to you.” So you finally open it and it is the gift of forgiveness. You say, “God, I really don’t deserve this.” He replies, “I know. But my willingness to give it to you is not dependent on you being deserving of it. You just have to accept it. Actually, truth be told, I thought I took care of this forgiveness business a long time ago. Every time I offered it to you, you sent it back to me, unopened. Really, the part where I *offer* forgiveness was accomplished a few thousand years ago on the cross of Calvary. What we are dealing with now is your acceptance.”
Client: So, God has already offered me forgiveness even though I don’t deserve it?
Me: Yes. I believe God still wants us to make changes in our lives and live differently, live better… that is on us, but as far as offering us his forgiveness, that part has been done. So, let me ask again, whose forgiveness do you feel you need so you don’t feel guilty anymore?
Client:…. (in a small voice) I don’t know.
Me: Whether or not your daughter forgives you, you shared that you would probably still feel guilty. God is willing to forgive you, he has made that clear…. Who else do you need forgiveness from? Who is reminding you daily of your guilt? Who is still blaming you?
Client: ….. (even smaller voice) I guess I am.
Me: So… what if… you were able to offer yourself forgiveness and accept it from yourself? How would that change things?

Forgiveness pt 2

Client: I know what you are saying about forgiving myself. How do I do that? I mean, I still feel like because of what I did, I can’t be forgiven. It is not like I can go back and change things.
Me: You said that you feel like you can’t be forgiven… but we established that your daughter could forgive you and God does forgive you… What if it was as simple as that example of the gift… you just have to simply say, “Thank you” and accept it like you would a Christmas gift, or a birthday gift.
Client: I don’t think I can do that.
Me: You would find it too difficult?
Client: No, it is just that I would know what I did. I can’t go back and fix it.
Me: Yeah, that is rough. We can’t un-do what has been done. I get that.
Client: So what do I do?
Me: I wonder if you give yourself any credit for the here and now.
Client: What?
Me: I mean, I think of all the things we have worked on that are clear evidence that you are making different choices and having better outcomes. You are more responsible for your actions, more accountable for your feelings. By your own report, you are different now that you were then.
Client: I guess I am.
Me: I remember when I was in college, I had to take a language class where I learned that different words carry different tenses. For instance, in grammar, there is past tense, future progressive, simple present tense… how we use words carries a sense of timing. Blame and guilt… those are things that belong to the past. I cannot logically blame someone for something they haven’t yet done. “I’m so mad at you for what you will do next week!” It just sounds silly. Guilt is concerned with something that was done. In one sense, guilt is something that is black and white… did you do it? Did you not do it? Are you guilty? In that sense, it is easy to use the word guilt in a productive way. But the way we tend to use it is in a continuous sense… I continue to be guilty of …. Whatever I did. But the truth is that when we stop doing…. Whatever we did and we in fact are doing differently now… we sometimes inappropriately carry a continued burden of guilt when it is not helpful.
Client: So I can be guilty of having abandoned my daughter, but not still be feeling guilty? I don’t get it.
Me: I think we are conditioned by our society to not understand how guilt and forgiveness work. Guilt should be the feeling that we need to change something. If we continue to blame ourselves for stuff we did in the past, we would get stuck and never move forward. Blame and guilt are not useful for finding solutions and making progress. They are only useful for accusation and getting stuck.
Client: I sure have been stuck on this for a long time…
Me: Getting stuck is easy. Getting unstuck takes courage to change how we think and act.

Forgiveness pt. 3

Me: I hope you don’t mind me continuing the “what if…” game…
Client: No, go ahead.
Me: This may sound kind of silly, but imagine that you leave this office and go home. It is kind of late, so you may eat dinner or maybe not. You probably have stuff to do before bedtime and then you have a bedtime routine, right? Maybe you brush your teeth, read a book for a while. Get a glass of water or maybe not. At some point, you are ready for sleep. You lay down, take a few deep breaths and then you are out. Now, while you are sleeping, let’s pretend that a miracle happens. Something magical… what we have been talking about… the gift of forgiving yourself… it happens. Overnight. While you are sleeping. Now, when you wake up, you don’t know that the miracle has happened, because you were asleep. But you can tell that things are different this morning. What might you notice about yourself as you go about your morning?
Client: I would be happier. I would wake up feeling happy. I might smile instead of grumping around.
Me: You would feel happier. That is great. What else?
Client: Maybe I would have more peace. Maybe I wouldn’t be worried so much about stuff.
Me: Happiness and peace. That sounds nice. What else?
Client: I don’t know.
Me: What would your family notice about you, if this miracle happened?
Client: They would see me smile more. I would not be so stressed out and they would feel better about talking to me.
Me: They would notice those things about you and respond differently?
Client: Maybe.
Me: Would your co-workers and friends be able to tell the change?
Client: I’m sure they would. I would have more patience with customers and with co-workers.
Me: Sounds like it would be nice, this miracle.
Client: Yeah.
Me: What do you think is keeping this miracle from happening? Is there anything that would stop you from acting as if that miracle took place?
Client: I don’t know. I guess not. Just me doing it.
Me: Listen, it is Christmas time. I’d like for you to go home and get a small box and give yourself a gift this season. You can put something in the box to represent the gift, or you can leave it empty. But wrap it up and label it for you and drive your family nuts wondering what is in that small package addressed to you. What is that gift going to be?
Client: Forgiving myself.
Me: Yeah. What an awesome thing to do for yourself, and for your family. Let me know how it works out for you.
Client: Thanks.

I hate Anger Management

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 14:25:00 +0000

     One of my biggest gripes as a therapist is that 'Anger Management' is a widely accepted term to refer to a course of treatment that should more accurately be termed, 'Emotional regulation skills'. It bothers me that Anger gets a bad rap, as far as emotions go. In my experience, emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. They can be uncomfortable, in the sense that we do not enjoy the experience of feeling that emotion (sadness, depression, humiliation, fear) or they can be comfortable (peace, tranquility, happiness, joy). I try to help people understand that depending on the context, ANY emotion can either be helpful or unhelpful in that moment.
     Most of the 'Anger Management' courses I have come across do a great job at helping people manage the symptoms of uncomfortable feelings like anger. They teach you to relax, calm down, take a break, scale your feelings from 1-10, etc. The really good courses also go beyond managing symptoms and help build skills to manage the emotions themselves.
     Here is one of the first steps that I try to take with clients who are struggling with managing their emotions:

Step 1: Change how you talk about your emotions.
     I hear people say all the time: "You make me so... (insert emotional word here)" It is such a commonly heard phrase, no one stops to question the implications. If it is true that another person can MAKE us feel a certain way, that is very scary. That means that another person has tremendous power over me. On the other hand, it also frees me of the responsibility for my own emotions. In a way, when I use language like that, it frees me from being responsible. For instance, if "YOU" are making me angry, then I can't possibly NOT be angry until YOU stop making me that way. See?
    It is more accurate to understand that others can contribute to how we feel, they can do annoying things or have hateful actions toward us, but our feelings.... how we choose to feel in response to their behaviors... those are our individual responsibility to deal with.

   So when it comes to changing our language, "You make me so angry!" becomes "I am feeling angry right now." That is it. Simply own the feeling.
"You are getting on my last nerve!" becomes, "I am feeling irritable."
"You always make me feel like a loser!" becomes, "I feel like I'm worthless"
"You make me so happy!" becomes, "I feel happy when I am with you."

An interesting shift happens when we start using our words to accurately reflect what is happening. Whereas the former statements all contain an element of blame, the latter statements are blame-free. Can you hear the blame that comes with "You make me sooooo ANGRY?" It is an accusation about something YOU are doing to ME. Naturally, when someone accuses me of something, I look to defend myself. When I get into defense mode, I will eventually realize that the best defense is a good offense and I'll attack (accuse) you back... and suddenly we are stuck in a blame cycle.

When we can own our emotions and stop accusing others of MAKING us feel a certain thing, then we reduce the likelihood that they will need to go into defense mode, and our communication starts to improve.

Try it out and let me know how it works for you. Take the simple step and change how you talk about your emotions. No one can "MAKE" you feel anything. Our feelings belong to us and are our own responsibility.

-Jeff

Vacationing with Diabetes

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Mon, 03 Mar 2014 06:20:00 +0000

Having just returned from vacation, I would normally be sharing the highlights of the trip. But I'll save that for other social media. Here on the blog, I want to discuss the experience of taking Diabetes along with us on vacation.

You see, Diabetes doesn't just visit us occasionally, he barged into our lives 10 years ago and will not go away. Our vacation prep started by trying to pack and tie up loose ends, but also included shelling out big bucks to make sure we had supplies to manage the kids' diabetes while on the road: extra insulin pods, extra insulin, syringes, test strips, glucagon shots, ketone strips, juice boxes and skittles and PB crackers for lows...

Once all that was taken care of, we loaded up and started on our trip. On the second day of the trip, we hit our first bump in the road: apparently, of all the extra insulin pods (Omnipods, the brand of pump we use), we apparently had over half of them from a bad lot which kept failing. We usually change pods every three days. Planning on being gone 9 days, that means, at minimum we needed 3 pods per kid, or 6 pods. We packed 15. By day two, we had already run through four pods because they kept failing, requiring us to discard the malfunctioning pods and apply new ones.

Traveling means long stretches of inactivity while riding in the car, coupled with boredom and a lack of healthy snack foods means we typically have higher BGs when on the road. That is not usually a big deal, as we compensate for it with insulin intake and extra BG checks. However, on this trip, we were fighting blood glucose lows instead of highs. We went through lots of juice boxes and snacks and had to be extra vigilant for the first leg of our trip.


Sherly watches over the kids as they explore the Grand Canyon

After our first long day of travel, we spent day two at the Grand Canyon. It was breathtaking. It was amazing. It was a place where memories were made. Of course, diabetes wanted to make some memories, too. After being cooped up in the car, the previous day, diabetes came with us as we hiked along the South Rim. I wish we could have just enjoyed the view, but we had to stop every couple of hours and make sure the kids' BG were in range. All in all, it wasn't such a bad BG day though.

Day three at the Hoover Dam was a blast, but keeping up with supplies and keeping the kids' kits stocked was a challenge, because we were burning through juice boxes. Turns out, while Amelia, MH and I were touring the visitor's center, we got a call from our traveling companions that Ethan had left his glucometer in the car, which was parked in the parking structure. Not an insurmountable challenge, but it highlights one of our challenges. If he had left his wallet or his camera, we would have said something like, "Oh, well. You need to learn to keep up with your things, mister." But we cannot NOT go get his glucometer/controller for his pump. I want to point out that 90% of the time, both kids are very responsible with keeping up with their kits, but those 10% when they forget, it is almost always inconvenient.

We drove from Hoover Dam to Las Vegas to have dinner on the strip and got to see some amazing things, like the fountain in front of the Bellagio and costumed vendors hawking photo opportunities for "tips" (I'm sorry, but the standard tip is $5, sir...) On our hike up and down the Strip, MH had a low and we discovered that neither of them had restocked their kits with extra juice or crackers, but we managed (this will be a theme for the rest of the trip).

The next morning, we got up and made ready to travel to the end of route 66: The Santa Monica pier! But before we left, we needed to change MH's pod and... you guessed it...old pod off and two pod failures from the bad lot means three more pods unusable. We are now three days in and we've gone through half our pods. The rest of the drive to the coast was scenic as outside we saw the environment change from desert to mountain to coastal plains. We spent the rest of the day playing in the Pacific and on the pier. It was fantastic.

One of the side effects of traveling, we discovered, was the stress it adds to an already stressed out Diabetic Alert Dog. Aside from having her routine interrupted and rollercoaster BGs with the kids, she didn't eat very well and developed an upset stomach. Sherly started exhibiting signs of distress and we ended up having to take her to the vet the morning we were supposed to head to Disneyland. We ended up letting her stay at the vet the first day, but it put us a couple of hours late. Then, after only one ride, we stopped to check BG and Ethan's pod failed. And then the spare he brought with him failed. And MH didn't restock her kit from the day before so we had ZERO pods and ZERO extra supplies. So, Ethan and I left the park and went back to the house where we were staying to gear up and restock. That put us back to Disneyland at about 2pm, having only experienced the parking facility and Cars Land (in California Adventures). The rest of the day went by without a significant incident until, at the end of the day, when we were watching the Wonderful World of Color, Ethan started crying. I asked him if everything was okay and he made some nonsense reply and I immediately sat him down to check his BG: he was low. Luckily, we had supplies, so we quickly recovered and enjoyed the rest of the show.

I won't bore you with the minute by minute details of how diabetes follows us around and makes us jump through hoops, but the following pictures are typical of every couple of hours (or sooner), we would have to stop what we were doing and make sure that the kids weren't about to get sick from high BG or pass out from low BG.

After all the pod failures, we panicked a little and had the Endocrinology team at OU call in some Lantus and backup supplies to a Wal-Green's in Anaheim. We figured that at the rate we were going through pods and supplies, we had better have backup in case we ran out and had to revert to using Lantus and Novalog injections. Unfortunately, with it being the beginning of the year and our deductible not met yet, that set us back another $1,000. OUCH!

I guess the only other big event that happened was our 2nd day at Disney, we had extra supplies in Amelia's backpack and had even had Ethan repack his kit so we could use the backpack for extra supplies. At one point, Amelia and the girls all went for a special lunch with the Princesses and I was with Ethan and his best friend, Jonah Mace, and their family. Ethan said he felt low and checked his BG and he was 53. I told him to go ahead and drink a juice and we would get some lunch. At that point, we had this exchange:
Me: Okay, get a juice and some crackers in you, brother.
Ethan: Um, dad, you told me to clean out my backpack so mom could use it for supplies.
Me: Yes.
Ethan: So I did, but all of my supplies were in the backpack that mom has.
Me: You didn't restock the kit you have with you?
Ethan: No, I just have my glucometer...
Me: *sigh*

We powerwalked through the crowds, trying to get to a place to buy him a juice and some carbs. Everywhere I looked, there were long lines for the food vendors (it was lunchtime, remember) and I was worried that he was dropping and would pass out. Luckily, I was able to get into a store and buy a pretzel and some Apple juice (and two juice boxes for spares) and bring up his BG pretty fast. I couldn't help thinking that if circumstances were just a little different, I might have had to call emergency services.

MH had one instance where she felt so shaky that she sat down in a store at Disney to check her BG and one of the staff told her she couldn't sit in the middle of the aisle. MH was so low it was all she could do to scoot over to one side and continue to treat herself with fast sugars, but it upset her. Amelia spoke to the supervisor and educated them about how to approach someone who was in the midst of checking BG. She said, "The supervisor had a reasonable expectation that people should not just sit in the middle of the aisle, but when someone obviously has medical equipment out and is checking their blood sugar, a more appropriate response is to ask if she is okay, not to chastise her for sitting down. I pointed out that it would have been worse if she had passed out while standing up and hit her head on one of the kiosks and bled all over their floor. The supervisor got my point and apologized."

The return trip home was fine, with no diabetes issues. But to recap: our vacation was fantastic, but the diabetes part was a drag. Rollercoaster BG due to diet and exercise changes on the trip, pump failures and supply costs, vet expenses for our poor stressed puppy and trying to manage responsibilities with the kids restocking their kits...

I walk a line of being thankful that our diabetes is manageable (usually) and being resentful of having to manage it at great expense of our time, energy, health and finances.

Diabetes, I hope you enjoyed your time on our vacation. I wish we could take a vacation from you.

More stuff and things (pt 3)

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 19:43:00 +0000

My final installment of the 30 Things challenge (Here is the original)

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you with it first?
TELEPORTATION!!! I have given this one a lot of thought. I don't know what I would do first, but here are some things I have daydreamed about:
*jump ahead in lines at amusement parks
*rescue people from burning buildings
*Free fall skydiving without a parachute; simply teleport before crashing
*Photobomb celebrity events, can you say unannounced live cameos?
*Of course there is all the illegal stuff, like teleporting into a bank vault, or just taking whatever I want from somewhere, I mean, even if they catch me, they can't hold me..... mwhahaha!
*Create urban legends by wearing a gorilla costume and showing up in unexpected places for small periods of time

I could go on, but I gots lots to do today (I might get it all done if I could only teleport...)

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
In five years, I hope to have established myself in my career, with a balanced client load, diversified income stream and be out of personal debt. In ten years, who knows? I couldn't have imagined where I am now ten years ago, so it almost seems improper to dream that far out. I know I want to be deeper in love with Christ, with my wife, with my kids. 10 years out, my kids will be either exiting high school or in college or that transition. We will be on the brink of empty-netsting. It would be nice to have reached a point that when the kids are out of the house, Amelia and I can travel for business and pleasure. In 15 years... who knows? Maybe there'll be grandkids on the way. I had two kids already when I was in my late twenties. Maybe I'll have published a book or gone back for my Ph.D.

23. List your top five hobbies and why you love them.

Photography. I got a nice DSLR about 7 years ago and, drawing on lessons from a class I took in college, I started learning about how f-stops, shutter speed and ISO are linked. I learned a lot about taking pictures, from the asthetic side, like the rule of thirds and framing to the technical sides like depth of field and bokeh. I get to be creative and have immediate validation when I look into the viewfinder.
Reading. I love sci-fi and fantasy. Getting to lose myself in a good book is an amazing way to escape from reality for a little while and train your brain to imagine... what if?
Blogging! I enjoy the discipline of putting my thoughts together and making sense of my world and I enjoy sharing it with others.
Gaming. I enjoy a variety of gaming, from pen and paper RPGs to CCGs like Magic:TG to board games to video games. I wouldn't call myself hard core in any particular genre, but I enjoy almost all of them. Except sports games, you know, like Madden, or MLB video games or Basketball emulators ... if you want to enjoy a sport, play the actual sport.
I don't get to do it often, but I love to travel with my wife. I hope that it becomes more of a recreational thing for us in the future.

24. Describe your family dynamic from your childhood versus your family dynamic now.
     The rythym of our family life when I was a kid was dictated by the Air Force. I was born in Lubbock, TX and by the time I entered the 8th grade, I had lived in more places than many people get to visit in a lifetime! I loved being in a military family and getting to live in different countries was an adventure that I treasure. I am the 3rd of 5 children, and the only boy and when I think back on my relationship with my siblings, I feel like it was pretty typical. We cared about each other, but fussed and fought like any other sibling group. We looked after each other and teased each other and annoyed each other and stood up for each other when we weren't blaming each other for not doing chores. I remember feeling loved and supported, generally.
     Thinking about the family dynamic we have in my household now that I am the parent and not the kid, I am pretty pleased with how we do things. There is, without a doubt, love in our house. Amelia and I work mostly as a single parenting unit when it comes to values and discipline. We have a great relationship and model respect and love for each other to the kids. We do a lot of things differently in our household than either of us experienced growing up, but it is not dramatically different. It is interesting to me to contemplate giving my children the roots that I didn't have growing up... being connected to grandparents and cousins in deeper ways... not having to adjust to changing schools and houses every few years. Those differences aren't bad, just different.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
    Disclaimer: This is not a definative answer, depending on my frame of mind, I would probably give a different answer to this question on any given day. There are so many interesting figures in history and so many good foods!
     I would like to have dinner with anyone who was not a "main character" in an encounter with Jesus. Anyone whose life he touched directly, to hear a sort of Paul Harvey "The Rest of The Story" from their perspective. We'd dine on frozen desserts because, hey, they've never had FroYo.

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
     YOLO. This mentality is pervasive and allows us to behave in ways where we can minimize the consequences of our attitudes, thoughts and behaviors on our world and our relationships. IMHO, it would be better for people to understand that WALE (We all live eternally), and how we choose to live in the here and now influences how we will live eternally: in close relationship with God, the creator of our souls or eternally separated from the Eternal Loving One.

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
     My mind. The mind fascinates me. There is so much about the brain that we don't know, and so there is a lot of research coming out daily about how neuroscience is advancing our understanding of how we function and why we act/think/feel the way we do. I love knowledge and trivia and learning and intelligence and it just gives me a thrill to think that the mind/brain is connected to it all. I like puzzles and the feeling I get when I solve a puzzle or figure something out. I like learning and the way I feel about myself when I learn something new. I enjoy wit and sarcasm and humor and drama and none of it is possible without a learned brain. I love listening to other people and being exposed to new ways of thinking. I am energized and honored when others come to me for help and I am able to walk with them into new understanding and behaviors. Other than that, when I think about my appearance, what I like the most is my calves. I have shapely calves, I think.

28.   What is your love language?
     So, long ago I read the book and determined that my primary love language was Acts of Service. However, I just went to the website and took the online quiz and the results of it this time were:
a tie between Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, with Quality Time, Acts of Service and Giving Gifts coming in in that order. So... maybe things have shifted a bit for me.

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
     It has come to my attention several times in the past that I can come across to others as arrogant or condescending. This is a real blow to me because I don't see myself that way. I once tried to justify that others sometimes see me that way because I have a lot of self-confidence and because I am educated and intelligent and so my word usage can seem to be in a different vocabulary register than others'. When I was able to be more honest to myself, it was probably because I didn't take the time to get to know those people and let myself be known. I may have been seeing them as less than what they are because of my own shortcomings.

30. List 10 things for which you hope to be remembered.

A follower of Christ.
A loving and devoted Husband and Father
A great friend
A helpful counselor
A laughing soul and wit
For leaving a legacy for others to emulate
Heh... as a multi-millionaire
A memorable writer (does blogging count as writing?)
A discerning steward of resources
Touching other's lives in a positive way

Well, readers... I hope you have enjoyed my journey through this "30 Things" process. Feel free to comment or send feedback. If you choose to do it as well, link it and let me enjoy your responses!

-jeff

Stuff and things pt. 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 03:46:00 +0000

...Continuing the "30 things about yourself"

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

Pronouncing the "t" in the word "often". I know the dictionary lists both pronunciations as acceptable, but in my book, the "t" is silent, as in 'listen'
Absolute language, as in "You always do xxxxx..." or "I never get to...." Using these extremes is a linguistic way that we either set our arguments in an unassailable position or invite people to defy our interpretation, sparking conflict. The only acceptable use of them in our household is, "God always loves you, and he will never stop loving you!"
Drive-thrus. I avoid using the drive through whenever possible. Exception: Sonic, as it is a drive-up and not a drive through. Although for those Sonic franchises that have a drive through, I still use the drive up stalls.
Justifying poor adult behavior that affects kids by saying, "Kids are resilient..." It is true, they are, but that is not an excuse.
Political correctness
Butchering joke delivery
Poor theater etiquette
Bullies
Running out of battery power on various devices (iPhone, camera flash, etc)
Cashiers who can't count back change

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

Wake up, turn of alarm
Get the rest of the household up and harangue them until they are moving.
Get kids to school, self to work
See clients/do paperwork/marketing/billing
Pick kids up from school
Depending of the day of the week, I either have more clients in the evening, or I am working at the hospital as a chaplain or there is some family activity (boy scouts, ballet, chorus, school event)
Evening routine, homework, dinner, family time, bedtime
Once everyone else is in bed, I usually stay up for a few hours and blog, watch TV or work on a project.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

Procrastination. I am unfortunately very good, as I have spent years perfecting my technique in avoiding doing stuff I know I should do promptly
Gluttony. Despite being a 'deadly sin', I find myself having to exercise self control so I don't give in to my mouth's desire to enjoy a flavor, taste or texture of a delicious food item.
Technology. I am a technophile, but because I am not affluent, I will never get to be a first adopter...
Punctuality. I often run on "Emery Time", which is to say at least 5 minutes later than anything is scheduled to start.
Lack of attention to detail. I tend to be a 'big picture' thinker. Great for creativity, bad for follow-through.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

Attentiveness. As a counselor, I have cultivated my listening and empathy skills.
Optimism- I was once told that I would never truely experience or understand depression because I'm too much of an optimist and I might feel depressed, but I will never live there. I am okay with that.
I have a tendency to look for the best in people. Although I have done this naturally for years, since coming through my grad school experience, I have cultivated this tendency as it relates to creating a non-judgemental atmosphere in the therapy session.
Objectivity. Again, this is a skill that I have worked on because it allows for better reasoning and logical thinking. Being able to avoid getting caught up in emotional, irrational thinking means that I am better able to help others (and myself) live happier, more fulfilling lives.
Sense of humor. Admittedly, it is quirky and even cheesy, but it suits me and has served me well (most of the time).

15. If you were animal, what would you be and why?
     Well, my favorite animal is the penguin. There are many traits about penguins that I could mention that are endearing when applied to human circumstances.  They appear awkward on land, but are elegant and powerful in the right element (water). They are intelligent and clever in survival as well as socially.
     However, the animal I would choose to be is Peregrine Falcon. Flying and speed! Woo hoo!

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
     This is a difficutlt question to answer because it requires some qualifying criteria that are extremely subjective. I have no idea of they are my greatest accomplishments, but here are some things I am proud of:

The feedback from individuals in congregations I have served has been encouraging. I have some regrets, but overall, I think fondly of the relationships with church folk.
I am proud of the way that we have addressed the disease of Type 1 Diabetes as a family.
Finishing my Master's and completing all of the requirements to become a LMFT in Texas was arduous, but worthwhile.
An independant poll conducted in the Emery houshold has me in the top two contenders for "best parent"! Seriously, I am generally proud of my children and how we are raising them. Amelia and I are not only a great couple, I feel like we are fantastic parents.
I am proud that I have accepted myself as a work in progress. I no longer feel inadequate, but recognize that it is okay to feel how I feel and accept myself where I am, knowing that I can grow and change as needed as life goes on.

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
     I wish I could play a musical instrument. Piano or guitar or ... something more sophisticated than a recorder. Having said this, "Learn to play an instrument" is on my bucket list.

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
     I have plenty of things that I have done to hurt others that have taken a great deal of time, effort and emotional energy to get past and to forgive myself. However the hardest thing I've had to work through and forgive was my parent's divorce. I did a lot of internalizing of the whole situation and had to realign my thinking to understand that there was so much that I didn't know and could never completely understand that it was wrong to hold onto the hurt and disappointment. My anger and bitterness about it only held me back from healing and moving on and kept me from being able to have ongoing relationships with either one of my parents.

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
      I love, love, love Europe, but I am not sure I would want to live there full time. I actually like West Texas: the landscape, the weather, the climate, the culture. Of course, I also enjoy traveling, so access to a better airport and transportation would be a plus.

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

My earliest memories are all from living in Florida when I was 3-4 years old. I seem to remember going fishing with a little kid's "Peanuts" themed fishing rod, with my dad. I remember having neighbors that we played with a lot, other military families. I remember feeling it was very safe. Even after we moved to Athens, Greece, I remember doing a lot of exploring on my own. I may have been better supervised than I remember, but in all my memories, I was either with a friend or alone as I explored the neighborhoods we lived in.
I loved the experiences I had growing up in Europe. Field trips were to castles and forrests. Living on military installations meant that we could roam around the housing areas knowing that things were safe for us and I remember hanging out with friends and sleepovers and lots of fun times. The food, the culture, languages, learning about our 'host nations' at school... all of those things were exciting. From 1980 to 1987, we lived and traveled in Greece, Italy, Germany, Belgium, Holland, England and France.
My teenage years were full of adjustments as we transitioned to 1) living in Texas 2) Not moving every three years 3) normal teenage developmental stuff. School was fun and I learned a lot and made friends, but I mostly remember my summers. For the first couple of summers after we moved back to the states, I would typically ride my bike two miles from the house to the air base and spend my day at the officer's pool or the library. I was tanned and toned from biking and swimming almost every day. Then I got connected with the TTU/GTE prep program for a few summers at Texas Tech. I stunk at all things math and engineering, but I had LOTS of fun making friends and getting to feel grown up and sophisticated because it was on a college campus.

One more section to finish the 30 things challenge. Stay tuned.
-jeff

Things and stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 07:22:00 +0000

Found a list on Pinterest from a blogger who challenges us to leave interesting tidbits about ourselves for posterity. (http://cherishinghopesanddreams.blogspot.com/2012/01/30-things.html)

Here goes:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself:

I think Oreos are the perfect cookie. Not Double Stuft.
I was voted "Most flirtatious" in my senior class.
My friends and I used Tolkien's "Tengwar" runes from LOTR in 6th grade to send coded messages.
My favorite vegetable is the potato, in all it's delicious forms.
Although I'll willing suspend my disbelief about radioactive spiders bestowing super powers on unsuspecting geeks, Ghostrider's backstory just annoys me.
I am missing a clump of eyelashes on my upper right eyelid from chicken pox when I was young.
I learned to French Kiss at church camp.
My "Love Language" is Acts of Service. ( a great book, btw. Worth owning - see below for link)
Sandra Bullock is my celebrity crush.
I think I could be happy permanently traveling.
My youngest daughter's middle name is a tribute to my best friend.
On the list of things I never want to do: skydive, scuba dive, take a dive.
When asked to describe myself in one word, I like to say, "ineffable"
Teleportation is the super power I would chose, if such a choice were mine.
To stay awake while driving on long trips, I sometimes buy a lotto ticket and then daydream about how I would spend the winnings (no luck so far)
I want to someday become proficient in hypnosis, for therapeutic purposes.
One of my favorite Bible verses is Ephesians 2:10
I played the MMORPG "Everquest" off and on for about 6 years. At my most invested, I played about 25-40 hours per week.
Sometimes I miss dating. Then, I get a new couple in my office for relationship counseling and I don't anymore.
It took me over 25 minutes to come up with 20 random facts about myself.

9. 2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Inadequacy. I think deep down, most people feel inadequate at times. This became a legitimate fear for me after I was 'let go' from several ministry positions by the church leadership at various congregations, despite popular support from the congregation members.
Losing my sight or hearing. I suffer from a significant hearing loss in my left ear, and sometimes think about losing either of those senses causes me to have anxiety.
Being alone. Not loneliness. I actually enjoy downtime where I can rest and rejuvenate away from people, but being disconnected from family and community are things that I don't enjoy. When I contemplate some things that I regret and the potential fallout, this becomes a real fear (though I doubt it would ever turn out how I imagine the worst case scenarios)

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
I feel connected to both of my parents, but I feel like the connection has changed since they divorced several years ago and I am not certain how to describe it now. I love both of them and feel loved and cared for by both of them, in their own ways.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.

You know less than you think you know.
Work harder at developing better habits (punctuality, eschew procrastination)
Guard your heart better
Respect your future self enough to behave well in the present
Don't slack off so much in your senior year
Putting down roots is okay
Thank you for not engaging in smoking, drinking or drug use like so many of your peers did
Develop some financial savvy and learn what a budget is
It is okay to be a kid, don't rush into adulthood.
Good job.

5. What are the five things that make you the most happy right now?

My family (wife, kids)
My career (doing what I love)
God's grace (without it I'd be ... ugh... don't even want to think on it)
Helping others heal and grow (I get my energy from this)
Optimism about the future.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Being honest with myself about my own failings. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

7. What is your dream job and why?
I used to joke that my dream job would be "a playtester for Sony or Nintendo", but I really, really, really enjoy being a therapist. I am currently in private practice and so far, it is a good experience, overall.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

Knowing God and being known
Being the best husband/father I can be to my family
Growing in my skill and experience as a therapist to be an influence in my community
Teaching others things that help them grow and heal
Knowing stuff (trivia, minutiae)

9. List 10 people who have influenced your life and describe how.

My family of origin has obviously influenced my life in myriad ways, from my birth order to the fact that I was the only boy, to the fact that we moved a lot in the military. I remember that when I was very young (4 or 5), a house in our neighborhood burned down. Despite having a household of 7 people already, we offered our home to that family for a few days till they could work out other arrangements.
Mrs. Snelling, my 4th grade teacher. Taught me that "stuff" was a 4th grade word and helped me reengage in school.
O.W. Smith (Dub), was an elderly gentleman I knew while I was in High School. He was a member of our congregation at church and was very encouraging to me.
Many of my high school teachers were more than educators for me, but functioned as role models and encouragers: Mr. Franklin, Mrs. Bennett, Ms. French(Barber), Coach Lawrence, and many others.
Jim McKeever, my regional manager at my first out-of-college job: Enterprise Rent-a-car was a big influence on me. Specifically, he influenced me to not want to be employed by ERAC and to seek a career elsewhere. I learned a lot during my time at ERAC which I appreciate, but my negative experience with McKeever's personality wasn't part of what I appreciated.
Again, a list of many people from the churches I attended and served in ministry: Karl King, The Hoopers, The Turners, The Loomis's, The Washburns, The Longs, The Hugabooms... and many others. Sharing hearts, lives and hurts brings people together in so many ways.
My graduate school experience brought be in contact with amazing educators and mentors: Drs. Halstead, Milholland, Goff, Hinson... the adjunct supervisors and my own amazing cohort all shaped me as I grew through that experience.
My college buddies: Jay, Scott, Jeff... continue to be positive influencers though we don't get to see each other much these days.
My amazing wife, Amelia, has loved, stretched, encouraged, challenged and grounded me for the last 17 years and daily reminds me of God's lovingkindness and undeserved grace.
Likewise, my children: Mary Hannah, Ethan and Eleanor all continue to shape me daily and they teach me how to be the father God has called me to be for them.

10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
In general, I dislike any directive which asks me to qualify something as my "Most _______" because I feel differently about experiences and favorites as I grow and change. I will share a memory that no longer embarrasses me, but at the time was mortifying. Dad used to have to serve a post which required him to be away overnight on military duty. On those nights, us kids used to try and get some one-on-one time with mom. I remember answering her questions about how I was feeling about school and life and such and confessing that I was starting to grow up, getting hair under my arms and "down there". A while later, I overheard Mom sharing my confidential confession with some other grown up ladies and characterizing it as "so cute".

This challenge has 30 topics, but I've been working at it for over an hour and it is late, so I am afraid the rest will have to wait.

Cheers!
-jeff

Unstoppable

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 06:23:00 +0000

Overwhelmed. Worn out. Powerless. Sometimes we are just at the end of our rope and our only response is to shut down. I think we all have those days (weeks, months...) How awesome would it be to go from powerless and stuck to unstoppable? It is unrealistic to think that we will go from a 1 to a 10 in an eyeblink, but what if our goal was simply to build momentum? To take that first step, to start the forward motion... to build momentum. Even if it is slow at first, momentum builds up and, unless it is derailed, will eventually result in you being unstoppable. And so what if it is derailed from time to time? All it takes to start again is taking that first step. You don't go from 1 to 10, but from 1 to 2, then 3 and so on... Small successes lead to more successes and greater ones. Before long, the momentum carries you to a place that seemed unattainable when you felt overwhelmed, worn out and powerless. So what does it take to be unstoppable? The will to take the first step and get the momentum going.
And now, may you be infused with the motivation to take the first steps needed to take you from where you are to where you dream of... let the momentum build.

Everyday Miracles

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 07:37:00 +0000

It has been a while since I blogged. Let me catch you up. Since July, I have completed my (additional) licensure hours and been granted full LMFT status by the state! Yay. Also, the company I was working for renewed their contract with the state, but it included some changes that were not optimal for my situation, so I made the transition to full time private practice (www.texasfamilyinstitute.org). So, the past few months have been busy for me.

The family has been busy, too! The kids are all back in school and prospering. Amelia is also back in school and juggling all of her roles: wife, mom, student, employee, volunteer. So we are keeping busy. One area that has kept all of us busy in the last week or two has been a fundraiser for our D.A.D. (Diabetic Alert Dog). Some of our beloved church family intiated this event on our behalf and I think the original intent was to just have a garage sale and gift the proceeds toward our fundraising efforts. The reality of it turned into a more detailed level of involvement on our part.

You see, garage sales are a lot of work. As it turns out, fundraising garage sales are an order of magnitude more work. The call went out for donations for the garage sale and, boy, was it answered. Of course, this necessitated picking up some donations. Then more sale items were offered and more were dropped off and more were picked up and the next thing we knew, it was a week away and we had not one, but TWO garages (ours and my in-laws') full to overflowing of items. It was a mixed blessing, because of course, we needed items to sell, but the more we received, the more work it was to store, organize, and price them before the sale. Of the items, Amelia said, "We got a lot of items you'd expect to find a garage sale, but we also got a lot of really nice items."

With the date of the sale looming, we were a little discouraged at the amount of work required and our available time and energy. Then our friends and families rallied and stepped up and we spent hours alongside some wonderful people who helped us prepare. At about 2am on the night before the sale, we put the finishing touches on the signs for the sale and I walked the nearby streets to post them for the next morning.

The day of the sale, we expected some early aggressive garage sale-ers because of the advertising we'd done, but surprisingly, at our start time of 8am, we only had our helpers who had shown up at oh-dark-thirty to help set up. However, lots of folk came by after we opened for business and we did great business all day long. At 2pm, we started to allow haggling and sold off a lot of stuff that way and at 4pm, we shut it down.

Now, I've titled this post: Miracles, but nothing I've written so far sounds particularly miraculous, does it? The real miracle had been happening all along and I just didn't have eyes to see it until my friend Brian shared some insight with me. He mentioned that sometimes it seemed like he prayed for miracles and in his mind, he was thinking of something big and supernatural, like when we pray for a cure to a sudden illness and we pray for a specific situation and a specific outcome to our problems. But what he noticed was that God was blessing us with all the things, all the ingredients, all the relationships necessary for us to receive the financial blessing of the fundraiser. The love that prompted our church family to initiate the event started years ago. The loyalty and friendship that drove the donations and support didn't spring up overnight from nothingness. There was some seemingly random kindness in the process, but when we think about God's mysterious movements in our lives, it is easy to conclude that the miracle of this garage sale has been in the works before we knew we would need it. God's hard working hands manifested in the muscle requrired to move everything. God's comforting arms appeared in the guise of hours of help with pricing and organizing items. Our Father's feet trampled in and about our garages for eight hours on Saturday as people showed up in droves to purchase the offerings. A miracle, supernatural in its very mundane-ness.

But God has ever worked this way hasn't he? I'll never put it past God to use flashy supernatural means, but it seems he likes to work through his people. God's greatest miracle is relationship. It has been that way from the beginning. The pinacle of his creation was mankind, who was formed in God's own image, endowed with the ability to choose. God initiated a relationship and has spent all of human history chasing his beloved creation and wooing us and invited us to know Him and be known by Him.

This weekend, despite long hours and hard work, I was blessed to be able to grown in relationship with our church friends who came to help us out. I met and got to share our situation with neighbors and strangers. I got to share the joy of our fundraiser's fantastic success with the congregation who loves me and my wife and my children. Miracles all around.

And now, may you have eyes to see the blessings God has showered around you. May you have ears to hear his invitation to get to know him by knowing his church. May you receive the blessing of relationship with God through His people and come to know how much you are loved.

Family Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Sun, 15 Jul 2012 09:53:00 +0000

The Emery family just returned from a fantastic vacation in the beautiful mountains of New Mexico. Amelia's family has several cabins in Cloudcroft and we took a 1,350 mile round trip through the southeastern part of NM this week. We left on Friday, July 6th, which also happened to be our 16th anniversary. We drove to Carlsbad and made our way to Sitting Bull Falls in the Lincoln National Forrest.

Then we made our way to the cabins in Cloudcroft, where we helped Nana and Papa clean them out and prepare them for our week's habitation.

We made our way out to White Sands National Monument, south of Alamogordo and played in the dunes for a while. Ele was leaping joy!

We took advantage of our proximity to several hiking trails, exploring our bit of the mountain with the California Cousins. This trail was just around the corner in Cloudcroft and took us up to a scenic lookout where we saw the remains of the famous wooden "S Trestle".

Back at the cabins, Papa put his engineering ingenuity toward repairing/rebuilding the deck on the front cabin. Everyone pitched in and helped. By the end of the week, it was 90% finished. :)

We took a drive up the mountain to the Sunspot observatory. It is a huge telescope devoted to measuring and observing cosmic events relating to our Sun. It was way cool!

On our way back down the mountain, we stopped at a scenic overlook and took in the beauty of the Tularosa Basin. What a view!

We enjoyed all sorts of rustic cooking and camping fare, but this treat was wonderful, if a bit sticky: S'mores! Made with huge-mongous marshmallows.

We actually got to take two trips out to White Sands, our second was after the California Cousins arrived. On our second trip, in addition to playing in the dunes, sliding down and drawing in the sand, we also played with "light writing" with my camera. Below, you can see a stormcloud I drew with a flashlight.

Nene and Nana put up a hummingbird feeder and we had quite a show with several of these marvelous birds fighting for dominance and feeding rights.

On Thursday, Amelia and I decided to treat the kids and cousin Zach to a horseback trailride. It was magnificent, fun, and helped us understand what 'saddle sore' means. It was my first time to do any significant horseback riding and I loved it (maybe as much as Mary Hannah did!)

We took a second nature hike out to Bridal Veil falls, but were unlucky because part of the trail was closed and we never actually got to see the purported 45 foot falls, although we enjoyed the hike.

On the way home on Friday, we traveled north to the Three Rivers Petroglyph site and the kids tried to count the reported 21,000 individual glyphs. I think they only got up to around 500, but it was a commendable effort.

After that, we drove up to Carizozo and saw the Vally of Fire, where ancient lava vents spewed molten rock up into the basin and created a huge field of what is now cooled lava. The lava is non-porous and helps sustain a variety of desert wildlife, but is hard on shoes and will shred your footwear if you try to walk on it for long. Still, it was fun to visit.

All in all, it was a fantastic vacation where we got to see fun things, have some great experiences and make memories with family.

But the wonderful people pictured above were not the only ones who came on our vacation. We had an uninvited guest: Diabetes. I know I have talked about living with Type 1 in our family before, but during our vacation, as much as we tried to just enjoy a normal time, we had to make accommodations for our implacable foe. On Sunday, Ethan went low in the morning while we were at church in Cloudcroft. Over the course of the day, he had to check his BG 20 times and was low 17 of them. We were constantly trying to stuff sugars in him and it got so bad that we almost had to use his glucagon shot. The nearest medical facility was down the mountain 16 miles away (the trip takes 30-40 minutes because of the steep grade to get down the mountain). We had to call the emergency pager system from our Pediatric Endocrinology team at OU children's medical center. They were a big help and at about 4 am on Monday morning, we finally were able to rest and get back to 'normal'. I remember when we were packing for our trip, a friend who was visiting commented to Amelia when she was packing the first couple bags about getting everything packed up. Amelia told her that the first few bags were just the medical supplies we have to take. With two Type 1 Diabetics, we had to have supplies for the entire week, as well as backups for everything. Extra insulin pods for their pumps, extra Novalog, extra Lantus, extra syringes, extra juice boxes, extra sugar treats, extra alcohol wipes, extra test strips, extra ketone sticks... extra everything. Enough for two kids for one week. We don't get a break, even on vacation. Most of the week, the kids' BG were okay, but everything we did required extra vigilance on our part... hiking? Check BG before we leave, restock juice and skittles in case we have a low due to more exertion. White sands? Great fun, but we have to interrupt every so often and check to make sure we're in range. I don't know whether it was the extra exertion or the altitude or what factors contributed, but it seemed that the kids were either too high or going low whenever we checked them. I'm not complaining so much as explaining. As you can see from the pictures above, we don't let it stop us, but it sure does slow us down. Cousin Zach was sleeping in our cabin, but on Sunday night, when Ethan was fighting his lows and feeling pretty emotional (due to his BG and the situation), Zach got so freaked out at the scene, he ended up sleeping in another cabin because it scared him to see his cousin Ethan screaming and crying about hating diabetes and not wanting to have to get a shot of glucagon or have to do injections because we took his pump off him while he was going low, to try and bring his BG back up. I can't help thinking that if we had our D.A.D already, it would have tipped us off to the lows and helped us combat them before they got critical and sent us on a roller-coaster ride of BGs that lasted almost 20 hours. We continue to hope and pray for a cure so that maybe someday, our family vacation will not include that dastardly diabetes.

-jeff

XVI

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 05:57:00 +0000

Sixteen is a special number to me. My birthday is on the 16th of November and I remember thinking that turning 16 on the 16th was pretty cool. Lots of cool stuff happens when you turn 16, what with the whole getting to drive thing that happens, if you plan things right. I got a job right after my 16th birthday, too... working at the Wolfforth, TX Dairy Queen. Looking back, and adding my considerable experience working as a counselor to many 16 year olds, I would like to note that 16 looks very different depending on whether you are looking toward it, or back on it. What my 16 year old self DID'T know would fill libraries. Of course, I'll probably feel that way about my 35 year old self at some point in the future, but that is the subject of another blog.

The subject of this blog is 16. 16 years of marriage, to be specific. According to Wikipedia, the proper gift is something made of Bronze. I think it is interesting to note that the proper gift for the 90th wedding anniversary is STONE, probably headstones.

Yes, Amelia and I have been married for 16 years today! Yay us! I remember not very long ago, I was completing a pre-marital counseling session with a youngish couple and I came home that evening and saw that my father in law, Robert, was at our house. I asked him, "What were you thinking?!?" We were only 19 and 21, Jeff and Amelia, respectively and I can't fathom 19 year olds being ready for marriage. Yet somehow, we have persevered. Traditional martial research looks at two axis of data: longevity and satisfaction. That is, it is possible to be married for a long time and to be very satisfied and happy. However, the data shows that many people end up being married for a long time (longevity), but aren't very happy (satisfaction). I knew a guy who used to joke about his marriage: "I've been married 12 fantastic years! Out of twenty... that ain't bad!"

In 16 years, we've lived in:
Abilene (apartment)
Coleman (Garage apartment)
Abilene (house sitting)
Plainview (Duplex)
Plainview (bought a house)
Enid (Rent house for a week)
Enid (Rent house for 1.5 years)
Enid (Traded to another rent house for 1.5 years)
Abilene (In-law's house for 4 years)
Abilene (renting)

In 16 years, we've traveled together:
Texas, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Tennessee, Colorado, Germany, Holland, Italy, England, Austria.

In 16 years together, we've laughed, we've loved, we've disagreed, we've struggled, we have faced adversity and we have lived with diabetes. We like to talk to each other, we like to be together. We like to have our own space and fill up each other's space. I've shot her and she's scrapped me. I can remember not being married, but I can't imagine not being married to her.

In 16 years, we've learned a lot about each other, but we have also each changed. We've grown up. Our children have taught us what it means to be parents. They are the best gifts we have given to each other and they give us so much each day. Our children have helped us (and continue to) grow up.

In 16 years, I'd like to be blogging (or whatever the trend is) about my new favorite number: 32.

Amelia,
Happy 16th, baby. You complete me and make me want to be a better man. To be esteemed by you is enough to carry me through each day. I love you more today than I did yesterday and I'll say the same tomorrow. Thank you for being my friend, my partner, my love, my life. Thank you for our children and for your example to them. Being a family with you means more to me than anything and I love you.

Contentment

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Sat, 19 May 2012 06:24:00 +0000

A friend directed me toward another blog that spoke about contentment and it spurred some thoughts. The blog is a neat one that I have seen before: ZenHabits. It was interesting to read, from the author's perspective, what has brought him contentment in his life. One thought that jumped out at me was, "Instead, learn to be content with the person you love, just as they are. This isn’t always easy, as we are usually trained (by our well-intentioned but never-satisfied parents, and others around us) to do just the opposite — to try to change people" This caught my attention, because I have noted, in many therapy sessions, that one contributing factor to client's issues is unresolved issues from their family of origin. In other words, I've seen plenty of adults and teens struggle with their self-worth because they felt like what they did was never good enough for their parents... or believing that it was their responsibility to make someone else happy... or trying to manage another person's feelings because they didn't want to be a disappointment to that other person... or.... you get the picture.

It made me ask myself if, as a parent, I encourage my children to embrace the changes that are happening to them naturally as they grow and develop while pushing and stretching them enough to help them learn to balance being content with who they are and trying to improve and better themselves.

I thought to myself, 'I'll work on trying to encourage my kids to acknowledge the changes that come their way every day; their body and brain development, school events and issues... etc and be accepting of who they are on the inside, which doesn't change.' But that isn't true, is it? Everything about us, inside and out, changes every day. Every moment, really... but we aren't attuned to changes at that level. The reality is that just as our outer self changes, so does our inner self. Personality, core beliefs, values... they are all subject to change. I am not the same person I was several years ago.

So I am left with one of life's great mysteries: how do we walk the fine line of acknowledging and accepting personal change while reconciling accepting ourselves as we are and finding contentment?

THEN, my thoughts turned spiritual and I reflected that my journey with God has been one of constant change. God loves me as I am, but is not content with keeping me as I am. Instead, He works daily on shaping me and molding me and sometimes dragging me kicking and yelling to be more like Jesus. It made me think that maybe contentedness, like happiness, is not a goal but a by product of godliness. I thought of 1 Timothy 5:6, which says, "...godliness with contentment is great gain." The passage there is referring more to money and possessions, but I think also speaks to our general sense of self-worth.

So, here is a letter of encouragement:

Dear child,
I have loved you since before you were born. Your arrival in my life marks a time of great joy for me. I delight in you every day as I watch you and love you. I want you to know that I understand that your life journey is going to include times of difficulty and struggle, but your struggling with difficult events, situations and people does not diminish my love for you. In fact, a person's ability to adapt and change should be encouraged. Different situations will call for different responses and thinking that there is only one way to do something will only lead to frustration when that 'one way' does not generate the results you want. As a loving parent, so often, I just want to tell you how to do things my way... the way that seems right to me, from my perspective. Truthfully, I've figured out a lot of situations and I wish that sometimes you would ask me for help, but I want to respect your ability to learn and grow for yourself, so I try to guide you in less intrusive ways. I believe that a good parent should spend a lot of time teaching and guiding, and I've tried... but sometimes our viewpoints have clashed and you don't see things my way... at first. As you grow and develop, I know that one area you'll have to figure out is how to be your own person while remaining connected to your first identity, which was as a member of a family.
I hope you'll be able to love how you look, knowing that beauty is more than just your body's appearance.
I hope you'll be able to be confident that you are worth having as a friend and not take others' inability to see it bring you down.
I hope you'll learn sooner, rather than later, that it is okay to want a thing but when you convince yourself that you need a thing, that 'need' gains power over you.
I hope that you will strive for godliness and, in doing so, will come to discover that happiness and contentment will follow when you seek to deepen your relationship with me.

love eternally,
your Heavenly Father.

The Blame Game: there is no winner

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 06:31:00 +0000

So often it is the case that when a person feels the emotion ANGER and exhibits angry behaviors (aggression, yelling, blaming), what is really happening is that they are experiencing some other uncomfortable emotion (by this, I mean a feeling that they do not enjoy having such as embarrassment, fear, shame, guilt, hurt, abandonment, etc). Being unable to handle the uncomfortable feeling, a person is likely to COVER IT UP by choosing to feel ANGRY. Anger is much easier to handle and usually results in distracting from the real emotion by escalating a situation to where it is necessary to address the angry behavior and the uncomfortable feeling can be overlooked by others OR allowing the individual to feel more powerful and capable by bullying others with angry behaviors so that others don't hold the individual accountable.

When I teach ANGER MANAGEMENT classes, one of the points I stress is that when a person is emotionally competent, he/she can verbalize and deal with uncomfortable emotions without using ANGER to cover up his/her real feelings.

Unfortunately, we are so accustomed to blaming others or situations for our angry feelings, it is difficult for people to see the truth: we are each responsible for our own feelings and behaviors.

I want to focus the rest of this post on one aspect of the ANGER issue: BLAME. Blame is especially toxic because it pulls participants in and traps them, preventing healing or recovery.

The BLAME CYCLE:

Person A chooses to feel hurt, but being unable to express/deal with it -leading to- Person A tells Person B, "You hurt me." (a blaming statement)

Person B, not at all wanting to be responsible for Person A's feelings, gets defensive and either denies complicity or chooses to be angry and responds with angry behavior, thereby justifying Person A's feelings. Either way, Person B, through words or actions, exhibits blame back on Person A.

One other possible outcome is that Person B has weak ego strength and accepts blame, but far from being able to handle it, wallows in self pity, which is equally unhelpful.

Neither outcome invites Person B (or Person A for that matter) to accept responsibility and change the outcome. Rather, BLAME invites Defensiveness which escalates to ANGER and feeds into more BLAME.

So, how do you get out of the BLAME CYCLE? It is straightforward, but difficult.
1) Accept your own complicity / collusion in the cycle and resolve to do something different.
2) Get rid of blaming language and behavior
3) Only state how you are feeling about a situation without commenting on the other's motives or beliefs. Don't be a mind reader. You don't KNOW what someone else is thinking or feeling.
4) Recognize that it is a process that takes time to re-program a communication pattern.
5) Learn to recognize the underlying emotions behind your anger and learn to express your feelings without blaming.

Here is a sample of a session with an adolescent who is hurt because his/her father did not follow through on a promise to attend an event. Note that the Youth has been pre-trained by experience and society to fall back on Blaming behavior to explain what he/she is feeling.

Youth: Here is something we can talk about: I'm mad at my father.
Therapist: You feel anger toward your father?
Youth: Yes, he promised to come to my event, which I told him about a month ago and he said he would come. Yesterday, he told me that he couldn't come, and it is tomorrow.
Therapist: You feel like he is breaking a promise to you.
Youth: Yeah. He's done it before, but I know he could come if he wanted to. I mean, he is the manager and when I've been visiting with him, he sometimes takes off in the afternoons when he wants to.
Therapist: It has been my experience that when people think that they are angry about something, that there is usually a deeper emotion underneath that anger. What feeling word or words would you say are behind the anger?
Youth: I don't know. Sad. Mad.
Therapist: How about... hurt?
Youth: Yeah! It hurts that he doesn't want to see me. Dads should want to come and be proud of their kids and stuff.
Therapist: It hurts because...
Youth: Because... because it feels like other things are more important to him than I am.
Therapist: You feel devalued.
Youth: Yeah.

**At this point, the therapist has helped the Youth to identify and express the underlying emotion that is covered up by being angry. Now, the therapist will coach the Youth on how to express it in a healthy way**

Therapist: I think it is good that you are able to express how you are really feeling. Some people just get angry and do hurtful things, like punch walls and say ugly things that they can't take back. What do you think would be a good way to share how you feel with your Dad?
Youth: I don't think I could say any of that stuff to him. Maybe I could write him a letter and tell him that I'm disappointed that he lied to me about coming to my event.
Therapist: If you were a parent and you got a letter from your child like that, how would you feel?
Youth: ... bad, I guess, but he should feel bad for lying to me.
Therapist: I don't disagree with you, but I have found that if we can share our feelings without blaming others for them, the other person is more likely to respond without getting angry back at us.
Youth: What do you mean? I don't get it.
Therapist: I think it is a good idea to express how you are feeling, but think about this, if you are basically going to tell him, "I'm mad at you because you lied to me", do you think he is more likely or less likely to try and defend himself and come up with some excuse for his behavior?
Youth: More likely
Therapist: Okay, so I've usually experienced that when someone gets defensive, the best defense is a good offense and they usually get angry back. So, I'm just saying that if we can stick to talking about how YOU feel, instead of blaming him for making you feel that way, he is less likely to get defensive about it and remain open to hearing what you have to say.
Youth: Okay. How do I say it then?
Therapist: How about something like: "I was excited when you told me you could come to my event and I was disappointed when I found out that you weren't going to be able to make it. Part of me feels like if you really wanted to, you would find a way to make it. I know you are busy, but when you chose other things before me, it feels like I am less important to you. I would like to feel like I am important to you."
Youth: But isn't that still blaming him?
Therapist: I know it sounds similar, but by only stating the situation and how YOU feel about it, you lessen the chance that he will get defensive and by using gracious language like, "I know you are busy" and "it feels like" instead of accusing him of doing something to purposely hurt you, it doesn't make him responsible for how you are feeling. Stating what you want from him allows him to accept responsibility for his actions and choose to start behaving differently.

***********
Now, I know that it is highly possible and even probable that the Youth's father will feel bad or ashamed or even guilty and that he will not respond to the Youth's invitation to step up and behave differently. That would be unfortunate, but it would not be because the Youth didn't do her best. Of course relationships are complex and it helps if both parties are interested in becoming emotionally healthy individuals. The bottom line is that when even when it is justified, BLAME doesn't help. It only encourages defensiveness and reciprocal anger. Note also, that BLAMING is different from helping a person to accept responsibility. They sound like the same thing, but they carry different connotations.

Feedback? Questions? email or comment!

-jeff

Listen and learn

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 06:00:00 +0000

There is an old saying, "God gave us two ears and only one mouth so that we will listen twice as much as we talk." I don't know who originally came up with that, but in my experience, it is good advice.

I frequently get to observe the communication process between individuals in a relationship and I am almost always intrigued to discover what their interactions reveal about their relationship. It doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship is, marriage partners, parent-child, friend, boss-employee... all behavior is communication and it is very revealing if you know what to look for.

When a relationship is in conflict, research indicates that having conflict itself is not an indicator of the health of the relationship, but how each individual conducts themselves in the midst of conflict is a strong predictor of the stability and health of the relationship. People who have a high positive regard for each other tend to be able to have conflict and still like each other because they aren't cruel to each other during the conflict. They can disagree without being disagreeable.

Too often, the communication patterns I witness are locked in a pattern where the same arguments are made over and over and the conversation never goes anywhere, except to reinforce the hurt that each individual feels. I try to coach individuals who are stuck in a situation where there is no traction that they need to spend less attention on what is being said and more attention listening to how it is being said.

Being attentive to the emotions of the other person is a miracle communication tool. When a person feels like they are being heard and understood, they feel valued. Conversely, when in an argument and we are more focused on making sure that the other person sees how right our viewpoint is... it is easy for the other person to feel less valued because they don't feel heard or understood.

Daughter: I feel like I have to always walk on eggshells at home because I never know how Mom is going to react.

Mom: She says that I overreact and don't talk to her for weeks, but she ignores the fact that I still do her laundry, I still cook for her, I still work to pay the bills for her computer and her cell phone.  How is that ignoring her?  I give her plenty of opportunities for her to come and talk, but she is always walking away.

In the above snippet, the daughter is expressing how she feels, putting the mom on the defensive. Because Mom is more attuned to her hurt feelings, she is unable to acknowledge and validate her daughter's viewpoint. To be fair, the daughter is doing the same thing (thus the traction-less cycle they are in), but I don't expect the child to be more capable than the adult of being able to control her emotions, it is something I try to teach the parent before I work on the child. So, I challenge the mom: "Right now, don't focus on whether you agree or disagree with what your daughter is saying, just try to reflect what you think she is feeling. You may not agree with her, but right now it is more important that she feels that you understand her." I ask the daughter to restate her last statement

Daughter: Sometimes it feels like no matter what I say or do, you overreact.  I feel like I can't tell you anything because nothing is ever good enough for you.

Mom: (bristling) What do you want me to say to that?  She is just attacking me again!

Jeff: What do you think she is feeling?

Mom: (sighing) She feels like she can't talk to me because I overreact.

Jeff: That is what is happening.  What do you think she might be feeling?

Mom: I don't know?  Hurt?  Frustrated?  Lonely?

Jeff: Okay, how about asking her if she feels those things because of the situation...

Mom: (thinking about the phrasing...) Okay... so... You feel hurt because when you tell me stuff, I blow it out of proportion.  I can see how that could be frustrating.

Daughter: Yeah, it is.  I mean, I used to be able to talk to you about lots of stuff, but lately it seems like you are just looking for something to yell at me about.

And the mom is stunned that her daughter hasn't completely shut down again. The previous exchange shows how reflecting a person's feelings can help to break the blame and defensiveness cycle and gain some traction in the conversation. It allows the conversation to move forward.

It sounds pretty easy, but in practice it is a difficult thing to do, to ignore the gut reaction to respond and tell the person why they are wrong. Instead, if we can push that instinct back and instead, try to reflect what the other person is feeling, it breaks the cycle of devaluing language and behavior and invites the other person to feel like they are being heard and understood, giving the communication process traction to move forward.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

-jeff

A little consideration, please...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 08:33:00 +0000

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
Doug Larson

I spend a good deal of my professional time interacting with parents and their teens. One issue that has popped up recently is the struggle between parents and teens: Teens say they want more independence, freedom and to be seen as adults and parents say that they want their kids to show responsibility, respect and evidence that they can handle more independence.

From the parents' perspective, all the signs are evident that the kid just isn't ready:

Comes home late - check

Spends more time with friends than with family - check

Refuses to open up to parents about details of the day - check

Most often heard words include: whatever, fine!, just leave me alone, ...but I....

Says they will help out more around the house, but needs constant nagging/supervision. - check

From the teen's perspective, all the signs are there to show the world that they are ready to be adults:

Holding down a job AND a decent GPA at school - check

Picks up his/her own room without being told - check

Has a checking/savings account - check

Pays for own cell phone - check

The complaint I hear coming from parents usually has something to do with what I call parental anxiety. Parental anxiety is activated when our children display their lack of consideration for their families (especially their parents). For instance, the teen is supposed to be either at school, at work, or home at specified times. When the teen fails to show up, or check in, or even text, parental anxiety is activated. Parental thinking may include any one of (or mixture of) the following:

*I'm worried... my child could be hurt or in danger

*I'm annoyed... this is just the latest example of a lack of respect for my time and abusing the privilege of having a car/job

*My child is too lazy/inconsiderate/disrespectful to follow the rules and call

*My child ALWAYS does this... he/she knows it will make me upset and he/she is doing it on purpose.

Many parents have valid and legitimate issues with their teen... it is rude and inconsiderate. If it is an ongoing problem that has been addressed before, it may be seen as disrespectful even. However, it is helpful to keep in mind that if a parent approaches their teen with that perspective, they will invite defensiveness, possible withdrawal and even angry behavior in return. Even when they are accurate and justifiable, blaming attitudes rarely help resolve issues.

It may be helpful for parents to remember that, as adults, we have had years to learn to be considerate of others. It probably started for us in our late teens or early twenties... the romantic relationships that were so important that we had to start taking into account what the other person liked and disliked. In those exclusive relationships, we suddenly had to learn to take another person's preferences into account when planning our weekends. You remember that phase of courtship, right? Our sense of being considerate of another only got stronger when we actually married someone... now there was another human being who has emotional, social and legal claim to our time and attention and property. We either learned to be more considerate or had lousy relationships. When our kids came along, now there was another human being who depended on us thinking about their needs juxtaposed to our own needs... and the 'being considerate of others' training goes on as we grow...

Teenagers, on the other hand, are developmentally predisposed to be selfish and lack consideration. After all, they haven't had 14-18 years of learning to take the thoughts and feelings of others into account. The prime directive for teens is to differentiate and individualize and yet somehow remain connected to their family of origin. They face enormous social pressure to be both unique and conformed. They walk a fine line of being responsible and yet impulsive.

The bottom line is that being considerate of others is a skill that is underdeveloped in most teens and if parents will work at helping them develop the skill instead of chastising them for not already having a 30-40 year old's sense of consideration, both parties would be happier and emotionally healthier.

Cheers!

-Jeff

Transcript from Licensing Board Meeting in Jan 2012

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 07:36:00 +0000

I promised it a while back, but have just now gotten around to typing up the audio file from my appeal to the licensing standards committee of the Texas State Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapists in January.

I spent a good part of this afternoon trying to decipher the letter I was sent detailing what I have to resubmit and how many hours I have yet to accumulate. I had in my mind that the board had essentially said they would accept half of the hours that they had originally declined from my non-profit agency job. If that was the case, by my reckoning, I would only have to finish 514 hours, which, by my estimate, I would finish by March! Woo hoo!

...
...

Then I sat down and transcribed the audio file of the actual recording of the meeting and that is NOT what was decided by the committee. Instead of counting all the hours I'd accumulated from September 2011 through Dec 2011 and adding them to HALF of the hours they'd denied.... the actual ruling was that from Jan 13th on, I would have to get ANOTHER 1000 hours... 500 of which have to be direct clinical hours and 250 of those have to be hours to couples and families.

The practical difference between my recollection of the event and the actual recording of what happens amounts to about 3 months or more of my life before I can upgrade my license. *sigh* Instead of being able to finish and upgrade in March, I will be lucky to finish by the end of May or June.

Just yesterday, I learned that another friend from the MFT program at ACU found herself in the same pickle with the board. They denied her 2000 hours (presumably half of those are direct clinical hours and the rest are paperwork and such). Learning about her situation incensed me again about the whole situation.

They board has blatantly admitted that the rule about submitting paperwork for additional sites was unclear, as evidenced by the fact that THEY HAVE CLARIFIED THE RULE and changed the form to include a HUGE paragraph in BOLD print explaining it. And yet, if a licensee doesn't submit the correct form, it is somehow the licensee's fault and apparently, we deserve to be punished. The board doesn't say that the hours accumulated that are not board-approved are somehow invalid. In fact, by accepting a portion of my 'uncontracted' hours, they are essentially admitting that they are perfectly valid and that it is within the purview of the board to approve and accept them if they were so inclined. Instead, the board feels that it must force the licensee to admit that they 'had a lack of clarity about the rules.'

Anyhow, here is a copy of the transcript in .PDF form if you want to download it. I obtained it using the open records law and received a CD with the entire 1.5 hour session on it, but only transcribed the portion pertaining to my appeal. : CLICK HERE

For others who would rather just read it here, scroll on.

Transcript from my portion of the Licensing Standards Committee meeting on 1-13-12.

Carol Miller, Executive Officer from the Licensing office, Sandra DeSobe presiding. Beverly Womack, Sean Stokes, George Francis attending.

(about 10:32 from the start of the recording)

Sandra: Next we will hear from Jeff Emery. And there is a little more information available here…

Carol: There is. We have received three emails of support for approval of Mr. Emery’s appeal. (distributes copies of the email to committee members)

Jeff: I also printed some… I wanted to make sure they had some… if you need extras…There are several that weren’t emailed, but were handed to me…

(sounds of papers being handed out and looked over)

George: If you don’t mind, I’ll take a copy of those, please.

Jeff: Sure.

George: Thank you, sir.

Jeff: Anybody else?

(long pause while committee members ostensibly read over the support letters)

Sandra: Are there any questions from committee members for Mr. Emery?

(pause, with no questions)

Carol: Okay, I just wanted to be sure everyone had time to read. Um… Mr. Emery is an LMFT-Associate. He gained LMFT-A status on 9-17 of 2009. He submitted an application for LMFT upgrade to licensure which was received by the board office on 9-20-11. But the application was denied because Mr. Emery did not meet minimum requirements for supervised experience under a board-approved plan. Mr. Emery had previously been approved to begin supervision at Texas Family Institute with John McLen on 9-17-09 for part-time work. Mr. Emery has credit for supervision and supervised experience at this location for the time period submitted. Um.. and for a specified number of hours. According to the Licensed Supervision Experience Verification Form submitted with the application for upgrade, Mr. Emery also, apparently practiced with the same supervisor at New Horizons Ranch and Center with a start date of 12-1 of 09. And that was for the number of hours that were there on the form… um… these hours at New Horizons Ranch and Center were denied by staff. Mr. Emery says in his appeal letter that he had, quote “missed a step two years ago and all of the hours at the agency are being denied” unquote, and requests that you count the hours at New Horizons Ranch and Center towards fulfilling the requirements for licensure as an LMFT. He has submitted new Supervisory Agreement Forms to work at both locations with a board approved start date of 9-17-11 for New Horizons and 10-16-11 for Texas Family Institute. He listed the Texas Administrative code for requirements related to .. um.. ah.. submission of… um… Supervisory (indistinct word ) to the board… at 801402(?) and 801202. And that is the information.

Sandra: …To clarify, Mr. Emery, You filed a supervisory agreement form with your first supervisor…

Jeff: With my only supervisor, yes, ma’am.

Sandra: So he supervised your work at both sites.

Jeff: Yes. The step that was missed was when I started a month later at New Horizons, um, they didn’t have an LMFT supervisor there and I asked John (Rusty), if he would agree to do both and he said that was fine. And because it was with the same supervisor, it didn’t click that I needed to do a new Supervisory Agreement. But both locations were aware that the hours I was getting at New Horizons were being supervised by Rusty. They gave me time off for professional development so I could attend supervision.

Sandra: And are you still working there?

Jeff: Yes, Ma’am. I am still currently employed there.

George: And that was my question, Mr. Emery. So, you knew to file for the Supervisory… for the first position…

Jeff: Yes, sir.

George: … But not for the second one?

Jeff: Well, um, when I filed for the upgrade, and I was filling out the paperwork, in the upgrade packet, it has the verification of supervisory experience where you list every location that you have provided services at. And I did, because that is where I knew I’d provided services at two locations. But on the original Supervisory Agreement Form, there is a spot for the licensee, where you’ll be providing services and the supervisor. And so there wasn’t anything intuitive there that said, “hey, if you’re going to have it at another location…” to fill out another one for the SAME supervisor. And that…

George: For another location or for another position, because this was another position, correct?

Jeff: Yeah. Um.. ah… That was the step that I missed … that because I was utilizing the same supervisor, I didn’t understand that I needed a new Supervisory Agreement. I didn’t realize that it was per location…

George: So you thought that it was tied to supervisor and not to job? Or to job AND supervisor?

Jeff: Well, it seemed to be pretty conclusive that if there was going to be a new supervisor, that I would need a new supervisory agreement. And I did have friends in my cohort that were getting hours at different locations where a supervisor was provided, so if there is a new supervisor, it would make sense that you would need a new supervisory agreement. But intuitively, because I was using the same supervisor, it didn’t click that I would need a new supervisory agreement.

George: Ah, thank you.

(long pause)

Sandra: Any other questions for Mr. Emery?

Womack: Did you file for a new supervisory agreement in a different location now?

Jeff: Yes! Yeah, as soon as I discovered from the board that that was the step that I missed, they recommended that I go ahead and extend my LMFT-A, which I did. I filed it as soon as possible for that, and managed to get all the forms signed to get that sent in. Which has allowed me to continue practicing at both locations and gain hours and I counted up through my billing at both locations that I’ve garnered almost another 200 hours since then. But I have continued, as recommended by the staff.

Sandra: Okay, so how many hours are you gonna be short? Of the face to face time?

Jeff: Lacking all of the New Horizons hours?

Sandra: Yes.

Jeff: 2410.

Sandra: That’s not face to face time…

Jeff: I’m sorry… the face to face time… um…

Sandra: Counting the hours you have accumulated since September… when you discovered this… problem. That would give you what you need? If you accumulated about 700 more hours? Is that correct?

Carol: What is currently approved is 730 practice hours, 365 of which were direct clinical and of those 156 were to couples and families. So there ….

Sandra: But that was before… September?

Carol: Correct.

Sandra: So… we’ve got that. So far.

Carol: So, of 3000, he has 730. Of the 1500 that have to be direct clinical he has 365. And of the 750 that have to be to couples and families, he has 156.

Sandra: Now, can you give us that run down of hours that you’ve completed since September? How many total hours have you accumulated since September? Clock hours?

Jeff: Um… as of September.. face to face clock hours?

Sandra: Not Face to face… total.

Jeff: Um… I only kept track of the face to face hours.

Sandra: Okay, so how many face to face hours have you accumulated since September?

Jeff: Um… Through my December billing, not counting January, 199 face to face hours.

Sandra: And how many of those are for couples and families?

Jeff: Well, I’d have to … I … didn’t delineate those when I was counting them up.

Sandra: (long pause while she does math on a scratch paper) So you are about 936 just to pick a number… ah… hours short of what you need to get your license. (pause) But we don’t know that for sure because we don’t know how many are client, couple and family hours.

Jeff: Ah… the work that I do at New Horizons… I provide prevention counseling for at risk families. Part of our program is that we have to meet with primary caregivers as well as the target youth, so a lot of the hours I get at New Horizons are, ah… count as family hours.

Sandra: Yes. I can see that. Okay.

Beverly: And you are a full time employee there now, yes?

Jeff: Yes.

Sandra: And about how many clients are you seeing a week?

Jeff: I generally carry a caseload of 15-20 clients a month at New Horizons…

Sandra: A month? Or a week?

Jeff: Oh, well, on my caseload, it rotates out. On a weekly basis, I generally meet with about 14-15 hours.

Sandra: So you’re not really going to have any trouble at all accumulating the ah… non face to face hours.

Jeff: As far as paperwork and …

Sandra: Right.

Jeff: That’s not a problem at all.

Sandra: No one really has trouble accumulating that! Well, Mr. Emery. This may be your lucky day. Not as lucky as you think, but I’m going to make a recommendation that because we have had this problem and this precedent, the board has taken action to correct this so it will not be a problem in the future, that we will accept part of those hours that were done without the contract. And, so, committee… He’s about a third of the way there. If we accept another third from the uncontracted and let him get one more third accumulated under supervision… Essentially cut his mistake in half…

George: Is that a motion?

Beverly: But can we do that? Because everyone is going to be saying that we’ve got to waiver the plan.

Sean: Well, we *have*.

Carol: We … have inconsistently … waived or not waived

Jeff: Um… before a motion is made I just wanted to offer some information, or at least a perspective…

Sandra: Yeah. (clears throat) Dig yourself a grave here….

Jeff: Well, I hope I won’t be digging a grave… necessarily. I appreciate the policies and procedures that are in place and I understand that this is not a … I’ve very diligently tried not to strike a tone that I’m deserving in some way because I know that I missed a step on this and that any action taken by the board is an action of grace. And I do appreciate all the consideration you’ve given it. However, I’ve talked to several of my colleagues and I’ve heard that this is something that has come up in the past… one of my cohort actually told me that she had the same problem when she applied, but in her case it was a secondary site and she said it was about 100 hours and she said “I was upset about it and I cried about it and then I just earned the hours back again.” But in this case, it represents about two years of accumulating hours. In that time, in addition to the work that I’ve done with New Horizons, a non-profit agency, and TFI, doing private counseling there, I’ve had the opportunity to be a part of the community and utilize my talents and services in ways that have benefited the community. I serve on several coalitions… one of them provides training for child care providers so that they can continue to provide that service to our community. Another one works with Teen Drug prevention and we offer a support group for teens who are involved in drug or alcohol abuse. And I understand that any motion that’s made or decision that is made that extends the time that I will remain an associate in some was impacts not only my professional development but also the ability to further any opportunities to help the community. So… I can see this as a win-win, since it is in the purview of the committee to accept all the hours or some portion of them, obviously it would be personally beneficial to me but I think also, in addition to professionally, I think it would be good for our community. And since the board has already taken action to make sure that it doesn’t happen for future folks, ….

George: Mr. Emery, what were you looking for?

Jeff: Um… as I mentioned , I was looking for some grace.

George: I’m just asking, what are you looking for from the board?

Jeff: Best case scenario? Since it was something that was on the last agenda and it has been handled before, I was hoping that it would be something like, “Hey, we’ve already fixed it. We’re sorry that it has caused some confusion for you….” Next level down, I was looking for: “We’ll take the hours you’ve accumulated over the past three months and say that that is the number of hours you needed to get, so we’ll call it even since you have…. like I said, I’ve tried to be compliant with everything the board staff have asked me to do as far as extending things and continuing to work on those hours…. BUT, I was prepared that if there was a need to go ahead and continue to get some hours, that that is something I would go ahead and have to do. Because I love what I do. I’m intending to pursue this and this is what I want to be my career… so… whatever it takes in order to make it happen is what I’m going to do. In order, that was kind of my preference of how I’d like to see this happen.

Sandra: I’m suggesting that we split the difference. And because we are acknowledging that we had some problems with a lack of clarity about our form, we would like for you to acknowledge that you had a lack of clarity about the rules. And part of our job here, in protecting the public is making sure our… our therapists are competent. And one of the ways we evaluate that is whether or not they can follow the rules … and… (crackling of a food wrapper near the mic) . I am chairing this committee, so can someone make that motion?

George: I make the motion that we split the difference and go for one third of the hours that still need to be accumulated by Mr. Emery.

Sandra: So, what would mean is that you would still have 500 hours. Face to face hours to show to the committee. Do I have a second?

Sean: I second.

Sandra: Any discussion? Yes, George?

George: Is that consistent with our … inconsistencies previously? (laughter)

Carol: It has been an evolving process. In the beginning, all were denied, that have done this. But then this is consistent in that it is partial credit. And that is consistent …

Sandra: That is a precedent that this committee set in July of last year. So… we’re kind of stuck with that right now.

George: I’m comfortable with it.

Sandra: Okay. All in favor?

George, Sean and Beverly: Aye.

Sandra: So… keep practicing. (more crackling from food wrappings obscure the sound)

Jeff: So, 500 beyond the three months I’ve already done… the 200 I’ve already gathered?

Sandra: Starting from now.

Jeff: Starting from now… about 500. And when it gets to that point as far as…. do I just submit for upgrade again? As I’ve done, or…

Carol: Your application, um…yeah, I don’t think that it is going to be realistic for you… the application will expire 9/20 of 2012. So I don’t think it is going to be realistic to get those hours…

Jeff: I think it is.

Sandra: Yep. He’s gotten 200 in the last three months.

Carol: Yeah. Oh. So. I’ll send you a letter outlining the details, okay?

Jeff: Thank you very much.

(ending at about 30:12 from the beginning of the recording

I know everything I need to succeed in life...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeffrey Emery) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:24:00 +0000

Occasionally, I run across family systems that are heartbreaking. Consider the following: my client: a middle-school aged kid. His mom requested I work with him because of his behavior at home and at school. Seems that all he wanted to do was play his Xbox. He is very smart and schoolwork holds no interest for him, so he sometimes refuses to go to school. His mom says that he often throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He is close to neither parent and his siblings are old enough that he may as well be an only child.
Using open ended questions, I discovered that he considers himself to be decently happy and content with himself, but has few friends. Asking about the presenting issue as described by his mom, he admitted that he is spoiled. I asked him to finish the following statement, "The most important thing in life is..." his answer: to not be bored. Though he is not a child of the 1990's, my brain sparked and connected to the grunge band, Nirvana and their hit, "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Part of the chorus pleads, "here we are now, entertain us!", helping the song to be hailed as the anthem of an apathetic generation who only wanted to be entertained. As I continued to dialog with the kid, I learned that he described his relationship with both his mother and father as distant and faint. Developmentally, it is my understanding that most children find their identity and sense of self through their connection with their family. At his age, he should be starting to develop his identity apart from his family, but it seems like his family identity was never really formed, as he feels no attachment or connection, only entitlement. Trying again to get a sense of his value system, I asked him to evaluate the following quote: "Show me the person you emulate and I shall know by this measure, better than any other, who you are yourself." The young man was quick to analyze the sentence and reflected to me that he understood its meaning. But when I followed up with, "So, who do you admire? Who in your life is someone that you can see yourself growing up to be?" He thought for a few minutes and then shrugged and said, "No one, really. I think I know everything I need to succeed in life."
At first, I had to stifle an urge to laugh at the seemingly preposterous statement I'd heard. My bemusement quickly turned to pity when I realized that far from being cocky or feeling entitled, this young man's problem was not a character flaw in himself, but a failure in his family system. I felt sad for him because his parents don't know enough to challenge him or help him have a healthy sense of self.
I have come to understand, as I work with various families, that kids' behaviors and beliefs are generally a response to their environment. So, as I am presented with a kid whose troubled behavior or attitude is labeled by their parent as the presenting issue, I am always careful to examine the family system and try to work with the parent to depathologize the kid and help the parent to accept some responsibility for the resulting behavior which they say they don't want.
Anyhow, I am saddened because my role in working with this boy is limited and in order to really address the core issues, the needed work is with the family system, something that is unlikely to happen. I think the best I can hope for in this situation is relationship triage, not relationship repair (as it relates to helping this young man to have a healthy connection to his family).

The situation invites me to reflect on my own family functioning. How would my children be affected if I viewed their behavior as a function of their response to the environment that I create for them in our home? Now, I don't want to take absolute responsibility for their actions, but do I really recognize and honor the influence I have on my children, or do I discount it? If I have generally happy children, how am I influencing their happiness? If I have generally anxious children, how is our home environment encouraging them to be anxious? If my children are generally angry and hateful, what kind of environment am I providing for them?

Nietzsche wrote, "When you look into the Abyss, the Abyss looks into you," reminding me that I do not remain unaffected by the families that I encounter in treatment. Even as I hope to influence them, I recognize that I am influenced in return. Hopefully, I will embrace the opposite philosophy that my young friend espoused and will find freedom to grow by knowing that far from having everything I need to succeed in life, I recognize that I know nothing. And that is the beginning of wisdom.