Penny Wised Up

Spring Refreshing

2012-03-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to spend a ton of time this spring "cleaning" - instead I will be refreshing everything. My outlook, my habits, my planning, my apartment. I've lived in the same place for a number of years, and have accumulated a ton of clutter and dust bunnies - now it is awkward to bring people over because I didn't realize how very cave-like my home has become!

I will of course attempt to make my changes one at a time. My first goal is to keep the tv off at night and live more life.

Looking Back

2011-12-13T11:08:00.000-08:00

While I have done a better job tracking my money and payments over the last year, I have not made an actual dent in the amount of money I owe on my credit cards. . . .

I'm not terribly surprised. I've been trying to keep up with my regular standard of living - one that was established back when I was living at home with two working parents providing everything for me. Yes, I still feel like I have access to the wealth we had when I was 10 years old. My income always drops slightly for November and December while my consumer shopping impulses rise dramatically.

Thanks commercials.

So, while I am wearing a really cuuu-uuute sweater that was 40% off, I'm freaking out about how to pay my utilities for the first time. I've always been able to get rent and utilities taken care of by the 5th (or 6th) of the month. The cashflow has just been really stunted on the in-flow while still moveing freely on the outflow. And I still really want a pair of brown flats. . . .

I think secretly, I still believe in prince charming or a fairy godmother to make the past go away. Or the magical lottery ticket that I never buy but I will win the lottery anyway. Obviously, this psychosis needs to be dealt with before financial health will come my way. Because I fool myself into thinking I'm living frugally but then spend more than I make on a regular basis. No more making fun of people with massive credit card debt. Because I am that people.

Hard time for the Holidays

2011-12-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

Is "Hard time" a euphemism for jail/prison?

Not what I mean here. What I'm going for is the pain and suffering that comes from not-knowing. My significant other is awesome at his job and received a bunch of accolades from the upper echelon of management - that would be a good thing except for the fact that his corporate headquarters are far, far away. And he is pretty certain that he will receive a promotion to work at the corporate headquarters in the not-too-distant future.

Waves of suckitude. Because I am in a 2 year teaching-cert program. Because long-distance is fraught with danger. Because I've been imagining having his babies and being his wife. Because he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't know how to keep me. BECAUSE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS POTENTIAL PROMOTION AT ALL!

The only thing I could potentially control in this? Breaking up the relationship. And as that is the exact opposite of what I want happening, I have taken to praying to all of the Saints I can think of - St. Jude, patron of hopeless cases, St. Anthony, to help me find my mind, St. Cecelia, patroness of the arts because relationships certainly aren't an exact science.

So in the meantime, we wait. And my holidays are covered in dismal thoughts of relationship uncertitude.

Adults who think too much

2011-12-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

As a child, part of the freedom of youth is not over thinking things. Crushes are crushes, books are truth, adults are right.

As I've gotten older (not yet old), my brain works things over and over - putting time and energy into the skills of analysis that I've picked up throughout my education. How do we solve the inequalities in the world? Why does an author choose this language over that? What was my senator thinking when he or she voted that way?

One of my classes this semester was comprised of a group of adults (some still traditional college students, most of us had years between high school and this course - "life experience") given the task of reading and responding to Young Adult literature. We had discussions about things from the ease and prevalence of meth addiction to the appropriateness of adolescent novels covering the topic of rape. What we didn't hear was simple "I liked it" or "I hated it." Every opinion was based on exhaustive analysis of whether or not a book had a right to exist in the hands of youth.

I'm not saying blind acceptance is preferred - absolutely not. Higher level thought is vital to our country's discourse because every decision we make affects up to 7 billion people globally.

I'm just saying it is TIRING!

When Things Matter

2011-11-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have been very focused inward for the past few months. Starting school again has made my brain full of thoughts of studying and learning and questioning my professors.

However, an email from my AmeriCorps Alums group has caught my attention and called me to #FighttheZERO.

Apparently, Members of Congress believe it is an option to eliminate funding for AmeriCorps completely. I disagree. We must look beyond the ideas that our country is lagging in education and losing its competitive edge, and we must see what we are getting correct. A nationally-organized service organization is right. An opportunity for young people to serve is right. A resurgance in volunteerism and civic-mindedness is right.

AmeriCorps makes our country stronger in so many ways. Just look for the twitter topic #FighttheZERO to see the multitude of Americans who were changed for the better from a year or two of service to other Americans.

I'll be an active part of the political landscape as I can, first by using social media as @mspennypolitico to contact the requisite politicians. Because, yes, service matters.

Crazy Girl

2011-09-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

This post is being written while I listen to "Crazy Girl" by the Eli Young Band. (Click the post title for a link to the video)

Every once in a while (let's call it once a moon), I definitely find myself crazy. I'm angsty and worried. I can't stop thinking about things that I can't control. In particular, I'm worried about the feelings my significant other has for me. I know, objectively, that he enjoys spending time with me and cares for me deeply. I see evidence of this fact in our daily phone calls, our weekend adventures.

The problem is, he isn't emotionally expressive. We've talked about our relationship a few times; I've seen him struggle putting his feelings into words. So I understand that I'm going to have to trust that he cares for me if he doesn't outright say it. But what I wouldn't I give for him to say the lyrics of "Crazy Girl?"

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you?
I wouldn't dream of going nowhere
Silly woman come here let me hold you
Have I told you lately I love you like crazy, girl?

I mean, obviously, I would analyze the diminutives that the band uses when referring to the "girl" or "silly woman." But I can relate to both wanting an outright expression of love, and realizing that my sig. other's actions show that he cares about me like crazy.

But today, I'm just worried. Does he like me enough? Am I a priority in his life? Where do I fit into his future? I've had guys talk about the future gratuitously, and I've received a few meaningless drunk "I love yous." And those relationships have all ended. So I know that words can be used without meaning. And his actions certainly say what other guys' words have not.

Yet, today, my mind refuses to calm. And I know I have to be careful and not act completely crazy. But this is definitely the phase of the moon where I have less control over my feelings. I could use an outright declaration, a statement of devotion, a reassurance in words which can hold stronger in my mind than memories of reaching for my hand to hold in public.

"Student loans: A crisis in waiting"

2011-09-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

Looks like I am not alone in the loan/income struggle. My MSN homepage featured a nicely written, short article about the state of student loans. And yes, my total loan balance is higher than the average.

Here's the final paragraph:

""Unless students limit their debt burdens, choose fields of study that are in demand, and successfully complete their degrees on time, they will find themselves in worse financial positions and unable to earn the projected income that justified taking out their loans in the first place," Moody’s writes."

That is a LOT for an 18-22 year old to think about! I know I certainly wasn't thinking of college as an investment that needed a certain amount of returns before being worthwhile. College was what happened after high school. You go to college for an education and experience life on your own. And if a private school offers you scholarships and feels like a good place to call home for 4 years, that's all there is to it.

Sure, I could have majored in healthcare or engineering. But I'm not sure I would have been successful in either area. My passion is for people, particularly low-income families and education for all. There just isn't money in working with kids. They aren't yet producers and there will just never be money in working with people who don't have a lot.

See the whole article by following the link below:

http://money.msn.com/saving-money/article.aspx?post=557c0396-01c7-426b-8438-976aac650f27

Money Diet Fail

2011-09-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

You know those nights, where it is 11pm and you're starving and the only thing in the fridge is Greek yogurt or Hormel pepperoni?

This was me last night - I'm starrrrving! I want cheeeeeese! I tried microwaving some frozen veggies, but without cream cheese or provel cheese or any meat to be had in the house (hmm didn't consider frozen veggies and pepperoni. . . maybe next night of desperation). I didn't have time to run to the grocery store before it closed because of an assignment I had put off which was due at midnight. And let's be honest, I didn't feel like going back in the car and out.

Soooo I ordered a pizza. and not any discount pizza. name-brand-$15-bc-I-like-multiple-toppings pizza. Proud of myself for not getting the 2 liter soda to go along with it. So angry with myself for such a lame move.

I really do not have this whole eating on a budget idea down. Know that I make terrible decisions when underfed. Need guru. And need to crave yogurt before it goes bad. I'm thinking yogurt for lunch tomorrow! With a side of pepperoni. Get psyched tastebuds, it's gonna be interesting.

At least I have some leftover pizza for tonight ;)

Half-time deferment rules!

2011-08-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

Back to school means -

NO STUDENT LOAN PAYMENTS FOR TWO YEARS!!!

I'm so excited! Still working out how to make the best use of my $$ during this time period. Pretty sure that it only frees things up to help pay for credit card balances. And perhaps, I'll be able to save for tuition/book money for next semester. I'm still doing that whole "Cut Back" mentality and trying to restrict unnecessary spending.

Still, I'm looking around my apartment from time to time, trying to figure out what I could perhaps sell and get money from. Also, I am planning on not renewing my current lease and moving in with a roommate this winter, a savings of up to $100 per month!

It is a beautiful day, folks.

On "Change Is Slow"

2011-06-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

"If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind... "By Sister Hazel

I love this song and I am working so dilligently on trying to change my mindset and let that lead my changed actions. So let's recognize the good changes I have made:

* I bought ingredients at the grocery store last night instead of frozen meals or weird single lady food
* I went for a walk on tuesday after work - having packed my workout clothes in the morning!
* I agreed to a big change with my hair color and cut, so that I would be more polished looking when I head to work
* I made an appointment with a career advisor to see if I can get out of this JOB and into something I actually want to do
* I took out the trash even though I didn't want to

Aaaaand I'm actively ignoring the things that I have done wrong over the past week. I don't have to do them wrong again, and my mind is not getting any healthier or happier if I dwell on negative thoughts.

More neutral or happy thoughts to come. I'm changing my mind to be more positive and focusing on the things going well.

Oh, also? It may not be seen here due to the lack of time I spend editing, but I am awesome at grammar!

I forgot about the Caffeine!!!!

2011-05-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Official day 2 of not buying breakfast - partial success. I left the house knowing that my free pastry from panera was waiting for me - and did not actually follow through on my thoughts to set up the timer on my coffee pot.

So I stopped for gas and bought a soda. I didn't even really want a soda since it is a chilly fake-spring day - I wanted coffee but it is more expensive!

I may have forgotten to explain/define exactly what this step accomplishes on my list of goals - to save calories and money and bc I admire people who get up in the morning and do stuff around the house before leaving for work. I really want to become someone I admire instead of someone who feels guilty for her shortcomings on a regular basis.

So - will continue working on this whole breakfast-at-home thing.

And let's celebrate how awesome I was last night - I both did dishes AND cleared the drain on my bathtub AND cleaned it. A slow moving drain will cause a bathtub to get ridiculously dirty. Yes, flowing water carries away your scum. No, the scum on a slow-draining tub doesn't look clean, even if I do after showering. I feel like an accomplished grownup whenever I tackle routine cleaning projects.

Tomorrow, I'll contemplate posting the entire list of my goals. I'm torn between putting them up here - on one hand, it will help me stay focused / on the other, a list can tend to make me feel overwhelmed.

Inspiration

2011-05-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

More text to come - essentially needing a new project in my life. Thinking about journaling on healthy lifestyle changes. So that I can lose my 20lbs to buy a new pair of shoes (current goal!). And so that I can have a purpose in life since my job is a job and not a career.

Will add more to this post later today . . .

Added: I have been reading blogs since procrastinating during senior year of college. http://www.dooce.com/ still makes me laugh out loud and I looooove all of her photographs. She led me to http://www.loveisblonde.com/ which led me to Mission: Put-Together this past Feb which led me to http://www.heidikins.com/ All very fun to read - each at different places in their lives. I will definitely say that I have been influenced greatly by each which will show up from time to time in the style or content of my writing.

And Mission: Put - Together made me go to http://www.boden.com/ and http://www.anthropologie.com/ to make the inspirational collage at the top of this post.

I need my life to be more "put-together" or productive or even interesting. This past weekend was typical for me - sleep too much, read a lil bit, reach out to my limited social network. The positive note is that I didn't spend much money. The negative side is I felt like a very boring person.

The book I started reading last night is A Golden Age by Tahmima Anam about the civil war that led E. Pakistan into its new life as Bangladesh. One of the early passages describes a mother of two, enjoying dawn as it spans across her garden. She is peaceful even though she's had to make a number of sacrifices to be at that place in her life.

I want to get to that type of peaceful place. Many days I awake with a feeling of "annoyance" or worse, total depressive thoughts (not to be confused with days of depression). I have so many good things on my side - indoor plumbing, supportive family, generous boyfriend (still a new relationship - when does that new feeling change into "I-can't-remember-life-without-you"?)

So I have many goals and have written out some steps to take. So that I don't get overwhelmed by doing too much at the beginning and FAIIIILLLLING - the first step is going to be ~

Eat breakfast at home

So far, I have accomplished this every day since Friday. Monday will be my official adding of steps day, and I'm excited to continue this trend which has already shown some success. I have an easy (free) pastry to consume tomorrow, and the real trick will be Wednesday. Getting up early enough to either make eggs or oatmeal.

I'm definitely scared of change. Not in love with who I am, but don't know if I'll like the new person as much either. . .

Eggs and Eggs

2011-05-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Some of my negative feelings are stemming from the fact that I am a) poor b) lumpy.

Seriously, have a credit card problem. Spent $455.81 in the last few weeks. Legitimate trips to the grocery store? Gasoline? sure. but also going out and dining out, and not letting boyfriend spoil me when we go out with my family (pride? or just not the same as a date? not sure but has a negative impact on my financial health. no more wine bars, MOM!)

Seriously, have a physical fitness/appearance problem. Was photographed in a t-shirt and workout shorts on mother's day. Wearing a fitted shirt today. Serious lumps/rolls/extra flesh I don't want underneath revealed by photos and even the mirror!

So, how do I keep eating? Bc food is costly AND necessary. So eggs it is. I already have about 2 dozen (bc of an easter miscommunication). Can a girl be malnourished if eggs become her protein for every single meal for 2 weeks? Or will my body simply eat my fat as hoped for? and my credit card balances not rise?

I can get creative with canned tuna and tomatoes and other veggies. Also, I have 4 different types of cheese in my fridge (mostly processed enough to never spoil oops).

Soo . . . . challenge accepted!!

Doldrums

2011-05-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

Is that how it is spelled? This feeling that I have nothing to look forward to, no goals, no plans, no motivation?

I still do things that make me happy - fleetingly.

And work sucks.

I like talking about myself

2011-03-10T09:01:00.000-08:00

Even more so with short paragraphs.

I store ponytail holders in convenient, if not ultra organized ways. I have a few in my desk at work, some on my nightstand, my dresser, my side table in the living room, and in a basket in the bathroom. But never in the kitchen. Hair accessories do not belong in the kitchen.

I primarily date online. I don't know how to meet men in real life. And I may be too standoffish for any men to strike up a conversation with me. I let down my defenses online - which may be why I get hurt so much. . . my 20s are for learning how to date, right?

I've been carrying around too much weight for most of my life. So I've given up soda for Lent. Which may actually lead to more expense for me for the next 40 days. Unfair that soda is less than a dollar and my favorite skim-milk coffee drinks are more than three dollars. And possibly almost as many sugary calories. Maybe my coffee maker does still work. Do coffee grounds last 2 years? ;)

I am a terrible housekeeper and I am pretty sure that is why men break up with me. They appreciate my boobs but not my dust bunnies. Note to self: cleaning dust bunnies is both exercise and visually rewarding! Also, if I have clean coffee mugs, I will be more likely to eat breakfast at home and save money.

I use rewards from my credit card as excuses to spend money. I do not think I am alone in this, but I would like to re-evaluate the wisdom of using revolving debt in this way. . .

Cooking out of the pantry

2011-03-02T11:27:00.000-08:00

Saving money success! I have a friend staying with me for the next 10 days or so, and she is encouraging with the whole "let's have food at home and save money and eat healthier" (Except she pulls out Hershey's bars after dinner for us to share for dessert!!!)

She noticed that I had 2 cans of garbanzo beans AKA chickpeas in my pantry and said something about making hummus. . . since I don't have a food processor, I looked for a recipe online that could use them whole and found this amaaaaazing vegetarian dish!

http://www.food.com/recipe/chickpeas-with-spinach-greek-81968

We made it last night, after I worked until 7:30 and it was easy peasy. The hardest part was dicing the onion and then sauteeing it without burning the garlic - I have the tendency to want to use high heat. After that, I just threw in the rest of the ingredients and watched tv while the flavors mingled . . .

So, had the chickpeas, had the frozen spinach, had garlic and red pepper flakes, and spices (made it without paprika bc I don't know where that ran off to) . . purchased lemons and tomatoes and onions and FETA to make it awesome! so overall, spent approximately $7 more dollars on the meal. And have just had the leftovers for lunch, and will have enough to eat it again tomorrow and Friday . . . if I don't offer any to my office mates.

I feel good about eating the veggies and VERY GOOD about the fact that I have at least 3 meals out of this delicious, fairly nutritious, and cheap/already paid for meal. If you love mediterranean flavors, make this food now! sooooo good!

I plan on viewing this as positive news

2011-03-01T15:23:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a fairly good job of sticking to just using my debit card for purchases the past month. For the entire month of February, I put most of my fast food meals and caffeinated beverages on the one account - sticking to a cash basis for to prevent massive interest on massive credit cards.

A good idea, especially since I can add up all the expenditures easily from one, wait, two, oh, FOUR screens of transactions?!? My purchases of less than $10 at a time came all the way up to $184.85. This does not include gas or food bought at grocery stores (bc those are necessary-est). So the 1.74 at the gas station for a soda and chips, the 7.78 at Starbucks for Coffee and yummy egg sandwich, they add up.

So the good news is, I can save at LEAST $100 a month by buying cheaper items at the grocery store to feed myself! Excellent news! Bc a full carton of 18 eggs is 2.50ish and that can last me for 9 breakfasts!

Go to it, superwoman! Make your own d**n breakfast! Side bonus: potential weight loss from cutting out nasty salt and extra fats (that make take-out/fast food so delish)

Feb is an ideal month bc it is an even four weeks - my average weekly extra spending was $46.21. Uhm, that is kind of sickening. I don't like it, so please hold my hand while I change my lifestyle up a bit.

Final thought - elimination of one of my student loan payments has left me with $280 dollars of cushion in my bank account! I will decide what to best do with cushion. Most likely, I will pay it towards the 29% credit card. . .

Down

2011-02-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am just feeling down today. I don't know if it is the gloomy weather, the spike in gas prices when I only have 7 miles to go on my current tank, I overslept and was late for work, the pain in my heel from wearing cheap poorly fitting shoes yesterday, the fact that I am alone, the fact that I am alone because I'm overweight, last night when my toilet broke (again, but I don't think I can fix it this time). . .

After dinner last night, after breakfast this morning, I just kept feeling hungry and empty. Even after feeling too full to finish my dinner. I'm pretty sure that this means the feeling is an emotional emptiness. And it certainly does not support my weightloss goals to eat all day long. At least I left the brownies at home. And will remind myself that eating out costs too much money.

Just feels like everything is sub-par. I don't know how to plan anything, save for anything, clean anything. So I have a fuzzy television, a broken dvd player, and a messy apartment. And no plans to look forward to.

EDITED TO ADD: When I spoke to the Property Manager, she did not act like she knew me at all. And I just had my oven fixed a week ago! One week and not the slightest reference to the fact that we had spoken extensively about another broken thing in my apt. I think I'll continue this experiment and call her about the refrigerator next week. It's been making stranger noises than usual. Maybe she'll remember me.

Missing . . .

2011-02-21T20:09:00.000-08:00

Our relationship was short but intense - a few weeks but we spoke every day and spent so many nights together. It felt like at least a 3 month long relationship - and I was falling deeply in love.

The break up was 2 hours before I was going to introduce him to my family.

While part of me can look back and see that there are a lot of aspects of his character that I would not have wanted long term, I still look back and feel the pain of not knowing him anymore. It has been a week since we broke up, I cried, adjusted my eye make-up and went out with my family, and I'm doing my best to put the relationship in perspective. But, little things remind me of him. We had inside jokes, and opinions on everything under the sun. And I want to tell him about my week, and I want to lean into that nook where his shoulder meets his chest and watch tv together, and I want him back and I know that going backwards is not where I will find happiness.

He was enough goodness to miss. But the relationship was short enough to know that most of the emotion was on my side. I have to hope that I will find all of his good qualities in someone else - with fewer of the bad sides of his personality.

I have to hope that I will be able to move on.

I have to hope that . . . . I will have someone to hold me and stroke my hair and start a family with and put up with my intellectualisms and love me back.

Love-ing

2011-02-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

Not everything on here has to be about money and negativity, right?

I am loving my new-found method of using eye shadow and a skinny brush as eye liner. I know that this is a method that has been around for a while, but I finally got into it! I love the dark eye shadow line I can put on with my new thin and angled brush thingy - yay for fun christmas presents! and the instruction cards that come with them! I'm so excited to define my eyes without having to tug on them the way traditional eye liner makes me.

Also, we are having a goooorgeous break in the weather which means it is safe to once again walk around in heels. My winter wardrobe was jeans, boots, and warm layers on top. Now, I do work in an office (albeit a pretty casual one) so I felt underdressed compared to the deep cherry desk and framed art on the wall! It is amazing how simply wearing heels makes me feel prettier and classier.

And necklaces! I've been having more fun accessorizing, and am making sure I either wear a bold necklace, heels, or a fun scarf as often as possible.

Finally, a live one!

2011-02-16T11:15:00.000-08:00

So, I have been struggling with the student loans. I have one autopaid every month and one that I pay by phone every month, which I've kept up with fairly well. Then! Right about when I tried "consolidating" a new mystery loan shows up, sometime around this summer.

Well! With all of the scammers out there, I did not believe this loan company was legitimate. I did my due process by calling the numbers listed, googling the company name and "fraud," and even going to the website of the company directly (even though I immediately scanned my computer for viruses and spyware afterwards).

The phone numbers led to automated dead ends. In order to find out ANY information, they first require my social security number! But so does that African prince that wants to give me a million dollars! I press 0 even though it isn't an option - repeat "operator" "representative" and any other customer service buzzwords that I can to try and find a real person!

Luckily, my expensive education leads to me finding the student loan clearinghouse - one of my federal loans was sold to this unfriendly, mysterious loan servicing company. Direct Loans, a heads up on your end would have been nice! Unfortunately, I never had the 250ish bucks to pay this loan back regularly. I would scrape together $500 every other month or so, send in late payments, all kinds of things that get reported to the credit bureau. With Christmas and a bad set of earnings for November (paid vacation turned into unpaid vacation that I wasn't notified about until after I took the personal time), I was like 700ish behind. THIS brought about a phone call from a real person!

I essentially told the man on the phone that I was poor, that I had submitted the paperwork for a forebearance, and I did not have any money, and infact my adjusted gross income for 2009 was NEGATIVE!! Yes, that's right, because of tuition payments, the government says I made -355 dollars in one year.

This 15min conversation with a real, live person has resulted in my 250ish monthly payment being adjusted down to income-contingient, and more realistic $25/month payment!

Success! I will be able to autopay that, your company will get payments each month, and my credit score should recover! Now, why oh why didn't I have the option to speak to someone back in July?

Scheduling Difficulties

2010-12-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

So I've set up my 4 student loans to come due at different times of the month - especially important to balance out from my rent payment and car insurance payment.

Currently we've got

Loan #1 the 1st of the month
Loan #2 the 14th of the month
Loan #3 the 21st of the month
Loan #4 idk - only been paying this one for a month

Soooo essentially, making this many separate payments each month makes me internally feel as though I've got the loans for each month covered. Until I call in to make a payment and find out the amount is 2x or 3x what I expected - meaning the due date has passed and they want multi payments now!

I'm crying inside thinking about all of it. I've signed up for so many "paperless statements" that I don't know where the information about payments is kept. Each website has separate requirements for passwords and usernames, and I'm absolutely sick of technology - especially since my money is only ever numbers on a screen.

At least, my new excel spreadsheet should help me track payments more easily. But writing it into a spreadsheet is not going to help me get money in the bank to back these scheduled payments.

I just want to get to a place where I can DECIDE where my money goes! I am sending 600ish dollars to student loans each month to pay loans with 4-8% interest when I really WANT to send about 100 bucks to them and $500 extra to my 29% card. Why wouldn't that work, student loan people?

Ever-wise

2010-12-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to make intelligence supercede emotions in all aspects of my life - especially since I've identified that unhappiness results in spending sprees (food or random stuff at Target) which results in more debt-based unhappiness.

Even so, at the same time, I am still trying to find a life partner.

Do you know how difficult it is to apply "what I know" to dating when "what I feel" is so much stronger? and when I overthink a relationship, it is doomed to fail anyway. Truly, going with emotions can be a better option if I really want to fall in love.

But I'm not ready to fall in love only to get heartbroken again! I'm seeing myself transform into a cynical, empty, baggage-ful 20something. Two months ago, I chose to end a relationship that just wasn't passionate enough. I've been rewarded with a handful of guys who are more focused on the assets I carry in my sweater than my brain power and personality.

This weekend, I spent a day with a new man - one who I've been talking to for over a month and just wasn't getting a good read on him via text message (when I say "talking to" I mean texting. Texts are the new phone call. I hate it. But at least I don't have to worry about going over on my minutes?). Anyway, new guy has terrible texting grammar - I thought either he was not a native English speaker or slightly MR. In real life, he was surprisingly easy to joke with, although he wasn't reading my expressions very well. We spent AGES together, watching sports, movies, talking about stuff, and making out. ;)

I really enjoyed myself and want to see him again. Everyday. Which my mind tells me is not the way this is going to go down. Over the past month, I've found that he is not good at a) planning ahead and b) asking me for a date. Now that we've gotten the first date taken care of, will he improve? Do I continue to pursue other people online?

Where do I stop worrying and start living? The stronger I feel about a man, the more likely I am to be impatient regarding communication and date frequency - which leads to chronic disappointment because HONESTLY PENNY! it is never a good idea for a guy to be able to text/call/email you throughout the day. It means he is unemployed or a slacker at work.

I'm reminding myself to relax. I'm reminding myself to let the relationship flow and develop. I do not need to over-think this. I can use my braincells for figuring out my money situation - and just let my emotions overwhelm me. Because THAT is the best part of dating. The beginning lust and excitement!

Mooching and Dating

2010-12-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

Good meals are something I really look forward to. I'm also feeling emotionally wounded this week and want to take comfort in food. Not truly sustainable on my new money diet.

Options include mooching and dating. Both going to a friend's house for dinner and making dinner dates can result in me eating well without spending a dime ;) If I'm lucky, restaurant portions will be big enough to provide lunch the next day.

So I had a lovely meal Monday night at my sister's house. But they whine and complain about money a lot too, so I know that I really can't make that a Monday night tradition without pitching in and buying some of the ingredients. Which puts me back at the starting line. Except, I'd have to buy food for 3 people because my sister is married. And her husband eats a lot. Clearly, I need to find better mooching opportunities.

So I'm single - hence the living on my own and having to cover all of my expenses. It would be super nice to bring another earner into my life. But marrying for money is not possible for this lady - I've tried dating without passion and I don't like it.

However, dating for a good meal out doesn't seem like it is very wrong. Of course, I'm not going to accept a date with someone I'm not at all interested in (looking at you T, c'mon, you really think "I like to cuddle and I'm good at hugs" is a good pick-up line? I need more content to figure out if you're worth my time). I looooooove eating at restaurants, and thought I had a date all lined up for Saturday night. But he is also having budget issues and I flubbed the invite to eat at his house instead. He's a smoker and I couldn't imagine trying to eat in his apartment while he is smoking. Because the secondhand smoke seriously suppresses my appetite. I mean, I'm not hungry the next morning after spending an evening with him and I'm someone who typically needs to eat within an hour of waking up. However, when I made a joke about that - he took great offense and we will not be seeing each other ever again.

There goes my free meal - and I'm also very upset that I don't get to see this man again. He was intelligent, complimentary, attentive, HOT, etc. Had so many good characteristics - except for the smoking, un-sugar daddy status, and clearly a paranoia about me not thinking he was good enough. He had made a few comments about how I would never end up with someone in his social class. And clearly he was right, because HE let it get in the way. So, emotional disappointment of getting dumped (is it dumped if it was supposed to be our 4th date?) combined with no meals to look forward to has me looking up menus during my lunch hour. Half of me says "10 dollars for dinner isn't that bad" and the other half responds with a sharp "there is no 10 dollars to spend! you spent it all already!" buuuut other people making me food tastes so much better. . .

Guess I'll keep looking for someone ready to be a partner and someone who understands my communication style, jokes and all. Money had always been a side concern of mine (probably why I didn't notice all the debt I was racking up), but let's be honest. I have enough worries of my own that I don't want to think about if you have the gas money to drive over and see me.

Addictions

2010-12-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

Caffeinated soda
Gas Station Cheese filled breadsticks
Baked Lays

I just really can't make these any cheaper folks! I've splurged twice already. Went out for dinner last night instead of making myself go home and eat out of the pantry. $10 bucks gone . . . thanks McAllister's potatoes and sweet tea. Apparently, I'm feeling carb-loading-rific lately. This morning, I grabbed 2 breadsticks and some baked lays when all I really needed was a caffeine kick. $4 more bucks gone.

$14 doesn't feel like a lot, right? More than an hour of work though. And about $14 that I can't afford. I put it all on my debit card though. So YAY! I'm not paying 30% interest on it! However, I am paying for what I already bought last month. The whole thing is making my head spin.

At least last night I broke up with my internet provider. It was a clean break - I said no thank you, they disconnected me, and I didn't get an extra charge for discontinuing services! I may even get $50 bucks back since I pre-paid for December. Hope the cute guy behind the counter was telling the truth. Thanks for the 2 great years of anywhere internet connection, Verizon. The services were lovely, just waaaay to expensive to maintain. Thank goodness my computer died anyway so I don't feel bad about not having the internet at home anymore. . . now the question is do I try and get my computer repaired? Or just live with it dead and call it modern art?