Things I May Regret Writing About My Daughter When She Learns to Read

Upwords

2009-11-09T00:22:00.000-08:00

My husband and daughter went to the flea market on Sunday to give me some time to study. DB came home with the board game, Upwords.

Two things about this-

We already have this game.
It sucks.

So now we have 2 copies of the same shitty board game.

That's What Friends Are For

2009-11-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

Me: If you rub food on the couch one more time, I'm putting you in time out.

Little Boo: But I love you, Mommy. You're my friend.

Me: Well, I don't want to be your friend when you act this way.

Little Boo: But you're my bestest friend. I love you the most the best.

Me: A good friend doesn't make messes. A good friend does nice things. It makes me sad when I have to clean a mess.

Little Boo: Don't be sad in your eye.

Put On a Happy Face

2009-11-07T00:48:00.000-08:00

LB was going through a period of no appetite at all. She's usually a good eater, but then we hit a couple weeks where every day, she consistently would eat very little. I remember one day when this was all she had:

3 bites of yogurt
Half a tomato
5 small cubes of tofu
A lollipop

Remembering how much I loved the chocolate Happy Face pancakes at IHOP as a kid, I suggested to DB that we turn her food into this:

And she ate it all.

Of course, now she insists that we turn all her meals into happy faces, but at least she's eating.

Paranormal Activity

2009-11-06T00:37:00.000-08:00

We saw "Paranormal Activity" last week, and I was pretty disappointed. Considering that we rarely get a date night, and therefore rarely go to the movie theater, my disappointment is tainted with a bitter edge. I won't give anything away, but I did have to comment on one thing.

The girl in it has the biggest tits. And I was constantly reminded that this was a movie, and not really a home video like they wanted to lull us into believing, because her cleavage was everywhere! No normal woman in her right mind would have so much boobie hanging out for no reason. She would wear these casual V-neck t-shirts like even I would wear if I was chilling at home with my boyfriend who likes to make crude and inappropriate jokes. (Huh.) Except that her V-necks were practically cut down to her naval and were cut so wide that the entire upper half of her breasts were exposed. I swear, she must have had to stick double sided tape to her nipples to keep her areola from peeking out.

When I mentioned it to DB in the theater, he said, "I didn't notice." HA, YEAH RIGHT! I love him for faking it, though.

She's On Time

2009-11-05T00:10:00.000-08:00

LB walks in on me while I'm on the toilet:
LB: What are you doing?
Me: I'm peeing.
LB: Are you peeing red?

Oh my goodness, my child actually knows my menstrual cycle. I mean, she recognizes that it's monthly and that it's due to come around again. And she's accurate. I'm expecting it next week.

She's on time (She's on time)
She's on time (She's on time)
She's on time
Hallelujah!
She's on time!
It's the safest time of the month, they say, for love.
Barenaked Ladies

Pescetarian

2009-11-04T03:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess we're not really vegetarians anymore. LB has been asking more and more to eat meat, to the point where over the weekend we bought her shrimp for one meal, and chicken another meal. She also said she wanted to eat the meat lunches at school, so she started that this week too.

And somehow, a 3 year old eating meat in our house has really weakened our resolve. She "broke the seal" so to speak. Yesterday was my MIL's birthday, so we took her to a seafood restaurant we like. and well, we all ate fish. I think that makes us pescetarians. My plan is to still eat vegetarian at home, with rare seafood meals out. DB calls us "selecta-pescetarians."

The food situation is made worse by the fact that we joined Weight Watchers a couple weeks ago. Being deprived of candy and snacks has made avoiding meat that much more difficult. Eating snapper last night felt like such an indulgence.

The seafood restaurant we went to is one we've been going to for years. To this day, I still can't really conclusively say whether the food is good or not. As you're waiting for a table, they serve you free white wine, so by the time I eat, I am almost always completely trashed, and then the food is SO AMAZING, in that drunken way where all food tastes incredible. They could serve me a Hot Pocket, and I would probably swear it was the best thing I'd ever eaten.

Squiddy Halloween 2.0

2009-11-03T00:36:00.000-08:00

After our costume fail, DB cut out the legs from her 12 month old squid costume. (Which is actually an octopus, but only because we couldn't find a squid.) When she was 12 months old, there were leg holes on the bottom of 2 of the tentacles. To fit her 3 year old self, DB cut a hole out the back, so it fit over her like a tunic, and the tentacles dangled in front. It was a surprisingly comfortable costume, and she liked it a lot.

Here is DB as Death (in the wool Moroccan robe that is finally getting some use) and LB as Squid/Octopus:

This Halloween, we decided to go trick or treating with the children of one of DB's friends. Last year, we stayed local and hit up the neighborhood stores that were giving out candy. It was fun, but I thought it would be more fun with other kids.

Best idea ever.

With all the kids together, there was kind of a "mob mentality" thing going on, and they were running and screaming to each house. Poor LB, she was the youngest and least experienced, so she had to sprint to every house just to keep up, her little tentacles shaking in glee. She couldn't outrun them, so she was always at the back of the group:

But after the first few houses, she learned quickly and realized she could use her small size to squeeze through on the side and be the first person when the door opened:

This worked well, except she always came in on the right side. She never seemed to pick up on the fact that sometimes doors open on the left side.

While the older kids definitely had the advantage, they were actually very sweet and considerate of her too. They would hold her hand:

Even the boy who was part of the group, and we all know how sensitive boys can be, would tell the people at the houses, "Don't forget the squid!"

After about 2 hours of trick or treating (with a break in the middle for water and pizza), most of the older kids had dropped off and gone home. But not LB. She was a die hard trick or treater. Here are the last ones standing:

I think she could have gone even longer if we'd let her. And, she was so brave and not scared of any of the scary decorations. There were some houses that the older kids considered too scary, and LB would march right up and ring the doorbell by herself, and the other kids would follow her. Nothing was going to keep her from getting that candy.

The cutest part was that in between houses, she would say to me, "Look, it's candy! I love to eat candy!" Like she was trying to say, "OH MY GOD, GUYS, strangers are giving out, of all things, CANDY! And you'll never believe this, but I LOVE TO EAT CANDY. I mean, is this a coincidence or what?"

The deal we've made with her about the candy is she gets 2 pieces a day. I know, we're "those" parents. But really, we have a ton of candy, and it should last her months at this rate. And she's extremely protective of her candy. When her candy bucket started to get too heavy and DB had to put the candy in his pockets, we had to promise and swear we weren't actually stealing or eating her candy before she would agree to let us empty the bucket. And as we drove home that night, she asked us several times if we were going to eat her candy, and we said no. When we got home and put her to bed, DB unwrapped a non-Halloween-related, totally benign popsicle, but she heard the wrapper rustling, and she yelled down to us, "What you eating?! Are you eating candy?!"

Things to consider for next Halloween:

Bring an extra bag to empty out the candy bucket every once in a while. It gets really heavy for her.
People put in way more candy when your bucket is empty! Like whole handfuls of candy!
Kids don't wear masks. Period.
Kids won't eat dinner. Period.
Glow sticks or glow necklaces are great, and necessary.
Flashlights.
Pick a costume that's easily recognizable. There's not enough time to tell 25 houses what your child is supposed to be. Thank goodness she wasn't Ponyo. Some people couldn't even tell she was supposed to be an octopus, let alone a squid.

P.S. I was feeling pretty bad about being one of those "2 pieces a day" parents, which sounds lame even to me, but then I re-read the Halloween entry from last year, and dude, I didn't even let her eat candy last year! Only gummy things and raisins! Man, that sucks for her!

Ponyo Costume Fail

2009-11-02T00:51:00.000-08:00

We had some costume drama this Halloween. It started in September, when LB got her hair cut, and I snapped this photo of her:

"Wow," I thought to myself. "That is one angry girl."

And then I realized that she looked just like one of those Yoshitomo Nara paintings- the angry little girls with knives and cigarettes:

Genius! A totally original, awesome Halloween costume that would be the envy of every hipster parent in San Francisco. I went on Ebay and promptly bought an orange dress.

But when it arrived and LB tried it on, I realized, well, she just looked like a girl in an orange dress. A cute one, but certainly not very angry. For a half second I considered rolling a prop cigarette, but really, I'm actually a pretty responsible parent.

A couple weeks passed, and then one of us suggested she could be Ponyo for Halloween. Ponyo is the first movie LB saw in a movie theater. We took her back in August, and it left a huge impression on her. Ponyo is the story of a magical fishy creature who becomes a girl. She wears a red dress that I reasoned could easily be orange, since I didn't think anyone else had actually seen the movie. I knew it would make LB happy, even if she was really just a girl in an orange dress.

This is what Ponyo looks like as a girl:

This is Ponyo as a fish:

We decided that DB would make an image of Ponyo as a fish that I would sew or glue to the front of her dress- indicating Ponyo's transformation from fish to girl. I knew that no one would know what she was, but at least I could say we made the effort.

Last weekend, I went to a local wine bar with a friend of mine (where I inadvertently talked smack about someone who turned out to be sitting at the fucking bar!), and when I came home, DB had cut out all these pieces to make a Ponyo mask. It was adorable. I voiced my concern then that I didn't think LB would wear a mask all night long, but he promised to make a new one to sew on her dress if she didn't like the mask.

Then all week long, I begged and pleaded for him to complete the mask so we could make something for her dress if we needed to. And when did he make it? Fucking THURSDAY. By Friday, it was clear she would not wear the mask at all, and DB refused to make a new one for her dress. Instead, he rummaged around in the closet and found her old squid costume from 2 years ago. He cut the legs out, and voila, costume.

However, I'm really impressed with the Ponyo costume we came up with. LB refused to wear it even for one picture, so all I have is an image of what could have been...

The 2 slits above the "nose" were for her eyes so she could see. All that work for nothing. No wonder everyone just buys $15 costumes at Target. Not worth the aggravation!

Squid costume and Halloween details to follow later.

Twilight

2009-11-01T00:51:00.000-07:00

Happy NaBloPoMo! And I hope everyone had a pleasant Halloween. I'll have a Halloween post up soon, complete with costume drama.

In other news, I started reading Twilight. Yes, I am the last person on earth to read Twilight. No, NaBloPoMo will not be all about Twilight.

If I'll be honest, I actually finished it and started reading it again. Not because it's good. On the contrary, I found it to be slow and dull. Painfully slow. But then it started to get good, and I regretted how quickly I blew threw the first half of the book. I realized this story is meant to be lingered over, and savored- things left unsaid, heavy silences, furtive glances. There's a certain amount of sadism in every woman that relishes these kinds of fantasies.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a story meant for teenage girls. It's chaste to the point of frustration. I mean, it takes them half the book to even hold hands. JUST GET IT ON ALREADY. And then I'm also having a really hard time believing that a super gorgeous vampire adonis is going to throw caution to the wind for the first angst ridden emo girl he meets.

I still maintain it's not incredibly well written, but it did send my heart racing. I guess it bums me out because I'm smart enough to know that it's exploiting my weak feminine predilection for beautiful bad boys, yet I'm still dumb enough to fall for it. I'm excited to read the next book, no matter what that says about me.

Oh, and Robert Pattinson is officially on the laminated list.

The Future's So Bright We Gotta Wear Shades

2009-10-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

Stolen from my friend Katie, taken on the homemade pizza night. It's my new favorite picture of me and LB:

Not planned at all! Totally off the cuff! Damn, that pizza looks good.

Digestion

2009-10-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

A conversation LB had with DB's friend:

Me: Why don't you tell Daddy's friend what you had for breakfast?
LB: I went to Denny's. I had eggs and hashbrowns and water and orange juice.
Friend: Yum! That sounds great.
LB: I had to poo.
Friend: Whoa, TMI.
LB: I had diarrhea.
Friend: (Being totally sarcastic) Are you going to tell me what color it was too?
LB: It was brown.

Picture Day

2009-10-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

LB had picture day at preschool today, and OH MY GOD, I HAVE A CHILD OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE PICTURE DAY! You can totally tell that DB and I were both children whose parents didn't give a shit about picture day and therefore always ended up with awful school pictures, because we spent 40 minutes on Monday night, 2 days before Picture Day, trying on different outfits for LB to wear. And then this morning, Picture Day, we actually ironed her clothes.

How about you guys? Did your parents give a crap about picture day? I always looked like shit. At best, I would pick out my own frilly dress, but inevitably it would be wrinkled, and I would wear sneakers with it. And I would pick out my own photo package, the cheapest one with the most wallet sized photos so my friends could have them. The package always came with these 8x10s that my parents never asked about, so I would throw them away.

So yeah, Picture Day is a big deal at my house.

Speaking of preschool, we enrolled LB in a new preschool last month, after much searching, and we are so far extremely satisfied and pleased with the new school. LB loves it. After the very first day, she told us she had made a new friend, and "I love her." Love! After one day! The girl's name is Tatum, but LB calls her "Potatum." I've asked around at the school, and apparently no one else calls her Potatum, so now I'm anxious that Tatum thinks LB is making fun of her.

You see? This is the kind of neurotic parent I am, agonizing over Picture Day and nicknames.

Breaking news: I've joined NaBloPoMo and will be blogging every single day for the month of November. So I may post less frequently for the next week, but there should be more than enough of me to go around come November.

Certified

2009-10-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

I passed my LC board exam!!! This news was a bit more exciting last night after 4 glasses of wine, but whatever, it's still good news.

P.S. The wine was unrelated to the news. I was already drunk when I looked up my results. If you can swing it, I highly recommend looking up stressful test results while intoxicated.

P.P.S. I was drinking with friends, Katie who was visiting from out of town, and my internet friend Margo, who is not from out of town. Margo lives maybe 15 blocks away from me, but we seem to only hang out on the internet. Such is my life. But, I hope to amend this, because not only does she live so close I could almost walk to her house, (But not really. Hills.) she also makes her own pizzas. Did you know people make their own pizzas? And I'm not talking about the kind where you pay a premium for half cooked pizza that you have to bake yourself. (Yeah, what's up, Papa John's? I hear you are excellent and tasty, but it's the PRINCIPLE. I refuse to pay the same price as cooked pizza for the privilege of cooking it myself!) And sure, we've all thrown down a Boboli pizza crust with dubious toppings on hand. (Why is it that I always seem to have corn, but not olives?)

But I'm talking about really rolling out your own dough. She had, like, pizza-making accoutrements. Like one of those wood paddles you beat sex partners with or take pizzas out of the oven with:

Granted, it could go either way, but I've never met anyone who was so into spanking or pizza-making as to actually own a wood paddle. She also owns this:

Again, S&M or pizza? It could go either way, but I suspect it's mostly for pizza.

And now that I've gone completely off topic and alienated a valuable, pizza-making new friend, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. I'm board certified to look at boobs!

Edited to add:
James corrected me in the comments that actually it's Papa Murphy's that you take and bake. I guess I have nothing against Papa John's after all. I always get them confused. They're like Nick Nolte and Gary Busey to me.

Gymnastics Dream

2009-10-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that I was watching the Olympics in person. Specifically, gymnastics. And there was a new freestyle/wildcard event. Now that I'm awake, I think it was actually more akin to the "talent portion," like at Miss America. The guy I was watching was doing a back handspring while wearing a saxophone, and when he stuck his landing, he played a song on his saxophone. It was jazzy. I'm slightly curious about what the other gymnasts did for their talent portions.

Because being a gymnast isn't enough of a talent on its own.

A Pirate's Favorite Letter

2009-10-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

DB's computer has a slideshow of photos as its screensaver, and LB enjoys looking at them. There's a picture that comes up once in a while of me in December 2005 after a particularly indulgent night where I attended two back to back Christmas parties. What happened was I went to one party, which was a really formal, white tie event, where I got trashed, and then decided that red wine and a string quartet were just not going to cut it, and I needed to get more trashed, so I called around until I found a second party, which luckily for me included hard liquor, good friends, and scantily clad gay men.

Now if you're doing the math, December 2005 is 9 months before I had LB. I don't think I was actually pregnant yet, but the way the doctors calculate how far along you are, this night was included in my gestational period. So I'm "pregnant" on paper, but I don't think I'm actually pregnant, i.e. I don't think I had ovulated yet. (What? Of course you need to know when I'm ovulating! Everyone needs to know this! You will be quizzed!) Not that it matters, since I was for sure, way-the-hell pregnant (and drunk) a few weeks later at my housewarming party.

Anyway, this is the photo that comes up on our screensaver:

Every time LB sees it, she says, "ARRRRR!" Like a pirate. She thinks I'm making Pirate Face. I thought this was pretty funny, but I didn't correct her. What the hell was I going to say? "Oh no, Mommy's just making Drunk Face."

Then, one day LB came up to me saying she was dressed like a pirate, and she looked like this:

So, I'm feeling sort of sorry for pirates. They seem to have a pretty bum rap for squinting and looking ridiculous.

The Prodigal Duck Returns

2009-10-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

We headed out to the flea market this morning, intent on it being a trip free of $50 broken mugs. I'll spare you the suspense: success! No new broken mugs! Actually, I taught LB that if she wants to look at anything, she has to hold her hands behind her back. This worked surprisingly well.

And we all came home with new things. DB bought some boring books that I know he's never going to read. (Really? Oscar Wilde?) I bought a cream colored cashmere cardigan for $11, which I am over the moon about. (I've decided I want to start wearing cardigans. I'm not sure if I'm a cardigan type of girl, but I really want to be. Perhaps I've been watching too much Mad Men.)

And DB gave LB $5 to spend completely at her discretion, and she bought...

A stormtrooper. A single stormtrooper. For $4. She hasn't even watched Star Wars. It's like 4 inches tall, and it's in awful condition. It doesn't have a gun, and all the black parts on its hands and crotch are rubbed off. And LB was so cute- DB had her ask the lady herself for the price, "How much is this cost?" And when the lady replied, "$4," you should have seen my jaw drop open behind LB. LB happily paid the lady for her stormtrooper, but I stood behind her the whole time glaring and grumbling over this total rip off. $4. DB thinks it's good to teach her how to buy things. I think it would have been better to teach her how to get a good deal.

In other news, it's been 2 or 3 months since LB decided she doesn't need Normal Duck in her daily life. Some people may say this is a sign of her growing maturity. Well, I decided I'm not ready for it. Screw you all. Call me coddling, but I'm not ready for her to abandon duck. So in the last few days, I've made a concerted effort to quash her new found independence. I've casually asked her why Normal Duck has to stay in bed, and nonchalantly dropped broad hints about how Normal Duck would like to get some fresh air outside. Each time, LB replied, "Normal Duck is a stinky, dirty duck!" But she says this with a big smile. The truth is that DB and she regularly joke around about how Normal Duck is so dirty and ugly now. In fact, strangers on the street will comment on his sad state. I started to suspect that she was ashamed of his dirtiness.

I decided to test this theory. I started telling her, "Normal Duck is so clean and beautiful today! He looks great! I'm so glad he's not stinky and dirty anymore." And several days later, my evil plan is working! Today Normal Duck came with us to the flea market, after months of being banished to the bed. And OH MY GOD, as I'm typing this, she is asking for "Normal Stinky Duck." Hallelujah! The ban is lifted!

Yes, maybe I'm stunting her normal development. Perhaps this is 2 steps back. Whatever. I'll tell you, nothing made me happier than seeing her in the car on the ride home, holding that duck and touching its foot to her nose, the same way she's done since she was 3 months old. She has the rest of her life to grow up.

Homemade Duck

2009-10-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the summer, I told some people that my husband had started sewing. He borrowed this book from the library, The Cute Book, an instructional craft book on how to make felt dolls. Most of the templates are cutesy, but some of them are strange. Like the Bad Guy, who in the book is holding a cigarette:

Note: Craft images all taken from Cut Out + Keep. It seems I didn't have my shit together enough to take photos of the book while we still had it.

And the Kidnapper:

The Japanese-to-English description of him reads:
Kidnapper's job is to steal kids.
That white bag is his work bag.
Kidnapper is very trim,
so stuffing him with cotton might be hard,
but neat and trim he must be.

The descriptions are totally hilarious. Like this one for Mechani-Panda, the panda robot:

Mechani-panda is weak.
Somehow he's the only felt mascot who's all square.
But Mechani-panda is weak.
It's because he's Mechani-panda.

I thought this book was a riot. Each description was funnier than the last. I would totally make DB listen to me read each one, even though he didn't think they were funny. I may even have slapped my knee while I read them.

However, DB decided not to use any of their templates. He was determined to make a mock Normal Duck. I have to admit, I sort of thought he was full of shit. I was extremely skeptical that he would actually complete this daunting project, or if he did, I doubted that it would look good. But I was wrong. So wrong.

Here he is toiling away:

And here is Homemade Duck:

With its inspiration:

I think it's really cute. I've encouraged him to make more, especially considering he bought about a ton of felt and thread, but so far there's only one doll.

LB seems to be much more impressed that Daddy sews at all than that he actually made her anything. She tells people, "Daddy sew a doll for me! He like to sew." And well, it sounds so quaint and adorable, like we're Little House on the Prairie. Although, I guess I can't imagine Charles Ingalls sewing dolls.

We See Three

2009-09-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

Overall, LB's birthday was a resounding success. I think she will definitely remember this one, if not in 20 years, then certainly for at least 2 months.

As previously mentioned, we spent most of Friday (the day before her birthday) frantically shopping and baking a cake. Then we drove to my MIL's house to stay there, since we were planning to spend LB's birthday at the Monterey Aquarium, and my MIL's house is halfway there from San Francisco. I brought my schoolwork to study over the weekend, but that was a waste of energy and luggage space. I barely had time to pee all weekend. After we put LB to sleep at my MIL's, DB and I headed off to Walmart, the only place I could think of that was still open, and shopped until 11pm. By the way, have you all see the People of Walmart blog? It is crude and insulting, and I was terrified all night that someone was going to take a picture of me and send it in. Not that I was wearing shorts that said "Cocks" or anything:

But I was wearing pink flannel pajamas shorts, an orange tank top, and hairy legs.

After buying out Walmart's kids clothes section, we wrapped presents until 12:30 am. We went to bed exhausted, then remembered that we do not sleep well in my MIL's guest bed. Why do we always forget this? It's a full size bed, and we just don't fit. DB finally left to sleep on the floor in the living room, but even then we only got 2, maybe 3, hours of sleep.

The next morning, LB was happy and excited about the aquarium and her birthday. She was really sweet. She bugged out when she saw all her presents, and we told her we only had time to open one gift before the aquarium. In retrospect, this was such a cruel maneuver on our part. Show her a mountain of presents and let her open only one? But she took it in stride. We specifically had her open the Magna Doodle, so she could play with it on the long ride to Monterey. Here she is drawing what she claims is a "camera":

After she opened the one present, I pulled out an outfit for her to wear. This one:

But thankfully I caught myself, because that photo is actually taken from the last time she went to the aquarium, with her godparents. Talk about a fashion faux pas, wearing the same outfit to 2 aquariums. So we changed her right before we left. And bonus, while we were at the aquarium, what did we see there but:

So it looks like it's somebody else's go-to aquarium outfit as well.

The aquarium was amazing, and everything LB hoped for. She said her favorite part was the Touch Pools where she got to touch the starfish and seaweed. You can also touch a bat ray there, but her arms were too short. Here we are arguing about what the best way might be to get a 3 year old to touch a bat ray:

I believe this is the part where DB suggested I get her to reach deeper, and I said, "She's reaching as far as she can! What the hell do you want me to do? Dip her in head first?!"

She also loved the sharks, the fish, the seahorses, the everything. There was nothing she was not impressed by. So the aquarium was great, but geez, I was totally exhausted. Just the long drive, and the late night, and lack of sleep. I was dead on my feet halfway through the aquarium. I'm sad to say there was definitely at least one section we skipped because we were all tired. But LB didn't seem to mind.

Then we drove back to my MIL's, where we opened the rest of the presents. Of all her wrapped presents, do you know which one she was most intrigued by?

You see that brown one in the bottom left corner? Yeah, that one. It came in the mail from my dad, and that is the one she was most excited about. Weirdo.

She was also doing this weird thing, through all the present opening, where before she opened a gift, she would say, "I can't remember what it is!" We think she was trying to express, "I can't wait to find out what it is!" We tried to explain to her that she's not supposed to remember because she doesn't know what it is, but that didn't stop her from saying it before every single present.

She loved everything. Well, almost everything. DB and I chose some toy food and toy pots and pans for her (NOT just because she's a girl! I have really resisted buying her kitchen toys, but all she does at home is take our tupperware and fill them with random shit to serve as meals for us), but she was pretty confused when she unwrapped them. Especially the pots and pans. She stared at them very seriously, like she was thinking, "Uh oh, now that I'm 3 they expect me to start cooking."

She was also SO PARTICULAR about which gifts to open. Like there was a specific order she needed to follow in her head. Every gift choice took such careful calculation. Sometimes she would sit and contemplate her options:

Sometimes she would move them around:

I couldn't figure out her thought process, but it was pretty intense.

And of course, there was cake:

It's supposed to be Normal Duck. You got that, right? I think it is a vast improvement over last year's Squid Cake, but only because it has sprinkles on it:

If you recall, there was an argument between me and DB at last year's birthday over the correct spelling of "Squidy," an unfortunate nickname that DB has for our daughter. Let me be clear: I do not call her this. Anyway, I said it has one D, and he says it has two Ds. Well, the Monterey Aquarium, which I consider the expert on all things squid, settled it for us:

Yeah, yeah, you told me so.

And cake was consumed by all:

After all the festivities, we put our tired, overstimulated girl to bed. Meanwhile, DB and I switched beds with my MIL, and we all finally got some rest.

The next day, I realized I hadn't taken my annual Daddy Growth Chart photo, so we took it the day after her birthday. Here they were last year:

And this year:

OH MY GOD, WHERE DID MY BABY GO?!

A Carnivorous Dissenter

2009-09-22T14:57:00.000-07:00

Good day everyone! It was birthday all up in my ass last weekend, so I'm relieved to be in our regular routine again, regardless of the fact that I have 2 midterms next week. How they can even call it a "midterm" when there are 3 of them a semester, I don't know.

Anyway, I have lots of pictures and stories, but they will probably have to wait until after my midterms next week.

However, I do have pressing news that can't wait until next week. We took LB to the Monterey Aquarium on Saturday, her actual birthday. Afterward, we stopped off at Sweet Tomatoes for dinner (which is a salad bar buffet, like Fresh Choice. It's without a doubt her favorite restaurant, probably because they have ice cream). My MIL had a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and LB demanded to eat the chicken.

I haven't blogged much recently about it, but we are in fact still vegetarian. Or least, 2 of us are. It seems that there is a carnivorous dissenter in our ranks. I have never wanted to make our vegetarianism something that we forced on LB, but I certainly thought it was something she would want to do with us. After discussing it briefly with DB, we decided to let her have the chicken. In all these months, she has not once asked to eat meat. So I was hoping it was just a brief curiosity.

Unfortunately, LB has gone to the dark side.

In the past, when we've asked, "Do you want to eat meat?"
She would enthusiastically say, "No! We don't eat meat! We're vegetarian!"
But since the night she ate the chicken, she has not been a willing vegetarian.
I asked her about it today, and she said, "Yes. I want to eat meat."
When I inquired further, "But you're vegetarian. Do you eat meat?"
She replied, "I don't want fake meat anymore." (Fake meat is the vegetarian meat we've been eating, like Grillers, Boca burgers, etc.)

*sigh* I don't know what to do. Clearly, she has an opinion, and she wants meat. I feel sort of guilty forcing her to be vegetarian. On the other hand, I feel guilty serving her meat, since DB and I are still vegetarian, and obviously we still feel that eating animals is wrong.

And my guilt is compounded by the fact that I have put on 5 fucking pounds since becoming vegetarian. This may not sound like much, but I was already trying to lose 15 pounds before becoming vegetarian. I don't want to go back to meat, but honestly, my ass cannot take much more of this.

DB is committed to being vegetarian. I am too, except I wish I could stop eating bread and cheese. LB has apparently left our crusade long ago in spirit, and only remains vegetarian because she has no opportunity to eat anything else.

But, LB is starting a new preschool tomorrow. They serve lunch, and most days they serve meals with meat. My plan was to bring something vegetarian from home for her to eat, but now I wonder if her being around all that meat will make her want to eat it, and I'm not sure how we will handle this. Should I just let her eat meat at school? Should I try to continue this vegetarian charade? How long will it take for her to demand that she gets to eat the school lunches like the other kids?

A 3rd Birthday Limerick

2009-09-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl who turned three,
Who no longer gets to eat free,
We'll now have to pay,
At Fresh Choice and buffet,
Well, let's just keep this between you and me.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Little Boo!

Salvaging a Birthday FAIL

2009-09-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is LB's birthday, and I've been such a slacker mom, I haven't started planning her birthday until today. This includes gift buying. I feel so guilty, since usually I spend the whole summer buying gifts for her. But I was just so swamped this summer. Between chemistry, my lactation board exam, the GRE, and starting the fall semester, I haven't had a moment to even breathe, let alone plan a birthday. Obviously, with such a hectic schedule, something had to give, and I'm disappointed that it was LB's birthday that lost out.

To make up for it, we spent the whole morning shopping for toys. In a desperate attempt to maintain some secrecy and surprise for her birthday, LB and I went to one Target, and DB went to another. The plan was that I would call him and tell him what she liked, he would buy it, and she would be surprised the next day. Neurotic, but effective.

However, the plan was a mess. For one thing, Targets are different. It was a huge clusterfuck trying to get each other to find the same toy.

"Go to C28!"
"My rows aren't Cs! I have A52!"
"There are girl's clothes across the aisle."
"No no, now I'm in Halloween!"

Considering how last minute this was, I think we did a pretty good job of picking some big ticket items that she'll enjoy. I also bought ingredients for a birthday cake, and I'm baking that now to be frosted and eaten tomorrow. God, of course I have to be baking this cake on the only 90 degree day we've had in San Francisco. My boobs are sweating. And why is it that every year has to be a frantic chase of "Where the fuck are the candles from last year?" I bought a number 3 candle today at Target, but I was still planning to use the wimpy ones too.

And where is the fucking food coloring? I just had it for Easter. Easter wasn't that long ago, was it?

If you guessed that I didn't have my shit together enough to throw a birthday party, you would be correct. Instead, we're taking LB to the Monterey Bay Aquarium on her birthday tomorrow. Which, you know, means that LB will think we're awesome parents even if all her presents are toys she already saw today.

Memories from the Womb

2009-09-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

LB wouldn't share her crackers with me, so of course I told her:

Me: You used to live in my belly, and I shared everything I ate with you. So it's only fair that you share your food with me now. Did you know that you used to live in my belly?
LB: Yeah.
Me: Really? When did you live in my belly?
LB: When I was a little baby.
Me: What do you remember?
LB: What it smell like.
Me: So what did it smell like?
LB: It smell like baby butt.

Um, I think my daughter just told me that my uterus smells like ass.

My Breast Friend

2009-09-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

That's right. LB's breastfeeding her Chinese baby doll. Mattel and their blue-eyed bottle feeders can kiss my ass.

First Haircut Not Cut By Me

2009-09-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

I just uploaded about 3 months worth of photos, so bear with me while I share every single one of them. I also added some beach photos to the end of the peeing at the beach entry.

A couple weeks ago, LB got her first professional hair cut. Before this, I cut her hair myself at home. But in the last 9 months or so, her hair has started coming in much thicker, and I no longer knew how to cut it. I kept trimming her bangs, but I left the back long. In all honesty, I loved her hair long. She looked like such a sweet, feminine girl, something I never thought I would want, but it was sort of charming.

But, I was outvoted 2-1. DB hates long hair, even on me. And LB was so excited to get her hair cut. A tomboy at heart, the hair was getting in her way, and she loved the idea of going to a real hair salon.

Before:

During:

After:

She was remarkably well behaved and extremely serious during the whole cut. No smiles, very stoic. In most of the photos, she looks somewhere between alarmed and pissed off.

Like this:

And this:

LB loves it. But then again, they gave her a lollipop afterward, so no shit she loves it, right? She would go back today and shave off all her hair if we let her. DB loves it. I... meh. It's grown on me now, and she looks like a rough and tumble kid, which suits her personality better. But honestly, I think if I had cut her hair at home and it looked like that, DB would have accused me of not cutting it straight. But when a hair salon does it, it's "layered." Double standard, man.

Peeing at the Beach

2009-09-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

I took LB to the beach today, which makes this twice in one week. I am definitely high on her list of favorite people right now. We play in the water, dig around in the sand, eat sandwiches, and get tan. Then afterwards we get ice cream. It's pretty damn luxurious.

After about 2 hours at the beach today, LB said she had to pee. Now first, so you have an idea of my situation, I should explain that I don't take her to Baker Beach or Ocean Beach. The waves are too rough for a 3 year old. We go to Aquatic Park, which is a very small pool of ocean at the end of Fisherman's Wharf and across from Ghiradelli Square. I love it. It's totally boring, the view is ugly, and there are tourists everywhere, but the water is so calm, and I don't have to stress about LB being pummeled by waves.

Anyway, it turns out there are no restrooms on the beach. I tell LB we're going to have to leave the beach to find a bathroom, maybe at a restaurant or something. She promptly refuses to leave and claims she doesn't have to pee anymore. I know this to be a bald-faced lie. But she won't leave, so I sit it out. Sure enough, 15 minutes later she is dribbling between her legs.

Me: Are you peeing?!
LB: Yes.
Me: Do you still need to go?
LB: Yes.

So I take off her shorts and underwear and put on clean underwear. I dig around my bag for the clean shorts I packed for the day, and I can't find them. They're gone. I saw them while we were eating lunch at the beach, so I know I had them. Lost in the wind. An elderly woman in sunglasses collecting seagull feathers is straight up laughing at us, but in a warm way. I think. I ask her where the nearest bathroom is, and she suggests I try Ghiradelli Square.

I take LB's hand, and we are off to find an elusive public toilet. So here I am, disheveled and frantic, dragging along a child dressed only in underwear, all through Ghiradelli Square. Tourists are laughing and smiling at us, and LB is not making things easier by telling them she peed in her pants and she is bringing sand home for her daddy. Oh! I forgot, LB is carrying a full bucket of sand this whole time. She insisted on bringing it with her from the beach, as a gift for Daddy.

We do find a toilet before LB pees her underwear again. Thank goodness for corporate chocolate companies who realize tourists need bathrooms. I never did find those clean shorts, so LB spent the rest of the afternoon walking around in her panties. I did manage to convince her to walk back to the beach to dump that bucket of sand. A true victory. Later, we met up with DB and had ice cream.

I'm mainly writing this down so that LB can know that she was once half naked at Fisherman's Wharf. Yes, sweetie, you should be embarrassed.

Edited to add some photos:

The hat I'm wearing belongs to DB, who has a penchant for artsy, hipster hats. Unbeknownst to me, this hat has an obscene image on the left side that I wore all day with my child in public.

Edited again: Okay, "obscene" is too harsh a word. "Vulgar" is better. It's a cartoon hand giving the bird.