Things I May Regret Writing About My Daughter When She Learns to Read

Music Monday: Trent Reznor v. Carly Rae Jepsen

2013-04-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

I laughed out loud when I heard this. Wait for the chorus.

Tallest Girl on Earth

2013-03-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

LB: Look, Mommy, look how tall I am!
Me: You'll be taller than me before you're in high school.
LB: You'll be taller too when you're in high school.
Me: LB, I've already been in high school. You know I'm a grown up, right? I'm a grown up.
LB: I declare you to be a child!

Fuck You All

2013-03-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

DB was on the phone tonight with his brother, talking about Record Store Day and the bands that would be playing this year. We go to his brother's store every year for this event, but this year I can't go because I have Saturday classes. As I overheard the name of each band, I became increasingly angry and frustrated by my commitments, and I yelled across the room:

Me: It's not fair! Fuck you all! FUCK ALL OF YOU!!

And LB replied,
LB: Mommy, will you fuck me too?

Normie Fashion

2013-01-06T17:46:00.003-08:00

Anatomy of an outfit
Argyle poncho with pom poms- From garage sale.

It'll Last Longer

2012-11-21T13:59:00.002-08:00

LB: (Bringing me a framed photograph.) Can I cut out this picture of you?
Me: Why?
LB: So I can remember you when you die.
Me: ...
LB: Well? Can I?

Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful my child wants to remember me when I die.

Music Monday: Biggie Smalls

2012-10-15T10:33:00.001-07:00

When I do the dishes, I like to listen to a playlist of Biggie and Tupac. Do not laugh. Sometimes when you're doing the dishes, you just need to feel a little gangsta. I highly recommend it. Anyway, I had it on while I was goofing around on the internet, and "Hypnotize" came on when this crab video came on. Please, please start them at the same time. I got endless amusement out of this.

How to Win an Argument

2012-10-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

New trick I learned from LB: You can end and win any argument by saying "I have to go poopie."

And the catch is, you don't even have to actually poo. She just goes to the bathroom and fakes it. I urge you to try this and let me know how it goes.

Challenged

2012-10-07T09:27:00.001-07:00

LB: Do you know what would be a challenge?
Me: What?
LB: If you and I challenged to the death.
Me: Huh?
LB: No really. It would be such a challenge.

Edited to add: According to DB, this is apparently from the Princess Bride.

Top 5 Friday: Elements that All Songs Need

2012-09-14T08:43:00.001-07:00

I've discovered that I pretty much like any song that features at least one of the following:

Hand claps
Whistling
A horn section
Tambourine
Vocal harmonies

Find me a song that features all 5 of these, and I'll send you vegan cookies.

Music Monday: Robyn/Taran Killam

2012-09-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

It's not Monday, and this video is old, but whatever, I am currently obsessed with this song, and Taran Killam from SNL just married Cobie Smulders from How I Met Your Mother, and I am rooting for them like Will Arnett and Amy Poehler didn't just separate.

Back to School

2012-09-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in school. LB's in school. Summer is over. LB learned to swim this summer and is now a much better swimmer than I am. I successfully kept our house clean for 3 months and cooked dinner most nights. And I still have 2 Groupons to the movies that we never used because we were having too much fun not going to the movies. I was anxious going into this summer about spending so much quality time together, but I can honestly say I am really looking forward to next summer.

We also went on a kick ass trip to Vancouver, where the following conversation took place:
Friend: How are you enjoying Canada?
LB: We're in Canada?!

*sigh* Such an American.

Now it's back to the grind. House is falling into disarray, and I'm contemplating whether I can pass off a plate of watermelon as dinner. Stay tuned.

Politically Incorrect Girl

2012-07-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

This last Sunday, LB got it in her head that she wanted to wear all head to toe black- and call herself Black Girl. I think it is supposed to be like a superhero name, but somehow she has magical powers and may be a fairy princess.

LB: I'm Black Girl! I have all the powers in the world.
DB: Do you have problems with racial profiling?
LB: I have no problems at all!

God, we are such asshole parents.

So, basically she wants to wear black all the time and publicly call herself Black Girl. A common statement from her these days is, "I'm Black Girl! Who are you?"

The whole thing is simultaneously totally hilarious to me, and really uncomfortable. Do I stop her from saying this? Is now a good time for a teaching lesson on racial politics? It just seems like such a huge discussion for something so playful for her. And she is really enjoying being Black Girl. Some of her powers include:

Camouflage. She can blend into scenery.
Mind reading. She can read minds if you give her physical visual cues as to what you are thinking, i.e. shivering means you are cold!
Golden eyes that light up the night like flashlights.
Being adorable.

I've been trying to convince DB to be White Boy, but no success.

Daughter's Day 2012

2012-07-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

We had our first Daughter's Day on July 1st. LB chose:

Pho for lunch
County Fair
Riding the carousel 3 times
Steak for dinner

We were required to make crafts, so I made LB a headband with rolled felt roses:

(Gotta give it up to Pinterest on this one.)

DB painted her a unicorn card:

We were actually required to make 2 crafts each, but I didn't take pictures of them.

As much as I think it was bullshit that she got a day when on Mother's Day, I spent the whole studying for finals, Daughter's Day was actually really fun and she got a kick out of it. And, supposedly now I get a redo for Mother's Day.

Music Monday: Owl City, Carly Rae Jepsen

2012-07-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

You know, it's a damn good thing I wasn't doing Music Mondays about 4 months ago, because I was essentially listening to "Call Me Maybe" solid for several months. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. For at least the first week, I literally had that single song on repeat. After that, it was consistently on every single playlist I made during the spring. I took a lyric quiz recently and got 222 words out of 231.

I am not subjecting you to Call Me Maybe for the umpteenth time. But, she's got a new song out with I have no idea who this is, but according to the YouTube photo, he's kind of cute and reminds me of the actor Paul Dano, who I have a secret crush on from "There Will Be Blood." Like, not a lustful crush, but a "Hey, he is kind of interesting, and the most unassuming, meek villain ever, and that is sort of sexy and disturbing and what does that say about me?" kind of crush. I mean, he can drink my milkshake any day, and that joke is 5 years old, but I don't care.

What was my point? Oh, this song:

Normie Fashion

2012-06-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

Normie has acquired a wardrobe over the last year or so.

Anatomy of an outfit
Yellow ballgown- From Beauty and the Beast doll.
White dress shoes- From garage sale.

Oh more to come. Trust me.

Foot Warmer Anniversary

2012-06-22T12:06:00.001-07:00

It was our 9th wedding anniversary yesterday. We celebrated with dinner at our favorite German restaurant. (Possibly because it's our only German restaurant?) I ordered a beer that had an interesting German name, but it was literally beer with Sprite. It wasn't terrible, but I probably wouldn't order it again. It was very easy to drink, but left the weirdest aftertaste.

I did get beautiful flowers:

We also exchanged presents. It was our pottery anniversary, which was so much easier than bronze and iron and all the other bullshit themes we've had lately. I got DB a really lovely hand-painted plate that is now hanging up in our kitchen. I was hoping he was going to get me a new vase. I broke our big vase last week and cut my wrist.

Instead, I got this:

I love my husband, but I was pretty confused. It's an antique foot warmer. You fill it with hot water and keep your feet warm. I smiled politely when I found out, and then I used it. You guys, it's awesome. Doesn't leak, stays warm for hours. I put LB to bed last night and tucked it between us, and we both fell fast asleep. So, something about me- I've been suffering from bouts of insomnia for a long time now. And this was the deepest, most restful sleep I've had in ages. DB had to wake me up out of her bed. I brought the jug back with me to my own bed and was out like a light again. When DB went to bed later, he moved the jug to the kitchen, and then I slept like crap for the rest of the night. You guys, could it be that all these years I've just been cold?!

And I'm not the only one who loves it. The first thing LB asked for when she woke up was the hot jug. It is sort of weird to sleep with a bowling ball, and I am a little afraid of hurting myself on it in my sleep. But I think I could get used to it.

Maybe too used to it. How am I supposed to travel with this thing? It weighs a ton. And how do I keep it warm all night? And how do I fight off LB for it? She's already asked me several times today if she can keep it. We've been taking turns with it, or otherwise sitting next to each other to share it. I haven't even had to turn on the heater yet on this dreary, overcast Bay Area summer day.

Seriously, this thing is great. To be clear, I am not only warming my feet. In fact, I hardly even put it on my feet. (Though I do sometimes, and it's awesome.) I just keep it in my lap like I'm cuddling a planter. LB right now is laying next to me on her side, with the jug against her butt. It's a very versatile warmer.

In other anniversary news, DB and I are having dinner alone on Saturday night, so don't feel badly for us and our family anniversary outing.

Updated to add:

Daughter's Day

2012-06-18T18:25:00.000-07:00

Happy belated Father's Day to all the hunky dads out there! I gotta say, there is something about fatherhood that turns ordinary men into hot dads. This may only be a particular fetish of mine though.

This most recent Father's Day, DB planned out the whole day, and it was great. We started off with brunch at a local place that has hands down the best corned beef hash ever. Then we went on a short hike, where LB complained nonstop about the heat and the exertion. God, I have raised the laziest child on the planet. For dinner, we had Korean BBQ, which was an extra special treat since we hardly ever have Korean and I love it so much.

But probably the most important thing that came out of this day is that LB somehow manipulated us into creating a Daughter's Day for her. She is truly a master negotiator

And of course I argued that everyday is Daughter's Day. She claims this is not true and she needs her own day:

She wants to be in charge and choose what we eat and do all day.
Yes, she is in charge on her birthday, but we get birthdays too AND we get Mother's Day and Father's Day.
She wants crafts from us, like she makes at school. She has specified we are to make 2 crafts from each of us, since she makes 2 crafts for us. (1 at school, 1 at after school care.)
Daughter's Day shall be the 1st Sunday in July. She wanted it to be today, but we told her we couldn't make the crafts in time. Did you read that? We are discussing this like she has reasonable expectations!

You guys, I have lost all control. I have tried to set ground rules like she can't choose candy and TV all day, but lord knows what will really happen. It is like negotiating with terrorists. I see no way for me to win.

A Discussion About Godparents

2012-06-05T09:05:00.001-07:00

LB: Uncle Travis is a godfather. But he's not a godmother.
DB: It's the same.
LB: I don't think Uncle Travis has a wand.
DB: He might.
LB: Or wings. Uncle Travis doesn't have wings. And he doesn't grant wishes.
DB: You don't know that. It probably depends on your wish. I bet he would try if you asked.

So Uncle Trav, you have been warned. She's expecting wishes. And wings.

Music Monday: The Head and the Heart

2012-06-04T20:36:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna make a concerted effort to blog more this summer now that I'm off from school. And to start, I was thinking of trying out something easy, like a Music Monday.

One of my favorite new bands last year was The Head and the Heart. I adore them big time and have been listening to their album on repeat for the last 12 months. DB and I got to see them play at the Fillmore on Saturday night, and it was totally amazing. They were cute and endearing and did not disappoint live. Don't you hate when you go to a concert, and the band just isn't as great live as they are on the album? I definitely thought they were better.

Here's the song and the live version of it that got me hooked to buy the album:

The girl in the band is my favorite part, and they use her vocals sparingly, which is actually nice because it keeps me wanting more. And well, the lead singer is easy on the eyes. Not that I would ever listen to music based on the attractiveness of its singer. (Ahem.)

My favorite song now is Winter Song:

P.S. Oh who am I kidding, that lead singer is so hot he makes me sweat.

The Witching Hour

2012-05-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

On a night this week when LB was in an unusually good mood after school:

Me: Hey, you're in a really good mood today.
LB: I know. I'm usually angry at this hour.

And she was right. Do any of your kids have a "witching hour?" LB is consistently cranky and prone to tantrums after I pick her up from school, before dinner. Sometimes they start in the car. Sometimes she's happy and smiley in the car, then loses it in the driveway. Or flips her lid in the kitchen. Not every night, but when she does have a tantrum, and when she does have one when she's with me, it's almost always going to be then. (I've noticed that with DB, her tantrums usually take place before bath.)

I've chalked it up to her being hungry. I know I get cranky when I'm hungry too.

Adult Tricycle

2012-04-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of buying an adult tricycle. I can't decide if this is cute and quirky/hipster girl chic (like Zooey Deschanel) or just something that a mentally handicapped adult would ride. I found some tricycles online, and the reviews were mostly from old or fat people who have trouble balancing or have hurt their knees. So far none of them have said "I am perfectly healthy and normal, and I look so charming riding this adult tricycle in my gingham sundress and petticoat, filling my basket with wildflowers and fresh baguettes. Bisous."

I want this silver one:

Come on, it's pretty fly, right? You know you had doubts, but this looks like fun, right?

The problem is, I imagine myself riding this in short shorts, a cardigan sweater, platform wedges, movie star sunglasses, and a floral silk scarf tied around my hair. In my mind, I ride this looking like Geena Davis in "A League of their Own." But in reality, it will be me in sweatpants, a bicycle helmet, and a hoodie, riding an adult tricycle, with possibly a freaked out Bode in the basket if he'll let me. That is a decidedly much less glamorous image.

I think I just talked myself out of it. What do you think?

How Mommies Learn to Drive

2012-03-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

LB: How do mommies learn to drive?
Me: They learn when they grow up. Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy will teach you.
LB: What if you die?
Me: Who, me?
LB: You and Daddy.
Me: Someone else will teach you.
LB: Where will I live?
Me: With Uncle Travis and Uncle Trevor.
LB: How will I get there?
Me: They'll pick you up.

And that was it. Apparently she is content with her back up plan.

Birthday Wishes

2012-02-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

For my birthday, the three of us went out for a low key dinner. But LB decided that since it was my birthday, we should dress up, so she picked out a dress for me to wear, and she changed into a party dress too. It was really cute. On our way out the door, we ran into the UPS lady, and LB informed her, "It's my mommy's birthday today! We're dressed fancy because it's her birthday. (Points at me, standing right next to her.) That's her."

So birthday was charming and fun. Had an ice cream cake, which is always stellar. Actually, I should share a conversation LB and I had on our walk to school the morning of my birthday:

(LB picks a dandelion for me to make a wish on, because it's my birthday.)
LB: What did you wish for?
Me: I wished for ice cream.
LB: Oh, that's what I would wish for too.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2012-02-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

LB: How old are you, Mommy?
Me: 33.
LB: You were 32, and now you're turning 33.
Me: Yep.
LB: And then you'll be 34, and 35, and 36, and 37, and 38, and 39.
Me: Yes, but we don't like to think about that.

Dirty Joke of the Month

2012-01-18T20:52:00.000-08:00

After our last Dirty Joke of the Month, I had a few people surprised that no one in my class was offended. Now that I think about it, I guess that is pretty surprising. And my classmates love to complain. But no one ever complained about the dirty jokes. Seriously.

This joke was my absolute favorite one all semester- it was told by one of my friends, who has this adorable high pitched voice. I am sort of in awe of the balls she has to tell this joke in class:

A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.

"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00."

"What, that's outrageous!" he said.

"Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend replied. A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.

"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"

She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000."

"What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed.

"Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows,"see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her $5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.

"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I would OWN this whole city!"