Perfectly pAsh

Once lost now found

2017-09-19T21:36:00.001-04:00

It's been years but I found my keyboard again.

I'm no longer in search of some perfect man and a dream date. I'm nestled into bed, red wine and dark chocolate by my side, husband snoring peacefully as my toddler tosses in bed occasionally talking in his sleep. My life came crashing to this juncture with a screeching halt, a romantic sound track and very little say so. Sometimes life is exactly what you expect and other times its exactly what you hoped for, both of these can lead to absolute bliss. I'm a living testament.

I'm not sure where this blog will go but I hope to take it somewhere. I recently lost a few pounds doing this new "keto" diet trend and one of the side effects is a clearer mind (sure, okay, you say so.) Today while driving home something inside me fired up, the colors of the trees lining the old creek seemed brighter. The pickup finding the horsepower to pass me, with the old canoe tied in the back looked so inviting. A red flag hanging off the canoe waved and whipped gracefully in the wind, warning fellow drivers of the large load. The warm September air gushed into my car sending my emotions to a level of happy that seemed obscure. Only a 5 minute drive awakened my senses and has me chomping at the bit to get back into this world. I'm not sure what sparked this inside of me, either the new diet, the euphoric smells of fall or a quick trip without hearing a toddler scream. Whatever it is, I'm going to do all I can to keep this fire fueled and glowing.

Why You Can't Find A Good Man Has Nothing To Do With Men

2014-10-08T15:44:00.002-04:00

I’m going to say something and some of you aren’t going to like it. Desperate single women are their own worst enemy and social media is a close second.

Everyday I give way too much of my life to social media, between work’s social media and having a desk job, facebook and twitter are my entertainment. I admit, I look at your posts of re-posted grainy stock images with some relationship inspired motivational quote about how you are better than him and I roll my eyes. Stop fooling yourself. Stop asking what is wrong with men. Stop asking where all the good guys are and why you can’t have it easy. This is your personal problem, no one else’s.

When you constantly use social media to discuss your relationship or lack-their-of how does that portray you? Not as a strong confident woman, but as an insecure, blabber mouth with too much time and too little sense. Who in their right mind would want to date someone who constantly alerts all 617 of their social media friends as to their every emotion? YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY. Women who commit this crime against humanity are going to become outraged with me and say “I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT!” “I AM SECURE!” “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!”

False. All 617 of us know you and your plight because you feel the urge to display your relationship drama all over the damn place.

Those of you snickering thinking “Oh, I am not that girl, I only post things about how strong I am.” Uh…no honey, you ain’t fooling anyone either. The more crap that says how strong you are and how confident you are, the less we believe you. I totally admit, I’ve posted a few things along those lines from time to time, they are great motivators, especially if you know someone struggling. However having said that, filling up your own wall with this crap? That is a signal to every person within eyesight that you are an emotional house of cards ready to crumble. No man or woman in their right mind is going to step foot into a relationship like that.

Why am I so judgmental and vocal on this? It makes me sad for those women out there who don’t see what they are doing and I USED TO DO IT.

What kind of example are you setting for your children by publicly sharing your intimate life details? Not a good one. Who do you think you are fooling by telling everyone how well rounded and wonderful you are? Not a soul. How can find that real, strong, amazing love you so desire? Start by loving yourself more and hating your non-existent boyfriend less.

I’m sure you are wonderful and great but maybe you need to realize that you truly are too. Stop putting your business out there, every time you want to post something on a wall, don’t. Let the moment pass and see if you still want to share those details an hour or two later.

In my house the two most common phrases are “I love you” and “I read it on the internet, so it must be true.” The second sentence carries more meaning than the first right now.

Tell yourself you are beautiful, tell yourself you are worth it, and tell yourself you deserve the best because all of that is true.

Don’t post it on social media hoping all 617 believe it’s the truth. Show us you believe it yourself. Be stronger, be more confident, be more confidential and then one day your bitter posts will turn into acknowledgements of love and true self-worth. Stop looking for a good man and realize the true good woman who is already inside of you.

The ending is the best part

2014-04-13T10:37:00.002-04:00

"Your Story Matters, Tell It"

4 years ago I received a wall hanging that told me my story mattered, it was my own personal mantra. I have a story, everyone has a story, mine I thought was worth telling. My story has always been the same, the single woman proving her independence and sharing her faults. I've told you, my friends, about the men I date, the places I go and the spite I have. I'm now out of those stories.

I've spent the past 10 or so years of my life learning how I wanted to be loved and learning to love myself. I've been in relationships that were a farce, I've experienced heartbreak, I've stayed up too late with the wrong boys and gone to bed too early with the wrong men. I've learned who I am and I've accepted my faults. Actually, I've embraced them. I started out this year by saying I wanted to live my last 6 months in my 20s and my first 6 months in my 30s by doing me. I decided I was spending this year as I have the past 29, single and only concerned about myself.

January 15th changed my life. I went on a first date with low expectations; I rarely wanted to go on a second. As I sat in the little Fountain Square cantina sipping on a spicy margarita, I hoped this guy was going to be taller than me. That's it. I knew he was funny, charming and intelligent but I didn't know his height. This was my deal breaker as shallow as it sounds. He walked in and I no longer cared about his height, I couldn't even tell you if he was 5'2 or 6'7; all I knew is I was immediately smitten and we were wearing the same shoes. We spent the next 3 hours laughing and talking and discovering the person across from us. As we left I waved him a casual good-bye. He thought it was over before it began and I knew it was just the beginning. Minutes later I told my best friend I had just left my last first date.

Within two weeks we knew both knew where this was headed. Everyday I'm more in love with this man and everyday I'm more excited for the next. For many years I've been writing my story and I can firmly now say, I've found my happy ending. I've spent the past 10 years learning to love myself so I can spend the rest of my life loving him. I no longer live for just me, I live for us.

Everyone has a happy ending my friends, just keep waiting for yours to arrive. Mine rode in not on a white horse, but instead wearing Chuck Taylor's.

2013 - The Year of Doing Me

2014-01-02T20:29:00.001-05:00

On New Years Eve 2012, I sat with my sister at the Pacers game and came up with my New Years Resolutions. I was going to spend 2013 living life for me. It was to be the year I "Do Me." That game, I also made a very "me" statement to my sister. Coyly I pointed out a man and said "See that guy down there? The tall one. I'm gonna get that guy."

One year to the exact hour later, I sat in the same arena with one of my best friends and recalled my previous New Years Eve statements. Two things are true. I lived 2013 for me and I got that guy. I had a year of promotions, concerts, sporting events, late nights and tons of laughs. I had once in a lifetime moments that will last a lifetime in my mind. For a brokeass single chick, I did well on my last year's resolutions I think.

It was a great year but nothing ever goes as planned. It wasn't in my plans to have both my dog and my cat kick the can on me and turn me into an emotional firework. The thing with the guy turned into more than a thing it turned into heartache and "Doing me" ended up hurting others. also, I wrecked my car...twice and fell down a bunch so technically "Doing me" hurt me too.

"Doing me" in 2013 was a rough road but a pretty ride. I think I'll try it again this year. Maybe, I will come out with a few less aches and pains.

Happy New Year my friends!

November 1 is not Halloween

2013-10-30T18:30:00.000-04:00

I take personal pride in standing up for October 31 as Halloween. I do this not because I am overly fond of the holiday (witch I am,) yet instead I do this because I believe when you take away the date of a special day you are removing the special that surrounds it. Let me explain...

I was born on June 17th, 1984; a Sunday, Father's Day. I was the first born child to David Walden, which means I still hold the reigning title for "World's Best Father's Day Gift." It's a cool statement to make actually, My Father wasn't a father until Father's Day. Five years minus 5 days later, my sister Sarah was born on June 12. For a majority of my childhood I remember sharing my birthday celebrations with my sister because it was convenient for everyone, it didn't matter there was a 5 year age gap, and I really didn't like her...we still had one joint birthday party. We shared our birthday every year...on her birthday. My birthday fell too close to Father's Day, or in some instances on it and family only needed to gather once a week to celebrate. I lost my birthday due to a scheduling conflict.

Bless her heart, when I was 12 my Granny let my Step-mom know she didn't think it was fair that my sister and I had to share a birthday because we were two different people. Immediately following, my Step-mom went to great lengths to separate our celebrations which was awesome... but the tricky part... we started celebrating my birthday on Father's Day because...family only needed to gather to celebrate something once a week. I lost my birthday to a scheduling conflict. Again. Now, I'm sharing it with my Dad, Uncles and Grandpa.

Coming from a divorced family I split every holiday including Father's Day and Mother's Day. So, not only do I not get to celebrate my birthday at one family gathering, I must then leave half way through and celebrate Father's Day at another gathering where my birthday gets slipped in with a "don't make people feel bad for not bringing you a card because they're celebrating Grandpa today"pep talk. Seriously, this is my real life.

This has been a long prelude to my actual point... My birthday got lost because it was more convenient to have it on another day. My friend's are awesome and celebrate whenever I ask or whenever they surprise me. My family has since altogether stopped celebrating my birthday on June 17th, unless it happens to fall on Father's Day. On my Mom's side I am a secondary candle on a cake that reads "Happy Father's Day Grandpa!" and quick gifts before my extended family arrives. On my Dad's side I'm at a Father's Day cook-out with a cake for me. (Crybaby side note: my sisters' get the family taken out to dinner, including significant others and friends, on their actual birthday, to a restaurant of their choice...from each parent.) I lost my special because it was convenient.

This year on Father's Day when my dad and I traded gifts (which is another story in itself) his card inscription made me cry, "My favorite part of Father's Day is sharing it with you." I realized Father's Day has always been about him and me and that in itself is more special than my own birthday. I still have the opportunity to celebrate something special on the true date, a date that we all started to forget about because we moved it to make it more convenient. June 17 is a bitchin' holiday. It's mine and that's the day you're supposed to celebrate ME. (Shout out to the party crew from this year's birthday, ya'll rock!)

October 31st is Halloween. Celebrate it any other day and your kids are just beggars in strange outfits.
Party on.

Personal Opinions on a Public Forum

2013-09-30T13:00:00.001-04:00

Social media is exactly what is says, its a social form of media. It's not a journal, it's not your best friend's pinky promise, it's not the stuffed bear you talk to at night...it's the internet. Thus, if you express your opinion on a social media platform, it becomes "social." It's not private, it's no longer your own personal opinion, it's your public opinion.

Last week I came under fire by those closest to me for retweeting someone's "personal opinion" on Twitter. Let me clarify a few things...
1) I do not seek out anyone in particular;
2) I have no intention of aggravating anyone;
3) I am generally, a nice person.

Now having said that, if you are going to voice your opinion I would hope that you have a reasoning and sound mind to back it up. If you are going to tell Twitter the sky is green, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and reason that out for us. It's only logical. You made a statement, now back it up. I'm not pinning you in a corner, I'm not crucifying you, I'm just wanting to know "Hey, why'd you say that?" or actually I'd probably say "Uh, no it's blue. What sky you lookin' at?"

Once you put something out there on the interwebs, it's there forever, just remember that. So whether it's intentional and you are stating an ignorant opinion that could possibly ruin your career, or whether you didn't know someone used your naked image and posted it to the web... it's there. Intentional or not, the internet doesn't discriminate, it screws everyone. This isn't a new statement, I'm not solving the world's problems, I'm just restating the obvious for those of you who have forgot these simple rules.

Get with it people, the only "personal' opinion you have are the ones you keep to yourself because the second you say it out loud, it becomes your public opinion.

<end rant>

-pAsh

An over-emotional daddy's girl, aka, me

2013-07-24T16:08:00.000-04:00

Ask my dad and step-mom to describe me and I'm sure that: emotional, tender-hearted and thoughtful (or thoughtless as the wicked step-momma calls me) will all come out pretty quickly. Out of my sisters and me, I'm the first to cry, the first to help and the most sentimental. So please excuse me if you can tell I'm crying while writing this.

A long, long time ago, I openly stated I feared one thing and one thing only in my life; that my dad wouldn't be able to walk me down the aisle if I ever got married. (Yes, I was young at the time I first began to think about this, probably age 11 or so.) My dad has suffered most of his adult life from Rheumatoid arthritis, a genetic disease affecting the joints. He has a slightly altered gait and when I was young I feared he would be wheelchair bound before experiencing my adult life with me. These fears can be attributed to watching my Grams cope with the disease. As a child, watching her bed-ridden and in pain, knowing my dad would one day feel the same way definitely assisted in turning me into this sensitive basket-case I am today.

Taking the Ferry after a full day at Magic Kingdom.

When we were young my dad took us on a 2 week vacation to Orlando, we walked all of Disney World, enjoying every minute of it. It was partly my dad's goal to have a family vacation that we would all remember him as being able to walk with us. At this point in our lives we didn't know where his future treatments and health would take us but we didn't care, we were kids with Disney and water slides on the brain. Being the oldest, I understood this vacation, I knew what we were doing, we were making memories to last a lifetime. My dad was making sure we had those memories.

Times, technology and attitudes have changed. My dad is doing great! He just had his second knee replacement and is kicking physical therapy's ass. He's active, he exercises more than I do and not to toot his horn too loud, but he just got the job he was destined to have. (Yay!) So now, I no longer have the fear he won't dance with me at an eventual wedding.

What brought on this emotional quip today? My tender heart. The video I've linked below, started me crying at work today, not just small tears but giant, can't breathe, ruin my make-up tears.

Knowing your father is dying of cancer and staging a father-daughter dance just so you get that moment with him to last a life time...that's exactly what I would do. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that and I pray I never will. So for all of you who have had to go through these monumental life occasions without a parent, I salute you, I admire you and I want to hug you, a lot.

Grab your tissues for this one.

http://www.today.com/video/today/52542177#52542177

No excuse for you!

2013-07-08T16:48:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel I'm a giant sounding board for all of my friends and truth be told, I love it. Just heed my one rule, don't ask for my advice if you're not going to soak it up. I received an email recently from a friend asking for my help in a situation and I realized I could totally help him (Yay!) Not because I'm a dating guru, but because I am the b!t@h of a woman he is describing. They began talking, then dating, then facebook official, then she does the Texas two-step backwards right out of his reach. Finally she gives him the heave-ho and he's left like this:

Long story short, I get the whole “you’re a great person”, “love having you in my life”, “but I’m not sure what I want/what I’m doing” speech, basically making me cringe every word I heard. Been there, done that, would have preferred silence to that. I tell her in the long run that I’m gonna be good either way, and that I just felt the need to let her know she deserves a shot to be happy and such...

For all you guys and gals out of the dating game let me translate for you what this female said to my friend:

I think you are great, but I'm absolutely positive there is something better than you out there. So, I want to keep you as a friend, call you up every once in a while and if my plan of finding someone better doesn't work out, you're still there! Oh and before I hang up, you should tell me how pretty I am and how much I deserve to be happy one more time because I'm a woman and I need to hear that.

Think I'm making that up? False. I can give you a list of men from my past who will agree. I did the same thing to them. I'm not an angel but I learn from my mistakes and if my wretched past can help another, then so be it. Here are those lame excuses and what we should really take from them...in my opinion.

Blow-off excuses:

"I don't know what I want in life."

"It's not you, it's me."

"I'm not ready to get serious."

"I don't want to hurt you."

I don't excel at much, but answers to the above shitty excuses... I EXCEL at those!

"I don't know what I want in life."

Yes you do and I don't fit in that plan, so tell me what you are really looking for.

"It's not you, it's me."

True, and it's not that something is wrong with me, it's that you have these great expectations in your head and I don't fit them perfectly. Good luck finding the "Giselle-Einstein-Martha Stewart-Your Momma" combo you have built up in your head. I bet she's single and waiting for you.

"I'm not ready to get serious."

Who is ready? For real? Ask a guy on death row if he's ready to get serious. Ain't nobody ready for eternal commitment, but I can give you one hell of a ride on the way there. To further validate this point, a guy opened up to me recently and said this is a bullshit excuse from every guy (and I concur female), it's their fall back, it's their get-outta-purgatory card, it's their easy out of every relationship.

"I don't want to hurt you."

That didn't seem an issue when you had me bending in ways I didn't know my body could handle...

Okay, okay, that's smartass, but for real... that's the reason we date isn't it? So we can get hurt, heal and love harder? Don't let me go because you're afraid you'll break me, hold me tighter to protect me from everything else.

If you date someone and you genuinely like them as a person, tell them the truth why it's over! It sucks to say and it sucks to hear, but finding out what other people find wrong with you is a great eye opener. Maybe it's something they have been wanting to change about themselves and they didn't realize others noticed. Maybe it's a problem they didn't know they had (I once broke up with a guy for constant bad breath.) Maybe it truly is a problem with yourself, but if it is, give the person some courtesy and open up and tell them why you are unhappy. You never know... what you say to someone can change their entire direction in life. I've had 3 guys over the past 5 years say almost identical statements to me. It hurt to hear but I know what my primary problem is... and f%$k them. Love me as I am or move along.

Which is the point of this story...you aren't going to please everyone, you don't fit every person's version of perfect, that's fine as long as you are happy with yourself. Move along now and find someone better to spend your time with. Bullshit excuses are for bullshit people and we all deserve better than that.

Caution: Curves ahead

2013-06-18T16:11:00.001-04:00

I just read something that makes me so happy I can't stop smiling...

There is an overweight, funny, happy girl who has a fit and trim, happy boyfriend who loves her...just the way she is. Here is the article but let me tell you why this makes me so happy.

I was once in a relationship with a man who was in love with working out. He focused on making his body perfect and spent his free time becoming a beefcake meat-head. He begged me to go to the gym with him, everyday, and I refused. Not because I was lazy, but for the reason I was overweight and the last thing I wanted was for people at his gym to wonder why he was with such a fatty... and more importantly I wanted him to love me as this fatty. It ate at my self conscious, it hurt my insides, all I wanted was to know that he loved me the way I was and he wasn't trying to change me. I didn't want to go to the gym with him, just to spite him. I wanted to scream, "please love me for me and not for my appearance." But he didn't, not at the time.

Now in his life, I know that he has realized there is more to me than the layer of fat on the outside and he misses all the good part of me he overlooked at the time.

Lately I've been becoming more comfortable with me, I just turned 29 and I'm not crying over my age, weight or that grey hair I found last week. I'm lucky to have been hanging around people who think I'm awesome and even pretty from time to time. I'm more comfortable with who I am now than I was 10, 5 or even 1 year ago. Yes, I still refuse to let anyone touch my "fat zones" and cringe when I feel eyes on my body. I'll always have self-esteem issues but I can tell you this, having a guy think I'm beautiful and knowing he means it is the best feeling I've ever had.

Every woman is beautiful. She just needs some reassurance once in a while.

Oh you don't get down digitally?

2013-05-15T15:57:00.003-04:00

I've always been on the side of the fight that technology is killing interpersonal communication in today's society. Texting has replaced calling, instant messaging has replaced talking to your co-worker, Netflix has replaced an afternoon at the theater...we're in a rapidly growing world and becoming more and more alone. I even wrote about it last summer (read it here). All in all my views haven't changed but... my phone did... and with that, I got FaceTime. Life has evolved.

Most recently I've spent the last few months on an informal case study of sorts...how can technology strengthen a relationship? As I have explained previously, I have multiple male friends across the country, and although I am dating zero, zilch, nada of them, I still talk to them all pretty regularly. But what is talking to someone without seeing their face? It's like eating without tasting your food...extremely unsatisfying. So recently I put "FaceTime" to the test. I've used it to talk to my sister in Texas, Mr. Holiday in the Mid-West, Mr. Summer in the great plains, my roommate in the next room and most notably, I used FaceTime over the past 4 months to get to know someone who travels constantly for work. Before all the wheels get to turning please do not mistake this for me saying I used it for some sort of web-cam show or that crap... I didn't. I simply used FaceTime to see the a person when we physically couldn't without the help of technology.

Okay side note... back in the day n*sync had an absolutely great song "Digital Get Down" it was dirty as hell! At the time I was 16 and like " ohhh how scandalous!" ...videoing with your boo and getting naked ...what the hell were they using for video in 2000? Those shitty webcams that looked like creepy robot eyes? No thanks... I'll stick with my iPhone.

When you are getting to know someone and you only get to see them once a month, you'll want to find other ways to get to see each other, and FaceTime satisfied that need for me beyond belief. It's nice to sit down in your own kitchen while eating dinner and be able to talk to someone eating their room service meal in New York. It's like a free date that takes 50% less time. One of the best date's I've had is with Mr. Holiday, I love him to pieces, I only get to see him when he comes home for holidays and he's one of my best friends, yet we shared a few glasses of wine and some FaceTime with our dogs. Just hanging out on the couch 2 time zones apart and discussing our days while drinking some vino, absolutely wonderful. To see someone's face first thing in the morning when you wake up or last thing before you fall asleep, even though they are 1,000 miles away is so comforting it's unbelievable. Use this technology to advance your relationships with anyone in your life you can! Sunday, I got to wake my nephew up from a nap while still in my own bed at home, it was super cute. Furthermore, I shouldn't admit I participated in FaceTime while driving...but I did...and to have my sister ride with me on the back roads from our farm to our parent's house, like we do every holiday was comforting.

So my point... texting and instant messaging are killing the lines of interpersonal communication that we have built as a society from the ground up...yet applications like FaceTime and Skype are strengthening those same lines. We need to utilize these great features technology has given us to better ourselves and our relationships with others. We must realize when a call is needed over a text, when a face needs to be seen and not just a voice being heard, and most importantly we need to acknowledge when technology isn't getting the job done and real, face to face communication is in absolute demand.

Hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady...

2013-05-14T18:45:00.001-04:00

My friends always say they live vicariously through me. That through my blog and tweets, they see into the life of the single chick without kids, the woman they have graduated from. It’s fun. I like thinking that people are envious of some aspect of my life, it’s like knowing when someone likes your outfit and it makes you walk a little taller. I tell stories because I know my life is funny, somewhat random and often out of the ordinary or even crazy. I tell my life to you, because it’s fun for me. Today is one of those days I’m living vicariously through all of you instead.

Today sucked. I was going to try and write something cute and catchy about the pitfalls of dating emotionally and physically unavailable men when I just realized: nothing about me today is cute and catchy. Okay, yes, I'm always cute but catchy today, I am not. A good mood I am not either. It’s been a long time since I wrote about the guys in my life, and as you would expect, there is a calculated reason for it. I've been happy, I've been really happy…up until today. To revisit my original thought; today sucked.

When a guy exits my life I often have a post to his rise or demise and I get the moral of the story across in a bitchy manner. More often than not, those guys read my writing…some of the most honest conversations I've had are right after they've read about themselves. Sometimes I feel bad or even remorseful but other times I feel liberated like "HEY ASSHOLE THIS IS WHAT YOU DID WRONG!" And then I sit and watch my page views climb and I laugh into my vodka, Chelsea Handler style.

Anyhow...Today a guy walked out of my life, threw his hands up and said he was done, I don’t blame him. He doesn't get a funny story or a slander, he doesn't get demonically hurt. This guy is special, so he gets his privacy. He doesn't even read my writing, but he knows it exists. He’s a Yankees fan who hates Dave Matthews Band, dogs and chocolate… it was never going to work. However, he thought great things about me...so I wish it would have worked out, that would've been fantastic. So anyhow, today sucked.

Now? Back to being happy. It’s better than continuing to let today suck.

oh and if you don't get the title of the post... you need to listen to more country music.

Ain't nobody got time for that

2013-03-19T17:14:00.002-04:00

Okay so I've got some bitching to do... get some popcorn and a whiskey... it's the not-so-perfect pAsh.

and...here...we...go...

WHY ON EARTH DO YOU TAKE OFF YOUR WEDDING RING AT A BAR AND BUY A WOMAN DRINKS, ASK TO TAKE HER OUT AND THEN TWO DAYS LATER TELL HER YOU ARE MARRIED AND WANT TO KNOW IF SHE STILL WANTS TO HANG OUT?!
::insert all my favorite curse words::

Phew...breathe Ashley, breathe. Thank goodness for the following things:

A) he wasn't that cute and his job was lame
B) he only got a card with an e-mail, no numbers exchanged
C) the person he hit on has morals
D) I've got something to write about now :)

Men, get yourselves in check! This isn't 1960 and you are not a suave Don Draper...your swag isn't that great and your marriage is sacred. Stop the act and start acting right. I'm absolutely sick of it and I'm sure all the other single women out there are as well. We don't want to be your one woman pity party, we don't want to partake in your self deprecating life style and we sure as hell don't want to go snatching up another woman's man. If this was the first time I've come across this I'd shrug it off as a dude with issues, yet it's not. The amount of guys I know who have done this is just sickening. Absolutely disgusting. I'm 28 and single and I swear I'm going to stay this way because T-R-U-S-T seems to be the most undervalued word in the English language.

I'm obviously not married but let me give you some basic life advice...if your marriage is that bad. Get the hell out. Don't use the time old excuse of sticking around for the kids, that's bullshit. I thank God everyday my parents got divorced when they did. Also, get the hell out because the person who is still wearing their ring deserves better. Furthermore, the women and or men (women cheat too) who you are shamelessly trying to flirt with, we don't need your issues. Ain't nobody got time for that!

I'm not saying it wasn't me and I'm not saying it was...I'm saying this:
Hell yes, married men have flirted with me shamelessly. Of course, they have also flirted with my friends. Most importantly, my friends have been the wives at home while the husband slips the ring into his pocket and tries to slip into something more loose.

Get your shit together people...and if you can't...don't drag others into it.

Hanging in to just hang on

2013-02-24T20:28:00.000-05:00

Last night I was having one of those nights. You know, the kind that you are just...not yourself. I was unbalanced, unsure and most importantly; I felt extremely unloved. I unloaded my thoughts on to someone that didn't deserve to be burdened by them, as much as I share in my writing there is much more I prefer to keep private. After reading a torturously long text explaining my horrid mood, he said one thing, "Hang in there." That is a typical male response and one I've heard plenty of times before, but this time it struck me. It struck me so hard that I repeated it to myself over and over again, "Hang in there" and I realized, that's what I was sick of doing. I'm sick of hanging in there.

I'm always hanging in there, just hanging by a thread after everyone else has shoved me far down the rope to leave me hanging at the end by myself. I've taken a lot of emotional abuse from a handful of people over the years, people that should be standing beside me holding me up, not pushing to get ahead of me and shoving me down. I've said it once before in my writing and I'll say it again; to know that the people in the world who are supposed to love you the most, openly admit they don't like you... is heartbreaking. I've learned to deal with it and I've learned to hang in there. As a child I was told, don't let it get to you, keep on being strong, so many other people love you... but what is it all worth when the love isn't from those you desire and deserve?

I said in my last blog "do not mistake my candidness for foolishness, regard it as a precursor to my loyalty." That my dears, is the absolute truth. I am the most loyal person you will ever meet. Once you gain my loyalty you have me in your reign. Today, I spent most of my day in bed with a good friend watching sports, discussing life and avoiding a hangover. This friend gets me, he loves me and I will keep him forever as a best friend because our loyalty to each other is unwaivering. He even said to me today, "You're too loyal, some people don't deserve that from you." He was right. When I prove my loyalties and they are disregarded by those closest to me, I realize it's time to reassess those relationships. I must stop "hanging in there" in regards to the relationships that are getting me no where.

I don't need to hang on to relationships that only benefit one person, and always leave me scrambling to find my way back into the fold. I don't want to hang in there anymore, I want to be comfortably stable in the midst of good friends, a loyal family and healthy relationships. I know it's not too much to ask, infact I shouldn't have to ask it at all. It's what I deserve.

Big words. Small meanings.

2013-02-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm quick and I'm anything but quiet. I have a great love for the human race and a great hatred for the human way. If there is anything for one to learn about my character it's that I'm never to be taken too seriously but always taken in fully.

I've been hurt by those closest to me and abandoned by those who have once saved me. To love me is to hate me and to admire me is to abhor my very being. I take my role in life very seriously and I rarely take my self as a serious being. I have a playful demeanor and a demeaning behavior.

To loathe me is to mean you have scratched the surface of my soul; whereas to love me is to mean you have barely scratched the surface of my being. I am a caring soul, one with intense passion and shallow regard for the idleness of others; I'd much rather love the soul of another than regard my own existence with care. I will push you to feel the resistance and I will pull you to feel the closeness.

Do not mistake my candidness for foolishness, regard it as a precursor to my loyalty.

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

2013-02-12T12:04:00.001-05:00

Okay, it's that time of year again, bust out my plaid skirt and polo tee, I'm back to being a Catholic and ready for my Lenten sacrifice. Last year I tried to give up ______ and I made it a whopping 3 days. I'll let you all imagine what that was but let's just say a man talked me into going back on that promise. I also tried to give up cursing but really....if you know me you know that was unsuccessful as hell.

So this year I'm taking a different approach, why not give up something I can immediately see the benefits of and correlate that time I gain into something more productive?

I'm giving up my personal twitter. Say hasta la vista baby... I'm done for 40 days and 40 nights. I will however continue to blog and tweet for my work, so if you really want to know what I am up to... check back here periodically. I want to spend that time focusing on a better me and alternating my waste of social media space into more worship time. I've realized my relationship with God has become strained and stretched and I need to work on that first and foremost. I've been coming up with this plan for about a week now and I have to admit, it scares the shit out of me. So to make sure I don't cheat and I will be held accountable, I'm telling everyone... I give up twitter. My password will be changed tomorrow morning by a friend, sealed in an envelope and placed on my desk where I will stare at it every day and remind myself, "God is bigger than social media."

Secondary thought, I'm giving up booze as well. Straight up. I'm done. No wine, no beer, no vodka, no old fashions... I'm crying just thinking of this. No not really, but what could it hurt? A buddy of mine is doing the same and his point is save some money, shed some lbs, be a better person. I couldn't agree more.

My aunt brought up a few years ago, why not add something to your life during Lent instead of just giving something up. So here is where I will add in my time with God. The parish in my neighborhood is small and struggling, why not give them my support and become a regular attendee. Hell, I can even walk, it's approximately 10 houses away.

So there it is ladies and gents:

No Twitter

No Booze

More God

I can do it.

Valentine's Help For The Fellas

2013-02-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

With Valentines Day coming up I have been asked by a reader and fellow blogger to put together a Do and Don't list for the fellas. Remember, if you take my advice, every woman is different, you know your woman the best...but really I'm an expert on everything so just go with what I say.

- Make her feel special!

- Get her a card, make sure to actually read the card and choose one that fits your relationship. *Bonus points: get a beautiful blank card and write a real, sincere message on the inside.

- Flowers aren't necessary, she may think big bouquets are atrocious. But my rule is always: a single rose is never too much but no flower at all is never enough.

- Make plans! (Give her a heads up so she knows something is happening and she doesn't stab a voodoo doll with your name on it during the day) *Bonus points: texts throughout the day telling her how excited/in love/whatever you are.

Plans:

This may be going out to dinner. If so, a hip restaurant with a cozy feel is always a winner...as long as they have good food. Read reviews first! Know if they take reservations, know their specialties, get a sense for the place.

If you'd rather, cooking for her is always appreciated. Not always enjoyed, but always appreciated. Make sure to choose something right for you and your lady. Don't cook the vegan a steak and stay away from gaseous foods if you plan on some late night activity.

One of my favorite dinner ideas is ordering in or picking it up...with a twist. This involves really knowing your lady, but its well worth it. Get appetizer, main course and dessert from her favorite restaurants. Does she love the shrimp cocktail at St. Elmo's but the Chicken Parm at Iarias and the Creme Brûlée at Ruth's? GO GET ALL 3! Show up at home with a bottle of wine, her favorite movie and you're GOLDEN.

- If gift giving is in your nature, jewelry is always smiled upon. However what about tickets to the symphony, a show, a event she would like...anything that would mean another romantic date with you!

- Do put thought into whatever you do. This doesn't have to be a Hallmark holiday but it should be memorable.

Don't

- Don't blow this off, it means something to her. That's what this is about.

- Don't forget. We all know what February 14 is.

- Don't ever, ever, ever pick a fight on valentines day. You know when you are picking one. Don't fucking do it. (Yes, this happened to me.)

- Don't do the loving stuff just once a year. She puts up with you, your friends, your video games and your sports addictions year round. She deserves to be adorned year round as well.

Definitely don't make light of this holiday. She doesn't. Even if she pretends she doesn't care...she does. This is about a mutual love so share in the fun together.

Just Say No

2013-01-28T10:10:00.000-05:00

Just say no. Crack kills. Pills punish.

However you want to say it, drugs are bad.

Now before you start calling me a hypocrite, I'll be the first one to say, my life motto "If it grows in the ground, it's okay to get down." (Thank you "Knocked-Up" for that) You know me, you know my stance, I don't hide it. However, consuming lab made substances to alter your state of mind and become numb to life on a daily basis makes me sad for you. The abuse of narcotics is a growing trend in our society and I've seen it first hand. I've lost friends who stole my prescriptions, I saw them digging through my purse and I pretended to ignore it.

Pain killers? They kill pain. Physically. Not emotionally. Stop confusing the two. I've watched someone lose control of their life and it's not worth it.

Everyone wants to have a bit of fun, everyone wants to enjoy their life to the fullest but just remember, there's a fine line between having fun and having a problem.

Don't cross it.

Don't faux with me

2013-01-23T20:59:00.002-05:00

I'm a guys girl, always have been. I spent my youth going to football, basketball and track practices with my dad. I spend time at demolition derbies and can change a radiator in a 79 Lincoln. I can shovel manure and I'm not afraid to bait a hook. I've always felt more comfortable around a group of guys than I have females, and quite frankly I find most women annoying. This isn't to say that I don't enjoy being a chick. I love to wear dresses and heels, I relish in having my hair and nails done, I can't pick up a dead mouse in my house without losing my mind; in all of these aspects, I am your typical female. But here's the deal...women who pretend to be like the type of woman I truly am drive me absolutely nuts.

I cannot stand women who think that they need to brag on facebook/twitter/bathroom walls/whatever about their manly activities. Social media proclamations like "Watching football, drinking beer and hanging with guys, while girls are out getting their nails done means I'm awesome" are fucking bullshit. The way you portray yourself is just pathetic, please stop with this vile, false, self promotion. Puh-lease. It's sad. It really is. Stop trying to make people *guys* think "Oh my God, she's one in a million, I better wifey that dudes' girl up!" Because that's not what they think. To be honest, it's just pitiful, you're trying way too hard and it shows. Now I'm one for shameless self promotion, but it's humorous in nature. I don't fish for compliments and I will never say something just to elicit a compliment which you actually rarely receive. If you have to tell guys how great you are, are you really that great?

Now don't get it twisted, I'm not saying I'm great; I'm saying I'm real. I don't need to boast on facebook every week about my fantasy score and my super funny team name and blah, blah, blah. That means it's not really who you are, it's who you are wanting everyone to see. I'm not trying to hack on these faux sports chicks solely... you ladies out there who only have these really "deep" messages while quoting 100 year old books and poets... let me clue you in on something. I can google that shit too. I know you, I know you aren't that deep in real life and I know that you're just trying to impress someone out there. If I can see it, so can others.

So here's my elongated thesis shortened: Quit actin' a fool and stop breakin' your arm to pat yourself on the back for something that doesn't represent who you truly are. I feel sad for you, but really I'm pissed because, you're giving legitimately intelligent chicks a bad name. Go faux yourself.

Catfishing, Hoarding and Cruel Intentions: Modern Relationships

2013-01-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

I wrote this yesterday and switched to writing the previous post which was a bit more angst based. Here are my original thoughts about relationships after hearing of the Te'o scandal...

Couple things you should know about me:

1. I am a man hoarder. I hoard relationships with men. Nope, I don't have guys locked in my basement. No, I am not dating ANY of them, but I do have an on-going non-relationship saga with more men than I have fingers on the home keys. And I love it. I never have to go far to get a guys opinion, company for a drink, a date for a wedding and most of them know me well enough to be blunt and honest.

2. I have been "catfished" or as I now like to call it, "Te'o-ed". I developed an interesting situation with a man and he hid a secret from me. I found out about and and I remained his friend. I didn't date him, I don't consider it a relationship, I would never claim it to be...and that is all you need to know. I now however have someone (my own private investigator if you will) run a background check on almost every man I meet...doesn't matter how I meet them, if they are a friend of a friend, a guy at a bar or blind date...background check.

3. Relationships: Sometimes they're just emotional. Sometimes they're just passionate. And in that once in a blue moon chance, sometimes they're both. You don't always need both to make it successful.

4. I will find a flaw in you. I will hold on to that flaw like it's the last life preserver on the Titanic. I will cling to that flaw, I will make it your defining trait, I will never tell you, it will end whatever we had going unless you change it of your own free will.

5. I don't trust well, I don't trust often, and I definitely don't trust your intentions. However, trust that I will keep you at bay with witty banter and an ass of an attitude. I'm fluent in 3 languages, English, Sarcasm and Profanity (stolen from twitter) and all 3 I use to my advantage.

6. I'm primarily a good person and if you're not good people, I know it from the start.

Don't be fooled by shiny things my darlings, usually all they do is show a reflection of you... You never actually see who is behind the pretty piece.

Life is a bowl of shit.

2013-01-16T22:15:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged in over two months...I'm in a "mood" so this is what you get...

Couple things on my mind tonight:

If you tell me "don't write about me in your blog." I'm going to do so. That means you are about to do something really shitty. To the person that said this. You did something shitty. I don't care anymore but that just pisses me off you knew what you were going to do.

I almost got beat up on New Years Eve because someones HUSBAND wouldn't leave me alone. Listen lady, I didn't ask him to come be creepy magee by my side, and hit on me like it was his job...he did that on his own. Please take him back to your van down by the river.

If you lie about things, you are a piece of shit. Get your act together.

I can't stand a handful of people that I used to care about. They are all different and I realize they are all horrible people, I don't want them as my friends anymore so... they're not. They're actually all pretty shitty human beings.

Get over your petty fears people. I fear ladders. Nope, not heights. Ladders. I fear shitty pieces of wood that could force me to my death. I'm working on this fear, you should work on yours too.

My sisters are my best friends. We share secrets, clothing, food, toothbrushes, inside jokes and so much more. We do not share men. Don't try. That's weird.

I'm about to make a huge mistake in my life. I'm doing it willingly because it's what's best for me financially. Not emotionally. Not physically. Not mentally. I'm willingly making a horrible decision.

Failure is understandable. Not getting your ass back up and trying again is unacceptable. I'm DISGUSTED with someone in my life for this reason.

I can't judge a single person. I have my own faults and nothing I have said tonight even compares to my own issues.

I wasn't going to write any of this when I started writing two hours ago. I have another blog in my drafts that's full of love, relationships, disappointment and a new romance... but I'm not going to do that. I don't want anyone to know the good that's going on in my life right now. So the above comments are sporadic thoughts that have been creeping in my mind for some time now regarding the shit show known as my life. Enjoy them. I don't feel like giving anymore of my good self to anyone. The few I have recently have really abused that privilege.

She's my sister

2012-11-12T10:58:00.000-05:00

Nov 12

I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, wholly exhausted. I spent the weekend on a trip with my family that wrecked me emotionally. So here I sit above the clouds flying to Orlando and replaying the awesomeness of my weekend. I'm going to leave out the drunk parts, the part where we got called twins and I'll only touch briefly on the best football game I've ever seen (Johnny M.F. Football rolled right over the Crimson Tide! Gig'em!)

Visiting my sister is always enjoyable, that first moment we see each other we start out with insults and being asses. No one gets this, it's just our thing. This trip started out the same, she was an ass the second she appeared in the hotel doorway and by the time the two of us were alone in the car we were holding hands. Once we got to lunch tears began to flow at the first mention of our nephew, a precious little man she has only seen a handful of times. I cannot imagine how hard it is on her to be so far away from everyone in our family. As a unit our family is strong, loving, close and reliable. As a pair, my sister and I can take on the world or a bar...same thing.

To explain our relationship as simply as possible, when you grow up in a divorced home with a parent who is not 100% checked in, you learn to cope and manage. Especially so if you are a child with a younger sibling to protect. We have always been each other's support system. Even as children when we yelled, punched, tattled and ripped heads off barbies, we always had each other. Up until I moved out at 17, I would wake up many mornings with my sister in my bed or asleep on the floor next to me. So this weekend when she said "I just want to nap with you" I knew this visit was more than just a weekend of fun, she needed me. And to be honest, I think I needed her more. To simply take a nap with my sister, let her straighten my hair, share a meal and even do a victory chest bump (WHOOP! Aggies!) meant more to me than many can comprehend.

I want her to be happy. I want her to be successful. I want her to live where she wishes and plant her roots wherever she calls home. She asks me often if I would ever move to Texas to be with her and I always say no quickly, but truth be told, I'd move to hell just to hug her. I feel this way about both of my sisters, we have a bond that can't be shook. No matter how big of assholes we are to each other, we are sisters.

Friday, I met Sarah's roommate and what she said struck me so deep in my heart. As I walked in the room she exclaimed "Oh my gosh, you're Sarah's sister! She talks about you all the time, she really really loves you a lot. It's sweet." At that moment I got something in my eye causing me to instantly tear up, but my sister's voice boomed from the other room "No I don't. Don't tell her that shit." Thank goodness I laughed and forgot about whatever was in my eye, entirely. Asshat.

Yesterday while resting and trolling Facebook, I read a post from a family friend quoting his young daughter, "No, she's not my best friend, she's better than that, she's my sister." That ladies and gents sums up my life. She's not my best friend, she's better than that, she's my sister. She's emotionally exhausting, loud, slightly insane, gorgeous, fun, intelligent... What else could you expect? She's my sister.

I know I write about her often, but I write about what I love, what makes me tick and what is on my mind. She's my sister. She's all of the above.

He thinks I'm pretty, I think I'm not.

2012-11-07T10:47:00.001-05:00

*Preface*

I write for many reasons, one is because I can't afford a therapist. Another is I'm pretty damn good at it. The most important reason for me however is because I have been through some shit in my life and I know if I have, someone else has too. I share my life experiences not because I'm proud of them or think I'm super cool, but because maybe I can help someone. That's all I ever want to do.

I have struggled my entire life with having low self esteem and playing the part of the ugly duckling. Only when I believe in myself do I feel like a swan.

I have had issues with my weight my entire life, I was made fun of growing up for being the fat girl and that hurt. I was even removed from an elementary school for being constantly made fun of. In high school I suffered from bulemia and anorexia and was absolutely tiny, I was the same height I am now and 75lbs lighter. I still remember exact compliments I received that I cherished like, "Wow, I love that I can see your bones" or "You really are pretty when you lose weight" ...And my favorite, "Wow, Walden you finally look like a girl." Thank goodness I had a few good friends that saw me for me, forced me to eat and ultimately face reality. 6 months of being in a size 6 was long enough. Also being 5'10 and a 32A was just ridiculous looking!

The hardest part for me to wrap my head around was that the one person I wanted to consider me beautiful never did. I wasn't allowed to get my belly button pierced because my mother didn't want to be embarassed by me. I'll never forget her bringing it up at a dinner with friends that she was baiting me into losing weight with getting it pierced. "Once you become skinny, I'll consider it." I have struggled for as long as I can remember with having low self esteem, and getting backhanded compliments hurt more than they could ever help.

I tried to not let comments affect my personality and my self image but they did and finally one day, I just stopped hearing them because I couldn't anymore. I blocked it out. On my 23rd birthday my mom asked me why I couldn't be as pretty and skinny as my sister. What a stab to the heart! To hear that hurt more than words can describe. Two days later, I got my 3rd tattoo, a large orchid on my shoulder. An orchid is the flower of beauty; it is exotic, rare and hard to manage. Too little love or too much and it will die. I am an orchid.

Recently I went out with a guy I'm seeing and my best guy friend, M. When we were alone I confessed to M that everytime my guy told me I was beautiful it made me cringe and hurt inside because it felt like he was lying. M looked at me so hurt and sincere and said "You ARE beautiful, you don't know it and I don't tell you enough, but you are." For the first time in 8 years, M called me beautiful and I felt it was true. I don't lie to myself, I know I am not skinny. Fuck, I'm not even in shape like I was a year ago, but that's on me. I manage who I am and no one else can influence that anymore. I'm thick, I've got some rockin boobs and I kinda like it. According to these guys, I am beautiful. I'll say it again, I am beautiful and I know it now!

One of my childhood friends is currently struggling with her appearance and feels ugly compared to her sisters. To you my friend: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE WHOMEVER YOU WANT TO BE! Do not be miserable, find your inner strength, find what keeps you ticking and wind that clock up! It's your time to be who you want to be, come over to the swan side! It's great over here and you'll fit right in.

The Reason I Vote

2012-11-05T16:18:00.001-05:00

Four years ago I sat around my first place with 3 of my closest friends, Risa, Brad and Amelia. We had beer, each other and Anderson Cooper. It was election night and we were ready to see how we affected the world. We had hoped for change and when the announcement came through that the next President of the United States of America would be Barack Obama, we rejoiced. We jumped up and down, we high fived, we clapped, we cried, we made a difference. This is what we as the youth of America, the Rolling Stone subscribers, the people in blue, the vast minorities and the dedicated Democrats had been waiting 8 years for. Not only were we getting our turn in the White House again, we were doing so with a man we could stand not just behind, but seemingly beside.

In the four years since that night I would like to give you a brief run-down of my life:

-I lost my job in the automotive/machining industry two weeks after election night due directly to the Detroit crisis. Upon my termination I was told "If this economy changes like it's supposed to [with Obama] you'll get a call from us. We'll want you back."

- February 2009 I got a new job in the legal field.

- May 2009 I was diagnosed with arthritis of the back, hands, ankles and knees. I have never cried so hard in my life. To know my family and my family history would explain why this was devastating news to me, as I had watched family members suffer for years. I started preventative medicine, chiropractic treatment and my daily pain subdued but never went away.

- September 2009 I bought my first home as a single, college educated and indebted woman. With this purchase, I earned my "Obama Credit." $7,200 on taxes and boy did I have dreams for that money. Pay off student loans, buy a new car, go on vacation...nope it went back into my house. The day I received my tax check, my basement flooded with 3 feet of raw sewage all $7,200 and $2,000 more went into repairing my home.

-October 2010 I lost my job (best thing that ever happened to me) and with the loss of the job went my shitty privatized health insurance I had.

- September 2011 I finally found my career and I'm not leaving anytime soon. However, I still remain without health insurance.

- September 2012 my old automotive/machining industry job called, they wanted me back. Seems like that Obama guy got things turned around for them. I politely declined, but that was the most amazing feeling in the world!

-November 6, 2012 I will vote once again.

Here is what I want you to take away from my boring timeline. I lost my job due to a Bush economic decision, while unemployed I utilized unemployment benefits, regained employment, bought into the American dream, lost my health insurance and survived to talk about it. Even when unemployed for 11 months, I made my house payment, I made my student loan payments, I paid my creditors. I was not going to lose all I had worked for just because I lost my job. I did what I could and I tried to rely as little on help from others as possible. At one point my mom told me to file for food stamps because she was so concerned for me and I refused. I knew I could make it work and I didn't need that extra boost from the government I could do this on my own. I appreciated knowing the program was there if I needed it, but I knew there were people out there that needed it more than me and who was I to take something I could manage to make on my own.

One thing I couldn't and still can't do on my own, get health insurance. I have pre-existing conditions that prevent me from finding affordable health care and if I could afford it, I would be paying over $400 a month for private insurance (not family, just me alone.) I can't afford that, so for the past 3 years I've gone without my pain medications, I've had my teeth cleaned once because my mother paid for it and the only time I've gone to a doctor's office was to have a tooth removed in an emergency situation. Planned Parenthood has allowed me to retain yearly check ups I can afford and without them, I wouldn't be able to take proper care of myself. Without them, I could have ended up another statistic, a single, pregnant, unemployed woman on government benefits, losing her home. I didn't end up that way, because I tried, I worked my ass off, I utilized the system to the best of my ability without abusing it. So thank you Planned Parenthood and President Obama for allowing me to help myself.

I now have a job, I have my home, I have my experience living in a horrible economy and soon if all goes as planned I will have universal healthcare and possibly be free of my pain, once again. Tomorrow I will vote for Obama because I need universal health care, I believe in helping out our American brothers and sisters in need, I hope for a progressive and environmentally conscious government and I stand behind a man that has done all he can to stand behind women like me.

Disagree with me? Cool. Show me at the polls. Go VOTE America! It's our freedom, our right and our obligation!

No Thrills, No Frills, November

2012-10-31T15:37:00.001-04:00

October is one of my favorite months; I decorate, I drink wine, I make chili, I dress up, I go to parties, I spend way too much money and I regret it through November. I decided this year, I'm trying something new, "No frills - no thrills- November!" Yes, that means what you think it does...for the entire month of November I'm going no thrills. I'm not going out, not over indulging in delish yummy treats, not breaking the bank...I'm getting back to me this month.

I am the batman!

I've turned down 2 opportunities to go on vacations and after I did that to both of them, I immediately regretted it. I am however going to Texas in a little over a week, and I'm sure I will experience some frills and thrills while having a girl weekend with my momma and sister. Oh and this weekend I'm taking that same momma to a Colt's game for her birthday...okay so maybe a few thrills then too. November hasn't even started and I'm already trying to sneak frills and thrills into my "No frills - No thrills - November" Shit...get your act together, Walden.

I'm going to complete this month however and come out better for it. I've set personal goals that have no right being shared so I'm keeping them private but I'm sure you all get the gist of what I'm trying to accomplish and how I'm going to go about doing it. All that being said, it's October 31 at 3:25 p.m. and that means I have roughly 8 hours left to drink, eat crap and spend money. Deuces. ::See previous October hot messes below::

It's just a state of mind

2012-10-23T21:40:00.002-04:00

I have a few thoughts on my mind tonight and I apologize in advance for how I am about to skip around from subject to subject. I'll attempt to make my thoughts coherent and logical by sticking to locations...but if you read this blog on the reg, you know I'm never 100% on my game.

Chicago:
I've got a guy up there. He's pretty great. He spoils me silly, tells me I'm beautiful, enjoys great music and has great taste in women. He sends me roses, brings me amazing wine and is adored by my entire posse. He has a great heart, a kind soul and a humor that lies just beneath the surface. I'm trying to figure this situation out but to be honest... I just don't know. Distances don't play out well in relationships and neither one of us are naive enough to forget this.

Arizona:
My lifelong friend came home from Tuscon this weekend. I forced myself to hold back tears when I saw her face. I hate this state. It took my partner in crime from me. I want her back. Go "f" yourself Tuscon.

Jasper:
I had a great weekend getting there and an even better time getting hammered while in the Germany of Indiana. "Usher" and I drove down this weekend in a bitchin convertible to see my freshman year roommate, Angela, marry the man of her dreams. To get there, we went down IN-45 with the top down, enjoying Peak Season, my mind and my body relaxed, tunes blasting, I had my person by my side and it was absolutely the most amazing drive I've ever been on. I turned to him at one point, smiling and what I said at that moment was the most true statement I could make... "All is right in the world right now." It was true. At that moment in time, all was right in my world. The wedding was gorgeous, the reception was a blast, the after party (specifically me) was a shit-show and the next morning was a headache. Loved seeing all my Magee people especially the most gorgeous bride ever.

Texas:
My sister is there. Someone just broke her heart. I need detailed information regarding the gun laws and manslaughter charges in the lonestar state, please. I need to inform myself and possibly preemptively hire an attorney for myself and my step-sister. Everything is bigger in Texas...including revenge.

Los Angeles:
I miss my soul mate. She's there. I'm here. I need her in my life more so than I can ever explain. Usher is my person. She is my soul mate. Without her I've just got my people, not my soul.

Colorado:
I can't even explain. It's just a state that contains something I want. I usually get what I want. This time, I know I won't.

Indiana:
Peak season. Basketball. My friends. My job. My dogs. My family. My reality. It's what breathes life into me...and it's the only place holding me back from all of my dreams. It's my home and right now there is not place I think I'd rather be.