penises do not rule the world

saving u money. helping me out

2009-10-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

Hey check out my new website. Tons of places to visit.

www.moneytimeisnow.blogspot.com

Plus i just added my new favorite store. They beat walmart in all comparsion. great prices great products.

My new favorite products.
#1: Pancake pans u get 3. shaped like frogs face with face imprints, bear with face imprint and pig with face imprint. All 3 for just $5.95 WOW.

9piece snowman mugs. u get 4 snowmen mug heads. so cute each with a different face. a stand up rack and coasters all for just $12.95
When u go to my website click on the LTD link and start shopping. Really good prices. I think im buying all christmas from them this year.

http://www.moneytimeisnow.blogspot.com/

click me click me click me. So who dares to click here. hehehe so what do u think of my site

2009-10-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

Shop with me... Kissedbycandlelight.ecrater.com

2009-10-20T04:42:00.000-07:00

Me-Options = I need a miracle

2009-08-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

So heres the truth. Im so desparate to work because theres no money left.No wait calculated it. I have $8 left.Next paycheck is in i dont know 2-4 weeks.
I hate this. Ive never had to support me let alone three little boysbrian has always supported me. before him my parents. No wonder he hated me so much. caz it was all on his shouldersAnd he was stressed everyday wondering how he was goin to keep us going. Oh my goodness. Why did i never see. Im so sorry.

No child support since june 1st.Used the last of the safe money and im closing my bank account. No reason for it when it charges if it falls Below $100. Have no choice but to work, cant work unless i drag my kids with me. 4-C is out of funds.And Daycare requires being paid for. I have nothing to pay for daycare.ONly good note is i have food. Im budgeting. Been doing good. this month i made it on 195 plus 200 savings. Pretty good i think. But now no saving and no more support. While brian sitshome day and nite and does nothing. He doesnt work. He is sam's wife. Im pretty sure i have almost all of next months bills covered. but i may have to shut off my phone and internet. Just cant afford to keep them up. And since at this point i cant even afford a $10 cell phone bill. well i wont have that either. If u have noticed im no longer answering my cell phone.
Mom wants me to move back in then we can help each other.If i move i dont know how im going to get my stuff. I cant even afford to move. More like fight till we hate each other. She doesntlike when i spank the kids or make them stand in the corner. And i dont like when she corrects me. She wants me to start working nites then she can watch the kids. If i get a good job working nights i wont have to move. until theni dont know where the gas or diaper money is coming from. I dont know anything. only that brian doesnt care and hesnot helping. So what im asking for is everyone to pray for a miracle. caz my moms house is not my way out. I just cant do that again. Please not again. I need my own place for my own sanity. Serious I would lose it completely. crazy home herecome.

ITS TIME FOR REVENGE

2009-07-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

u broke my heart,u tore me down
flood waters rushed in, I almost drawn
so many wasted years, the pounds came on
the weight i gained, I wasnt strong
I could not stop
u got my best, i got your worst
i gave my love, u loved me not
i gave my tears, u laughed and sneared
broken and bruised,I packed my bags
i walked away,our lives i saved.
I stand today And make a vow
this weight ill lose, it wont hold me down
a walk today and tomorrow too
i'll do just what i have to do.
U no longer get the best of me
im going to be just who i want to be

NOT THIS TIME

2009-07-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

Brian stop by with shit. i paid my support. bull shit. Sorry 195 a month for three boys is not support. u owe that a week. So explain to them when school comes and they are wearing clothes 2 sizes too small. When other kids get glue and paint and he get an empty page. How did it feel? i know u know as u were very poor. Y hurt your kids get a job and do what u must do. I do my part. hahh. u stop by 5 mins a month. and u bring your whore to ring the bell and beat on my door. its better that u pay your support and go live your life. we'll see u at graduation.

So here's to u big girl.

I should be stronger
this should be easy
Tears escape me everyday
i shouldnt feel so pulled away
away from the world
yes i locked me in
i cant face those people again
the sun is bright
it burns my eyes
i hear the voices
where is your guy
away on business
overseas
but the truth must come
Im sure youve seen
Hes here and there
hes found another
all i am is his childrens mother
im sure i did nothing wrong
hes been gone for so long
A wife i can no longer be
He decided he didnt need me
im wounded broken
but here i stand
to listen to how your being a man
u pay your support
u do your part
so here u come your so smart
youve broken me down
but to your surprise
this time i seem tall
my knees shook but i did not fall
U want to take my kids to play
want to know if they can stay
I refuse they are my joy
u see they are my little boys
U raise your voice
I start to yell
I stand my ground
u use your body broad and wide
though im shaking and scared inside
your not as big as u used to be
your not going to intimidate me.
If u want a fight then bring it on
otherwise go get gone.

If not me then who

2009-07-25T09:25:00.000-07:00

I TRIED
When forever means till saturday nite
why should i even try.
I kissed a man
And gave my hand.
He smacked and beat me
yet here i am
despite all i choose to stand
to be free once again
And when the day comes that he dies
I'll stand tall and say I tried.

Wanted missing Father
In the night a child cries
His fathers gone but he didnt die.
He's gone faraway
thats where he'll stay
he chose a different life
Without his kids and wife.
to live young and free
thats just how it had to be.
mommy said be happy daddy didnt die.
but still at night that child cries.

Not Yet Born Not Yet Died
Somewhere a baby cries.
not yet born not yet died.
Her mommy wanted to hold her tight
but now she cries with all her might.
Give me please
what i need
a baby dear
to hold near
blue or green
doesnt matter to me
blonde or brown
she could even be a class clown
Please grant to me a sweet baby.
Somewhere a sister cries.
She doesnt understand why babies die.
So young and sweet and then their gone.
and all we're left with is a song.
A unsung lalaby that dewells within our sole
written but not sung for one we will never hold.
so in our grief we look up high
and ask once more for a baby's cry.
Together i chose to stand
And ask God for a baby girl or little man
to complete a mom and a daddy's plan.

My uncomplete song... Shut up and love me

Shut up and love me
i dont want fight no more
i know u were angry
when i walked out your door
our words turn to anger
and i cant handle that
so shut up and love me
just shut up and love me

I want to feel your arms
holding me tight
feel your head on my shoulder
all though the night
know you'll aways be there
when i need u most
so shut up and love me
just shut up and love me.

if forever never comes
and im all alone
will you run to be with me
someone to hold
will u wrap yourself around me
Make me feel safe.
But if just for tonight.
Just shut up and love me.

feeling the pull of another, without a response.

2009-07-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

Dont you feel it.
that pull at night.
Somethings missing.
Somethings not right.
You hold your breath
And hope to hear
that gentle breathing of someone dear.
but silents swallows you
and darkness bites.
You pull the blankets around u tight.
A night light or two to light the room.
A kiss to someone faraway.
But still here you sleep alone once again
while shes holding your dear ones hand.

Tonight like many others i find myself alone wishing for what i know i cant have.
Not my past love. He will not surfise but a well missed love would be nice. Someone sweet with gentle hands. to hold me close to him. He'd always to me be true. Never venturing beyond my walls. Always here when night time calls. so warm and safe. So easy to want. A faithful companion for me to love. And in return love would flow from him. Is that all too much for me to hope to wish to beg for in this sad lonely life. that one day i would once again be someones adored wife and he my one and only man.

I'll Send a KISS to all i love, in hopes i'll soon fall in love. Goodnite everyone i love u all dearly and deeply.

How im adapting...

2009-07-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

so today i have been feeling everyones anxiety. I have felt sick to my stomach all day. my blood pressure was 133/68 but my pulse was 74. maybe thats not weird but it is for me. All i want to do is cry. I touched the baby's face at lunch and had to chock back the tears. Joshua told me a joke and i almost bawled. Its just like the world around me is falling apart. And when i started missing my significate other well there he was walking down the road with his bitch and her new dog. Of course no kids were with them. So i have decided to lighten my heart by thinking about what i have and well we can never forget what i dont have.

My kids have...
1. no parent on parent fights. ( my kids dont have to listen to me and my husband fight all night or day)
2. food
3. Family
4. Pets ( even if they are fish well thats a pet)
5. Shelter (its not that nice but it will do for now)
6. Summer Fun

What i adore...
1. Watching my kids learn new things...
This week Owen started standing without holding on to things.
owen also can walk a few steps without assistance
Joshua is shaping up to his own starting to get smart. Wow im scared of his teen years.

2. trying new foods.
Owen: Lucky charms, Ice cream cones so cute
3. Sleep
4. AC
5. Freedom
6. Dreaming about the future i could have.

What i covet...sorry it happens... i guess
1. Love
2. A husband.
3. can i covet my own husband well that too.
4. A house
5. Happiness
6. Pleasure

What i desperately would love, but would also give me grief is magic. You know powers. Like the power to help people. Save people bring people back. Only problem is u cant help everyone and how do u choose who to help and who to not. Also then id have the problem of families who i didnt make it in time to save angry and ready for revenge. It would be so unfair to those in danger and to me to have to make the decision of who to help and who not to. and i might end up selfish. deciding to help my family and friends before strangers. Plus id be vain caz id be able to fix my hair and shave off my weight with a flip of my hand. touch my hair and its beautifully curled. A quick spin and id have small sexy hips and perky breast.

What would be so cool. transform into an animal u choose when u choose to. Like id be a lioness when in danger. then a bird to escape and hide what i can do from all.

upto date

2009-06-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

Okay so where am i now. What am i going to do now? As grandmommy put it.
Well.....

dah exactly what ive been doing. Spending time with my kids. Doing family stuff. We arent not a family just because i dont have a husband or father for us. it just means we have to work a little harder to feel complete.
Brian can live his false love life and i will live mine watching our boys grow into strong smart men. One day when they look back they can say mommy always was there. She let us pick our favorite movies and made us brownies to go with it and popcorn. She made the best food.
The house i liked went down another $1000 wish i had money. it would be nice.
Brian lost his job and ops forgot to tell me until he was no longer paying child support. I dont know what we will do. My boys lost a father now they hve to lose a mother too. very unfair. Is he trying to get a new one. NOPE!!! hes running out all his gas around town. Oh and that slut of a gf stopped by here. she came in brians car without him interesting.
when she wreaks it hes out a car and still have to pay for it. guess she will support him all his life. I love it. she supports him and they are miserable and hate each other. Brian says how much he loves me, but is so scared he will hurt us. He laughs when i call her a whore. caz he knows its true. If he had another place to go, he wouldnt even be with her. told me that he doesnt like being with either of us, but he doesnt know what else to do. Says he still loves me. Hes still mad at me for leaving him 2 years ago. well if u would have done what u were suppose to i would still be with u. But u know i'll love u for a lifetime. Your my heart. Physically i did not die without brian but emotionally i did. Yes i have my beautiful boys to keep me busy, but my soul is lonely. He was my forever and now its gone. everyday i need him less. Everyday his lack of a visit doesnt hurt. but through it all everyday my love for him remains. His kiss still gives me the goosebumps it used to. his touch still melts my heart. I desire him and that desire doesnt seem to die. just my lonely longingness for him. He says his heart is still mine as mine is his we just cant live together anymore. And i believe it. ive become comfortable with my freedom. Having my own place setting my own rules. I like it no i love it. going when i wish to. decided what i want to. no one to consult no one to deny me.
But what im missing is the reasureness of his love. Yes he comes every two weeks or so sneaks out of what he doesnt really want to be where his heart dwells. To take the sweet honey that makes his heart leap. but then he has to rush off before hes caught to a evil villian of a woman and pretend he cares greatly for her. Pretend her kids dont bother him. Pretend her loud rude voice doesnt stab his chest. Pretend her shrilling attacks doesnt pierce his skin. She took his job, she took his family, she took his car and now hes left with nothing only to suckle what she will allow him to. to barely live. to barely make it.
MISERABLE thats what he describes it.

here it comes and here we go

2009-06-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

So this saturday is our parent divorce class. Then on monday we turn in our divorce agreement and then we wait for the judge to sign it. Wow hard to believe my marriage is almost over. This is sucky. But it wont change anything. I still love brian and he still loves me, we just cant live together. Im still Mrs. brian mccullough. If he had it his way me, him and sam would all live together but nope i dont think so. cant work that way. im way to jealous to share. So i'll keep doing what im doing and when im ready for another baby if i choose it,i'll have my daughter. but im kind of happy with the three i have. Sure i'll never get to see the cutiest dresses on a tiny little girl. and prom wont be the same as shopping with your daughter for that perfect dress. And yeah forget shopping for wedding dresses and seeing your grandbaby delivered. Its okay. I'll never have to worry about one of my boys getting pregnant. Its good i'll never have to work about my daughter becoming some married mans whore at 19.

okay i did it so excited

2009-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

So this weekend i went on my first date since i married my ex. It was so nice. Well kind of a date. it was cool. our kids had fun together. I enjoyed him. He was so sweet. very compasionate. A man in charge of his own life and capable of controling others in a positive way. He's calm and rarely seems to raise his voice. Stricked but kind. Very gentle. And i loved the way he smiles. the cute lines that appear around his hazel eyes. I adore the white hairs on his head that he tries to hide. So cute. And i love his gotee. Clean cute but elegant. We had such a good time. we didnt do much but we didnt have too. It was still enjoyable. We just watched tv and watch the kids play and talked and just relaxed.
I dont know where this might lead us or what i am to him if anything, but i hate to say it, if he doesnt want to see me anymore i would be truely sad. Im trying to hard to slow myself down, because i dont want to get lost in the kayoss and not keep my head on straight. But he is so wonderful. Am i seeing him for him or am i see what i want to see. I dont know. But for now I'll take what he gives me, and i'll enjoy every bit of it. Y couldnt it be like this the past 9 years. I really was cheated.

Ohh it really is a shit sandwich

2009-04-28T19:53:00.001-07:00

So i bought a new car and when i came home with it Josh says but i liked our old van. Lol oookay?

The O was at the window playing peckaboo curtains. And i came in he crawled to me. then fell down with a splat. I was like what is that smell. Dad yells oh no. I grabbed the baby and ran to the bathroom. He had pooped and it was dripping out every area possible. So i had to wash him.
In the livingroom was a big wet pile of liquid shit. Dad started cleaning it while i was washing the baby. mom walked to the window its over hear to. Apparently when he fell to crawl to me it went SPLAT!!!!. It was on the wall. baseboard, carpet plant stool, and you name it it was there. Mom was like how the heck did he get it here and here and here.
What a job cleaning it up. Poor dad and mom.

shit sandwich and more

2009-04-24T08:21:00.001-07:00

Okay they say when life give you peanuts make peanut butter. okay so if life give you shit do you get a shit sandwich.

okay is not all that bad. i have what i need but i am ready for a happily ever after. where is it? who took my happily ever after. maybe its like the xbox at walmart. they only have 4 in stock and they are on a first come first service basis. so does that mean all sold out of happily ever afters. which brings me to a new point. I believe happiness is a decision not just a state of being. we choose to be happy with what we have or we choose to be miserable. so then maybe this is my happily ever after. maybe im not happy because i chose not to be happy. so what i need to do is be happy with my settings because only i can choose to be happy and live happily.

Okay so im choosing to be happy. i am making my life a happy one to live and observe. i am inforcing a new policy with me and the children. after what brian did this week i saw a big change in my 2 older boys. they took pride in bulling each other the louder one would scream for help the more the other would laugh. same thing there dad did to me this week.
So our new moto: No HIT give a hug. when ever they want to hurt the other one they have to instead hug them. if your brother makes you mad, hug him. if they are driving me crazy im to hug you. Time outs are totally inforced also.

In time i will invite a man into my life, to join our happily ever after but only if he has his own decision to be happy no matter what. I need him to choose to be happy not think okay you dont make me happy. i can not make anyone happy they have to decided with who they are to actively be happy. and thats what i am. i am going to be actively happy with or without a man by my side. if someone should join my path and we together be actively happy i would most appriecate that but if not i wont die without a husband. I need not a husband. yes i enjoy sex and all that marriage has to offer but I do not depend on it to be as i am. I will be sad to see my bed empty for so long but rejoice in the peace that is to follow. Wrapping my thoughts around the joy my children see in our world. the way they light up at the sight of a baseball. and the happy cries they release at the thought of a getting ice cream. If a man cant understand why i would love the joys of a child, then that is his lose. My children are from God and i charish them. So that is what ive decided. I will be happy everyday and everynite alone or with someone my home will have peace and harmony.
I will strive for success and in return will guide my children into successful lives full of happiness.

NOW IM SERIOUS

2009-02-18T06:32:00.001-08:00

So ive been thinking and thinking and now im serious. I have to get thin and find a mate. Ive talking to a guy that wants to meet and go out. Thought that could be fun but im not ready caz i dont like me. And what does he say..... DAh DAh DAAAAAhhh. You cant be that fat its not like your 300 pounds. Ops. Well last night was the first night he did NOT call me to see how i was. suck monkey balls. So here i am im serious. Im telling my weight and im making a change. I was a bitch yesterday. And i sure showed it. Upset a friend caz i was so mean to him. I dont know maybe i was upset about who i am. but he told me some stuff and i was just mean so i had to come out of my shell and appoligize.

HEY THERE IS A WEBSITE CALLED SPARKPEOPLE AND ITS FREE JOIN. helps with weight loss. very cool. so heres an article that i found and i just loved it. so im posting it. from www.sparkpeople.com

So its time to come out with it IVE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR.

So it's time to come out and admit it. I've been having an affair with my fridge. It started sometime in November or December, and slowly became more passionate until the recent Christmas break, when it moprhed into what could almost be called psychotic infatuation and criminal stalking. Needless to say I've been neglecting the gym as a result, and the gym has decided to take revenge. The first thing the gym did was tell my pants. My pants and I had really been getting on this year, they were comfy, they fit, I had new ones.... but maybe this was the problem. Maybe my pants were secretly getting nervous that as I'd discarded their predecessors so eagerly they thought they were heading for the same fate. So my pants listened to what my gym had to say and decided to take action. Then they told the scales. The scales were very upset and started saying horrible and nasty things to me. They told me I weighed 179 lb the other day, and only a couple of months ago I was 169. I was unable to convince the scales that my relationship with them should not be impacted by my relationships with either the gym, the fridge, or indeed my pants, but my poor scales are codependent and wouldn't listen. My pants by this stage had done all this in vain as I was now in the verge of dumping them and going back to find their predecessors, which to me were not only more comfortable, but far nicer. This was too much and my pants told my mirror. The mirror, never known for diplomacy, was blunt. It yelled at me YOU'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE FRIDGE. A BIG, LONG, PASSIONATE AFFAIR. LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO EVERYBODY!! HOW COULD YOU? And every time I walk past the mirror, it yells it. Then of course, being an interconnected species, every other mirror in the universe got on the bandwagon, and now even when I'm washing my hands at work, the mirror in the ladies' bathroom yells YOU FOOD SLUT! I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING WITH THE FRIDGE. ONLY A MONTH AGO YOU HAD CHEEKBONES BUT NOW YOU HAVE A DOUBLE CHIN! So of course I'm in the sh*t with pretty much every household appliance that doesn't live in the kitchen. Half my wardrobe is yelling at me. None of the mirrors like me either. So - I'm back on SparkPeople, I'm eating eDiets food, I've joined a heap of challenges, I've got my gym class schedule on my fridge and I'm signing up for a triathlon or two.

Life's Dreams

2009-02-10T06:51:00.000-08:00

So I had the worse night. My dreams kept me awake.
First i dreamed I was at my parents house. It felt so real. like i was really there. and i recieved a phone call. which I think I was dreaming but it was all too real.
then I was in a huge ship and it was sinking. there were two adults and a whole group of kids. some of the adults took some of the kids into the water. my group stayed in the behind to find life jackets. I got the life jackets and started putting them on the kids, when i passed by a mirror. I looked into the mirror and saw that my hair was wet. the water started to come into the room. I looked closer and saw that under the top layer of hair the some of my hair was very silvery gray. My ex was standing by suddenly laughing at me. I thought about rubbing out the gray but the water was really coming in now. So i grabbed the kids and jumped into the icy cold water. then i woke up.

it was all too real all night. I still dont know if i had a conversation with someone or not. I feel like i had but i dont think i did. I think it was all a dream. now i have such mixed feelings.

oh yeah here are apartment pictures

2009-01-28T09:02:00.001-08:00

Here are my apartment pictures make sure you check the blog post below to see snow pictures. Everyone try to keep warm. lol

Here it comes

2009-01-28T08:57:00.001-08:00

OH DID WE GET SNOW. snow everywhere.

Here are some pictures

What did you get? time to share

You know its 70-80 in Florida so why am I here in Indiana

hey I put a picture of A getting into my makeup silly boy

im all muscles

2009-01-18T08:29:00.001-08:00

Anyone that truely knows me knows im not strong. but this week brian made me feel so Strong. Not. Apparently he told his girlfriend that i raped him. She wants to press charges. Shes so stupid. First of all anyone who knows bri knows he can pick me up above his head and throw me and im not small. SO the true question is how do you rape a man who can beat you up with one arm. Plus you cant force a hard on. Didnt think of that one did you. the true he dropped our kids off and said your my wife and I wont take no for an answer.
but to say I raped him is so funny. could you imagine. Me. Its the funniest thing ive every heard. Now I feel strong. I text her and him back. That she must think he is weak. WOW is he pretending to be wempy. She really barely knows him. I should not call him brian I should call him Sam's Bitch. I asked if he sucks her dildo like a good bitch. Or takes it from behind. I got no answer to these must be true. Brian has changed. Hes being controlled by his very own whore. I love it. Oh yeah and she got fired and had to give her car back so he is going to have to support her. sounds like she planned it bobo. You really are her bitch. lolololololololol

What Do YOU want from me??????

2009-01-16T06:21:00.000-08:00

Well as some of you know my dream was true and my husband is with someone else. Tells me he really doesnt want to be with me but will try to make time for the kids. Lot going on but there are a few things I wont mention caz they really hurt.
But then not only did he come over last week and do something im so angry about but then he stopped by last night.
Why? What do YOU want from me? We kept it "friendly" but not at the sametime. Careful not to touch or really look at each other. He said I do love you but not as I used to. Okay. So you stopped by at 11pm at night to say that. Plus someone at work messed up and he is off work till monday and oh yeah his landlords tenant downstairs turned off the power when they moved out and brian lost heat. SO hes apartment was cold. I mean very cold considering its -7 outside. So I said go to the kitchen get you something to eat. and set a bed up in the livingroom. then you can go to your girlfriends. Caz its too cold to stay at your place. He refused afraid she would be angry. I said then go to her place and get in bed with her so you dont freeze.
Hes talking about changing his mind on child support. Says he cant afford it. Well he made good money this week. over 600 bring home. We have a meeting on the 20th.
So he all of a sudden starts screaming. I dont love you!!!. why why would you throw that out. I never want to hear that again. How can you love the part of your very own children that is me? He marched out of the house. Oh yeah I need 10.00 for gas. so I told him i have money on a gas card. I feel bad though caz he might has been hungry too. but i did offer him food. maybe i should have fixed him a sandwich. So then he called me from terre haute and siad htank you for the gas money. im sorry I was such an ass.
Have a period lately? Man cant figure out why he was so mean. I gave him what he wanted. Left him alone to be with sam. didnt press charges when he came over last week. I am trying to be nice and get on with my life. But then he walks in and starts telling me mean things. Says dad said you were crying for me. No I wasnt crying for you. All my tears dryed up and now I have a family to raise. Have to insure my kids have what they need. Right now my kids are young and not in school. they need me home caring for them. So that means you are going to have to provide the support you promised. We have to survive too. So stop mopping and do what you have to do.
okay im done for now. Just confused a bit. Im ready for warm sunny weather and happy times.

Funny just in time for christmas

2008-11-19T22:49:00.001-08:00

NOT FOR CHILDREN Turn AWAY NOW if you don't think you can handle it.

Here are some pictures I found online. Thought they were funny. NOt made for children.

Dirty Sex is for Diana. Cause you did me dirty at the hospital. Shame on you. But it was a great BURN. Don't ever share that story again though.

Santa reading note is for everyone. That was so perfect. Might leave that note for brian and cookies at apartment. He would eat before he read the card. It would be funny. He would have to think would she could she. Of course I wouldn't but pee down his leg could be funny. love ya

okay the turtles is for brian. If you know the story you'll understand. lol. DUUUUDDDDDDEEEE. Shame on those naughty turtles. look away kids look away.

Naked santa is totally for diana and cory. Forget gothic. lol. But please do not post those pictures. I really don't want to see. the bra picture that is still burned in my head is too much already. shhhh. i'll never tell. haahaaaahaaaa

See ya soon. Thanksgiving. If I don't see you happy thanksgiving.

I told brian if we don't see you happy thanksgiving, christmas and new years. He's working a lot.

Family. AAHHHHHHH!

2008-11-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

So this weekend was great.
Brian had a meeting from 11-1 and then the rest of the day and night off. He worked well over 70 hours and was exausted. He called me at 9 am to talk. I was so confused. I hadn't even started my day yet. Yes Friday I got up late. I'm usually up from 7am to 8:30am. Well he was very excited. He was trying everything to stay awake. See he worked all night and got off at 5am. Then he had a meeting at 11am so he couldnt go to bed because then he wouldn't be able to get himself up. So he started to watch titantic and then leonardo Dicapro died and he was crying missing his family. Don't anyone tell him I said this. LOL. So he called me and said I don't want to die alone. Well just that night I was thinking the same thing. I was wondering if my Grandma Had felt sad when she was dying because she had no husband to be with her. Did she ever regret being with her husband. Of course I call him her husband because I have never met him. They divorced and she never spoke of him. WHen she died thought she was very senile.
Brian and I do that a lot. think about the same things around the same time. A month ago i was thinking. I should make some potato soup. I craved it so bad. NO not because im pregnant just because I wanted potato soup so bad nothing else tasted good. Well I hadn't seen brian all week and then he showed up on Friday and said. Im going to lose my mind. I've wanted potato soup all week. All I could do was laugh and kiss him. We do that all the time. Soulmates. lol
So he went to work and after we spent some time together. Then we all went to eat around 5.We pulled up to the restaurant and all the guys were asleep. I turned off the van and set listening to them softly breathing. Each taking their turn to exhale gently. It was so peaceful. The rain hit the roof of the van with a relaxing pitter patter. I just set there letting them breath in and out each others oxygen. This was my family. I watched brian sleep like I had done for 7 years and I knew I loved him. He is a part of my boys and I am a part of them and together in harmony we collided that night. I set for a long time. Till the cold came in the window. till The rain turned to ice. Enjoying what my spirit had missed. taking in the warmth of their presents. Allowing my heart to soak into them. My family.
Finally I started the van and drove to a restaurant. We had seafood. My boys love seafood. And cole slaw. Oh lots and lots of cole slaw. Oh yeah and josh ate a good deal of clams.
Then we all retreated back to my apartment Brian of course had an energy drink to stay awake since it had been Thurday since he last slept and it was nearly Sat. He had so much energy he put a tv stand together for me and set up the bed and never complained except to tell the boys to go to bed. He finished it quickly and without any mistakes.
then he came back to sleep on Sunday after work. It was such a great weekend. Fights were put aside we just enjoyed our family. I wish it could always be like that. calm peaceful FAMILY.

Oh yeah what you've been waiting for that I promised. My SmartAllic or should I say SmartAlex. Al is in a not listening mode. Something suddenly took over and he disobeys everything and just simply tones you out. So brian told him something and he of course did not listen. So brian said Al right now 1. And al replied. 2, 3,4, 5. All brian could say was smartallic.
I laughed and said yes he can count and he knows abcs. lol one smart 2 year old.

Mothers should be MOTHERS!!!

2008-11-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

I thought I know which way to go. A door had opened and I could work full-time, but then I encounter a problem on the way. Maybe that is not a door for me. Today someone knocked at the babysitters door. Man Said is this yours. The babysitter look down then back at the other children. Surprised and upset she said yes. My son was found outside. It was around 50 something outside. I hope and he was near a busy road. WHen I walked in she said the door is locked because that Asshole went outside today. And she told me the story. That Asshole. Are you blaming my 2 year old son. Where were you when that Asshole was opening the door and going outside. She only had my 2 boys and 1 other boy. She didn't even know he was gone. Then while we were talking he got into the pills on the kitchen table luckly he only got the cranberry fruit pills. I said he can open bottles too. SO you have to put these up. I dont say anything because she is family. But I wont be taking my kids back. My husbands mother once watched my son and he fell in the little pool. And my littlest sister let him fall in the fish pond. Sorry but mess up and I don't let you watch my kids.

Now I dont know what to do. Do i trust my kids at a daycare or stay home. I put up an advertisment to babysit at my house but no one has called.
Maybe a mother should be a mother. I should be at home watching my own kids.
My husband has givin me another chance to live with him. Let the apartment go and move in with me. He says. No I want to be here. I need to be here. He doesn't want to help if I don't want to live with him. What will I do? let my kids die or get a job. Give up all the money I put in to live with my husband and chance the bad part of him coming out again. I don't really have to have a job yet. I guess. I just have to find a way to pay everything with what little I get each month.
Im just so upset. This should never have happened.
Today Grandma said my eyes looked tired. what does that mean. First someone asked me if my kids when to middle school when I was working at the middle school and then she says my eyes. look tired. I am tired. I don't sleep anymore. I lonely I need lovin. I want my husband but don't trust him. my kids are up all night it takes 2 hours for me to get them to bed. I get up very early. And it is not getting any better or easier. Yeah im tired but do I have to look it. I hate being me sometimes.
Big al is in the high chair he is turned around with his head down. I think hes sleeping. I'll have to get the camera so you can see. But too bad I can't download it because something is wrong with computer. B said he would look at it but hasn't yet. Something about a trojan horse keeps popping up.
Im going to take my anger out on the laundry that needs folded and put away.

Oh yeah wanted to add goals that I have reach.

1. Go to laundry mat with three little boys. 100% passed.
I finished drying 3 loads of laundry at the laundry mat with all three boys. NO problems.
2. get own place. 100% passed but hating it somewhat. but liking it at the same time.

A few future goals...
1. Get a new vehicle. Mine has had enough. Over heats for not reason. ugly as hell. Window wipers wont work or wont stop when they do work, shuts down while you are driving then immediately turns on again
2. Lose 30 pounds before New Year eve.
3. Work out differences with husband.
4. Get healthy!!!
5. Save up good amount to get a house. (very far in the future)

Which way do I go George?

2008-11-10T17:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so confused. Make up your mind. One person says I just think that if you get past your differences and if he can be a good man then you too will be fine. I see the way you to look at each other. You are desend to end up together. YOu just need some work. Others are saying no it's not worth it. It will get better in time. Stay separated. Help. Which way do I go George? Which way do I go? IM so confused.
Okay so what is my heart Saying. My heart says I love bobo. I mourn him when he is not around. The day I left I mourned for 2 months. NOw when I have to let him go again. I mourn all over again. We have great times and we have lousy horrible very bad times. But I can only beg him to go to therapy so much before he gets mad and yells NO. There are always drugs but what kind. I don't want him hurt so he will be nice.
Well, I spend all day practially looking for christmas gifts. I just don't know what to get brian. I know what stuff I need but of course I feel guilty buying for me so I don't buy. But I just can't pin point what he needs. So today he said, I got your Christmas present it is so big. I know I thought I saw it on the microwave. He said I can't wait can I give it to you now. No I like to be surprised. "I hate surprises. I want to give it to you now." He says. No I want you to wrap it in pretty paper and wait to give it to me. Hes like a little kids. Oh yeah B got J a vsmile but forgot to put it in the closet to hide it and J saw it. So he started jumping up and down screaming a vpocket I got a vpocket so B told him Santa sent it in the mail as a early christmas present. I said no it's a birthday present. Since his birthday is closer than christmas. Then I scolded B with a look.

Oh and why am I so confused. B and I are talking again. We are trying not to fight. He gave me my keys back. I do miss him. He is working a lot. Got like 70 hours this week. I don't know how things will end up. But my heart is his. Have to get up at 5 so go. Love you all.

Any Thing But a Prank Call

2008-11-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

Today I got in a big fight with Brian. he gave the word. No more us. The tears just keep falling. I am trying to keep busy but can't find away around the pain.
I grabbed the laptop. Today is the day. TODAY IS THE DAY!!! There it was a stranger's phone number looking back at me. Just call it I thought. Brian's voice in my head tried to discourage me. I had picked a name out of hundreds of names. but it felt right. No phone number or address. On the side it listed nearest relatives and every place this person had lived in the last 5 years.
So I looked up the relatives phone number. There I was with the stranger's number. I felt sick but forced myself to dial the long phone number. As I memorized the name and husbands name I tried to think what to say. Too late after one ring someone said Hello. 12 years ago me and Jackie would have replied Is your refridgerator running? Well you better go catch it. But today this phone call was different.
I barely got out a hi is B or J there. No the young man answered. So I struggled with the second question. Do you know if they have a daughter named _____. He said yes she's my step sister. Is she 26 or 27 years old. Yes around there. Is your family military? He paused and said yeah my dad was in the navy. You dont remember me you were very little is there a way I can get a hold of your sister. Sure I'll give you her cell number.
Courage. Have courage. I dialed the number. It rang. Then a familiar voice picked up but it had aged some. Hi I told her my madan name. Do you remember me? She was quite for a second then I realized she was laughing and in shock? She told me she had found my letter recently and was wondering about me too.
D I found her. I found Tanya. You many not remember her. But she loved you a lot. That's why she alway let you hang out with us. I'm sure you remember. Well I found her. It took all I had not to burst into tears. I couldn't believe after years of looking I had found her. She was like one of my sisters. She went everywhere wtih us. even called our mom mom. And here she was talking to me. I found out she has 3 year old twin little girls. And she is doing fine. It felt so good to talk to her again. After 14 years or so, she was where she had always been. I just had misplaced all her info.
Suddenly I shot back to the day I stood alone and watch the van leave. I was so heart broken when she had to move. I missed her everyday. Once we had always been together and then she was gone.
These memories made me realize I had been so mean to my sister. I left D out a lot. Which is probably why I want allowed to talk to her in high school. It just took growing up to realize that I love all my siblings we just are all so very different.