The same is true in conversation. When one person is in need of unraveling something or sharing information or just sorting through his emotions, anything we do as a listener that prevents him from getting to where he needs to be in the conversation is referred to as a “stumbling block.”

Often, the actions that we think are helpful during the conversation are actually hindrances! Many of the stumbling blocks to effective communication are things we’ve been taught to do from early childhood. It’s our culture, our way of doing things. However, all you have to do is look around you and you’ll realize that also very prevalent in our culture is poor communication skills.  Misunderstandings and miscommunications abound! So, maybe the ways we’ve learned from little on up aren’t working as well as we thought? Maybe we’d do ourselves and those around us a favor by learning to eliminate those things that are stumbling blocks to effective communication?  (I say “maybe” for the benefit of those who aren’t quite sure about this yet. Please note that I myself am quite convinced of this!)

A stumbling block is anything that prevents the speaker from getting to where he needs to be in a conversation or listening situation.  A reflective listener must be proactive in avoiding these obstacles in order to allow for effective communication to take place.

In my book Please Listen to Me! I identify the 10 stumbling blocks to effective communication and will take a brief look at each one here. You might be surprised and even disagree with me on some of them. However, I stand firmly by each one because I have seen many times the wonderful things that happen when they are eliminated and an individual is allowed to freely share and make his way to the real issue.

Stay tuned…. Stumbling Block #1 will be discussed soon!

Someone once told me, ”I’ve learned more from your courses than I have from my therapist!” Although I was honored by that statement, I knew that I couldn’t take the credit.

I have to wonder if we as a society are too quick to discredit the effectiveness of clear communication in our relationships. Do we realize the clarity that reflective listening can bring to our communications, the way it can enhance all of our relationships? Do we understand that providing a safe place for someone to share what is on his heart can validate his very existence?

What if the people who are stressed out on a daily basis or who regularly live in fear and anxiety had one close, trusted friend in whom they could confide? How might their lives be different? What a different place this world would be if everyone had someone to help them work through and sort things out!

Unfortunately, so few of us understand or realize the potential that exists in the skill of reflective listening to set the captive soul free. I am convinced that more people would invest the time and effort needed to learn and apply this skill if they really understood the power that reflective listening has in setting a person free from the things that prevent him from being the person God intends him to be.

“Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden [stressed, anxious, confused, angry...] and I will give you rest.” Jesus spoke those words. You can share Jesus with someone today by allowing them to relate freely and to get in touch with what’s on the inside. You can point the way to Him by listening with your heart!

Sure, we could all improve our listening skills. The good news is that it’s a skill and anyone can learn it! How quickly you become adept at it depends upon how badly you want to master this skill.

In reflective listening, the listener “reflects back” to the speaker what he thought he heard, and waits for the speaker to either confirm or correct him.

It’s important to remember that listening reflectively is not the same as carrying on a casual conversation. In a casual conversation, two people share equally, more or less. When reflective listening is used, one person (the speaker) speaks most of the time. It is no longer an equal, give-and-take conversation. The listener’s input is now reduced to simply reflecting — no lecturing, no questioning, no advising, and so on. (Tune in for a thorough discussion of the stumbling blocks to effective communication in later blog entry!)

Reflective listening is most helpful when an individual has a need to share what is on her heart, or wants to work through an emotion or resolve an issue. It takes a keen ear to listen for “signals” that alert us to the fact that the other person has a strong need to share something of significance to them. At the time when we become aware of the other person’s need to share, we must shift our focus from our own needs and concerns to the needs and concerns of the other person. It is then that we become the listener and they become the speaker. 

The listener allows the speaker to be in control of the conversation. The greatest help we can give the speaker is to get out of the way and allow her to express herself without interruption or distraction.

Listening reflectively is a win-win situation for both the speaker and the listener. By reflecting back to the speaker their own words or emotions, we allow them to get in touch with an issue or an emotion, to organize their thoughts and feelings. In order to do this, we must become “other-centered” rather than “self-centered.”  We learn to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  We learn to listen with our heart, not just our ears and our eyes. We show patience and compassion, demonstrating love that travels from God’s heart… to our heart… to their heart.  

Listening reflectively is one of the greatest ways to let someone know that you care about them!

My own belief system was greatly challenged when I was first introduced to the skill of reflective listening. As I struggled with learning the skill, it was evident that I was far more self-centered than I realized. It was hard to not tell others about myself. I also quickly realized that I easily judged others. If you find that you have a hard time refraining from sharing your personal opinion and are quick to judge others, it will take a shift in your paradigm in order to become an effective listener.

Some highlights of the belief system of a reflective listener are –

A reflective listener believes that listening is more about the other person (the speaker) than it is about themselves.  

The challenge for all of us is to be someone who cares more about others than about himself. 

An important goal for those who want to become reflective listeners is to demonstrate love to others by providing a safe place for them to share their heart. This can only be done by setting aside “self” in order to focus on the other person. 

A reflective listener believes that he/she is not responsible to provide an answer or to solve the problem for the person he/she is listening to.

When my wife was first learning the skill of reflective listening, she said that realizing this was independently the most freeing realization for her. What a relief it is to know and accept the fact that you do not have the answer for the person you are listening to! In fact, that person has the answer for themselves. As a listener, it is simply your job to help them find it, uncover it, or sort it out. 

Another belief that should be freeing to you as you become a reflective listener is that just because you listen to someone without judging them does not mean that you are agreeing with them or condoning whatever it is they are telling you!  It is possible to appear neutral as the speaker shares from his heart, though inwardly you might not agree with what he is sharing. Remember, it’s not about you! It’s about giving the speaker a place to share thoughts or feelings or to work through an issue without being condemned, ridiculed, or belittled.

Believe it or not, what most people want is simply a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, or the validation of their feelings. The greatest human need (other than physical survival) is the need to be understood. What a hurting individual does not need is criticism, judgment, or advice. It would appear, based on the countless stories I have heard from people who have been hurt by well-meaning people,  that many of us believe that our primary God-given responsibility is to set the other person straight — even before understanding exactly what they are dealing with or demonstrating any compassion or love toward them!

For more insights on the belief systems of an effective reflective listener I encourage you to read Chapter 2 in my book Please Listen to Me!

And I would like to add to his comment something that I’ve found to be true: The best way to understand people, the best way to validate them and their thoughts or feelings is to listen to them. To listen not only with your ears, but also with your eyes and with your heart.

Many people have the desire to do this for others, but really aren’t sure how to go about it. Where do I start? What must I do? It can be overwhelming. For this reason, I penned an easy-to-read manual that outlines the skill of reflective listening (some psychologists refer to it as “empathic listening”). Because it IS a skill, it can be learned by anyone who is interested in learning it and in applying it to their relationships.

Before you become adept in this skill, however, it is necessary to take a look at your belief systems. What do you believe about listening? What do you believe about the person you are listening to? What do you believe about how God wants you to relate to others?

Stay tuned! I will address the belief systems of an effective listener in a following entry…

It struck me once again as I lay in bed recently that God is so good… He has allowed me to see the fulfillment of a dream of mine. Not so much that of writing a book, since I don’t consider myself to be a writer, but that of providing a way to share a message with others — a message that has long been the passion of my heart.

Since I began this journey back in the early 1970′s, God has led me in a path that has provided opportunities for me to learn ways to improve my own communication skills. This has been extremely helpful in my career as an elementary teacher, as a husband and as a father to my three children. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like (how negative it could have been) if I was not fortunate enough to learn and apply the skill of reflective listening.

In addition, God has blessed (or burdened?) me with the passion of sharing this skill with others. Simply put, I know that if I can learn it, then so can you! And I have dedicated the last several years of my life in helping others come to that realization and encouraging them to become a more effective communicator. Now that my book Please Listen to Me! has been published (a project over 7 years in the making), I am hoping this task will become easier.

Reflective listening is a skill that can be learned. True, it may first require the “unlearning” of some habits that are not conducive to effective communication, but when you persevere in this, your efforts will be rewarded. I could tell you story after story from my own life and the lives of others who have shared with me about situations that have changed and relationships that have been salvaged as a result of someone truly listening to another with his orher heart! WOW! I get excited all over again just to remember the many times that I chose to use reflective listening and I shudder when I think what the outcome might have been if I had not done so.

I am hoping, in this blog, to share with you some of those stories so that you too will realize the awesome and powerful impact using this skill can have on your own life. One of the participants in a course I recently taught described her class assignment experience with reflective listening as “so freeing.”  It is my desire that you would also find this to be true. Listening to someone with our heart not just our head has the power to set someone free from the entanglements we often find ourselves in…  A free and abundant life — that’s what God wants for each of us. And that is why I continue to proclaim this message. I hope you’ll get excited about it as you apply these skills to your own life — and share this information with others as well!