Penny in Peril

thanks, but no thanks.

2012-02-02T13:43:00.001-07:00

Thank you Facebook, but I don't want to be friends with Captain Hook.

I logged into Facebook this morning and at the top it suggested I become friends with Captain Hook. I saw his name and photo and got a pit in my stomach. Then of course I clicked on it to view his profile. Why must we do things like that?! His profile is on lockdown, just as it always was, and I couldn't see anything – which is probably for the best.

I wasn't cruising around Facebook looking to come across his profile, I didn't want to see it, but there it was in front of me. I looked at his profile picture for a while and can in good conscience say I'm not attracted to him in that way anymore. He looked like he's lost a lot of weight and he was on the thin side to begin with.

My feelings for him have really begun to fade into almost nothing. I was going to write a post in a couple of weeks about how it's been a year since our break up, but I think this post will cover it. I don't need to keep rehashing our relationship or breakup. Most of time I think nothing about him, but of course there are those occasional times when I'm reminded of him in some way or another.

A year ago, I was in a relationship and unhappy. I loved him and he didn't love me - he "cared" about me. It wasn't enough and he didn't want to compromise or commit. Today, I'm single and actually quite content. Content, but with open eyes and a mostly open heart. It's amazing what difference a year can make. Time really is the only thing that will heal. I'm looking forward to meeting that year mark (February 16) and really putting it all behind me. I'm looking forward to bigger and better things. I've been feeling this is the year for changes and I'm hoping those changes will bring me something new and wonderful – Mr. Right.

The important thing is that even though I got a pit in my stomach, I didn't get upset, loose it, or start reminiscing about all the wonderful times. It didn't make me miss him or want him back, and I see that as a huge step in the process of truly putting him in my past.

it's like they know.

2012-02-01T17:40:00.002-07:00

Yesterday, I was thinking about how it'd been several days since I last heard from Royal T.

He'd called and sent a couple of texts late Saturday night. I didn't respond and actually didn't get the text until the next morning. The first text said, "You awake?" The next one said, "Wanted you to come over last night." Apparently asking if I was awake was an invitation. He's done that before – where he starts a conversation and I'm just supposed to know that means he wants to hang out.

I most annoyed because we'd been texting earlier in the evening and he didn't mention wanting to see me. Even if we're just casually hanging out and making out, I still don't want to be a last resort or afterthought.

Wouldn't you know – because I'd thought about him, he sent me a text late in the afternoon.

Royal T: I'm gonna eat at Zipp's on 64^th and Greenway tonight if you wanna join me.
Me: What time?
Me: Ok, sure. It'll take me about 30 min to get there, so let me know when you're gonna leave work. I can pretty much go any time.

So, even though I'd kinda been thinking about just being done with the whole Royal T thing, I decided to meet him for dinner. I was killing some time at work and he sent me another text.

Royal T: I'm so sorry. Gonna have to take a rain check. Something came up at work. Gonna be here late now. Sucks!
Me: Ok…
Royal T: Sorry.

And aside from one additional slightly graphic text about what he'd rather be doing besides working, that was that.

The Royal T situation is an interesting one. Neither of us cares to seriously date the other and there really is no significant investment between the two of us. It's almost as though we're giving each other the attention we need/want until we meet someone else. He told me the other day that he wants to date someone closer to his own age. Being 10 years his junior – that rules me out!

I go back and forth about him. The way I look at it though – it's not hurting anyone and no one is attached, so why the hell not?!

When he does come along and is everything I wanted and more, then I will say my goodbyes to Royal T.

10 relationship killers

2012-01-31T12:08:00.002-07:00

I'm borrowing [this article] from Shine from Yahoo, but putting in my own comments. I can honestly admit that I've committed almost every one of these and some of them more than once. Here goes...

10. Your quirky habits turn annoying. Without proper communication of how these habits (i.e. channel surfing extremely fast or needing five blankets even in the summer) are becoming frustrating, these simple little idiosyncrasies-that we think make us endearing-will eventually turn into ticking time-bombs. Deactivate the blowout with a small discussion.

This one is not something that anyone really has control over, in my opinion. It's really up to the other person to bring annoying habits to the surface. You can't change what you don't know is annoying.

9. Not making an effort to hang out with each other's friends. And for that matter, not even getting along with your S.O.'s friends/family is a major deal-breaker for many people. There must be a balance between friend time, couple time and when the two overlap.

As most of you know, with Captain Hook, this is something I always wanted to do. He'd met pretty much all my friends and I met a couple of his friends once. I think spending time with each other's friends is important and it's also a good way to see another side of your partner's personality.

8. Texting or IM-ing all day everyday while you're both at work. Save the conversations for later; it will affect what you have to talk about on date nights! Avoid a convo like this: You: "Ohmigod! The craziest thing happened at work today." Him: "Yeah, you told me about it on g-chat earlier today." You: "Oh yeah…" Insert awkward silence. And you can't forget that by chatting at work, you're wasting valuable time.

I kinda disagree with this one. Captain Hook and I were in touch all day every day and always had something to talk when we were together. I think this one really depends on the couple. Although, I will admit that setting the precedence of being in touch all day isn't always a good one – you tend to automatically assume something is wrong if you don't hear from the other.

7. Pouring your heart out in a card-birthday, Valentine's Day or any other holiday that deserves a card. It's a little too much to handle for anyone. Do we even need to mention the awkwardness that can ensue as he's reading the novel you wrote inside the card while you're secretly expecting it to encourage him to give you a grand confession of love? Yup, not gonna happen! Simple solution? Find a funny card and just sign your name. It will have the exact same sentimental value to him. Trust us.

I've done this more than once. A card is just such an easy place to express yourself. I'm making a note to keep it simple from here on out!

6. Being too open or too secretive about your past. It is a fine line of saying how old you were when you lost your V-card to describing every little detail of who, when, where and what you felt through it all. TMI, peeps. If he wants to know about your past, give short and sweet answers and then move on.

I can honestly say I don't think I've committed this one. I don't tend to give too many details unless the conversation is really that deep.

5. Being too available. This isn't to say you should play the hard-to-get game by ignoring calls, delaying your response to a text or making up plans when you're actually free. That's pointless and nobody likes those games. If you're free for a date, you're free. If you're not, you're not and you can reschedule. The downfall of being too available right away is that you are more prone to losing your independence as you enter into a committed relationship. And once you lose yourself, the relationship will start sinking faster than the Titanic.

Oh, so guilty of this! My biggest problem is that when I'm into someone, I want to spend as much time as possible with them. I think this mostly applies to being too available in the beginning. I know I need to work on this – mainly because I'm a planner and I want the guy I'm dating to be thinking ahead and make plans with me.

4. Social media stalking. If you're looking at your S.O.'s Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn all within five minutes, step away from the computer. NOW. This feeds even the most confident woman's insecurity. You'll start questioning the "Hey, how have you been?" comment from that cute brunette who is really just his cousin checking in. Insecure insanity-no bueno. And on a similar note, if you're acting single on any social network, consider your relationship DOA.

Guilty as charged! Facebook is honestly the worst for a relationship. I think I'm better off not being friends on Facebook with the person I am dating.

3. Pushing the "What are we?" talk. The fastest way to end a relationship is to start talking about where it's going. Don't do it. Let it come up organically.

Ultimately, this is what ended my relationship with Captain Hook. He never wanted to commit or have the conversation, even after a year. Me pushing the subject only made him want to have the conversation less. I think I may have also done this to Aqua Man. I kinda assumed we were headed in that direction, but should have just let it come up instead of pushing it.

2. Doing the chasing. Sure, we're all for a woman asking a man out. Go for it! But there is a humongo difference between making the first move and being a stage-5 clinger. We've all seen He's Just Not That Into You and/or read the book. If he's into you, he'll make the effort to see you. If he's not picking up that phone and dialing your number, listen to Beyoncé's advice and consider yourself the best thing he never had.

I've done this in a lot of past relationships or the early stages of dating someone, but I've learned to stop. History has taught me it doesn't work.

1. Different lifelong goals. If you have a desire to be married and have babies one day and you're dating someone who doesn't want either, get out of that relationship ASAP. Yes, that's harsh advice. But you can't change a person and what he/she wants out of life. Having different views on these topics puts a timeline on your relationship and you're better off saving yourself from the undeniable heartbreak. Follow the George Clooney rule. If you're upfront about your desires out of life from the beginning (not necessarily on the first date, but before you make it FB official), then you'll spare yourself from falling for someone who refuses to give you what you want.

This is a given – need I say more. I consider myself pretty good about getting all that information out quickly. It's important, because I know that me being on the fence and not really having that desire to have a family can be a deal breaker for some men.

Bonus Relationship Killer!

Getting too comfortable too quickly. In relationships, you should never think you fully have someone committed to you. When you're in love, you should give your partner a reason to be with you each day. It's the only way to have your bond grow stronger each day.

Gotta stay on your toes. I was super comfortable with Captain Hook and I think it's what made out first break up so difficult.

it happened again.

2012-01-26T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last night it happened again! Only this time, that random guy from the other night sent a text.

Him: Hey Penny (he used my actual name and spelled it wrong) This is Justin How r u Sorry if I call too soon the other night Hope the week is going well

Huh? I was so confused by his text. He's clearly completely forgotten we've already met. Am I really that forgettable? LoL Roommate suggested that I send him a text back, so I did.

Me: Sorry, I'm confused. Called too soon...? We went out once like 2 months ago.

He must've remembered or now feels like a complete idiot, because I still haven't gotten a response.

maybe it isn't me after all.

2012-01-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple days, I've been thinking about what Hat Trick said. I trust that he was being genuine and honest, but even if he was blowing smoke up my ass, it made me feel good. I think I needed to hear those words to be reassured that I'm not always 100% the reason things never work out.

I often question if it's me. Is there something wrong with me? Is that why I haven't found a good guy? I think about the things I could change, the things I could say or not say, etc. When it boils down to it though, I am happy with who I am. I'm not ashamed of things I've done and I don't regret decisions I've made. Of course, I'm not perfect and I know that – I could be better about my finances, I could get better about exercising, I could do a lot of things. But, none of those things have to do with my character or who I am as a person. Those are just a few things almost anyone could work on and things I am working on.

It was nice to know, that in just a few short days of correspondence and part of an afternoon together, Hat Trick could see the kind of person I am. It was one short and simple line in a text – I hope you meet someone who identifies what a kind spirit you have and treats you accordingly. – but it meant something. It also said a lot about his character for telling me what had happened. It reassured me that there are still men out there who see me as I am, and will appreciate me for who I am.

For the most part my life is in order and I'm happy with the person I've become. There are still just those days when something seems to be missing. And while I'm happy, I feel ready to share my time with someone. Plain and simple – I'm ready. But, as most of you know…patience isn't one of my best virtues.

"Your journey has molded you for the greater good. It was exactly
what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. It took each
and every
situation you have encountered to bring you to
the now. And now is

right on time." – Asha Tyson

the weirdest thing happened last night.

2012-01-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

My phone rang about 8p and I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number. A few minutes later a message came through. I was SO confused as I listened to it!

The message was from a guy I'd gone out with once, months ago. We had one of those marathon dates and it was awkward and neither of us contacted the other after the date. It was one of those mutual things. I think we must have gone out during my November blog hiatus. I've searched my blog and can't find any posts - even though I swear I wrote about it.

We went to dinner and to a comedy club, where I ended up paying for the tickets. He'd invited me to watch his friend's standup act and I was under the impression he had tickets. I was wrong, and also annoyed. I also met about six of his friends and learned that he was a recovering alcoholic. I am also pretty sure he met said friends in AA, because none of them were drinking. Let's just say... it was a LONG evening.

Anyway... after not being in contact for like two months, he called. The weirdest part was the message he left. It was like he was calling me for the first time. He introduced himself, left his number and said he looked forward to chatting and getting to know each other. He also made a joke about how I'd actually given him the right number.

My mind is literally boggled right now! I can't figure out if there was some fluke with the phone lines, if he's really that clueless and doesn't remember meeting, or... actually I really have no other guesses. It's just strange.

I didn't call or text him back and I don't plan to. It's really not worth it, considering I am in no way interested. I'm just gonna let this one go.

you are going to attract mr. right, just by being you.

2012-01-23T15:33:00.001-07:00

I mentioned going on a somewhat hopeful/promising date last Saturday, and then I mentioned how I hadn’t heard from him.

Although I never mentioned the detail of our date, it went well. We met for a casual lunch to just talk and get to know each other. He’s from Connecticut and had just recently moved to Arizona after the breakup of a four year relationship. That was a red flag for me. Four years is a long time and there was no way he was over it. He seemed genuine though and definitely the type of guy who needs to be a relationship. Perhaps that is why he was already online shopping for a new gf.

After lunch we walked over to PetSmart to look at the animals for adoption since he was considering getting a pet. We wandered around killing time and enjoying each other’s company. He’s a hockey coach and very nice looking guy. I was excited to get to know him and bummed that he was going out of town for a week. When we walked me back to my car, we hugged goodbye and he said he’d be in touch. I truly believed that he would be.

A few texts were sent over the course of the next couple days and then it was silent. I’m pretty much over putting in the effort and pursuing guys. The one who are genuinely interested will be in contact – no matter where they are. I’ve also been purging a lot of random numbers from my phone lately and decided I’d send him one last text before I erased his number. Saturday evening I sent, “Hey! How was CT? Glad to be back?”

I didn’t get a response… until today – after I’d already erased his number, of course.

Him: Hey Penny, it was great to meet you. While in Connecticut my ex and I decided to start working out our differences and give it another try. Ultimately that is what I’ve wanted. I apologize if this is a disappointment. I really enjoyed your company and know you’re going to meet somebody great! If I were you I would drop the online dating… you don’t need it. :) You are going to attract Mr. Right just by being you! Take care, Hat Trick.

I really appreciated his honesty – even if it did take him a week to tell me all that.

Me: Hey Hat Trick – it was great meeting you as well. I figured something must have been up when I didn’t hear from you. I’m glad you’ve agreed to work things out – 4 years is a long time to just throw everything away. I could also tell you weren’t really ready to move on and be meeting new people. Thank you though for being mature enough to give me a heads up.
Him: I really think highly of you and think meeting someone without actively looking will ultimately bring you more happiness. However, no matter what the method is I hope you meet someone who identifies what a kind spirit you have and treats you accordingly. –Hat Trick

I love how he felt the need to go all psychiatrist on me. It was nice of him to take the time though and I am thankful for that. There may even be some truth in what he said. My methods haven’t been working and maybe it is time for change, but where is a girl supposed to meet people these days?!

you have got to be f@&#ing kidding me?!

2012-01-19T00:42:00.002-07:00

Words cannot express how irritated I am right now.

In my last post I mentioned the guy who I was supposed to go with Wednesday night that never returned my text. Yeah, remember him? Well, I finally heard from him. It was more or less pointless because I’d already more or less written him off. It also didn’t sit well with me that he waited until 11pm to return my text. Over. It.

Him: Hey. I never changed my mind. You kinda were blowing up and not giving me a chance to respond.
Me: Ok. Sorry. It’s just that we were texting back and forth and then I never got a response. Kinda confusing…
Him: It’s ok, just overwhelming.
Me: Overwhelming that I just wanted to know if we were meeting up or not..? I just needed to plan accordingly and know what was up. Is that not fair?
Him: Look, I told you how I felt. Why argue it?
Him: Let’s just move on. I like you. Want to see you.
Me: It wasn’t my intention to argue it. I was just looking forward to meeting you.
Him: Well we live really close to each other and I want to cuddle. :)
Me: Oh, do you..?
Him: Yes, don’t you?
Me: Always! I tend to be very affectionate.
Him: Me too. Come over!
Me: I’m gonna have to take a raincheck for tonight.
Him: Oh.
Me: And not that I don’t trust you, but I’d rather meet you someplace other than you house first.
Him: That means you don’t trust me. Look, if I’m a rapist it wouldn’t matter if we met in public first… I would still rape you at some point. Does that make sense?
Me: It does, but it’s still my preference. I don’t have a reason to not trust you, but I don’t know you either.
Him: Okay well you better send me a pic then. :)
Me: I think you owe me one. Ha!
Him: I asked you first. I want a pic of your butt!
Me: You’re gonna have to wait for that.
Him: This is getting boring.
Me: I’m confused here. What do you want from me?
Him: I’m probably going to want to date you but you’re being kinda lame.
Me: How so…? Cause I won’t send you a pic?
Him: You won’t send a pic, won’t come cuddle… blah, blah. I’m starting to think we won’t mix well.
Me: Once we actually meet those won’t be issues. I don’t play games, but it seems to be what’s happening here.
Him: Yeah, nevermind.
Me: Seriously?! You’re a trip. I don’t get what I did, but ok. It’s honestly hard to get a feel for a person over text. Apparently, I come across as lame, which I am most definitely not, but I’m not just gonna come over at 11p or send you pics to prove it. I shouldn’t have to.
Him: Boring!
Me: Sorry, but you’re an ass!
Him: Lame!
Me: What the f@&% is your problem? You’re like a different person than you were the other day.
Him: You just bore me and talk is cheap.
Me: Out of curiosity… what would it take not to bore you?
Him: Step out of your comfort zone, come hang out, send me a pic… something.
Me: How do you know that I haven’t already by just being online?
Him: This conversation is annoying. I’m done.
Him: It’s not like I want a picture of your P#$$&. Just a pic of your ass. Not a big deal.

I realize that I shouldn’t have continued texting him back. I should have let it go long before I did, but you know how it goes when you’re trying to defend your character. Which I also realize was stupid because he doesn’t even know me. In hindsight it just made me want to prove him wrong even more.

It wouldn’t surprise me if I heard from him again. Not one bit. But seriously… I’m not about to start playing games. Especially before we even meet in person.

What a punk! It totally makes me appreciate the simplicity of the non-simplistic thing I have going on with Royal T. At least I always know where we stand, and aside from a drunken Friday night phone call, he’s pretty mature. More mature than any of these characters I’ve been meeting lately!

are you sure you want to delete your account?

2012-01-18T18:48:00.001-07:00

Yes! Absolutely. 100%.

I finally pulled the plug on my PlentyOfFish.com account. The options on that site are pretty ridiculous and I was tired of the drama from immature boys. I need a man! I’ve been on a few dates from the site, including one last Saturday. Things on that date went well – or so I thought. I haven’t heard much from him since. He’s out of town for the week, but that’s no excuse.

That’s what I realized – there are no excuses. I’m done making excuses and room in my life for unreliable people (potential partners). I’ve come across too many flakes in the last few days to really put forth the effort. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… you get what you pay for. And since PoF is free, you pretty much get nothing.

The final straw was pulled last night, which is what initially prompted me to close out the account. Over the weekend I’d been emailing and then texting a guy who was really cute and seemed really interested. We flirted back and forth and also seemed to have like interests. I suggested that we meet up sometime for a beer and he agreed. I really see no point in sending endless texts and emails, because in the end you’re either gonna click in person or you’re not. If you don’t, you’ve just wasted not only my time and energy, but yours as well. That’s just how I see it. Anyway… I suggested Wednesday (tonight) and he said that worked for him as well. Perfect! I was excited to meet him. Last night I sent him a text just to say hello, see how his day was, and confirm plans. I told him he had to pick the location. We went back and forth for a bit and then I asked if we were still on.

Me: Are we still on for tomorrow?

After about an hour and no response, I texted again.

Me: Is that a no...?
Him: Yes
Me: Yes it’s a no, or yes we're still on?

After about 30 minutes with no answer, I sent another text

Me: If you've changed your mind about meeting or whatever, that's fine - I just need to know.

It’s been about 24 hours and I still haven’t heard back! It just pisses me off that guys can be such idiots. If you’ve changed your mind – man up and just tell me. He’s the second guy in the last month that has kinda pulled the same thing. Even though I hate this phrase – I deserve better. I really do and I don’t need to put up with immature bullshit.

Not only have there been a slew of boys, there have also been dozens of guys who I know would never approach me in real life. I don’t want to come off sounding high and mighty, but I am totally out of their league. There is also the handful that just sent emails inviting me over for a casual hookup. No thank you! But the best was the guy who is a Dom in BDSM and wanted to know if I’d be interested in being his new Sub. He was HOT! And it made me think about it for like 2 seconds, but who am I kidding?! That lifestyle is definitely not for me! We did message back and forth for bit though. I was curious and wanted to know more about it. It’s really interesting, but not something I could ever get into.

I’ve considered going back to eHarmony and even took the time last night to completely revamp my profile. I basically started from scratch. I re-took the questionnaire and re-answered all the open ended questions. Thankfully my current, archived and closed matches were all wiped clean too. I haven’t decided if I’ll subscribe or not. I have a coupon for 3 months for the price of 1 that expires on Sunday. I figure I have until then to decide. I’ve had luck with eHarmony in the past and always end up going back to it. It’s where I met Happy Bachelor, Captain Hook, and Royal T. You all know how important chemistry is with me and I’ve had it will all of them. eHarmony knows chemistry and matching!

over before it began, part III.

2012-01-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

This story is such a long one, but I’m wrapping it up in this third and final edition.

So, I headed back to Mill Ave to meet Royal T. I went to the bar where he said he’d be and spotted him fairly quickly. He was standing at the bar. I went up behind him and sort of gave him that “hey you” poke on the back. He turned around, surprised I was actually there, pulled me in for a hug and gave me a kiss.

I just got done kissing Hawkeye and here I was kissing another man. There was such a difference in kissing the two. I felt almost nothing kissing Hawkeye and even the slightest peck or touch from Royal T sent shivers all over my body. That’s chemistry, folks!

Royal T was definitely surprised that I’d made it. He told me he was happy to see me and flattered that I’d spent all day with Hawkeye and still wanted to see him. He continued to hug on me and casually kiss me. I was SO nervous and scared that somehow Hawkeye would show up and see me with Royal T. I felt horrible knowing that it would have totally crushed him.

Royal T finished his drink and we headed down the street to another place. We sat at the bar, drank a beer and chatted. He couldn’t keep his hands off me and I liked it. It was so different being with him. Something about him sparked something in me that I didn’t feel with Hawkeye – even after spending an entire day with him.

We finished our beers and I offered to drive him home. He accepted my offer and we headed to my car. On the drive to his place he got kinda frisky and handsy. Let’s just say it was a little hard to focus on the road. I dropped him off and headed home.

I heard from Hawkeye the next day – New Year’s Eve. He’d had car trouble on the way to Las Vegas. They eventually made it and all was well. After talking to him for a bit, I knew he hadn’t seen me and my secret was safe. I could tell he was still upset that I wasn’t along.

Roommate and I went to dinner and really lived it up for NYE! Kidding. It was totally low-key and we were fine with that. When the clock struck 12, we toasted the bartender, finished our drinks and headed home. Yup! We’re a lively duo.

We’d been home for a bit when I got a IM on Facebook from Royal T.

Royal T: Come stay with me. I'm home alone.
Me: Now you ask. After I’m home, in pjs with no makeup and ready for bed.
Royal T: Just come sleep next to me.
Royal T: 9000 is the code.
Royal T: I'd prefer if you came over
Me: Oh, would you?

We went back and forth a bit and I finally agree to go over there. On my way there Hawkeye called! He seemed pretty wasted, but called me to tell me missed me and to wish me a happy new year. We talked for a little while, but it was hard to carry on a conversation with him. I ended the conversation as I pulled into Royal T’s place. Royal T gave me a hug and kiss when I came in. After he finished getting ready for bed, we crawled into bed, made out a little and then just cuddled and fell asleep. I must say it felt nice just having arms wrapped tightly around me. We got up in the morning, he headed to church with his family and I headed home. We’ve of course been in touch, but haven’t been able to coordinate schedules and I haven’t seen him since that night.

Between the hours of 2 and 3 am that night, Hawkeye called me 13 times!! Over and over again until I finally turned my phone off.

On my way home from Royal T’s, I listened the voicemail Hawkeye had left me. He was super apologetic. I called him later in the day. It was hard to talk to him because I was still annoyed. I also knew that I really needed to end things, but I wasn’t quite sure how. Our conversation was pretty surface level and he mentioned that he didn’t think I’d return his call. He asked me to hang out that night and told him I had things to do and couldn’t.

Several days went by without a word from Hawkeye. When he did call, I was on the other line and missed it. I called him back the next day. It was a completely awkward conversation. He told me all about how shitty his week had been and all I could think about was how I was about to add to it. When he asked if I wanted to hang out that weekend, I finally had the opening to tell him that it just wasn’t going to work. I was honest and truthful and told him I just wasn’t feeling what he was feeling. I explained to him that I didn’t know if I could catch up and it wasn’t doing either of us any good to continue.

I could tell he was hurt and I felt bad, but I knew it was better in the long run. You can’t change feelings – one way or the other. I almost felt like I was Captain Hook in our situation. He cared about me, but just couldn’t make it work. I knew the longer I let it go, the harder it would be. And in the end, something was just missing for me and I was honest with him about that as well.

It’s been a couple weeks and I feel really good about the decision I made. And for those of you wondering… Royal T did not at all influence my decision. He encouraged me to make things work, actually. I know that nothing will ever come of Royal T and I. I’m fine with that and honestly know that it probably wouldn’t work out anyway.

over before it began, part II.

2012-01-11T13:48:00.001-07:00

My visit to Oregon was great and I was actually looking forward to seeing Hawkeye when I got back.

We kept in touch while I was away – talking on the phone every other day or so and texting in between. He continued to tell me how much he missed me and how excited he was for me to get back. I continued to not be able to say it back. I honestly just didn’t miss him. Of course I wanted to see him when I got back, but I wasn’t longing for him. I know that feeling, I’ve had it before, but I just didn’t have it for Hawkeye. I wasn’t sure if it was a sign or if it was just because I was preoccupied with family and being away.

On our second date, Hawkeye had asked me to go to the Insight Bowl with him. At that point the game was nearly a month away, but I agreed to go. He bought tickets and several days later told me he'd bought me a sweatshirt to wear to the game. I-O-W-A!

On our third date, Hawkeye asked me to spend New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas with him, his childhood friend, and his friend’s wife. I couldn’t agree to go right away and told him I’d have to think about it. I’d made tentative plans to spend NYE with Roommate. Since she had a pseudo bf at the time, I wasn’t sure what she was doing. I was excited that he’d asked me. How fun to spend NYE in Las Vegas!! I went back and forth about if I’d go.

I got back from Oregon late December 29. The Insight Bowl was December 30 and I agreed to spend the day with Hawkeye and his friends from out of town. We went to lunch and then spent a majority of the afternoon at bar before we headed to the stadium for the game.

It was good to see him, but I could tell things were off even during lunch. Our conversations were just surface level and I wasn’t feeling that passion and connection between us. I wanted so badly to just want him, but I didn’t.

I wanted to make the best of the day and in reality, I did have a good time. He’s a great guy, but just came on too strong for me. He asked me several times throughout the day if I was happy with us, where I thought things would lead and several other DTR type questions. Had I been on the same page as him, I would have been over the moon with the things he was saying to me and asking me. Here I was with a great guy in front of me and I just couldn’t reciprocate the feelings. He showed affection toward me all day – hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand, etc. I accepted the affection and did give it back, but still… something just wasn’t right.

During the game Royal T started texted me. He was out, nearby and wanted to meet up. Ugh! Now what? I slyly replied to Royal T and when Hawkeye asked who I was texting, I told him I was texting BFF about the game. I felt horrible because I knew it would crush him. Royal T knows all about Hawkeye, but Hawkeye knew nothing about Royal T. I’d even been talking to Royal T about how I was struggling with my feeling and he encouraged me to continue to see Hawkeye and let it play out. Royal T wanted to meet up and part of me really wanted to see him. My phone was about to die, but before it did Royal T told me where he’d be and told him I’d meet up with him if I could. Bad idea…? Possibly.

After the game, Hawkeye walked me to my car. We said our goodbyes and he expressed how bummed he was that I wouldn’t be joining him in Las Vegas. He also asked if I’d be around when he got back and asked me to save my NYE midnight kiss for him. Umm… where he thought I was going I have no idea, but maybe he was feeling the vibe that I wasn’t quite feeling it like he was and afraid I’d pull the plug while he was gone for the weekend.

I sat in my car for a few minutes contemplating what to do. Meet up with Royal T or not? I finally said, “What the hell?!” I made sure Hawkeye was out of site, got out of my car (cause I’d never find a better parking spot) and headed back to Mill Ave to meet up with Royal T.

[to be continued...]

gemini love forecast for the week of january 9

2012-01-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

Considering I have a date on Saturday, this is very interesting...

A lunar voyage to love is possible this weekend with the Libra Moon's shift into your 5th House of Romance on Saturday. However, the ride may be full of strange attractions and emotional surprises. You might encounter a compelling but controlling individual who is dangerously captivating. Make sure that you know who you're playing with before you let a mysterious person into your heart.

I never quite know if you can really believe these, but they are fun to read.

over before it began, part I.

2012-01-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog –

I promise to be better about posting in 2012.

Love, Penny

I seriously need to get better about this. I haven't lost interest in posting; I just fail to find the time. So, I have no idea what stories I was referring to in my last post. Nonetheless, I still have things to write about.

The first weekend in December I met Hawkeye. We'd been emailing, talking on the phone and texting the week prior, but met in real life December 3. We had plans to check out Zoo Lights, but the rain prevented that. He hadn't come up with a backup plan – which really annoyed me – and since we were on my side of town, I was left to come up with plans. We ended up at a sports bar for a couple beers.

It was a short date, but it went well. I knew that I did want to see him again. We seemingly had things in common and he was open about wanting a relationship. His blonde hair, blue eyes and height fit what I typically go for and he had a job he enjoyed. So far, so good.

He called me the next day and we made plans to see each other again. Dinner and wine and one of my favorite places – which he suggested and didn't even know I loved. We met there and he looked good! He was dressed casually in jeans, a cream colored sweater and flip-flops. I'm a fan of jean and flip-flops. Don't ask me why, I just love it. Maybe because it's nine times out of ten what I'm wearing. Anyway, dinner was nice. After dinner we headed downtown to The Duce – a cool kind of retro/vintage place in an old warehouse. We hung out there for a bit and then he walked me to my car, gave me a good night kiss (our first) and we went our separate ways.

The kiss was good. No fireworks, but there was still enough of something to keep my interest.

We remained in touch and made plans for another date. My schedule leading up to my Christmas vacation was nuts and didn't allow for many options. Hawkeye asked to dinner and ice skating and even drove out of his way to pick me up.

We grabbed a quick dinner, walked around downtown for a bit and then ice skated for an hour or so. After skating we had some frozen yogurt and then decided to call it a night.

And what happened next is where is all started to go downhill…

As we walked back to the car, he asked me, "So are we a thing?"

"Huh?!"

This was our third date and he was already trying to DTR. I was honestly shocked and all I could do was fumble over my words. I wasn't used to such up frontness. After all, I dated Captain Hook for basically a year and he never even called me his girlfriend. I skirted the question and changed the subject. It wasn't too long before he brought it up again on the car ride home. On our second date he'd asked if I was seeing anyone else. I'd said that I wasn't. I'd kinda forgotten about Royal T, but nonetheless, I was single. I still wasn't sure how to respond. I just told him that I liked him and was definitely interested in continuing to see him and see where things went. It was a total man answer, but it's all I had.

I've realized that my walls are still pretty high and I tend to keep myself guarded. When the right guy comes along, I'm sure they'll slide down, but until then I've got to watch my heart.

When Hawkeye dropped me off he expressed how much it was going to miss me. I was leaving in three days to spend two weeks with my family in Oregon. I didn't say it back, just said that it would definitely be a long time.

I decided it might be a good idea to spend some more time with him before I left. I invited him over to hang out the night before I left. I was just packing and that sort of thing, so it was pretty casual. He said I'd made his whole week by inviting him over and said he'd bring dinner.

We spent some time cuddled on the couch and even cuddled while lying on my bed. He never once made a move and I was kinda glad he didn't – we didn't even make out! I just wasn't feeling it from him. He had an early morning and headed home before it got too late. I walked him downstairs and we said our goodbyes. Him telling me again how much he was going miss me and all I could say in return was, "Yeah, it's gonna be a long time." Pretty sure that isn't the answer he was looking for.

Before I left for Oregon, I was feeling truly indifferent about him. I wanted it to work, but I just wasn't sure that it was going to. Even so, I wasn't going to throw in the towel just yet.

[to be continued…]

playing catch up.

2011-11-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

Once again, I’ve let what feels like an eternity in the blog world, go by without the slightest update. I haven’t even been on Twitter! The real world (e.g. work) has gotten in the way of my blogging. By the time I get home, looking at a computer is about the last thing I want to do.

Although things have been a bit chaotic, I’ve still had time for a few dating adventures here and there. Nothing really of note and in case you were wondering, I’m still single. I don’t even really have anyone on the line.

To somewhat resume where I left off – I did send one last email to Captain Hook. I never received a response. I didn’t expect to and I can honestly say I felt so much better after I sending it. I got a few last things off my chest and out of my heart. He’s been on my mind a lot again lately though. I’m chalking it up to it being the holiday season. We were together this time last year and the smell in the air and lights on the trees bring back those memories. I just have to remind myself there was reason we broke up. It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly a year since our second breakup. In many ways it seems like so much longer and at the same time it feels like yesterday. My scars are fading, but it’s gonna take a super special guy to make them go away completely. Captain Hook set the bar pretty high in some areas.

I also mentioned that Mile High had come out the woodwork. We were in touch for a few weeks and went out a few times. Then, just as he did before – he vanished. Funny thing is, just as before – I didn’t really care. There was something missing and not clicking between the two of us. C'est la vie!

The first week of November I went to Houston on a work trip. I’d been touch with Happy Bachelor and knew he was going to be in Houston during the same week. We’d sorta joked around about getting together for drinks or dinner or something. His itinerary changed last minute and it didn’t end up working out. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit bummed. It would have been interesting to see him again – it’s been two years. Although, he seems to be doing quite well, has been dating the same girl for those past two years and last I knew was talking about going ring shopping. I never thought I’d see the day! Further proof when a guy makes up his mind, it’s usually whatever lucky girl happens to be around at that moment.

Thanksgiving brought Royal T into town. We were able to get together Thursday evening for a few drinks that lead to a little fun – a little fun – not all the way fun. I mentioned before that I wasn’t all that attracted to him, which kind of changed over the last few months, but was gone again by Friday. I will say that I was more physically attracted to him than before. The chemistry was still there and kissing him was pretty amazing. But, the emotional part was still lacking. In person he’s much more subdued and after spending a few hours together, I realized we don’t have a whole ton in common. We had a few drinks and when back to his place. We made out for a bit, messed around a little and then he fell asleep/passed out. I tried to sleep, but his snoring wouldn’t allow it. I eventually got up and went home. There hasn’t been another chance to hang out and he leaves tomorrow.

I’ve got a few dating stories to tell in upcoming posts. I’ve also been thinking a lot about my non-negotiables and want to do a post about them. The dates I’ve been on recently have made them more and more obvious. I teeter on the line of wondering if I’m too picky. But, the way I look at it – if you’re going to potentially spend the rest of your life with someone, you should be. If I was solely looking for a boyfriend or just a relationship for the sake of being in one, I could have had that seven times over. It’s not just about that for me. I won’t settle, and I still believe he’s out there.

it was only a matter of time.

2011-10-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

I recently wrote about everyone coming out of the woodwork. I felt it was only a matter of time before I heard from the one I was nervous to hear from.

Last Sunday evening I got a text from Captain Hook. Ironically, it was 8 months to the day that we broke up. We had not been in contact since that day. If you remember, back in August I did a purge of all things Captain Hook (see too close for comfort). Because of that purge I didn’t even have his number in my phone anymore. So, when I got the text it register at first. It took a minute for me recognize the number and who it was before I responded.

My heart started beating a million miles a minute and my body started shaking uncontrollably. It was like I was cold and shivering, but wasn’t. It’s amazing to me how our bodies can physically react to our emotions. I didn’t know his reason for reaching out and it made me feel angry and confused and excited and nostalgic all at once.

Captain Hook told me he’d been thinking a lot about me lately. He also said he’d been downtown to a concert and it reminded him of something we would have done together. Basically, I’ve been on his mind a lot. A few texts back and forth and I finally had to be up front. I wish I had the text messages to post as I usually do, but I don’t. Essentially I said, “Ok, here’s the deal. If you miss me and want to get together and talk about things, then let’s do that. Let’s talk. If you just texted me to see how I was then you’re being completely unfair. You can’t just come out of nowhere, pop in and pop out.” He apologized for contacting me and said he wasn’t really in a different position and didn’t think getting together would be a good idea. He feared another repeat.

I ended the conversation telling him I only wanted to hear from him when he was ready for something close to what he knows I want.

It’s been several days and I haven’t heard from him again. I spent most of Monday and Tuesday and part of Wednesday being pretty upset and confused – randomly tearing up every time I'd think about it. I’m better today, but it’s all still in the back of my mind. It’s not a secret that I do think about him from time to time. Captain Hook is actually on my mind quite a bit. But, unlike him, I've kept it to myself – although I haven't always wanted to. I’ve gone back and forth about reaching out one last time and sending him an email, but I haven’t made a final decision. BFF thinks it would be a terrible idea and thinks I’d regret it, but I’m not convinced.

For now, I’m going about my life – dating, etc. – and if the day comes when he comes around, we’ll see where I am. I can’t say that I wouldn’t take him back, because I know all too well that if certain things changed and he said he was ready, I most likely would. Still, I know better than to sit around hoping and waiting. I have to carry on and live my life and I’m doing just that.

wtf?!

2011-10-07T14:21:00.001-07:00

I swear – there must be something in the air! Fall has finally arrived in Phoenix and all of a sudden, guys are coming out of every corner, but not new guys, guys from the past.

So, Monday it was Mile High and today… Mr. Ikea! I'll write about Mile High later, but the Mr. Ikea thing has me absolutely floored!

My profile is still up on Plenty of Fish and I have to admit that site is a total time suck. I can literally spend hours perusing profiles. It's ridiculous! I came across Mr. Ikea's profile a week or so ago, laughed it off and was on to the next. Well today, I got an email from PoF that said, "Milesj7278 wants to meet you!" Yeah, that's his username – look him up if you care too. I recognized the username since it's the one he always uses and I hope no one heard me say, "You've got to be f@&$ing kidding me!?" Mr. Ikea has got to be out of his mind if he thinks I'd give him another chance.

I decided to send him a message. I was feeling a bit spiteful and wanted to give him a small piece of my mind.

Me: So, I just got a message saying you wanna meet me.... forget you already have? LoL
Mr. Ikea: no penny.. I didn't forget. :)
Me: Guess that leaves me confused then.
Mr. Ikea: I can't blame you I guess. :) Heading Idaho this weekend and I guess it made me think of you. Have a good weekend.
Me: Yeah, not sure I'm up for going on a few dates and then getting ignored/blown off again. Been there, done that... twice. Sucks too, cause I really did like you. But I can't let history repeat itself for a third time.
Mr. Ikea: I figured. was worth a try anyway.
Me: Did you honestly think I would risk my feelings again? Bold I suppose, since you also totally ignored me in public on more than one occasion.
Mr. Ikea: I never ignored you. I said hi at Casey moores. I wasn't aware of any other occasion.
Me: Not that it matters at this point, but I don't recall the hello at Casey's and there was another time at Rula Bula. C'est la vi!
Mr. Ikea: Never saw you at Rula Bula. Sorry about that. Oui, c'est la vie.

In hindsight I should have gotten him to ask me out and then either stood him up or given it to him in person. It might have been more satisfying. Nonetheless, I don't think I'll be hearing from him again. What an idiot! I'm not some poor desperate girl who's gonna risk that again – no matter how nice his stomach is!

If you don't remember Mr. Ikea, below are some good posts:

lessons learned from craigslist’s missed connections.

2011-10-05T14:32:00.002-07:00

I’ve seriously had nothing to write about for the last week and now I have list.

This has actually become kind of a comedic story. My brother was in town for a long weekend and on Friday we decided to hike Camelback Mountain. It’s been awhile since I’ve been hiking and it didn’t take long to discover that I am in not-so-great shape. I had to take a few breaks here and there.

So, we’re part way up and out of nowhere I get attacked by a giant bee. This thing was HUGE and wouldn’t leave me alone. We later found out it was a Carpenter Bee – freaking huge ass bee! Shortly after my brother rescued me by swatting it out of the air, this guy came around the corner. He’d heard all the commotion and asked if we were ok. Hmm… he seemed kinda cute and he was really friendly.

We went our separate ways – he was headed down the mountain and we were headed up.

My brother and I got most of the way to top and I called it quits. I was busted and ready to head back down. He wanted to continue. I said, “Go for it! I’ll wait here.” So, I sat on a rock in the shade and he headed to the summit.

Several people passed me on their way up or down. Low and behold, the guy we’d passed earlier was headed back to the top. He kinda stopped on the trail near where I was. I made a comment to him, “Hey, weren’t you just on your way down?!” He said he was and was headed up again in an effort to get into shape. Let me tell you – there are plenty of people who run up and down Camelback Mountain and I admire the hell out of them for it. That mountain has conquered me 4 times now! It’s tough, but I’m gonna try and make it this winter.

Anway… we chatted for a bit and I told him my brother was headed to the top, but I’d quit. He told me I needed to just do and sorta suggested I come along with him. I politely declined and he went on his way.

A few days later I had a what-the-hell moment and decided to post one of those listings in the Missed Connections section of Craigslist. I’d never done it before, but I always read them. You never know when you may have crossed paths with Prince Charming!

This morning, I woke up to email from Green Shirt Guy. I wasn’t sure that I was him though. I mean, how can one really tell? He sent me a photo and I’m still not sure. I’ve asked him to tell me what I was wearing – but I still doubt I’d meet him. I’ll be honest and say that I was disappointed by the photo. It’s amazing how much sunglasses and bandana can change a person’s appearance. Not to mention he sorta looks like a creeper and called me cupcake. Ugh!

Fun to know those ads to work though! I might to try it again with a better prospect! :)

the next best thing.

2011-09-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I assured BFF that I’m aware I’m playing with fire. I’m not talking about a campfire here; I’m talking about a potential bonfire. It’s hard to believe it’s been a week already, but I spend last Sunday afternoon with Aqua Man.

We watched football, talked about all kinds of random things, flirted, and then of course one thing led to another. I have to admit that I was the one who made the first move. We were standing in the kitchen talking and flirting and joking around and I just kinda went up next to him, stood on my tip-toes and went for the kiss. It was the awkward moment while were standing there both knowing what we wanted to happen, but someone had to be brave enough to make the move.

Kissing Aqua Man is ridiculous! We have crazy good chemistry and it becomes very apparent when our lips meet. No one will ever be able to argue me about the importance of a kiss. It’s the only true test of chemistry I know. Making out didn’t last too long and things got heated quickly.

I am definitely playing with fire and I know it. I really do like Aqua Man and he’s the type of guy I could possibly see myself with long-term. But I have to be realistic and understand that isn’t going to happen any time soon and potentially never. For now, I am totally fine being FWBs.

Essentially, I have the same relationship with Aqua Man that I had with Happy Bachelor. Essentially they are the same, but they couldn’t be more different. I actually feel like Happy Bachelor and I are more friends now than we ever were then. It was always just about sex with us. We never really had conversations about anything – at least not which stand out in my mind. I’m little older and more mature in this new situation than I was then. I understand it better and know that it is what it is. With Happy Bachelor, I always wanted more and we were never quite on the same page. Being older and wiser has taught me the importance of being on the same page and asking the important questions and setting boundaries. Aqua Man and I talked about protection and STDs and also agreed our partnership would be exclusive. That was super important to me! I’m not sleeping around and wouldn’t want him to either. I wish I would have thought to have those discussions with Happy Bachelor! Had Happy Bachelor and I talked about those things, it would have been a completely different story and would have saved me a lot of tears and heartache. I will say one thing though – as of now, Happy Bachelor was much more generous in some areas (if you get my drift).

I feel completely ok with how things between Aqua Man and I are. I understand the risks and possible hurt that come along with casual sex. And I'm thankful for my relationship with Happy Bachelor. I've never regretted it, but now look at it as an experience that taught me a lot. It’s definitely helped me see this situation clearly and be ok with it. I know it’s not really what I want and could be viewed as settling, but for now, maybe that is what I need. Just a little something to take the edge off. Ha!

on the line.

2011-09-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Although I'm not entirely sure I want to see The Bald One again, I'm a little annoyed by his actions. We sorta left things at a weird point, and I assumed from his actions, like me, he was not really interested.

He never responded to my response on Sunday. I thought it was strange, but whatever. Yesterday afternoon he sent me another text – "Hey Hey Hey! How you been?" It was several hours before I sent – "Hey! It's been a crazy busy week!" And from that… nothing.

I realize the whole "busy" thing is possibly the worst response. I also realize that saying you're busy might as well be code for I'm not interested – but in my defense I have been busy. Work has been non-stop on my brain and has taken up several evenings this week. Ah, deadlines! Although, it's true we make time for those who matter. The Bald One just doesn't really matter to me at this point.

My overall thought is that if he really wanted to see me again, or take me out on a real date he'd make it happen. He hasn't made an effort and I'm not about to make the effort for someone I'm only so-so about. So, at this point it seems as though he's just keeping me on the line. I get it, I've done it too, but it doesn't make it right. It can make it awkward. Some days I feel like I've got Royal T on my line – for now at least.

I can't even tell you what I'd do if he asked me out again. I'm pretty much over it. And the world of online dating moves quickly – just like the transit system, there will be another bus or train along soon.

a quote.

2011-09-21T21:23:00.001-07:00

I just came across this saying and it's kind of the mood I'm in tonight, so I thought it was only fitting to share.

"A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible... No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Nevermind."

the bald one.

2011-09-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

I met The Bald One on eHarmony a couple weeks ago. We'd been matched a while ago, but never connected. I thought he was cute and liked his profile, but decided I'd let him contact me if was interested. His profile also said that he lived in Las Vegas and a long-distance relationship is not exactly what I want.

Well, he made the move and started contact with me. It'd been a while since I'd looked at his profile, so I went back to revisit it. He'd updated it and mentioned he was soon moving to Phoenix. With that in mind, I answered his questions and started the communication process. We went through eHarmony's guided communication before sending each other several emails. In those emails we exchanged numbers and then made arrangements to meet.

Last Sunday evening we met at sports bar in his neighborhood – which coincidentally, used to be my neighborhood. We had food and couple drinks and really hit it off. The Bald One had his shit together and I can appreciate that more than anything these days. In the few hours we spent together, there were no red flags and we both enjoyed each other's company. It was one of those conversations were the phrase, "Me too!" was used more than once. It was good. He told me I was amazing and asked when he could see me again. Plans for a second date were made before we parted ways.

We agreed to meet up Thursday, but had no set plans. He didn't actually make hard and fast plans with me until a couple hours before he picked me up – yes, I let him pick me up. As most of you know, I for the most part HATE last minute plans. Especially when it's things like a date. I like to know what I'm doing well in advance so that I can plan accordingly. Anyway, I let it slide and decided that I'd attempt to correct the behavior, should it continue.

He asked me if I wanted to go to the mall to help him pick out sunglasses and that's what we did. It worked out well because I needed to grab a few things at the mall as well. I also think it can be fun shopping with a guy. It gives you a mission to accomplish and accomplishing a task with a partner can be a fun and rewarding experience. So, we found him some sunglasses – he'd already researched online what he wanted, so it made it really easy. I needed to go by Dillard's and Lush. I warned him he might not be so into Lush. It's a very fragrant store and gives some people, including BBF, sensory overload and a headache. Surprisingly, The Bald one thought Lush was pretty awesome. Ok, I'll take that.

After we'd accomplished our missions, we headed to the car and headed home. The Bald One said he wanted to take me out on a real date that weekend (this past weekend) – dinner, drinks, dancing, etc. Saturday was mentioned and that was that.

Before dropping me back at home he took me through his old neighborhood. The neighborhood he lived in prior to moving to Las Vegas. The Bald One also talks non-stop. I could barely get a word in and wasn't all that entertained with the topics of conversation. He dropped me off and gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. The kiss was slightly better than the one at the end of our previous date, but still nothing to get excited about. He's not a good kisser and kissing didn't do a damned thing for me. Argh! Nonetheless, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we parted ways saying we'd be in touch soon.

The earth hadn't moved, but a third date was in order to make a final decision. Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday came and went without so much as a "hey, how are ya?" text from The Bald One. So much for that Saturday evening date. Late Sunday I got this text, "I love the shades, have a weird craving for organic soap." Huh? The text was so random I didn't even know how to respond. I waited a few minute and responded simply with, "Good deal!" I did not get a response back.

What I wanted to say was, "What the hell?" He mentioned nothing about Saturday. Maybe he'd just thrown that out there and expected me to follow up on it. Who knows! What I do know is that I'm not nearly as interested as I was after our first meeting. Not sure I have any interest in seeing The Bald One again.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention - The Bald One and Captain Hook have the same name! But, it's spelled differently and therefore seems different when I say it because I'm visualizing the spelling in my head.

a word about royal t.

2011-09-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

Nothing has really changed on the Royal T front, but it nonetheless deserves an update.

We continue to chat via text and IM on an almost daily basis. Because baseball season lasts for an eternity, he’s still living in another city and we haven’t seen each other again. Things got a little interesting after everything with Aqua Man went down, though.

Royal T was going to be in town the last week of August and we’d scheduled a date for that Thursday. Still not 100% in, I agreed to it. Well, that was before the Aqua Man hookup. Thinking things with Aqua Man might actually happen, I went back and forth on whether or not I should meet up with Royal T. I decided I really had nothing to lose and kept the date. Royal T got called out of town at the last minute for work and our date was cancelled. So, that took care of that.

The other thing is that I told Royal T about Aqua Man. We seem to have this “relationship” where we are able to be completely open with each other. It’s both good and bad I suppose. He was less than thrilled that I’d hooked up with someone other than him, but there is not much I could do about that.

My biggest struggle with Royal T is that I’m not super attracted to him and for some reason I just can't let my wall down with him. The thing I fight is the strange chemistry we have. You can’t deny chemistry. So, while he may be 10 years my senior and lacking the hot body of Aqua Man, the chemistry and attention keep me on the line. He seems like a good guy and it’s worth meeting up with him when he returns to Phoenix. I’d really like to see if there is anything there before I just throw in the towel. After all, we have been talking for nearly 6 months! And since I have not much else going on at this point – que sera, sera.

I feel like BFF with all these guys on the line. LoL

the aqua man update.

2011-09-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

When I last wrote about Aqua Man my thoughts were consumed by him. Hard to believe that it's nearly been a month since I've seen him. Several days after our late night swim I was itching to know what he was thinking. Going into it I knew the whole deal could go either way. I just had my fingers crossed that it would go the way I wanted it to – which as of now, hasn't happened.

I couldn't take it anymore and sent him a text on Thursday of the following week. We'd texted a few times earlier in the week, but nothing was said about getting together. I wanted to see him again, so I did the asking. In our previous conversation he'd mentioned possibly going to the cabin for the weekend. The text conversation stems from that.

I would have much rather had this conversation in person, but it just didn't seem like it was going to play out that way. I needed answers and anyone who knows me knows I have the patience of a 3-year-old.

Me: Headed north this weekend?
Aqua Man: No, I may be working sat. I also didn't realize there are ufc fights on Saturday, my buddy and I had planned on meeting for them. Down time would be great :(
Me: Busy, busy guy. :) Wanna grab dinner tomorrow night and just chill?
Aqua Man: I know, and I don't think it will slow down any year soon! Think I'm gonna have to take a rain check...I'll owe you dinner.
Me: Ha! Guess I'm just a little confused... Maybe confused isn't the right the right word.
Aqua Man: What are you "confused" about?
Me: Obviously we didn't plan on what happened Friday to happen. Whether or not it meant anything doesn't really matter. It was good, I had fun, I don't regret it and I'd do again in a heartbeat. I guess I just kinda wonder what you're thinking..? I do like you quite a bit, but have no idea even you even like me back. I was gonna wait and figured this would come if we hung out again, but I don't wanna wait another 6 months for that to happen. Lol Ultimately I just wanna be on the same page. :)
Aqua Man: I don't regret it either, glad you don't! I get the feeling you are super ready for a serious relationship, and I'm not right now. I feel like even dating is hard right now. Nothing against you, I just don't think we are at the same level right now. Sorry for saying "right now" so many times!
Me: I don't know about the super serious part, but I would definitely like someone to spend my free time with. Kinda seems like you want all your free time to yourself. I'm not one to just randomly have sex with someone so I'm in some uncharted water as far as that goes. It's just harder to be blown off now that we've done that. So, what now?
Aqua Man: "Blown off", it hasn't even been a week. This is what I'm talking about...I don't have a lot of free time, and yes, I do enjoy the hour or 2 a night. I don't know what's next, but I'm not looking for anything serious right now, I thought I was pretty clear. Sorry, I sincerely home u don't feel dicked over. I don't just hook up w/girls either. It happened, and I enjoyed it, but I don't think it instantly translates into relationship status.
Me: I didn't mean I was already feeling blown off. Sorry, that was a bad selection of words that make me sound like a lunatic. I absolutely don't think it translates to relationship status either, so please don't think I do. I also don't necessarily feel dicked over, just hoped that maybe we could hang out a little more often as friends, a hook up, whatever. Bottom line: you're a cool guy and I have fun hanging out with you. No one ever said anything about a relationship, so my bad. And the last thing I want to do annoy you or be a pest, so we just gotta lay down the boundaries. Sorry this got way outta control. :/
Aqua Man: Guess I assumed relationship because the getting used to sharing a bed and hanging out comments. It needed to be discussed, I didn't want to lead you on or anything. I'm just really happy with life and not looking for any big changes. We can still hang out, or whatever, but I can't say for sure how often... I know, I suck at making plans, I just like to go w/the flow. And I do think you are a cool girl too.
Me: I get that. Sometimes I just talk without thinking. Guess I'll let you be and hear from you when you're bored enough to send me a text. Or want some more pool sex. Lol
Me: We're just acquaintances/friends that crossed the line.
Aqua Man: I read into what people say a lot. Bored enough, don't say it like that! Can't lie, the pool sex was amazing! Haha. Friends yes...line, eh it happened.
Me: Yeah, it happened and will most likely happen again at some point in time.... maybe. If nothing else we've definitely got some chemistry.
Aqua Man: Can't argue with that. At the point of getting akward... I got hard just thinking of the pool sex! Haha. Sorry.

And from there it got a little risqué. I can't pretend that I wasn't a little upset with the outcome of the conversation. I really liked Aqua Man – still do. He's still the only guy I've met that doesn't make me miss Captain Hook in some way or another.

I seem to want the ones I can't have. BBF said this morning, "You want something real but you end up feeling a connection with the ones who don't. Is it because the ones who do come on too strong, are too interested? " It's true. When they come on too strong I lose interested, but I'm pretty particular about chemistry and don't feel it with everyone. It takes something for the chemistry to truly spark within me.

Aqua Man and I have texted a few times, but haven't gotten together again. For now, I know it would just be a hooking up thing, which I know I shouldn't do – but it was good and I want to. Damn! There was potential to hang out last weekend, but we didn't. Maybe this weekend..?

out of the woodwork, but not off the island.

2011-09-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I received a random IM on Facebook. Guess who it was from? Drummer Boy! I couldn't even tell you the last time I'd spoken to him – but after a little research on the blog, I know it's been at least almost two years. The crazy part is just how quickly two years have gone by.

Being friends on Facebook, I knew he'd been in a relationship. A relationship that had obviously ended and henceforth he was reaching out to me. One of his first questions was, "Are you seeing anyone?" After responding that I wasn't, the next question was, "Any FWBs?" Nope! None of those either. Yup! I'm pretty sure Drummer Boy was looking for a hookup. Truth be told, we did have some crazy chemistry. But, aside from making out and some flirty text messages – nothing ever happened between us and I'm okay keeping it way.

Drummer Boy is clearly not looking to jump back into a relationship and I totally understand that. I on the other hand, feel more than ready. I know a relationship is what I want. I also know that randomly hooking up with him or Aqua Man isn't the path to get me to what I want. So, Drummer Boy and I have chatted a few times, but he got awfully quite when I was upfront in telling him that hooking up wasn't in the cards for us. I will be in a committed relationship with the next person I have sex with. I'm holding myself to that and know it's the best thing for me. No more giving the oxytocin away for free!

I've got some Aqua Man updates and promising first date update and I also need to post more about Royal T. Hopefully, I can get those in the next few days.

too close for comfort.

2011-08-25T18:10:00.001-07:00

I started this post a couple weeks and never got around to finishing and posting it. It’s just a reminder to me about how quickly things can change. In just a matter of a few days my thoughts have completely shifted from one person to another. Nonetheless, I still wanted to post this entry. It was originally dated August 11.

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The past several weeks have been just that – too close for comfort. Captain Hook can’t seem to stay of my mind’s radar and I can’t shake it.

It seems lately that I’m being constantly reminded of him. I hear his favorite songs on the radio, see cars like his on the road and dozens of other things that flip that switch in my head. It’s difficult to fully move on when things are constantly in my face. But, it’s time to move on – it’s been almost 7 months since we broke up.

Last weekend I did something I should have done long ago. I went through all my emails and deleted everything from Captain Hook. My phone automatically backs up text messages to a folder my inbox and I had a special folder with every text message Captain Hook ever sent me saved in it. Purged! The folder went too. And along with the emails and the texts went his phone number and his email address (which I still have memorized, unfortunately.) It was the full on technology purge. I still have photos of him, but I can’t accidentally call a photo or email it in a moment of weakness.

It’s sad, but also feels good. I don’t need constant reminders of him. The process of moving on has been difficult enough. But, just when I thought it was all under control – I had a dream that turned it on end.

I’ve had almost the same dream several times. It’s this lovely dream where we get back together and everything is rainbows and unicorns. We pick up right where we left off and it’s fun and flirty and comfortable – just as it always was. The worst part about these dreams is how real they are. They are the kind of dreams where you wake up and actually think it happened. But instead, I wake up and realize that I am still alone and I still miss Captain Hook from time to time.

Moving on is difficult and getting over Captain Hook is one of the hardest things I’ve done, and I’ve had to do it twice – although, it’s been a whole lot easier this time. In a conscious mind I don’t fantasize about getting back together with him because I know better. I know that we tried that and I know that nothing would change. I also know that there is someone out there for me. Someone who will be proud to call me his girlfriend, introduce me to his family and friends, and will be able to return those three little words after six months together.

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Obviously, since then I took a step with Aqua Man (Brunch Boy’s new handle), and my thoughts are now centered around the possibility of starting something really great with him. We’ve been in touch, but haven’t made formal plans to get together. I’m hoping for this weekend, but we shall see.

I’d just like to know what’s next and what his thoughts are. I kinda know what I want, but don’t know where he is. What happened nearly a week ago was fun and totally spontaneous, but has left me with some unanswered questions. Hopefully I’ll get a couple answers in the next few days. I’m staying optimistic, but could be ok with several different outcomes. I like more than I've liked anyone in a long time and know he's worth being patient for.