Penguin Thoughts

I know everything I need to succeed in life...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 06:24:00 +0000

Occasionally, I run across family systems that are heartbreaking. Consider the following: my client: a middle-school aged kid. His mom requested I work with him because of his behavior at home and at school. Seems that all he wanted to do was play his Xbox. He is very smart and schoolwork holds no interest for him, so he sometimes refuses to go to school. His mom says that he often throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He is close to neither parent and his siblings are old enough that he may as well be an only child.
Using open ended questions, I discovered that he considers himself to be decently happy and content with himself, but has few friends. Asking about the presenting issue as described by his mom, he admitted that he is spoiled. I asked him to finish the following statement, "The most important thing in life is..." his answer: to not be bored. Though he is not a child of the 1990's, my brain sparked and connected to the grunge band, Nirvana and their hit, "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Part of the chorus pleads, "here we are now, entertain us!", helping the song to be hailed as the anthem of an apathetic generation who only wanted to be entertained. As I continued to dialog with the kid, I learned that he described his relationship with both his mother and father as distant and faint. Developmentally, it is my understanding that most children find their identity and sense of self through their connection with their family. At his age, he should be starting to develop his identity apart from his family, but it seems like his family identity was never really formed, as he feels no attachment or connection, only entitlement. Trying again to get a sense of his value system, I asked him to evaluate the following quote: "Show me the person you emulate and I shall know by this measure, better than any other, who you are yourself." The young man was quick to analyze the sentence and reflected to me that he understood its meaning. But when I followed up with, "So, who do you admire? Who in your life is someone that you can see yourself growing up to be?" He thought for a few minutes and then shrugged and said, "No one, really. I think I know everything I need to succeed in life."
At first, I had to stifle an urge to laugh at the seemingly preposterous statement I'd heard. My bemusement quickly turned to pity when I realized that far from being cocky or feeling entitled, this young man's problem was not a character flaw in himself, but a failure in his family system. I felt sad for him because his parents don't know enough to challenge him or help him have a healthy sense of self.
I have come to understand, as I work with various families, that kids' behaviors and beliefs are generally a response to their environment. So, as I am presented with a kid whose troubled behavior or attitude is labeled by their parent as the presenting issue, I am always careful to examine the family system and try to work with the parent to depathologize the kid and help the parent to accept some responsibility for the resulting behavior which they say they don't want.
Anyhow, I am saddened because my role in working with this boy is limited and in order to really address the core issues, the needed work is with the family system, something that is unlikely to happen. I think the best I can hope for in this situation is relationship triage, not relationship repair (as it relates to helping this young man to have a healthy connection to his family).

The situation invites me to reflect on my own family functioning. How would my children be affected if I viewed their behavior as a function of their response to the environment that I create for them in our home? Now, I don't want to take absolute responsibility for their actions, but do I really recognize and honor the influence I have on my children, or do I discount it? If I have generally happy children, how am I influencing their happiness? If I have generally anxious children, how is our home environment encouraging them to be anxious? If my children are generally angry and hateful, what kind of environment am I providing for them?

Nietzsche wrote, "When you look into the Abyss, the Abyss looks into you," reminding me that I do not remain unaffected by the families that I encounter in treatment. Even as I hope to influence them, I recognize that I am influenced in return. Hopefully, I will embrace the opposite philosophy that my young friend espoused and will find freedom to grow by knowing that far from having everything I need to succeed in life, I recognize that I know nothing. And that is the beginning of wisdom.

Obstacles, Barriers and Hoops to Jump Through: Bureaucracy at work

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:59:00 +0000

I started on my journey to become a therapist several years ago, when I decided to go back to school and get my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy. Just getting a degree isn't the end of the process, though. Once one has one's diploma in hand, one must obtain a license from the state to practice as a therapist. Licensing and regulation are as old as government and serve to protect the public from any old person labeling themselves a therapist and setting up shop. However, whenever you have government regulating things, you will inevitably experience red tape and bureaucracy. Here is a narrative of my troubles so far: Jeff's Licensing Journey.

So, I requested to have my situation brought before the Licensing Standards Committee of the Texas State Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapy and was added to the agenda for the meeting on Friday, January 13th, 2012. The outcome of the meeting was that the Committee is requiring me to accrue an additional 700 hours of client contact before I can be awarded my license. That is the short story. If you want to know details and my opinion of the situation, read on.

Here are the facts to keep in mind:
1) The critical step that I missed was that the Board requires a Supervisory Agreement Form (Form III) to be on file and approved by the board for each location that a LMFT-A will be providing services. I had one on file for my hours at TFI, but not for New Horizons.
2) Over the past year or so, the Licensing Standards Committee has had so many LMFT-As appear before them for a waiver of that rule, they have changed the wording of the rule to be more clear and added a block of text on the FORM III at the top of the form, in all caps and in bold, so it can't be missed. See a copy of the revised form HERE. Here is the previous form, for comparison: HERE.

The problem is that the rule that was violated was unclear in the first place, as evidenced by the fact that so many people have missed it and by the fact that the board apparently felt the need to change it for clarity. Here is the wording of the rule as it appears in the Texas Code:
Texas Administrative Code, Title 22, Part 35, Chapter 801, Subchapter G, Rule 801.142(D) “Supervision must be conducted under a supervision contract, which must be submitted to the board on the official form within 60 days of the initiation of supervision. The supervision contract submitted to the board must be approved by the board. Fees charged by a supervisor during the course of supervision, which occurred without a board-approved supervision contract in place and subsequently resulted in the supervised experience hours of the supervisee being denied by the board solely on the basis that there was no board approved supervision contract in place within 60 days of the initiation of supervision, must be reimbursed to the supervisee.”

So, according to this rule, I had to have a supervision contract in place within 60 days of the initiation of supervision. Check! I did that. I submitted the official form (Form III) and happily started seeing clients on a part-time basis at Texas Family Institute. The form (Form III), has a spot for the licensee information (that is me) and where services will be provided (TFI). Then it has a spot for the supervisor's information and the supervision schedule. Then, it has spots for a notary to sign off and volia! You are done! Now, I will grant that the inclusion of a line on the form asking where services will be provided does indicate that the information is important to the board. However, there is nothing explicit on the form that indicates that if you provide services at a second location, it would necessitate filling out a new form. On the other hand, if you have a second supervisor, it makes logical sense that you would need an additional supervisory form on file. In fact, there are other rules that state a supervisee can only have two supervisors at any given time in the process. So, not only is it a logical thought process, but there are multiple rules that discuss how to handle having multiple supervisors, but none that specify what to do if you have more than one location that is being supervised by only one supervisor, as was my case.
A month after I started working at TFI, I was hired by another non-profit organization where my job would allow me to accrue hours toward my license, but they had no LMFT supervisor available, so I asked my original supervisor if he would supervise those hours as well. He agreed to do so and my new job allowed me to take time each week to attend supervision sessions with him.

So, did I fail to turn in a form that was required by the board? Yes. Was I at fault for my negligence? Well, kind of... you see if I was the only one who misunderstood, then it would stand to reason that it was my own lack of diligence or intelligence that was at fault. However, by the board's own admission, this rule is unclear and confusing to people in my situation. So they changed the rule. They changed the form. And it is at this point that I feel that the Supervisory Committee handled my appeal poorly.

When time came to address my appeal, the Executive Director informed the board of my situation, gave them time to look over my narrative (linked above) and some support letters from colleagues who knew my situation. The members of the committee asked a few questions for clarification. There was some discussion between the committee members wherein they acknowledged that my case was not the first time they had heard about this situation. They mentioned that each time, the details were examined and that the board had made some inconsistent rulings about other's cases and they joked about needing to be consistent in their inconsistency. Then the chair called for someone to motion that they look at the how many hours I still had remaining that weren't approved and that they split the difference with me, accepting half of them and requiring me to make up half of them. I interrupted and asked if I might speak and give further details. The chairperson sat back in her chair and said, "Okay... dig yourself a grave." That comment was offensive to me, as it indicated to me that her mind was already made up and that whatever I was about to say would only serve to damage my appeal. I spoke for a few moments about my perspective on the situation and acknowledged that the decision was in their hands, but also the power to grant my hours, all of them. I noted my service to the community, the fact that the rule was unclear, that my supervisor knew he was supervising the hours and that I had complied with everything else that was required of me, including renewing my LMFT-A for the three months between my denial of hours and the chance to appeal. After I spoke, the chairperson picked up where she left off, as if nothing in my statement held merit and again requested a motion for splitting the difference of my remaining hours. The chairperson looked at me and said that the board was willing to admit that the wording of the rule was unclear, but that I had to admit that I'd done something wrong by not filing the paperwork. So essentially, the committee was asking me to admit that I had deliberately not filed a paper that I didn't know I was supposed to file because by their own admission, it was unclear and confusing. This seemed to make sense to her and when I protested that it was unclear, she told me that it was my responsibility to make sure I knew everything I needed to know to file things correctly. She said it was the Board's responsibility to protect the public from incompetent therapists. Again, I was offended by her suggestion that because I didn't file a form that was required because I didn't know I needed to because the rule was unclear and confusing in the first place... that somehow made me an incompetent therapist. I was nonplussed and didn't reply. The chairperson pressed forward and put pencil to paper with the numbers for the hours I had documented previously and had been accepted and calculated how many remained and told me that I would need to complete 700 hours more of face to face hours and then re-submit my application for upgrade. Another committee member made a motion to that effect, it was voted on and I was done.

As I drove home, during my 4 hours on the road, I was able to mull over what had happened. I feel that although I did have a chance to appeal the staff decision, that my appeal was not really considered. I feel that due to all the previous cases they'd seen, the mindset of the committee was that I needed to be held responsible for the crime of not filing a form and that I somehow should have known I needed to file it despite it being unclear and confusing, given my circumstance. I further feel that the mindset of the committee was driven by the chair, as the only other committee member to ask any questions about my situation was the public member, a MBA, who had never been through the licensure process himself. The rest of the committee seemed to follow the chairperson's lead.

With just a little effort, I can think of several outcomes that would have been much better for the committee and for myself and my community.
1) Acknowledge that there is a situation where the wording is unclear and in those cases, simply require the licensee to fill out the form, have their supervisor sign it and have it notarized and applied retroactively. After all, if the purpose of a board-approved supervisor is to monitor the supervisee in the first place and ultimately, it is the supervisor who signs off on everything anyhow, why make this more complicated than it has to be?
2) If the board felt that there needed to be some accountability on my part for not filing the form, they could have required me to continue in supervision for a set period, a fine, the denial of some of my hours ( a reasonable amount, not all of them) In fact, because I'd renewed my LMFT-A while waiting for my appeal, they could have accepted the 200+ hours I'd accumulated in the meantime and counted that as recompense for not filing the 2nd Form III.
3) As the committee repeated bemoaned the fact that there were so many licensees who were coming before them with this problem, they could have granted my appeal and then enlisted my help in informing others who had not yet completed their hours to contact the board and rectify the potential problem before it had to turn into an appeal. After all, I am in contact with my cohort and other licensees who are in a similar position. I have anecdotal evidence of several others who have experienced a denial of hours, to different degrees, because of the same set of circumstances.

At any rate, I feel that the mindset of the committee led to this appeal being handled unprofessionally, and, according to their own comments and my anecdotal evidence, it was handled inconsistently. The end result is not just a faceless licensee having to do a few more hours toward a license. The end result of this appeal has numerous consequences for me, my family, my community and the practice of MFT in the state of Texas. Consider these consequences:
1) My career is delayed for 5-7 months (or more) while I continue to strive toward these hours. I am having to work several jobs at pay scales below my education level as a result of only being provisionally licensed. I can't get on insurance panels with a LMFT-A. I have to be fully licensed. So, in the mean time, I can only accept private-pay clients. Current economic conditions notwithstanding, most folk can't afford $80/session and so I am forced to accept low-paying clients. I don't mind helping with that, but it is hard to feed my family and pay off my school loans when I can't charge a reasonable rate for my services.
2) Clients who have state insurance can't utilize my services because I can't accept their insurance.
3) The non-profits, and coalitions that I serve who may have benefited from my credentials are also forced to wait until the hours are completed.
4) As other students and provisionally licensed people hear about how the board handles situations like this, it can influence them to seek other avenues of licensure. I know of several in my cohort from school who opted to get LPCs instead of LMFTs because of difficulties in obtaining a MFT license. How can our profession continue to advance itself in the state if those who are trained in Systems Thinking and MFT modalities opt to practice under LPCs and LCDCs and Social Work instead of working toward MFT credentialing?

So, while I am primarily disappointed because of the effect on me, my family and my practice, I recognize that the implications go beyond me. 700 hours represents approximately 5-7 months for me and in the mean time, opportunities that require a full license, which I have already earned, pass me by. I have already spent three months waiting, so in effect, a year of my life, livelihood and career are gone due to a confusing, unclear rule and the hard-heartedness of a panel of MFTs.

-Jeff

Rituals

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 06:31:00 +0000

My favorite Christmas gift this year was not found at Best Buy. Several days before Christmas, I was told that my presence at Nana's house would not be appreciated. Apparently the kids were hard at work painting and preparing the letters for a present they wanted me to have. It was a simple block of wood, painted matte black with letters that spelled out a simple message: "I love you... more". Like most precious gifts, the value to me is not in the price of the wood, or the effort that went into mounting the letters. Rather, the gift is in the symbolism.

"More" is the name of a song by Matthew West. It is part of a ritual I have with my kids. We often exchange the endearment, "Love you!" when taking leave of each other and it grew into a kind of send off every morning when I drop them off at school:
Me: Bye, kids. Learn a lot today! I love you!
Ethan: I love you, too!
MH: I love you, more!
Ele: ... than the sun...
Me: ... and the stars...
MH: ... That I taught how to shine...
Ethan: ... you are mine, and you SHINE for me, too!

and on and on till we've sung out the chorus to each other. So, this present they made for me is more than just a cute remembrance. It is evidence to me that I have succeeded in impacting my children with a ritual. This will be a "my dad used to say this to me all the time" kind of thing for the rest of their lives. When they hear the song on the radio, they'll think of this connection and know they are loved.

Rituals are important for families. For some, sitting down to a family meal is a ritual that binds them together. Vacations, road trips, traditions, they can all be sorts of rituals. I think of the sacred rituals that connect us at church: the singing, the prayers, the sharing of the Lord's supper. Our congregation has a ritual where we close each worship service by singing, "Doxology".

Parents, if you don't have some sort of "I love you" ritual with your children, I urge you to develop one. They help to deepen our children's sense of attachment and belonging to family and are part of a healthy way to build emotional safety in the family. A child's sense of self-worth and identity are formed, in large part, by the relationships from their family of origin. I can't think of a better gift that we can bestow upon our children than a deep and long lasting sense of being loved and cared for. Maybe, it'll mean so much to them, they'll make a plaque to commemorate it. >grin<

-I love you, dear reader... more.

-jeff

My Christmas Wish

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 19:22:00 +0000

One Christmas tradition is to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Some travel to a shopping mall or event to see a 'Santa', some write letters and send them to the 'North Pole'. I figured blogging my list was a legitimate as either of those options. So, here goes:

Dear Santa,
I would like for the people who love and care about me to know how much I value them and care for them. I'd like for the important people in my life to know that they hold a place in my heart and mind. I would like to be able so demonstrate this to each of them this year either in word or deed.

For my family, I would like to give them the gift of my time and presence, both physical and emotional. Too often, I feel pulled by the obligations I have made that I neglect the desire to become the husband and father I want to be.

For my friends, I would like to give them support and camaraderie we shared in days gone by. I know that we have all grown and changed and have various claims on our time, but I'd like to be able to stay connected in a more direct fashion.

For my clients and the families I serve, I would like to be able to give them my best efforts in helping to uncover their own strengths and remarkable qualities. I would like insight to help them to get 'unstuck' and moving toward their goals and dreams again. I would like the compassion to comfort their hurts and help them heal themselves and their relationships.

Finally, I would like to have the mindset that I need to have to see all of these gifts through a lens of trying to bring glory to God in my life. I would like to be ever mindful of the fact that I want these things not only for myself, but because I believe that the people in my life matter to God and he is using me to reach them and draw them nearer to himself.

I know people sometimes add in "peace on earth" and the "goodwill toward men" as afterthoughts to their Christmas wish list... so I'll add to my list something that is just as likely: I'd also like an iPhone4s. Just sayin'

Merry Christmas, Santa!

Thoughts on becoming self aware

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 07:09:00 +0000

Today is my 35th birthday. I've been contemplating the implications and wanted to share some of the thoughts that have been bouncing around inside my head. They all seem to come back to the idea of knowing myself... so here is a collection of the ideas:

The Matrix (1999) depicted the main character, Neo, as a man who had been trapped inside a virtual world his entire life, never knowing that his 'reality' was just a computer generated world. When he got out of the Matrix and into the real world, he learned that nothing was as it seemed, not even himself. By technological means, his mind is able to interact with the Matrix and he learns that he has a 'mental image' of himself, or a way of thinking about himself that affects how he looks and behaves. It is called his 'residual self image', a kind of sub-conscious way of thinking about one's self. In my mind, I'm about 19 years old and 180 lbs. I've got drive and stamina and the world is my oyster. In reality, I can't do what a 19 year old can do... I've managed to find an extra 80 lbs or so and my get up and go got up and went.

Orson Scott Card's 'Speaker for the Dead' (1986) introduces a profession, a sort of Eulogist. The role of a Speaker for the Dead is to research the life of the deceased and then speak about it. The speech is not to persuade, but rather to reveal, without bias, the person. The Speaker tries to describe the life of the person as that person tried to live it, the good and the bad, the sterling moments and the flaws. The deceased will hopefully have the honor of being seen in the entirety of who he/she was, a person. In addition to being a key theme in the Ender Series of books, this ability to see past a person's actions and see the person themselves is appealing to me. I don't know if I'm honest enough to see all of my flaws, but I like to think that I am open enough to be able to accept them when they are revealed to me. Not to be comfortable with having those flaws, but comfortable enough to own them and be able to work on them to be a healthier person.

In the Eragon Series, the structure of the magic that binds the universe together is such that names of things have power. This is a common enough theme in fantasy fiction, but Paolini utilizes a deeper structure, giving each item in his universe a 'true name'. Knowing a thing's 'true name' is a form of power over that thing. Knowing a person's 'true name' gives the knower power over that person. Knowing one's own 'true name' gives one a special understanding or insight into one's self. In 'Inheritance' (2011), Eragon is forced to examine himself so he can discover his 'true name' and, in doing so, learns that at least for sentient beings, a 'true name' is both defining and empowering because it is not permanent. As a person grows, develops and changes, so does one's 'true name' because it is a reflection of the person. It is the sum of what a person is: the good, the bad and the ugly. I recall that in a moment of insight in my mid-twenties, I admitted that I was perpetually fearful that someone would look at me and point out that I had no clue what I was doing in ministry and would call me on it. Every Sunday was shooting from the hip, every interaction was relying on my talent and education to make it look like I was confident that I had a plan. I didn't always feel that way, of course, but it was an honest feeling. It wasn't until I hit about 30 that I felt like I finally entered adulthood, that I belonged among capable, responsible adults. In reading about the 'true name' idea, I wonder what mine would look like if I was able to really see myself as a person and not try to be what I thought others expected me to be.

In psychology, therapists sometimes work to help an individual gain insight into their thought process and how they learned to see themselves a certain way. Frequently, I'll ask someone who has come to me for counseling how they see themselves... if they like who they are. Frequently, I'll receive a reply that no, they don't like who they are. Some are just unhappy with themselves. Some hate themselves. Some think of themselves as undeserving of love or friendship. Interestingly enough, many of these same people are able to have compassion on others, to be gracious to others' failings or flaws and be forgiving to those who have harmed them while at the same time, not be able to be gracious to themselves or see themselves as being worthy of forgiveness. And so part of the therapeutic journey to healing is learning to see one's self as a person. No more and no less.

Biblically, I believe that God has a lot to say about how I think about myself. My self-awareness begins and ends with my God-awareness. It seems to me that God said I was a lot like him. Made in his image, in fact. So, I am a relational being, designed to be in relationship, to crave it and thrive in it. In Christ, I am given an even deeper way to identify with my creator. Turns out, I've done a crummy job of staying in relationship with God because of my sin. Through Christ, I am able to have my sins forgiven and washed away so I can be restored to relationship! Actually, I am brought in closer relationship with God. Not only his creation, now I am his beloved child! What a way to re-write my identity and ground it in relational language! As a human parent, I have a small taste of what it means to love a child. But not only a child, I am part of God's family as the bride of Christ. Being married, I know the intimate relationship of a spouse. What a way to re-write my identity and ground it in relational language! Every time I turn around, God is revealing to me how much he values me. Adopted child! Beloved friend! I am bombarded with valuing terminology by which God reshapes me, day by day. My limited ways of thinking of myself are shattered by the powerful evidence that God sees me, accepts me and refines me for his purposes.

I pray that my 'residual self image' is a projection of how God sees me: a broken vessel, refined by his grace to be used in his service. My hope is that if anyone researches my life, they will be able to use it as a testimony of God's redemptive power for his beloved creation. If ever I learn my true name, it will be the new name that I'm promised when God is done with me (Rev 2:17). At 35, I hope I can remember that I'm not just a human being. I am a human becoming. It is a process.

-jeff

You wanna fight about it?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 05:54:00 +0000

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
-Sun Tzu

I need some help understanding a way of thinking that I run across weekly as I work with teens and their parents. My supervisor once told me that people's knee-jerk reaction to emotional stress most often is either: avoidance or aggression. I seem to be accumulating anecdotal evidence to verify this claim. I am an avoidance person, mostly.

I, personally, recall only one time where I decided to try aggression. I was about 11, I think, and I got my tail handed to me. Luckily the kid I tried to fight decided I wasn't worth getting in trouble for and let me go. So, I really don't understand the whole aggression stance. I've worked with many teens who tell me about the fights they've gotten into and, from my perspective, they were all avoidable. Usually, the cause of the fight has something to do with the teen feeling disrespected or hurt in some way. However, their worldview has validated that physical fighting solves problems and so they don't ever develop other resources or options. To them, fighting the other person is THE way to solve their problem. Except that it is not... because there is always another fight about (whatever), so the problem isn't ever really solved.

It seems that Hollywood glamorizes and validates this worldview. I think about movies like Rocky and The Karate Kid, to name a few (and date myself). Sure, they discourage out and out street fights, but even with the structure of Boxing or Karate Tournaments, the message is still: beat up the other guy and you'll have respect.

Talking to a kid about his fighting, I tried to help him think through the consequences of his worldview.
Me: So, let's say you felt like some guy was talking smack about you... how would you handle it?
Him: I don't let people talk about me like that!
Me: Yes, I know... we're just pretending right now.
Him: I'd let him know he'd better stop. (an attempt to preserve his self-image as tough and fearless)
Me: Or else...
Him: I'd whoop his @$$!
Me: Okay. So let's say that you fight him and teach him the lesson. But... he's just like you and doesn't want people to think he is a wuss. What might he do in return?
Him: Probably get his homies and try to jump me. But it wouldn't be a fair fight (there seems to be a misguided attempt to believe in some sort of honor code among tough guy teens) and even if he beats me, people will know he's a chump because he couldn't take me one on one.
Me: Let's pretend that even in a two-on-one scenario, you manage to beat both of them. If he still feels wronged, what might he do?
Him: I don't know, use a knife or something like that.
Me: So, if he used a knife on you, what would you do?
Him: I would make sure my homeboys got my back. It'd be on!
(I draw a quick flow chart noting the escalation of the argument)
Me: So... when does this scenario end, if it keeps escalating?
Him: With someone dead, I guess. But it wouldn't be me...

So, I have a meeting with his dad...
Me: So, in talking with your son, I noted that he seems to have a way of thinking about solving his problems that gets him into a position where he thinks the only way out is to fight with someone else. I'm trying to challenge that thinking and plant some seeds that there are other options.
Dad: Yeah, I know. I mean, I try to help him with that, too. I guess he learned it from me. I mean, he has seen me fight before when I was drunk. I mean, I don't always fight, but sometimes.
Me: Well, I wanted to let you know so you could give him support and talk with him about looking at other options.
Dad: Well, yeah. But sometimes, you know, you have to fight it out. I mean, if you try and the other guy won't back down...
Me: I'm not advocating that he doesn't need to defend himself if someone attacks him, but I think that you're hitting on the mentality he's demonstrated. It is one thing to say that when faced with the choice of defending yourself or letting yourself get beat up, you shouldn't fight. I'm talking about making choices BEFORE you get to the point that some guy is angry enough to fight with you. For instance, choosing to drink to drunkedness is a good way to put yourself in a situation where you might be forced to defend yourself against an angry drunk. But if you make the choice NOT to drink, or hang around with people who get drunk and fight, you are less likely to have to fight.
Dad: Well, sure. I try to make sure that he makes good choices and support him. One time, this boy and his whole family came to the house and wanted to fight my son. Their kid was bigger then my son, so I told him it was his choice to fight or not. I knew my son could fight well, though, because I taught him some good boxing, so he started to fight anyhow. By the time the cops showed up, he'd got in some good hits. The cops stopped the fight and was all asking everyone questions. One cop said, "The next person to say a word, except to me, is going to jail!" Well, this guy from the other family was all flipping me off and stuff so I cussed at him and I ended up getting arrested. Anyhow, I try to tell my son, that you'll never know how things are going to turn out. Him and that other boy are pretty good friends now, so I told him he should find out other ways to solve problems than fighting. Because, if they'd hurt each other somehow, they wouldn't be able to be friends now.
Me: ...
Dad: But also, I get you. I stopped drinking because I know it is bad for me. The last time I drank was this weekend. (It was a Thursday and he'd missed a session with his son on Tuesday because he was hungover - according to his son, anyhow)

I understand that I am not going to change a person's worldview in a short period of time, but I am still astounded from time to time. So, I looked up some stats on teen fighting:
(source: http://www.keepschoolssafe.org/students/fighting.htm)

A survey asked teens to identify the causes of fights they'd seen:

Someone insulted someone else or treated them disrespectfully (54 percent).
There was an ongoing feud or disagreement (44 percent).
Someone was hit, pushed, shoved, or bumped (42 percent).
Someone spread rumors or said things about someone else (40 percent).
Someone could not control his or her anger (39 percent).
Other people were watching or encouraging the fight (34 percent).
Someone who likes to fight a lot was involved (26 percent).
Someone didn't want to look like a loser (21 percent).
There was an argument over a boyfriend or girlfriend (19 percent).
Someone wanted to keep a reputation or get a name (17 percent).

These assumptions fit with my anecdotal evidence and go to reinforce that worldview of "might makes right".
Further, the website mentions:

Teens who are frequently involved in fights often don't know how to control their anger and prevent or avoid conflicts. They often believe that fighting is the only acceptable solution.

For example, students who fight at school are much less likely than other students to believe that it is effective to apologize or avoid or walk away from someone who wants to fight. They are also more likely to believe their families would want them to hit back if someone hit them first.¹⁷

Students who have trouble controlling their anger or who are predisposed toward fighting (agreeing with statements such as, "If I am challenged, I am going to fight," or "Avoiding fights is a sign of weakness") are at least 50 percent more likely to get in fights.¹⁸

^{Anyhow, there are all sorts of ways to think about this sociological phenomenon. I'm just curious, dear reader, what is your worldview or how would you go about convincing someone who has this worldview to adjust their way of thinking?}

^{"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called Children of God" Matthew 5:9}

Discipline, Correction and Punishment

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 18:25:00 +0000

In my line of work, I often work with families who are experiencing some disruption in their household functioning. I get called in to assess and help them develop their strengths and resources so they can self-correct. When the issues revolve around the relationship between the parent(s) and the child(ren), we often have to discuss their parenting skills and philosophy.

Parenting philosophy? Who ever sits down and thinks through what their philosophy of parenting is going to be? We just kind of "do" parenting, right? With few exceptions, people mostly learn how to be a parent because of their "starter kid" (kid #1). We go to birthing classes to make sure we can survive the trauma of childbirth, but no parent comes through the process of child-rearing unchanged.

So, most families I work with have never considered their parenting philosophy. Particularly, the model used for discipline in a family is usually either 1) I know how I was raised and it seemed to work pretty well OR 2) I will never do (insert parenting action) to my child! Either way, the main approach to parenting seems to be reactionary rather than proactive.

Now, I know that the dictionary definitions will list the following words as synonyms, but I believe that they have distinct connotations (that is, we have other thoughts and feelings that are attached to our usage of these words beyond what the dictionary says). The words are: Discipline, Correction and Punishment. I often hear people use the words interchangeably, as having the same, or similar meanings. This is because their usage reflects their mentality about their parenting philosophy, ie it is reactionary. It means, I primarily respond to how my children are feelings and behaving rather than being proactive and teaching them how to behave and feel.

Here is the distinction I make between those concepts:
Discipline: Comes from the Latin root discere, which means to learn (we get the word discern from it) and from the Latin word disciplus, which means pupil. So, someone who disciplines (the parent) is someone who teaches. This word, properly used, then should have a positive connotation. Teaching and learning are associated with growth and development and strength.
Correction: This concept has to do with setting thing right (also from the Latin, corrigere, from which we also get the word corrigible: the ability of something to be changed, reformed or improved). From a systems perspective, it can mean "to reverse a trend or pattern". Again, this has a very positive connotation. Making things right is empowering.
Punishment: This is the act of inflicting penalty on someone who has done something wrong; to treat roughly, to injure or hurt, to cause a loss of freedom or money or to provide physical pain for wrongdoing. This clearly carries with it negative thoughts and feelings. Inflict, withhold, deny, punish, penalize... all words that indicate that one would want to avoid what is connected with them.

So part of a healthy philosophy of parenting (in my experience) would be: Children deserve to be disciplined and corrected. Children do not deserve to be punished. If it is true that children are in the process of being formed and developed and growing, then naturally, they deserve to be taught how to feel and behave and corrected, or set on the right path, when they deviate.

Discipline, then, is a long process that evolves to meet the changing needs of a developing child. A parent who disciplines a child is a parent who teaches a child how to manage their emotions and control their behaviors. When a child grows with that sort of teaching and guidance, the child should naturally develop a confidence in his/her own ability to self regulate those emotions and behaviors and very little correction should be necessary.

Why is it then, that the topic of discipline and correction of children such a challenge for parents? Here are some possible answers:
1) Parents have inadequate coping skills for their own anxiety and thus are hindered in their ability to help their children cope with theirs.
2) Some children have experienced traumas which makes understanding rules and expectations challenging.
3) Many parents have inaccurate knowledge of how children grow and develop so they respond inappropriately to their children, based on their stage of development.
4) A common mindset for parents is that discipline = punishment and so they end up RESPONDING to inappropriate behavior, but never teaching and guiding to right behavior.
5) Humans learn by observation and some parents end up teaching their children, by their own behavior, how to cope with emotions and relationships in unhealthy ways, and then blame their children for not knowing better.

There are probably more reasons, based on specific circumstances, but that is sufficient to prove my point about how most parents don't ever stop to consider *how* they do their parenting. We take it for granted that we will be in relationship with our kids because, well, they are our children. So we tend to ignore the skill and maintenance that goes into regular relationships. Skills like; spending quality time together, building trust, fostering communication, caring for the other...

I could go on and on, but the point I wanted to make with this post is this: "Children deserve to be disciplined (taught and guided in what is right) and corrected (set straight when they make poor choices). Children do not deserve to be punished."

-jeff

Requiem

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 04:39:00 +0000

Working as a chaplain at the hospital, I was regularly summoned to be present for traumatic events: removing someone from life support; delivering news to waiting family that a loved one did not survive a surgery; responding to a multiple-car wreck ambulance call... and the worst kind of all: fetal demise.

Just thinking about having to endure any part of those situations is emotionally difficult for many people. Medical staff, emergency responders, and law officers are trained to deal with them, but most folks just crumble when they think about it. Of course, those situations are devastating for the families and individuals who have endured them. Many times, a family member would comment to me, as everyone was leaving to mourn in their own way, "Chaplain, I don't know how you do your job." It is easy, in a way, to remain compartmentalized in my thinking, my feeling about grief and loss. Today, however, there was no way I could keep from feeling the enormous sense of sadness and emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

This morning, we learned that the daughter of one of Amelia's lifelong friends died in her sleep, likely of hypoglycemic shock, or low blood sugar, and complications with her Type 1 Diabetes. I was stricken with grief on several levels. First, my heart broke as a parent, for our friend and her family. Second, anxiety and fear for my own children, two of whom have T1D, gripped me and wouldn't let me go. I shifted into crisis mode to make it through the day. I went to my wife, to offer comfort and to be with her in joint grief as partners/parents/friends and we wept together. Amelia took the rest of the day off work to tend to her grief and her friend. I went to see my mom, because that is what moms are for. Where I felt I needed to be strong for my wife, I felt I could just be a scared boy with my mom, so I got some more of my anxiety out. Then I went to work, where I tried to be productive. While I was helping other families deal with their dysfunctions and crises, I was fine, but I couldn't focus to do any of my paperwork.

I spent the evening with my kids, going to a play practice and then a homecoming football game, but now, as we get ready to put kids to bed, I'm faced with doing battle with a wicked team: Diabetes and Anxiety. Although we live daily in the shadow of the specter of Diabetes, we are protected by an illusion of normalcy that allows us to believe that we have things under control. Tonight, the veil we rely on to help us function has been ripped away by the death of our friend's daughter. Tonight, we can't ignore or pretend that this reality doesn't exist for us: Death is always at our doorstep. No matter our vigilance, our precautions, our education, our habits... Diabetes stands ready to claim the lives of our son and our daughter.

Earlier today, I asked a dear friend and fellow T1 sufferer, Sarah Ray, for some advice. She has lived with the same issue, the same disease for many years. She helped me to be able to come to terms with today:

"...Sarah, just wanted to let you know that _________'s little girl, _____, died in her sleep last night. I am not sure if you know them or not, but ____ was Type 1 and she had difficulty with seizures and such from her lows. _______ and Amelia have been friends since they were little girls. We are all pretty sad right now. Haven't told the kids yet, as they are at school, but would appreciate prayers and maybe even some pointers on how to help MH and Ethan not have anxiety over going to sleep.
love you,
jeff..."

Sarah Ray
"... I am praying and very sad as well I had seen posts on Amelia's wall about her but had never gotten to meet her and I believe u guys have talked about her to me. Not sure how I did not connect with her. I am sorry its so close to home and I will try to think of some thing for MH and Ethan but I am just as scared some nights all I can have is faith that God is not done with me yet. I know having the Cgms will maybe help for MH and Ethan to feel safe sleeping. It scares me too,
Love Sarah..."

Sarah reminded me, helped me remember what my grief and fear caused me to lose sight of... God is in control. He is in control not only of the life and death of my children, but of everyone's life, including my own. I am not saying I believe that God caused the death of this precious child, rather, that God is ruler of life and death. I agree with his servants the prophets who declared that his ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts, our thoughts. I take comfort knowing that despite the tragedy we experience living in this broken world, God is a god of redemption. He works to redeem not only people, but situations. Tragic, awful, devastating situations. Nothing is beyond God's ability to redeem for His glory. So, while I mourn for my friend's loss, I rejoice knowing God is at work. While I grieve for our sadness, I also sacrifice my anxiety on the altar of faith. I think tonight, as I struggle to sleep, I hear God's voice whispering to me, "Dear child, things will never be the same, but trust me... it will be alright." Come, Lord Jesus. I'm ready for some tear wiping...

Advisors

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 05:07:00 +0000

Despite Malcolm Gladwell's assertions his book, Blink, I think it is far too common for people to get in trouble when they go with their gut feeling. On a regular basis, I converse with therapy clients who are describing their anxieties, fears, neuroses, joys, obsessions and other issues. At some point, we begin to discuss how they manage (or don't) their emotions. Anger, for instance, is an emotion that kind of gets a bad rap. Some of my clients have been court-ordered to attend "Anger Management" therapy or group sessions for the same. The problem isn't primarily anger, in and of itself. Anger is just an emotion like any other. Any clinician will tell you that a great deal of the time, anger is actually a masking emotion. The real cause of a person's anxiety lies in another uncomfortable emotion which is covered up by angry behaviors. That is because angry behaviors are predictable. When one chooses anger and angry behaviors (yelling, screaming, blaming, accusing, aggresssion), other parties tend to respond in kind. Then the person doesn't have to deal with the real feeling... probably something like shame or embarrassment or hurt or guilt. So really, what we are talking about is how we manage our emotions in general, not just anger.

So, we talk about what skills the client already possesses and uses to manage their uncomfortable emotions. Ironically, angry behavior (which is distinct from angry feelings), IS in itself a method by which many people try to manage their other uncomfortable emotions. Let me clarify: I often raise my client's awareness about emotions by pointing out that there are some emotions that we feel like we need to regulate and some that we do not. Comfortable emotions are ones like: Happiness, peacefulness, calm, love, joy, pride, serenity. We're okay with those feelings. When we are feeling those things, we try to make those feelings last as long as possible. Contrariwise, when we feel things like: guilt, disgust, shame, embarrassment, hurt, betrayal... we consider those to be quite uncomfortable and want to get rid of, or change those feelings.

I believe that one way to begin to change how we manage our emotions is to better understand how they should function in our lives. Many people seem to believe the notion that if we feel something intensely, it has greater veracity. That is to say, that the stronger we feel something, the more we think we should act on it. While it is certainly true that strong feelings CAN indicate the right behaviors, it is not universally true. Consider the following scenario: A guy goes out with a group of friends on a professionally guided backpacking trip. One part of the trip takes the group to the top of a steep cliff face. They break out the gear and get ready to rappel down the face of the cliff. They anchor to a strong tree trunk at the top, have all the proper items: ropes, locking carabiners, harness, gloves, etc. One of the guides rappels down to act as the belay person and everyone is ready. So, our guy steps up and gets connected in his harness and is shown the technique. Every precaution has been taken, and yet... he is about to step off the cliff and descend ... and he's never done it before and his heart is pounding and he's ... afraid. His fear is almost palpable. He decides to back down. Better safe than sorry, right? That is an example of allowing his emotion, fear, to dictate his behavior. Now, what if he decides that, despite being fearful, that he wants to take the risk. He recognizes his fear, but reminds himself that he has done every reasonable thing to ensure that he will be relatively safe in this endeavor and he hops backward off the cliff and enjoys the thrill of his (somewhat) risky behavior. That would be an example of allowing his (justified) fear to guide his behavior (going with a group which includes trained guides, proper equipment, etc) but not control it.

In my opinion, this is what our emotions are for: to inform us. Our emotions should guide us, but ultimately, they should not control us. I like to think of a person's functioning as being similar to the President. A good President surrounds himself with advisors. Their function is not to make the ultimate decision, but to inform the President. A military advisor may caution that a bordering country is becoming aggressive and needs to be dealt with by a show of force. The agriculture advisor and domestic advisor may team up and offer critical information about that same country's trade status. A military show of force would likely result in a loss of needed foodstuffs. The President weighs all the available information and makes the decision that is best for the whole. Things quickly become unbalanced when one advisor is allowed to decide for the whole based on that advisor's perspective. In our emotional governance, this is all too often the case.

Think about the phenomenon of lovesickness. Even this pleasurable emotion of love can be destructive if it blinds a person's reason. A lovesick teen may be told by friends, "That guy is a jerk and treats everyone badly." Being flooded with emotion toward her beau, she minimizes his behaviors or explains them away, "Well, he's only mean to people who are mean to him. He treats me like a queen!" Before long, the lovesickness wears off and she changes her mind. It is important to recognize our feelings and even listen to them, but not to allow them to make the decisions that our reasoning mind should be making.

Have you ever been on a roller-coaster of emotion? Know someone who has acted on their intense feelings and been burned? Consider doing things differently: allow your emotions to serve in an advisory capacity and slow things down so you can think about your decisions.

Some famous quotations for your consideration (I neither support or decry these quotes, I just found them interesting):

All great movements are popular movements. They are the volcanic eruptions of human passions and emotions, stirred into activity by the ruthless Goddess of Distress or by the torch of the spoken word cast into the midst of the people.
Adolf Hitler

How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think.
Adolf Hitler

Comfort in expressing your emotions will allow you to share the best of yourself with others, but not being able to control your emotions will reveal your worst.
Bryant H. McGill

Emotions have taught mankind to reason.
Marquis De Vauvenargues

Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.
David Borenstein

I can't say I have control over my emotions; I don't know my mind. I'm lost like everyone else. I'm certainly not a leader.
Richard Gere

I loved her. I still love her, though I curse her in my sleep, so nearly one are love and hate, the two most powerful and devasting emotions that control man, nations, life.
Edgar Rice Burroghs

I think the smartest thing for people to do to manage very distressing emotions is to take a medication if it helps, but don't do only that. You also need to train your mind.
Daniel Goleman

I understand that it's hard for everyone, but one cannot give in to emotions... we'll have to draw lessons from the current crisis and now we'll have to work on overcoming it.
Boris Yeltsin

I'm just basically spillin' out my emotions to the world. 'Cause rap is about emotion. And I want you to feel what I'm feelin', 'cause that's what it's all about.
Ludacris

If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.
Daniel Goleman

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.
Brian Tracy

Markets as well as mobs respond to human emotions; markets as well as mobs can be inflamed to their own destruction.
Owen D. Young

One is certain of nothing but the truth of one's own emotions.
E. M. Forster

Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames.
Thomas Moore

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
Oscar Wilde

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.
Roger Ebert

C.O.P.s

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 07:01:00 +0000

In our Bible class the other day, we had an interesting discussion about 2 Corinthians 3. In that chapter, Paul the Apostle is talking about how one goes about getting known by others. He rhetorically suggests that some sort of 'letter of recommendation' is the worldly standard. However, those who are in Christ, he asserts, don't need some letter written in ink. No, those are insincere and easy to fake. A follower of Christ should have the Spirit of God writing spiritual information on those that we are surrounded by. In effect, those who know us ARE our living letters of reference for those who do not know us. And it is not ourselves, but GOD who writes about us on to others' hearts, when we are walking in the spirit.

Wow... what a heady thought. The passage emphasizes the difference between the outward and the inward. The written Law vs. the inward changes of the human heart, shaped by God's spirit. So, as the Bible class was wrapping up, the facilitator mused something to the effect of, "I wonder what it would take for us to really incorporate this type of living. To be totally infused, taken over, changed by this idea so that every moment of our lives allows us to be that aroma of Christ..." Immediately, I knew the answer to her question.

There are a few situations in our lives that, ideally, should change how the think, act, and feel about life. Worldview changing events that usually happen suddenly. For instance, getting married ought to be one of those events. Done right, the marriage relationship reshapes how one thinks, acts and feels. From "I do" onward, every waking moment, every decision will now be filtered through a new filter. Married persons should throw away the "What is best for me" filter and be prepared to use the "What is best for us" filter from here on out. That is... until one has children. Then, the world shifts again. Or it should, anyhow.

Anyhow, my point is... those events become what I have termed, "Central Organizing Principles". The fact that a person has become married means that he/she should no longer consider him/herself as an individual, but as a unit. You don't have to throw away the 'self', but you DO have to incorporate your "other" into your oneness, or things are bound to go wrong. Every decision made will be made with the new situation in mind. If a person goes around making decisions based on the old standard of simply 'self'... see how long that organizing principle works for you.

Sometimes, people are blessed/cursed with other life situations that become COPs for them. Just ask anyone who has ever been in a debilitating accident and lost a limb. Everyday, they have a physical reminder of what has changed for them. For my family, we had a COP enter our lives in December of 2004, when my 18 month old son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Quick recap for those who don't know: Type 1 is different than Type 2. It is an autoimmune disorder where one's body attacks one's pancreas and basically shuts it down, preventing your body from making the hormone: insulin. Without daily injections of artificial insulin, a Type 1 diabetic will die within days.

So, our lives began to be shaped by this COP, diabetes. We don't eat a bite without being aware of how much insulin to give. We don't leave the house without supplies to manage diabetes: insulin pump, extra syringes, candy for quick sugar boosts, ketone strips, apple juice, etc. We don't sleep without checking blood sugar levels. We buy clothing based on what is comfortable to wear over the insulin pump so not too many people will notice it. We don't go on dates without knowing that someone who is knowledgeable about diabetes will be watching the kids. Although it isn't real to them just yet, diabetes will eventually have a say in who they choose to marry because it takes a special someone to deal with the added stress and health risks; my oldest daughter, who was also diagnosed with T1 just a few years ago, will also have to worry about whether to have children because of the added complications of her diabetes. It doesn't go away, but it does fade into the background. It is normal for us to check blood sugars before we eat... our COP has become normal for us and, thankfully, it is not often that we feel oppressed by it.

But, as I considered the question from my Bible class, it struck me that the Apostle Paul was writing about how Christ should be the COP, the Central Organizing Principle in the lives of those who claim to follow him. One's decision to follow Christ should be a commitment that is life altering and should permeate every aspect of one's being. What we eat, what we wear, how we treat others, even how we THINK of others... who we marry, how we do what we do, how we take care of our health... That is why I said earlier that some people are blessed/cursed by other situations that become COPs for them.

In one line of thinking, it is certainly a curse. I wouldn't wish diabetes (or any other chronic illness or debilitating accident) on anyone. However, there is a lot of redemption that goes on for those who are willing to view it as a blessing. Diabetes has taught my family to be strong in many ways. Diabetes makes us rely on each other more, look out for each other, be more aware of each other's limits and abilities. Diabetes has forced us to rely on God's blessings of family and friends, and in doing so, has exposed us to the influence of some amazing people. As much as I would willingly and immediately throw off the oppressive influence of diabetes as a COP, I am grateful for the effect it has had in drawing us nearer to the heart of God.

My desire is to allow the influence of the Spirit of God to become more of a Central Organizing Principle in my life and in the life of my family. Unlike diabetes, which forced it's way in... God waits to be invited in. Once he receives that invitation, he begins to write my life on the hearts of others with whom I am in a relationship. I hope to expand my portfolio of 'letters of reference' as God's love becomes my central organizing principle.

Double Standards

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 07:03:00 +0000

I experienced an odd juxtaposition of double standards recently. Strife between parents and their teenage son for a number of reasons. Firstly, the youth is under 18 and, reportedly has gotten his 21 year old girlfriend pregnant. Secondly, because the father grounded the youth for stealing weed from the father's stash. Interesting, no? Relationship repair is going to be difficult here because of the father's "do as I say, not as I do" policy in parenting. The other double standard is a societal and legal one. A law enforcement friend, who knew the details of this case noted: "I don't know whether to advise the parents to pursue sexual assault charges against the 21 year old girlfriend because, frankly, the cops probably won't do anything because it would never go to trial, because he's a boy. It would be different if a 21 year old guy was having sex with an underage girl."

Double standards. We experience them when we have a sense of unfairness or unjustness occurring. However, the idea of a double standard is dependent on a sense of equality. Gender equality, class equality, social equality. If you asked a peasant in medieval times if he was aware of the double standard placed on his life, to be ever toiling but never benefiting from his work, while the tribute for his work and labor went to a nobleman who never worked or understood his condition, he would likely think you were crazy for even talking that way. He accepted his lot in life as what it was and didn't quibble about equality. Add the idea that everyone deserves equal treatment under the law and suddenly, you have to deal with issues like why women can't serve in combat; why mothers are more likely than fathers to gain custody of children in a divorce; the effectiveness of affirmative action, etc.

We often hear the phrase, "Well, life isn't fair..." as a way of taking into account the double standards we experience and can't change or influence. Because, you know, "you can't always get what you want" and "Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug." But you know, we all fall victim to double standards when we don't apply the same perspective to ourselves that we do others. There is an old joke that highlights how we tend to see what is happening to us in a different perspective than we do when the same things happens to another: A recession is when a friend of yours loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

I bring this all up because, as a parent, I believe that I often foster a sense of unfairness in my kids because of how society tends to push this idea of equality to be applied where it doesn't make sense to apply it. For instance, how many times have you heard an exchange similar to this:
Dad: It is time for you to go to bed. You need a good night's sleep.
Kid: I don't want to go to bed yet! My show is still on.
Dad: I don't care, it is time for bed, so get a move on!
(Dad sits down to watch the rest of the show)
Kid: How come you don't have to go to bed? Don't you need a good night's sleep?
Dad: I'm the adult, don't argue with me, now get to bed!

or how about this one:
Kid: We learned at school today the effects that alcohol have on a body. They showed us a video of how it impairs your judgement after just one drink.
Parent: Well, I don't drink that much, you know that.
Kid: Well, if it isn't good for you, how come y'all drink every weekend with your friends? I want to do that, too.
Parent: No, you're not old enough to handle it.
Kid: (sulking) You always tell me that I'm not old enough. It's not fair. I'm 16. My friends are already drinking and nothing bad is happening to them.

Obviously, comparing a child with an adult is not comparing two things that are similar enough. As adults, it makes sense to us that the comparisons are dissimilar enough that there is no real basis for comparison about a developing child's need for sleep and structure and an adult's ability to manage their own schedule and get adequate sleep, or cope accordingly. As adults, it makes sense to us a 16 year-old's cognitive reasoning and judgement (which are still developing, until about age25) aren't adequate for handling the effects of alcohol (and even then many adults probably shouldn't drink for various other reasons, but it remains a popular pastime). However, society is pushing kids to think of themselves as adults, with capabilities and privileges accordingly. If kids think of themselves as adults, then a lot of their angst makes sense.

I worked with a kid not long ago who described a teacher who sent him to detention because he had a water bottle before school. Now, I don't know what situation in the past prompted the school to have a rule that kids couldn't have water bottles out in public as they waited for the school day to begin, but they did. This youth was instructed to put it away. It had one swallow of water left in it and he drank it before he went to put the bottle in his backpack and the teacher claimed that he defied her and so he spent the rest of the day in ISS. Could it be that he was rude to her and said something to her that ticked her off? Sure. Could it be he was a repeat offender who was just looking for a fight? Possibly. Whatever the exact reason, I doubt that this situation was about a water bottle. It was about power and authority. The teacher issued a directive. It was not answered with an acceptable level of cooperation, so she used her power in a punitive way. If it had been another teacher who was sporting the water bottle, would that teacher be made to follow the 'rule' or be so harshly treated if they failed to comply with another teacher's directive? Probably not. Unfair? Double standard? Only if teachers and students are equal.

Anyhow, double standards bother me. Not because they exist. I can deal with that. It bothers me that we tend to deal so poorly with that concept. I think that the real problem is that people, in general, lack humility. We lack the ability to look beyond ourselves and assess a situation from other perspectives. Would our parenting be different if we saw our children as people instead of as pests or trouble makers when they got in trouble? When they are reacting to what they see as unfairness in our actions or attitudes, instead of working to justify our actions, can we see their perspective and address the situation as someone who understands where they are coming from? I don't mean we have to agree with them, or cater to them, but if, in humility, we can understand them... would it make a difference in how we respond?

So, to be a better parent, I need to not only respond to my children's sense of unfairness with humility, I need to teach them properly how to discern between unfairness, injustice and just not getting one's own way. They're not the same, but I hear people, especially teens, use those concepts interchangeably. I need to model for my children what fairness looks like when they see me interact with others and I need to model how to cope with unfairness when it occurs to me. Humility is harder than it looks.

-jeff

Switch the ratio

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 06:55:00 +0000

Widely noted for his studies on marital success, Dr. John Gottman has identified what he calls the 'golden ratio' that can help predict the long term stability of relationships. To sum up, he notes that relationships that are stable and have high satisfaction are characterized by a 5:1 ratio. That is, during conflict, for every 1 negative interaction (criticism, invalidation, hostility), there need to be 5 positive interactions (asking questions, showing kindness, affection), just to achieve balance.

I have a hunch that although Gottman's research is directed at marital relationships, there is a lesson to be learned about our relationships in general. I frequently have the opportunity to visit with parents about parenting issues. I sometimes ask parents to evaluate the ratio of their interactions with their children, especially during conflict. When we honestly look at how we react to our children, we frequently find that as parents, we allow our frustration, anger, and annoyance to mar our interactions. We criticize, put down, subtly invalidate, and otherwise behave in ways that our children interpret negatively. Consider this scenario:

Kid: Dad, can (best friend) spend the night on Friday?
Dad: I don't think so, sweetie. We've got a lot going on Saturday and it would mean we had to do a lot of rescheduling.
Kid: (pouting) You *never* let my friends spend the night.
Dad: (feeling disrespected, speaking sarcastically) Oh, right. You *NEVER* get *ANYTHING* you want to do.
Kid: (changing tactics) Please, Dad? I promise we won't stay up too late and I'll be good for the rest of the weekend...
Dad: (not willing to negotiate) What? You think I'm going to change my mind? How about you be good all weekend and THEN I'll decide whether (best friend) can stay next weekend?
Kid: (resorting to pouting) Ohhhh... that's not fair! (Sibling) gets to have friends over all the time!
Dad: Quit being such a whiner! I'm tired of having to tell you over and over that whining doesn't work.

On the surface, it sounds like a pretty typical exchange between a parent and child, right? Dad is sticking to his guns and kid shouldn't be so disrespectful. Tally up the negative interactions, though. Sarcasm, rhetorical questions to make his point, invalidation, hyperbole... If we apply the golden ratio, Dad would need to offer about 20 positive bids just to balance out his words. Now, you may note that the kid in that scenario was inviting Dad to behave that way. There was probably some past history that led Dad to reach his conclusions. However, Dad had a choice in his responses and chose to respond the way he did, so even though the kid's behavior wasn't ideal, we need to keep ourselves accountable for our example as parents. How will we ever expect our kids to learn about healthy relationships unless we are willing to be responsible for our own feelings and behaviors toward our children?

What if we were willing to try an experiment in our homes. Just for a day or two, whether we have conflictual situations or normal interactions... what if we strove to overload our relationships with positive interactions. What if we looked for what our kids were doing that was right and good and commented on those things? What if we overlooked every minor infraction (there are a bunch of those, right? From being messy to fidgeting when they are supposed to be still) and just let them go without undue attention? What if we went out of our way to set up situations where we know our kids will do well and then praise the heck out of them? Here are some things I brainstormed in just a few minutes that my kids did today (and I didn't even get to see them very much today) that I can praise them for:

Mary Hannah: woke up and got dressed with no fussing, packed her own backpack and lunch, encouraged her siblings in the car on the way to school, entertained herself on the computer at poptropica.com (an appropriate and fun website), used earbuds to listen to her music when she was in a room full of other people so she wouldn't bother them with her music.
Ethan: Woke up with little prompting this morning, remembered that it was waffle day and reminded me, didn't argue with Ele when she claimed it was her turn to ride shotgun (it wasn't), played with Timothy without incident, accepted redirection when he got up and didn't want to go back to bed.
Ele: cuddled with me for a few minutes in the morning after she got dressed, greeted me at the door tonight and showed me that she'd cleaned up her room and made her bed without being told, shared space with her brother when they both wanted to sit in the same chair at the same time, cleaned off her plate this morning without being asked.

Now, I could let those incidents go by without comment. Honestly, most of those things are normal expectations. I could just wait for them to stop doing something or to mess up and do something wrong and then fuss at them for messing up. But that happens all too often. I'd like to spend less time trying to fix what I think is going wrong and more time helping things go right.

I also want to point out that most of those things I listed were accomplishments, something they'd done. I want to try and praise them for those things, but also (and more importantly), I want to praise my children for who they are, for their character traits which prompt that behavior: initiative, kindness, generosity, helpfulness, affirmation, encouragement, patience, consideration.

I wonder what my household would look like if I changed the ratio? I wonder if I'd notice that before asking my children to change, I needed to change how I looked at things and handled things. I wonder if anyone is willing to assess their family functioning and see if their ratio could stand to be adjusted a little more to the positive side. I'll admit it is challenging. In fact, outside (and internal) stressors constantly pick away at my ability to accomplish this feat. Than again, most things that are worthwhile aren't very easy, but they are usually very rewarding.

Thanks, Dr. Gottman, for doing the research that gives us a goal. Thanks, parents who challenge me to do better by my own kids.

relation*ship - what it really means

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 19:29:00 +0000

There are many ways to define the word, "relationship". To many, the connotation it brings to mind is that of the association between a male and a female, that is to say, a romantic relationship. However, if you stop to think about it, the word 'relationship' is much less emotionally connected that one would suspect. For instance, when my cell phone is sitting on the table, they are in relationship to one another. The function of the table is to keep my phone at an elevation above the floor. The function of the phone is to utilize the table, giving it a purpose other than decoration. See? They have a relationship.

Here is a more workable definition of the word 'relationship': 'Relationship' is a word we use to describe how two or more entities interact and influence each other.

Using this understanding, we can see that the phone and the table are 1) interacting and 2) exert influence on each other. These two concepts are not mutually exclusive. One cannot be in relationship to the other without interacting and each is mutually influencing and being influenced by the other.

I used a mundane example in order to highlight that very concept, so that I could make an application to the idea of human relationships. If it is true that things (people) in relationship, by definition are interacting and influencing... what does that mean for us? Even when we are not communicating, that our non-interaction is actually a form of interaction and that it influences each party in one way or another. By extension, even people who do not directly appear to be interacting, if they are in relationship with even ONE person who is involved with another person, they will be influenced, by proxy. Confused? I hope not. However, this simple concept has some profound implications.

One thought I heard expressed from a divorcing couple: "This is between me and their mother (me and their father), it shouldn't affect the kids." How naive!

A thought I've heard from an individual who'd been dumped, "I don't know why this continues to bother me so much... I thought I'd moved on!" Remember, even non-interaction can be a form of interaction, which exerts influence.

Even professed indifference is actually still affected by and affects us: "I don't care if she likes me or not! I'm her mother and I'm going to do what is best for her!" To say it differently, when you don't think it matters, it does. The degree to which it influences us may vary, but not the fact that it does indeed influence us.

Give it some thought: ask, "How do I interact with (X) and what ways to we influence each other?" It might surprise you to see how interconnected everything is.

A quick internet search about this concept provides this link with a great real-world example of an unhealthy dynamic in relationships: collusion. The author of the blog deals with it really well, though. Click HERE to visit Collusion: What's Your Payoff? on thestepmomstoolbox.com

-jeff

But I won't do that...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 12:38:00 +0000

Here is an example of an oft-heard phrase in couple's therapy:

Man: I would do anything for her! I'd go to the ends of the earth for her...
Therapist: She's not asking you to go to the ends of the earth, she's asking you to go to the end of the driveway and take out the trash.

Do you ever find it odd that people will express their love in lavish and extreme verbal ways, but their physical follow through is piss-poor?

In teaching a parent recently about a parenting philosophy, I mentioned that it is difficult for us to influence our children if they do not like us. The parent responded, "I don't need her to like me. I don't need to be her friend. I love her and I would do anything for her, anything in the universe, whether she likes me or not. I won't let her throw her life away."
I replied, "If you would do anything for her, then would you stop talking over her and take time to listen to and understand her? That is what she's asking for from you. I'm not excusing her bad behavior, but it stems from not feeling cared about or valued by the person who matters most to her."

Next time we feel hurt by a loved one's actions or inactions and we are tempted to justify our feelings of anger and hurt by declaring how loving WE are and what we would do for our love... pause a moment and ask, "What is the other person really asking me for?" My wife doesn't want me to walk 10,000 miles for her, she wants me to respect and appreciate her in all the small, easy ways.

Why is that so hard for us knuckleheads?

Forgiveness and YOU

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 07:29:00 +0000

The broken soul sat on my couch and cried. She told me of an interaction with a friend who had reminded her of a past transgression. "You've got to take responsibility for what you did. Quit acting like you are the victim and realize that there were others who were hurt by what you did!" The broken soul protested, "I don't know what I was supposed to say... I know I did wrong, but I thought things were getting better. I thought I was doing better. But all it took was that one thing to make me feel this big (she gestures with her thumb and index finger close together)! How long will it be until this doesn't hang over me any more?"

I stayed quiet, trying to think of how to reframe the interaction. I had no doubt that the broken soul was trying with everything she had, to make things right again. "Do you feel like you haven't been forgiven?" She shrugged. "Have you forgiven yourself?" She stares blankly at me. She says, "I don't know. What if they are right? I thought I was doing better, but I guess I'm not. I have prayed about it. I can't tell you the number of times I've prayed over and over that God would forgive me..."

My question for you, dear reader... how many times should one have to ask God to be forgiven? If we ask once, in faith, should we not expect to receive it? If we pester God with shows of deep remorse, it is more convincing? I mean, after all, He does know our hearts, right? So he should be able to see inside us whether we are really, really sorry for what we've done, no?

I'm interested in how Christians view forgiveness, both from God and from others and from themselves. In the Old Testament, there is the expectation that in order to receive forgiveness from sin, a sin offering is made. A sacrifice is offered and blood is spilled. The death of an unblemished animal was a required prerequisite in order to gain divine forgiveness. Jesus changed all that. The Son of God, himself an unblemished innocent, was offered up in sacrifice so that his blood would satisfy the requirement. It was done, once, for all. Christ's death changed it all... now forgiveness is freely offered to all.

So... with that in mind, let's talk about forgiveness. The way I see it, it is a package deal. When we accept the forgiveness offered by the blood of Christ, we enter into a holy covenant. Not only do we receive forgiveness, we also receive redemption, reconciliation and renewal. Forgiveness means we are no longer culpable for the guilt of our sin, nor the shame. Forgiveness means we are also gifted with a peace that transcends earthly understanding.

Now, I want to be certain to point out that receiving forgiveness does not erase consequences of sin, just guilt. If we really understand that God doesn't require us to ask for forgiveness in order to offer it, we would feel silly about asking again and again for what he has already given. The broken soul I mentioned earlier might feel differently toward her friend if she understood and accepted this forgiveness. I imagine the conversation would have gone differently if she had the peace that comes along with a removal of guilt and shame.

Friend: You need to stop whining about the bad stuff that YOU caused and admit that you did something wrong and quit denying it.
Broken Soul: (calmly) You are correct. What happened was a terrible thing and I have many regrets. I am dealing with the fallout of those actions right now and could use all the support I could get.
Friend: Well, 'the fallout' would never have happened if you hadn't done what you did!
Broken Soul: (unruffled) I hear what you're saying, and although I regret those things, I'm looking for ways to make things right nowadays. I am not doing those things anymore, and that should be evidence that I am trying to turn things around. Things won't ever by the same again, but I trust that, with God in charge, things can be okay again.

What a difference it would make if we could face that sort of criticism with peace instead of anxiety and guilt. My assertion is that instead of wondering whether God has forgiven us, we ought to consider whether we have forgiven ourselves.

Jesus tells the parable of unmerciful servant (Matt 18:21-35) where he acknowledges that we have difficulty with forgiveness. Peter asks a pretty Pharisaical question: how many times should we forgive someone who wrongs us? Jesus uses hyperbole to answer him: Seventy times seven! (Read: as many times as is needed). So we get a sense of how we ought to forgive each other from this passage. Elsewhere, we are told that our forgiveness of others is a prerequisite for God forgiving us (Mark 11:25). But the Bible doesn't really help us out much on the issue of how to forgive ourselves.

I believe that we can walk more closely to Him when we consider that when we are in relationship with Christ, forgiveness is a daily process. The sin I committed last week was atoned for on the cross. The sin I will commit next week was atoned for on the cross. Not that I continue to sin so that I can continue to receive forgiveness! (Romans 6:1-2) What I mean is that more than wanting me to live in the swamp of depression and guilt and shame because I constantly need to be forgiven, Jesus calls us to right living and repentance.

Me: So, let me recap: You've told me what you are doing to turn things around and be the person that God has called you to be. You've stopped the behavior you were guilty of and are actively trying to do right?
Broken soul: Yes, of course! I feel like I've been trying so hard.
Me: So, if God has forgiven you, and you are answering his call to repent (live differently than before, in accordance with the Spirit), why do you keep asking to be forgiven?
Broken Soul: (shrugs) I guess I don't trust God enough.
Me: Could it be that Satan is distracting you by causing you to be caught up in the guilt and shame that were actually removed long ago? Satan doesn't have to get us to keep sinning. Sometimes he just has to convince us that we aren't forgiven in the first place.

Questions to ponder:
*When does Christ's forgiveness kick in?

*What is impeding your ability to forgive yourself, as God forgives you?

* How should Christians respond to others who seek to pull us back into guilt and shame of a sin that has already been atoned for? With anxiety and self-doubt OR with peace and confidence in the power of the blood of Christ?

And now... may you experience the freedom and peace that accompanies true forgiveness through the blood of Christ Jesus.

-jeff

Practicing what I preach... further thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 20:12:00 +0000

Okay, so my last blog post was Friday and I enjoyed the experiencing of processing my thoughts and feelings and coming to a good conclusion. Apparently, I was resting on my laurels too soon.

Monday morning rolls around and it turns out that my rededication to shoring up my paperwork weakness was short-lived. Despite my best efforts to make sure all my paperwork was up-to-date (I even stayed late on Friday to accomplish it!), I somehow failed to note that my end-of-month billing was due by 8AM on Monday.

Monday+end of month billing+audit+Murphy's Law = bad day. At about 9 am, my phone started ringing. My supervisor... wanting to know when I planned on getting my billing turned in. I had to rearrange my entire morning, drop two clients and reschedule two others, go back to the office and knock out the billing. Fortunately, because all my files were in order because of last week, it didn't take very long. But... you guessed it... because I missed the 8AM deadline, another write up for my HR file.

I found myself feeling and behaving much the same as on Friday, when I was confronted with a similar 'deadline' that I missed. I was a little angry, I found myself doing the justifying self-talk. My supervisor behaved exactly as I expected... just a reminder that my billing was late and that I had another disciplinary sheet to acknowledge when I turned it in. When I interacted with my supervisor, I was short, abrupt and with none of my normal pleasant demeanor. I didn't want to be lectured and I didn't want to be forced to offer up a wimpy excuse for my billing (also, I didn't have one). To be blunt: I was rude.

So, if someone is having a bad day (whether it is of his own making or not)... do they have a right to be ugly to others? Should they be given a pass because of their circumstances?

Looking back on my conclusions Friday, I reaffirm, being responsible for one's own feelings and behaviors is TOUGH. It is harder than I expected even. I felt good about myself that I was able to do it, even if I didn't do it very well. But I think something is missing. Even though I was processing some difficult emotions, even though, I was able to let go of my anger and blame, even though I was a little embarrassed ... I still damaged my relationship with my supervisor by my behavior. I can be completely out of the box toward her (Arbinger language) yet ignoring that I need to repair and reconnect.

It reminds me of the following story: There once was a boy who got angry very easily. Often, when he lost his temper, he would say, shout or scream things that were very hurtful. In an effort to help him learn some skill in regulating his anger, his grandfather, who he loved very much, instructed him to take a hammer and nails and pound a nail in the back fence each time he lost his temper. The first day, the boy went through almost an entire bag of nails. Over time, he learned that it was easier to cool down before reacting than it was to go and get a nail and pound it into the fence and he learned some skill in keeping an even temper. Finally, after a time of demonstrating his emotional skill, his grandfather instructed him to pull a nail out of the fence each day he went without losing his temper. After a while, the boy had removed all the nails he'd pounded into the fence. He told his grandfather about it and took him outside to show him. His grandfather pointed out, "Now, look at the fence. Even though you have removed all the nails, the damage to the fence remains. So it is with our anger. Words spoken in anger, leave scars. They will change your relationships.

Now, I don't believe that is the end of the story for me, but I think it highlights the tendency of most people: Once we've stopped the behavior, we expect that things will just be normal. We fail to follow through with what needs to be done to make things right again. So... the component that I was missing in my conclusions was: Ask myself what I need to do in order to make things right again.

There is a shortage of that line of thinking in this world. Again... I teach this stuff to other people! I should be able to apply it to myself, right? Argh! This relationship stuff is harder than it looks.

Full circle... let's make a spiritual application! God does the hard work of maintaining relationship with us. If ever there is distance between us, it is sure to be of our own doing, as God is constantly working to draw us near to Him. And far from wanting to destroy us, hurt us or punish us, God offers grace, mercy and forgiveness. And more than just putting it in the past, God renews and restores! Revelation 21:5a, "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" What can I do, but follow His example?

-jeff

Practicing what I preach

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 04:59:00 +0000

Okay, full disclosure here... I am a work in progress. I do not feel like I often get to the point that I actually have to use the tools that I advocate in my therapy practice. I would like to think that I am self-aware and practicing enough discipline in my everyday life that I hardly ever get to the point that I enter the blame-game and the justification for anger cycle. But I did this last week. Here's what happened.

The company I work for holds a contract with the State of Texas to provide crisis counseling for at-risk youth and their families. Because it is a state contract, the company is required to undergo an annual audit to make certain that the contract is being carried out. Our audit starts next week. This year, I resolved to recognize that anxiety, like so much other stuff, flows downhill and that I would decline any invitation to be as anxious as the administrators about the audit. I would just keep doing my job the way I do my job and let them worry about whether the i's are dotted and t's are crossed.

The past few weeks, my email inbox has been busting at the seams with emails about meeting our numbers, documenting our work and efforts to meet with Youth and Primary Caregivers. "Best Practice" dictates that we should complete paperwork in a timely manner and with the looming audit, that has meant increased scrutiny on our files. I can be quite honest about my attitude toward paperwork: I hate it. (Therapist Jeff says: Jeff's feelings about paperwork reflect his insecurity with his own efforts. Because he projects self-confidence, his lackadaisical performance in keeping up with his paperwork reflects his fear that people will see him for his true self: lazy and lacking internal motivation concerning small details) Yes, I hate paperwork. I justify my hatred of paperwork with a complex series of arguments about small minded bureaucrats who developed the guidelines for our program without any insight to what the actual job entails. Anyhow, the short story is that I have my own timeframe for getting my paperwork finished that does not always match up with deadlines that I have been given.

I feel that because it has been previously established in supervisory sessions with the people who are in charge of my program, that this should be taken into account when evaluating my efforts. Read: it has caused problems before. Truth is, my supervisors have all been reasonably flexible in allowing me leeway with my paperwork deadlines. However, with the added anxiety and desire to present the best possible filing for the auditors, the grace extended to me regarding my timeliness vanished. And that is what it has always been: grace. Now, understand, I am a good worker. I believe the outcome of my efforts readily reflect that I am a great therapist and gifted clinician. I get my work done, and I do make most of my deadlines, but paperwork and time management continue to be growth areas for me.

I was up at the office late on Thursday making sure all my paperwork was done, all my files were in compliance. I looked over the bevy of emails regarding requests from my supervisor and, confident that I answered them all, I stumbled off to bed to get a few hours sleep before I got up to do it all over again. Friday morning, I attended several meetings and then prepared to go meet with some more of my families, I stopped off at my supervisor's office to show off at how caught up I was on all my paperwork. "What about those extra notes I'd asked about on your closed files? The ones the auditors requested...?" D'OH! I'd somehow overlooked those! Despite the fact I was on my way out the door to a school to meet with a family, I promised I'd get them done immediately.

I rushed back to my desk and banged out the four notes. Now, my files were not incomplete or in bad shape. The notes were simply to assist the auditors and invite them to not scrutinize the file and nit-pick it. It took me about 25 minutes to update the files and I carried them back to my supervisor, feeling good that I was being a team player and done my best to be helpful. My supervisor thanked me for my efforts and then handed me a note to sign. It was a written notice that I'd been given a verbal warning due to not having those extra notes by 11:00 AM. It would go in my HR record. It had been emailed to the program director.

Suddenly, my feelings of helpful pride shifted to seething anger that I was being reprimanded for missing a deadline by an hour and a half. In my mind, my self-talk went something like this: "Why? I know that I missed the deadline, but it was an arbitrary one made up for this occasion... it is not like there were dire consequences... This doesn't have to be done, I'm being singled out for this... It is unfair... It is mean spirited... I would have handled this totally differently if I were the supervisor... this is how you go about ruining morale... I'm being set up to fail..." and on and on in this fashion.

For several long minutes, I stared at the paper, weighing whether to make a big scene about it or suck it up, sign it and let it go. The minutes stretched out and I knew that my silence and inaction were communicating to my supervisor that I was struggling about how to respond. I knew that anything I said would sound defensive and self-justifying. I knew that my supervisor had the technical truth to support the reprimand. I had a choice to make.

Now, I want to point out that this whole thought process took several minutes. I stood there like a idiot while I literally thought all this through and came to my decision point. I surrendered the thought that my supervisor was responsible for my anger. I swallowed the blame I wanted to level and let go of the self-justifying arguments that popped up in my head. I signed the form and left the office.

I decided to not be angry. It was harder than I thought it would be! I kept wanting to step back in my anger box and allow it to dictate the rest of my day. But the more I thought about it, the more I clung to the notion that if I teach others this stuff about being responsible for one's own emotions and behavior, then I better be able to back it up with my own experience.

Was my supervisor wrong to reprimand me? Technically, no. Subjectively? Maybe. It is possible to do the right thing but to go about it in a way that invites defensiveness. Was it within my supervisor's power to let it go and to not document the incident? Yes, but that is not the point. Truth is, by not being more proactive with my own behavior and attitude toward the paperwork, I was inviting my supervisor to see me as lazy with my paperwork. Doing my part to help out with the audit was all well and good, but really has very little to do with my own previous behavior. It is just a handy self-justifying argument I tucked away to allow me to blame someone else for my angry feelings.

My point in posting this is not to gain sympathy or even admiration for my self-analysis. I wanted to point out that handling one's own emotions can be difficult. If I had entered into a blame cycle, who knows where it would have ended up? I can guess at some outcomes: I might have decided that being a team player wasn't worth it if I was going to be treated so badly. I might have started subtly sabotaging efforts to meet our numbers or do things that would put my supervisor in a bad position. I might have subtly started undercutting the management by my own way of being toward the company. I might let bitterness suck the joy out of the job I love.... etc. The end result is that I would also have diminished myself in the process. That is not the person I wish to be, or become.

This experience is another reminder that grace is an amazing gift. I'm thankful that God invites us into His kingdom, where we experience no accusations or blame or guilt, despite our continued deservedness. Over and over, God invites us to be better, accept His perfection and clothe ourselves with it. God's redemption of my broken, sinful heart is not a one-time event, but a continual process whereby I (hopefully) become more like Him each cycle. This time, I hope that I've picked up some pointers about being gracious... not only to myself, but to those that I feel have wronged me (whether they actually have wronged me or not). God is gracious. Thank God.

-jeff

It is not my fault! Playing the Blame Game

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 04:14:00 +0000

When certain themes reoccur in multiple therapy sessions, sometimes it helps me to write about them and shake the cobwebs off my thinking. Today's theme is : Blame.

Assigning Blame. Finding fault. Pointing fingers. Whatever term we use, it is about accusation. Although, on the surface, assigning blame seems to be about holding someone responsible, in reality, it is often used to justify one's own feelings or behavior. It is a little ironic that a person may really think they are doing the right thing by holding someone accountable, but when we use 'blame' to do it, we are going about it the wrong way.

Dictionaries and common usage often equate 'blame' and 'responsibility'. The two terms are often used interchangeably. However, if you take a look at synonyms, we can begin to see the negativity associated with 'blame': criticize, censure, condemn, denounce, dispraise, fault, knock, pan, reprehend. By contrast, look at the definition of 'responsible': able to answer for one's conduct and obligations : trustworthy : able to choose for oneself between right and wrong. I won't argue that it is possible to read the other dictionary entries and conclude that even the dictionary includes the idea that the two concepts are interchangeable. I will contend that most people use the two in the negative sense.

Is it wrong to hold someone accountable or to uncover responsibility? No. However, there is a categorical difference between the two ideas: Blame and Responsibility. Blame accuses and invites defensiveness. Blame is connected to shame and guilt. Blame is usually also connected to anger and bitterness. Responsibility, on the other hand, is about growth. Being responsible allows a person to be proud of him or herself. Being responsible means owning one's own actions and feelings, good or bad, and allows a person to have integrity.

So, even in those rare occasions when it is socially acceptable to blame, I expect it is not very helpful. Blame is usually more about making the blamer feel justified in being angry, hurt or bitter than it is about helping the blamed accept responsibility. Can you not hear it? Listen to this conversation (paraphrased and slightly embellished):

Me: What it is about your parent's separation that hurts you the most?
Client: Well, it is my fault that they split up. I just want them to stop fighting and be a family again.
Me: Whoa... what makes you think that it was your fault?
Client: Well, my mom told me that she blames me for their decision to separate... and she's right. The last big fight they had was because of my stupid decision to disobey the rules of my being grounded.

Here, we see the client accepting the blame that the mother asserts. Now, while it is true that the client broke the family rules about being grounded, the conflict between the parents predates the youth's behavior. The youth's behavior influenced the parents' feelings and actions, but did not cause the separation. The parents had plenty of actions they could have taken, but for various reasons, they chose to separate. At a later date, the mom is hurt and angry and in order to feel better about being angry, she blames her decision on the youth. In this case, the blame did not invite the youth to be defensive. Instead, in accepting the blame, the youth also accepted undue guilt and shame. Should the youth feel bad about the behavior that the youth is responsible for? Sure. Should the youth feel the burden of the parents' decision? No.

Of course, there are other details I am not sharing about this situation. I have cleaned up and sterilized the messiness of the relationships involved in order to highlight my point. Blame, even when you can make a case for it, is never helpful. It is hurtful. Blame is about accusation and justification. Blame invites defensiveness, shame and guilt. Blame seeks to allow the blamer to put off the responsibility for his/her own emotions on another person. "You make me so angry!" and "If you hadn't ******, then I wouldn't blah, blah, blah."Can you hear the accuser, the blamer, divesting himself of emotional responsibility? Even if the blamer can make a good case for blaming, the end result is that the blamed feels defensive, accused, ashamed, and either defiant or broken. None of those feelings is conducive to healing, restoration or emotional health.

So, what is the alternative? Is it possible to assign responsibility without resorting to the accusing nature of blaming? How does one go about inviting another to accept responsibility without heaping shame and guilt upon them? What does it look like to act, in love and respect toward the responsible party, and firmly and with assertiveness allow them to own their fault? On the other side of the coin, how does a person avoid accepting unfair blame while still being responsible for one's own feelings and actions? Can it even be done?

I do not have definitive answers for the questions in the last paragraph, but I do know that I am done playing the blame game. It is tiring sometimes, because others constantly invite me to see others in an accusing way, to see others through their eyes of hurt and blame. I have a secret, though. I have another who invites me to see others through His eyes. He has a point of view that is unique in all creation. Instead of a lens of blame, He sees through a lens of grace, of undeserved mercy. Every day, I have the choice to accept the invitation of the hurt, broken souls that I serve to see others as blameworthy. Ironically, we are all blameworthy. Instead, I strive to choose what is helpful and healing, which is to see everyone through the eyes of a merciful, gracious God. The Great Physician has some wonderful insight into how to begin the healing process for the souls of men.

And now, may you have the courage to offer grace instead of blame. It is not an easy task, but it is a way of reflecting the image of a gracious God instead of the Great Accuser.

-jeff

Socratic Method in Parenting? Helping children develop good decision making.

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 16:07:00 +0000

Hello, readers.

I've had some thoughts mulling recently that I would like to share and about which I'd like some feedback.

It has been my experience that many parents under-utilize the power of questions in helping their child to make good decisions. What I mean by that is parents tend to do a lot more 'telling-their-child-how-to-behave' rather than helping them choose that behavior. Now, I don't know about you, but in general, doing something because I'm told to do it invites resistance on my part. In contrast, if I come to the conclusion of my own accord to behave a certain way, I am more likely to get to that behavior AND I'm more likely to have a better attitude about it.

In one of the parenting classes I teach, we talk about using short, directive statements that detail what action or behavior is desired. For instance, "I need you to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the clothes hamper" is more helpful to a kid than having a parent complain, "Goodness gracious! Your room is a pigsty! Why can't you keep things clean?!?" The former is non-blaming and contains direction whereas the latter is vague and invites comparison to a pig and recrimination as well . I understand that in many cases, a parent might say to me, concerning my example, "Jeff, we tried the first statement a hundred times before we got so frustrated that you are now hearing us say the second!" I get that. We have our days at the Emery household as well. However, the idea that I've bouncing around in my head is a complementary approach. I don't think it will or should replace positive, directive statements, but I think it has some helpful implications.

At some point, as parents, we become confident that our child(ren) know what needs to be done, or what behavior is expected, at any given point in time. For instance, I have confidence that my children know how to behave, but they lack the mental capacity to choose well when under stress (then again, we all do... on occasion).
So, if I have confidence that my child *knows* the right thing to do, then it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me to tell her again, when I observe her choosing a poor behavior. What I mean to say is that the problem is not a lack of knowledge, it is an underdeveloped process of choosing, or decision making. So, as a parent, I need to learn a better way to help my children develop their decision making skills in a way that invites them to choose the better way.

Now, I need to digress for a moment to point out that it is possible to do the right thing the wrong way and thus muck it up. For instance, you can do things with sarcasm or with disdain or resentment that ruins the whole gesture. Let's say that I'm arguing with my wife and after a time, I can tell that neither of us is gaining any ground, so I apologize just to end the argument. "Fine, I'm sorry, okay? Whatever." See, now, I said the words... but my behavior, tone and attitude conveyed a different message. Not only was I not sorry when I said it, but I also left my partner feeling devalued as well.

So, as I explain the benefits of using questions to help develop good decision making in children, keep in mind that when our hearts are hurt... when we are embittered, angry or frustrated... this technique has the potential to backfire. Our frame of mind when using questions to help our children make good decisions needs to be free of trying to blame them or make them feel stupid for not seeing the 'obvious' answer. It needs to be a sincere effort to help them learn and grow and out of love for the individual. If your child can see your way of being toward them at that moment, it will help them be receptive to the teaching.

So, here is a conversation I had with my youngest daughter a while ago where I wanted her to choose the right thing instead of me forcing her to accept what I knew to be the right thing. Editorial comments are in parentheses.

Setup: Our heater was out over a weekend and we were using space heaters in the living room to keep warm. Eleanor was curled up on the couch and vocally complaining of being cold, so she asked if she could go change clothes. Amelia agreed and Ele left the room for a bit. When she returned, she was wearing a thin nightgown (pink and princess-y of course) which offered even less in the way of warmth than what she had been wearing. Amelia protested and told Ele to go put on long sleeves and pants. Ele threw a fit, claiming the nightgown was warmer. Am instructed Ele to go change and Ele just escalated the crying. I followed Ele to her room to help her process why she was misbehaving.

Me: Ele, why are you fussing?
Ele: (crying) Because I want to wear this dress and Mommy won't let me!
Me: I understand that you want to wear the nightgown, but you were complaining about being cold.
Ele: This is warm! Really!
Me: (pointing to the clothes in the floor next to her) I know mommy just wants to help you be warmer and I think that those clothes will do a better job.
Ele: No they won't! Please, just let me wear this!
Me: Ele, tell me, how is your behavior right now?
Ele: Bad....
Me: Well, Mommy has told you to change your clothes into pants and a long sleeve shirt. Are you doing what Mommy told you to do?
Ele: But, Daddy...
Me: Ele, answer me. Are you doing what Mommy told you to?
Ele: No...
Me: What is the right thing to do right now?
(This is the important question for her. Give her the opportunity to make the decision. I could just yell at her and make her do what she'd been told to do, but I think the investment in helping her make the decision for herself will pay off down the road)
Ele: I don't know!
Me: You don't know what the right thing to do is?
Ele: (pitifully) no...
Me: Okay, well, I have some stuff to do in the kitchen and I'll check back with you in a few minutes. In the meantime, why don't you sit on your bed and come up with something that might work for you right now.
(I left her for about five minutes and then came back)
Me: Ele, are you ready to talk? Did you think about the right thing to do?
Ele: Daddy, I really just want to wear my princess dress!
Me: I understand that, baby. I am sure that later, when it is bedtime, you can put that on. What do you need to wear right now?
Ele: (dithering) oh...those clothes (pointing at the jeans and shirt)... But I don't want to!
(At this point, the question was no longer about warmth, it was about obedience, so I made that overt)
Me: Eleanor, it seems like you are having a hard time being obedient. Being obedient means that even if you don't agree, you obey, or listen to, what Mommy and Daddy tell you to do. I understand what you want to do right now, but what is the right thing to do if you are going to be obedient?
Ele: I don't know!
Me: (getting frustrated) I just told you. You don't have to agree with Mommy, but you do need to obey her when she tells you to do something. Now, what is the right thing to do in order to be obedient?
Ele: (whining) ooohh...I just don't know.
Me: Well, I don't know either, baby. Why don't you take a few more minutes to think about it...
(I left for about five minutes more and then returned. Variations on this last part of the conversation occurred for the next 15 minutes, with breaks in between. Finally, Ele offered a compromise.)
Me: Well, did you figure out the right thing to do toward Mommy to show her that you are obedient?
Ele: How about if I put on this shirt, too? It is warm.
(This compromise was Ele trying to save face a little. It allowed her to comply with Amelia's directive, but to do it in her own way.)
Me: I think that would be fine. Now, when we are fussy at each other, what else do we need to do once we do what Mommy asked us to do?
Ele: I don't know what you mean.
Me: Well, you disobeyed Mommy and yelled and fussed at her. How do you need to make things right with her?
Ele: I need to tell her I'm sorry.
Me: That is a good start. After you tell her you are sorry, you need to behave in a helpful way so that we don't have go get fussy at each other again, k? I proud that you were able to think about how to be obedient and then you chose to do the right thing. (gives hugs)

Now, consider how this could have gone (and sometimes does!): Amelia and I both fuss/yell at Eleanor for not listening and command her to do as she is told. Ele would likely be resistant and defiant (how do you feel when when someone orders you around?), causing us to escalate things and threaten her with punishment if she doesn't comply. Then it moves from being a warmth issue or even an obedience issue and it becomes a power/control issue. The end result is that parents sometimes end up inviting the very behavior from their kids that they claim to dislike. The opposite is true as well. Sometimes kids tell me that they want their parents to stop yelling so much, but upon investigating their interactions, it becomes clear that the child's behavior invites their parents to yell.

So, why does questioning work better in the long run?
* It invites critical thinking because the child has to process the information, rather than having it force upon them by someone else's will.
* The very nature of it communicates that that person's opinion is valuable and that they are capable of making decisions.
* Done properly, it is empowering and promotes self-confidence.
* It models good development for the child, for later in life, so they can do it for their children
* Over time, it frees the parent from having to micro-manage their children.

I would appreciate feedback on this post. You can reply on my blogger.com page, on my Facebook wall (once this is imported) or send a note to jde95f (at) gmail (dot) com.

-jeff

My year in FB statuses

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 05:03:00 +0000

ACS Christmas performance is finished. Despite technical difficulties, the show must go on! Good job, all. (8:46pm)It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas... .in my personal checking account. *sigh* Always too much month left over at the end of the money. (3:15pm)Truth can take care of itself. It needs little defense from me. (1:01pm)#2 - you are always after 1 for me, but you precede 3, so that is something. Of the first ten digits, you were the first to not be odd. Thank you for that. When used as a divisor, you help me find what half would be, you rock! (7:42pm yesterday)I told my kids they'd better not step on any cracks! Sheesh! (7:26pm December 6th, 2010)Getting ready to go shoot an old friend I know from high school. (with a camera!) (2:52pm December 5th, 2010)"Cogito Egro Sum" was insufficient to explain the fundamental nature of our existence. I wouldn't be at all except for the others who shaped who I am. And so it is with each of us, we are who we are because of how others have influenced us. We exist in and because of relationship. (1:42am December 5th, 2010)Is about to start making Sausage Balls as a part of "Bread Sunday" at Minter tomorrow. Oh, yeah! (6:12pm December 4th, 2010)wonders whether activism via Facebook is effective or just self-aggrandizing or merely superficial. What cynical part of me is resisting changing my profile pic for a cartoon? (12:53am December 4th, 2010)My joy for the day: walking with Ele today, her holding my hand and skipping along next to me. (8:08pm December 3rd, 2010)A brown hair clip lying in the rug by the shower looks a lot like a ginormous cockroach at first glance when the light in the bathroom is first switched on. A sigh of relief often follows a fearsome cry when one discovers, thankfully, that one's eyesight isn't what it used to be. Just sayin'. (10:56pm December 2nd, 2010)A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror. -Ken Keyes, Jr. (10:14pm December 2nd, 2010)All three of my children sang to me tonight. What a blessing to hear these sweet voice doing something other than arguing :p (9:21pm December 2nd, 2010)Dear child, you know the phrase: Too good to last? Somehow, people became convinced that good things are rare and limited and have learned to expect them to end. Not so with my love for you. Unconditional and eternal. Truly, God. (11:52pm November 30th, 2010)Finishing off the pecan pie.... oooohhh, I'm gonna have a tummy ache later... (10:16pm November 29th, 2010)Keep MH in prayer today. Not only is she ill but she has a migraine as well. Poor thing has been in misery all night. (7:34am November 29th, 2010)... making Christmas greeting cards in Photoshop with family pics I took today. Fun! (9:01pm November 28th, 2010)Happiness is a Strawberry Dr Pepper from Sonic. Slurp, slurp....ghhxxhr.... strawberry caught on straw. Love it! (6:47pm November 28th, 2010)Has been in the checkout line so long that it would no longer be an impulse buy to get candy, but a matter of sustenance! Okay, not really... but still... (5:17pm November 27th, 2010)Has finished re-reading HP7 and is ready to go see the flick. (1:55pm November 27th, 2010)There is some serious holiday decorating going on around here.... (7:35pm November 26th, 2010)Just finished 'Tangled'. Four out of five in the ERS. Recommended. (4:28pm November 26th, 2010)Black Friday is skewed toward people who: 1) Have money to blow on "bargain deals" or 2)Are willing to go into debt for said deals and 3) are crazy enough to get up early enough to beat out the other weirdos. (10:30am November 26th, 2010)Breakfast of leftover pumpkin roll. Perfect! (9:47am November 26th, 2010)Time to eat... Electronics away, everyone! (1:37pm November 25th, 2010) Puppy chow, no bake cookies, pumpkin roll, pumpkin cookies... Start the holiday caloric intake. I've gained two lbs just breathing the air in the kitchen. (7:11pm November 24th, 2010)Amelia called me into the hallway to listen to the voices coming from Ele's room. Me (whispering): What? Ele is reading to Ethan... Am (whispering): No... He's teaching her... Sure enough, we stood there and listened for several minutes as Ethan patiently and encouragingly helped Ele read a level 1 reader. P-R-E-C-I-O-U-S!!! I've got the best kids. (11:00pm November 23rd, 2010)Downside: cancellations are frustrating and I don't get paid. Upside: I'm home earlier than expected and can see my family! (7:20pm November 23rd, 2010)Jamming out to Relient K's Christmas album. (9:03am November 23rd, 2010)Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say: Blessed be the name of the Lord! (12:44pm November 22nd, 2010)Feeling thankful today... Gearing up for a week full of thankfulness. What is something you are thankful for? (11:18am November 21st, 2010)Curtain call... That is all folks! (exit stage left). (9:54pm November 20th, 2010)Halftime at the evening performance of The Nutcracker. The score is: Rat King:0, Nutcracker Soldier:1, Ballerinas: 77. I think we will go into overtime in the Land of Sweets. (8:52pm November 20th, 2010)So proud of my kiddos. Just returned from the matinee of The Nutcracker. Great job! (5:04pm November 20th, 2010)While Am was stage-managing Ethan and Ele at Nutcracker, MH and I got some one-on-one time. Did some house cleaning, had a late night snack at DQ and spent birthday money at Wal-Mart on Magic: TG cards. Just taught MH how to play and she beat me! (1:17am November 20th, 2010)What if your behavior was the barometer by which your kids understood what was acceptable? (7:35pm November 18th, 2010)loves surprise gifts from friends. Especially Amazon.com surprises! (3:41pm November 18th, 2010)Whew. On my way home! (6:14pm November 17th, 2010)Bleh. My day isn't over yet. I want to see *my* family now please. (5:56pm November 17th, 2010)I'm thankful I know better than to look at my bank account to determine how blessed and rich I am. (11:43am November 17th, 2010)Quirky FB trend: send me a question in private message and I'll answer it in my status. I guess it is like a weird Jeopardy variant... (9:25am November 17th, 2010)Q: What size shoe do you wear and what style of shoes do you prefer? A: 12.5 wide or 13. I found that I prefer Nike sneakers. Others aren't as durable or comfortable. I'm hard on shoes. (7:51am November 17th, 2010)Quirky FB trend: send me a question in private message and I'll answer it in my status. I guess it is like a weird Jeopardy variant... (7:30am November 17th, 2010)By the numbers: 34 years not dead 14.5 years happily married (to the same person!) 3 fantastic children of blessing Over 50 birthday well-wishes 1 new toy for my birthday 4 great sisters 2 loving parents Over 750 hours into my licensure hours 78 minutes of food and fellowship with a great friend over lunch 4 hrs worth of unwatched shows in my Hulu.com queue 7 hrs of sleep to look forward to.... Good night, FB. (12:18am November 17th, 2010)Phew! Practicing for the Nutcracker is tough.... and I'm not even in it.... I'm just a supporting daddy. Can't wait to see my children perform this weekend! (10:49pm November 16th, 2010)Contemplating what I want to eat for lunch. (11:15am November 16th, 2010)Good night's sleep... Check. Healthy breakfast... Check. Hugs, kisses, well wishes from family and friends... Check, check, check. Today has a good start! (8:39am November 16th, 2010)Amelia blessed me with exactly what I've been wanting for a while: Bluetooth Stereo Headphones! *Sigh* Now, I get to wait 3 hours for them to charge up... (9:52pm November 15th, 2010)Probably as a result of not enough sleep, I am residing in a funk today. Help me count my blessings, friends. Comment on why I should be thankful today. Be creative. (12:33pm November 15th, 2010)*yawn* going to bed. See you tomor... later today. :) (3:08am November 15th, 2010) Small group= good food, great dessert, and even better fellowship. (7:40pm November 14th, 2010)Pretty sure I'm the only male at the Sugar Plum Fairy Tea, much less the only daddy. On the other hand I doubt I'd ever see the inside of the Abilene Women's Club otherwise. (2:10pm November 14th, 2010)Amelia's homemade chicken and dumplings fir lunch! Yummy! (11:39am November 14th, 2010)Up early to go judge debate rounds at AHS. Man, I miss this! (6:40am November 13th, 2010)We may complain a lot about the hassles of insurance and frustrations of walmart pharmacy... But tonight I am thankful that I have more than enough insulin for the next month to keep my kiddos alive and healthy with no impact to our monthly budget. Praise the Lord. (10:11pm November 11th, 2010)Childhood coping mechanisms become adult dysfunctions. (12:21pm November 11th, 2010)houseful of visitors this evening! Yay for friends! (8:56pm November 10th, 2010)Our accusing attitudes always come across, even if we try to mask them with airs of courtesy or with silence, because there's a perceptible difference between the person who cares and the person who's making an effort to make it appear that he cares. (What We Are) -The Arbinger Institute (5:32pm November 10th, 2010)You've got to wonder about the wisdom of requiring employees to fill out a form to document their outreach efforts when filling out the form takes more time and effort than the actual visit. /boggles at the red tape (3:21pm November 10th, 2010)A stressed out lady tells me her mantra to cope with all her junk: "Cry me a river, then build a bridge and Get Over It". (12:06pm November 10th, 2010)stewardesses, lollipop - the longest words that can be typed solely with one hand, left and right, respectively. (9:31pm November 9th, 2010)My daughter, after a shower says, "Daddy, I think I need some new underwear." My response: "All purchasing of girl's undergarments will be done by your mother." Her reply, "Then will you buy me a pony?" (9:29pm November 9th, 2010)Pizza Hut cooked dinner. Nana made dessert: pecan pie. *sigh* I'm getting an early start on the fattening of the holiday turkey. (8:23pm November 9th, 2010)At cub scouts with my son. Learning to tie knots. (6:50pm November 9th, 2010)Looking forward to a busy but productive day. (8:47am November 9th, 2010)Last month, we had a water leak at the house and the water bill was 3x normal. Today, The City Utility Office gave me a 'leak adjustment' that totally covered the overage. Nice! (8:46am November 9th, 2010)NASCAR: a more exciting version of traffic. -Demetri Martin (3:29pm November 8th, 2010)Textbook misunderstanding: after telling my mom about a toy ethan is wanting, she asks,"Now why does Ethan want a Kung-Fu ballerina?" ...pause...Me:"No, he wants to get a Kung-zhu Battle Arena..." (2:50pm November 7th, 2010)I heard a 'Snap, Crackle, Pop' this morning... When I was stretching. No, I didn't have rice krispies in bed with me... (7:56am November 7th, 2010)Watching 'Julie and Julia'. It is remarkably entertaining. (12:04am November 7th, 2010)Spent a great day hanging out with my favorite 7 year old boy. (4:07pm November 6th, 2010)You know you're a parent when you are willing to spend fifteen minutes in the toy section listening to your child discuss the relative merits of zhu-zhus vs kung-zhus with another kid. (1:38pm November 6th, 2010)Helped Ethan and other boy scouts collect Canned goods for the food bank this morning. (11:41am November 6th, 2010)Had a great Friday. Here's to a great Saturday! Huzzah! (12:14am November 6th, 2010)Is being stood up by a family he scheduled with *last night* AND missing lunch at the same time.... Grrrr (12:06pm November 4th, 2010) In a melancholy mood today. Feeling a little fake as I meet new contacts to tell them about our services when it is likely that my program won't exist in a year .... (12:29pm November 3rd, 2010)Jeff, escorting the kids from Nana's house back to his house: "Grrr... I don't know what's up with them tonight. It isn't like herding cats... it is like I'm herding turtles. Whiny turtles." (9:30pm November 2nd, 2010)Upon checking his BG, Ethan announces, "It's still over 500..." in a guilty sort of voice... so I asked, "How much candy did you eat earlier?" "Well, just one Reese's cup. And one dark chocolate mini. And a regular chocolate. And a krackle. Oh, and one candy pumpkin, but it was just sitting there on my insulin kit..." Me: "But why did you think you needed to eat it?" Ethan: "I don't know..." (9:19pm November 2nd, 2010)Breaking my fast with hot chai tea and a cinnabon. Good morning, Tuesday. (8:40am November 2nd, 2010)I will not procrastinate on Facebook today... I will not procrastinate on Facebook today... I will not... darnit! (10:38am November 1st, 2010)So far, this is the oldest I've ever been. (10:28pm October 31st, 2010)I think that the kids collected as much tonight as we gave out at the party yesterday. (8:25pm October 31st, 2010)Is trick-or-treating... I mean. I'm taking the kids. (7:02pm October 31st, 2010)Trying to get pics from yesterday's Halloween Party posted... (4:53pm October 31st, 2010)Just rescued his iPhone from the clutches of 'Angry Birds' obsessed children. (1:07pm October 31st, 2010)Happy Holy Day! Praise God, all creation. Praise him for his steadfast love and his mercy. Give grace to others in the measure to which it was offered to you by the King of all creation. Have a fantastic day. (8:49am October 31st, 2010)Watching 'Private Eyes' with 10 4th graders. (7:48pm October 30th, 2010)Ethan, jumping out from behind a corner, to Mary Hannah: "Raaarrr! I'm a ferocious monster!!!" MH: "Awwww, that's cute!" Ethan: "I am NOT cute!" (9:25am October 30th, 2010)Hello, Saturday! Yay for the annual Emery Halloween party! Gonna be a fun day. (9:08am October 30th, 2010)Ethan took the Cinnamon challenge... and failed, but still 'won' the bet for his effort. (10:54pm October 29th, 2010)Listening to 'The Monster Mash' and getting dinner ready... (5:37pm October 29th, 2010)In cross plains... Almost home! (3:41pm October 29th, 2010)Enjoyed two nights of a hotel room all to himself but is seriously missing his family. Can't wait to be home and having Halloween fun this weekend. (8:10am October 29th, 2010)Learned so far: my session speaker ends too many sentences with prepositions and pronounces 'often' with a hard 'T' instead of leaving it silent. (11:12am October 28th, 2010)She not only saw the light at the end of the tunnel, she became the light for others - Kobi Yamadu (10:13am October 28th, 2010)How you know the planners of your conference cater to the high female population: the free breakfast is yogurt and fruit instead of donuts and bacon... (8:45am October 28th, 2010)Don't eat the marshmallow! (1:25am October 27th, 2010)just finished teaching/facilitating his first Court - ordered Parenting Class. Success! Lots of good feedback. (10:17pm October 26th, 2010)Ele, when asked what she was going to dress up as for Halloween: A fairy princess ballerina.... kitty. I think she covered all her costume wishes in one. -ha! (5:13pm October 26th, 2010)Ele: What is the Tooth Fairy's name? Me: Um... It is just 'Tooth Fairy'. Ele: why isn't it something like... 'Christina Flower'? Me: ... (9:14pm October 25th, 2010) Relationship is a word we use to describe how two or more things interact and influence each other. Bad relationships happen without much effort. Good relationships take work. (3:32pm October 25th, 2010)Feels saddened, having talked to a teen who has given up on his parents loving him. Got to practice just listening today. He wasn't ready to hear how to change his thinking yet, he just needed to feel like *someone* was listening to him. (1:20pm October 25th, 2010)I don't always mind you showing up, Monday, but do you have to do it so early every week? (7:18am October 25th, 2010)One of the top complaints I get from the kids I work with in counseling is that their parent(s)/adults don't listen to them. How often do we just listen for understanding? Not to correct, teach, remind, judge or dismiss them... just to understand? (12:00am October 25th, 2010)Bleh, Hulu.com is blocked at Henrick. :( (10:14pm October 24th, 2010)At the end of 2 years of therapy, my therapist said something that brought tears to my eyes: "No hablo Ingles..." (4:53pm October 24th, 2010)Q: How many therapists does it change a light bulb? A: How many do *you* think it takes? (4:53pm October 24th, 2010)Yuck! Ele and Ethan both have strep. Fun times in the Emery house. (2:09pm October 24th, 2010)Sitting at the civic center, waiting to hear MH and the others in Chorus Abilene's group perform. (7:12pm October 23rd, 2010)Three days this week = early morning appointments at the client's request. Everyone of them has been a no - show. Bleh. TGIF. (9:23am October 22nd, 2010)Goodbye, Trey. *sniff* (7:55am October 22nd, 2010)The 4th grade chapel helped me start the day with a positive attitude! But now I'm on my way to work... we'll see how it goes. (8:54am October 21st, 2010)Yay! got a new modem installed and restored wireless access at mi casa! We've been relegated to using our 3g phone to do any internet stuff for the past week. (8:56pm October 20th, 2010)is wondering if FB will provide some sort of filter to allow individuals to hide friend's status updates where the last 10 updates have been sports related scores, gloating, taunting or otherwise obsessed. Seriously, it is about as annoying as Farmville updates.... (5:57am October 20th, 2010)Ran across the phrase 'disciplined self-indulgence'. Hmmm is that like limiting myself to only 6 Oreos at a time? (10:58am October 19th, 2010)Typical Monday morning of no-shows. I'm getting impatient waiting. (11:12am October 18th, 2010)Love me some homemade sausage balls! Had fun making them with the kiddos an I'm looking forward to fun and fellowship with friends tonight! (4:25pm October 16th, 2010)Successfully slept in for the first time in ages! Now to conquer the lawn... (9:36am October 16th, 2010)At ACS game with kiddos. Wife is shopping. Should I be afeared? (9:07pm October 15th, 2010)Sharkey's for lunch with my wife! Happy Friday! (12:35pm October 15th, 2010)My sweet tea from Chick-fil-a tastes soapy. :( (11:47am October 15th, 2010)"Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it." - Henry Ford (1:08pm October 14th, 2010)is poor in liquid assets, but I got statements from retirement accounts and we've got a good start. So... I guess it'll get better. For now, I'll focus on the non-material abundance in my life: family, friends and fun. (10:19pm October 13th, 2010)Why do we bring misery on ourselves? Why are we blind to our role in it when it comes? (no, not me personally, but it became apparent to me today as I dug into someone's story with them) (2:12pm October 13th, 2010)Catching up on Failblog.org and then bed. Night! (1:14am October 13th, 2010) has developed a nervous tic in his right eyebrow. Very annoying. (10:58am October 12th, 2010)has a case of the blahs. Procrastination and stagnation are setting in. Motivation to do anything productive is very low. (10:46am October 12th, 2010)There is no such thing as a resistant client, only an inflexible therapist. -deShazer (3:47pm October 11th, 2010)Monday, Monday. *sigh* That is all. (2:38pm October 11th, 2010)You and I wake up in a jail cell together. Using only FOUR (4) words, what is the first thing you say to me? (post on your status to continue the fun) (7:11pm October 10th, 2010)0101010 = 42 (7:08pm October 10th, 2010)Parents- you are not raising children. You are raising responsible adults who just happen to be children right now. (11:44am October 9th, 2010)Thinks parents should have to get CEUs or demonstrate acceptable levels of skill each year they have kids at home. CLEP test to get out of a parenting class, maybe? (11:05am October 9th, 2010)Seek first to understand then to be understood. (9:59am October 9th, 2010)Stayin alive... (1:29pm October 8th, 2010)Peace out, sweet dreams. Tomorrow is payday and I'll have money in da bank! (for about 10 minutes). (1:01am October 8th, 2010)Escaping into Hulu land. (11:34pm October 7th, 2010)Love compels us to behave lovingly. Sin constrains us from being holy. (3:25pm October 7th, 2010)Who needs sleep? Oh, that is not a question, it is a song by the Barenaked Ladies. Good stuff. (1:54am October 7th, 2010)Ethan, after spending so much time in the *shower* that his fingers are prune-y, casually comments, "Dad, I think MH is going to have to take a shower in the morning. The water is all cold." As if his 45 minute shower had nothing to do with that fact.... (8:44pm October 6th, 2010)Blaming doesn't ever help. Blaming is a behavior that we use to justify feelings of anger, bitterness or resentment. Assigning responsibility or taking it is different from blaming. Blame accuses and puts people into a defensive position, from which it is difficult to recover. (9:37pm October 4th, 2010)Enjoyed the sense of community that hit when I walked into Los Arcos for lunch, looked around and realized I was friends with at least half of the other patrons. Took longer to say hi and sit down than it did to order. (1:36pm October 3rd, 2010)You cannot truly love another if you do not love yourself. Oh, and God is love. Tru dat. It's in the Bible. If you want to know love, know God. (1:04am October 3rd, 2010)Dinner menu: Greek Chicken, Fries, Rice, Greek Salad, Feta Cheese. That, my friends, is a recipe for delicious! Yum! (5:54pm October 2nd, 2010)Heard from the back of the house (around Ethan's room): Ugh! I don't like having sisters! It is SO annoying! (4:53pm October 2nd, 2010)Ready, set, MOW! Hello yardwork. (10:20am October 2nd, 2010)Making French Toast for breakfast. Hello Saturday. (8:19am October 2nd, 2010)Ending his date night with Amelia by watching "Date Night". Bonzai's was good, shopping was fun. Now for popcorn, chocolate, laughter and cuddles on the couch. (10:01pm October 1st, 2010)It is not just what you say, it is how you say it. It is not just what you do, it is how you do it. It is not just what you think, it is how you think it. Where is your heart about the situation? (4:56pm October 1st, 2010)In the car yesterday, I hear MH say, "Die, Piggy". I think out loud, "You're a little young for Lord of the Flies." MH says, "Huh? I'm playing Angry Birds on mom's iPod" My daughter is an iPodperson. (1:16pm October 1st, 2010) Me, packing for an overnight trip as a kid: Underwear, shirt, toothbrush, hat. MH, packing for an overnight trip: "Well, Eva gave me a list of everything we'll need... clothes, sleeping bag, a flashlight, my DS, Littlest Pet Shops, books, my iPod, a pillow, Lucky Bear, Blankey.....(the list goes on for literally 3 more minutes)" Me: Really? (11:29am October 1st, 2010)likes taking long trips in cars... good conversation. Thanks, Abby & Trey Gibson (5:34pm September 29th, 2010)Corporate kickball... Win (1:55pm September 29th, 2010)All behavior is communication. All communication is subject to interpretation by the receiver. What is your behavior communicating? Is that what you meant? (10:35pm September 27th, 2010)Google, you used to be just another search engine to me, but now you are so much more. A research assistant, a web sales partner, keeper of my correspondence, a source of information. You always seem to have an answer for me. Thanks for being there, and Happy Birthday! (12:31pm September 27th, 2010)Wanting to be sweet with Amelia, I told the kids that to share "my" Oreos, they had to give Mommy kisses. After delivering to her, the kids decided to gang up on me and give kisses. Feeling playful, I ran to my room and shut the door. Ethan: Daddy, open up! We have kisses! Ele: Daddy, come out! MH: Wait, if he's in the room, we can have ALL the Oreos! I tell you, she is scary smart! (8:19pm September 26th, 2010)Married folk: how have you demonstrated your love to your spouse today? (6:56pm September 26th, 2010)Sleep, why do I fight with you? You invite me to rest, but I resist. It is not that I don't want to be with you, I do... but... *sigh*, okay, okay. Logging off... (11:52pm September 25th, 2010)Drinking some hot tea with yummy flavored creamer, eating pear cake with psssshht (canned whipped cream). A nice peaceful evening watching Dexter with my wife. That's right : spouse, sweets, serial killer Ahhhh. (9:39pm September 25th, 2010)I brought two coffee mugs to the workshop, to hold the promotional pens and pencil I offered. When I got back from lunch, not only was I out of pens and pencils, but they'd taken my coffee mugs, too! (2:25pm September 25th, 2010)Is very underwhelmed with Peet's coffee house. 1) took more than 10 minutes to make my order. 2) i paid for a twenty oz and got almost half of it as foam. 3) it didn't taste good Bleh. Hello work Saturday, rain and all. (8:51am September 25th, 2010)Thought for the day: We mark the passing of one's physical age with birthdays. We mark the growth of one's knowledge and wisdom with degrees and diplomas. How do we measure the growth and development of one's emotional self? Is your emotional age commensurate with your physical age? Do you have an emotional Ph.D? (12:55am September 24th, 2010)Modern Family, The Middle... shows that entertain and give insight into family dynamics. :) (11:52pm September 23rd, 2010)Is worn out, empty, drained and otherwise done for the day. (6:27pm September 22nd, 2010)From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a 20 second hug from a partner... triggering the brain's trust circuits. So don't let a guy hug you unless you plan to trust him. - The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, MD (9:14pm September 21st, 2010)Even as I celebrate my survival of Monday, Tuesday sneaks upon me while I sleep. (10:28pm September 20th, 2010)10:00 no showed, 11:00 wasn't available... 4pm canceled, 5pm rescheduled. Was feeling discombobulated when Am called. Ethan's insulin pump messed up and I had to run by the school to change it. BUT... while there, I got to kiss all three of my kids, who were thrilled to see me. Take that, Monday! (1:28pm September 20th, 2010)For yer Pirate-y pleasure, mates! http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/45732-Young-Ewing-Allison-Derelict (11:49am September 19th, 2010)Sept 19th! Talk like a Pirate day! So...Don't forget to switch your Facebook language to: Pirate. Scroll down to the bottom of the page and there is a hyperlink on the bottom left corner. It probably says, "English" Click it and a dialog box will open with options. Select "Pirate". Enjoy, Matey! (12:16am September 19th, 2010)Ready to be done with today. Bored out of my mind, but my kids have been SOOO well behaved, other people have complimented them! (7:09pm September 18th, 2010)Home from the WTFair and Rodeo. Lotsa fun. Tired out. Sugared up. Showered over, beddied in . Good night. (11:35pm September 17th, 2010)MH, during the Barrel Racing: Daddy, I need you to get me a horse! Please! Right now!!! (9:29pm September 17th, 2010)Ele, bored with the rodeo: I'm hungry.... For cotton candy!!! (8:07pm September 17th, 2010)Ethan, watching the calf wrangling event: it would be more fun if they let all the calves go at once instead of one at a time. (8:00pm September 17th, 2010)Had five sessions, one meeting, one no show, three hours of drive time. One session was great, three were highly charged and one turned into a two hour crisis session. Picking up Chinese food and headed home! (8:04pm September 15th, 2010) Had five sessions, one meeting, three hours of drive time and one (8:01pm September 15th, 2010)Sometimes, I get a brief glimpse of God's provision in my life. All the years I've prayed over my children ... even the rare moments that God pulls aside the veil which shrouds our vision and lets us see them with His eyes, those moments bring astonishing insight into the heart of God. Can I be so blessed? Amen and amen. (2:08am September 15th, 2010)People respond primarily to the way we FEEL toward them... This works both ways. While a loving and benevolent attitude will show through even clumsy behavior, so a self-concerned and blaming attitude will show through skilled behavior. (No Other Way: The Source of Hope for Organizations of the Future)- The Arbinger Institute (2:34pm September 14th, 2010)Ring, Ring "Hello?" me: Hey, it's Jeff. "Oh, can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of [something]" me: Sure, no worries. Hang up. me: (wondering aloud) Then why did you answer the phone? (10:43am September 14th, 2010)looked at my schedule this week and it stinks. Days are pretty empty and I've got about 14 appointments from 4-7 PM every night this week. Bleh. (1:50pm September 13th, 2010)Thinks that conversations with name droppers are alternately fascinating and annoying. (11:08am September 13th, 2010)Getting ready to worship God with the church! (8:31am September 12th, 2010)Enjoyed my Saturday with Ethan, Ele and friends, but I'm missing my Amelia and MH tonight. Come home soon, ladies. (k) Mwah! (12:08am September 12th, 2010)9 years ago, I was getting my 4 month old daughter ready to go to the sitter so I could go to work when I turned on the television to discover every channel broadcasting the same tragic news.... Where were you? (12:32pm September 11th, 2010)Ele and I just made some muffins for breakfast. Blueberry, because they are Ethan's favorite. Sweet of her, yes? (8:28am September 11th, 2010)Well, Ele was the big winner on game 3, and Ethan's three game average was only two points less than mine, but I eked out a win. (10:47pm September 10th, 2010)First, dinner, then a Wii bowling tournament between Daddy, Ethan, and Ele. Reflex controls = the great equalizer. Ele will probably win. (5:47pm September 10th, 2010)Amelia and MH left on an overnight Girl Scout trip this morning. Ele, upset, got in bed with me and said, "I'm gonna miss Mommy." Me: "They'll be okay, sweetie." Ele: "But you'll have to sleep all alone." Me: "Will you need to give me cuddles so I can go to sleep?" Ele: "Yes.... but you can't snore." (7:29am September 10th, 2010)With no options, a person feels trapped and begins to lose hope. However, there are always options, if one chooses to look for them. (3:59pm September 9th, 2010)I like the man I am. (12:44am September 9th, 2010)Headed home and then to Bible study with the church! Yay! (5:28pm September 8th, 2010)Best Labor Day on record. :) Rested, rejuvenated and ready to go on. (11:51pm September 6th, 2010)Home a day early, but the upside is that there is time to recover from traveling, do laundry, finish homework and post pics to FB. :) (1:41pm September 6th, 2010)Good morning, holiday. How nice to see you. (11:02am September 6th, 2010)Home! Night night. (12:41am September 6th, 2010)Headed for the UFO museum and research center... (3:13pm September 5th, 2010)Schedule change... Roswell today then home! (12:10pm September 5th, 2010)Wonders if there is a need for LMFTs in Cloudcroft... (5:11pm September 4th, 2010)I ran into my friends, Kyle and Stephanie Rosebaugh deep in Carlsbad caverns yesterday! How cool! (2:17pm September 3rd, 2010)In Cloudcroft!! It smells/feels/tastes/sounds/looks glorious!!! (1:17pm September 3rd, 2010) Two blocks away from the gas station we'd stopped at, ethan says ,"uh, I forgot to go potty." these are the best years of our lives! >grin< (11:27am September 3rd, 2010)After breakfast, headed to Cloudcroft! Yay mountains! (8:59am September 3rd, 2010)Is catching upon FB mobile because I had no signal for about five hours when I was 750ft below ground! Seriously AT&T, why doesn't your 3G coverage include spelunking areas? (10:33pm September 2nd, 2010)I can see mountains! Real ones that are higher than 1500 ft. Hah. (12:16pm September 2nd, 2010)Is experiencing the Land of Enchantment. (11:46am September 2nd, 2010)Those times when we feel most miserable, offended, or angry are invariably the occasions when we're also most absorbed in ourselves and most anxious or suspicious or fearful, or in some other way concerned about ourselves. (Warner) - The Arbinger Institute (1:07am September 1st, 2010)Sleep, my old friend. We need to meet up more often... (10:44pm August 30th, 2010)And, again, un-friending has resulted in restoring some calm. How did I get all these people on my friends list? Oh, yeah, I added them. Has anyone else ever added someone just because, only to regret it later after reading the junk they post? (4:03pm August 29th, 2010)Okay, Jonathan, I've started watching the Transformer cartoon DVDs and so far it is just painful... (12:57pm August 29th, 2010)Anyone in the Abilene area interested in a fantastic portrait Photo shoot? I'd like to make some money before next weekend. Contact me and let's make a deal for some photos! (3:51pm August 28th, 2010)Realized that reading some people's status updates affects his calm and then realized that restoring his calm was as easy as removing them from his friend's list. (3:16pm August 28th, 2010)MH was driving me crazy about doing a craft project which I'd already told her shed have to wait to do it. I took the jar away from her and put it out of reach on top of the fridge. She grinned really big at me, reached up and took it down. When did she get so tall?!? (5:52pm August 27th, 2010)HR arranged for a Masseuse to come give massages today at work. Ahhhh.... THAT'S how to improve morale! :) (2:27pm August 27th, 2010)Is it bad that I'm already looking forward to *next* Friday? (8:33am August 27th, 2010)My wife got her iPhone 4 today. Sancho is seeming inadequate right now... (9:20pm August 26th, 2010)Before you worry too much about how stressed out you are, remember that God is on your side! The Creator of the universe wants you to rest in his strength, trust him to be in control of your life and depend on him to see you through rough times. Are you struggling? Rejoice, the Almighty is as close as your next prayer. (10:18am August 26th, 2010)Goodbye, Wednesday. You and chocolate did right by me today. See you next week! (11:17pm August 25th, 2010)Halfway thru the week. I think I need chocolate to make it the rest of the week... (7:57am August 25th, 2010)32 28 32 N, 99 42 58 W (11:07pm August 24th, 2010)Apparently, you can't go crazy by yourself. You have to be driven there. (2:53pm August 24th, 2010)Oh Lord, it's hard to to be humble.... (2:33pm August 24th, 2010)Kids need love the most when they are acting the most unlovable. -Erma Bombeck(?) (2:22pm August 23rd, 2010)Back at work. Looking at Staples(tm) catalog and wishing the "easy" button really worked... (10:13am August 23rd, 2010)Eating sunflower seeds and thinking about the families I'll be serving this week. (11:19pm August 22nd, 2010)Family game night! Playing Dicecapades. (8:06pm August 22nd, 2010) I took a look at my reflection in the mirror this morning and thought, "At least I know I'm not a vampire." (8:42am August 22nd, 2010)wonders what next week will hold... (2:02am August 22nd, 2010)I Understand that I come across as condescending to others sometimes. This is not because I don't like you, it is my way of compensating for my insecurities. And, I'm smarter than you. That is all. (7:30pm August 20th, 2010)Yay, Trey gave me a ladder to get out of my box! Let's hope it helps. (10:44am August 20th, 2010)Dear Friday, what's going on? I had such high hopes for today and so far, it feels like you are trying to make me miserable. Bah. If your intention was to tick me off, mission accomplished! (9:59am August 20th, 2010)Dear Friday, I'm glad you are here. I've been thinking about you all week! (7:08am August 20th, 2010)My son is beatboxing... (8:16pm August 19th, 2010)So, I've come to the point where I'm past the denial that I'm stressed out. I'm being mindful of my stressors, but I'm curious... on a scale of 1-10 (low-high) how stressed would you consider yourself? ie, I would have rated myself at a 5 last week, which would have meant to me that I knew I had stress but felt I was coping with it well. Now, I'd put myself at a 7 or maybe an 8. How about you, and why? (9:16am August 19th, 2010)What would we be without wishful thinking? (1:55am August 19th, 2010)So after my rough morning start, I'm a little frazzled, bit stressed, when God says to me, he says, "Child, calm down. I've got this. Winds, waves, storm... just distractions. Hold me hand, it's gonna be alright." (12:25pm August 18th, 2010)Thinks he should go back to bed and start the day over. (10:14am August 18th, 2010)The staff at Advance Auto parts is pretty helpful, the other customers, not so much. Yes, I'm talking about you, rude lady who thinks her needing a certain brand of synthetic oil is more deserving of assistance than any if the other customers' needs. (9:47am August 18th, 2010)Car batteries pass on so dramatically. They die! RIP, old battery. (8:51am August 18th, 2010)Is stuck in limbo... er... Wal-mart. *sigh* (8:45am August 18th, 2010)Paperwork, how I revile thee. Thou tauntest me with your imagined urgency, inflating your importance and threatening my peace. Were it within my power, I would banish thee to the outer darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth! Too dramatic? Yeah, probably. (7:40pm August 17th, 2010)A mundane evening of grocery shopping, a simple PB&J for a late dinner and reruns. How awesome is that?!? I needed mundane tonight. (11:10pm August 16th, 2010)Diabetes on the mind tonight. Hate it. (11:50pm August 15th, 2010)Worship at Mission Abilene, lunch and swimming with friends. Nice Sunday. (1:20pm August 15th, 2010)Printing pics for scrapbooking. My hobby and Am's hobby go hand in hand. :) (11:50pm August 14th, 2010)Aaaannndd.... We're home! Yay! (8:23pm August 14th, 2010)In Albany! Almost home. (7:35pm August 14th, 2010)Stopped to visit the Brumleys in Wichita Falls! (4:39pm August 14th, 2010)Crossing the Red. Back in Texas! (2:39pm August 14th, 2010)Ironic that my last status update dealt with gluttony, but I skipped breakfast and am now waiting on lunch... I'm hungry. (12:14pm August 14th, 2010)I've never been drunk, thus never hungover. But overeating has it's own uncomfortable consequences. Surprisingly, the glutton in me doesn't learn from his mistakes either. (9:47am August 14th, 2010) Urp! They should make a t-shirt that has 'I ate too much at Ted's Cafe Escondido'. I'd buy one... (3:08pm August 13th, 2010)MH A1C is higher at 10... Making adjustments. Ethan is lower at 8.7... Yeah! Headed in the right direction. (10:58am August 13th, 2010)In Oklahoma! Sooner rather than later... Ha! (7:44am August 13th, 2010)Stopping at IHOP for breakfast, Ethan comments, "Oh, boy! We get to have pancakes for breakfast! I've never had pancakes for breakfast before!". Seriously? Do we only ever do breakfast for dinner these days? Ha. (6:45am August 13th, 2010)It is almost 4 AM and we're setting off on our whirlwind trip to OKC and back. *Yawn* Giddyap.... (4:00am August 13th, 2010)MH rode home in the car with me and we chatted and laughed. Then she reached over and held my hand. Best.feeling.ever. I love being a Daddy. (9:26pm August 12th, 2010)Parmesan Goldfish crackers, you have been granted a reprieve from my destructive snacking tendencies. You have Cinnamon Teddy Grahams to thank. (4:22pm August 12th, 2010)Is working on being appropriately assertive. (1:12pm August 12th, 2010)Is signing up for ballet and jazz dance classes... (9:30am August 12th, 2010)Parmesan Goldfish are dying by the handfuls... RIP delicious fishes... (2:48am August 11th, 2010)cramming more into my morning than many people do in a lifetime... that's Monday for ya. (11:14am August 9th, 2010)Up and at 'em, folks. It's Monday again. (8:44am August 9th, 2010)Going to bed after TROUNCING my buddy Beja in Scrabble and then a three hour conversation about other stuff. Now to see if I can get to sleep... (3:22am August 9th, 2010)All behavior is learned behavior. How did we learn how to be good Christians? Who do you emulate? (9:37am August 8th, 2010)Out to dinner with two other couples, no kids. Topic of discussion? Our kids. :) (8:53pm August 7th, 2010)Wonders if the yardwork is gonna get done today... (9:37am August 7th, 2010)New Horizons BEST camp v. 2.0 is done! Lots of improvement, pots of fun! (12:22pm August 6th, 2010)Amelia has a mega-migraine :( MH made dinner! We are all in whisper mode as we enjoy Southwest Fajita wraps. (6:56pm August 5th, 2010)up early for some running around... (6:09am August 4th, 2010)is combining 'Oreo Cookie Therapy' with 'Hulu Queue Therapy' for some stress relief. (11:21pm August 3rd, 2010)After a full day that ended in continued frustration work issues 8 have decided that Oreos and milk will make things seem better. (7:50pm August 3rd, 2010)My get up and go done got up and went! Perhaps running a half day camp, four groups and two individual sessions in one day was a Bad plan. (2:56pm August 3rd, 2010)had an excellent nap before bedtime. :) (4:14am August 3rd, 2010)Hmmm. Late dinner of some excellent beef stew. Now the question is: to Snickers or not to Snickers? Too late at night for a candy bar? What advice do you have for me? (10:09pm August 2nd, 2010)Is losing hope for office communication and common sense. (12:47pm August 2nd, 2010) Just finished "The Bucket List". 5 on the ERS. Great movie. Right up there with "My Life", and "Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium" for movies that address how to cope with the dilemma of how to live while dying. Highly recommended. (9:36pm August 1st, 2010)Going to see Inception! Yay. (1:05pm August 1st, 2010)Trying to schedule a double date with friends. Four iPods, two paper calendars came out and fifteen minutes later we found a time with no conflicts. (7:48pm July 31st, 2010)Hey, 2010, what is the hurry? Why are you going so fast? Seems like yesterday you promised me all summer to get stuff done and now you are ready to be moving on to fall? What's up with that? (10:49am July 31st, 2010)Is being allowed to moonlight. Allowed. (4:27pm July 30th, 2010)Busy day with back to back appointments! (12:12pm July 29th, 2010)Is watching 2012. What a disaster! (10:36pm July 28th, 2010)is consuming mid-afternoon chocolate. (3:30pm July 28th, 2010)Is perpetuating the Tooth Fairy mythos... and I'm out $4... (11:41pm July 27th, 2010)Wants to go see Inception. (7:12pm July 27th, 2010)How will your words influence your child's decisions? (10:43am July 27th, 2010)Tuesday dawns with a sick kid, full schedule and end-of-month paperwork looming... (9:20am July 27th, 2010)Back at work, playing catch-up. Unless I manage to schedule a client for today, will likely be tied to desk doing paperwork all day. Thanks, Monday. (10:34am July 26th, 2010)Oh so great to be home... But... There's laundry fir Amelia to do and I have been tasked with cleaning out leftover food stuffs that have been untouched for too long in the fridge... Baths for the kids and then to bed so we can start our week off tomorrow (9:36pm July 25th, 2010)Home again, greeted by the California cousins and papa's hamburgers. Great homecoming. (6:22pm July 25th, 2010)Leaving Brownwoood in the dust... Almost home. (2:51pm July 25th, 2010)Dear Pappasitos, thanks for making our last meal in Austin a fabulous one! Ethan appreciated his birthday surprise, too! (6:45pm July 24th, 2010)At Jungle Java, a cross between Starbucks and McDonald's playplace. Kids run and play while parents sip their frappachinos. Good marketing. (12:57pm July 24th, 2010)Another great night in Austin. Finished the conference this afternoon, picked the kids up and took them swimming. Picnic dinner and then to the Park and the outdoor theater. A fantastic production of Annie. Great time had by all. (1:06am July 24th, 2010)High on the hill, waiting for Annie to start, one of the sponsors came by and invited us to a front row seat! Score! (8:34pm July 23rd, 2010)Going swimming with the kids! (2:01pm July 23rd, 2010)What you praise is what you get. (11:16am July 23rd, 2010)is listening to a Ph.D expound on ADD and ADHD, from a purely medical model. My blood pressure is rising. (9:00am July 23rd, 2010)Happy birthday to my dear son, whom I love deeply. HB, Ethan! (8:38am July 23rd, 2010)Psych is my only friend tonight. Be good to me, Hulu. (11:14pm July 22nd, 2010) For dinner tonight, I had beef, chicken, shrimp and pork. Yay for buffets! Good choice, Ethan! (9:18pm July 22nd, 2010)Ladybird Johnson wildflower park rocked. Great family fun! (8:26pm July 22nd, 2010)Had a great afternoon session, but remains frustrated by work stuff. (5:17pm July 22nd, 2010)When I become a professional speaker, I want to develop a strategy for defeating the unsightly foam that forms in the corner of the mouth, or the white flecks that form on the lips... Ewww! (2:42pm July 22nd, 2010)Mack McCarter: Love is like a river, but you don't have to wear my swimsuit to swim in it. (10:51am July 22nd, 2010)Hmmm. Spiritual aspects of chemical dependency treatment and recovery. This speaker sounds promising. (10:39am July 22nd, 2010)Family time! (4:52pm July 21st, 2010)Literal laugh out loud! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA&feature=youtube_gdata Total eclipse of the heart. (2:52pm July 21st, 2010)Presenter gave us thirty minutes to work on a group task. That was 1 hour ago. Took our group ten mins... Sigh... (2:34pm July 21st, 2010)Conversation on the bridge, waiting for the bats: Ele: where are the bats? Me: well, some are flying, some are still resting. Some are hunting for bugs. Ele: will they fly into us? Am: if the can use echolocation to catch tiny bugs, I'm sure they can use echolocation to avoid hitting a big girl like you. Ele: what if I sound like a mosquito? (makes buzzing sounds) Ethan: (joins Ele, buzzing) (11:13am July 21st, 2010)Conference is dragging a bit... (11:11am July 21st, 2010)No bats tonight. Maybe in my dreams. Night all. (11:00pm July 20th, 2010)On congress bridge in Austin waiting on the bats... (9:43pm July 20th, 2010)Mmmmmm! Friday's on Tuesday! (7:10pm July 20th, 2010)Who is your hero? Why? (2:04pm July 20th, 2010)Shocked (10:39am July 20th, 2010)If you can't identify your needs, they won't get met with any kind of consistency. If those needs aren't getting met consistently, you will most likely experience some form of depression. - Dr. Claudia Black (9:41am July 20th, 2010)Conference day 2: morning keynote is kicked off with Christian rapper Litaroti. Ha! I hope this does a better job waking me up than the hotel coffee. (8:35am July 20th, 2010)In Austin. Ready to start the convention stuff during the day and the family fun by night. (7:13am July 20th, 2010)Had papa's grilled chicken and got to see the chris heard family and moosha and zach! Feeling full of food and fully blessed as I start to Austin. (8:09pm July 19th, 2010)Whew. Half of my marathon trip is done. Now to grab a bite and get in the road to Austin. (7:22pm July 19th, 2010)Ugh I think I have a kidney stone. *whimper* (6:14pm July 19th, 2010)Grande iced chai tea latte, please! (11:11am July 19th, 2010)At IHOP with uncles, niece, sister and mama. Yay for food and fellowship. (9:14am July 19th, 2010)Family dinner: a lesson in modern anthropology. And hilarious, from a certain perspective. (6:15pm July 18th, 2010) Love my family! On the way to the funeral home, stopped by Starbucks. Grandpa takes his straight. Glad we can still smile. (3:46pm July 18th, 2010)"The hardest thing about having a third child is switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." -ha! Single parents have it even harder. (12:37am July 18th, 2010)Monsters v. Aliens is a surprisingly entertaining movie. 4 stars on the ERS. (9:38pm July 17th, 2010)Murphy is laughing at me. Took the van to the carwash, where I paid to have the carpet cleaned because the kids have spilled drinks in the back several times recently. 1.5 hours later, car is clean and washed and carpet shampoo'ed. 10 minutes after leaving the carwash, I spilled my coke all over the driver's side floor. I've not spilled a drink in a car for years. Jeff: 0, Murphy: 1 (6:12pm July 17th, 2010)Quote of the day: people may not always believe what you say, buy they will always believe what you do. (8:36am July 17th, 2010)MH is home from camp, safe and sound except for (as near as we can tell) about 40 mosquito bites. (12:41am July 17th, 2010)Ele: Daddy, I don't want you to die. Me: Ok, I'll live forever. Ele: No, but you have to die so you can go to Heaven. Me: That is my plan. Ele: So, you can die, but only if you go to Heaven, not the other place, okay? Me: I'm glad we're on the same page, baby. (9:09pm July 16th, 2010)Feels blessed by good friends. (7:11pm July 16th, 2010)Taking care of business. (11:41am July 16th, 2010)Isn't feeling it this morning. (8:52am July 16th, 2010)R.I.P. James Smalley. Love you, Gold. (9:10pm July 15th, 2010)What.a.day. Exhausted. Srsly. (8:13pm July 15th, 2010)My favorite no-shows: those ones where I get up early to get to the appointment which is scheduled at the client's own house! "oh sorry, forgot it was today... I am still asleep, can you come back later?" grrr (9:15am July 15th, 2010)feels goofy that getting a new appointment book is a reason to be happy. It is weird, but seeing the pristine pages, with no appointments, no scheduling... feels full of promise that I could possibly get back in charge of my schedule... ha! (11:48pm July 14th, 2010)Okay, fun's over. Back on your heads! (10:38pm July 14th, 2010)Redneck Haiku, by Mary Witte: Clifford nearly starves when Pranksters hide his food stamps Under his work boots. (10:34pm July 14th, 2010)Redneck Haiku, by Mary Witte: Marriage proposal Was spurned but still appears on Town's water tower. (10:28pm July 14th, 2010)Redneck Haiku, by Mary Witte: Clyde depressed, drinking. Divorce cost alimony and NASCAR tickets. (10:25pm July 14th, 2010)Redneck Haiku, by Mary Witte: Garbage truck driver Gets confused on Bubba's street. What stays and what goes? (10:22pm July 14th, 2010)Redneck Haiku, by Mary Witte: Drunk judges award First place in science fair to Junior's whisky still. (10:17pm July 14th, 2010)Not counting drive time between locations, I sat at my desk for a total of 5 minutes today. While I generally like not being tied to my desk to do my job, today it means I get to go back to the office for a few hours to catch up. (7:54pm July 14th, 2010)misplaced my keys :( (11:28pm July 13th, 2010)Great night's sleep! Okay, Monday, I am read... wha.....? Oh, it's Tuesday? Darnit! (7:14am July 13th, 2010)MH dropped off at camp. Visited my very ill grandfather, reconnected with extended family and had a road trip with my sister. What's next? Three hours of therapy. Oh, no, not that... see, I'm the therapist... (3:20pm July 12th, 2010)Almost home... (1:45pm July 12th, 2010) Getting on the road... First stop, coffee! (5:30am July 11th, 2010)Road trip tomorrow! Taking MH to Amarillo to attend camp. Along for the ride: Jada Rhodes, my delightful sister. We get to visit my grandfather and multiple Starbucks franchises along the way! Yay roadtrips! (12:03am July 11th, 2010)All done with work! Time for family! (5:14pm July 10th, 2010)Twogether in Texas 8 hour marathon... Begin! (9:02am July 10th, 2010)Commitment is making a choice to give up other choices. (12:55am July 10th, 2010)Revenge! Sweet revenge! That's what happens when you have four amazing sister's...and a wife who knows the password for the phone...! (9:13pm July 9th, 2010)New verb: I had a client who joked about being my stalker... She said ,"I mean I don't want to What-about-bob you...". Hahaha (8:29pm July 9th, 2010)wonders if his required paperwork was a Facebook game, if he would be able to get it finished in a timely manner... (3:50pm July 9th, 2010)Got no-showed today, but we'd scheduled to meet at DQ, so at least I got to have a Blizzard. (10:20pm July 7th, 2010)Ethan and MH have an insulin pump called an Omnipod. The 'pod' has a smooth surface and lately they've wanted to use Sharpies to draw on the pod before affixing it to their sites. Ethan let me draw a dragon on his. I drew Trogdor! I feel cool. :) (10:16pm July 6th, 2010)On July 6th, 1996, Amelia answered that fateful question by telling me, "Adieu". No, wait, I mean she said , "I do"! Happy 14 years, baby. (8:24am July 6th, 2010)Bill & Ted had it right: Be excellent to each other. (12:00am July 6th, 2010)Had a great day off :) Back to the grind tomorrow. (9:50pm July 5th, 2010)It is strangely quiet in the house... Oh yeah, Ele is stating the night with Luz... (9:45pm July 4th, 2010)Baptism today! Another citizen celebrating freedom in Christ! Hallelujah! (9:54am July 4th, 2010)Went to the fireworks show at Clyde Lake. Pretty decent show, considering. Happy Independence Day, America. (11:26pm July 3rd, 2010)Imagines that heaven will be periods of profound worship in the presence of the almighty punctuated by fellowship which includes food similar to what we are eating for dinner tonight. Mesquite smoked steak and fixins... Yum! (6:13pm July 3rd, 2010)Parade, yardwork, errands and now, happy hour at Sonic. Yay slushes! (2:59pm July 3rd, 2010)Discovered "minute to win it" and thinks that these games would make for a fun competition at camp... (10:11pm July 2nd, 2010)Simply doesn't understand why prescriptions for conditions like type 1 diabetes expire. It is not as if the condition is going to improve. No, before you reply, I really do understand that there are tons of good reasons... I just find it inconvenient when it happens to me. (5:51pm July 2nd, 2010)Has Monday off, without having to use PTO. woo hoo! (5:00pm July 2nd, 2010)It is Friday, payday, and a holiday weekend. Why won't my funk go away? (7:41am July 2nd, 2010)Me: "It's that time of the month again..." Co-worker: "What time is that?" Me: "The beginning..." Why is there always too much month left over at the end of the money? (1:49pm July 1st, 2010)is listening to the Word of the Lord from the book of Matthew. (8:11pm June 30th, 2010)A man asked his neighbor if he could borrow a rope. "Sorry," said the neighbor, "I'm using it to tie up some water." "That doesn't make any sense! Rope can't tie up water!" came the reply. The neighbor responded,"Well, when you don't want to do a thing, one excuse is as good as another." (10:33pm June 29th, 2010) Question of the day: How are you inviting me to respond to you with your behavior toward me? In other words: although we are not responsible for how people choose to respond to us, we often invite certain reactions based on OUR OWN way of being toward a person. (3:30pm June 29th, 2010)Monday? Go away. I did you yesterday. Let's move on. (10:56am June 29th, 2010)Is lying in bed, awash in cool, temperature regulated air. Ahhhhh. Yay for A/C! (10:54pm June 28th, 2010)Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. (11:11pm June 27th, 2010)At Red Robin with the fam. Yum! (12:51pm June 27th, 2010)What a great week. In addition to getting paid to hang out with some great kids, I also got to hang out with my OWN kids. All week long! We had a blast! Yay quality time (and getting paid while doing it!) (11:02pm June 25th, 2010)Had his A game on all week and is going to see the A-Team tonight with Ethan and @Trey Gibson. (5:34pm June 25th, 2010)really wants a plate of "Cheese Fries" from Outback Steakhouse... anyone want to treat me? (3:56pm June 25th, 2010)Civ V? Rock on! And a Civ Facebook app? I'll be looking for it... (2:15am June 25th, 2010)Kabir- I had to seek the Physician because of the pain this world caused me. I could not believe what happened when I got there - I found my Teacher. Before I left, he said, "up for a little homework, yet?" "Okay," I replied. "Well then, try thanking all the people who have caused you pain. They helped you come to me." (10:43pm June 24th, 2010)Kabir- I felt in need of a great pilgrimage, so I sat still for three days and God came to me. (10:39pm June 24th, 2010)Thinks it is interesting that the Google: Droid commercials have to list Lucasfilm LTD as the trademark holder for the word "Droid" for their new phone. (11:41pm June 23rd, 2010)Lie to Me* (10:49pm June 23rd, 2010)Feels frazzled. (12:57pm June 23rd, 2010)Watching Gran Turino. Compelling movie. (11:59pm June 22nd, 2010)Needs a nap before bedtime... (6:05pm June 22nd, 2010)Is buying Super Unleaded for 2.49 at HEB. Nice. (4:56pm June 21st, 2010)Day camp, day 1: Success! (12:26pm June 21st, 2010)Gets to hang out with his kiddos every morning this week! (8:24am June 21st, 2010)BEST camp. T minus 9 hours... (12:38am June 21st, 2010)Wishes fathers everywhere enjoy this day and consider how their role to their children reflects the Father in heaven. (1:05am June 20th, 2010)MH is home! Thanks, Marcia. (9:30pm June 19th, 2010)Adventure is out there! (8:17pm June 19th, 2010)Yardwork Saturday! :) (11:37am June 19th, 2010)Is dating a married woman. That is right, I made a date with Amelia for Saturday! (3:12pm June 18th, 2010) MH comes home tomorrow. (8:18am June 18th, 2010)is on fire today! Much better day than Wednesday! (9:35pm June 17th, 2010)Answer: all over Abilene. Question: Where does jeff have to be this morning? (10:08am June 17th, 2010)I went to the card store to buy a card that expressed how I feel when you're not around. There was an entire section devoted to what I was looking for... the sign above it read: Empty inside. (awwww....) (12:39am June 17th, 2010)puts the final signature on a file. Closed! Done! To his horror and dismay, he turns to his inbox, which has been occupied by a trans-dimensional ever-reproducing pile of demonic paperwork! *sigh * (4:47pm June 16th, 2010)hates... H.A.T.E.S. paperwork. *sigh * (3:56pm June 16th, 2010)Time to get around to servicing a flat tire at Wal-mart: 45-60 minutes. Time spent waiting at General Tire: 15 seconds. (9:05am June 16th, 2010)In all things, God works. (12:33am June 16th, 2010)Walking outside, I find myself at the business end of a stick Ethan has pointed at me. "Surrender or die!" he commands. Playing along, I put my hands in the air and say ,"I give up!". Ethan replies ,"It's only a stick, dad..." (8:13pm June 15th, 2010)Missing MH... (12:22pm June 15th, 2010)Looking at the dark skies this morning, leftovers from the all-night deluge, Ele asks Ethan this morning, "What if there are tornadoes? You know how God makes tornadoes? He puts his finger in the clouds and stirs them up." Ethan: "Yeah, they get all swirled up and then the hot air starts fighting with the cold air and they get all spinny." - LOVE IT! (11:33am June 15th, 2010)Words with friends accepted "snaw" as a word(48 pts!). So I decided to look it up and discovered, to my delight, wikipedia... in Scottish! http://sco.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snaw Great fun to read aloud. (6:43am June 15th, 2010)My baby just woke me up to say good-bye as she and Amelia head to camp. Have a great time and be safe, MH! (sheesh, I'm already worried... Does this get easier?) (6:33am June 15th, 2010)Any other iPhone/iTouch users discovered Carcassonne yet? Send me an invite when you do... jde95f@gmail.com (3:32pm June 14th, 2010)If I claim Christ then Christ also claims me. Where, then, did I get the notion that my time belongs to me; that my money belongs to me; that my life belongs to me... Do they not all belong to the God who ransomed me by the blood of his Son? (11:22am June 13th, 2010)is helping a friend develop a profile on eHarmony! Fun! (9:07pm June 12th, 2010)Another day of shooting people. Using a camera, of course... :) (9:53am June 12th, 2010)made it through another week! Praise the Lord! (5:02pm June 11th, 2010)doesn't understand the thinking behind designing the stall door on a bathroom stall to open INTO the stall. Dumb, dumb, dumb. (1:21pm June 11th, 2010)Given that relationships are complex and, at times, messy... Would you consider yourself to be skilled at being in relaitonship with others? (11:28pm June 9th, 2010)Got stung by a bee! Ouch! (7:23pm June 9th, 2010)Is going swimming! Yay summer! (6:06pm June 9th, 2010)was moderately productive tonight. (9:36pm June 8th, 2010)needs a nap. (12:07pm June 8th, 2010)Night, all! (2:56am June 8th, 2010) is working on the blog entry for his sneaky practical joke. hee hee... (12:58am June 8th, 2010)Is happy, having just found an iPhone app: Carcassone! Rock on! (10:51pm June 7th, 2010)Just for a while, try blaming your good behavior on some one else the way you might blame, say, a bad attitude on a ungrateful friend. Try it and let me know what happens. (6:06pm June 7th, 2010)Mission accomplished! (10:26am June 7th, 2010)The game is afoot! (6:36am June 7th, 2010)is putting his sneaky, mischievious self to bed so he can be sneaky again tomorrow, but also safe and not drowsy... (1:51am June 7th, 2010)Is being sneaky and mischievous... (4:10pm June 6th, 2010)Sunday repast at Harvest Moon. Yum! (12:32pm June 6th, 2010)Everything matters. (11:25am June 6th, 2010)Good night, FB. Sleep well, I'll most likely have to kill you in the morning. (name that movie...) (2:55am June 6th, 2010)got to field test his new camera by helping shoot a wedding today! It was awesome, had lots of fun and shot some great photos. Thanks to Am for letting me spend all day playing with my new toy! (11:50pm June 5th, 2010)Highly amused at Ethan's insistence on buying "how to train your dragon" underwear at the store. Inappropriate innuendo runs rampant in my head. (9:56pm June 3rd, 2010)"One of our dominant, almost unexamined fictions is that we are not responsible for our emotions. We erroneously believe they are caused in us by events outside our control. This dogma (that we are not responsible for our emotions) is at the core of every self-betrayer's self-deception." (What We Are via the Arbinger Institute) (1:45pm June 3rd, 2010)Got his new Olympus E-volt e620 today! (8:17pm June 2nd, 2010)Is watching a storm front roll across town from 11 stories high in the Enterprise building. Pretty cool looking from this viewpoint. (4:21pm June 2nd, 2010)Introducing friends to Big Bang Theory is the bomb! (10:38pm June 1st, 2010)Ready to knock out loads of paperwork. (8:22am June 1st, 2010)Arrived home to a miracle. The house was clean. Not just clean, but organized and orderly, like we didn't even live there! Ha! Thanks, Debi Ray and Sarah Ray! (9:26pm May 31st, 2010)The Emerys are home. (8:42pm May 31st, 2010)Eating and early dinner at Cotton Patch in Wichita Falls. Yum! (5:24pm May 31st, 2010)Is playing Munchkin with Amelia and friends! (10:10pm May 30th, 2010)Went bowling with the Waides, Cokers, Rehemels, and Hugabooms! Fun, fun. (4:59pm May 30th, 2010)Is getting ready to worship the Lord God @ North Garland in Enid, OK. (8:42am May 30th, 2010)Is in Enid! (7:15pm May 29th, 2010)Goin' to look at cameras. :) (10:39am May 29th, 2010) Watched The Princess and the Frog this morning. Great show. (10:34am May 29th, 2010)Grrr. Ethan is a bit sick and having high BG and keytones. (1:10am May 29th, 2010)Hangin' with the Stewarts tonight. (9:54pm May 28th, 2010)Update: MH and Ethan's checkup went well. Made some adjustments to their basal insulin rates on their pumps. Ele was a trooper! They took a few thousand gallons of blood over two hours of the Glucose Tolerance Test and we should get the results in a few weeks. This was *not* to tell us if she is diabetic or not... it is part of research trials to develop predictors of who is likely to develop Type 1. (4:49pm May 28th, 2010)Appts are over... Now for Ted's! (12:12pm May 28th, 2010)On the way to an early morning visit to our Endo in OKC. Keep Ele in your prayers as she will undergo a glucose tolerance test. (6:27am May 28th, 2010)In the car, kids were watching "Hook", I was listening. The part where Peter remembers how to fly by getting his happy thought is playing. I ask the kids, "What was Peter Pan's happy thought?" MH answered, "That he's a daddy!". Me, too, kiddo. You should see my heart soar... (11:04pm May 27th, 2010)Resting my head in the Stewart household. Must sleep. Dr appts early in OKC. Night, all. (11:01pm May 27th, 2010)What did the rain smell like before there was warm asphalt? (9:25pm May 27th, 2010)Now entering Soonerland. (8:53pm May 27th, 2010)Rushed back from Brownwood to meet my 530... Murphy's law says they'll no-show... (5:32pm May 26th, 2010)exhausted... (3:26pm May 26th, 2010)doesn't know how he managed to do it, but when he logged into Pandora, he was shocked to find that he had a "Lil' Wayne" station. *Delete* (12:43am May 26th, 2010)always finding new and exciting ways to procrastinate... (10:56pm May 25th, 2010)Hmmm. Weekend checklist: mow yard, attend recital, laundry, clean & vacuum house, catch a nap, post pics of recital. Now to watch a movie with my hunny and share some popcorn! (9:39pm May 23rd, 2010)just woke up from a two hour nap... On a Sunday afternoon! That hasn't happened around these parts for nigh on five years... (5:19pm May 23rd, 2010)At Chili's having a post-ballet-recital celebration with their "Molten Chocolate Cake" (10:33pm May 22nd, 2010)is looking forward to Ele's ballet recital tonight. Look for pics tomorrow. :) (12:05pm May 22nd, 2010)Had a great day and is in charge of dinner tonight. Woo hoo for Hobo Dinners! (6:59pm May 21st, 2010)had a time warp experience (the good kind, not the Rocky Horror Picture Show kind). Ran into a kid from my youth group 15 years ago.... He's married and a productive member of society. I'm looking forward to having lunch with him soon to catch up. (2:23pm May 19th, 2010)Got to get out of my box... (10:39am May 19th, 2010)Frustration this morning... (10:24am May 19th, 2010)Disaster! MH's brand new iPod nano got dropped in the parking lot and shattered the screen. She just got it for her birthday last Saturday. She feels so bad, but we have a plan... (9:56pm May 18th, 2010)Having a Cajun Cone with my boy= awesome. (8:30pm May 18th, 2010)Went to a CEU presentation on Dual Relationships and Professional Ethics. What we didn't talk about was the Duel relationships that couples have, sometimes in session! (1:49pm May 18th, 2010) Whew! Hey fellow therapists, ever finish a session and think to yourself:"Man, I really earned that last hour..."? (5:39pm May 17th, 2010)Paperwork on a Sunday night... 'cause I'm not motivated enough to do it on a Friday... (12:07am May 17th, 2010)Can score higher than a "D" on DDR. Sigh. (7:28pm May 16th, 2010)... And this is how I choose to live: as if I'm jumping off a cliff, knowing that you'll save me, 'cause you've already saved me... (11:36am May 16th, 2010)My house is full of love! (6:07pm May 14th, 2010)Ready to get all my paperwork closed out... then birthday party! (11:59am May 14th, 2010)Friday is a day for meetings... sigh... (8:53am May 14th, 2010)Is eating yogurt at the police station. Interesting start to my Friday. (7:21am May 14th, 2010)Loves that his best friends (even my best male buddies) end our telephone coversations by saying, "I love you". (11:24pm May 13th, 2010)Less than 24 hours till ravenous hordes of pre teen girls descend on our home to spend the night for MH's birthday. I'm at wal mart, stocking up on supplies... (9:42pm May 13th, 2010)Is about to try KFC's double down. (12:39pm May 13th, 2010)Is having his eyes checked. (9:47am May 13th, 2010)Is getting a week's worth of sodium intake from his sunflower seeds. (3:28pm May 12th, 2010)Theory: There is a significant difference between 'punishment' and 'correction'. However most people tend to think of the two are synonymous. Your thoughts? (8:23pm May 11th, 2010)helping Ethan learn to ride his bike was the highlight of my day. (7:36pm May 11th, 2010)is feeling unproductive. (1:05pm May 11th, 2010)...must go to work... have..to..be productive...(insert primal scream here) (7:59am May 11th, 2010)Does anyone like James Patterson's writing? How did he get so popular? Can he write a chapter that is longer than three pages? (12:46am May 11th, 2010)Is awake. It is a start. (7:15am May 10th, 2010)Read "The Magician's Elephant" by Kate DiCamillo. A seemingly light children's tale but full of profound themes and ideas about life and relationships, duty and forgiveness. Highly recommended. (10:03pm May 9th, 2010)Gave his wife the gift of silence this afternoon... Took the kids out so Am could nap. (4:10pm May 9th, 2010)Is making his famous French Toast for a special couple of ladies. (Am-for mother's day, and MH for her birthday) (7:49am May 9th, 2010)Good Saturday. :) (11:23pm May 8th, 2010)Got to see Iron Man 2 with Clinton Jake Morgan last night. It was a great sequel, good character development, plenty of action, great special effects and the setup for the upcoming Avengers movie. ERS: 3 stars. (1:01pm May 8th, 2010)Watching "The Neverending Story" with the family. Ethan is enthralled. (10:01pm May 7th, 2010) Is having a picnic lunch with Ele in our tree house. We have been visited by a "cap-i-tiller" Ele has dubbed 'James'. (12:29pm May 7th, 2010)It is Friday. It is payday. I have the day off of work. Recipie for greatness, folks. (7:52am May 7th, 2010)My day: 830 meeting, 10 am no showed by client, 11 supervision cancelled, 12 meeting, 1 pm got a .25 cent raise at a job I do very rarely, 2 pm crisis call, 3 pm pick up kids then rush to a 4 pm intake, 5 pm client kid who ended up refusing help, 6pm no show. And I'm missing out on mini golf with my family. Life: 5, Jeff: 2. (6:35pm May 6th, 2010)new blog post: http://jde95f.blogspot.com/2010/05/do-you-see-what-i-see.html Posted in status feed because FB doesn't seem to be importing my blog atm... hmmm... (2:04am May 5th, 2010)has noticed that he feels grumpy recently. Has anyone else noticed this? Serious replies only, pls. (9:13am May 4th, 2010)is mourning the loss of Amelia's Ford Escort, which blew a head gasket yesterday evening. The family asks that in lieu of flowers, memorial gifts be donated to the "We need a new car" fund. Thank you, that is all. (8:45am May 4th, 2010)Darnit if there aren't some things you just shouldn't post online.... even if they are really funny. *sigh* (4:15pm May 2nd, 2010)Reading a Deaver novel. Protagonist seems like a take off from 'Lie to me' (9:32am May 2nd, 2010)once rescued an Amazon village from certain devastation by a voracious nest of flesh eating ants using only a glass of water and a hairbrush. Impressive, eh? (7:57pm May 1st, 2010)Sitting at a par 3 where folders can pay $5 to win 10k if they make a hole in one. Tension is high! (9:24am May 1st, 2010)It is for a good cause... (7:54pm April 30th, 2010)The Arbinger Institute: We can't feel justified in withholding kindness from others unless we find, or invent, some reason why we think they deserve it. (10:20am April 30th, 2010)"We cling to the belief that if we hold a person up, he will get strong. But strength develops when one stands on his own."- Elizabeth Brown. (7:33am April 30th, 2010)"You cannot solve a problem using the same level of thinking that caused it." - A. Einstein. In other words, you must be willing not only to do something differently, you must be willing to think about the situation differently. (11:31pm April 29th, 2010)"No one has the power to define you but you.". Not sure I agree with this one... Perhaps it should be 'No one *should* have the power...' (11:21pm April 29th, 2010)"What you avoid controls you." -Elizabeth Brown (11:07pm April 29th, 2010)got no-showed by the same person twice in one day, at the school and the home. *sigh* Time to implement my policy of "Don't work harder than your client." If they want to come in, they can come to the office when I am available... (5:56pm April 29th, 2010)Oh, Hulu queue, I have neglected you. I'm sorry... it is just that Netflix hussy has moved into my Wii, and I've been spending my night watching Bones, season one. I'll make time for you soon... (9:27am April 29th, 2010)Apparently, you can't go crazy by yourself, you have to be driven there... (7:20pm April 28th, 2010)Had a fantastic weekend, but is not looking forward to long hours of work this week and coming weekend. (9:00am April 26th, 2010)looking at working till after 8pm every night this week except Wednesday. Bleh... (11:39pm April 25th, 2010)is content. (12:57am April 25th, 2010)Yay! Papa is grilling for dinner! (5:48pm April 24th, 2010)tired. tru dat. Night. (12:08am April 24th, 2010)Why doesn't an flippin' expensive program like Final Cut PRO *NOT* recognize mpeg2 format? Who fell asleep the day they made sure they were compatible with common formats?!? (11:31pm April 23rd, 2010) Just enjoyed a fireworks show from his back yard. Apparently there was an event at HSU. Fantastic show. Props to the planners. (9:27pm April 23rd, 2010)First Friday in a while that I haven't been already living in the Monday to come.... allowing myself to enjoy being home... Am's homemade manicotti for dinner, some housecleaning, kids want to stay up late watching a movie. Thank you, Lord, for a relaxing Friday. (8:07pm April 23rd, 2010)Looking through the mail, I found irony in the name of the Student Loan Repayment program: Checkmate II: Make your student loan payment automatically.... That's right, the program to allow you to make student loan payments is called "Checkmate". Game over? (6:42pm April 23rd, 2010)headed to ACS to watch the play!!! (11:52am April 23rd, 2010)Had a great morning at ACS taking pics and experiencing the singing and presentations. Looking forward to seeing Ethan star as "Jack" in the 1st grade performance of 'Jack and the Beanstalk' (10:51am April 23rd, 2010)Bluebonnet Plague! Check out my photos.... (7:13am April 23rd, 2010)is working on Bluebonnet Pictures.... (8:48pm April 22nd, 2010)Took family Bluebonnet pictures this afternoon. Hope I find some time to post some of them soon... (2:13am April 22nd, 2010)watched several episodes of season 1 of "Bones" on my Wii tonight, via Netflix. I was moderately impressed with the setup... (11:42pm April 20th, 2010)After trying to clean cooked on grease from the bottom of a pan, I'm wondering why they can't coat the OUTSIDE of the pan with the same high-temperature non-stick coating.... (11:32pm April 19th, 2010)Came home to a dinner of seasoned chicken with spinach and rice, tzatziki, feta cheese, fresh bread and Greek salad. Yay Amelia! (8:59pm April 19th, 2010)Thinking of OKC 15 years ago... (10:53am April 19th, 2010)Is enjoying Netflix online and waiting for his disc to stream video to his Nintendo Wii.... (12:52am April 19th, 2010)This morning, Am said ,"The tear in the bottom of the screen door is now officially large enough to be a cat door." Yipee! (9:47am April 18th, 2010)...and then there was the lawyer who named his child Mea Culpa.... (12:24am April 18th, 2010)Had a fantastic day because I was with my kids all day: road trip, barbecue, games, horses, Dr Pepper museum and lots of picture taking! (6:29pm April 17th, 2010)To change the way you feel about a person, you must first change the way you see that individual. (1:09am April 17th, 2010)Amelia is reading "Little House on the Prairie" to the kids. Pa is building the cabin and he dropped a log on Ma's foot. Ethan and Ele both sat up in concern for her wellbeing until Am finshed the page, revealing only a sprain. I love family reading time. (9:12pm April 15th, 2010)Relationship management flows from empathy about other's emotions, which flows from management of your own emotions, which flows from awareness of your own emotions and how they cause you to behave. (5:29pm April 15th, 2010)God, bless my children today. Help them to know that they are loved, not just by me, but by you. (8:19am April 15th, 2010)When you see me in the morning I won't be the person you knew yesterday. Who will I be? I don't know, but I'm on my way... (12:13am April 15th, 2010)Me, to a mom "quit responding to what he's saying and respond to how he is feeling. See if that makes a difference..." (12:36pm April 14th, 2010)Bluebonnets somehow make the weekly drive to Brownwood better. (9:33am April 14th, 2010)Found on the web: "note to self: flammable and inflammable mean the same thing". Haha. Wonder what prompted that revelation? (7:54pm April 13th, 2010)is seriously considering blocking/hiding all Zoo World notifications. I love my friends, but find the constant updates on my feed very distracting. (11:00am April 13th, 2010) My friends are hurting, Lord. It doesn't affect me, but I hurt for my friends. Be the God of all comfort that you have promised to be and allow me to comfort them with comfort I have recieved from you. (11:10pm April 12th, 2010)Ready for the end of the day, but not able to make it happen for a few more hours. Think I'll take a 5 minute break to talk with my bro, Jesus. (4:11pm April 12th, 2010)House was wrong, sometimes it IS Lupus, just not on his show. (4:07pm April 12th, 2010)wonders what settings have changed on FB that keep him from being able to post new, original comments on some people's walls. I can comment on other people's comments, but not post new wall comments. Odd... (9:24am April 12th, 2010)Good morning, Monday. I know we've had issues in the past, but I'm willing to overlook them and try to work WITH you today. Let's see what we can accomplish... (8:30am April 12th, 2010)At the zoo, in the reptile house. Ethan is practicing his parseltongue with a pit viper. (1:23pm April 10th, 2010)Picnic, zoo, photo ops, spending the day with my family = awesome. (10:08am April 10th, 2010)protests Tom Papa's assertion that the panelists on "The Marriage Ref" are 'experts'. They are panelists or perhaps entertainers... but marriage experts? Let me see their credentials... (1:30am April 10th, 2010)Watching "The Marriage Ref" on Hulu.com. Looking for what not to do in therapy sessions... (10:31pm April 9th, 2010)was just given a bandana by Ethan. I put it on my head, gangsta style and was promptly told, "Dad! That is *not* how a cowboy wears a bandana!" (9:47pm April 9th, 2010)is using active voice in his case notes. Took some correction and changing sentences so they did not end in prepositions, but case note grammar is up to par. Thanks, Mrs. Hamilton. (9:40am April 9th, 2010)is using active voice in his case notes. Took some correction and changing sentences so they did not end in prepositions, but case note grammar is up to par. Thanks, Mrs. Hamilton. (9:23am April 9th, 2010)It is impossible to truly love another without first loving oneself. (8:46am April 9th, 2010)It is impossible to dehumanize another without dehumanizing oneself. (10:42pm April 8th, 2010)So much to get done today and so little Thursday to do it in... (10:49am April 8th, 2010)is eating Fried Rice and Chicken with chopsticks and watching Hulu... nice. (9:51pm April 7th, 2010)Can you understand the difference in these two phrases: "I can't do that, my dad would kill me!" vs. "I can't do that, it would kill my dad..." (5:16pm April 6th, 2010)When we are obsessed with ourselves, we have little sensitivity for other people; we're far too insecure to love freely. So other people respond to us in ways that confirm our fears and anxieties. - The way we are (Arbinger Institute) (12:53pm April 6th, 2010)Is on his way to do a presentation on child abuse prevention to 3rd grade. (9:56am April 6th, 2010)On a scale of 1 to Crazy, I'm penguin! Happy Monday, everyone. (9:30am April 5th, 2010)Modern Family: Romance between Phil and his Apple iPad. Me gusto mucho. Made me laugh. (10:44pm April 4th, 2010)Working on LTC pics. Stay Tuned. (3:53pm April 4th, 2010)1) happy Easter 2)no ltc practice today - there's a nap for that 3) how to train your dragon... I am going looking for tips on what to do with my kids... (12:20pm April 4th, 2010)I just Topeka'd myself! (1:36pm April 1st, 2010)has accepted a job as a Youth Minister for Minter Lane! (7:46am April 1st, 2010) If we accept that we can't *make* anyone behave a certain way toward us, how do we invite people to treat us the way we want to be treated? (10:47pm March 31st, 2010)is so proud of all of the Minter Lane Kids and adults who are involved in LTC and made tonight's LTC showcase a success! (8:49pm March 31st, 2010)Irony: up late doing paperwork and I turn on Pandora.com and Barenaked Ladies' "Who needs sleep" comes on. (12:20am March 31st, 2010)Amelia, sitting in her recliner, picks up a Peep (marshmallow goodness, folks), stares at it for a moment, then bites off its head. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!", she cries, imitating Peepish terror. Then, in a mysterious voice she intones, "It is murder most foul (fowl)." and proceeds to laugh uncontrollably. And y'all wonder where our kids get it.... (10:01pm March 30th, 2010)Several ways of conveying the same idea: 1) In general, people respond more to your Way of Being than to how you do things. 2)You can get away with a lot if you have the right relationship. 3) I don't care what you know until I know that you care. 4) Love covers a multitude of sins. (10:02pm March 29th, 2010)Almost caught up with my Hulu queue. (12:51am March 27th, 2010)Ethan's ingenious way of streamlining the morning routine: He sleeps in his morning clothes so when he gets out of bed, he is already dressed! One day when he is older, I'll talk to him about wrinkles.... lol. (7:26am March 26th, 2010)Modern Family, Phil: "Don't fight it, hon. 'Mother' is part of the word. You never hear of someone being sfathered to death." (10:52pm March 25th, 2010)9 year old kid in one of my sessions today, upon inspecting my facial hair, points to the area under his lip and asks, "Do you think I'm growing any puberty right here?" I managed to hold it together and not laugh at him, which is better than his parents did. (5:50pm March 25th, 2010)unconsciously took a 'not knowing' stance in a conversation with his wife today. Good therapeutic technique, but it turns out that "I'm not sure what that means. What does that look like for you?" is a trigger phrase for Amelia. She let me know that she doesn't like it. heh. (1:24pm March 25th, 2010)Ethan had difficulty today in class. Amelia called me and we agreed to have a sit-down talk with him before bed. Amelia complains that I therapize too much with the kids and need to be more "parental". So, at one point in my ... ahem... discipline intervention, Ethan says, "Dad, you've talked so much tonight that MY jaw hurts." Amelia shook with silent mirth in the background. (9:51pm March 24th, 2010)Stuck in brownwood for a bit longer. Sigh. (5:41pm March 24th, 2010)ready for bed.... ZZZzzzzzz...... (12:44am March 24th, 2010)is getting his Chuck on, on Hulu. I'm addicted. (10:04pm March 23rd, 2010)The Marriage Ref: Madonna, "Your misogyny knows no bounds." Ha! (11:10pm March 22nd, 2010)is loved abundantly more than he deserves. (7:53pm March 22nd, 2010)Day off = productive? Remains to be seen. (2:23pm March 22nd, 2010)Got up this morning and made French Toast for the fam for breakfast. Yum! (10:38am March 22nd, 2010)Grrr.... someone stole a box of T-shirts from my car overnight. Called APD and filed a report, but not much can be done unless the turn up. Lock your cars if you leave them outside overnight. Nefarious doings happen overnight on the Hill. (4:01pm March 20th, 2010)*crickets chirp* Oh, Office you are so quiet today. Wait... I can hear hulu.com in the background while I type. I'm saved! (10:11am March 19th, 2010)Went 10 for 16 on the games last night, but since I never follow sports, is that bad or good? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? (9:50am March 19th, 2010)Hello, quiet office. Will you help me be productive today? (9:43am March 19th, 2010)Just got a sweet call from his little sister. Praise God for good relationships with family. I love my sisters! (2:45pm March 18th, 2010)80% of the show "Lost" is the characters wandering around in the jungle from place to place. (7:56pm March 17th, 2010)I stopped returning "pokes" on FB about a year ago. How is everyone else doing with this feature? (2:21am March 17th, 2010) I dislike labels, except on soup cans. (1:54am March 17th, 2010)Oreos + Milk at 12:11am = Win for taste buds and gratification. Also = how to lose a weight loss bet with one's sister... (12:12am March 17th, 2010)At the Dr. today, Ethan was told that another T1 boy told the Dr. that he doesn't call it "Di"abetes, he calls it, "Live-abetes". Ethan said "Oh, he meant like, DIE! (feigned stabbing himself in the heart and fell to the floor" The Doctor said, "Um, yeah." as related by Amelia. Oh, Ethan has Strep. *sigh* (11:08pm March 16th, 2010)I told a friend that I wanted to see "Alice in Wonderland" with Amelia. The look I got back told me that I'd miscommunicated. What my friend heard me say was, "I'd like to get some Cialis in Wonderland with Amelia" My comment went from a date with my wife to problems with ED and or some illicit drugs in 5 seconds... (7:02pm March 16th, 2010)Dear Tuesday, thanks for not being so lousy, but did you have to be so busy that I couldn't get any paperwork done? (6:59pm March 16th, 2010)Finds some things to be positively prosaic! (2:17pm March 16th, 2010)Dear Monday, I have to admit you disappointed me. Didn't Sunday tell you what a great day we had? Why did you have to go get gloomy and rainy? It seems that your mood has rubbed off on Tuesday as well. Let's get the act together and see if the rest of the week could be happier, k? (10:28am March 16th, 2010)me+hulu.com = catching up on new episodes, but not sleeping. (10:38pm March 13th, 2010)is on the road to San Antonio... (5:58pm March 10th, 2010)TAMFT is in San Antonio this week. Have fun learning about the Neuroscience of relationships. Doesn't that just get you all hot and bothered? Ha! I must be a therapy geek cause I'm really looking forward to it. (5:32pm March 9th, 2010)Enjoy the sunshine, Abilenians! (10:10am March 9th, 2010)Conferences, meetings and seminars, Oh, My! Busy week ahead... (10:30am March 8th, 2010)... and the award goes to... Jeff Emery! (cheers and applause) Jeff, "Thank you, everyone. This award is the culmination of a lifelong dream. People who deserve to share in this honor are too numerous to mention and I'm sure I'll miss some, but here goes....(mic cuts out because his 15 seconds of talk time are up and the show cuts to commercial). (11:13pm March 7th, 2010)Ready to settle in for the night... welrusten, FB. (10:11pm March 6th, 2010)Paperwork on Saturday is blech, but going to the park with the fam is Woot! (3:44pm March 6th, 2010)Just watched "The Marriage Ref" on Hulu(dot)com and actually enjoyed it. MH had a lot of questions about what they were fighting about and actually had some good suggestions about how to resolve their arguments that were right on point! Way to go, MH. (10:39pm March 5th, 2010)Do I want to be like Christ or do I really want Jesus to be a bit more like me? (8:41pm March 3rd, 2010)EOM stuff is tedious, but necessary to keep bloodthirsty bureaucrats at bay. (3:49pm March 1st, 2010)It is SNOWING again in Abilene. From the 11th floor of the Enterprise building, it is very pretty. (2:25pm March 1st, 2010)Listening to: Wonderful by Everclear. (1:43pm March 1st, 2010)Ran late, missed breakfast, fussed at the kids for being slow, arrived 5 minutes late for my 8am, client called at 8:13 to cancel and apologize for not showing up. Hi, Monday. You showed up rainy and set a tone for the day. (8:34am March 1st, 2010)is exhausted. Did I do too much this weekend... or did I just stay up too late last night watching TV and goofing off? Probably both. (6:25pm February 28th, 2010)LTC stuff tomorrow... hope everyone has been working on their stuff.... (11:26pm February 27th, 2010)Had a fantastic day. Got to go roller skating with the whole family and some friends. Shopped for groceries (and saved $17 with coupons and had rotisserie chicken (it was delicious). Kids are taking baths... about to make brownies... good day. :) (8:26pm February 27th, 2010)Skies are blue, roads are clear... guess I have to make the trip to Brownwood. Ah, work travel. (9:58am February 24th, 2010) Paperwork: a necessary evil. (8:29pm February 22nd, 2010)There's a brand new day coming... too soon. Time to sleep. (10:59pm February 18th, 2010)Love is being willing to value the other person and also being unwilling to devalue the other-Everett Worthington. (11:11pm February 13th, 2010)Drowning in debt and credit card usury, I cry out. The Lord reminds me through the Spirit that I am rich beyond measure, in ways that the world doesn't value. My accountant reminds me to check for EITC when I file. (12:20am February 13th, 2010)Got paid today, both of us, and we're still behind. *sigh* My Friend, Dave Rigsby posted that as of today, he is out of credit card debt. *jealous*, but 'grats, Rigs. (10:52am February 12th, 2010)Catching up on Lost... (11:02pm February 10th, 2010)Ele: Uh-uh! That isn't fair! Ethan: Yes it is! Ele: It doesn't work that way! Ethan: Yes, it does. God beats everything. Ele: Nuh-uh! Ethan: Yes. Now do it again. Ele: 1-2-3... Ethan: Rock, Paper..... GOD! I win. (9:18pm February 9th, 2010)Woo hoo... making up for my lack of blogging in the past few months with back to back posts! http://jde95f.blogspot.com OR just wait for FB to import it. (2:00am February 8th, 2010)Psych: Gus to Shawn: You have never read the Bible, have you? Shawn: Yes! (Ticks off items with his fingers) Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan... Do...the right thing... HA! Great writing. (11:19pm February 7th, 2010)Getting ready for a 7:30 meeting. Who planned this? How did I agree to it? Ugh. (7:13am February 5th, 2010)There are lots of Cons of having the kids have a low blood sugar in the middle of the night, but one Pro is that while we're waiting to check again, I get some great cuddles from my babies... (10:52pm February 4th, 2010)Thinks of the irony of working with adolescents, helping them develop emotional skills that many adults seem to lack; impulse control, not taking on someone else's anxiety, anger management... (11:16pm February 3rd, 2010)Have you heard the news? Sometime this spring, Netflix will start service to allow streaming services to the Nintendo Wii. It isn't HD yet, though. Who wants to bet that Nintendo offers a new console that is HD compliant... Behind the curve when it comes to PS3 and Xbox. (5:30pm February 1st, 2010)Have you ever been irrationally angry at your parents for not fixing something, then as you grew, you came to understand that it was out of their power to fix? (9:14pm January 30th, 2010)If I could convey in words, how delicious it smells in my kitchen right now, you'd invite yourself over for dinner... (7:11pm January 30th, 2010)iPod app reports: 2.62 miles traveled in 38:05 minutes, a 14.32 minute mile; 369 calories burned. Now I need to replenish the calories I burned... where are my M&Ms? (10:32pm January 26th, 2010)Headed out for my walk/jog/run. Will post results upon return. How did people exercise without iPods? /boggle. (9:49pm January 26th, 2010)Workin' late on paperwork. Case notes are easier, but no less time consuming. Bleh. (8:51pm January 26th, 2010)Chillaxin' with my Hulu queue... (9:24pm January 25th, 2010)drowning in busy work. bleh. (9:47am January 25th, 2010)Great guys' night. SW: ROTJ, Popcorn, Brownies, Super Mario Wii and snuggles. Awesome. (12:21am January 23rd, 2010)Okay, I'm back. Sancho reports: 2.66 miles traveled; in 38 minutes (Walking, jogging); burned 380 calories. I should really weigh myself to establish my starting weight. (12:22am January 22nd, 2010)is headed out for another jog... if I keep this up, I might not feel so bad about the M&Ms I ate by the handful.. (11:28pm January 21st, 2010)Loves being in his own house! Blessing from Heaven. (2:22pm January 21st, 2010)"Do I look like a bus? 'Cause I just took you to school!" -Ha! Better off Ted cracks me up. (2:16pm January 21st, 2010) is feeling on top of the world. Lookout paperwork, here I come. (let's hope my afternoon is productive) (1:56pm January 21st, 2010)is restoring his calm by watching mindless media drivel on Hulu.com (9:59pm January 19th, 2010)iPod pedometer reports: 39:04 minutes spent in exercise (walk, jog). Distance: 2.63 miles and a measly 361 calories burned. (1:19am January 19th, 2010)Is going for a jog. (12:31am January 19th, 2010)We had a full house for dinner tonight! I love having a full house: friends, food, fun. Great combo. Thanks for making my night: Matt, Shy, Heather, Matt, Clinton, Timothy. Yay for Amelia and her amazing Mama Mia soup! (11:04pm January 18th, 2010)Trust is not a commodity that you can buy today and have on hand tomorrow. It is something that grows, day by day, with predictability and stability. (9:25pm January 14th, 2010)My brain is mush because of that evil alien plot: Hulu.com. Sigh. Bedtime. (1:18am January 13th, 2010)Ha! Episode 2 of the Bachelor, quote of the show: Rozalyn, on being confronted with news that she is beign kicked off the show for being inapporpriate with a staff member of teh show, "I don't think that my personal life is anybody's business." HELLO! Why are you on teh show? (12:50am January 13th, 2010)I'm now watching a new comedy: The Bachelor. Has anyone else seen it? The premise is that some guy is really, truly, honestly thinking he's going to find true love by vetting 25 shallow women on national TV. Very funny stuff! (11:12pm January 12th, 2010)Finished catching up on Chuck... moving on to Heroes... (10:22pm January 12th, 2010)is catching up on his Chuck. (9:26pm January 12th, 2010)"I hid under your porch because I love you. Can I stay?" - Dug (11:41pm January 11th, 2010)fell asleep cuddling with his son, Ethan last night at 9:30pm. Woke up (late) this morning at 7:20am. Can't believe I slept so long, but MAN! I feel good. (9:15am January 8th, 2010)Better off Ted makes me laugh. hulu.com (12:02am January 7th, 2010)Was pleased in a self-serving kind of way to note that 16 of my FB friends are currently using a Profile Picture that I shot. :) (12:29am January 6th, 2010)Good visit with the Hudsons, now to invite someone else to come visit so we have an excuse to clean house again. (10:34am January 5th, 2010)Yay! Jay is almost here! (4:28pm January 4th, 2010)is scheduling a busy week meeting with clients :)! Yay for jobs. (10:31am January 4th, 2010)has a headache. The first of the new year, the new decade! I'm probably making too much of it, though. (9:37pm January 1st, 2010)

100th Post! Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 06:25:00 +0000

As I logged in to type up this blog, I noticed that it would be #100. So... Woo Hoo! Kinda neat, eh? Now back to the good stuff...

I've been getting ready to present a short seminar on Co-parenting after divorce and I ran across some interesting resources on the net. The most useful one was this site: The Parent Coach Plan. It had good information and some great free resources.

I've been working with a program at a non-profit company that does preventative and crisis intervention counseling with at-risk families for about a year now and I've experienced all sorts of interesting family configurations. It seems like the "traditional family" of Dad, Mom, 2.5 kids and a dog is not only rare nowadays, but is virtually non-existent. More often, I'm working with grandparents raising grandkids, single moms or dads with or without stepkids, a sister who raised her half and step siblings and then found out that she had another brother in foster care who she found and adopted and is raising all while she is trying to start a career, military blended families who are not only dealing with family issues but reverse culture shock as they come back to their home country... 'family' is a very loose term for the people with whom you are in close relationship. Anyhow, I'm processing lots of great information about parents leading me to ask some questions like:

How does one learn to be a good parent? It is not like kids come with a manual, and we all know the jokes about how there is no licensing test to be able to have kids (although there is one to have foster kids...) We pick up from our parents either lessons on how to be a loving, caring parent or lessons on what *we will NEVER do to our own kids*, am I right? :) Sometimes our best examples of parenting aren't found in our own families of origin, but in others that we perceive to 'have it all together'. I'm sure that culture influences us to some extent as well.

What does a good parent look like? What qualities do we strive for as parents? Patience is a key virtue here as well as consistency. Listening skills are important as are general communication skills: say what you mean, be brief, be clear. The ability to create and foster safety and security for our children is important.

Anyhow, one of the resources on the aforementioned website follows this paragraph. I thought it was an interesting exercise and I encourage any parents that read this to fill in the blanks and discover what they can about their own parenting proficiency. Enjoy!

(seeing as I have three children, I'll focus on just my oldest, for brevity's sake)

I AM A ___________________ PARENT.

I am a great parent. I really believe this and don't doubt it. Well, hardly ever. I recognize that there are times when I make decisions that are selfish or self serving, but so far, they have been of little consequence. I feel that I generally try to do the best I can for my children and I feel good about my efforts.

I NEED TO BECOME A MORE ___________PARENT.

I need to become a more present parent. I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with my family. At this point in my career, I'm working many long hours (hey, it is almost 2am now!) trying to get to a point where I don't have to work so hard... pause for irony... Anyhow, I feel that sometimes I've been under pressure (real or imagined) to take on too much responsibility and I miss my family and I know they miss me.

MY CHILD THINKS I AM A ______________PARENT.

My child thinks I am a loving parent. Not a day goes by that I don't tell my children how loved they are, by me, by mommy, by God. We have some rituals about telling and showing our love for each other including singing, hugging and kissing regularly.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD STOP ________________.

I wish my child would stop ... I can't think of anything at the moment. All of the minor annoyances, small disobediences, grumpy mornings... in the grand scheme of things, they don't matter very much and I'm certain they will pass with time as she grows and develops. Even the emotional growing pains that she is undergoing are a marvel to watch and learn from her reactions and feelings about the situation.

I WISH MY CHILD WOULD START ______________.

I wish my child would start being more aware of her influence and how she is influenced by others. It won't bother me if she isn't a 'leader' per se, but I want her to be comfortable with herself and her own decisions to the point that she doesn't feel the pressure to follow the rash decisions of her peers.

I HOPE MY CHILD NEVER _________________.

I hope my child never stops growing or learning. If I can help her be a life long learner... about her environment, about her spirituality, about herself, I think I will have done a good job as a parent.

I NEED TO GIVE MY CHILD MORE _____________.

I need to give my child more love. I believe that she spells it: T-I-M-E.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR WOULD BE BETTER IF _____________.

... if she were to take more ownership for her feelings, but I'd put her in the top 90% of kids her age in her ability to manage her emotions.

MY CHILD'S FRIENDS ARE _________________________.

My child's friends are remarkable. I believe that, as parents, we have cultivated relationships with families who are also remarkable in their values and devotion to God and each other. Modeling good friendships in the parent's lives is important for our children to see. I feel that my child has chosen her friends well and really enjoys those relationships.

MY CHILD MAKES ME PROUD WHEN _________________.

I am proud of my child when she shows good judgment, when she chooses kindness, when she displays a gentleness of spirit, when she uses her wit to make me laugh, when she picks the right thing over the easy thing... I could go on for a long time with this answer...

MY CHILD DISAPPOINTS ME WHEN ___________________.

Really, my biggest disappointments with my child are when my expectations are out of proportion with her development. Meaning that my disappointment with her is usually born from my own failings, not hers.

MY CHILD'S MOOD IS TYPICALLY _____________________.

Cheerful and curious.

MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOR IS TYPICALLY ________________.

Playful and exuberant.

MY CHILD LIKES TO _______________________________.

learn. To read. To ride horses. To spend time with friends. To cuddle. To collect almost anything. To sing. To joke around.... etc, etc...

MY CHILD HATES TO _______________________________.

She hates to stop having fun.

I WANT TO TEACH MY CHILD TO ___________________.

Care for herself so that she can make the most of the opportunities God sets before her.

I PROVIDE A ______________ ENVIRONMENT FOR MY CHILD.

I believe I provide a healthy environment for my child: spiritually, emotionally, physically. There is room to grow and the safety to explore her environment.

MY DISCIPLINE IS _______________________________.

slanted heavily toward helping my child take responsibility for her feelings and behavior.

OUR FAMILY IS ______________________________.

Our family is connected, flexible and strong.

I HOPE THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL ________________.

grow to own the faith that we have planted in her.

I KNOW THAT SOME DAY MY CHILD WILL _____________.

Be a great parent to my grandchildren.

If you repost this survey, please link me or let me know. I'd love to see what others come up with. God bless you!

-jeff

When even "normal" gets overwhelmed...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 04:55:00 +0000

I had a really great day today. Really great. A good day with the family. We attended worship services at the Abilene Mission church, which was a interesting experience for us. Afterwards, we fellowshipped with two great families all afternoon. Great worship, good food, friendship, swimming and even a nap. Not bad for a Sunday!

So why did I get overwhelmed this evening? Because sometimes it all just catches up with you. Let's rewind....
On Friday, we had our quarterly A1C checkup at OU Children's Hosptial. This checkup allows us to get a glimpse of how Mary Hannah's and Ethan's bodies are handling their blood sugars, and consequentially, allows us to know if we need to make adjustments in our Diabetes Management strategy. In general, we feel like we have a handle on how our family copes with this chronic illness that has afflicted my older two children. When people ask us how we deal with Type 1 Diabetes, my response is usually that it has become our 'normal'. Yes, it was traumatic when we got the diagnosis for Ethan. Yes, it was a kick in the pants when we got Mary Hannah's diagnosis. Yes, if I stop and think about it, we are affected everyday in a million small ways by how Diabetes gets to dictate how we go about living our 'normal' everyday lives. But the truth is that most of the time, we don't stop and think about it, we just do it. I asked Amelia recently what she told people when they asked her about our coping strategy. She said something like, "I tell them that we just do it. People usually are pretty sympathetic and say stuff like, 'I don't know how you do it...' and I always just think, 'The options are: you do it, or :your child dies, so you just do it."

Well, I don't know what combination of factors fed into how I was handling things tonight, but I got a little overwhelmed this evening. After a great time today, we got home and I started making some dinner for Ethan and Eleanor (Mary Hannah was spending the night with a friend). Ethan's blood glucose has been high most of the day, and so I opted for a meal with few carbohydrates. See, this is one of the things that I usually don't think about. As a family, we can't just decide what we want to eat based on what we're hungry for, or what we have on hand to cook. We always, always, have to be aware of how what we eat will affect blood sugars. Because Ethan had been running with high BG all day, it indicated to me that for some reason, he was not getting the insulin he needed to process the sugar in his blood. It could have been an occlusion in his pump. It could be that he is getting sick and despite having insulin to cover his BG, his liver could be dumping extra sugar into his blood to help his immune system. It could be that Ethan was sneaking food and not telling us (doubtful). It could be a ton of different things. Anyhow, I figured that a low carb meal would be best, so we had what we call 'homemade lunchables'. Basically: lunch meat (effectively zero carbs), cheese (again, very low carbs), crackers (just a few carbs each), sugar free pudding (just a few carbs) and flavored water drinks (zero carbs). I told Ethan to go ahead and check his BG again before dinner. Turns out, he left his insulin kit at our friend's house. Now, in our case, leaving the insulin kit isn't a big deal if we are at home. We have extra syringes, extra insulin, extra glucometers, extra everything here at the house. But in principle, we're trying to help Ethan grow in his responsibility for managing his diabetes on his own. Part of that is remembering to take his kit with him wherever he goes. I gave him the ol' pep talk about being responsible and we sat down to eat.

After dinner, it was time to change Ethan's pump site. For clarification, Ethan has an Omnipod insulin pump. It is a nifty little pump that has all of the component parts contained in a 'pod' that is about the size of a small pager. We fill the 'pod' with insulin and affix it to the site and a spring loaded needle inserts a short 1/4" plastic cannula into the subcutaneous fat tissue and the pump begins delivering insulin to the body. The pump's computer is programmed with all the information about Ethan's insulin needs and does for him what your pancreas and endocrine system do for your body. Back to the story... there are basically only a few sites on the body with enough body fat to serve as sites for the pump: the abdomen, thighs, upper arms and buttocks. Over time, if the same site is used over and over, it builds up a resistance to the insulin absorption and becomes less effective. Thus, it is considered to be 'best practice' to rotate the sites you use. The site is usually changed every three days or so, so if you use all the available sites, each site will only have to bear the burden for three days every couple of weeks. On a little boy who is experiencing growth spurts and losing his baby fat, this process can be challenging. Ethan does not like to use his legs, as he says it is uncomfortable for sitting and when he is lying down. However, after our visit to the Endocrinologist, we were reminded of the necessity of rotating sites. So, I told Ethan that we needed to use his legs, too. He whined and fussed at me because he really didn't want to place the pump on his legs. Incidentally, MH doesn't like to use her abdomen and prefers her legs and arms. Ethan continued fussing at me. I reasoned with him:
Me: Hey buddy, look at your fingers. (he holds up his fingers) How many do you have?
Ethan: Twenty.
Me: Count again, just fingers.
Ethan: Oh, ten.
Me: How many have callouses because of how often you have to prick them to check your sugars?
Ethan: (counting his callouses) Four.
Me: Okay, so those fingers are getting worn out, right? It makes it harder to check your sugar when you overuse those fingers. The same thing happens to your pump sites. We really need to be using your legs, too, buddy.
Ethan: But I don't like it with my 'pod' on my legs!
Me: I know, brother. But, listen, I can't take the Diabetes away from you. All I can do is help you do the best job taking care of it, and I'm telling you that even if you don't like it, this is the best thing to do.
Ethan: (crying now) I hate it. Why did God even have to invent... (he catches himself here...) Why does God allow Diabetes to happen?
Me: ...
Ethan: I hate it. It... (looks at me right in the eyes) it SUCKS!
Me: Yes. Yes it does. But until someone figures out a cure, we just have to do the best we can, alright?

We go on to get the 'pod' affixed to his thigh and the spring loaded needle inserts the cannula with a *pop* and Ethan just explodes with crying and fussing. I know that it hurts to some extent, but we've been doing this for a while now and I know that his crying is out of proportion with the actual pain and has more to do with the mileage he's getting in attention from Daddy, but I'm feeling pretty sympathetic to him right now and so I just let him fuss. I drew him into an embrace and just let him cry. After a few minutes, I sent him back to his room to get ready for bed and promised to come read a story in a few minutes. Ethan left the room and it was as if his emotionality had been transferred to me. All the unfairness of Diabetes, all the sh.. stuff we have to deal with on a day in-day out basis, all of the expense, all of the vigilance, all of the equipment, all of the .... you get the idea... The frustration of having to hold my son and not have an answer for him about why *he* has to suffer from this condition, it all just hit me and I cried. Not for long, and not very loudly, but I cried. Amelia had been watching me and asked if I was okay. I told her that I know we usually just consider all this to be our 'normal', but that the experience of having to reason with my son, to just accept the suck-iness of this disease... it is an experience that I shouldn't have to have. I don't cry about it often, but tonight it just really got to me.

So, Amelia held me for a few minutes while I cried and then I sucked up my fussiness and read my babies a nighttime story and tucked them in to bed. I told them that I love them and that God loves them and that everything is okay. Then I went back into the living room and Amelia and I sat, reading books in companionable silence till the phone rang. It was from Mary Hannah's friend's mom letting us know that MH didn't have extra insulin so that she could change her 'pod'.
Amelia: Do you want me to go?
Me: *sigh* Nah, I'll do it.
Amelia: (lightheartedly) Well, I managed to pack extra test strips for her glucometer and an extra 'pod' for her because I knew she'd need to change sites tonight... I just forgot the insulin.
Me: (kissing Amelia) 'sokay, baby. This is our life. Be back in a bit. You want anything while I'm out?
Amelia: I don't *need* anything, but if you manage to bring home a sweet tea, I wouldn't mind.
Me: Back in a bit...

And I'm back to 'normal'

*I am not looking for sympathy here. My purpose in blogging about this is to heighten awareness about the social/emotional toll of chronic illness. For people who don't deal with it, I hope it will raise your awareness about some of the challenges that families face on an emotional level. For people who read this and identify with the emotions and struggle, I hope that this narrative will reassure you that your feelings are normal and acceptable. Often, caregivers get stuck feeling like they can't express their feelings because they'll be seen as whine-y, or misunderstood, or pitied, etc. I appreciate what you are going through and I hope that you have a way to cope with and find strength in doing what you do best: caring for and loving your families despite the way that the illness tries to tear down and control your daily life. May God richly bless you. - jeff

Evaluation

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 03:43:00 +0000

I sometimes find it quite interesting how stuff happens. Sometimes there are topics, circumstances or what appear to be coincidences that happen that just make me wonder about the cosmic design.

First, I frequently share with couples who are seeking my help in counseling that I prefer to have us all start on the same page by using the following definition of 'love' : Love is ... valuing the other person AND refusing to devalue the other person. (as espoused by Everett Worthington in his book, "Hope-focused Marriage Counseling") I have found that due to varied family of origin issues, past relationships, trauma, and assorted reasons, people come to my office with widely differing ideas about what love is. I, too, have my own issues, past relationships and traumas that inform my definition of what love is, so this helps everyone be able to have a common reference point for whether certain behaviors, attitudes and values are 'loving'.

I had just such an occasion recently to help a husband evaluate his own behaviors and attitudes toward his wife by sharing this definition for his consideration. So, here we are, using words like evaluate and value and it makes me curious about how value is created. Value is a quality that is assigned to a person or a thing or a concept based on a personal or societal standard, or more often, by personal reasons. In my experience working with couples and families, there seems to be a trend to give lip service to how much we value the other person, but to behave in such a way that we communicate to the other that they are not valued. So, I find this definition of 'love' to be useful in helping couples evaluate (determine the worth) of their attitudes and behaviors.

Okay, so, let's transition to the next thing that happened to catch my attention: I received my annual performance evaluation at work today. That is right, a time honored tradition from corporate America designed to measure productivity and determine all sorts of Human Resource data. However, I have found that it is often difficult to separate the person from the performance and to actually walk away from a 'performance' evaluation without feeling like it was a 'person' evaluation. This time, for me, it was actually pretty decent. Here are some good excerpts:
*satisfactory job knowledge, understands and performs most phases of job well, occasionally requires assistance or instruction.
Okay, so far so good...
*Room for improvement, frequent errors, work requires checking & re-doing.
Wait, what? It just said that I only *occasionally* required assistance or instruction...
*Usually gets the job done on time, works well under pressure, follows up in a timely manner.
That's a little better, but c'mon... *usually* ? Who wrote this evaluation form anyhow?
*Proceeds on own with little or no direction, progressive, makes some suggestions for improvement. (in relation to Initiative and Creativity)
That sounded more promising, but this is beginning to feel like a validation roller coaster...
*Inconsistently accomplishes normal requirements of job.
Now I'm totally bumfuzzled! Is this good or bad? It seems to indicate that someone thinks that I'm doing a normal job of things, albeit inconsistently.

Actually, taken out of context, the above statements could be applied in any way I chose (as I illustrated with my comments after each). The gist of the performance review indicated that overall, I get the job done and do it well. The only real issues were some prodding to improve my paperwork and organizing my schedule more efficiently, both of which are valid points.

The one part of the evaluation that really got to me was: *Generally does not communicate well with clients, staff, and others. Paperwork is unclear and untimely. (Written and Oral Communication category)
Okay, okay, I get the paperwork thing already. I admit I need to tighten up in that area. But seriously, I'm not an effective communicator? This really attacked my sense of self. If anything, I consider myself to be an above average communicator. I'm not just referring to my speaking ability, but I also consider myself to be a great listener. In fact, those are two really important factors in my profession.

So, although I thought that the performance evaluation went well overall, part of me walked away with a sense of self-doubt about my value to my workplace and to my clients. I had to ask myself if the quality of my work and efforts were of value. (don't read too much into this, my self-doubt didn't last long. I'm still the same slightly arrogant, confident person I was before my evaluation.)

Okay, so... again... one more thing about the how we value each other, a friend brought the following article to my attention: (CAUTION: By clicking on the following, you are leaving this blog and will be presented an article about marriage, libido and sex drive. It may not be appropriate for all readers) A Letter from a Sex-Starved Husband. I found it to be an interesting read and it brought to my mind the comparison of a 'performance evaluation' and how men in general, determine whether they feel 'loved' (or 'valued', remember the definition from earlier?)

I was curious whether this man felt frustrated that his 'job' in his relationship was being valued by being compensated in a way that made him feel loved. It seemed to me, that in many categories in his relationship, he seems to meet the standard of being a good husband, a loving, caring compassionate husband. But there is this one area that bothers him. It doesn't change how he values his wife (does it?). He claims to love her enough to be able to fill volumes about how wonderful she is... but the long term effect of feeling devalued in this one area has created self-doubt in whether he is truly valued in the relationship. His closing paragraphs sound eerily similar to disgruntled employees who are looking for another job.

It makes me wonder how similar things would be if someone were to compare job turnover to divorce rates.

The Curious Case of the Naked Cake

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 05:55:00 +0000

Allow me to share a true story*:

So, I found myself this morning, navigating Dallas traffic, looking for the law offices of ... well, actually the specific office where my good friend, Everett New, works. Having driven for several hours, I found a parking space, fed the meter and carried a large cake box to the 33rd floor to surprise my friend for his birthday. Sounds pretty innocent, right? Read on...

DISCLAIMER: For those of you who normally follow my blog expecting spiritual enlightenment and enrichment, you might want to bail right now. What follows is a story of sneaky mischief and practical joking bordering on crass. You might be offended. You have been warned.

Okay, so let me start at the beginning...
My mom took a trip to see family and friends back east and I'd agreed to drive to DFW International Airport to pick her up. Contemplating the trip, I thought about calling upon my good friend Everett and asking if I could drive in on Sunday, stay the night at his place in Dallas, and be able to sleep late, pick Mom up at 11 and head back to Abilene. I sent Everett a note on Facebook explaining, but ultimately decided to just get up early on Monday and do a round-trip. However, I was reminded by the ubiquitous sidebar on my Home screen that Everett's birthday was Monday. This afforded me a unique opportunity and a long dormant sneaky part of my persona woke up.

Many years ago (1998, in fact), I met Everett when I started working for Enterprise Rent-a-Car in Plainview, Texas. It was a small branch and there was lots of downtime and Everett and I quickly discovered that we could have been separated at birth, so alike we were in wit and humor. We got along famously and became fast friends. However, the twit had somehow managed to arrange to take a day off in November which happened to be my birthday. leaving me to run the office by myself for a day. To make it up to me, and to play a bit of a joke, he arranged to have a cake delivered to cheer me up. He'd called my wife, Amelia, who was working at a bakery nearby and she helped arrange this:

I was slightly embarrassed and highly amused. So, thinking back to that incident all those years ago, I hatched a plan to visit revenge on my friend. What are friends, for, eh?
So, enlisting Amelia's blessing and help, she advised me that on a Sunday afternoon, I would be hard pressed to find a bakery which would/could whip out a specialty cake. But I could *make* one! So I got a cake board and box from a hobby store and after a trip to the supermarket, I was set. I borrowed a large pan (12x19) from my mother in law and got some help from Matt Dodd, my companion in this crime, to mix up the cake. Here is what I ended up with:

With the basic part of the cake, I gathered supplies for decorating purposes. I knew, for instance, that I would need to cut the cake into the basic curvy torso shape. Then I would need some cupcakes for the... 3D effects needed to convey the design. Those would need some decoration for accuracy sake. So, here is what I came up with to try out various configurations: Now, I'm a pretty creative guy and I know that I should try and work on the design because despite my creativity, I'm not very good at the artsy stuff like frosting cakes and piping and stuff. So I decided to try out a few designs. I used some Cherry Twizzlers to outline the basic shape and let my mock up... um... model a few different ... um... sizes, if you will, of cupcake. Here are some shots of those designs and configurations:

This would be the slender, petit version:

The slightly more roBUST version, with Hershey's Kisses instead of gumdrops:

... and what to do with all that leftover batter but make some cupcakes that can stand up proudly and lend some variety:
Oh, and just in case you're a Star Trek fan and have a thing for one of those Vega 3 ladies:

Having made an artistic decision about how I wanted to proceed, I shot one more picture of all the supplies I'd used, for documentation purposes:

I knew that Everett would appreciate the little details, so I created a mock up of a Bakery order form/receipt and included it on top of the box:

Then I created a card that would heighten the anticipation for him when I arrived at his prestigious, prominent law offices:

I fell asleep on Sunday night with a smile on my face, thinking about Everett's expression when I showed up at his office the next morning with my "Naked Cake". I just knew that he'd love the joke. Earlier in the evening, I'd emailed his wife, Heather, to make sure he would be at work the next day. I would hate to have put in all that effort into the joke only to have it be a BUST. I'm not sure I'd be able to BARE it. *snicker*

So, I arrived at his office at about 10 am and the receptionist greeted me and paged him to the front area. Everett came walking in and his face broke into a smile to see me. He said, "Jeff! What a great surprise! I thought you weren't going to be able to see me while you were in town..." his voice trailed off when he saw the cake box. His eyes went wide and he said, "Oh, NO! I know what this is!"

I broke out with a big grin of my own as the realization and memory of the infamous cake of '98 ran through his head. Everett laughed as I explained to his co-workers who happened to be nearby. "Years ago, Everett gave me a great cake to celebrate my birthday and I thought I'd return the favor." I passed around the picture at the top of this post, of me holding the cake Everett had commissioned. With mixed anticipation and trepidation, he began to open the box I'd brought. "Jeff, if I know you, you didn't just match my cake, you stepped up. I'm almost afraid ..."

I stopped him and had him read the card:

I pointed out that this was not just a birthday cake, but a revenge cake and whereas his cake had employed a feeble attempt at covering up the naughty bits with pasties, tassels, and a bikini, I knew I would have to deliver him a NAKED cake!

Laughing nervously, Everett opened the box...

to discover that I am indeed a man of my word. A *Naked* cake.

I mentioned that I can't decorate worth a darn, didn't I?

After trying out the different designs, I decided to utilize both the heightened anticipation of dread and the deliberate pun of a "naked" cake to entertain my dear friend. I did deliver all the other supplies so he could decorate to his ... um... taste preferences:

I don't mean to make mountains out of molehills here, but I was pretty pleased with how sneaky and, ultimately clever (lazy, whatever) I'd been in pulling this off. Everett's reactions were everything I'd hoped they be and I expect that this will be a level of silliness on a birthday that he'll remember... maybe for 12 more years before he catches me off guard...

Happy Birthday, friend.

*elements of this blog post (particularly dialogue) may be paraphrased, embellished and otherwise fabricated to facilitate the unfolding of the story. -mgmt

Do you see what I see?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeff Emery) — Wed, 05 May 2010 06:23:00 +0000

Dear ______________,

I'm glad that you seem to be doing better. I enjoyed our talk today. It appears to me that you've been doing a lot of thinking about where you are and your choices and how you've reacted to things that have happened to you. I can only imagine the frustration that you feel right now, stuck in the place that you've landed. You told me that you didn't intend to end up here, but nonetheless, here you are. I asked you where you wanted to be and you didn't have an answer, or maybe you just didn't want to share that with me just yet. That's okay. As long as we keep talking, I'm sure we'll get there.

One thing confuses me, though, and I hope you can help me understand it a bit better. You seem angry about your circumstances, also a little hopeless. You mentioned that you just take life one day at a time, and react to what happens to you. I asked you about what your plans were, so that you could be more proactive and you told me that it was no use planning for things because you can't control the bad stuff that happens and it just ruins your plans anyhow. It made me sad to see that you have gotten caught in a self-fulfilling cycle. It goes like this: "I shouldn't make any plans for the future because too much can happen that would ruin my plans." Then something unexpected happens and you don't have any plans in place to mitigate the effect on you, which reinforces your belief that it does no good to plan for the future...

I can understand that from your perspective, my assertion that a lack of planning can equal an inability to dream, to see the myriad possibilities in front of you. When I told you that if you chose differently, that the outcome would be different, that probably seemed like I was talking gobbledygook.

It is like this, I feel like you are in a canyon, a ravine. You're standing at the bottom of it, seeing only two options: forward or backward. Door 1 or Door 2, each with consequences that keep you in the ravine. I'm up top, on a plain (kind of like West Texas, where you can see for miles in any direction). I call down to you and we talk about choices, but all you can see is what is in the ravine. I look around at 360 different directions I can take, choices I can make and wonder why you feel so limited. That's not really fair now, is it?

I understand why you feel so trapped. You have a need for others to see you as something. If you don't give in to the pressure from your peers, your family, you will be seen as... weak? untrustworthy? a wimp?

But what if the answer to your frustration, to your feeling stuck and trapped in your lifestyle was not forward or backward, but upward? What if you trusted me, the voice from above, who has a different perspective? You've got the basic ingredients already in the pot: discontent with where you are... motivation to change... new responsibilities that are helping you see beyond yourself to the interests of others... and you're beginning to see that when you are faced with the pressure to do something, you ALWAYS have the choice to NOT do something. I hope you can trust that I'm watching over you and I'm as close as a prayer when you need help. Despite what you've endured, I haven't forgotten you. I haven't forsaken you. My deepest desire is to open your eyes to the truth that with me, all things are possible.

Love, God.