Things I May Regret Writing About My Daughter When She Learns to Read

Dirty Joke of the Month

2012-01-18T20:52:00.000-08:00

After our last Dirty Joke of the Month, I had a few people surprised that no one in my class was offended. Now that I think about it, I guess that is pretty surprising. And my classmates love to complain. But no one ever complained about the dirty jokes. Seriously.

This joke was my absolute favorite one all semester- it was told by one of my friends, who has this adorable high pitched voice. I am sort of in awe of the balls she has to tell this joke in class:

A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.

"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00."

"What, that's outrageous!" he said.

"Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend replied. A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.

"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"

She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000."

"What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed.

"Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows,"see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."

"Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her $5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.

"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I would OWN this whole city!"

MLK

2012-01-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

About 6 years ago this weekend, I got completely wasted, threw up all over my carpet, and blacked out in my own home. And then found out I was pregnant.

That is the pathway that led to this blog.

Game of Thrones

2012-01-02T20:56:00.000-08:00

On my holiday Kindle reading:

DB: Are you reading Game of Thrones?
Me: Not yet. I'm reading Little Women.
DB: How could you read that again? Game of Thrones is awesome. Little Women is like the opposite of Game of Thrones. It's so boring. It's like reading Descriptions of Thrones. "And here we have a French throne from the 17th century..."
Me: Asshole.

P.S. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We've just returned from the most trying, disastrous vacation of my life. Stuff with my family. I don't think I'll have the strength to go into it here, but I am very happy to be home.

P.P.S. About the only good thing that came out of this trip is that I read a lot, and Game of Thrones is indeed awesome.

Tossed Salad

2011-12-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

I made fruit salad for a school potluck today. My husband is an asshole.

Dirty Joke of the Month

2011-12-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

One of my professors starts out each class with readings from his joke books. He hands them out to students, and we pick one out to read out loud. They are mostly dirty jokes.

This is the joke I told on the first day of class:

There was a special hospital that had an unusual method of dealing with any male patients. The female nurses would take it in turns to sleep with the male patients, this always resulted in the patient's cure.

One day a new patient came in who had a bad illness that was getting worse, but none of the nurse wanted to sleep with him because he had the word "shorty" tattooed on his Penis. His condition got worse and worse until eventually one of the nurses decided to take him home out of sympathy.

The next day the nurse came back in the next day with a huge smile, to the dismay of the other nurses. They asked her what had happened. She replied "well I was a bit worried when I saw the tattoo on his penis, but when he got an erection the tattoo said:

"Shorty's Pizzeria

...On Kings Road...

...Open 9am to 8pm...

...Ask about our family platters."

I may or may not make this a regular feature. It's kind of funny, but I'm totally copying Margo.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph

2011-12-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

We have this elaborate Christmas Tree Lane where we live. I'm sure everyone has one in their town. A street where everyone goes crazy on their Christmas lights. I would hate living on a street like that, but I do like that we have one we can take LB to.

Most of the houses were decorated in Santa things. A couple houses featured nativity scenes. One house had a Mary and a... Joseph? Jesus? I couldn't tell who the male figure was, but they both had their hands pressed in prayer. LB saw them and asked:
LB: Who are those people?
Me: I don't know.
LB: I guess they're just having lunch up there.

This made me laugh A LOT. And while it's very amusing that she is this ignorant heathen, I have long stood by the belief that she should be familiar with bible stories simply as a cultural reference. But now that we've reached an age where she is asking about religious references, I find myself wanting to protect her from these stories, lest they make too deep an impression on her. I do still consider the bible as literature and an important part of her overall education as an adult, but perhaps it is not something she needs now.

Ambien Dreams

2011-12-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

I got my stethoscope, right? But I've been having trouble changing the pediatric diaphragm out? Well, I took an Ambien one night and had this dream that I took the diaphragm out by ripping up the sides and tearing out the diaphragm. It looked a wreck.

Then I woke up and started my day, gathered all the things I needed for school. When I picked up my stethoscope, it turns out I really had removed the diaphragm. I had actually done it before I went to bed, but I was doped up on Ambien by then and my thinking was blurry.

I think my stethoscope is ok. It doesn't look bad at all. However, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to put the pediatric diaphragm back on.

In a similar story, I was totally convinced one day that LB had told me she was singing "Feast of Lights" for her holiday concert at school. When I asked her about it, she completely denied it. Then I sang the song, and she didn't know it at all. When I told DB this story, he diagnosed it as an Ambien dream. As I sit longer with this story, I actually think another child from LB's Daisy Troop was the one singing it, and I must have confused with her LB. Now, that's totally normal, right? Confusing your child for someone else's? Must happen all the time? Anyone else? Confusing your child for another one of your own children does not count.

Not All Days are Holidays

2011-12-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

An email exchange with Travis this week:

Me: Happy belated World AIDS Day.

Travis: I'm not sure I've ever seen a "happy" before the phrase World AIDS Day. But thanks!

Top 5 Functions Facebook Should Add in Addition to "Like"

2011-11-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

I've been having an unnecessarily long Facebook conversation on Travis's wall. At print, it is up to 23 comments. The main topic is that Facebook's "Like" function is overused, ubiquitous, and generic. I for one use it frequently and without any qualms. Travis has major issues with it. We have therefore come up with a list of functions that Facebook should add in addition to "Like." My Top 5 favorites are...

Top 5 Functions Facebook Should Add in Addition to "Like:"

This is funny.
This is smart.
We are politically aligned.
Your child is cute.
I find you attractive.

I can't help it. Here are 2 more:

I appreciate your comment; however, I have nothing intelligent, witty, or even relevant to reply with, so I am clicking this button to let you know I have enjoyed reading your comment.
I am late to this conversation and feel it is inappropriate to comment, so I am just going to "like" this comment.

As you can tell, I am enjoying this way too much. What others can we add?

P.S. I know it's not Friday for a Top 5, but since this is the last day of NaBloPoMo, I can't guarantee when I'll blog next. I've had a lot of fun though and will try to blog more frequently now that my blogging muscles are all buff again. I know I promise this every year, but really I will try harder. I hope you guys enjoyed the month! Happy NaBloPoMo!

A.M. Bien

2011-11-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

I had this crazy horrible nightmare on Sunday night. Like a real nightmare where I was terrified, and people were getting stabbed and bleeding. I'm going to share the details, and it will sound kind of amusing, but really, I was scared shitless.

So in my dream, Rachel Berry from Glee is being stalked. We are either on a boat or in a mall. Possibly a mall in a boat. Her stalker is crazy psycho and killing everyone. In the end, she pretends to love him to lure him into a false sense of security until our rescuers arrive. Our rescuers happen to be the wolves from Twilight, Barack Obama, and Victor Garber in his role as the dad from Alias. We are eventually all rescued and board an aircraft carrier.

So I know this sounds ridiculous and not scary at all, BUT PEOPLE WERE DYING. And this was not some faceless person. The stalker had a face and a name. His name was Dan. I have never seen this man before in my life, but if I ever do, rest assured I will freak the fuck out. I've never had a nightmare that involved violence to this extreme. Most of my nightmares are more about my own anxiety. There was scary stuff going down. I was terrified. And when I woke up, it was not amusing at all.

I am sort of wondering if my recent use of Ambien is the cause. Or rather, my lack of use. I've been sleeping really poorly over the last couple months. Mostly related to stress from school. On vacation, my mom gave me some Ambien. It's a medication that several people in my life have recommended, but due to DB's previous experiences on Ambien, I've always been really reluctant to try it. Can you blame me?

But over Thanksgiving, I figured it was a good time to try something since I didn't have school. And hell, I wanted the sleep. I wanted an "A.M. bien," like the name promises. The first night, it worked well, but not as well as I was hoping. I got 7 hours of sleep, which is fine, but I guess I expected like 10. Regardless, I took Ambien every night on my vacation because I knew I would sleep poorly in a strange bed. I got 7 hours of sleep each night. A big improvement over what I was doing on my own. But on Sunday night, when we got home, I decided not to take it. I don't really want to have to take a sleeping pill every night, so I thought Sunday would be a good day to not take it since I would be in my own bed at last. And then bloody nightmares ensued. And I mean "bloody" literally; not like the cool British slang way.

I'm kind of terrified not to take it now.

A Hair Don't

2011-11-28T18:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should have more to say, but I can't think of anything. So instead I'm going to share this picture of LB from our vacation:

For better or worse, I don't think she's ever looked more Asian.

Melting Pot

2011-11-27T18:47:00.000-08:00

And we're home again! On Saturday, we saw my dad. Every time we visit him, he spends the whole day cooking this 20 course meal that is a whole mish mash of different foods. I think last year there was Chinese food, some sort of steak, and spaghetti. The food is always great, but it's consistently way more than we can all eat, and always this strange combination of foods.

Here's a picture of this year's spread:

You can't tell, but that is New York steak, walnut prawns with no walnuts, mashed potatoes, bacon wrapped spam bites (which were awesome and by far my favorite dish), vodka chicken, tofu salad, sauteed mushrooms, and gravy. Not pictured are the goat cheese and sliced grape tomatoes on toast bites that were served as appetizers. And you see that empty space in the top left corner? DB took the picture before the spicy shrimp course came out. I gotta say, I always make fun of my dad and his multicultural dinners, but it was pretty good.

I got my stethoscope!

2011-11-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

I got my stethoscope!! DB ordered it for me and gifted it ahead of Christmas because I was too friggin excited. I asked for the plum color, and it's more purple than I thought it was going to be, but that's fine. It's a dark purple that is close to a burgundy color. I did get it engraved with my name, but they engraved the back of it where no one can see. Fuckers. Now I wish I had gotten the skull and cross bones like I wanted.

It sounds divine. I can hear heart sounds, lung sounds, bowel sounds, it's amazing.

I do have a question for those who have this stethoscope though (Sorry, about to have a medical geek out moment)- I am supposed to be able to turn the pediatric diaphragm into a bell. I would prefet to do that, but the instructions make no sense. I can't seem to pop off the diaphragm like the booklet says I can. Any suggestions? I know technically both diaphragms can hear low-pitched sounds by pressing a little harder on each side, but since I'm still new to this whole stethoscope thing, I wanted to have an actual bell side so I can know what I'm supposed to be hearing.

Thanks in advance.

Top 5 Friday Vegetarian Thanksgiving Foods

2011-11-25T10:18:00.000-08:00

Perhaps you're wondering what the hell people eat at a vegetarian Thanksgiving?

Quorn fake meat
Stuffing
Mashed potatoes
Chard
Mushroom gravy

I love vegetarian Thanksgiving! I honestly didn't miss the turkey at all. YUM! And best of all, I didn't have to make any of it.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

We are spending Thanksgiving at my BIL's place. It's our first Thanksgiving with them (we usually spend Christmas there), so it will be our first vegetarian Thanksgiving. (Oh wait, remember that one year when we were all vegetarian except by the time it was Thanksgiving, I was the only one? That sucked balls.)

LB and I were telling my mom about our vegetarian Thanksgiving, and LB explained what being a vegetarian meant by listing all the meats in the world that vegetarians can't eat. While she included the standard fare of chicken, steak, bacon, shrimp, and ham, other notable meats were:

Giraffes
Armadillos
Seahorses
People
Dinosaurs
Ninja turtles
Packrats
Pegasus
When I said "goldfish," LB replied with, "Goldie!" Good god, how does this child remember?!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuber Day 2011

2011-11-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Tuber Day again y'all!! If you're too lazy to click, Tuber Day is all about friends, tubers, turduckens, and alcohol. I stole this from George Takei (again) on Facebook:

In searching for that old Tuber Day explanation, I came across a lot of posts about tubers. Does anyone remember when I was doing a Tuber of the Week?! Good god, how lame am I?

So Asian

2011-11-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

Reposting from Facebook:
The annual consumption of fish eyeballs to maintain her Asian credibility.

LA Bound Flight

2011-11-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

I am LA bound for the holiday! LB and I are flying down by ourselves today and staying with my mom. DB will follow by car in a couple days. I am sort of dreading the shenanigans my mom will get me into. I really just want her to hang out with LB so I can do homework.

See you in LA! xoxo

Breaking Dawn Drinking Game

2011-11-20T10:09:00.000-08:00

DB and I went to see the new Twilight movie with a couple friends last night. To spice things up, we smuggled in some alcohol and Jack in the Box and made a drinking game.

The official rules were: Take a drink every time...

Jacob takes off his shirt.
Edward or Jacob get angry.
Edward or Bella gaze into the distance.
You see a Volvo.

We got the most mileage out of gazing into the distance and anger. Lots of those. DB originally also wanted to add "You see a wolf," but someone needed to protect my liver. Those true alcoholics out there can also add "Bella looks distraught" to the list.

By the way, what we were drinking were these little mini cans of premixed drinks called The Club. 10% alcohol. They tasted gross, but got the job done.

It's Not You, It's Me

2011-11-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

I had a patient ask me out at clinical today. I was walking this discharge out of the hospital. He started telling me "Do you know this place around the corner, with the yellow awning? You could meet me there for dinner. We could have dinner and wine." I thought he was joking, so I said I'll look out for it. Then he said "I'm not scared to ask if I think someone is pretty. You never know. It never hurts to ask. Sometimes they say yes. I had a girl kiss me once." And then it hit me that he was serious. "Uh... ok, Happy Thanksgiving man!"

Nice guy, really. A little too homeless for my tastes usually, but kudos to him for putting himself out there.

Top 5 Songs that Shouldn't Be On My Ipod

2011-11-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

This is so embarrassing.

Moves Like Jagger- Maroon 5
Super Bass- Nicki Minaj
Party in the USA- cover of Miley Cyrus by Tokyo Police Club (Ok, I'm not really embarrassed by this one. It's pretty awesome.)
Like a G6- Far East Movement
Better Than Today- Kylie Minogue

No Show

2011-11-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to write about today. I went to campus to meet my advisor for the first time, and she flaked on me. That was a bummer. I went all the way to school for nothing. So I'm feeling pretty exhausted and unproductive during a week when I have a lot to do.

Ok, back to work on my presentation. I'm presenting on opioid-induced constipation. And honestly, it's kind of interesting.

Serve God

2011-11-16T21:28:00.000-08:00

LB started Daisy Girl Scouts this month with several of her kindergarten classmates. Her first assignment is to memorize the Girl Scout promise:

On my honor I will try,
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout law.

Dude, I just did that all by fucking memory.

LB, on the other hand, seems to only remember "To serve God." This is problematic since we are not a religious family. In fact, DB was downright concerned about the Girl Scouts brainwashing our child. Tonight, she just kept repeating, "SERVE GOD! SERVE GOD!" Give her a bible, and she could work Sproul Plaza or the BART station like a pro.

I finally asked her, "Do you know what God is?" And she said, "It's like a godfather." DB was pretty pleased with that interpretation. "That's right. You're serving your godfather."

So our family has made peace with the Girl Scout Promise.

I'm a Justin Long

2011-11-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

I got my first Mac a few weeks ago. All my classmates have Macs. All these beautiful shiny silver rectangles glowing during lectures. I've always had a PC and loved them. I was adamant that my next computer would be a PC because I was not going to be that hipster poser with the pretty Mac.

But fuck, if the batteries aren't miraculous things. My PC can barely hold 2 hours. That does me no good for a 3-4 hour lecture. And it's so light. It weighs less than my textbooks do.

At first I bitched and complained because nothing made sense. I sent angry texts to my Mac-friendly classmates about "Why the hell is there no 'Insert' key?!" All angry and shit just like that about my Insert key.

And some things are so annoying. Like why the hell is there no HDMI port? I just ordered a cable that will hopefully be compatible, but one of my classmates today told me she ordered the same cable and it didn't work. Fuck it all to hell. What a nuisance.

This thing is lucky it's so pretty. It gets away with being high maintenance and picky because it's such a sexy beast.

Scarlet Fever

2011-11-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

So check out my schedule this week. Tuesday I have 3 check offs in class. (How to put in a catheter, a nasogastric tube, and how to suction a tracheostomy.) Wednesday I have a big exam that is worth 10% of my grade in 3 classes. Friday I have a 5 page paper due. Saturday I have my normal clinical day along with the regular homework that comes with it, plus a teaching presentation to give.

And guess who decided to get scarlet fever. Well, not me. So I guess it could be worse. But yeah, LB has scarlet fever. Thankfully the doctor didn't order us to burn all her toys like in the Velveteen Rabbit. That was a close one for Normal Duck.

She's had a low grade fever for a few days, but there is this god awful rash all over her chest and back. It's really disgusting. But for the most part, she is in very good spirits. At the ER last night, she charmed the pants off all the hospital staff. They gave her popsicles. I didn't even know hospitals had popsicles.

So she and I are going to kick it at home today. I was planning on using the day to study and work on my paper, but at this point I'll consider myself lucky if I even have a chance to shower.